#i wish i could talk to you
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please I need to talk to you again please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please
#i miss you#dad#rip dad#i wish i could talk to you#iwishicouldcallyou#cancer#you deserved better#iwishiwasabetterdaughter#youreinabetterplace#september19th2024#11:01pm#iwanttodrinksofuckingbad#girl blogger#bpd mood#bpd problems#bpd splitting#bpd stuff#bpd#actually bpd#bpd feels#bpd safe#bpd thoughts#bpd vent#girlcore#this is a girlblog#girl interupted syndrome#this is what makes us girls#tw depressing thoughts#depressing shit#borderline pd
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The sky is a dusty blue and the air smells of smoke. My head hurts? I long to take a walk <3
#the trees are changing color!!! and the moon is so big and beautiful#I wish I could talk to people#i wish i could talk to you
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WE'RE JUST TWO LOST SOULS SWIMMING IN A FISH BOWL, YEAR AFTER YEAR
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It’s strange, how I often think I over-share, that I’m far too much of an open book, that I have no real private problems or thoughts. But then I find myself lying here in a warm bath — as I do every morning when I’m here — thinking about all the things I wish I could talk to someone about. The things that I’m ashamed of, or that I cannot find a string of linguistically sensible sounds to express in a way that do them justice, or that I simply do not want to share. Perhaps it is precisely because I am normally so open, that it feels foreign to *want* to keep something to myself.
Yet despite this desire for walls around my thoughts and feelings (my innermost mechanisms, as you would put it), I crave the intimacy of human connection. The kind that comes only from sharing the rawest of emotions, the most sensitive of thoughts. It’s a terrifying prospect, no? To be known so utterly well by someone that they understand you better than you understand yourself, for they have all the knowledge about your past and present and thoughts and feelings that you do, with the added bonus of a third party perspective. To be known in a manner which you never dreamed would be possible. To be known in a such a way that you do not need to ever be alone again, for no matter where they are, you know they would listen and understand— or even if they do not understand, they would not judge you.
I lie here, and I wonder. Imagine someone knowing I wished people would offer hugs more often because I think that although I’d decline most of the time, I would accept every now and then, and accepting is easier for me than to ask for one myself. Imagine someone knowing the details of what I went through the weeks surrounding my surgery, the feelings I’ve been having about those memories and the fear of what’s to come. Imagine someone knowing the cues I give off that indicate whether or not I’m mentally present at any given time (sometimes it’s so subtle I don’t even know if I’m there or not until later). Imagine someone knowing where each and every scar I have came from. Imagine someone knowing the full story of what happened with my parents growing up, the home dynamic I lived with, all the things they did and said to me, the complex way I’ve been irreversibly traumatized by them yet still love them so deeply I call them nearly every day. Imagine someone knowing how difficult moving out was for me, despite externally having behaved as though I had everything together. Imagine someone knowing the ugly and terrifying way I fall apart sometimes, how gravity wins and I find myself shaking on the floor, crying and whispering things to myself and begging the world for a way out. Imagine someone knowing about that horrible horrible horrible thing I did as a very young child that I know was simply a case of a kid not knowing any better but which haunts me regardless. Imagine someone knowing the story of how I got addicted to cutting and various other forms of self injury, and the events involving it that I sometimes remember, like getting hit by a truck.
Imagine someone knowing you so well that you could call them any time, whether it’s because you need help or because you don’t want to be alone or because you just miss them, and you know they’ll pick up if they can and that you will know them just as well as they know you.
Sounds like a pipe dream to me. Every time I get remotely close to someone I end up being too much. They get to know too many details about me and then they leave because I am not loveable. Not in my entirety. Even while trying so hard to be a better person over the years. I’m just, me.
#i miss you#i wish i could talk to you#but you answer me maybe once a week#i think you realized that you don’t really want to know me#you don’t really enjoy my company#you don’t really find me funny or nice or any of the things you said#you don’t miss me#you’ve made that abundantly clear#i just want to be known#but every time i open up i get reminded that i am not someone who should be known#i’m so tired#i thought maybe you were someone i could maybe let in over time#maybe after a year or two i’d really trust you#but i was wrong i was wrong#i’m sorry i was wrong#i misunderstood when you said you wanted me to let you in#i misunderstood when you promised not to disappear or drift away#i should have asked for clarification before you left#but it’s okay it’s okay#i’ll stop letting you in#i’ll just be another one of your friends
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It is the saddest thing to me that my parents will only see and entertain the version of me that I've outgrown and not the complex everchanging individual that I am now.
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#i feel like tge fact im apprehensive about posting this is kinda proving my point#the way everyone talks about both weight gain and weight loss is just horrendous#like idek if i could fit all i wanna say in here especially while im at work but#i so badly wish people could be normal about weight gain and talking about it#its like if youre not in some constant state of wanting to lose weight people want to kill you#god forbid you want to put on weight to feel more comfortable in your body outside of muscles and a butt#fatphobia is a given thats a whole other few paragraphs#im grateful i have mutuals and friends who are normal but ill have or hear these convos and go#ok i feel sick. why do i feel this way why do you feel that way.#anyways i think fatphobia is one of the worst things to ever happen
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your memes SUCK.
your music SUCKS.
your big dark doll eyes SUCK.
:'(
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i can never catch a break
these days i don’t even know who to talk to
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As much as I love angst I think it would be funny if he just didnt give af
#Hazel you cant just ask people if they have a dead mom#fairly oddparents#fop a new wish#fop#fairly oddparents a new wish#headcanon#fop hazel#hazel wells#fop dev#dev dimmadome#I think he has mildly positive associations with it tbh#He asked where babies came from and his dad actually took him aside and explained how he was super special and important#and better than everyone else because he was a clone and talked him through the whole cloning process very excitedly#(Dev did not understand a word of it but it was probably the most positive interaction he'd ever had with his dad)#later Dev came back and asked where normal kids come from and he got uncomfy and made an Au-Pair explain#other than that Dev has basically no thoughts on being a clone its just a fact to him.#Actually thinking about it now that could be a really dark explanation for why his real name is Development#I mean you dont just get cloning right on the first try#and nobody wants to name and get attached something that might just fall over dead any minute#HAHA anway angst over teehee :3#fop nature au#<-for organization since this HC applies to it too
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this was fun
#you shit talked me under the table talking rings and talking cradles I wish I could unrecall how we almost had it all dancing phantoms on t#e terrace are they second hand embarrassed that I can’t get out of bed cause something counterfeit’s dead#mlb#miraculous fanart#miraculous lb#miraculous ladybug#miraculoustalesofladybugandcatnoir#adrien agreste#gabriel agreste#emilie agreste#I wanna tag this shitposting but I guess it’s not LMAO#feeling weird abt this 🤨#I’ve never done like a series of images so tummies thought it would be funny to explore the agrestes w/ this#always thought of Emilie as a musical gal idk
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I'm sorry about everything, genuinely. I understand what you mean, I still refuse to delete a lot of the stuff I kept for you, I actually just reread ready player one because i got to hear your thoughts again in the margins but I know that's kinda dumb.
#personal#if it means anything im sorry that i lied to you bevause i wanted you to move on because i know im kinda a lost cause#i should not be even posting this but i still think about you constantly#i wish i could talk to you#i wish i was better so i could make things better accross the board genuinely#sorry for making your thing about me i guess
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#i wish we could talk#i wish i could talk to you#but i wont#i will not be a burden#i will not be a problem#dont worry#ive made my decision#i wish you the best#i miss you#i will miss you#maybe this is cruel#but it is for the best#i do not belong#and i am not needed
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Homer!Odysseus and Epic!Odysseus would try to kill each other if they ever met
#Homer!Odysseus: you sacrificed your men to save yourself? Detestable coward! How I wish I was never born if it would ensure you had not the#Epic!Odysseus: you’d understand if you *loved your wife.* But I guess a guy who stayed with Circe for a year wouldn’t know that!#H!Odysseus: do not speak of things you know nothing about! I long for my return to sweet Penelope but I have a duty to my men#E!Odysseus: A YEAR. A WHOLE YEAR. I WOULD KILL ANYTHING AND ANYONE TO GET A HOME A YEAR FASTER#H!Odysseus: that was clear when you served Scylla six men like they were cattle!#E!Odysseus: it was them or me! And don’t keep talking about my friends like you did any better. you’ll go home alone too#H!Odysseus: they doomed themselves when they ate Hyperion’s golden cattle. I am not responsible for their suffering. But you could have ens#H!Odysseus: Now Eurylochus’s body lies at the bottom of the sea where there can be no burial and no honour#E!Odysseus: AND I’LL GO HOME TO MY WIFE. MY BEAUTIFUL PERFECT LOVELY LOYAL WIFE WHO’S BEEN WAITING FOR ME FOR TWENTY YEARS.#E!Odysseus: and when I go home and she asks if I came back as fast as I could I’ll be able to answer honestly#H!Odysseus: WE HAD BEEN THROUGH MANY TRIALS. THE MEN NEEDED TO REST#E!Odysseus: FOR A YEAR???? DID THEY NEED TO REST FOR A YEAR??? AND DID THEY NEED THAT REST RIGHT AFTER A MONTH’S LONG REST WITH AEOLUS??? S#H!Odysseus: IF YOU WISHED FOR ITHACA SO DESPERATELY WHY DIDN’T YOU OBEY PALLAS ATHENA AND KILL THE CYCLOPS#E!Odysseus: *drawing sword* I WAS HAVING A ROUGH DAY#Epic the musical#Epic odysseus#The odyssey#odysseus#Homer#Greek mythology#Jorge rivera-herrans#nuclear war speaks
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Star Wars was and has always been meant to be hopepunk and good vs evil at its base, not grimdark and 'morally grey' and 'subversive', and this is a hill i will die on
#star wars#pro jedi#because the jedi are the ideal#they are the ones that we are meant to look at and want to emulate#not realistic i know but there are individuals that do live up to that#the idea of leaving the world a little better#doing the best you can with what you've been presented with#that's what its all about#fighting for those that can't#(its so sikhi coded of them and what i wish i could be)#my star wars meta#i love! the jedi order!#i love! the rebel alliance!#i love! the resistance!#personal#series talk: star wars#series talk
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how do transmascs not want to kill themselves all the time honestly
#i experience transphobia and hardship in my daily life#and then i go home and go on my computer and learn that i dont experience any of that actually#im just pretending. and i shouldnt talk about it because im just a fake trans#who wishes his experiences could even measure up to a crumb of what real trans people (women) have to go through#ok cool.#testosterone is a controlled substance did you know that. my state is actively making it harder for people my age to access hrt#but i guess since im transmasc i dont actually have to worry about any of that! im fine!#i didnt have a 3 month time limit before it would be illegal for me to access hrt! im transmasc im too privileged to worry about that!#transphobia#transandrophobia
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All cards on the table.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#wen qing#Wei Wuxian has been such a menacing figure this whole episode.#Honestly if he never did anything else spooky after this point I would fully accept all the rumours stemmed from his hunt for Wen Ning.#Man walks into the room like 'what up I've got a flute that can toot and scare you to your root'#and all of the Jin sect started shaking and sweating. Someone from the Nie sect started to clap.#A JGY moment that I don't see talked about enough: He absolutely wishes he could go candidly apeshit in court like WWX did.#He's too concerned with his reputation to risk it though. The weightiness of 'I agree with his point but I choose inaction' is heavy.#Not for his character in particular but as part of the rhetoric MDZS sets out to routinely critique.#It's a bit too much to unpack in the tags of a silly comic in which someone plays her 'hysterical woman card' literally.#Next comic is a really special one. I'm so excited for you all to see it B*)
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