#cancer vent

[fallingmaddlyinlove]

i really wish i could've dropped out this semester when i had the chance because my physical health/frequent pain med use is seriously affecting my grades and it's making me sad :(

being zonked the whole semester isn't doing me any good 😭

[angelshizuka]

Small nightmare Tilla analysis from someone with her own dead mother trauma (yay...) Just as I expected from the trailer, this scene came for me personally and I don't know wheter to hate or thank Brandon for it.

What personally got to me was how Blitz wasn't just hallucinating the things around him, but also how he preceived himself, aka as the age when his mother died.

I dunno about other people with dead parents/loved ones or if I just still haven't processed my grief properly yet, but I always mentally regress in age whenever I think about my mother. Maybe it's my brain trying to pretend she can't be gone if I'm still that age, I really don't know, grief is weird. I'm not entirely sure if that was the intention behind it, but seeing it visualized like that hit me.

But it's especially this part that had no right to go as hard as it did.

We still don't know all the details of what happened inside the tent, like if Blitz found her dead or had to witness her burning alive as he failed to save her (knowing this show's track record it's probably the later). I didn't lose my mother to fire, but the concept is still all too familiar to me. Seeing your mother, who's literally burning on the inside (tumors can go to the worst kind of hell) still force a smile through the pain and tears for the sake of her child as she's withering away... is the literal last memory I have of seeing her alive.

I mean, this scene is without a doubt written so well and I'm positive it still heavily affected even people without similiar grief/trauma, but for me who does have that... I think what scares me most about this scene is that I know I would see the exact same thing if I was under the same influence as Blitz is here.

Bonus points for having Blitz wear a piece of his mother's clothing, that's also something I do. Me and my mother had the same size, so her entire wardrobe went to me. It's comforting, like a piece of her never truly left and is always with me. I totally get why Blitz is so attached to it and I'm so happy he didn't lose it. It seems to be the only thing from his mother that survived the fire.

[exyrpf]

He's only been in remission for a fucking month but life decided it wasn't done being cruel to my little boy and threw bacterial meningitis at him.

I'll either be around not at all or using tumblr as a distraction but yeah. Life update. Send prayers and hug your loved ones extra tightly

[snnumntik]

anyone else really scared about the rush of media backlash against the public for supporting the United Healthcare CEO shooter (it's not Luigi Mangione until he's proven guilty) and what it could mean for the upcoming trump administration?

[polina-tvorozhok]

Thank you for everything @canyonkingdom , see you on the other side...

[leidensygdom]

So on top of my partner's father being in a battle with cancer (we'd be surprised if he lasted more than a month), we just got news that my partner's sister in law took her own life in Sunday.

So uh, things will continue to be really rough over here, I fear. I apologise if I may be a bit inactive or erratic

[biblicallycorrectangelvenom]

please I need to talk to you again please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please

[faunandfloraas]

i hope whatever weird thing thats wrong with me is resolved by the concert next month bc if its not im really not seeing how i'll be able to go

[strongintherealgay]

I'm gonna be so fucking real when I say that I'm tired of the narrative that many of the disabled community is pushing that most disabled people don't want to be cured and wouldn't choose to not be disabled if the opportunity arose. I have a chronic illness that is going to just get worse over the years and has made my recovery from a recent injury more complicated than it should be. I've had to pass on career opportunities because there is no possible way for me to take them up even with accommodations. I am unable to do physical activities that I have wanted to do my entire life because the risk of permanent injury for me is so high. Because it is genetic, I have seen how it manifests in old age via my paternal grandmother and I do not want that for myself. It is not ableist for me to not want this condition. It's me simply not wanting to be in pain, to be injured, and to be unable to do things I want to do.

I have been that person who tried so hard to not just want to be able-bodied, but fuck it I want to be able-bodied! I know it is still possible for many people to live a fulfilling life with my illness and disability, but I don't want to have to work harder for that life. If I was given the chance to live my life without pain and constant injury, I would. It will never happen because it is in my DNA, and I hate it.

And before anyone accuses me of internalized ableism, I am proud of how far I have come while having a lifelong disability. Despite the constant pain, I have survived horrible circumstances outside my disability that nobody should have to endure. The fact I have lived independently until my most recent injury has been impressive. It shouldn't be impressive, being that I'm 25, but it is. I'm proud of myself and every disabled person who has managed to live in an ableist society. Unfortunately, it isn't the ableism that makes me wish I wasn't disabled. It's my actual disability.

[fallingmaddlyinlove]

update: i called my medical team while in withdrawal

they were very nice. i couldn't tell if they got what i was trying to say exactly with struggling to wean off on my own, but they were understanding. i got low dose morphine for breakthrough pain/WD symptoms and fentanyl patches to help. i'm going to talk to them in more detail at my appointment on wednesday, but i'm glad i told them. i'm so glad i'm no longer suffering alone. i feel so relieved :,)

genuinely, i wouldn't have been able to talk about it if it weren't for how kind my team is. i cannot thank them enough for everything

i relapsed my morphine addiction over the summer and lied to everyone. i feel like shit

i don't know what else to really say. i've been trying to taper off on my own for around a month now, and it's just not possible. i've been violently ill on and off from trying. my grades are fucked now. this semester is fucked. it's hard when you're taking it just so you can function like a normal person. just to keep yourself from getting even sicker than you are. i've even tried to self-inject just to try to find what i originally needed. to not be in pain.

i'm going to be honest with my medical team when i see them this week. i'm just really scared.

i feel like i failed. i know that's not the case, but it really does feel like i betrayed everyone who trusted me.

damn.

[cobwebbz]

I love you so much buddy. May your dreams stay forever pleasant. Rest well Maximus.

I will never forget you.

[overwatch]

Speaking of religion! :)

Do NOT tell a person with cancer that 'God wouldn't give you more than you can handle'.

I shouldn't have to say this--even if this post is just a vent--but I've heard it at least 10 times from different people already.

[thedivinemechanism]

MUTUALS, give me the strength to make an appointment for cancer screening.

Seriously.

I'm scared((

[lastoneout]

I s2g these like...third party? clinics that doctors send you to for MRIs and x-rays and stuff like that are run by absolute clowns.

I get an order to go an ultrasound of a weird spot on my skin that's probably just torn soft tissue just to make sure nothing's going wrong and I call them and they schedule me for the 6th of June, but tell me that the order I got from the urgent care place needs to be from the clinic supervisor, not the NP who saw me, so I need to go get that fixed, and also to tell them that the NP isn't in their system so they need to fax them documents to update her info. Okay, I'm not an employee there so idk how that last bit is my problem, but whatever.

In between this call and me having time to go to the urgent care clinic I get a call telling me actually they don't have anyone who can do the ultrasound on the 6th so I need to come in on the 30th. Great, whatever. This has happened before, sometimes DAY OF with these types of places so while it's annoying, I'll live.

There's less time before my appointment now so same day I go down to the urgent care place and explain all that and the desk lady seems to have no clue what the hell I'm talking about and just gives me a copy of the order and says if the ultrasound place needs updated stuff they have to request it, which is the opposite of what I was told but whatever!

So I call the ultrasound place and explain and the guy is like "uh no you should be fine with the order" and then to be sure he checks the info and is like "oh this doctor's info is out of date" and then he has me stay on the line and give him the urgent care clinic's phone number and address and again! I am not an employee there!! Why is this my job!! But whatever, he says I'm good, so I'm good.

Today, the 29th, I get another call from the ultrasound place informing me that actually, they don't even perform this procedure in Tucson AT ALL and if I want to get it done I either have to GO TO PHOENIX or get my order sent to a different clinic that does these. I do not understand why this information was not given to me immediately the first time I called, and now I have to go down to the urgent care clinic AGAIN and beg them to update the order, and idk if they'll even be able to do that bcs this is an urgent care clinic not my PCP, but whatever guess I get to go beg! And continue to worry about the soft-tissue tear bcs it isn't going away on it's own and idk if there's something legit wrong with me or not.

I fucking HATE these little third party clinics so much they are always canceling the day before or telling me actually I need to go to another location bcs they can't do it at this one or claiming they called me to tell me the date got moved when I didn't get a phone call AT ALL. Why are they so poorly managed. Why does no one know who works at what location or what location does what procedure. Y'all are doing serious diagnostic tests to confirm if people have like cancer or some shit, I've had procedures done at them twice to make sure I don't have cancer, but they still play SO fast and loose with people's time and yank us around.

I genuinely miss the days when they would just send you to the hospital to have this stuff done, they aren't great but at least when they say they can do something they can actually do it. Jesus christ. I'm so tired.

[casimircrane]

my mother was diagnosed with intermediate melanoma. shes okay right now, but she had to postpone a necessary surgery to see if the cancer spread to her lymphnodes until next month, because of health insurance. we cant pay $7,000 twice, so we have to wait until january to see if my mother's cancer has spread.

deny, defend, depose.

[kuunibal]

I WISH I COULD KILL YOU. I WISH I COULD LEAVE YOU. I WISH I COULD CARVE YOU OUT OF MY LIFE THE WAY ONE TAKES A SCAPEL TO A TUMOR. BUT THE DAMAGE HAS SPREAD TOO FAR AND EVERY CELL IN MY BODY IS ALREADY CANCEROUS WITH YOU. ATTEMPTING TO REMOVE YOU FROM MY LIFE, MY BELOVED PARASITE, WOULD ONLY RENDER ME A BLOODY, MANGLED MESS. AN EMPTY WRECK. DEAD. I CARE TOO MUCH TO LEAVE DESPITE IT KILLING ME. IT KILLS ME TO KEEP YOU, AND IT WOULD KILL ME TO BE RID OF YOU, SO WHAT'S THE POINT IN TRYING TO FIX SOMETHING TERMINAL?

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU. AND I HATE YOU. BUT I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU MORE THAN I HATE YOU AND HATE MYSELF MORE FOR LOVING AND HATING YOU TO BEGIN WITH.