#but i have a blast looking this stuff up
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Doing very important research (scouring fandom wikis) for my very studious activities (crafting an outline for a fanfic)
#idk why i need to know every little detail of every little thing before i write anything#but i have a blast looking this stuff up
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This is a little head cannon/What if Macaque had more original powers, a little more Starry Night dreamlike powers leaning into the more nurturing kind, you know, the moon and sun kind of powers? 🌙☀️
Maybe in the past, he was like a therapy friend to Wukong, someone he could really be himself with, vent, and tell his secrets without being judged in the safety of his own dreams. Someone he can truly trust, and that was Macaque.
Skip to Redemption Ark for Mac
Now he's a therapy friend to the whole MK team! (Against his will) They cuddle, pet, and vent to him with their problems. He's like one of Sandy's therapy cats, just bigger and grumpier.😾💕✨ he just has this way with people I guess
Okay, this is how it starts: Macaque and Wukong's first encounter was in a dream.
Wukong would not shut up about the pretty demon in his crazy dreams, often to his sworn brothers; he talked about all the fun and crazy adventures he'd have, the long meaningful conversations and jokes, and the occasionally moving pictures of otherworldly strong magical humans with sparkly eyes and spiky hair who wield giant weapons that shoots Fire called anime, and that this had been going on for a few months now.
This annoyed and concerned them; they think it's a demon trying to take over the Monkey King's mind or trying to brainwash him somehow, so Azure Lion and the Sworn Brothers all brainstormed together to devise a plan to somehow confront this tricky dream demon. Wukong doesn't want the fun dreams to end or scare off this other celestial monkey, so he decides to talk to his friend in his dreams. Wukong casually brings up the idea that the macaque should visit Flower Fruit and meet his sworn brothers! Macaque of course hesitates, not sure of the idea of traveling to an unknown island and meeting The Monkey King's questionable choice of sworn brothers, but of course, Wukong, sad and a bit offended, but he doesn't give up.
He decides to bring upon the Ultimate Weapon, begging and whining until Macaque crumbles and gives in, which eventually does. Mac reluctantly agrees to travel over to FFM in disguise, just to be safe he tells Wukong he'll be there. Within a month, Wukong couldn't be more excited; he was like a little kid waiting for Christmas day!
So this is what kinds of powers I think he should have.
😴 the first pic is crossing over to other people's dreams and making their experience life-like he has illusion magic so this makes sense to me. Wukong and macaque would prank the Brotherhood or play tags and hide and seek in their brother's dreams. 🌸The second pic is the soothing ability to calm one's nerves if they pet or cuddle him like a therapy cat,🐈 Wukong would groom him for hours to calm his nerves. now come copes with food🍑🍔🍭
🌸🎶I saved the best one for last the cute/sad little head Cannon I have
At the end of every dream Mac visits they would end it by dancing to music Mac would bring from the future laughing and stumbling while wukong slowly wakes up, wukong has always gone to bed early But now he goes even earlier to bed. Wukong always thought he was the luckiest monkey in the world he gets to have two Adventure and one of them is with his prettiest best friend Macaque 😚✨the monkey of his dreams.
🌸 Wukong couldn't truly dream of a world without his bestest friend🥰✨
#monkie kid#lego monkie kid#lmk#sun wukong#six eared macaque#doodle#monkey king#macaque#shadowpeach#third idea of power: creating little stars out of his hands that float around like for his shadow play or a night light for the baby monkey#cute right!?#originally I was going to write a short fanfic about Wukong having nightmares and not being able to sleep because of that Mac notices#and decides to visit Wukong in his dreams#Hong Kong wakes up in his dream within a dream to a beautiful breathtaking flower field and seeing the beautiful sky it looks super Galaxy#and Mac just pops up out of nowhere and tries to start up a conversation#at first he's like cocky and stuff and then he gets little awkward#fumbling with his words and he gets a little bit more flustered wukong is like super confused and surprise to see him here#Mac gives up on trying to talk and just attacks wukong after a while we'll come figures out he's just play fighting they pretty much#just play tag and wukong slowly he gets into it but Mac starts cheating a little bit and this Riles up The Monkey King and they're just#having a blast now and at the end of it they start talking eating a few peaches just joking around it's awkward but it's nice wukongs#grooming him and he's just feeling a whole lot better Mac wants to know what's bothering him but he feels like can wait until Monkey King#Monkey King is ready for that macaque gets up extensive hand to Wukong they try to dance#and they're both terribly out of practice they keep going until they're tumbling and laughing and will come slowly gets up#with a smile on the face and super well-rested all thanks to macaque the monkey of his dreams#seriously if anybody wants to make a fanfic about this you have my full permission I don't know I think you guys can do way better than me😫
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Listen. Listen to me. Having privilege in one form or another, even situational and conditional privilege, doesn't de facto make you a bad person. A transmasc that applies to a job with their chosen name, whether or not that transmasc passes otherwise, will have privilege over a transfem applying to that same job, because of societal sexism. That doesn't suddenly mean that transmasc is a violent asshole putting transfems at risk, it just means that as a transmasc you gotta be more cognizant of how you navigate the world. It doesn't mean you don't experience oppression. It doesn't even mean you don't experience oppression unique to being transmasc! What it DOES mean is that whether you like it or not, your relationship to women and non-men are inherently different than they would be if you were a woman. And you're gonna have to reckon with that. You can't stop women you don't know from viewing you as a potential threat, but you can use what privilege you may have if you're stealth or pass to advocate for women, and trans women, and other trans men, and to. Y'know. Check yourself once in a while and make sure you're not falling into the toxic masculinity and patriarchal mindset so many of us have already suffered at the hands of.
#spitblaze says things#[posts this and logs off]#okay not really. but i will not be fucking engaging in debates about your wild-ass conjecture about my words or myself#transmascs get a lot of undue shit! we do! but a lot of us also end up taking stuff that is not actually undue personally#and like. ive been there. im not immune to getting in my own head about shit#ur not a bad person if you have either#just like. take a step back and look at the big picture. thats it#is this the most elegant. no#am i an expert. no#will i make a more articulate post later. maybe#i just had a brain blast and decided to make my own post rather than write an entire book in the tags of someone else’s post
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wanted to draw some au stuff, ended up redrawing and redesigning my first ocs/first ever comic and completely lost myself in it until 4am 🧍♀️
#its a story i completely abandoned and never looked again for years#bc it contained a lot of dark scenes and my adoptive father snooped in my room and stole the comic#to show everyone the cringey smut parts or dark scenes to convince ppl im deranged and get me hospitalized etcetc#(it wasnt that dark even)#so yea it brought bad memories up#now 10 yrs later and im finally touching it again and changing stuff and this feels like#being at peace now or smth???#anw if i go silent a bit its prob bc im having a blast w my stuff HHVSHS#babbles#tbd
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examining a seemingly normal image only to slowly realize the clear signs of AI generated art.... i know what you are... you cannot hide your true nature from me... go back where you came from... out of my sight with haste, wretched and vile husk
#BEGONE!!! *wizard beam blast leaving a black smoking crater in the middle of the tumblr dashboard*#I think another downside to everyone doing everything on phone apps on shitty tiny screens nowadays is the inability to really see details#of an image and thus its easier to share BLATANTLY fake things like.. even 'good' ai art has pretty obvious tells at this point#but especially MOST of it is not even 'good' and will have details that are clearly off or lines that dont make sense/uneven (like the imag#of a house interior and in the corner there's a cabinet and it has handles as if it has doors that open but there#are no actual doors visible. or both handles are slightly different shapes. So much stuff that looks 'normal' at first glance#but then you can clearly tell it's just added details with no intention or thought behind it. a pattern that starts and then just abruptly#doesn't go anywhere. etc. etc. )#the same thing with how YEARS ago when I followed more fashion type blogs on tumblr and 'colored hair' was a cool ''''New Thing''' instead#of being the norm now basically. and people would share photos of like ombre hair designs and stuff that were CLEARLY photoshop like#you could LITERally see the coloring outside of the lines. blurs of color that extend past the hair line to the rest of the image#or etc. But people would just share them regardless and comment like 'omg i wish I could do this to my hair!' or 'hair goallzzzz!! i#wonder what salon they went to !!' which would make me want to scream and correct them everytime ( i did not lol)#hhhhhhggh... literally view the image on anything close to a full sized screen and You Will SEe#I don't know why it's such a pet peeve of mine. I think just as always I'm obsessed with the reality and truth of things. most of the thing#that annoy me most about people are situations in which people are misinterpreting/misunderstanding how something works or having a misconc#eption about somehting thats easily provable as false or etc. etc. Even if it's harmless for some random woman on facebook to believe that#this AI generated image of a cat shaped coffee machine is actually a real product she could buy somewhere ... I still urgently#wish I could be like 'IT IS ALL AN ILLUSION. YOU SEE???? ITS NOT REALL!!!!! AAAAA' hjhjnj#Like those AI shoes that went around for a while with 1000000s of comments like 'omg LOVE these where can i get them!?' and it's like YOU#CANT!!! YOU CANT GET THEM!!! THEY DONT EXIST!!! THE EYELETS DONT EVEN LINE UP THE SHOES DONT EVEN#MATCH THE PATTERNS ARE GIBBERISH!! HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THEY ARE NOT REAL!??!!' *sobbing in the rain like in some drama movie*#Sorry I'm a pedantic hater who loves truth and accuracy of interpretation and collecting information lol#I think moreso the lacking of context? Like for example I find the enneagram interesting but I nearly ALWAYS preface any talking about it#with ''and I know this is not scientifically accurate it's just an interesting system humans invented to classify ourselve and our traits#and I find it sociologically fascinating the same way I find religion fascinating'. If someone presented personality typing information wit#out that sort of context or was purporting that enneagram types are like 100% solid scientific truth and people should be classified by the#unquestionaingly in daily life or something then.. yeah fuck that. If these images had like disclaimers BIG in the image description somewh#re like 'this is not a real thing it's just an AI generated image I made up' then fine. I still largely disagree with the ethics behind AI#art but at least it's informed. It's the fact that people just post images w/o context or beleive a falsehood about it.. then its aAAAAAA
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Every so often I dip into transformers fanfic (specifically bayverse) just because the concept of giant shape-shifting mechanical immortal robots just slaps so hard. All of the fics get so close but never quite scratch the itch I want, so here.
Cybertronian Sam Witwicky, vessel of the Allspark
A seeker, naturally, but I haven't decided on alts yet. Or a name (I like Rubicon, because of the doorway/point of no return/on a knifes edge between two worlds meaning and.. Also because the Allspark kinda looks like a rubics cube lmao)(but it doesn't sound quite right and I'd like to lean more into the idea of sacrifice maybe?)(or maybe something celestial or mythical for the space/alien/spark=stars metaphor... Apollo?).
I haven't seen it done, but I really like the idea of the Allspark using its own material to create the cybertronian body, given the total lack of actual resources it has (and needs). This would give Sam a very unique bronze/gold protoform instead of the usual grey/black metal, and eyes/optics the colour of sparks. The feather horn things were meant to be a lot smaller, but that was the smallest they got! And idk, I've grown to like them. A little nod to his organic origins. And the circles are supposed to be extra eyes. The boots I was delighted to find, they blend so well with the body and make it look like he's not bare lol. Because hero forge isn't quite that free with design (yet), please imagine a couple wheels by his ankles he can drop down to rollerblade on.
I had a ton of fun with the colours, I think it's my best one from scratch yet! It was so hard to keep from adding too much detail or clothing, and I did struggle with the sheer bulk of a typical cybertronian build. The pauldrons and scarf help with that, but he's intended to be pretty slight compared to the average anyway. In every continuity they're so, so bulky ToT. I might tinker with the proportions now I've finished the model! The spear... Well I'm a sucker for staffs, but it's not a cybertronian weapon unless it can slice or shoot something, preferably while transforming into something else. This one is also a laser gun, very energy intensive if you're not hooked into an infinite power source lmao. He's got a few emergency cannons in his arms, because... Why not?
Man, now I've made him, I want to write something for him so much... Must resist, must resist...
#transformers#transformers bayverse#sam witwicky#autobots#cybertronian#cybertron#hero forge#There's a lot of headcanons in here I've picked up from fics but I do want to hit up the wikis later#I love the idea of scarfs and head pieces being the only external decor everything else goes directly on the body#transformers cybertron#Cybertron would have a huge body mod scene fr#But I bet a huge part of the MEDICAL scene would be idiots putting unapproved stuff on themselves and it getting stuck/broken#When they turn into their alts XD.#DISTRACTED anyway I had a blast making this hope y'all enjoy it too#Cybertronian Sam Witwicky#3d model#3d art#I bet cybertronians who haven't been to earth look so different given their current forms are all reshuffled human vehicles#And their original alts would be so much smaller given human vehicles are 70% empty space#They really lucked out with vehicles and humans using them for transport. Like if they came in even a couple centuries ago...#The fact they're shapeshifters who can steal the forms of anything nearby of roughly the same mass and makeup is so so cool
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Do you own a lot of merch? If so how do you keep them from getting too dusty, whats the best way to keep them and saving space etc
I guess I own a… reasonable amount? 😆 When it comes to little toys and figurines, currently I only have a few of them on display (in a temporary little collection while I find something new to display stuff on), mostly dedicated to some of my Mojo stuff:
...I still need to fix the Mo Mojo statue, it's been ages (he got busted up in the mail, weh). 😫
But yeah, a lot of it isn't on display or anything, they're mostly in storage (not, like, a storage locker or anything... just in some plastic boxes/bags in my closet, haha). Actuallyyyy, as an example, I was cleaning up today and found some of the smaller things I used to have on display trapped in a Ziploc prison:
...which I guess could also look like crime scene evidence or illicit drugs.
I also just have a lot of practical merch, like clothes, jewelry, hair ties/clips, keychains for my purse and keys, stationary, makeup bags, etc. Oh yeah, and a bunch of media like magazines, books, DVDs, CDs., etc. Everything's just stored like you'd normally store that kinda stuff. Nothing fancy. One of these days maybe I'll try to get everything PPG-related that I own together and see how much junk I've actually collected, but yeah. I'd say it's like a medium amount. I am nowhere near Lenny Baxter levels of merch (nor would I wanna be!).
#i swear I owned like only a handful of things before starting this blog lol#and then i caught the bug of looking on ebay and mercari and buyee for things#my brand of retail therapy is looking up vintage ppg merch and seeing what kind of weird or fun things i can find#also people know i like the ppg IRL so they've alerted me to stuff and have gotten me presents which is sweet#weird merch#oh also re: dust it just... appears and I'll just brush it off with a swiffer thingee or a blast of compressed air 😆 works for everything
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Hello! I'd like to request "There's an 80% chance of this working out" from List 5 with Mahiru and Mikoto! Horoscope Girl and Tarot Boy...what will they do...
Ooh this one was so fun, thank you!! It was really neat learning about tarot :0 (It'll take a bit longer, but I got carried away with the idea and also started writing something of Mikoto doing a reading for Fuuta hehe). It always makes me sad that Mahiru doesn’t trust Mikoto at first, so it was really fun to picture them bonding over things like this during T1! I never thought of them having that in common and my mind has been opened to this duo asdfsdfds
“Alright, I’m going to need you to manifest your energy as hard as you can.”
Mahiru squeezed her eyes shut. Her face scrunched up in concentration. She let out a little hum of effort as she poured all her emotions into the card deck under her fingertips.
“Uh… maybe not that hard, Mappi.”
She looked up with a giggle. “Right, right! I’m just so curious!” Well, she was curious about how a tarot reading itself would go, not about what it would tell her. Mahiru was fairly confident of her upcoming verdict, and the cards would only confirm it. So far only one prisoner had been named guilty, and everyone could see he was just a bully. Mahiru was nothing like him. She would be forgiven. She just knew it.
Mikoto started shuffling the cards. “Are you ready?”
“Oh, yes!”
To be honest, she’d had her suspicions about Mikoto for a while. His smile was too perfect at all hours of the day. (Even someone as cheery as her knew a smile like that couldn’t be consistently real.) She’d seen enough cheaters who chatted as easily as he could with everyone here. His nicknaming habit was a cute one, but she was keeping her eye on how informally he acted with little basis for friendship. She knew for sure he was a dangerous flirt when he’d grabbed her palm to read her fortune, launching into talk of life and love lines. However, none of that meant he was lying about his tarot expertise -- so who was she to refuse his offer to read her cards?
Her eyes glimmered as she watched Mikoto lay out three cards before her. Though he used the same theatrics he had for the others, she was just as entranced. It was just so magical, she thought.
Mikoto circled his palms over the cards. “We’re going to begin by looking at the past and present to get a bit of perspective before we move on to what your future will hold, alright?” He’d already explained that the cards couldn’t read one’s future as much as they offered self-awareness. He said it was all about being in tune with oneself, and the world. She was sure someone like him was already perfectly aligned within himself, but she could admit her heart carried her away at times…
Mahiru held her breath as he flipped the first card. She studied his face for any trace of negativity. Seeing her worry, he slipped back into his usual smile. “For the past, we have the Reversed Page of Cups,” he said. “This suit deals with emotions and intuition.”
Mahiru nodded, excited at the accuracy. Her past certainly had its share of intense feelings.
“This card in particular may mean emotional insecurity, or immaturity. It could also point to an avoidance of reality, something that’s not being faced head-on.”
She nodded, with a little less excitement this time.
“It also represents a specific person who influences you.” His face lit up, recalling Mahiru’s favorite topic. “Pages can represent a companion! Is there a romantic someone in your life who may have been causing some emotional insecurity?”
Picking up on the way her face paled, he said quickly, “or maybe not! They could be a messenger, or a childlike figure, or…” He reached for the next card. “Moving on, uh, to the present. Ah! This is a really good sign.”
She perked up.
“Here’s Justice. It’s fairly self-explanatory, representing the consequences that follow your actions. It’s about cause and effect, and accountability. It means things are happening according to karma, which is natural.”
He turned over the last card. “And finally, when looking to the future, we’ve got the Two of Swords. Swords deal with the mind -- conflict and communication. That’s… interesting.”
Mahiru’s eyes grew round. “What’s interesting?” She slid the card closer to herself, studying the picture. A blindfolded woman with two swords. There was water, and the moon. Was that bad? Was the woman unhappy? She was all alone. What did that mean?
“Don’t worry,” Mikoto soothed. “It just means you’ll make a big choice. Well, actually, it means you’ll get stuck, so you need to make a choice. I just thought it was funny, we’re here wondering about Es’ decision, but it turns out you’re the one who needs to make a decision.”
“Ah,” she breathed a sigh of relief.
“Now we can look at the big picture. It seems like some of your past problems may have come from emotional issues, so you’ll want to keep an eye on your emotions going forward.” Mahiru shifted. “The fact that we pulled Justice should reassure you about being here. I’ve heard some of the others complain that they don’t belong here, or it’s all a mistake, but this card is showing you that it’s just cause and effect. The events of your life are running their natural course.”
It was true, even she had been unhappy that her actions were being labeled that of a murderer. After all, those were an entirely different breed of people, right? Someone like Fuuta, who was guilty. People like her and Mikoto could never raise a hand to another. It was good to know, then, that this was all meant to be.
“And going forward, you’re gonna want to make sure you’re being decisive. Face your problems head-on, and communicate. If you can do that, things will be alright.” He folded his hands on the table, finished his reading.
Mahiru thought for a moment. A smile crept onto her face, growing larger and brighter by the second. She clasped her hands together. “That’s wonderful! Thank you so much for doing this. It’s told me everything I need to know.”
“Yeah?” He picked the cards up, shuffling them back into the deck. She pulled a slip of paper from her pocket, pointing to some lines scribbled down.
“Yes. I’ve been jotting down some birthdays, see? I’ve had to make a few guesses until I get more information, but if Es is either a Scorpio or a Virgo… as a Capricorn myself… we’re very compatible, look! Capricorns have excellent communication with both of those signs, and you said that’s what I’ll need to get through this tough decision.” She turned the paper over to reveal more notes. “On top of that, my extraction is scheduled right before my birthday, during Capricorn’s governing period. At that time, things will be aligned more in my favor.”
Mikoto’s eyebrows raised at her notes, impressed. “Wow! You have this all worked out, huh? If that’s the case, you seem very prepared to have a successful interrogation.”
She steepled her fingers. “I’d say there’s an 80% chance of this working out!”
“Definitely!”
He returned her beaming smile. Things would be perfect. Nothing to worry about.
#milgram#mikoto kayano#mahiru shiina#*narrator voice* and then she didnt communicate or face her conflict head-on.#it was too late to switch pov but im obsessed with how many tarot resources talk about being in tune with yourself and your identity#being secure and aware of your own mind#and just how clever it is that the symbol was chosen for mikoto...#tihtbilwy released just a few days before her birthday - thats so cute!#featuring @snakes-and-fluff's hc that mikoto can do palm reading and other things! i really loved that#there must have been such a crazy atmosphere in the prison during mahirus interrogation/verdict#halfway through all interrogations and only one person voted guilty - and hes the most obviously brash and loud one#i feel like everyone would be feeling really safe -- an then someone as sweet as mahiru gets her verdict. everyone would start to worry#if anyone who knows more about tarot/astrology sees any glaring flaws let me know lmao -- i did my best looking things up 👍#thank you so much for the request!! it was such a blast#(though also im yelling at you for sending it because ive been roped into reading my partners grandmothers cards possibly daily after#she caught me looking stuff up 😂😂😂)#drabbles
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Here is a screenshot of my heavily modded ship in Starbound!! I've been working on it for a couple days now and I really like how it's turned out :3 I still have the cockpit to make pretty, but I have no idea what I want to do with it.
Most of the furniture is from "WW Furniture" (Steam Workshop link)!! I've installed too many mods to list, but if there's anything in particular you're curious about I can absolutely get the mod pages for you!!
#the nameplate signs are animated so the letters bob up and down :3#the main/front room of the ship is just storage so its fine it doesnt fit in the screenshot.#i am playing as a custom race (the 'familiars' race i think) but im pretty sure the ship is just the human ship.#you can see my little character under the neon FOOD sign :3#even though my wife doesnt play starbound i still made her a room on my ship because i love her very much!!!!!#i might do some little adjustments n stuff but im happy with how it looks :3#OH OH ALSO the bi flag is 2 custom signs!!#ive been playing starbound since before the full release and ive only gotten into mods like. last week. i am having a blast :3#batty blogging#text#image#starbound#idk the starbound tags
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I need a new thing to give me brainworms and make me go crazy
#pickle pontificates#or just like. a thing i can have a blast with#too many things out there that are objectively pretty good. solid thumbs up. but flawed in ways that aren't fun#flawed in ways that make me start overanalyzing why it didn't quite work for me since it almost did#I don't have the brainspace for that#i want to have a dunmeshi mob psycho fma manga out of body experience#i want to be dissolved into a crying snotty mess by people with stupid names like what the httyd books did to me#or taz balance.#i want blorbos that invade my head at all hours just to rotate at mach 20 speed like tbhk#dang the more i look at this list the more i think I'm maybe really into stuff that's stupid and funny but takes its emotional core#so seriously that it 360 noscopes your heart and destroys you#I don't even really know that this is like a request for recs bc taste is a funny thing#i mean it's not not one but i cannot guarantee that your brainworms are mine
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the Starlight Express Alumni Podcast is fascinating because you have
-multiple stories of people accidentally falling into roles that suit them perfectly, in very different ways
-Reva Rice basically never got hurt and one of the only times she did was OFF SKATES when she fell down the stairs
-Dolan Jose REALLY wanting to cover the “girl components” and being SO excited to at least be Wrench
-the mental image of a 6’6 Vegas Showgirl looking guy as a couples therapist
-the perpetual challenge of casting Poppas lol this constantly comes up in different Stex interviews
#eric clausell seems like a really nice guy but it’s just REALLY funny imagining him in mundane settings#honestly i find the production history and stories behind stex more interesting than a lot of the actual canon#there is so much fascinating depth behind how the skating physics impact characters#makes me really want to get back to the rink and maybe look into classes so i can just understand that aspect of them better#stuff like “‘cars’ have to hold on VERY tight because some of the ‘engines’ will just blast off”#the poppas usually needed the most warnings/guidance for cars because some of them did unusual things#because he’s SO hard to cast they’d just work with what they could get skating ability wise a lot of the time#lon satton only braked on one side and needed to be pushed up hills/didn’t control himself well going down#it’s also funny how mykal is constantly haunting them because they’ll namedrop him constantly and assume you know who he is#but barely say anything about him and he never actually appears#i want to use that as a story element somewhere because it’s mysterious and amusing#just make mysterious comments about how great Joe Schmoe is and never elaborate assuming you know who he is already
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Bleh.
#idk. experiencing that fun dooming feeling of knowing im too weird and sensitive to engage in proper fandom.#so i just watch everyone else have a fucking blast and i sit here in my 'i feel way too much way too hard' corner#i want to be able to engage in stuff more. to talk to people more. to ENJOY things more#instead i live in fear every fucking day of what thing is gonna accidentally upset me#and ill have to deal with the mental torment nexus that follows for the next 8 hours#like this cannot be normal. this has to be a thing that can be treated#but i have no money or resources to look into that#i just wish i was normal.#im so tired of making friends while wearing a mask#and realizing i can never take it off because they'll leave as soon as i do#be nice be agreeable be kind you have to you HAVE to or you'll have no one#idk i wanna give up im so tired all the time.#my ideas all feel like shit. all being creative has done is make people drop me and hate me.#im loved until im not what they want they thought i was.#im always needed never wanted.#i keep! trying to find spaces i feel like me in. that i feel GOOD in#and its the same fucking story no matter what. i never do it *right*.#i don't do ships right i don't do trans right i don't do bi right i don't do aro right.#every community has made it clear that im not what they want.#im tired of floating and being lost. what would it matter if i was lost forever that seems to be what the universe wants for me anyway.#im tired of living based on what everyone else wants#I'd rather die finally doing something just for me.#vent
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this is random well not really but i love tyler posey so much he deserves the world and i wish him nothing but the best and i hope that he is always surrounded by people who love him and have his best interests at heart <3333
#tyler posey#he’s so fucking precious#personally i do not cape for celebrities beyond aesthetic reasons but fuck he seems like such a lovely person#idk i feel old i remember looking up to him when i was q5 bc he was so weird and openly loving towards others#like watching bfs stuff was always such a blast because he literally cares so much for everyone and no one ever had anything bad to say#about him#weirdos in this fandom esp on twitter have always been vicious and disgusting in their dislike for whatever prejudiced reason but he#hasn’t changed. at all.#he’s still the same guy i looked up to#obviously i’m obsessed with the character scott mccall but posey as a human being just seems so wonderful#lol my tags ugh i meant when i was 15 not q5#and bts stuff not bfs stuff#you know what ignore my tags whatever#the point is i just want him to be happy i think he deserves it.#this movie is going to make me so mad i can feel it. but also#it’s him so i can’t wait <3
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Quite honestly, i think people just dont like to acknowledge how many times i have been victimized bc it doesnt work for their narrative of the Scary Bad Trans Guy With No Regard For Others And Likes To Kick Puppies And Doesnt Know Real Pain Or Trauma
#bc otherwise yall would have to feel bad about putting me through way more additional unnecessary trauma on here#and i swear its yall who believe everything my abuser says about me. you need to tell yourself its true that i did the shit they accuse me#of and theyre just this pure uwu innocent pewson who doews no wongg umu#yall dont wanna except ive been through hell bc then you gotta accept youve put me through additional unnecessary hell that only warped my#perception worse of a community i thought i was fuckin part of and accepted in but apparently tf not#like you only have yourselves to blame for that shit. for why i hate online queer spaces now.#man it would just suck so so hard for your narrative if i was actually abused as much as i say and my abusive x was actually lying about me#bc otherwise how will you pretend trans men never ever experience any issues ever?#like i dont need to look. ik im one of the main blogs yall like to target and put on blast for transandrophobia stuff bc im super fuckin#outspoken about my shit (nevermind that yall never directly confront me). i already know thats how it is bc theres ppl on here who have a#apparently deep interest in constantly hating me and trying to find reasons im wrong. so when i say something is bad they habe to act like#its good actually somehow. and ik it all roots back to my abuser. there is literally no other reason i can think of that would mame ppl#that invested in hating me unless they believe everything my ex says. so undoubtedly theres ppl in my exs spaces who believe#transandrophobia is fake men arent oppressed ever etc etc. i digress. but ik its yall who've propped this whole shit up#ik its yall who put me on blast for this first and triwled to spread it that i was one of the Big Bad Names in the transandrophobia spaces#so ik yall use me as an example. ik you tell people i lie about everything. ik you tell people i exaggerate. ik you tell people im crazy#ik you tell ppl they cant trust me or rely on me and spread all the bs my ex says about me and even spreads their abuse toward me further#by even doing that shit. yall NEED to keep believing that im the Big Bad Trans Guy that you think i am bc otherwise your whole worldview#falls tf apart. everything you've been standing on online about how trans mascs who believe in transandrophobia are bad would fall apart.#if i am really as fuckin abused and victimized as i say. suddenly you dont get to use me as the example for Bad Transandrophobia Believer#and I KNOW thats the only reason yall choose not to listen or believe us. its LITERALLY just because you're choosing a side in a personal#relationship situation. ik it has nothing to do with politics for plenty of you. you're taking a side and shitting out reasons for why you#did after the fact.#if you really care about politics n shit you should listen to ALL THE OTHER TRANS MEN TALKING ABOUT THIS#besides using one person as your example for why you shouldnt believe people who believe this is a thing.#i mean. even aside the fucking fact that its all bs. if yall dont wanna believe me. whatever. you can get traumatized by them if you want#idefc at this point. if you actually care about politics as much as you say you gotta engage w people in good faith and uh maybe try n#listen to the SWATHES of other trans guys who also talk about this shit and thinks its real.
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thank you, tv room, for giving me a brain blast and helping me FINALLY decide between some different ren origin options after mulling over them for months :) he may have come fully formed in my brain personality-wise, but i'm still working on details.
still waiting on that voice claim brain blast tho KJANSFKJN
#literally been listening to two tv room tracks for MONTHS... and when i finally looked up the full albums last night#it was like a neon sign pointing me to something obvious that i hadn't thought to look up ;;#currently: mom's french canadian > immigrates to maine after meeting his dad there > ren's born > he moves south for college / to escape#and i'm gonna hide this in the tags bc despite it all i'm still nervous KJANSDFKJN but#after all this time i'm wondering if i'm building up the voice thing when it isn't like... i'm-gonna-be-crucified bad?#he is absolutely peak white liberal + everything but his most recent stuff is Genuinely Bad... maybe this will give it away#but i only knew about him from vine and from other white liberals talking up his most recent n/etflix special when it released...#so seeing the other stuff while looking for ren-isms Took Me Out. but he's clearly... grown? i guess?? still irony poisoned#and cynical and annoying as shit but... yknow... more harmful comedians are given bigger platforms etc etc.#if that's enough to give shit away and you know anyone who has a similar voice and isn't. yknow. him? i'm Begging and Pleading. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻#evil brain blast cursed me and i've been working to break the curse ever since... so any and all recs are VERY much appreciated ;;;#currently searching through queer comedians to see if i can find anyone w the same tone but not having as much luck as i thought i would.#SEND TWEET KJSANDFKJn been sitting on this for a couple of hours. Debating. it's gonna happen eventually tho so it might as well be now.#📌 [ my posts. ]#🍄 [ lying on the blade of an emotion. ]#��� [ can't escape it. ]#✨ [ oc lore. ]#✏️ [ my scenarios. ]#🐸 [ look ahead. ]#🧃 [ who is in control. ]
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i got a new laptop and just opened csp on it, scribbled a few lines with the trackpad, and gasped. yeah so turns out using the same busted laptop for a decade can maybe be like the entire reason why digital art has been extremely unpleasant for the past couple years
#i don't have pressure sensitivity on and it just looks so bright and clear and open?????#what the fuck???#goddamnit now i have to find time to draw now that i actually want to UGH#bc its a silly new mac i need to see if my old tablet will even work with it or the mandatory adaptor won't funk it up#none of my actual stuff is transferred. all i have is firefox with ublock and csp. priorities lmao#this weekend i might buy bg3 for my beefy shiny new laptop and blast my skull with brainworms
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