#but i think he has some complicated feelings on them too

[mononijikayu]

good old–fashioned lover boy — fushiguro megumi.

“Hey, Megumi?” you asked suddenly, your tone unusually serious. He sighed, bracing himself. “What?” “I like you.” His brain short-circuited. His hand jerked, and his ice cream wobbled dangerously on its cone. "Huh?"

GENRE: alternate universe - canon convergence;

WARNING/S: afab! reader, use of feminine pronouns, post-shinjuku showdown, post-hidden inventory arc, aged up fushiguro megumi, fluff, friends to lovers, romance, romantic relationship, pet names (babe, megs, kiddo, cactus, etc), humor, teasing, light-hearted, healthy relationship, being in love, slice of life, domestic life, living together, friendship, family, anxiety, self-doubt, encouragement, depictions of anxiety, depiction of healthy relationship, depiction of self-doubt, sorcerer! megumi, gojo! reader;

WORD COUNT: 7k words

NOTE: this went through so much adding, removing and editing cause i kept adding so much and i didn't want this to be something that was too long, considering i want people to not be impatient with me too,,,,,in any case, megumi beat his dad in the last poll season for valentines special which is funny but no worries, toji will appear in the 2.5k follower special!!! in any case, i hope you enjoy this, even a little bit. i love you all so much!!! <3

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if you want to, tip!

buono san valentino, 2025;

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HE NEVER THOUGHT HE WOULD EVER GET TO THIS POINT. Even when he was young, he wondered what love really looked like. At least of what he could remember of it, he knows. He wasn’t an expert on love, per se.

But he had seen and experienced so many versions of it, each one different from the last, all passing through his rather short life one after the other. 

Some of it was truly a memory that would be worth forgetting, too messy and too complicated, tangled up in unspoken words and distance, yet still undeniably present. Others felt like they belonged to live forever, with its genuine warmth and its eager simplicity, yet always just out of reach. 

When he thinks about both of them, it feels like sunlight slipping through his fingers, like a home he could see but never fully step into. It was hard to express these feelings sometimes, because at times he doesn’t know if any words can encapsulate such overabundance and its extremes. He thinks about it often, how love can take on so many forms. 

How it can be obnoxiously proud and boisterously loud,like Gojo Satoru’s laughter echoing through any room when they’re together, or dazzlingly silent and resiliently tender, like the way his sister Tsumiki used to squeeze his hand just to let him know she was there when his father left.

Love can look a lot like sacrifice, like choosing someone else over yourself. It was just that way to him when you love someone. It can be fleeting, burning bright and disappearing before you ever get the chance to hold onto it.

And just as much, love has many colors, many words, many textures. It can be the rough scrape of bandages being wrapped around bruised knuckles, or the soft hush of a whispered be careful. 

It can be the weight of someone's winter coat draped over his shoulders when he didn’t even realize he was cold. It can be the exhaustion in someone’s voice when they say I’ll be fine, don’t worry about me—even when they clearly aren’t, even when they want to say it out loud.

For a long time, Fushiguro Megumi thought love was something you had to earn. He always thought that it was something you had to be worthy of in order to gain. That if you weren’t good enough, strong enough, or needed enough, it would slip away, leaving nothing but empty space where it once existed.

For as long as he could remember, Megumi carried a gnawing doubt within him. He couldn’t help it. There was a certainty in his soul that love was something distant, always out of reach.

No matter how much he was reminded he mattered, that doubt lingered like a shadow at the edges of his heart. He didn’t know where it came from exactly, only that it had burrowed deep inside, whispering that he was undeserving.

At times, he wondered if love was something some people were simply never born to have. Maybe it was a gift reserved for those with a past worth cherishing or a future worth hoping for.

He had neither. He didn’t even know how he had come into this world or who he was meant to be. How could someone who didn’t know themselves be worthy of love?

But then in his doubt, came the truth and that was named you.

You who was like the meteorite that crashed on his Earth.

You who was the universe he found himself alive for the first time.

And suddenly, the thought of love, the very word, feels like something else entirely. The word somehow finally made sense. Something he doesn’t have to chase or fight for.

Something that stays. Something that holds his hand and meets him where he is, rather than waiting for him to catch up. And more than ever, his heart felt full of warmth in the spring of love.

Fushiguro Megumi never expected to find love’s truth, not like this. And certainly not with someone like you. The two of you were just too different, especially when you were children. He didn’t understand why Gojo Satoru thought that it would be a good idea for you both to meet. 

He was all quiet brooding and thoughtful stares, while you were a storm of energy and laughter, moving through life like gravity itself. Megumi could easily remember the first time Gojo Satoru introduced you both when you were children.

You were Gojo’s little niece, his only one and since he and Tsumiki were the only kids around your age, he thought it would be wise for you to meet them, especially Megumi.

But what was premonition on Gojo Satoru’s part was that the two were destined to be best friends. Though back then, he looked at him with a weird look that could only be akin to a cat’s soured frown.

What was Gojo about? Megumi couldn’t help thinking. And why does he keep talking about it with a grin on his face? I don’t even know the kid.

"You'll love her, Megumi!" Gojo grinned, ruffling his dark hair with an obnoxiously affectionate hand. "She's just like me—minus the blindingly handsome part."

Megumi scowled, swatting Gojo's hand away. "That sounds like a nightmare."

Gojo gasped dramatically, clutching his chest. "A nightmare? Me? You wound me, kid."

"Good." Megumi muttered.

Gojo chuckled, unfazed. "Seriously though, she's great. Full of energy, adventurous, charming—"

"Loud." Megumi deadpanned.

"You're not wrong, kid." Gojo admitted with a mischievous twinkle in his eye. "But that just means she’ll bring some excitement into your broody little life. Trust me, it'll be fun!"

"Your definition of fun is questionable." Megumi muttered.

Before he could come up with a decent excuse to escape this impending chaos, Gojo Satoru stops at one of the massive wooden buildings around the gardens. Fushiguro Megumi could not mentally prepare as you came barreling around the corner, waving enthusiastically towards the,.

"Uncle Satoru!" you shouted gleefully, sprinting toward them.

"There's my favorite niece!" Gojo grinned, catching you in a playful spin before setting you down. 

You giggled. “But I’m your only niece!”

“And that’s why you’re my favorite, sweets.” He ruffles your hair too, eliciting another giggle from you. "Hey, sweets, I came with a visitor. This is Megumi. He's about your age, and I'm officially declaring you two best friends starting now."

"Best friends?" you tilted your head, scrutinizing Megumi like he was some science experiment. "He looks grumpy, uncle Satoru."

Megumi crossed his arms, his expression flat. "And you look annoying."

Your face scrunched into an exaggerated pout. "And you look like a cactus."

Gojo, who had been sipping from a juice box like some oversized child, promptly choked and burst into uncontrollable laughter. "Oh, I love this already. Besties immediately!" he wheezed, wiping a tear from his eye. "You two are gonna be perfect together."

Megumi's brows furrowed. "What does that even mean?"

"Cactus vibes." you said confidently, tapping your chin. "Tall, spiky, and grumpy."

"I am not grumpy." he protested, though his tone only made your point stronger.

"And yet here we are, cactus!" you quipped with a cheeky grin.

Gojo cackled, slinging an arm around Megumi's shoulders. "You are kinda cactus-y, kid. But hey, she’s got the sunshine to balance you out. You might even grow a flower or something."

Megumi sighed in defeat. "I don’t need metaphors from you of all people."

"Don’t worry, cactus boy." you grinned, poking his arm. "I like a challenge."

"Great." Megumi muttered under his breath. "Now I’m stuck with a loud weirdo and a lunatic white haired old guy."

Gojo clapped his hands together triumphantly. "See? This is friendship in the making."

Megumi glared at both of you, but Gojo’s laughter and your bright smile made it hard to hold on to the scowl. Maybe Gojo wasn’t entirely wrong—though he wasn’t about to admit that anytime soon. Not just yet. He wasn’t one to give in just because there was space for it. 

Megumi sighed, already regretting every decision that had led him to this moment. "This is going to be a disaster."

"Disaster?" you grinned wickedly. "Sounds fun!"

Gojo clapped his hands together, beaming. "See? Told ya you'd love her."

Megumi grimaced. "I'm already doubting that."

From the start of you two starting to play together, you easily grated his nerves. He hated how loud you were, hated how you always seemed to find trouble at every turn, and somehow, at every sudden thought you had, you easily managed to drag him into it too.

And that was perhaps the most infuriating part: he hated how effortlessly you pulled him into your orbit. But the truth was, he never really hated you at all. He liked you, genuinely and deeply, in a way that bewildered him. He just didn’t understand it back then.

"Come on, Megumi! Don’t be boring!" you'd whine, tugging insistently on his arm as a mischievous glint sparked in your eyes. "Help me put these fart pillows on their chairs!"

Megumi stared at you, deadpan. "You're going to get us both in trouble."

You waved off his concern like it was a pesky fly. "Trouble? Nah. It'll be hilarious. Just picture it with a very vivid imagination. The Gojo elders, all serious and proper, sitting down to a pfft! symphony. Priceless!"

"I like being boring." he grumbled, firmly rooted in place even as his feet betrayed him by inching forward.

"No, you pretend to like being boring, Megs." you shot back confidently, dragging him along despite his weak protests. "Deep down, you’re just waiting for me to show you how fun life can be."

Megumi sighed heavily. "You have an overactive imagination."

"And you have underdeveloped prank skills." you retorted with a grin, tossing him one of the cushions. "Come on, you're already in this. May as well go all in."

He stared at the cushion in his hand, weighing the likelihood of Gojo elders delivering a stern lecture versus the small, treacherous part of him that was curious about their reactions.

"Fine." he muttered, resigning himself to chaos. "But if we get caught, this was your idea."

"Deal!" you grinned triumphantly. "Now, put that under the grumpiest elder's seat. It'll be poetic."

Megumi couldn't suppress the faint smirk tugging at the corner of his lips as he followed your lead. Chaos was inevitable, but with you, it was never boring—and maybe, just maybe, he didn’t mind that so much.

“You’re always scowling, do you notice?” you teased, nudging his shoulder. “But I’m pretty sure you don’t actually hate me, y'know.”

Megumi rolled his green-blue eyes. “That’s debatable.”

“Oh please, you’re basically glued to me at this point.”

“You glue yourself to me.” he countered, lips twitching despite himself.

“Admit it, Megs!" you grinned. "You like me.”

He sighed, long and exaggerated, like he was being asked to move a mountain rather than admit his feelings. "Maybe." he muttered under his breath, the word barely audible.

But it was enough for you. Your entire face lit up, your grin brighter than Gojo's sunglasses on a summer day. "Is that a maybe from Megumi? I'll take it!"

He groaned inwardly, already regretting his choice of words. 

But the warmth spreading through his chest betrayed him. 

Perhaps, the truth is that there was no maybe about it.

And over time, as the days blurred into years and you remained firmly by his side, continuing to drag him into your schemes when he came around the Gojo manor, making him laugh when he least expected it, and somehow softening his rough edges. He would have figured it out. There were more words for you than just like.

It hit him one afternoon during a clan gathering. The elders were droning on about something he wasn't paying attention to, but his green-blue orbs were somehow trained on you, standing across the garden path, animated as always. 

Then he showed up.

That stupid clan boy with a perfectly styled ponytail and a smug look that Megumi immediately decided he hated.

Megumi's eyes harshly narrowed as the boy leaned in, all charming confidence, and reached for your delicate hand. He watched as your fingers slid easily into the boy's, and something inside him snapped. Something he never expected to be inside him whatsoever.

"Nope." Megumi muttered under his breath, already stalking across the garden before he could think better of it.

You blinked in surprise as Fushiguro Megumi suddenly appeared beside you, his strong hand suddenly and possessively wrapping around your own hand, pulling it free from his new enemy, the Ponytail Boy's grip. 

"Hey, I was talking to her, you punk." Ponytail Boy protested.

"She's busy." Megumi said flatly, not even sparing the guy a glance.

"I am?" you blinked up at him, amused.

"Yeah. With me."

You bit back a laugh, warmth blooming in your chest as you squeezed his hand. "Well, when you put it like that..."

As Ponytail Boy slunk away, clearly outmatched by Megumi's sheer intensity, you grinned up at him. "Jealous much?"

"No." he said far too quickly, his ears turning an undeniable shade of pink.

You beamed. "Adorable."

"You're imagining things." he grumbled, but his grip on your hand remained firm.

And in that moment, without needing to say a word, you both knew: there was never a maybe. Not for him, not when it came to you.

Fast forward to Valentine’s Day, 2017.

This was a day that was already testing Fushiguro Megumi’s patience with all the pink balloons, heart-shaped everything, and couples everywhere. It was hard enough that he felt these possibly one–sided feelings for you. But now he had to be confronted with the idea of love once again. And he hated it. He hated it too much.

The only reason he’s bearing with all of it was that you had urged him to meet up because you wanted ice–cream. And for the first time in a long time, you were allowed to leave the confines of Gojo Manor, to visit your uncle in Tokyo. And by extension, hang out with him.

The two of you sat on a park bench, quietly enjoying your cones under the peak of the beam of the persistent sun. Well, he was trying to enjoy his, but you kept sneaking bites from him despite having your own. And he could not for the life of him stop taking glances at you with these eyes of his.

“Hey, Megumi?” you asked suddenly, your tone unusually serious.

He sighed, bracing himself. “What?”

“I like you.”

His brain short-circuited. His hand jerked, and his ice cream wobbled dangerously on its cone. "Huh?"

“I said.” you grinned, clearly enjoying his reaction, “I like you. Like like-like you.”

Megumi blinked, as though processing your words required advanced calculus. “Is this... is this because it’s Valentine’s Day? Like some weird theme confession? Is this some stupid prank from you?”

You laughed. “No, dummy. I just thought today was as good a day as any to tell you."

He stared at you, his heart doing some chaotic drum solo against his ribs. “Oh.”

“Oh?” you teased, leaning closer. “That’s it? Just oh?”

Megumi huffed, looking away as if the pigeons nearby were suddenly fascinating. “I... I guess I like you too.”

You gasped dramatically. “Oh my gosh, was that a confession? Did Megumi Fushiguro just confess his feelings, romantically?”

“Stop making it weird, you dummy.” he grumbled, ears turning bright red.

“Too late!” you beamed, nudging his arm. “We’re totally counting that as your confession. Mark it in the history books: Valentine’s Day, 2017, Megumi Fushiguro admitted he likes me!”

He groaned. “I should’ve dropped my ice cream and run when I had the chance.”

“But you didn’t.” you teased, bumping his shoulder.

“No." he muttered, hiding a small, reluctant smile. "I didn’t."

And so began Fushiguro Megumi’s unexpected, often confusing, and undeniably heartfelt adventure to understand love.

Love, as it turned out, wasn’t some abstract ideal or distant fairy tale — it was you, standing right in front of him, messy and beautiful in all your chaotic brilliance. Love was shaped by you, and to him, that made it the most perfect thing he could ever hope for.

But he had to be honest: it wasn’t easy. And it will never be easy.

He struggled with it more than he cared to admit. Love wasn’t just about keeping you safe, though his protective instincts always flared when you tripped into trouble. It wasn’t just quiet affection either, where he'd stand in the background making sure you had space to shine. Love wasn’t just comfort found in familiar silences, though he cherished those too.

No, love was new.

Love was terrifying.

Love demanded vulnerability and bravery in ways that battles never did. Because of this love, his heart would stutter when you smiled at him, catching him off guard like a punch he never saw coming.

It made his chest ache in a strange, bittersweet way when you were upset — as though he carried your burdens alongside his own. It made him want to try, even when his instincts told him to retreat into silence.It made him want to be someone worthy of that love, someone who would stay, despite the part of him that feared he never could.

It’s in the little things, the moments that are easy to overlook if you’re not paying close attention. But when you do, when you really see him, it’s impossible to miss the depth of his love. And you tell him each time, you adore it. Everything about it was perfect.

It’s the way he loves you in the quietest and yet loudest way all at once so beautifully. It’s in the way he waits for you after class, leaning casually against a wall, trying to look indifferent, but you know—you always know—he’s been there for much longer than he lets on. 

It’s the way he keeps track of your favorite snacks, the ones you forget to buy when you’re too busy with school, work, or whatever else life throws at you. And when you’re rushing out the door, he slips them into your bag with a quiet, almost invisible smile. No words, just a simple gesture of care that makes you feel like the most important person in the world.

It’s in the way he insists on walking on the side of the road closest to the street, always positioning himself between you and the traffic like it’s the most natural thing in the world. His hand brushes against yours, ever so lightly, but there’s a promise there—a silent vow of protection, of never letting anything bad happen to you if he can help it.

It’s in the way he takes off his uniform coat on a chilly evening when he visits you and presses it against your own body, his eternal warmth enveloping you like a shield against the winter cold. The way his hands linger just a little longer than necessary, his fingers grazing your skin in a way that speaks volumes about how much he cares.

And it’s not just in the little things. Sometimes, it’s in the quiet way he listens when you talk about everything that’s on your mind, even the things you think are too insignificant to mention.

You could ramble on for minutes, spilling out thoughts, worries, and stories, and he’ll just stand there, eyes blossoming with affection, his attention never wavering. 

He doesn’t interrupt, doesn’t offer unsolicited advice. He just listens to you. Just truly listens to you, as though he truly wants to understand you, to carry your thoughts for you if he can. To make sure that he holds your thoughts as closely as you do his.

It’s in the rare moments when he’s vulnerable, those quiet admissions that sneak out when he thinks you’re not paying attention. The way his gaze softens when he talks about his past, about how he’s learned to trust you.

It’s in the way his hand finds yours when you least expect it. Sometimes just a brush of fingers, other times a firm grip that says I’m here, no questions asked.

And there’s the way he tries to make you smile when he knows you’ve had a bad day. He doesn’t have to try hard, because you know the secret behind his subtle humor, his dry wit. Just a look from him can turn the world back to normal, like the simple fact that you’re together is enough to make everything right again.

And in those little moments, your heart beats faster—over and over again.

Somehow, each moment, each time was louder with love than the last.

It was easy to see how much he loved you and only you.

Of course, Fushiguro Megumi isn’t great with words, you know that much. He’s told you from the very beginning. But he’s never needed to say much, because he always shows you. Actions meant more to you.

So, he makes sure, without fail, to let you feel his devotion, every single time. Even when his words falter or he stumbles on his feelings, that doesn’t matter much to you. 

The way he loves you is almost a quiet rebellion against everything he's known about himself, about what he knows love, that was enough to turn the world upside down. Fushiguro Megumi’s never been the type to wear his heart on his sleeve and even with you, it causes him a lot of grief. 

Fushiguro Megumi adores you, much more than he could ever hope. And just as much, he feels like he fails at it. At least that’s how he feels about it. He thinks he just can’t help it.

He can’t help but feel like his actions are not enough, that his sleeve isn’t wearing your heart close to him. It’s like he’s falling short of being someone worthy of you, when you do so much for him.

Sometimes, it feels like no matter what he does, it isn’t enough. It frustrates him, gnaws at him late at night when he stares at the ceiling, wondering if he loves you enough, if he shows it enough.

Because you make it look so easy. You laugh when you’re happy, you say I love you so freely, and you never hesitate to pull him into a hug, or press a soft kiss to his cheek.

He wants to be more proactive, just like you. He wants to be as good as you when it comes to love. But he’s stiff. Awkward. Someone who is a little too rough around the edges, perhaps even more than that.

It’s not that he doesn’t love you, he does, so much it terrifies him. Yet he struggles with what words to use or would those words be enough.It had been years. 

"You know…." he grumbled, leaning against a wall and watching you laugh at something Maki said. "I wish I could just... I don’t know, tell her I love her. Like a normal person."

Nobara raised an eyebrow, hands on her hips. "Normal? Megumi, you are literally the least normal person I know, and that’s saying something."

"Hey!" Yuuji protested, nudging her. "You can’t say that about our bro. He’s a classic kind of weird."

Nobara ignored him. "So what’s the problem? You’ve been dating her for years now. I’m pretty sure you’re closer to marriage now. How have you not told her you love her yet?"

Megumi squirmed, tapping his foot awkwardly. "I don’t know. It’s just... I can’t make it sound right. I’m not... loud enough, you know?"

Yuuji snorted. "Bro, are you telling me you can't even shout ‘I love you’ in her face like a normal person?"

"Yuuji!" Nobara scolded, glaring at him. "This is Megumi we’re talking about. He’s more of a ‘grumble in the corner’ kind of guy. Or you know, ‘act it out like a mime if I can’t say it out loud’ sort of guy."

Megumi just groaned. "Exactly! I can’t just scream it! That’s...weird, right?"

Nobara crossed her arms. "You’re seriously telling me you can’t even try? I mean, look at her!" She pointed at you as you walked over, still in your own world. "She’s practically begging for you to shout it out loud!"

Megumi shot her a side-eye. "She is not begging for anything."

"I mean, I’m just saying, Megumi." Yuuji shrugged. "The guy who practically glows around his girlfriend could definitely manage a 'Hey, I love you!' without coming off as weird."

"I don’t glow." Megumi muttered, but he was starting to feel the heat creeping up his neck.

Nobara clapped him on the back. "Okay, look, here’s what you do: You. Take a deep breath. And then—" She paused, putting her hands together in a mock prayer. "You say it loud and proud: 'I love you! You're my sunshine! You’re the ketchup to my fries! The soy sauce to my sushi!' You get it?"

"That’s not what I’m trying to say at all." Megumi protested, now totally flustered.

"Come on, just let it out!" Yuuji grinned, his energy bouncing off the walls. "You love her, right? Then scream it from the top of your lungs!" He pulled out a random megaphone from his bag. "I’ll even provide the sound effects!"

"Yuuji, I swear to—"

"Just... just say it however you feel comfortable." Nobara interrupted with a knowing look. "But maybe—maybe—try something that doesn’t sound like you're reading from a self-help book, yeah?"

Megumi took a deep breath, hands still sweaty. "I don't even know if I can—"

"You totally can, I know you can!" Yuuji encouraged, giving him a thumbs-up. "Just say it, man! Use songs, do whatever. Just tell her out loud! Think about it like it's a movie moment! Gotta go big!”

Megumi had their words in his head all day and now it was simmering too long. He couldn’t help but look at you for a moment. You’re sitting beside him on the couch, leaning into his side as you scroll through your phone, checking what to buy for your mom’s birthday.

The sound of the television hums in the background, playing a show neither of you are really watching. The warmth of your presence should be comforting, but it only makes his heart heavier with the weight of everything he wants to say.

He steals a glance at you. The way your lips are slightly parted in concentration, the soft glow of the screen illuminating your features. And god, he loves you. He just does, too much, too overwhelmingly. But the words get stuck in his throat, trapped behind the walls he hasn’t quite learned how to break down.

Still, he tries.

You know he does.

That’s why you love him.

Your good–old fashioned lover boy.

“I, uh…” He clears his throat, shifting uncomfortably. “I—uh, you know I—”

You blink up at him, amused. “Are you having a stroke, babe?”

“No.” he grumbles, ears already turning red. “I’m trying to say something.”

“Oh?” You set your phone down, tilting your head. “Then say it.”

Megumi swallows, his body somehow tense. He can feel the words clogging his throat, his mind screaming at him to just get it over with. Megumi looks at you, nervously, his face red from it all. His fingers twitch at his sides.

You can see the way he shifts his weight like he’s debating whether this was a terrible idea. (It probably is, he thinks. Overwhelmingly, to be sure).

But still, for some reason—maybe insanity, maybe the way you’re looking at him so expectantly. Yet, he decides to go through with it anyway. If he bombs, you’ll laugh and that would be worth it too.

Clearing his throat, he mutters. “I can dim the lights and sing you songs full of sad things.”

You blink at him, your head tilting slightly. “Huh?”

He’s already regretting it, but at this point, he can’t just stop. His voice is a little lower now, more hesitant, but he continues, “We can do the tango just for two.”

Now you’re really confused. Your brows furrow, and he can see the gears turning in your head, trying to piece together what exactly he’s saying. But he keeps going, voice a little stiffer, a little more awkward than before. Almost instantly, he can feel the heat crawling up his neck.

“I can serenade and gently play on your heartstrings.”

And then finally—it clicks for you.

Your lips part slightly before curling into a slow, amused smile.

“Ah.” you hum, crossing your arms. “So Queen’s lyrics are your idea of romance poetry, babe?”

Megumi tenses like he’s been caught doing something unspeakably embarrassing, his entire face burning. “It’s not—” he starts, before cutting himself off with a frustrated sigh. “You know what, never mind.” 

He shakes his head, looking utterly done with himself, already gearing up to escape this moment entirely. But before he can retreat into his usual brooding silence, you reach out and take his hand, lacing your fingers through his. He freezes at the warmth of your touch, and when he looks back at you, you’re grinning, eyes twinkling with delight.

“No, no. I love it, babe.” you say, squeezing his hand. And then, with that playful glint in your eye, like when you were kids. It was the one that made his heart do something stupid. You continue. “I mean, I can also be your Valentino just for you.”

Megumi stares at you, utterly dumbfounded. For a second, he looks like he’s buffering, as if his brain is refusing to process what just happened. And then, finally, he groans, dragging a hand down his scarlet colored face. “I hate you.”

You burst into laughter, tugging him a little closer. “No, you don’t.”

And the worst part? You’re right. 

Because despite the sheer, soul-crushing embarrassment consuming him, despite everything in his being telling him he should never have attempted this in the first place, he doesn’t let go of your hand. No matter what, he had to hold your hand, even if he was using his other one to hide his red face.

Fushiguro Megumi exhales sharply, his fingers twitching in your grasp as if debating whether to pull away or hold on tighter. He settles for something in between—keeping his hand in yours but looking anywhere but at you, like that might save him from further humiliation. 

Spoiler: it doesn’t.

“You’re enjoying this way too much.” he mutters, his voice flat but laced with unmistakable exasperation.

You grin, squeezing his hand. “Oh, absolutely.”

Megumi groans, dropping his head back against the couch dramatically, like he’s hoping the universe will take pity on him and make this all go away. But the universe, as it often does when it comes to you, seems to have other plans.

Not only are you still holding onto him, your fingers intertwined so snugly. But you’re also swaying your linked hands gently, like you’re encouraging him to dance. He sighs deeply, a mixture of annoyance and amusement in his voice.

“You’re seriously not going to let this go, are you?”

“Nope, never.” you answer, grinning, your voice light and teasing. “Was the idea from Yuuji? Or was it Nobara?”

“How did you—”

You giggled. “Who else is going to make you do something like this and thinks it would work?”

He groans at you, shaking his head. “Look, I was desperate. And it just….”

“It did work, you know.” You say to him, flicking his hand with your fingers. A big smile on your face. “Your message was well received.”

“......Was it really?” He could feel his heart pounding hard against his chest.

You nodded happily. “It did. Though, I have to say…..I thought we were doing the tango just for two. Are you backing out now, Mr. Lover Boy?”

Megumi’s eyes snap open at your words, and he immediately narrows them at you, clearly ready to refuse. “We are not—”

But it’s too late.

In a swift motion, you’re already standing, tugging him up with you, not giving him a chance to protest. You can’t help but laugh at the way he stumbles slightly, thrown off balance for just a second before he catches himself, his eyes wide in a mix of surprise and disbelief.

“You’re unbelievable, you know that?” he mutters, a scowl pulling at his lips as he steadies himself, trying to hold onto what little pride he has left. His shoulders are tense, like he’s trying to act annoyed, but you can see the corner of his lips twitching as if he’s fighting back a reluctant smile.

You tilt your head, still grinning. “Yeah, well, someone’s gotta drag you out of your shell every now and then, right?”

Megumi huffs, looking at you like he’s been cornered, but there’s no real anger in his eyes. He’s already giving in, whether he likes it or not. His hands hover at his sides for a moment before one of them moves to hold yours more firmly, as if to say he’s not completely defeated yet.

“Fine, fine.” he grumbles, finally giving in, his voice soft but with a hint of warmth creeping through. “But don’t expect me to make this look good.”

You give him an exaggerated pout. “Aww, I have high hopes for you, babe. I think you’ll be a natural.”

He rolls his eyes, but there’s an undeniable softness in his gaze now. The usually guarded Fushiguro Megumi is slipping away, replaced by the version of him that’s willing to indulge you, even if it means he’ll probably trip over his own feet a few times.

“Yeah, right.” he mutters, but his hand tightens around yours, and just for a second, he lets go of his usual serious demeanor.

“And you’re blushing.” you point out smugly.

He immediately looks away, ears burning. “No, I’m not.”

You chuckle, stepping a little closer, resting your free hand lightly against his shoulder. “You are. But that’s okay.” you say, voice softening just enough to make his heart stutter. “It’s cute.”

Megumi grumbles something incoherent under his breath, but he doesn’t pull away. If anything, his grip on your hand tightens. For a moment, there’s just the two of you, just eager to be standing close to one another.

Your bodies sway slightly, wrapped up in something that feels light and easy and warm. It’s embarrassing, but somehow, it’s also nice. All too nice.

After a beat of silence, you tilt your head, a mischievous glint dancing in your eyes. “So… does this mean you’re more of a Somebody to Love kind of guy? Or just a Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy?” You pause for effect, smirking. “Are you gonna take me to a club, or to the Ritz?”

Megumi freezes for a second, caught off guard by your incessant teasing. The edges of his prominent cheeks quickly go a little pink to cherry red, and he looks at you like he’s trying to figure out how to answer without sounding completely ridiculous.

“I—I’m not, uh…” He stammers, waving his hand dismissively, clearly flustered. “I’m not a Queen fan, okay? I just—” He trails off, suddenly aware that he’s over-explaining. “I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

You snicker, leaning in just a little closer, your voice teasing but warm. “You sure about that, Megumi?”

“My name is babe.” His eyes dart around, like he’s hoping for an escape, but then his gaze flicks to you, and he slumps in defeat. “Also…. I don’t really know. You’re a Queen fan. But I’m not a Queen fan, alright?”

You raise an eyebrow. “Really?”

“Really.”

You cross your arms, squinting at him, pretending to analyze him like he’s some kind of puzzle. “Okay, then. So tell me, what about Weezer?”

He blinks, a confused frown pulling at his lips. “What? What does Weezer have to do with this?”

“Oh, nothing, nothing.” you tease. “Except the fact that you’re practically obsessed with their music. You do listen to Buddy Holly and Say It Ain’t So on repeat, right? I mean just Island in the Sun alone, babe…..”

Megumi’s face flushes an even deeper shade of red, and he clears his throat uncomfortably. “I—I like their music. That doesn’t mean…”

You’re grinning now, enjoying his discomfort. “That doesn’t mean what? That you don’t like romantic stuff?”

He opens his mouth to protest, but the words don’t come out. Instead, he just huffs, clearly trying to maintain some semblance of his cool demeanor. “Weezer’s not romantic.”

You raise your hand in mock surrender, your voice dripping with playful sarcasm. “Oh, sure, just a bunch of songs about heartbreak, longing, and that old-school, angsty vibe. Totally not romantic.”

“Shut up.” he mutters, looking away and crossing his arms in his typical brooding fashion. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“But I do, I do, Mr. Fushiguro Megumi.”

He looks at you again, frowning. “Why are you calling me by my name? Aren’t I babe?”

You can’t help but laugh, a light sound that makes him glance back at you, half-exasperated and half-amused. “I’m just saying, babe.” you continue, poking his chest with a finger. “If you love Weezer, you’re basically guaranteed to love romantic stuff too. You might not admit it, but it’s in there, just waiting to come out.”

He groans, dropping his face into his hands, embarrassed and defeated. “You’re impossible.”

“And you’re cute when you get all defensive.” you tease, giving him a gentle nudge. “Don’t worry, I’m not gonna force you to do some big romantic gesture… yet. But I can see it, babe. Deep down, I know you’ve got it in you.”

He sighs, not bothering to fight it anymore. “Whatever.”

You can’t help but grin, your heart light and warm from the back-and-forth. The teasing, the playfulness. This was just on brand. It feels like an easy rhythm between you two, like a dance he didn’t expect to enjoy but now can’t help but follow. You’ve gotten under his skin in the best way possible, and the connection is undeniable.

“No, seriously.” you say, your voice softening, letting the playfulness slip away just enough to let something deeper surface. “It’s okay, babe. Don’t worry about it. You’re just what you are. And I love that. You don’t have to hide that from me.”

Your boyfriend doesn’t say anything. For a moment, the world around you seems to still. The playful air between you two quiets for just a beat, and in that space, Megumi shifts slightly, as if he’s considering something deeper than just the teasing.

His gaze softens, and for the first time, there’s no defensiveness in it. It’s genuine. It’s a look that tells you he’s letting his guard down, just a little.

And then, for once, he doesn’t try to hide the small smile tugging at his lips. It’s subtle, almost shy, but it’s there. The kind of smile that says he’s not perfect, but he’s trying. And that, in itself, makes your heart swell. Your grin can’t help but grow wider. You’re winning.

“Besides, babe….” you add, your voice teasing but affectionate. “You’re romantic. You’re my lover boy, aren’t you?”

Megumi freezes, and the light in his blue-green orbs slowly shifts. There was a mix of disbelief and amusement, like he’s trying to process the words you just threw at him. His face flushes, and he rubs the back of his neck, clearly caught off guard.

“Fine.” He sighs, the word heavy with resignation. “Maybe… maybe I’m not totally immune to it. Being…being your lover boy.”

You raise your eyebrows, giving him a teasing glance. “Oh? So it’s true?”

“Only…” His voice drops slightly, like he’s about to admit something that feels too vulnerable for him. He shifts again, looking away from you, his lips pressing into a thin line.

“Hm?” You nudge him, your voice light, but there’s a warmth in it now, something that makes his heart stumble a little.

“Only because I really like—”

You raise a hand quickly, cutting him off with a playful wag of your finger. “Uh, uh. It’s the other word.”

Megumi’s eyes widen as the weight of what you mean hits him. He swallows hard, visibly embarrassed now. “Yeah, yeah. I… I love you.”

The words hang between you two for a moment, and your grin spreads wider, your heart fluttering with an almost childlike joy. “Much better, lover boy.” you say, your voice soft but full of satisfaction, like you’ve finally heard the thing you’ve been waiting to hear for so long. 

Megumi huffs, his face still pink, but his posture loosens just a bit. You can feel the tension in him fading, the part of him that has always held back just a little, a part that he didn’t know how to let go of, finally giving in to what he truly feels.

You chuckle, stepping closer and giving his hand a playful squeeze. “I knew it. Deep down, I knew you were a softie all along. A softie I love.”

Megumi grumbles, rolling his eyes dramatically, but there’s no real heat behind it. His cheeks are still a little flushed, and his lips twitch like he’s trying to hide a smile. His voice drops to something quieter, almost tender, as he mutters. “Shut up.”

You grin even wider, brushing your shoulder lightly against his. “Aww, look at that. I made you all shy.”

He groans, but there’s no force in it. He gives your hand a little squeeze back, his touch almost gentle, like he’s trying to hide just how much he’s enjoying this. You can see the corner of his mouth twitch upward, even if he’s pretending not to care.

“You’re impossible.” he mutters, but it sounds more like an affectionate confession than anything else.

You lean up, brushing a soft kiss to his cheek, your voice teasing. “Impossible, huh? I think you just like having me around.”

Megumi’s eyes widen for a second, and he quickly looks away, though you can see the faintest smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “Shut up.”

But the way his hand stays in yours says everything you need to know. You laugh, a soft, melodic sound that seems to melt the last of his resistance. There’s something about him, in this moment, that feels right. Like everything he’s been trying to hide is coming to the surface, and you’re the only one who gets to see it.

His bright eyes flicker to yours, a silent acknowledgment passing between you two. No more barriers, no more hesitation. Just you and him. And you realize, as you watch him trying so hard not to smile, that despite his grumbling, despite the layers of defensiveness he wraps himself in, maybe Megumi really is a romantic at heart. He loves you, after all.

══════════════════

epilogue 

The evening had settled in, soft golden light filtering through the windows, casting a warm glow over the kitchen. Fushiguro Megumi was standing over the stove.

There was a half-smile tugging at his lips as he stirred something in a pan, pretending to be nonchalant. You’d been chatting and laughing with him, but now you were distracted by the phone buzzing on the counter next to you.

“Hey, check my phone, will you? I think I missed a call while I was cooking dinner. Might be Maki–senpai.” he called, not even looking over his shoulder. His tone was casual, but you could sense a hint of something beneath the surface. Something that made you curious.

You reached for his phone, raising an eyebrow at the way he’d phrased it. Missed a call, huh? When you opened it, you found that the call had already disappeared, as if it was never even there. Strange, you thought, but didn’t give it too much thought—until a new notification popped up on his screen.

A notification from Spotify.

You clicked it without thinking, the app opening automatically. You froze, blinking at the screen in surprise. The very first thing that caught your eye was a playlist titled My GF’s Favorite Tunes.

Your heart skipped a beat as you scrolled through, realizing the entire playlist was a mix of Queen songs, Weezer hits, Taylor Swift, and a whole lot of other random songs that somehow seemed to perfectly fit your taste. You blinked, then let out a small, surprised laugh.

“What is this…?” You murmured, flipping through more of the tracks, utterly charmed by the odd yet thoughtful combination of songs. Some of the tracks were ones you had casually mentioned liking, others you never thought he'd remember.

You could feel Megumi standing behind you now, his footsteps quiet on the floor. “What’s up?” His voice had an almost imperceptible shift in it, but you didn’t look back at him right away.

“Oh, nothing, nothing.” you said, your grin spreading wider as you glanced over the playlist one more time, now thoroughly amused. “Just, you know… a little surprise.”

You gently set his phone down on the counter and turned toward him, your grin widening as you closed the distance. Megumi looked at you, confusion and a hint of nervousness flickering in his eyes. “What? What’s so funny?”

Without another word, you wrapped your arms around him in a sudden, tight embrace. Megumi froze, his body stiff in surprise. He stood there for a second, the silence between you two stretching, before he gently placed his hands on your back, his voice a little rough with a quiet, unexpected warmth. 

“What’s this for, hm?”

You pulled back just enough to smile up at him, your heart still beating with fondness. “For being the cutest, loving, prettiest, person I’ve ever met. And for making me a playlist that proves you’re secretly the most romantic person alive.”

Megumi blinked, his usual cool exterior cracking for a second as he flushed a little under the weight of your words. He looked away, muttering under his breath. “It’s… it’s just some songs. Nothing big at all—”

You laughed softly, pulling him closer again. “Well, you sure know how to make me smile, don’t you?”

His beautiful lips pressed into a tender smile reserved just for you. And for once, there was no argument. Just the quiet, comfortable warmth of being together, in each other’s arms. Nothing was more perfect than this moment right here, you were sure.

[rainbowsky]

Anonymous asked:

Big fan of your posts! What do you think of Huang Ziteng's [redacted]

Love to hear your thoughts!

Hi Anon. Thanks so much for your kind words, I am glad you're enjoying my blog! ☺️

I suppose you must be a bit surprised to see your name come up as anonymous, since your question was not submitted anonymously. It is because this particular ask put me in a bit of a dilemma and I decided to err on the side of caution. I don't want anyone getting offended by what I have to say about things like this.

The material in question

The content that you shared with me was indeed video footage of Huang Ziteng speaking on a livestream about GG and DD. I asked a dear friend who is fluent in Chinese to give me a rough overview since there was no translation, and this is what Shufu is saying:

They've been together for 6 years.

DD was the one who was more outward in the pursuit, but GG was expressing his love with his eyes, and it's impossible to say who was attracted first.

A bit of background about The Untamed, saying that an actor with the last name of Ma was already cast as Wei WuXian and only needed to sign the contract, but Ma was in a series that was popular at the time and decided he wanted more compensation. The production couldn't afford it, and switched to GG.

Turtles will have a lifetime of candies.

This video is also not new (based on other copies found online, it's at least as old as October of last year), and apparently this isn't the first time he's spoken fairly openly about them in a livestream.

My thoughts

I have somewhat mixed feelings about this, and I want to dig into a couple of issues because this really touches upon some of the core considerations of being a turtle.

1 ] Supporting closeted couples

GG and DD are closeted, at least when it comes to being in the public eye*. This isn't just because of their queerness, but it is also because they are celebrities and as such they're required to appear single.

*It is obvious they are out among their friends and close colleagues, but that is very different from being publicly out.

We need to consider audience expectations and the pressures of investors, brands and productions to be able to market stars on the perception of romantic availability. This is why stars in that industry tend to hide their relationships and even families and children.

As celebrities GG and DD are not able to be publicly out.

Being queer is undoubtedly also a complication. Even though many Chinese citizens are tolerant of homosexuality, especially the younger generation, many are only tolerant of it as long as it is not seen or discussed. It's highly likely coming out would result in a lot of backlash among audiences, even from people who aren't fans that dream of one day marrying them.

Chinese audiences can be absolutely savage towards anyone who takes up a certain type of public airspace. Anyone who sticks their head up too far for any reason stands a chance of having it chewed off.

That's quite apart from the political implications for them. The current government has had a very anti LGBTQ approach. GG and DD are not at liberty to be open about their sexual orientation if they want to be able to continue to enjoy a top spot in this heavily government-regulated industry, where they are frequently put in the position of being role models and ambassadors.

If they were to come out publicly about their relationship, or even just about being queer, it's very likely that a lot of queer people and queer allies would be inspired and emboldened by them.

While that might sound like a good thing to our Western ears, it's likely not so in the eyes of the government. This government treats LGBTQ people as potential political dissidents, which is why they crack down so much on opportunities for queer people to gather. Night clubs are shut down, queer organizations and agencies are shut down, Pride marches are no longer allowed.

The last thing they would want is for two of the top celebrities in the country to become poster boys for the queer rights movement. And this could easily happen whether GG and DD wanted it or not.

If they were seen as in any way leading or even just inspiring a politically subversive movement (as any movement that is critical of government policy is treated), it would not be good for them.

There is another, in some ways potentially more serious issue. This government has repeatedly characterized queer people as having a corrupting influence on youth. GG, and especially DD, are extremely popular among young people. If they were to come out about their relationship or about being queer, there is a possibility that in the eyes of the government they would instantly become 'corruptors of the youth', with all of the outcomes that one can imagine for such a corrupter.

In other words, it could be very unpleasant indeed.

Make no mistake about it, the government knows they are a couple. This government knows. But GG and DD are allowed to play the roles they play in the industry because they are useful to the government, because they are mouthpieces for political messaging, and because they keep a low profile with regard to their personal lives.

There's also the personal side to this.

As queer people, our identities and our personal lives frequently become a source of controversy and friction. Therefore our personal stories absolutely must be under our own control. We must always be the ones deciding how much about us is known, and who knows it.

All of this to say, this is not Huang Ziteng's story to tell, and as somebody who knows them personally and is publicly associated with them - having worked with them in the past - outing them like this to fans is extremely not okay. Unless he has their permission, he is seriously violating their privacy and potentially putting them at risk.

For this reason, I find it extremely difficult to imagine that GG in particular would have given him permission to speak openly about their relationship. He would have understood that it could make Huang Ziteng look bad, as there's no way for him to say or prove that he has their permission to discuss these things.

All other considerations aside, I just don't see GG being okay with that.

2 ] The issue of veracity

Turtles love Shufu. Of course we do. He gives us candy, and we all love candy. There are many turtles who starve and suffer without candy. Some of our favorite candies came directly from him. What's not to love?

The problem here is, there's absolutely no evidence or proof of anything that he says beyond what we already know as turtles. He isn't giving us any new evidence or proof of their relationship (and that's probably really good thing given what I just talked at length about above), and most crucially he has not given any fresh insight into them as a couple. Nothing that might show he really has an inside perspective on them.

There's absolutely nothing to say that he isn't simply parroting everything we say back to us, telling us what we want to hear.

For what purpose? Well, people can be a bit strange, especially when it comes to fame and attention and popularity. I've actually seen this with my own eyes IRL. Humans can behave in puzzling ways when in the proximity of people who are very famous and popular.

Personal opportunism aside, the world can be very cold and lonely, and people will often go to great lengths to feel special, to feel powerful and to feel loved.

I just finished talking about how much turtles tend to love Shufu. That alone is something that should give all of us pause when it comes to a situation like this. We are vulnerable to being taken advantage of by somebody in his position. We need to proceed with caution and understand the possibility that he could be just saying these things for his own purposes.

This actually happened with Cheng Yi. Remember she used to share a lot of cartoons and candies and other things related to GG and DD. It turns out that she tried to profit from impressionable c-turtles a while back, in ways that made them uncomfortable. We all need to be very careful who we trust. And I say this as someone who has a chronic problem with being too trusting and naive.

I am by no means saying that Huang Ziteng is lying, or that he is setting out to take advantage of turtles, I'm simply pointing out that we do not know where he's coming from or why he's doing what he's doing, and there are a lot of legitimate reasons to be concerned. We don't even know what his current relationship with them is, or if he actually has any recent information about them.

So I know a lot of turtles are going to be extremely excited about the idea that someone who knows them personally is openly confirming their relationship. However, I would urge caution on this.

The way I see it there are three possibilities:

He is directly aware of their relationship, and was sharing this information with their permission. Of course anything is possible, but given all of the issues I just discussed above, I find it highly, highly unlikely. They already have the fake rumor house and their own social media accounts and various other ways of feeding us. I find it unlikely that they would authorize friends and colleagues to out them publicly.

He is saying all of this without their permission, and doing so for his own reasons, whether that be emotional validation or personal gain or some other purpose. Unfortunately we have to accept that this is a very real possibility.

He is a turtle himself, whether he has direct knowledge about their relationship or not, and is excited to talk about them with other turtles, and everything he is saying is just the ramblings of any turtle - without any actual validation, just like any other turtle.

Which of these possibilities am I leaning toward? For now I'm sitting somewhere between option two and option three - much more leaning to two. I'm going to reserve judgment for now, but I'm starting to look a little bit more carefully at past candies from him and thinking they might need to be reevaluated.

In other words, I'm starting to have doubts about him and his motives, although I am keeping an open mind. I will need more information before I can really make a decision on where I stand.

I would like to conclude by saying to everyone - don't be cynical, don't view everyone as a grifter or an opportunist, but also don't be naive and gullible. Things are rarely what we assume, whether we are assuming well or ill.

The truth usually falls somewhere between, in the grey area between the extremes.

Maybe one day we will get the answers to some of these questions, but for now we really don't have much information to go on. It's up to each turtle to chart their own path, I just hope we will all exercise critical thinking and discernment.

Final thoughts

Someone like this coming along and saying a bunch of stuff does not change a single thing for me as a turtle. I have no way of knowing whether he is speaking based on his own personal experience and close relationship with them, or whether he is speaking as a turtle who has been at some remove from them since filming.

I long ago stopped needing any validation of GG and DD's relationship. I trust my own judgment, so this kind of confirmation isn't really something I seek out or feel any kind of way about at all. I already believe BJYXSZD.

I feel like that insulates me somewhat from being swept away by something like this, and makes it possible for me to look at it with a skeptical eye.

If we analyze what he's saying, he sounds like somebody who has been watching the BTS. This is exactly the sort of thing I've seen many turtles say over the years. And if you examine his statements, for example, "It's impossible to say who was attracted first," a comment like that makes my spidey senses tingle.

If he was close enough to them to know the details of their relationship, and especially if he was close enough to be given permission to share those details, surely he would have some insight into such things, or at least some personal flourish to add.

So for reasons I already stated, I'm not able to take this at face value and just trust he is acting in good faith and out of complete honesty as someone who is in their close inner circle. If anything this throws everything he's previously shared into doubt for me, and makes me wary of his motives.

Like I said, every turtle has to chart their own path, and develop our own perspectives based on the available information.

It's not like we have to decide one way or the other, either. It's always an interesting thought exercise to explore a variety of different perspectives and possibilities, and keep our minds open. Since we are unlikely to ever get confirmation one way or the other, there's no point in jumping to conclusions.

In any case, I will be keeping my eye on him.

My friend said the most interesting thing about this livestream is what he says about GG and the role of WWX. I have to agree. Production talked during promo about GG being first choice for WWX, so this statement from Huang Ziteng is very interesting (and likely impossible to verify).

Standard disclaimer: this is my personal opinion based on my own experience and perspective. There may be people who will disagree with what I have to say and that is their right, but I won't tolerate any hostility. We can agree or disagree on friendly terms. Anyone who is unable to be friendly and civil in their disagreement is asked not to respond to this post.

[yuzu-kiku]

This is a really interesting take, I can definitely see how a lot of Fulgrim's arc have some overlap with the feelings that queer people go through in accepting themselves (I've gone through it, too). There are some things, however, that I would like to point out.

You mentioned that you are looking at the general narrative arc that shapes Fulgrim's story without considering the in-universe specifics. But in doing this, there comes a lot of misunderstandings and misinterpretations in your analysis of his actions and way of thinking. There's some points where the story has to bend and stretch in order to fit the queer-coded narrative.

For example- I agree with your analogy of Fulgrim's experience with the Laer blade. He didn't need to pick it up, but he did give into his temptations. And through the Laer blade's impact on his mind, he did encounter a sort of liberation, where he acts according to his own will without consideration to what is wrong or right.

But I disagree with your analysis on the nature of his tragedy, particularly with Ferrus Manus. This is where looking at Fulgrim's arc in a general sense, particularly if we're looking at it through a queer-coded lens, mischaracterises both Ferrus Manus and Fulgrim himself. More under the cut, because I, too, cannot stop yapping.

(Before I cut, I do want to emphasise that I don't think you're wrong, I definitely agree with some points. I'm just a huge fan of Fulgrim and the complicated nature of his tragedy.)

Fulgrim's Nature

To start off, I want to talk about Fulgrim's perfectionism. It's important to understand that Fulgrim was not always a perfectionist. This mentality came from after his discovery, when he was introduced to his sons for the first time and learning that his legion was in a bad state, with barely 200 members, as compared to every other legion who numbered thousands, even tens of thousands. He needed to pick them up and rebuild them into a Legion that would not look weak compared to the others.

And I want to emphasise in particular, not looking weak. Yes, there was a lot of pressure on him as the Emperor had a lot of expectations for his sons. But his main driving force has always been pride. It is from pride that he drilled perfectionism into both himself and his sons. After all, for centuries, he had to be babysitted by another Legion because they just didn't have the manpower to undertake a crusade of their own. For someone as proud as him, a person who singlehandedly developed his home planet from a mining world to a civilised and cultured society, that had to be a huge blow. He was desperate to prove to everyone that his was not a legion that needed to be coddled all the time; this much is evident in his book, the Palatine Phoenix, where he admits that his desire to prove himself had led him to make many mistakes.

You are definitely right when you say his frustrations were self-imposed; he set the bar high for both him and his sons, and even after they succeeded and became a legion that was well-respected (albeit kind of mocked for their arrogance). He even made perfection the motto for his own legion.

But I don't think he was ever resentful about the strive for perfection in itself, because it is in his nature to do anything to be the best. And when he put that same expectation on his sons, it wasn't out of a desire to break them; it was because he cared for them. He wanted to lift them up to the best version of themselves, just like how he raised his home planet from a mining world, to a civilised, culturally rich society. Pre-Heresy Fulgrim was, honestly, a great guy who advocated for raising the masses.

(In addition, throughout my read of Fulgrim, I've not come across a part where he begins to doubt his own abilities- only his thoughts and actions through the Laer Blade's influence.)

The Laer Blade

It's a common misconception that the Laer Blade controlled Fulgrim, and it's not entirely wrong. But in the books, we can see that rather than controlling him, per se, the Laer Blade more manipulated him. Every action Fulgrim was tempted to do and every thought he had was his own. All the Laer Blade had to do was give him a little push, to lessen his inhibitions and make him act on them.

To give an example: Fulgrim was pretty pissed off at Ferrus Manus when he acted on his own. He considered it a blatant lack of disrespect, because it threw off their plans. It was the Laer Blade who actually put the thought in his head, quote, "the plan had been perfect and Ferrus was ruining everything".

And it's not as if Fulgrim didn't have those thoughts. But without the Laer Blade's influence, he would have been able to shove that negativity away, because he loved Ferrus, and in the end understood that yeah, maybe he should have suspected that his brother's rage would make him do this.

Rereading the book, actually, Fulgrim even knew that the Laer Blade's voice was dragging out a venom from his subconsciousness, and accepted it. To quote the book Fulgrim:

"Ever since the victory on Laeran, Fulgrim's thoughts had turned inwards to claw the furthest depth of his consciousness, dragging out an acid resentment he had not known existed. [...] At last he had come to accept that the voice was in fact a manifestation of his subconscious, a facet of his own mindscape that articulated the things he could not, and stripped away deceits the conscious mind created to protect it from the barriers society placed on it. How many others could lay claim to such an honest councellor as their own mind?"

(That last sentence is interesting, because that's certainly something that a person who thinks highly of himself would say.)

This is part is where looking at his actions through the lens of accepting yourself in a queer perspective starts to get wobbly. Fulgrim is prideful, and he sees the strive for perfection to be just another part of bettering himself and his legion. It's true that he had his frustrations, but that was far back in the past, during the time where he was proving himself as a competent legion capable of standing by itself (which the book the Palatine Phoenix is about).

However, after the Great Crusade and in the beginning of the Horus Heresy timeline, we can see that his frustration doesn't come from within himself; it comes from people directly challenging him, as seen above with Ferrus. In fact- I would argue that here, his pride has turned to arrogance, as he sees himself as perfect and always in the right. He still blamed Ferrus, even without the influence of the Laer Blade.

In other words, by this point, he is no longer unhappy with himself, and has fully accepted himself to be the definition of perfection. I would even go so far as to say he never cared about how society saw him. Why? Because on his ship, he is the Primarch. The definition of perfect. He couldn't have deviated from the rules of society, because he's the one who wrote those rules in the first place. And if any other Primarch disagreed? Well, this is his ship, not theirs. Not even the Emperor could dictate how he treated his sons, unless it actively affected their crusade.

Ferrus Manus

This part is where you might have stretched your analogy a bit too hard. I assume that using the term 'deviant', you mean to say how Fulgrim has come to accept himself and accept that he does not conform to Imperium standards (or 'normalcy').

This is not at all how his and Ferrus Manus' relationship began, or developed into.

Firstly- Imperium standards are simply the law by which citizens have to comply with. Praise the emperor, don't commit heresy, and you will be fine. Ironically, the Imperium really doesn't seem to care a lot about a person's character, whether it be personality or sexuality; that's up to the laws and cultures that you were born with in your own home world. And, as we know, all the Primarchs are long detached from their home world. Not even Imperium society could influence them, as they never even grew up there.

All this to say- 'normalcy' and 'deviant' is equal to 'loyalist' and 'traitor' in this world. It has absolutely nothing to do with a person's character.

In the context of your post, you use these terms to make an analogy for being rejected because a person is queer- but it's impossible to make a direct comparison with Ferrus and Fulgrim, not just because those 'normalcy' and 'deviation' in the context of Imperium society does not apply to them, but because they had always respected each other's character, no matter their flaws. They were one of the closest pairs of siblings out of their brothers. The only reason why Ferrus starts to reject Fulgrim is in fact, because he knew his brother that well.

Fulgrim was changing to be more venomous, more petty, more angry at everyone when things didn't go his way. Yeah, his brother's pride could be a bit too easily wounded sometimes, but Fulgrim was never a bad person. In fact, he was all for raising the masses, educating them and improving society- that's exactly what he did on Chemos. How could he accept what Fulgrim was becoming?

This is where the characterisation of Fulgrim and Ferrus Manus in your post becomes inaccurate. I understand that you were talking about the concept of one rejecting the other, but there is no direct comparison that can be made without mischaracterising the both of them.

And to say Ferrus would rather see his brother dead is completely wrong. He never said anything about wanting Fulgrim dead- he only broke their bonds after seeing what Fulgrim turned into.

The Tragedy

In your post, you made the implication that Fulgrim's transformation into the Daemon prince, shedding his old self, was a positive thing. In the context of a generalised, queer-coded narrative arc completely removed from this series, then yes, perhaps. We all want to shed our old selves and become who we truly are, and be accepted for it.

But in the context of this universe, how could anyone see his fall to Chaos as a positive outcome? The Chaos gods are extreme representations of humanity's worst parts; Slaanesh is the personification of hedonism, perfectionism and pride in its worst form. For all his flaws, Fulgrim was a good person. His whole motto was to rule through love, not war. We lost a charismatic, kind man who was wholly dedicated to helping the masses live better lives. Out of all his brothers, Fulgrim was one of the only who actually cared about humans as people, and immersed himself in culture. Perhaps he was not Vulkan, whose altruism and warm heart was what he was known for, but he still cared. And I think the most tragic thing about it, is that at the end, he saw what he did and regretted it, before being fully bound to Slaanesh; he realised he lost himself.

His losses were not sacrifices , but consequences of his actions- tragic ones, at that. Well, unless you ask the entity in the Laer Blade, who would probably say it was a tribute to Slaanesh. When you ask the questions, did he regret it? Was it worth it? Would he have been happier if he denied that part of himself?

Actually, Fulgrim would say yes and agree with you. Because he wasn't Fulgrim anymore. He was a Daemon prince, with Fulgrim's real soul is trapped inside a portrait, forever lamenting his mistakes until GW decides to let him out.

I can't see this as a positive for anyone, except for the Chaos gods. And I would rather not compare falling to Chaos to accepting yourself as a queer person.

Conclusion

You can certainly interpret Fulgrim's story as queer-coded, but it only applies to certain parts. When you try to stretch the comparison, even if you only take it very generally, it doesn't work anymore, at least, not without completely breaking the canon and making the characters completely different.

I agree that more pieces of media should show the messier side of coming out. It's painful, and it does require sacrifice- you're absolutely right. But Fulgrim's story didn't end with freedom and liberation. He slowly started to lose control of himself, until finally, the Daemon took over, and he was forever imprisoned. And this, I think, is the biggest reason why trying to bend his story to fit a queer-coded narrative doesn't work.

Fulgrim's HH character arc is a heavily queer coded liberation narrative that is ultimately a positive arc for him despite its tragic elements, in this essay I will

[miamc]

Do you think Mike thinks El could "fix" him? Like that El is something that helps "mask" who he really is? And that he feels bad about lying to El? And he doesn't know how to break up with her because he doesn't want to hurt her and lose way to be "normal?"

i think mike only knows that he doesn’t like el the way he’s supposed to and that he likes will more than he should. somewhere in the back of his mind he knows what that means, but he tries his best not to think about it. i think mike feels guilty about lying to el but he does it to avoid hurting her. so he’s gotten himself into a tragically ironic situation. he cares about el too much to lie about loving her, but the fact that he doesn’t say it is exactly the thing that’s hurting her. he can’t break up with her because he loves her too much, just not in the way he should.

i don’t know if mike consciously hopes el can “fix” him. i don’t think he has some grand master plan where he’ll pretend to love el and stay in the closet for the rest of his life. he’s been with el for around a year and he feels too guilty and responsible for her to break up with her. he’s in a messy situation and he knows it. i think he’s resigned himself to the idea that he’s in a relationship with her. like that’s it. that’s what’s happening. don’t overthink it. but of course he can’t run away from the truth when el outright confronts him and ask him to say i love you.

when i was his age i went through something similar. i knew that i was “different” for while. i used to think that everybody except me was in on some joke. i know how complicated trying to figure who you are can be. some days you’re sure of you who you are and the next day you’re only half sure and then the day after that you have no idea. most of all i just wanted people to think i was normal like them. so i pretended to have crushes and i talked about them with my friends in hopes that they would recognize me as “one of them”.

mikes just a confused kid. maybe he’s already accepted that he’s gay or maybe he just thinks there’s something wrong with him. it’s hard to fully tell. but i do think he realized that he likes will in some capacity that isn’t “normal”

[grievedifferent]

ive been editing my posts as i go but for josh, i finally have an idea for his sexuality and experience: a) he will always encourage others first to “go in for the kill” under the idea (and reputation) he does this all the time. there is both truth and lie to that. he is experienced, but only so far — meaning no penetration, just all the other bases. however, he definitely lets people think he’s more experienced than he is. he’s also only had sexual contact with women to the point we see him. he’s been encouraged to pursue women since puberty, so he does. he’s very flirty. but he’s also very “big bro” and just generally “bro”-coded that it makes sense for his personality. i see him as closeted bi (if he’s hiding his mental health, he’s hiding his sexuality) with a male leaning preference since women make him uncomfortable until he gets to know them. almost a demi thing. this just means, simply put, josh prefers men, but he is attracted to women. he is closeted. he is also a bit confused. he would call himself gay (to himself only) if this genuine attraction to women wasn’t present. he knows what being bi is — he’s in the industry, he’s a young guy socially aware, but he doesn’t know what him being anything means to him. he needs to pass a straight. he has a lot on his shoulders, his family’s reputation is everything, and he feels like no one would validate him — he would just be “straight or gay”, and that doesn’t really fit for him. he likes to call himself “open minded” — he’s just closeted and confused. he doesn’t even have a high romance trait, actually has the lowest, so i think with his other struggles combined with this one, the hookups at parties when drinking and under the influence, the general flirting … it’s all enough to keep him seeming how he thinks he should be.

[egophiliac]

Hi it's just to let you know that the official romanization of Revaan's name is Raverne ! Also they have romanized Baul's name to Baur !

Twst coming back at us again with the least expected romanization! thank you everybody (oh god my inbox) (no it's great, I literally asked for this and the reactions have been INCREDIBLE, thank you all!)

I do like Raverne though, I think it's got a nice fancy sound to it! (I had kinda suspected it was going to be an R instead of an L, so the fact that it's SO close to Laverne except for that is hilarious to me personally.) and Dragoneye Duke is honestly probably the best translation for his title, I wasn't envying the localizers that one. :') Baur instead of Baul I was NOT expecting, but in retrospect I think his name's supposed to be a reference to the Bauru crocodile, so that actually makes way more sense!

someone else also said Meleanor has become Maleanor, which is the REALLY weird one to me, because I was so surprised it was written as Mel instead of Mal in the first place?! oh god no I can't decide which one I like better. 😭 (I wonder if they might change it to Mal...they have made romanization changes before) (like I remember House of Distraction being corrected to House of Destruction in Playful Land) (I did check and she's still Mel for now, but I dunno, they might Mal her up and some point and save me from having to make a decision about which one to use) (HECK I CAN'T DECIDE)

uhhhh thank you for letting me ramble about anime names, let's just say MONOGRAMMED SWEATERS FOR EVERYONE

[sthilarions]

During a case many years ago, a witch made a poppet (roughly equivalent to the popular conception of a “voodoo doll”) of Edwin. They defeated the witch soundly and got the poppet, but there’s no safe way to destroy it. The only place Edwin and Charles trust as safe enough to keep it is inside Charles’s backpack, where no one but Charles could possibly get to it.

Charles largely forgets about it, buried deep deep down in the bag, until Edwin is held captive, less than a year after their jaunt to Hell, and there’s absolutely no way to get to him until the portal opens again at the next full moon, and he’s going crazy with worry, imagining Edwin in all sorts of misery without Charles not even able to so much as comfort him. He’s digging mindlessly through the bag when he gets to the poppet, and, he realizes, there is this one thing he can do.

He pulls it out with a care he wouldn’t give to a Faberge egg, because this is the most precious thing in the world, in any world, and looks at it for a moment. Then he reaches out ever so gently and strokes its hair. He murmurs reassurances to it - it’s alright, I’m sorry, I love you. He sings lullabies, curls around it and hugs it against him so, so carefully, tilts his head down and presses kisses to its soft curl-covered head.

He doesn’t let the poppet go for even a moment on all the days until the full moon returns, even as he’s preparing for battle, preparing to absolutely fucking obliterate the bastards that are holding Edwin.

Just as the portal opens, he finally places the poppet back in his bag, in the safest, warmest corner. He hefts the arsenal in his arms and strapped to his back and floating around him and charges through.

He tears through the stronghold in minutes, and he does literally mean through - he’s left a trail of smoking rubble behind him where ghost-proof walls used to be - and finally, finally gets to Edwin, and -

“Ah, Charles, there you are. Not to worry, I’m quite alright. There has been some sort of force - “

Charles doesn’t even hear him as he wraps himself around Edwin, and his body follows the same motions it has for weeks now, stroking hair, pressing kisses, murmuring muffled you’re alright I love you you’re alright I’m sorry I love you I’m sorrys into Edwin’s hair, which is even softer in reality than on the poppet, and Edwin says -

“Ah. That was you.”

Charles can’t see or hear anything other than Edwin, at the moment, but he can’t not see Edwin, so he has a very clear view as Edwin reaches his arms out and, with a few words, takes control of all the magical weapons and orbs and so forth that have been trailing after Charles.

And he hears when Edwin says “Well, then, Charles, shall we depart?”

And he feels it when Edwin lifts him as effortlessly as he lifted the poppet, holding him so he can keep his nose buried against Edwin’s neck as Edwin blasts his way out.

And he definitely feels it when, a few very loud minutes later, they’re back in their office, and Edwin’s head turns to meet one of his kisses.

“It’s alright, Charles. I’m sorry I left you alone. I love you.”

[chloesimaginationthings]

So why is Vanny so determined to get on Michael's good side?

It’s mostly because every one on one interactions they’ve had so far has been negative pff

[angy-grrr]

ppl who are talking shit about the manga just because Endeavor is not in jail and the others still talk to him -what are you even talking about?

Some people already talked about how relatable this is for Asian families and the society that punishes in any case victims more than abusers -but also, this is really common in other contexts too. Idk who is able to just get a whole family to agree on punishing the father, of all of the members (usually the one that holds the most power, emotionally and economically), and start the whole process to get him to go jail. Who thinks this is so easy?

Dabi expected to change the way people saw his father by exposing him, but as we saw, people still consider him a hero and admire him, and in any case people were criticizing his inability to control his kid. Are we not reading the same manga? Their society is literally trying to be the same as it was, because thats what the status quo does. You think a war or two change what is considered good in a system? You think the cycle could just stop so easily? That society doesnt support abusers, especially when the one who exposes it is "the villain" accusing "the greatest hero"? Or you even think, in a micro level, that its easy to cut ties with your abusers, especially when they tell you they want to change for the better?

Family is extremely important in many, many cultures, to the point that is a relevant point to bring up in political discussions -the familial structure just changing a little bit is considered reason enough to vote the far right. Women are still shamed collectively for getting divorced, labelled as bad mothers, bad women, inhuman. Kids not talking to their parents says worse things about the victims than the abusers. Why wouldn't you talk to them, after everything they have done for you? Why wouldnt you, when you owe them your whole existence?

And you are here, expecting a divorce, everyone going no contact, Endeavor in jail and everyone all of the sudden thinking they should get into other people's privacy -because getting abused, hurt, etc, at large, is considered a personal problem, that you should resolve on your own without involving others.

Because thats what its normalized, not acting when people need help. That's the whole point.

Everything will be the same. Except it just can't.

And its worthy to show the how to start getting there, than pretending things would change just like that..

We are living with the rising of the new far right trying to get votes, multiple genocides while the military tries to recruit using tiktok, AI and cute girls, multiple countries maintaining slavery systems and models, accelerated exploitation of nature, people and life in general, climate change and covid deniers getting in power... And you think a war and the exposure of abuse would change a society and social system in that way?

No, the change doesnt come from magic, just like that, but thru action and organization. Im hoping the next chapters can show us how Izuku feels about most people pretending everything is fine when he cant agree.

[roomba-mangga]

thoughts on thistle and yaad's dynamic that i vomited in the tags of another post but will now try to articulate here: they're not actually family, or at least they shouldn't be. not in a conventional sense anyway. framing them as uncle and nephew (even in a non-literal, silly fantasy world way) rides more on technicality than anything concrete.

what i mean by this is yaad calls thistle by name and says he and delgal were raised "like" brothers. he talks about thistle like he's an outsider imposing himself into the melinis' space, and it's clear that thistle was never legitimized as a member of the family. for thistle's part, though we don't know how he would treat yaad pre-demon brainrot, it's safe to assume based on the way he punishes him—turning him into a doll—and how little is shown in the way of any sort of relationship between them that thistle only cares* about yaad as an extension of delgal (otherwise i'd expect something like kabru and milsiril, because it's not like another complicated interspecies family dynamic would be out of place, yet there's next to nothing on them even in bonus content, just their scant interactions in the main story).

in essence, they're strangers to one another. thistle's desperation to preserve the illusion of a family, a model where he doesn't even fit, was the snare they were caught in for the past thousand years of stasis. yaad-as-nephew is a prop to uphold that illusion, and thistle is playing a role he's unfit to play. in the context of post-canon interactions, attempting to reconstruct that facade would only be a reenactment of trauma for them both (in a deeply compelling way i'd love to watch unfold, tbh), as that "uncle and nephew" framing places thistle in an implicit position of power over someone he's already traumatized through misuse of authority in the past, a role which also perpetuates his adultification and yaad's infantilization in turn. it'd mostly be an obstacle to any real connection.

best to burn the melini family bridge, i think, and if there's still anything salvageable left in the rubble, let something different supplant it.

[thewardenisonthecase]

btw tw for talking about abuse

I've seen a lot online about how the game never mentions Caterina's abuse of Lucanis while he was growing up (being beaten and starved, which is mentioned in the Wigmaker Job) and I think there's a small mention to it if you're a crow (when asked, he says it was torture training under the first talon and that he resented her for a long time)

And while I do think part of the reason why this isn't brought up is just due to how sanitized this game is when it comes to the crows, I think I do understand why in world wise it's not possible to just be like hey lucanis, fuck your grandma.

It's really hard, loving someone who hurts you. Because you know they're hurting you and yet, you still love them. It's even harder when they're family.

Because its not like Lucanis doesn't know that she hurt him. He says so himself - he hated her, he resented her, and althought I do think him 'justifying' it by saying that at least it prepared him for the life of a crow, at least he still admits that it happened.

But the thing is that despite all this shit, she's still his grandmother. And like, yes, blood shouldn't excuse justifing this behaviour, I feel like it's cultural. Idk how spain or italy works when it comes to family, but here in brazil, you'll hear so many stories of physical abuse happening in families, and its still a situation like Lucanis - i hate them, i resent them, i love them, they're my family.

It's a...complicated situation and I think Lucanis's situation is made worst by the fact that he only has two family members alive and that he cannot let go of.

She beat him, she starved him, he hated and resented her, and he was afraid of dissapointing her, even if in her eyes, i don't think he could. I mean, he comes back an abomination and she still tenderly says 'my poor boy' when you rescue her in the Villa.

All in all...it's tought and I think that it would not be Rook's place to suddenly make Lucanis want to kill his grandma bc he wouldn't. Sorting out those feelings is something he has to do himself, and i'l almost glad the game doesn't make rook do a therapy session with him to talk about it.

[imogenkol]

KINCADE PACK 🐺 (original works) — “The name goes back centuries, and all Miranda cares about is making sure it lasts for many more”

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[fisherrprince]

*Shuffles closer just an inch too close* Tell me your Vanitas Thoughts(tm). Your hopes and dreams for him in relation to the series, and what your Expectations are for in to contrast

I think I’ve talked so much abt vanitas I spat out like 29489385 words about what I think might happen and what I hope does RIGHT HERE right here I found it but TEE EL DEE AR worst case scenario: vanitas becomes mephiles (I don’t know sonic lore) and goes full evil cackling I’ve been darkness the whoooole tiiime (scarily likely but I want to BELIEVE the themes of kh remain intact about personhood). BEST case scenario to ME he and Ven have to work together to defeat Darkness because vanitas goes thru another self-identity crisis while trapped in (……….???) Sora’s? Ven’s heart? Somewhere? His heart grew too much to be dissolved back into nothing again. And he gets a wallet chain and a spiked collar. My TEMPERED expectations are something like,,, either he’s gone. we’re done with him, he’s dead. OR. He like… shows up as a villain and then either we have to beat him again or he defects at the last minute. There’s so much that has to do with having a will and making choices and friendship and and and AND on to ad infinitum in this video game. I want him here but if he’s gonna have a bad arc I want him gone. However I want him here so bad. And knowing kh none of this will happen he’s gonna like, go on a space adventure with yozora and pleakley or something

AND ALSO because you asked for Thoughts and then asked for the second thing here’s my first thought about vanitas make him meaner when you analyze him and in that vein if you want to give ME a little treat you’ll make badlands ven a little nervous prick too. People are too nice about vanitas because he’s the outcast emo kid and you all were outcast emo kids but vanitas in the actual game (not like. When you take a blorbo out of the game im of the opinion that you can do whatever you want with him and I do whatever I want all the time. Do you know how many soft sappy vani fics are in my ao3. do you know how many. I cherish each and every ONE of them) BUT IN THE GAME he hates. So so so strongly. I’ve also said this before but he’s so angry that the anger spills over. He’s vindictive and rash and desperate and a big meanie bully. AFFECTIONATE!!!!! He wants to be alive but not like this, this alive is the wrong kind of alive. He wants to crawl inside Ven’s heart and feel the warmth of the blood there. He didn’t ask to be made and if his unversed wants a big boot to hide in he’s going to give it a big boot

[moe-broey]

Also @ my it takes Sharena to break free from the "Gustav was a good man/Father" Askr family unreliable narrator hivemind. That the Main Reason she can't/doesn't is because it's the One Thing that's protecting her. That's stopping her from having a catastrophic world/life fucking breakdown about it. Heavily influenced by her brother and mother's feelings about it.

There's something else, I think Sharena is specifically protecting herself from too. She was Triandra's sister, too.

[strawberrysweater]

i was talking on discord about kiibo wearing sweaters and joked about him learning to knit or crochet to make his own bc i think that would be silly and he'd enjoy it AND I WAS REMINDED by a friend of the fact that crochet can't be replicated by machines and now i'm sooooo soft about this hc oh my god

kiibo taking up a hobby postgame that gives him something to do during those long quiet nights when everyone else is sleeping... he is all about learning and doing stuff and crochet is so methodical.... he hangs out with kaito or himiko to crochet together, makes a blanket for kaede and shuichi and they're like "hey um this is your blanket too.... <3"

a hobby that only human hands can do but here he is... and sure it's because he's a robot with human-shaped hands but it's still something he's doing because he wants to

[dennisboobs]

talking to macdennis shippers makes me realize how much more i enjoy charden lmfao