#but. fuck. i just don’t know what to think because??? i really dont think my saturn return is going to be easy at all
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ive returned because your writing haunts me and i need to dig into your brain about combat baby idk how deeply youve thought about like. the whole extent of this au so if im asking about stuff that you dont want to focus on for it forgive me but im so curious how do things go down with bill?? like hes still an issue here do they just try the unicorn hair and stan scams his way through (and ford is so shocked and lowkey turned on impressed they bang after) or with everything else happening does ford (stupid genius he is) just sort of forget bill can still enter stan's dreams even if hes got the metal plate and stans like "hey why am i dreaming about a dorito obsessed with your portal"
and im guessing ford would not be down to make his home a tourist trap so do you think stan would just help with the research? or would his insecurities about being dead weight to ford push him to try and find his own way of income?
and and what about the town?? do they have to awkwardly pretend theyre father and son or uncle and nephew or something? because sure they could pretend theyre not related but they still look pretty similar. ford just looks like an older, nerdier stan so i think that would be people's first assumption (ford seething quietly as susan flirts with stan. stan just thinks fords feeling uncomfortable in town because hes a hermit until theyre alone and they have a repeat of their highschool days with ford hissing in his ear and demanding to know what he was expecting to happen with susan. stan trying to answer but hes a little distracted at the time)
and also with ford being back would they ever run into fiddleford again? either him in his cult days or maybe already halfway to losing his mind. depending on where he is mentally im sure the interaction could be either pretty hostile or sympathetic
ive grabbed you by the ankles and am attempting to shake you upside down to try and empty your pockets for scraps of this au because it consumes me
-🐶
waaaaaah thanks for being patient with me friend! you know i ALWAYS love to see you with the big fuckin questions and ideas. and i have been THINKING about this one cause, tbh, i finished combat baby in a couple of days and went “GET OUT OF MY SIGHT” and threw it at y’all and did not think much about it after that! until i came over here and started chatting with y’all at least hahaha.
the bill issue is like a whole thing right? and i was definitely wondering how the time travel on one side but not the other might impact him/slow him down. but i also do think it’d be kind of fucking hilarious if stan starts dreaming about bill but like. doesn’t say anything and doesn’t even think it’s a big deal because. you know. they’re just weird dreams. and at this point, stan’s done enough drugs and been through the ringer with stress and shit that it doesn’t even occur to him to question having bizarre dreams about some little geometric freak trying to be nice to him. whaaat? a MATH SHAPE for fucking NERDS in a gay little sweater vest BOW TIE is COMPLIMENTING him in his dreams???
as far as stan’s concerned, his subconscious got REALLY hung up on the whole “ford said some nice shit to me while we were fucking” and just hasn’t let that go yet. which i think would also drive bill up the fucking wall. like stan would have been the harder nut to crack regardless, but to keep getting accused of being stan’s mental manifestation of his brother fucking praise kink???? (which of course invites the whole question of bill going fuck it, and just leaning into that, but i don’t think he’d be as adept that mimicking ford for stan as he was at mimicking stan for ford, so)
ngl, i do love the unicorn hair play, tho. fun fact! i have no idea if i’ll actually write it or not, but i’ve toyed with the idea of doing a role reversal with ford coming back out of the portal still in this 30’s and finding stan and everything else having moved forward 30 years. and the unicorn hair felt like a good way to potentially address the Bill Issue i was getting stopped up on there! but like. i also could absolutely see older!ford convincing stan to wear a collar necklace of unicorn hair to keep bill out of his head.
but i loooooove the idea of them getting mixed up with fiddleford’s cult shit. i don’t even know wtf i’d DO with that but conceptually i love it. cause they’re starting to keep an eye on the townspeople, right? and even if stan’s come up with some kinda story to explain there being kinda sorta two of them now, he wouldn’t know not to be outspoken about the other weird shit happening in town. y’know, on top of being some of the weird shit happening in town. something something, stan getting snatched like lazy susan did over the gnome incident, but ayyye that shit hits really fucking wrong when you’ve actually been kidnapped in the past already and had to chew your way out of a fucking car to get free. i think that’s be neat!!
and especially if we consider fidds being maybe already just shade too far gone, enough that running into stan or having him dragged into the cult would confuse the fuck out of him. because that’s stanford, right? it has to be, he’s coming in and out of stanford’s house, he looks like stanford with a few questionable fashion and hygiene choices — but then again, stanford hadn’t been in great shape the last time he’d shown his face outside of the cabin, either. but his hands are wrong. his hands are wrong and he can’t be stanford but then why does he look like him? easy solution: everybody gets their memory wiped.
something something, stan may not know where the fuck he is, but he knows coming to in a room full of shady guys he doesn’t recognize is either gonna end with him losing teeth or a little bit of dignity, and he’d like to hold on to his teeth a little longer.
#do we think ford would kill a cult if he caught them gang banging his brother???#or do we think he’d join in and then wipe all their memories of it??????#oh no i like that idea a little too much#god dammit boston#putting it on The List#stancest#pretend my ask tag is cute
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Opinions on how ascension is portrayed by the community vs Canon?
I’m ngl I feel like downpour kinda…not ruined, but “christianized” ascension a bit. i mean, rubicon is literally called “hell region” in the game files. not to say that i don’t like rubicon, i actually fucking love it — it’s a twisted parody of everything we have come to know melting together and literally coming full circle, ascending from the void sea while a reversed pictures of the past plays, as the cycle starts a new. but yknow. tone it down with the red and gold hellfire aesthetic maybe.
however i dont like how rubicon kinda made it look like ascension is…bad. i feel like its up to the individual to determine that. some, like pebbles and most of the benefactors, wanted ascension. but some dont. gourmand is seemingly content where he is. i doubt rivulet or spearmaster wanted to ascend based on how underwhelming their ascension endings are. i think the benefactors (literally by nature of calling themselves that) made a broad assumption that everyone, including those outside their society, want to ascend.
ascension is morally neutral. it’s the context around it that isn’t.
in my apple juice fic (im so sorry i keep mentioning it) the colony scugs think ascension isn’t good because it takes a loved member of their family away. hunter, on the other hand, thinks it’s good, because she was raised by someone influenced by the benefactors and literally programmed to believe ascension is the answer (though i don’t think sig really gives a shit about the problem all that much)
but yeah. i don’t really like…like concrete answers to what ascension is. we don’t know what it is. it’s literally unknowable and that’s what makes the iterators’ stories so tragic. but it’s also what makes the world feel alien and cool!
so. yeah. that’s my take on it! as you can tell i kinda like rain world being left very vague because it adds to the mystery and stuff. i don’t know how the cycles work and don’t really…want to? i of course am a sucker for reincarnation stuff, like bro scugerators lilypad getting to raise hunter and rivulet as their actual slugcat daughters is so fuckin precious!! but also it could literally just be you dissolve into nothing, it’s just. like that!!
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unleashes the horrors upon you (the horrors are my gay little ocs)
#hello gays come get yalls food#myart#yes the design notes are all useless. except for like ris’ one maybe#his design is very square bc he is. er. evil#anyway i really like how they all turned out :) my little guys#didn’t even struggle with the colors for that long (lie)#ok maybe some actual design notes or something similar#wt and ris both have lighter hair streaks and wrinkes bc they are. old👍#and also ris and soar have the same hair and eye color. if u care#cd still has their fucked up eye of course <3 i like what i did with the hair too#bro cuts it themself it’s soo choppy and messy. but it’s ok it adds to the gamer charm#fta has heart shaped hair because. i want hearts to be part of his design tbh#like the gardener has a heart too. so#it’s bc he likes cute things btw. but he won’t admit it so don’t ask him#son giving you the tbh stare…. i feel like they are the type of autistic to make uncomfortable amounts of eye contact#they just dont know when to stop or look away#also their hair is matching with wt’s yayy!!! found family win i think#i mean with son it’s more like forced family but yknow#oc: weaving tales#oc: recognition in spirit#oc: cognitive dissonance#oc: spins on axis rapidly#oc: fates torn again#oc: speaks of nothing
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I think that part of what like. kills me about the whole media literacy and critical thinking aspect of enjoying media these days is that people refuse to like. contextualize that
A. Bad media can still hold significant meaning to people
B. Media made for a demographic you aren’t apart of is not inherently bad media
C. Media made for and consumed by the opposite demographic is not inherently shallow or flawed nor is it above criticism for its media tropes either.
#unimportant thoughts#i dont feel like dropping specifics in post but like. people online drive me legitimately insane#good example is Ready Player One. its an okay book but people LOVE to hate on it for being a shallow nostalgia grab for old male demographic#and like. yeah. but also comsider that it Was written earnestly by a man in that demographic? and that people enjoyed it???#and maybe im soft hearted but my Dad was a nerd in the 80’s so both of us reading that book and comparing our experiences with it and#learning about his childhood from him. it was awesome yk??? was the book groudbreaking or particularly moving? no#are there a lot of fair criticisms you can make about the book regarding its poorly written female characters and painfully male tone#throughout? absolutely. its not the most vile piece of media its barely mediocre and its not the best thing since sliced bread either#and it kills me because instead of being able to have conversations like thay#people just attack and attack and attack and ATTACK#I don’t know i think the rise of this booktook wattpad level romance smut is another big part of this#are those books incredible? no. definitely not. are they decent? yeah theyre fine enough#are their characters shallow; do they follow tropes; are the characters clearly romanticized objects for us to googoo eye over? yeah#so fucking what??? they arent winning pulitzer prizes theyre just popular online and easily accesible#people love consumbable media thats not an inherently bad thing#and i think its hypocritical for people to defend one and attack the other or even to attack both#media doesnt exist to be appropriately Deep and Meaningful before people are allowed to consume and enjoy it#like. i think theres a LOT of levels of undestanding compassion and respect that people need to reach before these conversations are worth#anything. because right now it really feels like girls and boys arguing back and forth on the playground over whos show is better#anyways. i could go on but i wont.#bottom line i suggest you take a deep look at how ‘realistic’ and ‘meaningful’ the media you enjoy actually fucking is before you start#critizing other media for being too shallow or unrealistic depictions of something#hate to break it to you guys but 90% of fictional characters are fictional and dont act like people irl ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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My little brother is dating a girl online and I had to type this out and all of 2021-2023 just flashed before my eyes… Me of all people saying this now lmao
#my sister is like supporting him because she moved across the country with a guy she met online at his age#and I am having war style flags backs because I failed with just friends and it still haunts me and upsets me lmfao#it is like horrifying to even think that maybe he’s experience what I did because maybe I am just a loser who never lets anything go#and holds everything forever but like… 1-2 years later I still be up at night crying so like AHHHH#Literally horrifying that’s so raven ass moment reading his messages#I mean I also use to be his age and lonely fuck I was 21 and lonely acting the same way#But I don’t like seeing him do it like it’s actually scary because he doesn’t know what I know he doesn’t know that I know about this shit#like I’ve been there and he is just like saying he gets it but not really like ugh LISTEN YOU DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT YOUR DOING ENTIRELY
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#okay i read a transcription of most of the nj video#and my main conclusion is that the girls are highly misinformed / being fed false info bcs no adult figure is looking over them#‘mhj is the producer of our music’ that woman has never produced a single song#‘our demands are not being met’ ur demand is to bring back mhj ? i wonder why it is not being met#even the manager not saying hi thing … saying this with all the empathy to them but i get it#imagine ur team boss tries a coup towards the company and u side with them it’s understandable if other employees don’t feel comfortable#and the legal side too like most employees were probably instructed not to interact with them on company grounds#and again i have all the empathy towards them and understand it’s because they’re victims and so on but this is all just bcs they can’t let#mhj go#like if they weren’t fighting tooth and nail for her everything would be different#and they don’t have adult figures telling them this and protecting them from the situation#they just dont know how working environments / company work and they have no one guiding and helping them throughout all of it#this whole thing is just so heartbreaking and frustrating#and they said they found out about the situation from the media — that again proves that mhj doesn’t actually care because she knew about#all of it but she couldn’t pick up the phone to tell them ?#hybe can get fucked and is evil too but if anything this suggests they wanted to leave the girls out of it at first at least#this is not to say i think hybe was nice just to be clear i think they just didn’t think the girls would care this much since it was a#business/legal dispute concerning the company#it’s like if aespa cared when lsm was kicked out .. they didn’t gaf and that’s what it’s supposed to be like !#the leak thing is so heinous tho like i really don’t understand why someone would leak private records of some young girls#after we’re done with mhj we gotta take care of bpd
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tell me your failed/embarrassing flirting stories to make me feel better, i’ll go first: today i said “get out of my way” forgot to say “i’m kidding” then immediately said “bye”
#it is awful having feelings for someone you know and have an established friendship with#but crushing on someone i barely know is knew to me and i legit feel like an idiot every time i do something stupid like this#i can’t just. talk to the guy#if i say hey and he says sup i say ‘sup indeed’ like what the fuck is that#i can barely even say hello to him#don’t get me wrong i’ve DONE it but most days i’m like#ah fuck there he is#okay you can do it just say hi#just say what’s up#and then he’s already gone#also. like. the setting we’re in is soooo not good for talking or flirting realt because um. it’s work he’s my coworker.. so um. do i fuckin#ask him for his number?? or to hang out??? but like. he’s kind of a stranger to me what do i want to hang out for 🧍#but like. i dont want to do that until i have at least one successful interaction#or like. an actual conversation.#which is gonna be really hard to manage because he doesn’t talk much at all to anyone and i really only talk if someone talks to me first or#i’ll say something absolutely idiotic and ridiculous (and honestly i do that no matter what)#anyway so um. i guess i’m just gonna keep making a fool of myself until i get it right and hopefully i don’t screw it up 🥴#i lost all my confidence in the last year and i cant do anything chill or smooth anymore (i was never that good in the first place but at#least i could PRETEND i knew what i was doing. like i could sell it. the whole weird and lost bit.)#anyway. i felt better for like 5 minutes when some guy at the gas station flirt failed with me on the way home. but that’s partly my fault#too oops. in his defense he probably could not see that i had headphones on bc upon mirror inspection they were well blended with my hair#but i was waiting to cross the street and this guy tried to like nod and smile and i did not know it was to me until i got to the other side#where the gas station was and and like. tried again and i awkward half smiled and saw his face get all mushy and confused like mine FELT 20#mins before when i’d flopped so hard trying to flirt and by the time i’d processed WAIT i think he was FLIRTING WITH ME i was already gone 🤡#but at least it ended better than the poor 14yo who very confidently asked for my number#who. i shit you not. SCREECHED for a solid 44.5 seconds and bolted the other direction when i said sorry im 21#his friends were standing there like wtf too and one was like i am so sorry about him 🤦#cheers to being fools universe
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1. it’s my 24th birthday today, so my goal of being published by the time i’m 25 is now a one year looming monster, but i never specified what kind of published and am currently looking in various literary magazines that are recommended for writers who have yet to be published, so i’m surprisingly confident that i can make it work? and tbh even if whatever i write isn’t officially published before my 25th birthday, if i have someone in the process of being published then i’ll be happy!! no matter what though, i’m gonna try to be proud of myself for at least giving it my best shot!!
2. i honestly love that my birthday is on the ides of march because the ides of march meme shitposting is only a thing on tumblr but it also being my birthday makes it easier to like. be excited about the ides of march outside of tumblr. like even in person i can be like “it’s my birthday! i’m an ides of march babe (:” and if someone is like oh what’s that? or if they say something along the lines of oh like julius caesar? i can be like yep!! and even if it’s a small thing outside of tumblr it brings me immense enjoyment and amusement being able to bring it up off of tumblr
3. transportation situation has been very rough since june 2023 when i totalled my car, my gap insurance are being assholes and i ended up putting my foot down on the phone with them yesterday which i’m pretty proud of because i am NOT a confrontational person (something i’ve been working on this past year, so seeing some improvement with my ability to hold my ground and not be a pushover yesterday was very cool!!) i was told i’d get a response from them by friday next week no matter what, and if i don’t then friday of next week i will continue to wreak havoc upon them. but my moms car which i’ve been using since my accident broke down yesterday, hopefully it’s fixable but my parents were saying it might be done for, so trying to think of how i’m gonna get to work next week is kind of stressing me out lmao, but for now i’m just gonna focus on enjoying my birthday the best i can because i don’t want to start off being 24 with an overwhelming anxiety for something that won’t be a potential issue until monday. plus i already messaged my boss today to let her know that i’m going to do everything i can to make it work out but just so she’s in the loop and knows of the potential of me not being able to make my morning shifts (one of my coworkers said she’s more than happy to give me a ride for our afternoon shifts which does help relieve some of the stress!) and i told her i’d let her know for sure sunday so that if necessary she can have time to figure out someone to fill in for me in the mornings!
overall: life is weird and i ended being 23 yesterday with a shitty situation but a positive outlook and i am going to enjoy my first day of being 24 no matter what because honestly i fucking earned it. happy friday everyone, i hope it’s a good day for you and me both!
#aritalks#i did cry a little bit when i first woke up because i dont really know what to do about work and also i hate not having a car i can use#not only because of the work aspect but also getting my license when i was 18 gave me a freedom i didn’t have before#and i don’t like having to rely on other people just to like go to the fucking store or something yk#but then my best friend/roommate messaged me happy birthday and i was like fuck it! today is going to be a good day!#the stressful uncertainties can wait until tomorrow#also one of my best friends who hasn’t said happy birthday to me the past two years#(not intentionally im p sure they were just busy on my birthdays the past two years#and then had that moment of ‘oh shit i didnt send a message fuck i think its too late now’ which i totally get bc anxiety things yk)#was one of the first people to message me happy birthday!!#i’m also hoping to still be able to go see my mom and then stay the night at my dads tonight#so i can see both my parents and also my baby siblings for my birthday#my dads working today but after he texted happy birthday i sent him a text asking if he thinks we could still make it work#my mom is asleep still i think (she called me at midnight and left a voicemail singing happy birthday!! but her sleep schedule has been all#over the place recently so i’m waiting until 11:30 to call her which is in like 30 mins)#but she said something yesterday about driving out to me to give me a hug and also bring me my diabetes stuff that got delivered#(her house is my mailing address because i know it’s not going to change bc it’s my great grandparents house that she’s partially inhereting#when my great grandpa dies but since i have moved out of my dads my address has changed twice and i didnt have a mailbox at my last place so#just for the sake of consistency and not having to worry about important shit getting sent to the wrong address i’ve had her house as my#mailing address since i moved out of my dads at 19)#so i think i’m gonna ask her if she can just pick me up instead so i can go to her house w her and hang out with her#and hopefully my dad will be able to at least stop by with my siblings so i can see them too#i’d like to stay the night with them but if we can’t make it happen then i can also stay the night w my mom and hopefully tomorrow figure#out the car situation. might have to rent a car for a week if i can afford it? best case scenario is my moms car can be fixed but i still#dont know whats wrong with it ik there are two potential problems and one is fixable the other is not#the fixable one would cost like $150-$400 to fix depending on if we get a used part or a new one#if its $150-$200 ish i can probably afford to pay for the whole thing or at least most of it#but if its more than that hopefully my dad or one of my family members can help#and i can just pay them back in like $50 increments with my next few paychecks#just realized i said i wouldnt worry abt the car thing today and also i think im at tag limit to i’ll stop now lmao xoxo gossip girl ❤️
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Starting to realize that the thing I’ve long been sensing may possibly happen during my Saturn return… Is now far more likely an actual possibility that may unfold than I initially imagined, & not sure how to feel about that.
#Ngl I’m dreading my Saturn return. Ik they say not everyone’s saturn return is bad. ik that.#& ik that sometimes for some even if painful it brings about far better in the end. ik that.#but. fuck. i just don’t know what to think because??? i really dont think my saturn return is going to be easy at all#if this shit unfolds during it. the stuff ive been feeling may happen in one way or another.#something ive been sensing since. 2020. & after yesterday…#i just. sorry im just like dwelling on slightly more somber subjects im just.#need to think aloud.#ishtar rambles ;#like listen. i have saturn aspecting almost fucking everything in my chart.#i feel that means shit absolutely is gonna be shaken up. & even if for the better it does not seem like itll be easy.#& the nodal reversal is a means of preparing you for that too to my understanding? or at least some ppl see it that way.#& well. looks away from my current nodal reversal transit.
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I hate looking through my fic lists because IT MAKES ME WANNA READ THEM ALL AGAIN
#THE TAGS TURNED INTO MY REFLECTION FOR THE YEAR PRESS MORE AT YOUR OWN RISK#I said more it’s See all my bad HAHAHHA#I DONT have time#BUT I WANT TO#because I KNOW THEYRE SO GOODKSKDKDK#chatterye#someone interacted w my matsuhana shit and I miss them so badly#also I’ve been wanting to reread my favorite sunaosa fic recently#I think I will#ALSO SOMETIMES I JUST WANNA PUNCH PAST ME because WHAT AM I SAYINGFJCKDKFKDKFKSJFJKG#I’m reading my thoughts and sometimes I’m like so true bestie and sometimes I’m like BESTIE WHAT THE FUCK#but just CPing the summaries is easy and less embarrassing BUT ITS SO NOT FUN#WHERES THE CHARACTER#this might be pretentious of me to say but I think I really was the reason the hq fic rec fandom started to write their thoughts about fics#for fic rec lists because when I first started I don’t ever recall seeing like proper lists w a bunch of thoughts instead of just the links#or the summaries of the fics; I think it only started to become a thing after I started#I could totally be wrong about that don’t quote me but after I started I saw so many more lists like mine HAHAHAHHA#anyways sometimes I miss washy but it made me stressed out so I’m also glad to be away from it heheh#sad I never got around to certain ideas I had but I think my best was the Christmas tree I was so funny for that#this is my new year reflection mayhaps HAHAHAH#I will say i think overall I like matsuhana the most#I think they had the best fics and the least horrible fanon interpretations regardless of how old the fics were and all the fics were sogood#they make me so happy and I really loved so many ships but they came out on top even though I read so many other fics I always come back to#my matsuhana fics because they make such an impact on me also I have my favorite angst fics there which are written so beautifully#genuinely very grateful for those writers
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#i think this is just my irritability from my meds#so i’m putting my rant down in the tags#im going to delete this later but i just needed to get this out bc i’ve seen it quite a few times now#but if i see one more fuckin person say something along the lines of ‘stop drawing the iterators/slugcats in this way because it’s boring#or wrong or doesn’t match up with MY HEADCANON’#im gonna fucking lose it. if you want to see slugcats or iterators drawn how YOU like them. why don’t YOU draw them. or YOU pay other#artists you draw them for you?#the fact that some people are so god damn entitled to fanworks that passionate people are making FOR FREE#this isn’t about any of my followers or anything and i block people who say shit like that on sight but for real.#your interpretations of characters and designs are not the end all be all. i interpret sigs shape language as pointy! a lot of the fandom#sees her as square! you know what i DONT do? make posts about how artists should stop drawing him square#you know what i DO do? draw her pointy MYSELF!#i’ll delete this later bc it really doesn’t matter and it’s NOT directed at any of my followers or moots it’s just a general thing ive seen#you do realize that most of what we have to go off of are 10 pixel tall muppets right.#going crazy stupid with designs is FUN! im beginning to think some of y’all take this shit WAY too seriously lmao#anyways.
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it feels like im reading against the intended tone of the relationship and character but god. if you take dana’s actions purely at face value the kind of person it paints is like. One I have a lot of complicated feelings about.
#like dont get me wrong miguel needs his ass kicked several ways to sunday for the cheating#but man. is there something to be read in someone who#finds a scaple and digs DEEP when she wants to hurt someone. like hanging out with Stone - KNOWING he drugged miguel - because she wants to#needle him about not spending time with her. kissing gabriel while saying not to let the past affect his relationship w his brother now#LIKE. on one hand i can just chalk this up to shitty misogynistic 90s writing and theres absolutely an element to that#but on the other hand im like how do you fuck up interiority on this woman specifically SO hard if youre not going to interogate the actions#she takes or offer an insight into how this character thinks or considers others around her#when other women in this series like Xina and Conchata have really interesting and compelling dynamics and actions that you can dig at from#several difffent angles like#THROWING MY HANDS IN THE AIR! GOD! I want the writing to give a shit about how it constructs Dana and what that implies about the kind of#person she is#tunes talks critical#<- since there’s an element of me bitching shdhd#tunes talks 2099#and like. I don’t need Dana to be a ‘good’ person! I want her to be a person that I can interpret the mindset of! and understand the way shw#views other people and herself and it just doesn’t feel like the writing gives her that grace
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Lesbian or trans guy…. Lesbian or trans guy… lesbian or trans guy…. That is The question
#like !!!!!! I would like this To Be Over#rn Im Kinda doing a thing where I ‘came out’ as a trans guy to a bunch of ppl#(my friends and dad’s side of the family ya know ppl it’s not a big deal for)#and trying to present more masculine more often#mostly to see if I like it better#it’s basically an experimentation thing despite me still not being sure#because I thought it would help because hey!!! if I really like it then great! I’m a dude!#if I hate it or it makes me uncomfortable then great!!!! not a dude!!!!#unfortunately it is not working out that way and I am still mostly confused#like…. I just don’t understand 😭😭😭 I want to understand and I don’t#I got jealous when my friend started hormones and then I was talking about gender issues with my therapist and she asked if I wanted her to#write me a letter for hormones or any surgeries and the idea of changing my body like that made me viscerally uncomfortable#like what!!!!! the fuck!!!!!! what is wrong with me!!!!!#why can I not just know exactly what I want and how I want ppl to refer to me and how I want to be seen#my friends call me ‘he’ and their pets ‘uncle’ and my dad called me his son and like okay awesome#I think I kinda like it but it’s also a goddamn jumpscare every fuckin time#sometimes I think I like being a guy but also I wanna be a lesbian#and like sometimes I wanna be a dude but the idea of having a dick? absolutely fucking not I KNOW I don’t want that#but I want a deeper voice and more body hair#and just ugh UGH I DONT UNDERSTAAAAAAND#like yeah I know I’m almost certainly on the non-binary spectrum like there’s no denying that#but :( I just wanna know how I want to look and be seen so I could actually take steps towards being more comfortable#because no matter what I’ve tried I’ve never been completely comfortable#guy or girl even sometimes androgynous it just isn’t working#I just want to be Me and I feel fine but literally the second I get referred to as anything from an outside party#it sparks intense euphoria or dysphoria but it’s not consistent so I can’t figure it out#anyways I wanna melt into the floor of this Costco one of my dude coworkers called me ‘man’ and I cringed but then another coworker called#me ‘she’ and I also cringed#like what the fuck what in fresh hell I’m so frustrated I just want it all to stop#like it’s all fun and games ‘haha I’m a boy lesbian’ and sometimes yeah that does feel right but also both are wrong and just
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#vent#its so hard to believe that I’m not just inherently unlovable when every relationship i’ve been in has crashed and burned#and twice in a row now its ended with thw other person getting with someone Better.#I think i’m just not cut out for relationships of any kind. whether it be a qpr or romantic#because every time i’ve always absolutely ruined it with my terrible anxiety and ocd#like i’m done trying at this point. if I ever get feelings like that again (which I doubt iwill) I’m just not going to pursue them.#because like whats the point of it if I know it’s just going to end the exact same way it always does#in 5 months at worst and nearly 2 years at best#i wouldnt normally talk about this here but idont really have anyone to talk to about this#i’m probably going to#immediately bury this under a million posts so certain people don’t see this#I don’t know#i think i’m just too much in general for someone to love like that#too anxious too affectionate just too much. and it’s not like i’m pretty or smart to make up for it#people usually only like me because I’m nice.#or because I’m entertaining like a little goddamn court jester#thats it.#and then they get with me and they realize Oh this fucking sucks actually. i’m gonna go now#im supposed to be on vacation i shouldnt be thinking about this i dont WANT to be thinking about this#but some stuff happened with some really fucking bad timing because god hates me and wants to make things worse for me when I’m already#struggling enough#i just wish I was normal and I wish I was good enough#and I wish I wasn’t me because I hate being stuck with myself#i give up.
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cw : gender confusion ??? just me being confused and unsure what the fuck i want my pronouns to be. kinda vent and i get super long winded in the tags LOL
sometimes i’m all ahhh fuck it they/them bUT I THINK IM JUST SCARED TO MAKE THAT TRANSITION and i know there’s absolutely no pressure and i don’t mind she/they but even that still doesn’t feel quite right ??? the confusion is so real
#they/she???#they/she/he?????#OH MY GOD I DONT FUCKING KNOW#AND I KNOW I DONT HAVE TO KNOW BUT I SURE FUCKIN WANT TO#UGHHH MAYBE THEY THEM IS THE MOVE BUT LIKE I SAID I THINK THE REASON I HAVENT CHANGED THEM YET IS CUZ IM SCARED#and i know i very recently changed to she/they#but i knew that never actually felt right it’s just better than she/her#i’m just. a gender queer :’)#they them but i don’t think i want the label nonbinary for some reason#which obviously i don’t need to use#bc genderqueer feels better??#or sometimes just gender nonconforming?#if you couldn’t tell i’m confused and it’s weirdly hard to talk about even though i know my partner has probably experienced something very#similar to what i’m feeling#but it’s just because the only thing i can really say is I DONT KNOW#which again i know that’s fine but i do wanna know#and i think maybe i actually do know but for some reason i feel hesitant to make the change#even though i think it’s more representative of how i view my gender#i guess i’m not ready?#and i know that it’s okay not to be ready#but for some reason it still bothers me?#also secret for anyone i started a diff side blog and made the change there LOLOLOL#*for anyone still here#but i’m not showing anyone the blog yet i just am trying to feel it out by myself ig??#anyways on todays episode of gender with maria we come to the conclusion that they still want seungcheols gender for themselves#why does he get it >:|#［ on : ria tries to be interesting %.
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bough
#I hate spiraling#I managed to stop before it got worse but now I’m just still in a state from the spiraling and I’m just. I’m so tired of thinking I’m dying#everyday it’s so exhausting and the fear is never ending and the worry that maybe I am really dying and I have no idea bc I’m scared to go#to the doctor and then it’s my fault I waited so long etc. and then it’s like if I am what have I even done with my life? what is there to#be proud of or look at and feel fulfilled? atp in my life I have wasted my life I’ve done nothing and I’m rotting away and it’s like if I#found out I was dying it’s like that’s all I got I wasted so much time etc. and I’m just spiraling out tonight man it sucks I hate this I#hate my brain I just want to be fucking normal and not be scared everyday that I’m genuinely dying and it’s my fault and that I’m wasting my#life away not doing so many things I wanted to and like you think well jay shouldn’t that encourage you to live life to the fullest of your#ability? and yeah I’d love to but then my head just thinks all those things again and the cycle repeats and I just am so terrified as soon#as something in my body hurts or something is off etc. because my immediate thought is just its fucking over man and I’m too scared to go#to the doctor about things and I’m just repeating shit now I’m sorry if anyone Ben reads this far I’m obviously having a night#I’m just talking to the wall with this post but it helps me calm down a little I guess#god I need a therapist I stopped looking but I think it’s time I get back on that and quick because I really don’t think I can keep living#this way anymore it is so genuinely exhausting and I dont know how to help myself with it#sorry if anyone gets a peek at this actually. I obviously need help and this is just an outlet for me rn ig
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