#but i was just in pain all the time and very stress& ashamed bc my hands would just refuse to perform

[tiny-pun]

On writing pain

Okay so for once this isn’t an actual prompt but more so a tip:

If your character is supposedly in pain that lasts more than a couple of days or even weeks and months, eg. Because of a bigger wound or of a (new) disability… you most likely should show this in more ways than just the occasional “gasp and clutching the wound”!

Having such constant pain will have at least some kind of emotional impact: the stress of constantly being in pain, the constant push and pull between just succumbing to the pain and laying down until it goes away or just ignoring it and powering through. The balancing act of not overdoing it and being hypervigilant to the point you just hunch down to avoid worsening it.

Additionally you have to think about how to treat all of the different pains. How connected are they really? How much sense does it actually make to take pain meds ? Are there enough? Do I trust my doctor/s, to actually listen to me and take my pain seriously? Am I over exaggerating my pain? Am I underselling it? Am I annoying my doctor? Should I just wait and hope it goes away? It’s probably nothing anyway. But what if it’s so much worse ? What if this pain is just covering up something truly awful? But what if I’m making such a fuss now and tomorrow I can jump around like always? How unnecessary it would be to get so many people involved. Right ? This is especially hindered by poor use of words aka incapability to communicate. ( My head is just … kinda fuzzy?/Everything hurts?)

Another factor is how much they want to openly tell others about it. And whom they could possibly even tell and all the whys and hows surrounding it. And how hard it would be aka how long they’ve know each other and how much time they spent together. The hiding and lying adds more emotional stress and also possibly leads to neglect of any medical help. The “overt” complaining about the pain/situation can be exhausting and thus a different kind of stress. Especially if they’re feeling childish/unheard or otherwise ashamed about voicing anything but positive emotions but the pain is just too much and too consistent.

This can also lead to a constant comparison of how far into their recovery they “statistically already should be” or just the plain old “I could do xyz SO EASILY before”. Or worse: they’re comparing themselves to another (equally) wounded/disabled character. Wether it’s an internal belief or externally expected: if the character believes, that their wound/pain is comparably minor or should be easily overcome by themselves; and especially if they have a certain goal in mind, by which they should be back to their regular power and it’s not look in good … well then you certainly have a nice cocktail of stress and anxiety.

And if during the time of their supposed recovery, they end up getting some minor but more common sickness, eg. A cold or a stomach bug, it might not be their first thought. In fact they might do any and every test possible BUT think of the common cold. Not bc they’re necessarily stupid but bc of the fear, things might go to hell after all. Especially if the symptoms of both illnesses are similar enough. Anything else will just not be in their radar.

Also how would they like to be taken care of ? How much of that is a facade to please others ? Do they actually want to be hugged right now or are they just trying to please someone yet feeling suffocated? Do they just want their dead siblings soup and is a companionable silence enough to know they’re gonna be fine? How honest are they towards not only themselves but to others? And how much can the people and the situation itself even give that to them right now? (Do they need silence but they’re currently lying low in the city��s biggest hotel next to the market place?)

For all of this it doesn’t matter how big or small the pain actually is. What matters is that it is seemingly constant and only very slowly going away. The combination of constant physical pain with so much emotional turmoil and back and forth between opposing ideals aka stress can translate to even more physical pain aka psychosomatic pain. Headaches, breathlessness and even bigger issues such as literal heartaches can be the result.

This all can lead to spiralling and in the worst case a (temporary) depression. I dont think I have to explain how that could look like.

And one last thing: If the character is used to being in life or death situations, no matter if it’s due to multiple fights or an already existing disability: the common cold might be worse to deal with. They could be so used to dealing with the possibility of death that anything less than that is ironically unbearable. During a basically fatal stabbing they might just say a cheeky joke but freak out during the common cold.

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor. If you have the same pain for more than 6 week pls get it checked out if you can! And get well soon. These are just possible ways to write, what kind of thoughts and issues any type of constant pain (fatal or not) could cause.

[edelgarfield]

alright bestie i finished chapter eight and i just needed to thank you for destroying me and then subsequently putting me back together multiple times in a row. the comfort at the end though made all the days months years of the past installments worth it!!!!

to get personal with you for a moment— your characterization of durge in this series has been both so painful and so comforting for me. i recently started a partial-inpatient program for depression recovery, which i attend 30 hours a week. soon after starting, and with some help, it became blatantly clear how much self-loathing and contempt i hold for myself. at times, it feels like looking at durge is like looking in a mirror. the lack of self-worth, constant feelings of inadequacy, drive for perfectionism, and the absence of purpose. though the reflection is painful, i am now receiving the support i need to recognize where change needs to be made so i can heal after all these years. thank you thank you thank you, endlessly. you touched a part of me that i have always invalidated and has never felt seen<3

oh anon thank you so much! And I'm very glad the catharsis was worth it, it was definitely a long journey to get to this point & there's still a long journey to go.

And thank you so much for sharing your struggles, it really warms my heart to hear other people can see Durge the way I do, and understand how they reflect actual real world struggles that people go through.

Durge as a character means a lot to me for very similar reasons. I was (finally) diagnosed with BPD at the very beginning of 2023, & I've written about it through fanfic a number of times, but i struggle a lot with being unable to control/regulate my emotions and having unhealthy or irrational thoughts. I don't have violent intrusive thoughts like Durge, though some people do, but I struggle a lot with feelings of jealousy & possessiveness towards the people I'm closest to.

(under the cut bc this got so far away from me)

I'm self-aware enough to know when those thoughts are unhealthy & that it would be wrong to act on them. But for the longest time I was so ashamed of those feelings that I couldn't even bring them up in therapy. I would talk about the depression & anxiety those thoughts caused me, but I couldn't bring myself to say "I have an unhealthy obsession with my best friend" or "I don't want my friends to hang out with anyone else but me." and it's not a thought that I can just brush off, there's a very strong desire to act on those fears, to the point where it's extremely painful not to, but at the same time I know acting on them is wrong.

i think when it comes to mental health, it's gotten much easier to talk about being depressed or anxious, and those are things even people who aren't mentally ill can conceptualize. like everyone gets sad and stressed out from time to time. but i think it's a lot harder and there isn't nearly as much openness about the more "unsavory" symptoms like intrusive thoughts or violent impulses. i think those are things that are much harder to relate to, even among mentally ill people themselves. and the constant shame & guilt of dealing with those things is absolutely gut-wrenching.

even when I did finally start talking about these things in therapy, there was still this shame that followed me through every interaction. I'm in a place where I'm able to handle myself and my emotions, but they're still THERE. i'm certainly better at managing them than i was when i was younger, but my emotions & impulses are still largely outside of my control. with work they can get better over time, but that doesn't help me much NOW. i would constantly think "if my friends knew about my obsessions/jealousy/etc they would hate me." it's a huge burden to feel like there's a part of yourself that's inherently unlovable, and feeling the need to keep it under lock and key is so incredibly stressful.

with my therapist's help, I talked about this stuff with my friends for the first time a while back, and i feel so much lighter now not having to carry that guilt on my shoulders all the time. it's truly a lifechanging experience to be able to show someone the parts of yourself you're most ashamed of and have them love you anyway. my friends & i will actually joke about my obsessions w/ people, or wild things i've done to get people to like me and it's just... nice to be able to talk abt these things and have them be treated like something normal. dealing w/ these feelings & impulses has been such a huge part of my life for as long as i can remember and for the majority of my life i thought it was a burden i had to bear alone. but even just telling my friends about it has made it so much easier to deal w/ bc i'm not constantly carrying around the shame & guilt i did before. & my friends have taken steps to make things a bit easier on me, which i never thought anyone would be willing to do. i hope that everyone can get that experience of being loved unconditionally bc i've healed more in the past couple years than i did in the two and a half decades that came before.

anyway. that was a lot. but my point is that even though Durge is a video game character & their affliction is a magical one & not a mental illness (though i'm sure living with the urge would almost certainly lead to one if it wasn't already there) a lot of the struggle they go through is very real to me. like i said, I don't have violent thoughts/impulses, but i know what it's like to feel completely out of control & to think/want something intensely that disgusts you. that lack of control & shame has made it so difficult to let people in over the course of my life.

much the way they latch onto their identity as the party's leader, i've latched onto various titles & accomplishments because I felt like I didn't have anything else to hold onto. to this day, i joke about getting a degree everyone told me would be extremely hard, not because i was passionate about it, but because I was so attached to my identity as "the smart person" that I felt like a failure if I went for something "easier." and when the only thing I know myself as is "smart" i can't let other people see me be emotionally vulnerable, bc that'll shatter the persona i've crafted, and who am i going to be if i'm not that? it's the same for durge as a leader, letting their friends in isn't JUST about being seen as weak, it's about losing what little sense of identity they have, it's abt losing control of the way other people see them, one of the very few things that IS under their control, it's abt letting people get close enough to see the parts of themselves they've worked so hard to hide.

a sentiment that often gets floated abt people with BPD in particular is the idea that our negative emotions are extremely powerful, but so are our positive ones, & we love very intensely. That's how I see my version of Durge, the Urge is extremely strong & powerful, but so is their capacity for love & their drive to protect the people they care abt. when I was reading fic abt Durge prior to writing the series, there's a lot of depiction of the Urge as something that exists wholly separate from Durge themselves, & that's something that gets floated in the game itself, too. and i think that's a valid interpretation, but for me, my unhealthy & impulsive thoughts ARE part of me. hopefully with time & effort they're a part of me that can be unlearned, but it's still me. and that's something I really wanted to dig into & convey when writing Durge.

I think there are parts of Durge that are universally understandable like feeling guilt & struggling to become a better person, and those get explored a lot in fandom. but like i said abt mental illness before, I think there are parts of Durge that are extremely unpleasant that people struggle to depict in their characters without conceptualizing it as a different person, or a part of Durge that's been abandoned post-tadpole, or they only get discussed when it comes to characters that embrace the Urge. but for me, it's those unpleasant parts that I find most horrific & most relatable. Like it isn't just the horror of having intrusive thoughts, or the horror of losing control of your own body, it's having those horrific thoughts about things you know are wrong and disgusting but still desiring them anyway, and the shame that comes with that.

like obviously the Urge itself is a magical influence, but in many ways it's still a part of them, and their sense of self and identity is tangled up in it. Durge would not be the same character if you removed the Urge, their sense of morality & desires & what's important to them would not develop the same way, and it's something they actively have to manage & be aware of, much like I have to constantly assess myself for whether the Disorder is taking over. the Durge that existed pre-tadpole has a lot of things in common w/ Durge post-tadpole, whether you view them as different people or not.

i've very obviously never been in Durge's position, but a lot of their feelings & thoughts are heavily inspired by my own experiences dealing with destructive impulses & a lack of identity. in a lot of ways they remind me of myself at my worst (though again, i've never killed anyone, asleep or otherwise). the support they eventually receive in game (particularly after the "kill your lover" scene) and that I wrote them receiving in the most recent update were things I desperately needed/wanted when I was struggling, and something I think everyone deserves. the fact that fans can look at Durge & feel compassion for them despite how unpleasant the Urge is, and how awful their past actions are makes me feel like people might actually be able to feel sympathy for me and gives me a way to explain what it's like to feel completely out of control in your own body.

much like Durge, the thing that finally drove me to start working on myself in earnest a couple years ago was the love I had for my friends, and realizing that the way i was loving them at the time was extremely unhealthy for both of us. i'm very lucky to have met my current friends & to have made it this far despite having struggled for so long. my hope is that other people can see themselves in the version of Durge I've written, or even if they can't, that they can understand more and be more compassionate towards people who need it. it makes me so so happy to hear my work has helped you. i wish you nothing but the best and i hope you continue to heal & get the support you need.

[ii-zi]

Truthfully can't remember ever not being sick. Afaik I've been "sickly" since birth; this meaning I'd get sick a couple weeks right after getting "better" of the same thing, having multiple illnesses afflicting my body, being sick for months at a time, etc.

Literally just last year I was (and still am) continuously "sick" to the point of barely functioning for over 7 months. I was only "functioning" because I completely disregarded both my mental health and the toll it'd have on my body just so I don't "fall behind" on life lol. I wouldn't even know I actually got COVID if it wasn't for my family all getting sick too due to how the life altering symptoms are so similar to what I'd experience in a mildly bad day.

A couple months (?) ago I saw that post about the "pain index" for hospitals. I actually knew about it beforehand? But what i learnt sorta put it in perspective. It's like a 1-10 scale for when you go to ER (emergency room) and have to describe you pain to the doctors. Can't remember exactly how it went but it was something like "barely ever exist, not aware of it most of the time/doesn't affect" to "can't move bc of it can't think of anything else". The same post went on a tangent about how abled/not chronically ill people have a base index of 0. Which means that, in a un-injured, resting state, the pain they constantly experience is 0. 0. No pain inflicted as a secondary reaction to existing. It hit me somewhat hard, bc at first i thought "yeah that's normal", but quickly i realized it was not my personal experience: the fact that I can ("can") regularly function (i.e. force myself to) doesn't mean I don't experience it. At this point people just don't believe be bc I "can't possibly be in pain/going thru something all the time"

I don't remember ever not being in pain. I've had to, since the very first moment of my existence, make several extra efforts to function quasi-effectively in the same way others do on a regular basis. When normal people experience the symptoms I'd have in a good day, they'd usually call in sick: stop momentarily their busy lives to recover (and with good reason) not only due to how taxing it's for the body, but also because of how hard it is to simply function as a normal person under said conditions.

I know the "world isn't fair" and all that kinda stuff we're always told, but why do I have to perform up to a regular standard when I gotta start in such a disadvantaged position?

The most realistic outcome I could get out seeking a diagnosis would be debt because I'm also fucking poor a "minor" bothersome issue (ex. gastritis) and a "keep pushing" lol. The next best thing would be a "chronically ill but Fit to Work".

I've had to force myself, since the very beginning, to function minimally like the others, overstressing my mind, over abusing my already pained body. I'll never be "allowed" to perform on even terrain, but i am permanently expected to get not only similar, but excelling results so I can "prove" I'm still "worth it" because of all the same shit that makes it all so difficult.

Not only i want a fucking rest, but the permanent option of taking one whenever I fucking need it

[mokutone]

Hm…. Yamato is too easy, so…. Sakura? 👀

ah. an anon after my own heart. yes i love her lets talk abt her!!!

answers under the cut!

favorite thing about them — i kind of like that like. as a kid she's just a huge asshole. like due to her own insecurities. she put ino on a pedestal. and then got MAD at ino for being on a pedestal that SHE put ino on. she's constantly a jackass to naruto. shes rude to even sasuke. SHES RUDE TO KAKASHI TOO. like as a kid she was just kind of a writhing mass of frustration and insecurities and i love that abt her :)

least favorite thing about them — how did kishimoto get worse about writing women as he moved on. how do you lose skills like that? i was watching like episode 160 or something like that where pain attacks and sakura was like "oh no! who would be so awful as to attack the leaf village...!" like. kishimoto. what the fuck was that. shes a warrior in war town. if somebody destroyed konoha they'd destroy 90% of the land of fire's military force. like. puts chin on hand. like yeah this is sakuras home and there are civilians here but also she is literally warrior medic of war town. thats such a dumb line and u know they gave it to her just bc shes a girl. hate it here. anyway.

favorite line

this is rlly funny. lee said like one nice thing to her and now she's ride or die. sakura im so obsessed with u, u are soooo funny

brOTP — naruto :) theyre friends + they worked hard to be able to get along with each other. i wish we got to see more interactions that werent just the like. manzai comedy routine. had enough of her hitting him on the head come on. lets see them fight at each others backs already!!!!

OTP — bleh bleh bleh i'm not very shippy but i think ino + sakura have good chemistry, and i think rock lee + sakura could be cute.

nOTP — sakura and sasuke just make me really sad

random headcanon — she hasn't read any fiction books since she was like 13 and they stress her out at this point. you want her to get invested in some fictional fucking characters that she doesnt even know whats going to happen to? no thank you. sounds unpleasant. she's got a perfectly good medical text that tsunade is going to need her to have read by thursday anyway so really the fiction is a waste of time. she is like Yamato in this way.

unpopular opinion — i think she also has adhd. idk if i need to elaborate on this but like, when she does her kind of internal/external split in early naruto, it's clear that she relates to naruto a lot but is like way too ashamed of herself to act as honestly to her feelings as he does, and she clearly takes this out on him, instead of working thru her own issues about repressing her behavior. again not healthy behavior for a child but i do love that abt her. fucking nightmare tho

song i associate with them — some nights by fun. i don't know what to tell u, i have abysmal music taste and i have to own it so this is it? I sold my soul for this? Washed my hands of that for this? I miss my mom and dad for this? No, when I see stars, when I see– When I see stars, that's all they are

favorite picture of them

LOOK SHES SOOOOO SMUG. look at her little smile. look at the huge ahem. she got it right shes the smartest in the class and shes like. now give me the praise and the gold star i fuckin earned it. obsessed with her shes so wonderful and so obnoxious. absolute daughter. kakashis here for context but this isnt abt him.

[coraskeeper]

 ⤑ 𝘥𝘪𝘳𝘵𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘴 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘢 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘴 𝘴/𝘰

⤑ ft: shinsou, tamaki, kirishima, denki, fem!r

⤑ warnings: facesitting, unprotected seggs (don’t try this at home), choking, oral(m&f receiving), dumbification, slight femdom themes (only for tamaki), mastrubation, crying, use of the word cock bc it makes me giggle

⤑ file type: scenarios, smut

⤑ wc: 2.3k

⤑ an: def wanna write a whole shinsou smut now :’)

⤑ last edited: 1.25.21

⤑ 𝘦𝘪𝘫𝘪𝘳𝘰 𝘬𝘪𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘮𝘢

his obsession with his best friends girlfriend started out innocent 

he wouldn’t say he was in love with you, more like a kiddie crush 

just wanting to be around you and that heart warming presence of yours all it took was for you to simply ask him how he was or, what he wanted to do saying that his opinion mattered just as much as anyone else 

it might’ve been then he fell for you, your interest in him was genuine, not many people cared much for his input on anything really 

not that he minded- it just felt nice, to know that someone had what he would think in mind

he liked you and if he ever got the chance he’d give you the world, but your world was bakugo and he respected that

but all it took was walking in on you and bakugo getting hot and heavy for his thoughts of you to become way less than innocent 

bakugos large hands splayed across your bare ass cheeks as he helped you move up and down along his shaft

your chest pressed into his as you released the most heavenly moans he’d even heard in his life 

your wavering whines telling his friend how you couldn’t take anymore but your hips still hopelessly bucking against his

now anytime the poor boy seen you his face flushed red and he’d cut your conversations short out of the guilt of have seen you naked without your knowledge

he felt bad that just the sound of your voice made him so hard it hurt and he’d have no other choice but to relieve himself 

thinking of you large hand palming himself through his boxers 

his head falling back in relief in his mind you tasted so sweet, he’d always wondered what you tasted like, or what you’d look like sitting on his face begging for him. he just knew you’d look ethereal.

his gripped your hips hard, helping you move your sopping cunt along his mouth, one of your hands threading themselves through his bright red locks giving them a tug.

tears falling from your eyes as you whine asking him to let you breathe just for a second, yet your body betrayed you, your hips rutting against his mouth with the little energy you had left, “ please kiri, i can’t “

his eyes coming to stare up at you lovingly, his lips releasing your clit, “ ‘cmon sweetheart, i know you’ve got one more left “

ruby eyes staring up at you as he flattened his tongue against your clit again, your face was sinful paired with your pretty moans falling from your lips as your hips rutted down harder against his mouth, body shaking before collapsing with a sweet whine of his name.

his hands rubbing soothing circles against your pelvic bone, “ what a good girl you are “.

knees weak, his muscular back arched off the cold wood of the head board as he cupped himself softly, spurts of hot cum soiling the inside of his boxers, “ i want.. to taste her “

⤑ 𝘵𝘢𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘪 𝘢𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘫𝘪

he was actually terrified of you for a while before you became friends

you intimidated him to say the least

you and your boyfriend were very like minded, which would explain your random relationship with mirio

your presence was warm, and you often jumped into things head first and took everything that came your way with nonchalant attitude

though, your temper seemed to be a lot shorter and you were a lot more, uh- assertive for sure

he hadn’t known when it was he fell in love with you but no can say he never tried to prevent it

maybe it was when you’d make sure he got home safe, putting his life before yours on missions and coming to save his ass even when you needed to be saved yourself

or it might’ve been something as trivial as telling a waiter they got his order wrong at a restaurant

he wasn’t sure, but he was in too deep now and he was okay with just being your friend because you and mirio loved each other

he did pretty well at hiding his feelings for a while, 

well-

until he received a butt dial from his dear blond friend

at first there was silence and maybe some ruffling here and there, he’d contemplated hanging up until he heard mirio’s quiet whimpering from the other side of the cellphone

in a flustered haze he continued to listen, hearing your sultry voice loud and clear

low and stern, saying that if mirio wasn’t patient you wouldn’t let him cum at all, the blond boy begging for you and promising that he’d be good

he hadn’t mean to keep thinking about the phone call after that day but he couldn’t help but imagine what it be like underneath you and those attentive hands in the heat of the night

he tried not to touch himself at first- the guilt being too much, but your frequent visits to his dreams were becoming too much to deal with on top of his soiled sheets

so now- tamaki relieves himself of you the only way he knows how

your warm hand wrapped around his throbbing length trailing teasing kisses up his thighs, edging closer and closer to where he needed you, “you can cum again, can’t you tama? “

his lower half was starting to tingle almost painfully, the line between pain and pleasure was blurring, his eyes unfocused and body flushed in sweat, but he was so eager to take all that you were giving him, eager to be a good boy for you.

“ y-your mouth- bunny please “

he felt almost ashamed, yet the twitching of his ear and the lustful voice you used when you spoke was enough to spur him and the swirling heat in his stomach.

he wanted to be grateful and take all that you were offering to give him, anything to please you. anything to make you praise him.

the wetness of your mouth was all too surreal, he could almost feel your warm mouth sucking his cock into your throat, losing control bucking his hips up into your mouth with a whine, “ fuck, yes- ‘s good “

your pretty orbs staring up at him as he let out loud moans, his feet digging themselves into the bed sheets to fuck himself into your mouth at a harsh enough pace to give you a sore throat later.

his free hand slapping over his mouth, shaking body arching off the bed and knees clamping shut as he came with a tired scream of your name under his hand.

hot liquid dripping down his stomach and leaking from the tip of his softening length.licking the head of his already overstimulated cock, “ what a good boy you are, isn’t that right tama? “

his body falling limp with a whimper, “ i.. feel so dirty “

⤑ 𝘩𝘪𝘵𝘰𝘴𝘩𝘪 𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘰

you and his friend midoriya were polar opposites

you were smart mouthed and sarcastic, blunt and insensitive and you were always picking fights with him

though with time, he had begun to grow quite fond with you, a crush maybe

starting to indulge in petty arguments with you and push your buttons more often to see that cute face you made when you were frustrated

just when he came to terms that he developed a bit of attraction to you, you started to plague his mind in more ways than one

in all honesty- he did no more than merely acknowledge your current relationship with his friend

if he wanted you, he'd have you. it was as simple as that

he would never make passes at you simply because he liked you, he was fine with the distance between you both

but he’d figured his friend would have enough sense to know when and where was the right time to get hot and heavy with you

you sat between izuku’s legs, tongue lapping at his glistening cock pitifully, body shaking and tears streaming down your face

the way you could barely speak stunned him- you’d always had something to say

pleading the green haired boy to fuck you, give you some kind of stimulation

shinso watched you both shamelessly, retiring for the night with you and your submissiveness heavy on the brain

after the incident, he’d let you take control of his desires, taking cold showers to relieve himself of the stress you’d cause him from then on

he’d have his hand wrapped around your throat for sure, just barely cutting off your air circulation, hips snapping up into your ass in a pace that had your head spinning and spit dripping from the bottom of your chin.

desperately trying to turn your face away from the mirror in embarrassment, “ look at my pretty slut, drooling for me “, his fingernails digging into your cheeks and holding your head in place so you could watch how your body wreathed in pleasure from him and him alone.

he’d already made you cum with just his cock alone, not giving you time to collect yourself after each orgasm. his strokes deep and harsh, bruising the insides of your walls and his teeth leaving marks all over your neck- you had nowhere to run.

you were powerless and had no other choice but to take him whole, “ ‘nt t-take- no more “. your fingers grasping at the bathroom counter to prevent you from flopping face first into the sink.

“ he cant fuck you like this “, the loud wet smacking against your ass became impossibly louder, “ fucking yourself stupid on my dick- fuuck “

his teeth catching his bottom lip hard enough to break the skin, wet strands of purple hair sticking to his forehead.

thumb pressing down on the tip of his cock edging himself once again trying to control his moans of pure ecstasy at the thought of overstimulating you until you could no longer speak basic english, “ i wanna feel that pretty mouth of hers, too “

⤑ 𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘬𝘪 𝘬𝘢𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘳𝘪

he knew how wrong it was wrong but, it was his guilty pleasure

you were always so sweet to him, cradling his head to your chest when the others would pick on him and such

all of his friends took a liking to you as seros girlfriend and accepted you into their friend group

you grew especially close to denki, who happened to have a similar personality as you

the inevitable happened- of course, the classic love cliche

 he knew you loved sero and he’d never come between you two but he just couldn’t help himself

once sero had been trying to show him a couple of pictures on his phone, swiping too far 

accidentally showing denki a very vulgar photo of you

tears in your pretty eyes and your hands tied behind your back with your ass wiggling in the air

a godly arch and seros hand in the center of your back taunting him every time the image plagued his brain

the flash of the camera making your gorgeous cunt glisten 

so here he was, late into the night with his bottom lip tucked between his teeth and quiet groans heavy in his chest

sweats and boxers pulled down just low enough for his erection to leak precum against his stomach

shutting his eyes and tilting his head back to let his mind run wild, stroking himself slowly

you’d looked so pretty laid out beneath him legs pressed into your chest and tears of pleasure falling out of your eyes. his tongue catching each one before they could trail down and mix with the sheer layer of sweat on your sweet skin.

your pretty whines for him spurred him on, crying and moaning for him to ruin you in anyway he wanted, to take care of you because no one else could do it the way he did. he thought it was so mean of him to make you cry but you looked so angelic to him crying tears of joy all for his cock, all for him.

“ please, kaminari “, your pretty lips swollen as he leaned down to press another kiss to your mouth thrusting himself deeper into your fluttering cunt, “ don’t worry princess- gonna pump you full of cum “

his cock hitting the special spot inside your warmth, filling you up so good you could just scream, he might leave bruise on the back of your knees and an aching pain in your hips from how rough he was fucking into you.

your scorching insides sucking him back in each time, just imagining the pulse of your pussy was driving him crazy, “ look at this pretty pussy taking me so well- gonna take good care of her “

he could almost feel your arousal dripping down his lower abdomen, your hands pulling at his messy blond hair in ecstasy, your lovely voice calling out for him, “ please kami, take good care of me “

“ kami “

“ kami “

his hips jolting up into his hand harshly as he came, cum spilling over his fingertips, releasing a heavy pant wishlist brushing stray strands of his blond hair away from his face, “ fuuck, please “ 

tags:

[tommybaholland]

Hiii! May I request something with kuroo, akaashi and character of ur choice with a reader who's too kind to people, even those who treated them very badly?? It could be drabbles, hcs or anything up to you! Thank youu <3

s/o who’s too nice

featuring: kuroo, akaashi and sugawara

love this request!! you chose my two mains but i added suga bc i hadn’t written anything for him yet :) enjoy!

kuroo 

“wait...who was there?” 

you were currently trying to explain to your boyfriend why you came home so late from hanging out with friends. so far, he didn’t seem too happy that you ended up going to his favorite place and didn’t think to invite him. but the hesitation only grows deeper when you tell him who else was present. 

“okay, so your ex was there. why is that such a big deal that i couldn’t come, hm? did you talk to him?”

the last thing you wanted to do was lie to him. it wasn’t that incriminating; only a small conversation about mundane things. you didn’t want animosity, despite the main demise of that relationship. 

“so you want to be friends with him? babe, i know you don’t want to be on bad terms but i’m not going to be friends with him.”

that didn’t really seem fair to you.

“no, kitten, look. he hurt you! i’m not going to pretend to be friends with a jerk who was not treating you right.”

he was making sense. why were you even trying with someone who left your life long ago? you look down, ashamed of how you’ve upset the current, and seemingly everlasting, love of your life. 

he senses your shame and frowns before gesturing you over to him. “c’mere, sweetie.”

you find your way over and into his arms, holding you close. you buried your face into his black tshirt as you apologized. you felt the vibration of his chest as he responded.

“it’s okay, babe. i just don’t like seeing you upset, especially over another guy.”

he pulls away a little to look you directly in the eyes. 

“i’m sorry that i can be overprotective but...no one does that to my girl.” 

you nod and give him a small grin, which he returns. 

“okay,” he replies before pulling you back into a hug, stroking your hair and rubbing your back. “thanks for telling me, kitten. i love you so much.”

you smile into his chest as you return the sentiment, feeling him press a kiss to your head.

“now gimme a kiss. c’mon, gimme...give—”

you giggle as you slightly tease him by dodging his lips, before you finally allow him to catch the sides of your head and press his lips against yours. 

“there we go. thank you, sweet stuff.”

the look he gives you after he kisses you is something you could never give up.  

akaashi 

you took what felt like your millionth sip of water, suppressing the feeling of having to pee and hopelessly trying to stay awake. you had your laptop out in bed with the brightness turned down so you wouldn’t wake the sleepy boy next to you. unfortunately, akaashi was always keeping tabs on you, even while half-asleep. 

“baby?” he spoke, voice raspy. “are you still awake?” 

you squint your eyes away from the blue light to look over and down to him as he was moving closer to you. it would probably be a few more minutes. 

he sits up and gets a closer look at your face with frowned features. “aw, baby. look at your bags..aren’t you tired?”

you hesitate but can’t lie. you were trying to work through assignments but one group project was proving to take up more of your time than anything else. you had taken on one or two more responsibilities than your group members but you said you didn’t mind and would get it done diligently. akaashi peeks over to look at your screen, observing what was withholding you from sleep. 

“you’re not still working on that project, are you?” 

it’s obvious it wasn’t done yet.

“baby..you need to sleep. you’re overworking yourself.” 

you rubbed your hands over your strained eyes and sighed. you felt like you had been working on it forever and it still seemed like there was no end in sight. maybe he was right. his arm draped around you, pulling you into his side as his other hand reached up to brushed some loose hairs behind your ear. 

“you’re so, so hard working but..it’s okay to say no. you have other things going on too and there’s no reason why you should have to do all this by yourself.” 

you were too tired to even protest at this point, letting him continue to make his case.

“but i also know that you’ll get it done. you always do,” he spoke within close proximity, his voice vibrating right into your ear. “baby, pleaseeeeeeee.”

you were barely able to keep your head up, eyes drooping lower and lower as his hand rubbed your shoulder. you surrendered, giving him a small nod. 

“good girl,” he praised, pressing a kiss to your temple. “let’s save this and close the laptop.”

he shut the device and moved it off your lap and onto the bedside table for you. he then slid back down under the covers, pulling you into his arms. his thumb brushed against your cheek. 

“you look so stressed, baby. can i..help you take your mind off of it?”

his pretty cobalt eyes still shined through the darkness. he was a bad influence; you couldn’t say no to him. but your eyes rested as his lips breathed life into you, lazily moving with yours. 

“just relax, bebe. i got you.”

sugawara 

“hey, sugar,” your sweet boy welcomed you home from work with a nice hug. “how was your day?” 

it was okay. but you were drained, both physically and mentally. 

“hey, you okay? is something wrong?” he asked, running a hand from the top of your head down through your hair. 

“i dunno. you just seem quiet...and down about something.” he continues to pet your head while keeping you close to his body. you could almost fall asleep in his arms.  

“here, let’s go sit on the couch, sweetheart. come, come.”

he guides you over and pulls you back into his side once you’re settled, encouraging your head to rest on his shoulder. 

“i’m making dinner now but we can talk while it’s cooking,” he explains. “i know you’re tired, sugar. but i’m here now, and you can tell me whenever you’re ready.”

it had been a long day. you woke up late and were a few minutes late to class which subsequently led to you being chastised. even after apologizing profusely, you couldn’t find the courage to defend yourself. that feeling hung over your head almost the rest of the day. then you had to go to work and by that point your head was so empty that those three hours lasted forever. 

“so you’re never late and the one time you are, they yelled at you?”

as if a dam had broke, the tears began to fall.

 “oh sweetie, it’s okay. it’s over now and i’ve got you. shh,” he hushes as he rubs a soothing hand up and down your back. 

“you’re trying your best and i admire you so much for that. but please babe, don’t let them treat you like that again. i don’t wanna see my princess so upset.” 

you knew you had trouble standing up for yourself and couldn’t help to take the blame, even when something wasn’t entirely or at all your fault. it breaks his heart to see your struggle so he tries to be there for you as much as possible, hoping to relieve any invisible pain. it’s hard and you can’t help but have a huge crying fit after holding everything in all day. 

“i know it’s painful, sweetheart,” he wipes some tears from your cheeks. “but you’re going to be okay. and don’t think that you’re bothering me because you’re not. i love you, so much. you’re allowed to hurt. but i want to see you happy and that you’re heard. please don’t blame yourself.”

you hug him tight and tell him you love him. you really lucked out. what would you do without him? 

“so, how about,” he pulls back slightly to look at you, brushing hair out of your face. “we eat and then we can do whatever makes you feel relaxed. i can give you a back rub or we can just cuddle on the couch; whatever you want, sugar. sound good?”

you let your lips curl up into a smile, nodding in response. 

“aw, there’s that beautiful smile.”

he leans down to give you a slow but passionate kiss, letting everything melt away. 

yooooo its haikyuu night! requests are always welcome

[luccislegs]

Do you have any nsfw/sfw headcanons for Katakuri, Shanks and Mihawk?

rises from the dead like the terrible admin i am i’m forgot to post lmao my b. no but seriously, just been really tired so. uh, smut under the cut.

general:

katakuri:

Katakuri isn’t openly affectionate at first. It takes him a while to really start displaying any physical affection. But he’s a very good listener. He even enjoys it if, while he’s doing paperwork or whatever, you come in and chat. He finds it a nice break in the tedium of running his mother’s empire.

After a while of being together, whether it’s an arranged, rushed marriage or you have time to get to know one another, he mellows out. He’s still a bit reserved about open affection in front of his siblings, since he does have a “reputation” to keep, but he isn’t going to actually complain if you crawl into his lap during a Tea Party or take his hand while you’re out strolling. And if you’re far too small to hold his hand, expect to be perched on his shoulder so the two of you can chat or even curled up under his scarf, if you can fit. He might be shy, but it reminds him that you aren’t ashamed to be with him. 

That being said, he makes up for his aloofness in public thoroughly in private. There’s a whole section of his home on Komugi Island that he allows only a few, extremely well-trusted people in, and there he shows his true character. Even if he’s only been gone a few hours or he’s seen you multiple times throughout the day, he’ll collapse into your arms, using your chest as a pillow and allowing you to run your fingers through his hair as you chat quietly.

He’s not big on grand gestures, but he’ll bring you home small gifts that catch his eye or have his bakers deliver something to you during the day, just to show you he’s thinking of you.

Obviously he’s pretty shy about his scars and his teeth, and he’s very sensitive about them. But the first time you see his face, he absolutely melts when you run your fingers over the former, trailing kisses down them. It bolsters his confidence a lot and you quickly learn he enjoys it when you caress his cheeks.

mihawk:

Like Katakuri, he’s not very openly affectionate, and even when he starts to display his affections, they’re very classy and reserved. Even in private, he can come off as cold. But he also isn’t going to push you away if you try to get some attention. Curling up in his lap while he’s reading a book or just hugging him from behind while he’s cooking will get you a soft chuckle and the question, “Are you feeling needy, my dear?” He knows he’s not the most open person, so he allows you those small things if you need them.

Sometimes, if he’s going to a warlord meeting and/or just out because he’s “bored,” he’ll bring you along. It’s actually really nice, just the two of you on the sea. Something about it makes him more open, and he’ll bring you to sit in his lap while the waves lap at the edges of the boat. During fights, if he decides to divulge, he’ll make sure you’re well protected, but knows you enjoy watching him in action. He’ll never admit it, but from time to time he really does get into fights just for that reason.

He’s really not about bringing home gifts. He’ll bring you small trinkets from time to time or maybe a new blanket if he’s really feeling it, but even if he’s been gone for days or weeks, he won’t generally bring you home gifts. That being said, he’s at his most voracious when he’s been gone from home for a while. It really shows how much he loves and misses you then.

shanks:

This man is a big flirt and a big cuddler. If he can do both, he’s even happier. As it is, he is always doing at least one or the other.

Tokens of affection from him come in the form of the most random shit imaginable. Sometimes it’s normal, like flowers or a cake from the local shop. Other times it’s a crossbow you can’t even lift or a bottle of some obscure alcohol he bought off a rando in an alley. Either way, he’s always very proud of his gifts, though he definitely gets certain things just to get a rise out of you.

His favorite thing to do-- and I say this loosely bc he doesn’t know it’s his favorite thing to do-- is get really drunk and seek you out. Oddly, he isn’t the type to get stupid drunk and just flirt with anyone. No, he’s the type of drunk that gets really, really clingy to his partner. If he can’t find you, he can and will sulk and pout until he either finds you or you find him. At that point, he’ll yell happily and tug you down into his lap and resume his casual drinking.

He doesn’t usually get hangovers. Being a professional drinker, he’s outgrown them for the most part. But when he does get them, he’s a baby about it and will whine if you get out of bed, even if it’s to get him aspirin and/or more alcohol (usually both). When you come back with it though, he’ll thank you happily and pull you down onto the bed again with one hand, already guzzling the drink down with the other.

smut:

katakuri:

He doesn’t have a lot of experience, but he does have some. Being so shy about his mouth and also as intimidating as he is doesn’t generate a lot of passion for him. So when you first sleep together, he’s naturally a little reserved. Constantly asking if you’re alright at the beginning. He’s worried about his size and his teeth hurting you so he’s slow and cautious. It ends up being you who has to push things further, riling him up until he stops worrying about your pain and starts worrying about your pleasure. Once he loses himself to it, he’s a very good lover.

Obviously he does still need to be careful about his teeth, especially when giving oral, so he takes that the slowest every time. It works out though, and he gets better at it over time. It’s also where he learns the joys or orgasm denial (which he’s really too sweet to use too much).

The positions you start out using are pretty vanilla until you open him up to the pleasures of quickie’s in his office, whether he’s got you bent over his desk or you’re riding him in his office chair, his large, gloved hands sliding up and down your thighs while he lets you do the work. You do have to work to coax him into it the first time because he’s worried about being caught, but after that it’s easy. Also Katakuri is probably a good candidate for cockwarming, especially in the office, once he gets over his nerves. When you crawl into his lap and slide him inside you, just sitting and teasing, talking, whatever you’re doing to him, he feels all his stress just fade into the background.

Food play. We all know it’s true and I should say it. He’s a bit hesitant at first but when he sees you covered in some of his favorite sweets one night when he comes home, he’s instantly hard. And don’t even get me started on eating a donut that’s around his --

He’s only really open to exploring kinks with a trusted partner, that being you. It’s only when you bring up trying out different things (food play, for example) in the bedroom that he starts to find out things he enjoys himself and asking if you would be willing to try.

mihawk:

Mihawk has a lot of experience. The man fucks and everybody knows it. Mostly it’s one night stands or short flings, until he meets a steady partner. Then all that experience really comes to the front.

Knows his kinks already. Knows what he likes and is actually really good at guessing what you’re into as well. His personal favorites are blindfolding and light bondage, usually tying his partner’s hands over their head and to the headboard.

Another big thing he likes is you wearing either one of his shirts or his hat, or both. Something about seeing you in the long white silk shirts makes him want to very slowly unbutton it while he leaves a trail of open mouth kisses down the newly exposed skin before sliding it slowly off your shoulders. There’s no excuse for the hat, it just makes him hard.

He’s very into exploring your kinks as well. He’s not a selfish lover by any means and so long as it doesn’t hurt you (too bad, at least) he’s willing to try them. If he doesn’t like them or he’s uncomfortable with them then he’ll tell you, but he isn’t going to deny you, he’ll just request to do them less.

He mainly likes making love in the bed, but if he’s up late or has just come home after being away, he won’t deny if you seek him out and ride him in his chair or he’ll just attack you wherever he finds you, pinning you to the wall and taking you roughly.

shanks:

Shanks is definitely the most open out of all three of them. He’s a bubbly and goofy lover, prone to making jokes and being immature in the middle of sex and making you burst out laughing. Sex with him is an adventure in more ways than one.

I’m not saying Shanks has a voyeur kink, but I am saying Shanks does not mind being caught fucking. Not necessarily for his partner with another person (which he would totally be down for it’s just not his main). He really just doesn’t care who sees him. He’ll have sex with you on deck in full view of another ship or port, in an open window, or on the beach just outside the reach of the light of the bonfire while his crew continues to party. Fingering you underneath the table in whatever bar you happen to find yourself in that night is a common occurrence. He is also not above you blowing him under said table.

In terms of kinks (besides the one above), he’s very relaxed and is willing to do whatever whenever. He doesn’t have any specifics until he decides he wants sex and then it’s just whatever he’s feeling that day. If you have any you want to try, he’s probably already tried it at least once and will guide you through it. Is also suspiciously good at guessing what you would be into but when you point that out he just says it’s “experience.”

Honestly a big advocate for threesomes. If he can have one, he will and really needs a partner who’s okay with that. He isn’t necessarily noncommittal, but he does at least like threesomes when the ship stops in port somewhere and you kinda have to be okay with that otherwise it won’t work.

[cali-holland]

An Illicit Affair- Harrison Osterfield One Shot

Pairing: KOH!Harrison Osterfield X Angel!Reader

Prompt: Harrison can only visit you in the mortal world on the 13th of each month, but, with his powers weakening, he’s given an ultimatum: his crown or you.

Word Count: 3800

Warnings: dark undertones bc it’s Hell?, might be some swearing, my general lack of knowledge of Hell/demons

And shout out to @duskholland​ for hearing all my shitty ideas before I landed on this one 😂

Masterlist   Harrison Osterfield Masterlist

*Moodboard is mine, pics used are not*

Inspired by the lyric from Illicit Affairs by Taylor Swift:

“And you know damn well For you, I would ruin myself A million little times”

~~~~

You smiled, looking through the glass roof, watching as the humans bustled beneath you at the mall. You could see everything from your spot: the employees happily leaving their jobs as the clock struck 1, the high school couple that was on their first date, the children running around the indoor playground, the elderly couple enjoying their ice cream at the food court, the college student that found a $10 bill on the ground that you may or may not have conjured right then for them- everyone was content.

“I don’t think angels are supposed to do that.” You heard a smooth voice behind you as a warmth washed over you.

“I don’t think the devil’s supposed to be with an angel.” You teasingly replied, turning to face Harrison on the roof.

“When does the devil ever listen?” Harrison smirked. He raised a hand to caress your face, doing his best to memorize every little detail.

“I missed you.” You said quietly.

“I missed you, too.” He cupped your cheeks, pulling you in for a gentle, yet passionate kiss to show you just how much he’s missed you this past month.

As King of Hell, he could only leave Hell and visit the mortal world once a month- on the 13th to be exact from noon until midnight. Meanwhile, you, like all other angels, could freely walk the Earth as long as your wings beat. The 13th, though it was a fearful day for most with demons coming about, was the best day for you, every single month, because you got to see Harrison. It was an illicit affair, but neither of you wanted it to end, even if it killed you to watch him disappear into a puff of red smoke every single time.

“You’re late.” You murmured against his lips, your breath falling into his breath. Harrison stayed silent, nuzzling his head into the crook of your neck, mindful of his horns. His hands found your waist to keep you as intimately close to him as possible. Your fingers ran through his hair, tracing mindless patterns in the soft curls. He leaned into your touch, and you knew something was seriously wrong. You could sense the turmoil within him, stronger than ever before. “What’s troubling you, my love?”

“It’s nothing.” He whispered into your skin, his warm breath tickling you.

You closed your eyes, inhaling a deep breath as you let your mind wander, trying to reach out to his. You could read the minds of mortals and understand what true happiness they sought with ease; with Harrison though, he was much trickier for you to read. His mind was filled with the voices of all the dead souls in the Underworld, but, still, you had to try, if he wasn’t going to tell you. Normally, he would pull away as soon as he felt your mental presence to protect you from having to listen to all the demonic voices, but this time, it was like he wasn’t even present there- in his own mind. You paused your journey through his mind as you realized the voices were louder, and his own thoughts were impossible to hear. You pulled your mind from his and breathed out in confusion, “You’re weak, aren’t you?”

Harrison pulled back from you to look you in the eyes. His dead eyes searched through your lively ones. “How did you know?”

“I read your mind.” You whispered, and his face fell at the realization.

“I couldn’t feel you.” He answered in disbelief.

“Harrison, talk to me. What’s going on?” You asked, and he let out a small sigh.

“I can’t keep coming here.” Harrison’s voice broke as he continued, “Every time I leave Hell, I lose more and more control over it. Yesterday, a few souls got past Cerberus.”

You were silent for a moment, knowing the weight of his words. Cerberus was the physical representation of Harrison’s control over the souls, and the three headed dog kept demons from leaving Hell whenever they pleased. While demons, including himself, could come to the mortal world once a month, he was the only one to continuously suffer from it. Every visit to see you was a chip away at his power; even now, he could feel his grip on the other undead souls slipping away. If he lost that power completely, the demons would overrun the Earth and destroy the angels- everything would go to apocalyptic ruin. Harrison drew his power from the flames of Hell, and the only solution was for him to stay there and not return to the mortal world until he was strong enough to keep the souls at bay.

“You must go.” You said quietly, feeling your heart break at your own words. “You must go and regain your power.”

“I don’t want to leave you.” You could sense the tremor in Harrison’s voice- he was scared of losing his power, but he was scared of losing you even more.

“But you need to. You can’t save me if the demons come.” They were gruesome words, but he needed to hear them. He needed to remember that, while he wanted to protect you, he couldn’t protect you if he lost his powers.

“I don’t know how long I’ll be gone.” He admitted. “I don’t know when I can return to you.”

“We have eternity, my love.” You reassured him. The familiar red smoke began to circle at his feet, and you quickly pulled him in for one last kiss, “I love you, Harrison.”

He didn’t get the words out before the smoke overcame him and he disappeared, but you already knew- you knew he loved you, and you’d see him again some day.

~~~

When Harrison returned to the Underworld, the familiar red and black gates opened with an ominous hiss. On his walk to his dark palace, he checked in on the surroundings. The same overcast clouds blocked out all sunlight except for the faded rays peeking through just enough to keep it lit, the same river Styx carved out a trail through the never ending darkness, the same flames burned in the distance to illuminate the various paths, and the same dead trees lined those very pathways. It was dreary as always, but it was his domain, his home.

He wanted to bring you here one day, just so he could show you the spots he loved in Hell, albeit they were a bit gloomier than you were used to. You were used to a picnic under the Tree of Life in Heaven, but if you came down here with him, he’d take you for a stroll along the River Styx. He’d introduce you to Cerberus too, the three headed dog that brought him joy even in the darkest pit of Hell.

“You’re back early.” Tom, his grand duke, noted when Harrison returned to the grand palace. When Harrison didn’t reply and continued his stalk to his office, Tom tried again to get his attention, “Was she not there?”

“She was there.” Harrison answered sharply, slamming his office door behind him, wordlessly telling his grand duke that he didn’t want to be bothered at this moment. He let out an angry sigh, steaming coming from his breath as he sat in his large, leather chair. The heat in his office was unbearable today; Hell was unbearable today.

He didn’t want to be here. He wanted to be with you on Earth, where the two of you could be together, even if it was just for twelve short hours on the 13th of every month. His eyes flickered over the single black feather that sat in a glass case on his desk, the only thing he had to physically remind him of you.

“It’s almost midnight.” Your voice was just above a whisper.

“Sh. We have time.” Harrison replied softly, running his hands through your hair, before his lips found yours for the hundredth time that day. You could feel every bit of warmth he radiated rushing through your body. In the desperate heat of the kiss, Harrison’s hands roamed your body to pull you closer to him. His finger barely caught on one of your wings, and you jumped away from him, crying out in pain.

“Y/N? Y/N? Are you alright?” He looked at you in concern, not daring to reach out to you. He watched as a single feather dropped from your pure, white angel wings and turned black as night. He felt foolish for forgetting the curse of a demon’s touch, especially his; when a demon touches an angel’s wings, they return to Heaven and lose the ability to fly, forever left to guard the pearly gates above. He got lucky this time. His finger had touched only one feather, not your full wing, but it was enough to make him ashamed of himself and afraid of his own touch.

You took a deep breath as you grabbed the dark feather from the ground, stretching out your wings; the one still tingled from the burn of his touch. When your eyes met Harrison’s, you saw the frightened and ashamed look on his face. You stepped towards him, and he backed away. “Harrison, I’m fine.”

“No, you aren’t. I hurt you, I almost took away your wings.” He shook his head as he spoke. “I could’ve lost you.”

“It was one feather, and I know you never meant to hurt me.” You reassured him. You flew a little until you were in front of him and took his hands in yours, slipping the black feather into his palm. “They still work. You haven’t lost me.”

Red smoke started to simmer at his feet, and you gave him one last tender kiss. When you pulled away, you smiled softly at him, “I’ll see you in a month.”

It seemed strange to Harrison that it was only a year ago when that occurred; it felt like ages ago, but yet again, that was the life of an immortal. He just wished he could feel like he did back then- powerful as the king of hell with you by his side.

~~~

With each passing day, Harrison‘s stress over his rule increased. More and more, demons were slipping away into the mortal world. It had been three months since he had been to Earth, since he had seen you, and he didn’t feel like he was regaining any of his strength. Tomorrow, the 13th, would’ve been his chance to see you again, but he knew he had to remain in Hell if there was any hope at keeping the demons from overrunning the angels.

“There’s been another escape.” Tom informed Harrison, rushing up to the king as he strolled along the River Styx.

“How many is that now?” He asked, fearing the answer already.

“113.” The grand duke replied, “If any more escape-“

“I know.” Harrison cut off his friend, not wanting to hear what would happen if he didn’t get a better handle on the situation. “I need my strength back, and I need it back now.”

“What if it isn’t about you leaving Hell?” Tom offered, making the kill look at him in confusion, “You’re the King of Hell, of course your reign would weaken in your absence, but what if your actual power is weakened from something else- or rather, someone else?”

Tom was the only one who knew about you, the only one Harrison trusted enough to tell, but Harrison never thought his love for you could be his greatest weakness, not when you felt like his greatest strength. Before Harrison could respond, a voice called out from behind them.

“Someone else? Has the devil found a woman?” The figure stepped out from the shadow of an old oak tree. Harrison and Tom recognized the other demon immediately.

“Lucifer.” Harrison acknowledged curtly. “What do you want?”

“Why do you assume I want something?” Lucifer asked, a hand placed over his chest in offense as he stalked towards them. He feigned innocence, “I was just simply walking past when I saw the Grand Duke run up to you in a hurry, and I feared for our world.”

“That’s bullshit, and you know it, Lucifer.” Tom scoffed. Harrison may have been the king, but Lucifer was always hungry for more power, seeking out ways to seize control of Hell.

“Am I not allowed to be concerned for our world?” 

“When it’s considered eavesdropping on private matters, no you are not allowed to.”

Lucifer clicked his tongue at Tom’s response, his red eyes shifting to Harrison, who stayed silent, “Who is it? A mortal?” Harrison’s jaw clenched, and Lucifer smirked, red eyes lighting up in recognition, “An angel. Why, that’s an interesting pair.”

“What’s it to you?” Harrison questioned, his fingers tingling with a new found heat that rushed through his system.

“Oh, nothing.” He replied, but the answer didn’t satisfy Harrison. “Have you ever seen a wingless angel and the scars that trace their backs? There’s no greater feeling in all the worlds than running a hand through their feathers and watching as each one burns off, listening to their agonizing screams as they retreat to Heaven for the rest of their days.”

At his words, Harrison flooded with a new-found anger, grabbing Lucifer by the neck, his black claws growing out of his hands to prick at his skin. Through gritted teeth, he warned, “If you so much as breathe on her-”

“Or what?” Lucifer tested, “You’re weak. You can’t stop me, but I’d be willing to negotiate.” Slowly, Harrison set him down and tried to calm his breathing, steam coming out with each exhale.

“What’s the deal?”

“I won’t touch your precious angel if you give me the crown and join the mortals.” He offered, and Tom stepped forward, cautiously putting a hand on Harrison’s shoulder.

“Don’t. It’s a trick.” Tom stated, already knowing Harrison would give everything to ensure your safety. If Lucifer took your wings, you would be trapped in Heaven forever, and, as immortals, forever was an even longer time.

“I’ll give you time to think about it, your majesty. After all, I won’t take my chances with Cerberus today when tomorrow is the 13th.” He grinned wickedly, before walking away and disappearing into the shadows of Hell.

“Harrison-“ Tom started, but it was too late; he’d already disappeared, teleporting to his office, one of the perks of being the Devil. The grand duke let out a sigh before hurrying back to the palace to speak with his friend.

By the time Tom reached the palace, Harrison was pacing around the office with a piece of parchment in one hand and the single black feather in the other. Before he could speak, Harrison shoved the paper into the grand duke’s hands, “I need you to give this to her.”

“You can’t give up your kingdom to Lucifer. You know he’ll strip her of her wings and kill you all over again.” Tom reasoned.

“I’ll change the deal- make it so that he can’t harm us. If I don’t, Lucifer will never leave her alone.” There was an eerie silence in the room as Harrison turned away from Tom, stalking over to the fireplace. “Tomorrow, go to her and give her the letter. She needs to know that she isn’t safe anymore.”

“How do you know the letter will pass through the portal with me?”

“I just do.” He replied, his fingers running over the cold feather as his eyes focused on the fire. Tom quietly backed out of the room, letter in hand to prepare for his journey to Earth tomorrow.

Harrison looked at the feather in his hand. He raised it to his lips, murmuring, “It’ll be alright, my love.”

~~~

The past three months had been especially dreary for you. The first month was similar to any other, living on that hope that it was just a matter of days until Harrison would be back, but, of course, he wasn’t strong enough to return after a month away. And then the second month passed, and now it was the third one. You had hope, knowing he’d come back to you at some point, just like he always did.

You weren’t sure if he was getting any stronger. More and more demons were slipping past the gates of Hell and entering the mortal world when they weren’t supposed to be there. At first, the other angels tried to combat them and banish them back to where they belong, but then the demons would rip their wings out. Not many angels remained on Earth, fearing the imminent apocalypse. You remained, though, feeding on that hope that he’d gather his strength and regain his control of the realm.

Without the light of all the angels, Earth was growing darker, colder. You sat on the roof of the mall, right where you were every 13th day of the month, looking through the glass at the people below. The humans weren’t happy, not even when you’d send someone a little gift of joy. And you weren’t happy either; your world was bleak and cold as well without Harrison there. Even Heaven felt wrong to you now. You felt a wave of warmth wrap around you, but it wasn’t the same warmth that Harrison would greet you with; defensively, you turned to the figure.

“I’m a friend.” Tom said, holding up his hands in surrender, one hand clutching tightly onto the letter. You searched his mind for a moment in a search to see if he was speaking the truth. Hearing his thoughts flicker back to Harrison in concern, you pulled yourself back to reality.

“Tom the Grand Duke.” You stated, and he did a little bow for you.

“And you must be Y/N.” He smiled. Harrison had told you of his best friend, the grand duke, but he was never able to introduce the two of you. It was Tom’s job to act as king in his absence; the two of them never able to leave Hell together.

“Is he okay?” You asked, worried about why Harrison would send his friend.

“He’s as okay as he can be.” Tom replied as he held out the letter to you. “He wanted me to give this to you.”

“Thank you.” You said politely. You took the paper from him, opening it up and reading it quickly.

‘My love,

The longer I have been away from you, the weaker I have become. I want more than anything to cross the portal and be with you, but I must be cautious. Lucifer has learned of your importance to me, and he plans to steal your wings to use them and you against me. By the time you read this, I shall be making a deal with him. He will only leave you unharmed if I surrender my crown and my immortal life to him. I will live as a mortal on Earth, powerless and crownless, but it will be worth it because I can still see your beautiful face. I miss you, and I shall see you soon, even if it is in a different life.’

Tom stepped forward hesitantly as a few tears slipped down your cheeks, wetting the letter in the process. He reached out console you, and you leaned into his warm touch, crying from the note. All of the hope you had for Harrison’s return washed away, but you couldn’t let him throw away his life, his title, his world for you.

~~~

“And Y/N remains unharmed,” Harrison said, before adding definitively, “Forever.”

“You have my word.” Lucifer answered. “Anything else?”

“As long as she’s safe.” He stated, and the other demon nodded, holding out a hand to him. Harrison went to shake it, but paused when he felt an odd presence overcome him, like someone had just entered Hell when they weren’t meant to. Before he could go investigate the new arrival, the palace doors opened and in walked Tom with you beside him.

“Y/N?” Harrison questioned, unsure if you were really there or if he had somehow envisioned you. He ran over to you, cupping your face in his hands. “You’re really here?”

“I’m here.” You smiled weakly at him. His eyes ran over every detail of your face, taking in all of it, just as he always did after being away from you. He stepped back as he realized your figure wasn’t accompanied by your pure, white wings. He opened his mouth to ask, but you cut him off, “I wasn’t about to let you give up your crown for me.”

“But Heaven-”

“Doesn’t like angels having affairs with the Devil.” You told him with a small laugh. “It didn’t take much for them to free me. I’m here, and I’m here to stay.” Harrison smiled, leaning in to kiss you, overcome with happiness.

“What about our deal?” Lucifer questioned, drawing the attention of the room back to him. Protectively, Harrison stepped in front of you and kept a single intertwined with yours.

“We never shook on it, and now that Y/N’s a demon like you, I’d say there’s nothing you can do to hurt her.” Harrison said.Lucifer ran from the room as a fire flickered in Harrison’s eyes. The room fell silent momentarily before the sound of Cerberus’s distant growls filled Hell, followed by the sound of screaming souls. You felt a wave of heat rush from Harrison’s hand into yours and through your body as he turned to face you. He felt his power come flooding back, the escaped souls returning to the Underworld. The Devil was back at his full strength with you right by his side.

~~~

Tag List: @viagracex @theamazingtomholland​ @Hellomoveonby @heyitsshrez @harrisonosterfieldhazmyheart @joyleenl @t-o-m-holland​ @lonikje​ @sleepybesson​ @sunkisseddreamer​ @hollandsamor

Harrison Tag List: @Calhtlland @tomkindholland​ @where-art-thau-romeo​ 

and, for this fic: @in-a-lot-of-fandoms-tbh​

[meetmeatthecoda]

Okay so, I wanted to offer my two cents on that ask about Liz’s reaction in Luther Braxton: Conclusion. This is NOT meant as an attack on anyone—I find it 100% valid that the OG nonny (and anyone who related to them, including you dear Coda 💖💖💖) feels the way they do; they can’t control how they reacted to Liz any more than I can control how I reacted to that ask. Plus like, this is all fiction so no harm done? I purely wish to share my perspective, not ~present a counterargument~ or anything like that. :) Apologies in advance for how long this got. 😅😅😅

I get why you would react negatively to Liz’s screaming at Red, but I feel like?? That incident of all the times she’s treated him unjustly was (one of?) the most reasonable. Now, how she continues to act afterwards (regarding the Fulcrum but also, like, for the rest of the show welp) is 100% a continued bad decision in so many ways on her part and reflects terribly on her character, but her reaction in the immediate aftermath?? IDK, I feel the need to kind of defend her, probably because I absoluuuutely saw myself in her when she did that. I’ve (I shamefully admit) yelled, shoved, and even kicked at loved ones when they just wanted to comfort me but their attempts made me feel cornered and small. I’ve made logically unbased and ethically/emotionally unfair accusations against people who’ve done nothing but try to help me when I just needed something to get them away (literally or otherwise). When I just needed to attack something—take out my frustrations and confusion and fear and anger on someone. (And if Liz was like that, she might have latched onto Red as her target because he was the closest thing—physically, emotionally, and even in relation to the cause of that confusion and anger itself.) I have inflicted real harm on people while in an unsettling or unfamiliar mental state—harm that I couldn’t take back even when I could look back with a clear(er) mind and realize I never should have said/done any of that.

(Also, side note: when I first watched that ep and I saw Liz screaming at Red not to touch her?? I’d actually thought they were depicting her as being touch-averse due to the trauma and/or overstimulation, and I was?!! Like, call me badly coping but I appreciate seeing characters not being comfortable or straight-up being aggressive about being touched, even for just a moment, because that is me 24/7. Then of course a few more seconds and it turns out it’s not actually that?? Liz is just repulsed by Red’s Bad Guyness again apparently?? Whenever I rewatch the ep I still choose to see it as overstimulation though because, well… my heart is clearly very talented at choosing comfort characters for me. 🥲🥲🥲)

So speaking from personal experience, coming out of a trauma (or revisiting an unresolved one) is so stressful that it’s only natural to react explosively—even to the extent of unfairness and unreasonableness—in an attempt to protect or heal yourself, whether that attempt be justified or not. And honestly, I could even make the argument that for Liz, her attempt was to some extent justified. Of course Red would never hurt her, but sometimes a person needs breathing space. Like, literally needs. Maybe for the sake of her mental stability/health, Liz should have had her first moments coming up from her trance to herself. Does that make sense?? IDK if I made any sense there; I just know that while I never could have gotten to the place I’m at now without the EVENTUAL professional and personal support I’ve been blessed with, I also can’t fathom how much more mental anguish I would have experienced if I’d had people who knew me (or like, the “closest person” in Liz’s case) see me in the immediate aftermath of my trauma. Just… The state I was in? Yikes, am I glad only I saw myself pull myself together; I’d have had so much more to worry about with others seeing me like that. That might just be me and totally inapplicable to Liz of course, so I digress!

I’m not saying Liz isn’t responsible for her words/actions simply because they happened while she was in utter emotional upheaval and under mental and physical duress—Red definitely did NOT deserve that treatment from her. He did NOTHING WRONG. But with that kind of complex angst comes the inevitably mixed but nonetheless potent reactions of fans, I completely understand that. Everyone has different experiences and thus different viewpoints, and that’s fine and totally healthy in my book. Still, something about that discussion struck a chord with me—you can (and should) hold someone accountable for the harm they do while mentally unstable, but it’s possible and also healthy to do that without, yourself, harboring anger or resentment against them, you know? I had to teach myself (and those around me) that, so I guess I just wanted to put it out there. Again, I don’t mean to start anything and I’m so, so sorry if I inadvertently have. I hope it’s okay that I came here to explain my thoughts (and so wordily too, ack I’m sorry), and if not, I won’t anymore. Thank you for hearing me out this time though, I really appreciate it. :)

Dear anon!! 🤗🥰❤️ Firstly, I want to thank you for your kindness & respect for other's opinions!! This ask was worded in the sweetest, most considerate way & I appreciate it very much!! There's absolutely no need to apologize for having your own opinion & perspective, especially when you share & explain it so nicely, so never fear!! 😊❤️ Moving on to the meat of your ask - which is in regards to this previous one - you make such a good point!! When you look at it that way, the Luther Braxton Post-Memory-Unearthing Screaming Explosion is perhaps Liz's most justifiable negative reaction in the series LOL I guess looking back from where we are now - knowing all about & being completely fed up with all of Liz's awful writing & characterization in the subsequent seasons - it's easy to dismiss her reaction in Luther Braxton as something unreasonable & irritating & unfair to Red (which, to some extent - as you graciously allow - it is). But - as you generously point out - while that's a valid way of looking at it, it's also definitely worth examining from another point of view!! And I think your point of view (in everything ofc, but particularly in this) is so valuable!! I can relate at least on some level... I have definitely snapped at people, even those trying to help me, verbally & otherwise, when I lost my temper & just needed some space!! In fact, I think that's a pretty universal stress reaction & it's not necessarily something to be super ashamed of (but definitely something to be aware of & work on - a good reminder for us all!!) & it's definitely not a stretch to imagine Liz was going through something similar after being effectively water-boarded & having her memories so unceremoniously rifled through!! And, after all, Liz has one thing we generally don't... a perfect, convenient, willing catalyst for all the negative things in her life: Red (however undeserving of that title he may be.)

(And re: sidenote of touch-averse!Liz - Omg, I definitely thought about that being their angle at first too!! While I don't usually default to reacting that way myself [kind of the opposite for me usually LOL] I know that plenty of people do & it's 1000% valid as a coping mechanism & honestly??? A touch-averse Liz would be one of the more realistic reactions she's ever had 😂😭 especially considering the circumstances!! And hey, no shame about gravitating towards that interpretation bc it's 1) less painful for you & 2) you like comfort characters bc you 👏 do 👏 you 👏 but also?? I can't say anything bc the reason that I like that interpretation??? I love the angst of an overwhelmed & touch-averse!Liz unintentionally shattering Red's heart by completely rejecting his well-meaning physical comfort anddddd I'm not sure what that says about me tbh 😂😂😂)

Long story short, anon, you made perfect sense here, not to worry!! You were so respectful & cognizant of others' feelings, thank you so much for that, it doesn't go unnoticed!! You bring such a good point to the discussion with your perspective & outlook & I'm so thankful you chose to contribute!! I loved reading your thoughts & don't worry at all about the length, I appreciate your thoroughness!! (Plus, we all know I'm hardly one to talk, I never use one word when twenty will do 😂) Please don't hesitate to come back to my inbox any time to discuss whatever you like, I always love a little bit of friendly TBL conversation, especially since the show as we know it is so abruptly & unexpectedly over 😭 Yes, still grappling with that, in case you were wondering 🥲 Anyway, thank you again for your lovely ask, anon, I appreciate you greatly, & much, much love to you, of course, my friend!! ❤️

[jasontoddiefor]

Idea for Tiny Emperor Luke AU: Luke is really tired when he goes to senate one day and just falls asleep and someone tucks a blanket around him and all the holonet reporters just have a giant freak out.

I wrote this in one sitting bc the idea of Luke just,,, being a tired kid? 10/10.

The young Emperor’s appearance in the Senate was still a sight that made people uncomfortable. Of course, whether it was due to the child dressed in the finest clothes to be found in the Empire or the small army of Stormtroopers following him was another question. Never mind that Vader wouldn’t move an inch from his son’s side. It had become quite apparent that Vader still didn’t particularly care about politics, but he clearly paid attention to every word said in his son’s presence, waiting for someone to speak treasonous poison and give him an excuse to get rid of them. Already, multiple sections of the Army had deserted, seeking to establish their own territories. Some smaller groups had even found their way to the Rebellion. It was clear that this equilibrium wouldn’t last, but no discussion had been held out in the open yet. Vader was still on Coruscant, the longest he had ever been since the Empire’s creation, and he didn’t look like he wanted to leave the planet. If they were to keep the Empire together, however, he’d soon need to move and remind everyone why it was better to stay with the Empire.

Bail was split on the decision. He wouldn’t risk treason, he couldn’t do that to Alderaan, but unlike many of his colleagues, he also wasn’t exactly in favor of the galaxy splitting up. There were reasons the Republic had been created in the first place, blood and war and slaughter to name a few. Perhaps they were able to set up a Republic space, but for how long would that last with crime running wild? No, Bail would rather align himself with an Empire reimaged. The speech the Emperor had given on his coronation day had been impressive and awoken hope. Bail shouldn’t doubt that someone different had written it for the child to memorize beforehand, and yet-

“Emperor Palpatine had promised us an age of glory and peace, and yet, I see a terror lingering in every corner of the galaxy.”

Luke Amidala had certainly left an impression.

Beyond that, he had shown up to the Senate more often in the past weeks than Palpatine had in the past decade. Dutifully, he had attended every larger session, taking notes on a small datapad one of his attendants carried for him, and recently he had taken to visiting the various committees. Bail himself had shown up early in the morning today and the young Emperor had arrived soon after. Since the morning, the Senate had been abuzz with hectic energy, nobody wanting to offend the Emperor. Truly, the Senate felt like a stage even more than it ever had before.

“Your Majesty, I am merely suggesting returning to the palace at this hour.”

“It is the last meeting, Fox. I’m staying.”

Surprised to hear the Emperor’s voice, Bail turned into the next hallway where his immigration committee was supposed to meet. The young boy was standing right in front of the door Bail was going to enter, surrounded by his guard platoon and his attendants, very obviously missing the Sith Lord usually at his side.

“Your Majesty,” Bail greeted with a bow, slowly approaching the group. “Good evening.”

It was best not to startle the platoon, especially when Vader wasn’t around.

“Senator Organa!” The youth returned the greeting cheerily. “I’m very glad to meet you. I’ve been wanting to attend your session today.”

Today was severely underestimating the late hour. Bail himself would prefer to be home now, having been up since morning. The Emperor as well didn’t appear to be as awake as he ought to be. He had bags under his eyes, exhaustion and stress likely getting to him. Bail knew even Leia with her sheer endless energy would be tired by now, cranky and wishing to go home.

“The meeting we’re about to hold now?” Bail inquired.

Luke’s two attendants looked quite unhappy at the idea, but the boy only smiled and nodded. “Yes, it is the last point on my itinerary for today.”

“Is Lord Vader to join us as well?”

The boy obviously tried to keep a neutral expression, but a hint of anxiety shown through. Bail forced himself not to just grab the boy that had been supposed to be his son as well and run away with him. It was hard to see whether Vader had done any harm to him, but in a moment like this, there was no telling whether Luke’s anxiety was because he wanted Vader to be here or was afraid of what would happen to him should he disapprove of any decisions the boy made in his absence.

“No,” Luke finally answered. “My father has some matters to discuss with the army.”

So perhaps Bail had been right and time had run out. Vader could certainly attempt to organize a strike while staying on Coruscant, but that would never be as effective as personally leading a battalion. Vader was notoriously a frontline fighter, earning himself the loyalty of the Troopers and those of the brass who hadn’t bought their way in.

“I’ll be honored to invite you to our session then, your Majesty,” Bail said.

Luke smiled in turn, almost shyly and Bail entered the room in front of them. The Immigration Committee was made up by Empire loyalists and Alliance members and the galaxy’s usually crooked criminals. Moving people around was a painful but lucrative business. Alderaan had seen many immigrants in the last years due to their more lax policies so keeping an overview of the galaxy’s general movements had been a good idea. Everyone in the room froze when Luke entered and consequently took a seat at the head of the table. They didn’t really let out a breath when the Trooper finally closed the door behind everyone else and Vader didn’t step inside as well, but they certainly relaxed a little.

“Senator Kavenah, you are the head of this committee,” the Emperor addressed the man to Bail’s right.

Illem Kavenah was thankfully somebody Bail could rely on. The other Senator was as obviously anti-imperial as you could be.

“Yes, your Majesty,” Kavenah replied and rose to his feet. “Shall I give you an overview of the responsibilities of this committee or have you informed yourself of such already?”

The Senator sitting across Kavenah, strict imperial loyalist, looked like he was gasping for breath. It was understandable. Kabenah’s words could be very easily misunderstood as an insult. Knowing the other man, there was actually a quite high possibility that he had meant his words to be understood as such. He’d probably also be bold enough to say them regardless of Vader’s presence.

“I have been unable to do so until now, Senator,” Luke replied, still in a good mood. The boy probably hadn’t even heard the biting undertone. “I’ve been attending…” The boy stopped, as if to count. “Seven different sessions today. It was all a little hectic. I’d be very thankful if you could give me an overview of your activities.”

If the boy had truly attended as many meetings as that, it was a wonder he was still standing on his two feet. Bail knew enough people who were exhausted after four sessions. Seven was an extraordinarily high number.

Kavenah studied the Emperor a moment longer, then slowly began talking in a manner the boy could keep up with while taking his notes. He only asked a few questions in the beginning, then, as the evening proceeded, grew more and more silent. After a while it became apparent how difficult it was for the boy to keep his eyes open. His posture, perfectly straight and upright at the beginning, was now falling into itself. Bail was not ashamed to admit he only paid a quarter of his attention to the actual discussion while the rest was focused on Luke.

He was so young.

Leia still had two baby teeth she was determined to have lost by the time Bail returned to Alderaan. For all that she could walk and talk and sit like a proper princess, her mother’s influence no doubt, Leia was still a child and Bail hoped she’d remain so a little while longer. The burdens Vader had willingly placed on Luke’s shoulders weighted too much for his small frame.

He was half hanging over his datapad as his eyes closed once more, only this time he didn’t open them again. The discussion forgotten, Bail watched at the young Emperor’s breathing evened out and he fell into a light sleep. It was already incredibly late, way past the bedtime for a child. The debate carried on but then, slowly, became less and less engaged as more and more participants noticed that their ruler had fallen asleep.

The Troops standing behind his chair as well as his two attendants looked rather clueless and unsure as what to do with the situation. Luke stayed relatively still, but every once in a while he shivered. Nobody dared to say anything or touch him to wake him up.

It was ridiculous.

They were all holding their breaths because their ten-year-old Emperor had fallen asleep on them after a long day and nobody knew what to do now while the kid.

Sighing, Bail pushed back his chair and stood up. He unclasped the cape from his shoulders and walked over to the group assembled behind the sleeping boy.

“You might want to make sure he doesn’t catch a cold,” he told the Trooper in charge and handed him the cape.

Bail got the impression that the man was staring blankly at him, then he accepted the cape and carefully draped it over Luke’s shoulders. Bail returned to his seat and, when he noticed everyone was staring at him, cleared his throat.

“I believe we were discussing the aid that should be given to refugees of planets with a lot of natural disasters happening regularly?”

After that the discussion picked up again and they were back to discussing the actual points they had come together to speak about. Bail’s attention was still partially on the sleeping child, but he wasn’t the only one. People at least didn’t look outright upset or annoyed at the distraction. Even Kavenah only appeared to be amused. The meeting proceeded and was only interrupted once more when they were only repeating everything that had already been said.

The door didn’t smack open, but the oppressive aura of the man entering certainly gave the impression. Vader’s attention immediately darted to Luke sleeping. He marched over to the boy and then, with a gentleness neither Bail nor anyone else in the room expected, he picked Luke up. He took Bail’s cape off his shoulders and in turn tugged his own around Luke’s frame.

The Emperor didn’t even wake up from the movement, he merely put his arms around Vader and continued sleeping.

“Meeting adjourned,” Vader ordered and left the room as quickly as possible without jostling his son, their entourage following them.

Now everyone was quick to pick up their belongings and leave the room as well, as if Vader’s presence still lingered in the room and they wanted to escape it. Bail took his time assembling what he had brought to the table and was one of the last to leave the room.

He picked his discarded cape up from the ground and folded it, then stuck it in his bag and made his way home.

X

When Bail woke up in the morning, the city was as busy as always. He took a few minutes to enjoy his caf in peace, then checked his messages. There were a lot of requests for interviews strangely, but Bail decided to look at them later as they were not so important now. After he had finished his caf, he decided to see what news he had missed during the night. They had been running very interesting stories lately. A few reports nobody would have dared to publish during Palpatine’s reign were now showing up.

The headlines he read today, the pictures displayed all over the holonet, were all about the same thing though.

“Oh, dear,” Bail muttered as he skimmed the articles.

Somebody had gotten access to the recordings of yesterday’s session. It happened regularly enough. The galaxy was a big place and there were enough determined slicers, but that they had found these particular recordings was troublesome.

Well, at least it would be easier to twist the images of an exhausted child fallen asleep into good PR than an old man giving the order for yet another genocide.

[ellemcu]

I don’t want to hurt you (bucky x reader)

Part 1 \\ Part 2 \\ Part 3

Part 4  A different HYDRA

Word count: 2382

Warnings: sexual assault,cursing, gruseom deaths:),semi naked,

ATTENTION: THIS COULD TRIGGER SOMEONE and for personal reasons I am not going to be writing it in full detail the delicate subject, if you wanna keep on reading though just not that bit imma put asterisks when it begins and ends, there is no problem, I understand completely.

You felt a hand being placed on your cheek, smudging away something liquidy that had dripped down your cheek. Before you could open your eyes, the warmth of the hand quickly vanished and a hard punch hit your cheekbone followed quickly by another punch only this time on your temple. Now you realized what that liquid was and you shot your eyes open.

At first everything was blurry, a strong light shining over you but after few seconds your eyesight got used to it and your eyes darted around for wherever the fuck you were. That’s when you noticed a tall man standing in front of you, wearing a military camouflage suit with a very irritating smirk on his face. He lowered his head, slowly reaching your level of hight since you were strapped on a chair ”Добро пожаловать, милая, или, лучше сказать, хладнокровный убийца, Гидре.(welcome sweetheart or should i say cold blooded murderer, to HYDRA)” he whispered in your ear. You shook your head and rattled your chains just to see if they were really firm and they just rattled. You shook your body until you stopped dead in your tracks. You swallowed, hard, and lifted your head slowly to look around the room you were in. 

You were not in a room. You were in the middle of a gigantic open space, surrounded by footbridges and staircases that led to thousands of cells, more like cages, but they were all empty. All of their prisoners, or soldiers were standing right infront of you. They were staring at your bloody and bruised body as if they were enjoying it, as if you were on display for them. You looked down and saw your pants had been ripped ( idk like now they’ve become shorts) and you were only in a sports bra, leaving your skinny but muscular body showing. 

You were not ashamed of your body(bc you are perfect and yes i'm talking to you, not Y/N in my story, YOU and you are just perfect just the way u are, please never change, please<3) but the thing that worried you the most was that you were completely covered in blood, some wasn’t even yours but most of it was yours and it was gushing out from deep cuts that were everywhere. Your whole body ached and breathing was becoming very hard. You looked back at the whole crowd that was standing in front of you, searching for someone you recognized. I mean you were at hydra. You scanned the crowd and then made eye contact with the all-in-black dude you had tried to kill, holding a cloth on his neck.”So I did hit him after all” you mumbled under your breath. 

You were tired of being at the center of attention and were starting to want some answers. The man wearing the camouflage suit was standing behind you, this was your chance so you turn your chair facing him and you kick his shin. He groans in pain and leans over his leg and you knock him out cold using your head against his. You stand up on the chair and sat back down with force causing the chair to break.

You did that so quickly that by the time you were standing up, ready to fight the whole crowd was still looking at you with wide eyes. You smirk and crack your neck, ready to bring down other guards(damn, your cool as fuck) You squint your eyes trying to see any guards coming your way and lock eyes with the soldier you had tried to kill. His eyes were full of worry but at the same time his expression was cold, you were lost in those steel blue eyes but before you knew it s man grabbed your arms. You immediately reacted and jumped backwards on top of his shoulders. You punched his face a few times until you cracked his neck and he fell to the floor. you jumped off him before he hit the ground and searched for any guns or knives you could use since they had taken everything away from you but unfortunately you found nothing.

In the meantime the crowd of people started running in all directions, seizing the opportunity to escape this damn place. You were still under their control so that thought didn’t come to your mind. From all the chaos you started running towards the man you had killed. You ran up to him and you both started throwing punches and kicks (idk imagine your fight scene however you want :)) until you jumped on his back and swung yourself backwards making you both fall down. He hit his head and you took this chance to get on top of him with both of your knees on his sides, holding his metal arm with one of your hands and the other one was gripping his throat, your grip tightening by the second. He was trying in every way to move but your position was holding him unbelievably still. He was knocked out cold for sure but that wasn’t enough for you. You wanted him dead. Just a little bit more and he would’ve died but someone elbowed harshly your neck, pain once again flooding everywhere.

It distracted you so your grasp loosened as the man took a long and loud breath. You were about to choke whoever dared stopping you but someone pulled your hair, dragging you away from the man laying on the floor. You quickly turned your body around making the person holding your hair release his grip. You punched him in the chin, knocking him out dead. You were surrounded but that wasn’t going to stop you ,hell no. You took down 6 soldiers quickly but then a dozen charged towards you, making you stumble on the ground. They were all punching and kicking you senseless until one of them stuck a syringe in your arm and injected something in you, making you dizzy. “Great, here we go again.” you sated, locking eye contact with the man you wanna kill so bad. His eyes were filled with fear and something else you couldn’t quite understand: Then it all went black, again.

**

You woke up with someone slapping you. Your eyes shot open as your reflexes kicked in and you shot your arm up only to be stopped by some leather straps. You groaned in annoyance and started looking around. You were in an oddly familiar room but it wasn’t quite the same. Then it hit you, you were surrounded by the same machines from your HYDRA. You breathing quickened until a man stepped in the room. ”Well soldier, it was about time you woke up.” he started. “You injured many of my most trained men, how did you do that?”he went on, your heart beating faster by the second. He started walking towards you and you spoke up,”(How long)сколько”. He snickered, “два месяца (two months)”. Fuck. He gotta be lying, you can’t have been out for 2 months, that's impossible but the way he looked at you told you otherwise. He was getting a bit too close though. ”запусти машины, я буду наслаждаться этим (start the machines, i'm gonna enjoy this).” he said with a calm expression which was not reassuring. A scientist pressed a big red button and electricity started running in your body again, only this time it was way stronger and blood was actually escaping your stained skin. You were shaking violently, screaming at the top of your lungs even though nobody could hear you. Your chest rising and lowering at an unimaginable pace. Just to add a bit of spice, some needles were injected in your muscles and shot something in your body making you numb but at the same time the pain became even more unbearable. The pain increased painfully slowly until it all came to a halt. The machines detached from your sensitive skin and you opened your eyes slowly, caching your breath. You were shacking uncontrollably and feared what the man was going to do to you next and just to your fucking luck the man was staing right infront of you with a grin on his face.

TW

*******************************************************************************************

As he stepped closer to you, you tried moving your arms but they were firmly strapped to your sides, he leaned over you and mumbled in your ear “Such a beautiful lady, with amazing skills, who wouldn’t fall for that?”he said tucking your hair back. “убирайся от меня (get the fuck away from me)” you warned him with an intimidating cold voice “ or I swear to god your gonna regret this, im gonna break every single bone in your body, watching you suffer and slowly rip your organs out of your body, painfully slow, starting from your eyes and ending with your heart all while you’re still alive.” you spoke up not liking one bit the position you found yourself in.

He grinned to the feistiness you had in you. He then started touching your body, in places you never wanted anyone to touch, though many already had. Tears were starting to develop in the brim of your eyes but you wouldn’t let them fall. Hell no, you wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of that. You had to stay strong, I mean it was soon all gonna end.

*******************************************************************************************

It all came to an end as he stopped and nodded towards the scientist. He got up and stared at you, mesmerized by your beauty. The maschines started whirring and the electricity ran through your veins once again. but this time after the stress your body had gone through you weren’t sure if you could take the pain much longer. You were trembling when after, god knows how many hours later some guards untied you and carried you to a small cell. Your body was exhausted and needed a break but you knew that you didn’t have much time before they came back for you in the morning. You crawled in a ball against the wall and concentrated on your breathing, it was very shaky and you could only take short breaths because of your neck and rib bruises, which were probably internal too. You obviously couldn’t sleep, not after all that you had done, it would all come back so you concentrated on the sounds that could be heard outside your cell.

After a few minutes you heard gunshots and screaming, someone’s here. You stood up as quickly as possible looking around yourself to find anything you could use to protect yourself with and to your luck you found an old and rusty crowbar, but that'll do just fine. You picked it up and placed both hands on it, ready to harm anyone that came too close to you. You heard footsteps coming closer to you and a man with an oddly familiar voice screaming stuff like “mercy”, “please”, “she’s in here” and someone started firing bullets to your door with a gun, after a bunch of shots someone kicked the door off its hinges. You squinted your eyes slightly, not used to the light that was coming in the cell. A tall blonde man entered your room, he had a shield in his right hand and a helmet on his head. You tightened your grip on the crowbar showing the man that you were not afraid to use it. He took a step forward which was confusing for you because he surely knew who you were but he still wasn’t showing any sign of being scared. ”Listen, Y/n I’m Steve, we’re gonna get out of here alright?” he asked with an oddly calm voice, offering his hand out: You didn’t know if to trust him or not, for all you knew people kept trying to torture you. Your brain didn’t trust this guy at all, but you had a feeling that he was surely gonna bring you somewhere better than this. You nodded slightly as you walked towards him, as soon as your hands touched you weren’t really sure if you made the right choice, never trusting anyone was the best way to go wasn’t it?

You feared your choice was the biggest mistake you've ever made. The man grabbed you and twisted you around, your body so weak you winced in pain, and he injected something in your neck.Your body started to feel numb, starting from your toes, up your legs, to the muscle of your neck, till your eyes. You fought to keep your eyes open, this was not happening again. You crouched on the ground and spun yourself in a circle with your leg straight, making the man,who called himself Steve, fall to the ground, you picked yourself up and punched him in the face, hard, making his face bleed.

All of a sudden you collapsed on the ground, an indescribable pain flooded in your chest and neck, it must have been the liquid he injected in you earlier. You were trembling and you couldn’t breathe. 

**********************************************

You sat on the floor with your fists on your chest, you weren’t gonna leave this place without a fight and you were not going to leave with some stranger. He stood up quickly and your eyelids started to feel heavy, he walked towards you as you lied down on the ground, shaking violently again. “What the fuck did you put in me?” you murmured with a menacing tone. You closed your eyes, not having enough energy to keep them open anymore and you slipped  in unconsciousness.

Part 5

I know, they inject lots of stuff lol. But i couldn’t think of a better way to do it. This is a long one to make up for the last one which was pretty short. I hope you like it ! If you wanna be tagged, just ask :) 

Elle

@vicmc624

[soulwillower]

narcissist  • bill denbrough

(bill denbrough x reader)

(title taken by the song narcissist by no rome)

requested:  hi i was wondering if you could do another fan-fiction of bill denbrough x reader and bill used to be friends with the reader until he became popular and started bulling the reader also the other losers are popular too so the reader has no other friends. when ever she comes home shes ussually crying or blaring music oh and her parents only care about there job then there daughter but you can do whatever you want from there

warning: swearing, mentions of shitty parents, mentions of bullying, lil angsty, fluffy ending, unedited and poorly written 

[losers + reader are 16+ in this.]

hi i may come back and edit this bc i think its choppy, also the user that requested this deactivated their account sometime since i last talked to them :( i hope they’re okay <33 this is for them!

2.2k words

♡

it was one of those days that really should have been fantastic. 

you woke up happy and not tired, you had the chance to actually make it to school on time and grab an apple on your way out the door, your parents even said good-bye to you as you left. and then today at lunch, you were eating on your own and you didn't quite feel as lonely - after that, nobody had come towards you and shoves your shoulder in the hall or knocked your books out of your grasp.

so yeah, it wasn't much but you take what you get, honestly.

and now you're walking home, headphones in your ears and drowning out the world around you as music blares at you from all sides, consuming your thoughts and creating a sense of security that you never found within the walls of your own home nor the halls of your school.

"y/l/n!" a voice barks, and you turn your head quickly, startled as you pull a headphone out of your ear. your stomach falls to your ass as you lock eyes with the only face you didn't want to see staring back at you.

bill denbrough.

he looks completely hazardous as he walks towards you, a teasing smirk on his lips. you already want to cry and he's not even opened his mouth yet - but you know when he does you'll loose the tiny shred of hope you had left for a good day, because he made your life a living hell.

well, you suppose it wasn't really just him, but he certainly didn't help whenever he would snicker at the words uttered by your peers, or the way his mouth seemed to tease you just as much as his eyes did.

and if your life was a silent film, bill had the means to force your world into an array of technicolor screams and and an endless, torturous laugh track that started with a joke at your expense and continued through your day until you ran into your indifferent parents as they stared at their laptop screens and barked work orders into their phones. everything you did, bill's domineering laugh haunted it.

and you know bill could take your silver screen tragedy and turn it into a major motion picture film starring you, the sad delinquent without a caring family and a disputably unappealing social life, and him - the star boy of the town, the dream boat, the handsome devil himself.

he could do that, but instead he just continues his ways, every day hurting your already smashed-out heart and stomping it into a messy pulp on the ground he floats upon.

although despite this, you know he wasn't ever really the one saying it. it doesn't matter, because he stands there and watches as you're berated and sometimes even cracks that brilliant smile of his at a real funny jest at your expense - and that was the most painful part of every day. because you used to be friends. you used to bring that same smile out all the time.

but in a much, much different way.

you and bill had a falling out so long ago that you barely remember what it was like to have him always by your side. all you can remember is feeling the complete opposite of how you now feel - you used to feel so powerful. but you'd gone and lashed out at bill after the stress of your absent parents, resulting in you doing some very terrible things that caused him to abandon you and find new friends.

"d-did you hear me?" he says with a lifted brow, staring down at you with a boldly irritated look. your throat feels dry and you shake your head, "leave me alone, bill." you squeak out, your legs starting to carry yourself faster down the sidewalk towards your neighborhood. but of course, there's that damn laugh again and his long legs carry him back to you effortlessly.

"i s-said, m-mrs. graham told me she lent you a copy of the s-scarlet letter. i need it."

you swivel your head to stare at him. "what." you say, completely unsure of the complete lack of animosity behind his words. is that why he's here? he needs something from you? you want to scream as you let your feet fall against the pavement, nearing closer and closer to your house.

"you r-really are a d-dumbass, aren't you? i said i n-need the book." he says like it's the most obvious thing in the world. what's he doing, walking with you right now, asking to borrow a book? he's not your friend, as he reminds you every day, so why is he suddenly trying to act like it? "well i don't have it." you say honestly, "it's in my room. get it from one of your friends." you utter, mind flashing to the faces of the losers who, really, were absolutely not considered losers by a popularity standpoint.

the losers were the life of every party, they were the 'cream of the crop,' they were the most popular kids in school. and as much as you hated to admit it, they were the reason that you weren't friends with bill anymore. you and him were the best of friends when you were younger; your moms had been friends for a long time and when they both had kids the same age, it was like a match made in heaven. so for the first fourteen years of your life, you and bill were close to the point that you somehow fell for him along the way.

which is why it hit even harder when you went to high school and the losers started to pull bill away from you unintentionally. and even the losers didn't mean to do it. other people loved bill because of his charismatic, gently leading nature. they loved him because he was handsome and funny and caring.

and they hated you, so bill had to start conforming to that stereotype. and now, almost four years later, you still flinch when you catch a glimpse of the losers in the hallway or when you meet a certain pair of green eyes.

"n-none of my friends have it, y/n. that's wh-why i'm asking y-you." he insists and you swear you're about to scream or cry. maybe both.

in the end, he follows you to your house and you dig out the scarlet letter.

"fine, i gave it to you, will you leave me alone?" you mumble as you turn to meet bill, who hasn't moved a muscle since grabbing the book. bill huffs beside you, a strange and unexpected silence falling over you as the air changes in the room.

his eyes are swimming over your empty walls and you're suddenly embarrassed because you have no photos of you with friends to hand up. and he can see that. "you ch-changed your r-room." he says next, rocking on his heels.

you're so nervous about what he's going to say that you almost stutter like him. "y-yeah, of course i have since middle school." you reason, looking around and noticing all the ways it's changed since he and you were friends. now the walls are a new color, posters of your favorite bands hanging up, covering the spots where photos of you and bill and even georgie used to hang proudly. you aren't sure where those photos are anymore, but you know they're not here. it still hurts too much to look at them.

"why? i liked it b-before." he says, sounding honest. your heart drops and you look up at him with furrowed eyebrows.

“you’re joking.” you say, arms crossed. he glares at you, the animosity obvious in his green eyes. “you know why i changed it all.” “what, y/n? i don’t know what you want from me.” he snaps and you nearly scream at the irony of his statement. “you’re a narcissistic dick, you know.” you mutter, crossing your arms. and you believe it, which makes it even worse to realize that you still love him, despite that. you sigh, sitting on your bed and dropping your face into your hands.

slowly, the mattress dips beside you and a warm body slides next to you. you look at him out of the corner of your eye suspiciously.

“y/n.” he whispers, but this time his voice is soft and you’re just confused. he looks at you, eyes flickering downwards a few times and confusing you. until he’s leaning forward and his eyes are closing and... oh god -

you jerk your head away from him like he's a hot pan and he opens his eyes and stares at you. you want to fucking sob. "bill, are you kidding?" you whispering, noting how broken you sound to yourself.

your mouth continues before your brain can filter it. "come on. i can put up with the incessant teasing, the rude remarks, the dirty looks. whatever. but if you're going to try and make fun of me in this way..." you trail off, afraid that if you keep going you'll actually cry. he looks lost and nervous.

"can you just leave?" you whisper, avoiding his eyes and picking at the hem of your sleeve.

"y-y/n, but-" he starts but you let out a half sob, "no, bill, this is not funny. this is really fucked up." you say, the words slicing through the air like a sizzling knife.

"its n-not a j-joke." he says quietly, but he stands up and scratches his neck. your eyes snap up to watch him with an apprehensive feeling of hope blossoming in your chest. as he turns to leave, you catch his wrist. he looks at you, cheeks red and a defeated look across his features. "what did you say?" you ask quietly. he just looks at you, as if he doesn't want to say it again.

and you can’t believe he won't willingly say it - because he’s that ashamed.

"you've made my life hell, bill. you can't just act like everything's changed because you tried kiss me just so you could make fun of me." you say, tired of his shit, "you're a terrible person for what you've done, especially if you know that i still have feelings-" you try to cut off your frustrated ramblings but it happens too late and you sigh. "leave." you say simply, dropping his wrist.

he kneels down instead, though, so he can try and meet your downward tilted eyes. "p-please, y/n. i'm s-sorry. i don't want to h-hurt you any-more." he whispers, tears welling in his eyes. you look at him, shocked to hear him sound so vulnerable. you realize you aren't sure when the last time was you heard him sound so sincere.

"i kn-know you can't f-forgive me. i don’t d-deserve that. b-but maybe, one d-day, you'll s-see that i feel r-really awful. a-and i need to make a ch-change." he's saying these words and it's like your world is clicking by one still frame at a time and you realize fleetingly that he's done it - bill denbrough has finally turned your life into a major motion picture.

"so... that-what was-" you stammer and bill shakes his head, leaning closer and gently placing his hand on your jaw. you don't flinch this time.

"i w-wanted to kiss you for r-real, b-because... because i've w-wondered what it would f-feel like for y-years." he says, staring into your eyes. “so i’m s-sorry to put you in th-that situation. i-it’s just a crush, y-you don’t have to w-worry.”

your heart starts flipping as you stare at him, lips parted in shock. "what?" you ask, feeling dumb because no way is this happening.

no way is bill denbrough, the boy who learned just how to make your bad days just a little worse, confessing that he's wanted to kiss you for a while. and no way are you admitting to yourself the same thing.

“i l-like you, i think. i w-want to know you a-again. i hate not talking to you e-every day.” he says, staring into your eyes. you smile lightly, resolve breaking and he beams, happier than you’ve ever seen him.

so yeah, it was one of those days that really should have been fantastic. and as you sigh a shaky breath and lean forward, bill closes the gap with a soft press of his lips to yours and you suddenly dont care what the day should have been, because you have a feeling that what's happening is going to change the course of the rest of your life.

his lips are a presence against yours; a force that knocks the wind out of your chest as his hand caresses your cheek and lightly licks your bottom lip. you’re putty in his hands, and you both know it.

you just have to trust him.

as you pull away, though, you take one look at him and realize that yes, he will wait for you because this is bill, and he will show you how much he cares.

"c-can i stay? p-please." he asks, looking insecure and making you smile softly. "yeah, bill, of course you can."

he smiles fully, pulling you into his chest before rising up to flop on your bread, star fishing and tugging you to lay with him. you laugh slightly, heart pounding just as hard as his own

"we have homework, bill." you state, knowing the boy despite all that you'd been through. he grumbles, nuzzling his nose into your shoulder with red cheeks. your stomach flutters with nerves and butterflies.

[angeltrapz]

SAW ASK!!!!!! 💞 n ee wayz as far as Eric/Adam goes i wld love to hear yr thoughts on how their relationship looks @ th very beginning when Eric still v v fresh in his recovery (obvs we’ve talked a lil abt this both but expandin on stuff), n also u mentioned Eric knowing how to bake (at least some things) n id LOVE to hear more abt that!! also for a general SAW polycule question, just bc it’s a dynamic i don’t think either of us have rlly touched on, thoughts on William + Mallick?

SAW ASK!!! (tysm!! <3)

okay so Eric/Adam:

I rly like th idea u had where they meet at one of Bobby’s groups (also throwing in tht I think abt Group Therapy All The Time) bc like. neither of them want to be there, neither of them rly have much in common w any other survivors, n neither of them can stand Bobby Dagen. so tht’s still like, th foundation fr how these 2 meet to me lol. the idea of them listening 2 him talk while rolling their eyes at each other n fake gagging is So Good.

I feel like Adam is just... rly open? w Eric? bc god does he understand how fucking hard it is 2 be around ppl after smth like that - maybe not to the same extent (though they DO have tht solidarity), but like. there’s only so many times u can hear “I’m so sorry tht happened/I can only imagine what u went thru” b4 yr ready 2 just tell ppl to shut the fuck up. so like, on Eric’s side of things, not getting tht frm Adam? not hearing the whole “I’m rly sorry u almost lost yr son and were locked up fr six months”? tht’s foreign territory ENTIRELY 2 him. sorry is all anyone has to say, even other survivors. Adam not saying sorry n instead being like “well I’m glad yr still around” is kind of what makes tht decision in Eric’s head like, yes, I think I want 2 get to know this dude. He Gets It.

n Adam is just patient too. letting Eric come 2 him, making sure he knows he’s there, tht sorta thing, bc regardless of how much he likes Adam, being around ppl again is not smth he can just jump into. it’s a wound tht is still raw n open n aching n he needs to treat it w care instead of rubbing salt in. n Eric half expects tht to turn Adam away, esp when he sometimes goes a day w no communication, but it doesn’t n he’s just sorta like ??? bc Eric never rly... saw some1 making tht kind of accommodation fr him, never expected some1 to understand it. tht’s another region I feel they’re very similar in - contact, sometimes, can b very very hard, even over text. if they don’t speak all day, tht’s okay - they send each other “i’m okay” texts n th other person responds w “good” n tht’s fine. Adam provides compromises when Eric never even knew tht was a possibility. it’s good.

things progress kinda slowly but not in a bad way. they’re just kind of getting used 2 each other - both of them have been alone fr so long, having some1 in their lives tht they give a shit abt n who gives a shit abt them is smth they’re both navigating. fr Eric, it’s being around some1 consistently after his trap. fr Adam, it’s actually having a friend who doesn’t make him feel like shit + having some1 he can definitively say is there. sometimes its easier 2 sit in comfortable silence than it is to force a convo neither of thm rly have the energy fr. sometimes just being in a room together is enough. tht’s smth they both notice - tht it’s like. they find it easy 2 be around each other. which is SO foreign to both of thm so they’re just kinda feelin it out?

n again like u’ve written b4, I also feel one of th turning points is when Eric calls Adam abt his hair + Adam shaves it fr him in his bathroom. tht’s th point where they’re both like “oh, I rly care abt this person.” bc it’s three in th fucking morning, Adam didn’t even have 2 pick up his phone or even answer when he saw it was Eric. but he did, bc he cares, bc he wants to help, n Adam’s just kinda freaking out internally too bc it’s been a looong time since he’s felt tht way abt some1 - he just wants Eric 2 be okay. n it’s then tht he’s kinda like, coming 2 terms w th fact that he truly cares abt someone who he can say without a doubt cares abt him too and it’s just like. oof. ESP when Eric sleeps over bc again, it’s early as fuck, and isn’t it so much easier 2 just have him stay? isn’t it easier fr Adam to make space fr Eric in his bed n home n heart? n Eric actually doesn’t tell Adam abt this later, but tht night he sleeps over after Adam shaves his hair? it’s th best he’s slept in fucking weeks.

I feel like after tht they’re a LOT more comfortable w each other - not tht they weren’t b4; I mean in th sense tht when they’re not doing too great, they’ll reach out 2 each other rather than bottling it up n dealing w it alone. Adam comes over w CDs he likes bc he can’t talk abt it but he doesn’t want 2 be by himself n they sit in Eric’s living room together in comfortable silence. sometimes Eric sings 2 him. they both find tht it helps. Eric becomes more accustomed 2 accepting help when he knows he needs it + Adam offers - dimming th lights n staying close by to keep him frm getting another migraine, having th TV on but w the sound down low enough tht it doesn’t feel like some1′s hitting him over th head w too-loud dialogue, getting things fr him on th days tht his nerve pain flares up n he’s mostly confined 2 his bed. they’re there fr each other. this is what friendship looks like fr them, two Jigsaw survivors who understand each other better than any1 else ever could.

another huge step fr them is like, th first time Adam offers 2 help w Eric’s rashes. I feel like, even as they grow closer, tht’s still not smth he’s vocal abt/comfortable showing often, something he’s ashamed of bc he feels like it’s gross n he doesn’t want 2 like. make Adam deal w that. but like during one of their sleepovers where Adam cuts his hair fr him n Eric’s got his shirt off he just. grabs the ointment he knows Eric keeps in th cabinet above the sink n while Eric’s still sitting w his back to him, he wordlessly begins tending 2 the rash spread along Eric’s shoulders n his neck n back, n Eric just. freezes. Adam doesn’t say anything, just does it fr him, n Eric kinda. Breaks Down a lil bit. like he just starts silently sobbing bc Adam doesn’t have 2 do this. he doesn’t have to help him w one of th things Eric hates most abt his own body. he could think it’s Gross. but he doesn’t think it’s gross n he doesn’t mind touching it and he’s so gentle when applying the ointment n then when he’s done he just kind of leans against Eric’s back bc He Knows. he reaches around front n grabs one of Eric’s hands n just sits there w him while he cries it out, holding his hand 2 say I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere, n that is MAJOR fr Eric. and honestly? tht’s kind of th first time he Rly becomes aware of “oh fuck I love him.” (Adam too, ngl)

basically, the way it starts is a shared experience, smth no one else can rly say they have, an understanding based on tht shared experience. giving each other space until they begin inviting each other in. care, patience, “I’m here.” re-learning th feeling of mutual concern. somewhere along th way, it turns into love, and somehow falling into tht is just as easy.

-

Eric + baking:

YES I love this hc!! this is smth he picked up during his time btwn jobs during th earlier stages of recovery (but After meeting Adam/connecting w Art) bc he needed smth to do n was just sorta like, “well I guess this works huh?” n like. it was def a learning curve bc Eric can cook, relatively well/at least okay, but baking is a entirely different matter. at frst he was kinda discouraged when things didn’t turn out th way he hoped they would, but w gentle guidance on Art’s side n enthusiastic encouragement frm Adam, he stuck w it n has gotten pretty good as a result!! his fave things 2 make r peanut butter cookies (he does a little design on th top w a fork n both Adam + Art r like Oh My God That’s Adorable) + th aforementioned carrot cake cupcakes!! frosting is usually homemade n it’s usually cream cheese! he makes his own frosting fr cakes n stuff too (Constantly has 2 tell Adam to “keep yr hands off of th frosting/batter/dough! we’re not gonna have any left!!!” even tho tht Doesn’t stop him).

he makes rly good banana bread too! tht one was a lil harder 2 learn but he’s honestly pretty proud of it now. it’s so funny bc Adam typically doesn’t like stuff like tht but if Eric made it? oh it’s Amazing. (he’s like tht w Art’s cooking too kjdfhjs partially bc he is a Disaster in th kitchen, but also bc That’s His BF/Best Friend!!!)

if some1 is feeling particularly shitty he takes requests (Adam usually wants brownies + Art is partial 2 peanut butter cookies but w chocolate chips too) n it’s just a nice lil thing he can do 2 help, which is smth he Always wants to do. he also stress bakes tho so sometimes his bfs have 2 just kinda like check in n make sure he’s doing okay. but! yeah baking is smth he enjoys + is relatively good at!!

-

William/Mallick dynamic:

yr right I haven’t thought abt this dynamic much but I Am Now!!!

I feel like at his core, William is def a caretaker. Mallick, 2 me, is someone who is just wholly unfamiliar w being cared for. so like, at the Very Least, they’re both dating Adam + Lawrence, right? they spend a lot of time around each other. plenty enough time fr William 2 pick up on this. it just kinda. makes his heart hurt, bc he sees the unease in Mallick’s eyes every time one of thm performs even th smallest acts of kindness fr him - not bc he doesn’t appreciate it/doesn’t want it, but because it’s more that he feels like he doesn’t deserve it. n William Sees That and is just like. I Need U To Know You’re Loved.

they’re comfortable w each other, of course they are! they’re friends, good friends, who happen 2 be dating th same people! who go to bed together at night n wake up w each other in th morning. it’s love, they know tht, but Mallick still always looks so surprised when William makes waffles fr him fr breakfast. William cares.

n Mallick can kinda feel it, and he’s not resistant 2 it, but he’s definitely on edge abt it a little. but William also just has this air abt him that Mallick finds it hard to stay keyed up in, so it doesn’t rly take long fr Mallick to at least be at peace w William’s attention. but the moment he starts to really fathom it is during one of those days he can’t get himself 2 relax n is just shaking out on the couch, knees drawn up to his chest n his arm wrapped around thm, just kinda staring down at th carpet n just Not having the energy to get himself out of his own head. Lawrence + Adam r at work n Eric is taking a quick nap so it’s just Mallick n William.

so Mallick is sitting there spiraling n his breaths r coming out a little fast n William just sits down beside him, a mug of warm tea tht he sets down on th coffee table fr a moment, n he just rests a hand on Mallick’s shoulder. doesn’t say anything, just sort of like. offers tht bridge, opens tht avenue. n Mallick is like This Close to just breaking entirely, but what rly does it is when William just swipes his thumb over his shoulder n squeezes. n Mallick rly DOES break down, almost ugly-sobbing and wheezing, n somehow he ends up w his face in William’s neck, pretty much curled into his side, n tht’s when it truly hits him how much William cares abt him too. tht there are Several People who hold tht kind of room fr him in their hearts n lives. William didn’t even have 2 say anything fr Mallick to understand that, to know it as truth. n tht’s like, one of th events tht actually leads Mallick to building up tht self-esteem, knowing that.

n after tht happens, Mallick is a little less reluctant abt accepting William’s (+ everyone else’s!) help, at least some of the time. like Mallick will catch himself digging his fingers a lil too harshly into th stump of his arm (I’m w u on 10 Pints resulting in at least a partial amputation - like what was tht little scar in 3D???) n then he’ll feel William’s hand cover his n gently curl around his palm 2 be like “I’m not gonna say anything, but I see you, it’s okay,” n his grip relaxes. Eric will notice he’s working himself up too much n he’ll reach out n take one of his hands while he’s pacing + laces their fingers together so tht Mallick has to pause a moment n then he’s able to breathe. Lawrence stumbles across him in th midst of a panic attack n Mallick finds himself breathing easier when Lawrence takes one of his hands, places it over his chest + his heart, n breathes w him. Adam holds him when he jolts awake frm a nightmare. lil things like tht.

one of their fave things to help them both de-stress is they’ll lay in bed n William will read out loud to Mallick, who has his head on his chest n is listening but doesn’t have to put too much energy into keeping up, bc it’s mostly abt being close + having smth to fill the silence tht neither of them feel particularly comfortable in anymore. sometimes Mallick falls asleep n it honestly makes William rly happy bc not only is Mallick relaxed enough to actually close his eyes, he also trusts William enough to fall asleep around him, trusts him during a time he’s at his most vulnerable. it’s not uncommon fr Lawrence to get home frm work to find th two of them curled up against th pillows, sometimes both asleep or just Mallick while William continues reading silently and brushes his fingers thru Mallick’s hair. Adam def has a pic of them like tht somewhere, hung up on th cork board Art had bought specifically fr those kinds of photos. it’s smth easy tht doesn’t really require much energy + has the added bonus of just being close to n held by someone u love n who loves u.

and they help each other. sometimes William has a rly hard time looking at himself, the days where his guilt sits heavy in his chest n doesn’t seem 2 want to anywhere, n Mallick will just sit w him outside on th porch swing and just Be There bc it’s like. “I’m here, I want to b here, Jigsaw was wrong, you are not a terrible person, u did what u could w what u had and I love you,” in a single action. I think William also struggles, like u’ve mentioned tht Eric does, w th guilt of what happened + feeling like it was his fault. so Mallick sitting w him, their shoulders brushing, fr William it’s like, if he was truly as awful a person as John seemed 2 think he was, wld Mallick be this close? wld Mallick willingly lay down beside him some nights n kiss him good morning? wld he kiss him again on th cheek after he makes a fresh pot of coffee + pancakes? n William knows tht Mallick wouldn’t keep himself so close if John was right, so it’s like. proof of tht. n tht means a lot to William. sometimes tht’s all he needs.

they don’t have 2 deal w their struggles alone. they’re both surrounded by ppl who love them n want to see them do well - it’s only natural they feel tht way abt each other, too.

[uwuyangin]

stray kids: comforting you on a hard day

☆ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: you’re having a hard day and they just want to comfort you.

☆ 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐫 + 𝐚/𝐧: my first reaction! hope you enjoy. slight suggestive content ahead. if you’re ever having a mentally or emotionally hard day, i hope you power through. fighting! :)

—

chan ;

chan would be so concerned omg like he would immediately go into worry mode where he wouldn’t leave you alone until you told him what was wrong. sometimes it can be overbearing and too much, but he tries to tone it down because he doesn’t want to overwhelm you either. he just cares so much.

chan would want to talk it out with you, rub your back, hold you, etc. if you needed someone to hear you out, he would be there one hundred percent and even offer really good advice on how to manage your stress. “i am sorry, baby. you don’t deserve to feel this way.”

if you wanted to be left alone, he would just lay there with you and hum peacefully. he knows some days can be harder than others.

chan would also make sure that you are taken care of, such as making sure you eat a good dinner and shower, wrap you in a blanket, and maybe even make some tea to calm you. 

he wouldn’t even think about anything else but you. he wish he could take away and discomfort or pain from you and put it in him.

minho ;

i can see minho being very confused why you look so energy drained when visiting him at the dorms. because y’all had planned to hang out that day and you didn’t want it to go to waste. 

he would make teasing jokes at first like, “yah, why are you so tired? are you dying?” but your lack of response would honestly concern him. 

so he’d cuddle you close and just hold you until you were ready to talk or open up about how you were mentally struggling that day. he would understand because everyone has those days.

i feel that minho would be the kind to lay with you and not speak for the rest of the night so you can rest with him. sometimes the best thing to do is not speak at all and you didn’t have the energy to keep up a conversation.

when you would start feeling better and begin being happy again, he would laugh and tease you again like, “you had me worried for a second there, ngl.”

changbin ;

changbin would be concerned but also a bit hesitant to approach you because he didn’t want to overwhelm you but he also didn’t know what exactly he should do.

like he would follow you into your bedroom and sit on the edge of the bed, gently stroking your legs in a comforting way while asking questions. such as: “did you have a hard day today?” or “you doing okay, baby?”

when he wouldn’t get a response he would slowly climb up in the bed beside you and rub your back, trying to relax your muscles. he wouldn’t really say much because it was obvious you didn’t want to talk.

after awhile, though, he would run his fingers through your hair and push it out of your face. “do you want me to get you anything? hm?” after shaking your head, he would nod and continue laying there with you.

honestly would fall asleep with you like that and wake up in the morning to see you feeling better. would even offer to get breakfast to start out the next day.

hyunjin ;

this dramatic boy istg he would see you and immediately rush to your side, asking if you were feeling sick because you looked so drained.

you would get kinda snarky at his questions and accidentally lash out at him to leave you alone. he would take it very much to heart and leave you alone for a bit because he didn’t want to push you any further. 

but you would eventually leave the bedroom with a guilty expression and head to the couch to rest against him, nuzzling in his neck. “i’m sorry, today was just one of the worst days of my life.” 

hyunjin would understand, though, and try to show you so much love because even though he was a bit hurt he knew that you didn’t mean it. hyunjin would also offer something like a couple’s shower/bath or even massage.

“no! i’m not trying to touch you, i just want to help you relax.” of course he wouldnt mind if things did get physical but mostly he just wanted to see you feel better

jisung ;

jisung would be a bit skeptic about approaching you as well. you would enter the dorms not in your usual, upbeat self and all the other members would be confused because they’d think he did something wrong.

he would then be extremely worried and engulfing you in his arms. “what made my baby so sad?”

jisung would sing to you, make stupid jokes, and even baby you to make sure you were taken care of. he wouldn’t stop until you were laughing or smiling.

if you were still in a slump, jisung would tone down his joking antics and silently comfort you. you were just exhausted and he should let you rest.

however once you begin cheering up, he’d be serious. “don’t hold back from letting me know if you need some time to yourself, okay? you shouldn’t be ashamed to need a day off.”

felix ;

he would instantly take notice of your difference in attitude and ask if you’re feeling ill. he’s never seen you look so tired bc you and felix were both crazy as hell.

he would furrow his eyebrows and step closer to you, placing his hands on your face to feel your cheeks. “well, you don’t feel warm. are you doing okay?”

your nod would be half-assed and felix could sense that you most likely had a rough day. opening up his arms, he’d smile sympathetically. “c’mere, baby.”

you’d just face plant in his chest and mumble about how stressed you were and how everyone was an asshole. i can see felix laughing at your bitterness and humming in agreement while leading you both to the couch to lay down.

“do you wanna play some games? or order take out? it’s on me this time.” he suggests and you simply shake your head yes, continuing to cling to his body.

seungmin ;

so at first, he wouldn’t even really notice how you weren’t acting like yourself. when you said you were going to lie down, he was okay with it and went back to what he was doing.

you would enter his room and see jeongin walking out only for him to ask you if you were okay. “yeah, just tired. wake me for dinner,” you joked.

seungmin would be having a conversation with chan and jisung while making dinner only for jeongin to come in. “i don’t think (y/n) is doing okay. she looked kinda down.”

this would concern seungmin and he’d find you in his bed, curled up and silently crying from frustration. he’d sit on the edge of the bed and sigh. “why are you crying, babe? did something happen?”

after explaining how horrible your day was, he’d nod and get in bed with you, hugging you tight and trying to ease your stress. he sang to you stupid nursery rhymes which ultimately made you laugh. he would then be able to coax you into eating dinner with the group and they all did their best to make you laugh as well.

jeongin ;

this baby boy would be so confused because you looked really mad and when you ignored him, he definitely thought he did something wrong. so he’d be so scared to even say hi to you.

after the other members had pushed him into his room to see you there on his bed, he’d stand nearest to the door in fear. silence would take over before he’d ask, “did i do something wrong, noona?”

you’d sigh heavily and face plant into the bed, trying to hide any tears. jeongin would then walk over and place himself in the bed beside you, curious as why you were so upset.

“because my life sucks!” you’d cry. it would then register that you were having a horrible day. he’d smile and try to cheer you up.

“innie, just hold me.” he’d be so flustered but agree nonetheless. the boy would cuddle you close and spoon you until you were sleeping peacefully. although he’d be upset you were having a hard day, he’d also be so glad he didn’t fck up.

let me know if you have any requests! :)

[icharchivist]

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my ask! 😊

Now... How much, out of 10, are you of each summer troupe member?

I hope you also find this a fun ask to answer!

ahah sure <3 thanks for sending them and well, indulging in my answers!

i do find it fun to answer it's just that i worry my justifications may be too much infos ahah

anyway for summer...

for the vague notes: Tenma: 1/10, Yuki: 4/10, Muku: 7/10 Misumi: 2/10, Kazunari: 8/10, Kumon: 3/10

under the cut for more justification (again which are infos about me so go in with caution)

if we don't see again under the cut, now i say, take care! :3c

(Links: Spring, Summer, Autumn , Winter ranking)

Tenma: 1/10. I don't. think i actually relate to Tenma all that much dKLJFDLFK I think all i can really relate to is that he loves his friends even if he doesn't really know how to show it at times. I adore him but i really don't know if i have anything in common with him DLKJFDKLF

Yuki: 4/10. Yuki's interesting to me because i was a lot like him when i was his age, actually, but i'm so different now that i can't say i relate to him as much, but i still see my younger self in him? When i was his age i was really rejected by my peers for a lot, lot of reasons, one of them being the way i decided to dress (though it was not like. the worst reason. i think?). Early teen i was a recluse but at 14, i developed thick skin and would snap back at people pretty easily, i would try to stand out proud about who i was, that doing stuff i enjoy is worth going through this sort of humiliation. There is a lot about Yuki's defense mechanisms, from his sass to the way he tries to keep people at armlength, that brings me back to middle school. He's healthily growing past that in a way i don't as much relate to (took different path and all) but it makes me happy to see him grow and feel safer. So it's a weird one to answer to ahah, when i was 14 i'd say i would have given him maybe a 7/10? but nowadays maybe just a 2/10 just because now i dress very cutesyly and always wear dress and stuff, or the fact i don't feel interested in being in romantic situation myself. i'll make it round at 4/10 for that.

Muku: 7/10 Oh, to be an anxious romantic with passions for lovestories and blaming yourself for everything you ever do because you MUST be doing something wrong. I feel that. I relate more with Muku now that i did when i was his age for instance ahah but yeah that'd be the gist of it. Also relating to his habit to get lost in his own fantasy world, in unrealistic scenarios, wanting to be something you can't realistically be. I do relate to how much he loves lovestories though (like i just mentioned tho i just. don't like the idea of being in one irl. so i really love stories much more about it where i can explore all of this in a safe way with no engagement ahah) But for various reasons (from his athletics to the confidence boost he can get) i can only give him that much point LDKJF

Misumi: 2/10 Misumi's complicated to discuss for me DKJFDFLK but as for what i relate about, some elements about his family life hit ways too close from home and i don't like thinking about it too hard, it's too real dLFKJDFLK. Other than that one of the major thing i can relate with for Misumi is the way he's genuinely taken aback when people say they care about him and his health because he's not used to his family doing that for him, and that he's been really lonely because he's been considered "weird". While not to the same extend though i do understand the happiness of seeing stuff you care about somewhere (though for me it may be plushies kjfdhdf) but really not to his extends

Kazunari: 8/10 oh yeah we're in it now he's one of the first chara i actually projected on hard (because i didn't think about whenever i related to spring charas before and he was before the slaps in the face). Anyway i too, am a massive people pleaser who don't really know how to voice my own opinions on stuff when it's not too important. I'm indecisive as hell when i don't have a strong opinion about something and i will generally just be trying to go with the flow. I've been trying to work on that those past few years and be a little more assertive, but so i can also relate to how Kazu tries to push himself out of this comfort zone in later plotpoints. As much as i think i'm more assertive now it's a constant work and it's not always linar. I don't like upsetting people, i'm extremely conflict avoidant, and i always feel like i have a responsibility to keep up a cheerful Face. I was a very quiet kid then a very quiet teen and i didn't have much friends then, until about high school, where i was finally in good surrounding at school and made a lot of friends, though i do keep my friends at a distance in general and wouldn't say i form. very deep relationships. so like him. though different reasons why. When i was in high school i was so much more loud and i faked a lot of confidence i didn't have and pretending to be always happy and unbothered by anything. It completely disappeared after high school though, i'm. so much more calm in general nowadays. anyway, turns out people always complain i'm very loud when i do talk especially if it's something i'm excited about (which is something i'm super insecure about when people points it out but LDKJFLDF ANYWAY). To that i'll just add too that i also pursued art school and art cursus but i stopped because [spoiler alert for why i relate to Kumon]. When Kazu ends up showing his enthusiasm about art it brings me back to back then tbh. Even though i don't do art anymore i'm really appreciative of that in general. Points off because of how social he can be or how he seeks getting into social situations like. Nope. Not for me. But i'm happy for him.

Kumon: 3/10 this kid is too energic he exhausts me just when i see him, so in general i have to keep the number low because. Kid. I can't keep up TwT. That said the two things i'd relate to with Kumon is, first, his geeky side in general which is very cute. A bit like Muku, in the way he lives in his own fantasies, though he's more ashamed than Muku to talk about it and i relate to that too bc i refuse to share what my fantasies are about DLKJFLDKFJ. Second, as i first hinted at, is that i had to give up a lot of what was important to me because of my deteriorating health, more specifically, illnesses related to stress that made themselves.... too dangerous for me to ignore. I gave up art school because a deadly skin sickness i had developed because of stress was eating my right hand (well not just there but it is the biggest problem) and by the end of my first year i couldn't hold a pen anymore. It was only one of the various illness i had manifesting from the stress, but i stubborningly tried to ignore the others and push through and it's just that this one was not ignorable anymore. It crushed my spirit ngl and it was even worse realizing i didn't manage to bounce back - i haven't drawn anything since, and i can't use my hand at my full capacity so i can't do other stuff to bounce back - and i'm stressed about getting stressed and triggering back all those illnesses and so i end up even more stressed and yeah. So when Kumon's fevers hit and it's explicit that it's due to his stress while still being very real and not something he can ease off just by "calming down", and that he can get stressed about his fevers triggering, and Juza talking about how he worries that if Kumon's sickness acts up it might break his spirit, it. hit very very close from home ahah. Tho despite the long entry i don't relate to anything else about Kumon, he's too energic, too athletic, has a good relationship with his family and all that jazz i can't relate to ahah. But yeah this one was. A Painful thing to have to face back dLKFJDF.

So yeah in general i can say that i don't relate as much to Summer as i can relate to for Spring or Winter. I see more of my younger years in them (to some details here and there) so there's also a much bigger distance with what i'd relate to them about.

but yeah that'd about sums it up o7

Take care :3c

[chanswavyhair]

i learned to love (pt.2) | seo changbin

a/n: i ended up writing this bc i felt too upsetti doing a sad ending JSHSJS sorry:’) anyways, i hope u enjoy uwu. stream streetlight folks!!

word count: 1.8k

genres: angst, fluff

part 1 | [m.list]

it’s been a long night. you sighed, lying in your bed. you were listening to red velvet’s i just on loop, while surfing the internet. suddenly, the idea of checking changbin’s sns crossed your mind, as it’s been days since you last checked. you tried to control yourself, but your fingers were already typing his usser.

to your surprise, you saw that he had produced another –probably amazing– song. you immediately clicked on the link, and closed your eyes as you listened carefully the lyrics.

“even a fool knows this, you’re the best thing I've got” wow, first verse and it already hit really hard. you tried to make a promise to yourself, and not to cry if it seemed like he already fell for someone else. even if it’s been three months now since you left.

“i should've hurried, it's too late to regret it now” to be honest, those three months were really significant. you finally got to understand yourself, what did you want to do, and even learned to love yourself more. but somehow, you still missed his love, no matter how hard you tried, you didn’t seem to get interested in anyone else.

“i should've let go of my foolish pride then, i’m only regretting now for missing out the chance” tears started to fall by then. as much as it hurt, you wanted to believe that maybe, just maybe, he would think about you as much as you did about him. well, he didn’t have a reason since it was you whobroke up with him and suddenly disappeared, but you couldn’t help but hope the lyrics were about you.

“how could I ever let you go?” that was exactly what you’ve been thinking for the last three months. yes, you did break up with him, but you still loved him as you’ve ever loved anyone. your relationship came to a dead point, and you had to put it out, even though you hated yourself because of it.

one more night, you cried silently until you’d fall asleep; regretting to ever let all of this happen.

for changbin, things were really, really weird. just like you, at first he thought that even if it was a shame, you two couldn’t have done anything about it. but eventually, he realized that he missed you so bad. he came to think that he got used to having you by his side, which made him start to take less care about your relationship. but he loved you, and he didn’t get why didn’t you let him have a chance to talk to you. well, to be honest, he didn’t try that much and tried to accept it at the beginning, but he was slowly going crazy. so he wrote a song, hoping you would listen it, and at least know, that he still loved you so, so much.

a month after on track came out, you still listened to it on daily basis, and most of the nights, you played it before you went to bed. it was kind of masochistic, reminding yourself everyday of changbin not wanting to let someone go. but you had a life, in which you would study to get your preschooler teacher title – as the high school teacher title wasn’t valid. and in the afternoon you worked at a small café. you were still young, so you didn’t worry about studying again a lot.

it was a quiet afternoon, not many people at the café, which meant you could study while it was empty. just half an hour before closing, the door was opened, probably the fourth or fith client in the last hour.

“welcome to streetlight café, how can i- oh” your eyes went wide open as you realized it was the seo changbin who stood in front of you. he seemed quite surprised as well.

“uh, if you’re not comfortable i can leave-” he said awkwardly. you immediately shook your head.

“please don’t-, i mean, i can keep it professional” what a liar, you thought. he nodded at your words.

“then, can i have a espresso without milk, please?” you nodded trying to ide your smile, because you still remembered his favorite coffee. while preparing it, you realized you haven’t felt your heart race like this in such a long time. as you finished, you took it to where he was sitting. he didn’t say anything but right when you were about to return to your place, he spoke.

“are you busy?” changbin asked. you were internally in chaos, but so he was.

“well... you’re the only here right now.” you said nervously. he made a motion, telling you to sit in front of him. you didn’t rush, not wanting to seem desperate.

“how have you been doing?” he asked, looking at his coffee as if moving the spoon again and again was the most interesting thing ever.

“to be honest... could’ve been better. i am studying to get the preschooler teacher title, and i’m living with a friend from my hometown who is studying here in seoul, too. i guess she was more fun before.” you joked a bit, before mumbling, “what about you?” you tried to avoid his eyes once you finished talking.

“i’m still living at the apartment. i’ve produced many songs, and even took up rapping, turns out i am pretty good. but things are weird, because everything’s right, but i’ve been feeling complicated for some time now.” he said. he made himself look at you, before causually saying, “i haven’t dated anyone since you left, by the way.” changbin hoped you either did.

“me neither, i’m really busy studying and working to meet new people. also, i didn’t feel like doing it.” you said. he didn’t say anything for the next minutes, he just drank his coffee, and you stared at him.

“i’m sorry i made you feel unloved.” he stated, once he finished the hot drink. he surprised himself, looking for your eyes.

“changbin... i think we both did. and it’s understandable because we were both so busy and stressed. i mean, it did hurt, but i could never blame it just on you for being unhappy.” you said, with your heart on your hands. he was clearly collecting his thoughts, until he left out a soft laugh.

“if you think about it, maybe fate wanted us to meet here, don’t you think? what i mean is... if it’s okay for you, we could try to be friends again... i miss you.” your heart fluttered at his words, but you didn’t let it show.

“i guess we can try to be friends again, but i don’t want to rush.” you said. nonetheless, your heart wanted to be home with him again, while your rational part just didn’t want to go through letting go of him again. you smiled softly, ignoring your thoughts. “i missed you too, changbin.”

since that evening at the café, you two officially came to terms with each other, and ineither of you spelt that night out of excitement. he kept his words, and didn’t make any moves on you, just let things flow. it was kinda painful for him, to see you eventually more often, but not being able to kiss you, or to hug you – unless you did it first or he really needed to.

months went by, and you two became really close again, and although it felt different – a good type of different – from when you two started dating, you couldn’t help but fall even harder for him, wondering why did you ever let go of him. when you two started talking, you thought it would help you get over him, but it obviously had the opposite effect.

for changbin, even if he said he was happy to be friends with you again, he eventually let his feelings become obvious. he knew you knew, but he didn’t really mind it, because you were too good to leave him hanging from a string, so you would tell him if you weren’t feeling something too. he just didn’t want to pressure you, even if he half jokingly reminded you from time to time that you could sleep at his (and formerly yours) place; but it just didn’t felt right for you – after all, you used to live there with him and you were already confused enough.

half a year had passed, when you found yourself in his couch, almost cuddling him, watching a boring program you weren’t even watching. it was getting late, you usually left his place by the time, but that night, it felt so wrong to do it. you’ve contained yourself way too many times, but that night you just didn’t want to. you wanted to let things flow, and whatever it should happen, it would.

“it’s getting late, do you want me to walk you home?” he offered, looking at you. you stared at him, wondering if you should tell him your thoughts.

“changbin.” you said, doubting a last time.

“hmm?” he looked at you lovingly, while his deep voice let you know that he would be there for you, whatever you had to say. you then became confident on your decision.

“can i sleep over? is that okay for you.” you said, and his eyes suddenly widened.

“wait, are you for real?” he asked.

“i wouldn’t joke about it.” you answered.

“but... you are aware of my feelings for you, aren’t you? i’m not sure if i... will be able to restrain myself if we spend the night together, y/n.” he said. he felt ashamed to speak up about his feelings, even if you already knew.

“changbin, i’m not a little girl anymore. i am very conscious of your feelings, so just... don’t. you don’t have to restrain yourself.” he looked at you, getting closer. was this finally happening?

“y/n, before i do... i need to let you know. i love a lot, i don’t think i’ve ever stopped. i hated myself when i lost you, and i stopped when i found you again. if i focus on any part of you, your hands, your lips, your legs... i remember what i was to feel them against my skin and want to feel them again. but more than that, i ask myself how can love them all. so, if you are sure about this, ask me to kiss you and i will, but if you’re not, don’t do this. because i don’t know if i’ll ever love again.” he said, centimeters from your face, holding it with his hands, while you were now holding his heart.

“i’m afraid to hurt you so bad again you don’t love again, but you know i’ve always been selfish, and i’m even more afraid of you not loving me anymore. it’s crazy, how i can keep falling for you again and again. we are too young to love like this, but i would never regret it, just don’t ever let me down. so if you are willing not to do it, please... kiss me, changbin.”