#but ive lost it which sucks
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my brain at 9pm spinning the wheel to see if it lands on "someone please objectify me so i feel wanted without commitment", "why has no one in my entire life ever like-liked me and what am i doing wrong", "calories are the problem and i need to lose 20kg immediately", or "im literally the hottest person ever"
#im on my period and its post 9pm so i cant trust it. but alas.#when will wood said “oh wont you please objectify me? im just a hunk a hunk of burning self loathing” i felt that in my BONES#not naming names but someone brought up like. what a healthy waistline for a woman is and i SCRAMBLED to find my tapemeasure-#but ive lost it which sucks#UGHHHHHH. I JUST WANNA BE WANTED. THATS ALL.#idk how to tag this uhmmmm#tw ed implied#< that should do it.?#beverly says stuff#this is all /gen but /lh
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Cheers Ratio, to our continued collaboration~🥂
#art#fanart#honkai star rail#hsr#aventurine#dr ratio#veritas ratio#aventio#ratiorine#i meant to finish this back in march but oops#gonna be more obnoxious with my watermarks since SOMEBODY keeps messing with the soc media im most reliant on while ive lost my job#and unfortunately just cutting it out cold turkey isnt feasible which SUCKS...
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came to my gran's today to find she hadn't even gotten out of bed. called around some, ended up going in anyway and spent two hours sitting on her floor with the dogs in bed with her. november is always rough for all of us, but not having a dog anymore took the last out of her, i think. this is a woman who's never cried in front of any of us, not even in my dad's or uncle's funerals, but talking about eddie really choked her up. can't even blame her.
#she seemed a little perkier when we left and we're going back next sunday#she was completely clear headed too which#hasnt been the case the last few times ive seen her#and while i was out with sparty she did get up to bribe troj with treats so#all is not lost#but man. it really does suck getting old
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months post the rat’s death (s*kuna) and yuuji is healing from the fight’s trauma you guys have your first “night” together and it’s the most relief and pleasure he’s ever felt in his life like the shudder and gasps he’d be letting out walk with me
i’m walking with you…. it’s probably one of the few times he actually finds himself speechless and he’s oddly embarrassed about it, he feels like he should have something to say, should probably have the words to tell you how he feels when he’s balls deep inside of you for the first time, should probably open his mouth to ask you if he’s doing okay, if it’s too much, if you’re uncomfortable, he’s never really had his dick inside anyone before but it probably could hurt—but he can’t. he doesn’t have any words, he’s literally never felt such intense pleasure before in his life and every time he opens his mouth to say something, anything, only moans spill out, every time he has a single breath of clarity to form a coherent thought he’s overwhelmed by the reality that you’re underneath him and he’s inside of you and you’re alive and it all amounts to a mush and a gasp and he doesn’t realize how hard he’s holding on to your wrists or how raw your skin is from his biting to stop himself from moaning or how bruised your lips are from kissing and biting and sucking and the only words yuuji has probably been able to say all night is how he needs more
#anonymous#sigh............................ dream boy : (#the Yuuji Canonverse AU in my head is reader being a second-year and ive acc thought about the post-sukuna defeat celebration#for a moment but i like what ur putting down anon#also i think.... i think he's so lost in it for a while like he didnt realize just how intense n stressed n angry he was before sukuna died#but when he does hes actually in a weird state of limbo for a while and ur like :( what can i do to help#and yuuji doesnt know bc for so long he's had the objective of ending sukuna and keeping u safe#and now what... do u still need him? is sukuna even really gone? are the higher ups gonna kill him anyway? what purpose does he serve now?#very :( baby :(( but also i think if u got concerned and rambled to someone theyd be like have u considered sucking him off LMFAO#which ends up being a bit.... more than that and turns out yuuji just feels everything intensely and at 110%#just needed a kickstart to remind him of that 😇#yuuji x reader#yuuji.ask
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im going into my new work tomorrow, first time ever😐
#i was supposed to go in yesterday but um#so basically i did whatever training i was never even aware existed on a platform i was never told of#which has progress for every lil step i do so my manager literally could see i hadnt even logged on n couldve warned me any time#but never did 4 some reason. like even a days notice like heyyy have u gotta blah done n not as im abt to exit to work#BUT ANYWAYS so i tell her i got it done n shes like awesome i make new schedule (since she said we have 2 completely rid the old one#i dont get an update until 4 days later. all she did was add THREE training days (im supposed to have 6 cus it's a hard job)#on TOP of my old schedule. so i have 3 days i know are training days and then a solo day bcs that solo day was going off my old schedule#so it's like. which days do i go on then. bcs u said i cant come in at all bcs we'll have to make a completely new schedule#and then the new schedule is just. 3 added days. on top of my old one#sunday i was scheduled for training & there was No trainer scheduled with me. it was just me#sunday wasnt one of the 3 new days added. it was from the old schedule she literally told me to ignore#n then all a sudden today i get an email from someone who was supposed to be training me (name not even on the schedule tho)#n shes like hey im in the building are u lost or smthing :)?' mind u im asleep . so she probably thot she was wasting her time for a good hr#i emailed her an apology n an explanation but UGH r u fucking serious?? IF I KNEW THAT WAS A (NEW) TRAINING DAY I WOULDVE WENT#I JUST WANT TO GET USED TO THIS NEW THING & IT'S JUST GETTING FUCKED LIKE I DONT EVEN HAVE A BADGE YET BRO#like i was suspicious of going in sunday bcs it wouldve lined up nicely with the 3 added training days#but manager TOLD me she was adding a whole new training schedule! i double check n all she added were THREE days! thats it!#how was *i* supposed to know sunday was supposed to be 1 of those days when ive been staying at home ignoring the schedule u said 2#BCS U SAID 2. AND ALSO. THERE WAS NO TRAINER ON THE SCHEDULE.#even tho the drive is far. i wouldve driven up there today to see if i could shadow if i had known there was someone to shadow there#bcs even if i was wrong abt the day 2 come in at least i wouldnt waste my time but i didnt even know if there was someone there with a#trainer title. so i just missed a day i didnt even know i rlly had. FOR NOTHING. UGHH. I FEEL SO STUPID. I HATE MISCOMMUNICATION#im so scared of coming in now. sverybodys gonna think im dum n what if i have issues training then theyre gonna be like#we spent all this time on bro n he had all this time 2 prepare n he still sucks like damn we should just give up#i would 2 but i hate not seeing things to completion so. ugh. hate it here. idk what 2 say. EMBARRASSING#i hate miscommunications i hate feeling stupid
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#oh lads. lads. lads. lads. im being sucked back into the world of academia#i dont even kno what happened. a week ago i was crying bc i was like: this is impossible. i simply cannot do this.#and then i went into the lab sunday and miraculously i was able to easily read some papers. like i dont kno how to discribe how baffling it#was. like reading papers is like pulling teeth and this was somehow easy. i think maybe it was bc i let myself get distracted and wander#thru it. and then after that i got so much done this week and i was tired but having fun. and like the thing is: i fucking love evolution#it's like puzzling out the code for life in both a metaphical and literal sense. its fucking incredible. and my project is also very#interesting. if a bit intimidating in its scope. ya kno. just in the way photosynthesis is generally intimidating#but i think i have a strain thats lost chlf which is really interesting and my advisor said we might have the money to try some crispr for#my cyano children. hypothetically. maybe. and i get to do some poking around in genomes. theres so so much to love there#how could i possibly want to do anything else? and yet. and yet. here at the end of the week im so wrung out and i kno i just have to start#again on sunday and i kno im gonna have to step it up in terms of reading if i want to make it through a committee meeting and proposal#defense. not to even mention a comprehensive exam. and what do i get at the end of all this? a lifetime of academia draining my life away.#bc what i do is so academic. so whats the point? its just so frustrating.#and on top of that ive got all this data from my old lab that i kno i have to work on. and i will. i will. but with what time?#anyway the point is. i can see a path forward now where i stay here and decide the pain will be worth it despite not knowing where im going#after that. im just so tried#but right now it feels like im gonna stay until someone kicks me out#but that doesnt exactly make me feel happy. ugh. but if i stay i want to get my old pi to come here and give a seminar. ill warn her how#intimidating the department is tho. we've had 2 talks in the last 2 weeks that were... not good. particularly the one this week#like she couldnt answer a single question they thru at her and didnt seem to kno her data sets. it was hard to watch. anyway. i just want#to see my academic mother again. send me back to the desert! let me rot in a field full of sage#but send me back to the hills of an older mountain range. where i can climb sandstone cliffs and lay in carpets of moss. except i wouldnt do#that bc of all the ticks and threat of lyme disease...#anyway. im still tired. still sad. and there doesnt seem to b a way out#unrelated
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Been a little stressy but hopefully things start looking up
#im gonna get back to all my messages and asks now in the next hour#my partner lost his job#and my company is likely shutting down this month#so its been a bit hectic and panicky#especially since we have rent to pay and an upcoming lease renewal#i had my tattoos booked for next month but will see if i'll have to cancel them or not which would majorly suck because ive been waiting fo#a year now#but also cant be spending my rent money if im out of a job on tattoos#hopin i get a interview for this role a recruiter suggested me for
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Y'know the fun thing abt how I've set up the society that the main stalien cast comes from is that even the most broad general trends across stalien societies tend to not apply to them. So everytime I yap about how most herds form and the general trends in their societies I just get to remember mid yapping that basically none of this will ever be evident or even come up in the main story. Damn isolated motherfuckers
#rat rambles#oc posting#eternal gales#Ive talked abt them before I think but long story short way back the area was both filled with a lot of different plantlife but also a lot#of animals including various predators and pests#and since the seasons in this region are a lost less comically opposed to eachother generally there was less diversity in terms of herd#specialties and migration cycles would tend to be on a smaller scale with less overlap between herds#as such one herd eventually went yknow what would be cool? if we just cut out the parts of the local ecosystem that annoyed us and caved in#the tunnels leading to the rest of the continents cave system so nothing we dont like gets in either!#which was such a bad idea they ofc immediately did it and were faced with about a billion crisis's over the course of forever because of it#starting with the overpopulation problem which lead to them bleeding into the surface and leading into the still ongoing famine#plus again like a bilion other problems over the course of a couple centuries#a lot of the fucked up shit going on in their society all are bandaid fixes to the bandaid fixes to the bandaid fixes of the original chaos#in particular theyre currently being hit hard by their corpse crisis thats been rapidly getting worse and worse#man if only there were organisms that specifically evolved to be able to assist with the breaking down and decomposition of stalien bodies#oh well. anyways lets kill more kids to solve this Im sure that will go well#again cannot emphasize enough that this society has been in an almost comical downward spiral for centuries its Bad#theres a lot more to it on a political level ofc but generally speaking most of the modern day struggles of this society stem from that#initial decision to gut the local ecosystem#now to be abundantly clear. this isnt the only society where shit is fucked. its not like the rest of stalienkind all live in utopias#plus the reason this society is so comically distopian is because well. its kind of on the verge of collapse.#with the way things are going they really dont have much more than a century or so at most before things fully cave in on themselves#technology has been allowing them to hang on by a thread but the ever growing food and general resoruce shortages have eaten away at the#foundations for so long that they again really don't have long before things start going Really badly#starvation is already carving at the working class and they aren't getting enough population intake to keep things up as they are#so either things will need to be wildly reformed like within the decade or shit is going to hit the fan real hard#to be clear Im sure the population wont be completely wiped out but the current society will be dead and gone#again not like right this second but likely within the next century#it wont be overnight but it sure will suck real bad for everyone#so yeah. a real downer but at least we wont have to watch all that happen in the comic. we can say its up to interpretation.
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"hm. messmer is kinda kicking my ass and my summon clearly isnt doing very well rn. i should go do something else."
"wow. the putrescent knight is obliterating me. i should go do something else."
"why is there deathblight in this dancing dragon rematch. i sh- wait."
#ramblings#playing elden ring is like having an angel and a devil on your shoulder#the angel says 'its okay youre probably underlevelled just go do something else dont worry <3'#the devil says 'GET BETTER AT THE GAME YOU PUSSY!!!'#when the git gud crowd is actually insufferable but also right. fuck#yk how i beat malenia the first time. i spent a week going at her for like an hour or three depending on how i felt that day#i didnt summon anyone. no people. no ashes. just me and malenia#and i learned her moveset.#i spent 10 minutes on every attempt on average. because i was playing a twohanded katana#which doesnt do that much damage unless you proc hemorrhage! which you wont proc if youre playing it REAL safe#i went at her for HOURS#until i could consistently get her to like 75% hp without using any flasks. until i could get her to 50%.#until i could somewhat consistently dodge enough of waterfowl not to die#when i got her to phase 2 on my own i LOST MY MIND#my dad suggested only summoning ashes in phase 2 because i got her to phase 2 solo.#my stepmom and i turned that into summoning halfway through phase 1#which is how i eventually beat her#yk what that was. madness. but it was also the essence of getting good. and i hate that stupid phrase#idk where i was going with these tags. i should try messmer solo to learn his moves#ive already started to learn a lot of his phase 1 moveset its just that some moves suck and the timing of the snakes in phase 2. ouchie
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This just in, local struggler severely overestimates how much they can eat yet again. Left with half a bowl of ramen and a sad, sad heart
#speculation nation#it's homemade at least so im not wasting money on fancy ramen#but i Hate this man it sucks 😭😭😭😭#i keep losing weight bc i can never eat enough#and i was like 'ok lets make a ramen thats a good sized meal' but then i cant FINISH it#forced myself to finish all the eggs at least and now im just picking at the peas. ugh.#at this rate im gonna have to start drinking ensures more regularly again#bc i havent gotten to the underweight phase yet but if it keeps going like this then i will#like it was. excuse me talking about my weight for a bit but im a tad bit concerned about it#but back before i started adderall back in uhh. september?? i think?? or october???#fuck if i remember. been a few months tho. but also not That long.#anyways i was at like. 140lbs at the doctor and like 137lbs at home (relevant bc clothes weight. rest of this will be at home weights)#and ive had such shit appetite that ive been watching it go down and down. like at least a pound a week. sometimes two pounds.#and now im at 123lbs. which is a solid almost 15 lbs lost in like 3 ish months. which is kind of a lot when ur small to begin with.#also a little alarming when u see this happen like a pound lower between every shower. bc i tend to check before i shower.#& i often shower every 4 days or so. when im in the Rotting Era and all. aka i dont rly go outside much.#and like 123lbs still isnt bad for 5'3“ but i think 107lbs is the cutoff for underweight. and im halfway there.#and now see i was about this weight a few years back so in one respect it's nice to fit into some of my older pants again#but at the same time..thats too quick!!! thats not healthy!!!! but when i try to eat more i Cant!!! it makes me nauseous!!!!!#so back in early 2020 when i was dipping under 110lbs bc of meds stuff i got onto ensure and it did help. so maybe i need to again.#just..blegh. i just kinda feel empty all the time. like stomach-wise. but not Hungry. it's a problem.#gotta come up with ways to eat that dont rely on my stomach to tell me when to eat. bc it's definitely not doing a good job at that.#weight mention/#and like see ive been eating 2 meals a day on average but i was doing that before too!!!!!!#but i think it's bc i cant Finish my meals half the time that's really causing problems.#staring at my half eaten bowl of ramen very grumpily. it has now been long enough that it's kind of gross.#and my arms hurt. just bc my bone aches have decided to flare up again. very grumpy.#negative/#i guess lol
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Some of the stuff ive been spinning on the handmade supported spindles. That bigger green skein was done on my largest handmade supported spindle, and i think i could have fit quite a bit more on there, so im really pleased with that. Obviously nowhere near what i can fit on a bobbin on my wheel, but theres trade offs with everything.
#handspun yarn#spinning#supported spinning#such a long night at work#by migraine meds are sort of cancelling out my muscle relaxants which are the main way i can fall asleep#so ive been up 20 hours 😔 and had a migraine the whole time#idk with the higher dose of sumatriptan it definitely dulls it but it also makes me sick as hell#which is better than a full migraine but good god it does suck right now#trying to juggle everything with half a migraine no sleep and puking up most of what i eat is. hard.#i dunno man. its hard.#glad i have fiber arts. i think without it i would be hopelessly lost#chronic illness
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need at least 1 person to be mentally ill with in the dms about my own writing perhaps then ill be able to publish something
#its sooooo pathetique but unfortunately being that im in a 2 year ongoing Rut i kind of uh. need the external stimuli here.#plus its nice to have someone to bounce ideas with & also just care in general yk. ive got whole fics that basically just happened bc i had#a conversation w someone who could 'yes and' with me for a bit#2019 was a good year for this for me personally#very productive i had so much fun#losing it sucked lmao i just dont feel as comfortable speaking my ideas anymore#i still think theyre good. i keep plotting things in my head but they never make it past the draft#IF we get to a concrete draft at all lbr#idk how to explain it. i enjoy what i make i find it interesting but sharing has kind of lost its shine.#a lot of the people i was hanging with then moved on which is what it is + i dont think we were as close as we were in my head anyway#but ive become way more conscious of dominating spaces#idk i just miss it. i feel like everything im doing is a solo project these days#its very lonely#easy to lose steam also when i dont have much energy to start with#but mostly just very lonely.#playing dolls with myself etc etc etc its fine when its voluntary but when its not.#well. its Not.#lol.
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i think the point of a university-level education is a bit lost on some of my course mates...
#things are not going to be spoon fed to you you will have to do your own research#seek out your own education guided by lectures and assignments#relish that freedom instead of lamenting it!!#some of these assignments are actually good and ive been able to tailor them to my interests#like rn im learning about the uses of bracken in ancient scotland!#i just did a whole project on tomato grafting (i love solanaceae - tomato family) and whilst it was hard i did enjoy reading about it#we had some mini essays to research and they were so interesting to research and fun to write because one of them was a comparing two#articles and one of them was really bad so it was fun to rip it to shreds and actually apply the knowledge we've been accumulating in class#but i think the point of doing all this is lost on some of them#which is a real shame#maybe im just a nerd?#i very much have the benefit of doing a degree before this so maybe im being harsh#but saying that assessments suck doesnt make them any more interesting#also we have so much free reign over topic that if it sucks it's kind of on you a lil bit#though i will admit some of the assignments are stupid
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arasawa from masato's perspective is genuinely peak comedy i cant stress this enough
#arasawa#snap chats#i think of it every day and yet ive only tickled the topic in comics..#like imagine youre Masato and your dead tells you your mom died making sure you could live. A Life yeah#i meant 'dad' but. freudian slip lol#but anyway so youre just I Hate Everything and shit and then All Of A Sudden some fuckass starts coming around#which like Nothing New It's Dad's Job To Collect Lost Boys Right ok well this one's Weird.#first off he's already sucking up to you and TRYING to be nice. he's awkward And Weird but it's clear he's trying (which is annoying)#but over time now your dad starts to go to work in the same car as him. and he has the AUDACITY to bring him in the house sometimes#to have DINNER with him and like he's there for your dad obvi but he's also fixated on you. Vaguely.#not overtly but enough to squint at yeah. like Stop Acting Like My Dad You're Not My Dad (but he is)#the gradual acquisition of a second dad is the funniest concept in the world to me and i HAVE to make a comic about it#i could make it angsty but i already did that once so we're moving on#i already made a comic about masato realizing his dads zesty i cant do it again but god its still funny to me#noooo who left the tag on one of my posts that was along the lines of 'masato isnt homophobic So He Says its just Thats His Dad'#that. that forever and always. Sawashiro Stop Dating My Dad It's Weird (But Not Because It's Gay It's Because It's My Dad. Who I Hate.)#masato had to die lest he and ichi BOTH get to approach sawashiro like So Did You. 👁️👁️#at least ichi can do that....... //casually writes down notes// anyways.#masato being constantly annoyed about sawashiro being in His House but also begrudgingly 'accepting' his presence is peak to me#him referring to sawashiro as a 'lost dog' is burned forever in my mind like he was THERE there for that boy... annoyingly so lol..#ok im gonna go have a meltdown as i fall asleep bye now
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good lord William's voice does so much to me. like it's not fair how down bad I am solely because of his voice
#when i was a kid i could imagine any voice saying any phrase i wanted but ive lost that skill as an adult#which sucks so bad#how am i supposed to be properly insane about him#i havent animated in so long but i need to animate something to his voice
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well folks its been a good two months of denial but i am finally ready to admit that the reason everything sucks is because of major depression relapse. if i werent so depressed id make this everyone elses problem by projecting it on to blorbo but alas
#taylor.txt#incapable of making this not a joke but i do have to say it kinda sucks#like obviously ive never been 100% free of my depression probably on account of it developing when i was a Child and then not getting any#treatment or even really any sympathy for until i was in my late teens but. BUT. even my historic mental breakdown 2 years ago didnt really#feel like depression. like yeah i was sad and hopeless but this is very different. sad and lethargic more so. simply too tired to be lost i#despair. which is i guess a good thing because it means its easier for me to fix. its just that right now im kinda stuck in it#i dont know if id say ive experienced major depression since my first year of uni#thats why ive been denying it all this time despite it being pretty…glaringly obvious#anyway. good news is im meeting with the prof of one of the classes im currently failing this week#and now i guess i kind of have an idea of what to tell her because all this time ive been struggling and i havent understood why#the content makes sense. i understand whats going on. but my memory has gotten so bad recently and the energy required to do my assignments#has been way too much. and im past my limit on that at this point unfortunately. like yeah shes probably gonna tell me well that sucks but#theres nothing i can do to save your grade and thats fine but at least i know even if it was a Me Problem that i let myself get depressed#again in the first place being actively depressed is a major barrier that i at least know isnt 100% me being an idiot with a bad attitude#i will struggle to the finish line but i will make it there. even if i fail a class or two in the process#and regardless of if it gets better i will finally go see my therapist again in the new year </3 something obviously led to this so whos to#say it wouldnt happen again if i just let that fester. whatever it is#also writing has been tough for the same reason school has been tough but its still happening and i will do more of it when school is over#i PROMMY
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