#but idk why I'm like this anymore
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
I haven't been on here in forever and quite honestly doubt if anyone I used to talk to really remembers me now. But hello
#bex.txt#i guess i just feel overwhelmed by everything#and i miss coming on here and seeing all of the things i used to enjoy#and have fun reblogging all my kpop#nonsense#like#i never decided that it was time to move on from my interests like kpop or kdramas or anime or bls#i never moved on to different interests or find other hobbies like most people do#i kind of just stopped enjoying anything#ive felt like this for a few years now#helpless depressed anxious listless#i feel like i have no purpose or rhyme or reason to exist#i feel like I'm watching everyone else around me progress or at least have their lives moving in a forward motion#and I'm just kind of stuck in place#and i thought it was because of my old job or my lack of income or my inability to support my family#and i still believe that was a part of it#but idk why I'm like this anymore#why i feel like this and its so frustrating#i want to enjoy things again#anything really but i cant and idk why#even if its not the things i was interested in before#i just want to feel the joy i used to feel#i want to do things and enjoy those things
1 note
·
View note
Text
ok i swear i'm not going to talk about my breakup forever but the thing that just keeps bothering me:
i know that not getting what you need in a relationship is a COMPLETELY valid reason to end it but also. i feel like having a very vulnerable moment where i opened up about my struggles with intimacy and being relieved that i didn't have to keep doing things i wasn't comfortable with, then being dumped a YEAR later because of my lack of intimacy. is something i should be allowed to be very hurt by???
#ramble#sorry i'm currently in a phase of 'of course this happened' and 'oh i deserve this because i didn't give him what he wanted'#like he knew i was grey ace since the start. and he let it go on for SO long after i said i might be vaguely aro as well#if that's a dealbreaker for you bc of your love language then FINE but NIP IT IN THE BUD#he said he put it off because he didn't want to hurt my feelings but it only hurt me MORE#like you're an adult. grow the fuck up and communicate like one#holding your negative feelings in hoping somebody notices you're hiding them is what TEENAGERS do#and also i told him VERBATIM: i didn't think anyone would ever love me because i'm not comfortable with xyz. and he just confirmed that#idk i still feel like i'm being selfish because how could i expect someone to be in a relationship with me when i can't give them anything#also tmi but it's not like we did NOTHING. we still held hands/cuddled/were close. he just didn't have his tongue down my throat anymore#so obviously i'm assuming by 'missing affection' he just meant sex and as an ace person that just fucking sucks#also oh my god i HATED how much he would imply we were going to have sex. i would have to keep SAYING 'i don't like doing this'#he always spoke like it was inevitably going to happen and it didn't click how GROSS i felt about it until recently#also ALSO not to go there but i never told him WHY i struggle with it (it's sensory issues)#and like. what if something had happened to me that made it hard for me and i just wasn't ready to tell him. and then he did this#again sorry to overshare this is still just a lot for me and i have no idea if i'm being unreasonable#if you're ace and in a relationship please let me know bc i'm starting to think it'll end this way every single time
660 notes
·
View notes
Text
Well someone has to give it its driver updates, Gabriel
#driver design and development ft. gabriel#why do i keep making gabriel look like a tech nerd?#idk don't ask me#but come on they're robots they don't need just blood right???#ramble time#i don't know what i am doing about that rendering and that's all i'm gonna say about this topic#i don't really play ultrakill anymore#apex + d2 take most of my playing time i simply don't play any other games#their idea list was never empty tho#i like their contrast i guess#they can have a lot of argument#that tends to make coming up dialogues easy#yeah#i don't know why i ramble this much#maybe just because i don't really have the chance per se#but i really seldom do ultrakill stuff now#ultrakill followers best time to unfollow starts now#ultrakill#ultrakill v1#ultrakill gabriel#my art
627 notes
·
View notes
Text
some stories are written precisely to elicit strong emotions from the reader INCLUDING negative ones. some stories and characters are meant to be upsetting, they are meant to challenge you and make you uncomfortable!! when a story makes you feel Big Feelings sometimes you are meant to sit in those feelings and ask yourself why! fiction is a great space to explore these emotions in a safe environment. you, as the reader, are meant to think critically about the art you are enjoying and that includes asking yourself questions like why has the author presented their art in this way and what are they trying to tell me. and then you get to have fun picking it apart and figuring it out and deciding what, exactly, the art means to you.
#this post has been in my drafts since SEPTEMBER and it just gets more and more relevant lately#and sure sometimes we decide in the end that the art is bad and that we don't like it. that's fine. i'm not arguing anyone's right#to dislike certain things. it's fine!!! but why are you acting like it's a personal offense??? what's going on??#like idk what is in the water these days that people have become so averse to Storytelling#the whole POINT is to make you FEEL SOMETHING!!!#why are you getting mad at artists for making you feel something!!!!#between some of the asks i and other authors get to the recent stuff with mouthwashing and epic saga and fucking nosferatu#NOSFERATU. IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SCARY???#i really feel like i am losing my mind. i keep thinking of that 'disco elysium but its a little girl looking for her lost cat in the alps'#tweet. like this is really where we're at. people would rather feel Nothing. no one wants to be challenged#no one wants to explore Themes or read social commentary anymore it's so dire#let's all just go read our bland cozy fantasy story with found family and No conflict & nothing interesting to say at all#i'm sure we'll all be safe there#fuck!!!#also this isnt aimed at that anon i got a few days ago this is just like. a general trend i have noticed that is happening Everywhere rn
153 notes
·
View notes
Text
✨💀💜 Rose 💜💀✨
#rose lalonde#homestuck#my art#pixel art#homestuck rose#idk why but I felt like drawing her#I'm not even in the fandom anymore but like I guess you never do leave
258 notes
·
View notes
Text
Once again I offer you art that I didn't post when it was made✌🏻 One thing I have learned is to never throw away your art because even if you don't immediately like it you might some day
#and this isn't to say I don't cringe at some of my old art 😂 I think that's just an inescapable part of the experience#I think it's mostly perfectionism that stops me from liking some of my drawings#because fairly often I just randomly find a drawing that I actually really like but never posted cause I deemed it not good enough#and then later I'm like “so what if there are weird mistakes that stick out to me. If someone else had drawn this would I think this way”#and I see the parts that stopped me from posting a piece and am like why did it seem so important back then#I love looking through my old art and being like I'm so glad I drew this#especially if it's something I had forgotten about#idk what brought this art ramble on ig I'm just happy to find joy in creating when there's so much a i bs going on#also the paper this is drawn on literally has “why can't I draw anymore” on it so if you're feeling artblocky know that it will pass#violetscanfly#artists on tumblr#watercolour#wei wuxian#mo dao zu shi#mdzs fanart#mdzs#wei ying
181 notes
·
View notes
Text
Commissioned piece for Gabriel!
#artists on tumblr#astarion#bg3#bg3 astarion#gotchibam arts#commissioned piece#i'm welcoming 2024 w/ astarion art bc why not :3c#thank you for giving me the opportunity to draw him!!! 🥺🥺🥺#as much as I wanted to draw him I was also kinda worried bc i've been getting rusty w/ anatomy#I keep thinking idk how to draw ppl anymore & then I always surprise myself lol#I guess using refs really does help :0#also! i've tried to draw astarion so many times before but I never like how they turn out skdjhfkjshsf#this one tho..... this is an exception#this is probably the best astarion i've drawn so far ;w;#me admiring him from afar: he's so pretty. he's so pretty. he's so pretty. he's so pretty... wHY IS HE SO PRETTY
524 notes
·
View notes
Text
[A sad violin song plays over an image of a sad hamster]
Pac: This doesn't have anything to do with me – I wear a blue sweatshirt, you're crazy, this mouse doesn't even have a sweatshirt, this hamster! [Reading chat] Am I a depressed hamster?
[ Transcript continued ↓ ]*
–
Pac: Actually– that's fine! I embrace that idea – of course I'm going to be depressed, are you crazy? [He hits his desk, then starts counting off people on his fingers] Fit is gone, Richarlyson is gone, Ramon is gone, Bagi and Empanada who were always there when we were there are also gone, I haven't seen them! It's just me and Tubbo, and sometimes Philza shows up.
Pac: I lost Chume Labs, I lost the Favela, I lost Murder Mystery, I lost Ilha Chume Labs, it's crazy! Look at how much I've lost, and I've gained nothing! Of course I'm going to be depressed, are you crazy?! How am I supposed to be happy?!
Pac: [Reading chat] "You have us Pac," that's true, thank you. No, that's true, sorry.
* NOTE: Please note that this is an incomplete transcript, as I was primarily relying on Aypierre's translation mod at the time and if I am not confident of the translation, I do not include it. As always, please feel free to add on translations or message me corrections.
#Pactw#QSMP#Pac#March 18 2024#As much as I love keeping people updated about Pac / the other Portuguese-speaking creators#I think I might not make as many transcribed posts for their clips anymore#I just don't think I'm qualified enough to be transcribing things for a language I don't know#like yeah we have the Qlobal Translator and Aypierre's translators to rely on#And I'm always upfront when I'm not 100% sure about a translation#but I've been thinking about it a lot and it kinda makes me feel a bit icky. Idk.#I might be overthinking this but I just I don't want to spread around translations I'm not super confident about#esp. since I know a lot of people cite my clips in analysis posts or link them to other people as resources#and 90% of the time I'm like ''Hell yeah I love seeing people getting a lot of use out of the archive''#but sometimes I get a bit anxious like ''Did I do a good enough job translating this''#''Am I ruining someone's entire perception of a conversation or character because I left one word out or mistranslated something?''#And like I said that's normally not a HUGE concern since if I'm not certain about a translation I just won't post a clip. but you know#idk it might just be the anxiety talking but I really really don't want to spread bad info#Happy to hear other folks' perspective#I'm really grateful for people like Bell and Pix and others who translate clips and I always try to reblog those#but we don't have a ton of people posting clips & translating things on Tumblr since we're so English-centric#which is part of the reason WHY I like sharing clips of the non-English-speaking CCs#but at the same time I want to do an accurate job representing what they're saying#Maybe I'll just start posting things and give a TLDR context of what they're talking about but not a transcript#that way native-speakers can hop in and add translations if that's something they're comfortable doing#and if not then well. at least I'm not sharing something that isn't super accurate#idk I'm just thinking out loud a bit in the tags#But I'm open to hearing other people's thoughts on the matter#Anyways giant rant aside. q!Pac is NOT doing ok rn
252 notes
·
View notes
Text
2021
#identity v#idv#luchino diruse#WOW these are Old and yet??#I still really like these hehe#I never posted these here I think..?#I'm going through my old photos again and sigh#I don't draw like I used to... its so sad...#I'm pretty sure I could still do it like my hands remember its just I don't have the patience and motivation for it anymore#I get home and I have a billion other things to do and idk why but I'm just so lazy when I get home#nothing gets done ohh and certainly not drawing anymore... sad....#but yknow I'm still drawing so once I can get my motivation back and get my shit together#the wedding is back on-- sjebfjgkg#I miss drawing luchino#I miss drawing idv in general really HAJFKVKB I keep saying and missing but#I can't really seem to bring myself to actually do it anymore ohh.... somethings not right with me I think#but idk I can still work and I still go to school so at least it's not doomed#big sighs anyways hopefully!! I can finish my school project tomorrow and I will start to work on my cosplay proper#and then I can draw something along the way... tianlang jun won't animate himself either... he's stuck under a mountain ai.....
57 notes
·
View notes
Text
i've seen a fair amount of people that have a take that's something along the lines of "alden isn't abusive/toxic/a bad parent but i like exploring that in fic, so i often characterize him like that anyway" and i'm so curious as to why these people are not extending this same purposeful character assassination to other parents, like grady, or even kesler, and why it seems to be an only alden thing /gen
#if your answer is “kesler's just too good/pure of a dad” . . . idk man isn't that what you just said about alden. what makes HIM different#this is a genuine question. not trying to condescend. and so on#btw i'm someone that fully believes you have a right to assassinate a character as much as you want in fic to fit any scenario#it often doesn't feel like the character in canon anymore. but hey that's the point of fic. or something#getting back to the point. why is this something that happens at a far far higher rate with alden than it does with say. grady#or any other father really. i don't think i've ever seen tiergan or prentice mischaracterized so thoroughly in fic#kotlc#kotlc alden#alden vacker
63 notes
·
View notes
Text
Kenny and JLH saying Ryan will have good acting moments this season... Shannon coming back... Eddie having important scenes/storylines towards the end of the season... Christopher, Buck and the Diaz family all on set together in what could very well be a hospital... will reveal, near death coma dream spec... recent catholic guilt arc............. what if what if what if
#like man atp i really don't know what it can be besides eddie like dying (please don't) or being gay like. idk what else makes sense#before the video for gavins bday you could argue it'd be him moving on w/ marisol#but now??? I don't really think it can be that anymore#like why were both buck and the diaz family there#why was the diaz family there at all?????? what could've been so serious that it got them to come all the way from texas to la????#eddies gotta be on his death bed bc there's no way#I'm scared hahahaha#eddie diaz#Christopher diaz#evan buckley#diaz family#911#911 abc#911 spec#911 spoilers#buddie
127 notes
·
View notes
Text
I haven't felt very motivated to draw lately (what chronic fatigue does to a guy 😔) but I have cracked open my sketchbook a few times. Mostly to doodle TBC.
#I don't draw on paper much anymore tbh#bc now that i have the option to fully line and color things digitally if I'm gonna spend time on art I'd rather go all the way#but i probably should get back into the habit. it's relaxing sometimes to draw something without fussing over it#also i drew blackstar recently while bored during my break at work and tried to redraw him digitally later and it just doesn't look as good#it really is easier to get things the exact shape you want during the sketching phase#which is why i want to make my digital art a little more relaxed and lean into sketches for lineart#but it just never works? idk#I don't feel like I really have the mind or eye for art sometimes. idk how to explain it#I don't really know how to experiment with my style or make changes? how do people learn that#anyway I'm rambling#i really enjoy drawing but I'm pretty art blocked recently bc I'm so tired all the time and kinda feel like? idk how to draw? dunno#my art#shadowsight#bristlefrost#rootspring#snowtuft#lionblaze
58 notes
·
View notes
Text
When I was getting my diagnosis, my psychiatrist told me right after giving me my prescription that I need to consider eating food a part of my medication, and that flipped a switch in my brain that oh. Maybe willingly starving myself and eating only one meal a day isn't healthy.
#typing this while i'm at work and so hungry my stomach is aching and hurting#personal#delete later#i don't even know why i starve myself i don't have an eating disorder and it's not like i forget to eat#it's just i have so little time to eat meals nowadays that i don't consider it important anymore#so i just try and tough it out#tw: eating issues#tw: eating problems#tw: disordered eating#idk what tw to put on this#tw: medication
204 notes
·
View notes
Text
hi! i'll keep this short
i came to the realization everytime i've disappeared from tumblr to "take a break" i never really have because of other things going on in my life (which, duh, this isn't my whole life) but! i also realized that if i never actually take the time to recover and rest and think about things i should be writing i'll never feel better. so! i'm (once again)(but now more formally) going on hiatus until maybe may! i might pop in for spring break or earlier if i feel like it, but until then, not really any writing from me! with that being said, i'll still be around, doting on my moots (i.e. like, dorothea <3 wyr <3 and bug <3) because i love them so much and i will probably also post chapters of present ever so often! the reason being (i'm going to try to make this make sense but it may only make sense to me but i'm aware of how contradicting i am to me five seconds ago when i said i need to take a break from writing) present is a very personal fic for me that i've worked on for years at this point. what i'm posting now are chapters i wrote months ago after I've read over and edited them (or in the case of the upcoming chapter, i did randomly add it in and had to write it from the ground up last week lmao) but if it isn't obvious, present is a work i'm very passionate about and am just posting in case anyone else enjoys it but it feels like it's a work that is very individualized just for me and it doesn't cause me any stress or anxiety. on the topic of individualization, although i am of course so so thankful for all of the support and people that follow me, i do sort of miss when my blog and world were a lot smaller. it's something i feel like i only get when i get to reply to people in comments, but other than that, all the numbers and people on my feed give me a lot of anxiety. the hq (smau fandom especially) fandom or at least how much i'm (was) involved in it has grown exponentially and of course i'm happy about that but it's a bit too much for me. i'll be taking a huge step back from the fandom and any hq works i've written at least in the meantime, but that's not to say they'll never be finished! but i either need to grow to handle the bigger audience that now reads my works or wait for things to grow a little smaller again :) i hope to still be able to read my moots works but forgive me if it takes me a bit or i never get to them! i think at the least i'll still like them to show my support <3 thank you if you read my long ramble! i love you all <3
oh also i'll probably post self ship moodboards and the beginning of my reading list (thank you again dorothea for the idea <3)! but again, I think you get the idea by now; I want to go back to doing this for me! so this is a tiny little goodbye now i'm leaving for you all with forehead kisses and flowers and love notes and mwah <3 i'll see you around!
#that was not kept short#tldr; i'm taking a long break from writing (probably around may or so) and will not be super involved in the hq fandom anymore#i'm planning to try to go back to my roots! where i often really only ever posted when i uploaded fics and then i'd disappear again#idk what i'm doing!#or maybe i just need to wait long enough for people to sort of forget about me 😭 (IN A NOT SEEKING ATTENTION WAY SORRY)#but i just need to like! just do stuff for myself again!#last january or so i believe is when i started posting and i'd just really nervously hit the publish button#and then never look at tumblr again bc i was so scared#and i didn't have to worry about notifs from anyone and it was a very small and personal blog where no one knew me and I didn't know anyone#and while i sort of miss that i'm also not trying to say i'm not greatful for the friends i have made! i am very thankful for them#so that's instead why i'm settling for a middle between what my blog used to be and what I feel like it is now!#even just posting that dazai fic a little bit ago made me realize how much i missed just showing up out of the blue posting something#in a fandom that has literally basically never heard of me#and leaving again 😭#i'm happy to give out my socials if anyone wants them :3#okay bye bye!
39 notes
·
View notes
Text
honestly i think the "catgirl shortage" thing seems to be a bunch of transfems got boxed in to only being able to engage in kink via the kitty femboy identity that cis people online deemed at least acceptable and as we found spaces we could actually explore our sexualities we diversified, why puppies are so popular idk it's probably cuz barking rules and definitely not a secret puppyhypnoplot you should just bark and not think about it! try it! bark bark! good girl!
#idk might just be my own experience#but it seems like catboy is very socially acceptable in cis kink sensibilities at least online#i know that's why i was a catboy at first#it was basically my only option#now i get to be what i want and it's a lot better#i'd probably still like it if i didn't associate it with that social pressure#i'm a warriors girl i love pretending to be a cat#but not so much anymore idk :/
42 notes
·
View notes
Text
mid-seasons Daryl's so smooth-headed
#just a damp fella.#I'm still struggling to put people into art styles uuuuughhh#using Daryl to practice bc I know what he looks like so well at this point#but man. I still can't figure this shit out#either it's just simplified realism or Some Random Cartoon Guy#like this doesn't quiiite look like him to me#somethin's wrong#but idk if that's because I'm not used to Shiny New Baby Daryl anymore#I'm being so nitpicky but this is what I do#anyways#the walking dead#the walking dead fanart#daryl dixon#scribbles#daryl dixon fanart#also I'm on a weird kick of using the blandest ugliest saddest colours lately#makin everything just look dirty and sickly <3#it's on purpose but I'm not rly sure why
199 notes
·
View notes