#but my mother is native american (i am her only white child) and she has been treated like jack SHIT. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

notyonatto · 3 months ago

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Thinking about the tags I left under the post on the Carlisle boarding school that stole Native youths. Both my grandmother and grandfather are mixed Native and Irish but have no language (Irish or their respective Native languages), no Native culture. My grandmother has some Native stories and some medicines, but that’s all. My grandfather has nothing. My grandmother’s mother was Eastern Band Cherokee, and and she was stolen as a child by the US government then sold off to a terrible drunkard Irish man three times her age. I remember her. I spent much time with her as a child. My grandfather believes his mother was from Blackfoot Nation, that’s what she always told him, but we have been struggling to figure out exactly which band and where she was originally from before she was stolen. I do not know as much much about her and am still trying to learn more.

Anyway, this post is mostly directed at white people with Native ancestors. My whole life, I have come across other white folks who proudly proclaim they’re partially Native. That’s fine, I am too. But that’s typically where it ends. It’s simply a fun fact. It’s simply something you cash in when trying to show off your unique ancestry to a group of people. But never is it a reflection on colonization. Never is it a reflection on why you have that ancestry. Do you not wonder? How come only a handful of your ancestors are Native? Have you truly investigated your ancestry, or are their lives and experiences simply fun party facts? If you loved your ancestors, you would learn about them. Honor them. Respect them. And part of that for me has always been to fight for the modern justice of Native peoples. I cannot change the past colonization in my ancestral line. I cannot go back in time and protect my great grandmothers. I cannot change the evil things that happened to them, but I can honor them and their legacies of loving their children, loving their grandchildren, of teaching me tenderness and joy when I was a little toddler forming my first memories. And I can honor the strength they must have had to find the space in their hearts to still be capable of tender love despite the suffering and loss and grief they endured. How does one honor that? For me, it is transforming that love into activism. Having those uncomfortable conversations with your family, with other white people. Standing up for injustice, educating yourself, donating to organizations that work to aid modern Native poverty, revitalize Native languages, celebrate and encourage Native art, and uplift Native youth. Uplifting Native voices while making sure not to speak over them.

I do not consider myself to be Native for a myriad of reasons. Phenotypically, I am white. I’m pale and overall look quite Irish American, down to a certain pudginess I’m sure my Irish ancestors are proud of-good for surviving those awful winters. Culturally, I was raised homeschooled in strict conservative Christianity (i do not associate with that religion). And in many ways, I honor my European ancestry- I celebrate Samhain and am pretty connected to Irish-Appalachian culture (fiddles and moonshine and “fuck corporations” type shit), I have many European family recipes from my mom’s side (entirely European American). But I would be utterly and sourly remiss to omit my Native ancestry. And while I struggle to ever consider myself partially Native (maybe if my grandparents were given the chance to learn their languages and cultures, I’d feel differently), I refuse to forget my great grandmothers and their siblings. After all, my first memory was in my mawmaw’s back yard in the mountains. She is my first memory. It was spring, and she had prepared a little Easter party. I found a painted egg, and she clapped and cheered for me, hugged me. My first memory on Earth is of her, and it is light, joy, and love. And I will honor her by transforming that love into activism. For everything she endured and everything her people continue to endure.

So I ask again to all my followers who are white but have some Native ancestry. Do you honor your ancestors, or are they just party facts?

#long post #i am still unlearning/learning a lot #i am still figuring out my place in this world and the best way to honor my ancestors #but im so tired of other white people using their native ancestors as props for conversation #i urge you to learn more about your ancestry. even if you have no native ancestry I urge you to learn more #and i urge you to begin to do the work of decolonization if you havent already begun #decolonization #you are on native land #land back #also this isnt an educational post. it’s just something raw from my soul

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lunarsilkscreen · 4 months ago

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I am also a Mutt.

This is a racial thing. Depending on who is looking at me, and their perception me; I look like different races.

This typically comes from the people who will say "I don't see color." And that's how I know that quote is bullshit.

I am white in the winter, and tan in the summer. So much so, my dad's friends gave him shit for paying child support to some milkman baby.

Despite having the same exact Tan *his sister* gets.

Some days I look like a tan dyke god(ess), and others; McLuvin from "SuperBad".

One year I came into school after summer break and I said high to one of my old teachers and they didn't recognize me. "I'm me!" I said my legal name; ohhh you sure got a tan, didn't you?

When I tan, I tan.

I have been confused for basically every brown race you can think of. Except Black. That I loose my tan when working night shift with no breaks for too long *really* confused some guys that though I was really [insert minority here].

And this is an issue; because while you assholes are focused on "BiPOC" {bi-racial people of color} there's people like me.

I'm often tempted to get an acrylic tattoo at the begining of summer so that the tan lines are extremely visible when the paint falls off.

But I never can seem to afford the time or money. Plus I think that'd probably be discouraged when I was in the military despite not *explicitly* being against the rules.

--Can some boot find out for me?

And this somehow feeds into my Fox News watching grandparent's world view. I think raciaphobia tied into it.

Despite my mother *also* tanning well on occasion.

This complexion isn't like vitiligo. Where some patches of skin don't tan, or don't have melanin.

My melanin stores solar power and turns pale in the winter in order to increase absorption of vitamin d and shit.

So if I'm pale AF; you know the depression is hitting extra hard at that time.

My other Grandfather told me one day; Were German/Jewish/French on this side of the family. My Dad says "That Italian is really showing through". But I don't know where he gets that from. Or if it's a real comment, or a racial one.

My Grandma name dropped "Black Foot Tribe" but she seems embarrassed to really let people know that it runs in the family.

Despite having a wall of Native American paraphernalia.

My mother and her mother can't really decide if we're Ukrainian or Palestinians. That's where *her* tan comes from.

And on top of all that my dad constantly jokes that I was "Made in Japan" because he was stationed there for a stretch. I forget which base exactly.

Too which some of my Asian friends comment "You seem to have a Japanese soul".

Which I don't know what that means, as my internal depiction is that of a white weaboo. (Japanese Anime Fanatic)

People can never seem to decide on *what* I am; as if it matters.

And *that* has had an impact on my life immeasurably. Not positively either.

Grandpa with his garage of vehicles who says out loud that I am a "dumbass" for having spent my money frivolously, despite only owning one car and only ever purchasing necessities.

Apparently; I just fooled the entire military for a decade and a half on my "fentanyl addiction".

He's the one on fentanyl, I read his labels. He is constantly in pain from bowling arm. Lucky asshole. While I get to suffer from having had a manual labor job.

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obligatorilypretentious · 3 years ago

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queer classic book recs!!

Image description under the cut! Please tell me if I did something wrong and I will gladly change it!

The other recs will be in the reblog!

[Each slide excluding the title screen includes 3 photos relating to the book, largely alternative covers of each in a small grid format.]

Slide One: In the center is a box with interior text reading "13 lgbtq classics and 1 “modern” classic. Recs in the comments welcome!" The top left corner includes an image of a calligraphy quill. Underneath this is text that reads "Disclaimer! The beginning of this list is.. Very White, but don't worry it gets more diverse as the books get more recent!!" In the top right corner is a text box reading "Look up trigger warnings or I’ll steal your gender! … or give it back!!" under this is a picture of an open book displayed in the foreground and another stack of books in the background.

Slide Two: Carmilla by J. Sheridan Le Fanu.

1872

Lesbian/wlw but written by a man

vampires!

“Following a near-fatal carriage collision, the beautiful young Carmilla is taken in by the narrator Laura and her father.”

While this book plays into the stereotype of the “monteress, seductive lesbian,” it is one of the oldest and most famous classical texts depicting a lesbian relationship. Toxic AF.

Slide Three: The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

1890

not explicitly queer (subtext)

but gay (mlm) tho

“Enthralled by his own exquisite portrait, Dorian Gray exchanges his soul for eternal youth and beauty. Influenced by his friend Lord Henry Wotton, he is drawn into a corrupt double life, indulging his desires in secret while remaining a gentleman in the eyes of polite society. Only his portrait bears the traces of his decadence.”

This book contains Anti-semitism, Racism, Sexism and is honestly a product of its time. Oscar Wilde is certainly a character.

Slide Four: Orlando by Virginia Woolf

1928

sapphic/gender exploration

“The novel opens as Orlando, a young nobleman in Elizabeth's England, awaits a visit from the Queen and traces his experience with first love as England under James I lies locked in the embrace of the Great Frost.”

Main Character is racist and anti-Semitic. While her writing is incredibly important and impactful as a queer figure, she will always be white before she is queer.

Slide Five: The Well of Loneliness by Radclyffe Hall

1928

lesbian/wlw

originally banned

“Stephen is an ideal child of aristocratic parents—a fencer, a horse rider, and a keen scholar. Stephen grows to be a war hero, a bestselling writer, and a loyal, protective lover. But Stephen is a woman, and her lovers are women. As her ambitions drive her, and society confines her, Stephen is forced into desperate actions.”

This book contains racism, use of the N-word, sexism, homophobia & lots of outdated ideas in general.

Slide Six: Giovanni's Room by James Baldwin

1956

gay/mlm

“In a 1950s Paris swarming with expatriates and characterized by dangerous liaisons and hidden violence, an American finds himself unable to repress his impulses, despite his determination to live the conventional life he envisions for himself. After meeting and proposing to a young woman, he falls into a lengthy affair with an Italian bartender and is confounded and tortured by his sexual identity as he oscillates between the two.”

OMG! A classic on this list in which I can't find any evidence of racism or antisemitism! /srs. Imagine that- it's almost like POC classical authors are important to teach about! /hj

Slide Seven: Maurice by E.M. Forster

1971

gay/mlm

fluffy, but homophobia exists in the story as well.

“Maurice is heartbroken over unrequited love, which opened his heart and mind to his own sexual identity. In order to be true to himself, he goes against the grain of society’s often unspoken rules of class, wealth, and politics.”

This book contains the use of the g slur. Please tell me if I missed something!

Slide Eight: HERmione by H.D.

1981

queer/sapphic woman author

poetry

so mf sad bro I mean look at that blurb

“An interior self-portrait of the poet H.D. (1886-1961) is what can best be described as a 'find', a posthumous treasure. ‘I am Hermione Gart, a failure' -she cried in her dementia, 'I am Her, Her, Her.”

To my knowledge, this book isn't problematic- please tell me if it is though!!

Slide Nine: Zami: A New Spelling of My Name by Audre Lorde

1982

lesbian/wlw

A staple of lesbian lit from before the peak of an activist’s career. Great read.

“From the author's vivid childhood memories in Harlem to her coming of age in the late 1950s, the nature of Audre Lorde's work is cyclical. It especially relates the linkage of women who have shaped her.”

Once again to my knowledge, this book isn't problematic

Slide Ten: The Color Purple by Alice Walker

1982

features queer women

has a movie adaptation!

“Separated as girls, sisters Celie and Nettie sustain their loyalty to and hope in each other across time, distance, and silence. Through a series of letters spanning twenty years, first from Celie to God, then the sisters to each other despite the unknown, the novel draws readers into its rich and memorable portrayals of Celie, Nettie, Shug Avery, and Sofia and their experience.”

Once again to my knowledge, this book isn't problematic

Slide Eleven: Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit by Jeanette Winterson

1985

lesbian/wlw

“This is the story of Jeanette, adopted and brought up by her mother as one of God's elect. Zealous and passionate, she seems destined for life as a missionary, but then she falls for one of her converts. At sixteen, Jeanette decides to leave the church, her home, and her family, for the young woman she loves. Innovative, punchy, and tender.”

Once again to my knowledge, this book isn't problematic- but warning, there are quite heavy themes!

Slide Twelve: Dykes to Watch Out For by Alison Bechdel

1986

lesbian/wlw

a classic comedy comic + a really good insight & look into lesbian culture

“Grin, giggle, and guffaw your way through this celebrated cartoonist's graphic commentary of contemporary lesbian life.”

Once again to my knowledge, this book isn't problematic*

*contains d-slur used by lesbians in a non-offensive way

Slide Thirteen: Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg

1993

lesbian/gender identity around lesbianism

“Woman or man? This internationally acclaimed novel looks at the world through the eyes of Jess Goldberg, a masculine girl growing up in the "Ozzie and Harriet" McCarthy era and coming out as a young butch lesbian in the pre-Stonewall gay drag bars of a blue-collar town. Stone Butch Blues traces a propulsive journey, powerfully evoking history and politics while portraying an extraordinary protagonist full of longing, vulnerability, and working-class grit.”

Once again to my knowledge, this book isn't problematic

Slide Fourteen: Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters

1998

lesbian/wlw

historical romance

“Nan King, an oyster girl, is captivated by the music hall phenomenon Kitty Butler, a male impersonator extraordinaire treading the boards in Canterbury. Through a friend at the box office, Nan manages to visit all her shows and finally meet her heroine. Soon after, she becomes Kitty's dresser, and the two head for the bright lights of Leicester Square where they begin a glittering career as music-hall stars in an all-singing and dancing double act. At the same time, behind closed doors, they admit their attraction to each other and their affair begins.”

Once again to my knowledge, this book isn't problematic

Slide Fifteen: Under the Udala Trees By Chinelo Okparanta

2015

lesbian/wlw

modern classic imo, look into the coexistence of native Nigerian culture & queerness

“Ijeoma comes of age as her nation does; born before independence, she is eleven when civil war breaks out in the young republic of Nigeria. Sent away to safety, she meets another displaced child, and they, star-crossed, fall in love. They are from different ethnic communities. They are also both girls. When their love is discovered, Ijeoma learns that she will have to hide this part of herself. But there is a cost to living inside a lie.”

Once again to my knowledge, this book isn't problematic

#queer books #lgbtq books #classic books #classic literature #lgbt books #book recommendation #classics #books #literature #poetry #lgbtq #queer #diverse books #diverse reads

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ressyfaerie · 4 years ago

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OKAY YALL.

I haven’t been paying attention at all.

Do you want to be really angry,

Like really, really angry?

I’m putting this in a read more since there’s going to be a LOT and it may start a FIRE.

It was a lonely snowy night in the north of British Columbia Canada.

Just kidding.

For real though- I had no internet! We could only watch TV on satellite (the only anime I watched was on YTV). If it snowed in the winter we had to go outside and brush the snow off the satellite to continue watching Beyblade or Inuyasha.

So I was 5-6 when I first started watching Beyblade. Of course I LOVED IT. I would rush home to try to watch it everyday. Beyblade has just airing and it was a HIT. I watched season 1 religiously, I actually don’t remember watching much of V-force or G-rev but that’s probably because it wasn’t made yet lmao.

I grew up in a small town, whatever you’re imagining, imagine it smaller. (I could write a whole essay on the social hierarchy of Port Ed in the early 2000s but I’ll keep it short for now) White kids= rich/ pretentious, Native kids=poor. I didn’t like the attitude of most of the white girls, so I mostly made friends with the native kids (I miss yall btw) but anyways, this is where you’re going to get angry.

So I didn’t know what Japanese WAS. Like I knew what Chinese was (Small town surrounded by racists? Who would have guessed?) I don’t even think I knew Japanese existed, but any other anime I watched (Sailor moon, Inuyasha, Gundam Wing) most of the characters were white representing or had extremely light skin tones.

So what the heck was 5 year old me supposed to do with beyblade? Which was a show filled with lots of different ethnicities? 5 year old me was obsessed with beyblade, tearing apart every episode I saw, so I gathered: Max=American, Ray=Chinese, Kai=Russian (Because that’s what matched with all their championships, makes sense to a kid right?)

But what WAS Japanese? I dunno? But you know who Tyson looked like?

My chubby native friends.

THAT’S RIGHT

YALL ARE DEBATING BIRACIAL KAI

LITTLE ME THOUGHT TYSON WAS NATIVE FOR YEEEAAAARRRSSSSS.

I’m laughing as I write this, when I learned Japan was indeed a real place, it didn’t dawn on me immediately. It still took finding beyblade online when I was like 11, re-watching it and being like ‘huh’. (Note: Remember when beyblade was on youtube but each episode was like 4 parts? Good times.)

So, on the topic of Kai.

First of all, I need to point something out that I deem obvious, but must be said.

Beyblade (As well as many other shows from long ago (Yugioh, Naruto, Inuyasha, and Sailor moon come to mind), a lot of us latched on to these shows so hard because of trauma or lonely childhoods. Which means a lot of us find our connections to these shows or characters very personal, which is why it’s hard to break headcannons. It’s more than a fandom for us, and any of us who feel this way, are risking their comfort show to involve themselves in the fandom (This is why I believe a lot of beyblade fans don’t interact with fandom, and I go out of my way to warmly welcome all whenever I can)

It needs to be said, that you owe no explanation to anyone, and neither do I, nor do I apologize for my headcannons.

With this being said, I knew eventually the fandom would blow up (as it has many times, over the idea of biracial Kai/ Kai with Russian ancestry/ Japanese Kai), now that it has hit so close to home, I feel the need to validate my decision to make Kai biracial in my two long main fics. However, it needs to be stated, I am not doing this to validate myself, but because I simply want to talk about it, I’m not explaining, or apologizing, simply stating some facts, and how I feel.

For a lot of us, these characters are so personal and we’ve kept them for so long that they’re verging on OC’s, this is NOT YOUR JOB to point out! Although I believe my Kai is very close to canon, there’s many things that aren’t, regardless, myself and many others, still belong to the fandom.

Back to my childhood:

FINALLY DIAL-UP INTERNET!

The first thing I did when I learned how to read and had private access to internet was google ‘Kai Beyblade’, if you asked, I probably would have said a child’s equivalent to ‘“fuck you that’s why”.

I learned his last name was Hiwatari, and man, I thought that was SO COOL. But that wasn’t a Russian name was it? I dived further, I don’t think the beyblade wiki even existed at this point, I think I was reading everything off of wikipedia. What I read was: Kai’s father was Russian and his mother was Japanese. I didn’t think too much of it, I mean, it made sense. It would explain Voltaire’s connection to Russia. Later on I realised it made more sense for Kai’s mother to be Russian since the Hiwatari name is Japanese and would most likely come from his grandfather, and for some reason, I was convinced Susumu was Voltaire’s son. The idea of Voltaire marrying his son off to some Russian heiress made so much sense to me. I never read fics, my ideas were definitely influenced by wiki edits, I had no reason to doubt it, or think any differently, I think a lot of people followed the same footsteps. It’s interesting to think that’s how headcanons became universal back in the day.

I learned the manga existed after a trip to Metrotown Vancouver where I bought every volume they had (3 lmao) (I still haven’t read every volume, and will when I can afford them).

I just always assumed Kai was biracial, IT JUST MADE SENSE. Kai’s family’s deep ties to Russia, the reason why he knew Russian (regardless of the Abbey), his figure compared to Tyson’s in season 1, I had no reason to doubt it, and it seemed the Dub side of the internet agreed!

When I wrote my fanfics at 18-19, 5 (years ago now, wow), I still assumed Kai was biracial. Only recently have I dived into the fandom and got into every side (Sub, Dub, Manga). I learned there’s 3 things Dub/Sub/Manga people will instantly fight over: Kai’s race, character’s names, and their ages.

The reason these three things are so debated is because of the dramatically different storylines/ differences in language versions. The Dub and Sub are two completely different shows when played side by side. I am most familiar with the Dub, as it stays close to my heart, which influences most of my headcanons.

I still headcanon Kai as biracial. We actually don’t know much about his parents, and canon is very loosey goosey. We’re learning more in Rising, but I highly doubt Takao Aoki is going to be like “AND THEN KAI’S MOM WENT TO VISIT HER RUSSIAN FAMILY IS RUSSIA BECAUSE SHE IS RUSSIAN” I’m not going to go into super detail why I think it’s likely that Kai is biracial, but you know what? It doesn’t really matter. This fandom is old, and being from the early 2000’s that means the dub is much different, which means there are MULTIPLE versions of canons. I guarantee you, in every version there is something problematic, and one of the least important ones, is whether or not the fandom white-washes Kai by making him biracial (Maybe full Russia could be an issue, but you know what? Does it really matter?). You know what DOES MATTER. What they did to Eddy, they did that boy dirty.

I mean they LITERALLY white-washed him. LIKE.

Also changing Tyson/ Takao’s skin tone in G-rev/ V-force will forever annoy me; that might be an asian skin whitening thing though, still, problematic.

But anyways, in the end I’m sure the reason why the English fandom so frequently headcanons Kai as biracial is not because of white-washing, but because of the time the Dub was created.

The early 2000’s was an interesting time. Some towns were still stuck in the 90’s, lots of kids had no access to the internet, and when they finally DID, they did not use it wisely. Misinformation was spread easily. Not many people in America read the manga, and very few people watched the Sub.

People like me, young and old, filled in the gaps that were missing.

It’s been 20 YEARS GUYS. A lot has changed. Headcanons that aren’t problematic will stick. As long as it’s not hurting anybody, or anyone else, it’s really not a bad thing.

Our main focus should be to keep the fandom going! We can’t die, we’ve been together too long to die and I refuse to let it happen, where will I get my serotonin from??

Here’s a pic of my love to end it off:

Dumb idiot loser fuckin smiles fucking lunatic.

#ressyfaerie #beyblade thoughts #on the subject of kai biracial headcanons and how they came to be #yall dont forget ive been here for the loooooonnggg ride #i was seeing the wikipedia edits ages ago #the passive aggressive edits were what gave me life

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ladylemrelle · 2 years ago

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I’ve decided that whether or by or @decentmonster wishes to have a discussion, it could do me good to lay out my side if only for future instances I’ll have one place to direct.

On “supporting the brutal colonization of natives” in the americas it has already happened. Not to mention, before Europeans hit shore the various Native Americans were conquering each other: to suggest they were all one and so all on good terms with each other is to diminish each of them as individual and unique peoples! Regardless, I’m glad that despite what bad occurred there are still people of the tribes left and they can educate and share from their families’ ways. Please keep in mind, too, that Europe is actually being colonized at the moment. NonEuropean folk are immigrating, legally and illegally, and outnumbering and threatening the native folk to those countries. One specific example I can cite is England.

Being almost entirely of Northern and Western European descent, I must ask if you believe I, others with similar DNA (so perhaps yourself even) and more should return to our ethnic homelands? I have always intended to move to Western Europe, but have not yet been able to do so for a few reasons. Do you believe most white Americans should return to Europe and those infiltrating Europe should return to their home countries too? What of central/South Americans who almost all now have significant amounts of European DNA and even culture among them?

I must also ask if you do not know history and that all peoples around the world have always been conquering each other? My grandfather’s grandmother was forced by her parents to flee at age 14 with her older brother (16) from Austria-Hungary to the United States. It sounds like a long time ago but was a bit before 1900. They were first sent back but later made it off Europe, to the states, later brought their parents over, and there is a photo of my mother and her older siblings with their great-grandmother. She was born in modern Slovenia but her parents were both from modern Austria, around Vienna. So as recently as the end of the 1800s I have family who had to leave their homeland or essentially die due to the awful circumstances of that time. Shouldn’t all peoples who have been wronged get reparations if even one gets to claim such? Isn’t it better we understand that bad does happen and ha happened, but we cannot change what happened only do our best to be better now?

I don’t believe genocide is a work of God. I can see the circumstances that had to align to get Europeans here to fo the US as a miracle and work of God but God does not micromanage us. Many wrongs and even evils happen in the name of God, but that does not mean God approves.

My religion does not hurt nor abuse me. It has freed me in many ways as I’ve grown to better understand it and my part in God’s plan. I understand why many have issues with modern organized religion, Christianity especially, as I used to be one such person. I practiced among new age/ pagan type spiritualities for about a decade of my life.

I’m also not in denial about being a man. Before I knew terms for self identity, for transgender, and even what it is to be homosexual, I was a child under ten who couldn’t understand why but felt as though she were an alien in human body studying her human peers and attempting to mimic them. I had body dysphoria and dissociation and more from an abnormally young age. I didn’t identify as transgender or genderqueer until I was already healing and was able to finally accept that I am, in fact, a human! I’m now proudly a woman and thankful I am not reliant or doctors to keep my body functional for the rest of my life as would’ve been the case if I had medically transitioned as I had, at a time, been certain on doing. I was such an extreme case that if I can survive in tact and become relieved and genuinely happy to be alive, nearly all others should be able to as well!

I was in so much pain from my mental disorders. I was in pain for not being my authentic self too, that’s right! My authentic self is in fact how God made me: a female who has a neurodiverse mind! Brains can be unwell, that’s why mental disorders exist. I still have mine I manage daily (primarily Schizoaffective bipolar type) but despite what routine little battles I have that won’t cease, I’m overall much better and happier as my genuine self! God made me exactly as I need to be and tho I had many difficulties in getting to realize His perfect plan for me, I’ve come so far and grown to a much better place to be!

God is all good, and brings good from bass that He may allow us to experience but never intends for us necessarily. I hit dark depths, God pulled me through and to somewhere superior to where I was even before!

I don’t know if you believe in God or not, which is not exactly my business! Regardless, I hope you and all others (and myself too) are able to reach God more clearly and know His love for us always. If you don’t believe in God, for those who don’t or believe in other gods, I still wish you all the very best and know I don’t pray for you out of bad intent but from a place of love!

I’ve been through terrible times, I’ve seen more than most ever will in my realms. I seek to spread word that lovely life is still accessible and reaching it is not nearly as difficult as it often seems!

All the best to everyone ❤️

Lady O’Linden

it's honestly no wonder you support the brutal colonization of natives. its no wonder you think genocide of native people is the "work of god." you think that religion has to hurt you and abuse you and that pain is good. It's why you're in denial about being a man. it's why you abusively hurt others with your words. it's why you won't let yourself be happy-why you have to desensitize yourself to your own pain instead of actually acknowledging why you are in pain. instead of just taking the risk and being authentic to yourself. you think a good God is a God who injures you for being the way He created you. you think a good God is a God who changes you in violent ways that hurt you.

I hope you find peace, my guy.

I actually don’t believe the things you think I do, sorry friend-o I’m not the monster you want me to be as most aren’t.

I pray you find peace as well, we all ought to come to it tho many never get to, tragically.

If you’d be willing to have an actual conversation—which involves letting me explain and support my points—I’d love to try to help with the understanding of what I stand for and have learned to be true.

I’m no guy tho I identified as one for a few years (I luckily got away in tact from that one and am forever grateful!) but I appreciate the sentiment.

Whether I hear more from you or not, all the best!!!

#I guess this is sort of a mission statement? lol #my stance on things #I’ve been there done that beyond what many realize is possible #God bless all!#I’m here for a good time not a long time lol

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drazzilder · 3 years ago

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Half Hot

By Drazzilder

@justmewoo requested a story. I think there will be more to this but this is the first part, hope you all enjoy!

You are rushing to the hospital. Not even red lights can stop you from getting there as fast as possible. Your mother was in a severe car accident and the doctor on the phone said to come immediately. When you arrive, you quickly talk to one of the front desk nurses and find your mother’s room. Upon entering, you see numerous machines all around her, keeping her alive. It takes all of your will power not to cry when approaching the bed. She is asleep but her eyes open when you grab her hand.

“(Y/N)….” She barely whispers.

“I’m here. Its ok.”

“You know I’m not going to make it.” She says this while looking at you with a loving and apologetic face.

You begin to cry. “I know.”

“I need to tell you something before I go.”

“Anything…”

“I lied to you about your father.”

“What?” your tears are stopped almost immediately when hearing this.

“He didn’t die of a drug overdose. Your father is alive.”

“Wait? Who is he?”

“He’s the number one hero…”

“Endeavor? That’s impossible!?”

“He came to America a long time ago and I did things I regret but I’m happy I can tell you now.”

“That’s why you made me learn Japanese?”

“Yes, I was preparing you for this one day. I’m sorry I lied.”

“Mom….” You squeeze her hand a little tighter as you start to cry again.

“Oh, and Happy 25th Birthday…” The heart monitor holds its tone. You cry at the side of the bed until a nurse comes into the room. She tells you she is sorry for your loss but you get up and head to the front desk. After getting all of the paperwork figured out, you head home. You still lived at home with your mother, so going to an empty home is going to be hard. You were between jobs and you had not much to your name. When you get home, you see a small cake with “Happy Birthday!” written on it. The cake ends up in the trash out of sadness and anger. All this time, you had a father a world away and yet your mother never told you. It would explain your quirk, only being able to heat your hands up but not create any flames. The sulking stops when you open your laptop and look up tickets to Japan.

Endeavor may be the number one hero and you admired him for so long but you need to talk to him. He is even a hero in your eyes, you being a big fan of him. You even have a room almost filled to the brim with Endeavor toys, posters, plushies and more. “I have nothing left, might as well try…” you think as you book the plane tickets. The week wait felt like an entirety but when you got on the plane, your heart was racing. Once on the ground, it isn’t long before you arrive at the Endeavor agency. When you enter, the shock on the secretary’s face tells you that you are in the right place. You never really noticed before but you look like the spitting image of Endeavor. 6’3’’, wide frame, square jaw line, blue eyes, crimson red hair.

“I am here to speak to Endeavor, is he available.?” You say as the words look like they flying over the poor secretary’s head.

“I-I… let me call him and let him know he has a…. visitor.” She is trying to best to hide her shock but you know that it can’t be helped. After she hangs up, she walks you nervously to the office. The doors open and she motions you inside. The big man himself is in his office chair, looking down at his work. He doesn’t even look up when you enter.

“Hello, uh…Mr. Endeavor sir.”

He responds without even looking up. “You speak Japanese fairly well, however your American accent shines through. I can tell you learned from a native speaker. What do you need?”

“Um… Thank you. I… My name is (Y/N), I don’t know how to say this easily but I think I am your son.”

“What makes you say….” The number 1 hero is stopped in his tracks as he looks up. His body language changed in an instant, those words ringing in his head. When he finally can move again, it looks like he saw death himself. With mouth slightly agape, he just stares for a while then he manages to speak.

“Wa… how…why…”

“My mom told me. She said you visited America and you two met.”

The cogs start spinning in the hero’s head as he starts to remember the past. “Stella?” is all he can manage to remember.

“That was her name.”

“Was? Does that mean…”

“Yes, she passed away.”

“Oh…. And you are about 25 years old?”

“Yes. My birthday was last week actually, the same day she died.”

“What happened?”

“A car accident.”

“I…. I am sorry.”

“It was an accident.”

“No, I mean yes I am sorry about that. I really mean that I am sorry I was never there. Did you have a father as a child?”

“No, it was just me and mom.”

Under his breath “God, why did I….” Then he speaks normally again “I am sorry I did that to you. I guess you are here now because you wanted to find out if I really was your father.”

“That and I have nothing left at home. I didn’t have a job, my mom is dead, no family on her side is left. I had nothing left to live for so I decided to start fresh. Even if you were not my dad I could always start anew here.”

“That doesn’t need to happen. You are more than welcome to stay with me.”

“I don’t need that, I can j- “

“No, I insist. I need to make this up to you. I need to….” the man sounds like he is about to choke but he manages to calm himself before getting up and hugging you. Even though you are almost as tall as him, you are not nearly as built and he feels huge. His hug feels nice, something you never had as a child. The hug breaks and you feel cold again but the look on Endeavor’s face makes you forget about that. It looks like he has been beaten down. You don’t get much time to think about it when he offers to take you home with him after he finishes for the day. Of course, you agree. A sidekick takes you on a tour around the agency until it is time to go and Endeavor gets a ride for the two of you to get home.

The Todoroki residence is a large traditional style Japanese home with a massive property for being in the city. When you enter the home, something feels off. It is stale, lifeless and empty. You look around and see not a single sign of life around, that is until you find a photo frame. This a picture of Endeavor standing next to a frail looking woman with a small boy with red and white hair.

“Is this your family?” you ask while he is in another room.

“Yes…” he almost sighs.

“What are their names?”

“R-Rei is my wife. The children are Fuyumi, Natsuo, and Shoto.”

“Wait, I only see one child in the photo.” You wait for a response but you only hear silence. When he comes to the room, he acts like that question was never spoken.

“Where is your family?”

“They are not here. They live in another home.”

“Is it too much to ask why?”

“It is for their safety.”

“Oh, that makes sense you being the number one hero and all.” You take a moment to settle in. Endeavor takes you to a guest bedroom and you unpack your small bag. It isn’t long till there is some dinner made and you sit eating with him in silence again.

“You know when I found out you where my dad, I freaked out.” This doesn’t get much of a response from him so you continue. “To be the son of the number one hero, the fire hero himself, I was so excited. I have a heat quirk but all I can do is just make my hands really hot, kinda useless. But it makes sense that I got this quirk from you.”

Endeavor just chews quietly until he swallows heavily and manages to speak. “I…. When I saw you in my office, I knew you were my son. You look just like me. I am sorry that you had to go all that time without a father, without me being there. It isn’t right. I should have been there, I should have…..” He trails off before looking back at his bowl of rice.

“It is ok. You didn’t know.”

“Was your life, ok?”

“I guess. There were times where we had it rough but every family goes through that.”

He just sighs. “That…. It didn’t have to be that way.”

“Hey, I am here now. We can work on it now.”

“You are right. Let me make this right. I want to be a good father to you. I will take tomorrow off so we can start to work on that.”

“Ok, that’s a little fast but sounds good.”

“Thank you.” You wonder why he is thanking you but you think his emotions must be high from everything that has happened today. You find your way back to the guest room and fall asleep almost instantly from the jet lag. The morning is filled with the smell of a traditional Japanese breakfast. In the kitchen, Endeavor is waiting for you.

“Good morning, I hope you slept alright.”

“I did and thank you for cooking, it looks great!”

“You are welcome. I wanted to ask you a few questions if you don’t mind.”

“Sure.”

“You never knew who your father was until recently?”

“No, my mom never said a word. She told me that he died of a drug overdose.”

“I see. Did you know who I was before this?”

“Yes, I knew you were the number 2 then number 1 hero. It’s a little funny, I actually had a whole room full of Endeavor stuff. I am a huge fan.”

“What do you mean ‘had’?”

“I sold everything I had left to come here.”

“Oh…. I have one last question. Did you want to meet the rest of the family?”

“I-If they want to. I would love to but I don’t want to impose.”

“I will call and see if they are up to it right after breakfast.” It isn’t long before the food is finished end Endeavor is on his phone. He called his daughter and isn’t on the phone long before he comes back.

“They will be here later in the week. Is there anything you wanted to do today?”

“I never have been around Japan before; we can go anywhere.”

“I have some ideas. Let’s go.”

The two are headed out. They walk to the nearest station and take a train to the center of the city. The looks you got on the train were a mix between shocked and horror seeing two people who looked like the number one hero. Once in the city, Endeavor is quick to show you around. He takes you to the major landmarks, the hot spots for people your age, and even some of his favorite spots to eat. Around noon, you go to a local yakitori shop and enjoy some of the local cuisine. Lunch ends and then he wants to take you to one last place before head back. It isn’t long before you are both at a traditional Japanese temple. You take your time to walk around and take in all of the sights and respect the culture the best you can. He knows you are trying your best to understand and helps when he can.

The whole week goes something like this. Endeavor took the whole week off work early each day to spend time with you. Sometimes you went into the city, other times you went more into nature either a park or more distant parts of Japan. This is was all so much for you, you now have a father, someone who cares about you. You missed this as a child but now Endeavor is giving you the fatherly attention you always wanted.

The big day is here and you can tell Endeavor is nervous. You both head out before dinner. A small bakery was on your walk so you went inside and bought a cake for everyone to enjoy. Once back home, Endeavor set the table for the family. You are a nervous reck until the doorbell rings.

“Hi dad, what’s with us coming for dinner? Is something wrong?” Fuyumi says before entering. You sit there in shock realizing he didn’t tell them why he called them over. When they all enter the dining room, you look up to stone cold faces.

N: In pure shock “I…Who are you?”

S: “Is this some kind of joke?” He responds with some anger.

F: “Dad?”

E: “This is (Y/N). He is my son.”

N: “WHAT?! You have to be joking!” He starts to get red in the face with anger.

F: “I don’t think dad is, look at him. He looks just like dad.”

S: “This is really shocking to find out.”

(Y/N): “That how I felt when I found out.”

N: “What do you mean when you found out?”

(Y/N): “I only found out a few weeks ago. Please sit down and we can talk. I’m sorry this is all a shock to you.”

S: “This is making me uncomfortable. Can we go?”

E: “Let me make this right.”

N: “I’m heading out with Shoto.”

E: “Wait!”

N: “No, this is too much. How do you think we would react?”

F: “I don’t know how to process this. What he must have gone through without a father.”

E: “Fuyumi, you too?” He looks at her almost in astonishment.

N: “I can’t believe you did that to him. What kind of father are you anyway?”

Hearing all of this, how they talk to their father, it makes you snap. “This is how you treat your father? He is the number 1 hero. He has saved countless lives and helped take down hundreds if not thousands of villains and yet you treat him like what he is saying means nothing. He makes mistakes but that’s ok, we all do. I would love to have a father like him, I never had one as a kid. He wasn’t there when I was a kid but he wants to make up for it, isn’t that enough?”

You look over to the hero who has gone white. Endeavor turns around and leaves the room quickly. You are about to go after him but are stopped when Natsuo grabs your hand.

N: “You don’t know anything, do you?”

(Y/N): “What?”

F: “Our father isn’t perfect.”

(Y/N): “I’m not saying he is perfect.”

S: “He hurt all of us.”

(Y/N): “How?”

F: “He neglected Natsuo and I because we were not perfect to replace him. He hurt Shoto by training him too hard and our mom had a breakdown and hurt Shoto. We didn’t even know much about Shoto until recently because we were kept away from our brother.”

N: “The worst of it is that our oldest brother died because of what dad did to him. He was pushed too hard as a kid.”

S: “All of this just to be better than All Might.”

(Y/N): “What?”

N: “He only kept having kids until a child had the perfect quirk to be better than himself. He abandoned those without a good quirk.”

S: “And now we find out about you, we didn’t even know we had another brother.”

N: “Another child of his, ruined…”

You look at all three of them and can tell that they are all telling the truth. The emotions inside start to build again and overflow as you speak. “But…. I finally have a dad…” you start to cry, just a little. “My mom died on my birthday, I have no family, and I have no one to care for me. I finally find out I have a father and maybe a family but you’re telling me all of this.” You cover your face to try to hide your emotions. “Why does everything have to be so hard.”

F: “I’m sorry to tell you all this. But it’s only fair to tell you before you decide anything.”

N: “What did he tell you anyway?”

(Y/N): “He didn’t know I was alive.”

S: “What?”

(Y/N): “When I walked into his office, he looked like he saw a ghost. He said he wished he was there and he wanted to make things right. He has been with me all week, trying to make up for lost time.”

N: “Really… he is trying to help you too?”

(Y/N): “Too?”

F: “Dad is trying to make up for his mistakes. He even had us move to a new house to help us heal.”

(Y/N): “He said it was for your safety.”

N: “Yes, from him.”

F: “Natsuo!”

(Y/N): “I need to go talk to him.”

S: “That might not be a good idea.”

(Y/N): “I don’t care. Just wait here till I come back.”

You leave the dining room and wander the house looking for the number 1 hero. Some sounds start to come from a distant part of the house. As you get closer, the sounds start to morphing into the sounds of crying. You turn the corner and find Endeavor crying in front of a shrine.

“Endeavor?”

The man doesn’t even turn towards you as he speaks through his tears. “Go away…. Please…”

“No. We need to talk.”

“I-I don’t want to be seen like this. A hero should be strong but… I can’t hold it together anymore.”

“You are human, it’s ok to feel overwhelmed.”

“I know they told you about me.”

“They did.”

“Why are you defending me? Why are you still here? This family has fallen apart because of me. My son died because of me. My children were practically abandoned, Shoto was pushed hard day after day. I sent my wife to the mental institution because of what I caused. How can I be a hero if I only hurt those around me…?” His crying starts to grow louder as his emotions start to peak. The only thing you think to do is something that doesn’t come naturally to either of you. You grab his shoulders and turn him to you. He hardly has the will power to fight your movements when you put your arms around him. He weakly places his massive arms around you as he continues his sobs. His head lays limply on your shoulder as you try your best to comfort him.

You barely whisper “Let it out, there is no need to hold it inside anymore.” You look up to see the shrine behind Endeavor. The photo in the center is of a small boy with pure white hair. “Is that him?”

“His name was Touya. He was my first born, well I thought he was, but his quirk only hurt him. After having more children to fill my selfish desire to be better than All Might, he got angry and lost control. He died from his powers. I pushed him too far.”

“I….I’m sorry.”

“You shouldn’t apologize.”

“Don’t worry about me, just keep talking.”

It takes a few moments for the man to pull himself together enough to to begin to speak again. “I’m so sorry. I’m such a horrible father. I abandoned you and your mother. All those years without the support of a father; I don’t deserve you in my life. You deserve someone better.” The tone of his voice has change to something you have never heard from him before, something sad and vulnerable, the opposite of what he normally is.

“You are all that I have left, I’m not leaving. I know that I just showed up but from what little I was told, I believe you want to make things better.”

“Why are you staying?”

“I want to be here. Something inside of me is telling me I need to be here. I want a relationship with my family.”

“But…”

“No, I am staying and you can’t stop me. Maybe I can help too.”

“These are my mistakes, I need to atone for them, alone.”

“These are too big for you. You could barely look at me when I first got here. I know you feel guilty but you didn’t even know about me.

“But…. l”

“You don’t have to handle any of this alone, we can all work together but you have to let us in.”

“I…. I don’t know how.”

“How about this: let’s see if we can go back and try to have some dinner, as a family. We can try to talk things out, ok?”

“I guess.” The hero stands and he composes himself for a bit before you both head back down the hall. The tension in the air is still thick as you both sit down.

(Y/N): “I’m sorry if it feels like I am intruding into this family, I just wanted to find out if Endeavor is my father.”

F: “You look just time him; we can tell you are our brother.”

S: “We are sorry we acted the way we did you you, it is not your fault.”

N: Looking at his father “A warning would have been nice.”

E: “I am sorry I didn’t warn you about this when I invited you over. I knew you wouldn’t want to come over if you knew.”

N: “This is still a shock for us.”

F: “(Y/N), you said you didn’t know until recently?”

(Y/N): “My mom kept it a secret from me. She even had me learn Japanese since a child. I never second guessed who I looked until after she told me. She said Endeavor met her in America.”

S: “I didn’t know you went to America.”

E: “It was soon after graduating from UA, I wanted to learn more about the world of heroes and trying to learn from other pro heroes. There I met your mother at an agency, she was the secretary. She knew a lot of the ins and outs of hero work but one night things got a little off topic….”

N: “We don’t need to know the rest.”

S: “You left after that?”

E: “I’m ashamed to say yes. I didn’t know she had a child.”

(Y/N): “It’s ok. I don’t think she wanted you to know.”

S: “You’re probable right. But what makes you think we would accept you in our family?”

(Y/N): “I don’t expect you to anything that makes you uncomfortable. I only came to see if Endeavor was my father. After that, I didn’t really have anything in mind. I would be happy if I could be part of this family. I know it’s anything but perfect but he sounds like he is trying to change things for the better. I don’t know where I fit in this but I want to be included.”

E: “I don’t know how to apologize for everything I did to you all. I abandoned my first child, I neglected others, pushed others too hard. I was so selfish in everything I have done in the past 25 years. I wish I could go back and undo all of it. The amount of guilt I feel every day is almost unbearable but the only thing that pushes me forward is knowing that I need to make up for my mistakes. I don’t want forgiveness; I just want to atone.”

F: “We can see that.”

(Y/N): “What about me?”

F: “Give us time to think about this, all of this.”

(Y/N): “Take all the time you need, I waited 25 years to have a father and siblings, what’s a little more time.”

#endeavor #endeavor fluff #endeavor stan #mha todoroki #mha fluff #mha enji #endeavor mha #todoroki family #enji todoroki #todoroki enji #bhna todoroki #bhna endeavor #mha fan fic

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anonil88 · 3 years ago

Text

The L Word Gen Q Ep. 3 liveblog

Angie is hardheaded as fuck.

Tina is European and Native American....say whattttttttt.

I would have a conversation with my kid if they did something like this behind my back and then they are getting like some privileges taken away.

Who the hell shits their pants that much?

I think Finley should see a doctor and a therapist.

I'm glad Nat is getting the chance to have an open relationship but Alice can't say she thats great over and over if she thinks it isn't okay.

Wowwww Alice wowwwwwwwwww, she did not pull a "You're dirty don't touch me thing." I get asking once just to know but the 2nd is so nasty. (I had hope too)

Ooo booty squeeze, they are cute together.

I wonder how long has passed?

Gigi is so fucking hot omg.

What does Micah do again?

Tess and Shane are sweet.

Girl you ran that entire way? With no books?

Oh god two teenagers doing dumb shit.

At least Jordi is like "so you told your mom right ?"

They are all speaking farsi my God.

Stop omg my heart ugh, I love persian dialects. (The cupcake is them talking.)

Her dad said, it is time you "get the fuck over it get a new one."

People rooting for Alice here pisses me off because Alice is not speaking and communicating.

An inclusive workplace? But, the brush off to get to the fact that he is trans quota is ugh.

Dani's dads office is gorgeous.

Awww he misses her momma.

He has come such a long way.....ugh is he sick. Ughhhhhhhh come on!

This is literally the conversations I have with people I date. I don't actually talk to that many artist, not by choice really.

Bette said....well that was corny as hell. But, God don't we wish all art dealers had emotional responses to beautiful art and we, the artist, could see them.

This conversation is very realistic because I think he is kind of saying a whole lot that makes sense and matters but also kind of sounds like too much especially in a room with a disabled woman of color.

If Alice is monogamous then she just needs to say that and either work through her jealousy and stay with Nat or break up.

Oh god Alice don't fuck your editor please I beg you.

Here we go, also Angie is being a little brat but I do get Gigi trying to help her but I think Bette needs to cool off first. And this is why you don't try to talk to Bette when she is upset. Also she really needs to have this conversation with her child's other mother.

I do think Bette is feeling a tad threatened but also she had Kit and she can't deprive her daughter of that type of bond.

Chemical transition? Is that what we are calling medical transition?

Ngl having a trans therapist would be dope.

Gigi's office is fire, um also again she is so fucking hot. I'm glad Sepideh has become a series regular, same for Adrienne.

I can only imagine how painful this is for everyone.

They probably fucked on that table so many times.

Finley you are an asshole, what on the white savior bullshit ?

This shit is weird, I'm confused too.

Meeting her sister yay, this is gonna be awkward but I hope it ends up really nice.

Bette is fucking going through it man.

Yes its gonna be someone and if you are not okay with it then you need to let her live a happy life.

Yayyy shes riding on the pony!!!

Tess is so pretty. Ugh while I get upset that this show is so so so femme representative and nothing else. I still am over here sweating.

Is Gigi cutting up her food? Or are they sharing food?

Yayyy more Farsi! Also the way she told that man off, good to know a lot of men are really all the same in multiple cultures.

And I oop 👀👀👀👀

Whats wrong Tess?

Omg noooo nothing them being at the same restaurant nooo.

Jealousy is a normal thing for monogamous and nonmonogamous people alike but it is something to be communicated.

Um what is going on? Is she having a panic attack?

Can Tom shut the fuck up? Then he has the nerve to ask about the book. Can I just say the way they have handled polyamory writing wise in last season and this one is so messy and fucked up and I hate everything about it. Its very very anti polyamory and quite negative.

Tess noooooooo. I get men are shit but noooooo.

Alice literally runs from everything and doesn't have any conversations and it absolutely infuriates me. Sis aren't you like 40+ to 50 and you still can't sit down and have a conversation?

I'm glad Dani has a friend now who understands her culture, like this is so cute with her name being Golnar. But I don't like the direction this could go with the possibility of Gigi cheating on Bette. Especially when it seems Bette has grown up a bit.

I hope Dani's dad is okay.

Based on previews imma be annoyed next episode.

#the l world generation q #the l word #liveblog #lb

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paunchsalazar · 4 years ago

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Your work is very good but I think you whitewashed Piper. She's a native girl, you should draw her with brown skin and brown eyes. And dark hair too. And I think you could change Hazel's design as well, she is supposed to be a dark skinned black girl, and you should give her brown eyes too. Both Piper's and Hazel's book eye colors are said to have harmful colorist implications, it's best to ignore canon altogether and just give them dark eyes.

hi! thank you for thinking my work is good! you bring up some thoughtful, merited, and interesting concerns that I want to address and hopefully understand. I apologize if my design choices whitewashed these characters, that was not my intention at all. I am not right or the only authority on what these characters look like, but I also have no desire to put out negative stereotypes and perpetuate colorism. I am so sorry for doing so, and I hope and plan to do better with these characters and any others.

---

You are under no obligation to read it all (I’m so sorry I typed so much!) but I wanted to explain my reasoning, even though it is not imperfect. These are just my personal takes on them, and I am still not set on these designs.

While I was trying to figure out how I imagine them I was trying to work within the parameters set by their in-book descriptions. And as those descriptions can get a little vague or rely on comparison, etc. I tried to break it down as best as I could:

In the book, Piper says herself she is “half-white” (of course she doesn’t know what the other half actually is, but I personally took this as meaning Aphrodite met Tristan McLean as a white woman and visually Piper appears mixed). Throughout the book, she’s described as having dark brown hair (which I always read as not-black, because he’s pretty clear about Percy, Thalia, and Nico’s black hair) and “kaleidoscope” eyes (which I imagine as being sort of hazel but sort of ever-changing, like Aphrodite’s whole appearance). I was imagining her a bit like a young Julia Jones, whose father is Chickasaw, Choctaw, and African American (she’s never specified further). But with that coloring, strong jaw, and cheekbones just because I think Julia Jones is so pretty! And I think fits the bill of the kind of pretty Piper is/wants to be? Looking at the colors now I want to darken/change the undertones a bit for sure.

For Hazel, she’s French Creole and from Louisiana and I personally, perhaps mistakenly, interpreted her as mixed because her father appears as a very light-skinned, caucasian man to her. In my head, she was like a kid who looks 80% like her mother, Marie. I imagined the two of them as unmistakably black, but not say dark as Lupita N’yongo (I’m sorry it’s much easier to explain with examples.) Creole people have such a range of skin tones from a thoroughly mixed heritage, while still being black. (Personally, I am saying this as a half-Haitian with mixed hair texture? so I was trying to think about people I know as well as actresses, etc. my dad is on the light-skinned end and has yellow/hazel eyes so that was my mental justification?)

I also imagine her as having 3b/3c hair that’s dark brown with some highlights? These descriptions can be a little hard to work with but I was trying to make a design that checks all the boxes but still appears like an actual person may appear?

I think while reading the books I’ve always imagined them as sometimes having not-quite-commonplace features? If that makes any sense. Like Percy and Thalia’s eyes being more brilliant than usual? So that was my logic for using the wilder eye colors with them. And that the babies wind up some mix of their mortal parent and whatever visual their godly parent appeared to them as? (if that makes any sense at all!). This, in my head, is the reason some but not all of the kids from the same parent share certain traits. Still - I’m not sure if this holds! Because throughout reading I think I always took Frank as being 100% Chinese, and he never says otherwise? Whereas Piper addresses being called mixed?

As for ignoring canon altogether, I think that really tripped me up. I admit I am a stickler for keeping as close to the source material as much as I can, just because it gives me a guide and it’s how the mental image came about but I also tried (and perhaps failed) to work within the existing descriptions and still make specific, reasonable designs that don’t fall on negative stereotypes.

I think that some, but not all, of the character design choices Rick has made fall into the “needing the minority to look more interesting” kind of trap? like when Asian characters always have a streak of color in their hair. Even though I believe he has genuinely kindhearted intentions.

I think, given its fantasy and these are demigods, I was personally alright with it (save an eye roll at some of the descriptions) because there are a fair amount of minority characters who don’t have crazy traits? Like reading I was like okay... Hazel is the child of the god of riches, that trait wound up being shown in her eyes? vs. say, the Beckendorf in my head who has dark hair and dark eyes and got different traits visual or otherwise from his father?

Anyway, to your point - all of these reasons do not excuse whitewashing, and I am not trying to do so. I just wanted to provide where I was coming from. I may change their designs, they are not set or official, just a rolling log of the visual in my head, and my attempts to capture it in photoshop. I hope to learn and improve and hopefully not hurt anybody, but if I do I apologize and I thank you, or whoever else, for calling me out on it.

+ also! I did not realize this until I looked back on my cintiq but i was surprised by how saturated and red the colors looked beyond my tablet. It is my mistake for not checking/correcting them.

#Anonymous #asks

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fidespeaks · 3 years ago

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About Fides: An Introduction

Hello, my name is Fides! It’s very nice to meet you and, however you’ve fond your way onto this blog, I’m happy that you have. In this post, I hope to cover a few important things before getting started with the meat and potatoes of this blog: namely I’d like to introduce myself and, in the name of transparency, give you as many details about myself and my background as possible while still maintaining relative anonymity. Some things have been left intentionally vague (i mean. kinda LOL), this is to protect myself. I hope you’ll understand.

SO! Let’s start with the basics...

My name is Fides. I am in my late twenties and the only information I’ll give regarding my location is that I am currently in the PST timezone and I live on the American west coast. I currently work as a retail associate, but I have experience in food service & professional animal care as well. I am currently pursuing an undergraduate degree in forensic psychology with a minor in philosophy. I have an avid interest in clinical psychology, criminology / behavioral analysis, social psychology, sociology, anthropology, political sciences, race relations, gender studies, and a lot of other stuff that I spend the majority of my time studying (reading books on the subjects, listening to podcasts, ect). I have been roleplaying on this hellsite since 2010 and I have seen my share of bullshit, believe me.

As far as gender goes, I an AFAB genderfluid enby. I prefer they/them pronouns, but I won’t be miffed over she/her or he/him or anything else that you would like to (respectfully) refer to me as. I don’t mind gendered slang (queen, king, dude, girl, babe, boss bitch, etc) but I ask that you not refer to me as any derogatory sexual terminology typically associated with women (slut, hoe, thot, skank, etc). I have been out as nonbinary for a little more than a year but have been actively surrounded by enby friends for over a decade.

Sexuality / orientation wise I am demisexual, biromantic, and polyamorous. I have been identifying as bi since my early teens and am out to everyone in my life. I often refer to myself as a lesbian because I am in a lesbian relationship (so if you have issues with enby lesbians, you’re just gonna have to leave or get over it). I am married & my wife is a trans woman who has been out for a little less than a year and has a masters degree in post civil war reconstruction & the race relations of the time. We have a child who is around three and told me this morning that their gender is “zombie”. So... do with that as you will.

I am not neurotypical. I was professionally diagnosed with ADHD sometime in kindergarten and I have spent long periods of my life both medicated and unmedicated (I am currently medicated). I also have been diagnosed with C-PTSD and am currently undergoing EMDR treatment with a licensed therapist. I am a CSA survivor & I display a good number of the symptoms of BPD although I haven’t been officially diagnosed with it.

As stated above, I am American. My mother’s side of the family is white as fuck my father’s side of the family is latinx & native american. I am extremely white passing and was raised by my conservative christian mother & step-father, so while I do consider myself of color, I also am hyper aware of the fact that to the outside world I always have been and always will be white as fuck. I try to use this to the best of my abilities to fight against racism and implicit bias when I see it and am, as I said, fully aware of my privilege. I will always concede to BIPOC when it comes to matters of race, but I also do not pretend that that voice and group are a monolith and I always do my best to make sure I have collected a multitude of opinions regarding a subject before formulating my own. Plus, I think that white saviorism is one of the worst behaviors any sort of leftist or progressive white or white passing person can engage in and part of this blog (as you will see) will def touch upon that.

Uh... what else? I consider myself pretty far left. I grew up christian (lutheran) and am now some weird flavor of agnostic existentialist. I believe that capitalism is cultivating a hellish apocalyptic landscape and needs to be stopped at all costs (I’m a socialist ig lol). I think that everyone suffers from implicit biases that cause them to act poorly and while they need to be educated the way that we do it currently in the rpc and the community at large are disgusting, counter productive, largely a waste of time, and extremely unhealthy. I dislike both antishippers and proshippers equally and.... uh.

That pretty much lays out most of my background and both my privileges and lack thereof. Next time (ON DRAGON BALL Z) I will think I’m gonna talk about and discuss privilege and ladders of it and how it stacks and the like because I think that’s pretty important to why I made this post beyond just introducing myself. Or... first I’m going to make a post about what I kind of want to do with this blog and why I’ve made it and THEN I’ll start talking about the interesting stuff to lay the groundwork for what I really want to do and talk about here so...

Thank you to everyone who basically read this really boring summary of myself and my life! I look forward to talking more with y’all. <3

#001. ⟹ FIDES SPEAKS.

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everydisneymovie · 4 years ago

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Review #38: The Light in the Forest

Post #42

8/4/2020

Next up is 1958′s The Light in the Forest

Enjoyment : [1]

Watching this movie feels like pissing blood. Watching it actively gave me a throbbing headache I was so furious with it. There is almost nothing enjoyable about this garbage and I actively think lesser of people who defend it. The issue is that the entire premise of the movie is racist and hateful so you can never get on board with the story unless you are also racist and hateful. The story is about a boy named True Son who was adopted by a tribe of Native Americans. Due to a treaty he is forced to return to his biological family where is then tortured and brainwashed until he finally acts ‘white enough’ for their approval. Even if True Son is ethnically white, he was raised by a loving Native family and this movie acts like none of that matters. From the first frame the moral of this movie is “The Races don’t mix, stay with your own kind” and it boils my brain to try and think why Disney thought this was ok.

Quality : [1]

The filmmaking is fine. Camera, lighting, sets, costumes, it probably would have gotten a 4 if the plot was anything other than the shit show it turned out to be. Because the writing is so unbelievably hateful this movie gets a 1. The reason this devalues the quality of the movie as a whole, is that the way scenes are structured is now fundamentally flawed. The writing tries to frame the racist white cultists as villains, but then also does nothing to refute them. The racist villains say something racist, True Son looks sad, and the film moves on like there is nothing else to be said. You can’t possibly write likable character when they are just awful from start to finish. Besides some musical stings, there is nothing behind the camera to display that these racists are wrong, if anything I think the framing supports their arguments and it ends up ruining everything.

Hold up : [0]

The second ever 0 given on this blog, and boy does this movie deserve it. I have already gone over how hateful the core premise is. A ‘respectable white family’ tries to ‘tame a savage native’ because ‘this is where he belongs!’ It is lazy, stupid and spiteful writing. However, what makes this movie truly awful is the ‘both sides!’ angle it tries to push and utterly fails at. The opening scene has the Native chieftain arguing with a British general. The Chieftain says that the British troops have been raping and killing men, women and children that were not part of any war party, to which the general snaps “Yeah but they only killed the civilians because they were scared of facing your savage warriors.” and then they just moves on like that was a fair answer to those accusations. You cannot compare the violence the Natives committed against the Pioneers to the violence the Pioneers committed against the Natives. One side was an invading army and the other was made up of civilians defending their home. Whenever a scene tries to ‘both-sides’ the argument it just sounds like “Why do the people we keep killing say they don’t want us to kill them? That’s so rude of them!” Fuck off movie this is pathetic and you know it. This movie is also truly horrible in its depiction of adoptive families. Despite the fact that True Sons Native family knew him most of his life and provided nothing but stability, the movie frames his racist, abusive biological family as his ‘true family’ since being related by blood trumps everything else. Like honestly fuck that, adopted families ARE real families regardless of race. On a final absurd note, as if this movie couldn’t get any worse, the final conflict revolves around True Son fighting his uncle, who has been shown to not only be a racist murderer, but also an attempted rapist. And yet, True Son explicitly states he is going to fight his Uncle not because he is evil, but because “he wants to prove his is a white man and wants to earn his respect.” Yeah I am sure the respect of a monster like that is really that important to True Son. Go rot in hell Disney.

Risk : [2]

This movie is once again drenched in the sloppy discharge of American Exceptionalism and Manifest Destiny. I have already gone into detail about how horrible the ‘both-sides’ argument is since it paints the past as an inevitable conflict where the genocide of the Natives was just an unfortunate side effect. The only reason this movie doesn’t get a lower score in terms of risk, is that there WAS actually some attempt to humanize the Natives. They are shown to have complex inner lives and for the most part True Son remains steadfast in his refusal to give up his upbringing. He still ends up ‘turning white’ by the end but his determination made him the only likable character. Even though it was handled poorly, this movie actually acknowledged the existence of the Native genocide rather than painting over it like Westward Ho, The Wagons! did.

Extra Credit : [2]

There was one scene that actually was fun to watch. After True Son has been pushed around by his awful family for most of the movie, he is reunited with one of his Native cousins and it is genuinely joyful. The two wrestle and run around laughing, just happy to be in each others company. It made me smile and I hate that it didn’t lead into True Son going home to be with the family that actually loves him. If this movie had the balls to pick a side, this could have been a really wonderful moment, but spoilers: It wasn’t.

Final thoughts:

This is easily the worst movie on this list so far. Worse than the true life documentaries and worse than Peter Pan. It has been a long time since I sat through a movie that I could describe as ‘genuinely hateful.’ You get the feeling that the people who made this movie actually hated Native Americans and set out to intentionally demonize another race. I didn’t even get around to talking about the bland love interest who ‘fixes’ True Son with love because as we all know the best way to cure racism is good old fashioned heterosexual marriage. The best way to sum up this movie is with this simple fact. The main characters name is True Son, but his biological parents want to call him “Johnny” The scene were he meets his biological mother for the first time, instead of hugging, or getting to know each other, the mother simply says. “Your name is Johnny, you won’t leave this room until you say your name and act like a civilized gentleman.” Her concerns are not about True Sons mental wellbeing or safety, she just wants him to act ‘white’ so SHE is comfortable. There is ZERO love between them and yet the movie frames this like a heartfelt reunion between long lost family. After this scene, no one calls him True Son anymore, not even his love interest. They all call him Johnny and it has the same vibe as a someone getting dead-named over and over until they finally submit. I hate this movie and what is worse, I don’t think this will be the worst movie I’ll watch by the end of this project. God help me, this movie took years off my life. If I have to watch something this bad again I will dig up Walt myself and beat his zombie ass senseless.

Total Score: 6/50

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Edit: I would like to make a minor note about this movie. It is implied through dialogue that True Son was not adopted by kidnapped by the Native Americans. Which does make his biological families desire to bring him home understandable... HOWEVER: The way the movie is shot and written, it is clear that True Son is happy and treated as an equal while in the tribe, and he is emotionally abused the moment he is brought into the white town. While he was not adopted in the text of the movie, it is clear that the movie frames and interprets True Son as an adopted child being ‘saved’ by his biological family. Either way Disney did a crappy job with this movie.

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doublestandards2020 · 4 years ago

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I am beyond disgusted with what this country has became. First of all, Facebook and Twitter are the most communist organizations I have ever seen. Americans seem to enjoy it anymore, the communism. In regards to masks I often hear “well China wears them so we can” why the hell do you want to be anything like a communist country? Could you imagine leaving your communist country to get away from shit like that, then ending up stuck somewhere on the east or west coast here with strict mask mandates and you go out of business over communist like lockdowns?

For those of you still functioning in denial that censorship is acceptable as long as its censoring what you specifically want, Poland is suing them over the censorship. Hmmm, a country that was censored and attacked by the Germans, is saying that it is wrong? Weird!

I never thought I would see something that resembles so much of the early Holocaust (keyword there is EARLY for those who are confused about the Holocaust and think it was only about killing Jewish people when it took years to get to that point, years of censorship and book burning Hitler did not start his first day off committing genocide, all it took was telling everyone the Jews were “sick” though) in my lifetime.

So, while other countries are having MASS protests against lockdowns and masks, basically every country in Europe not really Scandanavia because masks are not “mandated” only required, Americans are over here fighting a non existent race war. Literally white people fighting white people for the most part. If you want to give and land back as “respirations” by the way, news flash, this IS ALL NATIVE AMERICAN LAND!!! I guess Natives just do not whine enough, nor do they have a giant mob of white people with them burning down black owned businesses in their protests, you do not even hear about them because they actually protest peacefully. Or maybe people just do not give a shit because only 1% of the population is even over 5% Native American that is including every relative in my family since half of my family is full Native American. I am talking actually registered with a tribe, not claiming to be 1/64th Cherokee. So if you want to go there with the “African Americans are shot more based on their population” actually no, Natives are. If 1 Native American is shot a year by police (which there is always more than that they are so unimportant they are lumped into an “other” category) I live in a state where nothing but white people were shot 2 years in a row by police. My little brother got in a car wreck, has a pulse for 40 minutes, was only 15 miles away from the hospital and the police never took him to the hospital they just waited for his pulse to stop then threw his warm body in a body bag. How is that any better than what they did to Floyd, no they did not shoot either one of them but both lives could have been saved.

This morning I saw a man murdered his own mother and father, and a cop trying to save them, where is the outrage over things like that? Where is the outrage about the little girl playing in her yard who was shot by a black man simply since she was white? Where is the outrage for the woman who was shot point black in the head for saying “all lives matter” they did not even attempt to catch her killer. There has not been 1 update on that since summer 2020. Where is the outrage over the multiple black people, including a child, who were killed in the “no cop” zone in Seattle last summer? Why are they pursuing the capitol rioters as if they are serial killers, for taking selfies in the capitol while Minneapolis and Portland (I live in Oregon by the way I have seen Portland first hand) look like a third world country? Why does the cop who shot a capitol rioter, not even have to face trial? Seems to me people are 100% ok with murder, as long as it fits their race/political agenda. They base whether or not they are ok with murder on race and/or political affiliation.

Back to Scandinavia real quick, who has way better healthcare and a much longer life expectancy than USA by the way, they are recommending pregnant or breastfeeding women wait to take the experimental elixir still in trials until 2023. USA is over here shoving it down pregnant womens throat just like they do every jab. Its ridiculous. NOT every scientist agrees with this, just your little handful of pre selected elite the news shows does. Even Australia is making fun of us and they are quite the shitshow of their own. When other countrys’ news stations are being more honest than our own we really are not doing well as a nation.

Now back to the mask bullshit... how do you people function ignoring the fact that OVER 10 STATES HAD NO MASK MANDATES AND EVERYTHING WAS OPEN ALL YEAR! Are you that reliant on mainstream media you can not simply google, the statistics and mandates of other states? And see that states with no mask laws that have been fully open have no higher number, all the states that are constantly having the highest infected population and deaths are mask mandated democratic ran states. Dear lord... its like the huge majority of people who live in Democrat ran states start their day with CNN and NBC, and refuse to believe anything unless it comes out of Faucis mouth. Also very sick of hearing “where is your degree” when Bill fucking Gates has absolutely no medical training at all and is the “worlds best doctor” according to google. Its nauseating how delusional people are.

I am actually OSHA certified too I worked in a construction office for several years. According to OSHAs own handbook, anything smaller than 50 microns in size you need a fitted respirator for. Otherwise its useless. Men had to shave their beards for jobs where a “mask” was required with particles smaller than 50 microns to ensure it fit

For the record I don’t give a shit if you want to wear a muzzle, outside, in your car, whatever, put it on your small child (that one really gets me they even have to wear them outside for sports in Oregon) or inject yourself and your child with a jab still in trials until 2023, until you start demanding I do too. If your mask and jab work, don't worry about other people! You must not have very much faith in them. The same people who scream “my body my choice” about abortions are the same people demanding I wear a mask and take jabs not even approved. Even if it was approved, every single recall there is thousands, was once “safe and approved” by the FDA. People have way too much faith in these for profit organizations.

#scamdemic #double standards

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lessthanthreeman · 4 years ago

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Personal Post

I just wanted to write this because it’s been on my mind and I find it frustrating how few resources there seem to be about it. With Cinco de Mayo coming up, and Latino media being all around, I’m reminded that I’m technically of mixed descent, which to be clear, I’m pretty proud of. I was raised by my mother and her side of the family who are white through and through so for a majority of my life that’s what I identified as and where a lot of my mannerisms and cultural understanding comes from. I imagine it was probably for the best, particularly growing up on Long Island, especially considering I am VERY white passing.

I never met my father (who was Puerto Rican [though later DNA tests on myself reveal that genetically speaking he was predominantly Spanish, so white Hispanic)] and have no desire to. Literally, the extent of my knowledge about him is that he was ethnically Puerto Rican to some capacity. I genuinely believed that women just got immaculately pregnant on their own until I was 7 as I just assumed I didn’t have a father (it’s somewhat embarrassing to admit, even if I was young and how was I supposed to know? I didn’t understand what was so special about the story of Mary for a long time to put it mildly.).

I remember the night I found out so vividly. I was at a sports practice and the kids were talking about their dads. I proclaimed that I didn’t have one. One of the older kids informed me that that was impossible. I was honestly offended and went to our coach, who I assume didn’t know how to respond or why I would even ask (I don’t blame him), so he told me that I definitely have a father. Again, outraged, when I got back home I asked my mother about it who told me that I did have a father.I asked “Well if I have a father, that means I must be half something else” as she had grown up telling me her half and that the other half was “American” because I was born in America (lmao). She told me that I was Puerto Rican, which I didn’t have a problem with. I didn’t even know where that was (and I guess by some technicalities, she wasn’t wrong in saying I was “American”, just “American Territory”) so that was of little impact to me. I was furious that whoever my father was chose to have no part in my life and I felt nothing but bitterness, so when she asked if I wanted to know more about him, I said no. I still like to keep it that way if I’m being honest. I am still bitter and if the little snippets I’ve heard in hushed tones from my other family is any indication, I don’t want to know more about him even if I wasn’t.

So, I continued to consider myself exclusively white because that’s what other people considered me, that’s how I was raised, that’s what I look like and likely subconsciously because I was bitter and it did benefit me on some level. As it turns out though, my mother has a thing for Hispanic guys (a little weird I guess, maybe a bit fetishistic [I don’t know the extent and I don’t want to know so I can’t say for certain], but good for her I suppose) and she soon after got involved with another guy, my now pseudo-step father in all but legality really. He’s of Mexican and Puerto Rican descent, his father lived in Mexico (and has since gone back of his own volition), his mother (IIRC) lived in Puerto Rico, etc. He’s not deeply associated with his roots, he’s definitely “assimilated” having grown up in New York and California. He speaks broken Spanish, perfect English, and really is an American through and through, save for some more traditional cultural vestiges (which isn’t bad to be clear). He loves chihuahuas, sombreros, maracas, Mexican cuisine, Speedy Gonzalez etc. It’s somewhat superficial and a bit stereotypical, but I understand why he feels a connection to it as a very American man. It’s an easy way for him to very clearly connect to his roots, even if they’re not pieces of great cultural significance. Whether or not it’s problematic, I’m glad it gives him some of the connection he wants to his culture and it makes him proud.

Growing up around him and his kids, I felt a bit like an outsider, and I’ll probably admit, initially I was arrogant. I grew up being an only child (which definitely was a big shift to begin with) and couple that with the fact that I was still at that time an academic golden child in traditionally very (BIG quotes here) “polite” (Read: white) environments, I didn’t really jive with my brothers for a long time. As things went on though, I had my golden kid breaking point, crashed out a bit, eventually my mom moved in with him bringing me in tow, and I mellowed out a bit as I got over some teenage angst. During that time, I never fully connected with the heritage because it wasn’t mine, I’m not Mexican, but I understood and appreciated it. I can earnestly say, it is one of the cultures that I am the most fascinated and captivated by. I can go on and on and wax poetic about the historical achievements of Native peoples of Central America, their food, their ability to weather adversity, and their faith that things will get better. The culture is so much deeper than the “illegal immigrants” and cartel ties that we’re constantly shown in media, and I’m glad that to an extent things are slowly shifting to show the humanity of the people. But anyway, tangents aside, I’m still very culturally white and white passing, albeit with a better understanding of Latino cultures.

As more and more time goes on though, I am starting to feel like I’m a bit disconnected from a part of my culture and heritage, but I feel uncomfortable claiming it. Not because I don’t want people to know that I’m Hispanic, I have no issue with that, in fact I love whipping out that I’m sleeper Hispanic with a Hispanic family when people think they’re safe to be a little racist with me before I call them out on it. The reason is just because I don’t feel Hispanic enough and I’m too white, and it’s something I’ve struggled with for a while, but it becomes more and more obvious to me as time goes on. I understand that this is a really common issue for people of mixed races, particularly for those with mixed heritage upbringings. They feel adrift between two worlds and people are always looking for a way to categorize them into their preexisting schemas of how we view race in America. Some of what these people say when I’m looking for it resonates with me, but a lot of it also doesn’t. It’s not because my life is harder or I’m special or anything, but it is a very particularly niche scenario. I grew up almost exclusively white, it’s difficult for me to convince a lot of people that I’m more than white, I grew up with white privilege, and I never really had a Hispanic/Latino experience.

I want to be clear, this isn’t me crying about being white, particularly also being male, cis, and generally het. It’s been a privilege for sure that’s opened up a lot of doors that wouldn’t have otherwise been open to me, I’m sure, and I wish I could extend those same rights, opportunities, and safeties to everybody. That said, I feel like a complete outsider to those roots and feel dirty claiming them. Like I’m taking it away, diluting, or appropriating those cultural celebrations from the people who really deserve them. My experiences with the people and the culture is that they’re ecstatic to share it and have people take an interest in it. It’s generally very inclusive, friendly, and they love to treat you (or at least me as a very small boyish looking man) like family. It’s genuinely awesome. I can’t not think of myself as the generic white dude who works a boring office job and says every Spanish word with the whitest accent possible (to be clear I do work an office job, but I do a pretty solid job of pronunciation with EXCELLENT R rolls, trills, etc.) invading a space not made for me.

It’s a really complex topic, one that’s hard to fully articulate, which is what I’ve seen is a consistent thread in writings from mixed race individuals talking about their experiences. I’m friends with a surprisingly large amount of white passing Puerto Rican mixed race people and you’d think I’d talk about it more with them, but no. I probably should, but it’s a personal and somewhat intimate topic to just suddenly spring on people. For now though, I suppose I’m content to observe and appreciate Latin-X culture and people “from a distance” and amplify their voices as much as I can as a white passer.

#personal #mixed race

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ultimaa · 5 years ago

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OFFSIDE

Two shot

PART I

Summary: "You’re young, attractive and rich, but Martinique stands between you and the love of your life. Damn, I'm happy I'm not you."

Eren had two sacred rules during his holidays: no football, no social media and no England. These purposes involved moving a thousand kilometers from his apartment in Liverpool to enjoy a peaceful summer in his native Shigansina, a small town in southern Germany where everyone knew each other. There he was simply Dr. Grisha's boy. "Really? Come on, man, go to French Polynesia or Dubai," his partner Connie Springer said. "Shigan-what? Okay, don't mind me. I’m sure parties are great in your town..." Honestly, Eren spent his days off sleeping and playing video games. Sometimes he jogged — after all, he earned his salary thanks to his body — and drunk HB beer, but what he liked most was the feeling of making up for lost time. He loved football and played in one of the best clubs in the world, history would seat him at the same table as Ian Rush, Michael Owen or Steven Gerrard. He loved Anfield, but he was too young when he said goodbye to the field of earth soccer and was taken to Melwood, where his parents visited him once a month. At the age of twenty-six, with a brilliant career, Eren Jaeger returned to Germany like an elephant going to die in a cave, with his family, and then repeated the cycle of nostalgia. However, that year would be different.

The Jaeger couple celebrated their 25th anniversary and they organized a small party with relatives and close friends. Only Eren Kruger, best man, who was in a submarine five thousand meters deep, was absent. As for the others, they all attended: Zeke and Pieck, who had come from Berlin, Aunt Faye, Keith Shadis (Eren’s Godfather), Tom Xaver (Zeke’s Godfather), Hannes, Armin and his grandfather, Kuchel Ackerman (bridesmaid), Kenny Ackerman (usher) and Levi Ackerman. Grisha did not like parties, but Carla settled the discussion with a resounding statement: "Silver anniversary aren’t celebrated every day, darling."

While Hannes, old Arlet, Pieck and Kuchel made a beef stew and the couple danced to the sound of Wiener Blut in the sitting room, Eren opened a bottle of beer and toasted with Armin and Zeke.

"You’re the only one, brother," Zeke pointed out. "You’ll retire bachelor. With ten Golden Balls, but a bachelor."

"The golden bachelor," Eren corrected. "Hey, Armin, you're single too."

"Annie and I are taking some time." His best friend shrugged.

Zeke laughed. He was a cardiologist. "I understand the heart much better than you... in all aspects," he used to say. And it was probably true: he was married to Pieck and the ring did not bother him yet.

"Really? She has been in Australia for two months. Do you know how long Australians last in bed, huh? About seventeen minutes, behind only the Americans, the Canadians and the English. As for the Germans, only eight percent have participated in a trio. If I were you, I'd start to worry."

"Did you just tell me I'm a bad lover?"

"No. Statistics, Armin. Information."

"This dude is like that." Eren took a sip. "He throw the stone and hides the hand."

"I have no interest in offending the virility of the Germans. I'm German, in case you haven't noticed. Siegfried is my grandfather and every Friday I go drinking with Wagner, but not all women know how to appreciate the Central European charm. Also, Melbourne is one of the best cities to live."

"Annie is in Sydney."

"See? That's precisely the problem." Zeke finished his beer and put a hand on Arlet's shoulder. "You know exactly where she is, but does she remember you? When a woman puts fifteen thousand kilometers between her and her partner, she only has one goal: to forget. And while she builds her new beginning, you water her plants."

"I still wonder how you seduced Pieck," Eren said. "Did you take her to dinner with Kaiser Wilhelm and Angela Merkel?"

"Actually, she won me. Well, I fell into the trap. I thought I could escape later. I was wrong and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I ain’t immune to women either."

Zeke showed a wide smile. He was blond and had a magnificent bearing. When the waltz was over, he congratulated Grisha and gave him a beer. Then he hugged Carla and cleared his voice. They all looked at him.

"This woman you see here is suicidal: marrying a Jaeger is dangerous, but marrying a divorced Jaeger with a child is deadly. The first time I saw her I was seven years old and I thought: Will she be like Miss Rottenmeier? No, thanks to God. I had always been Ezekiel, but she started calling me Zeke and that's how my friends, my coworkers and my wife call me. In a way, he baptized me. She ain’t my father's wife or my stepmother. Sorry, Eren; Being an only child is wonderful, but she’s also my mother and I would like us to toast her, the woman who brought us together here today. Cheers! Who’s in charge of the music? Auntie, put Spring’s Voices on. Eren and I are gonna dance."

"Wonderful idea." Armin laughed. "Football? As Martha Graham said, dance is the hidden language of the soul."

"You bastards." Eren took his brother's hand.

"Don't step on my shoes."

Among the music and the wild laughter of Kenny and Hannes, Eren did not realize what was about to happen. No clairvoyant would have guessed it. He looked sideways and saw her appear: black hair, aviator sunglasses, and a cigarette between her lips. White rolled-up shirt, capri pants and strappy sandals. He lost concentration and Zeke roared with laughter. He knew, of course. The last time he saw her was on the eve of her trip to Martinique, where she had spent the past year. The waltz ended and they both bowed. Eren did not want to raise the head. Why had no one warned him?

"Levi told me she came back last night," Zeke whispered.

Eren did not even hear the applause. He quickly returned to Armin, who was chatting with Keith Shadis, a retired military man, about the Ardennes Counteroffensive and the Nuremberg Trials. "I am almost sure," said his friend, a historian, "that Franz von Papen died in '69."

"Mikasa is here," Eren hissed.

"I know," he nodded, "and I'm gonna greet her, she's my lifelong friend and I'm glad to see her. You should do the same. Don't think about what happened."

"Did you know? Armin!"

His friend approached her. Great. Eren slipped out into the garden with a couple of beer cans and sat down on a wooden bench. Pretend you don't care, he thought. It belongs to the past, that's it! Fuck! You have to call it by its name: pain. Before she left, they drank like a fish and ended up going to bed. That was last summer. They had not spoken about it since then. He could already hear wise and eminent Zeke Jaeger’s voice: "So you haven’t had a girlfriend since Christ was crucified, but you shag with your best friend. Da ya need to talk, Eren?" Shit! Maybe he needed to tell someone how much her decision to go to Martinique hurt when he declared her love. She had a degree in Arts, so she was offered to do a study about Paul Gauguin, who spent a time on the island. So Zeke would say: "The Caribbean? I'm sorry, brother, I'm so sorry. You and Armin can cry together."

Eren was in love with her. It is one of those truths that one understands with a broken heart. And this led him to reject the insinuations of several, too many women in recent months. There were rumors that he was gay.

"Look who's here: Reds’ Hunter," Mikasa greeted him. "Can I sit?"

"You can do whatever you want." Eren was not angry, but a little drunk. He scratched his right arm; Delacroix's Liberty was tattooed from shoulder to elbow; Lower down, on the forearm, Goya’s Colossus collapses the Berlin Wall. On the inside of the doll, an M. Again, he could hear his brother's voice calling him an idiot.

Mikasa sat next to him. Her skin was not as pale as before: Caribbean tan. The serious mouth was the same and the gray eyes had not changed. She had a fine scar on her right cheek.

"Congratulations on winning the Premier."

"Yeah, well, first in Liverpool's history." Eren groaned. "How did it go with Gauguin?"

"Excellently. Van Gogh said that Gauguin didn’t paint with the brush, but with the phallus. However, mayby he didn’t die of syphilis..."

"Are you kidding me? Do you congratulate me on the championship and talk about Gauguin's cock?" He let out a sardonic laugh. "If that's all you have to tell me after all this time..."

"This is neither the time nor the place".

"I don’t care. We fucked, Mikasa."

"I know. I was there."

"Really? Because sometimes I think about it and it seems a mirage. You've been avoiging the matter a whole year, a fucking year. You show up at my parents' party like nothing's wrong and talking about fucking Gauguin." Eren paused. "Annie is in Australia. Do you know how long Australians last in bed? Seventeen minutes. How long do Martinicans last?"

"I know what you're implying," Mikasa said seriously, "and you're wrong, Eren. You’re very wrong. Do you think I would be able to do that after sleeping with you?"

Carla Jaeger interrupted them; the meal was ready. They were not hungry, but an inexplicable feeling oppressed them: Eren's blood boiled; Mikasa's was frozen.

"When you want us to talk as adults, let me know," she said.

Adults! Eren said nothing. He sat between Zeke and Armin, who gave him a questioning look. Eren sighed and started eating. He remained oblivious to all the conversations, sharing looks with Mikasa, sitting next to her uncle Kenny. One year had passed and perhaps he was angry, but he winked al her. She smiled and caught the kiss Eren discreetly sent her, and showed her thumb.

"Okay," Zeke said, after wiping his mouth with a napkin. "Have I ever told you about friendship between men and women? No, because it’s impossible. Were you and Annie ever friends, Armin?"

"Huh… Yeah?"

"No. You wanted to have sex, but you didn't tell her."

"I know you know," Eren whispered.

"I’ve known for a long time. In fact, I knew it before you did, bro. You were like Heidi and Peter, and now, if you were alone, this would become Nine and a half Weeks.

For Zeke it was too obvious, but what about the others? Eren looked at them closely. They talked about politics, football, past... Levi was the only one who remained silent. He was not a very talkative man, unlike his mother and uncle. Kuchel and Kenny talked and laughed like no one else. As for Mikasa, whose premature orphanhood led her to grow up with them, her character was soft; silent, good listener and without his cousin’s curtness. Did she tell someone what happened? Maybe Sasha Braus? After the meal, Eren felt adult enough.

The whole evening passed pleasant between anecdotes and skat hands. Keith Shadis left around six in the afternoon; He had to return to Munich for work. As for the others, Carla insisted that they stay for dinner. While Grisha and Zeke had a scholarly conversation about the latest advances in medicine, Kenny was laughing loudly with Mikasa by his side.

"I never imagined that we would have an artist in the family."

"I'm an art historian," Mikasa pointed out.

"If God doesn’t give you children, Devil gives you nephews." Kenny lit a cigarette. "Ackermans have always been country people. Levi was the first to go to university; He was already a whiz since childhood. Fortunately, Mikasa followed suit.

"What is Martinique like?" Carla asked.

"Quiet. When it rains, goodbye internet and light, and of course I have to mention mosquitoes, humidity, heat and earthquakes," she paused, "but people are lovely and the landscapes are spectacular. They are exactly like on postcards. Oh, and the accra is very good."

"We could go on vacation, honey." Zeke looked at Pieck. "I'm tired of Sardinia."

"But you have to be careful with snakes," Mikasa continued, smiling. "I was bitten by a eyelash viper. Nothing serious, but I wouldn’t repeat the experience."

"One year has been enough, hasn't it?" Eren, who was playing cards with Armin, had his ears set on the conversation.

"Yes. For now I will stay here I’ll go to Munich in September to work at the Alte Pinakothek."

"It's fantastic," said Armin.

"And you’ll be close," added Kuchel.

So Munich. However, Mikasa commented on the possibility of another trip. She specialized in Impressionism and did not rule out settling in France. After dinner, when it was time to say goodbye, Eren pulled out his cell phone and wrote her a message: "Do you wanna talk?" She looked sidelong at him and replied, "Come home tomorrow. We will be alone." Jaeger thought about that last one; He smiled, pleased, and quickly typed, "Good."

They all left except for Zeke and Pieck, who would spend a few days in the village before returning to Berlin. It was like going back fifteen years ago, when they still crowd around under one ceiling. Carla loved having them all there. Her good character led her to have an excellent relationship with her daughter-in-law. Grisha was pleased with the situation; He played chess with Zeke for hours, in total silence. Eren used to watch them, attentive to the gestures, wondering how they could drag on a duel that long. And it all ended with one word: "Checkmate."

Zeke followed him into the garden with a cigarette on the lips. He had tried to stop smoking, but there are things a man can never give up, like mentholated Camel.

"You don't smoke, do you? What a pity. One or two cigarettes once in a while doesn't hurt anyone, Mr. Perfect Abs." Zeke blew out the smoke. "Munich. A wonderful city, especially in October."

"We’re gonna talk tomorrow."

"One day I take a look at the yellow press and I see you with Historia Reiss, and I think you're a lucky bastard. You’re young, attractive and rich, but Martinique stands between you and the love of your life. Damn, I’m happy I’m not you."

"I love you too." Eren frowned.

"I’m trying to help you. Don't screw it up, okay? A bad step now and you will regret it all your life." His brother clapped him on the back. "Now If you can excuse me, I'm going to make love to my wife in my fifteen-year-old room."

"I didn't need to know that."

…

Having the house to herself, Mikasa went down to have black tea. Frugal breakfast, as always. She felt like an intruder in her own town and jet lag was not benevolent. She wanted to stay in bed, she’s just got ants in her pants. She did push-ups and thought about the last exhausting year. Operation Gauguin, as she called it, had been a true odyssey. Fuck the Caribbean. She had missed Europe, her family and friends, but duty is duty. As for Eren, she could not reproach him for anything. He was angry. She should not have slept with him before she left; Mikasa kept thinking about it for a moment. Secrets and sex are a bad combination for consciousness. Besides, she left without saying goodbye. She behaved like a real motherfucker and would do it again: sentimentality is not advisable before a possible trip with no return. No, she couldn't listen to Eren's feelings before getting on the plane. Deep down, she suffered from the greatest weakness: love.

She lay down on the floor and closed his eyes. God, the cold slabs were nicer than any bed in the Caribbean. The woman forgot the physical and mental exhaustion when Eren touched the knocker. She took a breath and decided to improvise. The first thing Mikasa noticed was Dior's perfume. He was wearing an unbuttoned black polo shirt, gray jeans, and deck shoes. The three-day beard and dapper cut fit him very well. Those tropical eyes ... Shit!

Silence. Glances. It was inevitable. Eren closed the door behind him and received her kiss in a frenzy. Mikasa bit his lips, tugged at his hair. The man held her prisoner in his arms, sliding his hands down her back, her hips and her neck, anxious and needy. Their mouths were lost in each other's. Eren threw his head back and went deeper, searching for lost time. He licked her lips from corner to corner. The touch of tongues was deadly like a sword dance. They parted, face to face, panting, obscene. Mikasa wanted to make love to him in the middle of the hall and tell him how much she had missed him.

"Did you want to talk?" Eren planted another kiss.

"Yes," Mikasa replied. "I’m so sorry. I fucked up. I have a very interesting story to tell you, but I don't know if it will be more exciting than winning the English league."

"Ok, you know I prefer Monet, but..."

"It has nothing to do with Gauguin." Mikasa took his hand and led him into the living room. If she thought about it, it was a concise thing, but difficult to assimilate. Eren sat down on the sofa. She made him coffee and moved to his side, maturing the words in her head. "It's complicated. If you don't believe it, I get it. I’ve spent more time in Cuba than in Martinique. I haven’t done any study about Gauguin."

"What?" Eren looked at her seriously. "What's going on, Mikasa?"

"I've been working for Interpol for a couple of years. No one knows, only you. Crimes against cultural heritage."

"I don’t get it. What does that have to do with Martinique and Cuba?"

"During Nazism many degenerate works were plundered. Gauguin, Chagall, Klee... Some works were located last year. There was a certain black market for art among many American magnates. That is why I went to Cuba together with a team, to find out the whereabouts of some Gauguin works lost since 38."

"It’s definitely more interesting than winning the Premier." Eren drank from his mug thoughtfully, still amazed. "Was it dangerous?"

"Not much. At least not for me. My job is to see, evaluate and give a verdict, not shooting. Do you think I'm out there drinking Martini and driving an Aston Martin?"

"The idea excites me." The man touched the scar on her face. "And this? I don't remember it. It’s not on the maps that I have of your whole body."

"Then you will have to add it." Mikasa took the cup from him, put it on the table and leaned against him, kissing him calmly and sweetly. For a moment she thought she would never see him again, or maybe he would see her repatriated corpse with a bullet in the head. God! She hugged him and rested her head on his heart. Eren stroked her hair and she trembled at the memory. "It was a shot. I don't know how I'm still alive. I was so lucky..."

"My God," Eren whispered. "Why did you not tell me? Don’t trust me?"

"I know you. Worry wouldn't let you focus."

"Of course not. And now that I know why you left, it will take me a few weeks to recover from my fright. Damn, it hurt so much when you answered my messages as if nothing... I wanted to tell you about my feelings, but you always talked about trivial issues and I thought you didn't care what happened between us. Why?"

"I was scared. I didn't want to think about you or our plans. What would have happened to all those words if I had died? Look at this scar. It’s a miracle I’m still alive. It happened a few days after arriving. It shouldn't have happened, but it did. A rich man held a clandestine exhibition, I infiltrated and they discovered me. I didn't want to tell you that I love you and then die. I don't do things that way."

"And how do you do it?"

"Like this." Mikasa kissed him again.

#eremika #Eren Jaeger #Mikasa Ackerman #eren x mikasa #zeke jaeger #snk #shingeki no kyojin #AoT #attackontitan #fanfic

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feuilly-cakes · 4 years ago

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Twilight - review

I'm now revealing myself to be twilight trash, but let's talk about it! In this review you'll find the good, the bad, and the ugly (in list form even!) I know this story like the back of my hand, and this is a reread, so although I've only read this particular book once before, I can't be unbiased here. I am a more critical reader now than I was at 14 though, so hopefully this review counts for something. There will be a warning before the section with the spoilers if you haven't yet given in to the curiosity.

I loved it. I gave it 4*. I also found certain parts offensive. Some parts were very funny, and others just as dramatic as you'd expect from a book published for teens in 2005. The love story was, dare I say it, good. It's an enemies to friends to lovers, with a very quick progression on those last two. Both Bella and Edward acted just like regular teens around each other, and if there wasn't a vampire aspect involved it wouldn't have been criticised too heavily on the relationship front. I pretty much sped through the book, even with life getting in the way and pausing every 5 minutes to stick annotation tabs in. We are given a good amount of information about vampires, the history of the characters, and also the kinds of people these characters are. Aside from the offensive/insensitive parts, the entirety of which I will be listing below as I picked up on them, there are only a few moments of genuine real life creepiness not related to the Port Angeles scene right up until the epilogue, which made me very uncomfortable for reasons I shall be explaining. As a random note, I noticed 9 obvious instances of foreshadowing. She must have known where she was going with this series, or else that was a strange coincidence. The rest of this review will contain spoilers Let's begin with how this differs from the movie, since pretty much everyone has seen the movie. First and foremost, there are the characters - Bella and Edward specifically. Bella in this book is a typical teenager with a strong personality. As a child she had tantrums over going to Forks, saying she 'hadn't made a secret of [her] distaste for Forks.' She has a fierce temper, but she is also kind, frowning upon Jessica Stanley's judgement of Esme for adopting kids because she can't have any biologically. She's not vain but she cares about her looks, fussing over her skin being paler once she got to Forks - 'My skin could be pretty' 'I had no color here.' Sarcasm is her thing, and she despairs that none of her new classmates seem to get her sense of humour. She's friendly though an introvert, smiling and waving at everyone who greets her after a week of school while not knowing all of their names. She loves girls nights, and finds being around other girls 'invigorating'. She's independent and won't let Edward question that: "No, she did not send me here. I sent myself." However, she notices she has a very strong crush on Edward that is almost obsessive and finds it 'pitiful' and 'pathetic'. At least she's self aware.

Bella is very funny at times, especially when referencing her clumsiness (I won't spoil this because humour should never be spoiled). Bella is very smart and resourceful, but not in the obvious way. Schoolwork is a breeze for her because she's done most of it at her old school, but she's smart in other ways. It's Bella who figures out about Edward's mind reading abilities and questions him about it, and who flirts with Jacob Black to get information about the Cullens and why they aren't allowed on the reservation. It's Bella who tells Edward that men and women should be equal or as close to equal as they can, each saving each other the same amount of times. It's also Bella who feels that Mike Newton understands her, because they both were new in Forks at one point, and both lived in sunny places and probably both experienced the chain link fences and metal detectors that Bella was shocked were not at Forks High School. (Personally that threw me for a loop too, that schools could have metal detectors.) Edward is closer to the movie characterisation, but acts more like a typical teenage boy. He's moody but charming, awkward at times but also mischievous. At one point he cuts Bella off in the school car park and then deliberately stops his car to wait for his siblings, causing a queue behind them and giving Tyler Crowley the opportunity to ask her to the dance. He does all this to anger Bella, and it was absolutely hilarious. He flip flops between cheerful and broody, and finds Bella utterly fascinating. He is constantly relearning boundaries and ways to make Bella and himself feel more comfortable. An interesting aspect of his character that was definitely unintentional and handled poorly was the way he was coded as demi-sexual. He states that he has never wanted anyone before Bella, and his adoptive mother Esme thought there was something missing in him. As this is offensive I'll be bringing it up again later. Back to some positives, he likes to sing under his breath in a very fast speed that looks like his lips are trembling, and finds the heat of Bella's hands very pleasant. I thought this was cute, and I had to tab it for future reference. A not so cute thing is how he can 'dazzle' Bella by being close to her face and breathing on her. She describes this as her mind going blank, after which we see her agree to whatever he says while she is in this state. It's a bit creepy but he doesn't take advantage of it at first after being made aware of it, he only does so towards the end, which we shall get into later. He also hears the minds of others as a background hum that he can then focus in on, which I found interesting. Now, onto actual plot things that differed, we have Bella never buying that book on Quileute legends, instead simply flirting with a 15 year old Jacob to get his information and then combining that with a google search, and coming to her conclusions that way. Next, we have the Volturi being mentioned but not by name, firstly on vampires a-z in the section: 'Stregoni benefici: An Italian vampire, said to be on the side of goodness, and a mortal enemy of all evil vampires.' and then in a scene that wasn't a part of the film at all, wherein Edward and Bella are in Carlisle's office, talking about his history, and they are brought up simply as Carlisle's artistic friends from Italy. They are named but the word Volturi is nowhere in this book. In a similar vein, several backstories are revealed in this book that we didn't really get to see until later in the series. Bella gets some meaningful interactions with Jasper, who actually sits next to her and touches her to calm her down in the hotel. It's also implied somewhere in those chapters that Alice possibly knew about Bella planning to sneak off and let her go anyway. Finally, Bella is awake after the venom gets sucked out. This is important because she tells them that the venom is gone and thanks Edward before passing out. She was awake and aware the whole time, though in incredible pain. Another difference happens but I'll be discussing that with the other creepy things. Next, I would like to discuss a few things we learn about Vampires. Did you know that despite their physical perfection, a hungry vampire looks like they are recovering from a nose job? The bruises are very prominent, and likely not pretty to look at. Did you also know that they a venomous in the true sense of the word? Alice tells Bella that the venom is to incapacitate victims with the pain, and becoming a vampire is just a side effect, not the true function of the venom. The pain is there for a reason, and that reason is to torture victims with the burning sensation so they can't get away. These vampires may sparkle, but they aren't cute. I will never get the image of snake fangs out of my mind in conjunction to twilight vampires. Am I the only one who didn't realise the inherent creepiness of that because there's no mention of it in the films? Alright, now onto the offensive/ creepy stuff. I'll be bullet pointing these with elaboration where needed. -Bella refers to herself as an albino simply because she is pale. This one just didn't sit right with me, for reasons I can't explain. Stick with me here, it gets worse. -A casual comment about suicide: 'I guess he considered me old enough now not to shoot myself by accident, and not depressed enough to shoot myself on purpose.' This one is tricky, because everyone has made jokes like that, but it made me personally uncomfortable and didn't need to be in there considering the tone of the rest of the book. -Upon Edward talking to her again after the car park incident, Bella says this: "Do you have multiple personality disorder?" This needs no elaboration. Buckle up, it gets worse. -Jacob. He tells Bella his people's legends after she flirts with him, all the while telling her he didn't believe them himself. Then he asks her: "So do you believe we're a bunch of superstitious natives or what?" As someone who is not native american, I can't give a personal perspective here, but I don't believe this is something she should have had a native character say. Stephenie Meyer is a white woman and had no place essentially calling the people she culturally appropriated a bunch of superstitious natives. It was jarring to read that line knowing that it's not her culture and she has no right to say that, only someone from the culture has the right to say that. As I said, I'm not native american and I haven't looked deeply into what exactly she stole and changed, but I know she did it, so that can of course be a pretty major offence to many people. -She compares her clumsiness to being 'almost disabled'. Gross. -The watching her while she sleeps thing. Let's talk about it. She guesses he's been spying on her when he knows where the key is after the meadow date, and he says he's been watching her sleep. It's undoubtedly creepy, but Bella isn't concerned about that. Oh no, she's concerned about what he heard while she was sleep talking. She actually seems unbothered by the stalking aspect, which is why I think these actions flew under the radar for so many people. If Bella thinks it's fine then it must be fine, right? This should have been handled differently. -The Aphobia. Edward tells Bella that Esme was 'afraid that there was something missing from [his] essential makeup'. This is really harmful, but it wasn't intentional. I have no doubt that Stephenie Meyer had no clue and perhaps still has no clue that asexuality is a thing and that she accidentally made Edward demisexual, by simple fact of him being interested in no one before Bella. Nonetheless, it needs to be warned for. -There are heavy implications of p*dophilia here, by choice of language. Regarding Bella's class, full of people her age. Edward calls them a 'class full of children' then on the next page calls Bella 'an insignificant little girl' and then a few chapters down he calls jacob a 'child' to which Bella responds that he is not much younger than she is and Edward cheerfully replies that he knows. It's beyond creepy and I wish it wasn't there, because if it had gone the opposite way of Edward making old man jokes it could have been funny and not horrifying to think about. -Lastly though not leastly, the epilogue. All throughout the book Bella has under no circumstances wanted to go to prom. She is tricked into going to prom. Alice sees the future, Edward reads minds, they knew she wouldn't want to go but bamboozled her into going anyway, and when she starts shouting and crying, Edwards tells her "Don't be difficult". This is creepy and horrifying, that they are taking away her agency and treating her like a child when she tries to refuse. Although she goes and has a goodish time, it still wasn't right to force her into that position. Thus concludes this review, and I leave you with the knowledge that if you read this you get to see the part where Charlie Swan tells Bella that Carlisle Cullen is very attractive. Good day.

#twilight #stephenie meyer #book review #book blogger #twilight trash #book rec #books and literature #vampires

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