#but it's a process i'm still grieving

[fonulyn]

i miss having someone who was excited about my fics during the writing process and who cheerleadered me on and i could brainstorm with. the process is so goddamn lonely now.

[guardianbee]

rewatching s1 meljay scenes just to feel something and while I want to do an analysis of their relationship to argue against every bonehead that touts "mel manipulated jayce" I got to the end where jayce tells the council to go fuck themselves BUT THEN POINTEDLY TURNS TO MEL AND SOFTLY SAYS "Except you. You were right. You were always right." And I CRY OKAY. Her eyes widen and it sinks in that there's someone who supports the same vision of peace she has, who VALIDATES her views. And one of the LAST scenes is them smiling at one another when the council agrees to Zaun's independence. They made peace without going to war. Without using hextech and corrupting jayce and viktor's dream. Without compromising mel's values.

And then s2 fucked that all up.

[holyshit]

.

[invertedspoon]

i honestly have no idea what Kaeya was thinking when he told Diluc that he was a spy. dude your dad just died. idk. maybe console your brother or something. crazy idea right? and i get that the guilt of his secret was weighing on him so harshly that he couldn't keep it anymore but like.... making your brother's worst birthday ever WORSE?? maybe he did deserve to get beat up idk

[mad-hunts]

roleplay idea: barton's trying to say this BS that he's 'good at processing grief' when your muse was a witness to the absolute rage-filled and deranged rampage that barton went on after julien was killed by the joker in which he brutally hurt all but one of his henchmen (he killed the last one because he told him he was 'crazy' and that he 'better kill him, or he was going to tell his boss that barton had been there' and he literally just snapped, went 'you know what, i think i will kill you AND also let the joker know i killed you so he knows to never come near my family again' then killed him. like HUHHH?) at the time with your muse being like this

[kennyomegasweave]

Phupha 2 telling Kram 1 he'd pick the first person he had even if he fell for a second person just made me gasp. Cause I mean. Well. Phupha 1 had a fiancée, then met Kram 1, then said absolutely nothing about her to Kram 1, but once Kram 1 did find out about her & met her tried to pull out some "baby I was gonna tell you, I promise it's not what you think!" And then he just died? And now Kram 1 is falling for Tai 2 while also being like "no you love Phupha 1" like that entire man isn't dead???

Please someone just hug Tai 2. Like my god. His whole ass man died and then his man's other world double showed up and he tried to keep his distance but caught feelings, but Kram 1 still thought he could just switch Phupha 2 in for his dead Phupha 1 just for Kram 1 to realize he doesn't actually want Phupha 2??? And he does what Tai 2??? Please someone just hug Tai 2. I'm begging.

[rottiens]

Did you ever self-insert into SnK? If yes, what was your backstory? What was your rank? What was your casual outfit like? And who was your bae? 👀

[airenyah]

got through the entire heavy metal concert part (including the "i'm very happy tonight" scene) of my meta and then decided just go ahead and rewatch the last scene at the diner before going to sleep because that sure is a very great idea at 4:30am and wouldn't you know it now i'm deeply deeply sad

[pronounrespector]

I'm not gonna be as active as I was for a little bit. I will try to post art when I can I guess

[sparkspropaganda]

I also have to say that now that i'm over halfway done w season 2 i loveeee armand. I liked him in the book too but i just keep thinking abt him he and claudia might be my two favorites idk. "Is that what makes you fascinating" like fuck dude lol

[chaoticdelinqueerwithglitter]

I'm still not sure of how I feel about this season finale.

Kisaki's death was awful to watch, it had me shaking. And the added flashbacks between him and Takemichi were great (and break me a lot, Kisaki just wanted to be like his hero. Great, now I'm crying for that idiot).

(and we still didn't saw Hanma crying, because that... Argh. There is something so not okay in Hanma crying).

But the way they ended it was weird. I mean, I loved to see Kakucho and Takemichi together. Even if Kakucho is so depressed and so empty without Izana 🥲

It's just that this ending doesn't feel like it's hinting what is coming. And a lot is coming. So I don't know, it just feels weird.

Or maybe I'm just terriblely biased because I wanted Bonten, it could be. We had the pain and the trauma of Tenjiku, our beloved characters had the pain and the trauma of Tenjiku. So let us see how pretty and how pretty traumatized they are 12 years later. I need to cope, okay?

(Where is my little pink psycho? Where? 😭)

So, for now, this is all I will say:

Look at Haruchiyo looking at Mucho for one last time.

(He looks like a freaking angel, btw. Once more liden films out badget on him. Not complaining but where is the pink hair and the maniacal grin. Where.)

Deciding what he would do once he sees him again (yes, he decided it there, I know it), but unable to resist to give him one last glance, to say goodbye to his captain. Before having to kill him. Yey, tragic MuSan is coming next season and I'm not okay.

(I already saw KakuIza game over. I can't keep watching one character of every one of my ships dying. But this is TR and I also ship MaiTake so I guess I will just keep watching it because Bonten and Kanto Manji are coming. Yey. They keep dying more than once. But both of them. Yuhu.)

[yourworldiseternallycomplete]

my dad called to tell me that his father died and also that he's been listening to this podcast about an unsolved chlorine bomb at a furry convention in chicago

[nebulouscoffee]

Friends I crave distraction. Please feel free to send me random Star Trek asks - about the shows, the characters, hot takes, theories, your fics, my fics, someone else's fics- anything is fine, I would very much welcome it

[ourceliumnetwork]

pardon me while i emotionally process all over everything

Monday's just decided to kick off really hard - it's only the one thing, and it's just stewing in the back of my mind really hard and has been for *checks time stamps* 2.5 hours.

the important thing for me to remember is my dad (and my mom too) is not owed nor does he deserve an explanation for why i cut him and mom off. They truly honestly probably do not understand why I made that choice and frankly i think the fact that that hasn't changed over the past year is telling about how little they truly look at their own actions.

I want to explain but as soon as I put it into words, I can immediately strike myself down with the things that I know they will say. Any attempt at giving any explanation will be met with denial and that's just not a battle I feel like participating in.

I spent my whole life doing the emotional heavy lifting for my family of origin and I got tired of it. I'm struggling with the way my brain is wired because of it on a daily basis. This effects my whole life and my loved ones. And it didn't even do what it was supposed to when i developed the coping mechanisms.

I am really really cognizant of it because we've added a 4th person to our home and I'm scrambling to learn them and their tells and their moods quickly so I can be The Best At Helping in any situation. And I'm running into the wall of "that's not my job and is generally unwelcome unless asked for specifically" and so I am sat here taking in footsteps and movement styles and tones of voice trying to catalog them for future reference and not being able to do anything with that and knowing it's a flawed coping skill to deal with an unstable and volatile home life in my early childhood and I just want more than ANYTHING to be able to backsass and confront my parents about the way they've fucked me up and I can't.

i will type it all out and immediately change my mind - the words aren't correct, they can never be correct because the words don't matter. I could say everything perfectly and it wouldn't make any difference because my parents are dead set on invalidating any stance I make for myself and myself alone.

And also guilt tripping at the end of truly bad news (but like, neutral truly bad news) is not the way to get an explanation. It's a way to make me angry that I cannot begin the proper grieving process ahead of time because you're making a last ditch attempt to dig into me and not let me get away without an answer to the question you do not deserve to have answered. There was no indication they have looked at themselves and seen the way that they treated me was bad enough to cause my brain to splinter into multiple different people just in order to get by. They do not understand how much i wanted to die when I was trying to be a good kid for them. And they can't understand because they didn't pay attention then so me telling them about it now will look like i'm making things up.

They also have in the past given me large sums of money that I didn't have to work for dad to get, but it always came with other - more fraught - strings to deal with. and knowing that they bailed me out makes me feel super guilty for not giving them an explanation but it also really hammers home how much I just cannot say "you treated me badly" because they will throw that money in my face and say "we did everything for you, we deserve your love for the bare minimum of affection!" and money, btw, is not affection but they don't know that and now I have to figure that shit out.

and also we never repaired our relationship after I stopped working for him. I'm pretty sure he took my leaving the company personally - and he should, it was because of him I couldn't work for him anymore - but i know it's been worked around in their minds as my choice for completely unfathomable reasons that they clearly just cannot wrap their heads around because it doesn't make sense. why would i just cut them off, they've been good parents! why would I just leave the company, he was a great boss!

but they weren't, and he wasn't, and I suffered for it and I hid my suffering and because i hid my pain (as i was taught to do from VERY early on because i have been in pain MY WHOLE LIFE) they will never believe i was in it in the first place. because they don't believe me about my physical pains either and never have. why would they care about the mental and emotional pains?

they'd probably also come back with "Everyone's messed up by their parents, you need to just get over it" if I did bring up that their behavior towards me fucked me over. Because that's what they've said in the past - maybe not directly to me but in general.

a lot of my assumptions of their responses are based on what they used to just say. or continue to say. or how they'd say it. or how they'd talk about specific other people who i didn't think were bad people but boy did the way they talk about them make me go "well i guess i can't like that person now" and it isolated me from everyone. I had no way out, I had no escape i had no one but myself.

well and my internet friends but for a very long time I had a hard time remembering those were real fucking people on the other end of the internet connection, because i didn't have anyone else but the computer and those who i had a connection to through said computer.

oh and the reason this all came up?

my grandpa's going into hospice - he was in the hospital all weekend. he's the one with cancer that he stopped treating because the treatments were taking too much of a toll on his body. They had to cut their vacation short to take my grandparents back home and that same day my grandpa went into the hospital - dad made sure to mention the vacation to me, because i guess that's important. Didn't tell me any details on how the hospice thing is going to work (maybe he didn't know, maybe he didn't think that's important for me coordinating how to contact my grandparents to check in but whatever), but it was imperative that i know that their vacation ended early so they could take him home. And it was important to guilt trip me at the end to try and reopen communication with me on the email i deliberately did not give out to them, and they had to circumvent my blocks elsewhere in order to acquire because they didn't ask me for it.

I don't know how many people in my family know I'm not talking to my parents. I don't know how far that information has spread I don't know who leaked my email to them (that's a strong way of phrasing it but it feels about as violating, since i rock up into my inbox today and get jumpscared by my fucking dad's name and his absolutely abysmal choice in subject lines. literally could have said "grandpa update" or something similar. no he just said "Stuff" and then opens with "Hope you're doing well. Grandpa's in the hospital" and like????

he got lucky i opened it because i can see the message preview and knew it had important information. I might have seen it and gone "y'know, I don't care what he has to say about "stuff"" and hit delete and not known.

but like WTF dad. wtf.

go to hell, my dude. go to the absolute eebiest of deebies you cuntwaffle.

and take mom with you.

[dan-crimes]

I don't personally enjoy death in my stories for one because I have no experience with it personally and for two because you can't torture a character anymore once they've died 😇

[draconicace]

sucks applying to jobs with a bachelors it's either you're slightly underqualified, *really* underqualified, or so overqualified the weight of your student loan debt has taken physical form like atlas lifting the earth