#but idk to hear some people liked and read it and actually want it to come back?

[burningcheese-merchant]

Psst, hear me out: The Beast being fucking yanderes with the ancients.

You Get It™️ I mean... Did you guys see episode 6? Burning Simp Cookie is already a yandere lol. He's been there and he refuses to leave. And Shadow Milk is honestly not that far behind, he feels some type of way towards Pure Vanilla and it would be cute if it wasn't so sad and creepy lol

Really though, I just love hero/villain ships in general (always have, since long before Cookie Run ever existed) and I get a kick out of villains acting stupid over crushes (read: obsessions), and acting stupid in general. There's just something about a villain being in love with the hero to a psychotic, comical degree, and the hero rebuffing them at every turn that's just really amusing to me lol. Like what Joker sort of has with Batman, you know?

Here are my Yandere Beasts in bare-bones terms:

Burning Spice: come on, if you've read my stuff, you know EXACTLY what Yandere Spice is like lol. If not, I'll refer you to this and this, as well as my fics on AO3. If those don't tell you what Yandere Spice is like then idk how else to help you lol

Shadow Milk: if the final boss of theater/drama kids had a crush but was also a malignant narcissist of some sort lol. Absolutely DESPERATE for Vanilla's attention at all times. If he's not actively trying to worm into Vanilla's brain and harass him in his thoughts and dreams, he's in the real world brainstorming better ways to do that lol. He does not grasp why the creepy puppet shows and gaslighting attempts aren't convincing Vanilla to fall in love with him. Will attack and torment and insult Vani in one breath and then praise and love and worship him in another, because he's a histrionic clown freak with whirlwind emotions. But above all else, he literally thinks he owns Vani and is meticulously plotting the horrible and hilarious demise of any and all he perceives as a threat to their union

Eternal Sugar: World's Laziest Stalker™️. Almost exclusively haunts Holly in her dreams (I have to assume that that's what her power will entail, as the Beast of Sloth); however, she's more "effective" in her wooing attempts due to her past experience as the Herald of Happiness. She actually goes out of her way to construct dreams and the like that have things in them that make Holly happy (or what she thinks makes Holly happy; she, as well as the others, has big tunnel vision and is very selfish and self-absorbed, and thus pays more lip service to her own wants than those of who she loves/obsesses over). Thankfully doesn't run into Holly in person often because that's work... but sometimes she DOES work up the nerve to go after her for real, and... well

Mystic Flour: Denial, denial, denial. Not just a river in Egypt the Golden Cheese Kingdom, but she'll say and act like otherwise. No, she does not like Dark Cacao. He robbed her of her volition and the chance to enact her will. He prevented her from freeing the world from pain and suffering. He is a stubborn fool who refuses to understand the truth. He... is very handsome. She does not like how handsome he is. It is distracting. She doesn't like dwelling on her memories of him and their encounters. She doesn't like how she came to harbor a single kernel of respect in her heart after he stood his ground against her; a kernel that she inadvertently nurtured and cultivated slowly but surely, until... no. No, she doesn't like Dark Cacao. She doesn't think about him all day. She doesn't want to try to lure him back to her land so she can trap him in the flour fog with her again. She doesn't miss feeling his dark eyes on her. She doesn't deeply resent his attachment to his people, and seek to transfer that attachment to her instead. No, she... damn it, he's ruined her. He's made her feel things again. He's made her succumb to selfishness and greed, to earthly desire and attachment - desire for HIM, attachment to HIM. All of her hard work and enlightenment gone to waste... She doesn't want to like Dark Cacao, she recognizes the folly in such a thing, but she's stuck - and so stuck is she that not only does she not really see a way out, she doesn't WANT one. She's become too content with her attachment to him too quickly. Now she has to agonize over her own foolishness, and try to keep denying that she doesn't care while also longing for his attention and wanting to do away with all that steals his attention away from her

Silent Salt: probably the least awful of the five, but he's still creepy and that's not a high bar to clear anyway lol. Has a better grasp on "normal" behavior than the others (like... he pays attention to what White Lily likes/wants and tries to adjust accordingly), but he's following her around everywhere and acting extremely violent and territorial over her towards anyone who he catches approaching her. He's legitimately, surprisingly sweet and gentle towards her; he brings her flowers, he listens to her when she asks/tells him something, he's more or less respectful of her personal space (he will try to be as physically close to her as possible, but actually backs off a little if she asks him to, only to try again, and so on and so forth)... but he's still a villain, he's still violent and creepy, he still gets angry when she pays attention to other people for too long and he has brought actual harm to others out of jealousy. He's the best of the worst but that really doesn't mean much of anything, he's still a psycho creep like the others

In short, they form a tight-knit coalition of absolutely fucking deranged freakazoids and they should all probably die :)

[cosmousee]

WHAT YOUR HIGHER SELF WANTS TO TELL YOU 💫🌟

Hello my loves!!!

I am back.

Love being MIA (jk jk I miss it so much, but life just has been holy crap) Here's a reading on what your higher self wants to tell you. Which Ive been trying to do since fkn last week of October, and finally here I am!!

Oh I am also going to start doing paid readings I guess, I am so excited!!! (but after November because end term exams are upon me)

Lets get to the reading!!

Choose whatever pile resonates with you, whatever does not, remember to just pass it on🥰

Pile 1>>2>>3

Pile 1

Hello love!

Welcome to your pile!

So starting off, your higher self is warning you about the people who are around you. While I was connecting with the higher self for the messages, it felt like there was this huge bundle of snakes intertwined and you were at the centre of it. You might be surrounded by people who do not have your best interest at heart. 

Since they were so intertwined and you were literally at the core of it, it seems like they have sllithered there way into your closest and innermost circle, but not because they genuinely want to be there, but it may be because they want to get some gossip from you, or they want to reap the rewards for the hard work you have done. You know sort of like, parasitic situation.

For you oracle we have

The Bee and Pomegranate: productivity

This card is making me think that they are either jealous of your productivity and want to know how you are doing it so they can as well, or they really want to piggy back on your success and call it theirs. 

With the Bee I think, it is time for you to identify the issues in your hive, and start eliminating them. You might feel a little suspicious about them sometimes but brush away that thought thinking you’re just being paranoid. But, if your intuition is constantly pulling your attention towards that, and if you’re having a bad feeling, its time to sting that *beep* and cut them out of your life. 

I am getting that you might start having some issues while you’re with them, like getting a headache, your energy levels being drained even though you were fine seconds ago. Having stomach issues after having a meal with them, your electric appliances would stop working, something like that.

I also saw this forked snake typa thing, which had two heads, and basically they are double faced and a snake to everyone and aren’t true to anybody. Just felt like mentioning it here.

For your tarot cards, we have,

Ace of Cups and The Emperor (reverse)

I feel like, because of the people around you, and their negative energies towards you, new opportunities might be blocked from coming to you.

You might feel the energy of something new coming, but then it just does not. Also, you do not have your cup full. Because of all that energy draining by these people, you only feel happy superficially, or because you are supposed to feel happy with your friends. But actually, deep down in reality, your soul knows you deserve better and these aren’t the people who are going to fill your cup.

You’ve got better opportunities waiting for you, you’ve got a whole empire waiting for you with The Emperor, but you need the right people in your court who will help you get there. Community is important, and being alone sucks, especially if you’re in a new place, could be a new school, a new university, a new job and you are afraid of letting them go because what if nobody else is there.

But until you take that risk, you will never find out. And honestly, right now, even being alone for a little while would be good for you to rejuvenate yourself and align yourself with the life that you really want, with the people that you really want.

That’s all I have for you today! Thank you so much for reading 🎀🌻Please let me know what resonated I love hearing from y'all<3

Pile 2

Hello love!

Welcome to your pile!

Idk what it is with this reading, but saw snakes for this pile as well  (I was literally playing slither.io rn), but in a veryyy different light as compared to the first pile. Basically, you know like there are two sides of you, the light and the dark, the yin and the yang sort of a thing. Except, I saw one side more earthy, nature ish and grounded I guess, and the other is just the same thing but… horror ish. You know thorny forest and dark night things. 

I think what your higher self is trying to tell you is that you gotta embrace all of yourself. All the parts, the good, bad, light, dark etc etc etc. It happens sometimes when you realise some weird (dark trait/habit so to say) of yours and then you fixate on that and you end up believing you’re not a very good person (HOLY FKN CRAP the universe just aligned in such a weird way I cannot even, gonna give context in a bit). 

But just because you believe you’re not a good person doesn’t mean that you don’t have the good qualities in you. And vice-versa as well, sometimes when we do light work, we tend to forget our shadow selves, or repress it. Which isn’t…ideal. Ya know?

You gotta embrace everything.. Just like the big snakes circle the little ones in slither.io (such weird analogies holy crap)

Okay so I do use costar (i am aware people dislike it, but its daily messages hit right at the spot. But today’s did not make sense to me, until NOW)

Okay anywho, moving on

Your oracle cards are:

The Caiman and Poppy: dreams

The Hawk and Thistle: graceful persistence

They are going to make more sense with the tarot cards so I am just going to mention them here,

Queen of Swords, 6 of pentacles (reversed), Ace of Wands and 3 of Wands

I feel like there has been some passion project sort of thing you have been wanting to pursue, but not getting the motivation, or you know the nicer way to do it. You may start doing it but then leave it after sometime because it is not providing you the happiness that you thought it would. Its not because you’re doing the wrong thing, its probably because there’s another way to do the thing, where you’ll enjoy it to the core.

This ‘new’ way of doing the thing might be revealed to you in your dreams. Your higher self may come to you in dream state and then reveal what is to be done. Now of course, ain’t that easy, they may not tell you exactly what you have to do, but tell you in some weird ass format which you might have to decode later on.

I am also getting the vibe that do not share this new thing with the people around you, I think. Not until it is successful anyway. I know its fun when you go and be like “Yo I had this epiphany in a dream” and blabber it all out. But for the time being, keeping the thing to yourself would be more beneficial to you. The Hawk from the oracle card has got sharp eyes and is on the lookout. Now its not to say that people are out for you or will take your ideas blah blah, but I think its for your own sake. You know sometimes you tell a person something and the whole excitement just blows away? Think of it as avoiding this scenario. 

Anyways! I hope whatever this new thing is, it brings back your spark for doing the things you are passionate about and this time receiving the serotonin with it as well!

That’s all I have for you today! Thank you so much for reading🎀🌻Please let me know what resonated I love hearing from y'all<3

Pile 3

Hello love!

Welcome to your pile!

SO OKAY! 

Everybody who chose this pile, like fkn immediately go and connect to your higher selves, they have SO MUCH TO SAY and I can only cover so much (sorry higher selves I am trying my best here)

Okay so, gonna explain everything together, your oracle card is:

The Antelope and Wheat: nourishment

What I felt is like, you know, you have multiple personalities, moods and what not. Like one day you’re like Yay Party and then two days later you’re just hibernating happily. You’re being told to nourish all the various aspects you have of yourself. 

Wanna go clubbing. Sure!

Wanna stay in and sleep in your cute pajamas. Sure!

Wanna go on a solo date/trip. Sure!

Don’t deprive any one of them, if you feel like you do not have enough resources to do so, or just because, it is easier to just lie down or do something else instead of doing what you actually want. 

I’ll explain more with your tarot cards:

King of Pentacles, 3 of swords, 7 of swords, The Chariot, The Hierophant, 4 of pentacles and Ace of pentacles

(see I told you they have a lot to say)

Coming back on track, I feel like you wanna reach the King of pentacles before you nourish yourself, you know have absolute abundance of money, energy, health and what not. 

But it is also possible that sometimes, you aren’t the King of Pentacles, you might be the Queen, the Knight, the Paige and this or that, and then it breaks your heart that you know “oh I can’t do this, I am low on resources”.

But that’s just your brain being wacky, and since you aren’t fulfilling all of your needs, it sort of snatches away happiness from other things as well. I mean of course you’ll be happy doing what you can but then you’ll know something is missing and that’s not the experience you wanna have with the things you love.

Your Higher self is telling you to keep moving forward, do not let your wacky brain control you with its weird ass thoughts (easier said than done). Do not reserve yourself from living your life to the fullest, because of minor here’s and there’s. Its pentacles, it’s gonna get refreshed any which ways and you’ll always be in a cycle of receiving it and giving it away.

This thinking might have been ingrained in you since childhood, through your home, or society or the community that you live in. Which is okay, I mean if you were brought up like that, obviously you will live that way. You know, Asian parents being like you can’t have fun for 2 days in a row! Which is makes zero sense (been there done that)

Try detaching yourself from that mindset if you are able to, because there’s a much livelier version of yourself to live as and they are looking forward to you taking steps towards them!!

That’s all I have for you today! Thank you so much for reading🎀🌻Please let me know what resonated I love hearing from y'all<3

[five-thousand-loaves-of-bread]

want… more than only friendship n not full date so maybe like. queerplatonic. more accurate word

n not know how describe with who either - girls n fem but also some butch ppl too if fit n “keep be clock be read as fem but nonbinary n absolutely not girl” n androgynous n guess cis girl okay too maybe maybe not don’t know!!!!!. it so hard figure out what want to start with n on top, words all confusing n idk easy way umbrella call it.

some flavor of queer? - trans / nonbinary / some sort gender-complicated / (gender-complex-cis too?) girl n fem n maybe some androgynous ppl too???

“queer gender-complicated fem people”???

n then there disability. not sure if can be in qpr or date type relationship with someone similar developmental-disability-support-needs. bc. know am need receive lots cognitive n DD related help (n also other help) n not sure can give same to someone similar needs.

n it all theoretical though even theoretical want meet new person rare for me. but not sure if just theoretical or want actual go through process of. socialing, meet new person, talk to new person, get to know, etc all steps before they naturally a part of your “circle”. tumblr great can talk at people while give self illusion of talking to people but actual talk to talk with people scary n hard

social very hard unless live in same in person community kind of have to see eachother in person everyday then. other than one person, expect not hear text or text back from me for days weeks sometimes even months

not to mention other DD related social issue!!!!!!!!!

so “want gf” really terrible awful way put it

[dark-dragon-8]

I want to write a supernatural fic where Sam still hunts while in college.

Like, hunting has always been such a big part of his life that he just can't live without it, especially when he knows other people are going to die and/or suffer if he doesn't help them.

I want Sam to be one of those students that you know never goes to any of the classes but almost always gets an A (or at the very least a passing grade) on all the exams/assignments (he both knows from experience and studies in his free time while on the road).

I want Sam to be the weird/cool guy at school that everyone theorizes about ["Do you think he has a girlfriend?" "He must be rich or something, how else can he afford to travel so much while still attending school" (he's not BTW) "I wonder who that guy that always drives him to and from classes/exams is" (that's Dean) "So he's a passenger princess" (they've never seen him drive), etc].

Everything about the show is the same (I might keep Jess alive though, IDK, like that girl who ends up having a crush on him so she's looking into him and finds out some stuff) except he's still in school and he & Dean always cover their faces/only Dean impersonates people (that work with the state/law & stuff) so that the authorities won't be able to connect things too quickly and ambush them while there's a test or something.

Sam is literally the cryptid of the school after getting his powers, like people literally see him get visions/mumble about future events in the middle of those rare lessons he comes to/exams/assignments.

After Dean becomes a demon, people start thinking he's his drug dealer and that they're a part of some Mafia group that needs a new lawyer/future new lawyer (hence why Sam is learning law) after they keep hearing hushed conversations where Sam practically begs this Dean guy to "Just please give it to me, please Dean I don't think I can take it much longer" (assuming "it" probably means like heroin or some other type of drug. Also how they finally found out Dean's name) and Dean begrudgingly handing him a small red vial and telling him he'll give him more, sometimes directly from the source (his wrist), later. Sam also starts bringing a second, smaller, steel water bottle to school after those interactions start but almost nobody notices (or they do and there are a thousand and one new conspiracies about it and what it means, after all, it could just be coffee for all they know, they can't be sure though, and they're too scared to ask whenever they do see him and he actually stays in school for a little longer instead of instantly leaving to go somewhere. So they don't really get the chance to ask him even if they want to).

They see him "give a random girl hickeys" in the alley right beside the school (he's actually drinking Ruby's blood after she got her throat slashed/slashed her own throat just a little bit so that they won't look too suspicious) and they think that's his GF. And then some other students see him doing the same to his drug dealer's (Dean's) wrist a few days later and they don't know what to think anymore [he was desperate (read; needed a boost before a stressful exam/lesson/finals week), okay? He wasn't thinking straight and all three thought it was at least somewhat okay as long as they were being careful].

One day, during a lesson because the others know he won't answer during an exam, Bobby (because he still isn't talking to John, fuck you John) is calling him, saying it's an emergency and that they need him there ASAP. He doesn't remember to control his reaction in front of the class and now everyone further believes that he's in the Mafia and that was his boss talking to him [they vaguely remember hearing him, quietly whisper, if they need him to bring his extra guns at the start of the conversation/if he needs to kill someone/if anybody died towards the end of it (all said somewhat casually, considering the situation, mind you)].

I imagine Gabriel coming over to fuck with him one day at the school and people thinking he's part of a rival group/family (that may or may not have joined Sam's own after betraying said family, depending on the timeline) based on their interactions. On that same note, I want Castiel to be like the boss's right hand/messenger and that their boss's name/title is God/the lord (if I was in that situation, I would think their boss is very narcissistic, but I won't say anything about it because crime and I don't want to die yet). And then when Godstiel comes around, Dean, who at this point knows way more than Sam about these rumors (because unlike Sam he's actually been around), makes him seem like their new boss (he might just use it to help him get laid, like in that one episode, but IDK).

I really want to write it, and I might just do it, I just need to finish the series first so that I'll be characterizing them correctly (these are all characters I already somewhat know about/saw) so we'll see if I remember it by then.

Feel free to use this idea but also I want credit/link to the story (mainly a link) if you do use it, since I want to read it regardless of whether or not I actually write this (knowing myself, I probably will. Like 78% will).

[ghostespresso]

staff logging on to tumblr dot com today

[spookygibberish]

Dogstock are typical of what are often deemed the ‘evil’ races in many other fantasy works. They were created by some higher force to be slaves, they are carnivorous by nature, they resemble animals other than human in dentition and build. They growl and bite and walk behind.

The Uhasr (a dogstock culture) are descendants of such slave-infantry that was abandoned when the empire that used them to capture the steppes decided the land wasn’t so profitable after all, and more pressing matters drew their attention elsewhere. Like tools left spent on the ground, the unneeded, excess dogstock were left to survive on their own in Hochkiskuph. The native peoples, of course, did not welcome them any more, or see them any less as oppressors when the hand released the lead. To the Hochkiskuph peoples, the Uhasr are a predatory ghost, an echo that consumes them even in absentia. To the Uhasr, one human is much like another, differing in number and equipment, but never in essence. Uhasr are a species of wild animal with a human face. Humans are prey on two legs. Humans smoke and poison uncovered dens on principle, Uhasr abduct and consume men and women and children all the same.

A common trend I have noticed in media which aims to humanize monsters, is that it often relies on passivity. Humanity is contingent upon kindness. The monster that is A Person only so long as they are a harmless thing at heart, something which can be understood and befriended. Their violence is reluctant, their hearts noble. Grace is a concession to the dominated. Only the toothless beast, declawed and pinioned and caged, is one which has earned its personhood. The ontological enemy supersedes the ontological man.

[theusernameiwantisntavailable]

So I have officially finished watching the first episode of tdp and I am once again asking Netflix to stop releasing seasons that are like 3 episodes long

[buckboi]

.

[l0rd-0f-c0ws]

I frequently feel completely isolated no matter how much I talk to people. So that's fun

[starteas]

You know, it’s kind of funny to think about but with the few asks I’ve gotten about it, it surprised me a lot that people actually missed and liked reading Lumi when it was a webcomic. I ended up developing a complicated relationship with it because I felt really embarrassed about it, but to see a few people want it to be reuploaded or continue definitely tugs at my heartstrings a little. 🥲

[omegapheromone]

Misce and Me: Presenting as Omega, First Heat, and The Neck Thing.

OK so this post has been a long time in the making! I may actually start a new tag/post series of my personal experiences with my misce identity and such, and call it "Misce and Me" since it's a cool little title.

The whole idea for this post in the first place started from an offhanded thought of, "my neck being a very sensitive erogenous zone is actually very omega of me, huh?" But I never managed to put it into words since I kept going on tangents and just struggling to explain what I meant in a concise way that could've been made into a short personal post, especially since there's a much longer story there that it ties in to, a sort of contextual "how I realized I have a super sensitive neck/what might've caused it" type thing. I'll have to put some warnings here and the rest of the post will be under the cut both for the sake of length and content. It's nothing explicitly sexual, but does brush on the topic at times.

Warning: some parts of this post will likely mention sexuality/related topics, and contains a lengthy story about a personal experience with a crush from years ago. This post will also likely be a long read, so I'm putting it under the cut ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Alright then. Let me get started.

This is an actual IRL thing that happened to me. I'm not mentioning the names of the people involved for obvious reasons.

As I said, originally this post was going to be very short, just a paragraph or two, about how my neck is very sensitive to touch in general and how people touching my neck can be either a fear trigger, or incredibly comforting and/or pleasant, depending on my mood and who is touching me, among other things. I was just going to talk about that at first, but then I realized how it actually ties in to a lot of other things, namely, what I tend to consider my "first heat", and the time that marks me "presenting" as an omega for the first time (i.e. starting to exhibit the traits of my dynamic). It's also a source for some of my personal headcanons regarding omegaverse and/or misce, since it comes from actual personal experiences.

Disclaimer 2: I feel it's necessary to state that all of this happened when both me and the person this is mostly about- someone I had an unrealized crush on- were around the age of 16 or 17. We never dated, and nothing explicit ever happened, but considering we WERE minors at the time (2015/2016ish), I want to be extra clear and state that no consent laws would have been broken in my country even if we HAD dated/anything had happened. Still, I want to keep things vague, especially about the other person, out of respect for privacy. Nobody (save for the person himself, maybe one or two close friends who were present to witness this all at the time, and the handful of people I've recounted this story to afterwards,) would be able to recognize either me or the other person from this.

"Hmm, I hear you, Gamie, but necks ARE erogenous zones for pretty much everyone? Are you sure it's not just that?"

The original topic of this post would have been just a short anecdote of "it's very omega of me to have such a sensitive neck", so let me start by prefacing and expanding on that a little;

My neck is very sensitive to touch, and I have strong reactions whenever it is touched, no matter what kind of touch- medical-related, platonic, romantic affection, or sexual, it's always noticeable, and has to do a lot with who is touching me. For example, medical professionals don't bother me so much since it's usually for a good reason but I do tend to wince/tense up regardless, and while I don't like my family touching my neck, sometimes I'll ask for a shoulder massage and it's unavoidable, so I don't mind too much, even though both cause some minor anxiety, which is likely to do with the fact that I feel vulnerable when my neck is touched. Meanwhile, close friends, or people who are flirting with me (and I'm receptive towards) touching my neck tends to send a lot of mixed signals that are usually pleasant, but also somewhat hesitant/embarrassed (depending on the situation). Partners (romantic/sexual) touching my neck almost always gets a positive reaction though, whether it's just stroking my neck/back of my head or more intimate acts, i.e. kissing etc. Because of the sensitivity, it's almost always a massive distraction and often also a turn-on for me. I tend to consider this to be inherently tied to my identity as an omega, even though it's not necessarily abnormal since necks in general do tend to be sensitive- mine is just a lot more than I assume most others'?

Back when I was around 16, 17 years old and went to high school, I had just started to figure out my gender identity (transmasc) a few years prior, and back then especially, I had this very, very strong feeling that I need to present as masculine as possible so that people will "take my gender identity seriously" instead of just thinking I'm "following a fad" or something. I actually passed as a boy so well that I was only really clocked when teachers would occasionally use the wrong name (deadname) and I'd have to correct them- thankfully, all were understanding about it.

Well, it might be. But to me, I just tend to associate it with being an omega specifically. And maybe mine is a bit more sensitive than usual as I said, though, I haven't exactly experienced living in the body of anyone BUT myself, so I can't say I know for sure. The reason I associate it so strongly with my being an omega has a lot to do with how and when I started REALLY noticing the sensitivity, as it happened around the same time I tend to associate as the time when I "first presented as an omega" and had my first heat. It'd been a thing all my life for sure, but it never felt like an erogenous zone, just a sensitive one, until I was maybe 16 or 17 years old and in (the local equivalent of) high school. I actually figure I'd go into a personal story of mine since I've been wanting to talk about it, just never found the chance to. So, I'm going to tell the misceblr my actual irl story of the time I had a crush and started presenting as an omega around the same time.

This may end up being quite lengthy, so get comfortable, I suppose. I'll start with some background to everything;

Well, in high school, it was also the first time I'd ever had someone flirt with me IRL, since I had been bullied for a long time before that, and had basically zero confidence beyond spite and anger at the people who had made my school years a living hell before then. I wasn't completely blameless either, but looking back now, I realize all my issues with others when I was younger were honestly just caused by my ADHD symptoms, and that went undiagnosed until this year.

The person who flirted with me was a cis guy, who I'd more or less assumed was straight, and so I just brushed it all off as like... oh he's just doing that "dudebro affection" thing, because at the time, I would mainly hang out with guys, and occasionally a few queer/nonbinary/ally friends who mainly were in different classes than my own. So, given that the group both he and I were in WAS mostly straight(ish???) Cis Dudes, I never really saw any of it as more than weird ways of showing affection, when this guy would do stuff like pet my hair or brush his hand against the back of my neck, or find any excuse to touch me in general, usually specifically the neck region (excuses such as, "Oh hey your hair is shorter did you get it cut?" And then touching the back of my neck/base of my skull under the disguise of feeling that "fresh haircut feel" or whatever. Yes, looking back, I was oblivious as hell). This kind of stuff had always made me tense up slightly and sent shivers down my spine, honestly likely because I hadn't ever had anyone touch my neck in a way that wasn't either completely accidental or obviously fully platonic, and it was emotionally difficult to process something that was so new and overwhelming. I used to think I didn't blush easily, but looking back, I'm certain he would've clearly seen me go red in the face from just those touches alone, and if he'd been straight, I imagine he would've commented on it and stopped, instead of persisting. (Also, I later found out he was very likely at least Bi, if not gay, but at that point we had already lost contact, sadly)

At some point during the fall semester, I had gone to school extremely tired, having a bad hair day, feeling sleep deprived and grumpy, probably about to get my period or something and hence even more irritable than usual. I was on time for class and went in, sat in the middle seats, next to some girls I knew well enough but weren't REALLY friends with, mainly because none of the guys I USUALLY sat with in this class had arrived yet, and I thought they might've been skipping class anyway. They eventually arrive after class has already started, and the guy who had been making advances towards me walks past to go to the back row seats (as usual) but on the way, he reaches towards me in an attempt to pet my hair/pat my head or something, a gesture he did often, and I actually usually enjoyed, however, this time I was worried about my hair, since I'd spent an hour trying to get it to look decent, and the amount of hairspray I'd used was probably not very healthy for my lungs (ah, my pop punk quirky phase was... something)- So as he touches my head, I send a sideways glare at him out of annoyance, maybe pushed his hand away as well if I recall correctly. Only- I'd already been in a bad mood all morning, and my glare must've been exceptionally cold, because his expression kind of dropped, and he hurried to his seat. I didn't think much of it at first, I'd rejected touches like that on occasion before and shown some frustration in the past when I'd been in a bad mood, and though he'd avoid me for a bit to let me cool off, he would always end up talking to me again in a day or two at least. This time, though, was a bit different.

I feel that I first "presented" as an Omega, somewhat tied to all of this happening with me and that guy, around that age. I had of course been aware of the omegaverse trope for a long time- I mean, I grew up reading fanfic, so duh- and to some degree related to (omegaverse), but didn't REALLY look for fics etc themed around it specifically. This guy, I won't describe him too much beyond that he was a bit taller than me and had a bit of a "skater guy" type style + would ride his skateboard around the halls no matter how much teachers told him to stop lmao. I never felt that he was "my type" in particular, but we clicked well with similar senses of humour and overall he was a comfortable presence in a way I hadn't really experienced before, especially since I'd dealt with so many bullies pretending to be friendly only to mock me later, but he was never like that at all, even when I was paranoid and pushed him away because I feared he WAS. He was also very touchy with me, as I already explained, and a lot of it adds up to me now as courting behaviors, and I do fully think thay if he were misce he'd almost certainly identify as an alpha.

But, anyway- looking back, there was a point in time when I started realizing that this guy probably was flirting with me- it didn't FULLY hit me until years later though, and when I first started suspecting it, it was more like a vague feeling that I couldn't fully confirm. It was actually a specific instance/situation that happened between me and him that finally clued me in and made me consider the possibility, and this instance is what I actually tend to think probably triggered my first heat too, so I'll talk briefly about that, but I also need to give some context of what had happened before;

It was some time around or just before the winter/christmas holidays, one of the last days of school before break, when we went to like, an art gallery or something similar- neither of us wanted to attend the church service since neither of us considered ourselves believers of the christian faith most common here anyway, AND it was a LOT more fun to look at some pop art than to sit in a church listening to some guy talk about jesus and whatnot. I had actually heard he woulf be going to the gallery so to some degree, I had planned to confront him there- I also figured that there would likely be some group/pair exercises, so I was able to use that opportunity to spend a bit of time around him and engage in some playful banter and joking around just like we had been, before I'd unintentionally given him the coldest death-glare fuelled by a lack of caffeine known to man. At first, he came across as really nervous and flighty, but I made sure to just be casual and joke around normally, to try and show him that he didn't need to fear interacting with me- I still don't know why it had been so upsetting to him at the time to be honest- maybe he was scared I was rejecting him or something- and why he had put so much energy in avoiding me, but honestly, seeing him relax slowly and realize that I truly had not meant to make him think I'd suddenly started hating his guts when I'd just woken up grumpy that day, and that there was no need to avoid me like that, considering I was treating him completely normally, if not even more friendly than before.

He avoided me for months. Even when we HAD TO share a class or were hanging out with the same friends (who in hindsight must've been going insane just watching this dumb af back-and-forth of me being oblivious and the guy being obvious). It actually genuinely confused me- I only figured later on what had caused it (my glare), and when I did, I started to try and look for ways to show him that I didn't hate him nor was I mad or upset at him, but he would quite literally slip away at the first possible chance, so I never was able to talk to him one-on-one enough, until a month or two at least had passed.

Anyway, after the art gallery tour ended, we were standing in the lobby of the building it was hosted in, chatting a bit, since I had finally been able to talk to him and things seemed to be back to normal. We had obviously missed on a month's worth of hanging out and chatting at school, after all, so I imagine the both of us were really relieved and happy to have things be alright again.

Now, Back then, I was in a strange quirky tumblr-influenced half-emo half-pop-punk phase where I would incorporate stuff from other styles and aesthetics kind of randomly as I saw fit, and at that specific time, I'd been really into steampunk-y stuff, and had taken to wearing these steampunk goggles I'd bought at some point either as a headband, or more commonly, around my neck, like a necklace, because I was 16-17ish and thought it was Cool And Different™ (year was like, 2015/2016? I think?) And I was having a very weird phase back then anyway... Well, he notices the goggles and comments on them and asks if he can take a closer look at said goggles, I say, oh sure yeah!, fully expecting him to wait for me to take them off and hand them to him to look, since, you know, at that age I was EMBARRASSINGLY oblivious, and genuinely thought he was actually interested in looking at the goggles (this one goes out for all the autistic friends I have who keep telling me I'm autistic. Maybe you're right.(/hj))

Instead, he grabs the goggles and pulls ME closer. By the neck. Not like, in a way that chokes me or hurt me in any way, more like a gentle tug- the goggles had an elastic band, so it was more like a slight tugging sensation at the back of my neck that made me take a step forwards and lean in- plus, he did it slowly enough that it wasn't like a sudden yank but more like a gentle, persistent tug. I could have very easily pulled back and told him I'd take them off so he could look, but honestly, I was a bit too mesmerized and didn't actually WANT to step away anyway. Yeah, it's cliché as hell now that I think about it- It's like a fanfic trope come to life, yknow, like pulling someone closer by their tie or whatever? But somehow real life. I was so surprised in the moment- not unpleasantly, but just, completely DID NOT expect to suddenly be barely a few inches away from his face (if that!) all of a sudden so I just completely freeze in place, confused and just baffled at the situation. In that moment I felt a lot of mixed feelings and signals, none bad, just very confused, because to ME it was very sudden and unexpected considering my utter obliviousness to all the previous moves he'd made on me. I think that was the point when I finally started suspecting that maaaaybe he had been flirting with me- or at least trying to test the waters with me, so to speak- this whole time (and even so, was in denial for years afterwards lmao- to this day I wonder if maybe I'm just reading into it too much and he honestly WAS just a dude being a bro and actually interested in the goggles after all). Honestly, to him, I must've looked truly ridiculous, wide-eyed, shocked/surprised expression, kinda frozen in place and not knowing what to do, and DEFINITELY blushing.

And to be honest my memory of the moment isn't the clearest because I was well and truly frozen like a deer in the headlights. All I remember is how the surprise felt like a bucket of ice water being poured over me because I didn't even dare to breathe at first, frozen in place and not knowing what to expect, and then melting really fast because I started feeling very dizzy and warm when my brain caught on (I imagine the realization made me blush, and that would have been the feeling of warmth or 'melting' as I put it). He DEFINITELY stayed like that way longer than necessary, just gently 'looking at the goggles' as though they were the most interesting object in the world- or, again, maybe they were, and I just FELT like the moment went on forever.

Anyway, nowadays, when I think of my life with the context of my misce identity, I tend to feel that this was the thing that triggered my first heat, because I remember that on our walk back to school, I'd started feeling strangely hot, sweaty and shaky, like, literally trembling afterwards- I felt hazy, almost feverish, and couldn't stop thinking about that moment at all (I think I explained what happened to an IRL friend and they just stared at me in confusion, like, "okay and???" As if it was not a big deal at all). Our school day was a lot shorter that day, because it was around the holidays, and I was so utterly confused about everything that the rest of the day is a complete blur to me, I barely remember getting a happy holidays type card from this other person who had kind of been pursuing me (which is an entirely different story) and some presents from friends. Iirc, I basically bolted home from school at the first opportunity, though iirc the guy (the one this whole thing has been about) also left me a card of some kind, but honestly at that point I was way too mushy-brained to retain many memories. I don't really even remember what happened when I got back home, but knowing me, and how I am when in heat, I can make a few educated guesses which I won't share.

Anyhow, I tend to think of that day as the day I'd had my first "heat" as an omega, because I remember feeling really warm, shaky, and just, all kinds of feelings. Honestly, at the time, I wasn't sure of my own feelings for him because I was just kind of confused about everything and still figuring it all out- I was a bit of a late bloomer when it came to romance, anyway, but looking back, I'm pretty damn sure I'd had a crush on him for quite a while as well, otherwise I wouldn't have been so sad and disappointed that he started avoiding me after I glared at him, and definitely would not have been so shocked and reacted so strongly to that situation in the art gallery lobby. I recall feeling like he had me under some sort of spell, honestly, which is kind of silly thinking back- but if he had pulled me any closer or, gods forbid, kissed me for example, I think my knees would've ACTUALLY given in right there. I wasn't far from it to begin with.

So the neck thing- I think, it started because someone I would classify/headcanon as an alpha (in omegaverse terms, not the, 'alpha male' kind, DUH), whom I was interested in, and who seemed to clearly be interested in me, kept finding excuses to touch my neck. It was always sensitive, and I could feel the touch sort of linger for a long time, days, at times. And after that incident, my neck has always been hypersensitive, ESPECIALLY during heats. It's actually to the point that if a partner touches me in a similar (romantic/sexual) way, my knees just go kind of weak immediately, and I feel dizzy, because it's overwhelming to me. Maybe it's because necks are vulnerable and sensitive, but for me it's specifically the back and sides of my neck that are the MOST sensitive, not necessarily the region of my windpipe/etc. Similarly, when it's a person I have no interest in who is touching me, I tense up, instead of "freezing and then melting" which is how I felt on That Day. It's a pretty strong signal to my brain that I should probably become pliant and relaxed and obedient, as well as a "hey maybe I should be getting aroused about this?" Brain-thing, BUT if it's coming from someone I don't see as a potential partner but who seems to have romantic or sexual intent regardless, it feels more like an attempt at dominating or controlling me, which causes some anxiety.

As an afterthought, I wanna add that there are close friends I have who could touch my neck and I wouldn't mind at all- either they're so close platonically that I'm fully okay with it, or I'm 110% confident there is absolutely ZERO sexual intent behind their actions. If anything, I'd probably just relax and feel drowsy, more than anything, if touched like that.

Basically, this instance has shaped a big part of my headcanons on scruffing, dynamic presenting, heats and heat triggers, and much more. I don't think that this random guy I haven't talked to in almost a decade actually made me "awaken as an omega" as some versions of omegaverse put it, but I do think that during that fall I was starting to present anyway, and the things he did (touching my neck, petting my hair, etc) affected things that trigger my heats because of the emotional/psychological associations. I think that I would have presented anyway, and had a first 'heat' around that time anyway, but I think my crush on him and his constant touchy-feely-ness definitely sped up the process.

It's kind of a shame that this was the closest we ever got, in a way- back then I was still in contact with a very abusive person who basically forbade me from interacting with other people almost entirely, and it was one of the biggest reasons I was so shy and hesitant around this guy, even when I wanted to reciprocate somehow. It's such a shame because I haven't ever really felt a similar kind of pull towards anyone else after that, the relationships I've been in since have all started because someone else had been interested in me first and approached and courted me, and I'd ended up slowly getting attached and becoming fond of them. Not that that's a bad way to get into a relationship when it works out- I mean more that there's never really been a similar feeling of complete breathlessness and being flustered and mesmerized the same way this guy was able to make me feel by just gently pulling at my neck a little. Other people have certainly tried, and most exes are aware my neck is a very sensitive spot for me, but it's never affected me quite so strongly since this guy back in High School. Maybe it's just because I was young and clueless and far more easily affected by flirting and such, sure- it's just a bit, I don't know, sad? I guess, since it never really went anywhere with that guy. We grew apart, and never ended up getting closer, and I've never had the chance to let him know I was interested in him the whole time, nor explain the actual situation with the glare I gave him and why it must've seemed so out-of-nowhere (when the truth was I'd just had the shittiest morning imaginable to my teenage self). I did follow him on a social media app with my personal profile some time ago recently though, and he followed me back, so maybe one day we'll reconnect properly, but who knows. It's pretty cliché and I don't actually hold out any hope that the same person who had me weak in the knees in high school would be similarly magnetic to me now that I'm an actual adult, nearly a decade older than I was back then- it's more like, I just have a few regrets, and wish I'd said something back then? But most of all, I hope I can experience a similar kind of attraction again some day, regardless of who it is for. A crush like that, when the other person is also giving signals, is very magical, and the smallest things feel super flustering. It's even better when the other person is a genuinely good person, like he was. Definitely leagues above the trash I was settling for back then because I had zero self-confidence and thought that nobody who actually treated me kindly and with respect would ever truly love me.

Actually, I could honestly talk about that guy for quite a long while, since I have a lot of fond memories of him, and high school in general, but I'd end up going on for even longer, and my main point was to just tell the story of the time I started 'presenting' as an omega (though I didn't know that's what it was until much later), and what I consider to be my first actual heat, as well as talk about the fact that my neck is extremely sensitive and it's always been kind of amusing to me since it's a VERY omega thing.

To the guy I'm talking about, if you somehow find this and thus my blog, firstly, I'm sorry THIS is how you (most likely) find out that I actually had a crush on you the whole time and SECONDLY, I am so sorry you now have to know I'm into some (relatively) weird things. Dm me?

Oh and to anyone who is NOT that guy but recognizes this story and now knows who I am, you didn't see SHIT. Look away, bitch, erase this from your brain, none of your business.

Uhm. Anyway, I wanted to add a bit more about the neck sensitivity, since it's the source of my headcanons for how omegas in general would have very sensitive necks (which is one reason for why some choose to wear collars or chokers or other similar accessories, as a way to feel more "protected" or "covered up")

I ended up discovering a lot of these things later on as an adult, in other relationships I had, but.

Most of my neck is very sensitive. The front (throat) has some spots, but the most noticeably erogenous areas are the sides of my neck, the spots right below my ears and jawbone, and the back of my neck from where my back connects to my neck, all the way up to the base of my skull. The types of touch that tend to get the strongest responses out of me are usually the, someone placing their hand on the back of my neck gently but like, firmly enough to make me aware of it, especially if they're using that to guide me around etc. It feels like a subtle physical "sign of claiming/courting someone", or a signal of intending to do so.

General Headcanons;

Since I tend to imagine bonding bites would be on the back of the neck (muscles, less vessels and delicate structures to injure, etc), it's a sort of headcanon that touching that region in general is a pretty flirtatious/strong signal of intended courtship when done to an omega. It's not necessarily only a courtship/flirtation thing, it could also be a sort of equivalent to scruffing, an action that feels reassuring and causes the omega to subconsciously relax and become calm and agreeable IF done by someone they trust (friend or partner or family, etc). I imagine that some alphas and betas also do it to their omega partners in public on occasion to show to others who might seem interested in the omega, that the omega is already being "courted" or "claimed" (especially when no bonding/mating bites are visible or present for whatever reason). Since the action of placing a hand on the back of an omega's neck is basically covering their scent glands, it has a similar message as kissing your partner some stranger has been oogling, just to let them know they're "not available". I tend to headcanonize that it's seen as rude and intrusive to do it to omegas you do NOT know well, for example first dates, one-night-stands, or people you've just started getting to know, and people who do that before there's been any signals of interest or even courtship are, in many cultures, seen as the asshole type who is just trying to get into the pants of any omega they see. It's not quite a form of PDA, more like a social cue that expresses both interest and intent to the omega without being overly obvious or intimate, as well as gives some "hey back off" type vibes to other people. I imagine this works with betas and alphas too, to some extent, but when done to any other dynamic it's generally seen more as a protective or friendly gesture, instead of one that expresses romantic/sexual interest in any way, since my headcanon is that omegas in general have the most sensitive necks out of any dynamic.

[reenaria]

currently having a queer identity crisis on this accursed holiday

[thedissociatives]

realised over the past few days that apparently it's not normal to give as little amount of fucks as i do

[miserye]

i've been seeing mixed things about the omori manga (i haven't read it or anything) but i've seen that it doesn't follow the game plot which makes sense but also i think that takes away from the appeal of omori

[qaanngi]

Scrolled to 2020 to try and update the file for Theo's birthday pic (HBD to him 💙) and that really was such a wonderful period for me in terms of drawing 🥲

[clementiens]

i'm in the every-3-years medical review for ssi and it's stressing me the Fuck out