#but. fuck. i just don’t know what to think because??? i really dont think my saturn return is going to be easy at all
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Went to the OBGYN today! She remarked how hairy I was and thinks I could possibly have PCOS! She wants to do some tests before diagnosing but yeah!
I feel validated right now. Like really validated. My hairy self, my masculine frame, my flat chest (not flat anymore because birth control fucked me up), my acne that started young, and when I could speak I had a very masculine voice. All these things got me bullied when I was younger, and I feel like a part of me sorta healed from that appointment. I felt like such a “freak” (I DONT think intersex people are freaks. This is just how I felt) growing up because I didn’t look like girls my age. I was always masculine, and that fucked with me A LOT when I was early teens and even childhood and just trying to fit in.
I’ve always been hesitant to call myself intersex, or even say I suspect that I’m intersex. I can’t ignore my life experiences, but I also don’t want to push myself into a community when I don’t even know what I have yet or what’s going on. I’m hoping to get answers soon but apart of me is afraid I’ll never really get answers, and always just have that part of me always feel like a “freak” because it’s always been unexplained.
I know there’s a chance that my levels could be normal and I don’t get the diagnosis, but I still feel validated right now.
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DRIVEN BY ADRENALINE suna rintarou. chapter 003 ; mcdonalds.
< previous ; masterlist ; next >
২ 𓂅 ࣪ ೨ ; 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐓 (757)
২ 𓂅 ࣪ ೨ ; 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆 (filler chapter, short but sweet, only child! reader, a little angsty in regards to reader beung an only child, just backstory on reader + runa family, profanity, mcdonalds)
a/n: i dont do authors notes, and i probs wont do this again, but i wanted to wish all those who celebrate a very merry christmas !! i hope you eat yummy food and have a great time with your family !
When you get a text from Runa asking to join her for lunch, of course you say yes. It’s your fourth day here and you still haven’t made a peep to any of your classmates. Runa’s kind of the only person you know at university.
You meet her in front of your dorm building and the ride to Mcdonald’s isn’t too long. Apparently, they built this Mcdonald’s last year purely because it’s around a bunch of broke college kids.
Runa orders first and you order the same thing. Who knew you two were so similar? You sit down and, for the first few minutes, you’re both quiet.
Runa breaks the silence first by asking about your family.
“Oh, I’m an only child,” you say with a shrug. “My parents are also both only children, so I don’t really have a big family or anything. I only have a few cousins who are much, much older than me. Courtesy of my great aunts and uncles.” You shrug again and pop a fry in your mouth. “Um, my mom is a pediatrician, so she was never really home, and my dad works for the local newspaper.”
She nods along as you speak, watching you intently. Once you finish, she hums. “That’s too bad. Growing up without a lot of family, I mean.” She frowns slightly. “Your dad is a newspaper guy, though, is that why you want to teach English when you get older?”
“Um,” You think for a moment. “Maybe? I don’t know. I’ve just always been good at English.” You pause, then shake your head. “What about you? What’s your family like?”
Her eyes widen and she suddenly smiles widely. “Oh, I have a huge family. I have three brothers and one sister. I’m the oldest, which,” she rolls her eyes, “sucks, by the way. My mom passed away when I was little, but my dad works for a car company. Not selling them, building them. He’s, like, a genius. That’s why I got into cars. I’m assuming Rin told you about Atsumu’s dad’s car?” When you nod, she nods as well. “Yeah, they were always working on that stupid car. It was, like, twenty years old, but it was cool as fuck.”
You nod, taking a bite of your burger. “That sounds awesome. When I was younger I used to be super jealous of other kids with siblings. My house was always quiet, so I used to turn all the TV’s on and pretend that there were people in the house.” You laugh at the memory, but when you look at Runa, she’s frowning once again. “It’s okay, though,” you try to backtrack. “I liked my privacy, too. I never had to share a room, there was always hot water to shower with, never had to deal with siblings chasing after me with a knife or something.” You snicker and shrug again.
She stays quiet for a long moment. The two of you sit in silence again, just eating your food.
Eventually, you clear your throat. “So, um, what do you do for fun? You mentioned being a manager for your high school’s volleyball team, but what do you like to do now?” You raise your brows inquisitively. “Oh, what are you majoring in?”
“Communications,” she answers quickly. The sudden smile on her face almost makes you giggle. She sure does change emotions rather quickly. “I want to do something to do with public relations, maybe? I don’t know. When I was a manager I felt like I was doing something that fit, you know? So I’m thinking of becoming a PR manager for a sports team or something. Volleyball or maybe soccer.” She shrugs.
“That makes sense.” You nod. “I think you’d be good at marketing, too. You’re very…” you trail off, thinking. “Persuasive.”
She laughs and shakes her head. “I just talk a lot.”
You laugh, too, and look back down at your food. It’s nearly gone, but you don’t think you can finish it. “Do you want the rest of my fries?” You ask.
“Um, yeah, obviously.”
As you laugh once more and hand her the french fries, you can’t help but think that Runa is going to be a good friend. She’s funny and nice and she included you in something dear to her the first day you met her.
You go to sleep that night with a smile on your face for the first time in a while. Similarly, for the first time, you’re excited to wake up with Runa tomorrow.
২ 𓂅 ࣪ ೨ ; 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓
@sahrii , @cherrysurf , @heartmaddie , @jpegarchives , @massacremars
@vertejay , @tiramizuloz , @gumims , @mybelovedvi , @chaotic-neutral-ig
@usbrous , @iheartamora , @iluv-ace , @xavlyzn , @velvetreds
@mysticstrawberryballoon , @h0n3y-l3m0n05 , @aethersluvrr , @smiithys
#haikyuu#haikyuu x reader#kawoala#haikyuu!!#haikyuu!! x reader#haikyuu!! suna x reader#haikyuu suna x reader#suna rintarou x reader#haikyuu suna rintarou#haikyuu!! suna#rintarou suna#haikyuu suna#suna x reader#suna rintarou#driven by adrenaline#street racer au#street racing#street racer suna rintarou
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unleashes the horrors upon you (the horrors are my gay little ocs)
#hello gays come get yalls food#myart#yes the design notes are all useless. except for like ris’ one maybe#his design is very square bc he is. er. evil#anyway i really like how they all turned out :) my little guys#didn’t even struggle with the colors for that long (lie)#ok maybe some actual design notes or something similar#wt and ris both have lighter hair streaks and wrinkes bc they are. old👍#and also ris and soar have the same hair and eye color. if u care#cd still has their fucked up eye of course <3 i like what i did with the hair too#bro cuts it themself it’s soo choppy and messy. but it’s ok it adds to the gamer charm#fta has heart shaped hair because. i want hearts to be part of his design tbh#like the gardener has a heart too. so#it’s bc he likes cute things btw. but he won’t admit it so don’t ask him#son giving you the tbh stare…. i feel like they are the type of autistic to make uncomfortable amounts of eye contact#they just dont know when to stop or look away#also their hair is matching with wt’s yayy!!! found family win i think#i mean with son it’s more like forced family but yknow#oc: weaving tales#oc: recognition in spirit#oc: cognitive dissonance#oc: spins on axis rapidly#oc: fates torn again#oc: speaks of nothing
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I think that part of what like. kills me about the whole media literacy and critical thinking aspect of enjoying media these days is that people refuse to like. contextualize that
A. Bad media can still hold significant meaning to people
B. Media made for a demographic you aren’t apart of is not inherently bad media
C. Media made for and consumed by the opposite demographic is not inherently shallow or flawed nor is it above criticism for its media tropes either.
#unimportant thoughts#i dont feel like dropping specifics in post but like. people online drive me legitimately insane#good example is Ready Player One. its an okay book but people LOVE to hate on it for being a shallow nostalgia grab for old male demographic#and like. yeah. but also comsider that it Was written earnestly by a man in that demographic? and that people enjoyed it???#and maybe im soft hearted but my Dad was a nerd in the 80’s so both of us reading that book and comparing our experiences with it and#learning about his childhood from him. it was awesome yk??? was the book groudbreaking or particularly moving? no#are there a lot of fair criticisms you can make about the book regarding its poorly written female characters and painfully male tone#throughout? absolutely. its not the most vile piece of media its barely mediocre and its not the best thing since sliced bread either#and it kills me because instead of being able to have conversations like thay#people just attack and attack and attack and ATTACK#I don’t know i think the rise of this booktook wattpad level romance smut is another big part of this#are those books incredible? no. definitely not. are they decent? yeah theyre fine enough#are their characters shallow; do they follow tropes; are the characters clearly romanticized objects for us to googoo eye over? yeah#so fucking what??? they arent winning pulitzer prizes theyre just popular online and easily accesible#people love consumbable media thats not an inherently bad thing#and i think its hypocritical for people to defend one and attack the other or even to attack both#media doesnt exist to be appropriately Deep and Meaningful before people are allowed to consume and enjoy it#like. i think theres a LOT of levels of undestanding compassion and respect that people need to reach before these conversations are worth#anything. because right now it really feels like girls and boys arguing back and forth on the playground over whos show is better#anyways. i could go on but i wont.#bottom line i suggest you take a deep look at how ‘realistic’ and ‘meaningful’ the media you enjoy actually fucking is before you start#critizing other media for being too shallow or unrealistic depictions of something#hate to break it to you guys but 90% of fictional characters are fictional and dont act like people irl ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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JUST FINISHED MY STUPID LITTLE PDBC COMIC 🦅🦅🔥🔥🔥 it’ll be scheduled to post on the 13th because the comic is about the briar zome and if you remember The Lore™️, the briar zome can only be accessed on Friday the 13ths so I figured it’d be fitting to post it then been if it means delaying it a bit (wasn’t actually planned that way, it just so happened that the week I finished it was the same week as a Friday the 13th, lucky coincidence)
#LONG TAG RAMBLE INCOMING OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH#ok so admittedly I am NOT really pleased with how it turned out I gotta be honest#I’m posting it anyway obviously but as a disclaimer I do Not think it’s a good representation of. anything#it’s not egregiously bad I think I just don’t think it encapsulates the energy of pdbc (HEARTBREAKING)#I’m cutting myself some slack because it’s really the first ever long-ish pdbc related comic I’ve made so#there’s a learning curve and I’m ok with that I guess#it’s admittedly hard to translate to comic form because pdbc is for the most part a mess of miscellaneous ideas#and I love it that way. I really do. it’s so fun to write complete nonsense#but trying to string it together IS hard as one could imagine#so! what I’m trying to say!! it’s not my proudest work and I don’t want it to be taken as the overall quality of anything I make#I did have fun making it though so I will probably make more in the future#so hopefully I can improve over time just DONT LOSE FAITH IN ME PLEASE!!!#I’m gonna work on some character designs before anything so I have more to work with in the future#so just WAIT FOR ME TO IMPROVE PLEASE I am but a MERE CHILD!!! (SORT OF) (TECHNICALLY IN THE EYES OF THE LAW)#and genuinely PLEASE GIVE ME FEEDBACK PLEAAAAASEEEE OUUGHHH#very gentle feedback because I have paper thin skin and Will Actually Fucking Cry over heavy criticism. so.#full disclosure i know the art is pretty bland. that was for the sake of time and I am fully aware I should’ve put more effort into it#therefore I’m lookin more for feedback on the writing and stuff. my writing style might be a bit off#< in the sense that I tend to write dialogue more casually. I have trouble scripting it out I just kinda write what flows naturally#but that can cause problems for pacing (speaking of pacing the pacing is bad too#but that’s because of the 10 image limit on mobile!! had to cram it into ten pages boooo)#so uh. yapping over. it is essentially a beta test of what Could be. so keep that in mind#hopefully it is somewhat enjoyable for you guys?? 👍👍
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My little brother is dating a girl online and I had to type this out and all of 2021-2023 just flashed before my eyes… Me of all people saying this now lmao
#my sister is like supporting him because she moved across the country with a guy she met online at his age#and I am having war style flags backs because I failed with just friends and it still haunts me and upsets me lmfao#it is like horrifying to even think that maybe he’s experience what I did because maybe I am just a loser who never lets anything go#and holds everything forever but like… 1-2 years later I still be up at night crying so like AHHHH#Literally horrifying that’s so raven ass moment reading his messages#I mean I also use to be his age and lonely fuck I was 21 and lonely acting the same way#But I don’t like seeing him do it like it’s actually scary because he doesn’t know what I know he doesn’t know that I know about this shit#like I’ve been there and he is just like saying he gets it but not really like ugh LISTEN YOU DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT YOUR DOING ENTIRELY
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#okay i read a transcription of most of the nj video#and my main conclusion is that the girls are highly misinformed / being fed false info bcs no adult figure is looking over them#‘mhj is the producer of our music’ that woman has never produced a single song#‘our demands are not being met’ ur demand is to bring back mhj ? i wonder why it is not being met#even the manager not saying hi thing … saying this with all the empathy to them but i get it#imagine ur team boss tries a coup towards the company and u side with them it’s understandable if other employees don’t feel comfortable#and the legal side too like most employees were probably instructed not to interact with them on company grounds#and again i have all the empathy towards them and understand it’s because they’re victims and so on but this is all just bcs they can’t let#mhj go#like if they weren’t fighting tooth and nail for her everything would be different#and they don’t have adult figures telling them this and protecting them from the situation#they just dont know how working environments / company work and they have no one guiding and helping them throughout all of it#this whole thing is just so heartbreaking and frustrating#and they said they found out about the situation from the media — that again proves that mhj doesn’t actually care because she knew about#all of it but she couldn’t pick up the phone to tell them ?#hybe can get fucked and is evil too but if anything this suggests they wanted to leave the girls out of it at first at least#this is not to say i think hybe was nice just to be clear i think they just didn’t think the girls would care this much since it was a#business/legal dispute concerning the company#it’s like if aespa cared when lsm was kicked out .. they didn’t gaf and that’s what it’s supposed to be like !#the leak thing is so heinous tho like i really don’t understand why someone would leak private records of some young girls#after we’re done with mhj we gotta take care of bpd
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tell me your failed/embarrassing flirting stories to make me feel better, i’ll go first: today i said “get out of my way” forgot to say “i’m kidding” then immediately said “bye”
#it is awful having feelings for someone you know and have an established friendship with#but crushing on someone i barely know is knew to me and i legit feel like an idiot every time i do something stupid like this#i can’t just. talk to the guy#if i say hey and he says sup i say ‘sup indeed’ like what the fuck is that#i can barely even say hello to him#don’t get me wrong i’ve DONE it but most days i’m like#ah fuck there he is#okay you can do it just say hi#just say what’s up#and then he’s already gone#also. like. the setting we’re in is soooo not good for talking or flirting realt because um. it’s work he’s my coworker.. so um. do i fuckin#ask him for his number?? or to hang out??? but like. he’s kind of a stranger to me what do i want to hang out for 🧍#but like. i dont want to do that until i have at least one successful interaction#or like. an actual conversation.#which is gonna be really hard to manage because he doesn’t talk much at all to anyone and i really only talk if someone talks to me first or#i’ll say something absolutely idiotic and ridiculous (and honestly i do that no matter what)#anyway so um. i guess i’m just gonna keep making a fool of myself until i get it right and hopefully i don’t screw it up 🥴#i lost all my confidence in the last year and i cant do anything chill or smooth anymore (i was never that good in the first place but at#least i could PRETEND i knew what i was doing. like i could sell it. the whole weird and lost bit.)#anyway. i felt better for like 5 minutes when some guy at the gas station flirt failed with me on the way home. but that’s partly my fault#too oops. in his defense he probably could not see that i had headphones on bc upon mirror inspection they were well blended with my hair#but i was waiting to cross the street and this guy tried to like nod and smile and i did not know it was to me until i got to the other side#where the gas station was and and like. tried again and i awkward half smiled and saw his face get all mushy and confused like mine FELT 20#mins before when i’d flopped so hard trying to flirt and by the time i’d processed WAIT i think he was FLIRTING WITH ME i was already gone 🤡#but at least it ended better than the poor 14yo who very confidently asked for my number#who. i shit you not. SCREECHED for a solid 44.5 seconds and bolted the other direction when i said sorry im 21#his friends were standing there like wtf too and one was like i am so sorry about him 🤦#cheers to being fools universe
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1. it’s my 24th birthday today, so my goal of being published by the time i’m 25 is now a one year looming monster, but i never specified what kind of published and am currently looking in various literary magazines that are recommended for writers who have yet to be published, so i’m surprisingly confident that i can make it work? and tbh even if whatever i write isn’t officially published before my 25th birthday, if i have someone in the process of being published then i’ll be happy!! no matter what though, i’m gonna try to be proud of myself for at least giving it my best shot!!
2. i honestly love that my birthday is on the ides of march because the ides of march meme shitposting is only a thing on tumblr but it also being my birthday makes it easier to like. be excited about the ides of march outside of tumblr. like even in person i can be like “it’s my birthday! i’m an ides of march babe (:” and if someone is like oh what’s that? or if they say something along the lines of oh like julius caesar? i can be like yep!! and even if it’s a small thing outside of tumblr it brings me immense enjoyment and amusement being able to bring it up off of tumblr
3. transportation situation has been very rough since june 2023 when i totalled my car, my gap insurance are being assholes and i ended up putting my foot down on the phone with them yesterday which i’m pretty proud of because i am NOT a confrontational person (something i’ve been working on this past year, so seeing some improvement with my ability to hold my ground and not be a pushover yesterday was very cool!!) i was told i’d get a response from them by friday next week no matter what, and if i don’t then friday of next week i will continue to wreak havoc upon them. but my moms car which i’ve been using since my accident broke down yesterday, hopefully it’s fixable but my parents were saying it might be done for, so trying to think of how i’m gonna get to work next week is kind of stressing me out lmao, but for now i’m just gonna focus on enjoying my birthday the best i can because i don’t want to start off being 24 with an overwhelming anxiety for something that won’t be a potential issue until monday. plus i already messaged my boss today to let her know that i’m going to do everything i can to make it work out but just so she’s in the loop and knows of the potential of me not being able to make my morning shifts (one of my coworkers said she’s more than happy to give me a ride for our afternoon shifts which does help relieve some of the stress!) and i told her i’d let her know for sure sunday so that if necessary she can have time to figure out someone to fill in for me in the mornings!
overall: life is weird and i ended being 23 yesterday with a shitty situation but a positive outlook and i am going to enjoy my first day of being 24 no matter what because honestly i fucking earned it. happy friday everyone, i hope it’s a good day for you and me both!
#aritalks#i did cry a little bit when i first woke up because i dont really know what to do about work and also i hate not having a car i can use#not only because of the work aspect but also getting my license when i was 18 gave me a freedom i didn’t have before#and i don’t like having to rely on other people just to like go to the fucking store or something yk#but then my best friend/roommate messaged me happy birthday and i was like fuck it! today is going to be a good day!#the stressful uncertainties can wait until tomorrow#also one of my best friends who hasn’t said happy birthday to me the past two years#(not intentionally im p sure they were just busy on my birthdays the past two years#and then had that moment of ‘oh shit i didnt send a message fuck i think its too late now’ which i totally get bc anxiety things yk)#was one of the first people to message me happy birthday!!#i’m also hoping to still be able to go see my mom and then stay the night at my dads tonight#so i can see both my parents and also my baby siblings for my birthday#my dads working today but after he texted happy birthday i sent him a text asking if he thinks we could still make it work#my mom is asleep still i think (she called me at midnight and left a voicemail singing happy birthday!! but her sleep schedule has been all#over the place recently so i’m waiting until 11:30 to call her which is in like 30 mins)#but she said something yesterday about driving out to me to give me a hug and also bring me my diabetes stuff that got delivered#(her house is my mailing address because i know it’s not going to change bc it’s my great grandparents house that she’s partially inhereting#when my great grandpa dies but since i have moved out of my dads my address has changed twice and i didnt have a mailbox at my last place so#just for the sake of consistency and not having to worry about important shit getting sent to the wrong address i’ve had her house as my#mailing address since i moved out of my dads at 19)#so i think i’m gonna ask her if she can just pick me up instead so i can go to her house w her and hang out with her#and hopefully my dad will be able to at least stop by with my siblings so i can see them too#i’d like to stay the night with them but if we can’t make it happen then i can also stay the night w my mom and hopefully tomorrow figure#out the car situation. might have to rent a car for a week if i can afford it? best case scenario is my moms car can be fixed but i still#dont know whats wrong with it ik there are two potential problems and one is fixable the other is not#the fixable one would cost like $150-$400 to fix depending on if we get a used part or a new one#if its $150-$200 ish i can probably afford to pay for the whole thing or at least most of it#but if its more than that hopefully my dad or one of my family members can help#and i can just pay them back in like $50 increments with my next few paychecks#just realized i said i wouldnt worry abt the car thing today and also i think im at tag limit to i’ll stop now lmao xoxo gossip girl ❤️
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#i think this is just my irritability from my meds#so i’m putting my rant down in the tags#im going to delete this later but i just needed to get this out bc i’ve seen it quite a few times now#but if i see one more fuckin person say something along the lines of ‘stop drawing the iterators/slugcats in this way because it’s boring#or wrong or doesn’t match up with MY HEADCANON’#im gonna fucking lose it. if you want to see slugcats or iterators drawn how YOU like them. why don’t YOU draw them. or YOU pay other#artists you draw them for you?#the fact that some people are so god damn entitled to fanworks that passionate people are making FOR FREE#this isn’t about any of my followers or anything and i block people who say shit like that on sight but for real.#your interpretations of characters and designs are not the end all be all. i interpret sigs shape language as pointy! a lot of the fandom#sees her as square! you know what i DONT do? make posts about how artists should stop drawing him square#you know what i DO do? draw her pointy MYSELF!#i’ll delete this later bc it really doesn’t matter and it’s NOT directed at any of my followers or moots it’s just a general thing ive seen#you do realize that most of what we have to go off of are 10 pixel tall muppets right.#going crazy stupid with designs is FUN! im beginning to think some of y’all take this shit WAY too seriously lmao#anyways.
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Starting to realize that the thing I’ve long been sensing may possibly happen during my Saturn return… Is now far more likely an actual possibility that may unfold than I initially imagined, & not sure how to feel about that.
#Ngl I’m dreading my Saturn return. Ik they say not everyone’s saturn return is bad. ik that.#& ik that sometimes for some even if painful it brings about far better in the end. ik that.#but. fuck. i just don’t know what to think because??? i really dont think my saturn return is going to be easy at all#if this shit unfolds during it. the stuff ive been feeling may happen in one way or another.#something ive been sensing since. 2020. & after yesterday…#i just. sorry im just like dwelling on slightly more somber subjects im just.#need to think aloud.#ishtar rambles ;#like listen. i have saturn aspecting almost fucking everything in my chart.#i feel that means shit absolutely is gonna be shaken up. & even if for the better it does not seem like itll be easy.#& the nodal reversal is a means of preparing you for that too to my understanding? or at least some ppl see it that way.#& well. looks away from my current nodal reversal transit.
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I hate looking through my fic lists because IT MAKES ME WANNA READ THEM ALL AGAIN
#THE TAGS TURNED INTO MY REFLECTION FOR THE YEAR PRESS MORE AT YOUR OWN RISK#I said more it’s See all my bad HAHAHHA#I DONT have time#BUT I WANT TO#because I KNOW THEYRE SO GOODKSKDKDK#chatterye#someone interacted w my matsuhana shit and I miss them so badly#also I’ve been wanting to reread my favorite sunaosa fic recently#I think I will#ALSO SOMETIMES I JUST WANNA PUNCH PAST ME because WHAT AM I SAYINGFJCKDKFKDKFKSJFJKG#I’m reading my thoughts and sometimes I’m like so true bestie and sometimes I’m like BESTIE WHAT THE FUCK#but just CPing the summaries is easy and less embarrassing BUT ITS SO NOT FUN#WHERES THE CHARACTER#this might be pretentious of me to say but I think I really was the reason the hq fic rec fandom started to write their thoughts about fics#for fic rec lists because when I first started I don’t ever recall seeing like proper lists w a bunch of thoughts instead of just the links#or the summaries of the fics; I think it only started to become a thing after I started#I could totally be wrong about that don’t quote me but after I started I saw so many more lists like mine HAHAHAHHA#anyways sometimes I miss washy but it made me stressed out so I’m also glad to be away from it heheh#sad I never got around to certain ideas I had but I think my best was the Christmas tree I was so funny for that#this is my new year reflection mayhaps HAHAHAH#I will say i think overall I like matsuhana the most#I think they had the best fics and the least horrible fanon interpretations regardless of how old the fics were and all the fics were sogood#they make me so happy and I really loved so many ships but they came out on top even though I read so many other fics I always come back to#my matsuhana fics because they make such an impact on me also I have my favorite angst fics there which are written so beautifully#genuinely very grateful for those writers
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it feels like im reading against the intended tone of the relationship and character but god. if you take dana’s actions purely at face value the kind of person it paints is like. One I have a lot of complicated feelings about.
#like dont get me wrong miguel needs his ass kicked several ways to sunday for the cheating#but man. is there something to be read in someone who#finds a scaple and digs DEEP when she wants to hurt someone. like hanging out with Stone - KNOWING he drugged miguel - because she wants to#needle him about not spending time with her. kissing gabriel while saying not to let the past affect his relationship w his brother now#LIKE. on one hand i can just chalk this up to shitty misogynistic 90s writing and theres absolutely an element to that#but on the other hand im like how do you fuck up interiority on this woman specifically SO hard if youre not going to interogate the actions#she takes or offer an insight into how this character thinks or considers others around her#when other women in this series like Xina and Conchata have really interesting and compelling dynamics and actions that you can dig at from#several difffent angles like#THROWING MY HANDS IN THE AIR! GOD! I want the writing to give a shit about how it constructs Dana and what that implies about the kind of#person she is#tunes talks critical#<- since there’s an element of me bitching shdhd#tunes talks 2099#and like. I don’t need Dana to be a ‘good’ person! I want her to be a person that I can interpret the mindset of! and understand the way shw#views other people and herself and it just doesn’t feel like the writing gives her that grace
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Lesbian or trans guy…. Lesbian or trans guy… lesbian or trans guy…. That is The question
#like !!!!!! I would like this To Be Over#rn Im Kinda doing a thing where I ‘came out’ as a trans guy to a bunch of ppl#(my friends and dad’s side of the family ya know ppl it’s not a big deal for)#and trying to present more masculine more often#mostly to see if I like it better#it’s basically an experimentation thing despite me still not being sure#because I thought it would help because hey!!! if I really like it then great! I’m a dude!#if I hate it or it makes me uncomfortable then great!!!! not a dude!!!!#unfortunately it is not working out that way and I am still mostly confused#like…. I just don’t understand 😭😭😭 I want to understand and I don’t#I got jealous when my friend started hormones and then I was talking about gender issues with my therapist and she asked if I wanted her to#write me a letter for hormones or any surgeries and the idea of changing my body like that made me viscerally uncomfortable#like what!!!!! the fuck!!!!!! what is wrong with me!!!!!#why can I not just know exactly what I want and how I want ppl to refer to me and how I want to be seen#my friends call me ‘he’ and their pets ‘uncle’ and my dad called me his son and like okay awesome#I think I kinda like it but it’s also a goddamn jumpscare every fuckin time#sometimes I think I like being a guy but also I wanna be a lesbian#and like sometimes I wanna be a dude but the idea of having a dick? absolutely fucking not I KNOW I don’t want that#but I want a deeper voice and more body hair#and just ugh UGH I DONT UNDERSTAAAAAAND#like yeah I know I’m almost certainly on the non-binary spectrum like there’s no denying that#but :( I just wanna know how I want to look and be seen so I could actually take steps towards being more comfortable#because no matter what I’ve tried I’ve never been completely comfortable#guy or girl even sometimes androgynous it just isn’t working#I just want to be Me and I feel fine but literally the second I get referred to as anything from an outside party#it sparks intense euphoria or dysphoria but it’s not consistent so I can’t figure it out#anyways I wanna melt into the floor of this Costco one of my dude coworkers called me ‘man’ and I cringed but then another coworker called#me ‘she’ and I also cringed#like what the fuck what in fresh hell I’m so frustrated I just want it all to stop#like it’s all fun and games ‘haha I’m a boy lesbian’ and sometimes yeah that does feel right but also both are wrong and just
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#vent#its so hard to believe that I’m not just inherently unlovable when every relationship i’ve been in has crashed and burned#and twice in a row now its ended with thw other person getting with someone Better.#I think i’m just not cut out for relationships of any kind. whether it be a qpr or romantic#because every time i’ve always absolutely ruined it with my terrible anxiety and ocd#like i’m done trying at this point. if I ever get feelings like that again (which I doubt iwill) I’m just not going to pursue them.#because like whats the point of it if I know it’s just going to end the exact same way it always does#in 5 months at worst and nearly 2 years at best#i wouldnt normally talk about this here but idont really have anyone to talk to about this#i’m probably going to#immediately bury this under a million posts so certain people don’t see this#I don’t know#i think i’m just too much in general for someone to love like that#too anxious too affectionate just too much. and it’s not like i’m pretty or smart to make up for it#people usually only like me because I’m nice.#or because I’m entertaining like a little goddamn court jester#thats it.#and then they get with me and they realize Oh this fucking sucks actually. i’m gonna go now#im supposed to be on vacation i shouldnt be thinking about this i dont WANT to be thinking about this#but some stuff happened with some really fucking bad timing because god hates me and wants to make things worse for me when I’m already#struggling enough#i just wish I was normal and I wish I was good enough#and I wish I wasn’t me because I hate being stuck with myself#i give up.
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cw : gender confusion ??? just me being confused and unsure what the fuck i want my pronouns to be. kinda vent and i get super long winded in the tags LOL
sometimes i’m all ahhh fuck it they/them bUT I THINK IM JUST SCARED TO MAKE THAT TRANSITION and i know there’s absolutely no pressure and i don’t mind she/they but even that still doesn’t feel quite right ??? the confusion is so real
#they/she???#they/she/he?????#OH MY GOD I DONT FUCKING KNOW#AND I KNOW I DONT HAVE TO KNOW BUT I SURE FUCKIN WANT TO#UGHHH MAYBE THEY THEM IS THE MOVE BUT LIKE I SAID I THINK THE REASON I HAVENT CHANGED THEM YET IS CUZ IM SCARED#and i know i very recently changed to she/they#but i knew that never actually felt right it’s just better than she/her#i’m just. a gender queer :’)#they them but i don’t think i want the label nonbinary for some reason#which obviously i don’t need to use#bc genderqueer feels better??#or sometimes just gender nonconforming?#if you couldn’t tell i’m confused and it’s weirdly hard to talk about even though i know my partner has probably experienced something very#similar to what i’m feeling#but it’s just because the only thing i can really say is I DONT KNOW#which again i know that’s fine but i do wanna know#and i think maybe i actually do know but for some reason i feel hesitant to make the change#even though i think it’s more representative of how i view my gender#i guess i’m not ready?#and i know that it’s okay not to be ready#but for some reason it still bothers me?#also secret for anyone i started a diff side blog and made the change there LOLOLOL#*for anyone still here#but i’m not showing anyone the blog yet i just am trying to feel it out by myself ig??#anyways on todays episode of gender with maria we come to the conclusion that they still want seungcheols gender for themselves#why does he get it >:|#［ on : ria tries to be interesting %.
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