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danddymaro · 4 years ago

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Nameless Girl | Shizuo Heiwajima x Reader

I remember when I first watched Durarara years ago, I instantly liked Shizou. Such a sweet, misunderstood man.

‘ example’ = Italics in quotations are thoughts

example = Italics W/out are flashbacks

Wordcount:

Nameless Girl

She hadn’t expected to ever find herself filled with such excitement, much less having thought that it would come right to her,

But it did, and it started out like any other day...

“Yes,” she replied dully, “ I’m almost home dummy, stop worrying,” she said with a smile, trying to shake off her good friend’s worry. “I know it’s getting dark, but trust me the streets are packed,” (f/n) argued back, “So, nothing’s gonna happen,” she assured (best friend’s name.)

News of the Slasher set off worry, and her good friend was one of the many people set on protective overdrive,

“ Alright, Alright, I’ll message you when I get home, alright?” (f/n) said with a soft smile, shaking her head as she was still on the phone.

From the other line an exasperated voice continued to jabber, annoyed at the casual manner the young woman dismissed it with,

“-Ok, Ok Bye!” (f/n) laughed, hanging up. “I swear nothing will happen!” She added with assurance trying to play off the seriousness with her chuckle.

Because what were the odds she’d be attacked?

What were the odds something so extraordinary would happen to the ordinary?

She was ready to put her phone back in her jacket’s pocket when she suddenly fell back. Her cell, which had been in her right hand, practically flew from her loose grasp as she came down.

It then slid farther from her and onto the crowded street, making her eyes round widely,

“Oh shit!” she fretted, crawling towards the fallen, little technological piece with haste. Fortunately, she hadn’t taken long to react, scrambling off from her ass and crawling towards the cell before someone carelessly stomped on it.

Once her hand came in contact with the phone the young woman snatched it and clutched it close to her chest, almost afraid to take a moment to look down at it, knowing it could be cracked.

Yet again she cursed, hoping to high heaven that it was just fine, or that at the very least, it had a tiny, itsy bitsy scratch she could just ignore.

Standing up, she gave a quick heave before dashing her (e/c) eyes down to the cell, finding it to be safe from any nasty damage.

Not a single chip or crack was in sight making her cry out of utter joy,

“Yes!” she chirped, her face wiped off of any trace of negative emotion, instead, looking elated.

It had taken her months to pay it off, and she would have been heartbroken to know the small splurge she’d invested in hadn’t lasted even a year.

‘Luck is on my side!’ She cheered.

A low rumble of curses then brought her eyes forward, causing them to land onto a man who seemed to be in a similar position as she was,

‘Hold on,’ She thought to herself, feeling her blood run cold. ‘You've got to be kidding me,’ She inwardly cried.

As she had trailed her eyes up to him, her breath hitched, immediately recognizing him from the descriptions, and biting her tongue, she refrained from saying something stupid that could trigger him.

He was someone an everyday person would gossip of, but never have the nerve to face, not even in a wild dream...

‘Shizuo Heiwajima.’ She confirmed once taking a second look at his outfit.

It was the same Shizuo Heiwajima she’d been warned to stay away from. The same one that couldn’t control his rage, who terrorized the entire city with flying vending machines on a daily occurrence as well.

‘THAT Shizuo Heiwajima...’ She thought to herself visibly shrinking. ‘Lucky me’ She panned, taking back her earlier declaration of good fortune.

“I’m so sorry!” she squeaked, quickly bowing her head in apology, “ I should have watched where I was going!” she blubbered, “ I’m really sorry!” she rambled on before the man, sticking her head down with the utmost respect.

‘Please don’t kill me!’ She translated in her mind, hoping he understood the unspoken cry through her apology.

Watching with widened eyes, he stared down the young woman with a look of surprise worn on his face. His full attention was on her to such a degree that almost everything else became an afterthought. Heck, even the guy he’d been chasing down became irrelevant by then.

He had even forgotten why he had been so angry in the first place…

‘Some dumbass…’ He dumbly thought to himself, ‘It’s always some dumbass,’ He added, knowing it was true.

“That dumbass who’s probably gone by now,” he tisked to himself, slowly coming back to his senses, his shoulders dropping in defeat.

Taking notice of his rather passive, defeated behavior she stood up with returning confidence, her concern growing for him instead,

“Hey...I didn’t hurt you did I?” she asked with worry, taking a small step forward, a notable concern visible on her lovely face. However, it was clearly noted she was still cautious not to come too close, despite the placid kindness being directed at him.

‘I wasn't the one that just flew a couple of feet…’ He thought to himself as he shook his head.

He then stared stunned at her as he saw her hand open before him. Nervously, her hand stretched out to him and with graciousness he took it, soon standing at his full height and towering before her,

‘I guess I should just thank her,’ He thought to himself, intent on doing so, however, he found difficulty in doing so.

He opened his mouth to speak, letting nothing but a small croak escape his dry mouth. With pursed lips he continued to stare down at the female, not knowing how to push out the jumbled words from his mouth.

To his misfortune, his voice caught in his throat, and instead of being a normal human being with actual social skills, he turned, walking away stiffly.

That day, Shizuo Heiwajima cowered, leaving the dumbfounded cutie with confusion in regards to their first encounter.

“Wait...what was really him?” She said softly, murmuring to herself with wonder.

She lightly gnawed at her thumb’s already abused and previously chewed little nail, not sure what to really think of him.

‘ Rather odd, but not at all some monstrous freak, ’ she thought to herself. ‘...Kind of cute actually,’ she mused with a small, girlish giggle. “Kind of cute?” she said out loud to herself as she contemplated over her daring, little thought.

“More like handsome, kind of charming,” she corrected herself thinking back to the man and the little stain of pink that may or may not have been painted over his face.

‘But wasn’t he supposed to bash my face in?’ She wondered. ‘Beat me up?’ She added, confused, though grateful none were part of the aftermath of their collision.

Her thoughts were then halted when she heard a different voice, deep and masculine with a heavy hint of an accent clearly not native to Japan,

“ Come try Russian sushi, yes?” The man said, offering her a gigantic smile of welcome.

“Russian sushi?” she repeated back, confused, “Is there such a thing?” she muttered before she turned to the voice.

And In her vision was a very tall man, with dark skin and grey eyes peering down at her.

She jumped seeing such a gigantic man towering over her, but quickly calmed at seeing he was just offering her a piece of paper.

Gingerly she accepted it, her eyes skimming over it.

“Ah, Russian sushi, so Russian accent,” she confirmed with a nod.

“Yes, yes, come try, you will like!” He said as he began to push her towards his shop. “ It's fresh! it's good!” He insisted, not giving her room for denial.

She sweatdropped as she allowed herself to be pushed inside because she knew that even if she tried to oppose, she doubted he’d let her slip by without her giving his restaurant a try.

Staying was a decision she didn't regret because she did enjoy it there and if she could give it an 8/10, a rating she’d be more than willing to rethink once she came back later in the week.

Her life then went on as usual, with the same ol same ol, except for one, tiny, little detail,

‘Shizuo,’ She mused, wondering just what he’d been up to the last few weeks.

Nothing had changed in her life except for the fact that every now and then, far too often in her opinion, she thought of the blonde man. Sometimes it was unexpected, remembering him throughout the course of the uneventful weeks with fondness.

Other times, like the present time, she willingly thought of him, wanting to know if the rumors about him were true,

‘Does he always wear that suit, and nothing more?’ She pondered, truly curious.

It was a cold winter night and Ikebukuro looked beautiful, a lovely sight to behold. The gentle descension of snowfall was a pretty sight to witness as it covered everything in sight, painting the streets with pure white.

As the snow came dancing down from the sky and peppering the streets with teenie dots of white, she smiled happily, not at all in opposition to the chillier days to come.

It was the first snow day of many to come, and she looked forward to what days lay ahead, fully prepared to enjoy each and every one.

She liked snow, and of course, what was much more, the chilliness of the night.

Momentarily, (f/n) found herself stopping, gazing up at the snowfall with memorization as the rest of the crowd went along their night, almost as though nothing had changed.

Almost like the beautiful sight was something of the everyday,

‘I guess that's what city life is,’ she thought to herself, taking into consideration that in such a buzzing and packed city, people didn’t have time to just stand and stare at the sky as idly as she did.

They had places to go, people to be with...

And those who weren't in a rush to get home had already had enough of the season.

Her tongue peeked from her lips, sticking out straight in wait of a teenie, little dot or two to land on it. And it didn’t take long before she caught some, having them instantly melt onto her warm muscle.

“ ah...I really do love Ikebukuro.” She mumbled, keeping her nose lifted, staring up at the darkened sky with glazed eyes of astonishment. “It’s so lovely here,” she added, digging her gloved hands in her coat pockets as she began to walk forward mindlessly.

She didn’t have a real destination, nowhere she had to really be at the moment, so decided she wanted to see more of the busy city.

Maybe she’d find some new place to eat, a new place to shop...

Heck, even some new friends.

‘I should get to talking to more people,’ She mused, knowing that co-workers didn’t really count.

She did also have (best friend) But they were out of the city, a long way from each other, studying off elsewhere to work on their dream career.

‘Maybe I should have also gone...’ She thought to herself, ‘Maybe I should have just taken the risk...go off somewhere else.’ She thought dejected.

‘Thinking of taking risks...’ she added while her mind yet again drifted off to the strange man she had met a couple of weeks ago,

‘Shizuo, I wonder if I’ll ever see you again... I also wonder If It'd be such a bad idea to go and look for you...’ she continued while her mind went to the blonde male, well aware that she had gotten an innocent, little infatuation with him.

With a blue sigh, she pouted, ‘Figures I’d set myself on someone so

…unattainable.’

Her body then clashed with another and she fell back with a small yelp, startled by the collision.

“Ahh man,” she sighed, and she winced as she slowly rose her head up, looking up at the man standing before her. And as luck would have it had been the one person she had found herself thinking of just a little too much lately,

Shizuo Heiwajima...

‘ It’s him, ‘ she thought while her (e/c) colored eyes rounded, a smile rising.

The same blonde-haired, sunglass-wearing guy from before was right there and to her disappointment, he looked not all too different from the first time she'd encountered him.

With the colder weather, everyone had decided to switch out to burlier clothing, something to bring warmth, but Shizuo was the strange man out, wearing the same bartender suit as that previous night, having nothing at all to save him from the cold night.

He looked exactly as he did the last time they met, except now he was adorned with few bruises over his face, red little blotches staining his white button-up shirt as well.

He tisked, a sound of obvious annoyance, preparing himself to give whatever idiot that crashed into him a good scare, when he stopped dead in his tracks, staring at the person with widened eyes.

'No way,’ He thought while marveling at her.

it was the same girl that he ran into before, now sitting right in front of him, the same little, startled expression she had worn the first time being present.

‘Ah, damn…’ He thought to himself as he felt his mouth go dry, the little bit of saliva that he could gather up forcibly traveling down his throat as he tried to prep himself to say something, preferably something nice.

Something that wouldn't make her run off too quickly….

“Maybe this is how we’ll keep meeting, eh?” She said smiling, beating him, seeming to not think twice about starting a little conversation with him.

“You keep running into me,” she added, smiling with amusement, a hint of tease in her playful tone.

‘Does she even know who I am ?’ he wondered with a small huff.

“Yeah…” He responded, holding out his hand to her, one she took without hesitance.

Everything went by swimmingly until she frowned, pursing her lips together and sighing, seeming annoyed with something.

“ Oh... You shouldn't be walking around like that.” She Chided, shaking her head in disapproval and pointing towards him, more specifically his attire.

He looked down at his clothing and wondered just what the heck she was talking about, what bothering his choice of clothing did to her.

“It's so cold outside,” she said shaking her head at him. “....And you're wearing that,” she said in a knowing manner, a hand on her hip, fully judging him.

“ so ?” he responded, a bit roughly, raising his defenses up as she attacked his outfit, the same one his brother had so kindly given him.

“The so is that you’ll get sick,” she said in a ‘matter of fact’ fashion, her face showing worry, melting into sweet concern.

“ you don't know me,” he responded back, stuffing his hands in his pockets, glaring down at her, chewing on his tongue, knowing he was sounding like a complete asshole. He didn’t want to sound so sharp and dismissive, but she was making him nervous, the little woman making his heart grow erratic.

He’d been practicing small talk, little things he could say to her if he ever had the chance of running into her again, but as he found himself at the perfect moment to use his mirror exercises, he blanked.

“So?” She said copying in his earlier response, making his eyebrow twitch. “ I might not know you, but you can still get sick,” She elaborated.

‘Walking out in the cold like this,’ She thought with lightly pressed lips.

Didn’t anyone worry about the man?

Unwrapping the warm scarf around her neck she offered it to him with a gentle smile, “ Here,” she said to him. She held it out practically shoving it in his face, “ just take this,” she added softly.

To anyone else, the offer may have been easy to understand, but he seemed to not get the gist of what she was doing, staring quizzically at the held out piece of cloth.

Like before he said nothing and only stared down at her, the same face caught in between anger, frustration, and just a whole lot of other mixes of messy emotions he wasn’t well at controlling.

She gave him an exasperated smile and shook her head while seeming entertained by him, and he wondered if she smiled so much around everyone else.

Was she all giggles and smiles?

Was she always so cute?

“I can tell you're not the type of guy for hand me outs, especially from some stranger,” she giggled. “ nonetheless...take it please,” she added.

His eyes were unreadable to her as she couldn't see past the tinted frames, but if she had been able to peek past them she would have easily noticed that they were practically glowing with appreciation.

His hardened hazelnut orbs softened and glimmering with gratefulness he couldn't properly put into words because yet again his voice had died.

He inwardly cursed, belittling his stubborn mouth for not moving all while he berated himself for not being a normal human being.

And perhaps his behavior seemed strange to others, but to her it was endearing.

“Maybe next time we run into each other you can hand it back,” she told him, her heart fluttering at the idea.

She giggled against her will at the noticeable tinge of pink on his pale cheeks, because with such a serious face he looked adorable.

And once again, she wondered if this man, Shizuo Heiwajima was the same one the vicious rumors had made him out to be.

Was he really a violent man? Terrifying?

‘ Not likely...’ she thought.

She’d only met him twice, and each time it was pleasant to encounter.

He had the right to snap at her for bumping into him, but he didn’t. Instead, he stayed quiet, just shy enough to show off the sweet rosy color now present on his cheeks.

If anything, she concluded that he was just a bit more on the less social side, which she understood, being somewhat of an introvert herself.

“So just take it, It's fine !” she chirped with insistence. Giving him no escape by following up with a wave, dashing through the filled streets on her way home, grinning wildly, her heart happy and bouncing with each step.

“- Please take care of yourself! ” she advised him before running off into the crowd and eventually disappearing away through the mass of people.

She just wanted to go home now, push her face against a pillow and squeal, gush like a teen with a massive crush,

‘I can’t believe I ran into him again!

And I can’t believe I gave my scarf to him!’

It was only a matter of seconds before she vanished, not a strand of ( h/c) hair being left behind to trail after.

- Only then could he begin to function properly, finding his voice.

He then stared down at the piece of clothing and sighed, reluctantly wrapping it properly around his neck, his gloved hand momentarily stroking it, not being able to feel the material with his own hands, but from the way it tickled at the back of his neck, he could feel the softness, and even the warmth she left behind on it.

“At Least it's not flashy,” he muttered looking down at it.

It wasn't designed in any particular way that stood out, just a simple black color that seemed to be knitted wool.

if anyone were to see him wearing it they wouldn’t assume it belonged to anyone else but him.

But there was just one thing that was off...

A distinguishable scent invaded his senses, blocking out the rest of the city's mixed uniqueness, becoming the overpowering fragrance.

With his right hand, he pushed the material around his neck up slightly above his pointed nose, smothering it with the sweet smell.

‘ perfume.’ He figured, ‘ Her perfume...’

He stood motionless for a few seconds, lost in his thoughts, many of which were about the (h/c) woman, but he knew they had no true importance.

They were things like :

Did she knit the scarf herself? Or had she bought it?

Had a friend been thoughtful enough to give it to her?

Was it just perfume? Or was it the fabric softener she used?

Was it maybe body wash?

All he knew was that it was a sweet, little smell that surrounded him, making his mind grow jumbled with thoughts of the young woman, most of which included questions he had about her since he first saw her.

It made the already noticeable blush on his cheeks worsen, and he huffed in frustration.

His warm breath collided with the chilly air and made a large puff of white cloud form,

“Damn it …” he muttered, looking back to the direction (f/n) ran off to.

He should've thanked her...

He should have said something other than grunt like some wild boar...

He really should have...

‘I’m such an idiot,’ He thought to himself.

He regretted not doing so for the second time, proving he was nothing more than some unsociable buffoon not capable of even giving her a well deserved and good-natured thank you.

“Damn it !” he said louder, wanting to bash his head into a brick wall, maybe more than once… perhaps a good three or four times just to make sure he did a good job.

If he pushed everyone aside and sent their frail bodies flying as he dashed through... Would he then reach her..?

Would he somehow be able to find that sweet, little lady now that the full streets of Ikebukuro had swallowed her up? Or were their meetings only chance?

Two chances he had already blundered.

“It’d be my luck,” he grumbled, thinking about the possibility that this had been his one shot.

‘ What was her name?’ He wondered, inwardly cursing at the fact that in those two times, he hadn’t even bothered to ask for her name. She knew him very well, his name and his reputation, and yet she was a mystery to him.

A cute face without a name...

“She’s probably gone by now..” He said looking up at the darkened sky.

‘ She was pretty cute... ‘

So cute he thought about her again that night, not knowing he was on her mind with similar regrets.

......................

He took a low drag of his cigarette, the last of the death stick as he thought about her some more. By that point, nothing was able to give him ease as even his favorite brand of smoke was falling short.

He looked down at his watch's face, the hour hand finally changing before his eyes.

In his opposite hand, he held the black scarf, unintentionally squeezing it tight in his nervous hand.

Leaned against an open shop’s wall he waited for her to show up, having realized that it was around the time she usually passed by.

With another hour passing him, and an extra twenty-five minutes to add along to the waiting time, Shizuo sighed largely, his head hanging,

“ I look like an idiot, “ he muttered, his grip on the scarf tightening.

The hand where he wore his watch was also full, holding a small arrangement of flowers he had picked out, now being bent at their stems.

Pushing himself off from the building, he decided to go back home, having spent too much of his time waiting on someone that wouldn't show.

Someone he didn’t even know...

In all his frustrated disappointment he then caught the sight of (h/c) colored hair, the side profile of a familiar beauty walking right past him.

It was a desperate, daring move, but as she took a step forward his arm shot out, pressed against her midsection to hold her back, causing her to suddenly yelp.

“Hey just who-” Stopping midway through her rant she looked up at the blonde, her face instantly brightening, rid of all the trace of annoyance she had begun to show,

“Oh Shizuo!” she chirped, smiling brightly as though she’d just caught sight of an old friend.

“It’s really you!” She said with a small grin, not at all bothered by their proximity, nor his intimate hold on her, seeming somewhat disappointed when he let go, giving her the ability to properly face him,

“Here,” he said stiffly, shoving the crushed blossoms in her hands, and with Wide eyes, she gazed down at them,

‘He got me flowers,’ She mused, not able to hide the instant wash of giddiness that drowned her.

‘He got me flowers...’ She thought again as he walked alongside her, suggesting to walk her home, his justification being that there was a murder on the streets, one he’d protect her from.

‘He’s walking me home...’ She added, her face glowing the entire time.

“Thank you for walking me home,” she said softly, speaking with notable appreciation, “And for the scarf,” she added. “ Oh… and the flowers, “ she continued on, still holding on to the ruined bouquet, holding them with both hands, caring for them as though they hadn’t been completely destroyed by his stupid strength already.

“Yeah…” he muttered, his face drawing away from her, but his eyes peering down to the small flowers, slowly trailing them up to the small, pretty smile she wore.

“Well...this is it,” She informed him, stopping at a small apartment complex, “Luckily for me, it's right at the front,” She told him, gesturing towards the small entranceway facing the street.

“Um...Shizuo?” She said softly, seeming shy at the little utter. She gestured him closer with her index finger, and surely he came down to her, thinking she had something else to say, but to his surprise she came up to him, softly pressing her lips over his cheek, her warm lips spreading heat through his entire face, going against the chilly air’s own caress.

Backing away from him she hid behind her door, peeking out at him, her pretty (e/c) eyes batting, “ Thank you Shizuo… thank you for being gentleman,” she told him, seconds before she closed the door on him, a soft click of the door properly closing up, followed by another as she placed the lock on it sounded.

Dumbly, he stood motionless, staring at the spot before him where she had stood. With his hand slowly raising up, his fingers grazed over the small spot she had kissed him.

He couldn't believe she had actually done it or even considered it.

Putting his hand in his pockets he then hung his head, realizing he hadn't asked her for her name yet again.

They’d actually talked, swapping little mindless stories, and he was even led to her home, yet still had no name.

“Unbelievable,” he muttered while he hung his head, however this time around, he wasn’t defeated.

He wore a small smile, still feeling the ghost of the sweet press to his cheek present over his flesh.

‘Well...there's always tomorrow,’ He thought to himself, chuckling to himself as he thought of all the little excuses he could make to talk to her, knowing that it probably wasn’t necessary for him to wait out her door, because eventually, they’d run into each other again,

‘I’ll get it right,’ He mused, his walk back home pleasant as he thought of all the ways he could try and make her smile.

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stark-tony · 4 years ago

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tododeku fic recs

* = incomplete

meet you again someday (after we take the long way ’round) by theroyalsavage

summary: Midoriya Izuku's life is saved by a boy with the strongest Quirk he has ever seen.

Eventually - inevitably - he falls in love.(An AU in which Todoroki never attends UA, they never clash at the sports festival, but they come together all the same.)

pairings: tododeku

tags: hurt/comfort

warnings: none

that is just the way by celestialfics

summary: Shouto has his first sleepover.

pairings: tododeku

tags: fluff

warnings: none

what is right and what is easy by theroyalsavage

summary: Midoriya Izuku is not chosen to represent Hogwarts in the Triwizard Tournament. He does not slay a dragon, or rescue innocents, or brave a maze of dark magic. He does not win accolades, or fame, or glory.

Instead, Izuku meets the son of the greatest dark wizard of the age, a Durmstrang student with hair like a sunrise and eyes like a war. And maybe, he just might win something else.

pairings: tododeku, kiribaku, tsuchako

tags: fluff, angst

warnings: none

First Time For Everything by kazzarole

summary: Midoriya is the catalyst of many of the 'firsts' in Shouto's life--it just makes sense that Shouto should share his first kiss with him, too.

pairings: tododeku

tags: fluff

warnings: none

alone together by celestialfics

summary: Five times when other Class 1-A kids notice Todoroki and Midoriya in their own world.

pairings: tododeku

tags: fluff

warnings: none

A Simple Warmth by patster223

summary: “I’m trying to make Todoroki a sweater for his birthday, but…” Izuku pokes at the tangle of yarn. “It’s more complicated than I thought it would be.”

In which Izuku sucks at knitting, his classmates are eager to help out, Todoroki finally gets to be cozy, and knitting is a vector for romance.

pairings: tododeku

tags:

warnings: none

Conventional Taste by WowBoring

summary: He didn’t think it would matter if Midoriya were taking him to a sewer convention; it was probably still going to be the highlight of his Golden Week.

In order to avoid a visit from his unpleasant grandparents Todoroki attends a hero convention with Midoriya, and learns a few things along the way.

pairings: tododeku

tags: fluff

warnings: abuse

pls respond by Esselle

summary: 'Midoriya: UR SO CUTE

Shouto chokes on nothing. How is he supposed to respond to that? Is he supposed to respond at all?

Midoriya: Look at your big head aaaaaaaaaaaaah Midoriya: *Image Attached*

Oh, Shouto thinks. He was talking about Shouto's Nitotan, which is now smashed to one of Izuku's cheeks in the image Izuku just sent, as Izuku squeezes it joyfully. Even if Izuku wasn't talking to him directly, the butterflies in Shouto's stomach feel a bit joyful, too.

He types out: I wish I were that Nitotan right now. Then he snorts, and erases it.'

Izuku has a wide variety of special moves, but his Key Smash might be the most powerful of all.

pairings: tododeku

tags: fluff, humor

warnings: none

i can keep a secret, could you? by handcrusher (ameliafromafairytale)

summary: The last thing Todoroki wants is for his father to figure out that 1) he's gay and 2) he's dating the boy he's supposed to overcome as a hero. So, he and Midoriya devise a plan.

Just how long can they keep it up?

pairings: tododeku, tsuchako, momojirou

tags:

warnings:

hold on tight by lunalou

summary: "What are you doing?" Shouto asks.

"Hugging you." Midoriya returns in a patient voice. His arms tighten around Shouto's waist and he presses his forehead more firmly against his back. "You know it's a hug, Shouto-kun. Don't play dumb."

or, five times somebody from 1-a hugs todoroki and the one time he hugs them first

pairings: tododeku

tags:

warnings:

If I'm Being Honest.... by I_dont_know_man

summary: Midoriya scrunched up his nose in confusion. “Uh, Shouto, why are you glaring at me like that?”

“I-” Todoroki began to lie, until nausea slammed him like a door to any room that Bakugou entered. “I--” Todoroki grit his teeth, and glared daggers into the wall behind Midoriya. Goodbye, friendship. It had been absolutely divine while it lasted. “Because you’re very attractive.”

They say honesty is the best policy, but it sure as hell had a knack for Todoroki making a complete and utter fool of himself.

In which Todoroki is placed under a mysterious truth-telling quirk and suffers, Uraraka laughs at him, Midoriya is confused but smitten nonetheless, and Twitter is the thirstiest site on the planet.

pairings: tododeku, kiribaku

tags: humor, fluff

warnings:

Guiding Light by furihatachlookie

summary: It was his mother's idea to enroll him at the local elementary school. His father believed a private tutor was better, but nobody can argue with a mother who's made up her mind, and a balanced exposure to kids his own age sways his father's judgement enough to agree and sign the papers.

pairings: tododeku

tags: fluff, angst

warnings:

Todoroki and Yaoyorozu's Elite Study Club by hanwritesstuff (hannahkannao)

summary: “Well, as I see it, we have two options.” Shouto holds up two fingers. “We can either ignore this and pretend it never happened or... not.” He doesn't know which one he wants. “What does not entail, exactly?” Yaoyorozu asks. “...I don't know.”

In which Todoroki accidentally learns something about Yaoyorozu, Yaoyorozu accidentally learns something about Todoroki, and they spend a considerable portion of their study sessions... not studying.s

pairings: tododeku, momojirou

tags: fluff, humor

warnings:

Do What You Will, If That's What You Want by stanzas

summary: “What do you mean you’re retiring?” Bakugou asks nicely, or at least as nicely as someone like Bakugou can ask. The question is phrased more like a demand.“

Call it a mid-life crisis,” Shouto answers, like Bakugou asked him what the weather would be tomorrow, and takes a deep sip from his coffee. “I’m thinking of changing careers.”

The world of heroes is quick to adapt to surprises, but Pro Hero Entropy’s (very premature) retirement announcement throws almost everyone for a pretty impressive loop.

pairings: tododeku

tags: hurt/comfort, angst, humor

warnings:

extra, extra! by rythyme (pugglemuggle)

summary: Shouto & Creati: ACTUALLY Dating?! by Hitachi Hitomi at September 18, 2047 3:42 pm."Ever since heartthrob

Todoroki Shouto and the Everything Hero "Creati" made their official debuts, the two 22-year-old heroes have been nothing but professional towards each other. But was this all a sham to cover up the truth?"

Or: The media thinks Shouto and Creati are dating. Hint: they aren't. A multimedia TodoDeku & MomoJirou fanfic told through news articles, gossip columns, twitter, tumblr, text messages, and more.

pairings: tododeku, momojirou

tags: fluff, humor

warnings:

you broke the dark and my whole earth shook by aloneintherain

summary: Shouto had imagined himself as the country’s top hero for decades. Endeavour had put those images in his head when he was a child, and they had stayed there, growing like a fungus, until Shouto had reached adulthood. Even now, he was only just beginning to realise he didn’t have to live his life according to almost thirty-year-old decisions made by his abuser. He could do more. Be more. Outside of the hero community.

Izuku gets a job offer in America. Somehow, this brings Shouto and Izuku closer than ever before.

pairings: tododeku

tags: fluff, hurt/comfort

warnings:

count your blessings, not your flaws by PitViperOfDoom

summary: Midoriya Izuku has never been asked out, confessed to, or flirted with, except as a joke.

pairings: tododeku

tags: angst, hurt/comfort

warnings: bullying

call the fire department (i'm burning up with love) by Edgedancer

summary: An (abridged) list of things Todoroki Shouto did not have before U.A.: Loud neighbors. Fire alarms. Friends. Midoriya Izuku.

pairings: tododeku

tags:

warnings:

long nights and daydreams by dreamtowns

summary: According to the public, Pro Heroes Deku and Entropy are an amazing Hero Duo, best friends, and the most eligible bachelors in the world. According to their fans, they’re head over heels in love with one another yet oblivious to the others’ feelings. According to their friends and family, they’ve been in love with one another since high school, but, for reasons unknown to them, refuse to act upon said feelings.

According to said heroes, they have been (secretly) married for six years.

pairings: tododeku

tags: fluff, hurt/comfort

warnings:

extra-salty/twitter-verse series by SportsAnimeRuinedMyLife (KnightOfRage)

summary: In his third year at UA, Todoroki Shouto works in a burger place, catches on fire and falls in love. Only two of those things are on purpose.

Or...Todoroki Shouto's exciting adventures in customer service.

part one of the extra salty/twitter-verse

pairings: tododeku, kiribaku

tags: fluff, humor

warnings: none

More Than Skin-Deep by Emmeri

summary: It was a fact, really. That he was ugly. Having a scar which takes up half his face kind of does that, in Todoroki's eyes. So why does he overhear the girls call him the class pretty boy?

He'll just have to ask Midoriya about it; he has too little filter to tell anything but the truth.

pairings: tododeku

tags: fluff, angst

warnings:

Your Biggest Fan by Latios

summary: He opens the bag on the floor to see what could have been left in there-- and promptly freezes, staring at the contents inside.

“Midoriya.” He calls.

“Hm?”

“You bought our hero merch?”

Aka, Class 1-A starts to see themselves appear on merchandise in their local stores. Todoroki tries not to buy things, and fails.

pairings: tododeku

tags: fluff, humor

warnings:

Marry The Mole by Haurvatat

summary: “You're going to break up with him before he can propose.”

The hands went down and the steel wall of Midoriya's entire being went up. “...Excuse me?”

“And in return-” Enji gritted his teeth, “-I will deposit 20 million yen in your checking account.”

The gay drama fic based on a tumblr post absolutely zero people wanted to see but YOU'RE GETTING ANYWAY

pairings: tododeku

tags: humor

warnings:

ascended fanboy by aloneintherain

summary: “I want to honour them,” Izuku said softly. “When I cosplay, I just want people to see how amazing these heroes are.”

Shouto brushed a thumb over his cheek, careful not to smudge his makeup. “They do. I promise.”

Or: Izuku and Shouto attend HeroCon, five years post-graduation.

pairings: tododeku

tags:

warnings:

#bnha recs #my fic recs #abuse tw #bullying tw

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abybweisse · 4 years ago

Note

Hi, Sorry for troubling you. My questions are about the luxury liner arc. Don't you think Ciel and Sebby are taking this "act like humans" thing too far? e.g. Ciel is fragile and has asthma, and yet our mighty demon throws him into the frozen water instead of just appearing a boat, warm clothes, and tea. Did he lose his powers after being injured by the death scythe?

Are these all by the same anon? Seems so. Anyway, I wish to address them together, since they all have something in common: To what extent is Sebastian expected to act “human”?

Sebastian’s prior knowledge and forced limitations

Freezing waters. I don’t think Sebastian couldn’t magick anything right then, but I doubt he was thinking too hard about all the ways he could have made things easier for his young master, either. It should go back to the terms in the contract for following orders. Soon after the contract begins, our earl does tell the demon to make himself and his actions seem human. He never says the demon cannot magick things, he just says to make it all look like it’s humanly possible... to outsiders. And no one else (alive) seems to be in the vicinity right then to witness him using his demonic powers. But the terms include him following direct orders, so he doesn’t have to do anything in particular that he isn’t ordered to do. We could say Sebastian doesn’t magick a boat, warm blankets, hot tea, etc. simply because his young master doesn’t tell him to. Also, we get something very interesting (I think so) from this scene: Sebastian takes the temperature of the water into consideration, and that’s significant to show us he’s learned more about human frailty since the contract began. It’s in this same arc that we see Sebastian’s cinematic records, including how he apparently didn’t know that extremely hot bath water would be too hot.

Teaching techniques. Soma gave Sebastian as much honest feedback as he could. But we have to remember he was terrified of Sebastian. Given the push and pull of them testing the limits of their contract, as well as our earl’s dark streak, I doubt our earl ever did anything “lovely” or “cute” when Sebastian messed up. If he had, that really should have been shown. Same goes for some instance where our earl messed up but Sebastian went easy on him; I don’t think it happened. Instead, what we see is our earl and Sebastian each being rather cruel when mistakes are made... but easing up and showing each other pleasantries when the other does something right/shows significant improvement.

About the most “helpful” thing our earl has probably done, regarding Sebastian learning to be a butler (or chef, etc.), is give him detailed feedback on what he considers successful vs unsuccessful. Same goes for Sebastian giving our earl hints and other advice, instead of just punishing him for mistakes. But that would require covering a lot of training, and Yana-san probably wanted to focus on the high drama of the situation. So, we get all the abusive behaviors towards each other... at first. As they each get better at their various tasks, they are kinder to each other and more helpful. There is a bit more guidance in their approaches to teaching. They become more rewarding in their reactions.

I cannot say much regarding learning speed, though. The way it’s shown as a montage, it’s really hard to tell how long it takes either of them to accomplish a particular task. One might expect a demon to learn everything almost immediately, but some things are clearly harder for him to comprehend, like the human sense of taste. This puts him at a disadvantage when he’s trying to make food and tea without (openly) using any magic. Not all humans like the same foods or flavors.

Learning curve. Using magic and doing things “the human way” are so completely different. That first night, for instance, Sebastian magicks all of that food, the dishes, the utensils, etc. based on what he had learned during previous contracts. He’s never had such a young master before, and this kid just survived a month of malnourishment (among other things). This suggests his previous masters were adults who tended to have lavish food preferences... and liked things salty, heavily spiced, and rich/heavy/hearty. The sorts of “full flavored” meals that Chlaus admits he’s grown tired of. The sorts of lavish feasts that Baron Kelvin relishes. Sebastian was told not to magick any more food and drink, and he had to learn about his new young master’s personal food preferences. He had to toss out what little he knew of cookery and start from scratch.

I admit I’m not sure why everything was so perfect/spotless on presentation that first night, but then he later shows up with imperfectly plated dishes and dirty utensils. I have to assume that, again, it’s just different if he’s being told to do things without any semblance of magic. He might have also initially underestimated the standards of a child. Remember that the presentation that first night was based entirely on previous contracts with adult masters. For a little while after that first night, he might have been under the impression he’d be able to get away with sloppy presentation. He was soon corrected on that notion! 😆

We know too little about any previous contract that had him hanging around Schönbrunn Palace. In fact, we don’t even have confirmation that was a contract.... That’s merely our assumption. Even if it’s a good assumption, we still wouldn’t know the master, their wishes, how long the contract took to fulfill, etc. The demon might have used obvious magic to fulfill most of the master’s demands, but it could be that most of this was done in private... and that that master had no issue with this... unlike our earl, who finds it disturbing. At the palace, the demon might not have needed to magick anything. Depends on why he was there. And, if he did need to, he could probably do so when no one was watching.

Regarding the bath water and later the hot tea, I think a lot of it has to do with the demon not being used to this sort of treatment from a master. Again, the demon has never had such a young master before. His previous masters were probably much easier to please... and self-sufficient. 🤔

Thanks for the asks. I hope I answered everything. Sorry it took me so long to get around to them.

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elsanna-shenanigans · 3 years ago

Text

June Contest Submission #10: Behind Stern Flowers

Words: ca. 1,900 Setting: modern AU Lemon: no CW: fluff

—

Knock. Knock, knock, knock. Knock, knock.

“Wake up, sleepy beauty. Dad’s home and he brought back dinner.” said Anna.

No response from the other side. She must have been really tired today.

“If you don’t open up, I will be barging in.”

Still no response.

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Three, two, one.”

The knob twisted and the door creaked as the door pushed inside lightly. The door opened ajar, just wide enough for Anna to poke her head through. She peeked through the opening just to see a grown female Homosapien lying on the bed. The room is lit by a bed lamp at the far end. The bed is decorated with jasmine flowers placed around the edge of the bed. She wore an alabaster nightgown, which gave out glossy sheen from the bed lamp. Her hands rested on her tummy with a slow rise and fall of her chest. The sensual and sweet scent from the flower evoked the girl standing in the doorway.

Anna tip-toed her on the side of the bed and kneeled. She picked up the flower from the edge and placed it around Elsa’s head. She smiled at the sight of her sister. She looked so peaceful. Anna then bent down and planted a deep kiss on the older sister’s lips.

Elsa opened her eyes with a smile plastered on her.

“Hello, sleeping beauty.” said Anna. “Did you sleep well?”

Elsa chuckled, “I did. Thanks for asking.” She glanced at the door and her reaction turned sour. “Anna! Why didn’t you close the door? Mother could have seen what we did.”

Anna was sad when Elsa got mad. “Sorry. I didn’t ‘cause she’s not home yet. And I was hypnotized by the smell of the flowers.”

She placed her hand on Anna’s thigh, “I’m sorry that I’m mad. It’s just that I’m worried that mother might catch us again. You remember how cross she was when she saw us.”

“I do,” Anna said, pouting.

“Come here,” Elsa pulled her back and planted a kiss on her lips. “Better?”

“Mmm-hmm,” Anna hummed. “More, please.”

“I would but we don’t want dad to wait any longer.”

“Wait, you didn’t exactly sleep just now?”

“Mayhaps.”

For that, Elsa received a tickle on her tummy.

—

Agnarr sat at the dinner table, waiting for his daughters to come down. Some time had passed since Anna had gone upstairs. He wondered what took them so long.

“Perhaps they are having a sisterly moment,” he said to himself.

The wait was over when footsteps raced down the hall and shook the house. Anna stomped her way down on the wooden stairs as she could smell dinner getting stronger. The stomping caught Agnarr’s attention as he chuckled at his youngest daughter’s eagerness to eat.

“There’s my butter cakes. How are you girls doing to—,” he was cut off when the girls stormed towards their old man and pulled him into a giant bear hug. “I love you two.”

“We love you too, dad.” The both of them kissed their dad’s cheek.

“What took you girls so long? Did you two do—”

“No, Dad,” Anna interjected, laughing softly. “You know how hard it is to wake up this sleeping beauty.”

“It’s true,” Elsa agreed.

“Oh, so you didn’t wake your sister up with a kiss?” Agnarr raised a brow, a playful smirk forming on his lips. “Like that movie we watched last night? I know for sure that Anna would have done that.”

“Dad!” the sisters screamed simultaneously.

“Hm, that’s what I thought,” he said smugly.

They settled down for dinner. The sisters sat beside each other.

“So, dad. How was work today,” Elsa asked.

“Nothing big today,“ Agnarr shrugged nonchalantly. “Got a case today where this kid got caught peeping into the public restroom. Thank goodness that kid was smart to take the offer and paid a grand for the fine. If not, he would have ended up behind bars for the rest of his life!”

He kept a straight face until the end of his sentence. He looked at his girls’ reactions, wide-eyed and completely believed everything he had just said.

“Just kidding,” he grinned, breaking his grave façade. “His sentence was only six months. It’s not long but he will be wasting his time doing nothing instead of growing up like normal people.”

Elsa and Anna breathed a sigh of relief.

“That’s great, dad. You’re so kind to help that kid, even if he was a pervert,” said Anna in disgust.

“Nah, he was an idiot, but their idiocy didn’t justify the long sentence. Well, from my humble opinion.”

“Glad you’re considerate enough to give them a chance.”

“Well, I usually give them once, but if they do it again, go straight to the horny jail.”

They all laughed. Anna laughed so hard that she almost hurt her chin, while Elsa closed her mouth with her hand, stiffening her giggles.

The doorbell rang. The girls’ laughter faded because already they knew who was behind that door.

“I’ll get the door,” Elsa strolled to the front door. Once she opened it. She saw the feminine figure stood tall in uniform and with a shiny boot. Her hair is tied into a bang with fringe hair. Her face looked weary, but a slight stern was still visible.

“Elsa.”

“Mother.”

Iduna strutted inside while passing her bag to Elsa and headed toward the dining room.

“Good evening, Anna. Darling.”

“Hey, darling,” Agnarr greeted. “It’s nice to see you. How was work today?”

“Someone files a report of an incestuous relationship between siblings,” Iduna replied stiffly.

Anna froze there while Elsa dropped the bag abruptly.

“Oh, that’s not good,” said Agnarr, brows furrowing with concern.

“Yeah, I know. Thankfully, it was between a brother and a sister. The police will look into it,” she paused as Elsa sat back on her chair. “So, girls. Have you done anything that wasn’t platonic today?” Iduna looked at them sternly.

The girls did not answer.

Iduna looked at them for a few moments before letting out a heavy sigh. “I’ll just- go to my room and freshen up before I head to bed.

“But honey, don’t you want Chinese food?” Agnarr interjected. He flashed her a wry smile. “It’s your favorite.”

“Thank you, but I’m not that hungry tonight,” Iduna waved her hand vaguely. She looked tired, even more so than usual. “Do store the leftovers in the refrigerator please.” Iduna collected herself and climbed the stairs with a slight slump in her shoulders.

“Oh, dear. That’s not good,” Agnarr frowned. “You girls finish up eating. I’m gonna see your mother.”

“Good luck dad,” Anna sent him an encouraging smile as he ran up the stairs to catch up with his wife. Once he was out of sight, Anna sighed softly. “I wish mother wouldn’t be so paranoid about us. We’re already adults.”

Elsa looked at her sister and took her hand in hers. She rubbed the back of Anna’s hand with her thumb as a soothing gesture. “You know how she is. Sometimes working at the station while keeping our secret in mind can be hard.

Anna nodded solemnly. “Yeah… I know.”

—

“Do you want me to help with the dishes?” Anna asked, sneaking up behind Elsa.

“Nope. You can go upstairs first.”

“Aww, thanks, Elsa. You’re the best sister.”

“I know,” Elsa responded with a smile, if not a little smug. Anna rolled her eyes and leaned up to peck Elsa’s cheek.

Anna climbed up the flight of stairs but heard the arguing voice behind the master bedroom door. Her curiosity made her eavesdrop on her parents.

“They still love each other,” said Iduna.

“I see that as a good thing,” her father insisted. “Which one is better? Sisters who hate each other? Or sisters who love and care for each other?”

“Of course I choose loving and caring any day, but there’s a law that does not allow them to be together like that. I can’t stand it anymore. Do you know how hard it is to keep a secret from my colleague about our daughters? What makes matters worse is when someone files a report similar to our daughters’ relationship.”

“Anna, what are you doing?” Elsa’s voice came from behind her, and she couldn’t help but jump in surprise at Elsa’s sudden appearance. “Are you eavesdropping on our parents?”

“Yes, Elsa. Can you please quiet down? I’m trying to listen.”

“Suit yourself,” Elsa strode away to her room.

“Hon, relax. I understand that you’re scared for our daughters. As long as no one reports them, things will be alright. If anything happens to our daughters, you know I could defend them. For free. Besides, people give a pass when sisters act clingy like them. They think they’re cute.”

“Well, that’s true,” there was a pause before Iduna let out an aggravated sigh. “I just want to be safe. I don’t want them to go behind bars because the law is not on their side.”

“Hey, we’re going to protect them. As long as they are with us, they will be safe. That’s a promise.”

—

Anna walked back to her sister’s- or their room now by how frequently they slept together. While on her way there, a thunder’s rumble echoed through the hallway, leaving Anna frightened a bit. Anna instinctively rushed towards the room in hope to take cover under the blanket.

When Anna opened the room, she saw Elsa sat at the head of the bead, glasses perched on her nose as she held an open book in hand. Anna crawled up to the bed and snuggled into Elsa’s chest. A soft, plum breast with her sister’s beating heart soothed her, damping the thunder’s rumble.

“Anna, are you okay?”

“No,” Anna mumbled.

“Aww, what’s wrong baby? Is it something you heard?”

Another thunder came which made Anna planted face deeper.

“Yeah. It’s just … People always see it as an abusive relationship. Instead of it just being like a normal, healthy relationship between two people who love each other.”

“Maybe the law wanted to protect the younger people from going into a relationship at a very young age.”

“That might be true, but nothing said adults consenting into a relationship.”

“That’s true.”

Silence fell upon the two girls, minus the heavy rain outside.

“You know, Anna,” Elsa started. “There’s always a place where incest is legal.”

Anna propped her head up to look at her sister. “Really?”

“Yes. I did some digging and there are a few states where incest is allowed, and family members could marry each other. If you’re serious with this, we could move to a place where incest is legal and live our lives there.”

“Elsa, that’s a great plan!” Anna’s face brightened, though it dimmed just as quickly. “Although, dad would be sad if we leave him.”

“Children will leave their parents someday,” Elsa said softly. She held Anna closer and sighed. “It’s just a matter of time before that happens. Besides, we can always come back to visit him.”

“If that’s the case,” Anna pondered. “It’s a deal. We’re going to do this together.”

“Together.”

Anna leaned in, meeting Elsa halfway into a kiss.

Smooch.

Anna leaned back to see Elsa, how much she adored her sister and how cute she was with all that flowers before. Speaking of flowers…

“Oh, I have a question, Elsa. Why did you decorate the bed with flowers just now?”

“Just want to reenact the scene from Snow White that we watched last night.”

“Aww, that’s so sweet. But weren’t you scared that we almost got caught? You kind of got mad at me for it.”

“Nope, mother texted me that she was going to come back home late. Also, I wanted to see you pout.”

Anna pouted, “You’re a big meanie.”

“I always have been.”

—

#elsanna #submission #June 2021 contest #prompt: storm

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justasparkwritings · 4 years ago

Text

Illicit Affairs: Beautiful Rooms Pt. 4

Previous: Beautiful Rooms Pt. 3

Pairings: Namjoon & Reader (Barely), Jungkook & Reader (diff reader)

Genre: Angst, Slice of Life

Ratings: PG15

Word Count: 2.3K

Warnings: Therapy and Swearing, Discussion of past Trauma

Summary: Under the guidance of Dr. Aarons, OT7 spends a few days rebuilding their slowly cracking bond.

Listen: illicit affairs by Taylor Swift

Shout out to @the-rambling-maiden for reminding me about JK’s fear of sleeping alone and for always reading & commenting on everything!!!

Penultimate Chapter

Setting up the small conference room, Dr. Aarons looks around and wonders if this is a mistake. Not the seven men, well, yes the seven men, but the space. More corporate than cozy, it’s lack of plush furniture and soft textiles is evident. The snacks on the table only adding to the sense that this space was never meant for actual group therapy, because it isn’t, but it offers the least access points, less visibility than any other room in the complex, and has its own bathroom. Perfect for secrecy. Perfect for hiding Bangtan.

She places name cards at various points around the table, her careful consideration for personality types and friendship bonds allowing her to place them strategically.

Jimin, Namjoon, Hoseok, Jungkook, Seokjin, Taehyung, Yoongi.

She had worked it over many times, moving and shifting, but ultimately decided to place

Jungkook in the center, the person to his left and right someone who gives him great comfort and security, similarly for Namjoon. Though Jungkook’s mental safety was more important in the set up than Joon’s.

The raucous laughter of seven men alerts her to their arrival, and stepping back from the door, she’s greeted by Jungkook’s enlarged orbs, smiling brightly at her.

“Good morning,” He says, bowing.

“Good morning Jungkook,” She replies. “Welcome, gentleman,”

The men shuffle through, taking stock of the room before finding their seats.

“Thank you all for being here, it takes a lot of courage and respect for one another to want to go through this process together. We don’t have a lot of time, so let’s dive in. Do you have any questions for me before we start?” Dr. Aarons greets them.

“Has this been, successful?” Yoongi asks.

“Can you be more specific?”

“Working with Namjoon and Jungkook, has it been productive?” Yoongi clarifies.

“Namjoon, Jungkook,” She says, turning the question back to them.

“It’s been really great, for me personally and I think for all of us,” Jungkook answers. “I’ve learned a lot, and unlearned a lot too,”

“Will things be different, when we’re back in Seoul?” Taehyung inquires.

“Different how?” Dr. Aarons questions.

“Will we still be, Bangtan?”

“That’s up for the seven of you to decide. You’ve had a major moment, a huge shift in your group, dynamics haven’t changed, but perhaps your purpose or your interactions with each other have. Why don’t we get to work, and we’ll see where we’re at?” Dr. Aarons opens her notebook, a new marble covered, hard bound book. She’s filled the front half with notes and observations, and as the week with the men progresses, she’ll continue to add more.

A little after lunch on their second day, Dr. Aarons stares at the men, taking in their posture, the way their eyes glance sideways, the jokes lingering on their lips, the words they are waiting to say remaining tight within them.

“I wanted to ask you all if you have a memory of your first days together, specifically your thoughts and impressions of Jungkook? Namjoon, can you share what you told me?”

“Sure. I told Dr. Aarons and Jungkook my first impressions of JK. How innocent he was, how unsure and unsteady, that he took pieces of our personalities to build his before finally breaking the mold. I remember how curious he was, how willing to learn, how pliable, but also very scared. It took a lot for him to stay,” Namjoon does his cursory glance at all six men while he speaks, years of interviews making this gesture as easy as walking a press line.

Dr. Aarons writes down the members reactions before speaking. “Thank you, Namjoon. Who would like to start?”

“Do you remember when Jungkook first moved to the dorms?” Yoongi starts, eyes moving from Dr. Aarons to the other men.

“What specifically?” Hoseok asks.

“He couldn’t sleep alone, you remember?” Yoongi replies.

“We shouldn’t have given him the single room,” Seokjin says.

“He earned it, fair and square,” Namjoon says.

“He was so scared that first year, of the dark, of being alone, of everything,” Yoongi reminds them.

“I wasn’t that scared!” Jungkook counters softly, his hyungs glancing at him.

“Oh, don’t lie,” Seokjin chuckles.

“You remember our compromise?” Namjoon asks.

The seven nod but it’s Taehyung who speaks first. “We promised to leave our doors open a crack, so that when he was scared or couldn’t sleep, he could crawl into bed with us.”

“He abused that privilege,” Yoongi laughs.

“It was almost every night, Dr. A,” Namjoon says. “He almost had a rotation,”

“He had the biggest room, a single to himself, but he spent months sleeping in our beds,” Hoseok reminisces on those nights, nights when he’d be nearly asleep only to have a quiet Jungkook crawling under his blanket to join him.

“He eventually got over it,” Seokjin reminds them.

“He was so little, so small,” Yoongi says. “He wasn’t taller than me, yet.”

“Physically and emotionally,” Hoseok responds. “He was just a kid, barely a teenager.”

“It was so hard, watching him leave his family for us. We weren’t anything yet, and here he was, believing we would become something,” Yoongi speaks.

“He’s only two years younger, but he just reminded me of my little brother,” Taehyung says. “So delicate,”

“Most of you are younger siblings, correct?” Dr. Aarons asks.

Four of the men nod.

“It makes sense why you all felt responsible for Jungkook, even as younger siblings yourself, six of you stepped into the role of an older sibling, despite never having been the oldest before,” Dr. Aarons analyzes. “He became your responsibility, in a very earnest way.”

“I didn’t feel responsible for him, not as much as Seokjin-hyung and Yoongi-Hyung and Namjoon-hyung felt,” Jimin says.

“Me either,” Taehyung agrees.

“Same,” Hoseok adds. “Maybe that’s why I’m his favorite.”

A chorus of Oh’s and no ways and don’ts leave the men’s lips, laughter in their voices as Hoseok beams at Jungkook.

“Well, the three of you needed more guidance,” Namjoon says glancing at Hoseok, Jimin and Taehyung who happen to be sitting together. “You were the greenest out of all of us.”

“Remember when you got asked what your three chances at life were?” Jimin turns to look at Namjoon. “Remember what you said?”

“Jungkook was the second,” Namjoon answers.

“Was that true?” Taehyung inquires.

“Yes,”

“But then you abused him and lied to him, and the rest of us for years,” Jimin’s sentence reads like a statement, but the lilt in his voice, the upturn of notes in the final syllables alerts everyone that it is in fact a question.

“Remember that one performance, it wasn’t Fire, but Jungkook had an exam the next day?” Taehyung asks. “He was so mad we were performing that night, he looked pissed.”

“He was just, we had good times, you know?” Seokjin starts. “Taking him to school, managing his schoolwork,”

“That’s how you two became so close?” Dr. Aarons asks him.

Seokjin nods. “Mm, we all had our moments with each other, but for us, that was it,”

“When you heard what had been going on, how did you feel?” Dr. Aarons looks to the men, all in a row according to age. She notices the shifts in everyone’s demeanor, the anger coating their eyes, the jaws locking, the cracking of knuckles. She knew this would come, war.

“Can I go first?” Jimin asks.

“Of course,” She responds.

“I was, disgusted, and confused, and hurt. Jungkook and I have gone through a lot of similar things, with our bodies and our attitudes towards them. We’ve been through a lot, and I felt so betrayed and scared that maybe what I had gone through was more calculated than I thought it was.” Jimin’s voice is strong, determined. He’s unafraid.

“I wondered that too,” Taehyung adds. “I was scared, we talked a lot, after the fight, about what had been going on and if it had been happening to us, too.”

“I just, I still can’t believe it,” Hoseok tells the room.

“You still can’t?” Dr. Aarons asks him.

“No, it’s all so, scary? So manipulative and planned. I just get so upset when I think about it.”

“I don’t understand how you did it,” Yoongi doesn’t look at Namjoon, he doesn’t look at anyone, dark eyes pointed directly at the floor.

“Me either, or why? I know why, you told us, but still,” Seokjin says.

“While these traumas were occurring, five of you were comforting Jungkook, consoling him, supporting him, correct?”

“Yes,” Jimin answers.

“Did you have any sense that all the things happening were just, too much?”

“What do you mean?” Hoseok questions.

“Did we wonder if something bigger was at play? Like all of it was planned,” Yoongi explains.

“No,” they respond.

“How do you feel now? Months have passed, you’ve gone through some therapy, individually, how do you feel now?” Dr. Aarons is curious, had her recommendations worked?

“I still don’t know why,” Yoongi starts, “I don’t understand what was so important that Namjoon allowed this to happen to Jungkook. I don’t get why Bang and Sejin and everyone else thought abuse was the way to go, we were all suffering just fine without them.”

“Suffering how?”

“Do you want us to go down the line?” Yoongi’s sarcasm is met with a terse glare from Dr. Aarons, followed by a nod.

“Seokjin, you start,” She says.

“I was extreme dieting, eating only plain chicken breast to slim down, dancing long hours, trying to get in shape,”

“How long did that continue?”

“A while… then it stopped, and started again, and stopped again,” Seokjin says.

“Yoongi?”

“I hurt my shoulder in a car wreck and still haven’t gotten it fixed.”

Dr. Aarons already knows the answer. “How long have you been in pain?”

“A few years,”

“Do you have plans to get it fixed?”

“Yeah, I’m nearing the point where I either fix it and recover or just slowly lose mobility,” The fear in his voice is almost undetected, but Hoseok hears it and pats him gently on the back.

“Mm, Hoseok?”

“I just, don’t stop,” Hoseok’s eyes leave Yoongi, meeting Dr. Aarons.

“Meaning?”

“I keep going, I push myself, I don’t slow down.”

“Is it a compulsion?” She writes, Hoseok’s therapist, Dr. Lee, had mentioned this in their debrief a few days ago. It was a compulsion, OCD mixed with anxiety.

“Maybe,”

“Jimin?”

“I had an eating disorder,” Jimin reveals.

“Taehyung?”

“I had insomnia, still do sometimes,” Taehyung shrugs.

“During these years, from training until now, the seven of you have endured psychological and physical trauma. You nearly disbanded in 2018, and just barely signed a new contract which Namjoon got amended. Why are you still together?” Dr. Aarons sips her now cold coffee, gently setting back on the marble coaster.

The men look at each other, unsure of an answer.

“No one knows me the way they do. Without them, I’m lost.” Jimin speaks first.

“They mean the world to me,” Taehyung answers. “They are the most precious, most important people,”

“Have you ever wondered why Bang let you all suffer so long?”

“He tried to help us,” Hoseok says.

“But, enough?” Dr. Aarons wonders. “You have collective trauma, it makes sense to me why you protected Jungkook, and why you’ve banded together. No one understands what you’ve been through, except the seven of you.”

“Doesn’t that make the betrayal that much worse?” Jimin ponders.

“We know each other by our breath or our smell, and here’s Namjoon, ruining Jungkook right in front of us.”

“Have you ever worried how much of yourself worth is tied to your success?” Dr. Aarons asks. “Not to dismiss the betrayal, but the root of this conundrum is success, it’s wealth, it’s fame and recognition. You’re viewing yourself through your accomplishments, no matter how you feel about yourself, how much you love yourself, you are so focused on being loved by the world that you will ruin each other to get there.”

“Some of that comes with youth, though,” Seokjin says.

“I feel like we’ve made progress, personal growth,” Yoongi agrees.

“We’ve matured, but we still want the praise,” Jimin adds. “We still want a Grammy someday; we still want to chart and perform in the biggest venues. We want a lot.”

“If you don’t achieve those things, does your work still hold value?”

“If ARMY thinks it matters, then it matters,” Taehyung answers.

“What if ARMY doesn’t think it matters?” Dr. Aarons presses.

“Then what was all the suffering for?” Jungkook whispers.

“I don’t know,” Jimin says.

Yoongi sighs, “It’s been worth it, though,”

“I agree,” Seokjin nods.

“Was Jungkook?” Dr. Aarons knows the outcome of this question, she knows the impact of the words she’s about to speak. Sipping her coffee, she inhales slowly. “Was it worth Namjoon being bribed and manipulated? Was it worth Jungkook being starved, worked to exhaustion, conditioned to think he’s weak or inferior? The disordered eating each of you endures to this day, the diets, the excessive exercise, the self-doubt, has it been worth that? The racism, xenophobia, the hiding of sexualities and being forbidden to express love towards another, your creative license being stripped from you album after album, has it been worth that too? Or is the fame, the prestige, the accolades, worth all the trauma you have inflicted upon each other, and yourselves. Has all of that been worth it?”

The seven men sit silently, their breaths the only sound, uneven as tears fall, shoulders shake, hands cover mouths to mute the sound. Dr. Aarons stares at each of them, crumbling one by one, because in this room, in this safe space, they’re finally able to understand the gravity of the horrors they’ve endured. They’re able to recognize that what has happened is not acceptable, it’s not okay. Though they don’t understand Namjoon or forgive him for his place in the abuse of Jungkook, they can rectify that it wasn’t of his volition. Forgiveness is earned, and in this beautiful room, sun soaked and welcoming, Bangtan is beginning to heal.

Next: Stolen Stares

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pndglcs · 4 years ago

Note

About your The King n the Sorcerer-AU: It looks very pretty, but the way you have described it puts a rather big power inbalance between them. Does Antonio eventually begin to work towards making magic legal again?Does he prove that Arthur doesn't need to fear being hunted and/or executed if he for any reason would choose to leave in the future, or will Arthur still always be FORCED to stay out of fear Antonio might kill him if he doesn't? Just curious about how you imagine the AU will go. :)

thank you for your interest towards my au!

yes, there's obviously still a big plot-hole because what i had written in my previous post was briefly a rough idea, it's still a raw summary. of course i would profoundly explore and develop the story line itself and do more research.

Does he prove that Arthur doesn't need to fear being hunted and/or executed if he for any reason would choose to leave in the future, or will Arthur still always be FORCED to stay out of fear Antonio might kill him if he doesn't?

at the beginning, antonio had his own motive of why he did force arthur to come with him. first was because he thought he owed arthur his life so he didn’t punish him like what his kingdom had previously done to the other sorcerers, second was that he thought arthur would be useful for him in the future. out of his arrogance, he wanted arthur to thank him.

i have always interpreted that antonio has a somewhat sly characterisation as one of his personality's dark side in the canon itself. so is he in this verse. he dragged arthur in a situation which arthur would think they mutually indebted on each other; arthur saved antonio and antonio helped arthur (from being exposed, captured, executed). let’s just say they both made an agreement regarding this and at first, their relationship was constructed by their agreement. if one betrayed another, he would certainly face death. and since arthur had always felt inferior because of his status comparing to antonio, he had no choice but to agree with the king, albeit still questioned himself whether he should trust him or no. so did antonio who, in reality, doubted his choice to trust the young warlock. who knew he would also betray him someday? their relationship, at first, was encountered with mutual suspicion and fear but they just let it go(?)

so yes, they gradually developed trust towards each other with the time they had spent together, which resulting arthur no longer stayed out of fear antonio might betray him and vice versa. antonio did manage to keep his promise and that was one of arthur’s reasons to stay loyal and served him, especially when antonio bestowed him a knight title.

within the passed times, antonio finally changed his view from “i will just keep this kid because he might be useful for me if i pressure him with threats” to “i fully have faith in him. what should i do now?” and maintained a genuine concern towards him.

Does Antonio eventually begin to work towards making magic legal again?

i’m not sure because i haven’t decided any idea about this yet. true that he trusted arthur, but he couldn’t do the same with other kinds out there. arthur had no place to persuade him on legalising magic again.

and about power balance:

true that arthur’s magic was powerful. he could just blow antonio in a second if he wanted. nonetheless he was a naive young man and he had so much considerations regarding risks he would take if he did reckless move. he knew his position was on the weaker side comparing to antonio who was the ruler of a kingdom where arthur lived in. he had strong magic but sometimes he didn’t know how to control it. he needed a proper train. he was really that inferior and he had doubts on himself and that was what made him seemed to be much, much weaker than antonio whilst in reality, he wasn’t.

he was good in combat, that was why antonio let him be taught swordsmanship to get him stronger, which later antonio regretted because deep down his heart, he was afraid of arthur too. he knew very well that arthur was strong, he helped him won many times in battlefields. so antonio covered his fear with his position’s power. he did it dirty because he power-abused arthur at the beginning. (however, this finally changed as time went by and they managed to manifest mutual trust)

i hope this can clear everything up and answer your curiosity. sorry if i didn’t provide you enough because this is still an on-going ideas. which ... i have to stir my brain up again to answer every plot-hole hahaha

#ans #au #spuk #uksp #engspa #aph spain #aph england #arthur kirkland #antonio fernandez carriedo

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miraculousandbts · 3 years ago

Text

BTS | Nightmares | Drabble Series

Summary: It hasn’t been that long since debut, and this is the first time you’re sleeping with one of the guys. You, very unfortunately, have nightmares though.

Pairing: Member X Reader (Platonic)

Genre: Fluff, Angst

Word Count: 5.1k

Warnings: Nightmares (obviously), crying, y/n fell off the bed, mentions of abuse (nothing graphic though), jump scare, a figment of y/n’s nightmare

Seokjin

You removed your glasses and kept them in their case. Seokjin was just washing up before bed. You had already taken a shower and brushed your teeth. The thing was, all of you were learning a new choreo, and you and Seokjin had a part together, in which both of you were doing different steps than the others. All morning, you both practised. And now both of you were exhausted enough to go to bed early, which the others learned their steps for the same part of the song in the dance studio.

He came out toweling his wet hair to dry them enough so he could go to bed and not wake up with a headache next morning. You had suggested they sleep together, as you were afraid of being alone in the dark while barely anyone was home. You told him the real reason without hesitation though. "Ready?" He slipped in next to you, pulling the covers on top of him. You yawned in reply.

"I'll take that as a yes." He chuckled as you closed your mouth, and then your eyes. Both of you had a habit of keeping pillows around you for comfortable sleeping, so right now, both of you had a pillow for your head each, a pillow behind you, a pillow behind him, and a pillow between both of you.

You wrapped your arms around the pillow in the middle, eyes still shut. But there was already an arm on the pillow. You slightly opened your eyes, and saw Seokjin sleeping like a little baby, hugging the said pillow. You smiled and went into a deep slumber.

*****

Seokjin flailed his arms around a little. He could hear whimpers and small sobs, though he was too sleepy to register what the sounds were, exactly. "Mmm." He whined, annoyed by the disturbance. He slowly blinked his eyes open. And that's when you let out another small sob.

He looked to his side and furrowed his eyebrows to see you crying a little in your sleep. Still sleepy, it took him a second to figure out that you were probably having a nightmare. He started to get up and move towards you. "Hey, hey, hey. Y/n. Wake up. Hey." He took your head and caressed your cheek, trying to gently wake you up. Letting out a last whimper, you slowly opened your eyes.

Everything was blurry, not only because you were sleeping a moment ago, but also because of the tears. But you could make out the figure of Seokjin leaning over you, barely sitting up. Somewhere in the back of your mind, you realised that your head was in his lap, and he was caressing your cheek and letting his fingers slide through your hair to calm you down. But you were still a little freaked out by the nightmare you had to acknowledge this.

You could no longer remember what it was, but you do remembered it was scary. You let out a breath and snuggled further into him, throwing your arms around his torso. "Shh, shh." He kept rubbing his hand up and down your head, and sometimes your arm.

And that's how the members found you both the next morning; asleep without a care in the world as you both cuddled.

Yoongi

You were sleeping soundly when you felt someone pat your arm covered with the sheets. You slightly opened one eye and saw Yoongi finally out of shower and asking you to move over for him to have enough space to sleep. You closed your eye and silently shifted. This was the first time you were sleeping with one of the guys. Both you and Yoongi were very chill about it.

All of you had moved into the new dorm today, and three out of six rooms were filled with all of you guys' personal belongings. Hoseok had suggested that everybody would choose rooms and set their stuff the next day. After all of you agreed and had dinner, came the problem of where would all of sleep.

Taehyung simply suggested that three people sleep in the big rooms each, and two go in the third room, which was considerably smaller.

The maknae line, hearing this, ran straight to one of the bigger rooms. Yoongi suggested he sleep with you, as he took the least space while sleeping. All of you agreed, and here you are. Five minutes later, both of you were sound asleep.

*****

You furrows your eyebrows. You were seeing a nightmare. You moved around a little. And fell off the bed. A loud thud resounded. You sat up, knowing very well what just happened. You rubbed your head and then your eyes to wake you up enough. As you become sober after a few seconds, you hoped that you had not woken anyone up. And at that moment, you heard a meek, "y/n?" 'Shit!' That's all you could think. The first time you sleep with him, and you wake him up. Great!

"Uh, y-yeah?" You whispered back. You then saw him peek his head over the bed to you. "You okay?"

"Yeah." You got up and climbed back on the bed. He moved over and made a 'come closer' gesture with his hand. You leaned towards him, while he ran his hands over your head to check if you had any bumps. "Does it hurt?"

"No, no, I'm fine. Sorry for waking you up. You can go to sleep again."

"Why'd you suddenly fall down the bed anyway? Was I taking too much space? I can go sleep on the couch."

"No, no! I just had a nightmare." You casually stated and laid down, gesturing for him to do so too. He did just that. "Was it scary?" You shrugged the best you could while laying down in the mess of the bed sheets, " Must've been enough to disturb me enough for me to fall down the bed."

He hummed and to looked at him. He opened his arms, inviting you in. You raised an eyebrow, wondering if he thought that you were still afraid. But you still moved in and snuggled into his chest. He reminded you of your elder brother, how he would give you random hugs and forehead kisses, how he would basically act like a clingy koala to you. Yoongi was not like that, but in the moment, it felt like it.

You involuntarily sighed. "If you think that I think that you're afraid, you're wrong. I just don't want you to fall off the bed again." You let out a breathy chuckle and closed your eyes for the final time, knowing he did the same. "Goodnight." You whispered, sure that he didn't hear it. But he replied with his own goodnight, and that's when you both started falling asleep again.

Hoseok

"Why are you being so awkward, Hobi?" You twiddled your thumb, and looked at him, sitting at the opposite edge of the bed. "This is the first time I'm sleeping with a girl who's not my mother or noona." He gave you an awkward smile, knowing you were nervous too. "How about we just forget about the gender difference and sleep like we normally would? I'll be honest, you're the first guy I'll be sleeping with."

"Wait, what?"

"Yeah, I mean, I've chilled in the same bed as you guys, but I've never slept with any of you. The last time I slept with a guy was back when I was three, and the guy was my father."

He hummed and got in the bed. You followed suit. For the next ten minutes, both of you laid there, staring at the ceiling, being still as statues. Finally, sleep hit you like a ton of bricks. You rolled over, and faced Hoseok. He was still in that position. You sighed, and snuggled into the cozy sheets. "Hobi? Go to sleep."

He looked at you, and sighed. "Actually, I'm nervous, because according to the members, I sleeptalk."

"It's better than sleepwalking. Go to sleep." You took his arm, and then snuggled in that. You saw him break out a smile. He turned towards you, and closed his eyes, indicating that he'll try to sleep now. You let out another sigh, and let darkness take over you.

*****

Hoseok woke up. He heard some repeated noises which just wouldn't stop. He kept turning and twisting, until finally he opened his eyes. And that's when his brain worked to tell him that the noises he was hearing was sobbing and sniffling.

He suddenly woke up and looked at you. You were failing your arms around, and moving your head harshly, while sobbing continuously. He freaked out, not knowing what to do. He shook you harshly, and you opened your eyes after a few seconds. You looked at him, and he looked back at you, wide eyed.

You let out another sob, and moved forward to cling onto him. He wrapped his arms around you, considerably calm than before, and rocked you back and forth lightly. Slowly and steadily, you calmed down, but you still didn't let him go. No words were exchanged, his presence itself was comforting.

He pulled both of you down, and started stroking your hair and back, to lull you into sleep. It seemed to be working, as your eyelids were starting to get heavier and heavier. Finally, you fell into deep slumber. Hoseok stopped moving and glanced at your face. You looked so peaceful, sleeping like a little kid, still subconsciously clinging onto his t-shirt.

He stroked your head one last time, and fell asleep too.

Namjoon

You came out of the bathroom, toweling your hair. You were thankful you had short hair, so you could wash it often. You found Namjoon sitting against the headboard, reading a book. He was wearing his glasses and plain pajamas, the only light nearby being the lamp. You kept your towel aside, switched off the lamp, and switched on the main light. He had started looking at you, following your moment, when you came out.

"Why'd you do that?"

"Reading in low light effects your eyes negatively. Even five year olds know that." You deadpanned.

"Won't you get disturbed?"

You reached inside your bag and took out a book. "Nope! I've got my own book to read. Let's read for twenty minutes or so and then sleep?" You got in the bed and pulled the covers to cover your legs, mimicking his position. He nodded, and went back to reading.

You all were on the Red Bullet Tour, and you all were currently in a hotel. There were four rooms, and you and Namjoon were together in one room. You both were okay with it, though you could see the slight nervousness in his eyes, and you knew it was because he took a considerable amount of space while sleeping. That, and he had a habit of cuddling, be it the fluffy cozy covers, a pillow, or at times, a human. Your intellectual leader was actually a big baby with an even bigger brain. You had seen him sleep before, so you knew.

But you were absolutely fine, knowing you took a lot less space while sleeping, and you loved cuddling too.

Five minutes passed, then fifteen, and then thirty. Neither of you wanted to sleep, despite the fact that you had a performance the day after. You were too engrossed in the murder mystery in your hand, and he was in the same position with his poetry book.

You rubbed your eyes, drowsiness finally setting in. The action did not go unnoticed by him, and he checked the time. "Hey, it's been longer than we expected. Let's go to sleep." You nodded silently, kept the book on the bedside dresser, and laid down. He, on the other hand, got up to switch off the light, and keep the book in his bag so he wouldn't forget it.

Both of you just laid there for five minutes, and when you randomly looked in his direction, you saw him asleep, his head poking out of the blanket. He looked like a human burrito.

'Wrap Monster. Pffft!' You laughed internally at the pun you made half asleep, then mentally noting that you needed to stop spending so much time with Seokjin after a while. You were pulled out of your gibberish thoughts when he moved towards you, snuggling further into the covers.

You smiled and wrapped your arms around him, satisfaction settling in when cuddled back. After that, it took you only a minute before you fell into a deep slumber.

*****

Namjoon felt something moving. Then he heard small whimpers. He was too sleepy to acknowledge them, so he tried to go to sleep again. Then he felt something moving against him again. He finally pried open one of his eyes. But he saw nothing in front of him. His eyes widened. Where were you?

That's when you let out another whimper, and he looked down to his chest. You were curled up in a ball, clutching his shirt tightly in your hands, whimpering. He knew you were having a nightmare, and he started stroking your cheek slowly.

You might not have slept with any of the guys before, but you had slept in front of them. And they usually sent Namjoon to wake you up. He had once complained that you were hard to wake up, so you has told him that it was easier to wake you up by stroking your cheek.

He also weaved his hands in your hair, then taking them out. He repeated his actions for a minute or so, and then you finally opened your eyes. "J-Joon?" You whispered shakily. "Yeah, angel?" You were the youngest, and the only girl of the group, and Namjoon knew how rowdy the boys could be, so he had made his personal mission to protect you and be responsible for you. He had a younger sister in real, and you just reminded him of her so much, that it was natural for his older brother instincts to kick in.

You both had gradually gotten very close, resulting in him even giving you a nickname. Angel, he called you, because of your sweet and kind nature. You always saw the good in people, and helped people to become their better selves. More often than not, you also let the hate comments get to you, being the innocent soul that you were.

You did sometimes do a complete 360 and became the most savage person on Earth. But you only let this side of you come out in front of the guys, when you felt extra comfortable. The boys were rubbing off on you, and you didn't mind. It was better than being naive and being bullied all through your school years.

That's what your nightmare was about. Your bully beating you up physically, all the while saying stuff and calling you names. He was the only one who knew about this, and he also knew what you had just dreamed about.

"J-Joon!" You buried your face in his chest and cried your heart out, his heart breaking a little with every sob and every sniffle. "I-I'm s-so s-scared. S-so s-scared. H-help. Please. Please." And then you started sobbing and whimpering again. "Shh, shh, shh. Everything will be just fine, angel. You're okay. I'm here. I'll always be here. Nobody will ever harm you or touch you again. I promise angel. Shh." He could feel tears forming in his own eyes.

He kept saying sweet things to you, and soon, his soothing velvety voice finally calmed you down. You would still let out a sniffle or a whimper every once in a while, but that was the after effect of crying so much. The last time you were bullied was in school, and that was a few years ago. When people had come to know about you debuting, they had stopped, but they did leave hate comments, and you felt tremendously guilty that the boys were on the receiving end of the hate because of you.

You felt his arms tighten around you. "Oh, angel." You heard him mutter. If anyone else except the boys had said so, you would've thought that you were being a burden in them. But the guys had proved to you a lot of times that they genuinely loved and cared for you. You knew he was sad for you, and you felt bad for waking him up.

For him, you tried to be strong. Strong enough to not get effected by things like these. Strong enough to deal with your shit on your own. And while you knew that these boys, who you had started seeing more like brothers, would always be there for you, you wanted to make them proud by being strong and not relying on them too much.

With that thought in mind, you whispered, "I love you, Joon." And then you felt asleep, not hearing him say, "I love you too, angel."

Jimin

"Chim!" You clung onto him as soon as he laid down. You all had decided to change the sleeping settings, suggested by yours truly, so you could mingle in and get to know the boys better than before. Unfortunately for you, everyone picked Jimin to sleep with you. You both were already very close, so this was completely unnecessary. On the other hand, you were kinda happy it was him, because everyone else would've been super awkward with you. Both you and Jimin were very clingy, and the people you clinged to were often each other.

"Y/n!" He clung back to you. You both giggled and let go of each other. The weather was very hot and humid today, and all of you were sweating profusely. You reached for the remote and used it to switch on the AC.

"Ah! That feels so much better." He sighed at spread himself like a star fish. You did the same, and one of your arms and legs ended up on top of one of his arms and legs. "This really does feel good." You agreed with him. Then you both spiralled into silence. Which lasted for two minutes tops.

"I'm bored! And not sleepy!" He whined. "Me too..."

You both turned toward each other, thinking the same thing, and smirked. Suddenly getting up, you both started jumping up and down on the bed. Which lasted for five minutes, because a very angry Hoseok stormed in and gave you both a earful about making a racket in the middle of the night while everyone was sleeping. He went out muttering something which suspiciously sounded like 'we never should've put these two monkeys together...'

Now, both of you we're sitting cross legged on the bed, pouting. You sighed. "We really should go to sleep." He agreed and you both laid down. Despite the fact that neither of you were very tired, both of you fell asleep considerably fast, curled up and facing each other.

*****

"NO!!!" You yelled. "No..." you let out strangled sobs reacting the word again and again. Your body shook with every sob, every whimper. He was gone. Gone forever. How could you live without him? Your sunshine, your best friend, your brother, gone, just like that. "Jimin..."

You gasped, and sat up suddenly. You were having trouble breathing. Your brain didn't register the small comforting hands rubbing your arm and your back. Your brain didn't register the small sweet words coming from from your side. You were just too shook up from the nightmare. You were the kind of person who cherished their every single relationship. Within the two years you had known the boys, you had gotten very attached to them, especially Jimin.

Your tears finally stopped flowing down like rain, and you frantically looked around. "Jimin, Jimin, Jimin." You turned towards him, and as soon as you saw him, you jumped into his arms and hugged him tightly like your life depended on it. He, on the other hand was very confused.

He had woken up because he heard you cry in your sleep. But then you started taking his name again and again. He started wondering if you were dreaming about him. Just as he was about to touch you, you sprang up, scaring the daylight's out of him. And now again, you kept chanting his name like he'd disappear into thin air.

"Y/n?" You whimpered back.

"What happened?"

"Nightmare." You had trouble saying that one word. He figured he shouldn't ask you anymore questions regarding the topic. He simply hummed and laid down, taking up you with him. You snuggled into his chest, and he wrapped his arms around you. You could feel his breath on your neck, and it calmed you down a lot.

Soon, you both feel into a peaceful land of nothingness.

Taehyung

Both of you were cuddled up against each other, watching a short comedy movie before bed. Both of you knew that one of the elders will be here soon, scolding you to go to sleep soon, and how they were regretting their decision to let both of you sleep together. Taehyung had been whining all day about how Namjoon wouldn't cuddle with him, and he needed a cuddle buddy, so you volunteered.

Everyone was very reluctant to agree to the idea, but his puppy dog eyes plus your puppy dog eyes resulted in melted hearts from cuteness overload.

You both giggled again quietly, the movie nearing it's end. After a while, you both finished it in a fit of giggles. And then you saw him sobering up. His eyes widened in a way which said he was interested. You were going to tell him that sleep was important, and that they should do that, but before you could say anything, he started, "y/n, this video is less than a minute long, let's watch."

'Less than a minute? Okay.' You internally shrugged.

Before you could see the thumbnail, he clicked on it. Shrugging, you sat beside him, and saw what was it about. It had a very creepy looking corridor. And suddenly, BAM! A jump scare frightened your soul out of you. You were so shaken up, you didn't even scream, just sat there with wide eyes, clutching your chest and breathing heavily.

You not screaming led him to believe that you weren't afraid, and he simply got up to switch off the lights, and kept the phone on the table. By this time, you had calmed down. You laid down, thankful that the lights were off, and he hadn't asked you to cuddle yet. Just as you thought that, an arm snaked around your waist, pulling you closer to him. He snuggled his face into your neck, and fell asleep shortly.

You couldn't sleep though. The jump scare kept replaying in your head. The human brain was amazing wasn't it; it kept replaying stuff you wanted to forget, be it your last embarrassing moments, or scary things like this. Finally, after an hour of trying sleep partially came to you.

*****

You had only been asleep for two hours or so, and that too not even properly, when the jump scare replayed in your head more creepily and scarily than before.

You suddenly jumped and sat up, trying to take big breaths and shaking violently. As you were wrapped in Taehyung's arms, he too woke up, from the sudden movement. "Y/n? You okay?" He frantically asked. His eyes finally adjusted to the dark lighting in the room, and that's when he saw you shaking. The lack of reply from you scared him even more.

"Y/n." He kept his hand on your shoulder. You jumped back in surprise, almost falling off the bed. "Y/n." At this point, he was repeating himself. "T-Tae." You moved towards him and wrapped your arms around his torso, resting your cheek against his chest. He didn't know what was going on, but he slid his arms around your waist nonetheless. A tear slid down your cheek, from all the frustration.

"Y/n, what happened? Please tell me. Don't scare me like this." He whispered in his smooth deep voice right in your ear. "Jump scare video." You simply replied. "Oh. I didn't know you were scared. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was afraid you'd think of me as a scaredy-cat."

"Aw. I would've teased you, yes, but everyone has their fears. Now, for instance," he pulled you back and looked at you, "Hobi hyung is so afraid of snakes." You let out a small smile, recalling how freaked out he was when you all had to go take pictures with snakes. He did a complete 360 while the photo was being clicked, but he had screamed a lot. It was hilarious.

While you were thinking about Hoseok and snakes, Taehyung saw you smiling a little and smiled. He proceeded to tell you hilarious stories which happened before you joined as a trainee. You both spent at least an hour quietly smiling and grinning, giggling and laughing. You don't remember when, but you both has fallen asleep sometime after you decided to lay down instead of sitting in that uncomfortable position. Well, uncomfortable for him, you were more than happy sitting like that, in his arms.

The next morning, you woke up and found the boy almost completely on top of you, nuzzling his head in the crook of your neck.

Jungkook

You and Jungkook were in your new room. Being the maknaes, Namjoon had decided to put you both together. That, and Jungkook took a lot of space while sleeping, while you slept curled up in a ball.

Right now, you were trying a new game, and he was taking a shower. You heard the water stop, but paid no attention. Continuing with the game, it took you to complete a level as long as it took him to wear his clothes and come out of the bathroom.

"Hey." You didn't want to be rude and ignore him, but your focus was still on the game. He looked towards you. "Can I join?" You could hear the hopefulness in his voice. You smiled and nodded, picking up the other consol and stretching your hand in his general direction. You felt him take it from you, and you aggressively started punching the buttons with both your hands. He waited for you to finish the level, which you soon did, and then changed the game into two-player mode. (I've never played a video game. Forgive me.)

Both of you spent an hour playing the game, until Seokjin entered and sternly told you both to finally sleep. After promising him that you both would sleep as soon as you finish the level, you both got engrossed in the game again.

"No, no, no, y/n! Behind you!"

"Ah! No, no, no, no, YES!"

"SHH!"

"Sorry, sorry." You nervously chuckled.

"Anyway, the level's done. We should go to be—*yawn* —d. And that just proves I'm sleepy."

You both laughed. He switched off the lights, as soon as you packed up the game. Soon, you were both in the bed. "Goodnight, y/n."

"Goodnight, Kookie."

*****

"Kook, Kook, Jungkook." You shook the boy next to you, who was deep in sleep. You just had a really scary nightmare, and you needed comfort. You were kind of guilty for waking him up, but knowing that he wouldn't mind bought a little relief. "Hmm? What happened y/n?" He asked you sluggishly.

"I-I. Can I sleep with you?"

"You are sleeping with me."

"No, no, can I, like, you know, ugh! Can we cuddle, or at least hug?"

He was wide awake by now. "What's with the sudden request?"

"I may or may have had a nightmare?" You voice turned squeaky towards the end.

"Oh." The threw his head on the pillow, and you almost thought that he would call you a scaredy-cat and go back to sleep. Instead, he opened his arms as an invitation. You gladly nuzzled into his chest, sighing a little as you did so. He started rubbing the small of your back. He smelt good. Like soap and comfort.

"You okay, though?" You hummed, his gestures and smeel lulling you into sleep, slowly. You felt him smile, and you smiled too. "Thank you, Kookie."

"Go to sleep, y/n.

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ruthoakenshield · 4 years ago

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The Lady in the Black Leather (Ch 24)

Warning, some chapters contain smut, mentions of sensitive topics such as rape, abuse, flashbacks and such. This story is for 18+age readers ONLY. Read at your own discretion.

Master list for this tale to catch up: Chapters: 01 , 02 , 03 , 04 , 05 , 06 , 07 , 08 , 09 , 10 , 11 , 12 , 13 , 14 , 15 , 16 , 17 , 18 , 19 , 20 , 21 , 22 , 23

characters: Harley, Graham, Scarlett, Aiden, Phantom

You text Scarlett while Graham plays tug of war with Phantom with the rope toy.

“Hey Scar, you guys done filming yet? Want to come hang out and maybe we can find a game we all can have fun playing?” you message her and send it off.

She replies, “Sure! Aiden just got done filming for the day, we’ll be up in a bit. He got a new game he wants to play with us, so we’ll bring it when we come.”

You grin and watch Graham and Phantom play for a while. Laughing at Phantom’s game of tug and let go. He tugs the toy until Graham’s arms are almost straight out, then he lets go of the toy and it flies back and smacks Graham in the chest.

After a few rounds of that, Graham finally caught on that that was the game Phantom was playing and he surprised the dog and did it back to him. Waiting till Phantom was pulling, Graham let go. Phantom stumbled back and just looked at the two of you with a dumbfounded look on his face like he was thinking, “Wait, that wasn’t supposed to happen! I’m supposed to be the one letting go!”

You and Graham just cracked up at the look on the dog’s face. Phantom huffed and went to pout on his bed and chewed on his rawhide bone.

Phantom’s ear pops up and he turns his head towards the hospital room’s door, and he trots over to it and lets out a soft ‘Wuff’ letting Graham know someone else was there. Graham goes over and signals for Phantom to ‘stay’ and he opens the door.

Aiden and Scarlett are walking up the hallway and Phantom’s tail starts wagging when he hears them.

‘Wuff’ he says again, and Graham looks down at the dog, then back at you, you nod, and he signals ‘go’ and lets Phantom go greet Aiden and Scarlett. They catch him and pet him, and signal ‘come’ and he follows them back up to the door.

They enter and greet you. You see what Scarlett is carrying. She shows you it’s a game called “Apples to Apples” and says they thought it would be fun to play with you and Graham and Rich when he was done with work.

You look at Graham and he is reading the instructions and gets a HUGE grin on his face. “Oh, heck ya! We gotta play this!!!” he replies excitedly.

You grin and Graham hands you the instructions to read through. You do so and realize it does sound like a lot of fun. “Too bad we can’t have some drinks in here while we play it. But the hospital won’t allow it.” You say.

You all decide to play a few rounds to get the feeling for the game and then when it hits 4pm, Graham tells Aiden and Scarlett that he is going to call his wife on Zoom on your computer and asks if he wants to say ‘hi’ and introduce Scarlett.

Aiden excitedly nods and so you all gather around your laptop after you lower the bed railings so everyone can squeeze in around you.

Graham makes the Zoom call and Gwen answers and greets him. Then he lets Aiden say ‘hi’ and introduces Scarlett to Gwen and the girls, who are excited to see Aiden. The two young girls ask when he’s coming back for a visit. He chuckles and says he isn’t sure yet. They greet Scarlett and talk with her a little bit, then Graham introduces you to them and tells them you are Richard’s girlfriend.

Gwen’s face lights up. “OH! You’re the one we decided to ‘adopt’! The one Graham’s been telling me about!” she says excitedly. You grin and nod. “Yup. That’s me. ‘Hi Mom!’ you say, giggling.

She gets a big smile! “Girls, come meet your new big sister your Dad and I unofficially adopted!” you hear the girls squeal and come running into the picture. ‘Which one is she?” the younger one asks.

You wave, “That’d be me.” You tell them. They wave and say ‘hi!’ and ask you all kinds of questions, making Graham and Gwen chuckle. You answer their questions and ask them a few like what do they like, favourtie colors, hobbies. They tell you then their Mom shoos them off to go finish their breakfast.

She asks how things are going, and you tell her you met with the attorney Rich hired to go after your ex. You tell her you’re pressing charges against your ex and told the lawyer to throw the book at him.

She chuckles and nods.

You tell her you meet with the judge tomorrow and will go from there on that aspect of things.

She asks how’s things going with Richard and you grin.

“They are going good. He is taking it slow and is treating me well. I’m not used to being treated with such kindness and consideration. So, it is taking me some time to get used to it.” You tell her. “He makes me feel safe and extremely loved and cared for.” You say.

She grins happily.

“He asked me to walk the Red Carpet with him at his and Graham’s new movie Premieres and wants me to travel with him for the promos.” You tell her, giggling. “Kinda took me by surprise!”

Gwen gets a HUGE grin on her face, “Well, then Grammy, I think we had better come for a visit and celebrate your new movie and our new family member!” She tells him.

His eyes get HUGE and he looks surprised, “You sure, Sweetie? It’s an awful long flight! And I know how you hate flying!” he reminds her.

“I know, Graham, but I want to be there with you and so do the girls. They’re old enough now and want to walk the Red Carpet with Daddy.” She tells him.

You all hear the girls begging, “PLEEEEEAAAAASSSSEEE Poppa!!!”

You look up at Graham and can tell he is a big pushover and he grins and says, “Oh all right! I will talk to the director and my assistant and get my ladies their tickets.”

You all laugh as you hear his girls scream excitedly in the background and Gwen is covering her ears.

Once the girls calm down you feel Phantom nuzzling your leg. You motion ‘up’ and he pops up onto the bed to see what is making all the commotion on the table top. Aiden and Scarlett move out of the way so Phantom can come sit next to you on your right side. You see Gwen grin and say, “And who is that ball of fluff? Girls! Come see this!’ she tells them.

They come running back to stand by their Mom and are munching on what looks like waffles. They are looking eagerly into the computer screen.

“This,” you say, “Is my service / protection dog. His name is Phantom. Graham & Richard bought him and paid for training for me so Phantom can keep me safe from my ex and anyone else who wishes to harm me.” You explain.

“AWWW! Hi Phantom!!!” the young girls say! “What kind of dog is he?” they ask. You tell them that Phantom is a mix between two Belgian Breeds, one is the sheepdog, the other starts with a T and you can never remember how to say it. Which makes everyone laugh.

Phantom says, “Wuff!” when he hears voices, but you don’t think he understands where they are coming from. He hops back down onto the floor and goes to lie down by the door.

You tell them that they will meet him when they come for a visit and the girls can have fun playing with him then when he isn’t in his service dog vest. They get excited and tell you all they can’t wait to come visit.

You grin and look up at Graham, who is just beaming.

“Did you get her gift, Graham?” Gwen asked after shooing the girls back to their breakfast.

“Yes, my Love, I gave it to her. We were going to have it fitted today, but she ended up being attacked by her ex yesterday afternoon as Rich and her got out of the car with Phantom in front of Aiden’s apartment. Phantom attacked her ex, but he got off a shot before Phantom could bring him down. The bullet hit Harley’s leg so she is in the hospital for the next week.” He explains.

“Once she is released from the Hospital, I will take her to have the dress fitted properly.”

She smiles and nods. “Graham sent me pics of the dress and the corset. It will look wonderful on the Red Carpet, Sweetheart!” she tells you. “I look forward to meeting you in person so I can give you a big hug.” She says excitedly to you, making you grin.

“I look forward to it too.” You tell her.

You let Graham and Gwen talk for a bit and when they are done, you all tell them goodbye and they wave back and say, “See you all soon!” the girls say, “Bye Poppa! See you when we get there!” and they hug the monitor.

Graham chuckles and blows them kisses. Then they sign off.

Aiden looks up at Graham and says, “You’re such a pushover! They have gotten so Big! What is your wife feeding them! Last time I saw them, Hope was maybe the size Honor is and Honor was just barely toddling around!!!”

Graham just beams. “Just good New Zealand cooking, Aid. Kids grow like weeds at that age! Though Hope will start slowing down with the growth spurts pretty soon.” He tells Aiden.

Just then you get a text from Rich. “FINALLY DONE! 😊 Be there soon! Who’s all up there? I’ll pick up supper for all of us.”

You reply, “YAY!!!!! Graham, Aiden, Scarlett and I are all here with Phantom. You just missed the zoom call with Gwen, Hope and Honor though.” you message back.

He replies, “What?!?! Awww nuts! Well, I’m on my way. Should be there in about 20 min.” he tells you.

You chuckle. “Guys? Mind if I give you the boot for a few minutes. I’d like to get cleaned up a little more before Rich shows up???” you ask.

Graham grins and nods. “Sure, Sweetheart. We’ll go take Phantom for a good long walk around the block a couple times.” He tells you. “Just text us when you’re ready for us to head back up.” He tells you and gives you a kiss on your forehead.

They take Phantom and hook him up to the leash and grab the rope toy and head down to the outdoors.

Stay tuned, more chapters to follow!!!

If you wish to be added / deleted from the tag list let me know :

Tagging: @fizzyxcustard @thorinthehottytotty @dumbassunderthemountain@deepestfirefun @thetherianthropydaily @daisy-picking-lady @spookybunny-blog @dabisburntnut @emrfangirl @midnight-reader-morning-sleeper @hilary456 @criminaly-supernatural @asraime @saviorsongwrites @mary-ann84 @thecavillchronicles @dancingwendigo @henrythickcavill @chamomilebottom @iloveyouyen @wolvesandhoundshowltogether @madbaddic7ed

#richard armitage #reader x richard armitage #Graham McTavish #Gwen McTavish #Hope & Honor McTavish #Scarlett #aiden turner #Phantom #hospitalized #bullet to leg #zoom call #making plans #red carpet debut #apples to apples game #recovery #getting to know each other #introductions

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wanna-b-poet31 · 5 years ago

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Observations on Aziraphale and Food

In the last few days I’ve noticed a few things I never considered in my earlier Observations of Aziraphale and Food. Primarily, how much Gabriel (and Heaven)’s treatment of Aziraphale’s relationship with food mirrors their treatment of his relationship with Crowley!

Let’s take a closer look at the Sushi-house scene.

As I mentioned before, Aziraphale goes from an expectant smile to a terse, forced one in a matter of seconds. He glances to his left, at a mirror (not a door), expectantly and his face falls considerably as he’s faced with Gabriel’s >garbage< presence. There’s a tense greeting (Gabriel cutting off Aziraphale’s attempts at politeness) and then Gabriel starts by saying:

[gif: Gabriel, pointing to food saying “why do you consume that” with an emphasis on that, indicating a dismissive tone]

I maintain that Gabriel’s actions here ARE abusive with a capital A, but they’re also dismissive and hypocritical. Look at the condescending pointing, accusatory tone, the grimace of the Hollier-than-thou archangel. Not only is food, and eating disgusting to him, it’s “unnatural” to him. It repulses him, and is somehow sullying “the temple of [his] celestial body with gross matter”.

In the above gif, pay particular attention to the feigned look of momentary confusion before settling on the condemnation of food as “gross matter”. Yes, you could read this as him being genuinely confused about why/how Aziraphale could possibly choose to indulge in food, but any authenticity is immediately undercut when Aziraphale points out Gabriel’s attire and Gabriel admits he “likes the clothes”. In almost the same breath he’s ready to attack Aziraphale.

Functionally, Gabriel is “guilty” with the same “sin” of over-indulgence, of an overattachment to human items, to coveting clothes, but it is Aziraphale who is wrong. It is somehow Aziraphale who is “deserving” of punishment. Gabriel is not without sin, so why is he throwing the first stone?

Control.

Heaven’s need/demand for control is fundamental. Aziraphale’s indulgences are only gluttonous to Heaven and Gabriel because it allows him an outlet to exercise freedom outside their sanctioned, color-coded, cold-blooded power structure. Like nothing is intrinsically wrong with Aziraphale liking food, there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with working or loving Crowley. Michael clearly reaches out to Ligur as equals, Gabriel joins Beelzebub freely at the airfield, and then Eric, a disposable demon, is referred to as Heaven’s new associate. Essentially, because the ineffable spouses can’t be controlled (at least not easily) when they’re together, and on the same page, they must be crushed.

The double standard exists almost exclusively to harm Aziraphale and Crowley, our loveable bastards. Unlike other bad angels and demons we see in Good Omens, they will choose to be kind, Aziraphale will choose to be “frivolous” with his miracles, and Crowley will choose compassion towards kids (although he does plead on the behalf of all humanity when he talks to God).

But, Gabriel and Heaven cannot allow for dissent or variable. Heaven cannot allow Aziraphale the same freedom to interact with demons because it would erode their control over the principality. Partly because of Aziraphale clear, explicit, and repeated concern and disagreement with the end times -- more than once offering solutions that don’t require a war to have to happen at all -- but because Aziraphale is a liability to the cause.

So What Does This Scene Do?

This is the most critical moment for Aziraphale as it is a direct test of the pretext that he has established between himself and Crowley. We get the feeling that no one from Heaven has actually witnessed Aziraphale’s eating and drinking habits, and Aziraphale has banked so much on the idea that consuming food and using food as a layer of protection. So when Gabriel asks him about it the accusation speaks volumes. The message from Gabriel is clear: Aziraphale is wrong for eating, but also, his acceptance that it is necessary for Aziraphale to masquerade on earth shows that the pretext works.

Aziraphale tries to present his interest, a small act of individuality, of love, without pretext. To love something, someone, simply because he loves it. And this is the reaction he gets:

[gif: Gabriel from Good Omens makes a face of repulsion while Aziraphale tries to explain that people he likes sushi just because it’s nice]

It’s immediately clear that simply loving his interest is will be rejected.

If something so small, so inconsequential like food is easily condemned because he likes it without a reason, then there’s no way in Heaven or Hell that being transparent about his feelings (platonic or no) towards Crowley will be accepted.

So, after a beat, Aziraphale has his reaction ready, smoothly arguing that eating sushi seeing Crowley, is something humans do. Through a forced smile, he insists he’s doing it merely for “Keeping up appearances”. And, with some commentary about the nice suits, Gabriel grudgingly accepts this excuse. It is within reason that Aziraphale is indeed going to need to be “keeping up appearances”.

His transgression is still “condemnable” in Gabriel’s worldview (as evidenced by the face of repulsion at being offered tea), but Aziraphale’s actions are suddenly acceptable because it doesn’t denote independence, nor breaks Heaven’s double standard.

This scene reaffirms Aziraphale’s use of food as a safety net. And reminds him how critical it is for them to have a pretense, a catalyst which allows them a cover from the wrath of their respective bosses. The mere fact that he can escape this encounter without being harmed because of the pretext of food, is motivation enough to keep holding Crowley at an arm’s length away. If he can spin their encounters as innocently going to lunch to “keep up appearances,” both are protected. Both, at least Aziraphale hopes both, are safe.

Remember, Aziraphale is the one who constantly insists that Hell will Destroy Crowley for being caught being with him. While at the Globe, at the park in the 1800′s, or in the Bentley with the thermos -- places mind you where Aziraphale’s preferred pretense is barely there and he is most vulnerable-- he doesn’t emphasize his own safety, but Crowley’s. He needs this pretext yes, he knows Heaven will make him pay, but he cares, despite it all so much for Crowley.

As long as there’s the pretext of a meal, there’s safety.

Which, to me, at least makes the 60′s Bentley scene so much more powerful.

Crowley is willing to drop the pretext in a heartbeat. In fact, if you go all the way back and look at his initial request for Holy water, that IS his first attempt at dropping pretext. He is announcing that he is willing to drop literally everything, to throw his lot in with Aziraphale, all he needs is a weapon. He is as explicitly as he can, telling Aziraphale that if this all goes to Hell, they are not so different, (read: they want the same things) and they need physical protection.

But, Aziraphale has a weapon. He has food; he has social decorum; he has excuses; he has loopholes; he has pretext. He is almost literally physically unable to disobey Heaven and he’s been conditioned to need Heaven like an abusive parent. His need to be accepted by Heaven is almost as much as he willingly chooses to love Crowley, so he cannot surrender pretext. Especially if the threat of Crowley’s (and his) safety hangs in the balance.

Back in the Bentley, When Crowley says “I’ll give you a lift. Anywhere you want to go” he’s effectively saying “I will give you the picnic, I’ll take you to the Ritz, I will drop all pretext now. I’m ready for that future with you, without ”.

Aziraphale rips all of our (and Crowley’s) Hearts out when he says “You go to fast for me, Crowley” because we’re all aware that it’s not a no to the romantic feelings. But he just handed Crowley a literal suicide pill, the seeds of his best friend’s own destruction. He has just detailed how Holy Water will destroy Crowley’s very essence, how he has just made Crowley unsafe with the tartan thermos. And yet, he refuses to dismantle all of the safety nets he’s constructed for himself and Crowley.

TLDR: Food is a pretext that Aziraphale tests and uses to evade Gabriel’s/Heaven’s abuse. And, he so badly needs to and wants to shield Crowley and himself, meanwhile, Crowley is more than willing to be the thing that protects them both. They’re both so ready to be loved and protect the one they love most.

Thanks for coming to my TedTalk

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colourlys · 5 years ago

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So, let's talk foreshadowing for chapter 956

A perhaps unnecessarily long essay on X Drake. With pictures, because after 10 years, I wanted to be extra.

As I mentioned previously, I have been waiting 10 years for this reveal. When Drake was first introduced, it was no big deal. Former Marine turned pirate/criminal. Happened/s in real life. Thought nothing of it. But when Kizaru started interacting with Drake - that's when it sent up red flags. (Do I detect a pun?)

The Initial Foreshadow

It was Drake who came across Kizaru - not wanting to. Don't blame him. Kizaru may be a goofy guy, but he is seriously dangerous - and of all of the people present, Drake would know that best as a former Marine.

It was Kizaru addressing Drake as Rear Admiral Drake, present tense, in chapter 508, that first caught my attention. It was small, perhaps a shock on Kizaru's part to see Drake; but an odd and noted statement on my part. Even if characters are "new," there are still base perceptions we should have about them. Such as, Drake is a former Marine: a former Rear Admiral, a higher rank, with what we later learn is possibly a stolen Marine ship, rebranded for his piracy. To begin with: Drake should be a high priority for treason, capture, and execution. But he wasn't, so that's sloppy - but considering Sengoku was at HQ and The Terror Themselves, the Marine Admirals, could float around on an order… that wasn’t adding up. Kizaru calling Drake Rear Admiral... it’s odd. Caught off guard. I’ll let it slide.

Next chapter, 509, Kizaru repeats his mistake - he calls Drake a Rear Admiral (pardon the scanlation error) in the present tense - and then he has to correct himself to Former Rear Admiral.

So, to recap: by this time, Drake is a highly ranked defector with a stolen ship and a reputation of brutality months to at least a year in the making in order to establish himself a reputation as a Supernova. For Kizaru to be making the mistake of referring to his rank in the present tense twice, one has to question why. Drake should be well established, well spoken of, as a former within the ranks of the military, and particularly the upper echelon who would be keeping tabs on him and his destruction because, for some reason, they’re allowing it. Kizaru then goes into an explanation and over the pages Drake is uncomfortable, seemingly because he is with still Admiral Kizaru and he wants to leave. In reality and in my interpretation, Kizaru is almost playful, taunting even, as if he and Drake are in on a joke others aren't supposed to know about. Like, “See, I came this close to saying something I shouldn't have, but I recovered at the last minute, you see? A total save.”

Kizaru proceeds with a thorough thrashing of the present pirates, because that's his job and the role Drake has accepted as an undercover agent. Because by this time, to me, it was obvious Drake was not a real defector but for some reason undercover. Kizaru couldn't blow the cover of their agent, so he kicked the asses of all present and let them all go because Drake had a job to complete. If he let just one pirate (Drake) go, it'd have been suspicious. Kizaru had to act accordingly. The Straw Hats needed apprehending also aided in this, as it gave him an excuse to leave the defeated pirates for pickup by other Marines.

Another thing of interest is Kizaru giving Drake permission to attack the Pacifista in chapter 509. In doing so, this would allow Drake to know that he has a superior’s permission to essentially damage their own weapon (because he might not inherently have wanted to), but it would also allow Marines to gauge the effectiveness of the Pacifista against an opponent with fully known abilities. It would also help Drake in gaining the ‘trust’ of the other pirates, who might become suspicious if Drake is hesitant to participate.

So, Why Drake In Particular?

youtube

Play the audio.

Because he's a fucking dinosaur, that's why. Like Kaido of the Beasts ain't gonna want another fucking dinosaur in his ranks. Only two his besties are an herbivorous dinosaur and a pteronodon, so an actual fucking carnivorous dinosaur? Hell fucking yeah.

So, after the Battle of Marineford, when our Supernovas are heading off to the New World, Paradise, we learn Drake's intention: challenge Kaido.

How to Impress Your Local Dragon Emperor

I don't know about y'all, but when Drake attacked Scotch, to me, it didn’t seem like a challenge towards Kaido for territory or to overthrow him. As a former Marine of considerable rank, Drake shouldn’t be that stupid. He knows how to plan and attack. In other words, this was strategic and for a purpose. This was more of a knock on Kaido's door for attention and admission into the club than to piss all over his doorstep like a dog claiming territory (sort of like the beef between a certain redheaded guy with another redheaded guy). As previously established in the last several years of this series, Kaido was impressed and let him in.

Keeping Up the Facade, part 1

The real question is, does Kaido suspects anything?

As someone who has been looking forward to this; like everybody else, I've kinda grown fond of my slowly building impressions of Drake and worry for his general safety. You know, our beloved Rosinante has placed some worry in our hearts. In-story, Drake’s been undercover with Kaido for 2 years. That’s enough time to build trust, but the trust of someone with Drake’s background would be harder to keep. Either Kaido trusts blindly once you’re sworn (and proven) your allegiance, or he’s always going to have a hint of suspicion.

Speaking of Rosi: The Flashback, on Minion Island

The flashback introduction of Drake brings us the introduction of Drake's father, the Marine turned abusive pirate, Barrels. To throw a little head cannon in; honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if Barrels forced Drake to eat the devil fruit to get the power from it, in the form of someone he can control, but not have to suffer any of the actual consequences of having eaten a devil fruit. Drake was shown to be a happy kid in the SBS. Drake, by the time of the flashback, was between 19 and 20 years old - an adult - and he did not fight back against or leave his abusive father. Trigger warning for abuse victims and survivors. He was terrified of his father. He probably took that abuse for many years and was expected to take it without a whimper or cowering; think back to how he braced himself for Kizaru’s kick. He was old enough to leave, but he couldn't. Why? Because he feared his father. His father could track him down before he got away, harm him, maybe he’d even tried it before; probably told him he'd amount to nothing in the real world, especially if found out to be a pirate; and Barrels probably told Drake exactly what would happen to him if he was caught for trying to escape, or trying to escape again. Escape was useless. There would never be any escaping, so why even bother.

I, myself, have experience as an abuse survivor. I have decided not to go into it, but please know that I do recall my experiences when it comes to understanding others - even fictional characters.

To finish this section up: we all cope in different ways. Even if the story is fictional, a lot of us find familiarity in that fictional situation and know how the fictional people might turn out - just like us real people. There are some people who will become abusers, oftentimes reflecting our abuser. Some who might abuse themselves but not other people. But there are also a lot of us who will not do any kind of defiance, abuse, or harm (to ourselves or otherwise) without reason because we know what it's like to be subjected to unwarranted cruelty. End trigger warning.

If there is one thing Oda does right, it is character development. Drake “becoming like his father by abandoning the Marines to become a violent pirate” or “wanting to see the other side,” it doesn’t make much sense when you finally get to the flashback. When Dolfamingo attacked Minion Island, Drake fled for his life. He was absolutely terrified. Terrified of Doflamingo, terrified of his father. He ran right into the arms of the Marines. A young, unwitting pirate, preferred the Marines over his own father. And he felt little remorse that his father died. And unlike Kizaru’s suggestion, he doesn’t really need to “see the other side” considering, you know, he was previously a pirate. (Probably not common knowledge.)

The Marines could put 2 and 2 together. This kid they found was Barrels' son. (Had the same surname.) He was an accomplice. Under duress. Rather than punish him, he was allowed to join the Marines. Yeah, there's a possibility it could have been 'punishment' or an alternative, but it also could have been something he wanted. He honestly probably didn't have much else in life, or maybe when he was little he considered becoming a Marine like his father, and to help people, not hurt them. (He also probably later adopted the X because it carries the same value as Diez, but distances himself from his father personally and professionally; or he just adopted it for piracy.) If Drake had the violent tendencies his father had towards him, it would have been noted earlier by the Marines and probably shown in his earlier appearances. Instead, we always received a very calm, observant persona.

With his experience and skills, Drake was the perfect person to go undercover in Kaido's ranks. Maybe the Marines were curious about Kaido's growing fleet, the SMILE, or maybe there are Marine spies in all of the Emperors’ fleets. Drake just fit perfectly into Kaido's fleet.

Keeping Up the Facade, part 2

As for the “bad” things we know Drake must have done as a pirate and under Kaido. There’s no reason to disbelieve that some of it could be exaggerated, particularly early on. Quite a bit would have to be honestly earned. So going back to the abuse Drake endured. While not all abuse victims become abusers, it is still important to understand that all abuse victims compartmentalize their abuse and tend to dissociate from it. We had to endure abuse, and we all developed ways with coping with it. Not all of us will inflict pain on other people (most of us will not), but we can under certain circumstances and for specific reasons. Not from evil intent, but because we might deem the action necessary in a more clinical, observational way.

To put it in context of Drake, he endured abuse under his father. Joined the Marines. Perhaps despises pirates, or perhaps just despises certain pirates and mentalities. He has agreed to help spy on Kaido, which means adopting the persona of an abuser and a pirate. Drake has this background through knowledge of his father and personal experiences. He probably doesn’t feel good about the things he has done, has to do, and witnesses, but he can compartmentalize his feelings. He can separate his emotions from his actions. He has put up a mental wall that protects his humanity from his inhumane actions, allowing him to do things in a dissociated way while still remaining fully conscious and in control.

Which brings us to the present Wano arc. He’s fulfilling his role as a Headliner by going after the dissenters of Orochi and Kaido, such as the Alliance and the incredible Stealth Black (less incredible O-Soba Mask). But he’s also shown hints of reservation, such as his refusal to enter the bathhouse. Now, already having this perception of Drake in my mind, it worked for me. He’s not just a “shy boy,” he’s a modest boy, a decent boy. He’s playing a bad guy, he’s not actually a bad guy. Going in a bathhouse full of women in varying states of undress. Sorry, a good guy, a Marine, more than likely isn’t going to do that without feeling ashamed or embarrassed, especially if people of the opposite gender are involved.

In addition, Hawkins has hinted Drake has been behaving strangely in their capture of Law. We later learn that Drake more than likely assisted in Law’s release. Next two questions would be, what was Drake doing, and if and how much Drake told Law about his role (if Law didn’t already know about it)? There’s some speculation that Law and Drake maybe already have a familiarity: as citizens of North Blue, the fact that Drake’s father had and was looking to sell the Ope Ope fruit, while Law is currently the user/carrier of said fruit, and the fact that Drake may have served some of his time in North Blue. Or they met each other on the Grand Line. Or Law may have previously overhead/seen Drake reporting to the Marines. Really, speculation is endless. (There’s also more theorization involving Koby’s connection to Law.)

But then we have to consider the Marines. Particularly, Sakazuki and Borsalino (Akainu and Kizaru) discussing what to do with Wano.

youtube

Play the video, Kronk.

Like, how would you know about the strength of the samurai? Where are you gonna be getting that information if not from somebody on Wano? Probably not somebody native to Wano, as whoever it is would have to have connections to the Marines. That person would had to have fled Wano, joined the Marines, gained a reputation as a trustworthy Marine, only to sneak back into Wano, and gain another reputation as a trustworthy follower of Kaido or Orochi in order to become useful as a spy, when a Wano defector probably wouldn’t be re-accepted. I mean, there could be an easier way.

In all seriousness, it is interesting that the Marines seem to have an interest in intervening on Wano. Either to pull Drake out or to actually overthrow Kaido.

The next question would be whether Oda was just being cryptic in his delivery of the conversation between Sakazuki and Borsalino for the sake of keeping the Drake reveal private to us, or if the Marines themselves are suspicious that someone is eavesdropping on them or has ulterior motives?

Perhaps CP0? The World Government?

Of course, it could be an open secret for the upper echelon of the Marines and Sakazuki is actually just waiting for intel before blowing Drake’s cover (which could get him killed - not what you want to do to your spy). We’ll just have to watch how things play out.

In my not so serious conclusion to an absurdly long post, with this knowledge, Drake’s first appearance really went more like...

Chapter references will be in the comments.

#x drake #diez drake #one piece #one piece spoilers #op spoilers #op 956

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an-aura-about-you · 5 years ago

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It’s @zerozeroren‘s birthday! I can’t send her anything due to pandemic, so I’m writing her a nice fluffy father-son moment with Logos and Autor that just so happens to relate to the fic I just posted.

Catching Autor looking pensive is nothing new. Usually all anyone has to do to see it is check the office or the library. Today, however, he’s sitting at the upright, staring at the Gem in his hand. While he sits there and contemplates doing what he wishes, Logos happens to catch him.

“Ah, did Erina give you a gift?” he asks Autor.

Autor lets the Glory slip from his fingers, suspended on a delicate chain around his neck. The replica is quite small, only just big enough to hold the inscription, and attached to the chain at the two points where the serpents’ mouths meet each others’ tails. “You could say that,” he answers.

“May I see it?” Logos asks.

Autor undoes the chain and offers the jewelry to his father. “It’s a replica of AURYN.”

Logos takes the piece and whistles low in admiration as he inspects it. “Look at that detail. It even says, ‘Do What You Wish,’ on the back. Did you tell her you like that story or did she just guess?”

“She guessed I like the story.”

Logos gives the piece back, frowning a little at the way Autor shifts in place and the flatness of his response. “Everything all right between you two?”

Autor puts the replica back on and goes, “That... the relationship is okay.”

That’s an odd way to put it, but Logos can tell he’s stepping too far. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to press.”

“I know you didn’t,” Autor answers, hand going to the replica again. This time when he speaks, his brows furrow like he’s come to some decision. “I... It’s complicated, being in love.”

Isn’t that always the way of the teenager, something so simple on the surface being so complicated? Logos grins and says, “So? You’re in love with Erina. What’s so complicated about being in love with your girlfriend?”

But Autor shakes his head and the truth comes out. “You don’t understand. She’s not my girlfriend.”

Logos goes back to frowning and leans a little closer, waiting for elaboration. He doesn’t remember Autor and Erina breaking up, so what’s going on?

He takes a shaky breath and scrubs at his eyes under his glasses. “She asked... she asked me to pretend to be her boyfriend. That’s all this is. And apparently- ” He holds up the Gem again. “ -I’m doing a good job of it since she’s given me my ‘payment.’”

“Oh Autor,” Logos says, aware that most of the other words he has have long since become useless.

“What do I do, Vati?” Autor quietly asks, unable to wipe away his tears fast enough to hide them anymore.

He’s so small in asking, like a little boy again, and Logos wants all the answers to give him but knows he can never have them all. So the father puts an arm around his son’s shoulders. “Oh Autor, we’ll figure that out. You don’t have to figure it out alone.”

Autor leans against his father’s shoulder like he did when he was a kid, a little surprised at how safe he feels. He can’t go through the reasons why, not when he’s so focused on hurting. But the longer he stays here, the smaller the hurt becomes. And while the pain doesn’t go away completely, knowing he doesn’t have to face, “What do I do?” by himself leaves a warm relief in his heart.

Eventually Logos says, “Here, I was just about to get dinner started. Why don’t you come with me to the kitchen so we can figure this out?”

He feels Autor nod against him. He lets go and takes a step back, his frown only growing deeper as he looks at the miserable young man before him. He sighs through his nose, wishing he could just take all of his child’s pain away. But that’s not how life works.

“Do you mind telling me how it all started?” Logos asks as he turns towards the kitchen, indicating that Autor follow. “Like how you met Erina in the first place?”

Autor takes his glasses off a moment and wipes his eyes. “She...” He sniffles again. “She and Fakir needed a pianist for their dance practice.” He follows his father into the kitchen as Logos gets the kettle and sets it on the stove. “She got sick of everyone trying to pair her up with Fakir, so she asked me to pretend to be her boyfriend.”

“Poor girl,” Logos says as he heads to the cabinets next, working on his mise en place. “It must have been bad if she thought she had to be in a relationship to get some peace. Could you get the vegetables, Autor?”

Autor dutifully fetches an onion and some peppers. “Are we having potatoes, too?”

“Yes, thank you,” he says, setting out a cutting board. “Would you like to help or would you rather sit?”

“I can help,” Autor answers, taking some potatoes as well and bringing them over.

The two get to work, Logos chopping vegetables and Autor peeling potatoes.

“So,” Logos continues. “I do know what it’s like, pretending to be in a relationship only for there to be actual chemistry. Sometimes I’m a little too good at my job and get the occasional love confession, even now.”

“Really? You tell them about Mutti, right?”

“Of course. And they understand nothing will come of it. But I won’t lie, before your mother and I got together, some stage relationships ended up becoming offstage relationships.” He cleans the seeds out of the peppers. “Erina’s probably familiar with that herself, probably had more fake relationships than real ones when it comes to romance.”

Autor thinks back to the conversation he and Erina had when the arrangement began and her insistence on a fake relationship. When his father puts it like that, it makes sense to ask for what she knows. Would she still do that now?

“Now, how have you and Erina been enjoying your time together? Does this seem like a chore to her, or are both of you enjoying yourselves?”

Autor goes quiet, focusing more on the potatoes. Is she? She seems to be, but she might just be good at acting. Or he might just be imagining what he wants. For that matter, they didn’t say him receiving payment would be the end of the relationship, just the point when it was earned. And come to think of it, she wouldn’t have to pretend if they were alone.

Logos hums and says, “Well, if you’re not sure, maybe you should find out. Maybe Erina’s enjoying your company just as much as you’re enjoying hers. It’s worth asking to see if there’s a chance your feelings are requited.”

“And then?” he asks. “If they aren’t?”

“That’s up to you, if you’d like to tell her. The truth probably will come out sooner or later. But while it’s possible she doesn’t feel the same way, why despair about it before you know?”

Autor sets down the potato in his hand and the peeler. “When you put it like that, it does seem silly to get all worked up about it without even knowing.”

“It’s okay,” Logos says, moving the chopped vegetables to the pan. “With this situation, it’s only natural to be in a little turmoil.” He pauses after he says that and smiles, the first smile he’s put on after this topic came up. “Or maybe there’s another word for it.”

Autor glances over at his father just as he was about to resume his task, the familiarity seeping in but not quite clear yet. “Oh?”

“Do you want to pine over Cinderella or Rapunzel?”

Meaning strikes, but Autor doesn’t answer.

“Come on, I know you prefer Lloyd Webber-” Logos begins.

“Used to prefer Lloyd Webber!” Autor interrupts.

“-but Sondheim!”

“But really? Right now?”

“It’s so ridiculous that it’s sure to help. Or get some of the feelings out. If it doesn’t, we can sing something else. But even like this, Agony is pretty fun.”

Autor picks up another potato, the last one he has to peel at this point, and gets the peeler once more. “....all right, but I’ll be Cinderella’s Prince. I don’t think I’m as good as Rapunzel’s Prince.”

“Then you start.”

“Okay, just let me get this weird curve,” Autor says, trying to work the peeler around the oddly shaped potato. And then, after clearing his throat and a bit of humming to find his pitch, he begins:

“Did I abuse her or show her disdain? Why does she run from me? If I should lose her, how shall I regain the heart she has won from me? Agony!”

It’s here that Autor reaches out, gesturing with the potato peeler.

“Beyond power of speech when the one thing you want is the only thing out of your reach.”

Logos manages not to laugh before it’s his turn:

“High in her tower, she sits by the hour maintaining her hair. Blithe and becoming, and frequently humming a lighthearted air.”

As Logos wordlessly sings the tune, his overly-operatic voice leaves Autor in silent stitches. Father fetches a pot for the potatoes and Son reaches up from being doubled over to take it.

“Agony! Far more painful than yours!”

Autor laughs out loud at this point.

Undeterred, Logos continues:

“When you know she would go with you if there only were doors.”

The two manage to make it to the next bit, singing together:

“Agony! Oh the torture they teach!”

“What’s as intriguing- “ Logos asks.

“Or half as fatiguing- “ Autor adds.

“As what’s out of reach?” they join again.

It’s Autor’s turn again, and on each word he continues part of his task, potatoes going in the pot one by one, the water going in to cover them, and finally finding their home on top of the stove:

“Am I not sensitive, clever, well-mannered, considerate, passionate, charming, as kind as I’m handsome, and heir to a throne?!”

Logos throws an arm out to Autor and sings, “You are everything maidens could wish for!”

“Then why no?” Autor asks.

“Do I know?” Logos sings with a shrug.

“The girl must be mad!” he sings back.

Logos holds his arms out in front of him and looks up with, “You know nothing of madness ‘til you’re climbing her hair, and you see her up there, as you’re nearing her all the while hearing her!”

He vocalizes again, just as operatic as before, and Autor holds up a hand while he tries to catch his breath from singing and laughing.

“Agony!” they both sing.

“Misery!” Autor chokes out, tears of a different kind in his eyes.

“Woe!” Logos adds, who goes it alone on, “Though it’s different for each,” due to Autor composing himself for his next line.

“Always ten steps behind- “ Autor somehow gets out.

“Always ten feet below- “ Logos sings, once again taking a line on his own, “And she’s just out of reach.” He pats his son on the back as they get to the last bit together.

“Agony that can cut like a knife! I must have her to wife!”

“What are you two doing?” A new voice asks.

Both men turn to find Lore has joined them in the kitchen, a bag of groceries in her arms.

“Ah, let me get that for you, Mutti,” Autor says instead of answering, going to take the groceries.

“We were just starting dinner,” Logos says, joining them to give Lore a kiss on the cheek. He looks to Autor a moment, trying to figure out if his son will give him permission to tell Lore about what they’ve discussed. But with the answer unclear for now, he’ll just have to wait.

Oh well. At least he got Autor to laugh.

#it's the fake dating setup again #only much later at this point

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magaprima · 5 years ago

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Part 2 Episode 3 Thoughts (post 3/?)

When we first see the cottage, from Lilith’s point of view, we see that Adam has gone home to literally cover the entire place in romantic lighting, with red candles everywhere, and then there’s all these bouquets of red roses (which he obviously went out and bought after leaving the office), and has put on some romantic-dinner sounding music, he has cleaned and tidied, and basically he has tried to make the place look amazing and romantic for her arrival and, quite frankly, seems to have gone overboard. In other posts, including my previous episode post, I said how I believe Adam suspected Mary had had an affair, and that’s why she looked so different and seemed so surprised and reluctant to see him (it’s a more much likely conclusion than Mary has been killed and this in fact the Mother of Demons who is now pretending to be her). And so he is going overboard in trying to rekindle everything, to make up for being gone so long (he does constantly reference that as if he blames himself for anything that happened due to being away), and to remind ‘Mary’ of their love for each other. Adam is clearly trying to be Mr Romantic and I think, for someone in a long term relationship with him and being a mortal, would see this room of candles and flowers and music and feel very touched, and even swept of her feet.

But we have Lilith. Who walks into this room of romance like a wild cat who is suspicious of the plate of food that has been left out for them. She calls out ‘hello?’ in a way reminiscent of victims in horror movies, and is clearly very much on guard and on edge. She’s keeping to the perimeter of the room, her back against the wall, nervous, wary and suspicious. She looks like she expects Adam to suddenly attack and I think it’s very revealing of all her previous experiences with men. Lilith remembers the first Adam (the man we all presume she’s referring to when she says ‘he was only ever cruel’) and his behaviour and the way he treated her, and we also know her ‘relationship’ with Lucifer is a violent and abusive one, and odds are most men, warlock, mortal or demon, have treated her, or at least tried, to treat her in the same abusive, dismissive way.

I mean Lilith is extremely powerful, she’s strong, she’s commanding, and yet here she is acting hesitant, defensive, all because of the sudden presence of a man being forced into her life. She has all the markers of someone who has experiences emotional, physical or sexual abuse at the hand of a man, and so is immediately like a frightened, guarded animal when dealing with any of them.

She instinctively tries to keep a distance from him, but Adam, both in believing her to be his fiancee, and also trying to rekindle a romance he fears has not grown fonder with distance, just goes over to her with the same over-eagerness he had in decorating the cottage, and kisses her almost...urgently. He seems so nervous and tense, and it all goes to support he fears he’s losing her, so he’s trying his best to remind her of their love, to hopefully win her over again. Like, hi, I love you, I tidied up, I made you dinner, please love me too.

Lilith, obviously, does not reciprocate, but the way she also doesn’t entirely fight back again tells you a lot about her experiences, how, with men, especially First Adam and Lucifer, she has learned not to fight back openly and physically as that always ends up worse. I think her experiences with violent, cruel men are part of the reason why Lilith values the subtle approach so much, because it’s also the tactic that has helped her survive and defeat so much in the past.

“Why don’t you sit down, honey, and...I’ll give you a neckrub?”

The way she suggests this, the ‘pretty wife’ voice she puts on, the expression on her face; this is exactly what she believes all men expect of the women in their lives, because over the thousands of years, that’s all she’s ever experienced herself and seen for herself. And, sure enough, Adam does agree ‘sure, we’ve got a little time to kill’, which, at this point, only proves to Lilith that Adam is just like the rest and therefore definitely needs to be killed off before she does anything else for the night.

The way she says his name, her mouth actually contorts into hate. We saw earlier how horrified she was to discover that his name was Adam, and now we’re seeing the disgust the mere mention of it makes her feel. Her memories of her time with the First Adam in the Garden are so violently horrid to her that she can’t even bear the name.

Also, as she’s massaging him, you can hear she is thinking up a cover story for his sudden disappearance ‘and you’re often out of town travelling’ she declares as she reaches down for the knitting needle she plans to stab him in the neck with. I do love how high she lifts her arm in order to thrust it into his neck, and then he gets up and she just looks so annoyed by this sudden turn of events. She is the embodiment of ‘ffs’ in that moment and I do love it. Especially when she very prettily puts the needle back.

But when Adam says ‘I’ve brought you a gift’, she doesn’t look at him wide-eyed, she doesn’t pretend to be interested, she doesn’t even roll her eyes or sigh or anything; she literally just stares solemnly. Because how often has Lucifer given her ‘gifts’ and how often have they been something that wasn’t a gift at all. Even his gift of returning Stolas to her is tainted (though she doesn’t know that yet) so I imagine it’s not the first time he has used gifts to manipulate her, in the way of, ‘i’ve got you a gift...but you can have it, once you’ve done this task’. And so she doesn’t anticipate this moment with any false excitement or honest boredom. She is just solemn. Because again, this is her learned behaviour from her experiences with men, or more specifically in this case, Lucifer.

And then to her great surprise Adam produces something she, Lilith, actually likes. She’s immediately interested, and it’s as he’s holding up this doll, that Lilith, for the very first time, is the one to close the distance between them. This is the first time we don’t see her pull back from Adam, but in fact go towards him, because, unexpectedly, he is giving her the exact kind of gift she loves. Something ‘disturbing...but also beautiful’.

She’s stood close to him and she takes the gift from him carefully, considerately, and we see the very first marks of something indefinable between them as she looks at this doll, and actually speaks entirely honestly to Adam ‘I must admit...I really love it’. She even looks at him to say it, she makes eye contact, smiles; she’s being open here, and we can physically see that, and we have never seen her be open with anyone else so far. She has known this person five minutes, and already he has done something no one else has; given her a gift she actually loves and without asking something in return. And when Adam replies ‘well I really love you’ and kisses her, she doesn’t tense up or immediately pull back like before. Her eyes do remain open, but as before they were filled with wide eyed surprise and mild horror, now they’re filled with confusion and just a hint of curiosity.

She seems to be lost in that confusion and curiosity when Adam mentions the Sweetheart’s Dance, because she’s all breathless and ‘oh, well, oh, yes’, and I think she is thinking a thousand thoughts right now; primary of them being how the hell does a mortal man turn up suddenly and manage to get her a gift she actually likes? And I do sort of headcanon, that as this is the first little moment between them, their might even be the hints of thoughts and feelings Lilith had instinctively in reaction to all this that she doesn’t quite understand, which is just adding to her confusion.

But then she realises she has a way to escape this entirely weird moment; she has to chaperone the dance. She gives the excuse of ‘I’m afraid I’m chaperoning so...’ like ah dang, guess we can’t have this night together. Because I genuinely don’t think Lilith would know what to do. She either kills him or goes through with the dinner, but killing him isn’t quite as appealing anymore, but going through the dinner means acting like Mary and doing mortal romance things, and she’s not sure she can do that either. So yay, high school dance to the rescue. Only Adam, in more of his romantic efforts, seems to think this is the perfect opportunity for them to spend time together, to dance and talk and take a walk down memory lane.

Lilith’s whole face as she stands there while he walks off, almost looks like Aurora in Sleeping Beauty when she’s told she’s actually a princess; she basically cannot believe what is fucking happening right now. She then turns to look at him and her face is literally ‘are you seriously kidding me? a high school dance is fun??’. Her eyes go back down to the doll, and we see that consideration again but then...she remembers her plans for mass murder, and that is a nice familiar feeling for Lilith, and so we see that old menacing smile. Clearly thinking that murdering half the student body will be a fun way to get her right back on track.

#episode stuff

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zombriekid · 6 years ago

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Attention [Alucard/Gender Neutral Reader]

Series: Hellsing

Summary: while infiltrating a banquet, maintaining the illusion quickly becomes a herculean task when your partner doesn’t want to play by the rules

General 98: “Not sure if you could tell, but I’m not exactly a people person.”

“You didn’t have to be such an ass, ya know...”

“The fact that he even bothered to approach warranted my reaction.”

The man in question is a young twenty-something who obviously comes from a background of wealth, what with his form-fitting refinery being cut from a crushed velvet, the shade a soft yet rich black, and the lapels and other trimmings as glossy as his oxfords. He’s handsome enough in your opinion. There’s a roundness to his jaw left over from adolescence yet there’s a sort of college age maturity around his brown eyes; he’s cradling a coupe of bubbling, golden champagne so he’s gotta at least be of legal drinking age- though you’re willing to bet that laws and other legalities are often bent to accommodate this crowd of greed and privilege.

“He only wanted a dance, though.” You mumble around a sigh.

Your companion’s red eyes slide your way before She merely scoffs in response.

Your vision follows the retreating silhouette of the young man, his head hanging low while his feet drag along the polished tile. The way his eyes tended to wander, or rather appraise as if he were inspecting trade goods and not talking to a person, isn’t lost on you but even still a fraction of your conscience goes out to him. He’s not predatory per say, just... very privileged.

“It’s not like he was being a creep about it.”

The vampire draws in a lungful of breath. “In case you couldn’t tell, revenant, I’m not exactly a people person, and there is no way that that boy ‘only wanted a dance’.”

Now that you can’t necessarily disagree with, however you can’t blame the young man either. See no matter the occasion or situation Alucard always tends to stick out from the crowd, whether it’s the imposing profile He cuts due to His monumental height or the sheer miasmic capacity of His ancient power, either way He never fails to snatch everybody’s eye. Even now, in a form that maintains a traditionally feminine shape, He- or rather She, gotta keep up the illusion after all- is an attention gatherer.

The cashmere of Her dress is such a luxurious burgundy that not only does it look incredibly soft to the touch (not to mention expensive) it also makes the pallor of Her skin milk white; the plunging neckline draws the eye to Her modest bust, and it elongates the length of Her throat, while the skirt smooths out the roundness of Her hips. With long black curls tumbling down the small of Her back and Her lips painted a deep, dark rouge, it’s no wonder if that young man’s intentions were a tad more... intimate than one mere dance.

Heaven knows that your thoughts aren’t exactly chaste right now either.

“Regardless, we shouldn’t draw attention to ourselves,” you glance at Alucard through your peripheral, “and no doubt some of these boujee idiots heard the verbal abuse you just gave to that kid.”

The corner of Her lips curl a fraction, a subtle gesture that you would’ve otherwise missed were it not for the fact that you’ve begun to notice Her body’s involuntary reactions.

“Save your worrying for someone else, revenant. I have no need nor any desire for it.” She growls lowly.

You roll your eyes and hiss under your breath: “I’m not worried about you, asshole! I’m worried about blowing our cover!”

It occurs to you a second too late that maybe your statement wasn’t as quiet as you think when you notice some banquet attenders are staring at the two of you, and not even remotely trying to be discreet about it. The wind is immediately sucked out of your sails, clearing the dryness from your throat with a cough into your fist, and you hope that perhaps it’s the odd, mismatched paring you and Alucard make that’s catching their attention.

It’s just as likely an excuse, after all.

Probably.

A single exhale of air rushes through Her nose and in that moment your passive aggressive ass decides to put all of the blame of the staring entirely on Her and Her way too tight dress.

Then, in the ballroom where a crowd has gathered into a mass of lustrous silk and glittering jewels, the orchestra begins plucking their nylon strings and you become possessed in a moment of brave insanity.

You take a step towards the glistering cacophony and offer Her the crook of your elbow with a polite smirk. She in turn regards you with the slightest of sneers curling Her upper lip, yet another instinctual reaction that you’ve noticed as your partnership marches (more like shambles) on. “May I have this dance, Countess De Ville?”

...yeah, Alucard really should’ve chosen a better alias. It’s a little too on the nose for your comfort.

“We gotta blend in anyways,” you continue with a one-shoulder shrug, “and I promise I won’t try to get fresh.”

She scoffs under Her breath. “Do you know how to dance? Are you even classically trained?”

Nope.

“Mr. Holmward taught me a thing or two.”

Not even a little- well, unless you can include watching the old man waltz with his sweetheart, Mr. Morris, after a glass or two of amber whiskey and imported cigars. Which, to be frank, you actually don’t think that that counts but your pettiness knows no bounds, and you’re more than willing to potentially embarrass yourself just to prove to Alucard that She’s the attention whore here!

In the background you hear the brass section gradually slide in to the crescendo and you level your companion with an arched brow.

“I swear on my granddaddy’s grave that I won’t try anything.”

Perhaps you’ve just uttered the magic word(s) for the shape-shifting vampire straightens Her spine until She towers over you with Her impressive height, thus causing Her shoulders to lay back and Her bust to arch forward, and the grin that slips across Her lips stretches a little too far beyond human limitations.

It’s as She loops Her arm around yours that you realize something, a little factor that you didn’t take into consideration when formulating this revenge-fueled cockamamie plan. Alucard might know how to dance, even classically.

“Very well then.” The “countess” purrs, “your lead, revenant.”

Your mouth suddenly feels dry.

a/u: so i’m not quite ready to jump back into the series just yet i don’t think, but i’m gonna try to fill out other requests until i am. also this ain’t gonna be the last time we see lady alucard cause my useless queer ass will take whatever form he comes in- except for girlycard or any other minor passing form. i picture lady alucard as something of a cross between anjelica huston’s morticia addams and vampira- sultry, dark, alluring, and likes to wear tight dresses; and yer goddamn right she’s a 6′4″ gorgeous forty something year old! like, reblog, and/or comment if you enjoyed this and i’ll catch you cool cats next time!

#hellsing #hellsing alucard #hellsing alucard x reader #hellsing alucard x you #alucard x reader #alucard x you #alucard #hellsing ultimate #hellsing fanfic #hellsing fanfiction #writing #hunter murray

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brooke-the-poet · 5 years ago

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The Fantasy Adventure Trope and Autistics.

Currently I am fascinated with narrative framing. The structure of a story and how that gives us the meanings that we draw from it.

What I have noticed is that neurodivergent consciousness isn't taken into consideration very often. In fact many narratives, especially in children's literature and films have a gaslighting affect when it comes to the experiences of neurodivergent children.

Children who are different are portrayed as having an overactive imagination, big emotions or too reserved, shy, afraid, a little adult, low impulse control, not very social, bullied at school and are ignored by adults.

This jumble of traits pretty much fits most neurodivergents. But just enough so that they are endearing and don't seem "too weird".

Unfortunately many children are thought of in the same vein as the biblical prodigal son. Disabilities and difficulties are seen as trials to be fixed, or to fix "us" as if we need some form of chastising.

That our ways are wrong and we choose to bring difficulty on ourselves by not ignoring the things everyone else ignores and doing what everyone else does.

People expect neurodivergent children to be doormats and when they are shoved into that role they naturally become distressed and hide or rebel.

Such children then go on a magic adventure, where they learn about who they are as a person and then return home better off than when they left, able to cope and function better in their world.

That's a very general idea of the plots of most magic adventures. And there's nothing wrong with that, if indeed that is what is occurring.

But too often it is not. Most of these narratives portray the child as in need of a rude awakening, again with the prodigal image, spoiled, lack of discipline, bad attitude, needing to burn off energy, needing confidence, needing change over all.

And how this occurs is through what is known as exposure therapy. A theorized technique where non-biological anxiety is reduced through exposure to the source of the anxiety.

This does not work on neurodivergents nor many with trauma related conditions. It only serves to burn out energy and destroy our nervous systems and peace of mind if we had any to begin with.

The adventure supposedly leads the child to become used to physical stress, work and decision making. It assumes that the child has had no trauma or stress before this. That their difficulties came from being uncooperative with adults. What it comes down to is that it is the child that needs to change, not their world.

And what that means for the neurodivergent child whose experience of the world can not change through a change in attitude, is that they are made to feel flawed, that unlike the "good" children in those stories, they are bad.

Which leads them to hiding their difficulties and masking. And if they are autistic, the feeling of being nonhuman increases significantly.

*On a side note: Fantasy gives neurodivergent traits to majority non-human characters. I really do enjoy fantasy but the characters I related to most were the non-humans or the villain, and both.

There are a lot of non-human characters that should just have been human. When only "make believe" species have your sensitivity and traits, it makes it very hard for people to take you seriously. That's a whole other article though.*

Back to narrative:

Two examples come to mind. The German novel "The Neverending Story" by Michael Ende and and the Japanese film "Spirited Away" by Hayao Miyazaki.

These were big impact stories, I'm only going to cover 3 items from each.

Someone with more energy can dig in deeper. Also if the plots sound really similar to you, children going off into fantasy worlds and receiving help from dragons, it is because Michael Ende loved Japan and was inspired by Japanese folklore.

His second wife is Japanese and his stories became huge in Japan where he toured and gave lectures and was honoured with his own museum shortly before he passed away.

First, The Never Ending Story.

Yes, the story with Bastian, Atreyu, the child-like empress and my personal favourite, Falcor the luck dragon. Who doesn't love the ending of the film version where he scares the shit out of those bullies as he chases them into the dumpster?

There are a lot of very good things in this story, Bastian fits completely the profile of the neurodivergent child,but for those who have read the book there are some glaring details, and Yes, I know all the other interpretations and cultural symbolism going on.

But I'm looking at these from an autistic perspective, being as personal and literal as possible. Because that is how I viewed them and many others will, as a kid and teenager.

1. Despite Bastian's trauma from school and his mom's death it is up to him to fix his emotionally shut down father.

There's a new term for this, emotional incest. Google that. Emotionally Bastian has a lot going on,he and his father should really be seeing a therapist.

This topic can be controversial as it crosses into many cultural expectations of what a family is and the required roles within a family. There are various levels of toxicity that can occur in parent child relationships that result in anger later on in the child. But a parent relying on a child for emotional support is seen as the most benign.

One could say that is traditionally what children are for. From the outside pushing back at this role looks like "modern selfishness" but the inside reality is that the stress placed on a child who needs support and understanding themselves is damaging. When suppressing growth for a parent, the child does not learn to become an emotionally healthy adult.

For many neurodivergents this can look like carer abuse, infantalisation, a parent guilt tripping for all the work they do for the child. Expecting full loyalty to a parent with punishments imposed for perceived infractions.

Demanding all of a child's time. Not allowing friends, becoming jealous of online friends, hobbies, and anything that takes their attention away from the parent.

Given that as adults many disabled neurodivergents rely on their parents for support, these relationships remain complex and complicated.

2. Spending too much time in your inner world makes you less human.

For those not familiar with the second half of this book, for every wish and fantasy Bastian lives out he loses his memory and humanity. WTH?

As someone who has memory and dissociation issues this really freaked me out and made me question whether or not my dissociation, frequent need to retreat and loss of self at times was due to me being a bad, selfish person like the townspeople in the book.

Autistics and other neurodivergents have rich inner worlds that are just as real as what is going on outside them.

They are a part of this world as nature, and it is there that we often find and preserve our sense of self instead of getting lost in a sea of others.

Without them we would lose ourselves. Our humanity should never be equated with how much we outwardly participate.

3. Bastian wasn't capable of being loved before his journey.

When Bastian loses his humanity he nearly kills Atreyu but is stopped. He repents by working hard in a mountain, as a miner where he loses the last of himself, including his name in order to learn selfless love.

Hard stare. Really? Neurodivergents tend to be born selfless it seems, and we have really hard times creating boundaries for ourselves in how much we will give others and are much too open to manipulation because of it.

In my mind Bastian is already doing far too much emotional labour for a child to sustain and shouldn't be required to have to work on top of that for love to be given him.

More messages towards us about being selfless only harms us and makes us feel guilty for not draining ourselves dry for others.

Reiterating again, that Esoterica and symbolism, metaphors etc...are my special interest, I know what the esoteric symbolism of all this is but most children will not and Will take this aspect literally.

Overall none of his physical issues such as Body positivity, the school and bully situation nor any other issues were addressed. His real fear was part of his "overactive imagination" that he had to overcome.

This gaslights many neurological disabilities and experiences with the world, where synesthesia, sensory processing differences and executive Dysfunction are labelled imaginary and trauma around them is exasperated.

Spirited Away

This is the film that inspired this. Because I loved this. Miyazaki truly knows how to capture the soul of nature.

Some back story about anime you truly need to know before we move on.

If you're autistic, and fan of Anno Hideki creator of Evangelion, also a fellow autistic, who also worked with studio Ghibli, then you probably know what he means when he stated that anime and manga are an inherently autistic medium.

Paraphrasing Anno:

Your goal is to reach out and connect with others deeply and emotionally.

The main way this is achieved is having the emotional interior of people reversed, showing every emotion externally.

In anime all the huge feelings, trauma and anxiety that usually go on inside someone are shown on the outside. This makes it really relatable and easy to connect emotionally to the characters.

Big secret though, non-neurodivergents assume a lot of the emotions are exaggerated and the trials and stages the characters go through are metaphors.

If you are neurodivergent, you know they are not. Many things are literally what is happening to us on the inside, how certain things feel.

I'll give examples when I talk about Spirited Away, but if you are further curious, Google Newtypes from the Mobile Suit Gundam saga and Evangelion.

This unique feature and style, of emotions began in the Tokugawa Era as a form of non-violent rebellion against the imposed socially rigid caste system and militarism of the era that saw creativity as superfluous.

Anything different, mysterious, unknown, imaginative and emotional did not meet the new "social norms" of the shogunate era and were rejected.

Artists and writers, the creative castes, started making woodblock prints of fantasy scenes and stories in a style now known as manga.

They kept Non-linear, neurodivergent thought and ways of being alive during that violent time period when many creators were imprisoned.

Ok, with that on to Spirited Away. I'm going to focus on Autistic masking. Masking plays a huge role in this story.

Briefly, the plot is: 10 year old Chihiro, on the way to her new home is spirited away with her parents. Going against her instincts she follows them into what turns out to be the holiday and pleasure district of the gods.

Her parents eat the god's food, turn into pigs and Chihiro must then sell herself to the onsen ( bath house) in order to work off the debts of her parents and save them.

The main characters that I personally relate with in this piece are Haku, the dragon boy/river god, the Faceless Spirit/Noh Face and the witch Zeneba.

So again, 3 things.

1. Masking, Chihiro is The Mask.

Chihiro, the cool, collected,lovely mixture of innocence and maturity is the mask that many autistic women grew up wearing in order to handle trauma. Be strong, brave and stoic for the sake of others. This is one set of strong messages that the film puts out.

In the bridge scene where Haku and Chihiro, under an invisibility spell, cross the bridge to the bathhouse; in order to cross without being seen Chihiro must hold her breath.

That is what Autistic masking literally feels like, the fear of being seen, caught and punished for who we are and the sharp pain of inhaled breath held, for too long, and slow suffocation.

Chihiro's journey will feel familiar to many young autistics who are learning about themselves and the people around them and how they fit into the social structures here. Chihiro is a foreigner and awkwardly trying to stay out of trouble.

There isn't a structure that fits her. She's scolded and hindered for simply existing in that space not meant for her. But she has a task to complete, so she has to figure out a way to make things work.

Being survival, task and mission oriented is a strong point of being Autistic. It's part of our ability to be perseverant.

It can be so strong that your mind creates different ways of being to hide and protect the most sensitive parts of itself, to protect the parts that are different.

Chihiro's final line in the film is:

"Don't worry, I think I can handle it."

She's resolute in her maintaining a stoic mask, which is implied as part of growing up. This message is toxic to Autistics

For a lot of us Autistics this line recalls childhood trauma and masking. The exact phrase we would say to "make things work" for ourselves. Suppressing our needs in order to appear mature and keep our parents and those around us comfortable.

If the bathhouse is supposed to represent life and the social- economic reality, then it's the same reality so many face, forced to change and pretend they fit into society. This message about masking feels at odds with the "re-discovering your true self" message that we get with Haku.

The river dragon spirit, Haku literally represents what masking your true self can look like. Under Yubaba he loses sense of his true nature, physically grows pale and steely eyed. He isn't conscious of the spell Yubaba has placed in him. Masking isn't conscious to a lot of Autistics either.

As an apprentice Haku carries out orders no matter what the danger is to himself. Putting ourselves in harm's way and being abused without us knowing is an outcome of masking. When masking we are in the position of copying others feeling very much like "apprentice non-autistics".

We want to please in order to survive and feel adequate with others. In the scene when Haku is bleeding to death and Yubaba kicks him into the incinerator to be disposed of, that unfortunately is a real emotional outcome to many abusive relationships built through masking. Relationships fail once we burn out.

In order to show his true nature, Haku actively fights inside himself when helping Chihiro. He plays double agent throughout the film. And then has to be saved from himself by Chihiro.

Do I need to be saved from myself?

Do I seem as cold and distant as Haku?

Am I and my masking setting a bad example, a burden to seemingly purer people like Chihiro who haven't quite learned to mask yet?

These questions flitter and linger for a long time. There's a pang of sadness in them.

It's an extremely complicated issue which is further complicated when navigating personal boundaries and what is felt to be personally owed to others, it changes with each situation.

During the train scene when Chihiro is given time to process her predicament you can literally see her mentally forming her mask, the mask that's prepared to take responsibility for others mistakes.

It's the same mask we create to carry the burden of being social and appropriate when no one else is, the mask that self blames and takes up energy. Chihiro takes responsibility for everything.

There is again that message of sacrificing your well being for others that is pushed. She is the only one actively trying to save both her parents and Haku.

Being a heroine doesn't have to be about saving others, or being responsible for them, especially when they are capable of finding their own solutions. There are so many different ways to show love and support.

It isn't about being selfish and just taking care of yourself, for many Autistics and those with multiple disabilities, caring for others in this manner isn't an option but feeling guilty for not doing this is a constant to many.

Who this message is being directed to, needs to change. It should not be directed at vulnerable girls or any children who will worry and have anxiety about themselves.

The reality of many situations where change is needed from someone in authority, parent or any other institution is that it fails to occur. Children or other exploited parties are made responsible for that failure.

If an Autistic fails to fit in, it's never societies fault, the burden of change and guilt is always put on the autistic. And in order to shoulder it, masking occurs. How long is she going to be able to keep up that tough girl facade?

2. Home

In the opening of the film Chihiro is upset at what would honestly be devastating for someone who relies on "their world" to make sense of who they are. Moving, no home to return to. This concept literally is played out with Haku and Noh Face.

Haku's river is destroyed, because of this he loses his identity and falls prey to those who would enslave him. An identity that changes with physical environment is common. Some autistics, like myself, unconsciously build an identity or mask that fits specifically to our environment.

Environment becomes routine along with all of the sensory stimulus and sensitivity, our bodies physically bond to what is comfortable to us. And when that changes, so does a whole persona or personality mask.

When it is an unexpected and forced change, it is traumatizing. In my own experience, I've moved 10 times in a single year at the age of 14. Only 4 years older than Chihiro.

That caused a shutdown that I'm still experiencing the effects of 20 years later. Losing those connections is never a matter of letting go and moving on. They are grieved and must be processed at length.

On the way out of the forest Chihiro's father notices how quiet she is, both parents finally are paying attention to the emotional reality of their child. If they had listened and paid attention to her intuition, warnings and signs of trauma, in the beginning, their predicament would not have occurred. They might not have even moved in the first place.

"A new home and school, it is a bit scary," her father says. To which Chihiro replies that she can now handle it.

Chihiro, suppressing her original concern and the trauma of her experience, now gaslights herself, after she's gone through the process of learning how to perform emotional and mental labour for others through masking as an act of love.

An act of love, that's how mainstream society positions suppressing the needs of the disabled. You're told if you love your parents, your family, don't cause problems, don't cause trouble.

Oh, your having trouble at school, at work, at home? Disabilities are framed as trouble in this manner, the same way one speaks of a misdemeanor or crime. It subtlety shifts feelings of fault and blame onto the disabled. When it comes to Autistics the way we understand our self and our experience of the environment is often blamed as the cause of troubles.

For us the Non-autistic world is assaulting both physically and emotionally. It's a mess of social and psychological mind games and head traps that make us chronically ill. We have to create our own environments to dwell and recover in each night.

For a large proportion of us, we experience time and space Non-linearly. Which means events are not chronological, they don't neatly line up in our minds.

Our experience of the world is like the concepts of Ukiyo and Yugen. Transience, ethereal and profound depth of feeling. Events, people, places float in and out with moments of deep joy and sadness to help us make sense of time.

Miyazaki makes full use of this narrative tradition in his storytelling with vast spaces and characters who on the surface are only loosely associated with each other yet deeply connected.

In our world connection is not linear, nor emotions. Associative thinking leads us to make broad connections in ways that branch out and lead us to discoveries that seem impossible or were unknown to many because the right associations couldn't be made in their linear minds.

Non-linear emotions mean that we don't process events as they happen. It's too much to take in, emotions float in us, incubating until they are ready to be understood. The moment this happens is usually triggered by seemingly unconnected events but to which our minds have made connections to, enough to bring us to full circle. Different mental processing times mean reactions and effects come later, long after expected.

3. Noh face. Portraying other as grotesque.

The best for last.

Noh face as in the Noh theatre, because the mask they wear, delights and troubles in it's accurate yet disturbing qualities. The spirit does not speak except to make pleading utterances. The faceless spirit is sad, mysterious, interesting,terrifying and revolting all at once.

When it is invited into the bathhouse it begins to eat several of the workers and gains the ability to speak and their personality traits.

It is one of the most grotesque and extreme moments in the film. It can make you squirm. But it's also the most literal example of what it can be like to mask.

There is a certain type of masking that occurs for autistics who also experience dissociation, derealisation and depersonalisation.

It's the least understood and most vital to understand; this is how the brain involuntarily forces command or auto-pilot, for survival in situations it deems life threatening.

When around other people these autistics physically feel themselves absorb the energy, the personalities, emotions and desires of other people, so much so that it overwhelms their mind/ soul, their identity and sense of who they are.

They can lose track of where they are and what they say and do ; literally becoming "drunk" on other people, acting erratically or hyper with a loss of inhibition.

They may do and say things they wouldn't have before and never would alone, when caught in the energy of the crowd or moment. And often they can't quite remember what occurred until afterwards. It's an uncomfortable and frightening experience to not be in control, to feel like a slave to others wills .

With this type of masking the autistic may be aware of it or might not be, but they are not in control of when it happens or with who. It occurs on a daily basis this absorption of personas and others traits. It's chaotic inside, an ever changing kaleidoscope of thoughts and feelings that are almost never your own.

Physically, after socialising, especially if it's from a party, when this type of autistic is alone, people hangover sets in.

People hangovers, even though I don't drink that's the best definition I have of it, you feel ill enough that you vomit; as you would expect with all of this swirling chaos.

The only way to end it is to sleep it off as you psychologically purge all the fragments of others out. This is another physical sensation as you feel yourself emptying and regaining control. This process can feel like being scrubbed raw, internally.

This masking isn't done out of "loneliness" as is the reason given by the Noh Face. But having no one to understand and going through this alone, does build up and can increase the feelings of desperation to have a stable self.

In the scene when Chihiro gives the Noh face the expectorant, and they vomit just as Haku did, as all the people they consumed left, they returned to their original small form, no longer able to speak.

Chihiro, in that scene is the only one with boundaries, she masks her fear and listens, using her knowledge to give the Noh Face what they really need. She presents a kind, calm and stable force that counters chaos.

It's no wonder the Noh Face wants to absorb her. She's the ultimate mask that it can then have to feel whole and interact with others finally.

But it still would not be their own.

On a side note, it is for this very reason that Noh Face is finally paired with the witch Zaneba, whose line "hmmm, what else can we mess with?" is my favourite. Zaneba sees the structure of the bathhouse and wants to disrupt it.

Due to the chaos occurring inside these type of autistics, instead of trying to order life in a structured or "tidy" way, they impose chaos externally. As long as it is their chaos, this ordered chaos approach is effective in coping with life.

Roles, duties and tasks bring about more structure than superficial order as in the bathhouse. If there's a specific function and purpose that is clear, it makes it easier to not mask, which is why the noh face is able to remain calm.

At the end of the day Zaneba and Noh Face retreat to their quiet home, where function and roles are simple. Personally that's where I'd like to stay, if I were Chihiro I wouldn't have returned.

That's a final point, the "fantasy" world is always made out to be lesser than our shared reality. But is it really? Our inner worlds are what make it possible to survive in the outer world. It's where we process and draw strength to combat the hostility we encounter daily.

They aren't something you abandon in childhood, but a necessary life skill that develops further with age. The fantasy retreat is vital for rest and reclamation of self from society. Not something to be left behind.

So there you have it. My rough autistic sense on what messages an autistic/neurodivergent might take away from popular story narratives and elements in children's fiction and film.

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