#but i know my followers probably dont care

[zours025]

I am not finishing this because im fucking lazy so take this now too okay!!!

Alts and the like under here + One amputee iggy stump (???) warning IDK1!!!11!

[katiascraft]

𝄞⨾𓍢ִ໋ "Maybe i should've told you i miss you. But i don't know if you feel the same" | OP81 ✧₊⁺

parings: oscar piastri x singer!reader

summary: your insecurities lead to lose the love of your life, but destiny always play its worst (or best) cards for you. in the aftermath of it all, two souls become one (again). or that's what you'd like.

inspired by: gracie abrams music ⤦

⟢ ‘almost said I miss you’ EP: tracklist

➥ track 1 - mean it

➥ track 2 - stay

➥ track 3- I miss you, I’m sorry

word count: 6k.

warnings: angst. and a little fluff. mentions of insecurieties, trauma and depression. not a native english speaker so there could be (so many) erros. not proofread.

MASTERLIST

「 ✦ The ticking clock ✦ 」

You took a deep breath. Your hands were shaking and your stress levels were at their peak.

“You are always picking fights, y/n. I'm tired, "Oscar said, clearly annoyed. Is not that you always fought or had a toxic relationship, no. but lately, things got harder between you two. Stupid fights now and then. Dead silence that creeps you out everytime. Coldness was the new dynamic you had going on. And it hurts.

Everyday hurts lately.

“Oscar, I'm not always picking fights. For fucks sake, just wanted to know why you are so cold all the time to me!” you didn't want to raise your tone but desperation never took the best out of you. He was shocked, his head disapproving. Probably done with all of this. Done with you. You didn't want to admit it but maybe it was true. 

“I'm not being cold to you, y/n. I already explained it to you: I'm tired. My job it's complicated enough to come home to be even more complicated. Just stop” he said leaving the kitchen, leaving you behind hanging in your words. That made you so you followed him down to the living room. 

“Oscar, don't leave me talking alone, please! Why do you always have to run away? I have feelings actually you know? I would love to express them to my lover so we can have a proper conversation, what do you think about that?”

“y/n, bullshit. Don't act like I'm a monster who doesn't listen to you. If i didnt we wouldn't have this argument. Stop playing the victim for once. You don't hear me out either anyway” he gritted his teeth trying not to follow you down with your anger. He didn't want to raise his voice towards you. 

“Playing victim? You're an impossible oscar. I only asked you a fucking question, what did i do wrong for you to ignore me and act so cold? And you said you're just tired and that's bullshit” you were so angry by now. Offended. Hurt by his words. Hurt by the fact you were happy once and now everything is falling apart. You never hurt this deep before. 

“It's not!” he couldn't anymore with all of this. He didn't want to raise his voice but you made him feel exasperated. “You see? You don't trust me! Im telling you im just tired and you say its bullshit and then you play the victim card that i dont listen to you and im a fucking monster? I see how things go now. I'm done” he didn't even want to look at you. He just sat on the sofa looking at the floor. But you heard what he said under his breath. What you were most scared of what’s happening. 

You started crying out of desperation, anxious that all of this was gonna end right there and then. You just left him there and went back to the kitchen as if that way he wouldn't see nor hear you crying. You just couldn't keep talking or being around him. Your heart was sinking.

He sighed frustrated and stood up sprinting to his studio and banging the door. You gasped hearing the door closing so violently. No that he noticed what he said. Nor that he cared you thought he didnt care you anymore, that was for sure. 

(...)

You haven't talked to Oscar since yesterday. He didn't sleep at your shared apartment. He said he didn't want to see you. That hurt a lot. Your heart was already broken. You didn't know what to do anymore. You've been on this rabbit hole for several months. You didn't understand what broke between you or when it was. You felt confused, lonely and scared. What would your whole life be without him? Once, you only wrote love songs because what you felt for him was beyond what your body could handle so you needed to take it out. Now, you didn't write anything for months. You felt too much sadness, it felt like you didn't feel anything at all. Just emptiness. 

You were playing with your food, not really that hungry that you thought you would be. Another night alone without him. Would life be like this when he gets rid of me? I don't wanna leave. 

The doorbell rang. You frowned, not sure who it could be knowing it was almost 10pm and I couldn't sleep (just as yesterday and every time you had an argument with him). You looked through the little visor of the door seeing your boyfriend was back home. But telling from the look on his face, things wouldn't be better anyway. You opened the door after taking a deep breath not sure if you would survive another fight. 

You two just looked at each other for a few seconds. Probably analyzing how you were feeling now that 2 days have passed by. Neither of you smiled. Not that you had the energy or a reason to anymore. You moved from the door so he could get into the apartment and closed the door once he was in. 

“Did I wake you up?” he asked quietly. You swallowed hard not knowing what to say by this point.

“I can't sleep since you are gone, so. No, you didn't” you didn't want to sound cold, especially after you fought because he was acting like that with you,but you felt like shit and didnt have energy to pretend you were okay with it all. You felt miserable. He nodded without saying a word and looked at the floor for a moment. 

After a moment of really uncomfortable silence you broke it with something you didn't even think would slip out your mouth “are you seeing someone else, oscar?” your words cut through him as if they were sharp glass pieces just thrown directly at him. 

“What?” He was surprised and hurt that you thought about him like that. You shrug.

“I mean, it's not that you don't kiss me anymore, so.and i think you're not tired because of your job, i think you're just bored of me, tired of me, done with me” you sat on the kitchen table again. He followed you there but stayed standard. He was confused and hurt now. 

“When did I ever say that to you?” he was tired of all of this, for sure. But he wanted to make things work with you. He just didn't know how to.  It was hard for him to understand you, but he was trying. He finally sat in front of you staring at your plate. It was full, you kept playing with your doodles, pretending to eat like you used to. He felt so guilty for all of this. He knew at that moment. That he broke you. He didn't know how or when but he did. His face softened in sadness.

“You said it. You said you were done and you know what? I get it. I mean, it's not as if I am easy to love. I know I'm complicated and a pain in the ass for everyone so I wouldn't be surprised if you found someone else that makes you happy for real and you don't wanna tell me out of pity. I'm ready to hear it though. Just say it” your voice was empty and plain no emotion detected just numbness. He didn't want to think it was too late. It Has been a long time since he has seen you like this. At that time it wasn't him who made you feel like it. 

“I didn't mean to say it, y/N. I Was tired because of work and fighting with you. I don't like fighting with you. I wanna make things right, please. I wouldn't ever do that to you, you know it” he explained desperate for a moment. He wanted you to believe him. But your face didn't say anything. He couldn't read you and made him scared. You looked unbothered, way far gone now.  

You shook your head “i know you mean it and i know you are tired, but i don't think you really want to be with me anymore” your sincerity cut like a knife in both of you. Like, you over thought a lot about it but it still hurt. He was lost and didn't know what was going on anymore or was going through all of that. “You didn't deny it either” you continued.

“I'm not with anyone else, y/N, please” he cut you off with his deep voice, kind of cracky now. 

(...) 

You just didn't know how you ended up moaning his name once more. His mouth is in your centre. His hands are grabbing your tights. Your fingers on his hair.

How easy is it, right? To love someone. One moment, you destroy them.. Then, you fix them with makeup sex. Making them see the stars so they forget how shitty things are. So that pleasure it's more important than gentle affection. Always pretending to be sane then doing insane shit like this as if memory didn't exist when it came to you and him. As if feeling him inside you was the only thing that could fix your mind. That it was the only way to communicate properly. As if it was your love language, then ignore each other. 

His hands of your body grabbing you as if you were about to break and he was trying to keep all of your pieces together. As if he could save you or your relationship that was already 10 feet down buried. He would like to think sex could fix it. That it was the best way to communicate if then you didn't trust him. He was hurt and you didn't trust him. You were hurt because he didn't love you anymore. Unfortunately, your minds couldn't agree. You were the love of his life, he wanted to help and make you trust him. But you just didn't, you already convinced yourself he didn't love you anymore and that everyone was better than you. He wanted a team when you just wanted to run away from him. Or from yourself?

「 ✦ Destruction ✦ 」

“I'm done with you for real, y/n! Everytime an important day comes for me, you just like to ruin it!” He was mad as hell. Fed up with all your bullshit. 

“You really think I do it on purpose? oscar! “ He left the room so you started following him around your shared apartment. “I wouldn't if you didn't ignore like you always do! I don't know what to do anymore! Nothing seems enough for you!” you started crying out. Your heart couldn't take it anymore and this time it felt different. So much different than any time before.

“Why is it always my fault? Why am I always the one doing something wrong? The only thing you do is complain about me and then you just want me to kiss you?! You are insane!” His words cut you deep, so deep you thought they cut you in half and you were nothing anymore. You couldn't breathe for a moment. He called you insane just the way your parents made you feel your whole life. Maybe they were right after all. You deserved all of those years in a psychiatric hospital. You deserved even when he

 was the first one to say your parents were monsters and you were more than okay. More than normal. More than lovable. How ironic, right?You wanted to laugh but couldn't. You just couldn't move. 

Oscar realised what he said. He knew when he saw you. He felt terrible at that moment.

“Look, y/n i-” you cut him not wanting to listen to him anymore. 

“Dont talk” you said shaky under your breath. You had to sit down on the sofa because you felt you were about to faint. In shock - a lot of moments of your relationship replayed in your head. How could someone who said he loved you more than anything and anyone, end up thinking just as your parents? It was your fault. Of course it was. How could you ever think someone would love you? You were miserable. How can someone love a miserable person? 

Oscar started breathing heavily and he had to sit on the floor trying to calm down. He is always so collected and rational, these kinds of feelings he had never experienced, not even with his ex. 

“We can't be together Oscar, I make you miserable. And you're right. I'm insane, how could someone love me right? No one wants to deal with my bullshit, not even myself” you said quietly. His throat closed for a moment. He remained in silence for a few seconds processing your words. You didn't look at each other, you couldn't. Guess this was it. How sad, right? Oscar started crying realizing what was about to come.

“I promise y/N, I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it that way. You aren't hard to love, actually the opposite. But yeah, i don't think this is working for us anymore whether i like it or not” he said wiping his tears away of his face as he could. 

You nodded even though you didn't hear a word he said. It was over. Your life is over.

「 ✦ time heals it all, right? ✦ 」

It's been exactly 8 months and 25 days since you and Oscar were not together anymore. Yes, you had a countdown. You created it to see how far you’ll survive because you didn't believe you would last this much. You thought your life was over and for a few weeks it was. You didn't get out of bed. The break up depression, i guess. Your friends suggested you go back to therapy because they were really worried about you and your mental health. They knew how much Oscar meant to you: he was your everything. And to be honest, that was your first mistake going into the relationship with him. 

You shouldn't have made him your everything because you were nothing suddenly when you left. You didn't know who you were without him, what you liked or what you would like to be. All of your future plans had him in them. There wasn't a future without him. He was everywhere in your life. You shaped your destiny around him. You wanted to get married and have kids with him. And you never wanted to be a mother but he had changed that until he was gone. 

You couldn't go back to dating. You tried but failed every time. You were a little too afraid to get hurt again. You had to work through your insecurities and traumas first. There was a lot of your history that needed to be let go. You needed to go through really ugly times in your past to find some perspective. Forgive yourself, putting yourself first, understanding yourself. You just worked on knowing you and becoming the person you always wanted. 

And you grew and changed so much. You felt proud of yourself. You started writing again. Creating was the best way to mourn your relationship with Oscar alongside your old self that left him. To mourn that part of you that is gone forever. Creating was what kept you sane all this time. What brought you back to life. You wrote so many songs about him. Blaming you, blaming him. Blaming the universe for not putting it easier on you. 

So music, once again, saved your life. 

Oscar’s life changed drastically. Not only by the fact he didn't have you anymore on the paddock to cheer him on, but also he didn't have you in his apartment to share his life with. He missed you everyday he woke up to an empty bed. Mourning what you had changed him forever. He blamed himself for not knowing how to get to you, how to understand you and be able to help you through it. So he started reading about psychology to learn how to understand people better. He wanted to improve his emotional intelligence. He knew that maybe you wouldn't be there anymore, probably forever, but at least he could be better to the people around him. 

He didn't date anyone. His way of mourning was trying not to think about it occupying his space and time with work and training and racing and reading. He couldn't do anything else.  

He always found himself not being able to think, wondering where you were and especially how you were. After that night, you went to cero contact. And he knew it was the best, but he couldn't get you out of his head yet. He felt guilty knowing that he can understand your needs better when it's a little too late. He just wished to press rewind and do it again but the right way this time. He knew it was impossible and that dug a hole in his heart. He knew that it would be there forever. You were the love of his life. He really thought he couldn't love anyone that way, ever again. You were a force of nature for him. Blowing him away every single time. 

You never went back to races. He knew how much you adored the sport and how in another life you would have loved to be an engineer. You dreamed of one day to see a woman on the podium. You actually sponsored two girls from F1 Academy. The boys didn't see you again either. Actually he knew you did see lando a few times because you two became really close during your relationship, but lando always lied and told him that he didn't see you. He knew Lando was trying to be a good friend. He even tried to introduce Oscar to some girls but it never worked. He tried though. But he found himself thinking that he was kissing it was you. It was heartbreaking to see. He was kind of stuck on you. 

So he decided he would take his time to grow and figure out who he was by himself. Find comfort in his own company. Doing dates  by himself. He found it cringe to call it that way but his therapist insisted on calling it that way so he could deprogram himself from you and anything and everything related to you. 

He was proud of himself though. He was doing alright again, actually enjoying his job, his friends, and his own company. He even won races, he did podiums and everything he dreamed of. But still, he hoped you didn't feel like you needed to leave to let him shine. He wished you were there every time to hug you and shower you in  champagne. 

He really missed you in his life.

「 ✦ Too far gone, don’t know where we started ✦ 」

So here you were more than a year later at the Azerbaijan GP 2024. The Mercedes team invited you as a star guest so you came with your friend because alone you would have died. Actually, before coming to the paddock you had an anxiety attack and if it wasn't for your friend who made sure you felt safe and okay to go, you would’ve been on a plane back home. It was the first time since you broke up with Oscar you felt okay enough to be able to go through it. You were invited by different teams at least 15 times now. But you always lied and said you couldn't make it. You just needed to stay at home or the studio writing as far as possible from oscar and anything related to him. But you went through all of that with your therapist and she said that if you liked the sport and you really enjoyed races or anything related to it, you shouldn't let Oscar or the thought of him or what happened, deprive you of it. 

It was sunday, you preferred not to come on friday or saturday just because there were more possibilities you would bump into him. And you just weren't ready to see him. The race was insane so far. Actually, Oscar was doing more than okay. Your heart was pounding, you could hear it loud and clear. Your best friend held your hand all the time in that garage so you don't forget she’s there for you. And that you’re okay.  You knew you shouldn't be afraid of him because he was an angel. But you were scared of yourself and how would you handle that situation. You came to terms that actually, everything that happened between him and you, it was that your insecurities just made everything so toxic that he couldn't handle it all. It didn't feel good when you realised that but it is what it is. You didn't know better and forgiving yourself for that was the hardest part of the process. 

You squeezed your best friend's hand, it was the last lap. Your heart is almost out of your body. You are wearing an old Oscar hoodie. You really liked it, plus you came here looking like shit in your opinion. You didn't even brush your hair nor that you needed it like before, now your hair is super short. Everyone in the garage was watching closely and before you could actually process what you ‘ve just seen. Your friends shouted “omg” in unison not believing what they saw.

Destiny had its twisted ways to be honest. Osca won the race. he won. You were just shocked. 

You were here and he won, like, what are the chances of that to happen actually? First race you’re back and he wins. and in that way. Your friends hugged you. 

“Holy shit that 's really insane shit” Nikola said, watching the screens at the garage. 

“We need to go guys, i don't wanna see him, please” you didn't know why you started to panic like that. Sonny looked at Nikola and just got you out of there. 

At the Mercedes hospitality you felt safe while the celebrations were held. There was no reason or chance Oscar walked into the Mercedes building, right?  You were drinking some coffee with you girls trying to focus on the conversation about any other driver but Oscar, just around strategy and stuff. You were trying really hard but you couldn't stop thinking about the fact that maybe he could come into you any time. Now that you see destiny hates you. 

“y/N, you okay bestie?”Sonny tried to get you out of your drawing though by touching your arm so she could catch your attention back to reality. 

“Oh yeah, I was just thinking,” you said, adjusting yourself on the chair. Nikola looked worried. 

“y/n, we can go if you need to. We don't want you to feel uncomfortable, okay? Just tell us” she said, comprehensively describing the situation and her friend's feelings. You licked your dry lips.

Before you could answer her someone interrupted you. 

“y/, is it you?” that. Fucking. Voice. Your friends’ eyes widen as surprised as you were. You turned to the voice to find, in fact, your ex boyfriend watching you so confused. You were speechless for a moment. He looked so pretty and sweaty. His eyes are shining brighter than ever you have seen. 

“Oh, hi oscar. Yeah, it’s me” you tried to play it cool but to be fair, you felt the butterflies on your stomach just like the first time you met him at that  birthday party you didn't want to go to. But luckilyyou did. Destiny is always playing dirty for you. Or geniously. You didn't know anymore. He smiled widely.

“Oh, wow, hi, yeah. I didn't know you were coming” he said nervously. Your friends looked at each other noticing. 

“I was invited by George, actually. I almost didn't come tho. How crazy, you win right? You did an amazing race. "You were surprised that you could even have a proper conversation with him while your heart was hurting out of anxiety, nervousness and butterflies were everywhere. 

Oscar Felt his chest tighter. His stomach was happy to see you, he knew. “Thank you,” he said sweetly. You looked so pretty under the light of the Mercedes building. You were his hoodie, your favorite, but he didn't know if it was appropriate to mention it. Your hair was so short and looked so beautiful on you. It actually made you look prettier. Your face was the face of an angel, he always thought that. But with that haircut it only intensified your perfection. He felt stupid. Just like the first time he saw you at that party he wasn't even invited directly. Destiny always played on his favour with you, until that night. He didn't even want to remember it. You looked so different yet you felt the same. Your perfume was the same, he knew. It’s the one he gifted you on your 6 month anniversary. You used to celebrate each month. 

An awkward silence makes its presence between you two, not knowing what else to say or comment. 

“Congrats oscar on the win” sonny tried to save you from misery right there capturing oscar’s attention. He smiled gently, thanking her and nikola. He recognized them and gave them a hug. He seemed happy to see them. You smiled remembering your nights playing uno and drinking wine and baking canela rolls when winter break came around. You Missed him more than you’ve ever thought you would. And something inside you just felt exactly the same you always felt with him. He altered the chemistry in your brain so easily it was kind of scary. 

“Hey osc! Zac wants to talk to you! What are you doing here?” Lando Norris came into the building as well. He was your friend. when he saw who Oscar was, he grinned. “Hey, bestie, whatchu doing here?” he said happily, giving you a comforting hug. He was genuinely surprised because you didn't even tell you. He suspected Oscar was here because George told him you were here. He can't keep secrets. And he knew it was George because he was sure Lewis didn't even know you. 

“George invited us,” you explained after he stepped back.

“Okay let's go, great to see you girl. Hope to see you around more often "Oscar said while looking directly at you in the last sentence to then disappear dragging Lando out of the hospitality. Your friends looked at you and you looked at them.

“I need a whole vodka bottle down my throat right now” you sentence, making them laugh. But you didn't. You felt scared of what you felt a few moments ago. 

(...)

New year is here. You were invited along with your friends by lando to his beginning of the year party here in Monaco. And oh you knew Oscar was gonna be there. Of course, he is one of his closest friends also.

This time you felt more calm and collected around the fact you were going to see him again. I think being drunk was the thing you were thanked for. If something felt rare,you would drink straight vodka or tequila and the problem was solved. You didn’t even have to think about it. 

Your friend helped choose the sexiest dress for you. It was a satin white little dress with broderie endings. Pretty subtle but at the same time suggesting. Just how you were. Angel face, dirty minded. Problem was you couldn't date people because of the Oscars. Because since you saw him those seconds in Azerbaijan, you couldn't stop seeing his shiny eyes and beautiful smile every time you close your eyes. You didn't interact all of this time, you didn't even follow each other on social media. 

Mystery drove you I guess. And who could blame you? It was Oscar Piastri, the one you had to forget. But I just couldn't. You missed his touch, his breath, his voice, his lips. 

Your friend took you out of your thoughts telling you they needed to go to the bathroom. You Followed them around the party up to the toilets. They got in but you decided to wait outside because the music was just so good you wanted to enjoy it. You always wished you could write a party song but it isn't your thing at all. Nor you didn't have the personality for it. You were too deep of a person. You needed to cut deep. Be someone to suffer along with. Or at least that’s how you perceive yourself as an artist. 

“y/N?” not that voice again. That damn voice. Though this time you were waiting for it. You looked up to find a drunk Oscar in front of you. You were breathless for a moment. How can a man become so much hotter in just a year? You smiled at him feeling your strawberry lip gloss. 

“Hoy, osc. What’s up?” you said easily. The alcohol made it easier actually. When he smiled you almost died. You Adored his smile since that party you didn't even want to go to. You thought you fell in love with him just right there. Just right here…?

“I was looking for Danny, have you seen him?” he said normally, ignoring his heart, almost skipping a beat when he saw you in that short white dress. He hoped not to be drooling in your face. Since he saw you again, he couldn't get you out of his head. You were everyday hunting him. He wanted to text you but he wasn't sure if he should. You seem so happy now, he didn't want to ruin it. He convinced himself that probably the best for you was staying away from him as much as possible. At the end of the day, he was the reason you hurt, right? Or he wanted to believe that. 

For a moment you watched his lips talking to you. His drunk voice always turned you on. But you couldn't show it. Not anymore. You looked back at his eyes. Half smile on your face while shaking your head “no, i didn't. Iwas waiting for my friends that are in the bathroom” you explained and he nodded. 

“Well, I'll keep looking then. See you around” he told you to go back into the crowd to look for his friends. Hesaw the way you looked at his lips. He had to be the stronger one. It was better this way. As much as he wanted to eat you out right there and then.

He hurt you. He didn't understand you. He didn't deserve you. He made sure to protect you from himself. Even though all he wanted was to be with you.

「 ✦ the (your) truth is out ✦ 」

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liked by sabrinacarpenter, user456, landonorris and 1,543,678 others

yourusername: i'm so excited to finally tell you our biggest secret! my new ep 'almost said i miss you' will be out february 14 <3 (trying to resignificate the date lol) these songs are really important to me and i can't wait till they finally become yours. thank u to the bestest bestie in the worl for guiding me and helping me through it all, it wouldn't have been possible without you. and you guys for the support, you don't know how much you mean to me :,) thank you for listening to my music since day one. i feel so lucky! see you in a few weeks :D

tagged: sabrinacarpenter, y/nhq

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sabrinacarpenter: so proud of you baby, my fav artist forever. just keep smiling! it's so beautiful to see you happy <3

nikolabff: we are so proud of you gorgeous! the prettiest songs I’ve ever heard 🥹

sonnybff: girl you always serve, thank you for sharing your art to the world I admire you like crazy. So proud of you baby, I love you <3

user489: 'trying to resignificate the date' WHY AM I SOBBING AT WORK

User99: THE TRACKLIST 😭😭😭😭😭

↳ user87: “I miss you, I’m sorry” I CHOKED

user45: it hurt

user12: so excited

landonorris: can`t wait for the world to cry their eyes out just like i did when i heard them :( (it still hurt and I cry before falling asleep)

↳ nikolabff: bro same 😭😭😭

↳ maxverstappen: babygirl

↳ landonorris: get outta here 😡

georgerussel: I know who will cry listening to this

↳ danielricciardo: @/oscarpiastri

↳ landonorris: @/oscarpiastri

↳ sonnybff: guys knock it the fuck off

hattiepiastri: so prod of you girl! Can’t wait to listen to it!

↳ user67: NOT HIS SISTER OMG

↳ user08: I don’t wanna be delusional but girl you

don’t help

↳ user134: they NEED to get back together I don’t

wanna suffer anymore I know Hattie

wants it too 😭

user1: I’m not alright knowing these are for oscar tbh IM DEAD and I haven’t even listened to them yet

taylorswift: and artist of the year goes to…

olivirodrigo: my day to day inspiration

user975: I love girls supporting girls

user56: @/f1gossipofficial is there something about this you’d like to share????

「 ✦ The aftermath - february 14 ✦ 」

Oscar was back to the UK training for the beginning of the new season. It was the coldest winter he experienced. He got back home from mclaren hq. He took a hot shower to warm himself. His apartment was silent. It felt empty for the first time. Like something was missing. He went straight into bed. He wasn't that hungry anyway, but he was tired indeed. 

“Hey, listen to it. I think you need to” 

He saw his sister Hattie's notification pop up on his screen confusing him abit. He went into the messages app and opened his sister’s. When he did he understood what she was talking about. A knot on this throat formed. It was y/n ep. Guess he now understood taylor swift’s exes. It’s hard to date a musician ust because of the aftermath of the relationship. 

“Just do it. You will understand why once you did” 

Another message popped up on this screen and sighed heavily. Probably his sister was right but at the same time he was scaredas fuck. He opened it on spotify, she looked as pretty as ever on the cover of it. ‘Almost said I miss you’ - that was the title and only had 3 songs. By the names of them he suspected it was about him but he tried to believe they weren't even though his sister already told him that they were. He decided to listen to it in order.

He took his headphones from his nightstand so he could hear your voice clearly. All over his head. Cutting deep into his fiber. 

The first piano tiles started playing and his heart was already sinking. Hearing her voice so raw and close and clear sent shivers down his spine. He heard every single word you said. It described perfectly that horrible and forgettable night you broke up. Hearing your voice crack broke his heart into a million pieces. It wasn't even half of the song when he started crying. He knew what he said under his breath that sent you both straight into hell. He felt so guilty about everything. He really just wished to talk to you. 

When he started to hear the second song he knew it was about that race you went. He hoped to see you in the next one, and the next one. But you didn't go again. The lyrics were so real his skin felt every word. 

When he heard you saying that you felt sorry his tears streamed down his face more violently. He didn't recognize this person. But you always had this effect on him. With you he was a feeler, one that felt way too deeply. Unlike the person he shows to people. You always knew the real him. He couldn't lie to you. Even though you thought he would cheat on  you. He would never. Hearing you wanting to hold him broke his heart. Why did you both have to do this the hard way? Why didn't you just be happy with each other? He really missed you. He missed everything about you. Your presence around him. He was his best version with you. Now he feels like a ghost of who he used to be. 

The last song just ended him. 

‘Do you remember being happy together? I do, don't you? Then all of the sudden, you’re sick to your stomach. Is that still true?’ he whipped his tears the best he could. 

You never called her or told her you missed her. But he guessed you would have liked it like that. 

‘everything i know brings me back to us. Everywhere I go leads me back to you’ he felt the same. 

He didn't know what to do. He had a battle inside him. He promised himself he would stay away from you so you could be happy just like you deserved. But at the same time he wanted to be happy and he knew you made him happy. He was happy with you. 

“So? Call her please oscar. You both deserve to be happy and figure things out along the way, together”

Hattie read his mind. Her text just in time when he is back into the silent apartment. The empty and cold apartment that once was full of laughter and music because you were with him. He missed you so much. He missed hearing you play guitar rumbling words then writing them down. You hugged when he was back home, you cuddled in bed when he was sad, your perspective on things. He missed every detail about you.

But was he ready to come back to you?

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘ ∘₊✧──────✧₊∘ ∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

author's note: SO I DELETED IT BY MISTAKE AND I HAD TO REDO IT :(((((((( i've never been this sad but I hope you like it anyway. (This like a 2.0 version) it's the longest fic i've ever written and i love it sm :,) oscar piastri i deeply love you.

idk if I should do a part 2, should I?

also shout to to my international friends nikola and sonny, you girls at the best mwak mwak 💌

don't forget to like, reblog or comment! and follow me so we can be friends :3 (and drink mate together)

[ama-the-weeb]

i promise to all of you guys. i promise.

I will revive hetaloid. I will make ALL hetaloids possible. i have a collection of done ones on here, and some other done ones i gotta release...

austria and hungary are done, ill make the cover and release em soonish

ukraine and belarus are done, i just need a song for them

latvia and estonia are done, poland and lithuania are next

after them its czech and slovakia, then probably romano and spain, i have a start on them as well as canada, he will appear sometime, probably with prussia, who i have vocals of. i also have vocals of sealand, seborga, and wy, ill get to them sometime soon

[risingsunresistance]

[pettyprocrastination]

whoever this beloved anon was I am so touched by your kindness! You definitely didn’t have to do this but I am so happy you enjoy this idea and I will happily expand upon it for you!

this is just a collection of word vomit bullet points for the time being but I will happily answer any and all questions about this pair!!

warnings: violence, angst, child death (Sarah Miller), foul language, the same warnings that apply to tlou, reader is Sarah's mom and described as having similar features to her. 

So the general Idea is that you and Joel are happily married before the outbreak. 

You had been Sarah's mother, his high school sweetheart he got pregnant when neither of you were old enough to have any reaction to the pregnancy test other than a fucking panic attack in one another’s arms. but you made it work 

you both worked but made time for one another and your sweet girl, going to museums every other weekend and joel insisting on swooping you off for a date every now and then 

nothing special. He knows you’re more of a diner gal than anything too fancy that makes you both feel out of place. 

On his birthday in 2003, you had planned to tell him that you were pregnant again. But the memories of your own fears of motherhood from all those years ago begin to swirl through your head again and you get cold feel. deciding to tell him the morning after

it is his birthday afterall, you want to focus on him. 

but when you’re woken up in the middle of the night because tommy needs to get bailed out, Joel kisses you sweetly one last time before promising he’ll be back and you can’t shake the feeling that something bad is happening. 

its you that shakes sarah awake that night. shouting at her to put on her shoes when she’s still rubbing the sleep from her eyes because you’ve been listening to the radio for the past two hours, calling joel again and again and again praying for him to fucking pick up but to no avail. 

Sarah, bless your little girl’s bleeding heart is the one who insists you check on the adler’s against your better suspicions and when you find the eldest looming over her daughter, blood and sinew dripping from her mouth, you grab your daughter hand and burst into a full sprint until something slams into your back and sends you tumbling onto their front lawn

its how joel finds you, struggling to keep the once sweet old woman, whose now nothing more than dead eyes and gnashing teeth straining to snap at your pulse point as you push against her while sarah shrieks before your husband runs forward and cracks her skull with a wrench. 

there’s hardly a moment of pause, just enough for him to pull you up and into his arms before he’s ushering you both into the car with an urgency. 

when the truck crashes, you get separated from them. Perhaps at Tommy’s side when the flames rise and create a wall, separating you from your husband, or maybe pulled into the mob of chaos when trying to escape from those already infected-

all joel knows is that you promise you’ll find him: just get sarah to safety and you’ll meet him at the river

Poor thing is already so frightened, held in her father’s arms with tears streaming down her face insisting they can’t leave you they just can’t but her father kisses her forehead and reassures her its going to be okay 

“we just need to be brave, okay babygirl? Your mama’s real tough, she’s gonna be alright.” 

he isn’t sure if he’s saying it to his daughter or himself. 

but when he comes to the river you aren’t there. Only a soldier who points a gun at the scared little girl in his arms and then he loses everything

its when the light is gone from his daughter’s eyes that he realizes. His voice cracked and raw from sobbing that he looks around to see his brother with drawn in shoulders and tears in his eyes but his wife is nowhere to be found. 

Tommy says you got lost in the chaos. Everything was so loud, so sudden that he turned around and suddenly you weren’t there. 

Joel wants to go back but its Tommy that stops him, that dulls the red in his vision to a sad faded pink because his brother points at the orange horizon not too far from them, so much of the city is already in flames. 

“We’re gonna find her, but not there.” 

So Joel searches. for the first year spent in the world post-outbreak its all he did. 

He became a smuggler because of it. 

Information came at a price and he needed to be able to fucking pay it, whether it be in blood or ration cards. He was willing to do anything to find you or any thin thread that lead your way. 

But it’s Tommy that asks him to give up. Not in those words of course. 

The youngest Miller knows better than to say something so cruel that would make his brother, the only person he has in this world turn on him. 

But his voice is worried when he asks him one night in Boston when he hasn’t even had the chance to wash the blood from his knuckles 

“You think she would have wanted this for you?” 

the fight that followed his words was brutal. Vicious insults and scarred fists slamming against each brother until they're both too tired and bloody to continue. Each leaning against a wall for support and Tommy’s wavering voice breaking the silence. 

“I don’t know where she is, Joel. But I do know you're gonna get yourself killed if you keep lookin’ for her.” 

All he can do is nod. 

It’s a few days later when he meets Tess. Who has heard plenty of stories about the elder miller’s brutality and wants him to put that muscle to good use for some extra profit. 

It begins his new life. One that empty and cold but one he can live. 

Until of course, Ellie comes along. The sweet and incredibly opinionated girl that makes him become something akin to the man he thought died twenty years ago. 

its when he’s traveling with Ellie, that it happens. When a warm familiarity has settled between the two because so much blood and pain has been shared he can’t help but see her as something close, something bright even though all he can force himself to utter in her reference is “cargo” 

when theyre traveling through the woods as Ellie chatters away, probing his memory about a movie that may or may not have existed thirty years ago because her descriptions of the plot are incredibly odd he hears a voice shout for them to stop and finds himself staring at a man- no, a boy- pointing a gun at them. 

Ellie stills, but Joel can see enough to know that from the lanky figure and dimpled face that he’s young. Maybe twenty, twenty-two at the oldest, but his eyes dart from Joel to Ellie with a pinprick of fear that allows Joel the time to charge forward and slam him to the ground before wrestling the gun from his hands. 

He has enough to time to tuck it under the stranger’s chin before he hears the sound of the safety being turned off and finds himself looking up and seeing a gun just inches from his face. 

Joel’s head whips around when Ellie’s voice calls out his name in fear, he turns to see another stranger holding her a gun point, shoulders drawn back and a shadow cast over their face by the had obstructing their identity. 

“You hurt one of mine, I hurt one of yours. That a fair deal?” 

Its takes him a moment to recognize you. It’s been so long since he’s heard your voice, the sweet tease when you would poke at him each time he woke up late despite the fact that you reminded him to set his alarm the night before, the times you’d chide him with a harsh “Joel Miller!” whispered in public anytime he was able to grab you a bit too passionately to be appropriate in public but the laughter in your voice let him know you were never truly mad at him. You didn’t know how to be. 

But that sweetness is buried under a cold rasp that cuts through the air as you point a rifle at the scared little girl in front of you.

“You think I won’t?” You’re older now, skin covered in scars from a life he didn’t know you got the chance to live and your eyes are cold as they regard your husband. “Put the gun down and get the fuck off of him, I won’t repeat myself.” 

Joel mumbles your name in awe. The woman he loved, the woman he mourned the one he fought so hard to find stands before him like some sort of hallucination and suddenly the world feels like its spinning until you bark orders at him again. 

“You’ve got five seconds Joel, make a fucking choice before I make it for you.” 

He looks down and realizes the boy under him, the one with the bleeding nose and snarling face has your eyes and his dimples. 

“One.” 

The one above him has Sarah’s hair. Soft brown curls that shine under the sun. 

“Two”

Wait. No, they both do.

“Three.” 

Twins. Jesus fucking Christ you had twins. 

“Four.” 

Joel holds the rifle up above his head and the one boy standing snatches it from his grasp, tossing it to the ground and kicking it far from his reach. He slowly stands, allowing your son- dear god your son- to scramble to his feet. 

Your voice softens just for a moment. “You okay, Duke?” 

Blood stains the bottom half of his face from where Joel slammed his fist into the boy’s nose just moments before, but he nods nonetheless. 

Now, they both stand on one side of you and he can see the resemblance clear as day the same way he would whenever Sarah was by your side.

When you order him to hand over his bag, he does so without question before telling Ellie to do the same. 

She watches him with wide eyes, her hands still up in the air but gaping at her companion as if he had grown a second head. 

“Joel!” “Just do it, alright?”

He doesn’t miss the way you watch their interaction with narrowed eyes until she tosses her bag to you and you slowly lower your gun. 

“Now, you want to tell me what the fuck you think you’re doin’ at my home?” 

[sqlmn]

Art I did during my break but don't wanna post on main but you know what. I like Levi and Richard (and Arienne the redhead).

Basically, Levi and Richard go to school together, Richard decides to go by the name Richard and the only person to without question go along with "I'm a boy now" is Levi who calls him Dick. And then gets into fist fights with boys that don't call him Richard. So Richard falls pretty much in love in school then his parents divorce and he moves away.

Many years later (10+) Richard meets Levi again and it's very much nothing grand. Levi overhears Richard introducing himself to someone and is like "lmao Dick? You work here now? Sucks to be you" and Richard is immediately 'I love him so much I hate myself for how easily I give up all dignity for him' but yeah. They work in different departments so Levi does more behind the scenes stuff while Richard talks to clients and is very social.

And their coworkers in both departments love Richard because he's such a nice guy and Levi's department hates Levi a lot cause he's an asshole. (then stuff happens that would require a tw blah blah blah) So after a month of Levi not being at work he returns and Richard immediately goes over to the department to check on him and he's just. Incredibly mellow. No cussing and no cockiness and worst of all, he's being called Richard which is very much not correct from Levi. So he points it out that no one else calls him Dick and if he had a problem with it he would have said something by now so hey, maybe don't suddenly change the entire friendship on your own. (So Levi texts him later to say "sorry for being a dick, Dick" and Richard is v happy and content with that turn out)

Richard is honestly tragically created out of spite for the fact I saw a name IRL and I know that the state that I live in would in fact NOT have someone that intentionally funny and trans so I have to make my own funny trans guy to fill the void.

[britneyshakespeare]

you: nicholas alexander chavez, the actor from ryan murphy's recent work

me, a mama's girl and daytime tv viewer:

[cloudysfluffs]

i think getting tickled would fix him

(ns//fw and/or fetish blogs please dni🙏🙏)

[distraughtlesbian]

literally the best part of this whole stupid book iwlove weird obsessed horndogs thee villain archetype of all time. he’s so silly. “we could’ve had a life together”, he says to his lesbian ex-neighbour who he’s just shot with a crossbow bolt meanwhile her girlfriend who he’s also just shot is half dead across the room. god i love it here he said me and the bad bitch im going to fumble

[koko2unite]

so many expenses this month and most of it isnt even for me :(

[bagel-boy-sama]

Astarion Baldurs Gate 3 Isn't A TumblrSexyMan™, He's Just A SexyMan™

I've seen a large number of people, most of whom are in the Astarion Disliker/"I don't get it" camp most who are not on this particular hell site, cite Astarion as Tumblr's latest sexyman. Today, I will be explaining why I do not believe that to be the case. That instead, as the title states, he's just a sexyman.

No real knowledge of the hell site is required, I'll explain things for the new people.

Setting The Definitions

First, definitions because this is now Intro to Writing and Rhetoric. A sexyman would be anyone, usually masc or a man, who is concidered sexy by a wide range of people. Fascinating.

A Tumblr Sexyman, on the other hand, is a thing - usually fictional entity - that is incredibly popular on Tumblr.com to the degree it escapes it's fandom sometimes, in the most extreme of cases, becoming far more popular than it's original fandom. It is characterized by a few major characteristics. Ranging from Twinkism* (be it the character or fan interpretation), generally unconventionally/perceived to be unconventionally attractive in a non physical sense (character traits that wouldn't otherwise be desirable, like absurd behavior or generally evilness), to impeccable drip (either in the original media/design, or done by fans in fanart).

*note: Twinkism (which I did just throw in on the spot this is entirely bullshit for my own amusement) is the phenomenon of skinny, young looking, pretty/feminine white boys who are within media. This is different from twinks, who are understood to be young and skinny - being pretty, popular, or white is not connected. All those who participate in Twinkism are Twinks, but not all Twinks participate in Twinkism.

Does Astarion Baldurs Gate 3 Fit The Definition?

First rule: must be at least a twink. Is he?

No. Yes. Kinda. In a way. Many people would describe Astarion as someone who's gone through "Twink Death". No this is not because he's literally undead. Twink Death, in it's simplest form, is when a twink no longer looks young and/or feminine. Astarion has aged. His crows feet and laugh lines, while beautiful, do not make him look 18. For some this would disqualify him from being a Twink. So perhaps he has failed at the first step.

I, however, am not satisfied with that. Moving on, is Astarion - or would Astarion - actually be considered conventionally unattractive in any way that is disconnected from his appearance? I argue no. Vampires are considered very well, normal to lust after. They're right below succubus on the "This isn't considered weird to find attractive" scale. You aren't romancing The Emperor here. Outside of that he's well groomed, shown to be muscular in game (headcanon does often disagree and while I wish it was true we are working with facts for this specific discussion), and an elf. In personality, while not for everyone, he's the pretty standard fruity sarcastic gay who's a bit selfish. We all know a fruity sarcastic gay who's a bit selfish, and they get laid. So it can't be considered that bad. Probably.

I feel important to note here that I am aroace and have no idea what I'm talking about right now. This is an educated guess.

Astarion has lost now, two for two. He's barely a twink, even going off of his model he's more a twunk. He definitely doesn't fit the Twinkism phenomenon. He's not weird to find attractive, I assume, so what else is there? His drip? I'm sorry, but his base outfit is a bit well Goofy to say the least. Much fanart leaves him in this outfit or a simpler version because drawing ruffles is enough to make anyone want to willingly jump headfirst into the underdark, so he fails the drip test as well.

His final hurtle: is his popularity Tumblr™. In this context Tumblr™ is different from Tumblr. Tumblr™ is the fandom side, where a sexyman would flourish and find their own fandom. Importantly, this fandom needs to be very insular to the site. It's a *Tumblr* sexyman after all. So that begs the question, is Astarion highly liked by mostly or purely Tumblr people/those who have the vibes of a Tumblr user? No.

Astarion is well loved by many people of various vibes. He has affected (previously) straight men on Reddit. Few can escape him and his 10 charisma.

Conclusion

Astarion is just a sexyman. He's just a fictional character that many think is neat and attractive for a variety of reasons. He's the Ryan Reynolds of crpgs. He's some dude, who's generally considered attractive by a lot of people who you both would and wouldn't expect to find him attractive.

[nomairuins]

i think itis funny in the past when i would list my interests as if i post abt them i donot post abt the shit im into rly Mainly bc im not rly Into Into anything anymore i occasionally watch or read or play something but i dont do fandom stuff rly much.... just sometimes i get brainworms

[autisticlee]

working through autisitc traumas with my therapist. she wanted me to figure out why I have such a trauma response to doing art collabs with people.

after some poking at my brain, a repressed memory revealed itself and started unfolding. i remembered i was bullied by other artists during a collab, but not the details. then i remembered i saved some screenshots and went through them which unfolded more. it was the time I did my first and so far only art collab. it was meant to be a happy and fun experience, but turned so bad so fast. it was on twitter some years back and i was very much bullied by the mod of it and my collab partner who was his best friend. i truly, genuinely didn't understand why or what was happening??? and couldn't get answers. never got answers. trying to get answers was a big bad no-no. any attempts to ask clarification or explain things made me the "bad guy with behavior problems" but of course this was never explained or talked about with me at all. apparently because if it was, i would be "butthurt" or something. i was never given the opportunity to even discuss it, which i would have preferred, because i like to work through things and have honest and open communication at all times until any conflict is resolved! so this supposed "behavior" i didn't know about was only used later to insult me behind my back, instead of talking it out.

because of course being autistic and trying to ask clarification, understand a problem, wanting to make things better, or explain a misunderstanding means you just have bad behavior, are attention seeking, are trying to start drama and be offensive, have a bad attitude, and are a horrible person 🙄 we all hear this all the time right? many allistics are incredibly offended by us trying to understand what their problem is, not being able to read their minds, and trying get them to have clear and honest communication with us. they rather "drop it" and not discuss it and then blame us when the problem doesn't magically go away! they perceive any attempt at communication as an attack on them. and since we don't play their games how they want or expect, we are the bad person who is doing it "on purpose" apparently!

i've debated back when this happened if I should post these screenshots I have. especially since I didn't get screenshots for all the stuff that was happening. like when the group chat disappeared, I was unable to get anything from before that. if they deleted stuff too quick and i only got the popup notif on my phone but it was gone on twitter, i didn't get it. also i only did screenshots to share with my friend chat and ask them if they understood what was happening because i was so confused. and didn't know there was a problem until it was too late. so i didn't record everything.

I, for the life of me, cannot figure out what was happening. to this day. i'm SO CONFUSED. truly, genuinely, swear on my entire existence, agreeing to accept being cursed and cast to hell if i'm lying at all, i do not understand and was not trying to cause any harm on purpose.

they either genuinely thought I was doing something wrong on purpose and it was all a huge misunderstanding, because i struggle with words due to my disability, and they misread the tone of my texts or something else. i gave them the benefit of the doubt and tried to work it out. but they refused to work out with me.

OR they were just being bullies on purpose and trying to gaslight and accuse me instead for fun? i don't know! if they misunderstood me and decided to take it out on me instead of talking it out, how am i supposed to know what i supposedly did wrong? BECAUSE I DID NOT KNOW. i can only make guesses.

I can't figure it out. there was no talking with these people because they decided I was a bad, horrible person for trying to talk it out and understand/explain what (i thought) was happening, so they wouldn't have honest communication with me no matter what I did. I would just get shut down and told i'm trying to make drama. I hate drama. but I love clear communication and understanding and fixing problems! sorry if you don't value clear communication and rather take offense to it and call it "drama/bad behavior" lmao.

i do admit i avoided directly talking out problems with my collab partner, mainly because i didn't know there was a problem or how or approach it??? because it wasn't ME having the problem with them. it was me perceiving they had a problem with me but were silent on it and i was punished for not reading their mind. things started bad with the mod, so i didn't want to "cause more drama" by asking why my collab partner didn't want to talk to me and was ignoring me in the gc. but they also never tried to communicate with me about the problem they may have had, so how is that on me? why is it my job to figure out thir issue and bring it up first? if they don't say anything, i can only assume it's not that big of a deal for them?? right? more on that later with a screenshot

so, I don't even feel like blocking out usernames anymore. i started to but meh i give up. if that's wrong, i apologize. i've decided that if they have the same usernames still and someone decides to take this to them, then whatever. they can either act like an adult, listen to me, and have clear and honest communication in order to work out the misunderstanding, and apologize for THEIR behavior, or they can leave me alone. you cannot claim someone was purposely doing bad things when they are completely clueless about it.

if they think I WAS THE PROBLEM and i don't know what the hell i did wrong, it's THEIR responsibility to tell me. but they did not. the only "problem" they told me about was my art apparently being shit after i definitely NEVER asked for their "advice"

anyway here's some of the screenshots i got along with the story. maybe if someone reads all this you can help explain what the fuck was even happening and help me understand?????????? did i make an honest mistake and not realize, or were they just being bullies like my old friend gc told me? but i'm using this post to try to work it out now that my therapist made this repressed memory come back and encouraged me to work through it....

it started when an artist on bts kpop twitter posted about an art collab their friend was hosting that needed more people. i replied and said i'd join! i love collabing and working together with people and would love more art friends! so they added me to the group chat.

when we got enough people, the mod announced that we will choose what member of bts we want to draw and be partnered with one person doing the same member to draw opposite theme arts. i said i'd take yoongi if no one else does. i literally gave an opportunity to let someone else take him because i wanted to be nice! no one else did. only my future collab partner did. i waited and no one said anything. i didn't get a response from the mod but everyone else did for theirs, as he marked them all down and shared the doc screenshot. yoongi still unmarked. i was 110% planning on giving him to someone else IF THEY JUST SAID THEY WANTED HIIM. but literally no one did. yet i kept getting told someone called him already so i have to wait for them to respond?????

so of course i kept trying to ask, because every other member was filling up and only like 2 others + yoongi were left

WHO WERE THESE PEOPLE. WHERE WERE THEY. WHY WERENT THEY TALKING. why was it my responsibility to talk to them if yo u won't tell me who they are! pretty sure i asked who they were so i can talk to them but didn't get a response. i was never told once who these people were???? so as far as i'm concerned, they never existed!

even others in the gc stuck up for me saying i called yoongi first! a few of them even dm'd me saying they're trying and also don't know why i'm being ignored. i asked if they saw anyone else call yoongi first before i was added to the gc so i can message the person, because YOU CANNOT SEE MESSAGES FROM BEFORE YOU WERE ADDED TO A GC. and i was among the last 3 or so to be added. so if someone said it, i literally cannot find proof myself, yet the mod refused to send me proof of the claim. the people who dm'd me said they didn't see anyone else either. i even asked one of them to scroll back and look and send me a screenshot of who claimed him and they said there was no one before me! (i didn't think to screenshot those dms unfortunately. but i got a few where they said it on the gc itself)

"it's about getting here first" while people were saying i WAS first??? according to literally everyone EXCEPT YOU i was first. you refused to tell me who this "real" first was. how am i supposed to talk to them then??? and i have to wait for them to speak up themselves because you refuse to tell me. if i remember correctly, he even said he's not going to call them out and i have to wait for them to reveal themselves. no one did lmao. so WHAT IS FAIR ABOUT ANY OF THIS. it's not fair to me that's for sure.

this is where i didn't get many screenshots because i was suddenly kicked from the chat soon after this. i only have these few because i was asking my friend gc what this meant and what i'm supposed to do since most of my messages are being ignored. there were more of me asking, being ignored, other people trying to speak up for me, and being told yoongi is taken, despite it not being marked off on the doc....all i did here was ask if i can do yoongi if no one else is, and since it looked like no one else was, then asked a few more times because i never got a response until other people started speaking up for me.

it was part of the lost chat, so i didn't get screenshots, but my future collab partner was practically begging everyone to work with them on yoongi. but they all refused and said they already chose a different member and that i chose yoongi first. they weren't asking someone who said they wanted yoongi. they were asking people that chose a different member! so if someone chose him already, why weren't they @'ing that person to ask them??? they even discussed their whole idea which was angel and demon and they were doing the angel side. i said i like that idea and since the others don't want to do yoongi, i'd be happy to do that idea with them! i was ignored. and perhaps i was metaphorically attacked

while i was typing in the text box to send another message, the chat box froze, then the group chat suddenly went blank, and nothing was there anymore, with a popup thing saying there was an error or something, and it wouldn't let me send the message. i thought maybe my internet went out so checked it. it was fine. i thought twitter broke. i restarted the app and the gc was completely gone from my messages??? i thought the mod decided to end it and i didn't see the message because i was typing. so i went to his twitter to see if he posted an update. nothing. then he sends me a message

i was incredibly confused. i figured there was a mistake, but tried to investigate to figure out how twitter broke that bad when i was the only person that had that issue. i said if i figure out what happened, i'd let him know. all i know is i didn't, COULDNT have left the chat by myself. you can't just click leave when you're in the middle of typing a message 😭

so when i joined the gc, i followed everyone in it once we finalized who was part of the collab. but i noticed once i was added back in, there was ONE person i was suddenly no longer following. i asked my friend gc, and they confirmed that if you block (or soft block, aka blocking and unlocking immediately) it makes the person unfollow you, but also kicks you out from any gc you share with them. they know because they blocked each other as a joke sometimes and had to keep adding each other back in the gc after that.

so logically, if i'm suddenly not following one single person in the gc, but i'm still following everyone else. that means they soft blocked me and no one else could have (i didn't know the term soft block at the time, so i didn't use it. so there is a chance they took "block" rather than soft block as a offense? and maybe that was my mistake? but also it could have very well went the same way regardless) but like i said, i let him know that i figured it out! i stated it very matter of factly, as in i wasn't upset but just stating what i thought was facts. what i thought had happened based on my investigation and discussing with my friends. i didn't care at all about the soft block. you do you. if you don't want me to follow and we aren't friends, i don't give a fuck. i was just stating the reason i was suddenly gone from the chat! but if the reason was because we were about to become collab partners and you didn't want that to happen, you owe me words and an explanation. it's not up to me to read your mind and try to figure it out!!!! so i tried to explain my thought process to the mod.

i assume sam here was annoyed at me asking to be partners since all their friends were turning them down and this supposed "first" yoongi-claimer wasn't speaking up. so they decided to "get back at me" by soft blocking because they don't want me following. sure. whatever. but what i don't think they realized was it KICKS ME FROM THE GROUP CHAT.

this is where things get muddy and confusing......and also everything is stacked against me because surprise, my collab partner and the mod are best friends! i don't think alex realized how soft blocking works / wouldn't accept it. wouldn't accept that their best friend was the cause and i didn't "choose" to leave on by myself. i tried to explain how twitter works and he refused to listen

alex was not listening to reason or logic AT ALL. he let his "i must protect best friend" emotions cloud his judgement. he took it as me accusing his best friend of i-don't-know-what offense to purposely try starting drama. well I PERSONALLY didn't see how this was a bad thing??? and i wasn't sharing this info to make it out to be a bad thing at all. i was sharing that i figured out how i was kicked because i said i would if i figured it out! i accepted the soft block and would let that go. a soft block kicking me from the gc was probably a small mistake sam didn't anticipate. maybe they didn't tell alex about it, so maybe alex had no idea. no harm in sam admitting to it and apologizing or even moving on! but it seems sam kept it to themself. it may have all been a misunderstanding. yet when i tried to talk it out but was only shut down.

alex never even acknowledged the fact that sam was begging everyone else to do yoongi with them. why didn't alex tell sam to ask the mysterious "first yoongi asker" i kept getting told existed???? why didn't alex tell sam to talk tot me about about it? why didn't alex tell me who that supposed person was to tell them to dm me? why did they never get yoongi in the end if they existed? why was i by default given yoongi when he was inevitably left over? why was everything my responsibility, my fault, and my problem? why was trying to get clarification and not getting any a bad and horrible thing? why could no one speak clearly, honestly, and straightforward with me? i can only assume these people who claimed yoongi didn't exist and were made up since they never spoke up and alex refused to tell me their name. so obviously they had a problem with me choosing yoongi and refused to speak about it to me! they just hoped someone else would claim him, but turned out everyone was on my side sticking up for me

so i tried to talk about it since no one else would come to me first. i tried to explain that i thought it was because sam wanted to work with their friends they asked who kept turning them down, and especially since the last message i was able to send was saying i'd do it with them since their friends won't. then suddenly poof, i was kicked. but yeah alex won't listen. sam probably lied to him saying they didn't soft block me so they can make me look like the bad guy. despite twitter literally having this mechanic that all pointed to sam doing exactly what i had said. alex had no way of refuting it except deciding i'm a liar. either that, or they were in on it together. but part of me wants to think sam lied and alex truly didn't understand. but try explaining as a stranger to someone their best friend is lying to them.....instead IM the liar i guess LOL

I WAS GENUINELY CONFISED AS FUCK AND TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT AND YOU WERE NOT HELPING AT ALL ALEX. WHY WOULD A LIAR BE CONFUSED???? I DIDNT ACCUSE SAM OF ANYTHING BAD EITHER. I WASN'T DOING DRAMA. I WAS BEING TRUTHFUL AND SERIOUS. I WAS TRYING MY BEST TO FIGURE OUT WHAT WAS HAPPENING AND UNDERSTAND SO I COULD TRY TO HELP FIX IT. IF YOU USED YOUR BRAIN AND COMMUNICATED PROPERLY WITH ME INSTEAD OF RUNNING YOUR EMOTIONS MAYBE YOU'D SEE THE LOGIC BEHIND MY WORDS. MAYBE IF YOU COMMUNICATED PROPERLY TO BEGIN WITH THIS WOULDNT HAVE HAPPENED

but of course someone will only believe their best friend...but why is soft blocking a bad thing that you need to defend so hard? sure, it's rude, but everyone does it so it was so normalized, i thought it was fine to point out, like genuinely. AND I WAS OK WITH IT I ACCEPTED IT????? they coud have asked me to unfollow and i would have asked why but did it in the end. but if sam had an issue with working with me to the point they wanted me to not follow anymore, they should use their words and speak to me!!!!!!!!! not soft block me away and start this whole nonsense.

i assume i was kicked upon soft block and sam didn't know that's what happens when you soft block and that's why they "didnt know until alex told them" so they panicked and lied to alex about not blocking me (OR they hard blocked and noticed i was out and panicked and unblocked? but soft block sounds more believable to me for some reason) and alex of course took their side and believed them, typical best friend behavior. but still doesn't excuse alex's behavior and deciding i'm the bad person. i tried so hard to fix the issue and come to an understanding but he made up his mind and refused to give me the benefit of the doubt like i'm STILL giving him for some reason! when he doesn't deserve it at this point!

anyway, i'm added back to the gc and i'm FINALLY given yoongi since i'm the only one without an assignment and he's the only one left over. i wasn't even told. the final doc was just posted. so everyone starts discussing their ideas. i said i'm going with what my partner suggested earlier, unless they want to do something else. they didn't respond and tell me they disagreed? they just posted this:

all i had to go off of was what i remembered them saying before i was kicked from the gc. so i started on that. i assumed they didn't want to discuss further when they said this? i also assumed they didn't want to talk to me because i was still sure they soft blocked me because how else would all that happen.....

they ended sending me their art that was not at all the concept they said they were doing in the gc. it didn't match mine so i told them i was doing what they said they were doing and they're like oh fine i guess i have to redo my art. so they redid it. but that's on you for deciding to not discuss it and not doing your original concept.

i think it was while waiting for sam to finish their art, some other weird things were happening???? can't remember if it was only sam or if alex did it too, but they started liking a bunch of my old tweets, so it felt like they were stalking my account (trying to dig up dirt to prove i'm a bad person perhaps?) don't know but it made me feel uncomfy. didn't mention it though. just felt weird so idk what the purpose was

one of the old tweets they found was where i posted a dtiys post ("draw this in your style") which was a twitter trend where artists posted an art that they let other artists redraw, but in their style. basically you copy the art, but in your style. you don't change the general art concept. you are supposed to keep all the main details, not change them to make it look completely different. it's supposed to be recognizable as a redraw, not like a whole different art. at least that's how all the ones i saw were done. unless i misunderstood. also, you're supposed to quote retweet the original art with your art or add the link in your replies to credit the original. here's an example i just found, you can see how you're supposed to do it, how everyone does it:

so these two suddenly posted a dtiys of my art! i was surprised, and at first wasn't suspicious at all, my brain just jumped into grateful mode, so i went to thank them. before i could see it, they were deleted. i clicked the notification popup on my phone and it said no longer exists. a bit later they were reposted and stayed up longer. i waited before i responded this time and they stayed up for a while. this is when i started to get sus since i could look at the posts now. they didn't quote my original art. just posted it and @'d me.

and.....it wasn't the best art. they even both said so themselves in their posts. but mainly it wasn't good because they failed to do the prompt correctly at all. they didn't draw my art in their style. they posted an art not even slightly related to my art! i wasn't going to point this out, but thank them and move on. alex was like "hope you don't mind i changed some details" but there were no detail at all that matched mine so ??????????? it looked like they posted a random unrelated art, maybe slightly edited pretending it was a dtiys. if they did draw whole new arts,,,,,looking like they used an unrelated art they already had done explains how badly they did the whole prompt. but it's not your job to judge if they don't ask you to. so i didn't say anything about that. maybe explains why they didn't quote/link my art like everyone else who did the dtiys did. maybe they didn't want anyone to call out the fact they didn't do the dtiys it right. (but it could have also been them not wanting to give me "clout" by sharing my art with their followers?)

i didn't screenshot alex's full art since i didn't think to do it, but you can see enough of it to see it's nothing close to mine. alex and sam posted at exactly the same time as you can see from the timestamps. so they were obviously planning it together. seemed super sus. and here's my art to compare and see how they didn't do MY art in their style at all. they did a completely different art (the main focus of the art was supposed to be the big hat and the little bird on it, as well as the colors. they didn't do any of those things! it's also meant to be a messy sketch with water color where i was playing with colors. not perfect or realistic! i did this as a way to try to convince myself to NOT be a perfectionist about my art! which makes the things i was told after this so much worse....)

but ok cool. i liked/rt'd both arts. i was able to comment on one, which was alex's, but as i was trying to reply to sam's they deleted

then alex responded to my response. i didn't get a screenshot of the first reply because he deleted it soon after, but i paraphrased the best i could remember to my friends who i asked to help me figure out what was happening, so this was basically the first reply, followed by the second (and my reply to the art that was deleted as well) ((also this was before i went by "Lee" so i crossed out my old name for myself. he/him was also used and i used they/them fulltime now))

after i shared this with my friend gc to ask what they think, one friend got super defensive and said she was going to respond. i told her multiple times not to. she didn't listen because i got a notif that she responded to the thread. so i muted that thread because i said i don't want to be part of that since i told her not to. i even defended alex's pronouns because that friend kept calling him "she" and i told her to stop shitting on his art. we aren't friends anymore, but when we were, i still wasn't defending her decisions there lol so i'm not going to defend her at all now either since some of the replies were her just being mean lmao. her words are her own responsibility, it had nothing to do with me. so i won't share those.

since i muted the thread and didn't look at what they were saying to each other, i got curious and just now went back and looked up my old friend's replies so maybe i can gain some kind of clarity to the situation and make sense of it now. i can't believe what i read from alex, but also i'm not surprised. the thread was broken so might be missing stuff. so this is all that was found. but alex was showing his true colors. tori replied to the above tattoo comment:

i won't include it because it's kinda irrelevant, but alex says he's just giving advice because he apparently ~knows better~ they argued a lot with tori saying alex did the challenge wrong, alex saying he can do what he wants. and alex saying he and sam didn't like the art they did so both deleted it. tori saying there's no reason to delete and they should keep it up out of respect. and why even post it if you don't like it lmao, especially after you insulted my art. then, for no reason, alex was just being super nasty towards me/my art for no reason when i had nothing to do with what tori was saying! basically he seems to have revealed his true colors!

what does alex EVEN MEAN here. i don't understand it lmao. is he trying to say he sees why i don't have art friends because i had a protective friend group???? how's that make sense LOL and oh standing up for your friend is "disrespectful and uncalled for"?? i guess you're also disrespectful then alex. you defending sam and calling me a liar was uncalled for! hypocrite. who do you think YOU are????

ANYWAY if you hate my art so much, why the fuck did you choose that art for dtiys challenge???? why even do a dtiys of my art at all????? i had many other arts to choose from!!!! if your whole reason was just so you would be able to insult my art, then what the fuck. why bother? but alex clearly hated my art SO MUCH. so i can't understand why he chose to do it unless it was for the purpose of bullying????? especially when he and sam both admitted to not putting effort into it! even though he had to ~spend so much time fixing my mistakes~ 🙄 i'm going to puke on him. what. you can't "fix other people's mistakes" in art. it doesn't work that way.

the thread got split so i will try to put them together in order. apologies if it's confusing!

to use your own words against you alex, i don't know who you think you are but. no one made you king of art and gave you the right to judge others' LMAO "as a tattoo artist i have the right to judge--" NO YOU DONT YOU ELITIST FOOL. that's hilarious. and you called the whole thing "utterly awful" so this wasn't just about tattoos. and the contradicting himself? first saying he had to "spend hours fixing" then turns around to say "have better things to do than fix other ppl mistakes" make up your mind. did you spend hours on it or rush to finish? and you don't get to call other people's art a "mistake" lmao

next, "it's not bad to seek advice" THATS THE PROBLEM ALEX. I DID NOT ASK FOR YOUR ADVICE. did you not know it's extremely rude to give "advice" when not asked? it's rude and looked down on to criticize someone's art to their face when they didn't ask. you don't try to help if they didn't want help. (especially when it was one art i posted about being very proud of! it was like this was on purpose!) i don't think alex wanted to help at all, especially when his "advice" was about being destructive and not constructive at all. i can't learn from insults. there was no real advice. only telling someone they did wrong or bad isn't advice lmao. IF YOU ARE GOING TO CRITISIZE do NOT give DESTRUCTIVE advice by pointing out what is "bad/wrong" instead be constructive and actually say how to improve. but only if asked!!!!! alex was WAY more destructive than constructive! all he did was point out what he didn't like. the only thing i "realized" is alex thinks he's king shit, has some kind of complex where he thinks he's the best at art, thinks he has the right to judge when he does not, and sucks at giving advice lmao

also, he claims to be a tattoo artist, but i doubt that was true. i can believe a wannabe who was studying or something, but i doubt he was even a trainee who did a single tattoo before. maybe he started after, but there's no way this person was an actual tattoo artist at this time. (he better work on his attitude AND art first to be honest) i bet i've been doing art longer than he's been alive so if anyone is allowed to judge, uh i mean, give advice, it's me. but i'll be nice and not insult, um i mean, give unwanted advice about his art :)

i should go to you because you're the mod, alex? tori was wrong here. because I TRIED AND ALEX CALLED ME A LIAR WHO WAS TRYING TO START DRAMA. why would i trust you and try to talk it out again when you shut me down the first time!!!!! and ignored me in the gc until everyone else spoke up for me asking why you're ignoring me!!!!!! and he still held onto me "leaving the group chat" which is completely false. i really wish i had screenshot the gc when it suddenly cleared all messages and told me there's an error, but i did not because i genuinely thought it was a real error!

and.............*autistic facepalm* we all heard this a lot haven't we? my "BeHaViOr" lmao. put that on the autism bingo card! "scared away because of (their) behavior and ended up leaving the chat" WHAT DOES THIS MEAN. my "behavior" scared me and made me leave the gc? what????? please make sense!!!

"immature behavior that made people want to leave" who the fuck wanted to leave? most everyone was standing up for me when you and sam were ignoring me???? no one said they had a problem with me! if they did, they could come to me about it, or you could tell me. but no, no one told me ANYTHING AT ALL.

"made me uncomfortable" you and sam made ME uncomfortable lmao. so i guess we are even!

"(their) behavior meant (they were) clearly seeking attention" i don't understand how???? who was i "seeking attention" from???? IF I WANTED TO SEEK ATTENTION i would have posted my screenshots on main on twitter, making a long thread, to expose your rotten asses to all your friends!!!!!!! not keep them for nearly 5 years and dissociate the memories away, only to unlock them in therapy and post them quietly here where i doubt anyone will see it, just so i can work out the trauma you left me with. maybe i should have been "attention seeking" and exposed you to everyone!!!!!

anyway, so me asking things in the gc and getting ignored with no clarification at all, then suddenly being kicked form the gc and telling you what happened when i figured it out, all while trying to fix your poor communication problems for you is apparently seeking attention now LOL. don't make me laugh. if you got to know me at all, i am the last person to "seek attention" and rather not be perceived. but i don't take kindly to being ignored, so of course i kept asking when you refused to respond??? how is that "immature behavior" unless me explaining that i DID NOT LEAVE THE GC MYSELF is "immature behavior" to you because your bestie lied to your face. but you'll never believe me over them so that means i'm wrong i guess 🙄

"under the impression that some other person also wanted to do yoongi" alex, my guy. my bro. buddy. this is exactly where all the problems started. you can't put this all on this imaginary person who supposedly wanted to do yoongi that you had no proof even existed in the first place! the person you refused to tell me the name of when i asked, who you told me to discuss this with. but instead insisted that i wait for them to speak up first, which they did not! just TELL ME WHO THEY ARE SO WE CAN TALK IT OUT. WHY IS THAT SO HARD TO DO???? this was all while sam begged everyone else in the gc to do yoongi with them, ignoring me too. and not asking the imaginary person who claimed him "first" which can only mean no one else actually called him but me, and sam just didn't want to work with me. IF THATS THE ISSUE JUST TELL ME AND I WILL TRADE WITH SOMEONE WHAT THE FUCK. WHY WERE YOU MAKING THIS SO HARD. USE YOUR WORDS. NO ONE CAN READ YOUR MINDS. you both hoped someone else would step in to claim yoongi from me, but no one did. they all ended up being on my side instead and not helping you. cry about it.

also, if this person existed you should have put their name down on the doc but you did not, instead you said yoongi was still open to be picked for anyone, except for me apparently. i said "if no one else is doing it" the first time and no one else jumped in. i was clearly willing to give it away! if only you just talked about it with me honestly instead of playing these weird mind games..... you cannot put the blame on me here when you have worse communication skills than me, the autistic person lmao (i sear i have better communication skills than most allistics despite how much i struggle with it!)

but yeah of course, alex doesn't care if i'm autistic. he "couldn't care less and ain't gonna judge someone because of that" but this whole problem is him judging me for being autistic tbh. you don't understand autism CLEARLY since you were extremely unwilling to accommodate my communication needs (clear, straightforward, honest) and decided to play mind games instead

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS "BEHAVIOR" I SUPPOSEDLY HAD?!?!?!? you "never pointed it out because you didn't want me to be butthurt" (your calling ME immature and you're using "butthurt" lmao ok that's hilarious) you judge me for my "behavior" but refuse to "point out" what this behavior even is, when i NEED TO BE TOLD THINGS IN ORDER TO NOW ABOUT THEM. autism 101, try learning about it! me thinks it's an excuse because he can't actually tell me what i did wrong since there was nothing lmao

i don't like how tori worded this with the "doesn't know any better" part though. sounds like she's trying to excuse ACTUAL bad behavior, sinxe that happens all the time and i don't agree with that. it makes me angry. but she is right in that i don't know a lot of the time. IF NO ONE TELLS ME. you have to mention it to me and not expect me to read your mind! if i get no indication of how you feel based on my "behavior" then, how am i supposed to know i apparently did something wrong? (tbh i'm trying so hard to figure out what could have led to this, like what i did "wrong," because i'm the type to admit to my mistakes and try to learn fom them, and cna't even come up with anything at all. so it just sounds like pure victim blaming to me and trying to pretend he was the true victim)

but how am i supposed to know that asking why i wasn't marked down for yoongi and who this supposed other person was is "bad/immature behavior" LOL I CANNOT READ YOUR MINDS. the only other thing i said in the group chat was telling sam i loved their idea so i'd love to work with them since it looks like no one else is calling yoongi and he's the only one left. real immature of me 🙄

i know there was more, because tori was sharing some screenshots in the group chat and i remember her pointing out that sam joined in too and i think one of their other friends. they started shit talking her AND me in spanish, thinking we wouldn't understand. funny that my spanish speaking friend was reading all their replies and translating in the group chat LOL. i don't have those. i didn't screenshot the translation chats and didn't see them appear in the thread i just looked at.

after that, everything stopped i think. i don't remember anything else, so i think my crazy friends scared them off. we aren't friends anymore but i'm grateful for the help that i didn't ask for since in the end it made them leave me alone. i begrudgingly finished my art and turned it in. i decided to finish it because once i decide a thing, i stick to it, even if i'm super stressed and unhappy. but i also figured i'd be petty and not let sam have fun by getting a new partner since i didn't like whatever was happening. you're suffering with me buddy. didn't interact with them again after the collab ended. the end. alex sometimes sent messages pretending to be nice and stuff but i know it was all fake, especially after seeing the things he said to tori about me.

so.............WHAT THE FUCK. is there any explanation lmao. what was their reason? what was the purpose? i'm so confused. i want to understand them and why they did what they did (i know i will never. wanting to understand and struggling to accept i never will is a huge flaw of mine that i need to figure out how to stop, but don't know how)

i wish i had all the screenshots for better context, but at least there's a few. if someone reads this, do you have an explanation? is this a case of my autistic flaws caused a misunderstanding and i "did something wrong" in their eyes because they misunderstood, is it allistics suck at communicating even more than me and autistic person who is supposed to be the one "bad at communicating", or are they just bullies?

my conclusion is that they are bad at communication, sam threw a fit and made a mistake which they lied about, alex misunderstood and then blamed me for everything and decided i'm a bad person, so they did weird things to bully me, leading to alex saying really rude and insensitive things about me to tori when called out, playing the victim in it all when it's obvious he was in the wrong. sound about right?

[clowningcrows]

i fear i cannot mentally or emotionally handle being conscious much longer so im gonna take a melatonin and hope to god it works enough to make me pass out by 8:30 tbh

[gibbearish]

its been fun watching the hbomb subreddit try very very hard to stick to the "if anyone harasses james on my behalf they wont see the light of heaven" by imo overcorrecting to "any time anyone mentions somerton ever it's because you're obsessed with him and want to pick on him because he's the villain of the week" bc its like. yknow actually i dont think people keeping an eye on his various attempts to weasel back into the spotlight and keep doing his same old shit over the last /two months/ is the same as harassing him because it's hip and fun. i think maybe those are not the same thing