#and i can never assume social security is going to see sense

[clementiens]

i'm in the every-3-years medical review for ssi and it's stressing me the Fuck out

[jadelotusflower]

Stargate rewatch: 2x02 - In the Line of Duty

Finally, we get a good Sam-centric episode!

Written by Robert C Cooper and directed by Martin Wood, absolute stalwarts of the show, setting up some pretty foundational lore.

We cold open on this funny little guy, in-media-res as the team is mid-rescue of an unknown populace of indeterminate origin, although based on the costuming and all the red-headed extras, I'm guessing they were going for a Celtic-inspired culture, even if this dude's beard and mustache are giving Edwardian.

Daniel rescues the man we will later find out was held as the host of the Askrak- badly burned, Daniel says to the medic "he's alive but I think he's going to wish he wasn't" - the irony being that after everything that happens, SG1 are going to be the ones who wish he wasn't.

Meanwhile, Sam is performing CPR on the man who was the unknowing host of Jolinar, who jumps into her.

It's a great opening, actually.

Briefing scenes get a lot of grief but this is a particularly good one - we get exposition on the background to the attack, but Daniel is absolutely correct there was a reason the Goa'uld attacked the Nasyans, and Jolinar knows that she was the reason but needs to deflect suspicion. We think the reason Sam is cold to Teal'c is because she's a Goa'uld, and even though we find out later that the Tok'ra are different, they still have a certain superiority and condescension/resentment towards Jaffa so it still makes sense. This tension will be mined effectively in later seasons.

We also see Jolinar doing a pretty good job of emulating Sam, and yet not quite getting it right. It's a great performance by Amanda Tapping playing Sam, Jolinar, and Jolinar pretending to be Sam.

A note on pronouns - in this episode Jolinar is referred to a "he" because they were originally inhabiting a male host and everyone (including Sam) just assumes the symbiote is also male. We find out later that symbiotes (presumably, other than queens) don't really have a gender, but can have a preference as to the gender of their host, and use the corresponding pronouns. It is revealed in a later episode that Jolinar prefers female hosts and is thereafter referred to as "she" so I will use she/her in this post and going forward.

None of this was controversial in the 90's, I don't recall it ever even being discussed in any way other than pertaining to continuity. If the show had come out today social media and youtube would probably be covered in "woke agenda" ragebait. Sometimes a show being a product of it's time can had positive implications as well as negative ones.

There's a nice touch in the scene between Dr Frasier and Sam, the post-mission protocols we never need to see but know must happen offscreen, with Janet checking the back of Sam's neck but of course finding no implantation scar because Jolinar entered through her mouth/back of the throat.

There's some really effective dramatic irony at play here where we know Sam isn't Sam but the characters don't, and yet we don't know that Sam had been taken host by a Tok'ra and not a Goa'uld. Lulling the audience into thinking they know what's going on only to reveal they actually don't can be very effective storytelling.

The Nasyans have been taken to the US Air Force Academy hospital - I suppose it was necessary as they needed medical care the base couldn't provide, but where are the quarantine protocols? What's the security clearance level of this facility?

Janet's assessment of burned man from the cold open hints that something is off as he's still alive after third degree burns to 80% of his body with no signs of infection. We see Sam clock him but it's unclear if she suspects he's host to the Ashrak.

Cassie returns and since she once had a naquadah bomb in her heart, can sense the symbiote in Sam. This is sadly the last time we'll see Katie Stuart as Cassandra, and the character won't reappear at all until season 5 - it's a shame since as Janet's adopted daughter and her closeness to both Jack and Sam she really could have been utilised more.

Jolinar threatens to kills her if she tells anyone, playing into our knowledge of how a Goa'uld would act, but with the benefit of hindsight an indication that while the Tok'ra aren't evil like the Goa'uld, they're not particularly nice either. Doubtless Jolinar never intended to follow through on her threat, but that's hardly the point.

Would she have let off the grenade in the gateroom however? The standoff is ended when the tranquilizer kicks in.

There's a nice Jack and Teal'c scene where Jack is clearly struggling with the situation - he's already lost his surrogate son and best friend to Goa'uld possession, now he's facing losing a member of his team, and we get glimpse of his and Teal'c's relationship as well, where in the same situation Sam might try to comfort him and Daniel might try to get him to talk it out, Teal'c instead gives advice and a harsh but necessary truth: "When you speak to her, do not see your friend."

Meanwhile, Daniel talks with Talia, the wife of Jolinar's previous host. She's played by Judy Norton, who was apparently Mary Ellen on The Waltons, a show I've heard of but never watched.

The facial decoration/tattoos the Nasyans have also kind of resemble a Celtic knot design. Or they could be an extrapolation of Nordic runes.

Daniel is particularly sympathetic because of Sha're, but his personal investment also tends to make him push a bit too far, as we've seen before. It is revealed however that Jolinar was lying dormant for months which is the first clue all is not as it seems.

You might wonder why Jolinar buries the lede on the whole Tok'ra thing, but I think it makes sense - the Tok'ra a secretive by nature and necessity, and Jolinar most of all given her work as an infiltrator and spy, she did not want to reveal her true nature unless she'd tried everything else first.

And try she does - it's unclear whether the glimpse of "Sam" we see is actually Jolinar allowing her to come though or a feint - I lean towards the latter because "Sam's" pleading doesn't seem like how she would act and she calls him "Jack" which she wouldn't do.

Next up is Teal'c - with Jack she tried to barter with Sam's life and the promise she would leave her as a host, with Teal'c she reminds him of the threat the Goa'uld pose and the help she could give them. It's only when that doesn't work she reveals her name and that she is a Tok'ra.

"It seems this Jo-linar is wanted in Gould town." The way RDA delivers dialogue is just chefs kiss.

There's a nice little transition of Daniel's reflection in the briefing room glass, as he points out they don't know what the Ashrak looks like, to the reflection of the Ashrak disguised as a doctor in the Air Force hospital. I see you, Martin Wood, and I appreciate you.

Daniel is deep in his feelings as he goes to see Jolinar but acting very deliberately, not looking at Sam-as-Jolinar and trying to be businesslike by claiming he only came to get a description of the Ashrak - Shanks always brings the subtext to his performance which I appreciate. It's also interesting that Daniel brought Teal'c for support - or maybe Teal'c took it upon himself to be that support for him.

"I will know his face only in the moments before he tortures me to death" is a great line, Tapping does a fantastic job of distinguishing Jolinar's dictation and cadence as different from Sam's.

Daniel tries so hard not to be affected by her (admittedly reasonable) arguments, keeping himself a step removed, until he can't anymore, stepping closer and finally making eye contact to address Sam and say he's sorry. And that's when Jolinar knows to bring out her big guns - she knows where Sha're is.

I think we're meant to believe Jolinar here, and based on what's to come, can assume that she knows Sha're is on Abydos which is what fits the timeline (I know there's a tie-in book that implies otherwise but I haven't read it). It does make me wonder how Jolinar knew where she was - perhaps she was a spy in Apophis and Amaunet's court?

It is interesting the different ways she tries to manipulate the team - with Jack she is borderline disdainful, refusing to answer questions but making promises, to Teal'c she gives orders but does reveal her identity knowing her it would mean more to him, and with Daniel she plays to the personal, dangling what she knows he wants most. Jolinar accurately pinpoints these three men, their relationships to Sam, and the information they'd be most receptive to. It's really well done.

However it's clear that Jolinar does not completely understand human nature or how to best get what she wants from them - if instead of promises and the insistence on blind trust, she had given them some information in good faith, for example told Daniel where Sha're was rather than hold the knowledge hostage, they may have been more willing to treat with her. You give the chocolate bar to get invited to dinner, you know?

But it's worked on Daniel at least, even though he agrees with Jack that Jolinar is playing on his greatest weakness, he points out that they have no other way of saving Sam. Teal'c supports him, although how much this is rational and how much is due to his own compromised emotions when it comes to Sha're is debatable.

LOL, Daniel removing his glasses to make an impassioned point is such as tv production the-glasses-are-reflecting-in-camera thing you just have to go with, since as a glasses wearer myself it’s not a thing that happens irl.

"I will never, never trust a Goa'uld." Heh, this line has some irony going forward.

Security at the SGC is terrible - a failure at the checkpoint doesn't set off a an alarm, really? This very high value prisoner being guarded by two men, and anyone with a keycard can access the cell? Especially when they know the Ashrak is on the loose.

The Askrak kills Jolinar, Teal’c kills the Ashrak, but now Sam has to live with the trauma of the symbiote dying inside her.

This is a great episode, and at least we do see at the end that Sam doesn’t just snap back to normal but struggles deeply with what she went though. Even though Jolinar was a Tok’ra, she still took Sam as a host without consent, trapped and suppressed her mind within itself, and bargained with her friends for her life. It’s Goa’uld coded behaviour! For Jolinar the ends justified the means and perhaps Sam understands that, but it’s still a massive violation, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Sam is forever changed by this experience down to a cellular level.

But you know my favourite thing about this episode? It doesn't revolve around Sam's love life - sadly this will not be the case for most Sam-centric episodes going forward.

[liampaynemysteriousdeath]

ADDICTS CAN BE VICTIMS OF CRIMES TOO!

Too many times when someone is addicted and they pass away, it’s so easy to say it was because of the substances they were using.If you think about, it makes sense why celebs are targeted more, especially if they don’t have security. They have more valuables, they are always showing their movements on social media, so people know when you’re not home.

For example when Paris Hilton was out of town and posting where she was in a different country, her home was robbed of valuables.

Also Kim K situation of her getting valuables stolen.I assume since in my last post I mentioned how the hotel workers had a private chat room about him, that it would be just as easy to set him up, since the employees are spread out around the hotel. I’m sure they have master locks to the safes in hotel rooms. (See TripAdvisor section where I mention more on theft at that hotel).Now back to celebs being victims.Demi Lovato was another victim of a crime and almost lost her life because of laced drggs.I think those drggs Liam took were laced with something.Because liam had obviously tried other American drggs before and those didn’t end him.

Most of the time celebs have certain preferences of what substances they consume. Remember how Demi’s drgg dealler laced her drggs with unknown substances? (She mentions full story in her video documentary for those who want to know more). And I believe she never found out what were in those drgggsAlso most drggg addicts have a certain type of drgg that they like, for example I believe demiHad a go to cocktaiiil of dr*gs she did which was an upper and downer if I remember correctly.I believe in Demi’s case, her drggs were laced with something on purpose so the guy could take advantage of her body. But in Liam’s case, I believe they laced his drgggs so they could take advantage of him to commit theft.

To this day Demi doesn’t know what was in them. She was violated dexually(s) and left for dedd.Another scenario is it’s possible Liam thought he was buying coke, but because Spanish is the main language, things got lost in translation. Hence him receiving “Cristal,” which apparently is a hallucinogenic/causes paranoia.ORAnother scenario is if Liam was unconscious, maybe someone saw that as an advantage to take valuables out of his room and maybe Liam woke up? And the drugs kicked in and he got paranoid and tried to run, not realizing he was back on the third floor and not the lobby.

[sparklecryptid]

For the CorNyx prompts: Cor needs to bring a date to something, and Nyx happens to be free

The Citadel hosts enough events that Cor privately thinks of wringing Regis’ neck every time he and Clarus are put in charge of the security of yet another gala or charity auction that could take place literally anywhere else. It’s annoying to have to figure out logistics and do background checks on each one of the intended guests before the invitations even go out.

Which is to say, spring and summer is the time of year where Cor wonders if it’s too early to retire and leave the Crownsguard to someone else.

The current event is one Cor dreads each time it appears on the social calendar. It is an event that requires he dress up and play nice with people he would much rather have Clarus deal with than deal with himself. Every year Cor has to deal with nobility and etiquette that he never bothered to learn and will never learn just because it makes Clarus sigh whenever Cor commits a faux-pas.

The event to honour the Crownsguard is a stupid one as far as Cor is concerned but it is one that he is not allowed to skip as he is one of the few public facing members of the Crownsguard.

Cor has to stand and pretend to be interested in whatever Lord So-So has to say and fend off more than one proposition to spend the night with Lady Who-Gives-A-Shit and Lord I-Only-Know-Your-Name-Because-You’re-A-Security-Risk.

“If you don’t want to find polite ways to turn people down, find a date,” Regis had said as he looked over the guest list of the nth time.

For once, Regis made sense. Which is what leads to him picking the lock to Nyx’s apartment (if Nyx gave him a key this wouldn’t be an issue but Nyx seems to take far too much delight in installing more complex locks for Cor to pick) and wandering inside without permission.

Nyx is home and looks at Cor like Cor is a stray cat that Nyx has grown fond of.

“You could have knocked,” Nyx points out.

“I need a date,” Cor says and feels pleased with himself as Nyx blinks once, twice before making an amused noise in the back of his throat.

“Can’t get the Captain to do it?”

Cor makes a face. Titus is the last person Cor wants to ask to be his date.

Nyx laughs. The corner of his eyes wrinkling with mirth.

“Alright,” Nyx says as he settles down, “I assume there will be free food?”

“And drinks.”

“You have a date then.”

-

Cor has prepared for many things in his life. He has prepared for war, for being stranded in Niflheim with no backup. Cor prides himself on being ready for almost anything.

Then he sees Nyx wearing a suit and his brain spreads too long turning to mush for Cor to do anything else but stare.

Nyx has always been attractive, Cor knows this. He has seen men and women flirt with Nyx and he has seen Nyx flirt back. It has never bothered him. Why would it? The two of them are friends.

But Nyx is here in a suit that fits him all too well and Cor is staring and debating whether or not Nyx will take offence if Cor asks if they can go back to his place.

He thinks Nyx would, if only because Cor promised him free food.

Nyx smiles when he catches Cor staring, a roguish grin that suits his face a little too perfectly.

“Like what you see?”

“Shut up,” Cor says and will deny that the tips of his ears are pink, “You look good.”

“I should hope so, this is the only suit I have.”

I’ll get you another one, Cor thinks and does not say because Nyx would punch him if he did.

It’s hard to deny his attraction to Nyx. It’s harder to deny it later when the two of them are in one of the gardens the Citadel opened to the public for this event and all Cor wants to do is kiss him.

Nyx is radiant, eyes bright as he tells Cor about something stupid Libertus did when they were children. A hint of wistfulness at the edge of Nyx’s smile as he moves his hands while he talks.

Cor really wants to kiss him.

“Cor, you alright?” Nyx asks with concern coating his voice.

“Yes,” Cor replies immediately, “No. I want to kiss you.”

Nyx flushes at that and Cor wonders if he’s overstepped, if he’s been reading the signals from the past mont wrong but then Nyx looks at him and asks:

“Why don’t you?”

Cor wastes no time in grabbing Nyx by the collar of his stupid suit and kissing him.

[violetlunette]

I’m about to share my unpopular opinion here. Bakugou’s kidnapping should have been the beginning of the end of his hero career, his fall from grace.

Why?

Because the literal scum of Japan view him as one of them. They saw themselves in a hero student.

That should have been enough to get the (trashy irresponsible neglectful) faculty to do some investigations into Bakugou’s behavior and reflect on how much let let him slide without consequences.

And let’s face it, even with Aizawa vouching for him, social media is a place where scandals, incidents, theories, and opinions thrive. We were already introduced to the world of journalism in MHA when the camera quirk journalist wanted to do interviews with class 1A students and how they were willing to breach UA’s security defenses when they heard All Might was teaching there. So it wouldn’t be far fetched to assume that journalists would be interested in an inside scoop.

Articles, meta analysis, and social media posts would be likely to surface, all commenting on how villains sympathize with a person who is supposed to be an aspiring hero, before they all reach the same conclusion; the sports festival.

Disdain would follow soon after. Because to the general public, the LOV targeted Bakugou because he very much acted like a villain. And then things will slowly begin to make sense.

I know this seems like reaching, but I find it very likely for UA to be blamed as well. Not only for the kidnapping taking place but also never stepping in or making any progress in shaping Bakugou up. People will see this and begin to wonder ‘How many villain hopefuls is UA responsible for creating. This will lead to UA having to change policies. To what exactly, I’m not sure.

But one conclusion is clear, either Bakugou is put on academic probation until a police investigation is complete (Again, this is a student who villains thought would make a great addition to the team. That should have been taken more seriously other than a gloss over by Nedzu), or he is removed from the hero course all together.

Either way each result will end in the same way, Bakugou’s reputation would be in shambles (if it wasn’t already due to the sports festival), no one would be able to trust him, and his PR would crumble before it even started. And PR ratings are an extremely important part of heroics that people don’t give enough credit. It doesn’t matter how strong, skilled or smart his is or how much potential he has. A poor PR rating is enough to keep him from rising through the ranks. So his dream of being number one will likely never become a reality.

This incident will very likely follow him for a long time. Even if the hype dies down, any wrong move cause him to lose everything. Let’s be realistic here: we all know how prevalent cancel culture is around the world right? Well, I think it’d be the same situation Bakugou finds himself in. The media will likely watch him like a hawk. Waiting for a mistake or slip up. At any given moment, Bakugou can find himself cancelled just like that. It’s like a metaphorical sword above his head.

On the topic of his friendships and how the class perceives him? I don’t think they’d think badly of him right away. I mean they were all worried about him and some were actually willing to save him. But, they’re bound to be exposed to some mainstream media. They’re teenagers, so they probably have a lot of social media exposure. Just imagine the realization and then the horror.

I’m not saying hear me out, but hear me out.

I think I’ve seen an ask like this on another’s page… Well, while I agree with the sentiment, I disagree. In In-universe, people had bigger issues to deal with than Bakagou; the number one hero was retired and because of that, crime was rising again. Everyone is wondering who is going to be the next #1 and if will he be able to fill All Might’s shoes? At this point, Bakagou meant nothing to them. And even if he did, Bakagou had pity points for being kidnapped and Aizawa’s speech. But yeah, UA should be under hella scrutiny for not just the kidnapping and not curbing Bakagou’s attitude after the sports festival. (Though to be fair to the porcupine, outside of the final exam and a few rude comments, Bakagou didn’t act up as much. Plus, during the sports festival, they encouraged dirty fighting, which is why they didn’t react much there.) Twice the same class was attacked, and once it happened outside of school, proving that they were targets. Yet safety measures were only being taken when a student that a school filled with pro-heroes failed to protect. And let’s be honest, if you’re a reporter, what’s the more interesting story? A teenager who acted like a brat and got kidnapped, or a hero school that’s incapable of protecting its students either due to negligence or incompetence. That being said, if Bakagou fucked up again they would be swooping in like vultures on him.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary305

7/20-21/24

saturday - sunday

feeling semi unhappy for no real reason.

nothing happened really, i just feel so distant from 90% of everyone. impossible to really express like anything, or i dunno. i can't be, i just can't, or something. this doesn't even factor in with the people in my life who i talk to a lot more, who like, mean more to me, than just being, less than acquaintances even, just people i may talk to in a place full of other people, it's being subject to a cafeteria or dining hall as a total social spectacle, rather than like, my friends, even. people i don't even barely know, just people who are evident in public, capable of that, you know. as always, i guess half the point of my self, in situations like that, is that i am uncomfortable to be around, i do it to myself, i guess. but really the alienating factor is one of faith. it's so weird when people pine to be religious. i will never understand. i hate to be like that but actually no i don't and it's not that i'm like that, i was just raised catholic and i'm forever haunted by it, seeing people be like, i wish i were capable of having faith, and the espousing stuff about the universe or how the world is more than meets the eye but that can't find faith for that, it just bothers me, because i'm stuck haunted by notions which led to my abuse, these same senses of meaning, of feeling meaning out, of strictness and adherence to something which produces meaning, it literally produced me as the object of a fantasy of demonic possession, strict faith, true belief, it brings no serenity, it's just pure terror, at the bottom, it's just a bunch of terror in people, i guess no one's ever secure in anything, never ever, but it just bothers me. it's always internet people that make me feel that. anyone who does believe, that's another story, they do and that's that, i just can't stand people who go off and wish they convert, they do a little while, convert back, always hunting for what people like my stepmother possessed and what that is was total horror, nothing good in the world existed, especially not in oneself, you were up next at the scaffold for hanging and then you would be measured, done away with. i've seen too often the sorry things that happen to people who only have that. maybe that's not what they talk about. i mean it obviously isn't. it just feels connected. religiosity gives so many people some convenience, they assume only upon gaining access to that, they can begin to unravel the sublime or whatever, in truth you submit that whole portion of existence to a rubric, you make use of it.

anyway. i don't mean to be like that... really... what does it matter ultimately... it just feels so... i dunno... it's people who spend too much time on twitter at the end of the day, reaching for something like profundity, wanting something other than that, i'd want anything else too i guess.

i'm just being condescending. i don't mean to. i just can't articulate these thoughts well. i'm not even sure if i'm totally agreeing with myself. it just feels negative, at the end of all of it, i dunno. it's not that i think they're going to turn abusive, i just feel like i've been there, i've seen it, i've seen faith, inside of a person, anything that happened to me, that doesn't even matter, i have seen faith inside of a person and it's this absorption of doctrine, and adherence, and gluing oneself to that, following the line, and at the highest levels people may have visions, heaven, whatever, but as one stays the path, all the heat of those visions is not much more than a nectar which subsists a long and cold suffering, an attempt at atonement for nothing in particular which is far too much, hazel motes wrapped in barbed wire, my stepmother in her bed ill, always ill and her back killing her slowly, immobile, and when mobile, judging the whole earth, when she thinks herself dying, she was sorry, the path was stuck, the visions of god, of heaven, of judgment arrive, your life is the dialectic of fear. i cannot stand it, and maybe i am too catholic, but i can't manage any other vision, i see it all in so much, and god means nothing to me. perhaps i am just rebelling fruitlessly, maybe i really still believe all the horror deep down without the escape, maybe this is the tragedy of bataille, of anyone, raised in that, i burn off faith in god and anything beyond material, but this tragic vision remains, the terror of the shadow burned into the air around me, everything else. i don't like that anyone should want this experience. there is no peace in church, only this great howling, failure at harmony in sermon, only ritual which loses all waste, there is nothing at all.

of course, no one could know this is what i feel, or what anyone thinks, it's insane to even think this would come to people's minds, it doesn't, maybe that i feel it should, they won't experience this though. they will read the bible, they will learn, they'll feel things in their hearts. they will not beg god for any number of things, they will confess, they might be forgiven, i never could be, i was not baptized, i was hovering through, subject without operation i suppose. it will go on like this for others, they might emerge unhappy as well.

all these thoughts are, in the end, all anyone could really say to this is "well, that's true for you," and it is and that's the end of that. just a dimness here, nothing else.

putting it in words really doesn't make it any better. and i feel so inarticulate. i guess it's good. i will go and try to write from this. i did earlier, too.

i think it was productive in other writing, so it's not a waste, something is quelled for now at least. but it's always defeat for me. no matter what, that's why i keep doing anything though. so i want to lose, honest! i really mean it.

maybe loving failure means i am not cut out to care about politics, or maybe it just means i am a very good communist. at the end of the day...who cares... really... i dunno. i guess i do. but only enough to make myself sad.

anyway, here are some selfies from yesterrrdddayyyyy,,,,:

without the funny glasses... idk why i felt it was necessary to take this one... also i need to clean tha mirror. it makes me feel #stupid.

definitely tooooo many... but whatever. i am glad i did the funny myspace angle, or kind of the myspace angle. i guess it's myspace when you're holding the cam way out and point it at yrself.

also really hilarious to look through my selfies while listening to crystal castles. i am a joke , to my self.

ofc it is their first record, also, cuz i really like the scuzziness of that in particular.

anyway, cuz of my #freakout i got a bunch of writing out of myself today. i also did work on music, one song for the ep, i worked on mixing that, and then i decided this week i'll try that song contest thing, w/ the samples. i guess it's one that's easier on me, tomorrow we'll see how i do, but it's basically just that we have to use any sample cd we want and then use some of those to make a song. i decided to try and do something dance-y, rather than just straight punk-y noisy stuff, just because, idk, i feel like i ought to try to keep that exercised. the song i think tomorrow i'm gonna do some last minute changes, because i don't really like the opening atm, it's kind of a weird vestigial idea to what emerged as i wrote the thing out. it turned into, idk, it's hard to describe, but really it feels like the kinda thing i tend to make, when i am trying to make anything poppy/catchy, a lot of melodies overlapping and overly energetic drumszszszszsz. i also feel like i cheated because i only used the samples for drums but idk. i like writing my own melodies. i don't like having to work around a set thing melodically, not because it makes it hard to write it just feels like, it sticks you in a direction.

i guess that's obvious. maybe i could try to find something that harmonizes w/ it though. idk, though. honestly that doesn't feel so important. it's just my m.o. at this point to show up and have something that's just someone kind of fucking around and show that off.

anyway... here's a cute photo i found of a pullip x melody crossover. i feel like it's been a very long time since i've seen melody look so simple...

i guess it's because she is usually not red... or... is that newer? yeah it seems so. it used to be red cuz she was depicted as little red riding hood at first. maybe this is my calling. get really into sanrio lore... i mean no tbh i am not a sanrio head, i prefer looking at these old dolls but that is a fun idea.

wow . look at this pullip. her name is "withered" .

her "feel like so" is:

Feeling cold wind through my cheek. Walking fallen leaves tree avenue aimlessly, to the places someone or something waiting for me…..

-withered pullip.

#wow #insane #beautiful poetry imo.

the botched translation too, really adds to a genuine kind of beauty to it. walking fallen leaves tree avenue aimlessly. i feel like this has to be spread around or something . maybe i need to steal this for something.

also wow:

beautiful friendship.

ok last one but this one's feel like so is like demented:

I have been exposed to the cold rain since I can remember….. Tears are peanut & helplessness. ……Feel like so.

should i write my little preamble thing before the diary entry as a feel like so every day? maybe i should just do it sometimes, as a little exercise. the broken grammar / style would be a fun exercise as well. imagining myself as writing these feel like so things as a kind attempt to attack prefab stuff a la surrealists, or an attempt to dig into the subterranean matter contained within the notion of the feel like so format. the poetics of feel like so. obviously silly but maybe this is something that could work well with ddrawing? which i still need to work on #bitingoffmorethanicanchewbecauseiamlikecrazyweakandstuff.

anyway i need to sleep. i am tiredddd!

so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[wubwubnparmaham]

how do you think the world would react to immortality and what would be the reaction of historians and people overall of alexander still being around and not only him but of other historical figures

In like a literal sense? If you mean our world, how would we react, the first thing I would see happening (depending on how this knowledge came to be in the open) is a lot of divisive conclusions about the validity of it. I can see people hopping onto forums and calling it fake news to the ends of the earth, so there would need to be some substantial proof for the non-believers to not just assume it was some scare tactic on the government's part, or like a distraction, similar to those UFO documents from the CIA coming out during other global crises that needed the public's attention there instead (Ukraine, Palestine, etc). Since the government has a habit of doing that kind of shit, I think even I would be skeptical at first.

Considering the eventual reality that it is confirmed and believed by all, then a lot of other shit might happen.

I think scientists and the government would be quick to lull the public into saying they were "looking into" and "dealing with it" and "not to worry", but secretly the government would probably be panicking, preparing the military for defensive action and rallying the national guard, and I think if they could manage it, scientists would absolutely capture one and try to figure out what the fuck was going on physically.

Over time, if immortals weren't keen on fighting a war against humans and no real violence ever came, people's mindsets would shift to desire instead, wanting to become immortal themselves to escape the ever-encroaching death day in their futures.

I think that would divide society even further. People would be separated into "human purists" and "sympathizers", and the former would have some moral high ground standpoint against the latter, calling immortals and all who wanted to be them abominations against our species.

Tensions would probably rise in the public as those warring mindsets duked it out, and a lot of people would get more and more nervous about the fact that billionaires were already or were becoming immortal, corporations and their execs, government bodies, and global leaders were now unstoppable. Even I hate the thought of that.

If the world is ever proven to be run entirely by people (potentially tyrannical people) who WILL NEVER DIE, the indomitable human spirit would win out and we would fight back heavily, good odds or not. Likely, by becoming immortal ourselves, to be able to stand a chance against them. The more hesitant people in the earlier stages might jump at the chance to become immortal too, similar to how I would think many anti-gun people wouldnt think twice about running off and securing as many guns as humanly possible if the government / military ever actually started attacking us (but thats a whole different can of worms).

Warfare would be absolutely inevitable, and it would likely rip nations apart. I'm not sure HOW it would end, really, but there would be a lot of death before any kind of resolution.

When it comes right down to it, I don't think the historical figures aspect would mean much in the end. I think at first, that concept would be gripping, and if anyone ever got a chance to hear from them, they wouldn't even blink as they listened closely to their stories on television or social media. But given that the historical figures may not be the ones in power, the attention would naturally shift to who was immortal and in power at the same time, because that would be the biggest threat, and a very valid threat at that.

As far as my reaction to that historical figure aspect goes, if I ever heard that Alexander the Great was an immortal, I would simply shrug and say "I know." 😂

And would I become immortal? Yes. And maybe in this hypothetical world of ours, I already was one the whole time, and Love Endless was just a subtle tell-all before the world knew the truth. But if I hadn't been, I would become so happily, and the 1%ers would absolutely be my first target.

[papercranesandpride]

Hello! I just wanna let you know I'm so glad you're on Tumblr! Missed you on Instagram

Sincerely, another genderfuckery enthusiast <3

Hello! Thank you! It's funny because I'm only more of a genderfuck these days, but I really don't post that much about gender on here anymore. I talked a lot about gender when I was on Instagram because I was very much still figuring out my identity and still not confident in it (despite what I was projecting) and that's how I was working through it. Now I've known I'm nonbinary for almost 4 years (in June) and it's just a fact. I am secure in my identity and presentation. I don't question it. I know what I am. I am a femme genderfuck and that's that. I even finally went to just it/its which really has been a long time coming. It's funny, because I held off for so long because I thought I'd miss she/her, but as soon as I dropped it, hearing people call me she felt like misgendering. After a week someone called me "she" and I genuinely looked around to see who he was talking about. I mean, obviously I still go by she/her at work and stuff because like... I work in a nursing home. Obviously I have no desire to explain it/its pronouns to my patients or the extremely cishet people who work in nursing. But at this point the people I care about know what I prefer.

Now this account very much reflects what I'm currently very much working on embracing, which is being (allosexual) aromantic and aplatonic. It's wild because I first realized I was aro at 15—because I thought I was aroace. The second I realized I was very much allosexual and had just been repressing hard, I assumed that I had to be alloromantic too and I was only starting to accept otherwise before I dropped off Instagram. That's why I'm so militantly alloaro and against alloaro erasure—the belief that aro and ace have to go together meant that for 4 years I was in denial about being aro even though I'd already realized I was aro before.

As for being aplatonic? That's pretty recent- oh my god it's been 3 months? When did that happen? Okay anyway honestly that one I really should have realized sooner given that the first time I heard about aplatonicism, my reaction was "I'm glad they've found a label that works for them and I'd never publicly say anything to discourage that... But I don't actually think being aplatonic is real because obviously no one actually feels platonic attraction." Yeah. Yeah turns out people do feel platonic attraction, that was just me. I'd already realized I wasn't quite normal about friending, with the way I didn't mind going months without seeing friends and didn't miss them if the friendship ended, and so as soon as I went "hey this friendship breakup feels just like the romantic breakup that in hindside made me realize I was aro. So like. Logically that must mean I'm apl" everything made so much sense. I am incredibly social, and I really like peopling, but I don't actually have the platonic feelings to go with it. Socializing is an activity that I like. It's not really about relationships to me beyond "this is the person I gel really well with and can talk to about these topics."

Anyway! That was a ramble! I just appreciated the excuse to catch you up, anon! Point is, expect less genderfuckery and more being aspec, but not in the stereotypical way because I'm not aroace and I don't elevate friendship to ridiculous levels of importance.

[jonathankatwhatever]

It’s 6 Mar 2024, continuing from earlier. Just had an interesting thought, that I experience a heuristic, a patch, a renormalization if I can get there, when the results of me continuing this work come out less than optimal for me, for my current well being, for the efficiency of something measurable like money in my pocket, like not having to worry about money all the time, which is the way most people live, though not perhaps because they’re obligated to this work and its quality of being an inescapable burden.

A renormalization if I can get there. Can I? I have no idea where to start. Renormalization takes actual and the fact that actual Attaches to 1Space, which enables the gap to be treated using idealized conceptions because those are the 1Space idealizations which fill that gap. What else can they be? It’s the same as with the Informational Limit. View it as 3, as an SBE: there’s this space that we know and sometimes love, sometimes hate, sometimes feel a part of, sometimes feel detached from, and we’re in that space and can’t see past or out of it, and then there’s an intermediary Between which consists of those idealizations, of all that gs process which either converges to some End or diverges, and I have no idea what that means. What does it mean? A specific location in the infinite or something perhaps hyperbolic. Beats me. It feels like divergence can identify what is being diverged from because each divergence is unique, at least up to some count.

Identifies an End by exclusion? Infers. Example would be that a predator stays out of the lines of perception of the prey. Each of those, like smell or movement or sound or associated effects on others, has an area of convergence in the sense that it can detect or not and detect can be measured in some way, often by area and direction. This constructs a divergence from getting into perception. This includes pretending while visible.

The argument is similar to tunneling through a lattice. The stuff I’m perceiving now is old Storyline: the way to cut off or to enhance lattice throughput is through CR imposing multiple NP layers. As in, fit an impossibility to each Pathway, where an impossibility is at an Attachment, meaning not intruding into the 0Space.

I have a few things I’ve been unable to get out. Not sure why. One is that I think the cat has a certain amount of activity needs and those can be filled up. Same for a dog or any animal. This is because being aware requires activity.

Wow, I just found out we have maybe $1000 less money each month than anticipated. That’s going to hurt a lot. I don’t know if I’ll be able to afford to stay alive much longer. Wow. That’s a blow I truly didn’t expect. We got a social security statement showing one number and the web says much, much less.

That wasn’t the other thing. The other thing is that for a long time now I’ve rattled on in my head and in words that I’m not part of your life, that I’m not visible in it. And I argue with myself over the extent to which my conception of you as a being is reasonable, or if I’m making all this up, or if this is all being told to me like a story and this happens to be the story which associates to me and to you but without any connection. And I’m drawn repeatedly into this tangle of why this is happening then, and the best retort so far is that this is the life which grabbed me, which is being played out for me, and that it has no bearing on anything else, that all the Mission stuff is part of the invention, that this isn’t some great plot but a small plot isolated to me and the few people to whom I directly connect. And that would be my curse, maybe a Cursed Man is my real name, to work out all this material to never know it is true. I am old and have no reputation to get anyone to pay attention to anything I might contribute. In the Storyline, this translates into mutual need pairings, but that assume Storyline is real beyond me.

[toki-lovetooth]

by u/zze_MONSTA1 on reddit, r/lawofattraction

There is a BIG ass difference between saying an affirmation or seeing one scene and being in the state of the scene/affirmation.

Hi everyone

I've been talking to some of you and reading some posts here and i think there is a misunderstanding about what occupying a state means, so I wanted to write this in case this may clarify anyone's questions.

***

I read a post here yesterday, where op said that things manifest easily when you put not to much effort on it, or where you just state something and just go on with your life, rather than trying to get into some "specific state". And i think this is a misunderstanding on what really means to get into a state.

(i made this post for Neville Goddard sub, i post it here because they remove everything lol, in case someone wonders which post I'm talking about, is on Neville's sub)

Get into a state of being is seeing something as true at this moment.

For example, lets say my name is Jenny. This is a state of being. Because i accept as true that my name is jenny, and this state will have effects on my behavior, actions and feelings. one example of this will be that if someone calls me Laura, i would not turn around because that is simply not my name so i would not identify with the word "Laura".

This exact same thing happens when you occupy a new state of being. you will not relate to things the way you used to.

so lets say I'm poor but now I'm occupying the state of "I'm wealthy".

if I'm REALLY on this state of being, my self will be deeply affected by this fact. some examples of this may be:

- if I see things I like to buy I don't see them as "a dream" but something that is very easy for me to get

- if I have debts "physically" I would not be affected by them because I am wealthy now, so even though I see some "old echoes" of my old reality, I will remain stable because I know myself to be wealthy now.

- I will sleep without worries because I have all the money I need to be secure

this is occupying a state, melting in it, being affected by a truth.

Now lets see the example of not occupying a state.

if I see as truth that I'm poor, and that I need money with urgency and therefore I'm in the state of "I'm poor and I'm desperate for money", I will also be deeply affected by this fact, and my actions will come out of this, for example:

- I may search all day everyday for jobs desperately

- I may feel anxiety all day and this feeling of uncertainty

- I may feel jealous and sad every time I go on social media and I see people being successful and rich

BUT here is the thing, this last person if they know about manifestation THEY WILL AFFIRM AND VISUALIZE ALL DAY TO GET TO HOPEFULLY MANIFEST BEING RICH SOME DAY. This action is coming directly from the "I'm poor" state. And they can affirm or visualize or do sats all their life if they want to, but these actions cannot have effects because this is coming directly from taking as fact that they are poor.

You are not manifesting something you are.

So when you effectively occupy a state of being, ironically, the "effort" and struggle and doing techniques 24/7 makes no sense! you are it you have it done!

When you "create" something in your reality you are never manifesting it, you are just assuming the role of already having it, and if you have it, why would you struggle?, why would you put effort or try really hard to get or be something?

To go back to what i said at the beginning about the post, the thing is, not putting effort into something is closer to being into the state than "shifting or manifesting it", that is why people have experiences about letting go, where they have been months "manifesting" it and then they let go and it happens, its because the state of not struggling is closer to the state of having.

So how is really occupying a state of being?

you assume something as true for you now, good, now how that effects your being?

are you calmer? do you have more energy? do you have more fun? do you feel any anxiety?

You will find that if you are embodying something you love and you are seeing it as a fact, you have no "hard work" to do, no mental diets no affirmings all day no "fuck I didn't do sats today", nothing.

SO JUST HAVING FUN AND MOVING ON WITH YOUR LIFE IS BEING IN THE STATE.

I'm not against techniques, I'm against seeing techniques as "techniques", "techniques" is just feeling and thinking, you do it automatically, so just assume something as true NOW, and let that truth affect your being, how do you think now that you are rich? do you feel grateful about it? or you literally don't think about money now that you have it?. how do you think now that you are married? do you think about how great your relationship is? or you barely think about it because is already so normal to you?

there is no correct answer to these questions, some people will be in the honey moon phase with their spouse and will think about it a lot, some people will hardly think about it once they are married. the point is that reflect on what that means to YOU.

And just embody that.

“Now most of us, knowing what we want, construct it in our minds eye, but never occupy it. We never move into the state and remain there. I call this perpetual construction, deferred occupancy. I could dream of owning a lovely home and hope to go there one day; but if I do not occupy it now, in my imagination, I postpone it to another day. I may wish my friend had a better job. I may have imagined him having it; but if I don't occupy that state by believing he is already there, I have merely constructed the state for him but not occupied it. All day long I can wish he or she were different; but if I don't go into the state and view him from it, I don't occupy the state, so he remains in the unlovely state relative to me. This is the world in which we live.” - Neville Goddard

Here Neville is talking about this, "we can know what we want and construct it into our minds eye" meaning you can visualize or affirm "but never occupy it" meaning you never take it as a fact.

The important thing here is not how much "impressing the subconscious/reprograming/ hammering affirmations" is that you see something as true NOW and then you will see how you think and feel (techniques) accordingly without effort.

Being in a state never means effort, because the acceptance of something you want as true will strip from you all need to make it happen.

zee

by u/zze_MONSTA1 on reddit, r/lawofattraction

[dzpenumbra]

7/2/23

Two more night cycles to go and then it's National Blow shit up to remind people of what the cannon fire sounded like when our adult males were getting blown to pieces trying to secure independence from greedy politicians who were excessively taxing their colonies Day. It's a good thing we still celebrate holidays for what they actually are. By getting piss drunk on cheap beer, watching people set off increasingly excessive amounts of fireworks, complaining about how we thought it was going to be cooler... or... about how they kinda overdid it... I honestly... I'm not sure what holidays are actually left that aren't religious holidays that still hold their actual meaning. That meaning... holidays which are still celebrated by the majority as they were intended. We have somehow managed to make literally every holiday revolve around work, money and material possessions. It's just upsetting.

Maybe I'm just hearing the loudest voices. I really hope so, I've been feeling that way for a while... like, I struggle to get out and shit because of crippling anxiety stuff, and that oscillates into the realm of agoraphobia sometimes... and most of it... I've been really feeling like it stems from just... hearing the loudest, craziest, most extreme voices. And those people being massively amplified.

I see the worst case scenarios, the outliers, and I just... assume that most people are like that. Why? Because I was surrounded by fucked up people my whole life and never knew it. It just feels like it's so rare that people are good, and kind, and generous, and selfless, and compassionate. Because that's been my personal experience. And I want so bad to believe that there is a decent percentage of good people out there, but my survival instincts... the clusters of neurological tissue hugging my brainstem that are trained to keep me alive and intact... they are pretty familiar with what happens when you make friends with wolves in sheep's clothing. So... it's like any social step forward can feel like not just a leap of faith, but a battle against my own reflexes.

I'll get there. In time. Again, I just need to build a bigger bank of good social experiences, and the mental fire alarm will start calibrating back to something a bit more live-able.

I am actually nodding off, I have no idea if I'm even making sense. It's super hot and humid, and late. And I did exhausting yoga and a big workout today. I started with dreams about my dog, which was hard. Then woke up right as my Instacart delivery was en route. The guy refunded half of my essentials - two bags of granola for breakfasts, and two bags of chicken for dinners... And I had zero time to figure that out because I was fucking asleep, he had already checked out, no replacements, just straight to refund. I'm still upset about that. So... I'm gonna have to figure that out.

But I went to get my food and had no problems at all. No anxiety, no stress, nothing. Just popped some gum so I didn't overwhelm anyone with morning breath and just did my thing.

I did a new yoga video, it was intense but it was nice. I did my workout, which was super intense. Lots of kicks, and my hips are just... not great. So... I did my best. But I'm definitely noticing a difference in my range of motion, which is good.

Showered, played Hades, made really good veggie burritos for dinner and streamed. I streamed Blender animation. It went... good at first, but I got to a point where I put the cart ahead of the horse and... now I have to redo probably about half an hour of work. Not the end of the world, but enough for me to be upset. I called it there, ended the stream and played Hades again to round the night out. No one came to stream again. I really need to do something about that. Again, I think social media is the answer, I just need to build a habit.

Here's an idea... I'm gonna be ending this journal in just over a month. I think, I'm not sure. It's weird, I've grown so used to doing this, it's hard to imagine not doing it. But... around new years, my goal became to do this for an entire year, every night. And I think the year mark is around August 22ish. So... maybe when I end here... I do blogging on my primary account - which currently has absolutely fuck-all on it. Maybe a bit less personal... and more... about life stuff? And things I'm learning, things related to my work, my research, skills I'm developing, shit like that? Maybe less therapy-type stuff and more... things directly related to pieces I'm doing. And I can just slot that in where my current journaling time is. So I can be steadily putting out stuff on my social media. I mean, I have a social media habit, you're looking at it right now... I just... I've been using it as a social experiment rather than actually attempting to connect with people. It's not a bad plan, it's something, I'll keep thinking it over. I really should keep journaling too though... so... that's a bit messy... Hmm...

So yeah, it can be a bit depressing streaming to no one. But I've been doing it for years now. It just is what it is. Honestly, it's much less pressure with no VoDs on. Then I only have to worry about people watching in the moment, not anyone who might be digging through my recorded streams. And I don't have to worry about any potential DMCA, even though I have my audio split anyway.

Anyways, it's getting super late so I'm gonna do tarot and call it a night because I'm actually nodding off... and I really just want to lay in front of my fan.

Past - Four of Cups, inverted (Apathy, disinterest.  Being offered gifts and opportunities, but being uninterested.) Present - Seven of Wands, inverted (Standing your ground, defending your position; often when heavily outnumbered.  Courage, strength, fortitude and aptitude.) Future - Six of Cups, inverted (Nostalgia, memories, past relationships.  Learning from and reconciling with the past, to create a better future.)

First one is a new one, inverted Four of Cups. But I vaguely remember this one from when I was studying the Black Tarot, my other deck. The Three of Cups is the party card, the Four of Cups represents the hangover. That's all I really remember about it, so... I'd guess... sluggish, recovering, not feeling well? I'll study it at the end of this and add it to my doc.

This is connected to inverted Seven of Wands. Damn, another new one. I could only speculate about this, so I'm going to leave it for now.

The final card is the inverted Six of Cups. I have gotten this one time before. I think it's... reflection? Reflecting on past experiences and learning from them in order to move forward? Cups are all about emotions... Five we got last night, it's grief/sorrow/loss. So, I see Six as like... learning lessons from the past in order to overcome grief and move forward.

Alright, let's learn us some cards, shall we? Welp, I was... pretty far off with my speculation on Four of Cups. Four of Cups is apathy, it's turning away opportunities and offers out of disinterest. So, I mean... in a way the hangover idea fits? Kinda? But it's more emotional than having overdone it and just not feeling well. And I keep getting flashes back to... what I call "past lives"... past incarnations of myself from my late 20's and even early 20's, when I would just... out-of-hand dismiss offers from people, kindness from people. Which, now? In this social drought? Seems ludicrous. And there is regret and shame attached so it's difficult to engage with, but that lack of emotion, that symbol, that action... I'm assuming that is what the card is referring to as a source, and that apathy really wreaking havoc on my life, and I was very well stuck in it for a long fuckin time.

Next is Seven of Wands. This one is kinda intense. It's having the courage to stand your ground and defend yourself when severely outnumbered. At first glance, it's weird that wands have so much conflict-related stuff (you'd think swords would be more about conflict) but wands are fire... so... that kinda comes with the territory. So the whole... kinda being stuck in dysfunctional apathy and aloofness thing... it led to situations where I really should have been standing my ground, setting firm boundaries, having pride and confidence in myself and my life... my new self and my new life. And... I didn't. I was blocked, I caved. I failed to have the courage many of the times, and when I did? It took a heavy toll. But throughout, I was very fearful, trembling.

This resolves in an inverted Six of Cups. Which is actually pretty super dead on, actually. Struggling to connect with my past, and because of that disconnect, struggling to learn those lessons accurately in order to be prepared for the future. In fact, on stream today, I was considering playing Corelia's album from 2012. It used to be one of my favorite albums back then, I even did vocal covers of two of their songs. And I really feel uncomfortable even thinking about connecting with things from the past a lot of the time. One, because it's a reminder that I'm getting old very quickly. Two, because... of what happened in-between? All the things I've lost? I don't know. It's a haunting feeling. Hard to put in words. Nostalgia has not felt good for me in a while, it feels like... like seeing a ghost. It's eerie and unsettling, and I guess I've been afraid of the memories and associations that come with it. Periphery III is a great example of that. That album has multiple waves of trauma associated with it. And soon... soon I will be able to reclaim it. But this inverted Six of Cups really screams that specific problem to me. Not being able to connect with memories in a healthy way, so... because of that... I struggle to shape a clear perspective image in order to feel safe moving forward.

Very powerful message tonight. My past apathy (both med induced and... upbringing/depression induced) led to a series of massive defeats after I reconnected with my emotions, and both of these have put me in a state where I struggle to put the lessons I was supposed to learn from the past into practice, because of the emotional minefield back there. Let's see if the placeholder card has anything to contribute. The Sun. Revelation, the road ahead, optimism, growth. After three inverted cards. XD How weird is it that the culmination of that message is a struggle looking at the road behind, when the context card - the card I use to hold my place in the reference book when looking up definitions - represents the road ahead.

Maybe I should try that album out tomorrow. Might be a good time to reclaim some of my past, and prove to myself that these are still beautiful things. Just because they were in proximity to painful things, doesn't mean they themselves should be associated with them. It's tough with music though, music resonates emotion with me so intensely.

Anyway, it's super late. Bed.

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

I suspect quite a few people on this site don’t realize they are struggling with the effects of chronic trauma. In particular I think more people need to learn about the symptoms of C-PTSD.

Distinct from general PTSD, Complex PTSD is caused by prolonged, recurring stress and trauma, often occurring in childhood & adolescence over an extended period of time. There are many risk factors, including: abusive/negligent caregivers, dysfunctional family life, untreated mental/chronic illness, and being the target of bullying/social alienation.

I’m not a mental health professional and I’m not qualified to diagnose anyone, I just remember a million watt light bulb going off in my head when I first learned about C-PTSD. It was a huge OH MY FUCKING WORD eureka moment for me—it explained all these problems I was confused and angry at myself for having. The symptoms that really stood out to me were:

Negative self-perception: deep-seated feelings of shame, guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, and stigma. Feeling like you are different from everyone else, like something is fundamentally ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ with you.

Emotional avoidance of topics, people, relationships, activities, places, things etc that might cause uncomfortable emotions such as shame, fear, or sadness. Can lead to self-isolation.

Learned helplessness: a pervasive sense of powerlessness, often combined with feelings of desensitization, wherein you gradually stop trying to escape or prevent your own suffering, even when opportunities exist. May manifest as self-neglect or self-sabotage. (I remember watching myself make bad choices and neglect my responsibilities, and having no idea why I was doing it, or how to stop myself. Eventually I just stopped caring, which led to more self-neglect.)

Hyper-vigilance: always feeling “on edge,” alert, unable to relax even in spaces that should feel safe. May be combined with an elevated “flight” response, or feelings of always being prepared to flee. (I used to hide important documents and possessions in a sort of emergency go bag, even when I was living alone and there was no logical reason other than it made me feel “prepared.”)

Difficulty regulating emotions: may include mood swings, persistent numbness, sadness, suicidal idealization, explosive anger (or inability to feel anger and other strong emotions), inability to control your emotions, confusion about why you react the way you do.

Sense of foreshortened future: assuming or feeling that you will die young. Recurring thoughts that "I'll be dead before the age of 30/40/18/21 etc." As a teenager I used to joke darkly that I didn't plan to live past 30—not because I planned to end my life, but because I simply couldn't imagine myself alive and happy in the long-term. I couldn't imagine a meaningful future where I wasn't suffering.

Emotional flashbacks: finding yourself suddenly re-experiencing feelings of helplessness, panic, despair, or anger etc, often without understanding what has triggered these feelings. Often these flashbacks don’t clearly relate to the memory of a single event (since C-PTSD is caused by repetitive events, which can blur together), making them harder to identify as flashbacks—especially if you’ve never heard the phrase “emotional flashback” and don’t know what to look for. For years I just filed it under “sometimes I overreact/freak out randomly for no reason, probably bc I am just a terrible human being.” (It turns out there was very much a reason, it was just hidden in the past. I have since learned to be kinder and less judgemental towards myself.)

There are other symptoms too, here are more links with good info.

I’ve been meaning to write this post for awhile, because I’ve noticed that a lot of the people I interact with online have risk factors and experiences similar to mine. These include:

growing up in a dysfunctional household

having caregivers who do not fulfill basic emotional needs (do not provide consistent positive attention, encouragement, support, acceptance, communication, a sense of safety and security)

on a very related note, experiencing neglect or abuse at the hand of caregivers or other adults. I also want to emphasize the significance of emotional abuse, since it is hard to recognize, easy to ignore, and utterly rampant in so many communities. In general, family dysfunction, abuse & neglect are quite difficult to identify when you are a child/teen and that is the only “normal” you have known.

(For example, in my family it manifested as an emotionally absent father I was vaguely frightened of, constant nagging from a hypercritical mother, and a house full of people who yelled and screamed at each other. It took me years to realize I grew up in an abusive environment, because there was no physical violence, because I participated in the fighting, and because my behavioral problems made me the family scapegoat. And I internalized that guilt: I thought I was the problem. But no—I was a child, and I deserved not to grow up in a household full of anger and fear and negativity. You deserved that too. You deserved to grow up safe and loved and treated with kindness.) 

anyway back to more risk factors:

being neurodivergent or chronically ill (especially without receiving proper treatment/support/accommodation)

being queer (especially in a conservative or undiverse community, or without the support and acceptance of family & friends)

being the target of bullying or harassment (from peers, teachers, authority figures, irl, online, etc)

being isolated or alienated from peers, from family, from your wider community.

growing up with chronic anxiety, discomfort, pain, fear, or distress caused by any of the above and more.

There are many other experiences that can cause chronic trauma, but these are some particularly common ones I see people in my own community struggling with. And I want more people to be aware of this, because we’ve been taught to ignore and second-guess the significance of our traumatic experiences. We’ve been taught to feel guilty for our own pain, because “other people aren’t struggling, so I shouldn’t either” or (contradictorily) “other people have it worse, so I shouldn’t complain.” But that’s not how it works—you are not other people, and you deserve to have it better. We all deserve better. We deserve to be happy. We deserve not to be in pain.

I used to think I couldn’t have a trauma disorder because (I argued in my head) the things that happened to me weren’t that bad. And then I spent five years in therapy learning to accept the full extent of my issues. I’ve since learned that trauma comes in many forms, and can happen quietly, invisibly, silently, chronically, and usually without the survivor being aware of the long-term repercussions of what they are surviving. That revelation comes later, after you have survived and must instead learn to live.

Finally, no single type of trauma is more real or harmful than any other. Severity is measured by the way the individual is affected, and the same situations affect different people in different ways. Because no one gets to choose how their brain reacts to trauma. No one gets to choose their hurt—otherwise there would be a hell of a lot less hurting in the world.

We can, however, choose to seek help. We can learn to recognize when something is wrong, we can learn when to reach out to professionals, and we can learn to educate ourselves on our injuries.

And gradually, we can learn to heal.

(posts like this brought to you by ko-fi supporters)

[studiojeon]

use me | jjk

this is part of my troubled outsiders series. i think you can read this by itself though :)

| summary | -   Jungkook was not someone to establish relationships and bonds out of interest, you knew that. Or maybe not, truth be told, he was an authentic enigma, so open yet so closed and shielded from others to see through, and that didn’t exclude you.

warnings: language (?), mentions of hook ups and situationships. mentions of emotional trauma.

contents: a compilation of moments that contributed to the growth of their relationship, jungkook is hard to read, jungkook is hard to read, jungkook is hard to read and sus. oc is kinda whipped and scared af. chaeryeong knows who you are and where you live. jk and oc are scared to let each other in. friends to lovers, idol!jungkook x student!oc.

author’s note: i hate this, but i have to get it off my chest. (the narration is off af but if i keep it in my drafts for longer this will never see the light of the day). p.s. thank u so much for the support on the last drabble <3

playlist: rain by trey songz (feat. swae lee). 

words: 4.75k

“JK?” as his broad back faces you, you call out his name timidly, not missing the way he swiftly turns around as soon as he hears his name come from your lips. Hair wet and darker than usual, a very big sweat stain at the center of his hoodie. He had just gotten out of practice, you assumed. 

“___?” he replied with the initials of your name as well, one of his tired grins plastered on his face, he must have been exhausted. You had caught on to him just as he walked out of the practice room in front of the elevator on your way to your office, right when you needed him, but now you weren’t so sure if it was a good idea to pester him. Even so, you didn’t know anyone else you could ask for help, aside from Linh who was currently in her own office doing other tasks you had assigned to her.

“Are you busy right now?” your eyes stare at him shyly, in hopes that he was willing to help you out, because you wanted to be around him, so maybe he could share a bit of his positive energy with you, the past week had been hellish.  “Could use some help returning all those heavy stacks of paper in my office”.

“Of course! Why didn’t you give me a call earlier though? It’s pretty late” he walked by your side and you enter the elevator, beginning your adventure around the company.

Jungkook was fun. Always bubbly and reciprocative, constantly trying his best to make you laugh and make the absolute best of your situation, even if he could be a bit stubborn at times. You liked the spontaneity he provided though, the way he would switch from one topic to another and how he would make silly faces at you whenever you locked eyes. 

He didn’t know, but in pure ignorance, he had just made your day ten times better. 

In the past week, you had received a lot of counterarguments, one by one, on how useless your management tactics were. Granted, you hadn’t expected for your ideas to be welcomed with open arms, but at least you had hoped they would take them into consideration. You had also been assigned a team, in charge of social media management, who worked monotonously and with little to no insertion in the actual target audience… your logic was: how can you advertise products to an audience you don’t even have the mere interest to know? You had designed a strategy, presented it, and no one paid any mind to you. 

But for the most part, you felt lonely. Had no one to talk to, nor go to whenever you needed your spirits to be lifted up.

Chaeryeong was busy busy with group projects and work. To the extent where she would get up at seven in the morning and come back at 12 pm. It wasn’t always like that, so you didn’t worry too much, but the fear she would wear herself off like usual still crowded your mind.

You close your office door with a sigh. Tired from everything, but somehow, your heart a little fuller, knowing that maybe you could use Jungkook in the future to give you a lift. Both figuratively and literally because he had offered to drive you home, being the gentleman he was.

“Why do you look like a sad puppy?” he asked you once you were sitting by his side in his very expensive and luxurious mercedes. Tinted windows and jet black shiny paint covered the outside of his car, the smell of air refresher and pinecone filling the inside. Mans was getting hotter by the minute.

“It’s friday night after the longest week of work. How can I not?” you put on your seat belt and lean back against the leather cushions. He pouts in response to you, with a concerned look on his face. 

For a second you wonder if he did this with most coworkers… being nice to them and offering them drives after having met them just a few times before. Kinda risky behviour, considering his position and squeaky clean reputation. You figure this would only last a bit before he realized he had more important things to be focusing on.

“Do you ever get chased home?” you ask randomly. 

With one hand on the wheel and the other leaned against his door he meditated on his response. “It happened once… And then I moved out, got a new car and everything. Shit was wild” he chuckles and you think that was the first time you had heard him curse, like ever. Jungkook, friendly and everything, wasn’t too big of a talker, but with you he found himself spilling, without giving it much thought. It felt refreshing to hear his voice and listen to his stories and the way he expressed himself. He was more interesting than he seemed, apparently. “Aren’t you hungry, by the way? We can have something to eat before i drop you off”

Traffic was hellish in Seoul everyday at every hour, and choosing to drive through Itaewon on a friday night wasn’t the smartest decision on Jungkook’s behalf, but you didn’t have the heart to tell him that. Considering the demands of his job, he probably didn’t know his way around the city that well. You conclude taking a detour wouldn’t hurt. “I’m starving actually.”

He ends up taking you to a restaurant near your neighborhood you had mentioned being good and not crowded at all, the latter catching his attention immediately. It was a modest but nice place owned by a very funny and loud ahjussi. The man had lost count of how many times you had come down from your apartment at 11 pm and asked him to make you vegetarian tteokguk, but they were enough so that he could memorize your five orders by heart and the amount of saewoo mandu you could down by yourself in five minutes. You were making him rich at that point so the least he could do was comply when you gently asked him to shut the place down for you. Jungkook hadn’t asked you, but you knew how things could get awkward and dangerous quickly if too many people found out about him being there. “Ahjussi, you don’t have to” the boy protested as he noticed that the man had shut the blinds for him.

“It’s okay, boy. _____ has been single handedly paying the remnants of my mortgage for over a year now, I don't mind doing this for her.” he joked in his usual nature. already writing down your order and patiently waiting for Jungkook in front of you to voice out what he wanted for a meal. “And well, you and your friends are making our country proud, it’s the least i can do to thank you”

“Ah, thank you.” Jungkook bows to the older man. Your heart softened in your chest, seeing how considerate he was towards other people. He must be great with parents, you think. “Do you really not get that many people around here?” he asked worriedly once he sat back down on the wooden chair.

“We do! But she’s the one who comes the most often” he nods toward you and Jungkook smiles once he found your gaze, a glint of playfulness in his eyes. 

“Can you recommend me anything, miss?”

“Of course, sir. Yeol-ah, double up my order. Drinks are on me today.” You yell at the man’s son in the kitchen, who was still a bit older than you, but also close to enough to let you order him around shamelessly. You knew him quite well, actually. He was Chaeryeong’s boyfriend after all.

The tall boy pokes his head out of the kitchen door with a very confused expression plastered on his face. “Aren’t we supposed to close in like, an hour?” Chanyeol asks his dad in front of you.

“Just go cook, I'll explain later”.

The two men go back into the kitchen and Jungkook looks at you with an amused expression on his face. “What was that?” he laughs.

“I’m very popular, you know?” it probably wasn’t a good idea to go there, but you felt a little drunk on his voice that night, and you also knew your friend didn’t mind. “In fact, Chaereyong from ITZY is my best friend, who would have guessed?”

“Yeah and my son is her boyfriend, who cares?” Byung-ho yells back at you from the cashier, pulling a hiss from your lips. 

Jungkook still continued to stare at the both of you with confusion and intrigue, you guess he thought you were both joking.

“Wait, really?” he utters after a few seconds with big doe eyes and a pout on his lips, a combination that appeared when he was either confused or lying, which wasn’t the case then.

“Yes, my guy.” you laugh. “That juicy legged shortie is indeed my wife”

Jungkook loved the food, to say the least. It was all vegetarian and korean as fuck, a combination he never throught was possible, but downed like thristy camel. He was a loud eater, which was fitting of him and his politeness, something else you had noticed that night. You were the opposite, and actually despised the sounds of other people eating, yet, looking at him enjoying his meal so much made you feel full yourself. He made you feel like a kid in some ways too, brought back the times when being around others wasn’t so hard, and you still could have a sense of security around you. Talking to him was rather easy, maybe because of his welcoming nature, or because in fact he actually was interested in whatever stupid shit you were saying, something most people around you didn’t do. He also, amongst other things, seemed very interested in your job and the likes, always asking questions and absorbing information like a five year old. You had explained to him the five key steps of process design and the psychological effects on marketing in society to which he always responded with wide gentle eyes and attentive nods, not once looking bored or… annoyed in any way. 

Was he like that, with every girl? Because you weren’t anything special, there were many other girls who worked with him everyday and even if you hadn’t seen him in his work space, you could guess by the way most women in your company look at him whenever he passes by that either they were just as captivated as you by his beauty or that he had fucked them. You wouldn’t be surprised if he was just trying to get into your pants either, it wouldn’t be the first time it happened to you nonetheless.

“I can walk from here, JK” you mention once you found yourselves walking towards the parking lot. A bit sad about the expense you had just made on food, it was your fault for trying to seem cool and rich, neither of which you were. 

“Oh no, I’m not letting you do that, girlie” he unlocks the door and gets in, not even letting you finish or allowing you to fight back.

“My apartment is literally a block away” you protest in the car anyways. You fear you had been too much of a bother, and deep down, didn’t want him to feel like you were seeking his presence unnecessarily.

“Well, good for you. But, you paid for the food, which was a lot, and i don’t want my sugar mommy walking by herself at 12 pm on a friday night” you first freeze, and then burst a very loud giggle.

“Whatever” you slap his bicep and roll your eyes. “ Next time you can pay if it bothers you so much.”

“So there will be a next time?” wide eyes stare back at you. “Count me in. I´ll pick where we will be going, just lemme know when so i can plan ahead” he rambles, a little too excited about your suggestion. 

He drops you off with a smile on his face and hopefulness in his eyes, promising to see you around the company. You, on the other hand, feel a tad confused as you enter your apartment building. What was going on? 

You had overthought things so much your entire life that it suddenly became too tiring to do. During the past few years you had to learn how to detach yourself and just ride the wave sometimes. Once you had turned eighteen, everything started moving at a very fast pace, the pressure of adulthood fell upon you like a brick and everything was so overwhelming that you started to simply let the course of your existence take you wherever it needed to.

That’s how you ended up going out with Jungkook at least once a week for dinner or a drive around the city for more than two months. Without even noticing, he became so engraved in your everyday life that whenever he’d cancel plans because of work, you’d find yourself with a void in your heart and a rush of boredom filling your senses. Even if you found yourself in your living room with the company of your best friend whom you had seen at most four times in the past two months, you were still wishing you could share that intimate space with him instead, willing to let him a bit more into your life, in hopes that maybe he would do the same. Sue you, you were curious over the most intricate details about his personality, how his personal sanctuary looked and if the smell of his room is just as good as his car’s. You could bet a thousand dollars (maybe a little less, considering the unconventionalism that characterizes him) that he also had a few plants that only remembered to water three out of seven days of the week. 

Hopefully life would draw you closer to more people like him.

"How's your boyfriend doing?" Chaeryeong asks you from the kitchen counter, sweet popcorn cooking in you popcorn-maker. 

You sigh. "What boyfriend?"

She was a lot of things but oblivious, and you weren't either, just when you chose to be. "Cut the bullshit, you know who i'm talking about". The fake red head waits for your response as she pours the snack into a big bowl, and you on the other hand take this as an advange to search around the room for answers.

"He's just a friend" you say. "And he's fine, i guess… He doesn't really talk much about himself" you mention, matter of factly.

Chaeryeong nods beside you, understanding what you meant. Then, proceeds to tell a tale about her experience meeting the dark haired boy. "He's literally so quiet, but like, so incredibly kind. Once he tripped over and fucked up some of the decoration at an award show" she grabs a popcorn and continues her story. "He looked so panicked I thought his eyes were about to jump out their sockets — His eyes are huge, by the way." 

"I know" you smile.

"My point is, he started to help the staff put everything back in order again. I think he's the only idol I've ever seen do something like that… i decided i liked him then" her beautiful features light up with mischief. "I bet he fucks great too."

You slap her leg. Hard.

"I'm only telling you this now so you don't get caught of guard when he actually manages to fuck you," her soft hands run through your messy hair, motherly touches easing the fluster in your body. "You know he's a big whore, right?" She adds after a while. 

You didn't. According to Chaeryeong, who seemed to keep tabs on every single colleague of hers, Jungkook had quite the body count, not that you didn't have your suspicions before. Frankly, she only knew of two girls inside her company who had had some sort of situationship with him, but for the same reason, she also knew he had some history with other girls from different groups. "Yikes" you laugh nervously, in admiration of their ability to remain calm and collected without giving anything away to the public.

Thanks to your friend, you had heard lots of tea about other singers in the korean industry before, most of which were not as sweet or kind as they portrayed themselves to be, some even using their social status to get their way with girls. But for some reason, Jungkook had never made his way to your gossipping sessions, nor any other of his band mates (except for Jimin, who, if you remember correctly, used to have some sort of beef with one of Chaeryeong's company members). You guess it was because of his unproblematic nature that people chose to give him a pass for his sexual endeavors, not that they were of anyone's concern either. 

A knock is heard against your office door. "Miss _____?" A girl with a brown bob cut pokes her head through it, the dim lights of your office shining upon her incredibly healthy locks. "Jungkook asked me to deliver this to you" sliding completely into the room, she places a box with a note on it on your desk.

"Thank you so much" you wave her off as she walks right out. 

The package had a strawberry flavored canned tea and a bento box inside. 

"I remember you telling me you'd never tried tofu pancakes before, so I made some for you last night. Hope you enjoy! - JK

P.S. Text me when you're done, maybe we can hang out tonight."

You felt like crying, in all honesty. The pancakes were heavenly, and he even added some slices of avocado and a few scoops of rice for you, despite not being the biggest fan of the fruit himself. With a warm heart and relief washing over your body because you wouldn't have to waste money on lunch that day, you had had half of your meal before said boy gave you a call.

"Did you like them?" He said almost immediately. "My assistant told me she already delivered them to you" he adds in a rush.

"Jesus boy, calm down." You giggle at his excitement. "Let me eat in peace".

"No, tell me right now." he demands with a fake angry voice. Cutie.

"They're alright".

"Figured… you have no sense of taste anyways" the hangs up. A giggle escapes your lips. Boy was something else.

Later that day, the weekend started it's course. Jungkook had offered to drive you to the Han River, careful to mention the fact he prepared a bunch of snacks for you two just about five times during your call. The place was almost empty, given that the rest of the city was doing something else more fun than staring at the night sky while sitting on itchy grass. Yet, you wouldn't change the setting for anything else. Usually, when you and Jungkook were out, he'd be in silent wary of your surroundings and the people who could be watching you. It broke your heart, knowing that most of the time he couldn't frequent places most regular people had the pleasure of enjoying, like the movies, for example, or a food stand in the middle of the street. Still, in that moment, the handsome man in front of you seemed as relaxed as ever, munching on grapes and strawberries as he sat in silence beside you. 

"This blanket is so soft, isn't it?" he commented all of a sudden, caressing the fabric with his hand. The thing was made out of polar fleece, no shit. You just nodded and grabbed a piece of fruit from his container. "One of my friends gifted it to me on my birthday" he adds.

"I know. It was me".

"Well, maybe you do have a sense of taste after all" he complies as he lays down on the surface, eyes facing the night sky above you.

"Says the one who uses toe socks" you say back, poking his weak spot.

Instead of going back and forth with you as he usually would, he just winks and closes his eyes. He looked so peaceful and serene beneath you, features carefully carved on his face and slightly blushed cheeks from the cold wind. Jungkook was like that, randomly over confident and flirty with you, but just as quickly would refrain from even disagreeing with you in the first place, scared that you would snap at him. He hadn't told you this, but the way you saw thoughts hidden in his eyes whenever you made a statement let you know his true intentions, leaving you to wonder where that came from.

"Are you tired?" You ask after a few minutes. Still with his eyes closed, Jungkook denies.

"I just don't want to look at you right now," he turns to the side, back facing you as an offended expression finds its way to your face.

"Yah" you slap his back playfully, not letting him finish.

"Because you look too pretty." he mumbles the remnants of  his statement.

Your breath catches in your throat as a shiver climbs its way down your spine. Why was he like that? He had no right tugging on your heart strings like that (if he was being serious in the first place because you never knew with him). You sigh, the blush his words provoked stinging your cheeks.

"You're supposed to say I'm pretty too" he turns around with a playful smile, expectant.

"You just go around giving compliments so you can get them back?" you hiss. "Why so insecure?"

"I'm not insecure, at all." He sits up again, ready to fight you and anyone who dares question the grandiosity of the confidence he had worked so hard for. "You can ask Linh about that".

To say you looked horrified was an understatement, hopeful that what you thought he meant was not it. "You fucked Linh?"

"Well, that's not for you to know". 

What a gentleman, you think. And at the same time, ouch. He had just slammed a door on your face.

"That would explain the way she looks at you whenever you come by the office" you realize. Frankly, the girl looked a bit too panicked whenever Jungkook decided to barge into your space, usually bored out of his mind during his english lessons, laptop and notebook in hand, or struggling to get the questions right. 

"Well good afternoon to you too" you ironically greeted once he sat in front of you, frustration written on his face. Linh, who stood by your side, suddenly fidgeting with the papers in her hand.

"Not the time, _____" he slammed both hands on your desk, startling you and your friend beside you. "Why the fuck did you make me enroll into this in the first place?" 

"I did not make you do anything, dude. I just gave you an idea" you excused yourself, eyes back on your computer. You didn't miss the way Jungkook's eyes briefly followed Linh out the room, though. 

His eyes looked back at you, leg bouncing impatiently on the floor as he leaned back with a pissed off expression on his face. You'd never seen him this way, so you took that as a cue to enter under paid therapist mode. "What's wrong?" You questioned gently.

"I feel incredibly incompetent right now." His hands roamed across his face with frustration. A sigh escaped his lips as he held tears back. "School's always been this way for me, always trying my best and constantly underachieving" he explained.

He was obsessed with winning, you’d even go as far to say more than he was with his job (which was a lot). It didn’t root from narcissistic behaviour though, but rather out of external pressure to constantly overachieve and exceed expectations. He was mostly good at doing that, but everyone had an achilles heel, yours was reading for example, his was studying and school.

"Jungkook, you passed most of your classes with more than 90%, what are you talking about?" a fact he had brought up to you randomly when you mentioned absolutely nearly failing most of your literature classes.

"Yeah, except for English." he shook his head in the way he would when he'd feel conflicted or insecure. "I don't know what i'm doing wrong".

"Did you fail something?" you tried to get some more insight into the situation, still unsure of where all his worries came from.

"No, there's just this sentence I can't properly put together" he turned his notebook towards you. "Ah, just look"

There were some words he had to conjugate and properly place in order to form a grammatically correct sentence, more than five attempts written in neat penmanship on the page evidenced the boy's battle with the assignment. He missed one very important aspect of it, though. "There's a fucking word that's missing, dude" you explain, grabbing the pen from his hand and showing him where the mistake was. "It's not your fault, it's the teacher's".

Jungkook's serious expression didn't go away though. "Well, damn".

You had some sort of emotional trauma with having people ask you for help, it made you think that they didn’t actually care for you as a person but rather just your skills. That was the way you’d grown up and what your position in society seemed to be as well, the one you could butter up and taste when you got bored. Heart had been broken many times too, whenever you’d realize what you thought to be a genuine connection was merely pure interest. Those thoughts clouded your head when Jungkook would randomly enter your office with a frustrated expression on his face, yet, that occurred less often than it didn’t. 

Jungkook was not someone to establish relationships and bonds out of interest, you knew that. Or maybe not, truth be told, he was an authentic enigma, so open yet so closed and shielded from others to see through, and that didn’t exclude you most of the time, hence your wish for him to let you in a bit more before you could allow yourself to free fall into whatever was going on between you both.

You reach for the fabric of his hoodie, tugging his sleeve with your fingers just because you really liked the color of it, and maybe because you wanted to feel closer to him. He doesn’t react to your touch, just looks at your hands briefly as they play with the edges of his clothing. “Where did you get this from?”

“An online store, I think.” he replies softly, reaching for your hand on his arm, caressing the surface of your nails. “It’s a unisex brand, i can send you their link afterwards.”

“Is it too expensive?” you inquire, not only to keep the moment afloat, but because you genuinely liked most of his pieces of clothing, especially his hoodies and shoes. Jungkook laughs at your question and looks at you with a smile.

“I don’t think i would know, ____. I’m rich.” he says, playfully. And he was right, what was expensive for you might just be cheap as fuck for him, you wonder if when a lot of money is in your hands you start to become very tuned out from what’s affordable or not anymore.

“True.”

“I can buy you one, though. I don’t mind.” he adds. Soft look in his eyes, a pure and genuine offer that you had to deny.

“I didn’t say i wanted one” you lie, only partially, because although you’d not mentioned it, you did actually want it. “I just think it’s pretty” you finally let go of him.

“Or do you think I look pretty in it?” he pushes, a sucker for compliments.

“Yeah, that might be it.” you admit, because there was no point in denying your irrefutable attraction to the man, as much as you hated to be vulnerable, especially in front of him.

“I think it would look prettier on you”.

Don´t copy or repost please. by studiojeon on tumblr.

[thatonebirdwrites]

HI EVERYONE: I sat on the below post out of terror that the judge would discover my tumblr. But now that I finally got my decision, I'm a little less terrified as it is unlikely one post will take it away after they granted it. Considering how much medical evidence PROVES my disability, it really shouldn't have taken this long and this much traumatic bullshit to get this.

I'm going to share some disturbing things about our Federal Disability System.

This post has taken me weeks to write due to my severe exhaustion and mental distress. (Federal disability hearing was first week of August for reference.)

.

I want to be clear that what I describe here is a typical disability hearing in the USA. This system is not designed to care for people. It's designed to make our lives a living hell, so that we give up before we ever see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The paperwork needed to file the original disability claim is already invasive, long, confusing, and very easy to mess up. It is absolutely guaranteed that you will be denied right away. It's incredibly rare for anyone to be approved right off the bat, so expect to appeal. And appeal again. And appeal again until you get a court hearing.

This process often cannot be done without a lawyer. Some people luck out in getting approved without one, but the vast majority must have a lawyer. The amount of paperwork is astronomical, the amount of medical records that must be requested and submitted goes back years, and then there's the appeal paperwork and whatever other red tape nonsense Social Security throws at us. (I honestly panicked at the first denial because I couldn't make any sense out of the appeal paperwork because it is that full of legalese and other difficult to understand terms.)

Remember, this system doesn't exist to help us. It assumes we are lying until we prove otherwise. It also does not fully rely on our doctor's assessments, and will force us to undergo assessments by social security appointed freelance medical assessors, who may or may not have any knowledge of our specific conditions (most don't). Also, the people examining our medical records often do not have a background in medicine, and yet they can overrule our own doctors' assessments.

Often people will get at least two to three denials before they are given a disability hearing in front of a judge. The judge, who again is not trained in medicine, will hyper-analyze every single aspect of the disabled person's life. I am not even kidding.

Basically, disabled people are not allowed to have private lives. Our entire lives become public, scrutinized by people who are often not experts and often do not understand our actual health issues. The system, again, isn't to help us. It's to destroy us until we're so whittled down we give up on appeals.

I definitely would never have made it to a court hearing without a lawyer. The amount of paperwork is beyond my ability, and I could not keep track of it all. The lawyer's firm handled that, which was a relief, because otherwise I would have fallen apart, unable to continue and unable to figure out even what was needed.

Again, this system is designed to keep people from accessing a benefit that could help us survive and thrive. Despite the fact that disability takes up a small part of the budget, that independent studies have proven fraud is mostly non-existent, that the vast majority of disabled folks that need this can't get it -- despite all of that, the program itself does not care.

Those in power do not want us using any social net (and the far-right wants to destroy all social nets), because we are deemed "not productive members of society," and thus do not deserve life, liberty, or happiness.

And the system and language they use will make sure you do not forget this. I was warned about the dehumanizing language, even by the lawyer herself, and although she used humanizing language with me, no one else in the hearing did.

To start, I probably should explain the two programs that exist for disabled people and/or people over 65 years old.

Mind you, a lot of the databases the assessors and judges use to make their determinations have not been updated since the 1980s. Meaning, when they do the job comparison portion of the hearing? They are speaking of jobs that do not exist today.

For exampe, the prior job I had that was a complex money processor? That didn't exist in the 1980s since heavy of computer work and programming wasn't a thing yet. So they labeled it a checker, which is not at all what I was doing. This impacts the amount of benefits I can get each month for SSDI, since it relies on my prior work history; except, the jobs I have had did not exist in their databases, so the ones they chose as equivalents were increasingly ableist and infantalizing.

This is the 2020s not 1980s, but okay, whatever. Let's get into the meat of this I suppose.

So there are two programs for disabled people:

SSI -- Supplemental Security Income

This one is NOT tied to your work history. It is for people who have or become disabled at any point in their life or is above the age of 65. SSI also does not allow you to save more than $2000 in assets, and assets can include not just what's in your bank account but also random things like a car or computer. However, your home is exempted from this cap.

It does allow the person to do a small amount of paid work, but if the person's assets and resources exceed $2000 (for single person) or $3000 (for a couple), then all benefits are lost (meaning not just the monthly pay but access to numerous other essential programs that require one to be on some form of disability).

SSI is managed by the Social Security Administration, but unlike SSDI, Social Security taxes don't pay for it. Instead, SSI is paid out of general revenues that the Treasury Department collects to run the U.S. government. It was established in 1972 to replace a bunch of patchwork state programs that covered the gaps for disabled folks or folks above age 65 who may not qualify for SSDI.

The problem with SSI is that the limit and the amount that is given monthly was set in the 1980s, and has never been updated for inflation and higher costs in living.

Because of that, disabled folks are forced to live in extreme poverty, living off scraps that society tosses their way through these underfunded and poorly managed programs.

In fact, a lot of disabled folks can't access specific services they need for their healthcare needs unless they are labeled disabled by the federal government. This means many disabled people cannot marry, because if they do, their spouse's income gets counted and thus they will lose not only their benefits but the classification needed to access specific services.

Basically, this program, which allows them access to specific services they may need for survival, also dooms them because they are not allowed to ever save any money. Meaning if disaster strikes and they need a few thousand for repairs on their home or car? Nope, not happening -- they simply can't save up for anything.

SSDI -- Social Security Disability Insurance

Now SSDI differs slightly in that it IS tied to your work history and how long you've worked. This is for people who have or became disabled at any point in their life or is above the age of 65, where they are unable to work at all and disability is expected to last at least 12 months and/or until death.

It dates back to 1956 and is paid for by the Social Security taxes that both employees and employers paid for, and it exists because the original rules were amended to cover disabled people. Meaning before this date, they weren't able to access social security benefits.

The monthly amount is mostly calculated from what your prior earnings were. There is some limits on assets, but it's not as severe as SSI. However, it also means you have incredibly strict limits on any paid work, as in it's considered "Substantial gainful employment" is you exceed 1500 a month in pay, which means you lose all benefits (and access to the services that require you to have the "Disabled" designation from the federal government. The only way to avoid this is to do one of the "Work incentive" programs such as "ticket to work," which is supposed to "transition" disabled people back into the workforce.

Except these "work incentive" programs often infantalize and abuse disabled people. You basically sign up for a "trial period" with whichever employer agreed to do the program, and that period can last from nine months to five years depending on various medical circumstances. The amount of "pay" an employer can give disabled people is legally something the employer can decide.

For example, Goodwill signed up to be part of these work incentive programs. However, it was recently discovered that they have been abusing their workers and paying them only a few cents per hour and its legal for them to do this. Many employers like Goodwill do shit like this to capitalize on basically free labor, despite the harm it does to the disabled person struggling to determine if they can indeed return to the workforce.

Another important point is that you must be on SSDI for 24 months (if you are less than 65 years old) in order to qualify for Medicare.

Why is this important? Medicare is by far way better than Medicaid.

For one, Medicaid is a state-run insurance for those below the poverty level or deemed disabled. Because it's state run, a state can pull bullshit like my governor in Iowa did by privatizing a social program, which has been a disaster for all involved.

The Iowa state auditor (who is a Democrat, while the governor is a Republican, so they butt heads a lot) found in a VERY thorough study that privatized Medicaid illegally denies care for Iowans all the time and has broken parts of the state contract. It's also expensive for the state to outsource to these shitty-ass companies.

So Medicaid can become a frightful disaster in the hands of the states if there's a conservative hellbent on turning health into a profit.

So Medicare is a federally funded and federally run program. They are taken by nearly every healthcare place, they rarely deny care, and have more service and carework programs than what Medicaid can offer. They also do a better job subsidizing the medical equipment and medicines we need.

Medicare also is a bit harder to privatize (not that Republicans haven't tried). This isn't to say it's without it's problems -- it can be frightfully slow at times (partly because Republicans are determined to underfund and understaff it), and there's other issues but that is not something I will discuss here. Point is, it overall provides better care than a lot of privatized insurances.

There is no possible way to ever qualify for Medicare unless you are on SSDI OR you age above 65.

It is possible to get on Medicaid if you are below the poverty limit, but it's easier to obtain Medicaid if you have SSI or SSDI.

I'm still learning about asset limits for SSDI. Honestly, they don't make sense to me, so yeah, not going to discuss that yet.

Overall

Basically, disabled people are treated like second-hand citizens, and the darker your skin tone, the harsher the system becomes as race very much plays a factor in just how bad this system will treat the disabled person.

I share the above so people understand the context and what these programs are.

I applied for SSDI since SSI wouldn't be enough for survival at all, but my appeals were under both in the end.

Now the disability lawyers like to set up appeals so the application is for SSDI and SSI in order to increase the chances of a favorable decision for at least one of the programs. Disability lawyers are paid out of the back-dated lump sum, which is calculated based on when the judge/assessor decided you became disabled plus other calculations that I did not understand at all.

Okay, so now after all that, what is a disability hearing like?

.

So without further ado, my journey and what I learned:

1. It took three to four years and four appeals to be granted this court hearing. I had to have a lawyer to get this far. A friend sent me to the lawyers, as I had no idea how to do that, so kudos to that friend for saving my butt here.

.

2. The Claim/Appeal will require all of your medical records. They don't do this to evaluate whether you qualify. They do this in order to find the most random-ass detail to disqualify you. The last three denials did not make any sense as to why they turned that one erroneous detail into a giant hill on which to burn my pyre.

(For example: first denial referenced my hysterectomy hospital stay, even though the claim had nothing to do with that, and had to do with a completely different illness. But they referenced one detail from that stay to deny my claim which was about being disabled by a completely different illness.)

.

3. I must be detailed about my conditions but also not too detailed. As in I should not ramble but I need to be specific. This is massively confusing advice. Honestly, I still don't know if I pulled it off; thankfully the lawyer did her best to signal me when she thought I was starting to ramble, so I relied on her a lot.

I spent most of the hearing struggling to recall dates since the judge wanted dates and time spans, and honestly I couldn't remember so would give up and say that I couldn't remember. If it's not written down in front of me, my brain is too foggy to recall. It's why I write everything down, so I don't forget. I also had to be detailed on how the conditions impacted my day-to-day life and the last job I had. I took a long time in relaying this part because of the hunt for words.

(This is why I write everything down. I can take my time with writing. If I have to share a story in person, I'm going to be doing a lot of word hunting, where I resort to describing the word I want to say but can't remember. This is exhausting. It's why I sometimes go nonverbal.)

.

4. They really dug into the last job I had, what I did, how I worked there, what accommodations I had, and why I no longer work there. I was basically let go from my last job due to being too ill from LongCovid to do the job for the length of time the former boss demanded. So I've been without a job for almost two years, subsisting off the kindness of others and the mutual aid groups in my city.

(Side note: judge did not know what 'mutual aid' meant. I gave up and called it a food organization since it required too much mental energy to explain.)

.

5. I discovered that they hire private investigators to verify how I leave my home, where I may go, and if the way I leave my home matches what I claim. This money could go toward caring for people in need, but instead they use it to rip apart any semblance of privacy a disabled person might have.

(As an aside, I honestly thought I was paranoid and losing my mind because a weird truck was parked outside my home and followed my friend when she took me to my appointment. No, that wasn't my imagination playing tricks. I literally was being followed as that was recorded and given as evidence that yes, I do use a wheelchair when I'm out and about.)

.

6. Every social media associated with your real name and birthdate, any website, any article -- that will be pulled up and evaluated. I think maybe someone warned me of this, but honestly, I can't remember. I just know I was startled and very confused by this line of questioning. I deactivated most of my social media as in I have no Twitter or Facebook. I forget about instragram mostly because it's for my cat and exists only for a friend in Germany to contact me. Tumblr was made to be as anonymous as possible because I wanted to share fanfiction and did not want my bio-family to find me or it, so thank god for that I guess?

However, the judge really, really grilled me on how many online friends do I have, how long have I know my online friends, how often do I talk to my online friends, and where do I talk to them.

I admit, during the grilling about my online friends, I started to hyper-ventilate, and almost passed out right there from panic.

The lawyer cut into the questioning to state: "My client has a right to emotional support groups since isolation can be mentally devastating to one's health and may complicate their current conditions."

Thank god for the lawyer, because that shut the judge up about me having online friends.

7. They found an old ko-fi site that I constantly forget I have and a gofundme that I also forgot existed. Both were used to crowdfund, so I wouldn't starve to death. Neither are social media, so I don't think the judge understands what that word means.

When folks want to help me, the ko-fi site is better than gofundme because it doesn't have ridiculously large fees. The judge grilled me on the ko-fi because I had an art-for-sale-listing, which I set up years before I got sick and promptly forgot about. No one has ever used the listing to buy art from me.

I honestly had no idea that the judge was discussing ko-fi to begin with because the judge only used the term "social media," so I spent that section of the hearing massively confused and baffled. When I was asked if I "sold" my art or writing, I listed a date (2020) from before I got ill, when I'd sold my art at a First Unitarian church who had featured me as an artist for that month. Then I said that I mostly use these hobbies to destress. I've never earned more than 70 dollars, and most only sold for 20. I have not sold anything since 2020.

Lawyer cut in to move the topic along since I made it clear that I haven't sold any story or art in the last few years.

.

8. The Lawyer's questions were kind and guided me along a path, making it easy for me to understand what was needed. We had practiced prior too, which helped.

The judge's questions were very confusing with a lot of sudden topic changes that threw me for a loop, so I struggled with understanding what exactly they wanted from me. I had to ask the judge to repeat questions often.

(It did not help that someone on the floor above me was playing cornhole, and the thumps constantly distracted me.)

I nearly passed out at two different points because I was getting so exhausted, but although the judge offered to cut the hearing into two different days, I refused. I did not want to go back. So I just did my best to look not-dead.

.

9. Final Section doesn't even involve me. After all the questioning of me, the judge turns to the job/vocational expert that's on a phone call with us. The judge then lists various hypothetical situations and asks what jobs that person can do.

They start with a hypothetical person with no limitations and ask if they can do any jobs. Vocational expert replies with yes or no and what type of jobs. The 'expert' does not list skilled jobs; they assume all disabled people can only do unskilled jobs. (This is ableist as fuck honestly.) In stating what type of jobs the hypothetical person can do, they go into way too much details, as in they will list the job number and how many openings exist currently. (This confused the heck out of me. I lost the thread of the conversation entirely, and was in a daze this entire section. I retained nothing , so the lawyer had to explain it to me after.)

The judge then goes to the next hypothetical situation by adding some minor limitations for the hypothetical person. Vocational expert then discusses what jobs that person can or can't do.

Third and fourth hypotheticals got closer to my limitations, but lawyer did not think the judge went far enough.

This is when the lawyer butted in and did a hypothetical with my actual limitations, and the vocational expert said, "No, with mobility aids such as a wheelchair, they will not be competitive in the job market, and with the other limitations there is no job they could perform."

Yes, they are saying that because I have mobility aids I regularly use, I am not competitive in the job market. So they aren't even going to hide the ableism that runs our systems. They're just going to say it with their whole chest how fucked disabled folks are, and why it's near impossible for us to get a job because employers will regularly discriminate against us and get away with it.

Great. Okay.

I'm never going to forget that phrasing because it felt like a slap to the face.

That phraseology was typical for the judge's side of the hearing. That's what they are trained to say, and it's in their guides (as in vocational expert read that sentence from their guide.)

.

And THAT is a disability hearing.

.

No privacy.

Dehumanizing language littered throughout the questions and "expert" opinions.

Assuming we are "unskilled" or incapable of performing any skilled jobs. Questioning our ability to do any skills (such as questioning my ability to write at all or even read).

Treating the disabled person like they are less than human. (Often speaking to the lawyer as if I am not right there listening.)

.

Judge's decisions take anywhere from 45 to 90 days.

I was trying not to panic the whole time, and my mind was burning in a fog. I honestly don't know how I stayed conscious, as I was so close to passing out so many times. I was in a daze in the latter half. Lawyer had to explain to me how the latter half went because I retained none of it.

I was so worn out that my sister had to lift me out of my wheelchair and in and out of her car. I usually can do the transfer myself, but I couldn't after that hearing. I then collapsed when I got home, slept fitfully, poked memes and looked at random things, slept, typed this up, slept, someone dropped off food, rested again.

For weeks after the hearing, I was consistently ill, dissociated a lot, had frequent switches, masssive flare-ups, and was very bad off. I struggled so much, and honestly spent a few weeks wishing I didn't exist at all.

I'm still haunted by some of the horrific things said in that hearing.

.

And please, for the love of everything, please fight to fix this system.

Disabled people are deserving of life, liberty, privacy, and happiness too. No one should have to be "productive" to be able to access the bare necessities needed to be alive; everyone should have access to housing, clean water, food, electricity/heating/cooling, and Internet.

It's deplorable and disgusting that this system exists to dehumanize people just because we cannot "be productive" the way a capitalist, exploitive society demands.

So please, please fight for us too. Do not leave us behind.

Thank you for reading.

Disability Hearing is August 6th

I have been in and out of a state of panic. Discombobulated and bubbling in a stew of dissociation for weeks. This looms over me like a ghastly specter, making everything I do, write, or say a thousand times more difficult.

The endless fog is an unpleasant place to be, and it's tendrils drag me into the darkness of the psyche far too often. It sometimes feels like the brain is on fire, burning with the searing memories of half-remembered trauma and the emotional onslaught of their legacy.

I must wheel myself before a judge, who will hear my tale and decide if I am worthy of receiving care or not. If they decide to not grant me disability, then I will have to start the process all over again. It has taken me four appeals over four years to get this far.

I will not be able to afford my home or food.

Everything hinges on this hearing. If I can get a good decision before the election, then there is hope. Small hope but hope nonetheless.

Because even if the US election goes badly, I at least will get enough to survive for a few months.

But I'll never be able to save again because until we fix Federal Disability, the $2000 asset limit means I'll be trapped in extreme poverty unable to ever pull myself out of it. We need to fix this, to adjust the payout of Disability and the asset limit to fit the costs of living for today, but we can't do that if the US election goes badly.

For my life, my ability to exist at all, to hinge on things so out of my control is terrifying and maddening.

May the odds be in my favor.

If you wish to drop kind messages to me, I would be grateful. Or if you like what I write, leave a kind comment.

Be safe all.

[acourtofbookishdreams]

Azriel ~ Irresistable*

Azriel x Reader

* = NSFW. EXPLICIT CONTENT.

Summary: Whilst training with Azriel, you make one too many ‘innocent’ mistakes and his resolve wavers with each one until he can’t take it anymore.

Warning: NSFW, forbidden romance, teasing, shitty writing with no sense, out of character azriel, piece of crap - posting anyway aha

Word Count: 2539

"You need to tighten your core" Azriel instructs, voice soft and unjudgemental but aggravating nonetheless.

"I am tightening" I grit from between my teeth, working with all my waning strength on moving along the balance beam.

Azriel and I had been training only for a couple of weeks now after I'd finally decided I wanted to learn how to defend myself or at least be able to hold my own until I could get to safety. However, my insipid mortal reflexes and strength was making it insanely difficult to learn anything.

Considering my being the remaining mortal sister of the Archerons after thankfully being on a short trip to see a friend at the time my other sisters had been kidnapped and turned, it seemed like an even better idea. Especially to my overprotective older sisters. Sometimes, being the only human around definitely sucked and others, like when my sisters got roped into Fae bullshit...it definitely didn't.

It did really suck I wouldn't find a mate, though. That sounded incredibly...convenient.

"You may think you're engaging your core but you're not" Azriel says, moving slightly closer, his shadows surrounding him in the soft dawn light.

"You know what, if this is so easy then-ah!" I squeal as I fall off the beam, stumbling slightly and gripping the beams surface to keep from slipping as my feet land hard on the floor, ground shock reverberating up my legs, "Ugh, this sucks!"

Azriel chuckles softly, "You'll get it."

"It doesn't feel like it" I grumble

Azriel comes up behind me, placing one large hand across my stomach, pushing against it softly, "You need to act as if you're sucking in your stomach, belly button to spine."

I do exactly that, my stomach concaving in, forcing his hand to slip from my stomach and back to his side and Azriel laughs - a big, joyful chuckle, the loudest I'd ever heard from him.

"Was that a laugh?" I smirk, quirking one eyebrow

"I do laugh, you know."

"Not often...and not around me."

"Focus. We're not here to discuss my social habits. Now, I meant internally. It may sound strange but visualise it in your mind and then pull your stomach in and hold it. You'll feel it."

My smirk slips and I nod, focusing. I do as he instructs and though he is right, it does feel strange, I definitely feel it in my stomach, an odd and uncomfortable tightening sensation as if my stomach was benching a weight.

"Ow" I pout, releasing my stomach, "I don't like that"

"You'll get used to it" Azriel smiles, "Now, come on, back up on the beam and try again"

"Will you catch me if I fall?" I tease, my smirk returning. Though he may be over 200 years older than me, strictly off limits because of his being a completely different and dangerous race from me and completely emotionally unavailable, it didn't mean I couldn't flirt.

"Of course" Azriel responds, tone all business. I roll my eyes slightly as I hop back up onto the beam, one foot in front of the other.

Squeezing my eyes slightly against the pressure, I perform my weird suck-in thing to engage my core, taking a tentative step forward...and finding it suddenly way easier. Gaining confidence, I take another step forward, and then another, each one coming faster and faster until...

"I did it!" I giggle, reaching the opposite end of the beam and jumping off, "I actually did it."

"Well done" Azriel commends, his ice-hewn face slightly broken by a small smile, "Next beam"

"Already?" I gulp, looking over my shoulder. The next beam was higher up then the first, the top of it reaching my chest. I turn back to him, gesturing to the lower one, "Can't I just do this one again?"

Azriel says nothing and I sigh, moving over to the other beam and grabbing a couple step blocks to get up to the beam. Heaving myself up and onto the beam, I wobble softly and a small, startled squeak escapes my lips before I regain my balance.

"You really will catch me, right?" I ask nervously. Again, no response omits from his lips, just a short nod of which I couldn't tell was either actually in answer to my question or instruction to get a move on.

"Okay" I breathe, closing my eyes and stilling my body completely, performing the process of engaging my core slowly, each muscle at a time until I felt so tightly wound even a sharp shove couldn't knock me from my feet.

I take a step forward...then another...and then I slip.

My foot hits the side of the beam wrong and in an effort to stay up, I attempt to pull it back on rather than letting it go and placing it behind my other foot, bending at the knees as I was taught to do and had done many times on the lower beam. I scream and squeeze my eyes shut tightly as I tip backward, flailing my arms out as my back heads for the ground.

As if in slow motion, I turn my body as I fall, instinctively positioning to catch my fall with my hands - a rookie mistake. A pair of strong hands encircles my waist as I turn and without thinking I grab onto him, securing my body to his in every way possible to stop my fall. I grunt as one of my feet lands hard on the floor, ground shock again erupting through...one of my feet?

I open my eyes and find myself in the strangest position...Azriel's face was before me, his arm hooked underneath the crook of my right knee, holding the one leg up whilst the other was placed upon the floor as normal, my hips pressed against his.

"You really did fall in the most difficult way possible" Azriel says, voice deep and gravelly...as if straining.

It's then I notice Azriel's stance is crooked, his weight tipped to one side slightly as if weighed down...I gasp and almost send myself flying again as I realise what exactly I'd done in my attempt to escape a painful landing.

My knee was grazing his right wing, my left arm tightly wrapped around his neck with my elbow brushing the inside of his left wing and my right hand was placed entirely on the soft membrane of the inside of his right wing, my fingers splayed across the shimmering surface and pressing lightly onto it, the way one would place their hand on a surface to maintain balance.

Points of contact everywhere with Azriel's wings...Azriel's sensitive wings.

"Oh my...I'm so sorry" I gasp, pulling my leg out of his grasp and removing my arm from his neck, my hand from his wing, until I was standing before him. Closer than I'd ever been before, his eyes boring into mine.

"You couldn't have just fallen backward?" Azriel says, his voice still rough and strained, "I would've caught you."

"I know, I-" I stammer, "I didn't think, I just acted on instinct. I don't know what I was thinking. Are your wings okay?"

"They're fine" Azriel frowns softly, "Why wouldn't they be?"

"Feyre's told me before to be careful of your wings, to make sure I keep away from them because they're really sensitive...are they not?" I redirect as his confused frown deepens.

"They are but not in the way you seem to think" Azriel explains, "It doesn't cause me pain, which by the look on your face, I assume is what you think."

"It's not painful?" I breathe a sigh of relief, "Oh thank the forgotten gods...but if it's not a painful sensitivity, why do you seem so tense? Well, tenser."

"While it's not painful, it is still sensitive. The sensation is hard to explain but it just provokes a different...reaction."

"What do you mean?"

"It's too hard to explain. How about I show you the approximation of what it feels like to a non-winged being and then you tell me the reaction you have."

I nod, a little nervous about the slight gleam in Azriel's eyes, a knowing one...

Leaning forward, Azriel breathes softly into the shell of my ear, lips trailing sensually along the outer edge as his large hand ghosts down my spine in soft, light movements, his fingers barely touching the skin but sending shivers all the way through my body. My eyes go heavy lidded and instinctively, I grip his bicep to hold myself steady, neck tipping back slightly to expose more of my neck as his breath gusts over the sensitive skin, his hand coming to rest on the small of my back to keep me from falling on my ass. A small noise escapes from my throat.

In a lighting fast move, Azriel pulls me to rights and releases me completely, stepping a good few paces back. Breathing heavily, my eyes open and meet his and I imagine our expressions to be almost exact. Flushed cheeks, glazed eyes, chests rising and falling so agonisingly slowly as we attempt to keep our breathing even and failing completely.

"Woah" I breathe, "I definitely get it now."

"You can't do that, Y/N, damn it!" Azriel growls and I straighten further, lust filled haze vanishing.

"Do what?" I gape

"Make me-" Azriel says and then stops himself, "Never mind. Today's session is over"

He turns on his heel to leave but I run after him, meaning to grab his shoulder...and accidentally gracing the back of his wing again.

Damn it, dumbass.

Azriel releases a frustrated growl and whirls on me, pushing me back into a nearby wall, his hands on my waist, eyes staring into mine.

"That"

I was still confused. This was the only time I'd ever touched his wings...

Seeing my confused expression, Azriel presses closer, his body pressed to mine, something hard pressing into my-

Oh.

"I...I wasn't aware I" I stumble over my words, "I wasn't aware it was something I'd done more than once."

"That's a lie and you know it" Azriel huffs, "Stop feigning innocence."

"I'm not feigning anything!" I protest. I truly hadn't meant to turn him on. Now or any other time. Feyre and Nesta and Elain had all made it clear I shouldn't get into it with Azriel...Gods, even Rhys had told me to keep away!, "Why does it even matter? We're both adults, we can just move on from-"

"You don't get it, do you?" Azriel growls, "That I've wanted you every moment from when I first saw you, that Feyre and Rhys gave me this lecture about duty and responsibility and the different race bullshit and ordered me to stay away from you. The only reason I was allowed to train you is because I swore it'd be training and nothing more!"

"I'm...I don't know what to say to you except that I didn't know anything about any of that."

"I swear you're my own personal hell on Earth." Azriel sighs, shaking his head, eyes hard and cold as flint.

"Wow, thanks" I scoff sarcastically, offended, "I wasn't doing anything intentionally."

"That may be even worse" Azriel concedes, "Knowing that anything you did wasn't intentional means if you truly tried to make a move...I would fall at your feet and beg you for just a second of your time. For one moment between-I shouldn't be entertaining this idea."

No, please go on.

"It doesn't help that I can smell you every time you enter a room. It's like you specifically-"

"Wow, so now I smell?" I huff, "Perfect."

"Not that kind of smell. I can smell it on you now."

It?

Well, sure, I was sweaty but I'd just been working out. Although I'd cooled a bit now, with all the slow and steady lust-filled contact we'd had-

Oh...again.

I remember Nesta telling me once to be careful with any time I spent...with myself because the males could smell...

Could smell arousal.

"Oh" I say aloud this time, "That."

"I could swear you would touch yourself before each training session just to drive me insane with what I can't have-damn it, stop it!"

"Well I can't really help my body's reactions when you talk like that" I defend, that warm and tight feeling in my stomach building, eyelids fighting not to fall.

"Try" Azriel suggests weakly.

"If the past few weeks of my unintentional seducing you wasn't proof enough, I clearly can't do that."

"What has been with you recently? You're aroused all the time."

"I don't know" I blush, "I just...have been. Besides, it's not like I have someone I can go to here to...relieve myself of the frustration so I'm all I've got."

Azriel's jaw clenches, eyes ablaze with a hungry fire.

"Why can't we...I mean, why am I so forbidden to you?"

"Feyre and Rhys say...well, I don't know. It doesn't matter about their reasons, their my High Lord and Lady. If they order me to do something, I obey."

"Is that something you can't fight?" I ask, eyes trailing up and down his body, "Like a magical side effect stops you?"

"No, it's an honour thing-" Azriel stops short, recognising my intention, "Okay, I know you're doing this on purpose now"

"So what?" I whisper, "It's not like I'll tell them anything...and there's no one out here to witness for at least a few hours."

"Hours?" Azriel chuckles, "What makes you think you can handle that?"

Cocky now, huh?

"I'm almost certain I probably can't...but I'm more than willing to try."

Azriel's erection grows larger, pressing insistently upon my upper thigh, "Y/N...I can't"

"Yes you can" I say, "Something tells me you're just as good at getting in your own way as Feyre and Rhys are. I'm more than capable of making my own decisions and I would be lying if I said this isn't one of the fantasies I've used to help me out when I'm alone."

The sound of Azriel's teeth grinding against each other makes me smile. I don't know where this sudden confidence came from - perhaps from knowing how badly he also wants this. Maybe it was fate's way of making something that was always supposed to happen, happen. By removing my nervousness and forcing Azriel to think his way out of his own mental purgatories.

Azriel, still fighting his own mental battle, pants softly and I lean forward, trailing a long line up his neck and along his jawline with my tongue. My hand drifts up, reaching for the tender inside of his wing-

"Don't. Do. That" Azriel grits out, hand gripping my wrist and pushing it back against the wall, up above my head, the other arm quickly following, "Don't start something you can't finish."

"Who said I wasn't planning to finish?" I smirk

"Gods, you'll be the death of me" Azriel sighs, leaning closer to me. I could already tell the battle was lost, he was just clinging to the last scraps of will he had left.

"What was that you said earlier? That you would 'fall at my feet and beg for just one moment between...' What were you going to say?" I tease

"Shut the fuck up" Azriel growls, his lips pressing to mine.

Masterlist

[cancerjupiter]

astrology notes: mars (pt. 1)

mars in aries

at home in its own sign, you’re very sure about its desires. passions burn brightly, and you know exactly who and what you want. being cardinal, mars in aries likes to take the initiative, and does tend to rush at people in a way that can be quite intimidating to those who like to make decisions more slowly. the person with mars in Aries is excited by the pursuit, however, so rejections and evasions only serve to fuel the fire. finding it hard to admit defeat, they cannot believe that they won't get what they want, and will see the slightest ambiguity as grounds for optimism. the mars in aries does have a tendency to enjoy the chase more than the end result, so that they often lose interest in people once they have have them. they are then likely to run away just as fast as they were pursuing before :/ someone who wants to retain the interest of this person will need to remain always a little elusive. 

people with mars in aries feel energized by sexual desire - even if it is not fulfilled, it will make them feel more vital and alive. very intuitive and trusting to instinct and gut reactions, they know exactly what is right for them, and will not compromise. they either desire people or not, the second they meet them: there is no uncertainty or doubt with them. the person with this mars often appears much more confident than they feel, and may tend to look for an identity through their lovers, and try to prove themselves through sex. these people may go to great lengths to prove how independent they are, when they are really trying to define themselves through action. sex, therefore, to these people can assume huge symbolic significance; and they may invest the object of their desire with almost mystical status. they are searching for a hero to fire and inspire them, to help them discover the hero within. to this end, they may have to go on a long and lonely journey, facing many difficulties and rejections before they become the truly independent individual they need to be. life holds many hard lessons for people with mars in aries. they step into each new sexual involvement with careless impulsiveness, naively believing that this one will be much easier than the last, and forgetting that aries must pit itself against adversity in order to develop strength and self-reliance. 

these people are attracted to sharply defined individuals of strong character. they enjoy a certain amount of combativeness and competition with their sexual partners, and are often quite sharp and argumentative with those they find attractive. sexual desire strirs up anger for them; and they often feel safer expressing anger to lovers than to anyone else. it is important to them that the other person is strong enough to handle this, and can give as good as they get. there is a need for the lover to be of equal strength, and they will feel irritated by someone who gives in to them all the time, and will soon lose interest in such a person. they cannot be pushed into things themselves, and tend to despise those who can. although they may be critical of their lovers themselves, they will fight ferociously to defend them against anyone else who dares to attack their loved ones. 

honest, open and direct, mars in aries likes to let their potential lovers know exactly how they feel. it’s important to them  that things are straight-forward and that there is no confusion. they in turn like to know exactly where they stand, and cannot bear any form of deception. they have romantic ideals about sex, and need to be true to themselves, so that the pretence involved in having sex with someone that they do not really want or when they do not want it can be very disturbing to them. mars in aries is not really looking for physical sensation, but rather for some kind of spiritual fulfillment through sex. these people seek spiritually unity, a fusing and oneness with their lover which transcends the physical act. through it, they hope to experience a moment of bliss in which they have abandoned separateness and become one with their lover.

mars in taurus

someone with this placement will have a good connection to their instinctual, physical needs. this will be a strong, no-nonsense person with a matter of fact attitude towards sex; someone who gets enormous enjoyment from their sexual relationships, and with wide tastes. these people could be into sex for its own sake, as pure physical pleasure, with no trimmings. they are comfortable with their own bodies and physical desires. more gentle types could find them too careless and direct.

with mars in any of the earth signs, there is the propensity to split love and sex; but someone with mars in taurus is most prone to this, simply because their desire nature is so strong. these are not people who can easily be celibate, so if there is no-one in their lives who really matters to them, they are still going to look for sexual partners. they may have a pragmatic view of these liaisons, unaware of their own double standards, as when they are deeply involved with someone on a feeling level their values change dramatically. 

taurus is arguably the most possessive sign of the zodiac, and someone with mars in it may claim total ownership rights over their sexual partner. this differs from the emotional possessiveness of someone with mars in scorpio, as with taurus the partner becomes a prized object (trophy wife) in which they invest a part of themselves. infidelity is so completely threatening to these people that it is intolerable (though they may be cheaters themselves lol). they will value their partners highly, treat them as a possession, as an extension of themselves, and expect and demand absolute faithfulness. to say that they are jealous and possessive of loved ones is an understatement.

this is a very primitive mars placement; we are dealing with a neolithic person here. we’re in 2020 and the rest of the world developed more liberated attitudes to relationships, but they’re not easily filtered through to a mars in taurus person. this is someone who has traditional expectations and is likely to want to play a traditional role in relationships. they will build a relationship slowly, not one to rush into things, and will take their time to get to know a prospective partner. a sexual involvement does not necessarily mean  to them that a relationship is underway. they will evaluate a potential relationship in a pragmatic way. once involved, they are loyal and reliable, and are not afraid of making a commitment. they are at their best when in a secure relationship.

mars in gemini

gemini is the most restless of all the air signs; and people with mars here can barely remain still for a minute. they are constantly on the go, moving from place to place and person to person. finding it hard to survive for long without talking, if they cannot actually be with people they will want to be on the phone.they’re likely social media addicted and will find it really hard to concentrate their desire on one person, as sex to them may simply be a way into a friendship. in this way, these people are frequently starting new sexual relationships only to cool off almost immediately. this tends to make their relationships very complicated, when they want to continue on a friendship-only/friends w benefits basis, but the other person sees it as a sexual partnership. no one is more evasive than the mars in gemini person; and it is almost impossible to pin them down. their desires change from moment to moment, which makes it very difficult for them to commit themselves to any one person. because sex and companionship are so closely linked for them, being sexually faithful feels like only being allowed to talk to one person - a fate they find it hard to contemplate. besides, their attitude to sex tends to be rather lighthearted and playful, and so they cannot understand why others should get so heavy and possessive about it.

they are attracted to lively, exciting people who are fun to be with, and often  younger people. mars in gemini people are not very interested in physical beauty, but are excited by a lively mind and sharp sense of humour. they may get very argumentative when they are attracted to someone, and will enjoy it if the person responds in kind. i noticed they’re turned on by arguing, as if it’s a form of courtship to them, and like to chat and joke through sex itself. 

as gemini is intensely curious, they’re likely to wonder exactly what sex would be like with each person they meet, and to get a great deal of pleasure from speculating on this or just talking about sex. these people are tremendous flirts, as for them flirting can be a kind of verbal intercourse which is an end in itself. this can be very confusing to who they talk to, for they may believe that they’re being offered something that just isn't there and has no way of knowing that what they’re taking part in is not a prelude to sex but an alternative to it. crazy. the duality of gemini also means that there is a side of these people that wants much more than this casual, superficial pleasure which leaves them feeling deeply dissatisfied. deep inside, there is a part of them that craves profound and meaningful connections; and sex for them can be a form of communication that goes much deeper than words. for mars in gemini people, it's essential that their sexual partner is also a friend who will listen to them and talk to them. in order for them to feel truly desired, they have to be wanted as a person and a friend rather than just for sex.

mars in cancer

someone with this mars is going to move cautiously wherever failure and rejection are a possibility. like the crab, these people will never approach their objective head-on. they will act carefully and pay attention to what kind of response they’re eliciting. in relationships, they will not want to risk rejection, and will often not make a move unless sure of being accepted. these people will use their sensitivity to the non-verbal signals to judge how safe it is before risking a refusal. however, cancer is a cardinal sign, so despite their self-protectiveness they can and will initiate. when they feel emotionally secure, either because the external situation is non threatening or from an inner security established within themselves, they can act passionately and powerfully. 

this is a sexually passionate placement with deep and intense needs for emotional safety within a relationship. people with mars in cancer are particularly likely to want sexual contact to reassure them that they are wanted, although this need to be wanted extends beyond the sexual and will permeate their whole life. they may try to make themselves indispenable to others so that they will never be abandoned. in sexual relationships, they need to feel they belong, to feel protected and secure, and will in turn offer a sense of protection and containment to their partner. 

mars in cancer will often mother their partner and want mothering themselves. they enjoy taking care of others, both physically and emotionally. they are likely to be gentle, kindly and sympathetic. they will recognize and value the deeper exchanges of a sexual union and the bonds that exist on a feeling level. these people are likely to be possessive and to expect their partner to be completely faithful, though they will not necessarily apply this same standard to themselves. however, they will remain faithful if their infidelity threatens their security or violates their feeling of belonging to someone else. 

mars in leo

you desires with passionate intensity; and, like mars in aries, tends to attribute mythical qualities to those you want. you people are looking for someone larger than life, whom you can truly admire; and because of this you tend to expect a great deal from their lovers. mars in leos are prone to serial monogamy, falling passionately in love with someone who seems to embody all the qualities they want. during this phase, they will see the lover as perfect, and will be arresting in their praise. they will devote all their energy and attention to pleasing this person until the imperfections begin to appear. then they begin to feel angry and cheated as though the lover has deliberately set out to deceive them and let them down. the tendency then is to be very critical and see only the bad whereas before they had seen only the good. 

people with mars in leo like to dramatize, so they will tend to draw a lot of people in to sympathize with their disappointment. they are proud and unyielding, so this pattern tends to be repeated many times before they are able to stop blaming others and see how fixed and unrealistic expectations bring about their own disappointment. for them, sex is generally one of life's pleasures. they give a great deal of attention to setting the scene and creating the right atmosphere. their bedroom will be the most important room in the home, and will likely be beautifully decorated in rich, romantic colours. 

sex is an important performance to them; and they like everything to be exactly right. it’s like staging the first night of a play; and great care is taken to ensure success. they know exactly what pleases people and enjoy giving pleasure, always bearing in mind that sex should be entertaining. they are generous with compliments and attention, and are able to make their partner feel really prized. because their self-esteem is bound up with sex, mars in leo people can be very sensitive to criticism and rejection. there is a strong tendency to feel that they have to put on a great performance in order to prove that they are better lovers than anyone else; and this can rob them of some of their natural spontaneity. when they trust their instincts, they have an intuitive knowledge of what is pleasurable; and this, together with their warmth and enthusiasm, can make them great lovers. 

people with mars in leo are attracted to success. they tend to look to their sexual partners to confirm their identity and enhance their status, so that achievement, wealth and fame are all things that turn them on. they like the good life and enjoy luxury, so someone who can offer these things is likely to seem very attractive to them; and they also get great pleasure from sharing their own good fortune. they have a great capacity for enjoying life. these people's pleasures are very important to them, so it is vital to them that their lovers have a sense of fun and are able to share these pleasures with them. they will quickly lose interest in someone who lacks a strong appetite for life/with a negative mindset. 

mars in leo people can be very arrogant and high-handed at times. their belief that they are a law unto themselves can create a lot of conflict, drama and heartbreak in their relationships. they find it difficult to back down once they have taken a stand, and they may rather end a relationship rather than admit they are wrong. touchy and easily hurt, they feel humiliated by rejection, and tend to need constant reassurance of their desirability. neing belittled or made fun of feels like death to the them; and anyone who does this will kill off any desire immediately. in order for a relationship to flourish, this person needs to feel appreciated and respected; and their partner must be attentive and generous with praise and encouragement. if these things are not forthcoming, the mars in leo will feel unwanted and turned off. to them, sex is life-giving and vital to their sense of identity. these people are seeking to discover their own uniqueness through it, and so put themselves wholeheartedly into it. it’s a creative act for them; and they need to feel proud of what they do. they are highly principled where sex is concerned, regarding faithfulness and loyalty as essential to a successful relationship. 

mars in virgo

someone with this mars will be moderate and self-contained. they will have the sensual sensitivity that all the earth signs possess, but they will be reserved in expressing it. sex does not matter much to them. unlike mars in taurus, they have no desire in the abstract so they are quite capable of long periods of celibacy if there is no-one around that interests them. when in a new relationship, however, they will initially be very sexually active, trying to make up for previous abstinence. 

while someone with mars in virgo still takes sensual pleasure in their body for its own sake and very into masturbation, this is tempered by a practical, matter-of-fact attitude to physical needs and desires. this is not someone who is easily drawn into the excesses of a mars in taurus; mars in virgo is far more circumspect and health-conscious. someone with mars in virgo will have considerable caution in getting involved in a relationship. they do not want to make a mistake, and will select a partner with care. in choosing, they seek to fulfil quite particular criteria. in extreme cases, a prospective partner may feel like a job applicant being measured against a detailed set of requirements to see if they’re is suitable for the position. virgo has a reputation for being choosy, fussy and critical; and for someone with mars here, they can bring all of this to bear in their approach to a sexual partner. 

virgo is a very analytical sign, and mars in virgo can be analytical to an extreme. at their worst, these people will lose track of the inherent meaning in a situation, in trying to unravel and understand the detail. they can analyse a situation to death. more positively, they will always be prepared to talk about things and to try to undersatnd themselves and their partner. mars in virgos may want a partner who is useful, perhaps someone who helps out with practical or technical problems; and they may offer this to those they are involved with. joint ventures and activities will be an important part of their relationships.