#but im probably confusing it for something else
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What's Toya thinking about today?
Looks very yummy!!
#what's toya thinking about today?#project sekai#hatsune miku colorful stage#prosekai#prsk#prsekai#prosekaiuwu#toya aoyagi#aoyagi toya#meiko#street sekai meiko#i swear i did this one before#like i have somewhat of a memory of doing it#but im probably confusing it for something else#not like i was gonna avoid repeats#but still
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tie tying doodles w ramblings on it in tags
#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#angela lobcorp#benjamin lobcorp#lobotomy corp spoilers#technically? never sure what and what not to tag#its cute.. the idea of benjamin showing her how to tie it. someone else probably dressed her in the first place before she woke up so she#likely didnt know how before. and you know ayin's ass isnt going to do that. besides the tie is reminiscent to benjamin as well#small doodle. wanted to do more i might depending on if i get motivated but her perception would allow her to process it and probably to it#first try. would there be pride? the pride she was able to pick up on such a thing quickly? a promise for later on down the line she would#be able to adapt? perhaps a hope? along with maybe a pride on angelas end for being able to do so. a small joy of able to do it first try.#even if her slower perception granted her a privilege humans didnt. it wasnt so sore of a thing at the moment. the wounds of time and pains#werent as of a all encompasing torrent as the hell she would he sprung into would be. the small joy or pride when she tied it later knowing#the reaction and knowing she got it first try. how capable she was. then for it to fade into monotony and a motion to do. a void of what#used to be there. no one to see and only to remember only to ever remember when she sees the tie that had been so strikingly like his#its like.. the feeling when you were so excited about something maybe you think of being a little silly later. but then it becomes so gutted#and devoid of what used to be there new memories maybe soiling the past experience. only to be left with what a void that you knew had been#filled with a positive light. its not there anymore. 'first try?' what a joke. were now on a try of countless repeats that have lost all#meaning and any ability to even ascribe meaning to.#anyways its only short doodles because im trying to find it in me to make a carmy angela piece and a yesod one rn. little scuffed but i#wanted to draw benj of men and angie#... at least i think she woke up clothed. no damn clue . would make most sense for her to be#it would be a little tortuous if she wasnt. either ayin doing it himself filled with rage and what was created with his own hands that#could never even begin to contain her warm but a mimicry and mockery done by his own two hands#then having to get close and even speak. or order or look at. but if it was in that situation benjamin wouldve done it actually with ayin#just staring through the glass not very respondent as benjamin has to help her into something or tell her what to do. having the man he#followed and was faithful to just... standing there and silent as he tries to help someone confused and only just beginning to become#concious open their eyes for the first time. all in all she was likely clothed before hand. still a bit disconcerting. not even awake or#begining to think at that point all but a body but not even one of flesh but one mechanical and man made - a Doll. given aspects and clothes#benjamin likely gave her a tie at that moment there if she were to be clothed. maybe a small marking of work or pass down?
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is anybody else, like, disappointed about cassandra's introduction in season 3? forgive me if im missing something but in s2 cassandra went by they/them and was written and implied to be nonbinary, only for them to retcon that in the next season.
like dont get me wrong its their character and they can write them however they choose but still... it kinda sucks :(
#d20#dimension 20#d20 fhjy#fantasy high#cassandra fantasy high#cassandra fhjy#rambles#i cant be the only one right ?????????#like. u cant have a character go “im neither the old goddess nor the nightmare king anymore. im something in between. like neither of them”#and then go “oh theyre cis actually”#like. they can do that. but i dont like that they did that#i feel like im missing something but the more likely scenario to me is just that#it had been years since they finished s2 and probably just forgot#so from my perspective i remembered that fact bc ive been binging the series lately & didnt have to wait years#im not crazy right. does anybody else remember that#ive had this drafted for a little bit and im scared to post it bc i dont want people to be mad at me but like#im still thinking about this. euughhh#no spoilers for junior year pls i am not finished with it yet#i find it more confusing than anything. why'd they do that
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people just ignore Thor was a feral child, huh? like his life goal was probably to demolish another race at age 12 and he was probably begging to go to war and attempted to murder their father for not letting him via telepathy that he didn't have.
#people are like ''loki stabbed thor at age 8'' like im sorry but thor is older and im pretty sure he would've given loki the knife#Frigga was probably like ohhh you can wage war when your brother is old enough to go with you. can't let you two go alone!#and Thor naturally was like ''ok. i will Arm the Child''#like for SURE Thor was the kid eating dirt while Loki just sat next to him looking very confused about it#Thor: Father said we are Part of Asgard and need to Eat To Grow and then one day will be Big Enough to Fight !#he tries to feed Loki the dirt so he'll grow up quicker too but Loki starts crying and now Thor's forgotten about it and trying to calm him#Thor like no no don't cry i'll find us something else to get big with :(#carries him away and gets dirt all over them both because his hands were still dirty#fast forward the bros are sitting on the ground under a table monching on lemon cakes (or whatever) absolutely COVERED in dirt#they have left a dirt trail behind them so their hiding spot won't be effective for long#and also Thor doesn't think voices should get across what is clearly a sturdy table cloth so he's not sure how they were 'discovered'#Frigga: you cannot get dirty and go in the kitchens#Thor: LOKI WAS SAD. AND WE NEED SUSTAINENCE TO GROW MOTHER. WE MUST FEED.#Frigga: -_-''#(Loki is still munching on a lemon tart. the same one despite the room change because he's eating it slowly while Thor reasons with Frigga)#(half of the words anyone is saying go over his head but he is enjoying the expressions being made)
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girlbossed too hard.... unless...
#like a lot of stuff about kh. one thing being its sprawling plot. love it all fitting together like that#anyway wanted to write a story like that. here i am with my ocs. and now im worried ive made it too confusing#1. maybe it's just because I haven't finished fixing plot holes? 2. maybe it's bc im not telling it in the right order? (random comics)#3. maybe it's because I assume ppl know more than they probably remember? 4. maybe im bad at explaining it?#anyway I talk to ppl about it and they're like ???? about things so now im like hm. i done messed up#problem is. it all makes perfect sense in my head#nomura is this how you felt? is this just the consequences of my actions??#anyway rip me. doomed to pain and suffering since the days of my youth#wanna get better at talking and expressing things but ACK. so hard!!!!#august rambles#text#you may be thinking huh?? you're expressing something rn. and yes. you see. my disease is so annoying. it is not consistent#sometimes I think about it enough i think about ways to talk about it. sometimes I think about it enough and it soaks into my life so...#someone else goes 'hey whats that?' and i go 'oh tiny info about it' as if secretly the person knew everything else because uh#i thought about it so hard. it must be common knowledge??? i don't know things other people don't??#anyway screaming crying i feel like I'm not expressing this right. doomed.
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sometimes I think about writing and singing music not because I’m an incredible singer but because no one has my fucking voice, especially in popular music, and its disheartening to be born a girl, told you’ll only get girl roles or try to voice match other girls, or ‘sing with the girls’ and then only be able to match male voices because you’re a fuckin tenor and not anything higher. I can’t think of any girl Broadway roles I can hit all the notes on. Most songs I love I have to pitch down for myself or use falsetto for singing along to. It bothers me a lot less now because I’m an adult who’s more secure in myself but as a teen in kids musical theatre it FUCKED with me, BAD style. And I know for a fact that even now when I hear people with a voice like mine singing I get excited and immediately invested in their work because they’re like ME, finally, for once. A brother in this world of being afab and having the voice of a recently pubescent boy forever. Maybe I should be that brother too.
#Using randomly gendered words because that’s me now but hey#Regardless of if you were born afab and are a girl 100% or if you were born afab and are someone else#It STILL sucks to always be grouped along with ‘girls’ just because of your voice and realize#You CANT hit that. You can’t hit the mark for ‘girl’. You’ll never achieve that without like. Hrt#Just say THE VOCAL CLASS. Like. Sopranos sing with this. Tenors with this. Bass with this. Etc#Then it doesn’t hurt! But nooo instead they’re looking or ‘sing with the other girls’ and you fucking can’t#And it gives you a crisis at age 14#Anyway all I know is when other people who were assigned female at birth and aren’t on something they changes ones voice#and just happen to have born with the same deep ass voice as me. It makes me proud to hear them use it#Because not enough people do. It’s like we’re all collectively embarrassed or something#I see so many sad posts from teenagers posting their dream roles and the reason they won’t get it is ‘girl’#and it’s like. I remember being that kid. Never able to get a female lead because of my voice. Never able to get a male lead because of gir#Even though my voice and appearance could easily swing male. Nope! You’re GIRL. So you’re doomed to background forever :)#I got 1 lead role and it was when I was at my most feminine and was also for a villain that was a fat hag#I LOOOOVED playing her im aunt sponge forever. BUT. Never getting one again after that… showed me. Something#More gender blind casting and more songs just written for tenors please#doing just ONE of those things would probably solve the issue#But both please because I’m greedy and I want what I couldn’t have for every kid today#(And also me in the future in adult community theatre. Haven’t had time/too intimidated so far but I WILL go back)#And before anyone questions the language on this post. I STRUGGLED with how to word it#TERFs begone. I love trans people. I am nonbinary and some form of intersex (pcos).#I just word it this way because of like. Where we all start#Whether we stay GIRL girls or realize we’re somewhere in between. It crushes us either way to have the ‘wrong’ voice to do anything#Because it did me at first. And I’m otherwise GLAD to be confusing#I’ve come to love my deep voice it baffles others and they never know what to call me it really helps the whole ‘what am I’ presentation#But. In terms of certain things. Like being in theatre in the deep south#It certainly does not help and can be disheartening#Especially back when I was younger and more self conscious#lion’s lair
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Does anyone else have this thing where, when you like a thing, you don't want to try something else because what if you start liking new thing more than this current thing? And you don't want to like something more than the current thing because you really like the current thing
#this might sounds confusing#basically: i like community a lot. im scared to check out a new show in fear that I'll like it and might sort of forget about community#not really forget but i wont like it as much#and I'll change to liking something else more#does that make sense?#this is probably a weird fear to have but idk how else to describe it
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another thing abt me is that i get so embarrassed by the natural process of like... saying something and having someone reply with their own opinion that does alter my own and then i feel 1. like a humiliated moron, and 2. like a hypocrit for changing my stance even though that's literally. a normal thing to do when given information or a point of view you did not have/consider previously
#transmission#also the thing i mentioned about how i hold back my own opinions until someone else affirms im not wrong#makes me feel so stupid bc it probably looks like i NEVER use my brain or something like im not all knowing but i do#im just confused and scared sometimes my mind is going 500mph and sometimes its empty#and words are hard but also i ramble#i am complicated#also i can be bad at translating what i think into what comes out of my mouth. and i say it way worse and ppl misinterpret me#im clawing biting
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man fuck it im gonna start doin wip wednesdays here
Summer is sweet and endless and she has nothing to do but look at me. She's looking at me now, through the sun's glare on her mirror. She shadows the shapes of my mouth, but doesn't put her voice to my words.
My parents are worried about Grace. They think something's wrong with her - I know what it is. Grace knows, too, looking at me, looking through the glare in the mirror. Everything about her is wrong. I could fix her, if she would let me.
Solid, measured knocks. "Gracie?"
"Yeah?" She pulls her braids back to look at her shoulders uncovered. The angle of her jaw. She is trying to see how it matches up to mine.
"Your mother and I are going to go to the mall. Do you want to come?"
I've never been a fan of the sweltering heat of a cracked-asphalt parking lot, nor the chill on my skin in a Macy's. Grace says, "Okay." But she only said that so that she can look away from me. She is a fool. I can be found in anything that can reflect. I watch her in the windows, in silver lockets, in the mirrors she models new boots in. She parades about like a wind-up toy, a ballerina in a music box. Her mother hands her new skirts for the new school year, button-up blouses, low-cut but not whorish, and modest stockings.
The dressing rooms are hidden in the corner, neatly separated by two icons of triangles - one upside and one downside. I follow her to the wrong one, the wrong stall. It's cramped and ill-fitting, somewhat like a body. Grace tries her best to avoid me still. It's a valiant effort, I'll give her that much. But at some point, in a few minutes, maybe, she'll have to turn around and face me.
Grace takes off her tanktop like the accused pushing off concrete slabs. She hisses with impatience at the clasp of her bra and its stubborn claws in her skin, throws it on the bench with more violence than is necessary. Branded into her back it remains, aching, smoking. Cramped and ill-fitting. She itches at it like the fabric is stuck in her, like it still remains subcutaneously and she could pull it away finally, permanently, if she also removed the skin. Her nails are well cared for, and so, won't do the job. I smile at the sound of her bent elbows.
Her pants go too, her keys squeezing free of the claustrophobic pockets and diving with raucous applause to the floor. Her phone is in her purse, because the back pockets are only decorative. Grace doesn't curse. Her words are never ugly. Instead, her lips bend into the shape of: "shit", and then she bends and picks up the keyring. It is unadorned. Why should it be anything else? A key only has one purpose.
For a moment we stand there together, Grace's back to me, my back not quite to hers. She is hesitating, stretching out the moment between one set of clothes and the next. The blouse is slippery and coarse in texture, sends spider legs running over her back. The skirt is of good quality, but takes up in the back, so she is afraid to bend. No pockets.
I ask her if I can see it. She stares at the off-white wall in silence, and then she turns.
"Oh, no, Gracie. That won't do at all." I tell her. "That thing isn't even fit to be a tablecloth. It's see-through, it's itchy on my ribs. It's pushing my skin too close to my bones, the points of my ribs poking at my lungs. It's like a coffin leaking air, sighing its way into the ground."
Her breath hitches. "I don't know what's wrong with me." She's saying to herself, to the mirror, to me. I make a sound - in my mouth it is sympathetic, but in hers it is animal, pained, cornered.
#the erm#well i already have all of my future changes planned out but might as well talk about it here#the introduction to this scene needs to be a bit more involved or like.#ren calls it cinematic lol#wip wednesday#UHHH#writeblr#writeblogging#the next part that im working on today will be the reflection giving her different clothes to try on#i dont know whether to lean harder into the dysphoria in like a 'i just look like a girl in mens clothes' or into a euphoric way#i can probably figure out a way to do both?#like... if grace is like I hate this and the reflection goes But look#here is potential for something else#the more i write it the more im confident its like#clear enough so as not to be confusing#like even if u dont get the intended meaning youd probably come away with Something#i havent had many people read any of this yet tho#since im not in a creative writing group anymore i dont have a lot of people To show#maybe theres something like that that meets up at my library#or maybe i could start something?#idk how youd even like. advertise for that...#i dont actually think this is long enough to warrant a readmore but i thought it would be polite still#i guess technically this is transgender but its not like#its prose lol#oh this is a short story im intending to submit to a lit magazine when its finished#id liketo find specifically a queer one#ive been trying to make a lil personal website on neocities to host my original stuff too so ill probably put this there when its done#sniffs#🕷❣#TRYING NOT TO BE NEGATIVE I CAN WRITE! THIS IS A SECOND PASS BUT ITS STILL GOOD AND WORTH SHARING
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emesis blue 2fort community map: i want it so bad lmao
#with the atmosphere and mid-match bridge collapse#im catching up and this rules so much holy fuck#my meme-poisoned brain finds more kinda funny than whats probably intended but my god. oh my god#something in me keeps getting vaguely reminded of like ANCIENT old tf2 fanfics that used a similar idea regarding respawn??#like i think im probs confusing multiple slightly different horror fics into one amalgamation but my god its making me nostalgic lol#who else remembers them old fics quarantined almost exclusively to tf2chan
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tristamp s2 confirmed AND timeskip p much confirmed ??? if im readin mutos tweet on twt right & timeskip (n tristamp s1 at least being like... kind of a prequel?? Idk what else to call it) is confirmed everything abt s1 will finally make a little more sense to me lmao.
#i am now fully and 100% convinced the pacing was fucking insanely fast bc they just wanted to get all of the set up out of the way for the#timeskip. which unfortunately affected my investment but knowinf it was probably intentional to build up to smthn gives me a lil more hope#for this series... some changes still make absolutely 0 sense to me (even just the concept of a prequel esque route for trigun in GENERAL#confuses me bc it just rlly doesnt seem like something that works for it but! we'll see!) but ill continue to just. try my best 2 b open#i just PRAY AND HOPE this means vash will finally fucking get literally any character since theyre def gonna b having him#develop more into his og self. like they HAVE to be what else would they b doin wit him. if they continue to make him so one-note after s1#idk what ill do lol#im still just skeptical on him as a whole bc it feels like theyve Already Missed So Much for him but. ILL HOLD OUT HOPE FOR NOW!!!
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need anyone attempting to have a verbal conversation with me to go ahead and brace themselves for a full five minute wait after their opener for me to figure out Anything to say in response <3
#N posts stuff#i can string along some uh-huhs and affable laughs to fill the space while people talk at me#but it’s never until i’m fully extricated from the convo and completely somewhere else#that im able to come up with actual Things to say that would allow the convo to last longer. oops#on a marginally related conversational note i’m considering trying to be more up front about asking questions when i’m confused#coworker was helping me with something but hadn’t looked up from her computer to see that it was Me until a handful of moments in#but when she looked up and recognized me she said ‘sorry’ and i didn’t get why but i didn’t ask#but then after i was like ‘well i could have just asked; even if she’d just said it on autopilot she probably wouldn’t have minded’ so#idk something to consider. i’ve gotten better at admitting to being confused bc work is a crossroads of ‘i Need to understand’ and like#‘i’m not getting paid enough to try overly hard to figure it out on my own so’ but Conversationally it’s harder. even if it’s obvious anyway#funny enough i was thinking about cadeuceus lol i was like ‘he’d probably ask and fans probably thought it was a sweet character trait’
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genuinely have no idea what this means but we ball
#hilarious to me that kaneda is the protag but like.#he's been missing for almost 2 whole volumes iirc#bro took a hiatus#but yeah srsly im so confused#like sol fired yeah. and ofc kaneda survived but he wasn't. there#he was in a different world or smth. not the one everyone else was on#now obviously tetsuo did this and he didn't do it knowingly but im like#what happened#did he just instinctively send kaneda to the shadow realm??#im pretty sure this has something to do with that time in like. vol 1 i think#when kaneda appeared to himself and kei looking like he was on fire or smth#it'll probably get explained later so wtv#so once tetsuo reached this point after quitting his drugs he was able to. access? that world?#but i really don't understand why kaneda was the only one or how tetsuo didn't know#like he's been thinking about kaneda and he was yelling at akira for being in his head#during those flashbacks#but he doesn't know what happened to kaneda like. did he think he was dead this whole time too?#i just dk bro#akira
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I SORT OF CAME OUT TO MY FRIEND BY SAYING "I've been questioning my gender since like fourth grade lol" and they were supportive ofc though I haven't really opened up fully or asked them to refer to me with different name or pronouns and tbh I still feel awkward about doing anything like that so maybe after some thinking I'll do it at the beginning of 2025
#cisposting#im fine w being referred to w the pronouns they currently do ofc since im trigender (or bigender? im not sure anymore) but itd be nice if a#person i was close to uses other pronouns too cuz the only time i get called anything else is bc of confused strangers#either way i might start voice training though im bad at following guides by myself so I'm probably doing something wrong....#whatever
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okay finally colored this!
idk what the sites color theme will be, so the colors will most definitely change but for now we have a logo (ft. my oc A)
#u can just tell the type of fictional guys im into by looking at A for three seconds#tho i will try to make a variety of guys to collect and not all cutieful ones haha#i didnt feel like coding yesterday#i was locked in drawing for a comic#so i decided to hse some of that energy here#anywas coding wise!#i did a lot of research the last few days#cause i learned about frameworks#and i was like well shit#am i supposed to use them to make my website instead of doing it purely in html css and java?#and then i learned that u need to get comfortable with html css and javascript to use frameworks with little confusion#so sticking with the old fashion way#if the site gets very complicated in the far future#i might transition to frameworks#tho ik using frameworks can make websites slower oof#i went on neopets a few days back and i was shocked at how modern it looked#but god was it laggy#would like to avoid that#but yea#i will hopefully get back into coding this upcoming week#im like locked in for something else rn but ill probably have days where i dont wanna draw#boyfriend rally#web development#artists on tumblr#art#wip
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name change. sorta.
heeyyyoooo. um.. so if any of y'all follow me anywhere else, you might have noticed that i switched up my username. and it's something i had debated on doing here with this blog as well, but realized i have way too many custom tags and i'm nowhere in the mood to go through and change every single one and update links. so this blog will keep the chidoroki name. it's just everywhere else that'll be different. such as...
twitter | youtube | twitch
(don't be fooled, i don't use the latter to stream, just to chat.)
i ramble a bit in the tags about why the "sudden" change amongst other things but.. HSR has taken over my life. so you can also find me here and here if you so desire.
feel free to check out any of those places. it kinda varies where i'm more active these days but this blog will still run as it normally would being anime & manga focused. i may reblog a couple edits from the revs sideblog to here just to have those i really enjoy all in one place but certainly not everything.
(and not that anyone is wondering about the new name if one has bothered to even check, but it's them. each one is so dear to me and i love them. that's all for now.)
#talking to myself#to be completely honest i havent been fond of this name in years. probably ever since i started tpn and it became the fandom#i was most involved in& yet no matter how hard i tried i could never come up with a name to reflect my love for the series that really#stuck with me so i gave up trying. yea chidori will remain my favorite jutsu and i still enjoy todoroki as a character but i havent been#real big on the naruto or bnha series in years and my excitement for both dwindled quickly as many other series took over. but#y'all..you wouldnt believe the grip hsr has on my heart soul and mind for the past six months. dare i say it's as strong as tpn was when#i first started it. you know very well i can and would ramble on about it if prompted but this isnt the place for that..hence why another#blog exists. though i dont do much aside from fangirl in the tags but yeah. sorry as a side note that i havent done much on this blog#lately. even missing the chance to create a mother's day edit for isabella. apologies queen but that's how you know im so far#deep into something else. anyways.. i hope everyone is doing well. & sorry again for any confusion this switch up has caused.
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