#rn Im Kinda doing a thing where I ‘came out’ as a trans guy to a bunch of ppl

[yuribalisms]

Lesbian or trans guy…. Lesbian or trans guy… lesbian or trans guy…. That is The question

[vhvrs]

im genuinely confused, why refer to a character you 'made' trans with she/her pronouns?

i say 'made' because they seem like OCs that use league lore?

im asking out of genuine curiosity, sorry if this is mean

its a fair question, no worries!

its... kinda hard to explain and i haven't prior bc while i use she/her (and they/them) for my vik, i generally dont care nor want to tell anyone what to refer to them as bc the original point of my viktor was that they do not clarify their pronouns or gender bc they dont care. i just... kindve went off on my own thing a bit lol.

so that's one reason ig?

my academy viktor is also intended to be this really tricky period where they know they arent cis but arent willing nor in a space to explore it further than through jayce. she/her has a level of safety when coming fully out is scary and, again, dont really want to think abt it too hard. on top of her only real means of exploring being trans being through jayce alone in their dorm n hes already seeing them as transmasc despite presentation and pronouns so a need to explore further isnt really a priority.

another reason that trying to deconstruct the gender behind certain things like pronouns can just feel really good. she/her can be feminine or it can be masculine or it can be neither! viktor and jayce have that understanding n i mean me as the guy behind it does too lol. (n my mh using it is just extending that safety n gendervoid further now that they have a body they feel more comfortable in and can wear that she/her w a sort of pride? something thats now hers to do with whatever and bc by then most ppl default to he/they so she/her becomes something no longer normative and able to become unattached to their afab. she can weaponize she/her now in a way they only got to test out as pre-herald?)

another, another reason is tldr i was a really awkward she/they transmasc when i first came out n it feels good to explore what that felt like through viktor, you know? (that was my original intention for her at all actually...) n get more comfortable in still being a kindve gnc they/he through a character who took their afab scenerio to the furtherest it can go and let it remain a valid agender thing. that kindve tints a lot of why i do that i guess + being in very... genderfuckery free for all spaces where this stuffs just very normal.

i usually tend to go out here to a certain extent with characters i relate to or like ie making them nonbinary, changing pronouns, and presentations (making them into ocs rip not denying the oc with league paintover allegations) this is just an extra step for me personally to have a safe, contained space to explore gender stuff myself... its a nice feeling to have created a scenerio where she/her doesnt void being transmasc/agender or can... idk enhance it even?? idk im not trying to reflect the nauces of reality rn im just trying to have fun.

this is v long winded bc im tired n felt this needed a proper explanation so. thank you if you understand this and i appreciate you asking bc id rather ppl just ask vs possibly get more confused not knowing my intentions n mindset. take care ♡

[nothorses]

hi! its the teen trans guy anon back again, first off thank u so much for responding!! it was great to like, hear ur perspective on it yknow? anyway, like, the whole thing is that my mother cancelled therapy after i came out, because i came out to her at a meeting w my therapist :/. also, i dont live in the US, im in switzerland, i should have made that more clear. also, this is kinda weird to ask but do u have any tutorials on how to make a packer? i have a binder and guys clothes, but my bottom dysphoria is the worst of all rn.

anywho, this is getting long, thank u again man

No, that’s not on you to clarify! I have the most experience with U.S. stuff, and tend to go digging for that first, but I know that’s not where everyone’s at. That info does help, though; I poked around a little more for some local organizations, including TGNS and Milchjugend, and found lists of more here and here (I’m a little limited here in that I don’t know the language, so you might want to dig more on your own or with some other help).

I really recommend getting in touch with folks at an organization with specific experience helping trans youth (or trans people in general, if that’s not possible), and asking about your legal rights and what resources they might be able to help with.

As far as packers go, here’s a video tutorial, here’s a written tutorial, and here’s a different DIY packer model. You can use safety pins to secure them in place, or look into harnesses through the website that second link is on. You might also consider STP devices if bathrooms are causing you trouble!

I’m sorry your mom’s withdrawn you from therapy; revoking access to mental health care because she disagrees with the opinion of the mental health professional is fully unethical and cruel, and you deserve better.

If you do feel mental health resources are helpful to you, this forum thread has a discussion that might be helpful. Anything you can do for your mental health while you have to deal with this is important.

I really hope you can find some support & resources and stick through this tough time. Things will get easier someday, especially once you’re old enough to have some control and autonomy in your own life- I know adulthood did a lot for me there, scary as it is sometimes. It seems like a long way off, but it’ll be worth the wait! And I hope you get at least some of the things you need before then, too. 

You got this, dude.

[smol-grey-tea]

I was gonna write the romo attraction thing today but honestly i dont feel like doing it bc im just rlly upset about smth that im sure a lot of ppl can relate to

So my irl friend groups are very... well they dont know much about these kinds of things, i had to be a walking encyclopaedia for them about my identities like nb stuff bc they didn't bother to just... look it up.

When i told them i was trans they would say "omg are you actually trans?? I have a trans best friend!!" Yikes

Instead they would ask me to explain it. Which is fine, i kinda hate having to explain for the 5th time that no, using the correct terms and pronouns is not a fucking burden, and that yes, dysphoria is awful and wont just magically go away.

and when i tell them to yk, not use pronouns for me and just use my name instead, not 1 person did that. They just... misgendered me and used she/her when i explicitly told them that it makes me dysphoric. I then told them to use coo/coos/cooself instead bc i quite like it, but they still didnt use it.

Then i gave up and told them to use they/them since it doesnt make me dysphoric even tho i lowkey hate it. They still misgender me but said "they'll try to get used to it". Its not that hard guys what the actual fuck???

Anyway, i was actually going to talk about aspec stuff. So i only told one of them that i was demiromantic demisexual, and they said "wtf is that" which yk is not a nice way to react to someone coming out, but i have thick skin so i just explained it bc again they couldnt bother to search it, and they said "ok ig" and changed the subject when i wanted to explain my attraction???? I've never had anyone that i could talk to about my complicated feelings with being aspec and just when i thought i could i was shut down.

I thought it was over and done with, until they started to... ignore my fucking identity??? Which i would say is way more important and personal to me than my bisexuality??? They never did any of that bs with my bisexuality probably bc they were pansexual themself, but jfc is it that hard to not make jokes about me being horny or having a crush or joking about setting me up on blind dates??? It legit made me so uncomfortable and i have no idea what to say.

Bc remember, they didnt exactly respect my pronouns and kept using gendered terms to refer to me even more after i came out??? I swear it feels like its on purpose every time they called me a girl but whatever

Istg they forgot that im demi bc they keep making these jokes and ignoring that i dont feel sexual or romantic attraction like that and keep acting as if i want to date ppl or fuck them when i say they look pretty??? I spent way too fucking long mistaking my aesthetic attraction for sexual for ppl to once again reinforce this idea and im done with it. Please for the love of god stop it.

I said i liked wilbur and thought he was rlly cute and they then proceeded to, you guessed it, act like im in love with him or that i want to fuck him. First of all, hes a real person on the internet that i do not know, 2nd of all, fucking eww, and 3rd of all, hes a whole ass adult and we r both in high school. Yikes again.

Ofc i didnt tell them these things and just said that i dont like him that way and just thought he was pretty and nothing else. They completely ignored this and thought i was just embarrassed or smth or that i was in denial. Yikes again again.

So yeah. The only lesson i learned is to never come out as aspec to anyone irl ever again. Tbh i kinda want to tell them that im not bi and that i dont feel any kind of attraction. It would be a lie but christ i wish they would stop. They can validate my bisexuality but not my nb or aspec identities? I knew that queer sexualities were more normalized now which is awesome but why cant they do that for trans ppl or aspecs? Why does it have to stop there?

Sorry for venting like this but i thought this might be relatable for yall. Ive never had the experience of feeling "broken" bc of any of my identities, im very confident in them. I just wish other ppl other than my online friends would feel the same.

Also sorry for delaying the romo attraction thingy i just rlly dont feel like it rn. Idk when i will write it but hopefully if i feel better i will finish it today

There's no pressure to write it up dude it's cool :) whenever you're ready ❤

And those ppl do not sound like good friends- idk exactly how old you are but ik I'm older, and I can tell you for certain that you will find better friends one day. It's guaranteed :) they don't deserve your friendship and I am glad to validate and help you in any way you need ❤❤

Yee I've never felt broken either! I think an element of that is that I thought I was allo for a very long time? But on the other hand I was bullied in my childhood for not having attraction so idk why that hasn't manifested into a phobia of romance but eh I'm better off this way whether it makes sense or not.

It makes me happy as well cuz a lot of ppl in the community seem very pessimistic abt how we're treated but it's nice to know that not all of us feel broken cuz the 2 of us are living examples of that :)

But unfortunately yeah, your experiences above are things many ppl can relate to. I'm sure almost everyone can remember a time where they came out to someone and weren't met with good responses,,

Let this be a reminder that this is not right and we deserve more support for something so personal. Even if you don't understand someone's identity that doesn't give you the right to dismiss or ignore them. Our identities are very important and personal to us and supporting them is basic respect.

[matoitech]

hello u dont have to answer this if u dont want, but ur situation with gender is scarily similar to where im at except im in the mindset that im nb wlw and dont rlly kno whats going on. I guess if u kno how to explain it, I wanted to ask how u made that jump or how u could tell it isnt just a "womanhood is like that" kind of thing and is actually "i am a guy"

oh man i wish i had smth that would make it Click for u easier cuz i def understand being rly confused abt this kinda thing.. i got a few Thoughts, idk if they will help u out but hopefully they give u some more thoughts to chew on that will maybe help anyway. this got so long oh hell sorry gbfhg

i think like the main thing as like a tip b4 we get in2 the Meat of it is it is good to relax and b open to thinking abt bein a guy as a possibility, i dont know if this will make sense bc i do not know how to explain it rly but when i was struggling 2 figure stuff out what i had rly needed 2 know was that being a dif gender can just feel like You (but as u become more comfortable w it, you but happier!) for some reason i thought u had to meet certain criteria to b ‘allowed’ to make what seemed 2 me at the time a Leap but thats not how it works lol. u as u r right now can b a guy if u want to or r considering it. u dont have to feel different and u dont have to think abt ur body a different way or anything. sry if this part doesnt make sense its difficult for me to verbalize lol

it was hard for me personally bc ppl would b like ‘if u Want to b a dif gender than b one’ but like i said in those last posts, for a long time i genuinely did not know i Wanted to be a guy/was a guy, or whatever. i had no conscious longing about it or anything, that came later once i was more comfortable w accepting it. i didnt have ‘i want to be a boy/am a boy’ moments i can rly consciously remember putting into those words as a kid, cuz i just did not care about gender on that level till i was a teenager. like i cannot stress this enough, ur life and feelings abt gender n whatever do not have to match up with what u have commonly heard the trans experience is about. once u figure stuff out and r more comfortable w urself u may look back and notice things that may b like that common trans experience, but remembering this stuff or having these childhood experiences or whatever in the first place is not a ‘requirement’. like i said, no requirements for bein a dif gender

for me like.. knowing it for sure... making the Jump as it were. like its kinda embarrassing but literally the way i Found Out was i was feeling all sorts of things whenever i watched promare and i just felt this INTENSE longing whenever i saw galo that i later realized was just me rly feeling the Gender w him and being envious of that.. it had happened w other chars b4 growing up, but i had never rly noticed to that extent till now. and one night i was thinking my usual ‘i wish i looked like galo i wish i could be a guy’ maybe for the first time in like a Conscious thought, when i had never rly heard it in words b4, and i kinda stopped and was like. what? i WHAT? and then it clicked and it was like a euphoric moment for me. easily top 5 best 2 ams of my life. it is kind of a hyperspecific experience but it is also not UNCOMMON rly lol

also figuring out my sexuality was intertwined in that bc i was iding as a butch nonbinary lesbian and i had tossed the idea of ‘maybe id b more comfortable as a man’ around a bit but the idea of being a straight man didnt feel right 2 me, but luckily i kind of made the connection of wait im a man and im attracted to men at like the exact same time, it had to b both at once for me personally to figure it out and b happy about it. idk if thats smth going thru ur head at all but it was for me and was part of my Journey i guess and may help to think abt it a bit lol

and while yes its absolutely about what makes u more comfortable at the end of the day, i think it wouldve helped for me to hear ppl say that just bc the idea of being a dif gender (in this case Man) might make u feel confused and maybe even uncomfortable rn, that doesnt necessarily mean u r not one if youve been struggling w this and wondering, it might just mean u havent had that clicky moment and r ready to rly think abt it yet. i have grown much more comfortable w myself over time as ive figured this stuff out and i am still open to figuring out more abt myself and i think thats a good place to b at! just b open to stuff like this that u maybe had never thought would have a positive effect on you or make you happier.

speaking from experience i think if ur confused and maybe even miserable telling urself that womanhood is just like that and u gotta suck it up and get used to feeling uncomfortable and bad, u dont have to live like that! im not saying that ‘oh im actually a guy’ is gonna b what everyone who is struggling w thats answer is cuz obviously thats not true- and im not saying how i just described it is even how u feel- but like. as someone who thought that same thing but less consciously. womanhood does not have to be a confusing sad experience, its not an inherently miserable experience, it is possible it just isnt for you and trying smth else might make u feel better. and that can b rly hard to figure out in the moment, cuz ur Used to feeling like this and even if youve heard it can b different it might b hard to have that ‘oh theyre talking to ME, it can be different for ME not just everyone else’ moment lol

also i dont know if this is relevant to u but im saying it in general 2 anyone who needs it i guess; being a man isnt a bad thing and it doesnt make u an inherently bad person, manhood and masculinity r not inherently or naturally toxic or something. thats a harmful mindset to have for multiple reasons and a whole nother post so im not gonna b like and now a word about transphobic red flags but like, worth mentioning that that can b harmful or dangerous to trans ppl, transmascs and transfems.

my god this got rly long... if anyone else has went thru a similar thing and has anything 2 add, feel free to :0 hope i somehow got around to answering ur question w all the rambling! i am just one guy and my experience may or may not b helpful to hear about, especially bc my memory is not the best lol <3 hope it helped at all tho!

[senoritaimperfecta]

Kon for the character meme?

Sexuality Headcanon: I simply think he’s gay ! In my mind I just see him slowly coming to terms over the years that none of his relationships with girls ever worked out because he’s gay & when him & Cassie dated & agreed to be friends it was a big part of it & I like to think they both dated & realized they were gay around the same time I like. I just have this whole thing in my head abt it with them I could have put this in he headcanon one but I’m putting it here I guess 😭😭😭

Gender Headcanon: it’s obvious, you all know I see kon as a trans guy like I feel like I talk abt it annoyingly

A ship I have with said character: Timkon is honestly one of my favorite dc ships (foolish) & I also rlly love him with Bart

A BROTP I have with said character: CASSIEEEEE also ROXYYYYY, just Kon & the blonde lesbians hanging out :)

A NOTP I have with said character: can I say timkon but you know like the specific one where ppl just make Tim all weak+timid & make Kon’s whole personality “Tim’s love interest” like can I just say that really specific annoying way ppl ship them together (especially when the ppl doing that hate Steph & Cassie)

Also obvious with Knockout & Tana I hate having to read through those relationships when I reread his solo for panels 😔😔😔

A random headcanon: I said this before I know I have but I still think that Kon would like that Disney channel movie you know Teen beach movie like. I just think he would rlly like it. Imagining

General Opinion over said character: insert a line abt me thinking Tim would be my favorite dc character only to be dragged into superfam stuff because I just really came to care about Conner as a character & I just really wish a lot of things.

I wish ppl wouldn’t just make content for him mainly when it comes to him being w paired Tim (yes I know I like timkon im allowed to be bitter though)

I also wish that more people just realized the good relationships he had w Clark because while Clark wasn’t there for him a lot it’s still super obvious that he cared abt Conner. Like I do think their relationship could definitely be awkward but like Clark was terrible to him the way ppl exaggerate it.

This is so long I’m sorry but honestly I also have a soft spot for t-shirt kon because that little arc he had with listing all the things Clark does & all the stuff Lex does kinda hit me in a personal way I don’t feel like elaborating rn 🤪🤪🤪

Sighhhh I just care abt kon & when it comes to him I’m honestly just like “it can be that deep” get him therapy

[kingjasnah]

actually. actually let’s talk about diversity in fantasy let’s give that a go. im mad and im gonna be that way for a while

don’t want to read all this? fair. tldr: fantasy writers who rely not only on the medieval europe model but also hide behind historical accuracy in 2020 (fuck it, from ‘95 onwards) are lazy and unimaginative and should be held accountable no matter how many white 20 year old dudes jerk off to whatever power fantasy is embedded in the plot. so lets chat about that lads. (slightly) drunk rant under the cut

now prelim shit: we know fantasy is used both as escapism and as a way to deal with various traumas via magical metaphor. staples of the genre. even if jk rowling busted out the laziest and at times offensive metaphor for ww2 and racism ive ever seen, she still adhered to time and true tropes. whatever.

so why have we, in this post game of thrones era, become insanely obsessed with realism? i can hear sixty 20-something year old men crying at me rn like oh ohh oh its based off the war of roses oh wahh all medieval fantasy fiction is based off england and the crusades anyway so women should get raped and people of color should be demonized its not racism its xenophobia and also gay people dont exist and disabled people are systematically killed off and if we stretch the magic fixes mental illness thing a LITTLE further we have straight up eugenics.

we all know where the england but myth thing came from. now the thing about tolkien is that while i will always absolutely love lotr, looking at the LAZY state of fantasy? damn i kinda wish he hadn’t revolutionized the genre. the bitch was still racist. he still didnt give a shit abt women (eowyn was just a vehicle to show how much he fucking hated macbeth anyone holding jrrt up as a feminist icon for that needs to sit the fuck down and explain to me why i can count the woman speaking roles in lotr, a story with a name and fleshed out backstory for every minor character, on one hand but thats! another post). he had something to say abt class with sam i’ll give him that but he is still 100% NOT what we need to hold our standards to in 2020. 

i dont want to talk about old school fantasy, like 80s early 90s cause theres literally no point. its sexist, racist, ableist for sure, this we know. david eddings (not even that old school tbh) can rise from the grave and explain himself to me personally and i still wont forgive him for ehlana. 

so let’s talk historical accuracy. quick question. who the FUCK gives a shit? WHO is this elusive got fan who’s out here like blehh actually??? this method of iron production is TOTALLY anachronistic of the time. ummm these vegetables in this fictional world were NOT native to english soil so how are they here? cause i know this is the classic argument but ive never actually met someone who cared about the lack of dysentery as much as they care abt the women getting raped on screen/page. 

god forbid you have to worldbuild for a second god forbid you can’t rely on the idea of fantasy readers already have in their head god forbid you have an original idea god forbid you spend more than two seconds thinking about ur setting (oh i should mention i dont....really blame GoT for its setting cause of how long ago it was og written but trust me i sure as hell blame grrm for writing a 13 yr old giving ‘consent’ to sex with a grown man within the first couple of chapters) 

If we accept the basic premise of fantasy as escapism, and i AM drunk so i will NOT be finding fuckin. quotes and shit for this but come on tolkien said it himself and as much as i’ll drag him he crafted the simplest and most powerful fantasy metaphors on the board rn. But if we know its escapism. If we know. then who is it escapism for? certainly not for me, the gay brown woman who busted through all of GoT in 10th grade. 

modern fantasy lit used as an excuse for that white male power fantasy is literally disgusting. calling historical accuracy is so fucking dumb ESPECIALLY cause we, as ppl in the 21st  century, KNOW women have been consistently written out of the story. poc ppl, gay and trans ppl, anyone with a god forbid disability has been WRITTEN out of history as we know it, INCLUDING the fucking war of the roses so HOW can we hold up testimony we know is flawed to support our FICTIONAL. STORY. just to??? support the white power fantasy?? literally noah fence but if you are a white guy who felt really empowered by every time jim butcher described a woman tell me: how do you think that’ll hold up in classic HisToRiCaL fantasy. you think thats a fucking noble pursuit? or are you grima wormtongue out here. 

(side note: jim butcher stop writing challenge i dont need to know abt every woman on page’s nipples. anyone who hides behind subgenre like that? ‘ohhh its a noir story thats why hes sexualizing everyone’ shut the fuck up an author isnt possessed by a fuckin muse and compelled to bust out 500k they have agency and they have choice and they MADE the choice to reserve said will for none of their female characters)

which brings me to point 2: target audience and BOY is the alcohol hitting me rn but WHO is this for? this isnt the fucking 80s we know poc and other marginalized folk read fantasy FOR the escapism. on god ive had a cosmere focused blog for nearly three years and. im just gonna say it im interacted with A LOT of yall and ive managed to talk to VERY few white straight ppl as compared to everyone else. 

like....who deserves to see the metaphor on homophobia or racism. joanne rowling? the bitch who literally tried to sell us happy slaves and the disgusting aids metaphor and the worst case of antisemitic stereotypes i ever saw in an nyt bestseller? yall think that was for US? or was it for the white guilt crowd. 

literally white people can find any book about them that they can relate to. but hmmm maybe theres a reason gay women care so much about stormlight archive’s jasnah kholin, a brown woman who’s heavily coded as wlw. or kaladin, the FIRST fantasy protag ive ever seen with clinical depression. hmm i wonder why a bunch of millennials are vibing all of a sudden. im not saying sanderson is perfect--but its the best ive seen from a white author tbh

maybe theres a reason a lot of poc vibe with a literary way to express trauma, and maybe thats why i specifically get so pissed when its not done well. theres a REASON books about outcasts pushing through and claiming their own lives are popular with people who arent white and straight and able bodied. Junot Diaz had a point. maybe lets STOP catering to those assholes who think theyre joseph campbell’s wet dream personified. ive lost respect SO many authors who are objectively talented. pat rothfuss can write so beautifully that ive cried to bits of name of the wind but literally i will never pick that series up again (not just because of the felurian. women in general tbh. mostly the felurian ngl) cause 1) i personally KNEW men whod jerk off to that shit and 2) there was no need for it there was no plot reason for ANY of that shit 

so like obviously thers an issue with authors of color specifically not getting recognized for fantasy and genre work but on god??????? im still mostly mad at the legions of white authors churning out the same medieval england chosen one books year after fucking year. have an original thought maybe. also im sorry that you as an author lack the basic empathy needed to examine the way that women? or any group of people that youre explicitly writing about see the world and would specifically see YOUR made up world. 

yes your fantasy should be diverse, but more than that it should be kind. if you as a writer cant respect groups of people who deserve it....what the hell are you doing in a genre that traditionally is about finding ways to express injustice through metaphor? tolkien’s hero was sam. fantasy was NEVER about the privileged. yall know who you are so stop acting so fucking entitled. peace out. 

[honexjams]

(this is long idc if u atchully read it i just kinda wanted to write it all out for my own self cos im in the shower rn and u know how that is, death spiral of existsntial dread if i dont get this out constructively.)

i was afab but fully saw myself as a boy from like birth so as a lil kid i just assumed i would like girls & to everyone else that meant lesbian so that was ID #1 when i was like 7 years old which was also around when i first remember feeling physical gender dysphoria so that prolly had sumn to do w me wanting to let people know i liked girls ya know. didnt have a super clear understanding of gender roles cos i was, 7, and trans lol. liking girls was a boy thing to me then so i went with it.

then at 11 i learned the words for being trans and was like 'yup' immediately so bam theres the boy part. when i came out to my mom like a week or so later she deadass just gaslit tf outta me and i went into a denial period for like almost a year thEn questioned if maybe i was just nonbinary cos i knew i wasnt a girl. that only lasted a bit before i was like hnnng nah im Just a dude. (i was still terrified of coming out due to ya know the mom & now that she knew i was having Trans Delusions she kept me from getting my hair cut and shopping in the mens section n shit it sucked).

then around 13 p-p-p-puberty happened and i started crushing on boys which freaked me out cos i already had dealt with Lesbophobia (as a guy that type of shit didnt hit the same i know that but it was still ostracization and bullying and not fun lmao) so having to 'un-come out' was weird & i didnt want to sacrifice the one thing that made people see me as more masc on an identity level (ik thats not how shit works but thats what i was clingin to) so i kept up that i just liked girls then just cos that felt like lying i went with bi. now i never had a 'i want to date you' crush on a girl like i had on guys, i just thought they were pretty ya know, so to maintain Bi-ness i kind of capped all attraction i had to guys at that 'i just think theyre pretty' level. i wasnt concious that i was doing this at that point but hindsight is 20/20.

anyway by around age 15 i was experiencing my first episodes of dissociation (long term untreated dysphoria can do that turns out yikes i had a Lot of Rage towards my parents at like All Times for a few months when i learned that thats what caused it oof) and confused the feeling of not having a body with the feeling of not having dysphoria because dysphoria was at the forefront of how i felt about my body. I took on the label of genderfluid for a bit because i percieved this as shifting between feeling male & agender. after a few months or sumn it just stopped feeling right so i just dropped it as lowkey as i held it.

at 16 i finally started coming out as trans and i think sumn about the dissonance between an accepting school life (started going to an art school, lotta queerz & people were super chill) and a transphobic homelife made the dissociation very much way a lot worse. so that, the dysphoria, and generally not allowing myself to be attracted to the gender i was naturally attracted to lead me to not be interested people romantically or sexually, so by age 17 i was like.... why havent i been attracted to anyone all this time hm guess im aroace. then Recently like in the past month? or two? i just caught a crush really hard and was like... i need to confront this and finally just said i was gay.

a few months ago i also got diagnosed with PCOS which is considered by some to be an intersex condition, specifically one where Estrogen Dominant People With Uteruses have a lil too much testosterone which makes me laff cos even my body is like come on this kids trans.

anyway im 18 now and i think im processing that im gay pretty well and i should be going on T next month if all goes alright. long story short life is weird and it gets better.

cant believe ive really identified as male female nonbinary and genderfluid, also as gay lesbian bi pan and aroace, and also have an intersex condition. the whole fucking acronym wow we stan

[tobyjamessharp]

I just recently had a friend come out as trans, and I myself am gay, so LGBT rights are very important to me, but it's been kind of, idk, hard, seeing them as a different person. I've known them for so long, and it's hard to see them as a different gender. I keep slipping and calling them by their birth name, and I feel so bad, but they are very understanding and I support them so much like it's not even funny. I know as they continue their transition it'll get easier (pt 1)

I’m gonna readmore my response cause I might ramble a bit!!

First off, let your friend know I’m really proud of them forcoming out! As you know as well, it’s a terrifying experience so getting thatout in the open is a big step that took a lot of courage.

And as far as struggling to see them as another person? Youreally don’t have to if that makes any sense? Your friend is still the sameperson they always have been, in or out of the closet. Now they just get tostart being vocal about something they’ve known for probably a very long time.

Journey of me coming to the realization I was trans was a prettybumpy one tbh. Growing up as a little kid I think I always knew? But my parentsnever pressured me into anything too “girly” and I didn’t really even know whatbeing transgender was so I didn’t talk too much about it. Apparently when I waslittle I got mad at my mom because I had told her I wanted a penis and she waslike “well bud you’re never gonna be able to grow one” like not being mean JUSTBEING FACTUAL RIGHT. AND BABY TOBY GOT REALLY MAD AT MY OWN BODY BECAUSE “WHYCAN’T I GROW ONE”  So in hindsight myparents were like “yeah there were signs as a child” but yeah.

Shit rly started getting not fun around 13-14? So awkwardtween teen time it sucked I hated it. And it was the stupidest way this thoughteven popped into my mind but it’s how it happened and like. You know thosemoments you can remember soooo clearly?? This is one of them like I could walkyou to the exact fucking spot this happened and be like here it is. I was inforever 21 with my siblings and like I hated every piece of clothing supposedlymeant for me and I remember looking over and the mens section and being like. Enviousof all the guys and thinking wow I would look and feel so much more comfortableIf I could dress like them. And then suddenly that thought hit me of “well areyou a boy?”  

And I was like fuck idk. I had never really consciously identifiedwith girls so I was just kinda floating. I kinda brushed that thought off andwas like meh that was just a random thought I probably will never question likethat again.

Let’s fast forward literally 4 years and not a day went bywhere I didn’t spend every waking moment stressing over that question. I wasafraid to say anything to my parents initially cause I thought they’d justbrush me off, but once I had  beenthinking about it for 4 years I figured there had to be some grain of truth tothis question that literally kept me up at night and sobbing in my room cause Ididn’t know. I talked to my parents and initially told them I thought I wasmaybe genderfluid because I was honestly terrified to fully admit I was transgenderbecause from everything I saw in mainstream media and news it was all justabout suffering and sadness and blah blah blah. I thought after “coming out” asnonbinary would make me feel better but my family still called me she/her andno one outside my family knew because I was playing college soccer on the womensteam at my school and I didn’t even want to cross that bridge. Again, thoughtit would get better, but depression was still horrible and I would literallysob in my dorm room nearly every night because I didn’t know what to do. So itwas my 18th bday when I came out as nonbinary to my parents, and itwas my 19th birthday when I had finally admitted to myself and myparents I was transgender and a male. The plan from there was to get me intothe therapy for gender dysphoria and depression because I needed it and I was afucking tERROR to be around because I was mad and depressed and taking it outon people and yiKES. But then also to go back to school and just play pretendagain for a year, finish my sophomore year of college soccer and then leave theteam after season, finish spring semester, and then take a year off totransition. Even with having to go back and pretend again, I felt better withtherapy and with having come out as a male to my family. Obvs rn I’m in theyear off stage of that plan and hopefully will be returning to a college campussoon :0

Transition wise I’ve been on HRT for a while now. I think Ijust passed 7 months earlier this week so that’s great. The HRT I use is acompound cream which works surprisingly well lmao.  I apply it twice a day and it’s really nicecause I don’t have to deal with the big mood swings and highs and lows thatusually come from weekly/monthly injections since those are one big dose atonce and you’re great for a while and then crash. And since at the time ofstarting HRT my depression was rly rly shitty my doctor thought this was a muchhealthier option for my mental health lmao. My voice is waaaay deeper than it everhas been which is great.  I’ve become avery hairy human being everywhere BUT my face which is gARBage (my dadapparently didn’t have to shave until he was 27 so I think I will be the sametha NKS DAD) And then things are growing down below which that’s a little tmibut it’s the truth so. Overall, my transition so far has been pretty smooth.And my mom and I are looking into a top surgeon in my city that apparently isincredible which is a feat in itself because im from texas which yikes.

And then with friends reaction to my coming out? It was alot better than I could’ve hoped. Again, I’m from texas so I didn’t have highhopes for a lot of being to be understanding, but the amount of support andlove I got from people I was sure would drop me like that was incredible.

From my point of view, I don’t think many of my closefriends from high school had a very hard time adjusting with pronouns or me beingtrans at all. Almost all of them just kinda told me like “this makes a lot ofsense, but you’re just you and I love you no matter what.” Also all my theatrefriends laughed because I had always wanted to play guy roles and when I wascast in them they were my best performances so everyone was like WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. College friends were a littledifferent because they’d only known me for 2 years as opposed to since like 6thgrade so people were supportive but I really only talk to one person fromcollege still who she’s like my best friend so yeah.

Honestly the biggest adjustment I think was actually myname? Which I lowkey actually fought my mom and family over changing my namebecause my birth name was a traditionally “boy” name.  Like idc I’ll just say it, my birth name wasCarson, which yes. Sounds like a male name. And that was the issue my parents had? That I already had a boy soundingname so why would I change it? They thought I was just doing it cause everytrans person does which. Inaccurate but ok. Not every trans person is the samebut I digress. What I eventually made them understand is that like yEAH cool itsounds like a boy name to you but mentally for me it is forever equated withbasically 20 years of being thought of and referred to as a girl so hey maybeit makes me uncomfortable to be called that crazy r  I g  ht.  Obvs we worked through that because Iam now working on getting my name changed to Toby, but that was really thebiggest thing people had a hard time with in my experience.

Again, it was hard because it’s basically having to relearn atrained response to something, but you don’t know how happy my best friend fromcollege was when she was able to tell me she was talking about me to herparents and she didn’t even have to think twice about saying toby.

As far as pronouns and birth names go,  I personally accepted that people were goingto mess up. I couldn’t expect people to get it right 100% of the time right offthe bat because it was basically just instinct to say  she/her or use my birth name. I knew they didn’tmean any harm by it and just gently corrected them each time. As long assomeone is making an effort and genuinely doesn’t want to hurt me byaccidentally misgendering me, I have no issues.

Obviously I can’t speak for your friend, but what did annoyme was when people would freak out and apologize over and over after theymessed up. So when people immediately went into a big speech about how they’retrying so hard and it’s so difficult for them and yadah yadah. Which I canunderstand. My therapist has helped me and my family with a lot because she’shelped us realize it isn’t just me transitioning, it’s my entire familytransitioning in their own way with me. One is admittedly much harder than theother lmao but still. It is a change for those around me, but acting like it’ssuch a big burden on other’s shoulders to have to try and change use ofpronouns or names is kinda a kick in the gut to the person transitioning. Bestadvice I have for you on that front is to just keep trying and if you do messup, (which you will. It’s just human nature. My mom still calls me by my birthname on occasion because she just forgets and she has 20 years of instinct workingagainst her) be genuine and apologize, try to be the one to correct yourselfinstead of your friend doing so, and don’t blow it up into a huge thing. Again,I can’t speak for your friend, but I usually just wanted the conversation tocontinue like normal afterwards, not deal with someone giving me 60 differentexcuses about messing up.

I hope this helped somehow?? I rambled  a lot lmAO…

But yeaH!! Please tell ur friend I’m really proud of them,and give them all the support and love you can because it’s one of the bestthings you can give them

[wdfa]

coming back from winter break like HELLO NAUGHTY CHILDREN ITS RELAPSE TIME

warning for... um. lots of stuff. a loooot of self hate/negative self talk. internalized transphobia/cissexism. discussions of sexual experiences (not in detail). menstruation mention. depression and symptoms.

im struggling so hard rn ugh so many Symptoms.. especially with feelings of worthlessness!!!!!!! like i just feel like im annoying ppl with just my existence!!!! UGH like i know it’s irrational bc so many ppl love and care about me and they have voiced these facts as well as affirmed them through actions! and they continue to do so! it kinda has a lot to do with my dysphoria? im not sure how to like. explain it??? because there is Context.

last saturday my frat had a brothers-only party and it was fun and cute and i had Such a Good Time because i love my brothers! some alumni came too like i got to see my grandbig again and my 2 adopted grandbigs LMAO... one is dating my gbig so she’s step-gbig i guess not adopted? but the other one is in my family line, and he has 2 “real” grandlittles but he adopted me and one of my fifth (?) cousins. ANYWAYS it was really tender because that literally happened that night, he said “as far as im concerned, i have 4 grandlittles... plates, kali, billy, and u” and im not kidding i almost cried it touched my salty ass heart. and that was pretty much the theme of the night, just me loving on everyone and everyone loving on me! 

i was kind of worried about that tbh because i was wearing one of those douchey ridiculously large arm-hole tshirts and my scars were pretty visible,,,, but like everyone was really cool about them like i got some compliments actually haha mostly they were just like “aw im so happy for u/proud of u” but one of my older bros (who happens to also be a bass!!) said smth like “yo those are really cool thats so hardcore!” which pleasantly surprised me because he’s a very aloof and sarcastic kind of person, so getting something genuine was really neat. and so much good happened that night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was great!!!!!!!!!! but also like. ugh. i guess more context needed. 

in my pledge class of 7 only 2 of us were virgins and im one of them. like ive literally never had any Sexual experience, and it was always because i was never comfortable enough with my own body due to dysphoria. even when u get past that my high school was fucking tiny so who was going to love my fat trans ass 8^) and my pbro’s situation was a little different, but he’s gay and his high school was similar so he never had the option to explore anything either. and we were like. together on that u know? i had kind of accepted that it wasnt realistic for me to want things like that, and while that realization hurt, i knew that i had someone in the same boat. but then he goes and loses his virginity!!!!! and this is where i get MESSY LMAO IM NOT READY FOR THIS BUT HERE GOES

first of all i want to say that i am 100% happy for him because he’s my friend i will support him until the end of time and he told us it was important for him finally being able to celebrate himself and grow up and operate with sexual/personal autonomy and live his own DAMN LIFE and im so so SO proud of him for that!! and i HATE myself so FUCKING MUCH for being selfish and feeling this way and taking something so important to someone i love and making it about myself, but. now its like im left behind. i hate this feeling so fucking much i hate being left behind/forgotten about/ignored/excluded from anything and everything. and now this is something that everyone has gone through but me. and it fucking sucks even more because i know the main reason that i havent done this is because im trans!!!! like i didnt ask to be this way!!!!!!!! trust me! its so fucking difficult!!!!!!!! i hate being different sometimes, i literally just want to be like everyone else, i want to be fucking normal for once. like i know that ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist but im tired of having to struggle through things that other people dont. and ive really just been dwelling on this and extrapolating like “welp no one will ever wanna hook up with me or date me or love me and im gonna die alone like the piece of shit i am” and it’s just opened up soooooo many Bad Feels that i either havent thought about before or did a really good job at repressing! literally just shitty Dysphoria garbage!!! 

and now its like. “ok well u dont want to be a virgin anymore then go out and have sex” WELP it doesnt really work that way!!! i’m very masculine in appearance (or at least i try to be) and the people who are attracted to me expect me to be a Cis Male, because unfortunately we assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise. bottom line is theyre gonna expect me to have a dick! but i dont! what happens when im into someone and theyre not aware of this fact? what if we Get Going and start Doing the Do but theyre like EW GROSS DIE??????? i just keep thinking about this!!!!!!!!! its in my head and i cant get it out!!!!!!!!!! like i Did Not go to bed on sunday night because i just keep dwelling!!!! i went to therapy on tuesday and told all this to my psychologist and usually that gets it out of my system but no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s usually really helpful because she approaches things logically rather than emotionally but that didnt work in this case i guess!!

i told my pbros about some of these feelings and they said the shit your friends are supposed to say to make u feel better and it was reassuring that they loved me at the time but like. i guess it didnt stick lol because im still convinced that im unlovable even though mccoy sat on my lap half the night and david let me casually touch him (he does not like physicality so that was kind of a Bigger deal) and ben laid on top of us and we were all so tender but i literally cant translate that into permanence i guess!!!!! but also bad things happened at meeting that kind of validated my fears bc me n a few bros were talking, i think it was me and a gay guy and a girl who thought she was straight but shes questioning if shes bi and i cant remember who else because i was Turnt but these two were like the main source of conversation. the guy was like “im definitely gay like i know i dont like girls because vaginas are just gross” and the girl was like “yeah i dont know, im attracted to hot girls but idk if i could ever fuck w/ a girl because ew vagina” LIKE im.... ... standing............ right .... here...................... and i said something! like “thats transphobic not everyone w a vagina is a girl” and i cant remember exactly but they totally like. brushed me off. i initially have all of these doubts, then my bros are like “yooo that’s irrational, everyone loves u” which makes me feel better and kind of makes the doubts get less awful BUT THEN this happens and we’re back to square one SO.

it doesnt help that i fucking started my period on monday. i havent had it in over a year. but i had to skip a dose of T before my surgery and my ADHD ass forgets everything so i ended up skipping like 3 so apparently this is what happens when you stop taking it :) im really hoping that this is the reason im so emo about everything right now UGH.

all of these feelings are just taking such a toll on me its like im weighed down,,, i was supposed to do some studying today and take some notes but instead i stayed in bed and played games on my phone lol!!!!!! i didnt even do anything fun!!!!!!!!!! and now im alone on a friday night doing NOTHING just like i did fucking NOTHING all day today!!

what sucks about this is that im alone because i feel sad.... but being alone makes me feel even MORE sad........... like im happy when im with my friends, im happy when im with my brothers, im happy when im at the house! but for some reason i cant just text a bro at random whenever im feeling down. like if i did, i know that no matter who it was theyd give me the support i need/the support id get at the house with everyone there. but i cant make that move, i cant take that risk, because i must Avoid.... like i know talking to ppl and being around them makes me happier, and i know if i did gather the ‘courage’ or w/e to do that then the odds of getting a positive response would be 99% but i just. Cannot initiate. because that 1% chance of rejection is just too much. im terrified of it. even if i did take that chance i dont even know what i’d say??? “hey lol im kinda craving death because im a worthless abomination haha wyd” ????? im still not comfortable w talking about being trans. like i am a bit but only with certain people. definitely not with the brotherhood. maybe my big? but she just got a new girlfriend so i dont want to bother her. honestly i dont want to bother anybody!!!!!!!!!! which is Wrong because i tell ppl all the time that their emotions are valid and theyre not bothering people who care but HERE WE FUCKING ARE KIDS!

ok i think im done now i just. really had to get that out. replies and likes and asks are welcome but the other thing is not allowed. the thing with two arrows that kind of go in a circle. none of that.