#but my anxiety is making me physically ill these days so I think I need to step back ♡

[themarvelliteraryuniverse]

♡ Official Hiatus ♡

[phagodyke]

I slept rly deeply last night even tho it took me a while to get to sleep but I think that was bc I had acid reflux and I'd been playing videogames too late not anything else.... still only got 6 hrs but doing pretty okay all things considered 😚

[letters-to-lgbt-kids]

My dear lgbt+ kids, 

I had a panic attack in my kitchen the other day. 

It was a really warm evening, I was making dinner in the kitchen and I noticed I felt a bit weird. At first I didn’t pay it much mind, I was probably just annoyed at having to stand at the hot stove in this weather, but then the thought crossed my mind “What if I falsely believe this is some harmless discomfort and I’m actually having a heart attack?” - and those of you who struggle with health anxiety as well can surely imagine it was all downhill from there. Suddenly I got dizzy and my chest hurt and I felt like I couldn’t breathe… 

And I said to myself “These are all the symptoms of my usual panic attacks, these aren’t new or unusual symptoms that require me to get medical attention right now”, so I turned off the stove and did the first aid I learned works for my panic attacks:

I went to the fridge and got an ice cube and held it in my hand, until that sensory stimulation snapped me back to reality. And when I could think clearly again, I felt safe enough to do a deep breathing exercise and go through my “Why do I feel so shitty” checklist (checking for unmet physical needs I may not be consciously aware of), and I realized I was dressed way too warmly for the weather, so I changed into something lighter - and then I went back to making dinner. My “heart attack” was just me overheating and then my anxiety attaching a wrong interpretation to that. 

That’s a pretty boring story, right? Nothing dramatic happened. But that’s exactly why I share it with you. 

When you’re young and mentally ill (or if you have been freshly diagnosed with it, at any age), a common fear is that it’ll stay. You’ll be like this forever now, you’ll never go back to normal. And so positivity often focus on recovery, on “it’ll go away one day, you just gotta be strong until then”. And maybe it will! Mental illness is a pretty vast umbrella term, some conditions under it can be cured completely. 

But I wanted to share another perspective here: even if it won’t go away, even if it indeed stays forever because it’s a chronic condition or a treatment-resistant one (or because you learn, after years of wondering why your depression and anxiety won’t go away with traditional therapy, that you’re actually autistic and need a completely different approach than a neurotypical patient (hi, it’s me)) .. it won’t feel like it did at the beginning forever, simply because it’s no longer so new. When it’s new, you have no blueprint on how to deal with it. It’s a situation you’re thrown into with no prior training - of course you feel completely lost and hopeless! 

Mental illness is a real illness and as any illness, it’ll affect your daily life - but over all those days, you learn more about it. You try things to cope with the symptoms and realize that some techniques work better for you than others. Even if you can only learn to manage it rather than cure it: you figure out how to deal with it better. You draw your blueprint. 

It’s still part of your life but it’s no longer the showstopper. It becomes just a boring story of stopping dinner to take care of your symptoms first. And that’s something to hope for, to fight for. 

With all my love, 

Your Tumblr Dad 

[mydearesthrry]

right back home to you - h.s.

a/n: had a hard time deciding if i wanted to put this out since im not too happy with the outcome but i wanted to feed u guys. in the future ill probably go back in and edit it but for now i hope you all enjoy this little angsty girl xx im also working on part 2 of love in secret !!!!!!!!!! she should be out fairly soon <3

wc: 4.8k

warnings: none, angst, fluff, flight anxiety

“Hello? ‘M home,” Harry shouted into the cold house. Not that he would even notice, but the air was dull and the atmosphere was still, hues in the normally vibrant house now gray and lifeless. “Baby?” 

“Oh, hi Harry,” A dulcet smile was on her face as she walked around the corner with sweatpants and a baggy hoodie on, a baseball cap on top of her head. She had her dirty and beat up air forces on her feet that Harry loved to make fun of, small dollops of paint on the soles of the shoe. She also had a pair of sunnies that lay stagnant on the dark blue visor, a tell tale sign for Harry that she was going out. “I didn’t hear you come home.” 

Harry hummed, holding his arms out for her to walk into. She did, but only embraced him with half of her body, one arm curling around his waist loosely while the other stayed swaying by her side. In both of their opinions, it was way too short to even be considered a hug, not even close to being an embrace, but Y/N did it purposely. Harry frowned, feeling a twinge of hurt at her unusual lack of affection. “Um… Are y- are y’going out?” 

She laughed falsely, shaking her head and turning her body to face the large windows in their apartment. “Yeah, I guess you could say that.” 

Harry was still confused. “What d’you mean?” 

It’s now or never, Y/N thought, and mustered her bravest smile as she pivot turned to face him again. “I’m leaving, Harry. I’m going up to New York to stay with Eliza. I don’t know when I’ll be home, but I’ll be sure to let you know in advance, is that okay?” 

A few beats pass, Harry staring at her in disbelief. “What the fuck? No, no, s’not okay! Why- why are y’leaving? Y’didn’t even tell me? When were you planning on telling me y’were leaving?” 

“I’ve been planning on leaving for a long time, Harry. I was actually meant to leave before you even got home, really, but you’re early.” She sighed, rubbing at her temple and knowing the fight that was about to ensue. 

“Why are y’leaving?” Harry’s voice started to grow in volume, becoming harder and harsher as he tightened his hands into balled fists, trying to channel his feelings in another way rather than yelling at his girlfriend. 

“I’m leaving because I can’t do this anymore, Harry. I cant keep arguing with you every day, it’s just not fair to me. And it’s not fair to you either, really, so I’m just… taking the stress off of the both of us and making the bold decision to leave.” She explains, moving to grab her suitcases from the hallway and roll them into the living room. 

“That’s wha’ this is about? The fight we had last night?” He asks, eyes widening and mouth drying at the sight of her multiple suitcases. 

“Um— not entirely, I guess. I’ve meant to go up to visit Eliza, if you remember, we were going to but you had um— a party, that you needed to attend. So I just decided to book a flight last night after you went to sleep.” She's as quiet as a mouse, her words not staggering but it was physically obvious that she was nervous. 

“So what now? Is that it? You’re just… throwing away four years of my- of our fucking life?” Harry spat. She’d started to shrink into herself quite a bit, sweaty palms running over the now warm black handle of her small suitcase. 

“I’m not throwing away anything, Harry. We had a fight, you and I both said some nasty things, and I’m just going up to my sister's house for a little bit to clear my head. Like I said, I was meaning to go up anyway. This isn’t really about you, Harry, as much as you think it might be. I’ve been miserable here all alone and all I want is to be with someone who I know can provide me with love and attention right now, which is what I need. You need it too.” She tried to hold her ground but the tremble in her soft voice made her feel weak. 

She and Harry had gotten into a multitude of arguments within the past weeks that he had been off tour. It started from little things, like a sock being thrown over the laundry basket and not inside of it, or one of them leaving their dirty tea mugs on the counter when the sink was right there! But as small and insignificant as these things were, they also grew into arguments about bigger issues. One of the more nasty arguments had pushed her to pack her bags and book a plane ride up to her sister’s house in New York. 

The argument on the table this time around was that whenever Harry was home after an elongated amount of time on the road, he would treat Y/N as if she was his friend and not girlfriend of three years. She’d had a problem with this seeing as all she ever wanted him to do was love her and take care of her, and for some reason she couldn’t help but feel he found that hard. 

“Bullshit. I know y’leaving ‘cause your feelings got hurt or whatever, but you know y’don’t have to leave, pup. We can resolve this, don’t we always?” He grumbles, taking a few small steps forward to meet her where she stood by the door. 

“It’s entirely different this time, Harry.” She sighed, bending down to sit on the floor since she knew they’d probably be there for a while. 

“How?! How could this be any fuckin’ different? We’re jus’ arguin’ are we not?” Harry runs a stressed hand through his hair, trying to channel his energy away from his voice. Though he tried to refrain from allowing his anger to seep its way into his voice, his girlfriend could still pick up on the edge that lined his vocal chords. 

“No, baby. We aren’t just arguing. This is me trying to tell you how I feel, and you keep pushing it aside. So this isn’t just us arguing anymore, I guess I’m surrendering. I’m tired of doing this with you whenever you’re home, Harry. I’m alone every day, 24/7, and then you come home and it’s like nothing has changed. Which I love, I love how we can just bounce back, but sometimes I need more love or attention when you come back, and I just…” She starts to gnaw on her lips, trying to word her next thought carefully. “I’m tired of being treated like your friend rather than your girlfriend.” 

“What?” 

“Mhm. Besides me being alone all the time, whenever I do have you— or people around, you only ever want to keep me at arms length. The whole world knows we’re together, Harry. You’ve posted on my birthday and it’s no secret to anyone anymore. I… I just can’t understand why you do that, really. It makes me feel like I’m just your friend and not your lover.” She pauses, inhaling a sharp breath of air and willing her tears away. 

“What do you— what do you even mean? I’m always with you whenever I’m home, I bring y’everywhere w’me?” His anger just kept growing and growing, but this time he noticed that the weight of guilt that was sitting on his heart had gotten heavier with every breath he took, the weight of the pull almost being able to bring him to his knees.

She lets out a wet laugh, shaking her head before dropping it in defeat. “Harry… I hate to bring it up but— you’ve been home for what, three weeks now? We haven’t had sex, we barely have cuddled, you don’t put your arm around me in public or kiss my cheek. I— I feel like I’m losing you. It’s so hard to love you when you won’t let me. I’ve tried to be understanding and just trying to accept the fact that you’re readjusting to our normal life but… I miss you. The only time we talk for longer than a few minutes is when we fight, and that’s not okay. You know how much you mean to me, but I just can’t keep trying to love someone you aren’t anymore. It’s just too destructive to me and I just can’t. I’m sorry, Harry. I hope you can understand, and I’ll be back whenever we’re ready.” 

Harry’s now shaking with sobs. Uncontrollable, messy, heartbreaking sobs. Her words were finally making sense to him. All of the arguments had finally made sense. She was arguing with him just so he would talk to her. He thought he could die with the amount of guilt squeezing his heart right now. 

“I love you, isn’t that enough?” He whispered. 

“I don’t think it is anymore, Harry.” Lifting herself up to her feet, she rolls her suitcase to stand behind her, taking a few small steps to be inches away from her Harry. “I’ll be back, H. I promise.” 

Placing a kiss to his wet cheek, he watched her walk away with a damp smile, and against his will, engrained the image of her leaving to his mind. 

This wasn’t how he imagined they would end. 

He didn’t even entertain the thought of them ever ending; but now he feels like he just lost every single atom of his being in the quickest of moments. 

—

It was hell. 

Harry could say with full conviction that it was absolute hell to be in that house, that big house on the beach, alone. 

Nothing felt right. From the second he woke up in the morning, to the minute he slid his legs under the covers at night, he almost felt nauseous because of how unusual he felt. How unusual everything felt. 

And it was all his fault. 

Picking up his phone, he goes to text his sweet girl again when he decides to scroll up to find the reprieve of gray amongst the sea of blue. 

Harry: Please text me when you land. 

Harry: I love you, please don’t forget that. 

Harry: Take all the time you need, Angel. I’m here if you need me. I’m so sorry.

Harry: I’ll be waiting for you when you get home. Just say the word and I’ll get you a ticket. 

Harry: Take your time though, please be safe. I love you.

Harry: Again

Y/N: just landed. kinda busy rn, talk to you later bug

Harry: That’s okay, be safe. ❤️

Y/N loved this message

Harry: I love you 

Y/N: yeah love you too h

Allowing his head to drop onto the back of the sofa, his arm fell limp onto his thigh, his green eyes scanned the interior of the living room, twinges of pain and guilt panting in his chest whenever he’d land his gaze on something that was proprietarily hers. 

Her growing orchids in a handmade pot that they’d painted together on their first Valentine’s Day as a couple. 

The godawful mirror she thrifted from a random corner store back in her hometown that she begged Harry to put up. 

A small canvas filled with tiny paintings of inside jokes and memorable dates that she gifted to him last Christmas. He allowed himself to trace over that painting for a little longer than the rest of the small things placed among their living room. 

11/29/19. The first time they met. 

1/16/21. When Harry asked her to be his girlfriend. 

4/07/21. The first time they said I love you. 

12/25/22. When Harry surprised Y/N on Christmas with a down payment on a house. The one he was now residing in, alone. 

A red convertible figurine, the car they first kissed in. 

A coffee cup and a teacup, symbolizing the first date they went on, where he learned she hates tea and preferred coffee, which led to an argument on whether coffee or tea was better. 

A small tulip, representing the first bouquet of flowers he ever bought her. 

And a small pearl ring, an exact replica of the promise ring Harry had given her on their 3 year anniversary. 

He didn’t even notice the streaks of tears beginning to run down his face until he felt a teardrop fall onto his inner wrist, making him look down. 

But as he canvassed the room once more, he perked up at the sight of a small snow globe that she brought him back from New York, and that was when he got an idea. He knew it was dramatic, and a bit of a stretch, but who said he wouldn’t go to extreme lengths to get his soulmate back?

Yeah, no one ever. 

To: Eliza

Harry: Hey Liz, got a sec?

—

Harry hated flying alone. 

Since he was a teenager and stepped foot on his first plane, he was anxious even being next to someone he barely knew even though his friends were two seats away. Though he would claim that he’s always been a bit anxious and just chalking it up to flight anxiety, he knew that the real reason why he hated flying alone was because he always feared that something bad would happen on the ground when he was in the air and vice versa, and that was always his greatest vice. 

His hands began to tremble nervously as he looked out the window of the airplane, seeing nothing but fluffy white on the exterior and the soft red light of the aircraft’s wings blinking every so often. His headphones were placed over his head, smushing his curls down flat onto his head, a mask covering the bottom half of his face. His hood was pulled up as well, trying to conceal himself as much as possible. He hadn’t brought much, just a little carry on and a small tote to shove under the seat in front of him. It was wishful thinking that he wouldn’t be there for a long while, but he brought the keys to his apartment in New York anyway. 

He kept his head hung in nausea, the speed of his shaking hands increasing tenfold. The pit in his stomach grew and he had to beg his own body to allow his eyes to not stray to the window next to him. Sure, he could close it, but he feared if it was too dark he would become more anxious than he was right now. The mask covering the bottom half of his face now felt constricting— as if he was being suffocated by the thin layer of fabric. The light douse of perfume that danced around the sunflower print of the mask couldn’t even distract him, and it only pained him more that his senses were fully encompassed by her. He bit down on his lip to distract himself by the whirling feeling of nausea that now swirled around in his throat, willing away the sick that begged to come out.

The rest of the flight was the same, his anxiety only decreasing when he allowed himself to take a small nap. However, when he woke up, his nerves had heightened when he flickered his gaze from the window to the screen in front of him, reading only 20 minutes until he was set to touch down. Grasping his phone from his hoodie pocket, he aligned it to his face then rolling his eyes when he remembered he had a mask on. Lowering his phone he typed in his password— Y/N’s birthday— and pulled up their messages again. 

Harry: Good morning baby. I love you. I hope you have a good day today!! 

Y/N: thanks h love you

He couldn’t lie and say that her being short with him didn’t hurt his feelings, because it did. He wasn’t going to avoid the fact, but that didn’t mean that he liked it regardless. He felt like a fool checking his phone so often, especially when he knew that she wouldn’t be making an effort to reach out first, but he could be hopeful, right? 

At least that’s what he’s telling himself. 

The plane landed safely, nerves rolling off of his back in waves and he was more than happy to leave his flight anxiety on the floor of the plane, relieved to not be miles high in the air. There was a lull that was obvious to Harry, and he felt himself switch to function in autopilot, waiting mindlessly to enter the aisle to retrieve his bag from the overhead compartment. 

The nippy New York air was the first thing to snap Harry out of his trance. Looking down at his phone, he felt a soft buzz and soon after felt his heart beat almost fast enough to eject from his chest. 

Y/N: saw this in a store earlier, thought of u

Y/N: Attachment: 1 Image 

Eliza: waiting near terminal b for you, lmk when you get outside 

Harry: I’m outside, can you see me?

Eliza: yep. be there in a sec

Swiping out of Y/N’s sisters messages, he went to click on Y/N’s before a black car stopped in front of him, averting his attention from his device to the car that just screeched to a halt. Taking a deep breath to calm himself, he trudged forward and grabbed onto the door handle, prying it open and avoiding Eliza’s deathly stare. “Um- hiiii.” 

She scoffed. “Hi, H.” 

He throws his tote to his feet, awkwardly buckling himself in and turned in his seat, avoiding eye contact but making sure she knew that conversation was open if she’d wanted to make it. “How— um… How are you?”

Silence follows his words for a few seconds, making him heat up in embarrassment. “Good.” 

“Oh- that’s good… I, um— haven't seen y’in quite a while, Lizzy,” He says softly, guilt evident in his voice. “I missed you.” 

Eliza was basically Gemma’s best friend. They were attached at the hip the first time they met, bonding over being the eldest sisters, and shared secrets. Y/N and Harry’s family had always been interconnected, close with each other even if Y/N and Harry lacked that communication. 

They were basically soul tied in every sense of the phrase. 

“Yeah, I missed you too, H. But,” Eliza starts. “You’ve been a right dick to my sister.” 

“I know,” He whispers. 

“Do you? Fuck, H, my fucking baby sister came to me crying because of you. And you know how much I love you, truly, you know I do, but I love her more. So, I just have to ask,” She pauses, gnawing on her lip and clicking her blinker on to signal her turn. “What the hell happened?” 

“I,” He sniffs, trying to contain his emotions already begging to come out. “I don’t know.” 

Eliza snorts. “Bullshit.” 

“I— I really don’t, Lizzy. I guess I was really in m’head about… well, everything. I lo- love her so much,” Harry’s voice cracks, his facade shattering into more microscopic pieces than the most delicate sheet of glass ever could. 

“I know you do, H. That’s why this is so confusing to me. To Gems. And most importantly, to Y/N. What happened, Curly? How’d we lose you?” She begs, trying to get him to explain where he was mentally. She loved him as she would Y/N, which was the hardest part. It hurt her as much as it hurt him to confront him about the issue. 

“I don’t want her to hate me! Okay?” Harry sobs, chin falling to his chest in weakness. “I don’t want her t’hate me for being away all the time, and I’m so fucking scared. ‘M scared because the press is doing nothing but talking bad about me and I don’t know if I can equally protect her as much as she does me when this happens. When it happens t’me I jus’ ignore it, but I know she can’t do that. I know it, Lizzy, and so d’you.” 

“I know, H. I know.” She whispers. 

“I jus’ wanted to keep her as far away as I could so that if she did decide she didn’t want me anymore, it wouldn’t hurt as bad.” He murmurs so quietly, he himself even doubts if he said it out loud. 

Silence followed the rest of the car ride, the only sound filling the space of the vehicle being the soft splatter of rain on the glass windows and windshield, paired with the crackly static of the stereo. The sun even seemed to be hiding away, the sky dark with clouds, little to no light making an appearance to greet Harry’s arrival. 

Pulling up to her driveway, Eliza parked the car, keeping her ignition on so she could drive away after Harry got into the house. Turning to Harry, she chewed on her bottom lip as she traced his side profile with her eyes. “You need to tell her exactly what you told me. Word for word, Harry. You can’t keep her in the dark. She doesn’t even know I went to pick you up. So, just promise me that you’ll tell her exactly what you told me.” 

“I promise.” Harry’s voice cracked in a broken whisper, vocal cords thrumming against each other as if they were rusted. “Love you, Lizzy. Thank you.”

Stepping out of the car, he knocked on the door thrice, and tapped softly on the doorbell for good measure. His hands had gone cold with anxiousness, but he wrote it off as the stark cold weather of New York. 

“Harry? Oh my god, baby, get inside,” Y/N pulled him in immediately, pushing his thick puffer jacket off of him that was shiny with rainwater, hands coming up to pull his baby blue beanie from his hair, revealing his soft curls. They shared no words as she pulled him to the living room, where she sat the both of them down and covered the length of their torsos and legs with a big fluffy blanket. Y/N didn’t waste a second before she threw her legs over his thighs, grabbing his hands and rubbing over the cold and cracked red skin, trying to exude as much warmth from her own as much as she could. 

She’s always been warm. 

Her hands have always been graced with heat and more significantly, she always tended to carry around an aura as sweet as honey and as warm as a hug with her wherever she went. Bringing their hands up to his lips, he presses kisses all over the back of hers, kissing her knuckles and fingertips that moved erratically over his own. She could feel the dry chap of his lips on her hands and down to her wrists but she didn’t care. She didn’t mind one bit. She would rather commit the feeling of his lips on her hands to memory rather than not know what they felt like at all. 

“What’re you doing here, baby?” She asks, concern etched in her face as she lifts her head to look at him, her movements on his hands not staggering or slowing. 

“Came t’see you,” He whispers weakly. “Couldn’t bear it. I need t’see you, hold y’again… Fuck, do jus’ about anything to be near y’again.” 

Her heart twisted with the most intense emotion that she could only describe as heartbreak. “You— you got on a plane by yourself just to come see me?” 

“Would do jus’ about anything f’you, sweet girl. Of course I would go on a plane jus’ by myself if it meant I could hold you.” He admitted. He avoided eye contact with her, keeping his eyes trained on their conjoined hands that now lay stagnant on the soft fabric of the blanket. 

“Harry,” She whispers. “Why are you here, my love?” 

“I felt too guilty t’let you leave like that,” He says, gnawing on his bottom lip to will away the tears begging to escape. “I couldn’t let y’go without telling y’I loved you. And I didn’t…” He pauses, struggling for air as he over explained. “I didn’t even explain m’self. I didn’t tell you I loved you. I didn’t kiss y’back. I didn’t even tell y’to be safe.” 

He’s fully sobbing now, Y/N tracing his side profile with his eyes, jittering with fear and anxiety. “It’s okay, hey, baby, listen,” Grabbing his chin with the tips of her fingers, she turns his head to hers, resting his forehead atop of hers. “It’s okay. I forgive you. I just needed time to think and I didn’t want to lash out on you because I didn’t have time to. We’re okay, baby. I promise.” 

He shook his head while she spoke, tears falling on the fluff of the blanket with every movement. His eyes were clenched as if he was in pain, and uneven erratic breaths fell from his mouth. “Nonono. I should— should’ve listened to you. I did- didn’t mean t’treat y’like tha’,” Harry’s accent had gotten heavier with how much emotion he was feeling, stumbling over his words as if he was drunk. 

“And I should’ve explained myself more. It’s not your fault, H. Please baby, breathe,” She begged, tightening her grip on his hands as she pleaded with her nose slotted next to his, every whispered beg pushing her lips forward to lightly brush against his raw-bitten ones. “There, that’s it.” 

His breaths began to even out, just the slightest bit. His hands still shook dramatically, veins in his neck that once protruded from the force of his cries now retracting. “I’m sorry.” 

“Harry, stop apolog-“ 

“No. I have t’say this before I leave because if I don’t, I don’t think I ever will. I— I didn’t mean t’push y’away. I was trying to protect m’self but I didn’t see that it was hurting y’too. It wasn’t my intention, and now I realize it wasn’t the right thing t’do.” He sniffles, pulling back from her face to hold eye contact for the utmost emphasis on his words. 

“I tried to keep you far away because if you ended up resenting me for being away all the time it would hurt less if you decided to leave me. Paired with everything that’s being said in the media about m’right now, I tried t’keep y’as far away as I could so that if everything came crashing down on me, I would’ve had to cope with losing y’less than everything else. And I kept picking fights with y’so that if— or when y’got too fed up w’me, you’d leave me yourself instead of something else forcing y’to leave me. I think it was all subconscious, seeing how I freaked out on y’when y’told me you were leaving. I guess I didn’t really prepare myself for when it was really going t’happen. I’m really, really sorry, Angel. I really do hope y’can forgive me.” 

She’s silent. It scares him, he can’t lie. He takes her silence as an answer and pulls his hands from her grasp and moves her legs softly off of his thighs, standing up and brushing off his pants in an attempt to stall. She’s still mute, and he takes it as his cue to go. There’s still tears streaming down his face, but they’re silent. Like he doesn’t even want to acknowledge that they’re falling at all. 

“I love you.” He whispers, before turning and walking to the door. Placing his hand on the knob, he turns it, and his heart follows the motion with a sharp twist that he thinks he feels in his entire body. He’s gnawing in his lip to avoid breaking down in front of her, even though she’s arguably seen him at his worst and most vulnerable times. Opening the door, he’s greeted with the harsh cold air, biting at his skin so aggressively he feels like his tears have now frozen to his face. Bearing the pain, he forced himself to take the step out the doorway and onto the porch, on autopilot as he let his feet decide his motions. 

“Harry, wait,” Y/N pleaded, running out behind him, meeting him in the middle of the driveway in nothing but tiny shorts and a stolen crewneck of his that she'd haphazardly stuffed into her luggage. “I love you. I love you more than I could probably ever explain, and I— I just need you to know that. If you’re done with me or done with this, that’s okay, I just need you to know that I love you.” 

“I love you. Always.” He whispers, lips trembling with sadness. 

“You know I always will, right?” She asks, placing a warm hand onto his wet and cold cheek.

“I know, baby. I do.” He says. 

“I’m here whenever you want me. I promise.” She pleads, coming up to reach his lips, placing a soft kiss to his cold ones. 

“Come home, please.” 

“Always, H. I’ll always come right back home to you.”

[gorgonwrites]

neuvillette headcanons

NSFW below the cut! minors DNI. 18+

author's note: ME AND BESTIE BACK AT IT AGAIN! oh gods, this beautiful dragon man. he deserves everything and then even more. my best friend and i are probably going to do more headcanons for more genshin characters, so expect those from me soon. enjoy! <3

So shy and timid when it comes to showing affection for another person. He’s always learning, but love is a foreign feeling to him. 

We already know it, but the man is the most respectful damn gentleman you’d ever find. Always opens doors for his partner, has his hand on the small of their back to guide them, and he offers his arm when out walking. He speaks gently, and is an excellent listener.

Has a serious shrimp allergy. He doesn’t feel like he’s missing much, though.

He hates being the center of attention, and it can even cause some mild anxiety if he’s caught off guard. Sure, he’s the Iudex and Sovereign of Fontaine, but if he’s not in the courtroom don’t expect him to draw attention to himself. 

Always sneezes in threes–  no more, no less. He has a dedicated handkerchief he carries with him everywhere to cover his mouth, and is always as quiet as possible as to not draw attention to it. If he’s in court and it happens, the entire audience blesses him. He used to ignore it, but he’s grown quite fond of the gesture and takes it as a small human act of kindness. As a result, if he’s ever in earshot when someone else sneezes he’s the first one to give them a blessing. He never skips over an opportunity to sow the seeds of kindness wherever he goes.

He’s learning how to cook. Not horrible at it, but he loves the idea of food inspiring community. He dreams of gathering the people he cares about most and cooking them all a yummy meal one day.

Can sing! And has such a pretty voice. He also has an affinity for most musical instruments he picks up. He’s quite used to the melusines asking him to sing them to sleep. 

Hardly ever gets sick (he does get stress fevers quite easily), but is used to caring for himself if he needs to. The first time he lets his partner care for him when he’s ill, he almost chokes on the vulnerability that starts to creep out of his bones.

Loves his hair being brushed or played with. This is another instance where he begins to feel vulnerable– he tries to avoid the feeling the best he can, but as he grows comfortable with his partner, he allows the feeling to make a permanent home in his chest. 

He loves being held. Even as big as he is, nothing stops him from curling up into his partner's arms to let his work fade away from his whirling thoughts. He has to grow accustomed to the closeness at first, but soon he can’t end a single day without at least having a few quiet moments in his partner’s embrace.

Receiving love, Neuvillette needs physical touch, quality time, and acts of service. He gives words of affirmation and acts of service to show his love. 

nsfw below <3

Has a beautiful blue marking between his belly button and his cocks that depicts his sovereign symbol.  

Neuvi’s ears, neck, and horns are extremely sensitive. Don’t mess with them unless you’re ready to have your brains fucked out. 

Has a praise kink (giving and receiving). Any kind of encouragement goes straight to his dicks. 

On that note- he absolutely has more than one cock. He’s usually so gentle, but if he’s worked into a frenzy he might just try to shove both cocks in at once. 

Has a rut cycle. When he’s not in his rut, he’s an incredibly soft lover. When he IS in his rut, don’t expect to be able to walk anywhere for a few days once his rut is over. 

Has a mild breeding kink. Sometimes he can’t help but think about his partner big and round with his child and it quite literally fries his brain a bit when he thinks too much about it. 

Aftercare once his rut is over is GOD TIER. Hot bubble baths, hair washing, massages, snacks, cuddles. The WORKS. He takes his time soothing his partners after completely wrecking them. 

ASS MAN!!! 

Has a serious overstim kink, both giving and receiving. One orgasm is simply just never enough (or two, or three, or four…). 

Is almost always dominant in his sexual encounters. He can be rough, yes, but he’s never mean. Think pleasure dom or service top. 

Has a body worship kink. He thinks humans are beautiful creatures and always wants to explore every inch of his partners when he can. 

Loves going down on his partner– probably his favorite thing ever after discovering it. 

TANTRIC SEX

Has a tail that occasionally makes an appearance if he gets too worked up. He WILL use it to fuck his partner silly. 

BITING. He loves leaving bites anywhere he can, even if no one else can see them. 

Will only take one life partner, though he may play with other people if allowed. Once he’s formed the bond with his life partner, they won’t ever be replaced. 

Will only allow his life partner to dom him. If he’s ever topped or dommed, it's a deliberate act of giving away his power to someone he trusts completely. These are some of the rarest moments where he willingly lets his worries and vulnerability spill out, and those moments are reserved for one person only. 

in conclusion, he is quite literally the best man ever.

[bunniekittiee]

Bi-Han x Fem. Reader (as well as general headcanons)

Alright alright the Bi-Han headcanons was a success so ykw I’ll bless you all again. Also this is my depiction of Bi-Han so if you think I can tweak it and make it better then by all means let me know!

CW: mentions of eating problems, anxiety, illness, chronic illness, a little nsfw, nothing too crazy

Hair combing is an intimate ordeal.

He does not let anyone else touch his hair besides himself and you. He trusts you completely to comb his hair and even put it up for him.

He thinks you do it better than him, but he can manage it himself if needed.

He sighs with relief when his hair is let down, feeling his s/o’s fingers gently massage his aching scalp. It feels so good to him, he loves it.

Bi-Han does like the quietness. Especially after a long day of Grandmaster duties and irritation.

So if it is quiet during this time, he can close his eyes and almost fall asleep as you caress his hair and take care of him.

Sometimes he has fallen asleep when you are doing this.

If you were to ask Bi-Han to bathe together, he would silently go insane for a second and then agree.

Despite seeing you naked more than often, it still gives him butterflies in different scenarios that isn’t inherently sexual. Such as bathing.

He thinks you are beautiful, do not ever be negative about yourself around Bi-Han because he will immediately worry.

If you are worried about gaining weight, he is already overthinking that you will stop eating.

So instead, Bi-Han gently encourages you to train with the other Lin Kuei if you feel that you want to lose weight or prevent yourself from gaining weight.

No, he does not think you are fat at all, do not twist his words.

But Bi-Han is the type of man to give you solutions to help you but not in a rude way.

He just tries to encourage and give you options.

He will also suggest yoga with Kuai Liang. Kuai Liang usually meditates, but he will divulge himself in yoga for you if you are interested.

He does not like to see you sad or upset about your self image. It makes him feel helpless.

Bi-Han can handle a physical threat because he can eliminate it, but when it is a mental threat such as self image issues, depression, etc., Bi-Han finds himself unable to see straight.

Out of his brothers, I see Bi-Han struggling with some anxiety.

Like I said in my previous headcanons, Bi-Han worries for his s/o because she is his weakness. If anyone were to take her away from him, he would practically engulf everything in a blizzard.

I see Bi-Han having anxiety about his brothers as well, whether they are safe or going to be okay.

As much as Bi-Han shuns Smoke, he still worries for him. Smoke is the ‘baby’ of them all, and if he were to see him in any form of pain, he is already wanting to murder the person who inflicted it upon him.

That being said, if you have any sort of health issues that will literally send Bi-Han over the edge.

He is constantly having the medics check you over and he will be riddled with so much anxiety he will stop eating and sleeping well.

God forbid you have a chronic illness or anything at all, at that point Bi-Han will just have an aneurysm.

As tough as his exterior is, Bi-Han can be sensitive.

Please do not call him names, he doesn’t even do that to you and it will hurt his feelings.

He will distance himself and feel melancholy until you apologize. He doesn’t like it when you are rude or mean to him.

As I mentioned in my other previous headcanons, he does get snappy himself so he knows that he is a bit of a hypocrite.

If you were to communicate your feelings to him, whether it is your frustrations, sadness, or anger, he will understand and try his best to relax you and make you feel better.

You do the same for him, so it’s time that he repays that favor.

Bi-Han can be extremely busy with his duties and he knows you hate being cooped up for so long.

So he will allow Smoke and Kuai Liang to take you out, whether that’s for a walk or to Madame Bo’s, Bi-Han just wants to make sure you are happy.

I don’t know where people got the “jealous of my brothers being around my s/o” belief from, but Bi-Han trusts his brothers completely.

He has to, they go into battle and on quests together, they have to deeply trust each other and have a strong bond with one another.

So he lets his brothers take you out, he does not get jealous of that. They would never do anything to you, and Bi-Han knows it is completely out of character for them to do anything in the first place.

So yes, he lets you go out with his brothers and enjoy your time together when he is busy.

Again, he knows you get cooped up and he wants you to have some freedom.

His brothers love that you have somewhat changed Bi-Han but in a good way.

He is somewhat nicer to Smoke and refrains from telling him he is not part of their family. Last time he did, you gave him the absolute worst glare that even Kuai Liang felt his stomach turn.

Bi-Han is gentle as possible with you. His hands have killed and hurt many, he would hate to inflict the same pain on you.

You are like a flower to him, a delicate and precious lively being.

You have softened Bi-Han in many ways, and many appreciate what you have done.

[weirdmorefics]

Hello, hope your doing well. Could you do a Anthony Bridgerton x wife!reader and she gets overwhelmed at a ball which makes her she zones in/out and Anthony plus the family are really worried because they’ve never seen her like this before? Have a good day/night 💙

A/N- I am doing okay just turned 21 woot. (even tho I hate birthdays because they equal change.)

Pronouns- She/Her

Warnings- Anxiety, Shutdowns, Dissociation,

Word Count- 825

Summary- Basically what the ask says

Life Preserver

This ball was particularly loud and crowded, I don't think I had ever seen so many people in my life before let alone all in the same room. Every noise felt weighted I could hear the clink of every dish, the misstep of every dance, the clink of every heeled shoe. I wonder if this is a normal event for Anthony. I grew up in a small village and only came to London for my introduction to society. I can't say I am used to events like this but it certainly did not seem so crowded at my coming out.

Anthony had been coming and going conversing with others. I felt much like the odd one out. Yes, I wore the clothes and I am married to a wonderful man but I still feel like that country girl who shouldn't be here, especially with this huge crowd. I fiddled with the seams of my gown and searched the crowd for any of the Bridgertons but they all seemed involved in one activity or another. I lingered by the table of pastries and cakes as if I could blend into the wall behind them like a chameleon.

Others tried to introduce themselves to me because I was now a Bridgerton. I had never had a status like this before I was a nobody in my town. Yes, I love Anthony but I do not love the popularity that comes with being his wife. I would respond with a smile that did not meet my eyes and a handshake. It felt like Anthony had left me for hours but I think reality it was only a few minutes.

Anthony arrived back with his mother and sister Daphne. I felt relieved to see their familiar faces but I still felt like was not in my own body.

Anthony looked concerned at my vacant eyes and put a hand to my shoulder, "Are you okay darling?"

I smile and tilt my head to try to act oblivious like I am strong like I should be, "I am fine."

My husband clearly sees through my ruse because concern seems to grow even more and his sister furrowed her eyebrows.

"You don't seem like yourself Y/n," Daphne says her tone full of worry.

I blink my eyes tight trying to come up with a convincing lie but nothing seems to come to mind. I feel so far away like my mind is off swimming in the Atlantic but my physical body is stuck here at a ball. A normal ball! Why can't I just be normal or at least act normal? If not for me at least for my darling Anthony.

Anthony taps my shoulder breaking me from my intense thought spiral. I finally make eye contact with Anthony, and his eyes look full of worry, making me feel even worse for interrupting the festivities.

He wraps his arm around my waist, "I think she needs some air. If you will excuse us." He does not wait for any response and guides me to the garden.

Once the cold night air hits my face, I feel like I can finally breathe even though I wasn't holding my breath to begin with.

"Darling, what is the matter? Are you ill?" Anthony grabs my face and presses his lips to my forehead, "no fever."

I suck my bottom lip trying to prevent the tears that I know are coming soon.

" I am fine Anthony. I am so sorry for worrying you so much," I try to wave him off.

"There is no way you could convince me you are well Y/n. I have never seen your eyes so vacant before," before I can look sad about that comment he quickly grabs my hands and holds them tightly. "You are always so full of life your eyes are like looking into the sun, they are my favorite thing about you! We will not be leaving this garden until you tell me what is wrong."

I sigh, I can't avoid not telling him my feelings because he truly will stay here all night his stubbornness is admirable but also utterly a nuisance. "I am just not used to events like this… I don't think I have ever seen so many people in one room. I-I really did not want to disappoint you. I truly tried my best but I felt like I was drowning."

Anthony brushes my cheek with his hand, "Darling I wish you would have told me. You could never disappoint me you are always my life preserver from my disobeying siblings to calming me from my anger. Let me be your life preserver to your drowning seas."

The tears that I have been holding in finally come out as I take a deep breath, " I will let you be my life preserver if I will always still be yours."

"Always," he smiles and places a chaste kiss on my lips.

[hamiltonaf]

Hi bestie, can i request how lewis would help you when you have insomnia? Mine is really a pain in the ass this week, could use a distraction

Night Owl | Lewis Hamilton

Pairing: Lewis Hamilton x Female Reader

Word Count: 1.3K

Warnings: None

A/N: Hello loves ! Apologies for the delay in writing requests…I fell really ill over the week and was so out of writing :( but I’m back. Thanks anon for requesting, I hope you enjoy. Requests are still open .xx

Another night that I found it hard to sleep. It was like this for over a week because of stress and anxiety. I don’t even have anything to stress about, it’s just how my mind works when my brains thinks I have so much to do and I won’t complete everything I want to do in time.

It wasn’t that big of a deal to sleep at early hours of the morning all alone because I didn’t have Lewis with me so I’d wake up late. However, now that Lewis is around, I feel the need to sleep and wake up at a normal time so that we could do more things together as a couple since I hardly see him anyway.

Once in a while I’ll experience an adrenaline rush in the middle of the night and I’m so full of energy, I could literally eat a whole meal, probably even host my own fake concert and I still wouldn’t be tired till around 4 or 5am.

I joined Lewis and his family for the start of the summer break before Lewis was off on his boys trip. I was over the moon to see Lewis after a whole 2 weeks. Doesn’t seem that long but felt like a lifetime for me.

We spent the day with the family catching up and playing with Kaiden and Willow. We played countless rounds of Uno and spent most of our time out in the sun. Watching Lewis with kids and spending time with him had me thinking about him leaving on his boys trip soon - anxiety trigger because the thought of us being apart again soon.

I swear I’m not selfish… we video call everyday and I physically see him every weekend or every second weekend, but with our schedules clashing I can’t even spend time with him when I’m free because I’m working. Race weekends also fly by so quickly, before you know it, it’s already Sunday and I’m on a flight back home whilst he takes a flight to another race.

I just would’ve wanted to spend some more time with him during this summer break and it could make up for the lost time.

I didn’t even realise I was daydreaming until Lewis snapped his fingers in front of me. “We’re at the hotel… you’ve been so quiet for the past 15 minutes. Is everything okay ?” He asked softly. “Oh yeah. Uhm everything is fine… don’t worry” I faked a smile and exited the car. He followed behind me back to our room, it was quite evident to Lewis that I wasn’t my usual self. When we reached our room, he grabbed me by my hand and pulled me flush against his chest. “Are you sure you’re okay ? You seem off. Is something bothering you ?” He raised a brow.

“I’m fine really” I gave him a soft smile then pecked his cheek. Just as I was about to leave his grasp, he held me tighter. “Babe I can literally tell when you’re lying. You pull that fake smile on me when something is bother you” he pointed out. I immediately felt embarrassed. “What ? No” I scoffed and giggled. “And you do that as well” he said as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“Okay well I’m not in the mood to discuss it right now, maybe later” I trailed as I pecked his lips and walked over to the bathroom. I had a shower and to my surprise, Lewis had fallen off to sleep. I on the other hand was full of energy, but might as well try to sleep.

I got into bed and cuddled up close to him. In hopes I would fall off to sleep, unfortunately I was too restless and ended up turning from side to side. I know he’s a light sleeper and I felt bad at the thought of him waking up because of me. A whole hour of trying to sleep and I gave up. I jumped out of bed and went to our lounge to watch something to pass some time. About half and hour into the movie, I got a shock when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

The movie I was watching had me in a depresso mode where I was bawling my eyes out. “Oh my- love are you okay ?” He asked concerned. “Oh my god. Babe you scared me” I screamed as I placed a hand on my heart. “Didn’t mean to scare you, if anything, you scared me… why did you leave me alone in bed ?” He pouted as he jumped over the couch to sit right next to me. “I can’t sleep” I sighed. “No worries, I can help” he smiled. “Lew it’s not one of those nights where I randomly can’t sleep, I have insomnia. It’s much harder to sleep when you’re an insomniac” I pouted and laid my head on his shoulder. “Well what’s keeping my girl up ? You didn’t tell me earlier, I wanna hear it from you now because I’m concerned” he said as he turned to look at me.

“Okay don’t take this the wrong way. My brain overthinks the smallest of things, when normally I couldn’t care. We’ll blame it on some chemical reaction on my brain, maybe lack of serotonin I think-“ he cut me off. “Babe. You’re rambling. Calm down. Deep breaths and tell me straight up how you’re feeling” he smiled as he cupped my face. “Look, you know how much I love you and it hurts me how little we see each other. My mind for some odd reason isn’t its normal self because all my mind thinks about is how little time we actually spend together …” I said embarrassed. “Look I’m all for you going on your boys trip, but I had to be honest with what’s on my mind” I gave him a soft smile.

“Aww baby you’re so cute. You want me all to yourself ?” He smirked and raised a brow. “Low-key yes, but no” I said as I then slapped my forehead in embarrassment. “I’m so sorry that sounds so dumb” I covered my whole face with my hands. “Darling, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about” he said as he pulled my hands away from my face and caressed my cheek with his thumb. “I’m just glad you’re honest with me. Sorry babe for hurting you, why didn’t you tell me sooner ?” He cooed. “I thought it was stupid and I was just being dumb” I shrugged.

“Never. Your feelings are valid, always. Consider me all yours for the rest of the summer” he smiled as he pulled me in for a short kiss. “Wait, what ? Lew no ! You can’t not go on your boys trip” I argued. “This is not a debate love” he grinned. “But Lew, you can’t not-“ “End of discussion. Let’s go” he cut me off as he stood up and carried me in his arms towards our bedroom.

“Now I definitely won’t sleep, you’re making me feel awful as if I’m holding you back which I’m really not. My mind is just racing at the thought of how quickly time is going and how we’re barely together, this has nothing to do with your mates by the way because I think they’re all amazing. My brain is just not braining these past few days” I pouted as he laid me in bed and jumped in to cuddle me closer to him.

“Babe just don’t worry about it, that’s the least of my concerns right now” he said as he nuzzled his face into my neck. “Lew !” I groaned. “You need to sleep and I’m doing my best to help put an end to your insomnia” he smiled into my neck as he snaked an arm around my waist. He placed soft kisses along my shoulders before turning me around in his grasp. “I really love you” he smiled. “I really love you too Lew Lew” I felt my cheeks flush as he pulled my face closer and connected our lips.

I felt so at ease in his embrace knowing he’s right with me after quite a while of being apart. I guess all I needed was a goodnight kiss.

[tiny-pun]

On writing pain

Okay so for once this isn’t an actual prompt but more so a tip:

If your character is supposedly in pain that lasts more than a couple of days or even weeks and months, eg. Because of a bigger wound or of a (new) disability… you most likely should show this in more ways than just the occasional “gasp and clutching the wound”!

Having such constant pain will have at least some kind of emotional impact: the stress of constantly being in pain, the constant push and pull between just succumbing to the pain and laying down until it goes away or just ignoring it and powering through. The balancing act of not overdoing it and being hypervigilant to the point you just hunch down to avoid worsening it.

Additionally you have to think about how to treat all of the different pains. How connected are they really? How much sense does it actually make to take pain meds ? Are there enough? Do I trust my doctor/s, to actually listen to me and take my pain seriously? Am I over exaggerating my pain? Am I underselling it? Am I annoying my doctor? Should I just wait and hope it goes away? It’s probably nothing anyway. But what if it’s so much worse ? What if this pain is just covering up something truly awful? But what if I’m making such a fuss now and tomorrow I can jump around like always? How unnecessary it would be to get so many people involved. Right ? This is especially hindered by poor use of words aka incapability to communicate. ( My head is just … kinda fuzzy?/Everything hurts?)

Another factor is how much they want to openly tell others about it. And whom they could possibly even tell and all the whys and hows surrounding it. And how hard it would be aka how long they’ve know each other and how much time they spent together. The hiding and lying adds more emotional stress and also possibly leads to neglect of any medical help. The “overt” complaining about the pain/situation can be exhausting and thus a different kind of stress. Especially if they’re feeling childish/unheard or otherwise ashamed about voicing anything but positive emotions but the pain is just too much and too consistent.

This can also lead to a constant comparison of how far into their recovery they “statistically already should be” or just the plain old “I could do xyz SO EASILY before”. Or worse: they’re comparing themselves to another (equally) wounded/disabled character. Wether it’s an internal belief or externally expected: if the character believes, that their wound/pain is comparably minor or should be easily overcome by themselves; and especially if they have a certain goal in mind, by which they should be back to their regular power and it’s not look in good … well then you certainly have a nice cocktail of stress and anxiety.

And if during the time of their supposed recovery, they end up getting some minor but more common sickness, eg. A cold or a stomach bug, it might not be their first thought. In fact they might do any and every test possible BUT think of the common cold. Not bc they’re necessarily stupid but bc of the fear, things might go to hell after all. Especially if the symptoms of both illnesses are similar enough. Anything else will just not be in their radar.

Also how would they like to be taken care of ? How much of that is a facade to please others ? Do they actually want to be hugged right now or are they just trying to please someone yet feeling suffocated? Do they just want their dead siblings soup and is a companionable silence enough to know they’re gonna be fine? How honest are they towards not only themselves but to others? And how much can the people and the situation itself even give that to them right now? (Do they need silence but they’re currently lying low in the city’s biggest hotel next to the market place?)

For all of this it doesn’t matter how big or small the pain actually is. What matters is that it is seemingly constant and only very slowly going away. The combination of constant physical pain with so much emotional turmoil and back and forth between opposing ideals aka stress can translate to even more physical pain aka psychosomatic pain. Headaches, breathlessness and even bigger issues such as literal heartaches can be the result.

This all can lead to spiralling and in the worst case a (temporary) depression. I dont think I have to explain how that could look like.

And one last thing: If the character is used to being in life or death situations, no matter if it’s due to multiple fights or an already existing disability: the common cold might be worse to deal with. They could be so used to dealing with the possibility of death that anything less than that is ironically unbearable. During a basically fatal stabbing they might just say a cheeky joke but freak out during the common cold.

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor. If you have the same pain for more than 6 week pls get it checked out if you can! And get well soon. These are just possible ways to write, what kind of thoughts and issues any type of constant pain (fatal or not) could cause.

[ideas-4-stories]

Cross Guild romance AU -

Buggy makes his own explosives, which doesn't sound all that important until you sit back and think of the ramifications and knowledge required for that. Buggy is damn good with chemistry, math, physics, and I bet he was the brain to Shanks's brawn on the Oro Jackson; he'd probably have been all over Crocus whenever he could to learn more about anything and everything.

Crocodile and Mihaw don't really put the two together, given that they see Buggy primarily as an idiot and coward. It's when an epidemic spreads on the island that some odd things click into place-

Buggy has forgone the big costume, is in comfy and sturdy clothes. His face is painted minimally, hair tied into a tight bun, bandana on, and he's working side by side with the medical professionals. He's elbows deep in checking vitals, organizing charts, and even synthesizing medications. More members are sick than not, and they go under a near-quarantine lock down to handle the illness. Between working in the medical tents and taking care of his people, Buggy has also had a hand in organizing for resources to be sent and delivered.

Neither Croc nor Hawk had even considered some of the balls Buggy has gotten rolling. They both have very strong immune systems, so they rarely face or think of illness or sickness as something to prepare for or to account for, but this just exploded one day seemingly without warning, and the clown had a plan in motion by eevening.

It's at this point that they begin to wonder if maybe there's something more to their Chairman than they first thought...

((Bonus points, they catch Buggy coming back from a long shift at the medtent, sent off by the other's to get some rest, so he's just at that sweet spot of tired enough to lose filter. They ask about the medicines, and Buggy goes on a mini infodump about chemicals, hormones, enzymes, antioxidants and antibiotics, mentions that he and a few others already have a few batches baking, and sleepily chuckles about how "the simpler ones seem to work well so far, thank goodness. I was worried... *yawn* that I'd have to dip into my supplies for my testosterone... *falls asleep at the table*.

Croc just becomes the Spiderman meme of "TRANS???" when Buggy wakes up))

I LOVE this is an understatement, this is so good!!! I love Competent!Buggy so much!!! Why can't the clown be a fucking genius while being clown-failure babygirl he is?

Buggy having a plan by evening is because he has so much anxiety, I mean, look at the poor clown! It's always the things that he didn't think of that happens that gets him in trouble. But this, he can do this. I also love the headcanon, that Buggy learn a lot of things from Crocus, so he has this in the bag!

It would be funny if Buggy could be fine in a really bad pandemics, but the flu and whatever the happened near Laugh-Tale is his biggest sickness problems. What am I saying, back to this cool ask!

Buggy being competent because he doesn't want his crew to die or get really ill, not because he needs them to work, but because he wants them healthy and happy. Buggy forgoing the pillow onesie for something better, and not taking that much time on his makeup is so good, that just shows how he priorities his Nakama before himself is so cute! I have a headcanon that Buggy has a least a Field Medic degree or a Nurse one. Mihawk and Crocodile watching at the sidelines is what I see them doing, because like the clown's being competent and they see there's not much they can do in this.

Yes, on Buggy rambling on and on about things he does, I want Buggy to infodump so hard. Like really really hard, Buggy could go on and on about things that interests him for a while.

Buggy is every gender and nothing at all to me, and the spiderman meme with Crocodile is the only one pointing at Buggy while Buggy is confused and sleepy, while Mihawk is just there on the sidelines. Is really funny to me.

[blu-ish]

Do u think Sonic has nightmares of the SA2 ending? do u think the s2 of Prime fall reinforced this fear or gave him some closure? the anxiety of shadow falling and Sonic not being there to catch him lingers? maybe that's why Sonic is very touch affectionative towards Shadow

It fuels my angst loving heart lmao.

That scene single handedly DESTROYED me. Along with all the fics and fanart that came right after it when that ep of S2 came out hsjshshshs. The parallels are so fuggin tragic, especially from Sonic pov.

This was someone he had met in little under 48 hours, or however long the span of SA2 was lol. He's someone who challenged him, someone who, sure, wasn't entirely a mobian hedgehog--but one nonetheless, a super powered one at that. Who went from threating to destroy the world for hurting him beyond Sonic's comprehension to defending it till his final breath beside him.

Sonic's return to the ark without him will never NOT bring me to tears (yes I'm a big baby sue me lmao), he's still holding his inhibitor ring like its the most precious thing in the now saved world.

His goodbye to him; his closure--his understanding that, that was it. Shadow was gone. I don't remember the time from SA2 until Hero's but it was sure to be a long damn time, only for Shadow to just, be alive. MAN IT HURTS LIKE SH-- (I have a headcanon Sonic got to keep the inhibitor ring when Rouge gives it him later, and he wore it under his glove cuff all this time.) You cannot tell me Shadow didn't have a major impact on Sonic's life come onnnnn. I completely agree with the nightmares headcanon btw, like you take a hero with a savior complex and give them a situation where they FAILED to save someone they love and your in for an ANGST FIELD DAY.

Prime Sonic is a lil different from the Sonic's we've been introduced too in the past. (No this is NOT a complaint I love him sm, all Sonic's are amazing to me that is a fact.) He's probably the most physically affectionate one outta all of them. We see him describe his relationship with Shadow as "complicated" lmao, and for anyone new to the Sonic Series watching it, they're basically just introduced as rivals that are so fucking BAD at communicating. But you can tell he cares about his friends, and he really cares about Shadow.

This is evident in his PANIC ATTACK, when Shadow gets knocked out while trying to enter one of the gateways and ends up almost falling into the void. And this is right after they were just at each others necks, fighting for the tech.

There is NO POSSIBLE WAY it's not supposed to be a parallel to SA2, and if this Sonic also went through the "Shadow fucking dies and loses his memories TM" there is also ZERO WAY he didn't get flashbacks while reaching out to save the only piece of home he had, but Shadow's more than that. He grounds Sonic throughout Prime, he keeps him focused, he CARES about him too. Even if he has trouble showing it.

When it was Shadow's turn to save Sonic when he was fading away. Like, I WAS DECEASED, I WAS SOBBING--- ahem, I was carefully analyzing the moment where we got to see Shadow return the favor. Where he was mere MOMENTS away from losing him. He was in Sonic's place, back in space near the Space Colony Ark. Holding the most precious part of his home. His friend. (HIS BOYFR-- *gets shot*)

I like to think they both get more affectionate and open with each other, it just works so naturally well in Prime because of everything they've been through. And how the show, shows their friendship develop over time, even when Shadow gets benched for the majority of it hjhghj. He lets Sonic in, he makes the effort to hear him out, they LEARN TO COMMUNICATE.

Sonic wants to be near Shadow, Shadow in turn lets him, lets him be affectionate. Because they both really DO realize how much they care and need/want each other in their lives. They make me ill.

[gods-and-accolades]

Honestly one thing I’m still getting my head around is that the Gods will actually help you if you ask?? Like even though it’s been a decent amount of time now it’s still feels completely novel to me when I actually get help?

For instance, I have recently been working through my anxieties with Apollon and I had mentioned to him how I feel like I always have to be in control of my life because I constantly feel like things are going to go wrong. Then right after one of those conversations with him, I end up having a dream where a man (whose face I didn’t see sadly) took me a thousand years into the future. Time passed by in an instant as we watched as these future humans made settlements all throughout the solar system. We stopped by Saturn for a moment and we saw it now had a second ring around it, only this one was man-made, and on its surface was an enormous human civilisation, way too futuristic for me to even comprehend. It looked like it was built of metal and steel, but it somehow seemed greater than that. We watched in silence for a while as spaceships wizzed past us and the titanic cities hummed with life, and then the man then suddenly asked me:

“Do you think any of the people here know who you are?”

I woke up before I could answer. For a while after that, I was a little disheartened because, no, those futuristic humans don’t know who I am, so everything I do is a huge waste of time and I’m struggling for no reason at all. But during the day, I really thought about it, and the meaning of what I had been asked in that dream began setting in.

Like yes, it’s true those people aren’t going to know who I am. They aren’t going to know that my favourite colour is jade green or that my favourite animal is a penguin. But they’re also not going to know of my mistakes or my shortcomings, like the fact that I get physically ill at the thought of public speaking or that I’ve come close to dropping out of uni several times because I can’t handle it.

And for some reason, something just clicked in my head. I felt free from, albeit not all of it but, a lot of the anxiety I had been feeling recently. No one’s going to remember if I mess up here or there. The people of tomorrow aren’t going to care if we make a mistake today. So just go for it. Today is for us. Tomorrow is for them.

And I don’t know. I don’t know if it was Apollon in that dream or whether he was the one who asked me that question, but I think it was. Either way, it was what I needed to hear. And I think he knew that.

[justcallmecj]

Humans Are Confusing

Alright. First time posting an actual anything on Tumblr, so let's see how this goes. Ran into a post on here recently and haven't been able to get it out of my mind since, so I kinda wanna ramble.

I like to think that in the Obey Me universe, humans and demons are just Built Different when compared to each other. I also like to think that demons don't truly know a lot about humans. They think they do, or that humans are easy to predict/understand. But they are wrong and having Solomon and Mc around just proves it to them.

Again. Humans and demons are built different. I like to think about the possibility of the human body/mind being able to do things a demons body/mind could never and that absolutely snaps the brothers' minds. So I have thought of a few things I could make funny scenarios out of.

Cracking Bones:

Humans crack all sorts of bones and joints all the time. I know I sure do, mainly my back, fingers and neck. Well, so do Solomon and Mc. They both do it all the time, especially Solomon, and neither thought anything of it when they first started staying in the Devildom. Neither knew that demons can't crack their bones.

The first time Mc cracked their back when stretching, every brothers head whipped towards them. Upon seeing that that sound came from Mc, horror settled in. And even more shock occurred when Solomon, who was nearby, said "Nice. Sounded like that felt good." and Mc, who they all expected to suddenly fall to the floor or something, simply straightened themself and said "Yep. Been needing to do that for a while now." and walked out of the room completely fine. No one knew what the hell just happened.

Demons can't do that. That sounded like a bone fucking breaking so how in the Devildom is Mc okay?!?!

Still in a shock, Mc came back in and noticed the brothers' state. They asked Solomon what was up and he had no clue. So they asked. Only Lucifer was able to shake himself our of his stupor enough to ask the question.

And this left Mc and Solomon both very confused. "Can you guys not do that?" and all the brothers frantically shook there heads. With a chuckle, Solomon explained that humans could simply move their bones and joints in a way that resulted in a cracking sound. It was something that actually resulted in relief, in pressure being taken off those points.

Then he promptly stood up and swung his torso, multiple cracking sounds filling the room from his back and then he bent his fingers one by one, each motion resulting in another crack. Then he walked up to Mc and they both left the room, completely fine. Asmo almost passed out that day.

And now all the demons and angels have a short panic whenever Mc or Solomon crack something until they remember that it's apparently normal for them.

The need for socialization:

Demons can and have gone centuries alone. Whether it was self-induced or a punishment, they will be fine in the long run. Hell, even some of the brothers can go a couple months without socializing (Levi and Belphie) and have no problems. Isolation is no life threatening thing for them. But it is for humans.

The brothers never knew what could happen to a human left isolated for too long until Mc and Solomon started talking about is to each other. It was a long conversation about the effects and risks of it.

Humans can develop physical and mental disease and illness from isolation. Heart problems, depression, mental decline, hallucinations, extreme anxiety, increased blood pressure, even insanity.

Why? Could humans not just...be okay? Why would they get all these problems if they isolated for so long? That doesn't happen to demons, or even angels. So, they started asking questions, all of which made Mc and Solomon realize how these topics, which are sort of common knowledge among humans, are very much unknown to the people of the other realms

And so they explained. Explained how humans were built to be social, to depend on each other physically and mentally. While they are capable of surviving alone for a while, or even a whole lifetime, they will still develop problems. Isolation can literally alter the brain chemistry of a human. They brought up the fact that Mc doesn't like to be alone for too long, getting lonely and too far into their own head when they get ignored. The fact that Solomon, who has gone dangerously long without contact, finds the subtle ways to latch himself onto people or goes somewhere with lot of people and lets himself be with them, to feed off their energy and be human again.

Let's just say that, after this conversation, everyone made an effort to no longer ignore Mc or Solomon for too long.

(I may find more of these ideas so stay tuned?)

[hatelangdon]

I got you, baby.

Pt 1 / 1094 words.

(Franken!Kyle x Witch!Reader)

Angst, Hurt/ No comfort turns into Fluff and Hurt/comfort

(🚨Warnings: ABUSIVE language from a partner, physical ABUSE from a partner, crying, verbal stutters, anxiety attack? Maybe?🚨)

Summary: Zoe left, it was all too much for her. Kyle has made himself physically ill from the heartbreak he feels, and Madison isn't necessarily the best caregiver and someone needs to show him some kindness.

(A/N: I love my sweet angel baby, he deserves only the best. IM SO SORRY IF THIS BREAKS YOUR HEART IT BROKE MINE WRITING IT Also, this is not proofread i'm sorry but Kim, there's people that are dying.)

✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧

It had been a week since Zoe's departure from the coven, it was all too much. Taking care of Kyle, Madison's constant harassment, and the pressures of training her powers had drowned her spirit. She had managed to make it out of Kyle's grip in the middle of the night and sneak out.

The only thing that she left was a goodbye note telling Kyle that she loved him but ultimately she chose herself. 

Nights were always the hardest you could hear Kyle crying throughout the walls of the mansion.

 Zoe had basically left him high and dry and in the hands of Madison, who’s attempts to comfort him weren't the greatest. Her patience was thin and if Kyle wasn't calming down fast enough for her she would often become very cruel towards him.

The other girls tried to help him stay sane during the day, Queenie would often read to him, and misty would play Fleetwood Mac and invite him to dance, in attempts to lift his spirits.

You wanted to do more but you had only joined the coven about a month ago so you didn't really know Kyle well enough to extend more than a passing smile if he was near. 

It would work for the most part, he felt better as long as he was distracted.

But once nighttime rolled around and he had no Zoe to hold onto that's when everything would change. It had gotten so bad that Cordelia often had to create botanic concoctions from the greenhouse and have him drink it as a sedative so the poor baby could get some sleep, instead of keeping himself awake from sobbing from heartache. 

It was Wednesday, 8 PM that's usually when the trouble started

“Zoe…Zoe...” you could hear Kyle sobbing but his voice was more hoarse than usual

“she's not here you idiot! I keep telling you this! she left you, she didn't want you, she doesn’t love you like I do!,” Madison barked back

which only made Kyles cries louder, he hated when she spoke to him like that.

“I am so sick of this!”

There was suddenly a loud thump on the wall and you heard Kyle scream which caused you to get out of bed and see what was going on.

Madison had thrown him back onto the wall where she was repeatedly kicking him and yelling.

” I'M THE ONLY ONE LEFT WHO CARES ABOUT YOU! STOP CALLING FOR HER, SHE'S NOT COMING BACK YOU ONLY HAVE ME!”

It's only made Kyle cry harder as he shielded his face from her relentless attacks, he was much stronger than her and more than capable of throwing her across the room if he wanted, but he couldn't seem to get up.

“Kyle sorry! Kyle Sorry!” He choked out repeatedly but Madison was not letting up.

She suddenly stopped, stooping down and grabbing his face making him look up at her.

“you wonder why Zoe left," she scoffed "look at how needy and ungrateful you are, I'm trying to help you and all you can think about is her.”

Your heart broke at the sight, and without even thinking you had thrown Madison across the room with a flick of your wrist. You didn’t even know you had the power, but it came to you with ease in that moment. You marched over to Madison where you had thrown her, even though Kyle was in distress you needed to set her straight first and give him time.

“HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?” She sat up to look at you, rubbing her head

“have you lost yours?” Your tone was so calm it was almost sinister, you stare down at her your eyes piercing she suddenly started to cough it felt like someone was gripping her throat, you were doing it, with your mind. “Now, Madison I'm going to keep this very short and simple for you,” you tilted your head

“you can choose to leave the house or I can crush your windpipe, and have you die a second time." You smiled "hold up your fingers, option one or two?”

Madison, lips blue held up her index finger and you released your grip from her neck.

“I never wanna see anything like that again.” your glare intensified and you turned around to check on Kyle.

"stupid bitch"  Madison stood up, of course she tried to lunge at you but you're smarter than that, all it took was a slight raise of your hand and she was frozen mid air, you decided to keep her that way.

Kyle had balled himself into the corner, he was absolutely inconsolable, hitting his head with his hands as he sobbed

“Stupid, stupid, stupid” he repeated over and over again as his face only got redder and redder.

Your already broken heart had torn clean in half at the sight. You got down to his level 

“Kyle no, no no no no no” you whispered, grabbing his hands to stop him from bashing his own head

“Hey buddy, it’s y/n. You’re safe, just calm down for me." You tried to rub his back to comfort him, but you were suddenly surprised by his arms wrapping around you completely, as he sobbed into your shoulder, shaking.

“I'm sorry she did this to you, I got you. I got you." You rubbed his cheek with your thumb, trying to soothe him as he hid himself away in the crook of your neck, you could feel his muscles become less tense as you held him. He felt so warm, and his eyes were rimmed red and puffy, he obviously wasn't feeling very well.

"Let's get you into bed honey, you're exhausted." you rocked him back and forth, his cries had calmed down but his hold on you had not eased. You were very careful to lift him with your own body, you felt him tense back up as he realized Madison was still in the room although she was frozen his knees buckled, if you hadn't been holding him up he would've fell back down.

"...We'll put you in my bed tonight, is that okay?" you held his cheek in the palm of your hand while his big brown eyes met yours.

He nodded

"Y-y-y/n g-good." he pressed his forehead to yours.

you blinked a couple times, and nodded,

"I am good, I'm going to take care of you Kyle. okay? I won't let anyone else hurt you."

The blonde gave you a gentle smile, and held your hand as you lead him down the hall to your room.

(Part 2 )

[measuredingold]

still down for the ride

authors note: something i started when i had no motivation for other wips, but wanted to write :) so here’s a song series of some of my fave hayley william’s solo songs. these are typically just short little writings, one for each boy. let me know what you think ! i’d love to do more song inspired fics like this. this one is inspired by my friend :)

pairing: joakim “jolly” karlsson x reader

word count: 537

cw/tw: mentions of an anxiety attack, big feelings, reader is going through it, implied friends to lovers, 18+ minors do not interact

Something inside Jolly twists so violently, he feels physically ill. He hates seeing you like this. So sad, like the world is against you. He knows how rough it's been lately, with work, life... everything in between. Sometimes he doesn't know what to do, how he can help, but all he knows is that he wants to be there. He thinks he's seen you from every side now, every up and every down, and the need to stay by your side only increases.

He's in way too fucking deep, and there's no way out now. Not like he wants an out, anyways.

"Hey," He says gently, hand reaching out to cover your shoulder. You flinch but melt into his touch. The action still makes him frown.

"S-Sorry," You huff out, rubbing at your eyes furiously. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean-"

Jolly says your name gently, fingers squeezing your shoulder. "Look at me. Please?"

You do, eventually, and Jolly's heart breaks all over again. The pain in your eyes is enough to have his stomach twisting in that painful, violent way he fucking hates. He turns you toward him fully, both hands resting on your shoulders.

"Don't apologize. Okay?" He doesn't say anything else until you slowly nod, sniffling quietly. "There's nothing to apologize for."

"Yes there is, Joakim."

He chest tightens at his name - real name - because you don't call him that. You never do, unless it's a joke or something serious. He's positive it's not the first option, especially with the way your eyes are filling with tears again.

"You shouldn't have to fucking deal with..." You pause, motioning to yourself as more tears fall. "This. It shouldn't be this hard."

"Hey." He says it more urgently now, hands sliding from your shoulders to your neck and then to your cheeks. "What did I tell you? The other day?"

He searches your eyes, watching them scan his face.

"I don't remem-"

"That I was down for the ride, as long as you were.

You're silent for a moment at that, tearful eyes blinking up at him. "But-"

"No buts." Jolly gives you a gentle smile, thumbs carefully brushing over your cheeks. "I was serious when I said that. We're going at your pace. You're in control... and I'm here. Staying. As long as you want."

His breath hitches at the sight of your face crumbling, and he goes to apologize but he doesn't get to. Your arms wrap around his waist so tightly that he gasps, but covers it up with a weak chuckle as you bury your face against his chest. His arms come down to wrap around you immediately, hugging you close to him.

"I don't deserve you." Your words are muffled by the fabric of his hoodie and he frowns, squeezing you tighter to him.

"Yes you do." He turns, placing a kiss to the side of your head. "You always have."

You don't reply to him, instead curl your fingers around his hoodie as his hand comes up to smooth down your hair. He presses another kiss to your head, making a promise to himself that he's going to do everything in his fucking power to make things right for you.

[manie-sans-delire-x]

Thoughts on ASPD stigma.

Even psych professionals often dont comprehend how having CD or ASPD (or NPD or even BPD) is not the same as having "bad person disorder", and they forget that a person without those disorders can be equally toxic or manipulative. ANYONE can be. Even depression or anxiety can contribute to someone being toxic. Drug addicts are known for being highly manipulative and toxic, yet we correctly identify them as the victim and patient who needs serious help. (And you dont even choose to have a mental illness at all, while many addictions start as a choice).

The stigma and defeatist attitude of psych professionals refusing to treat ASPD or see it as impossible leads to confirmation bias and a self-fulfilled prophecy. Even if the ASPD itself cannot be treated, most have co-morbid issues, and a depressed, drug addicted, traumatized sociopath will behave worse than a non-depressed, non-addicted, healthier one. They should focus on other areas and work on what they can. The brain, and life itself, is a system, and making one aspect healthier will make all parts at least a little healthier. Also, they know people with ASPD notoriously do not seek out treatment and tend to reject it, so why not try when someone is willing and take the opportunity to learn what works and what doesnt? Where is the willingness to try? To try challenging their own therapeutic skills? The academic curiosity to learn?

Ive been medically discriminated twice, due to an ASPD diagnosis myself, and due to my own schooling in psych, I know that they straight up teach students that therapy just makes people with ASPD more manipulative. And I'm actually not even denying that, I do think thats true in many cases, but refusing to treat a person with mental illnesses and trauma because they MIGHT become more manipulative in the future is crazy. This way of thinking is not tolerated in any other field- medical, legal. A doctor doesnt (usually) refuse to give treatment, even to a murderer or rapist. A judge cant sentence a person as guilty because they feel like they might commit a crime in future. (And at least committing a crime is objective, while "being manipulative" is subjective, vague, and also not illegal...).

Whenever I work as a mental health professional, I make a point to approach my clients with unrelenting positive regard. I think the best of them even when they're being very symptomatic, even when cursing me out and physically attacking me. I hold the belief that they are trying their best and severely struggling, and I treat every day as a new leaf and fresh start between us. The patient who actually has the illness is the one suffering the most. Its a disorder for that reason, because having it really sucks and negatively impacts a persons life in every category of functioning. No one sane chooses that. If I can do this with an ASPD diagnosis, they certainly are able to.

I think this stigma could be reduced a little by including internal experience and thought process in the diagnosis criteria, or at least discussing it with students, not just focusing on external behavior. This deeper understanding of the psychology behind ASPD may increase empathy and help clinicians see ASPD as a complex, usually trauma-driven mental illness whose presentation can vary a lot between people and that doesnt make up the entirety of a person's personality, instead of just seeing someone choosing to be shitty.

Also I know prison inmates are a conveniently available population to research, but they should really research people with ASPD who are able to keep out of prison and somewhat function in society, and females too, not just violent male convicts. Obviously basing all knowledge on extreme cases and only one sex is going to give a skewed perception.