#but who cares Im so happy rn!!!!!
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I JUST READ A FIC WHERE MY FAVORITE SHIP WAS KINDA IMPLIED I'M OVER THE MOON
#the dog barks#it came completly out of nowhere so Im so incredibly happy about it#it could maybe end in heartbreak for me because that ship/two of the characters were nowhere in the tags?#yup!!!#but who cares Im so happy rn!!!!!#ALSO YOU GUYS DONT UNDERSTAND THE ONLY GOOD FICS WHERE THIS SHIP EVEN EXISTS ITS WHEN ITS BARELY IMPLIED#(romantically)#(i can kinda find it more easily when its platonic)#but its so rare specially now a days#*cough cough*#p*** d***#*cough*
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been on an oc redesign kick. this is incomprehensible to anyone but me and like 2 other people probably. hi tim if ur reading this
#im not entirely happy with kaori still but im glad i got everyone's different ears down finally. AND THEIR HAIR. god their hair#im really reallyyyy pleased with dallas though hes so cutie#moor's edge#<- oc tag for these freaks#june and vera are both trans in the way that yea they probably have something going w their genders but theyre at work so they dont care rn#can call them he or she respectively but they wont correct u if u call them anything else#character design#illustration#ocs#sketches#my art#2024#i always feel a bit dumb posting oc stuff cause its like. who cares. but then i remember this blog is just meant to be an archive for me#i also feel like kaori has more going on than just being bi but she hasnt been in my mind's rock tumbler long enough to figure that out#ill let her cook for a bit longer#none of my guys are cishet though thats all i know
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wtf my son is dead
#wtf 😭😭#<says girl who has said multiple times that he would be okay with kenji coming back to die just so that the fandom would talk abt him more#tbf i dont think any of these deaths are permanent#also i havent read a translated version of the ch. i was just looking at the pictures of the raws w/out context#anyway lucy and kyouka are back !!!!#yayyy !!!!#“junichiro also died” i literally do not care#okay i do but not that much#im sorry i know he's an interesting and kinda underrated character but im not gonna help him become properly rated#most i care abt is whether junichiro had a drop item#i dont remember well rn but i think teruko had her uniform and kunikida had his notebook of ideals#did junichiro drop anything??#that we can see??#those two having drop items that are important to them is part of why i think theyll come back (other than this being bsd)#(and we also probably arent actually killing half the cast in one swing)#i didnt see kenji drop smthn either but im not super focused on him for this#i think it might just be we didnt see either of their item drops#but if it was just junichiro who didnt drop anything...#idk#i just rlly like the theory that he's an illusion naomi made#but since idk if kenji dropped anything this isnt any sort of evidence anyway#anyway kenji went out cool and i love him and im happy he's back in view of the fandom !!#“____ will live” ppl are strange to me bcos why do you treat it as you being insane for saying that when they literally will#if kenji is actually permanently dead im gonna look back at this in horror#but he isnt anyway#not in a denial way. that's not denial that's just the truth and ppl who think it's denial have been reading a different bsd than i have#anyway. yay❤️#my boy finally woke up !!#!!!#bsd kenji
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not to be a milennial but harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban really is that bitch....
#mom wanted to rewatch the movies so we've been going thru them <3#talk about a movie thats just like. grief. i turn into the jamie lee curtis halloween trauma supercut#SORRY..... the visuals are peak like that IS the hp vibe to ME and i am BLOWN AWAY this movie was made in 2004 it feels ahead of its time#the first two are so whimsical and magical enrapturing and this movie is like. a well worn cardigan. this feels 2011 cozycore to me#sorry but the introduction of lupin becoming a comforting trusted guardian type of figure AND the dementors representing hollow depression#this 13 yr old whos been kept in the dark on so many things being extra vulnerable prey to them bc of the severe trauma#but getting lessons on how to withstand that creeping dread.. through happy memories... still bonding w lupin increasngly ouagh...#the grief between them both over james and lily. also btw ofc defense against the dark arts being fighting yr fears through laughter. aaaaaa#and then sirius. black. im. i know we meme on the twelve years of it! in azkaban! but as a bitch whos now closer to those characters in age#and can appreciate and understand them obv more than i could when i was. a tween. that just hits like ok shit. VALID#so valid and real to see the child of your friends you knew at that age but who DIED and then see the friend who betrayed them#to see like the best of BOTH of them mirrored and living on in him and be like yknow what???? you WILL be protected frm that same fate#hoooo the briefest moment where harry might hope things will turn out okay. w sirius' name being cleared and peter having to explain himself#and sirius being like hey i get it if you want to stay w your family that is fine but. if you wanna move in w me...#(harry relaying this to hermione later as well. dreaming of a place fr just the two of them somewhere in the countryside#somewhere..... sirius might see the sky..... bc he thinks he would like that after all those years locked up do not even touch me rn.......)#only fr everything to turn to shit two friends fighting w deadly force. the chance to set this right slipping off into the night.#a million dementors descending relentlessly until utter exhaustion and certain death. some strange salvation? fight for a second chance?#but then still havign to say goodbye when they only just GOT this. and everything still being so. god. and lupin having to leave as well.#the thought of sirius also WANTING that guardian type connection but being forced to live in 1. a cave barely living more freely than before#2. then being confined to the stuffy somber abusive home he ran away from as a teen w that portrait still up there and everything.. bitch...#oh man the way i KNOW when we get to ootp (my favourite) its gonna leave me blasted into a million little pieces#the way i know shit like the knowing wink the entirety of the wall tapestry room scene and of course nice one james is gonna DESTROY me..#dont even talk to me abt that dark turn at the end of gof and how everything after gets soooo. god. w everything just getting destroyed and.#i cant even think abt it i cant even talk about it. wah#i dont care btw that they aged those guys up undermining how insanely young these people died. perfect casting fr the remaining marauders ok
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KJBJBJADBJADBJADBJADBJKADBJADBJKDBJKABJKADBJKADBJDBJAKADBJK😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
#stardust speaking !#SAKUCHAAAAAANNNNNNNNN....................................ON THEIR SHOULDER......................MY HEART ACHES#the tiny akiras on the banner im gonna collapse#happy birthday mahoyaku my beloved my beloathed my everything my 'surely ill catch up this week' my heartache my going on a walk cuz i had#to read a thought so personal i need to care for it in my heart#(guy whos spoiled by gbfs constantly drawing djeets&gran) why didnt they draw new akira art#GAHHH IM STILL SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY ABOUT AKIRA GETTING ART LIKE THIS...T_T THE VISUAL WITHT HEM....(TEARS)#my wizards.........#i did not realize they were gonna release the image songs FOR THE ANNI 5 new mili songs this is too much#im way too tired rn today has been A Lot. give me a bit before i properly listen to them..
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your blog has made me so much more competent with zelda lore
my greatest accomplishments with this blog have been making people play the games and making people Understand the games. i want more crazy people in the world so i dont look as insane
#dr doofenshmirtz ass plot. if i make more people crazy i will look less crazy by comparison.#fr tho GOOD. im happy to be of service#i think the reason a lot of the fandom is Like That is because the lore is so inaccessible that most fans dont care to learn or analyze it#which is totally fair! and thats partially why as someone who ENJOYS learning and analyzing it i like to talk about it!!#because lore SHOULDNT be hard to access and understand and fans SHOULD understand the themes and messages of the media they consume!#if i can explain it to people maybe it'll seem a little less daunting or maybe i just get to talk about it. either way it works out for me#because i fucking love talking and shutting the fuck up is my mortal enemy#asks#anyway. im in the middle of a fucking totk story quest rn. time to figure this shit out
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ok but like. is there going to be a ryuseitai event that addresses chiaki and the way he puts all the burdens onto himself and would rather people hit him when they're angry or like. am i just goin gto have to lay awake at night thinking about this until the end of time
#enstars#chiaki morisawa#^ thinking about the supervillain prologue again#genuinely its so. i love chiaki. really i do. but also. gah. gahhhhhhh#no wonder the ryuseijuniors were fucking sick of him im sick of him rn and i dont even see him every day#happy late birthday chiaki btw. i wish i could punch him about it but it probs wouldnt do anything#and like its not like the story hasnt 'addressed' it its just. when will it get through that fucking idiots thick skull that the people who#-care about him dont want him to do that?? augh. fuck. i need to reread more ryuseitai stories
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that feeling of coming home from a loud ass party and suddenyl the ringing in ur ears is cartoonishy loud amd oh my god am i dying? but ur too blissed out to care
#its been so long since ive had a chance to actually get properly hammered im so happy rn :3#gpnna thrpw up a storm tmr but who the freak cares!!!!#life updates#☆abt me#💌
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God I wish I didnt get ostrasised by all but like 4 of my peers because holyfucking shit am I overworked and need a hug
#why cant everyone just be nice like for fucking real!!!!#so sick and tired of looking like Mother Theresa compared to my coworkers bc i do the bare minimum of making the residents feel cared for#like girl we are working with the same cast and crew#will never forget the time a cna came in and after telling them 'hey that guy will get seizures if you give em that' and they replied with#'well they get seizures regardless' AND LEFT#EVIL!!!!!!#andlike#i understand that not everyone has the same memory capacity/ability but oh my motherfucking god#if everyone around me is at baseline then i must be either God or the absolute perfect person#which is saying something bc ive genuinely killed quite a few braincells with my former [redacted] addiction but here i am#knowing the smallest things about everyone that makes em happy#and the thing is is that I WORK IN THE KITCHEN!!!#IM NOT A CNA/RN WHO AT ALL HOURS OF THEIR SHIFT WILL BE INTERACTING WITH THE RESIDENTS!!!#idk man if i were generally mentally n physically well in my 30+s AND gettin outshined by a 21 year old for the past 2 yrs id be embarrasse#cannot fucking wait for my mom to get a job so i can leave mine and take a break#tony speaks#and before anyone says 'the CNAs are overworked and some of the residents can be overwhelming!'#the residents know im nice so they come to me for fucking EVERYTHING!!!!#ESPECIALLY the overbearing ones!!!#AND ON TOP OF THAT I HAVE LITERALLY EVERYONE. STAFF AND RESIDENTS.#ASKING ME WHATS GOING ON WHEN IM BALLS DEEP IN THE AM AIDES BULLSHIT ON TOP OF THE MORNING COOKS#not only do i ghostrun the kitchen but im the guy everyone goes to for everything. regardless of department#im literally a kitchen aide with no further qualifications leave me the fuck alone and ask your superiors/managament FUCK!!!!!!!!
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I switched to buying the happy egg brand recently bc I know chickens are the most abused farm animal and I figured paying a couple extra bucks for some of them to have at least a marginally better life was a fair trade off, and I've been really happy with it. Today when I went to boil some eggs for breakfast I found that the two eggs I picked out were different sizes and for some reason that was so charming to me. Like... It makes it feel more real. These are real eggs that come from real chickens who have a somewhat decent quality of life. Hens naturally lay eggs of different sizes, and I feel like it's probably a good sign that an "imperfection" like that was allowed to exist rather than the company being set up in a way where hens are just made to keep pumping out eggs until they can replace all the natural variation with "perfect" ones
#rambling#and like i know happy egg still isnt perfect. no factory farm is. and i know there are other farms with even better qol for their chickens#but happy egg is the most ethical option sold in my area#and if the options are between 'chickens roaming free in areas with at least limited access to outside spaces#in a company that has built their whole image around caring for their wellbeing so their reputation is tied to how well they treat them'#or 'chickens spending their entire lives in indoor cages too small to stand up or turn around in—possibly painfully mutilated—#at a company with absolutely no transparency about the welfare of their animals who doesnt even bother to pretend they arent abusive'#...yeah ill spend like $1-2 extra for the first one#ideally i would love to start getting eggs from local chickens if i could reliably find a source#and end goal i would LOVE to have pet chickens and my own eggs so i dont need to worry about it at all anymore#(my gf and i both come from rural families who had pet chickens)#but uh. i live in an apartment rn lol. so im taking smaller steps where i can
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The Fernweh Saga by @lacunafiction - Agnes edition
Who would have thought? 🤭
Agnes "Nes" Sigrún 🌑RO: James Corvin
Personality: sincerity // cautious // friendly // merciful Traits: heart // compliance // believer Past affinity: writing [horror stories] Primary ability: empathetic impressions Past susceptibility: receptive
☀️Fernweh: She never really thought about leaving Fernweh… It was her place, near her family and friend(s). She felt good there and assumed she’s gonna spend her whole life happily in this little town. Even if Fernweh brings back devastating memories, she’s curious about what’s happening in Fernweh now, in her true home. It’s always been her dream to work in Turn The Page, and during her ‘short’ stay in Fernweh, she started thinking about it again. Why not stay for longer…? She would love to carry on her grandfather’s work and bring his legacy justice.
☀️Grandpa Jóhann: When she was young, she had an amazing relationship with her grandpa. They were completely honest with each other, and she loved him wholeheartedly. Some people thought that making her grandpa proud was her main hobby. She used to tell him all about her dreams that she had, which were always wild... and also about the nightmares… It took her by surprise when her grandpa, one of the most important people in her life, started being less involved. She was hurt and began to wonder if she had done something to cause the distance between them. His decision to move her out of Fernweh so quickly after this tragic event made a huge impact on her mental state. She needed time to cope and be with her closest ones, especially her grandpa...but after all she didn't blame him. She often heard that she looked exactly like her mother…like her grandpa's daughter... She assumed he could not look at her, without thinking about her... And she could not blame him for wanting to escape that pain. Agnes knew it was the best thing that her grandpa could do for him, and she accepted it, too eagerly. She always too eagerly took the blame for everything.
☀️Beckett Warrick: After what happened in Fernweh after James she had even more trouble interacting with other people and making new friends… However, Beckett was an exception. He was the first person who got to truly know her after the events in Fernweh. When she got the letter about her Grandpa, she considered hiding the truth from him, because she knew deep down that he would be there for her if she needed him… even if he would not particularly enjoy it. It's a good thing she’s such a bad liar… Her main concern is about Beckett’s well-being. She noticed that this 'little' trip made a huge impact on him. He wasn’t supposed to be here, and it’s because of her that he–... She needs to make sure that nothing happens to her friend. And she will somehow manage to bring him back to his home.
☀️Reese Verner: They had an unconventional relationship. Reese saw her as a rival, while Agnes thought of him as a friend. She was confused about why Verner, someone of great importance, would even look at her see her as a rival. She knew there were better candidates for his games. She had only one question on her mind - “why?”. Despite Verner's playful teasing, Agnes always remained polite and friendly towards him, even when he attempted to push her boundaries. Girl knew how to keep her true feelings behind a warm smile she still does. If I can be completely honest… Agnes was rather shocked that Reese still remembered her… and was actually looking for her, which sounded so unbelievably. His concern for Milton's well-being made her see him in a slightly different light. Of course, she already knew Reese had a good heart, but his behaviour really touched her. Additionally, Agnes noticed that Reese and James’ relationship became stronger and deeper… It’s for the best. James deserves someone as dependable as Reese. He will always be there for James.
☀️Sofia Dorran: Their bond was formed over a shared admiration for books and... the color blue. It may sound funny now, but these things became central to their lives and deepened their friendship. Sofia was the first person Agnes entrusted with her writing, and valued her honest feedback, knowing that Sofia would not make her feel bad if something needed improvement. They frequently borrowed books from each other's collections. Agnes yearned for the days when she and Sofia had reading sessions together, sipping on their favorite beverage. The only issue back then was when the book ended poorly or their library didn't have any new positions for them to read. She's willing to know how Sofia's taste toward books shifted (if shifted) and how she changed as a person. She's also extremely grateful because her grandfather received constant care from Sofia and her mother.
🌑James Corvin: …Do I really need to tell you that James was her first crush? And that she never found the courage to tell him so? maybe now will be the time? Agnes and James were always together, wherever one went the other followed. They were inseparable. Agnes even used to bake oatmeal cookies for James with her mother's help. They dreamed of their idyllic life together. As friends, obviously. Seeing him again after all those years was much harder than she anticipated. Agnes felt overwhelmed with stress from the moment she stepped out of her car. Every time she heard his surname, she unknowingly flinched. Her mind was full of questions about his well-being, life, and changes. She couldn't help but wonder if he would be happy to see her. …she did manage to hold his hand for a moment, I can consider it as a success
☀️Alex Corvin: Agnes has always looked up to Alex for their adventurous spirit and their willingness to embrace life to the fullest. She has always wanted to adopt a bit of Alex' wild side. Whenever they are around, boredom and dullness seem to disappear. They both share similar values and support each other's life goals. If I would say which person Agnes was the most willing to meet during her stay in Fernweh that would be Alex. She was confident in their friendliness towards everybody and was sure that their kindness had not wavered. Agnes was touched when she heard that Alex was looking after her grandfather's bookstore… It appears that Beckett has a new admirer, which Agnes wholeheartedly approves of.
☀️Mal: Agnes has a sense that Mal might be suspicious, but she is quite naive and doesn't believe that he could mean trouble. Although she is wary of him and finds him a little untrustworthy, Agnes believes in being kind to everyone, and she is willing to give Mal a chance, not judging him by her own impressions of him.
☀️Goldie: Agnes is grateful that her grandfather had a furry companion like Goldie, who probably managed to brighten his spirits. She fondly recalls how her grandfather would tell her stories when he once had a dog, when he was younger and how his eyes would light up with joy as he shared his story. Agnes is committed to taking excellent care of Goldie and ensuring her safety.
#don't get me started how she is BLAMING herself for the situation Beckett is rn. she needs to go back for her theraphy sesions right away#that's why she went with him into the woods looking for Milton and not James even so she wanted to spent every single second with him :sob:#she's conflicted. being with James is something that she dreamed of but in her opinion he deserves someone better //obviously//#...that's why she's cheering for James and Reese lol. Look she just wants James and Reese to be happy and she can see how those two care of#-each other. She's happy : )#she's an idiot 🙂#is there a potential happy ending for the three of them..? maybeeee. we'll see what the story will bring 👀#im totally confident that Sofia and Agnes had their own shared little library#Agnes wrote a poem for James when she was young but it wasn't really her forte. that's why she showed it to Sofia because she knew she will#-help her. //Agnes didn't want to tell for who it was but Sofia figured it out anyway. they both knew that the other knew but weren't-#-talking about it out loud. XD it was hilarious -- for me and I assume Sofia but Agnes was terrified. XDD//#....cough James never saw this poem anyway cough...#I have this headcanon that Agnes made up amazing horror stories that James was willing to hear (for a bunch of oatmeal cookies) when-#-they had a sleepover //those stories were from her nightmares but she never said that to James knowing he would only worry about her//#btw her parents called her 'little star' and James must have heard it and (maybe?) asked Sofia to make a necklace... Sun and Moon.#did you know that Agnes had her piece of the Sun as her necklace for the WHOLE TIME. but she hid it away under shirt... x"D she was looking#-if James had his Moon somewhere... but she did not see it. anyway she wears it always.#omg i finally made it. there's also one in my drafts nearly finished and three more to go. XD#sooo curious about book two <3#fernweh saga#my art?#Spotify#oc: agnes sigrun
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i fear i cannot mentally or emotionally handle being conscious much longer so im gonna take a melatonin and hope to god it works enough to make me pass out by 8:30 tbh
#i. have gone through the full spectrum of human emotions today methinks (not including joy or happiness or any of the like.. naturally)#i am so exhausted and feeling deeply deeply fucking hopeless#ive spent so much of my life feeling miserable and hopeless but holy fucking shit none of that even remotely came close to the amount#of sheer hopelessness and despair that im feeling today#gneuinely. at a loss for ways to make myself or anyone else feel better#like. well at least we're alive! bitch i dont think i want to be anymore. and furthermore for a LOT of people NOT FOR MUCH LONGER probably#at least we have friends/family/community! yes and that means i have that many more people to be absolutely terrified for on top of myself#we've been through this once we can do it again! I WANT MY LIFE TO BE ABOUT MORE THAN JUST GETTING THROUGH#JESUS CHRIST LIKE#by the time the next election comes i will be 27#meaning i will have spent the majority of my teens AND 20s fearing this stupid fucking man and his stupid fucking morally bankrupt follower#im so sick#im so tired#i have to stay alive but for what??? for climate change to make everything exponentially worse in the next 10-15 years??#for society and humanity as we know it to AT the very LEAST begin to collapse in front of my very eyes??#anyway.#like... i just...#thank god i have ppl in my life rn who care about me bc they are essentially singlehandedly keeping me alive at this point#at the end of all of it even though i can do this song and dance all day and be like "whats the point of living? why shouldnt i k myself#and the answer is that the people i love would be sad. the people i love love me too and they would never be the same.#and especially with how much a lot of them have done for me. i owe it to them to at least Try to give myself the best shot i can#us politics#election 2024#kamala harris#2024 election#uspol
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also 🥺🥺🥺 guess who’s bday it is today 🥺🥺🥺
#this is vee speaking#IM SORRY ITS JUST ANALOG ART I WAS BUSY AND I DONT HAVE A DRAWING SETUP RN LMAO#BUT HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRLIE 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷#SONIC TEAM HAS BEEN WORKING OVERTIME TO LOWKEY RETCON ALWAYS BEING LEFT BEHIND IN THE STORY#AND WHILE IM A LITTLE SAD TO SEE THAT SLOW BURN PLOT THREAD DIE IT JUST MEANS SHE GETS MORE TIME IN THE SPOTLIGHT#AND PROPERLY!!!!! SO HERES TO HAVING YOUR THEMES BLATANT FOR THOSE WHO CANT CARE TO SEE THEM#HERES TO FURTHER TOUCHING THE HEARTS OF OTHERS WITH MAGIC AND LOVE#AND BECOMING THE INDEPENDENT AND LOVELY LADY YOU WANT TO BE!!!!!!!!!!#HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷
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its been a billion years since I posted anything meaningful about mcga but I'm thinking about Alex helping Magnus with clothes.
I think Blitzen would love to help style Magnus, but I think he might accidentally end up being a bit overbearing, albeit with good intentions. He wants to help, but would probably end up tripping over his own fashion opinions more often than not, and Magnus would want to make his friend happy too much to actually voice his own opinions consistently. But Alex would understand that identity through fashion is something slow to be discovered on your own. It's not instant, it's a slow process of trying things and finding out what makes you feel good physically and emotionally. You can't pressure a person finding their own style, especially someone who's never had much room to do so and will likely feel guilty about making that room. She's gone through the process, and she'd probably be more than happy to help someone with it too.
I'm thinking about them going around to different stores and finding that Magnus likes second hand and low-end boutique stuff more than anything. Alex letting him onto her etsy account and buying his first piece of jewelry, taking him around to all of her favorite stores where she's greeted as a friend. Yeah, they could do all this in Valhalla, but where's the fun in that?
I think Magnus would like earth tones and dark, muted colors. He would avoid synthetic materials for their unnaturally soft textures and blue would make rare appearances. Alex would parade him around in his first pair of White Guy Khaki Shorts in five years, glowing with a silly sort of pride and Magnus feeling something kindle back to life in his chest at a growing collection or flannels, just like his mom. I'm imagining Magnus learning what it's like to live with his body, rather than despite it, and feel comfortable with himself in his surroundings for the first time since he was a little kid, taking a hike in the woods. And I'm thinking of Alex holding his hand the whole time.
#feeling sooooo sos normal rn#and i dont mean to make this post and trample the people who feel clothing has no bearing on their comfort or self perception#i just want to talk about how much it can mean to someone trying to find who they really are and come to terms with that person#and when i say style i dont mean aesthetic or fashion. i simply mean personal preferences for comfort and look (if that matters)#your personal style can literally be cheap graphic tees and basketball shorts and if that makes you happy then have fun!! live your truth!!#this is just me noting that magnus seems to almost intentionally avoid clothes except to mention discomfort and i think he should get a#happier relationship with his outer appearance than he has especially considering the royal fuckery thats happened with his bodily autonomy#and confidence within the context of the series#i might be crazy and projecting but i just want to give him something kind. as a treat.#and alex does seem to enjoy sharing her passions with those she cares about!! its quality time without any kind of social expectations#regarding the nature of their attachment. she can just spend time with someone she likes doing something she likes no strings attached.#im sure its qlso fun to gently heckle things throughout the process with someone whos gonna just nod along 💀#im thinking way too hard about this#but im gonna hit post and know. i am still thinking.#magnus chase#alex fierro#mcga#mcga headcannon#raspberry rambles
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anyways sry its not srs eventually ill get it together . and be a person again. one day
#its just like atm everything that i need is like . not possible. which is oartially my brain being like We have to do this before we this#which sometimes isnt true but sometimes is#like i cant get medicated again or back seeing a psych or back on t until i get a job again#but i cant get a job again utnil i get my ged <- partially untrue but ged would make it a lot easier#but i cant get my ged until i have a job bc it costs money <- if i asked my parents they would probably help me If they had money 2 spare#since like. yk. they want ne to be able to work again so i have money again and ill be another source of income and they care abt me also .#affirmations . ppl donot just see me as a piggy bank they do see me as a person im not judt someone to squeeze money out of thats not how#ppl view me and its fine its fine its fine its fine . it feels so stupid being scared abt that i feel like a rich person whos like She only#likes me for my money 😭 like stfuuu annoying ass. i just ummmm. have a massive fear of debt and like. ppl demanding money from me#unexpectedly or expecting i am going to give them money. not in like a Ohhh fucking ppl want me to donate not it at all im happy to donate#but in like. god this is dumb. eveeytime i got birthday or christmas money as a kid i had to give it to my parents so they could buy food or#gas or whatever. and it never got paid bsck and it felt like shit. but i couldnt ever say no bc then itd be My fault we didnt have food that#week . yk. my first paycheck i had to give it all to my mom for groceries and we got in a fight in the store bc she was like Ok im gonna go#buy pop and my dumbass got upset abt it bc like. my mom told me itd be Necessities nd like. yk. wtvr. it was fucking stupid my entire family#r caffeine addicts so pop is a necessity i was just. rly upset and it felt like my parents saw my money as just. theirs but they had to ask#abt it so i wouldnt get pissy. yk. and they ask me for money a lot usually for food and i dont mind but it like. idk im rly paranoid abt#being a provider and ive got a Lot of guilt abt like. anytime we dont have enough food it feels like my fault bc it was my fault when i wasa#kid if i didnt give up my christmas money for pizza. or whatever. idk its so dramatic like i didnt need the money i was 8 it was selfish of#me to wanna buy fucking. toys or whatever that wasnt more important than My parents being able to get to work or my siblings being able to#fucking. literally eat. or paying bills. like its selfish that im like wahhh wahhh but i wanted to buy vibeo game wif my bday money i#shouldve judt been fucking grateful i was able to help my family. wtvr. I hate connor. wtvr#n then the shit with ugh last year like. yk. and stuff. and then the them stealing 1000 from me not getting into it b4 i get mad. idk.#and im just lazy now i need to get a job again but all the shit like. as i was saying earlier b4 i started whining. idk. i should be happy#that i get to help w bills and stuff that was my dream as a kid#like ever since i was 5 when i was fantasizing abt my future i was like Im gonna marry a prince and then ill be able to afford to pay all of#my families bills and my parents and siblings will be able to go to college and be happy and maybe never have to work bc ill be able to#handle it and ive always like. yk. when i was a dumbass kid i was like Ill go to college so i can get a good job and be useful. of course i#cant ever go to college bc im fucking. useless. and itd just be another burden on my family if i was in debt bc i couldnt help them as much#if i had debt and itd be selfish. and it doesnt matter bc im too stupid to go to college anyway. idk. i wish i could just fix everything#it just feels awful rn im literally just a drain and my family doesnt say it to me yk like. ik theyre happy imback i think they are
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cleaned and cleaned and cleaned and napped and cooked and cleaned some more and then worked out and now!! now i get to go take a bubble bath!! and watched indigo league!! and turn into soup!!
#🍊.txt#REWARDS ✨✨✨#also my coworker helped me figure out the wages for bank shifts??#bank shifts = overtime at work#so i can get paid INSTANTLY instead of waiting for like#a week to two weeks#and i have two bank shifts this month so im pumped#am i happy to be working two extra shifts on my crazy ass ward??#no im gonna get my ass handed to me two more times than usual#BUT EXTRA CASH TO SUPPORT MYSELF?? thank u i'll take it#and the system you get paid through has an option to put some aside for savings so i did that#and can access it whenever i need so thats dope af#ahh sacrificing my mental and physical well being in the name of cash ✨✨✨#hopefully find out if i can move to another ward this week though#if not haha im so fucked i cannot manage heavy ass stroke patients who are also aggressive and focus care#we have a patient like that rn and he takes 3 to 4 people to do a single pad change#and he punches like hes throwing cement at you#tough af my dudes im tired
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