#but now im pushing throw
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i love jumin
#my humour is so broken i actually laughed too 😭#i haveny even thought of TOUCHING vs route in years#i was going to go through it and get calls and all that and then saerans after end came out#that in addition to it is already painful due to everything that happens to ray#bro i couldn't do it#but now im pushing throw#through ***#ahhdjsjdslld
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double trouble
#detroit become human#rk1700#the boys....baby boys....woobies...#listen i just think nines would have such an overprotective streak for connor..#he protecc and he want to attacc. connor will teach him well#my favourite headcanon is nines quietly admiring the hell out of connor and learning from him and his mistakes as well#choosing the most optimal way to exist within society. hes so impressed with connor who is bumbling terribly but doing his best#connor has the experience and higher social relations but nines is much quicker to catch on#they both admire each other and are pushed forward by each others existance and improvement#ive seen a few fanfics where they have that dynamic and its my favourite#they work so sweetly in a brotherly bond it warms my heart (though i am a shameless rk1700 enjoyer)#anyway thats enough rambling#i wish there was a dbh fandom still#im just throwing up doodles now with no thought of making any solid pieces yet#my art#dbh#rk900#connor detroit become human#also i know theres zero consistency with the art style and keeping them looking the same but fuck that i dont have the patience rn#also also lmao i just noticed but the top one looks like hes trying to kiss connor but no that was a continuation of bottom left sjdjfjdj#feel free to interpret it any way yoy want hajdjfjfjd
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WHY DID I JUST THROW MY FUCKING AIRPODS BEHIND MY DESK
#for one thing i took out marty byrde in the process#AND IDK HOW IM GONNA GET THEM BSCK#LIKE. MY DESK IS UNDER MY LOFT BED WHICH IS PUSHED UP AGAINST A WALL#I CANT JUST PULL OUT EITHER OF THEM WITHOUT LIKE SCRATCHING UP THE FLOORS OR SOMETHING PROBABLY#for some reason i was trying to throw them just onto the desk. instead of getting out of bed like a normal person and setting them there#and they just knocked marty over and fell behind it#good job aylo#this is a tomorrow aylo’s problem now#aylo talks#mine
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me, stupidly and weirdly resistant to listening to audio books vs reading a physical book for no real reason: man i wish there was a way to like, read a book while i crochet like i do with tv shows and movies and podcasts
#toy txt post#my reasons are irrational you dont need to try to talk me into it. i KNOW#its very silly of me#imagine how much reading i could get done. but alas. Feels Bad#even listening to a more. uh. Story type podcast or fiction like nightvale was a bit difficult to start for me. i like nightvale now i#listened. but i worry that is clocking in my brain as an Exception 😔 maybe it would be easier if i tried some nonfiction books? scary#i also struggle with single host podcasts apparently even tho im also ehhhh on the kind where the structure is the host Interviewing a#different person everytime? maybe it would be okay with a nonfiction audiobook tho cos it would be getting read by a narrator and not sound#so much like a guy ranting into a mic which makes me feel a little insane. altho propaganda doesnt necessarily always sound like a guy#ranting into a mic so idk. i could probably make it through if i can find a nice book about like. parasitic worms. i could tolerate#feeling like im falling into sigma male affirmations videos for worms i think. wormffirmations are allowed#*to clarify i dont listen to those but listening to better offline makes me feel like im morphing into the kinda guy who does and i hate it#which feels unfair cos he is RIGHT and the podcast is good but i need there to be like a cohost there to break the tension of the Ranting#sometimes he has guests on? but its not quite the same#i think the format i like best is either like 2 or 3 regular cohosts discussing things within a specific topic#OR. 1 host whos like infodumping to the other host who knows nothing about the subject. OR. 2 hosts info dumping to each other about#different aspects of the subject. OR. 1 host who brings on fun guests to infodump to them about a subject. and then obviously the subject#needs to intrigue me. ex. sawbones well theres your problem (I HATE THAT THIS ONE IS BEST EXPERIENCED ON YOUTUBE😭 I WANT THEM TO JUST DUMP#ALL THE SLIDES INTO A BIG BLOG POST SOMEWHERE AND I CAN CHECK IN AND FOLLOW ALONG THAT WAY WITHOUT HAVING TO HAVE MY PHONE SCREEN ON THE#WHOLE TIME!!!!!!!!! but. im listening for free so its unreasonable to demand more of them BUT ALSO I FEEL LIKE JUST COPYPASTING ALL OF THE#SLIDES INTO A BIG BLOG POST ISNT THAT MUCH MORE EFFORT THAN EDITING A WHOLE YOUTUBE VIDEO? WAAAAAH. THEY DONT NEED TO BE TIMESTAMPED OR#ANYTHING JUST THROW EM IN ILL FIGURE IT OUTTTTTT#anyway. also more than 3 hosts is really pushing my ability to keep track of voices.#anyway: sawbones wtyp tpwky behind the bastards scam goddess#(which is true crime adjacent but focuses mainly on scams and isnt copaganda and laci is funny and cool)#common descent pod completely arbortrary maintenance phase if books could kill#deep sea podcast has more bringing ppl in to interview them about shit than i personally enjoy but i put up with it cos i do like the hosts#and the subject
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I got into the two schools I wanted and now I have to make a choice within the next 2hr30 min
#IM GONNA THROW UP#pro: I wanted the music one rly bad and now I finally got it and have a chance to at least try being an artist& give myself an actual chan#*chance#con: it’s part time and I still have to get a job which is fine but the program is only one semester and I’ll be done by Christmas#pro 2: the other school is super high valued and typically hard to get into (it felt easy to me) and is over a year long and sets u up with#an internship at the end#con 2: it’s not my passion and I’m worried I’ll get bored with it after 4 months but have to push through & I actually want to enjoy school#this time around….
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(cw for a gun, mild blood and suicide in the last drawing.)
Day 1-5 of drawing Re:Kinder daily for a whole month! I'll be doing that all month. ☺️
I did not draw Re:Kinder enough (said both sarcastically and genuinely, because while I know the statement is ridiculous I also do believe it www), so I chose to challenge myself. I will post these every 5 days to not clog the tag too much.
#re:kinder#rekinder#fanart#hiroto yamakawa#rei suzumura#aya hibino#sayaka akatsuki#ryou shimoya#takumi katsuragi#shunsuke takano#yuuichi mizuoka#AND CHIE!!!!!! :3333#now... commentary...#for the first one i tried doing the proportions a bit more realistic than the chibi like ones i usually do !#although it comes with the worry they may seem like teens in contrast of how i generally draw them^^;... i hope they still look their age😢#second drawing is based on an idea from my sister that hiroto’s more responsible attitude comes from taking charge more than he should-#-due to his parents both being depressed. so i tried to express that idea somewhat... its more speculation than anything but still#third one is HORROR MOVIE TIME!!! this one was very funny to me because i dunno whos house theyre in but ryou looks right at home www#certainly not takumi's because that breaks the law children have of “its MY house so if i dont want to watch this movie we wont watch it”#fourth is SHUNSUKE VS THE SCHOOL TESTS!! based on him throwing out his school tests on the trash as mentioned once ingame.#in case it isnt clear the 12 is a 12 out of 100... im afraid i dont know how to make it clearer😓.#chie originally wasnt meant to be there but the compositions i came up with felt boring otherwise. so she was brought in to fill in the voi#final drawing is here to remind you this is a horror game about mentally ill children i am so sorry#im aware it is a bit jarring compared to all the (mostly) fluff but the rng said it was a yuu day he doesnt get any fluff#ah yes sorry spoilers he wont be getting any fluff there will not be a single drawing where he feels joy😭 i am sorry for this#this is because the ideas i never really got to draw (that are here) of him are the sad ones because i feel such a pity drawing him that wa#but i had to get to them eventually because i did want to draw it anyway but i was going to keep stalling them if i didnt do em here#so sorry no happy yuu the whole month😢#anyway i may redraw one of these later down the line (when its no longer august).#i do these with time limitations so i dont get to push them to bigger steps but if i feel one should get one i may redraw it LATERRR
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#might kms instead of going to the anime con tomorrow#there is literally no fucking end to my tears#shut up luci#delete later#i hate being alive i cant fucking do this anymore#my apaetment flooded and all my shit is ruined and my mom called me just to yell at me and i fucking dropped my grocerys so now theres glass#and juice and shit everywhere and i forgot like half the things on my list but the store just closed#plus im STILL fucking sick im still running a fever and throwing up but i keep it pushing but i only feel worse its been like a week#im not looking forward to my london trip anymore i literally have no joy left in me
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my birthday week is like a fight for my fucking life.
#like i dont like my birthday bc i dont like attention and also bc the fact i am still alive when i never planned to be is so heavy#which makes it feel like all of a sudden i have a timer and i need to kiilllmyself#but mostly. The biggest issue is i think of my exbest friend bc it was our week always even if they treated me horrible#and i would just go along with whatever they wanted even if i hated it and i just think about them think about them think about them#and i dont want them in my life but i will talk myself into missing them#and feel guilty like its my fault like i deserved everything they did to me like i should never be allowed to move past it#and then i get so embarassed over how i let them rule my life and ruin so much for me and made me break away from people i care about#but then its like im so lonely at least they were always there even if they hated me#even if they wanted me to be so miserable even if they just wanted to know they would always have someone to push around#And i still have trouble when it comes to food im still scared of opening up to people im still scared of my friends of buying new clothes#somehow everything they said to and about me was true even though none of it is and it hurt me and ruined so much#but i must have deserved it. they were supposed to know me best. and i never have known myself#so everything they had said about me has been true for so long.#every time i have the thought that i miss them i think i need to crash my car#every year it gets better every week it is easier but its been so bad recently its been so bad i feel like pieces of me are falling apart#i dont want to manifest this year it being bad bc its just starting to get easier after my total depressive state but god#im looking at are they made for me years ago and i want to rip it apart but i cant every time i try i almost throw up.#i think im going to throw up right now.#deeply pathetic.#news with isaac
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i dont wanna be a dick and act like i have no responsibility in this but after a point dont u think if all you ever say to ur friend is Omg you never make it out why dont you ever come out with us you bail all the time youre such a flake etc. dont u think that person (me) is like. not gonna feel so inclined to. be there
#like. yeah i was bad last semester i get it. and probably i shouldve tried at least once or twice to push thru#but i was so exhausted. and every time they would bring up hanging out it was on my longest days#and when i casually brought this up they were just like Well we have long days too. Okay!#and i love and miss these friends and i know for the most part. or at least think. theyre just teasing#i hate being seen as the flake like any time i do have to be like Oh i cant make that or Shit im sorry i have to bail#i try to offer an alternative???? and they never compromise on that. how is that fair like im not just outright rejecting u all the time#not to mention most of the time last semester it was always gonna be somewhere super easy for them to get home and far from me#im not like constantly holding this against them btw but i feel like they're holding it against me and i dont have any more apologies in me#anyway. that said. if theyre somewhere really expensive and far from me tn and i get out of work early#i. probably will not make it. lol! if theyd be willing to come a little closer to my place to one of the dives or some shit thatd be great#and like im not doing much today until class and work so really like. i WILL try. but i think they could sometimes not go for the most#expensive and inconvenient option as well. and these r all things ill say if it becomes like a problem problem or smth#but rn im not gonna be a dickhead and shit on their plans#but also! ok whatever im not gonna keep going on i just feel shitty im not 100% better from being sick and im just frustrated#about having to fuckign grovel over and over and over. i meant it the first few times now im just like#u could try not to be an asshole to me for five seconds too. like. i am very clearly not someone trying to secretly stop being friends#w yall. things happen#abby talks#and maybe this is an esp sore spot bc like ive certainly had some of you bail on me or be flaky or whatever before. and i didnt throw#a fucking fit to your face about it. probably bc it actually did feel more mean spirited sometimes#OK im sorry im not trying to make my friends sound evil and its mostly just the one and like im working on forgiving her for it cause it#was years ago but also like christ!
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I just love comics so much bc these are both the same character <3
#this post is supposed to just be about scrungly Floyd bs carved out of marble Floyd#but now im thinking about the text#and how in both he's defensive.. but in different ways#with Michelle he's making her angry on purpose so she stops trying to get him to stay (he's doing it for her and zoe's sake ofc)#vs with Amanda he's just throwing attitude around because he's bored/agitated#BUT BOTH OF THEM ARE HIMMMM#he is snarky and a shithead and he also pushes away everyone who loves him abd maybe sometimes the lines get crossed#don't mind me just losing my mind over a favorite character#the usual#keeping a mental note of all of this for writing later#floyd lawton#floyd fic#deadshot: bulletproof#suicide squad rebirth#vs vs vs but it's not.... it's AND#i think Secret Six Floyd is the PERFECTT combo of both of these
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🗯️
#it sucks so much too because...#we talked so often and then everyday for so long#then he just stopped#and he said that he had a tougher time replying#so ofc i didnt wanna push him and was ok with it being hard to reply#but it got less and less often#and it hurt me so bad to see how he hadnt messaged me in a week lol#so i didnt dare to check everyday (bc it actually made me legit depressed)#so we talked more and more rarely#but i always felt hope bc i thought i could count on that we would start talk more again#just that he doesnt feel well rn#but now when he hasnt even replied in almost one month#i know that we are not 'getting back from this'#we will never talk often again. and now idek if we will talk at all ever again bc he is giving me radio silence#last time he even sent me an anon message explaining a tiny bit etc etc#now it's just nothing at all.#all of this hurts so much#bc in the end i have to accept that he didnt find ME worthy to communicate with. he communicates with the girl he actually wants tho#bc i several times told him that i wanna ask him things not to judge but to understand him better#and that he can talk to me abt things bc i can take it#and that i want to be there for him!!!!#but still nothing.... he just pulled away further#and that just means that he didnt care enough abt our bond to even try to communicate with me#he just got into another girl and now all he cares abt is her#so... maybe ppl can communicate just not with me. bc im not worth it. easier to just throw me away
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hey if u like this i will send an ask or two ur way :)
#i don't have a tag for this but note to self: delete once completed.#anyways ... 🤠#i am pushing myself back into a bit of a routine so hihi :)#multis u don't have to specify unless there's one chara u rlly want me to throw something at 💕#i'll rb this for the evening crowd as well. im just posting now so i don't forget :')
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...
#what does one do when their perception cannot b trusted? im so physically and emotionally exhausted#and i can go from feeling hopelessly terminally bad to completely normal for no apparent reason. and on occasion i can go from normal to i#think i can stay up all night. i never have to sleep again. look how great i can focus. i could kill god.#and i have no emotional object permanence so it feels so stupid when im normal. i cant sympathize with myself in altered states of mind#and it doesnt matter but it makes me crazy the idea that i might not b bip0lar but i just push myself so far that under pressure my mind#splits into the catastrophically positive or negative. but i feel like this is how i have to live. i have to b perfect or pay a blood debt#and thats just how it is. and thats how its been. so at this point ive spend thr last idk 15 years of my life being d#some measure of miserable for no reason. i dont kno y i do this to myself and im 26 now and idk how to stop bc even pushing myself as hard#as i can im so far behind. how am i supposed to do less and not#and not just quit. im compulsive for a reason. there's a fundamental barrier between myself and understanding language but if i do more and#more and more then i can at least try to keep up with everyone else. idk im so tired. and im 26 and im afraid im stuck like this#and i cant even... its like ive split my head in 2 to cope. ive created distance within myself so that i cant fully feel how terrible i make#things for myself. half my brain is always like lol suffer idiot. it throws off my therapists bc i cant take my own pain seriously. ill#laugh and smile while im like yea i feel horrible like most of the time and i dont kno what to do lol. idk so it goes. i think im gonna stop#with the birth control tho. as it doesnt seem to help with my sadness levels. idk if ite making ot worse or not. guess well find out#itll b easier once i dont have to b trained on things. then i wont have to ask a question and burst into tears on my lab mate 🙄#unrelated
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It's fuckin wimdy
#im going to die about it tbh#i have to push the the second half of my 12 hour shift chilly and tired now im gonna kms fr#me when.#if we have to turn out horses tonight im gonna actually throw up
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"lets play doctor"
im throwing my character out the window so i can heal him with astarion until i get this line
#specifically throwing him out the window bc aint no way im taking astari0n out of the shadows in the high ground during combat 😭#i actually gave them the lovers rings i found 1. bc its cute and 2. hes always full health while my character has died 4 times in one fight#despite being in the backline ⚰️ so its a safety precaution should the need for the warding spell ever arise#i dont usually like health sacrifice in rpgs but its an emergency precaution#uhhh are there even healing scrolls? maybe if astari0n was an arcane trickster he would have a healing spell#but mine is a thief so obv he only has fireball#i just came from the gauntlet of shar to the tower so you know what that means. almost at the last act.#😭😭😭😭 im not ready to say goodbye to my character 💔💔💔#alsoooo i gave him balthazars circlet so now his fit is complete and looks great <3#omg that fight was too much if you talked to him (even tho it was rlly funny when my party kept getting pushed into the void lmao)#so i just cheesed it by sneak attacking him and using the silence spell my guy thankfully had
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do u ever isolate urself from ppl so much that when ur ready to stop isolating ur at that point too scared to just pop up like "hi sorry i didnt reply to u for 50 yrs" to 500 ppl who u didnt think even wanted to talk to u which is why u isolated in the first place . ..............
#maybe its just lil bpd thigns so they dont go first hehe but this makes them SCREAMS CRIES AND THROWS UP#asti.txt#im like why does no one care ???? someone: shows they cares me: okay but im gna push u away now </3
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