#cause i learned about frameworks

[bf-rally]

okay finally colored this!

idk what the sites color theme will be, so the colors will most definitely change but for now we have a logo (ft. my oc A)

[neverendingford]

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[floorpancakes]

i refuse to let clamp off the hook for underutilising himawari's fucking fascinating character setup and traits but on a less serious level im obsessed with the concept of her as an instigator of chaos.

like she's way less airheaded than she seems and it doesn't come off like Default Airhead Girl Behaviour or even Default Girl Companion That Ships Her Friends primarily (like not as hard as some other series by comparison I mean she's very I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE by default) specifically she just seems like someone that thoroughly enjoys being a little shit in a sincere way and giggling at her dumbass friends and has a shade of high emotional intelligence about it all. like she's just girl of all time. she's i don't know where im going with this just take this low effort meme from when i watched the holic stage play on youtube this isn't a coherent thought it's like 2am ill come up with better thoughts later

[fictionadventurer]

For all the talk about bad Christian fiction, I've seen several different ways that Christianity can be well-integrated into the story.

The story is about something unrelated to Christianity, but the characters are Christian and their faith affects their outlook and daily life. I recently stumbled across Wormwood Abbey by Christina Baehr, which is a light, fairly forgettable cozy fantasy that happens to do this really well. The story is about a woman who learns that dragons exist around her family's estate, but as the daughter of a rector, she often mentions prayer, sings religious songs, or thinks of Bible verses that relate to things she experiences. The Christianity feels organic to the character, and thus enhances the story rather than distracting from it.

The world is a Christian world where Christian beliefs are shown to be the correct framework through which to view the world. This happens in good Christian fantasy, like Lewis and Tolkien, but there are plenty of real-world stories where the themes line up with Christian truths, and this can make a story Christian whether or not religion is explicitly practiced by characters within the story.

The characters wrestle with how to apply their faith in their daily lives. Regina Doman's Fairy Tale Novels often feature this, as the characters struggle to deal with plot problems while living out their faith. Amy Lynn Green's work often features this as well--characters hold certain values (like, for instance, a Quaker pacifist) and have to figure out how they apply or don't apply to specific situations, especially when they conflict with other values, or they have to figure out how to live out their values (such as forgiveness) in moments where it seems impossible or even ill-advised. Charlotte Yonge's best works (specifically, what I've read of The Three Brides) do this as well--instead of preaching the one right answer, you have characters trying to figure out what the best answer is as they figure out what's right or wrong in this specific situation.

Characters face the revelation that there's a spiritual world that exists beyond our ordinary world, which can cause terror, but also provide comfort and hope. Elizabeth Goudge's novels often exist in this space, with very internal stories of characters coming to embrace the truths that come with living in a spiritual world. To a lesser extent, I'd say Amanda Dykes' work often fits here, with characters ultimately find comfort and hope from philosophies that line up with Christian truth. In less-cozy works, there's also the possibility of stories where an entirely secular person encounters God and has to figure out what that means for their life.

So our options are Christianity as character, Christianity as setting, Christianity as theme, or Christianity as plot. The ways this is integrated most seamlessly is when Christianity (or the ways they struggle with it) is a vital part of the character, so the plot that arises from it lines up with a Christian worldview. It also works well for the characters to just exist within a world where Christian truths are the way the world works. It doesn't even necessarily require the characters to be explicitly religious. Truth is something that everyone is searching for, and stories that honestly showcase truth or the search for it are going to resonate with a wide audience, even if they aren't Christian themselves.

[daiziesssart]

a humiliatingly long character analysis of lily evans

Someone sent me an ask that briefly mentioned how misunderstood Lily is, and before I knew it I was typing out this monster. I am. sorry. This is literally just me rambling about her, what I find compelling about her character, and why her character is so often misunderstood.

This is long as hell so I'm putting it under a read more lolol

Part of the reason I like Lily so much (other than my being ginger and projecting onto any redheaded female character I see) is that even though she isn’t explored as much as her other Marauders Era counterparts, we know enough about her to start building the framework for her character. And what I see is a girl who was incredibly interesting, kind, and flawed.

One thing I always think about in regards to Lily is that she was dealt with a pretty unfair hand. As soon as she receives her letter, she’s basically torn between two worlds, both of which have been less than welcome to her. On one hand, we have the muggle world that she’s known all her life, but once she starts integrating into the wizarding world, she likely feels a bit of a disconnect with that world. To twist the knife further, her sister- whom she loved dearly and grew up so close with- starts outwardly resenting her with such unbridled hostility that they likely couldn’t even be in a room alone together without major conflict. 

On the other hand, we have the wizarding world– a world she’s not as familiar with and one she soon learns holds a demographic of people who hate everything she is and would rather see her excommunicated or even dead. And even though finding out you’re a witch/wizard is probably such an exciting and life-changing moment, I can’t help but also take note of the difficulties, especially if you’re the only one in your family with magic. You’re essentially uprooted from the only way of life you’ve known at an already complicated age, and now you have to quickly become acclimated to this new world that you only just found out existed. Not only that, but now you’re suddenly attending a school with classes that are primarily focused on this world of magic (which is still brand new to you), and you have to work extra hard to play catch up in order to do well. Like, that all seems like… a lot for a kid to handle.

And then I remember how young she was when she was thrown into that mess. She was only 11, and kids that age desperately crave any sense of belonging. I mean, that’s something that still holds true for adults, but it’s especially critical for a developing child. So imagine Lily, ages 11-15, struggling to stay afloat in this weird purgatory between these two parts of herself, both of which have been the cause for major and traumatic experiences relating to rejection in her life.

(I say it was the “cause” even though it’s obvious that those things were never her fault at all, but when you’re a young kid navigating the world, the only thing you’re able to process is that the common denominator is you, therefore you’re the one who must shoulder the blame.)

So now we have this tween-teenaged girl who has a dysfunctional relationship with two major parts of identity and probably feels absolutely lost. 

This is why her hesitancy to end her friendship with Snape makes sense to me. Even though by fifth year he’s already well past toeing the line with the dark arts, Lily was willing to overlook some pretty egregious and troubling things in order to maintain the relationship. I kind of interpret that as her way of desperately clinging on to any sense of belonging she has left; her relationship with Petunia has already been poisoned, and now there are people who resent her existence as a witch; if she loses Severus too, what and who else does she have? And what tone does that set for her, if everyone and everything she’s come to hold close to her ends up turning her away?

It’s also important to note that not only is Severus one of her few remaining connections to the muggle world, but he’s also a wizard who grew up in the muggle world; he understands her, and I don’t doubt that he gave her some stability at times when she needed it (her finding out about her being a witch, her having trouble acclimating to the wizarding world, etc).

I see this as being one of her flaws and I can actually appreciate how relatable and realistic it feels. Lily is not a bad person; on the contrary, you’d be hard pressed to find anyone to describe her as such. Not to get all clinical and boring, but the interesting thing about (unhealthy) coping mechanisms is that it can actually be really hard to identify them in your own behavior. Unless you’re in therapy and/or are actively psychoanalyzing yourself, you likely don’t even realize how many of your common behaviors are born from self defense mechanisms put in place by your brain after past events.

To me, it makes sense why she avoided actually confronting the idea that Snape was too far gone. We know that she was aware of the path Severus was taking, but it almost seems like she was still convinced that she could save him, and could possibly steer him back in the right direction. It’s only when she becomes the target of his bigotry that she realizes that the Snape who called her a ‘mudblood’ was not the same Severus who was the one who held her hand and introduced her to this new, exciting world.

In a general sense, yes, it is selfish, to only take a stand when something starts affecting you personally. But I also think it’s important to note that it’s unlikely that this was a conscious decision on Lily’s part. In my eyes, it was easier to delude herself into thinking she still had a chance to save him before it was too late when she was able to separate him from his actions (considering, a lot of the time, she was only hearing about them after the fact, rather than seeing them firsthand). But the elusion is shattered once she sees that the Snape she grew up with– her friend, Severus– is, in fact, the same person who’s out there calling other students slurs, dismissing the malicious use of Dark Magic on others as just “a laugh”. There we see a Lily who is actually revealed to have been somewhat aware of Snape’s involvement with the darker side of magic, and genuinely feels pretty ashamed about her inaction.

Also, this is in no way me being a Snape-anti, and I actually could do an entire separate analysis on his character alone and why I find him so interesting.

Anyways, that moment in SWM is probably somewhat of an epiphany to her. It’s like a dam that’s been broken, and now she’s overwhelmed with the realization of exactly how much she overlooked in order to keep their friendship afloat. And for someone like Lily Evans, someone whom we know is opinionated and unafraid to call others out on their bullshit, that can be hard to swallow and feel pretty mortifying and shameful. And I think this was a huge turning point for her- at that point, she doesn’t have the luxury of avoiding uncomfortable truths anymore and now that she’s getting closer to graduating and being thrown out into the world on the brink of war, this was probably a really sobering discovery.

This is where we don’t have as much info to go off of, and a lot of it is up to interpretation. But we actually have little crumbs to go off of following her graduation and leading up to her death.

One of my favorite little tidbits isn’t in the books, and @seriousbrat's post reminded me about it. Here's the actual entry on Pottermore for anyone who's interested, but I'll summarize: after James and Lily began dating, Lily brings James to meet newly engaged Petunia and Vernon. Everything goes downhill, because Vernon is a smarmy asshole, and James is still pretty immature and can’t help but mess with him (which… fair, I guess). Petunia and Vernon storm out after Petunia letting Lily know that she had no intentions of having her as a bridesmaid, which causes Lily to break down into tears. I mention this because I also think it’s a pretty important aspect of her character; like we’ve seen in her past friendship with Snape, Lily seems more than willing to forgive others most of the time. Petunia is a bit of a complicated character herself, but she was objectively very cruel and unfair to Lily once it became obvious that she was a witch and Petunia was not.

Something that always stands out to me is just how desperate Lily is to earn Petunia’s trust and approval again. Even up until her death, she was more than willing to mend the relationship, were Petunia ever to consider. 

This is a detail about Lily that I feel is misunderstood quite a bit. I’ve seen a lot of instances of her character being reduced to a one-dimensional archetype with little to no complexity. And often, that archetype is “know-it-all, prudish, self righteous bookworm who is also a goody two-shoes with a stick up her ass”. What annoys me is that the reason for this is most definitely the scene in which she blows up at James in SWM for bullying Snape, and hurls quite a few insults at him directly after an extremely devastating and overwhelming situation for her. This frustrates me because we know for a fact that she’s the polar opposite of this archetype I’ve seen her reduced to. 

In actuality, she’s referred to as popular, charming, witty, bright and kind. From flashbacks we also are shown that she’s opinionated, bold, and not afraid to challenge others. With other context, like her interpersonal relationships, we can also see that she’s pretty emotionally driven and wears her heart on her sleeve. 

(I know Remus didn’t mention Lily much in the books, but I really love how he described her in the movies. He tells Harry that the first thing he noticed about him was not his striking resemblance to his father, but his eyes, the same eyes Lily had. He also calls her a “singularly gifted witch” and an “uncommonly kind woman”.

“She had a way of seeing the beauty in others, even and perhaps most especially, when that person could not see it in themselves.”

I know there are mixed feelings on whether or not the films count as canon source material, so take it with a grain of salt, but I personally cannot see a world in which Lily and Remus didn’t become close friends.)

Here we have a direct description of what she was like and who she was, corroborated by recounting of memories of her, and yet for some reason, this feels like the thing that is most commonly lost in translation.

I don’t think I can say why I think that is without mentioning the dreaded M word (misogyny- it’s misogyny), but I also don’t want to get too off topic so I’ll be brief: female characters are typically not given the same grace as male characters. When we have an undeveloped male character, he’s awarded the assumption that despite his lack of depth, there still exists a complex and multifaceted character– it’s merely just potential that hasn’t been tapped into. Whereas when we have underdeveloped female characters, they are taken at face value, meaning that not much exists beyond the little information we have of them. They are not presumed to have a life or a story that exists beyond the surface of what we know like male characters are. That’s why I think characters like Regulus, Evan, or Barty (just to name a few) are more popular than Lily, despite being less developed than she is.

(Before anyone gets defensive, no, I don’t think it’s an individual problem that you alone need to be shamed for. I think it’s the result of a deeper issue regarding misogyny in media as a concept; these are things that we’ve all unknowingly internalized and while it’s not our fault, we still have to do the work to deconstruct those learned prejudices.)

What I find really cool about her character is that despite how much she’s been hurt, she’s also still known as one of the most loving, kind, and considerate characters. There were so many times in her life where the love she received was conditional and ripped away from her– and I think that’s what makes her sacrifice even more poignant. She was able to protect her infant son from an extremely powerful dark wizard, wand-less, knowing that her husband was just murdered in cold blood, just from how much love she felt for Harry. Her love was a force of nature on its own, and I just think that’s such an amazing thing about her. 

I know I’m biased, given that she’s one of my favorite characters, but even upon delving into this, I still just find it so incredibly hard to understand how anyone can actively hate her (not indifference, but actual dislike). In my opinion (again, no one is unbiased, and she is a favorite character of mine, but trust me when I say that I’m trying to be objective as possible when I say this), she’s probably one of the most likable characters of the Marauders Era. I think perhaps a lot of people haven’t given her a chance or really taken the time to learn about her character, but it could be a myriad of other reasons that I’ll never understand. 

There's so much more I could say but this is long enough and I will stop myself

Lily Evans, u will always be famous to me

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hey sex witch, you’ve talked a lot about porn addiction on here but I have some other questions if that’s ok.

I go to Christian highschool and we often have discussions about porn addiction.

my teacher says that most addicted people start consuming porn at around 9. And that even seeing one naked person or one porn or whatever on the internet can put you at higher risk of developing an addiction to porn.

does absolutely any of this have a base in science? Or is this all fear mongering and what not?

hi anon,

first of all, I just want to say that I think it rules that you're seeking information outside of what's being taught at your school. learning how to question what you're told and seek out answers from other sources is a really important skill that can be VERY hard to even begin if you aren't given the resources to easily go looking for information, and I think it's great that you're taking the initiative of seeking out other perspectives :)

now, let's break this down: the concept of "porn addiction" is one largely discredited by psychologists. while people can certainly develop maladaptive coping mechanisms around sexuality, porn, and/or masturbation, this isn't strictly the same as addiction, and several studies have found that the people who are most likely to identify themselves as porn addicts are people who harbor religious or cultural shame about sexuality and porn use, rather than people who use porn more than the average person. it is, largely, a matter of perception.

while access to smartphones means that many people first encounter pornography at a young age - the current average age is somewhere between 9 and 13, depending on the study - and that can be confusing to a child who isn't given the proper framework to understand what they're seeing, it's also not a new phenomenon. in my role as a sex educator I also get to talk with a lot of parents about their early sexual experiences, and many of them recall encountering printed pornography as children when they find it in gutters, the woods, the bedroom of parents or friends' parents, or even stowed in farm equipment. these adults tend to remember being intrigued and excited along with a little confused or alarmed by this first brush with sexuality, but crucially it did not define them as people. as evidence by the fact that they've grown up to send their children to queer-friendly, sex positive, nonjudgmental sex ed classes, early exposure to porn did not stop them from growing into curious, thoughtful, and supportive parents who want to encourage healthy attitudes toward sexuality for their children. porn alone does not have the power to determine the direction of someone's life.

just seeing a naked person or pornography on the internet also cannot immediately make you an "addict." as you've already guessed, this is what we call fear mongering, using information in a way that's exaggerated to make people nervous to even engage with a topic. fear mongering about sex is common among adults and education systems that don't want to young people to be curious about their bodies; another common one is "teaching" young people about sexually transmitted infections by only showing them pictures of untreated cases that have become drastic and painful while insisting that no STI can ever be treated, which is definitely not the case. but the facts don't matter; the priority is trying to make sure teenagers are too scared to have sex until they're adults and the school system is no longer responsible for them.

(and it doesn't even work; states with higher rates of abstinence only education are CONSISTENTLY among those with the highest rates of teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.)

when presented with absolutist statements like this, it's worth poking holes in the logic. for instance, if seeing any naked figure is bad, what about classical art? do nude marble statues put you at risk of being a porn addict? what about other artistic depictions of nudity? or anatomical illustrations? what about real people just changing clothes in a locker room, or young siblings bathing together? does it not count for people who are nearly or partially nude, like someone wearing a bathing suit or athletic clothes? people changing in a locker room together? what about young children being bathed together? and what about all of those depictions about Jesus on the cross wearing nothing but a loincloth? what's the line between "good" and "bad" nudity, and who's deciding where that line is? can such a line even really exist at all?

the truth is that people are undressed or partially undressed in all kinds of situations, and none of them are a corrosive influence on your brain. just looking at something is not enough to completely rewire your brain and permanently change your behavior. ultimately, you are responsible for your own actions.

I hope this has been a helpful answer, and that you stay curious about what you're being taught.

[hybbart]

This is perhaps a strange question, but do you have the sketch/lineart/framework/whatever the heck it's called that you use when you draw Tango? I decided I want to learn to draw, and my thought process was, "Ah yes, the easiest way is to try and copy my favourite Tangos cause I know how they look," and it is going... poorly xD.

Alternatively, do you have any advice on how to learn and develop a style, or how to get/keep going?

A reference sheet? I have a couple various ones, though at this point i don't really use a reference unless I need to sample colours, and I'm currently working on a colour reference for myself. Besides the point I suppose... I'll put them at the very bottom of the cut so scroll right past my ramblings if you want to.

As for advice. My advice is do not try developing a style if you are just starting out. style is the last thing that should be on your mind if you're just starting out. Style is something that happens naturally as you grow and learn what you like and get used to your tools, and being able to intentionally create a style is an advanced skill that requires the skill to draw in various styles, strong basics, self-awareness, and proper self-critique.

The rest of this is going to be very incoherent and long winded and backwards so I apologize.

The most important thing to improving is to get over yourself. You need to look at someone else's art and be able to admit it's better than yours or has a quality you wish yours had without that being a statement of self-deprecation. You need to be able to look at your own art and pick out what it is you don't like about it without using it to beat yourself up. You can't improve if you get demotivated by the information required to adjust your course.

If you must, find something in each drawing that you like and focus on learning how to recreate that. If you find yourself with a drawing that you genuinely find nothing you like about it you stop drawing and restart, because that drawing is worthless to you once you recognize that. Analyze why you don't like it, figure out what's causing you to draw that way, ask what you might prefer instead and what the difference between them is, and figure out how to draw what you want instead. The important thing is that when you examine your art and other's art you're using as inspiration you don't instead use it as a tool to put yourself down.

My shadows are flat and poorly angled, and I draw everything lopsides, and I can say those things as simple facts of my art. These are things I still do, and I use tools to fix them, like turning my tablet or using editing tools, or looking up references. If I want to know a certain technique I reach out to other artists I see using said technique and asking, or I research it myself. In the meantime I experiment and accept this flaw in my art. There's other things to like. The important thing is you don't allow your lack of knowledge to demotivate you from correcting that lack of knowledge.

The best thing you can do is ask yourself what you like about art, and what you want to do. It's a bit difficult for me to help with this sort of thing because I've literally always drawn my whole life, so helping someone who is actively choosing to take up drawing isn't my realm of expertise. But art is communication and connection and self-expression. What do you want to express through your art and what medium is that expression best done in, what do you want to convey, what do you want to share that you simply cannot without art.

It's a bit daunting, those sound like profound questions, but honestly they're not. When I draw fanart usually what I wanna communicate is "I like these characters when they do this", and more often than not it's "I really liked this line/palette".

These incomplete character sketches have sat in my main D&D folder and I think about him at least once a month entirely because I was so happy with his proportions and the concept of a dewclaw heel. I ended up reusing the heel in these Jimmy designs.

It can be anything and changes with each piece. Drawing let's me express what I love and emphasize what I love about it or show it from my perspective. I'll use this raau page as an example.

This is actually based on a shop that I've gone to since I was a child, so it's a space that I've seen and thought about many times. Though it's changed, for ease of drawing and to fit into the setting of raau and for the sake of composition, but the things that are important to me are still here. The ceiling that feels slightly claustrophobically low, the rainbow coordinated shirts, the club covers shaped like animals, every inch of the shop being utilized for merchandise until you can barely see the walls, the nook shape of the section, the fluorescent lights with this specific covering that's very "soulless office job" but to me is also the playroom at my grandma's house and how both have no windows.

I wanted to preserve particular qualities of the atmosphere of the place, in order to express that in this image. That vibe that I could not describe in words to anyone who hasn't experienced it themselves so the best I could normally do is describe it and hope it sparks a similar enough memory. But with visual art I can use lightning, context, and composition to simply express it better. I can create the experience for someone else.

Sometimes writing is better at it than words, and sometimes both are needed, so I learned both. Sometimes music is better than either and I'm screwed because I can't do music. That's besides the point though.

When you're starting out you can have a hard time grasping what about a piece compels you. That's why you need to learn to critique art as you learn to draw, and that's also why tracing and copying is good.

Here's an example of me trying out @lunarcrown's art style. I made a collage and traced my favourite frame's shapes to "get my hands on it", if you will, before trying it out on my own, starting with similar poses usually. What I learned from this is I really like how Lunar does hair, actually even though this was a study of Tango I took notes on how she does Jimmy's hair and applied it to my Scar, Impulse, and Skizz, because I'm awful at short men's hairstyles.

I also cemented one of the reasons I love her art is because it does have some qualities that I already incorporate into mine, like the streamlining between flushed materials such as her Tango's skin and skin-tight shirt, or my Tango's sleeves and gloves.

If you know what you like about something it's easier to work towards incorporating it into your own art without simply copying someone else's. And starting out by copying as a way to play around with someone's art the same way an engineer pulls something apart is helpful in doing so.

Which leads me further back into simply go somewhere and draw what you see. The drawing does not have to be good, but being able to just take a sketchbook and see something that scratches your brain and mimic it is important to developing the above skills. Being able to translate reality into an image is important to developing your skills and understanding the fundamentals of breaking things down. Being able to look at something moving or possibly far away and look down and draw it anyways by breaking down its shapes is important in developing your ability to use references.

Drawing is also mostly muscle memory. So it's important to draw things over and over again. You can do this how you want, you're always going to hit a wall where you end up having to sit there and draw circles 50 times on a page to remember how to draw circles like you're trying to get a dry pen to work. You will do this before almost every serious picture. Find a way for you to enjoy this process.

The biggest most important rule about art, though, is that there is not rules. Go about things however you want for whatever reason you want. If you enjoy doing something a certain way do it that way, if you hate a particular process eliminate it. Sometimes the result outweighs a miserable process, if having something look a certain way is more important then suck it up and do so. If you care more about enjoying a motion than what the end result is then do so. You have to ask yourself what you care about in art.

For now, though, if you're just starting out. The best thing you can do is draw a lot of circles and cubes and fruit. It's an unfortunate truth that the best foundation is learning realism, because it's just going to teach your the fundamentals the best, and all abstraction is... well, an abstraction.

Of course, as just said, there is no rules, and if you genuinely do not enjoy drawing those things like me, then you can simply not. It helps improvement the fastest but if it makes you miserable in a way that isn't backed by passion then that's counterproductive. Forcing yourself only really works if you're passionate enough about what you're doing to overcome the temporary discomfort of learning, so if you're satisfied with just being able to mimic something more abstract in the beginning do exactly that and explore what would make you passionate enough to be willing to draw things you aren't stoked about for an end result. You might never be, but that's also fine, you don't have to strive to be the world's greatest artist to justify drawing.

Also accept that you're absolutely going to change your mind on things. What felt like a great line to draw you're going to hate the next day. It's up to you if you leave it be or fix it, neither's the right answer. I tend to lean towards leaving it personally, even when it drive some up a wall, simply because I have very momentary inspiration and don't like returning to old pieces once I'm done with them. Some people will return to a picture over and over again fixing it every time they think of something. Whatever floats your boat.

tl;dr figure out what you enjoy doing with art and just do that as much as you like. Improve by finding new things you want to do with art. Combine as you see fit to create art.

...

okay time for references:

I try to keep my designs simple because the style I developed for mcyt art was intended for animations. I've drifted a bit but in general I keep to simple shape-defined designs with long lines, flat colours, and minimal wrinkles. It's intentionally flat in many ways in order to create more satisfying lines, like the collar of his shirt or the way his hands ' gradient is done with the line art.

Tango is both round and angular, basically he's an almond. His shape is ambiguous in much of his clothing, with very understated joints. This gives him a move cartoony elastic sort of vibe, like he's just a pipe cleaner that can bend any which way, or a piece of rubber that might stretch.

I avoid bogging him down with logic for that reason, his hair is styled like hair but it has the appearance and moves like fire. Which is it? Who knows. Where are his organs? I haven't drawn them so they don't exist.

[thefearandnow]

So with Oppenheimer coming out tomorrow, I feel a certain level of responsibility to share some important resources for people to understand more about the context of the Manhattan Project. Because for my family, it’s not just a piece of history but an ongoing struggle that’s colonized and irradiated generations of New Mexicans’ lives and altered our identity forever. Not only has the legacy of the Manhattan Project continued to harm and displace Indigenous and Hispanic people but it’s only getting bigger: Biden recently tasked the Los Alamos National Lab facility to create 30 more plutonium pits (the core of a nuclear warhead) by 2026. So this is a list of articles, podcasts and books to check out to hear the real stories of the local people living with this unique legacy that’s often overlooked. 

This is simply the latest mainstream interest in the Oppenheimer story and it always ALWAYS silences the trauma of the brown people the US government took advantage of to make their death star. I might see the movie, I honestly might not. I’m not trying to judge anyone for seeing what I’m sure will be an entertaining piece of art. I just want y’all to leave the theater knowing that this story goes beyond what’s on the screen and touches real people’s lives: people whose whole families died of multiple cancers from radiation from the Trinity test, people who’s ancestral lands were poisoned, people who never came back from their job because of deadly work conditions. This is our story too.

The first and best place to learn more about this history and how to support those still resisting is to follow Tewa Women United. They’ve assembled an incredible list of resources from the people who’ve been fighting this fight the longest.

https://tewawomenunited.org/2023/07/oppenheimer-and-the-other-side-of-the-story

The writer Alicia Inez Guzman is currently writing a series about the nuclear industrial complex in New Mexico, its history and cultural impacts being felt today.

https://searchlightnm.org/my-nuclear-family/

https://searchlightnm.org/the-abcs-of-a-nuclear-education/

https://searchlightnm.org/plutonium-by-degrees/

Danielle Prokop at Source NM is an excellent reporter (and friend) who has been covering activists fighting for Downwinder status from the federal government. They’re hoping that the success of Oppenheimer will bring new attention to their cause.

https://sourcenm.com/2023/07/19/anger-hope-for-nm-downwinders/

https://sourcenm.com/2022/01/27/new-mexico-downwinders-demand-recognition-justice/

One often ignored side of the Manhattan Project story that’s personal for me is that the government illegally seized the land that the lab facilities eventually were built on. Before 1942, it was homesteading land for ranchers for more than 30 families (my grandpa’s side of the family was one). But when the location was decided, the government evicted the residents, bought their land for peanuts and used their cattle for target practice. Descendants of the homesteaders later sued and eventually did get compensated for their treatment (though many say it was far below what they were owed)

https://www.hcn.org/issues/175/5654

Myrriah Gomez is an incredible scholar in this field, working as a historian, cultural anthropologist and activist using a framework of “nuclear colonialism” to foreground the Manhattan Project. Her book Nuclear Nuevo Mexico is an amazing collection of oral stories and archival record that positions New Mexico’s era of nuclear colonialism in the context of its Spanish and American eras of colonialism. A must read for anyone who’s made it this far.

https://uapress.arizona.edu/book/nuclear-nuevo-mexico

There isn’t a ton of podcasts about this (yet 👀) but recently the Washington Post’s podcast Field Trip did an episode about White Sands National Monument. The story is a beautifully written and sound designed piece that spotlights the Downwinder activists and also a discovery of Indigenous living in the Trinity test area going back thousands of years. I was blown away by it.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/podcasts/field-trip/white-sands-national-park/

[perseidlion]

I'm new to the KAOS fandom, and I honestly love the way the show is riffing off myth.

I've seen some rumblings of some people thinking they're changing too much. But, uhhh, the show definitely never promised they'd be sticking close to myth by its whole *gestures broadly* deal. Also like...WHICH version of the myths? There are so many and they changed, sometimes drastically over time. KAOS is just really continuing the tradition of remixing these characters and the stories.

I feel like the people who are saying this takes it too far probably have a superficial understanding of Greek and Roman mythology. Cause if you really dig into it, these stories are weird, contradictory, raunchy, violent and tragic.

I was a Classics major for two years (before I decided I couldn't learn Latin or Greek which was required to study primary sources, so I switched majors.) And let me tell you, KAOS is VERY accurate to certain portrayals of the gods. Not all, of course, but many.

Zeus is absolutely a horndog dick who sleeps with all sorts of people and spreads his seed everywhere. I mean, he straight-up disguised himself as other people to have sex with their partners. Animals, too!

Hera is incredibly petty and vindictive and transforms people into all sorts of things as punishment. She was especially hard on any of Zeus' lovers she caught, or his kids from different mothers.

Everyone was doing adultery all the time.

Hades wasn't a meek corporate type, but he also wasn't a devil analogue as he often gets interpreted as in pop culture. He's definitely a big ole grump and doesn't seem to have a soft side, but he's not often portrayed as evil. Zeus is not God and Hades is not Satan. That's really applying a Judeo-Christian framework to Greek mythology.

The myth of Orpheus and Eurydice was always more about grief and not being able to let go than about the power of true love.

The gods gained obedience and worship through fear. They absolutely punished people who didn't worship they way they wanted them to.

The gods were a giant, powerful, highly dysfunctional family with lots of petty grievances and grudges.

The Greeks had no concept of gay or straight. They conceptualized sex and sexuality as acts, not an identity. They were more concerned about who was the passive person in a sexual encounter (for reasons of class and manliness) rather than what gender their partner was. So it makes sense that this modern retelling would have a similiarly open an undefined concept of sex and sexuality.

Greek myth is full of people who change genders or who swap back and forth through magic or prayer, or were both male and female at the same time. Caeneus in the show, is based on a real myth of someone AFAB who wished to become a man.

(sidenote: Misia Butler is so damned charming and handsome.)

It's also important to remember that the religion of the ancient Greeks lasted a very long time and changed over that time. There was also this really interesting dichotomy between the gods of plays and myths and the gods they worshipped in a religious context. That was one thing that is really hard to wrap your head around when you're studying Greek and Roman myth, especially when you're studying it alongside plays and epic poetry.

The gods of the stories who were being vengeful and petty and the gods they sacrificed to and worshipped were not the same - and they were. Sort of imagine it like Christian peoples' perceptions of Jesus vs Jesus in pop culture. Like, if you studied Dogma or Good Omens or something alongside the Bible and didn't distinguish between religion and pop culture, you'd definitely be confused.

So there are all these competing stores, some benevolent and holy, some raucous and scandalous. KAOS very ably continues in that tradition by remixing and recontextualizing the source material for a new audience.

They do some reaaalll weird thing with timelines, though! They squish together myth and pick and choose different versions and inspiration. But honestly that doesn't bother me because it's all done deliberately and not out of ignorance. They're changing what they've changed to serve the story.

Plus it's great fun. It's one of the most creative shows I've seen in ages. Go and watch it! As a bonus, it's also hella queer.

[drdemonprince]

Your advice to the letter-writer whose friend is a former abuser is interesting to me! I largely agree with the specifics, but I'd have added advice to be careful with how the former abuser treats the letter-writer. I might also advise them to be careful whenever the former abuser describes conflicts, as they might be likelier than average to use a woe-is-me framework. I would recommend caution with anything the abuser suggests they do that might cause them discomfort or humiliation, even if it sounds righteous in theory. I realize this is not very fair of me. The former abuser shouldn't have to live with increased carefulness and suspicion from their friends. Maybe it's not a real friendship if you're always wary about your friend potentially turning on you. But purely pragmatically... a lot of former abusers do abuse again, even if they had changed, sincerely, for a while. And "my friend who knows my history and stands with me, even losing some other friends in the process" is a prime target for Abuse II: Abuse Comes Back But In A New Enlightened Way. Deciding to have solidarity with a former abuser is a very moral thing to do, but it's also a trait some abusers are great at warping for their own benefit. Again, I know I'm being unfair, but I keep seeing this happen. Sometimes the friend gets sucked into a narrative where they eventually blame the former victim and become increasingly protective. Other time they say very clear-eyed things but ultimately still end up physically or sexually or emotionally mistreated.

I guess my question is, you say you believe the abuser fundamentally changed, so what does that look like to you? Are you able to fully relax around people who've abused in the past? Abuse is the result of circumstances, but it's also a sort of skill; how do you trust people to never use that skill again?

Great things to be aware of, honestly, thanks anon for the nuanced and careful view.

I like your framing of abuse as a skillset rather than a type of person -- and it's a skill that a whole variety of people wield, including sometimes those who are identified by most not as abusers, but as crusaders for justice or even supposedly for victims' rights. Having been abused and having also learned to be a canny social manipulator, I do see abuse as a skill that gets taught in dysfunctional groups and family systems, and which we can all potentially fall back on when we're backed into a corner.

Knowing how to recognize the skills of abuse being utilized (and maybe even more importantly, how you feel when a person leverages certain tactics against you) is really important for self-preservation in general. Being friends with someone who has a known abuse history that they are explicit & contrite about, in some ways, puts you in a safer position than if you were interceding with a more covert abuser who uses such tactics under a banner of benevolence. But it's also true that many people who come to be known as abusers were initially known as charming, and right thinking, and moral -- and it's very possible for someone who has done abuse to present themselves as such but not mean it. We can't ever really know the full depths of someone else's heart and mind, nor do we have to -- we can look to their actions and the skills they use, particularly when they are frustrated or feeling attacked.

[chiqelatasblog]

In the Middle Of the Night🌙

-> Ao3 link is here.

-> Part Two is here.

-> Part Four is here.

Pairings : Bi-Han/ Sub-Zero x You, Kuai Liang/ Scorpion x You, Tomas Vrbada/ Smoke x You

Author’s Note : This chapter spans over 12,000 words as Kuai Liang unravels his story, and I’m quite pleased with the result. I hope you’ll enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. However, I want to provide a heads-up about a couple of sensitive topics covered in this chapter: food deprivation and references to past sexual abuse.

.

.

.

These burning flames, these crashing waves,

Wash over me like a hurricane.

I'll captivate, you're hypnotized,

Feel powerful, but it's me again.

CHAPTER THREE : KUAI LIANG

Kuai Liang had protected his heart well throughout his life.

He had learned to control his powers at a very young age. Compared to his older brother, he was more capable of destroying powers and creating serious dangers instantly if left unchecked. Hence, he had to master the art of composure and patience, ensuring his emotions remained tempered. As a pyromancer, fire was less forgiving than ice; even a small mishap could have serious consequences and quickly destroy whatever stood in its way.

As the Grandmaster’s son, Kuai Liang shouldered heavier responsibilities within their clan due to the hierarchical structure. This framework not only limited his interactions but also instilled a fear of accidentally harming others with his powers. Despite his efforts to erect emotional barriers for the safety of those around him, he struggled internally and envied his brothers. Unlike him, Bi-Han always has an intimidating aura around him, his icy powers reflecting his demeanor as he effortlessly distanced himself from others. In contrast, Tomas initially grappling with the loss of his own family, he eventually warmed up to others, radiating a friendly and approachable demeanor.

As they were sealed inside the book, they found themselves drifting apart. Bi-Han grew colder, even to him, while Tomas’s once bright eyes dimmed, reminiscent of the day they discovered him at the clan borders, drenched in the blood of his family, wearing a vacant expression. Kuai Liang became the conduit between his brothers, as the curse slowly consumed them from within.

Especially when she summoned them, that’s when everything spiraled downward. Kuai Liang didn’t realize the depth of their descent until they were already submerged in it, despite having endured so much already.

‘‘I told them that you could satisfy them, Kuai Liang. There are only five of them, you’re not going to mislead me, are you? I’m sure you’ll get over it.’’

His master’s hands rested on his shoulders, her lustily muffled breath tickling his ear, while Kuai Liang endeavored to remain still, his expression carefully blank. Standing naked before a vast, round bed swathed in luxurious satin sheets, he felt a prickling sensation crawl across his skin under the scrutinizing gaze of the small group gathered before him. The room glowed with the warm flicker of candles of various sizes, their dancing flames casting intricate patterns on the walls. A crackling fire burned in the nearby fireplace, its radiant heat almost overwhelming him, despite fire being his element. The intense warmth caused his skin to feel hot and sweaty, everything feeling too much at the moment.

The group, nestled on dark red satin sheets, observed him with a mix of curiosity and hunger, their whispers filling the air with anticipation. The heavy scent of aphrodisiac permeated the room, emanating from the candles—a deliberate attempt to set the mood, given Kuai Liang’s inability to do so himself.

Leilani, his master, coiled the chain of his collar around her fingers, the cold metal sending a shiver down his spine as she obediently lowered his head. She captured his lower lip between her teeth, biting down with a force that bordered on painful, eliciting a sharp intake of breath from him. Despite the discomfort, he remained stoic, his gaze unwavering as blood trickled down to his chin in a thin stream. A smirk of pleasure adorned Leilani’s lips as she licked the blood smeared on his lip with the tip of her tongue, savoring the metallic tang, before delicately tracing the blood trail on his chin with soft, deliberate licks.

“Don’t embarrass me, slave,” she remarked coldly.

As Kuai Liang managed to open his eyes with a ragged breath, everything appeared blurry at first. He felt a faint coolness on his forehead, his body weighed down by an unbearable ache in every muscle. With teeth clenched in pain, he struggled to regain focus.

“Oh, I’m sorry, did I wake you up?” a soft, unfamiliar voice reached his ears, distinct from the nightmare he had just endured. Despite the heaviness of his eyelids, Kuai Liang managed to blink them open. As his vision cleared, your figure came into view. Whatever expression crossed his face, you spoke in a gentle, understanding tone.

“It’s okay, Kuai Liang. You’re safe, you’re in my house, remember?”

Your words triggered images to flood into his mind. He was out of the book, but when? How long had he been lying like this? His body throbbed with pain, suggesting he had been immobile for some time.

“Your throat must be quite dry. Wait, I’ll get you some water.”

Kuai Liang propped himself up with his elbows, wincing at the protest of his aching muscles. He watched as you poured water into a glass from a nearby jug and carefully sat down beside him.

“Here, let me put a pillow behind you to make you more comfortable.”

As you placed a pillow to support his back, Kuai Liang drew a deep breath, finally able to sit upright. Even this simple movement caused his muscles to rebel. Silently, you handed him the glass of water to drink. Kuai Liang grasped the cup with his numb fingers, feeling a surge of life as the cool water flowed down his parched throat. He finished the water in one go, thirst quenched like a desert traveler finding an oasis. When you refilled the glass and offered it again, he drank more slowly this time, savoring the refreshing liquid. Once his mouth felt moist enough to speak, Kuai Liang asked in a hoarse, wheezy voice, unused to speaking after days of silence.

“How many days have I been in bed?”

“It’s been a week,” you said in a kind voice, refilling his glass with water for the third time. Kuai Liang’s eyes widened slightly in surprise.

“A week?”

“Yes, your brothers tried not to show it, but they were worried about you,” you said with a sweet smile. “But they had complete faith in you that you would get through this.”

“Where are they?” Kuai Liang asked as he took another sip from the glass. The water felt like medicine, satiating the last embers of fever that had spread from his lungs to his entire body, gradually calming him down.

“Bi-Han went out until about an hour ago. Tomas is sleeping in the living room.”

Kuai Liang couldn’t be sure he had heard the last part correctly. Tomas? Sleeping? How was this possible? Since the day they were sealed in the book, Tomas had always struggled to fall asleep. He fought insomnia, afraid of returning to the eternal darkness, and tried to cope by taking short naps whenever he could. Hearing that he was sleeping now didn’t sound convincing to Kuai Liang at all.

“Of his own accord?” Kuai Liang said, his voice filled with doubt and disbelief. Despite his frown, his expression remained composed. There was an understanding in your gaze, indicating you comprehended his reaction.

“Yes, it’s quite early for him to wake up, but if you want to see him, I can wake him up.”

“No, there’s no need.” Kuai Liang quickly opposed the idea. If Tomas managed to sleep, he wouldn’t want to disturb him. He knew how rare this situation was and wanted his brother to take advantage of it.

“Are you hungry? I made you some porridge so you could eat comfortably. I can heat it up and bring it if you want.”

Though Kuai Liang was once again surprised, he tried not to let it show too much on his face. His eyebrows furrowed slightly, a sign of his guard being raised. Had you prepared a meal for him, Kuai Liang wondered? The notion seemed as peculiar as Tomas managing to sleep. The only logical explanation he could muster was that you intended to ask for something in return for the food. After all, he had been bedridden for a week, too weak to follow orders. Ironically, it only took a simple command from you to spur him into action. You didn’t need to prepare anything in exchange. Yet, it was easier this way—to diminish their pride, as many masters before you had relished doing.

Despite having woken up, Kuai Liang’s body still felt weak. It was a challenge for him to muster the strength to prepare something for himself in order to regain his energy. Upon waking, his stomach stirred, reminding him of how hungry he truly was. With a metabolism faster than that of a normal person, he often found himself needing to consume more food. His old masters had exploited this trait, subjecting him to hunger tests and various trials to gauge his endurance. Through those experiences, Kuai Liang had learned the limits of hunger all too well.

“If you don’t like porridge, I can make soup or something different,” you said, your voice slightly faltering with the lengthening silence. Realizing Kuai Liang hadn’t answered, he pulled himself out of his thoughts and spoke hesitantly, choosing his words carefully.

“The porridge is fine. I prefer to eat it cold… I believe I’m warmed enough.’’

Your face unexpectedly brightened at his answer, and you stood up, a smile returning to your face.

“Great! Wait here, I’ll be right back. I’m sure you’ll feel better after eating.”

As you quickly left the room, Kuai Liang remained where he was leaning, trying to make sense of what had just happened. His tired gaze wandered around the room, realizing he wasn’t in the living room. It was your bedroom, filled with your personal belongings. Despite the open window airing the room, there was a faint, vaguely sweet smell that defined you, a scent he could only describe as feminine.

His gaze shifted to the thin blanket half pulled over him. As his fingers grazed the fabric, he tried to remember how he got here, but his memories were blurred. He could barely recall the conversations with Tomas and Bi-Han. All he could do was try to hold himself together at the moment. He felt as if he were burning with such intensity that he thought he would be reduced to ashes. While the fire consumed his body, he hadn’t experienced such a severe one before. He had never lost consciousness, although it always took him a long time to fully come to his senses after emerging from the book, unlike his brothers.

As you re-entered, Kuai Liang was snapped out of his thoughts, watching as you handed him the tray with a kind smile.

“Here you go, I hope you like it.”

Kuai Liang steadied the tray on his lap, gradually quelling the tremors in his hands. His gaze fell upon the bowl of porridge, its steam rising in wisps, teasing his nostrils with its warmth. His stomach clenched with a pang of hunger, urging him to devour the meal. With each passing moment, the gnawing sensation intensified, Kuai Liang dipped his spoon into the porridge to alleviate the relentless ache.

The porridge was cold, as you hadn’t heated it up as he requested and it was exactly what his body needed. With the first spoonful, he was taken aback by its unexpected deliciousness. While porridge was typically bland and unremarkable to him, the one you made was surprisingly rich in flavor. The chicken broth mingled seamlessly with the rice, enhanced by the spices you added, making it not only palatable but enjoyable to eat.

“Kuai Liang,” you chuckled softly, your voice triggering a strange sensation in his stomach, distinct from hunger. Turning his gaze to you, he was met with your gentle expression. “You should eat slowly. It’s been a while since you’ve eaten, and you’ll make your stomach uncomfortable at this rate. There’s a pot full of porridge still, so don’t worry.”

As the food settled in his stomach, Kuai Liang finished his mouthful and took a sip of water before speaking. Thankfully, his bronze skin hid the faint warmth creeping into his cheeks at your words. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt this hungry; it was as if his strength would ebb away entirely if he didn’t eat, as if the gnawing feeling in his stomach would consume his entire body.

Due to his fast metabolism, he had to eat constantly to survive and keep his body fit and agile. His previous masters had exploited this weakness, subjecting him to tests of endurance. He was a fighter, refusing to surrender without a struggle. Over time, Kuai Liang had learned to endure hunger for extended periods, gritting his teeth against the relentless pain in his stomach.

One of the perpetual side effects of the book was to maintain their physical appearance, like a perfect gift always on display. Despite the hardships they faced, their bodies remained unchanged from when they were first sealed in the book. Their skin remained firm and devoid of signs of aging, while their muscles remained taut and defined.

Though he felt powerless due to the lack of proper nourishment, Kuai Liang avoided showing weakness to the outside world, especially to the master of the book at the time. His brothers had been his biggest support. While Bi-Han and Tomas often shared their food with him, Kuai Liang initially tried to refuse their help. Ultimately, they all needed sustenance to endure and find a solution to their nightmare. Even though Bi-Han could go days without eating, Kuai Liang didn’t want him to endure the same deprivation.

“Thank you,” Kuai Liang said after a while. “That’s enough for me.”

Your furrowed eyebrows revealed your disbelief. “You’ve been sleeping for days, Kuai Liang. From what I’ve learned from your brothers, considering your metabolic rate, you need to eat at least four servings from that bowl, not to mention your body size. If you don’t like it, I can make something else, but you definitely need to eat. I don’t want you walking around hungry.” you insisted, your voice laced with concern.

Kuai Liang probably looked at you with surprise, though he managed to conceal it on his face. What? Your innocent tone and facial expression seemed to support each other seamlessly. Obviously, you didn’t know anything about his past, and he didn’t expect his brothers to say anything about it. You hadn’t ordered them to gather any information either.

“No, the porridge is fine, thank you,” Kuai Liang tried to smoothly continue. “Can I have more?”

“Of course!” Your smile widened, your whole face lighting up with joy as if the sun had risen upon you. Kuai Liang felt that strange ache again as he looked at you. “I thought you’d never ask!”

***

After Kuai Liang finished all the food in the pot and took a cold shower, he felt refreshed. His body was free from the days’ accumulated sweat, his stubble shaved, and his hair pulled back neatly. It was a strange feeling to have a full stomach, having forgotten what it felt like. Yet, there was a sense of peace within him. A weight had lifted, quieting the constant alertness that had consumed him for so long.

Arriving at the entrance of the living room, Kuai Liang encountered Bi-Han in the narrow hallway. His brother scrutinized him in silence from head to toe, assessing if he was well enough to stand.

“You look well,” said Bi-Han, his voice barely audible. “Do you feel as well as you look?”

“Yes, brother,” Kuai Liang replied, forcing a small smile to accompany his words. “How are you and Tomas? Was there anything I missed in a week?”

Bi-Han fell silent for a moment, nodding towards the study room adjacent to the bedroom. Kuai Liang followed his brother quietly into the room, and Bi-Han closed the door behind them, lowering his voice despite its depth.

“Tomas has begun to lose himself to the woman,” Bi-Han’s words filled the room with an icy chill. Kuai Liang observed his brother’s stern expression, which conveyed his displeasure with the situation. Despite their painful past and Tomas’s training as an assassin by the Lin Kuei, his inherent naivety had persisted, a trait Kuai Liang had always found unique. His brother lacked a judgmental nature, easily believing whatever he was told.

Since their time in the book, Tomas had changed like the rest of them. Whoever became the master of the book, Tomas obeyed them almost flawlessly, swiftly fulfilling orders and expectations. Kuai Liang soon understood why – it was the same as when he was trying to adhere to the Lin Kuei. He had no choice but to comply in order to survive in this new world where he didn’t know the rules. Yet, there was one person who made Tomas hesitate, offering a glimmer of hope in their dark world and suggesting that the cycle could be broken.

“How so?” Kuai Liang asked, his voice tinged with disbelief.

“You heard me.” Bi-Han replied.

“Like what happened with Leilani?”

“It may be even worse than that,” Bi-Han snarled, his face contorting with rage at the mention of their old master’s name. ‘’The speed at which she’s manipulated him is unprecedented.”

“How is that possible? Tomas was cautious after what happened.”

“You haven’t spent time with the woman. She offers him everything he desires, and he willingly accepts. They’re always together, laughing, touching, kissing. It’s all by his own consent.”

“What? Are you sure?”

“You know how long it took him to recover after Leilani. If this woman can make this much progress in a week, imagine what will happen when we return to the book in three months.”

“Wait a minute,” Kuai Liang tried to digest the information, pinching the bridge of his nose and taking a deep breath. “She told me that… Is it true that Tomas is sleeping of his own accord?’’

“Yes,” Bi-Han confirmed, his anger palpable.

‘’Damn it,” Kuai Liang muttered, running a hand over his head in frustration. All three of them harbored an aversion to darkness, but for Tomas, it went beyond mere dislike—it was pure loathing. He avoided closing his eyes for extended periods and fought against sleep as much as possible. The fact that he could now sleep next to you, in his most vulnerable state, only heightened Bi-Han’s concerns. Tomas had never revealed this side to anyone, not even to the master of all the books that had come and gone, except Leilani. Yet, even Leilani took a considerable amount of time to witness this aspect, setting a new record compared to their previous experiences.

“I’ve been constantly warning him to get it into his thick head and not trust the woman, but he doesn’t listen to me. Go talk to him, try to stop him from getting any more attached. Maybe your moderate approach will ring a bell for him.”

“If the situation is as serious as you say, brother, I don’t think Tomas will listen to me either.”

“Well, what shall we do then? Shall we allow his feelings to be manipulated, humiliated, and used again? We’ve been through this once, Kuai Liang, and I swore it wouldn’t happen again,” Bi-Han’s voice was as cold and harsh as winter itself, his demanding gaze piercing through him like a blade.

“Okay, I’ll talk to him.”

Taking another deep breath, Kuai Liang exited the room, silently following the voices until he reached the entrance of the living room. Both of you were engrossed in examining a pile of books on the kitchen island, your conversation too hushed for him to make out. However, judging by the expressions on your faces, you appeared to be in good spirits. Shifting his focus entirely to his brother, Kuai Liang comprehended Bi-Han’s concerns more clearly.

There was a calmness in Tomas’s expression that Kuai Liang hadn’t seen in a long time, almost peaceful. It was a departure from his usual artificial and distant smile, a sign of his increasing pessimism over the years. Despite his youth, his face carried a weight beyond his years, rivaling even Bi-Han’s gloominess.

The way he’s watching you now, with one hand casually supporting his chin and a subtle smile playing on his lips, rather than being absorbed in the book before him, is very different from what he’s used to. He would never have imagined it if he hadn’t seen it for himself. Seeing his brother carefree and relaxed, just like old times, filled Kuai Liang with concern instead of contentment. Bi-Han was right; Tomas had gotten carried away with you, and from what he observed, the situation was much more serious than he thought.

“Do you understand what I mean now?” Bi-Han’s voice came from right behind him, close enough for Kuai Liang to feel his cool breath on his neck. Kuai Liang didn’t say anything. After silently nodding in agreement, he stepped in, and you both snapped out of the peaceful bubble you had created upon noticing his arrival.

“Kuai Liang, good morning! I heard you were up, but you were in the shower when I got up. How do you feel? Are you better?” Tomas greeted him in a somewhat cheerful voice. Now that he could see him up close, Kuai Liang could discern the details better. While his pale face should have been marked with dark circles due to his usual insomnia, Tomas’s face had a lightness that indicated he had a good sleep. There were no stress lines, and his dull gray eyes were bright and sharp, as if life had returned to them.

Kuai Liang still found it hard to believe the change that had occurred in such a short time. He answered Tomas’s question in a flat voice,“Yes, I feel much better now.” To divert Tomas’s attention and avoid probing further, he turned his gaze to the books you were examining. “What are you doing?”

“We’re looking for a solution to break the curse,” you intervened in a soft voice. “I found these books in the library; I thought maybe there might be something useful in them.” Your gaze shifted from him to the notebook in front of you, scribbling something that he couldn’t read from this distance. “We’ve tried several solutions so far, but none of them have worked.”

“What were the things you tried?”

“Well, I tried to buy a small bottle of holy water from a church nearby and bless the book. When that didn’t work, I read somewhere that a little blood and certain prayers could be effective in breaking the curse, so I tried that this time.”

You raised your left hand and showed him your palm, revealing a long, thin cut running from the little finger to the thumb. Judging by the look of the cut, it seemed to have been at least a few days old. Kuai Liang was surprised that you had hurt yourself for them, but his astonishment faded when he reminded himself that this was likely part of the deception.

“You said burning didn’t work, but I tried it again to explore every possibility. Besides that, there’s actually another method that comes to my mind; there are people who specialize in breaking curses. Normally, I didn’t really believe in such things, but after all this, I’m considering every possibility now. I don’t know how we can explain this whole thing to them, but maybe I can ask them for help. If I can’t break the curse, at least they can guide us.”

“I don’t know how much more we have to tell you to make you understand.” Bi-Han’s voice interrupted as he entered the living room. Kuai Liang observed you shift in your seat anxiously, while Tomas subtly straightened his posture in a protective manner. “You can’t break Quan Chi’s curse with such ridiculous things. If it were that easy, we wouldn’t be here right now.”

“I know, but—”

“Stop this game,” Bi-Han interjected, his tone growing impatient. Although you tried not to show your uneasiness, you shifted again, and your hands clenched into fists on the counter, uncertain of what to do.

“What game?” You asked in a soft yet timid voice. “I’m just trying to help.”

“Unwanted help would only be an imposition. There’s no one here who wants your help. Is that so hard to understand, or are you really daft?”

As Tomas quickly rose from his seat, the chair made a painful squeal against the floor. “Bi-Han! Take back your words.”

“Do you realize who you are defending from whom?” Bi-Han growled, his demeanor emanating a threatening coldness, yet there was a determination in Tomas’s stance that he would not back down from his statement. Although Kuai Liang still couldn’t decipher how things had escalated to this point in just a week, he intervened to diffuse the situation before it escalated further.

“Guys-”

However, you acted before him, placing one hand on Tomas’s arm and drawing his attention back very easily, as if you had pressed a button.

“It’s all right, Tomas,” you said in a kind voice.

“But-”

“It’s alright,” your voice was still gentle, but there was also a certainty that emphasized the words. “There’s no harm, I’m fine.” After gently patting him on the arm, you continued to talk, focusing your gaze on one point rather than turning to them. On the other hand, you got up from where you were sitting and started picking up the mess on the counter. “I have a job interview, I won’t be here for a few hours. I’ll be back before sundown.” Just before closing your notebook, you suddenly turned your head to Kuai Liang as if something had occurred to you. “Oh, I almost forgot. On my way back, I’ll stop by the grocery store and shop for a few necessities for home. Is there a dish you like?”

Kuai Liang was stunned by this unexpected question. “A dish I like?” he echoed, his brows furrowing and incredulity evident in his voice. Despite the tension that just happened, you still answered his question with a small smile that you managed to put on your face.

“Yes. I want to make a meal that you like to celebrate your recovery; I’m sure you’ll feel better.”

***

“Why do you have to keep being rude?” As Tomas paced angrily around the room, Bi-Han lounged on a single sofa, spreading his legs in a relaxed manner that suggested he was indifferent to the situation. Kuai Liang observed the two of them, sensing a tingling at the nape of his neck—a foreboding sign of the headache that was about to enter his head.

“I’m tired of explaining, but you’re still not tired of asking same questions. I can actually understand why you’re getting along with her so well; you’re both terribly insistent on not understanding.”

“You’re only acting like a bully by being rude to someone who doesn’t deserve it,” said Tomas, as he stopped pacing and stood in front of Bi-Han. Bi-Han tilted his head back slightly, maintaining eye contact with Tomas and quietly responding to his challenge. While it was common for the two of them to struggle to find common ground and for Kuai Liang to act as mediator, this confrontation felt different. Tomas was resolute in his determination to protect you, leading him to confront Bi-Han. The presence of someone unfamiliar getting under his brother’s skin was evident. Kuai Liang found himself straddling the line between frustration over the situation and concern for Tomas.

“She’s already wrapped you around her finger. Just like Leilani-”

“Don’t mention her name,” Tomas interjected, his voice unusually harsh. “There is a difference between them; she is a really nice person. Is it that hard to believe?”

“And so you’ve figured it out in a short period of time, like a week. Congratulations to you. I wish you could really hit it this time compared to last time.”

“Bi-Han-”

When Kuai Liang rose to intervene with a warning tone, Tomas acted before him and grabbed Bi-Han with a rustle, at a speed that even Bi-Han could not decipher.

“Do you know what your problem is? You’re a coward.”

“Tomas-”

“Let him finish, Kuai Liang,” said Bi-Han, his voice eerily calm.

“You’re afraid to trust, aren’t you? That’s why you’re like this; you don’t want to let anyone near you through your arrogant walls.”

Tomas’ words hung heavily in the air, a tense silence covering the room as his words echoed on the walls. Bi-Han’s expression was illegible, but Kuai Liang could feel the anger boiling under the surface. After all, he knew his brother well enough to understand when his boundaries were being pushed.

“You think you understand everything, don’t you?” Bi-Han retorted, his voice piercingly cold. “You, who wear your heart on your sleeve, dare to juge me?”

“I’m not judging you; I’m just stating the truth.” After Tomas finished his words, he released Bi-Han and left the room in a cloud of smoke. Kuai Liang heard the faint click of the study door closing nearby.

“You’re going at him too hard,” He said with a sigh. “Even if he has an interest in her, don’t turn it into spite with your approach.”

‘’Do you think it’s up to my approach? Just look at him, he’s already under her spell.’’ Bi-Han argued.

‘’Even so, he is our brother. He needs our support. Stop setting him against you.’’

‘’He is the one who confronted us for the woman.’’

‘’You’re the one who triggered it,’’ Kuai Liang said, his patience wearing thin. ‘’Go get some air, collect your thoughts. I’ll take care of Tomas.’’

‘’Give him some mind.’’

Due to the small size of the house, Kuai Liang easily left the living room behind. When he reached the study, he softly opened the door and entered. Tomas stood a little further away, in front of the window, arms crossed, watching outside silently. He spoke in a dry voice without turning his head, even though he heard Kuai Liang’s approach.

‘’If you’re going to say the same things as Bi-Han, don’t bother at all.’’

“We are both thinking only of your well-being, Tomas.’’

“Come on, Kuai Liang, I’d rather you speak for yourself,’’ Tomas retorted. Kuai Liang gently placed a hand on his brother’s shoulder. Tomas didn’t push it away, but he still didn’t turn his head, his gaze fixed outside, his expression tense, the muscle on his chin clearly showing that he was angry about what had happened.

‘’You know Bi-Han, he may seem cold from the outside, but you know as well as I that he cares, he just fails to show it.’’

“Okay, maybe there’s some merit to his worries, but she didn’t do anything to deserve it, the only thing she’s shown us since the moment we came out of the book is just kindness, Kuai Liang. Thanks to her, I can sleep. You know too well what this means to me.’’ Tomas finally met his eyes, sincerity evident in his gaze. ‘‘I want you to give her a chance.’’

“Tomas-‘’

“I know you don’t trust her, but trust me,” his brother said, his voice tinged with a plea. “I understand I’m asking too much, but if you give her a chance, you’ll understand what I meant.”

Kuai Liang was at a loss for words. Tomas was more attached than he thought. Trust? He should have known that this was not possible, especially after what happened to them and the memories that still haunted his nightmares… He decided to drop the subject for now, it was clear they wouldn’t get anywhere if this matter dragged on.

When Kuai Liang initiated a small conversation to find out what had been going on for a week, Tomas set aside the tension and began to provide him with a summary of recent events. Kuai Liang observed his brother’s eyes light up and an small smile grace his face as he spoke about you. Despite appreciating Tomas’s strength in choosing to trust you, Kuai Liang couldn’t shake the bitter pain of the possibility of leaving wreckage in its wake. Collecting the pieces was becoming increasingly difficult, and this time, the prospect of there being any pieces left to gather was doubtful.

As time passed and the sun set, casting colorful lights across the cityscape outside the window, Kuai Liang felt his body slowly begin to ache. His joints felt as though there was no cartilage between them, his mouth was dry, and his eyes burned. A throbbing headache started to pulse at his temples, while a wave of dizziness washed over him, causing him to sway unsteadily for a moment. Tomas, too, rubbed his eyes, indicating that he was experiencing similar symptoms.

“How many hours has she been gone?” Kuai Liang asked as he left the room, with Tomas trailing behind him.

“Four or five hours, I think.”

He found Bi-Han standing up and scratching his arms almost to the point of bleeding, Kuai Liang called out to him to stop. Bi-Han, however, seemed oblivious to his surroundings. For some reason, Bi-Han was the most sensitive among them. While Kuai Liang and Tomas could endure their master’s absences for a while, Bi-Han almost lost his mind during those times. The icy force that cocooned him decayed, and when faced with the outside world, Bi-Han couldn’t adapt to the change in temperature, causing his skin to painfully burn.

“Bi-Han! You have to stop before you hurt yourself,’’ Kuai Liang urged as he grabbed one of Bi-Han’s wrists and tried to pull him out of the trance. Bi-Han, lost in his agitation, initially didn’t register Kuai Liang’s presence, snarling like a wild animal and glaring with a crazed look in his eyes. Undeterred, Kuai Liang maintained his calm demeanor and tried again, ‘’You’re hurting yourself brother. You have to stop.’’

With a blink, Bi-Han snapped out of his trance, wrenching his wrist from Kuai Liang’s grip with force as he regained his composure, cursing angrily.

‘’Where the hell has this damn woman disappeared to? She should have been here hours ago!’’.

“This is the first time this has happened,” Tomas intervened, approaching them with a nervous look on his face. “Could something have happened to her?”

Kuai Liang had considered this possibility as well. If you were truly as kind-hearted as Tomas claimed, your intention couldn’t have been to cause them suffering, even if you knew they would be weakened by your absence. He knew that Tomas struggled to adapt to the outside world after emerging from the book, and Bi-Han would have been incapable of going out to search for you in that state, likely resorting to attacking someone or causing further harm to himself.

‘’I’ll go look after her, you stay here.’’ Ultimately, Kuai Liang decided it was best for him to handle the situation himself.

‘’I’m going with you too,’’ Tomas insisted.

‘’No, you stay with Bi-Han. It’s better that he’s not alone in this state.’’

‘’I’m not a cripple-‘’ Bi-Han began, but his words trailed off as the front door swung open. All three turned towards the door as you entered, raincoat soaked and holding a wet paper bag in one hand while the other seemed to conceal something under your raincoat. As your presence instantly offered them relief, Bi-Han lunged forward, bypassing any attempts to stop him, and positioned himself next to you, his stance emitting threatening signals from all sides.

‘’Where the hell have you been?’’ he demanded, leaning in closer. As Bi-Han cornered you, Kuai Liang moved to intervene with Tomas, while you attempted to explain yourself with a nervous, agitated tone. Startled by the tension, the paper bag slipped from your hand and fell to the ground.

‘‘I’m so sorry! On my way back, I found this kitten.” you said. Opening the front of your raincoat, you revealed the tiny feline tucked inside. Its meowing broke the tension as its head emerged. Tomas and Kuai Liang flanked Bi-Han, their attention captured by the small, pitiful-looking kitten. With a completely black body, its fur contrasted sharply with the white around its gray eyes and the pink tip of its nose. Its ears stood erect atop its small head.

‘’It was on the side of the road, its mother had been hit by a car, and its siblings had also perished. I discovered it nestled among them, trying to find warmth. I couldn’t leave it there,” you explained, your voice soft with compassion.

Bi-Han scoffed, “You have no livelihood, and your house is too small for all of us to fit in. As if all this wasn’t enough, are you going to try to take care of a fleabag now?’’ Despite his bother’s harsh and offensive words, the kind expression on your face while caring for the kitten remained unchanged.

“I will be its foster home. When it gets well enough, it’ll go to its real family.”

Bi-Han glanced at you briefly, muttering, “Whatever,” before pivoting on his heels and retreating to the living room. Tomas came up to you, giving you a little kiss on the top of your head and stroking the kitten that was perched on your lap. Relief washed over his face after he confirmed that you hadn’t suffered any harm.

“Are you going to give her a name?” he asked curiously.

“Yes, because it feels strange in my head to constantly call it ‘kitten.’ Does anyone have any ideas?” When your gaze turned to both of them, Kuai Liang remained silent, captivated by your image. Your cheeks and the tip of your nose were flushed from the rain outside, your skin and hair wet, and a sincere smile hidden on your face that touched his heart. You looked painfully innocent standing there with the kitten in your lap, a different image from the masters of the other book he had encountered so far.

“How about the name of that actor we watched last time?” Said Tomas, as he continued to stroke the kitten’s chin. The kitten’s eyes were closed in happiness, emitting loud purrs that reverberated through its tiny body, indicating how much it enjoyed being petted.

“Johnny Cage?” A small laugh poured from your lips. Kuai Liang tried not to dwell on how sweet and addictive your laugh had an air. “I’m sorry, but I think it’s a lady, Tomas. Oh, I found it! How about Ninja? She is a warrior just like you guys.”

“We are not ninjas,” Kuai Liang couldn’t help himself but chuckle at your suggestion. “But because the fur around her eyes is white, it looks like she’s wearing a mask. Ninja is actually not a bad name.”

“Yes, it suits her.”

“Good, then from now on your name is Ninja, little one. I couldn’t get the job, but I found you, so I guess it’s a win-win.” you said, stroking the kitten’s head. “I need to wash her thoroughly, she’s too dirty. After that, I’ll start on cooking. Is everyone hungry?”

***

Kuai Liang was completely silent as he looked at the plate you left in front of him. He didn’t really think you were going to make the food he liked.

‘’What’s the matter?’’ Tomas looked at him with sidelong eyes while stuffing a generous amount of morsel into his mouth. ‘‘You haven’t even touched your plate once.’’

‘’Aren’t you hungry?’’ You said in a slightly worried voice. Kuai Liang lifted his gaze from the food in front of him and looked at you. As he met your gaze, he noticed the fatigue evident in your eyes, weariness etched into their corners. Kuai Liang muttered in a voice that sounded foreign to his own ear.

‘’This is jiaozi.’’ He said, as if that cleared everything up.

‘’Yes.’’ You continued to speak despite your statement that you did not understand what he meant. ‘‘I’ve never done it before, so I had to look on the internet a little. Did I do it wrong?’’

Against the innocent question, Kuai Liang found himself confronting a flood of unfamiliar emotions. The last time he ate Jiaozi—also known as Chinese dumplings—was at Lin Kuei, and their father had not yet died. Kuai Liang had always liked eating this food. Normally, eating was more mechanical for him because of his metabolism, and it was an action he needed to do to survive, but he ate this meal completely arbitrarily. Now, years later, seeing this dish in front of him again made him feel nostalgic along with feelings he couldn’t name. Moreover, even though you didn’t know how to make this dish, the fact that you tried just because you knew that he loved it deeply affected him and changed the rhythm of his heart for a moment. For the first time, he felt cared for by someone outside of his family.

‘’No, it looks fine.’’ He said, in a voice that was hard to hear.

‘’Then you better taste it before it gets cold.’’ After Tomas poked him with his shoulder, Kuai Liang picked up one of the dumplings with his chopsticks and put it in his mouth. A contented hum escaped his throat as the flavor he had forgotten instantly flooded his palate, taking him back to his memories.

‘’It’s quite delicious.’’ He said, appreciating your hard work without concealment. ‘‘Thank you.’’

With those words, a genuine smile lit up your face, radiating warmth and sincerity that momentarily stole Kuai Liang’s breath away. He couldn’t help but marvel at the allure you possessed, understanding a little better now why Tomas was drawn to you. Your sincerity and infectious smile had a way of making others believe, effortlessly bridging any gaps in communication. It was easy to forget your role as the owner of the book when you interacted with them so naturally, blurring the lines between master and slave with remarkable ease.

“Great, because I made a pot full of this, it’s nice that you like it.’’ You said with a chuckle. Then you left them for a minute to give Ninja the little plate you had prepared. After you had cleaned and dried Ninja nicely, you released her to explore the house. The kitten had adapted to the environment as easily as if she had been a member of this house for years. There was no indication in her small body that she was afraid of them. In fact, on the contrary, she was constantly chasing Bi-Han as if she was thirsty for his attention. Bi-Han finally couldn’t stand the kitten’s high-pitched meows and chasing after him anymore, so he went into the study and closed the door behind him. Ninja had not left the door since he had entered the room.

‘’Come along, sweet thing, it’s dinnertime.’’

You returned with Ninja on your lap, and when you placed her on the floor and left the food you had prepared in front of her, Ninja completely forgot about Bi-Han and focused on the food in front of her. Kuai Liang slightly stretched out from his seat, watched the kitten eating with a half smile, attacking her food with a great appetite and emitting strange, happy noises.

‘‘If you don’t want to turn into an ice floe, I suggest you don’t follow that grump.’’ said Tomas, swallowing the morsel he was chewing.

‘‘I think he’ll get used to it,’’ your soft voice was tinged with hope as you reached for your own plate. ‘’Who can say no to a cute kitten?’’

‘’Bi-Han, of course.’’ Tomas quipped.

‘’Maybe he can get used to it after spending some time,’’ Kuai Liang said, joining you. ‘’Ninja looks pretty convincing.’’

‘’Isn’t she?’’ Laughing, you raised your own glass of the wine you had opened with the meal. ‘’To Ninja.’’

Tomas and Kuai Liang also chuckled and raised their glasses, clinking them together. As Kuai Liang took a sip of his wine, he felt inexplicably light at that moment, as if the damage that the past years had left on his body and mind had lifted a little, leaving him temporarily free to enjoy the moment. After allowing himself to eat as much as he wanted again, just like in porridge, Kuai Liang once again encountered the strangeness of feeling his stomach full. It didn’t seem like this feeling could get used to for a while longer.

As he lay on the sofa, one hand over his stomach and the other behind his head, many thoughts ran through his mind. They helped you clean up after dinner, and when you retreated to your room after saying that the day was tiring and you couldn’t stand up anymore, Tomas—and of course Ninja—followed you.

Even though he guessed that the two of you were sleeping together, it felt different to witness it. It’s like… it’s like he wanted to be there, in that bed with you, even though he didn’t want to admit it, even though he didn’t want to think about it. There was a kind of jealousy in his feelings this time, rather than his concern for Tomas. He could see how good you were for Tomas, and a part of him longed for that connection too. It was like catching a glimpse of heaven, yet he couldn’t fully embrace it. He both wanted and didn’t want more, the conflict he fell into was incomprehensible even to himself.

Although Kuai Liang couldn’t understand how it happened, his eyes closed after a while, and he found himself facing one of his old memories.

‘’Come here, Kuai Liang.’’

Leilani’s voice was alluring yet toxic as she pulled on the chain attached to his collar, coaxing him into bed. He despised the collar, feeling like a mere animal under her control. Despite his inner protest, he knelt beside her on the satin sheets. A satisfied smile appeared on Leilani’s face as he knelt down.

Kuai Liang was surprised more and more every time how he could have been attracted to this woman once. It was a ridiculous situation to have allowed himself to be deceived so easily; now when he looked, all he saw was nothing more than a venomous snake, dangerous, cruel, and selfish.

‘‘I will host a celebration tomorrow, and some of my most important guests will be in attendance. While Tomas doesn’t have problems getting hard quickly due to his youth, I need someone who can go more than a few rounds. Taming Bi-Han can be tiresome; his stubbornness is often exhausting.” When Leilani grasped his manhood and caressed it with interest, although Kuai Liang maintained his expressionlessness, his skin stretched in disgust. He couldn’t stand the touch of this woman. ‘’You know what I want from you, don’t you? Have no doubt that I will reward you well, Kuai Liang. You know, I keep my word.’’

Kuai Liang wanted to scream, telling her to hold her forked tongue between her teeth to her face. This was almost a need rather than a desire; it had been a long time since her hollow promises had lost their meaning for him. After he remained silent, Leilani pulled the chain harder. With a sudden tightening of his throat, his breath remained congested in his throat, and a muffled sound left his lips.

‘’I cannot hear that you approve of my words,’’ Leilani said, almost hissing. He was clenching his jaw, pressing his teeth together so hard that for a moment he thought they would break under the pressure he was applying. When he managed to say the words, albeit with difficulty, Leilani’s dark green eyes shone with satisfied sparkles.

‘’That is my warrior, always ready to satisfy.’’

As Kuai Liang opened his eyes with a sharp breath, the morning sun greeted him warmly, casting a golden glow across the room. He blinked away the remnants of nightmare, his hand instinctively reaching to brush aside the strands of hair that had fallen across his face during the night. When he heard the front door click, he opened one eye and turned towards the door, only to find you there, looking slightly guilty as if caught in the act.

“Good morning. Did I wake you up again?” you asked in a whispering voice.

“No, I’ve just woken up,” Kuai Liang replied, his brow furrowing slightly as he noticed your attire. “Are you going somewhere?”

“I need to buy cat litter and food for Ninja. Would you like to accompany me? It won’t take long.” you offered. Thinking it would be beneficial to get some fresh air and distance himself from the walls that surrounded him, Kuai Liang accepted your invitation. Since he was already warm enough, he didn’t bother to grab any additional clothing, knowing that none of your clothes would fit him anyway. As you walked out of the apartment together, he took a deep breath, relishing the scent of the earth after last night’s rain. The clean smell soothed his heart, which had been beating irregularly, and the act of stepping outside helped to ease his tense muscles and nerves.

“Did you sleep well?”

Kuai Liang decided to be honest in his response, knowing he shouldn’t hide the truth from you. His expression clearly conveyed that he hadn’t slept well, and there was no point in pretending otherwise.

“No, I usually have nightmares quite often. So even though I can sleep, I can’t say it’s ‘good,’” he admitted.

Your face softened under the morning sun, your caring gaze causing his heart to flutter. Your words were laced with sadness, mirroring the same emotion in your eyes.

“I use aromatherapy candles to help Tomas sleep, and they obviously work. If you want, I can give them to you to help. Maybe they’ll help you relax a little and prevent the nightmares,” you suggested, your voice filled with hope and sincerity. Kuai Liang considered your offer while silently studying you. It wasn’t just the candles that helped Tomas sleep; it was your presence. Your presence brought him peace. But he didn’t voice that sentiment out loud.

“Thank you,” he said finally. “I’d like to try.”

After responding to his answer with a smile, you began to introduce him to the surroundings. As you talked about where you usually shop for groceries and how you like to buy yourself coffee and sweet rolls from the little coffee shop on the corner from time to time, especially when the weather is nice in the nearby park, you take your book and read or go for a walk. With each detail about your everyday life, Kuai Liang felt himself decelerating even more as he listened to you, and the traces of his nightmare were erased from his mind.

As you recounted a funny incident to him, you couldn’t help but chuckle at the memory. You explained how, in the past, you were walking through the park, lost in thought, when suddenly a squirrel darted out from a nearby bush and startled you. Startled, you leaped back in surprise, only to trip over a wayward tree root and land flat on your back, much to the amusement of onlookers nearby.

‘’I hope you didn’t frighten the poor squirrel too much,” Kuai Liang raised an eyebrow, his eyes alight with amusement. It was a feeling he hadn’t experienced in ages—simple, almost childlike, yet undeniably refreshing. He felt free from the weight of his past, not defined by his role as a slave or an assassin at the moment.

‘’Hey, he scared me first. Besides, we’ve already negotiated a peace treaty since then. I even gave him a few nuts as a gesture of goodwill,” you replied, a sweet giggle escaping your lips.

“Ah, so you’re a diplomat as well as… What? A squirrel whisperer?” he quipped, a small, teasing smirk playing at the corners of his lips. A sense of disbelief washed over him—how could he find such joy, effortlessly smiling and laughing, with not a single troubling thought in his head.

You laughed at his response, the sound ringing out joyfully in the quiet street. Kuai Liang found himself captivated by the sight of you, so carefree and full of life. It made you seem so much younger and more beautiful, your eyes sparkling with mirth, your cheeks flushed with laughter. In that moment, he felt a swell of pride, knowing that he could bring such joy to you with just a simple exchange. It was almost magical to witness firsthand, and he couldn’t help but feel grateful for the opportunity to share this moment with you.

“I named him Theodore, after a character from a kids’ movie,” you explained with a smile. “He’s quite a chubby squirrel, but you’ll like him. He’s got quite the personality.”

***

It had been a week and a half since Kuai Liang had ventured out of bed, and during that time, he found himself gradually becoming accustomed to your constant presence. Despite his initial resistance, he couldn’t deny the magnetic pull you seemed to have on him. Every unexpected gesture or interaction only served to deepen his connection to you, making it increasingly difficult for him to maintain his distance.

Despite your respectful boundaries and reluctance to initiate physical intimacy, Kuai Liang couldn’t help but be captivated by the chemistry between you and Tomas. Your gentle exchanges and tender gazes toward his brothers stirred a longing within him, a desire to be a part of the connection you shared. Yet, his past experiences lingered like a shadow, a constant reminder of the risks involved in opening up to vulnerability. So, Kuai Liang found himself silently observing from a distance, still caught between the yearning for connection and the past wounds resurfacing. Though he longed to bridge the gap between himself and the warmth you and Tomas shared, he remained rooted in hesitation, unable to take the leap of faith. Thus, he stayed in the background, watching and wanting, but unable to dare to take action.

Taking a deep breath of the lavender-scented candle that you had left in the room, Kuai Liang tried to relax his body and quiet his mind. With each inhale, the calming scent enveloped him, easing the tension from his muscles and soothing his restless thoughts.

With another breath, he started to ascend into the waiting darkness, his body going lax, mind numbing. Everything smelled of lavender, mingled with the faint scent of you.

“Stand here, Tomas. And you, Bi-Han. Kuai Liang, come forward,” Leilani’s voice rang out within the hall as she positioned them in front of the gathered guests. Tomas stood with a stoic resolve, Bi-Han’s gaze betrayed a mix of defiance and resignation, while his eyes held a glimmer of suppressed rage. Leilani, draped in luxurious attire, circled them like a queen inspecting her subjects.

“Don’t let the youngest brother’s appearance fool you; Tomas is well-behaved and knows exactly how to please his lovers, always eager to satisfy their desires. As for Bi-Han, the eldest, he relishes in taking the dominant role in bed, but he’s also open to relinquishing control when desired. And then there’s Kuai Liang, the middle brother,” Leilani declared with a coy smile. She moved closer to him, her warm breath tickling his neck as she nibbled on his earlobe.

“He’s the feisty one, capable of enduring for hours thanks to his incredible stamina. If you’re looking to extend your pleasure beyond a couple of rounds, he’s my favorite in that regard,” she murmured seductively. Leilani’s words dripped with temptation, accentuating their prowess in the bedroom as she enticed her guests. The guests murmured amongst themselves, their eyes darting between Leilani and them. Tomas clenched his jaw in silent fury, Bi-Han’s fists tightened at his sides, he remained outwardly stoic, though inwardly he seethed with anger and humiliation.

As Leilani’s hand trailed down his chest, he fought back a grimace, his skin recoiling at her touch. Silently, he masked the turmoil within, but beneath the surface, a fierce determination smoldered—to break free from the chains that bound him to this life of servitude and degradation.

Kuai Liang woke up with a gasp when he heard someone call his name in the distance, feeling a rough wetness on his cheek. As he registered Ninja’s hot breath on his face, he struggled to comprehend the situation. How had he not noticed the kitten climb onto his lap? Ninja meowed, rubbing her little head against his chin, and with her purrs, she nestled herself in the area between his chin and neck, settling down to rest.

‘’Kuai Liang?’’

Hearing your voice nearby, Kuai Liang was careful not to disturb the kitten’s comfort, turning his head slightly to the side and looking at you. Thanks to the city lights outside, he could easily pick out your facial contours. You were on your knees so that you could see him more comfortably, your expression was worried, your eyebrows furrowed as you carefully examined him, wearing an old plush dressing gown.

‘’Are you all right?’’

‘’Have you been watching me?’’ Kuai Liang’s voice sounded so muffled that it seemed foreign and incomprehensible even to his own ears.

‘’No, actually, I came to drink some water. I heard you mumbling, thought you were having a nightmare. That’s why I wanted to wake you up.’’

Before Kuai Liang straightened up, he took Ninja on his lap and leaned his back against the armrest of the couch. He carefully stroked the kitten’s soft head, drawing a deep breath into his lungs. Her body was almost the size of his hand, so small that Kuai Liang was afraid of accidentally hurting the kitten. However, for Ninja, it didn’t seem to matter how big he was; she surrendered herself completely to his touch, content. Her happy purrs filled the silence.

Kuai Liang had never thought that he could be grateful for the existence of a kitten before, but right now, he was more grateful than ever for being distracted. It had alienated him from the imaginary hands and touches that were wandering on his skin.

“Yes,” Kuai Liang said after a while. ‘’I was having nightmares about my past.’’

Upon his answer, you sat down in the single seat opposite him and asked in a polite, even voice that showed you were a little afraid to express it.

‘’Do you want to talk about it?’’

Kuai Liang wanted to dismiss the matter by saying no at first, but then, Tomas’ words echoed in his mind and stopped him.

’I know you don’t trust her, but trust me.’

Kuai Liang thought that he was smart enough not to make the same mistake a second time. Until this moment. Something inside him, a feeling, an impulse, or whatever it was, whispered that he could trust you. Even though it seemed stupid, Kuai Liang wanted to try it. Maybe he hadn’t fully recovered from his nightmare yet, maybe he was aware of everything, contrary to the fact that he was fooling himself, and he still wanted to do it. Regardless of the reason, they all came to the same conclusion in the end.

‘’Her name was Leilani. She was the sixteenth owner of the book.’’

Kuai Liang spoke in a tone of voice that only you could hear. He could imagine the reactions his brothers would have if they heard him mention Leilani, and he didn’t feel healthy and in control enough to deal with them right now. His emotions and thoughts were everywhere; the thing that held him together was the tiny kitten on his lap and your presence, keeping him calm.

“Leilani was a sorceress who lived in the Outworld lands, not particularly powerful but was well known and had important connections throughout Outworld. The book had reached her through a merchant.’’ Kuai Liang said, despite his body convulsing with tension as he resurfaced those memories, he continued. When he mentioned that she had an approach that set her apart from other masters, that she might even find a solution to this curse like you, he watched your expression clash with a mix of surprise and resentment. From what he gathered from your reaction, Tomas had briefed you on what happened.

Despite the tension coursing through his body, the words flowed easily from his lips, one by one. When he reached the part about how Leilani won their trust, you remained as still as a statue. Leilani had always been kind and overly generous to them, until she revealed her true colors. She indulged their desires, bought them separate gifts, and made sure they were satisfied. It wasn’t difficult for them to believe her, as it was the first time someone had approached them like this since they were sealed inside the book. However, from that moment on, Leilani underwent a complete transformation. Now that she knew she had their trust, she began to play a different game with them.

No master had ever bothered to toy with their hopes before; typically, it was just orders and dark desires to be fulfilled. But for Leilani, playing with their hopes was more enjoyable than giving orders. She claimed to have found a way to save them from the curse, starting with seemingly harmless requests. At first, neither he nor his brothers were bothered by these small tasks. However, as the requests began to erode their pride, they realized the truth: Leilani was playing with them like a cat with a mouse. There was no freedom, no guarantee that her promises would be fulfilled—it was all just part of her game.

Especially when parties were held, it was the time that Leilani enjoyed the most. She liked to humiliate them in front of everyone, to highlight their weaknesses, which she knew very well, to announce that they were the deadliest assassins of a noble clan before, but now they were love slaves, to see them used as objects.

‘I know Tomas doesn’t like the dark; you wouldn’t want me to lock your brother in a room with no light for a week, would you?’

‘I discovered by chance last week that Bi-Han has a lot of sensitivity to my absence. You don’t want me to test how much longer he can stand it, do you Kuai Liang? Be a good slave and follow my orders.’

‘So the famous assassins of Lin Kuei… to come to this point now must be quite crushing your pride. You are nothing more than an object waiting to be used for my desires and nothing more.’

‘Remember who holds the power here, who controls your fate.’

As Leilani’s laughter rang in his mind, at one point when he ran out of words and had nothing more to tell, a silence fell over the room. Kuai Liang was surprised that he had told so much; obviously, he had not expected himself to perform like this. While he was trying to digest that, you suddenly filled his vision and hugged him tightly without crushing Ninja. Kuai Liang remained motionless, his body stiffening as his muscles reflexively contracted. But when he felt hot tears on his shoulder, his whole system was turned upside down.

‘‘Are you crying?’’ He said in an incredulous voice.

‘‘Yes, I- oh my, I’m sorry. Just give me a second, please.’’ When you just stood there without taking your head out of your hiding place, Kuai Liang remained motionless. He could have easily got out of your grip if he wanted, but your touch relaxed him in a way he hadn’t expected and made him feel… good. Your hug was sincere, caring, and full of emotion. His arms moved before his brain, hugging you in the same way; he gently pressed your body to his, feeling your soft and tender touch against his own hard-contoured body. Kuai Liang involuntarily inhaled the clean scent rising from your skin that touched his nose and felt his body relax a little more with the air filling his lungs.

At that exact moment, Ninja squealed because she was stuck between you, and when you both startled and recoiled, the kitten jumped straight from his lap to the ground.

‘’I’m sorry, my friend,’’ said Kuai Liang, apologetically trying to stroke the kitten’s head. ‘’I forgot for a moment that you were there.’’

Fortunately, Ninja seemed to have accepted his apology, allowing her head to be stroked. Then, as she caught the tassels of the carpet on the floor and jumped on them, Kuai Liang’s gaze was fixed on you.

Tears were still flowing softly from your eyes, your expression was so sad that Kuai Liang’s heart contracted with pain at the sight of you, the need to be able to put a smile on your face overwhelmed him. Taking your face between his palms, he asked in a gentle voice. Whenever he touched you, he felt a tingling sensation, like a harmless but enticing spark.

“Why are you crying?”

“I am so angry,” you replied, your voice carrying a mix of harshness and innocence. “I feel such a need to hurt someone for the second time.”

“Who’s the first?”

“Quan Chi,” you said in one breath, attempting to wipe away the tears. Kuai Liang stopped you, his calloused fingertips gently caressing your delicate skin. It felt natural, as if breathing. Even with Leilani, he had never felt such closeness. Was this what Tomas meant?

“Now I understand better why you don’t want to trust. How can a person trust again after all this? This is so cruel.” Kuai Liang felt his heart soften towards you, seeing the tears you shed for them. Neither Leilani nor anyone else felt sorry for them, shed tears, or got angry on their behalf in this way. Frankly, as of now, it didn’t even feel right to compare you to others. Kuai Liang reflected on the stark difference in your empathy and care compared to their previous experiences. “I will help you as much as I can, Kuai Liang. I told Tomas, but I want you to hear and know, too, that I will never lie to you like I have found a solution and play with your hopes. I don’t expect you to believe this, of course, but I want you to know.”

“Thank you,” Kuai Liang said sincerely. “It’s very rare for Tomas to trust someone other than us. I can see you’re good for him. It’s enough for me that you keep this up, he deserves to be happy more than enough.”

“You all deserve it,” you said with a slight reproach in your voice, but your gaze remained loving and sad. “I know how precious this is. I’ll keep it safe with me, and I promise to keep you all safe as well. I won’t let any harm come to you again. Although I haven’t been able to find a solution for the curse right now, at least I can offer you this safe space for now.”

Kuai Liang felt his heart melt completely, enveloped in a warmth so sweet and soft it felt like an embrace. His gaze shifted to your hand, where a scar marred the otherwise delicate skin of your palm. As he gently clasped your hand and cradled it in his own, his fingers traced the faint outline of the scar. He couldn’t still grasp the idea that you had hurt yourself for their sake. When his hand slipped to your wrist and he planted a tender kiss on the palm of your hand, he heard a broken breath escape you.

“You are a good person,” Kuai Liang said, the words coming out of his lips as if he was reassuring himself. Although it was ridiculous that he had fallen into the same situation as Tomas now, despite advising caution, Kuai Liang felt his walls crumbling with every passing second. He was tired of constantly protecting himself, erecting barriers around his heart, and remaining on guard. Battling all his life had left him exhausted, and now, despite the fire within him, Kuai Liang longed for a moment of respite, a chance to calm his body and clear his confused mind. And the solution was only a few breaths away.

You didn’t employ fancy words like Leilani, nor did you shower them with flashy gifts or overwhelm them with compliments. You didn’t exude dominance or pose a silent threat with your presence. There were no orders or rules; in short, you were unlike any master or people they had encountered before. Your speech was naive, your presence harmless, and though your financial situation might not have been affluent, your heart was undeniably generous. You sought to make them as comfortable as possible, ensuring they were full and now even opening your doors to a kitten.

When his gaze shifted to the supposed kitten, he saw Ninja lying a little further away, on her back, her round stuffed belly in clear view. A chuckle escaped his lips at the sight.

“Cats can tell if a person has good intentions or not,” he said, backing up his earlier words. When your attention shifted to Ninja like his, your small genuine laugh filled the room.

“So Ninja played a part in you coming to this conclusion, did she?”

“I can’t deny that Tomas had an influence on this, though not as much as Ninja.” Kuai Liang admitted.

“Just them?” you asked, your expression a bit playful, but mostly covered with a timidity that showed you were still unsure of his reaction. Kuai Liang felt his heart tremble with the look of you.

Before answering, he gently touched your hair with one hand, his fingers moving between the tufts, appreciating the sensation of freedom from any constraints. The label of “slave” had been with him for so long that he had forgotten what it meant to behave like a normal person. As his hand moved from your hair to your soft cheek, you didn’t flinch away. Instead, when you leaned into his touch, just like a cat, Kuai Liang’s heart swelled with the burgeoning interest he was starting to feel towards you.

‘‘How is it possible that I can ignore your influence,’’ Kuai Liang said in a voice filled with awe. ‘‘You’re like a dream I never expected to come true.’’

With his words, your expression softened so much that while tears glistened in your eyes again, the most loving smile settled on your beautiful face that he had ever seen. Then, as if something dawned on you, you chuckled wetly, a sign that you were about to cry.

‘‘Tomas had predicted this would happen,’’ you said.

‘‘How so? Did you both plan this?’’

Against the pure curiosity in his voice, you let out another giggle. Then, as you shook your head from side to side, meaning no, you placed one hand on his cheek and gently stroked his skin with your thumb. In that moment, the question marks in Kuai Liang’s head became silent.

‘‘It’s just your brother knows you too well,’’ When the look on your flushed face and shy gaze landed on his lips, Kuai Liang felt his heart quicken and his body fill with anticipation. You asked with a feather soft voice, ‘‘May I kiss you?’’

Instead of answering, Kuai Liang inclined his head, finding your lips without hesitation. With a sigh, you welcomed him, lips parting in acceptance as he drew you closer, his other hand gently encircling your waist. The kiss was slow, unhurried, and tender, as if time stood still and belonged only to them. Your tenderness shook the walls around Kuai Liang even more deeply than before. It was as if you feared hurting him, a sensation he had never experienced, let alone kissed with such care. His heart pounded with a fierce rhythm, ignited by a wild protective instinct.

You were a unique presence, offering a glimpse of the man he once was, a rarity he had never encountered before. In return, Kuai Liang longed to learn every facet of you, to etch even the smallest details into his memory. ‘This must be what they call addiction,’ he thought. This was the only way he could best describe the effect you had on him.

As your body touched his, your fingers gently entwining between his long black hair, and your eyes closed in trust, Kuai Liang found himself experiencing a feeling he had never tasted before. It was more than an instant sensation; it hit him like a slap and shook his very existence. It felt like completion. You were filling a part of himself that he didn’t even know was missing. You were the hope he dared not embrace, the goodness that remained pure in a world of ugliness. Being able to touch you was a lifeline, anchoring him to reality and reminding him that this was really happening, that you were here, on his lap, between his arms.

When Kuai Liang kissed you with a deeper, awakening passion, you didn’t resist. Instead, you put your arms around his neck, your grip soft and yielding, showing once again that you left the choice to him rather than demanding more. You were simply there, touching him, and it was clear from everything that you were content with just that.

He wanted to laugh at Tomas for knowing him better than he knew himself, but a strange lump formed in his throat, making it difficult to swallow. Part of him felt tainted by the countless bodies he had touched, as if no matter how much he scrubbed his skin clean, he could never rid himself of the imaginary hands that had touched, grasped, clawed, and caressed him. Lips that kissed and bit him, leaving their forever mark. Thus, he felt as though he had stained you by touching you. But the selfish, hungry part of him, which brought to the surface all the forgotten feelings, was more dominant; he wanted you. And because he had chosen to open his heart for the first time, he wanted to believe that you would keep it safe, as you promised.

Perhaps this time, there was no need for him to protect his heart behind its walls.

[bf-rally]

felt like i was going crazy yesterday trying to set up a login system for this website 😭 it was like i was back in college again!

[sysmedsaresexist]

Sorry if this is annoying/you have been asked this already but we have been seeing more and more posts trying to deny that Alters/headmates are separate people and that they are actually just you but separated by amnesia barriers.

it’s very confusing to us since we have OSDD 1 and view ourselves as distinctly different people just inhabiting the same body

is that wrong of us to think? (We also get confused since a lot of said posts say it’s “scientifically accurate” but we have checked the DEM multiple times and talked to our therapist and we can’t seem to find where it says that headmates can’t be separate people)

I actually haven't been asked this in a long time.

First off, the "amnesia barriers" thing is an AI talking shit about nothing in Google results. It's inaccurate, and I wish it would go away. Dissociative barriers are not only caused by amnesia, and the result of them is not always amnesia, but that's me being pissy.

Now, as for how people view themselves.

You do you, boo ❤️

Fuck the haters.

I'm going to explain this as simply as possible. This is a very general overview.

The ToSD asserts that no one is born with an integrated sense of self. During normal, uninterrupted development, childrens' action and defense systems begin to cohesively work together to create... The person you would become, I suppose. You learn to prioritize your needs and wants and create plans for yourself using a cohesive set of thoughts. For example, you're hungry but also need a shower. Your experiences have shaped you to prioritize and perform actions in certain ways. Some people will eat first, then shower, some will shower first and eat second. And these decisions are influenced by the totality of all of your experiences.

In CDDs, these action systems become separated-- dissociated away, not hidden by amnesia. If your parents were particularly cruel around food, you may have pushed those needs away, and that action system develops within itself, beginning its own prioritization process. In many cases, we lose access to those systems, and they no longer play a normal part in our decision-making.

For many, we don't have any access to those parts that we originally rejected. Some parts become alters, some parts are just fragments, but we struggle to cohesively and strategically place those needs in our day to day lives. We struggle to communicate with those parts. They have drastically different wants and needs and priorities, and access to their own unique coping skills (that may or may not be good for the system as a whole).

At any given time, we only have full, cohesive access to parts of our lives, skills, techniques, needs, thoughts, the list keeps going.

This is "parts of a whole."

This is what parts language is.

It's what I believe and it's what's helped my system.

This does not have anything to do with how autonomous or individualized alters can become, how separate, how they view themselves.

Some people relate much more heavily to this particular framework, some can understand but don't like it applied to them, some don't feel it applies at all to their system.

It's a mechanism of how CDDs develop, and within this framework, you can use whatever language you prefer. Not all parts work is parts focused. Alters can see themselves as their own people, they can wish for their own lives and dream of having their own body. Therapists can and do empathize with these feelings, and they play no part in the success or failure of treatment.

Are you all working together to stay alive and keep out of jail? Does your whole system understand they share a body?

Yes? Great, you're good to go. Use whatever language feels right.

We are parts, but we're also people within our own rights, and that's okay.

It's a huge framework. Explore it.

[sempersirens]

the fig tree | rotten

pairing: therapist!joel x f!reader

warnings: 18+ mdni. discussion of heavy and potentially triggering topics such as sa, self-harm, infertility, various mental illnesses, self-hatred and drug use. these topics are only mentioned and do not occur in real-time.

chapter summary: a twenty-something, seemingly lost cause, meets her match in the form of psychotherapist: dr. joel miller.

dividers by @saradika-graphics

updates: @sempersirenswrites

series masterlist

Maybe it was time to accept you were never as good as you'd always thought you'd been.

For four long years, you had spent most of your waking hours dissecting epic poetry and papyrology.

Still, the most your degree had done for you was rouse a satisfying disappointment from your mother’s side of the family when they realised you weren’t actually going to be that kind of doctor.

Not to say such in a self-deprecation; you hardly suffered from any semblance of an imposter syndrome. Your mother used to frequently remind you that you were far too vain to not believe in yourself.

It was more of a philosophical framework. Platonic realism. Knowing your muted beauty could earn you a free drink from below-average men who felt their trousers tighten when you addressed them through your eyelashes.

But it wasn't an obvious enough beauty for the attention of the men you imagined exchanging bodily fluids with between stops on the underground.

Besides, you had been a student of Classical Studies; a degree that doesn’t require the intellectual strain of learning Latin or Ancient Greek. The inclusive way for people like you, having attended a run-down state-funded school, to get a glimpse into the Bullingdon boys' and grammar schoolgirls’ fallback plans.

It wasn't even that you disliked Classics; you'd borderline gotten off on reading plays written by men about wicked women; but that was because the brilliant women were always the wicked ones.

You particularly enjoyed the assumptions men made about the female condition – how women were too wet, too porous; couldn’t keep their wombs from wandering. And assumptions they were. No Greek physician ever sliced a woman from chin to cunt to confirm their hypotheses. Although, ancient men hadn't been all too familiar with the insides of a woman anyway.

Sometimes, you thought you would quite simply die if you were reduced to only understanding people through your assumptions of them.

It was just that you could never stop thinking about what people thought. It was all you could ever think about. You wanted to peel people's skulls apart and scream at their horribly grey frontal lobe:

Are you ok? Have I done something to upset you? Do you still love me? Do I look like someone that has been raped? Do you think that girl we just walked past has a firmer ass than me? Do you like my new bangs?

For a short period of time, you'd been desperate to know how your therapist felt and thought of you. There is a sick irony in baring your bones to a stranger in the reclined chair opposite you who never even takes off their cardigan.

You needed to know if your traumas made him sad, or if he saw things that made him think of you outside of your sessions. You supposed he both pitied and admired you in a twisted, surrogate-daughter kind of way.

Then again, he probably wouldn’t have been a very good therapist did he not pity his clients.

At one point you thought you might be in love with him.

You'd met weekly in his high-ceiling office on a busy street. It was a romantic setting to unload twenty-four years of trauma to a kind man wearing a knitted cardigan. The sun would peak through clouds and shine onto the both of you through two large windows, between which sat a Japanese peace lily.

You soon realised he was just the first man to let you speak uninterrupted.

You spoke at him mostly, finishing observations that had been years in the making with “Does that make sense?” Even though you knew it made sense. You were certain, actually, that everything you had articulated came from somewhere deeper inside of you than any man could reach. You just couldn't leave it hanging there like an exposed nerve.

Maybe it was because he didn't speak much that you liked him. Sometimes he would offer anecdotes or remedies for PTSD-induced panic attacks that you both knew you would never use.

In most sessions, you had simply basked in the divinity of being listened to. You wondered if this was how devout Catholics like your grandmother felt at confession, or perhaps it was how all of your ex-boyfriends had felt.

You weren't even particularly attracted to him. He had been ten years older than you, and when your sessions first began, you'd been casually fucking someone a year older than him – but he didn't need to know that.

There were a lot of things you'd decided he didn't need to know. Like the fact you snorted cocaine until your nose bled, sliced into your thighs a couple of evenings a week, and let men use your body to masturbate as a feeble attempt to reclaim your sexuality - as if it had ever been anyone's for the taking.

Had he known the dirtier parts of your life, you feared he would have crossed out the word victim in his black Moleskin notebook and replaced it with bystander.

Maybe he would think you were a pathological liar and diagnose you with a personality disorder. This was something you'd been warned about by the first friend you had made at university.

“My mother is a therapist, you know. Don’t tell them you cut yourself or that you’ve told anyone you cut yourself – they’ll diagnose you with BPD.”

“But I’ve told you.”

“Trust me. They’ll put you on an SSRI and you’ll never be able to orgasm again.”

You were freshly eighteen and had never had a real orgasm anyway, but this terrified you enough to reel in your catalogue of symptoms for the GP appointment you had scheduled later that day.

In the end, you'd buckled and sobbed as the doctor sat adjacent to you. You didn’t mention the self-harming or the suicidal thoughts, but did tell her that you didn’t know where to go from here.

She'd slid a leaflet from the university's self-help website across the table before pushing her chair back and motioning toward the door.

“Call 999 if things get worse," she had said. "But let’s just hope it doesn’t get to that point. A&E is very overwhelmed at the moment.”

So you got on with it. Boats against the current, or whatever. You made the hurt so small and buried it so deep within you and swore you'd never let anyone get close enough to pick at the stray thread to your undoing.

And for a little while it worked. You became what you knew you should be; you presented your face for fucking and never let the door slam on your way out.

These days, you'd felt as though you were slowly becoming rotten.

It started on the surface; a bizarre case of adult acne that no dermatologist could diagnose for love nor money. Blood tests, topical steroids, antibiotics, potentially-baby-deforming drugs. You tried them all to little avail. In the end, it was simply the passing of time that had rid you of the rot.

Next, it had been your womb. Decomposing from the inside out. Your body had made the decision for you that goodness couldn't form in your guts.

The final straw had, embarrassingly, been your heart.

You hated to say it aloud. So much so that you hadn't. But it had been a quiet promise of yours; one you'd kept quietly close to your chest - that your suffering would never turn you ugly.

But here you were, alone and swearing at the wind, the rage beneath your skin growing like a tumour.

You hated it.

You hated yourself.

You hated that you were angry but had never been taught how to be angry, because anger wasn't a pretty emotion; it was one that should be starved and kept in the corner of your wardrobe to rot like black mould.

So here you stood: before a Victorian townhouse with your scarf furiously fighting the wind, droplets of rain threatening your freshly straightened hair, scanning various names scrawled on the building's buzzer.

S. PHYSIOTHERAPY

A & R SOLICITORS

J. MILLER PSYCHOTHERAPY

You bit the inside of your cheek and ducked further into the doorway, pressing the buzzer for the last option.

A voice had answered quicker than you'd anticipated, soon followed by a harsh buzz of the intercom.

"Come on up."

Dr. Miller's office was on the third floor.

You huffed, struggling with the combination of the stairs and attempting to wrangle your wet coat from your back. Amidst your struggle, you hear a door open somewhere above you, followed by a couple of soft and slow footsteps.

Your chin instinctively lifted toward the source of the noise, feet carrying you round and round the spiral staircase.

Light poured around his silhouette from the window behind him. It was ridiculous, actually. The sight was almost holy.

Neither of you spoke as you made your way up toward him. You felt as though you were on your knees beneath him, transfixed in supplication.

The sleeves of his blue cotton shirt were haphazardly pushed up just before his elbows, arms outstretched and fingers wrapped around the wooden bannister.

You were supposed to be actually trying with this one, not fantasising about the ways the veins in his arms probably bulged with his hand around your throat.

After being politely let go by your previous therapist, you'd promised yourself that the colleague he'd recommended to you, Dr. Miller, would be the one to fix you for good.

"Hello." He nodded, not quite managing a smile.

He reached a hand toward you, which you shook with the little strength left in your body.

"Hello." You tried your best to imitate his stoic cadence, your hand still tightly in his.

You let him break the handshake first, playing a petulant, one-sided game to see how quick he would be to scare.

"After you." He gestured to the room behind him. "Take a seat wherever you feel most comfortable."

"If there is any cowboy paraphernalia in that room I am not paying for this session."

"Excuse me?" His eyebrows knitted together, no sign of humour registering on his face.

"Your accent - it was a joke. I mean, I paid already anyway." You fumbled your words awkwardly. "Jokes are always much funnier when you explain them."

He cocked his head slightly. Hesitant to embarrass yourself further, you saw yourself into his office.

The room was dim for a space endowed with Victorian-style floor-to-ceiling windows. It felt like you could get lost in it, hide away, tuck yourself into a corner and be lost for days.

"I have your notes from Dr. Hughes." He said.

"Anything juicy?" You asked, still surveying the room.

You couldn't put your finger on the specifics of his scent, but it was familiar; like passing a man in the street wearing the same aftershave as your father, or a boyfriend you hadn't seen for years.

"I'd like to figure that out myself."

You'd eventually settled on the armchair positioned opposite his own.

You had briefly wondered if this was a test, that he would be psychoanalysing whether you chose the armchair or the adjacent sofa.

Maybe you'd failed already.

For the majority of the session, you'd gone through the necessary motions of admin, confidentiality, and what you eventually wanted to get out of therapy.

"I don't have the ability to fix you, y'know that right?" His question had caught you off guard.

"I know that." You'd replied meekly.

"It's just, I don't know what kind of promises Dr. Hughes made you. We trained together, you see. He had always been more, how do I put this, hopeful than I am."

"Oh wow. Forty minutes into our first session and you're already hopeless?" You were only partly joking.

"I'm a big believer in transparency, and I can see you were meeting on and off for a few years. I'm just intrigued as to what your end goal here is."

You bit down on your cheek, swallowing the ember of rage that was burning in your throat.

"Do you think I do this for fun? Carve out an hour a week to relive my deepest, darkest traumas?"

"Not at all. I just find it interesting that after almost three years of therapy, you still can't use the word rape. You've referred to it as the thing that happened four times already."

The rot crept up your throat, threatening to pour out of your mouth and fill the room with the ugliness that grew inside of you.

"What is this, some kind of tough love therapy?" You scoffed. Was he trying to get a rise out of you?

"It can be whatever you want it to be."

He was kind of annoying, actually.

The two of you sat in silence, defiantly holding eye contact with one another to see who would be the first to break. And when he finally spoke, it was more of a statement than a question.

"That's time. I'll see you at the same time next week."

"How are you so sure I'll come back?"

He smiled for the first time that afternoon.

"I'm not."

[trans-axolotl]

I think the reason psychosis is always viewed as a crisis by non-schizo effected people is cause neurotypical people are always told and believe that an episode of psychosis is the most terrifying thing that could happen. Like at least from my experience, descriptions, talks, and depictions of psychosis is AS something that's deathly scary to not know (and assumably never again know) what's real and what isn't, some depictions showing any episodes as worse than death. Like obviously that's not true but it stays with people; the telling of "it's the worst thing that could ever happen everytime" and definitely made the first few times I dealt with psychosis and hallucinations a lot worse and a lot scarier

yeah! so much of the messaging around psychosis and schizophrenia is so fucking dangerous because of the way it continually reinforces these ideas that psychosis is always terrifying, life-ending, and the worst case scenario. like that can have materially dangerous impacts on the lives of people living with psychosis/altered states. i think that kind of stigmatizing messaging about psychosis really demobilizes people in our communities and convinces people that they don't have the capability to support their loved ones with psychosis, and instead creates this idea that "professionals" are the only ones who could ever actually support someone through psychosis. and that leads to so much more forced institutionalization, pathologization, violence towards people experiencing psychosis, and just really a lack of the kind of proactive community support that could actually help prevent some kinds of crisis and distress.

i think it also makes it really hard for us, when we start experiencing psychosis/altered states for the first time, because there's really no framework for us to understand and cope with our experiences beyond just "this is the worst thing ever and there's no options for me." i think it creates a lot of forced shame and secrecy, as well as pushing a lot of us into more intense crisis because we have nowhere to go to get support. and like, when you google this half the shit that comes up tells you to call 911 immediately, and when you're someone who can't do that because it's dangerous for you, you're just left with no fucking options or getting pushed into treatment options that don't respect your autonomy.

i wish there was a lot more recognition that psychosis/altered states are something that can happen to anyone, and actually do happen to a lot more people to varying degrees and in different contexts. that psychosis is something that it is possible to live fulfilling and meaningful lives with. that you don't need to be an expert to support someone living with psychosis/altered states. and that there is so many ways of living with psychosis, and that antipsychotics and therapy are not the only options, and should never be a forced option. i also have so many thoughts about how desperately we need informed consent for antipsychotic medications and how fucking mad i am about the amount of information that is withheld from psychotic people about the side effects of our meds, the withdrawal experience, dosages, other options, etc etc etc.

anyway i just really recommend that everyone, whether you're someone who experiences psychosis/altered states or not, learns more about psychosis and do the work to challenge all these internalized myths we learn from society and the psych system. i highly recommend checking out the hearing voices network, and also really recommend Project LETS anticarceral altered states training to learn more ways to help support yourself and your loved ones.

thanks for this ask, i really agree with what you're saying!

[hunnymisworld]

How Haikyuu Characters would respond to you:

When you ask them for help in making the homework.

SFW | Fluff | Crack | Short AU

N E K O M A VER.

[ READ ME FIRST ]

C O N T E X T: You are a 1st year transfer student in Nekoma HIgh and you've already adjusted to your new environment as well as the new people you met whom you made friends with. You were having a hard time with a homework and decided to ask for help in your fellow classmates/seniors.

KUROO TETSURO

INTIMIDATING (he's smart and he's the captain of the vball team - WBK)

You hesitate to approach him because of his usual sly/serious facial expression.

He noticed you were trying to approach him so to your surprise he approached you instead.

"Hi Y/n, i see you've been looking at me and hesistating about something, is there something i can help you with?"

You shyly told him that you were struggling with chemistry homework and he didn't think twice in helping you.

"Sure! Here, let me see. I'll read it first then i'll explain it to you."

You see him nodding and humming as he scan through the pages of your notebook.

Believe it or not WITHIN 5 MINS. he suddenly closed the notebook and said "Alright, i see what your homework is about. Sit here beside me, i'll show you" while showing you a wide warm smile.

Mans a VISUAL LEARNER (he asked if it was okay for him to write on the back of your notebook - ofc you said yes)

He draws and writes things on the back of your note book and literally creates a framework guide for you to understand the concept of the lesson.

"Do you understand it better now?" (he won't mind to go over it again)

You easily understood what he taught you and you were amazed by how this man just made it easy like that. (Yes, effortlessly like that)

You thanked him and offered something to give him but he stopped you from there.

"No need y/n, I'm glad i was able to help you. Really, i mean it. You don't have to give anything" (but if you insist, i bet you he would agree eating ice cream with you after class - he ofc brings Kenma with him)

"If you're struggling with any homework, you can ask me or ask kenma. No worries, glad to be of help."

YOU ACED THE HOMEWORK!

KENMA KOZUME

Didn't notice you at first cause he's busy playing video games.

"Oh Y/n, sorry i was kinda busy- what can i do for you?"

He's just sitting there looking up at you, gameboy in hand.

When you told him you were gonna ask for help with regards to the homework (he tried to hide it but he was flustered & flattered that you thought he was THAT good that you asked him for help yourself) he just nodded and offered to take a look at your notebook.

He silently scanned through the pages and after a while he explained the concept to you.

The way he explained it was so detailed that you felt like your brain was overwhlemed with the information but at the same time you learned a lot from him.

"Do you understand the concept now? If not i can send you a file with a complete guide in it. I made it myself, if you need any other notes you can tell me." (he really made NOTES everytime he and kuroo studied cause he doesn't wanna ask kuroo again - best believe this man has COMPLETE notes)

He showed a small smile when you thanked him and you offered to buy him ice cream but he suggested another idea instead "An apple pie would great though, but you don't really have to give me anything. It's alright y/n"

You insisted - you ended up eating apple pie with kenma and he tagged Kuroo along (Kuroo is eating ice cream)

YOU ACED!!!

When you checked your notifications when you got home, he literally ended up sending you ALL OF HIS NOTES. He attached a message saying:

" You're welcome :)"

LEV HAIBA

You didn't have a hard time approaching him, he was approachable - But he was dumbfounded when you asked him about the homework.

"Huh?"

MANS WAS CLUELESS

"What homework?"

You were standing in front of him, (looking up - bc he was TALL) with a blank emotion in your face T.T (you thought to yourself: wDYM YOU DON'T KNOW THERE'S A HOMEWORK?!??!)

You were just in awe that he was clueless standing there (your jaw almost hit the floor) T.T

After a while of him trying to remember the homework, he was SHOCKED "RIGHT! THAT HOMEWORK!"

Asks you how to do it instead T.T

He suggested you both go to Kuroo to get help (HE REALLY SAID SOS T.T)

You both were tutored by Kuroo and both got PERFECT SCORES!! ^^

After that you became chaotic besties fr!! <3

MORISUKE YAKU

You were greeted by him with a warm smile as you approach closer.

"Hey Y/n! How are you?" (a warm ball of sunshine fr)

"I see, alright here let me see that" (HE DIDN'T THINK TWICE)

He scanned through it and let you sit beside him as he was trying to figure out at which part were you having a hard time. (He does not mind if he would go over it all again for a number of times - he would understand)

He explained the concept to you in its simplest form and you thanked him after.

He offered to get ice cream after (HE INSISTED TO PAY FOR IT)

You were flustered, you thought you were the one to buy him ice cream (he disagreed and pain immediately so that you won't pay for it)

P R I N C E S S T R E A T M E N T/?!?!?!

"I noticed you were getting anxious so i offered to eat ice cream to calm your nerves down. Cheer up y/n, you'll get through your 1st year smoothly. If you're having difficulties just message me or tell me okay?"

WORDS OFFF AFFIRMATION?????? COMFORT KING??

Pls he is so caring and a type that would know how to comfort you.

Yes, he offered to be you tutor too (FOR FREE!!!!!!!)

YOU ACED THE HOMEWORK (at this point you can graduate with flying colors bc of how good this man is in mentoring you)

E N D

note: part 2??