#I spent three hours hyper fixating

[yuzu-kiku]

This is a really interesting take, I can definitely see how a lot of Fulgrim's arc have some overlap with the feelings that queer people go through in accepting themselves (I've gone through it, too). There are some things, however, that I would like to point out.

You mentioned that you are looking at the general narrative arc that shapes Fulgrim's story without considering the in-universe specifics. But in doing this, there comes a lot of misunderstandings and misinterpretations in your analysis of his actions and way of thinking. There's some points where the story has to bend and stretch in order to fit the queer-coded narrative.

For example- I agree with your analogy of Fulgrim's experience with the Laer blade. He didn't need to pick it up, but he did give into his temptations. And through the Laer blade's impact on his mind, he did encounter a sort of liberation, where he acts according to his own will without consideration to what is wrong or right.

But I disagree with your analysis on the nature of his tragedy, particularly with Ferrus Manus. This is where looking at Fulgrim's arc in a general sense, particularly if we're looking at it through a queer-coded lens, mischaracterises both Ferrus Manus and Fulgrim himself. More under the cut, because I, too, cannot stop yapping.

(Before I cut, I do want to emphasise that I don't think you're wrong, I definitely agree with some points. I'm just a huge fan of Fulgrim and the complicated nature of his tragedy.)

Fulgrim's Nature

To start off, I want to talk about Fulgrim's perfectionism. It's important to understand that Fulgrim was not always a perfectionist. This mentality came from after his discovery, when he was introduced to his sons for the first time and learning that his legion was in a bad state, with barely 200 members, as compared to every other legion who numbered thousands, even tens of thousands. He needed to pick them up and rebuild them into a Legion that would not look weak compared to the others.

And I want to emphasise in particular, not looking weak. Yes, there was a lot of pressure on him as the Emperor had a lot of expectations for his sons. But his main driving force has always been pride. It is from pride that he drilled perfectionism into both himself and his sons. After all, for centuries, he had to be babysitted by another Legion because they just didn't have the manpower to undertake a crusade of their own. For someone as proud as him, a person who singlehandedly developed his home planet from a mining world to a civilised and cultured society, that had to be a huge blow. He was desperate to prove to everyone that his was not a legion that needed to be coddled all the time; this much is evident in his book, the Palatine Phoenix, where he admits that his desire to prove himself had led him to make many mistakes.

You are definitely right when you say his frustrations were self-imposed; he set the bar high for both him and his sons, and even after they succeeded and became a legion that was well-respected (albeit kind of mocked for their arrogance). He even made perfection the motto for his own legion.

But I don't think he was ever resentful about the strive for perfection in itself, because it is in his nature to do anything to be the best. And when he put that same expectation on his sons, it wasn't out of a desire to break them; it was because he cared for them. He wanted to lift them up to the best version of themselves, just like how he raised his home planet from a mining world, to a civilised, culturally rich society. Pre-Heresy Fulgrim was, honestly, a great guy who advocated for raising the masses.

(In addition, throughout my read of Fulgrim, I've not come across a part where he begins to doubt his own abilities- only his thoughts and actions through the Laer Blade's influence.)

The Laer Blade

It's a common misconception that the Laer Blade controlled Fulgrim, and it's not entirely wrong. But in the books, we can see that rather than controlling him, per se, the Laer Blade more manipulated him. Every action Fulgrim was tempted to do and every thought he had was his own. All the Laer Blade had to do was give him a little push, to lessen his inhibitions and make him act on them.

To give an example: Fulgrim was pretty pissed off at Ferrus Manus when he acted on his own. He considered it a blatant lack of disrespect, because it threw off their plans. It was the Laer Blade who actually put the thought in his head, quote, "the plan had been perfect and Ferrus was ruining everything".

And it's not as if Fulgrim didn't have those thoughts. But without the Laer Blade's influence, he would have been able to shove that negativity away, because he loved Ferrus, and in the end understood that yeah, maybe he should have suspected that his brother's rage would make him do this.

Rereading the book, actually, Fulgrim even knew that the Laer Blade's voice was dragging out a venom from his subconsciousness, and accepted it. To quote the book Fulgrim:

"Ever since the victory on Laeran, Fulgrim's thoughts had turned inwards to claw the furthest depth of his consciousness, dragging out an acid resentment he had not known existed. [...] At last he had come to accept that the voice was in fact a manifestation of his subconscious, a facet of his own mindscape that articulated the things he could not, and stripped away deceits the conscious mind created to protect it from the barriers society placed on it. How many others could lay claim to such an honest councellor as their own mind?"

(That last sentence is interesting, because that's certainly something that a person who thinks highly of himself would say.)

This is part is where looking at his actions through the lens of accepting yourself in a queer perspective starts to get wobbly. Fulgrim is prideful, and he sees the strive for perfection to be just another part of bettering himself and his legion. It's true that he had his frustrations, but that was far back in the past, during the time where he was proving himself as a competent legion capable of standing by itself (which the book the Palatine Phoenix is about).

However, after the Great Crusade and in the beginning of the Horus Heresy timeline, we can see that his frustration doesn't come from within himself; it comes from people directly challenging him, as seen above with Ferrus. In fact- I would argue that here, his pride has turned to arrogance, as he sees himself as perfect and always in the right. He still blamed Ferrus, even without the influence of the Laer Blade.

In other words, by this point, he is no longer unhappy with himself, and has fully accepted himself to be the definition of perfection. I would even go so far as to say he never cared about how society saw him. Why? Because on his ship, he is the Primarch. The definition of perfect. He couldn't have deviated from the rules of society, because he's the one who wrote those rules in the first place. And if any other Primarch disagreed? Well, this is his ship, not theirs. Not even the Emperor could dictate how he treated his sons, unless it actively affected their crusade.

Ferrus Manus

This part is where you might have stretched your analogy a bit too hard. I assume that using the term 'deviant', you mean to say how Fulgrim has come to accept himself and accept that he does not conform to Imperium standards (or 'normalcy').

This is not at all how his and Ferrus Manus' relationship began, or developed into.

Firstly- Imperium standards are simply the law by which citizens have to comply with. Praise the emperor, don't commit heresy, and you will be fine. Ironically, the Imperium really doesn't seem to care a lot about a person's character, whether it be personality or sexuality; that's up to the laws and cultures that you were born with in your own home world. And, as we know, all the Primarchs are long detached from their home world. Not even Imperium society could influence them, as they never even grew up there.

All this to say- 'normalcy' and 'deviant' is equal to 'loyalist' and 'traitor' in this world. It has absolutely nothing to do with a person's character.

In the context of your post, you use these terms to make an analogy for being rejected because a person is queer- but it's impossible to make a direct comparison with Ferrus and Fulgrim, not just because those 'normalcy' and 'deviation' in the context of Imperium society does not apply to them, but because they had always respected each other's character, no matter their flaws. They were one of the closest pairs of siblings out of their brothers. The only reason why Ferrus starts to reject Fulgrim is in fact, because he knew his brother that well.

Fulgrim was changing to be more venomous, more petty, more angry at everyone when things didn't go his way. Yeah, his brother's pride could be a bit too easily wounded sometimes, but Fulgrim was never a bad person. In fact, he was all for raising the masses, educating them and improving society- that's exactly what he did on Chemos. How could he accept what Fulgrim was becoming?

This is where the characterisation of Fulgrim and Ferrus Manus in your post becomes inaccurate. I understand that you were talking about the concept of one rejecting the other, but there is no direct comparison that can be made without mischaracterising the both of them.

And to say Ferrus would rather see his brother dead is completely wrong. He never said anything about wanting Fulgrim dead- he only broke their bonds after seeing what Fulgrim turned into.

The Tragedy

In your post, you made the implication that Fulgrim's transformation into the Daemon prince, shedding his old self, was a positive thing. In the context of a generalised, queer-coded narrative arc completely removed from this series, then yes, perhaps. We all want to shed our old selves and become who we truly are, and be accepted for it.

But in the context of this universe, how could anyone see his fall to Chaos as a positive outcome? The Chaos gods are extreme representations of humanity's worst parts; Slaanesh is the personification of hedonism, perfectionism and pride in its worst form. For all his flaws, Fulgrim was a good person. His whole motto was to rule through love, not war. We lost a charismatic, kind man who was wholly dedicated to helping the masses live better lives. Out of all his brothers, Fulgrim was one of the only who actually cared about humans as people, and immersed himself in culture. Perhaps he was not Vulkan, whose altruism and warm heart was what he was known for, but he still cared. And I think the most tragic thing about it, is that at the end, he saw what he did and regretted it, before being fully bound to Slaanesh; he realised he lost himself.

His losses were not sacrifices , but consequences of his actions- tragic ones, at that. Well, unless you ask the entity in the Laer Blade, who would probably say it was a tribute to Slaanesh. When you ask the questions, did he regret it? Was it worth it? Would he have been happier if he denied that part of himself?

Actually, Fulgrim would say yes and agree with you. Because he wasn't Fulgrim anymore. He was a Daemon prince, with Fulgrim's real soul is trapped inside a portrait, forever lamenting his mistakes until GW decides to let him out.

I can't see this as a positive for anyone, except for the Chaos gods. And I would rather not compare falling to Chaos to accepting yourself as a queer person.

Conclusion

You can certainly interpret Fulgrim's story as queer-coded, but it only applies to certain parts. When you try to stretch the comparison, even if you only take it very generally, it doesn't work anymore, at least, not without completely breaking the canon and making the characters completely different.

I agree that more pieces of media should show the messier side of coming out. It's painful, and it does require sacrifice- you're absolutely right. But Fulgrim's story didn't end with freedom and liberation. He slowly started to lose control of himself, until finally, the Daemon took over, and he was forever imprisoned. And this, I think, is the biggest reason why trying to bend his story to fit a queer-coded narrative doesn't work.

Fulgrim's HH character arc is a heavily queer coded liberation narrative that is ultimately a positive arc for him despite its tragic elements, in this essay I will

[killshotbabe]

Title | Overheated

Pairing | high school friend’s crush/bf!Jeno x reader ft. nct dream (minor appearance)

Warnings | minors dni! mention of smoking and alcohol consumption, use of swear words, reader stuck in an “uncomfortable” situation, close proximity, drunk!reader at some point, sexual tension, cheating/affair, jeno gaslights reader (or does he really?), fingering, implied solo masturbation, slight somnophilia, a bit "dub non-con" in the beginning, overstimulation, sex under the influence (reader only), dirty talk, unprotected sex (please wear protection!), implied public sex, no romance in any type of context

Word count | 4.5k

Song(s) | red - santino le saint, link up - kid travis

A.N | May or may not have dreamed about the idea of this lol. Just finished it today so happy valentines! (this one-shot won't make you blush that way...)

You’re not sure why your friend decided to it would be a good idea to go out with someone like him to begin with.

At first, you thought she’d get over him like usual, hoping it’s just a part of her “hyper-fixations” just like how she’s got maybe five crushes all at once (from what you can recall in one of those nights you spent hanging out in her bedroom) but much to your horror, it wasn’t as simple as that.

You remember her gawking at him at the cafeteria after she had jokingly pinched you, nudging you to check him out in which caused to roll your eyes and proceed to open the cap of your cold tea.

You didn’t care about crushes at all, and yes, he was cute, handsome even but the only thing that piqued your interest at the moment was that sleek navy blue motorcycle he brought to school. You’ve always wanted one and to say that you were jealous of him flexing one at such young age is nothing but an understatement — you wanted what he had even if you couldn’t afford it.

And that wasn’t fair to you. Not when he barely has to do anything when you’re out here working part-time at a pizza parlour and you can barely even pay half of the bills at home.

Him and his old money status can go to hell, you think. He doesn’t even need to show up to any of his classes and you’re one-hundred percent sure he’ll be able to get into any top universities so easily, he just has to maybe tell his parents—

“Hey, are you listening?”

You blink away from your train of thought, the faint bustle of the library buzzing into your ear.

You realize you’re still in the same place for about three hours now, trying to study with the same friend (which would be your only friend, not best friend yet though because you don’t like getting attached to things, let alone actual people) who had been yapping about him for the past hour, and you may or may not have told her to shut the fuck up in your head twice.

“Wait, sorry.” You lie, typing away as your friend broke into a sly grin after finally catching your attention. “What did you say?”

“I said I’m gonna talk to Jeno today.”

Jeno.

Him.

You couldn’t help but squint, almost bursting out of laughter.

You didn’t mind your friend at all.

She was fun, even if she’s the complete opposite of you. Loved cute things like pastel colours, calico critters and dressed the part as 1/4 of the future art majors in your campus (quirky, and she happened to obsessed with colour yellow), and collects a shit ton of squishmallows she even has a separate storage for it. She’s literally the true epitome of cute, preppy and pure.

Way too pure when it comes to that said department actually.

You weren’t even sure how someone like you were friends with her, and why she wouldn’t leave you alone but she was quite persistent with you — having to initiate things first after meeting you then following you around until you decided to just let her have at it.

Ever since then the two of you had been inseparable.

Though that didn’t mean you two were automatically best friends (even if she did say this a couple of times) and you would be lying if you saw it that way too when she mostly talked about herself, her hobbies, her interests, etc. unlike you who just sits there and listens, nodding your head off as if you do agree (mostly you don’t because you can’t relate or it’s just not your style) but you don’t really have the heart to tell her that… not when she’s generally nice and hasn’t really done anything to offend you.

You just admire the fact that she keeps dragging you around and never gave up on you. You don’t even know what made her want to work her butt off to earn your approval and have her invade your space like that, but you guessed that maybe she’s just someone you might need in your life.

…And that maybe, she’s there for a reason you can’t quite guess.

She hasn’t done anything stupid anyway.

…Until today.

“What?”

You balked, brows raised as she sighed dreamily, already planning her wedding dress for when she ends up marrying Jeno, her “soon-to-be high school sweetheart” as she mentioned just a few times and might have tried to manifest too with you in her room in front of her mini crystal collection she’s been obsessed with lately.

“I’m gonna say hi to him today! I’m sick of him not knowing who I am.”

If anything, you weren’t really surprised with this sudden revelation.

It was about time for her to finally try to introduce herself to him after crushing on him for two months now, and you do know she would have the great confidence to almost pursue anything, including him but you didn’t really want this day to come (hell, the thought of it was already dreadful) because you already knew what was bound to happen once she approaches him.

It’s like… surrendering a fawn to a den full of lions, and you can’t do anything but watch her get eaten, figuratively-speaking.

“You don’t look too happy, but that won’t stop me y’know.”

She winked mischievously, stealing a tomato chip off your lunch as you shook your head, a little smile playing on the edge of your lips.

“Do whatever you want but don’t rope me into your shit.”

You shrugged only to earn a scowl from her, her round eyes practically begging you to tag along when she introduces herself to him later on.

“But… c’mon! You don’t even have to say anything you just have to be there for moral support, pretty please?”

You could only sigh, pausing whatever you were doing just to look at her in the eye, already incapable of saying ‘no’ to her because in your defense she looked too cute.

You couldn’t afford to break her heart by saying no.

“Fine… whatever! Just get me ice cream after then we’re good.”

“Oh, I was about to say that too in case he rejects me ha ha,” she laughs off as she sipped on her watered down mango juice. “But at least I tried, yes? Then we can just enjoy our little ice cream date but I might cry…”

You weren’t even worried about that all, but you don’t say that part to your friend because guys like Jeno fancied cute girls.

Especially the innocent ones.

And your friend just might be the perfect girl for him.

To say that you weren’t right would be a goddamn lie, and you wished you were anywhere else but here, inside Jeno’s black sports car, the posh leather seat cold under your lap.

It’s been a month since the day your friend had introduced herself to him with such spark in her eyes you thought Jeno’s friends might have fallen for her too. One of them was even eyeing her from head to toe, visibly amused after seeing her short little skirt hugging her little frame.

Your friend, on top of being the real embodiment of cute, was still gorgeous and easy on the eyes, so it didn’t really surprise you when Jeno ended up giving his number to her as you tucked yourself away from his plain sight, hiding behind your much shorter friend when she confessed her feelings to him with so much confidence, it made you gag.

You weren’t really sure what happened overnight but just a week after, you found yourself on your own as your friend started hanging out with Jeno, his friends and their equally cute “girlfriends”, but she still made sure to spend half of her lunch break with you, even trying to drag you to their table but you could only reject her offer and excuse yourself because you had to catch up on an “assignment” when in reality, you would rather sit in the library by yourself than sit with them.

Then, today, you and your friend was supposed to go shopping by train but what she didn’t tell you was Jeno was gonna be there to drive the two of you so you don’t have to commute on the way to the mall and on the way back.

At first, you fumed having to deal with him being in an inclosed space as you, but it was indeed cold outside now that it’s halfway October and you certainly didn’t want to wait for the train with you friend in this type of weather (and maybe you did want to see his car up close and personal…) so you begrudgingly agreed, letting her yank you off your misery and plunge you into it all when she voluntarily pushed you to the backseat, your eyes drifting to Jeno who’s still talking to one of his friends, Mark, another guy from his group you do find just as attractive.

You could only roll your eyes as your friend wore her seatbelt on, giddily humming to herself. You gradually shifted your attention elsewhere, quite amazed with the clean and sleek interior of his car, but again it made sense.

Jeno was neat, never messy.

“Sorry, Mark was being clingy.”

You briefly hear him quickly apologize with a low chuckle as he slipped behind the wheel, his classy, citrusy scent invading your senses.

You cross your arms and looked away, trying to get him off your head as your friend’s slightly high-pitched voice cooed him “it”s okay!” and that “we can wait” ultimately, ignoring that fact that she just called him “babe” after.

This was one major thing you couldn’t bring yourself to fully admit — the fact that he’s now officially “seeing” your friend not even after a few months in which you felt no ounce of happiness about.

Your friend did inform you about it just a few nights before when she asked if you could come over and watch a scary movie with her because she noticed you were too busy and had no time with her (and you did feel bad because even if she’s always with him, she till spent some time with you only for you to run away for the most part) but she didn’t confront you about it at all.

If anything, it seemed like the usual chill nights you’d share with her until she brought him up and dropped the bomb on you without some sort of a warning beforehand especially when she can tell you’re not fond of Jeno nor his friends.

It felt like a sick joke, and it just feels like you friend is doing her best to make you change your mind about him which you don’t plan on doing so, not when you catch him doing PDA with your friend here and there you couldn’t help but swear at him in your head and look away.

The more time you had to spend with those two, sometimes with their friends, made you want to crumble or run off to the opposite direction.

They were exactly like what you imagined them to be, a couple of rich, privileged kids with filthy heads, the filth your friend is too innocent to be able discern.

They were sneaky about it too especially that Haechan guy who might have tried to get into your pants before, and you hated him so bad you had to tell him to back off you in which he called you feisty in return with the sinister promise of “you’ll want me someday.” before he left you to go smoke.

The rest of the group hasn’t really said anything to you yet. Sometimes they did but it was shallow and the girls hated your guts which is fair because you hated them as much (and with passion too). The only person you could perhaps stand in the group was Renjun.

The guy didn’t make any back-handed comments and he kept to himself for the most part but he did flash you a gaze occasionally wondering why you’re even here to begin with when it’s so damn obvious you don’t like anyone except your friend who always made sure you were included even if you tried to get away, and when you do try… it always ends with her getting what she wants.

And now you’re here, lost in your thoughts as you bore your full attention to the rows of yellow lights in the tunnel, the loud laughter your friend shared with Jeno mocking you.

He did leave the two of you alone to go shopping, and just came back to pick the you up as promised, then he’s supposed to drop you off first before her then they might go on a date like she told you earlier with so much excitement she couldn’t even choose between the two purses at a high-end store you were helping to choose from.

In the end, the two of you walked out the store satisfied — her with a new heart-shaped purse and you with a cashmere scarf you’ve been fancying on for months now that was on sale (which did hurt your bank account but your friend offered to pay half of it so you can just pay her back with instalments) this then provided some sort of a distraction for you, even offering to buy her a warm drink from the cafe as a sweet treat but since Jeno was already parked by the exit, you had to hurry.

They were still giggling as you shifted uncomfortably in your seat, the urge to strap your headphones around your head getting stronger the more you tuned in, even rolling your eyes when Jeno asked for her hand so he could give it a kiss as if you weren’t just there, witnessing the horrors.

Much to your looming demise, you try to relax and lay your head back with a determined attempt to lull yourself to quick nap anyway since your apartment is around thirty minutes away, so you fold your arms, turned your head to face the window and closed your eyes.

Not even ten minutes later, just when you were about to actually let sleep take over, your hear the deep rumble of Jeno’s voice.

“She’s asleep isn’t she?”

There was a slight movement from your friend, causing you to hold your breath as you feel her check on you.

“Yep, she did say she was tired.”

“She doesn’t talk much. Why are you even friends with her?”

Jeno snickered, taunting you from the rear-view mirror as you tried your best not to reach out and strangle him god willing.

He doesn’t even know you like that.

“She’s nice! Just give her some time.” You friend sighed, defending your honour which you almost snorted at but pretending to be asleep at this very moment was more ideal for you, you think.

You pushed yourself to further into the door, eyelids slightly parting just in time to see him give her a sleazy wink before you saw his hand land on her lap, making your heart drop at the sight.

You weren’t sure if you liked where this was going at all.

“She’s sleeping Jeno…”

You clawed on your sleeved, clenching your jaw when you hear Jeno whisper rather suggestively.

You knew it was meant for your friend, but he didn’t even bother hiding it, assuming you’re fully knocked out at the back seat.

“If you can keep it down, she won’t know.”

You swore you almost cried, knuckles turning white for how hard you formed into fists when you hear your friend’s shy giggles which enveloped to a series of quiet moans from the front seat when he began touching her down there as he drove, the soft r&b blaring from his speakers in an attempt to suppress the noises your friend was trying so hard to hide so she won’t wake you up, when in reality, you were very much awake to witness all of this happening.

At this point, you genuinely wished you were dead, begging for the door to just unlatch itself so you can slide off your seat and fall into the road to your death than sit here, being forced to hear your friend let out a strangled moan as he fingered her, easily dragging her close to her peak.

You wanted it to stop — for them to just cut it out and put an end to your nightmare but it only got worse as the time went by.

You can practically hear the lewd noises Jeno was making with his fingers as he played with her sheer arousal and the way he was talking to her in such a dirty manner for the sole purpose to make her cum in which she violently did just a few minutes later, an animalistic high-pitched squeak leaving her lips before she heaving and moaning his name shakily with him still fucking her with fervour, overstimulating her.

The subsequent scarlet hue spread on your cheeks, heating your face up, second-hand embarrassment kicking in as you chewed on your lip until you drew blood from your cracked ones, neck craning all the way to your side so your scarf could hide the horrified expression on your face.

You weren’t sure if you wanted to cry or laugh — cry because he had the audacity to finger your friend at your presence or laugh because of the high-pitched noise your friend made. You think it’s a mixture of both and you think you might have gone clinically insane from that alone as this was not a part of your bingo card.

It’s only been a few weeks. Have they fucked already?

You try to contain yourself as you kept still when you hear them share a languid kiss in which your friend giggled to before she flashed you a quick gaze, making sure you were in fact, still asleep.

“She probably didn’t hear that did she?”

“I’m sure she didn’t.” Jeno’s mocking tone caused you to move slightly, but not enough to make him think you were awake all along.

Your neck became stiff after what seemed like forever, and as much as you wanted to stay in this painful position you knew you had rouse yourself up just because you couldn’t handle “sleeping” anymore, so you waited until your friend led him to your street as she navigated for him.

It was then the only time you stirred yourself up, alerting the both of them that you were now “awake.”

“Hey, sleepy head!”

You yawned, trying to look at her in the eye in the dark as you borrowed into your scarf, hiding half of your face.

“Yo.”

You diverted your to the windows and recognized your surroundings as the car halted just in front of your apartment complex, relief surging through you in sudden realization that you’re finally home.

“Thank god.”

You murmured under your breath, hand already fixed to the door handle, about to yank yourself out of there when your friend stopped you just before you can leave.

“See you next week!”

She piped up, her pupils shaking in pure excitement you almost asked what the hell she smoked to look like that when you already knew it was due to post-orgasm high.

You couldn’t help but to mirror her expression, but with a completely different reason.

You think you might want to commit right there if you kept smiling for ten more seconds, much like an unhinged criminal.

“Yeah! See you and thanks for the ride, Jeno.”

“Anytime.”

You see him nod at you, acknowledging your thankful nature (he probably though you were incapable of doing that) before you sprinted off, the two of them watching you attentively as you pushed yourself inside the lobby, cursing vehemently under your breath.

You didn’t even sleep that night, not when you find your underwear being wet from your own arousal after thinking about it again.

You don’t even like Jeno to any degree and yet, you still dreamed of him but not for good reasons.

Not at all.

And if your friend was to find out, it would be game over.

//

“I might have a friend who can take me in so Tony can come and fix this.”

You sigh, seeing as how the flooding got worse over the weekend due to the nonstop rainy weather and you, unfortunately, still rents the basement of a hosting family your mother personally knew but since they were on vacation in the UK and the main floor is locked, you can’t even access the floor and camp in the couch until the flooding issue gets fixed.

You’ve been on the phone with your host for an hour now explaining everything, and that they were going dispatch a friend to fix the damage shortly but still advised you that you’ll probably want to look for a friend to sleep over at for the mean time which you were okay with but you didn’t really want to do that even if you had no choice.

Hotels were costly so you dialled your only friend anyway whilst chugging what’s left from your coffee cup before tossing it in the nearby bin.

You’re in a local library now, left with nothing but a small suitcase you hastily shoved most of your every day necessities in to cover one week’s worth. Your host did say it should be okay to come back in a week or less so you made sure not to overpack, and you didn’t really want to stay there for longer, not when the slightly murky water felt cold around your feet.

“What? Are you serious!”

You sighed for what seemed like the 100th time today as you told your friend the whole situation.

“Not sure if this is going work but do you think you can take me in?” You inwardly groaned. “I can pay you.”

“Boo, I wish I can but my aunt’s over with my cousins I don’t have a space for you. Maybe after four days? They leave on Friday!”

“Well that won’t work, thank you though. I’ll go find a hotel—”

“No, no that’s going to be more expensive I can get someone to take you in though if that’s ok?”

You hummed, picking on your nail at the thought. Might as well give it a try.

“Sure…?”

“Ok, great! Give me a sec!”

You hear some sort of a movement from the other line before you hear your friend’s muffled voice once again.

“I just texted Jeno! He should be done working out right now. Where are you?”

“What?!” You let out a harsh whisper, trying to calm down realizing you’re in fact, still in a library. “Jeno—? I didn’t even agree just yet!”

“Well, he’s the only person I one-hundred percent trust with you even if you guys don’t talk but he’s got a huge place you can stay in and then he can even pick both of us up for school!”

“No,” You clutched your head in annoyance, trying your best not to hiss. “I— I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

“What? Why? He already said he can do that though just now and I really don’t want you to spend money in a hotel. Too expensive. Good luck with Jeno though because he’ll say no with paying so you’re in good hands!” She laughed a little, making you huff on the other line. “Please? Maybe you guys can be friends. It gets so awkward when I’m with the both of you and you don’t even talk to him…”

“It’s just…” You try to explain. “I don’t know I feel like it’s so rude of me to just—”

“Honey, you’re not being rude! He literally said yes, and he’s got like two cars over there that you might like. If you ask nicely, maybe he can let you drive one to school? How about that?”

You wished she didn’t mention that at all, especially knowing that sport scars were your weakness in general and Jeno happened own two more aside from the one he drives to school.

You weren’t even sure if you had any ounce of dignity left at this point.

Hotels were costly, and you didn’t want to ask your mom for money to spend in a hotel thinking you’ve got a friend to cover for you, plus what you make from your part-time job wasn’t enough to foot the bill if you were to opt for a hotel.

If it was someone else, perhaps Mark or Renjun, you would probably agree without missing a beat (not like they would offer themselves in the first place, but if they did, you’d rather be with them) but this was Jeno.

The guy you’re friend is “seeing” and the same guy you thought about that night when you shouldn’t have.

You don’t even know if you could look at him in the eye anymore, and now you would have to stay over because he’s that nice?

“Heeeey, are you okay? I thought you ended the call for a second there.”

You cleared your throat, trying to make up your mind.

Am I gonna do this or not? Why the fuck would he even agree to this…

“I’m here sorry…”

“Don’t worry about it, okay? I really want you guys to start talking… Don’t you think this is a good idea? He thinks it might be good too.”

“He said that?” You almost laugh. “Thank you, but…”

“He did actually and no buts! Do this for me please?”

“You… fine, fine…” You say as you give up, letting her win over you again.

“Okay! Yay!”

You hear her clasp her hands together before she asked where your exact location was again, intending to forward it to Jeno.

In the end, she simply gave your number to him so it would be easier, logically speaking, but you didn’t even want to save his number at all or have that exchange. It felt so weird to have him there, in your short list of contacts when you don’t even consider him a “friend” for that matter.

You weren’t even sure if you were doing your friend a “favour” even if she did say she trusts Jeno because deep down, you knew she shouldn’t be putting all the trust to him, not when you’re in the picture.

Especially not when you’re about to be confined in one space with no one else but him for god knows how long.

//

He didn’t even bat an eye when you slipped into the front seat of his car as he was in the middle of a conversation what you can assume would be Jaemin, blabbing something about some new pc game he got, so you strapped your seatbelt on quietly, not sure when would be the good time to thank him when you can’t even look at him in the eye.

“K, heading home. Talk later.”

He didn’t say anything either so you slowly fixed half of your attention to the road ahead of you and his one hand steering the wheel expertly, then gradually moved past that so you can finally glance up there, to his gorgeous side profile in which you admire a little.

He’s even more handsome this close, with his tall nose, perfect jawline and glowing fair skin — you thought you might have forgotten your words but you quickly look away, feeling the nervous energy course through your veins.

“No thank you?”

There was a slight tinge of tease in his tone, so you clear your throat, refusing to actually spare him another glance afraid that he might catch you looking more that you should have.

“Sorry… Just sad about the whole situation, but thank you for taking me in. I hope that’s okay with your parents…”

“Don’t worry.” He chuckled a little. “They’re in the Caribbean Islands right now. No one’s home.”

“Oh, that’s great.” You weren’t even sure if that offered some sort of relief on your end. “Always wanted to go there.”

“Maybe if you start hanging out with us more then I can take you there for the summer with the group?”

You think he might be joking, so you treat it as such, trying not to derail from what seemed like a pleasant conversation you two are actually having.

You knew your friend would be happy to hear the fact that you can actually get along just fine, but because of how you see Jeno and his friends in such a negative light, you’re not sure if you had the ability to stop being stubborn for once.

“Maybe.”

You sigh, now shifting your gaze to him again, noticing his muscular, yet lean upper body hugged by just one layer of his black turtle neck. You couldn’t help but to ogle a little, but you do look away, feeling the slight guilt creeping down your spine.

He’s literally one move away from dating your friend, so why do you find it so hard to look away? Not when there are more conventionally attractive guys in the group? Like Mark? Renjun?

I have eyes. I can look, that’s it. It won’t hurt.

“Oh, c’mon the more the merrier.” There was some sort of a drawl in his tone you couldn’t quite miss, but maybe you might have been imagining things. “Let’s see if I end up liking you enough though then maybe I’ll work so hard to drag you into the group and come with us to the Caribbean next summer vacation, yeah?”

Or were you really imagining things?

//

The first night wasn’t bad.

You learn that your friend wasn’t exaggerating when she did tell you he lives in a mansion.

There was a huge fountain in the middle of a private cul-de-sac, two mermaids made out of a slab of rock perched in right in the centre, flowing water trickling from the matching queen conches.

The gate was tall, and the impressive gigantic lot is nestled in what seemed like a canopy of endless tall pine trees. They literally had no neighbours close by and the entirety of the driveway was an actual boulevard, you think they could possibly fit another house over the area.

It felt like you entered a different dimension — the gated community of the rich didn’t feel real at all. Even the air felt expensive, and just when you thought that wasn’t enough, Jeno allowed you to spare a longing gaze to his two other fancy cars parked in a quadruple-door garage.

He did notice your obvious interest with the exterior of his cars so he lets you have your fun until you found yourselves darting inside his own floor which could pass as some sort of a penthouse.

You think he might not even see his parents even if they were in one house altogether halfway in. Hell, if there was party being hosted by him for two days in a row his parents won’t probably hear any of it.

“I have a spare room when the guys sleep over so you can stay there for now. Don’t think I’d have anyone over soon so you’re good.”

You stand in the middle of the spare room, checking the surroundings like some sort of a curious cat.

It was super neat, had some distinctive art pieces by the walls, but it did look like where they would hang out judging from the game consoles tucked into the black drawers under the gigantic screen tv and the mini fridge with a snack bar situated in a corner surrounded by neon lights.

“Thanks again, Jeno.”

You tell him as he leaned against the doorway, a pleasant expression on his face upon noticing the way you looked awestruck with the room arrangement.

“No probs. I’m just one door away so let me know if you need anything. Usually up until 1 am. My maid isn’t here she’s on vacay so just it’s just us two.”

“Sure.”

He left you alone like that, letting you bask at thought of him even having a maid. You think he might have an entire staff like a “head chef” running the house, but sooner or later you learn they’re all on vacation since they were all related which leaves you and Jeno all alone in such a big house, though despite that, you couldn’t help but feel the foreboding anxiety blaring through you like fire alarms.

There was an itch you couldn’t pinpoint and it drove you crazy the more you stayed over, and even if the first night went equally well like normal, you couldn’t help but feel some sort of guilt wrecking through you, so for the next two days you got in touch with Tony, the maintenance guy, in hopes to hear something positive about the situation back home so leave early.

Much to your demise, it won’t be until a few days so you gave up, trying to calm yourself down as you tucked yourself to bed right after doing your homework on your third night.

Your friend visited you a few hours before but since her and Jeno had plans for the night which involved the guys, Jeno might be coming home around dawn. You couldn’t help but feel the crash of relief to be finally alone for once which was bad for you to admit since you’re literally staying in his house for free, but having him there to share a space with made you feel too damn guarded and you hated that.

It wasn’t like he was watching you either — if anything, you’re the one who was doing more of that especially when you ate together after he offered to cook, and if he did order take-out, he asked what you wanted and delivered it right to your door just because you didn’t feel like going downstairs when you should’ve offered but upon finding out he was in the ground floor from their own home gym, you decided not to.

He didn’t even bother putting a shirt on when he knocked on your door, letting you see his bare abs through the wide split of the door so you were quiet thankful you didn’t make your way downstairs even when the damage has been done and it did nothing but make things worse for you.

“The passcode is the last four numbers of you number.”

He concluded as he gave you a quick rundown of instructions in terms of the security system.

You nodded obediently, quite touched at the fact that he made you your own designated password even if you’re only staying for a couple of days.

You weren’t friends with him yet, but he sure made things easier and was quite civilized the entire time, even putting all the trust in you to be in the house but the cams were all on so he can literally see what you would be up to unless you lock yourself in your room.

You follow closely behind him and your friend now holding hands with him as the three of you entered the garage. Your friend gave you a little pat on a head muttering a “good girl” in a light, teasing tone before they eventually drove away, leaving you by yourself for the next few hours.

You actually planned to do a mini tour and explore the other floors besides Jeno’s floor but because you didn’t want to end up falling to any “trap” doors (Jeno did mention that once as a joke but you didn’t want to risk it) you chose to stay in your room instead and watched movies on netflix with a plan to reheat the leftover pizza from last night.

Around midnight, you found yourself by the mini bar, wanting to try some of the alcohol he had so you pop a Hennessy from the glass shelf into a mug instead to pair with some sun chips to munch on at midst of a thriller movie you picked.

After downing what seemed to be a couple of glasses within the passing hours, you nursed an impending headache throbbing in your head. You could only curse, the thought of being completely hangover the next day already pissing you off.

You were more of a social drinker, but you think it’s been a while since the last time you attended a party and back then, it wasn’t so bad. You were still able to walk and say sentences incoherently after a few shots but this was worse.

You’re severely tipsy at this point, gaze all hazy as you attempt to shut the tv off, squinting over the rolling credits you can barely read off from.

You yank your crewneck over your head after feeling too hot, opting for just a mid-length slip as you tumbled out of your room, wanting to head to the bathroom with the sudden urge to splash some icy cold water on your face but you weren’t fully thinking as to where you were heading until you managed to somehow push into Jeno’s room, arms splayed in the dim-lit space.

You stumbled your way into his own bathroom adjacent to his bookcase, locking yourself in.

You were about to pass out inside, suddenly too sleepy to function but still made it out of there only to end up locating his equally large, yet better bed, his sheets cool under your skin which eased up the liquid fire running in your bloodstream.

You weren’t really sure what you did next, but the faint smell of his citrusy scent from his nice, cold sheets, you didn’t care about anything else and instead, slept through the great comfort of it all.

Unbeknownst of you, Jeno did end up going back home earlier than planned, but without your friend this time.

He was too exhausted to even notice that something was truly off by the time he got into bed, shirt off, sleep knocking him out a few minutes in.

“She won’t know.”

He placed your arms on the curve of your back as he pinned you to the wall in a hallway absent of any light.

You feel his sweet, minty breath on your nape, his strong hand tight around your wrists in a vice grip with the intention of not letting you go.

You were so breathless now, letting him do what he wished, his free hand tracing the outline of your thigh as he yanked the hem of your dress upwards, groping you from behind, whispering sinisterly in your ear before kissing the slant your shoulder, his hand snaking dangerously inside the silk fabric until he replaced your bra with his, playing with your breasts in a manner that drove you nuts.

“You’ve thought about this haven’t you?” He pressed, as you whimpered helplessly, back arched with your behind brushing against his. “Answer.”

“Y-yes…”

You sigh, unable to control the soft moan emitting from your throat when he eventually slid his hand in your underwear, callused fingers rubbing your clit now covered with pure arousal, spreading it all over your aching sensitivity.

“I didn’t even have to spit.” He hissed sardonically. “But I think you’ll like that, yeah? What do you think? Do you want me to spit on your pussy?”

“F-fuck… yeah…”

You feel him pull his fingers off you, causing you to whine at the loss of contact when you hear him spit behind you, immediately sliding his hand back into your soiled underwear after doing so, messily mixing the glob of his spit with your slick arousal you think if he kept this up, you would cum in no time without even having him fuck you at all.

“You’re disgusting…” He hummed in satisfaction, ultimately parting your pussy lips so he can pump a finger in, his lips leaving a trail of open-mouthed kisses down your spine. “I like that.”

You hear him groan at the feeling your tight walls around his long, slender fingers, a series of swears rolling off your mouth when he began fingering you, fucking his spit into your throbbing hole all desperate for him and him only.

You rubbed your thighs together in a desperate attempt to itch the pulsating sensation between your legs, the bundle of nerves you eventually pressed on in your sleep made you whimper softly, the pleasurable feeling intensifying the more you rubbed yourself.

This was the second time Jeno had unmercilessly plagued your dreams again — like an incubus haunting you in your sleep, but in the end, he gives you what you desire — to come so hard you thought you’d black out.

You’ve never even drawn yourself to that type of high before you even knew who he was, but after what happened in the car, you couldn’t help but think of how good it would be to have him fuck you instead of your friend.

You did feel guilty for having this type of thoughts about your friend’s own boyfriend, but having him wreck havoc in your head after hours, was mind-numbing, it was almost addicting.

You’ve tried and fought so hard to stop thinking about him, trying to replace his face with someone else like Mark, or even Renjun or some other celebrity you fancied but when you’re just a minute away from reaching your peak, you can’t help but bring him back and let him take over you, his face alone making you come so hard your legs would shake as the raw lust mixed with shame riddled all over your skin.

Tonight was the same, except you were actually in his house and on his bed, touching yourself without any awareness about your surroundings and absolute care in the world, not when you had creeped your finger inside your now wet underwear, intending to finger yourself on your side, but before you could do that, you tucked yourself under the comforter seeking for warmth, back flat on the mattress as you slide your hand back in, moaning at the contact once again, legs propped with your knees bumping against each other as you played with yourself, eyes tightly shut.

“It hurts…” You whimpered lightly, still dreaming as you tilt your head to the side, brows furrowing in frustration. “I need…”

Jeno, who had been sleeping just right beside you, eventually stirred, turning to face you with a sigh, starting to be aware with the noises you were making but thought it was a part of what seemed like a dream for him too so he made no move until you inched closer and closer, now only one move away from touching him.

You’re facing him now, his familiar sweet scent elating your senses, it being the only thing to make you move faster, your middle finger playing with your growing wetness before you eventually slid it in, biting your lip at how tight you felt and wishing it was him doing it for you instead.

“Jeno…” You huff, you free hand snaking under your slip to grope your breast, hissing from how hard your nipples had gotten.

Jeno, now half-asleep, responded with a tired “hmm” as he hovered closer, his hand landing on your hip to pull you closer to him, sealing the small gap between the both of you with his face now resting on the curve of your shoulder.

He hears you purr sweetly, fingering yourself faster when you feel him lay a light kiss on your bare skin, his hand finding your jaw so he can tilt your chin up, kissing you there but deeper.

You didn’t even care anymore. No shame surging through you thinking this was a mere wet dream even if it felt too real, so real you could actually see him in the shadow but because the lights were so dim, you couldn’t make a face but his beautiful scent and warmth was more than enough.

You just needed to feel him, have him ruin you more just like how he does in your dreams.

“Aren’t you tired?” He whispered huskily, realizing you were fingering yourself when he circled his own around your wrist, stopping you. “What are you doing?”

“I want…” You mumbled, distress coating your tone when he yanked your hand from your underwear ever so gently. “I want to cum…”

“Want to?” he cooed, keeping his eyes close as he parted his lips open to suck your slick arousal from your fingers, earning another moan from you before he let you grab him on the shoulder, his own hand now snaking inside your underwear.

“Fuck, just-just put it in, please…” You begged, circling your arms around his neck as you lifted your leg, resting it on his hip.

You hear him hum, the deep rumble of it making your head go numb.

He wasted no time, pleased with your whines when he slid his finger inside your soaked pussy, fingering you slowly until you found yourself in a verge of breaking out of a sob, your knuckles turning white on his shoulder as he fucked you faster and harder at your request, fully attentive with the way you were squeezing him, sucking him further into your throbbing cunt, making him go crazy for how increasingly wet you’ve become.

“J-jeno!”

You half-screamed, back arching as he hovered on top of you, his head disappearing on the crook of your neck to kiss you right there before you feel his teeth bite the strap of your slip, yanking it down your shoulders.

He was going way faster now, fingers curving up to rammed on your sweet spot as you struggled under him, thighs closing tightly around his flexed arm just when you’re about to reach your peak.

“Don’t you want to come?” He smiled sleepily, sucking your left nipple with so much want it only drove you closer to your orgasm. “If you’re a good girl, you will, won’t you?”

It was scary how it feel too damn real — you could even hear him up close and personal and it was too overwhelming, but you couldn’t open your eyes, not wanting this dream to ever end, not when he’s about to make you cum so hard like this.

So you pushed through it, the lewd squelching of your wetness from him fucking into you the only thing you could hear, his equally pleased moans gracing your ears when you tell him you’re almost there.

“Fuck, fuck…fuck! I’m,” You cried, shaking violently as you finally snapped, hands flying on his in an attempt to stop him from fingering you in a brutal pace but he didn’t allow you.

Instead, he forced you to ride through it all as you cursed, head thrown back until you began sob from overdrive, thrashing and squirming under him only to make him pin your arms above your head, your slip pulled all the way to your neck, letting him feel your bare skin, your underwear being torn by him, tossing it on the marbled floors.

“I’m fucking you.” He growled, eyes parting slightly, unable to see you fully but the feeling of having you all naked and weak under him made him a little crazy. He wasn’t even sure if this was just a dream anymore, but he had his own personal desires needed to be taken care of. “You’ll let me, right?”

“Please…” You begged as he lifted your dress all the way to your face, turning it into a blindfold causing you to spread your legs wider for him, too aroused with the way he was trying to limit your senses. “Fuck… just do whatever you want, please…use..use me…”

“Can you even take me?” He smirked, tracing small kisses from your jaw all the way to your sternum as your breath hitched. “You’re this desperate, huh?”

You hear him unbuckle his belt as you begged, wanting him to give it to you already, afraid that this dream might come into an end.

“Please, Jeno…”

“Sounds better when you say it like that…”

He sighed, giving himself a few generous strokes before you felt the tip of his hard cock rub your pussy, giving you a few jabs before he slowly slipped inside you just halfway, wanting you to get used to his size so he waits for a tap which came just a few moments later, and gives it to you, a matching lustful moan being knocked out from yours and his.

“So b-big…”

You grabbed his biceps as he held his breath, trying his best not to fuck you like a wild animal for how amazingly tight and warm you felt around him, squeezing around him repeatedly, almost drawing him to the edge.

“Your pussy can take it…” He whispered, fucking into you slowly. “If I fuck you like this, you’ll take it…and if I go faster?”

“Ah!” You cried as he snapped his hips into you, the wetness of your pussy coating his entire cock, drawing him deeper into your cunt. “Don’t stop… fuck, f-fuck feels so good, so so good.”

“I know, baby…” He hissed vehemently, face buried into the crook of your neck as you let him fuck you faster, the slightly deep baritone of your tone intensifying the fact that he wants to ruin you, even if this wasn’t reality because god knows what he will do it had been, but for some reason, he didn’t felt any type of shame if this wasn’t a dream— just the carnal desire he felt for you, the girl who seemed to hate him for no valid reason.

You clutched the sheets as he pistons in and out of you, ultimately driving the both of you to each other’s peak.

He doesn’t let you touch him, his hand fixed to your wrists on top of your head as your jaw went slack, breath hitching as your legs trembled, alerting him that you were there.

“Fuck, spread your legs wider.” He demanded through gritted teeth, strong thighs stuttering against yours as you obediently did what he asked. “That’s it, pretty girl.”

It didn’t take long when the two of you finally came, you being the first to snap as he followed-through just a few seconds later, pulling out of you so he can cum on his bed sheet instead.

You immediately fell asleep right after, smiling through it all just like he did, the looming taste of regret awaiting to ruin everything in the morning.

Or would it?

//

You awoke to an unfamiliar bed, already panicking upon finding out you’ve been sleeping in his room the entire time so you quickly pad down the silent hall, disappearing inside your own room with a huff.

You ignore the throbbing headache in your head as sat on your bed, a little shaken and not knowing to go about explaining what just happened if he was aware of it, but you think he’s not even home or if he was, did he end up sleeping elsewhere?

You grabbed your crewneck and fixed yourself in front of the mirror, about to head downstairs and find him when you feel something odd, so you lift the hem of your dress, discovering that you didn’t even have an underwear on.

The memory of him taking it off you haunted your train of thought — last night felt too raw, too real and you think it maybe because you’re starting to be delusional, using the advantage of staying in his house and touch his stuff that weren’t yours.

You assume this might have catered to it all and you weren’t even sure if that’s something to be happy or angry about.

You figured it wasn’t — in fact, it was too wrong and you wanted out so you immediately text Tony for an update before heading downstairs to find Jeno.

Jeno, you learn, was not alone.

It was a Saturday after all, and he happens to be on the phone by the living room, his full attention watching the glowing fireplace in front of him, energy drink on-hand as your friend darted from the kitchen, immediately seeing you.

“Oh, she’s up!” She announced, running to hug you with a beam. “Jina and I are going to get our nails done and she’s picking me up, you wanna come?”

“Oh, um… that’s okay.” You falter as Jeno turned to look at you, gaze unreadable. “I’m leaving soon anyway, like going back to my place.”

“Oh! Well maybe next time? Jeno is leaving soon too but won’t be dropping me off. Jeno, help her okay?”

You avoid the way he’s looking at you now, quite embarrassed with the fact that you literally just slept in his bed and even dreamed of him fucking you. You just hoped he had no idea, and if he did know, you knew you couldn’t bear to show face any longer.

“I’ll plan us another date. Just you and I. I promise!”

You let your friend drag you to the entrance and albeit dazed from the unholy thoughts you were suddenly having about Jeno, you managed to brush it off and watch your friend leave, waving her a small good-bye, the guilt surging through you once again after seeing her.

You were just about to lock the door when you feel him hover behind you, the hairs on the back of your neck raising at the sound of his deep voice invading your cloud of thoughts.

“I’m gone for one night and you’re suddenly touching stuff that aren’t yours?”

So he did know. But does he know?

“I’m sorry…” You exhale, sighing regretfully but refused to look at him in the eye. “Got a little drunk then looked for the bathroom—“

“See… that wasn’t the only thing I’m upset about though.”

You gulped as you feel him walk closer so you slowly back away, the shocked gasp leaving your lips as you feel the pressure of the door behind you, him towering over you now.

“What?”

“Do you know what I’m talking about?” He questioned, a little on edge. “Don’t act dumb now.”

“I said I was drunk and I’m sorry.” You apologized sincerely, the overwhelming silence skyrocketing your anxiety. “If there was any damage—”

“No, that’s not…” You hear him chuckle as he drove his hand to the door, cornering you like a predator, but you remain still, stopping yourself from looking up or it was going to over. “Do I have to explain?”

“I don’t…”

“You don’t care about your friend, do you?”

Your eyes rounded in shock, immediately tilting your chin up so you can look at him in the eye this time, suddenly angry at his accusation.

“What made you say that?” You snapped, watching him shake his head in amusement but you weren’t buying it. “Jeno.”

“You’re something else.” He whispered softly, eyes searching something in yours before you feel him inch closer to your ear, his lips brushing across the shell of your ear. “You’re insane. Has anyone ever told you that?”

“Jeno, what the fuck?”

You pushed him off you but he could only laugh, head tilting to the side, a smirk now evident on his face.

He was too handsome, it almost drove you nuts if it wasn’t for the way he just insulted you.

“Guess I’d be the first but don’t worry, I’m not that angry, you know?”

You clenched your jaw, watching him advance to you again with an intent to pin you against the door.

“You’re full of shit. I don’t even know what the hell you’re talking about when all I’ve done is —”

“We fucked.” He sighed, reeling closer when you clamped your mouth shut, looking away from him. “Why, you thought you were dreaming?”

“You’re joking.”

“See, I’d like to think I was. The whole time I thought the same until I find you in my bed in the morning.”

You faltered, unable to think straight when you feel him trace the outline of your jaw, grabbing you by the chin gently to make you shift your attention back to him.

“Jeno.”

“You said my name too. Just like this.” His darkened gaze pierced yours, pupils blown. “You like me that much?”

“We can’t do this.” You grab his wrist, pushing him away with a huff. “It was a mistake!”

“I’d like to think the same but for some reason…” He took another step, completely caging you in just like you were always meant to be for him. “You’re fucking everything up.”

“How is that my fault —”

“You should’ve pursued me first, that’s all.”

Your eyes widen as he cradled your face, drawing you completely speechless.

Turns out, he was crazier, even more sinister with the way he’s touching you so inappropriately right now you feel like pushing him off and running out to escape but you simply couldn’t. You knew you wanted him too even if you shouldn’t.

Not when the damage has already been done, and you’ve opened a pandora box, unleashing his hidden desires on board with yours, the sinful thoughts you’ve been trying so hard to seal away for no one to figure out.

“You don’t give a fuck about her?” You swallowed a lump in your throat, a pained expression on your face as he kept up with his ministrations, his hand now holding yours. “Why are you touching me…”

“I like you.” He confesses with a shrug like it was something so simple to do, his piercing gaze meeting yours again. “You think I’m into your friend?”

“You’re sick.”

You say through gritted teeth, raw anger still there but the more you allowed him to stare you down like this, the more it dissipated. The desperate hold you had around it vanishing to thin air.

“And you think you’re not?”

There was that same fiery edge to his tone now, his grip around your hand tightening. You try to break free from his grasp until you hear his phone ring. You were just about to use that as way to completely push him away, but he cut you off, demanding you to stay still.

“We’re not done.”

You watch him answer the call, fear on your eyes when you discovered it as your friend asking if he could pass the phone over to you just because you weren’t answering yours.

“Talk to her.” He demanded, his stern tone sending shivers all over your body when you placed his phone near your ear.

“Hey,” You greeted your friend, trying to sound as normal as you could before shying away from the way Jeno’s eyeing you right now. “Was in the shower. What’s up?”

You let your friend take-over, asking if you wanted anything from a specific shop near the nail salon she was in and had been trying so hard to get your mind out of the gutter for the past minute that seemed to flow by in forever. You found yourself stuck in the middle — part of you wanted to tell her about what you did just like that no matter what the consequences were but the other half simply haunted you, did you really want to stop? When the guilt should be burning you alive right now but for some reason, you hardly felt anything and you weren’t sure what to make of that.

“You don’t care about your friend, do you?”

“The one with stars is cute but you don’t have to— it’s okay,” You shook your head, completely missing the fact that Jeno had gotten even closer. You catch on to him before he lowers his head to the side of your face, about to murmur something.

“Stop.” With the phone away from your lips, you attempt to get away but he only holds you still, hand fixed to the curve of your waist. “Jeno—”

“Just tell me the details later!” Your friend squealed over the phone. “And tell Jeno to read my text!”

The call ended just before you could utter something but the phone from your hand was snatched away in a millisecond, suddenly finding yourself gasping when Jeno placed his knee in between your thighs, feeling you up with his clothed knee, his hand now groping your breast.

“Quit it, won’t you?” You bit your lip, hand fisting his top as he placed an open-mouthed kiss on your collarbone. “You want to run away so bad but I can see it in your eyes. You want this as much as I do so don’t lie to yourself.”

“Jeno, stop,” You begged, arousal already pulling in your underwear when he forced you to grind down on his thigh, holding all your weight up alone with just that alone. “Jeno…”

“I’ll let you go f that’s what you want.” He grunted as you began to grind on him, growing more aroused with the way you were whining, struggling on his thigh. He challenged you, even if he knew you wouldn’t be able to resist all of this.

Resist him.

You whimpered as he removed his thigh between your legs, letting you off but you don’t make a move.

“You want to go?” You could only gaze back at him, completely in trance as he grinned down at you, his sardonic expression reeling you in. “Then go.”

It didn’t take long until you finally snapped altogether, crashing yourself to him to latch your lips on his in sheer frustration, an audible groan coming from him as he nibbled your bottom lip, lifting you up, hands all over your body.

Sooner or later, you found yourselves in bed, having to have exhausted each other but there were no words shared after it all.

You weren’t even sure what to do next as you laid there beside him, watching him sleep on his back, head turned away from yours. It was then you felt your heart crumble into pieces, the immense jolt of pain suddenly waking you up from trance.

Do I really want to do this?

You left the next morning just like that, not wanting to pursue this wrong deed at all, and without a word other as you hailed a taxi. You deleted and blocked his phone number and made a plan to somehow try to avoid him and your friend for the next few months, but it wasn’t simple like that, and yet, you tried to stay away.

For the next six months, it was like that — with you and your friend slowly falling apart because you no longer shared classes for second semester and you made no amends to even see or spend time with her, having to have met other friends you shared classes with and then her, with the boys and their girls.

You were also thankful of Jeno not pursuing anything with you too. You barely saw him around due to the fact that he did sign up for more sport-related activities so naturally, he disappeared from your sight. He must have thought that it was clearly a mistake just like you did, and you fought to repent for your sins and you wished he did too.

You didn’t keep track about anything that had to do with them anymore and decided to focus on your studies like you’ve always had from the beginning to prepare yourself for graduation and university requirements. Your great efforts did pay off in the end, having to graduate with almost on top of all your classes and getting into one of your top three universities.

Life seemed great for you — quite elated for the next journey you’re bound to go on for the next two years now that senior year was over and so was the evening dinner you had to attend because it was mandatory despite wanting to opt out of it but you made sure to leave early as you had no plans to sit in the fancy banquet of a five-star hotel and “get entertained” when everyone either sat around to chill or lose themselves in the dimmed down dance floor.

By 11 pm, you bid your goodbyes to a panel of teachers, one of them being your favourite, just in the next room in the hall, then gunned down to the parking lot where you parked your car.

You dug your keys in your purse, humming to yourself when you spot someone’s slick black shoes right next to your car so you stop and blink, shifting your attention the wide plain of his familiar broad back, his white dress shirt being the only article of clothing he has on with some tailored black plants that probably cost five months worth of rent.

“Jeno.”

“Nice ride you got.” He drew the cigarette away from his lips, grey smoke hitting your face as you slowly took a step back, unable to form any coherent sentence upon realizing that he’s standing before you now. “New model too. Gift, maybe?”

You do know you’ve been trying to avoid him.

As much as you tried however, he was there, always in a crowd and you never missed a handsome face like his. He burned in the back of your head so easily, but it was too difficult to get him out no matter how many distractions you could come with, and even if most of it worked in your favour he still lived inside your head like a parasite.

A parasite you may never end up getting rid of.

“I’m going home.” Was all you said, trying to stay stoic and unaffected as he advanced to you, even more irresistable now that he’s worked out more and grew his hair a little longer, a strand from his gelled back fringe curving on his forehead and it did nothing but clench your jaw.

He was just too handsome, you were close to believing no one would be able to resist him at all, not even the new arm candy he brought as a date to dinner since your he has apparently broken up with your friend a month before graduation due to a sudden drastic change in her family’s living situation.

You soon find out she was never coming back, and apparently “long distance relationships” wasn’t Jeno’s thing.

“This early?”

There was a coy smirk on his face, cigarette resting between his lips. You stood there, liking the smell, reminding you of your father back home so naturally, you stayed where you are, feet starting to hurt from the five inch heels you regretfully wore to dinner.

“Yeah, I have work the next morning.”

He’s one step away from you now, his full attention scanning your red dress from head to toe, liking the tight fit around your soft curves. You try to stand your ground anyway, albeit about to burst into shivers from the way he narrowed his eyes to you now, blowing another puff of grey you ended up inhaling into your system as well for how damn close he’s gotten, invading your comfort zone.

“That’s a shame.” He circled around you like some sort of a predator, but without touching you until you feel him stop just inches away, his hard chest brushing against your back. “Well go on, your car is right there.”

Your breath hitched as you began to walk to your car, unlocking the back door to throw your purse into with a slam. You don’t say anything as you placed your hand on the handle, chewing on your lips as he quirked an eyebrow, wanting to know what seemed to make you look a little stressed and all tensed up.

“Your date.” You slowly met his amused gaze. “How long?”

“Didn’t sleep with her if that’s what you were wondering.” You didn’t even want to lie — the wave of relief crashed through you, engulfing you in so you let go of the handle and headed to him, letting your burning desire drag you all the way to his arms as he pulled you into a suffocating embrace. “I knew you couldn’t resist me.”

Jeno flung his cigarette off his lips to kiss you hungrily causing you to moan in his mouth, tasting the peppermint candy he’s had and the slight bitterness from the cigarette but you didn’t care.

You didn’t care until he threw you in your backseat, ripping your underwear off you so easily and gave it to you right there and then, until you were in a verge of tears, unable to think straight as you moaned his name all over again like some sort of a mantra, dragging the both of you into eternal hell.

And to hell with him it is.

[annaisabookworm]

Going to the Eras Tour with Theodore Nott head cannons.

A/n this is my first time ever writing so I’m really nervous but a little excited!

“Oh cara Mia….” Theodore’s jaw drops and his eyes turn into cartoon hearts he becomes a golden retriever when he sees you step out of the hotel bathroom in the outfit you’ve put your blood sweat in tears to, you’ve worked on it for MONTHS and learned how to sew for it.

Oh and he tells you. He won’t shut up about how good you look for FOUR HOURS your face is flushed and so so so red and he just chuckles

When you get to the stadium you of course bring all your bracelets that you’ve spent moths making and you bring hundreds of them on binder rings and Theodore’s honestly shocked to see how popular you get as soon as you show up outside the stadium

Every single swiftie compliments your outfit within minutes it seems your hundreds of bracelets have been traded and people regardless give you so many bracelets theodores arms become covered in them aswell some even ask if they can get a picture with you and you smile and nod

When you get to your seats on the floor theo smiles and laughs at your jaw drop shock

“What you didn’t think I’d get the best for mia cara” he says kissing you and giving you the biggest grin ever.

“theodore we’re in the freaking front row” your in a total state of shock it’s a bigger deal to you than if he were to be proposing.

If the day couldn’t get any better after you posted a photo of yourself at the eras tour TAYLOR FREAKING NATION reposted YOU. Theodore knew how big of a deal this was since you’ve been hyper fixated on the eras tour for weeks

You SCREAM the absolute LOUDEST during the man because during your time at Hogwarts (you’re currently a sixth year) you’ve faded a lot of unfair sexism (theo would never-) Theodore however just sat down during that song seemingly knowing his place

It’s safe to say this was the best concert of your life and you cry tears of joy during every song and lose your voice for a week after.

Theodore gathers confetti in the merch bags(he bought you everything even though you told him not to) for you while you savor the last moments

Your feet start to hurt because of the gorgeous boots you’ve worn for three hours and he picks you up as your a paper weight and carries you all the way back to the hotel despite your protests

It’s safe to say that’s the best night sleep you’ve ever had and the best night of your life

Theo is so in love with you and has the biggest smile ever on his face for you while you cuddle with him in the hotel.

In the moring Theodore is awoken with the loudest happiest scream you’ve ever had. You’ve never been so happy tears fall down your face of joy and you silently unable to speak bc of your voice show with your shaking hand the notifications from Taylor mother freaking Swift. On your Instagram is a photo of you and Theodore smiling the happiest you’ve ever been and there is a like and comment from TAYLORSWIFT13 saying “OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU! ❤️” and Theodore’s jaw drops. He knows you’ll never shut up about it ever again

“oh Merlin, you’re gonna marry me now that Taylor Swift liked a photo of us aren’t you” he says teasingly and you nod laughing silently

The end <3

[dipperscavern]

Hiiii I’ve never done this but I’ve always wanted to have my fortune told!

I’m an autistic Puerto Rican (so like Dorne lol) that has followed the Hellenistic (old Greek gods) pantheon since I was young. I’m not shy necessarily, but I do take time to observe people before I interact. My personality type is INFP-T I’m pretty sure. I lowkey have a bit of a temper when pushed but I pride myself on having extreme empathy and ability to put myself in other shoes. When I fall in love I fall hard and am deeply loyal. I’m quite politically savvy as it’s something that is one of my hyper fixation and I love history. 💕

cometh, cometh, oh servant of the gods, and see who on your fate which three fall down upon 🔮

i see… ah, yes, the man of the hour… jon snow. taking time to observe people before you interact has jon written all over it, and i think it would be funny to see you both observing each other before you even think about approaching. jon’s usual calm-ness would do wonders at dousing your temper, and your empathy, even after all you’ve been through, is the thing jon admires most about you. that after everything you are still kind. when you fall you fall hard, and jon knows everything about that. you both love hard. jon would cherish your loyalty, and your political intelligence would help take a lot of the weight off his shoulders as lord commander. lots of late nights are spent at jon’s desk, but your loyalty is unwavering, and for that he’s eternally grateful <3

[silversablinovaallday]

I'm replaying all three Spider-man games because I'll be honest... I've lost the hyper fixation but I really do want to complete my Sable fanfic. I'm really sorry it's been so long. After my medical scare a few years back, the pandemic hit and just curb stomped all of my motivation. I had gone from working 25 hours a week to over 60 and it was all spent doing retail where people were screaming at me for nothing. I guess it just killed all of my energy.

When the second game came out, I really hoped that I would fall in love again and it would rekindle my love of my fanfic but it didn't. I didn't really like Spider-man 2 if I'm being honest. But it did make me want to replay the first one which still holds a place in my heart.

I hope to someday finish my fic but so much has changed, I don't know if anyone would even like it anymore. But even so, I see all of your comments and I read all your DMS asking me to finish it. I'm sorry I've ghosted this fandom for so long. Please know that I am trying. I promise.

[m0th-er]

Don’t quote me but I think I have the total death count for Limited Life. This goes up to session three bc I can’t predict the future but I’m sure as hell gonna try at the end of this post.

I got my list by watching a few perspectives and double checking the life series wiki (session three isn’t up at this time)

ENOUGH SAID SPOILERS AHEAD FOR SESSION THREE but only if u care about the death count since I’m not gonna talk about how anyone died.

Also this is in order of most to least deaths, I’ll also include some predictions after the list.

Skizz - 4 deaths (yellow)

Scar - 4 deaths (yellow)

Jimmy - 4 deaths (yellow)

Cleo - 3 deaths (yellow)

Martin - 3 deaths (yellow)

Grian - 3 deaths (yellow)

Joel - 3 deaths (yellow)

Pearl - 2 deaths (yellow) :-(

Impulse - 1 death (green)

Big B - 1 death (yellow)

Bdubs - 1 death (green)

Etho - 1 death (green)

Scott - 0 deaths (green)

Tango - 0 deaths (green)

These are the current death counts! I the only one I’m not sure about is Joel but I’m certain these are all correct. Feel free to correct me tho

OK PREDICTION TIME: my reasoning is biased and unfounded (probably)

- Tangos gonna make it to the end this time, he’s angered the least amount of people and he is one of the TWO players who haven’t died.

- I think due to scar being so chaotic and murder happy, as well as being accident prone has the biggest target and is more likely to go out before Jimmy. I do know he’s gotten some time back but it’s not enough to push him up to green especially if certain people go yellow next session.

- I do genuinely believe in Jimmy not being first out this time I feel like he’s more careful this time round but he’s still a wet cat so who knows.

- since Scott has the most time and will be the last to turn yellow he currently has the highest chance to win. Scott is under the “good at the game” category and is pretty good at strategy so I like his chances.

- Etho will only die to creepers no one will get an Etho kill. It’s for the best. Ethos also under the same category as Scott so I can see Etho making it to finals again.

-strategically I think this season you would want to be the boogie man. It’s provided so much extra time and it’s why certain people are better off (Scott) being boogie since it adds so much to your life.

I think Scott and bdubs have the most time rn as well since they would be tied if bdubs didn’t loose to skizz in session 2

Logically that makes sense but knowing this series logic is out the door. I want Jimmy to make it out of spite but I have a solid route for Tango.

Since no one else seemed to be as concerned about the death count as I am this season I’ll update the list

Can y’all tell this is my hyper fixation?? I spent an hour explaining the life series to my partner, who has no idea what I’m even talking about.

[whiteshoespinklaces]

Getting hyper fixated on a random steam game is lowkey so embarrassing because like what the fuck do you mean i watched videos about it for like two weeks finally decided to download it and then spent three hours straight building a tiny little town, no achievements, no nothing, just a silly little village building game that i am now addicted to.

[kittyphoenix12-xx]

sorry the bookshop i volunteer at got a huge warrior cat donation and my hyper fixation slammed into me so fast that i spent the entire three hours explaining the plot to the other (middle age) employees

[stevishabitat]

***

People were definitely getting weird in the notes so I'm going to make my own post.

I vividly remember a period in 2007-2008 when I was deep into hand pies. Basically any type of food that involved savory fillings inside pastry. So like, calzones, pasties, samosas, pierogis, dumplings, gyoza, turnovers, forfar bridie, knishes, stromboli, strudels, arepas, pupusas, Jamaican patties, empanadas, even hot pockets & pizza rolls, lol.

I spent days researching the history of these things in different cultures. I wrote dozens of blog posts. I went to the library. I went to international grocery stores to get different types of pastries. I watched hours of videos online. I cooked. So much. I made the worst pastries known to mankind.

My spouse got tired of it. My family didn't want to hear about it anymore. My coworkers stopped asking about what I'd brought for lunch because I would give them the whole history of the thing I'd made. During work, I was drafting blog posts and writing research plans and ideas on post-it notes so I wouldn't forget before I got home.

It was.... One of the most bonkers hyper fixations I have ever experienced. And to this day, those brain connections are still there and I have randomly infodumped on people when the topic comes up even obliquely. My kiddo, born years later, knows about it. My family is like "don't get them started" if the subject comes up.

It was just as strong as many of my fandom interests.

One of the things I look forward to every year is a particular festival where there's a pasty truck so I can get my annual authentic Cornish pasty. I can tell you where in two Missouri cities to find Jamaican patties, pierogis and other hand pie variations. Whenever I travel, I keep my eyes open for the opportunity to try different kinds.

I don't consider it like an ongoing special interest, per se. But it does kind of lie dormant and then pop up and it's like getting to hang out with an old friend I haven't seen in awhile. Similar to my childhood horse interest, it can flare to life at times and be like visiting a beloved old home. Feels like a comforting blanket.

Do NT people misuse and misunderstand the terms hyperfixation and special interest? Oh absolutely.

But I wouldn't discount the squash interest just because it's... squash.

Just recently I did a deep dive on squashes/gourds/melons/cucumbers (Cucurbitaceae family) what they're called in different languages, how various cultures group them (fruits, vegetables, other?). Growing habits and agricultural history, which ones can be hybridized, nutritional values, etc.

It was a short little thing, but by the end of the car trip my family was pretty tired of the conversation. And I was buzzing, lol. During work that day, I definitely plotted out where I could grow various varieties in my garden and put some seeds on a wishlist. Made a spreadsheet. Got out my Sioux Chef cookbook to see what was on there about squash and Three Sisters planting. Y'all... I don't even like squash, and I have a mild allergy to melons! There is zero practical reason for me to care At All about growing squash.

I don't think NT people really understand that the topic isn't important and even the external signs that other people see isn't important. Those of us who experience hyperfixations and special interests know the internal signs and what it feels like to be In That Thing for however long it lasts. It's about what it does to our brain and body. It's a physical experience.

And you never know and can't predict what topic might trigger it. Dear lord I once gave an impassoned lecture to a guy who was helping a neighbor move about rain gardens and restorative agriculture/permaculture and native gardening. I was so glad the neighbor was moving out because I'd never have to see the guy again. He'd just happened to ask an innocent question in the midst of a hyperfixation and the infodump was.... extreme. I realized later that the guy had tried to extricate himself several times and I'd botched it badly.

Idk where I'm going with this other than to say have mercy on the ND folks in the world and our "weird" interests. We don't mean to be weird or bore you to death. But the brain buzz we get from things sometimes overrides everything we've ever learned about appropriate social behavior and conversation. And sometimes we're really tired because we stayed up all night feeding a hyperfixation and now we're cranky.

[onlyhereforghost]

So a little something from me…

I grew up an only child, with a mother and a step father. I was, at times, babied, and at other times, pushed to be an adult before I needed to be. My mother was not an affectionate woman, my step father made it clear he didn’t care much for me, despite him being in my life since I was around three or four years old.

My familial love came from my grandparents whom I adored.

Both my parents put career before me. My mother worked full time, roughly 60-70 hours a week. My step father spent six months of the year working abroad. I ended up living with my grandparents as a result.

When I was 12, my mother was seriously injured at work, which meant she could no longer go to work, and I ended up moving back into my parents home. That same year my grandfather died. I lost my best friend and biggest supporter when he passed. My extended family also fractured, my mother fell out with her sister, and they never spoke again after this falling out.

I spent the rest of my mother’s life seeking approval from both her and my step father, basically begging for crumbs of affection. I had a child at 24. I wanted somebody to love me. My parents tried to take my child from me. I’m glad to say my kid and I have an incredible relationship and that even tho he’s now 21 he is still at home with me. (He drives me up the wall sometimes but I love him unconditionally, and I tell him I love him everyday)

My mother died six years ago. All I have left is the step father who hated me. We have a strained relationship at best. I still seek his approval even in my 40’s, and he still treats me like I’m stupid.

So… Ghost.

This band entered my life during a time when my depression was BAD. And suddenly, things seemed a little less dark. My son also loved them. I discovered them through him. “You like rock music mum, try this band Ghost…” “I dunno kid, your musical taste is questionable at best…” He wasn’t wrong, I immediately fell in love with the music. Prequelle had me in a choke hold even tho by this point Impera had been out a couple of months.

Then I discovered THE LORE. Oh boy, hello rabbit hole, my name is Alice, let’s go explore! (My name isn’t Alice. It just worked for this narrative).

Copia. My beloved Copia. I see so much of myself in his story. His desperation to be loved. His eagerness for approval. His lack of familial bonds. His hyper-fixations. The happy silly mask he wears for others when inside he feels like crying.

I learned about Tobias and his story too. How he lost a family member he adored at a young impressionable age. How he had family who disapproved (his father and step mother) and how he constantly pushed himself to create something that would bring people happiness.

This band mean everything to me. They are my happy place. They’ve brought people into my life who I love and adore and would fight tooth and nail for. (Looking at you @callmemamaemeritus )

In the end, when Tobias said Ghost fans seem to be lonely, in my case he was right. I think a lot of Ghost fans are a little broken, a little battle scarred, we’ve been through some shit in our lives. But then we found Ghost. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been a fan since Opus or found them on TikTok, this is a solid fandom (90% of the time, there’s always people who try and ruin it, I ignore those people). This fandom is sweet, and loving, and kind, and all kinds of talented - look at the art! Look at the fanfic! The cosplay! SO. MUCH. TALENT.

All this to say, thank you OP for your observations about the movie. Thank you Ghost for existing.

Thank you Tobias for giving me a family. For giving me the love and respect and affection I spent my whole life chasing.

Thankyou Copia. You will always be MY Papa.

(And if you read this whole rant of mine you’re a real one and deserve a cookie. So go get one. 🍪)

RHRN spoilery talk

(about grief and mental health and the ending, the way I see the movie and why I love it so much)

I am feeling so many things about the fact that Copia was so unwell and anxious during the movie, trying to push away the reality of the end of his time as Papa as well as the visible signs of illness in Sister, that he dissociated the moment he stepped off stage, that he saw her sitting in a regular chair instead of the wheelchair, blended out the doctors and IV bags to see her how he wanted to see her, this strong powerful woman who has been by his side, pushing him, and who he only recently learned was his actual mother. It is so very easy to get lost in your anxiety about the future, in the anticipatory grief of what you'll lose, struggling to stay mindful and here where you have actual power over your life.

And looking back at the chapters this is what he has been doing, clinging to his little comforts (think of the whipped cream moment in the movie vs. the video games, the tricycle rides, the movie scene re-enactments), pushing away unwanted thoughts (not doing his taxes, the fact that neither his father nor his mother openly admitted to the parentage despite all signs being there, letting him float in uncertainty), playing it off like he's cool about everything while feeling dread and anxiety on the inside the closer he comes to the end of his era and presumed death (think of the coffin scene, the intro to the movie).

This man had no family so he picks role models that are close to him and suddenly when he learns that they were family all along he loses them, learns that he has been lied to most of his life and worked hard for others, to fill their shoes (first his father, now his mother). Despite Nihil treating him awfully he continuous to try and reach for approval for his achievements which he does not even get by the end as he's promoted ("I hope this new guy doesn't disappoint like you did"). He will never get emotional fulfilment from his father despite having small bonding moments, something that is fucking hard to accept and that he brushes off by throwing silly insults at him because it hurts. Because yeah, this is the type of pain that makes you feel like a child searching for breadcrumbs of affection from parents who do not know how to meet your emotional needs.

I feel just incredibly seen by all of this, the grief, dealing with sick relatives, emotional neglect, absent fathers you try to get love from but never will, lack of familial support, depression, trying to hold on to what comforts you in the darker moments, struggling to stay present in the face of anxiety and the world at large. I know this plot means little to some people, that you'd wished for more drama or something different altogether, but I feel like if you paid attention to the chapters then this is only the natural progression, the natural conclusion of his arc. It is very raw if you look past the comedic relief, and it is very well done in a way that keeps the campy, silly vibes of the chapters while still approaching these subjects in a very tangible, relatable way. It just makes me love the band even more.

[tarynkurt]

a few records and a few parties

mondays are always the stangest day to find oneself, and while i still somehow entertain this lifestyle of study, creative practise and very little of my normal 'job' i am greeted with a different wave of emotions every time we have a new week. such an arbitrary distinction, but i guess we need these things.

the thing is i never really allow myself the full rest day - sunday i have the studio booked so i am always focused, even if i can start late because the night before i was up late with whatever nonsense i found myself in, i will continue in that space until it is a few hours into monday already. so now it is already nearly noon in the next week and i don't want to leave bed, i need some recovery time, type away and compose should i need to, but allow me the comfort of my duvet and mattress for a few more hours.

man, that takes me back.

i used to make every beat, every photo edit, every piece of code, write every entry to my journal on my bed. it was just my place of peace and focus; maybe this is how the difficulty with sleep came about. i'm grateful living in this house made me change my lifestyle. kitting out the living room with my entire 'studio' set-up gave so much more freedom to work outside of my sleeping area, so that i can preserve the place in which i must rest with all the sanctity that is required of it.

this place has taught me so much. i'll be heartbroken to go, but as they say the next will be better in its own way. more things to fall in love with and discover.

i'm graduating university next month, and am faced with the final deadlines that will define my time spent in this institution. pressure, yes. blend this with the constant over-bearing search for employment to apply myself outside of this hospitality shit i found myself using to survive over the past few years, the ever-growing need for my creative expression in the dozen or two medias that resonate with me, most notably the musical project i have been fighting to form for years. and, of course, my youth and its waves. i have the urge to party again, to wear sport fits and dance for ten hours, move freely and enjoy myself. as one should, i think.

these things all come in phases.

i'm not sure how to play off the change of branding and expression that i have gone through, and will have to be exhibited in my changing portfolio of sounds.

bones represents the door closing on my entrance to musicianship, hand in hand with the nature of self, dressed in my shirts and my trench, as my main point of rediscovery when i came to this city.

but now i have the other acoustics, with the ambient tracks between and whatever rocky/indie experimentation i can blend in. i find myself dressed in black and white, three stripes or a tick adorned on top of my enormous trousers, chains and rings. i have gone into my next phase of expression, and like the chameleon i am have become re-immersed in the movements of those around me. i want to feel alive.

that's who you met, i'm afraid.

changing constantly with the wind, tied to nothing but my own hyper-fixations and fascinations, changing my tongue and dress and hair and the very way i walk and move myself, every month, bit by bit i morph into the next point of study. i must experience it all, as best i can.

despite the weariness upon my health, i steadily try and take myself to a stronger and more stable position - even in the face of the madness of party i feed myself and rest appropriately. most of the time.

it's all a balance. especially hard when the supplementary career has me doing jobs like the ivors, with 18 hours of set-up and de-rig for this ridiculous sound system. we really do live in something so immensely surreal. alas, we keep striving.

french new wave is inspiring me a lot. maybe i seem more and more pretentious by the day, but i think we just go through progressions and studies of things, and over time if one wants to find more and more complex and specific understandings in art and life, one must go more and more niche and seem more and more 'annoying'. it's just how you portray it i suppose.

our desires can teach us a whole lot. much of my music seems to be figuring these things out, questioning who i am, how i am here and what has drawn me to such movements. i'm just searching for peace.

maybe i ought to go deeper, take some time from always narrowing on my projects and get inspired. didn't i tell you already, this is the most pivotal point of reference. you must get inspired.

maybe i should learn more from our obsession with sex. it is beautiful, really. it requires a great deal of rationality though; something that often is impossibly missing from the equation.

maybe i should practise my skills more. does it still feel aimless and lost? like throwing darts to the board blindfolded, seeing what may stick?

sometimes. but i think we develop it all in good time, and we must just be patient.

these little videos in my phone show a thousand people and more, seemingly all at mastery, blended in their aesthetics perfectly, standing tall on their craft and somehow portraying it to millions. they've been trying for a long time, all power to them. i shall figure out how to show myself in these social bubbles more, but frankly i prefer how my craft comes together, even if it has its deep doubts at times.

i am raw. remember this as the usp that allows me to say what i need to with 0 adulteration or confusion. everything i do is to be a complete and direct expression from within, rough around the edges, filled with cracks and chips, unpolished, but true. my study of the imperfections seem to be what gives it so much depth and gravitas.

one can hope, at least.

each day i hone in closer.

i don't think this project has to be perfect, or anywhere near it. i would love to blend the genres further, add another dozen songs and push it to oblivion, but already i've had to be so strict and cut away what is not absolutely essential. you'll have time to do many more, so let each piece speak for itself.

my little guitar and i must say a few more things before i dissolve into complete electronic madness.

that is when sludge brown will be seen with frank LAsex, and the blur of experimental screams and sonics will come together into something worthwhile.

like i said, my friend, it's just patience.

i think i go crazy thinking of how much i am to do, how fast i must do it, why i'm not working more and more, and why it's not out yet.

naturally.

things are sounding well. and given the point i'm at in everything, i am doing incredibly well. though i am struggling to give myself to those that need me consistently. i really am the leaf in the wind.

one day at a time :)

[signed-sapphire]

The Fallen Star ✨

A Wish rewrite

Scrapped Act I— Prologue (comic)

Warnings: implied death, shitty picture quality I’m sorry the brush gets messed up when sending files over from my iPad

Masterpost | Next (coming soon, hopefully)

Sooooo I tried a comic? The monochrome coloring like C.A.S. is definitely easier, although this brush is screwed up when sending the files over from my iPad… will have to look into a different brush. But other than the terrible quality, I think it turned out pretty good?

I tried out a purple-toned line art color.. not sure if it works with the greyscale.

But I mean I definitely enjoyed it… I spent three hours hyper fixating on it today when I should’ve been studying….

Shit mate when I tell you Magnifico was HARD TO DRAW. Amaya was manageable bc I redesigned her a bit (Tzipporah was my first ever animated crush, LET ME SIMP) but Maggie…

I need some help redesigning him, btw! Any tips are appreciated, as well as any feedback in general about the whole thing. I’ve never done a comic before. It’s fun, though a LONG process

Also how tf do you draw a goat

[ifhehadbeenwithmeblog]

Pages 338-389

Since Autumn and Jamie’s breakup, Finny has been around every day to make sure she’s okay. Autumn feared she’d one day impulsively call Jamie just to yell at him, but Finny insisted she is to come over and read in his room while he plays video games, that way he holds the opportunity to preclude her from calling Jamie. Finny is reaching great lengths to take care of Autumn. I firmly believe that he never perceived Jamie as a guy deserving of Autumn and awaited their breakup, despite his relationship with Sylvie still moving steady. Since she’s spending three months in Europe, he has the ability to spend every day with Autumn excluding interruptions. Their relationship is healing after the distance that followed the kiss in 8th grade, patching up the wound that resulted in their endurance of the two separate, far away worlds. This situation is a reminder that distance makes the heart grow fonder. The absence of someone loved and cared about allows for a memory reel to occur and spin around our minds, reminding us how much we love and miss them, and the realization of how we aren't truly aware of what we have before it’s gone.

In the middle of the night, Autumn’s phone buzzes with the words “Guinevere Angel 3:46 am 7 lbs 2 oz visting hours tomorrow 1-6.” Finny accompanies her visit to the maternity ward for both offering a ride and moral support due to Jamie’s presence in the hospital room. Autumn and Finny admire the small bundle of joy cradled in Autumn’s arms, before giving her to Finny to hold. Autumn falls in love with the sight of Finny holding something so vulnerable, and comes to a realization: “I never, never felt this way about Jamie, even at the best of times.” This new awareness emphasizes that true love can and will be discovered again after a heartbreak.

Their summer days consist of staying out late and sleeping past breakfast time, with most of the time spent driving around with the windows down as the wind blows in Autumn’s hair. Their late-night adventurous endeavors consist of drive-thrus and twenty-four hour grocery stores. When you’re in love, it’s the person that matters, not the place. 

I can relate to Autumn within her passion for writing. She’s been working on a novel of her own that Finny always begs to see, but she refuses and says it’s private before giving in and allowing a “maybe.” As the reader myself, I wondered what Autumn was writing about as well.

Jack, Finny’s best friend, began to spend time with the duo. When Jack and Autumn found themselves alone, Jack insisted that Autumn do not “mess with his his head again,” referring to Finny, and that it took him “forever” to get over her. I was more shocked than Autumn was. Their feelings for each other were mutual, Finny kissed Autumn not because he wanted to just kiss a girl, he was in love with her, but I can see that Autumn was blinded by her own insecurities to realize it. This is the epitome of missing the chances we don’t take. If Autumn hadn’t allowed her insecurity stop her from realizing she is worth being loved by Finny, they would’ve been  Autumn finally admitted to herself that she is in love with Finny. “I want him to break up with Sylvie. I want him to be in love with me. Like a movie montage I can’t stop, scenes from the summer fly through my mind.” This is the realization that she has a need to be needed by Finny and doesn’t feel as if it’s too late, and that Finny is more than just a summer thing. He is her everything.

Autumn’s novel is finally completed and releases her guard in order for Finny to give it his long awaited read. This is also the moment the actual reader of ‘If He Had Been With Me’ finds out the piece of work that had kept Autumn hyper-fixated on its completion.

As I had suspected, she had written about her relationship with Finny. How it had always been perfect their entire lives, until the fateful kiss made Autumn run like a scared little girl. I wish their relationship didn’t endure the deep bump in the road. I loved Finny, I loved Autumn, I loved Finny for Autumn and everything I had hoped for since the start of the book had finally started to happen.

Finny was well aware the novel was a fictional adaptation of himself and Autumn and felt lachrymose post-read. He confronted Autumn about eighth grade: “Why did you leave? We did not just grow apart Autumn.” He is adamant, yet apologetic. He is feeling regret for scaring her away and kissing her when she wasn’t ready, and like I started in a previous blog post, Autumn allowed her tendency to self-deprecate when she called herself selfish. A lesson I learned myself is communication is the bedrock, the foundation, of all successful relationships. Lack of communication can ruin something special, just because the pride that stops us from saying how we feel.

Autumn and Finny ultimately kiss, finally. The moment they got together felt like fireworks glimmering around me, the childhood best friends to lovers trope is always the most beautiful read. Their kiss eventually escalates to Autumn losing her virginity to him. After four years of hesitating with Jamie, she didn’t think twice when it came down to Finny. She felt safe, secure, comfortable. “It’s you and me now, right?” Finny asked Autumn, implying that they are boyfriend and girlfriend. I remembered that him and Sylvie are technically together still, and that he cheated on her with Autumn. However, I don’t believe Finny would do the same infidelity to Autumn; they’re different. Sylvie was to return from Europe the next day but insists on breaking up with her in person rather than on the phone since he’s afraid of hurting her or being too brutal. This was the most crucial mistake Finny was to make in the longevity of his life.

The next day, he leaves to break up with Sylvie as it begins to rain during the sunset.

Later in the night, Autumn hears footsteps in the hallway, and calls “Finny?” before perceiving the sight of her mother in tears. I was not prepared for the next chapter.

“On August 8, Phineas Smith died.” He was in the car with Sylvie arguing, before the rain began to pour like buckets out of the sky, resulting in his car spinning out and crashing into a pole. Sylvie and Finny both live, however Sylvie flew out of the car during the accident because she wasn’t wearing a seatbelt. Finny, the empath he is, leaps out of the car to check on Sylvie before stepping into a puddle electrified by the telephone pole, becoming electrocuted, and then dying. Of all the books I’ve read involving death, this was the worst one. Finny didn’t deserve to die at 18. He deserved to go to medical school like he dreamed of. He deserved to marry Autumn and be happy for the rest of his life. If he had been with Autumn, he wouldn’t have died.

After his death, I began to worry about Autumn and Aunt Angelina. It’s fall now, but feeling more brass than the gold glow of autumn. Her depression overconsumes her, resorting to suicide. Autumn attempted to end her life in Finny’s room, believing he will forgive her.

Grief is the most overwhelming feeling someone can endure. Like Autumn, I had a difficult time adjusting to life without someone you love. My mind turned into a complex, my thoughts felt attacked as I coped with the emotional pain. Securing the damage is challenging, but after Autumn’s attempt, I saw a fight left in her.

Her suicide failed, and she woke up in the hospital. After a series of tests, it was concluded that Autumn is safe, stable, and pregnant with Finny’s baby. Bringing this new life into the world was a method of keeping Finny alive, and if she attempted again, she knew Finny wouldn’t forgive her. The book closes with Autumn stating “...for the first time in years, I feel like things are going to turn out the way they were always meant to be.”

I’m proud of Autumn for not attempting again and following through with the pregnancy to keep Finny alive. The book introduced an angsty teenager who wore tiaras and ripped knee socks, to a girl who had grown into the best version of herself. It was left to my imagination to decipher what the rest of her life will be like. She’ll raise her and Finny’s child with the guidance of Aunt Angelina and her mother. She’ll move to New York to write like she had always dreamed of, and wear the black turtlenecks while sipping coffee in a cafe. A memoir will be published, consisting of her entire life with Finny. And finally, she will find love and comfort in someone else again.

This book was one of the most impactful stories I’ve ever read, shining a light on all adolescent issues in society today, such as relationships, depression, suicide, friendship, and family, all in between two covers.

Vocabulary:

Clique: a small group of people, with shared interests or other features in common, who spend time together and do not readily allow others to join them.

Constricts: make narrower, especially by encircling pressure.

Montage: a sequence of film made using the technique of montage.

[gregrulzok]

Wow I didn't really think there'd be any interest !!

Here's a link to the Google doc ! @indigopurple @gansosuelto @uchanuku

A few things to keep in mind:

• I'd suggest re-watching the episode before you read it, as it very much assumes you've already seen it

• This was written in a hyper fixation rush. It's not reader-optimised, so I didn't edit the grammar, I didn't add tl;drs, it might be a pain to slog through

• On a related note, I very much have a tendency to tread and re-read ground. You're basically seeing my raw thinking process here, which unfortunately tends to be fairly repetitive, so it might be a bit of a boring or exhasparating read. Sorry bout that

• If you DO get through it please gimme feedback please please please please please please plea

Honestly if even one person reads it through fully I'll consider my three hours well spent

I have now written a 12-page, 6000+ word analysis of the AT episode Hall of Egress.

I don't know who I am anymore.

[monsterqueers]

Please accept my catgirl alignment chart

[thealternatemind]

adhd is simultaneously my weakness and my strength