#but i feel like i have no claim to that label especially with my current partner who is not a woman and is much more androgynous than fem

[reenaria]

currently having a queer identity crisis on this accursed holiday

[sirgogington]

My Word Vomit Response on the Shelby Situation

Main Situation: Last week Wilbur Soot from Lovejoy was accused of having been abusive towards his ex girlfriend Shelby. Shelby is a live streamer and last week she did a livestream about the signs of knowing if you are in an abusive relationship. She never stated his name, but from details given people started assuming it was about Wilbur Soot. A few days later Wilbur confirmed that it was him in an apology tweet on his Twitter account. The abuse had to do with painful biting, and manipulation. 

    I want to start off by saying I do believe Shelby's story. I don't think Wilbur is innocent, but I do believe this situation isn't as black and white as people are claiming it to be. 

    Former fans after hearing the story started unfollowing Wilbur and Lovejoy and saying what a terrible man that Wilbur is, and vowing to never listen to or view any of his content ever again. He's not just a terrible man, he has to be evil too. I may be optimistic but I do think most people can change for the better if they truly want to. There are exceptions, but I truly believe that Wilbur can. The internet wants to just label him as evil and not give him any room to do that. The new thing is "guilty until proven innocent" and that's super harmful as I will go into in a different post. The way people are spreading hate in a us/them mentality is not a mature way of viewing/handling this situation and does more harm than good. Especially when it comes to death threats and doxing which have been received by both sides.

   Wilbur is someone who had a hard upbringing, and has brought up at different times his struggles with mental health. On screen or on stage you would never know this about him, because he has this mask of being confident, well spoken, and joyful. Through these details Wilbur has shared we know that touring took a lot out of him mentally and put him in a bad place, but that he was seeking therapy and is probably currently still seeing a therapist to try and get better. He's shared in the past that when he first blew up on the internet he used alcohol to cope because of how overwhelming it was that so many people were consuming his content. From Shelby's stream we also learned that his living space was dirty and unhygienic and that he would make excuses for it. The details for me paint the picture of a guy struggling badly with mental illness and having a hard time caring for himself and his home. Someone who can hardly take care of themselves should not have been in a relationship. This puts a lot on the other person.  It's different if he were stable and then then his mental health crashed in the middle of a longer relationship, but not if your too mentally ill to begin with. I do deeply feel sorry that Shelby had to experience that, as it truly shouldn't have happened. 

   I went to school for psychology and know quite a bit about different types of mental illnesses. I am by no means diagnosing Wilbur, but I do think he shows signs of someone with Boderline Personality Disorder. Borderline Personality Disorder is an emotional disregulation disorder characterized by unstable mood, behavior, and relationships. People with BPD self sabotage and will frequently end up pushing people away because they don't think they're good enough for them. (In this case maybe he wanted to act so bad so she would leave him, which is very unhealthy). People with BPD also go through depressive episodes and can act impulsively. Without therapy it is extremely hard to cope with this condition but with therapy you can make great strides in changing. I think like most mental illnesses you are aware of the fact you don't like the way you're acting you just have a hard time controlling it. For instance for me growing up with anxiety I knew most of my fears were completely irrational but that didn't stop them from overtaking my life and still feeling anxious. Wilbur has written some really deep lyrics on his new solo album Mammalian Sighing Reflex and I feel like it reflects that he doesn't like the way he is and feels guilty about those he's harmed through it. Maybe I'm giving this man too much credit, but like I said I do believe most people are capable of changing for the better. 

   Shelby stated she did the livestream as a way to help protect other victims of domestic violence and Wilbur Soot himself. He might still be dangerous to the public, it's really hard to know. I know after my own situation with being manipulated I was worried about the guy going after other younger women like he had with me. I didn't want anyone else have to be in that situation so I understand where Shelby is coming from. I also know that if the guy in my life had ever posted an apology, no matter how good it was, that I still wouldn't believe him and have a hard time forgiving him. Bold take but I think his apology was at least decent. Could it have been better, yeah, but could it have been a lot worse, also yes. In his apology he admits to being the person Shelby was talking about. He states that her feelings are valid, and that he wants people to hold him to higher accountability, and that he was sorry for any hurt he caused. Maybe he isnt, but it's hard to know. Wilbur stated in a livestream from last October 2023 that he was going to therapy the next day, because of this we can assume that Wilbur has been going to therapy at minimum since October. In that same livestream he states that he showers once a day when he's in his "big sad", and that he has rented places all over Brighton. He is at least hygienic in this regard, maybe moreso than he was before. It could be a red flag that Wilbur has lived all over Brighton due to possible evictions whether that be negligence or noise complaints from doing livestreams.

   We'll never know how other content creators truly feel about him except for the ones that made it obvious. Of course most content creators are going to jump on the bandwagon and agree that he's an evil man. If they don't then they'll lose their platform because of all the hate they'd get. I do believe some content creators will still hang out with Wilbur secretly or still even remain his friend. But we'll never know. 

   For the people who are posting different video evidences of Wilbur supposedly showing signs of being abusive in the past this is what is called confirmation bias. If you believe someone is abusive suddenly you can find details in the littlest things to confirm your thought process. A lot of the clips I've been seeing have been of normal everyday behavior or confirmed bits. I've seen people say that Wilbur must have bit down really hard to leave bruises. In some cases people bruise more easily than others. I know I have random bruises on my body from nothing. We can tell that what Wilbur did however was pretty painful due to have to use a safe word. Getting bitten usually hurts. I've been bitten by a 5 year old at work and can't imagine how it would feel to be bitten by a grown man who intentionally bit down hard.

This could be confirmation bias as well, but when looking at the lyrics in Mammalian Sighing Reflex and at the album art it seems to tell the story of a man (Wilbur) who really messed up in a relationship and is feeling the pain from that, and has a lot of regret due to knowing he was the cause of her pain. He poured so much of himself into the album it's like he's bleeding out in front of the audience with the amount of vulnerability.

Analyzing lyrics because why not, using lyrics from "Mammalian Sighing Reflex"

"I get so drunk I can barely see." If this album is related to his relationship with Shelby, which I think it probably is, then maybe he tried to cope with the relationship failing by using alcohol, or sabotaged the relationship through drinking.

"A lot of friends have left my life, escaping my tractor beam of woe" Having a mental illness can make it hard to maintain friendships. This could be because it makes you so self-focused on your problems, or that people get tired of hearing about your problems. If you constantly talk about how sad you are, some people are going to have a hard time dealing with that, or get burnt out from having to keep on cheering you up.

"Fuck my life, you cared when I was sick, no one ever gave a shit.....you fought this war one-sided and asked me what am I doing this for." These lyrics seem to speak about how in a past relationship (probably meaning with Shelby), that she cared that he was mentally ill/in a low point and wanted to help him get better. The fight to help him get better was one-sided due to Wilbur not helping to get himself better. If he would have helped her then they "could of stitched my mind together."

"Never been the one for romance, never thought that I'd get married. Never been the kind to give a shared life a second glance, selfish prose." In Shelby's livestream she talked about how her and Wilbur talked about the possibility of getting married and having kids until he backtracked and said that he wasn't that way and changed his mind.

The song "I Don't Think It Will Ever End" is how his mind seems to work in cycles. He'll be sad, because he feels sad he hides away for a bit, but then he feels silly for hiding himself so he forces himself to interact with people. But then when forcing himself to interact again he feels sad, which he says is not a good feeling when you're supposedly in a good phase. He says as self-sabotage he gets silly. Wilbur is known for telling a lot of jokes, and maybe this is a way he masks his true feelings. Also for Mammalian Sighing Reflex it says the songs were written by William Gold (his legal name) and performed by Wilbur Soot (his stage name). Wilbur is who the internet/fans see him as and William Gold is who he really is. Meaning the way we see him online is the extroverted, charismatic, likeable guy we know him as whereas William Gold is introverted, self-sabotaging, nerdy, and a deep thinker.

     The internet gives us way too much information. We're constantly bombarded with more and more information. Before the internet and even in the earlier internet days you did not have this. People were not being as closely viewed and known as they are now. You have to be careful about every little thing you say, because God forbid you say the wrong thing and get canceled. It didn't used to be this way. The only reason you'd ever know anything bad about a celebrity is if they were in the news. I think most of the media we consume whether TV shows, movies, etc. have the potential to have us supporting "bad people". It would be overwhelming to look up every single person we had ever consumed media from and sift through what are lies and what are not about each actor, singer, etc. I get that people don't want to give a platform to people doing bad things, but it's almost impossible to know and to remove every single bad person from the content you consume.  Being a celebrity in general is hard. It's easy to become addicted to drugs, and experience toxicity especially celebrities that live in Los Angeles. Most become people they regret, but some change for the better too. I'm not saying people who do serious crimes should get out of jail because they can become better people. People in jail should remain in jail for serious crimes. Time will tell what becomes of him. If more about him is released or if he's able to actually make strides in his health like he said he would. We will wait and see. I really hope he can heal and get better. Even the most unlikely ones can change their lives. You can both support Shubble and hope that Wilbur gets better.

[myobsessionsspace]

My leanings and my feelings

Sometimes labels can be limiting and sometimes they can be liberating.

They can help people understand others better, help people understand themselves better, but they can also pigeon hole people and allow people to make snap judgements on others.

After the last two years of this Chapter Two experience, I’ve grown a distaste for certain fandom labels, I’ve seen them been used as weapons in the online war of words, I’ve seen them being used to dismiss people’s right to express anything within the fandom ‘shut up you’re just a shipper' 'shut up you’re just a … solo’

I fell in love with BTS, and as I deep dived into their world I proudly took up the label of ARMY for myself. I fell in love with Jikook’s unique bond and took up the label of jikooker for myself.

With the roll out of solo works I began to feel, I dunno, constrained? I'll go with constrained...by the label of ARMY.

With Chapter Two, it felt that there was always a herd of fans dictating onto other fans, new and old, giving guides and their no nonsense strict rules on 'how to be an ARMY'. With no exception to the rule that, if you don't without question LOVE anything and everything from each solo endeavour of each member, you're not a 'true' ARMY.

So I thought I didn’t have a right to that title, I didn't connect with it when used by others as a bragging tool, used to divide, as a weapon and insult. Even though I still love the group, am still a dedicated fan proud of their past and looking forward to their future.

It didn't seem to me that it could be allowed to be used simply for those who are a dedicated fan of BTS.

So with that, I naively thought that for Chapter Two and going forward, if Jimin and Jungkook are my main biases, I could be a PJM, a JJK, a Jikooker and an ARMY, right?

WRONG

I became disgusted with how those that proudly label themselves JJKs treated and still treat the rest of the members (especially Jimin), the disgusting lengths they will go to, to erase any connection of Jungkook to his members, who with his own mouth has said are his priority. BTS is Jungkook's priority.

I realised to call yourself a JJK, it meant you only believed in JK and would do anything for the feeling of superiority, even sabotage his beloved members. JJKs delude themselves to believe that the rise to his current heights did not involve anyone else and that Jungkook doesn't need or want anyone else. To call yourself a JJK means partaking, supporting or surrounding yourself with people and ideals that Jungkook himself would want no parts of or association with.

I realise I AM NOT A JJK.

I became disgusted with those that proudly label themselves as PJMs, not the ones that insist they discovered Jimin after FACE and are only interested in him and have no ill will towards anyone or anything else, they just like Jimin (*if* we are to believe that to be as innocent as that).

No, I became disgusted with the PJMs that find it ok to use the same tools that has been used against Jimin. The PJMs that feel justified to ‘defend’ Jimin by belittling the other members, to use Jungkook or other members as their weapon of attack, the PJMs that lay all blame of any wrong, hate or 'perceived' injustice of Jimin’s at his members feet.

The PJMs that go on the offence when Jimin antis use such as ‘so and so’s wh*r*’ or ‘nepobaby’ ‘p*gm*n’ etc and then think they're defending Jimin reasonably by calling Jungkook ‘so and so’s who’re’ ‘nepok**k’, ‘nosek**k’.

Trying to erase the years of love Jimin has intentionally directed towards his members and ARMY. The type of 'defence' and attack the self titled PJMs involve themselves with is not what anyone would believe Jimin would be in support of or want to claim as his.

I also realise I AM NOT A PJM.

I stream, vote, buy and consume all of Jimin’s solo work and all of Jungkook's solo work. I consume any members solo content I find interesting and enjoy.

Jimin is my bias. Jungkook is my bias. AND I love BTS

I don’t support any of the ‘solo’ rhetoric (I do hate that ‘you’re a solo’ is used as an insult or immediate dismissal towards anyone that speaks up for one member though).

When I say solo rhetoric I mean things like ‘my fav is the only one mistreated by the company’ ‘my fav has no one but me’ (when the fave has millions of fans/supporters) ‘my fav recognised me with a secret emoji’ ‘this dancer/collaborator knows it’s his solo fans not ARMY that only and truly love him’ ‘my fav made BTS’ ‘my fave needs to leave the company but they’re jealous and won’t let him’ is that kind of rhetoric.

I don’t support anything that isn’t minding your business, voting, streaming, buying for the artists you like and spreading positivity.

IN ADDITION

I came in because of BTS and I’m staying because of BTS. ARMY-ing the 'right' way or not.

I do not wish for BTS to break up, I support their content, I like their content, I stream for them as a whole, I vote for them as a whole, I buy for them as a whole.

I support them now, I look forward to 2025 and will support them for as long as they remain in the public eye and unproblematic.

I’m 아포방포

💜

[thelaurenshippen]

good night laurinia, do you have any canon sexualities for your characters? Other than the more blatant one's like Mark's bisexuality and chloe being ace,, I'm especially curious about joan wadsworth and owen, xoxo ♡

good morning anon!

so, the answer to this is a little complicated simply because of my current feelings around the idea of "canon" and my position as a creator on the internet who has a direct line of communication with my audience. so, sorry for answering such a simply question with a long and winding ramble about the current state of storytelling, but I will get to your actual question.

for a long time, I answered questions over on @thebrightsessions tumblr about anything and everything people wanted to know about when it came to my characters. but as the show grew bigger, people started to take those answers as gospel truth, even when the only evidence of that "canon" was a tumblr post and not the show itself. I want people to do whatever they want with my world and characters and it started to feel as though sharing my thoughts about things was discouraging that or disappointing people in some way.

so now, I mostly keep answering those questions to the atypipals discord. the community there is pretty tight, so they get a lot of my secrets lol, as well as my uncensored thoughts on things because we've all agreed that what I say means absolutely nothing if it's not in the text! (nap of the author, we call it, because thankfully no one wants me dead).

ALL TO SAY, there are some strong assumptions to be made about the characters based on the show, even when their sexualities aren't explicitly stated. when you expand to include the canon novels, there's even more.

but, as far as I can recall, I think the only sexualities that are explicitly stated are (just including voiced characters in the podcast - the novels have a bunch more):

Mark is bisexual

Chloe is asexual (she's also panromantic, but I don't believe I ever use that word, simply mention that she has two exes names Alex, one boy and one girl)

Adam is gay

Sadie is straight

Rose is gay

...I think that's it? no one else claims a label, I don't think, but obviously there are several other characters who have same-sex relationships:

Caleb canonically pretty much is only into Adam

Sam dates both Mark and Mags

It is heavily implied that Oliver has a thing for Mark

It is explicitly stated in the books that Damien is in love with Mark

Frankie is a trans man who dates Caitlin, which I consider a queer relationship given Frankie is a member of the queer community

and then, of course, there are the characters that are never in a romantic relationship in the podcast or are only seen in heterosexual relationships - those sexualities are up to interpretation! that does mean I don't have a straight answer (pun intended) to the characters you asked about, because amongst those three, all we know is that Joan dated Owen and had a thing for Jackson.

I hope that's not too frustrating of an answer!

[hiiragi7]

Honestly, it's talked about a lot just how rigidly medical many anti-endo spaces are, but I don't think it's talked about nearly enough how pro-endo spaces often fall into the exact same rhetoric. In fact, I have seen many pro-endos who push for even more strict medicalization than anti-endos do with regards to CDDs.

I cannot count the amount of times I have seen a pro-endo system say "I cannot have DID because I did not experience this specific type of severe abuse" or "I cannot have DID because my trauma didn't happen before the age of 9" or "I cannot have DID because I can still function fairly well in my daily life".

By making statements about what kind of trauma needs to happen, or quoting rigid age ranges for DID, or drawing lines in the sand at how disabled you need to be in order for it to count as "disordered enough" to be DID, pro-endos very much frequently fall into the exact same arguing points as anti-endos in order to seperate themselves from DID even if they claim to be against and mock the strict medicalization of DID often seen in anti-endo circles.

Despite claiming all the time that the rules are not as rigid as anti-endos make them out to be, pro-endos still often view DID as something "other" and create similar strict rules and binaries surrounding DID. It's especially prominent in systems who call themselves OSDD, who view OSDD as "less bad DID" and so cling to the OSDD label when their symptoms actually align more with DID. The lines they draw between OSDD and DID very often just show a lack of understanding of what DID's diagnostic criteria actually describes based on their own misconceptions about what DID is, which tends to be very narrow and specific. (Not to say everyone with OSDD is actually DID, of course, but it is a much higher number than people are really comfortable talking about.)

A lot of the time, this is very heavily related to downplaying symptoms as well as misinformation about what DID is. However, when downplaying is related to trauma, it is also a massive issue that the pro-endo community largely does not know what trauma is, either. Similar strict binaries and rules that people make about DID are also applied to the concept of trauma as a whole; especially when trauma has been so discoursified and used as an arguing point to harm endogenic systems, many systems are not comfortable talking about trauma at all.

We see this not only as it relates to dissociative disorders (ex., "Emotional neglect isn't enough to cause DID, you have to have been physically or sexually abused and I wasn't so I cannot have DID") but also as it relates to origins, particularly with things like traumagenic vs. stressgenic. Many pro-endos have very extreme ideas about what counts as trauma, and so do not believe they are traumatized if whatever their idea of "severe abuse" is was not present. Many who were abused in less overt ways or who dealt with trauma that was not related to abuse (ex., chronic stress, major surgeries, or natural disasters) tend to believe they are endogenic and non-disordered because they do not fit the picture of "trauma survivor" they have stereotyped in their head.

A lot of systems also have very narrow ideas of what a trauma response looks like, and believe it only ever looks like classic PTSD symptoms. If they do not have PTSD symptoms such as flashbacks or nightmares, there is a tendency to say "I am not traumatized".

Pro-endo spaces absolutely need to become more comfortable discussing and sharing information on disorder and trauma, because the current lack of knowledge is depressing at best and a barrier to recovery for many systems at worst. I do feel that syscourse has definitely worsened a lot of the pro-endo community's avoidance of discussing trauma and dissociation and the push to seperate experiences into anything except "traumagenic DID", though I do also feel it's related to unchecked trauma responses and internalized ableism as well. There's a lot of nuance and complexities to be found there, and this isn't a problem that can be solved overnight, but I do believe it can get better.

[kimmiessimmies]

Back to Reality

A subway station in Bridgeport, January 1st

Oof, that's rough. We've all been able to see how these two made the night count, but check-out was at 10, so they're feeling it this morning. That, and, of course, they're returning to their reality, which is a cruel trick I'm playing on them.

Now that this little festive AU thing I did is ending, there's a few things I think I need to say about it all. Especially since I gained a few followers because of my seasonal AU posts (Hi! So happy to see you!) and I guess it's good to point out who these two characters are in the real story.

So, here's James and Sadie, friends and both leads in their band The Hot Wings. They're music students at Honeycomb University and there's... something... between them. There was a lot of built-up tension and eventually they slept together. Once. A lot of emotion followed and while they both claim it's not romantic, I'm not too sure. If you want a quick update on recent events, read Release and Consequences on my WordPress blog by clicking these links. All other past story updates are on my blog too.

In the actual story we're going back to, it's getting close to Spring of 08 (I'll do a post on years and time and all that at some point) and there's a lot to come. For James and Sadie, and for my other characters as well. We have Rachel's Dating Adventure waiting in the wings and we'll be going back to "The Valley" to see how Joshua is doing, among others.

I loved doing this festive AU side story. To escape the writer's block I am currently dealing with and to give "Jadie" a chance to be together for a while. I added in the "I love yous", because they never get to say that in the actual story, other than in a friendly way, and it sort of floats in the air as unspoken words. Them saying it, at the point they did, was something I really wanted to do. To stress that in this AU, they really are both in love and committed to that love.

I was upset the spicy post got flagged though and hope it was just the prude Tumblr bots and it didn't get reported by someone. After all, it was both labelled and tagged appropriately, so if pixel nudity is not your thing, you could have easily avoided it. Also, if I do ever post something that offends someone, please let me know. I'd like to think I'm generally a nice person and quite easy to talk to, so drop me a line.

Anyway, I think the train is coming, so I have to go and make sure James and Sadie get on it. Time to go back to where they need to be. I'm sorry, my lovelies, I'll try to be nicer to you in future. I promise. Maybe.

[olderthannetfic]

I wanna add in a personal issue I got with authenticity claims when connected with own voice, as I've seen them used. Probably incorrectly but not sure.

I'm diaspora myself, in such a way where I notice it, but others maybe/probably wouldn't.

Authenticity seems to be a static category. There isn't a lot of clear distinctions between experiences when it comes to culture.

Who writes more "culturally authentic"? Someone from a country who has lived their entire life there, a 1st gen diaspora who's spent part of their life in their "home" land and part as diaspora, or a 2nd-3rd gen diaspora who has only been to their grand)-parents homeland as basically a visitor?

These three are not the same. But they might all be listed as authentic and "home land"-culturally depending on the "home" land, and especially an authentic own voice. But diaspora, especially later gens, will get more and more removed, and have a heavy mixing of cultural concepts and beliefs, that make it harder and harder to actually be "untainted" authentic, or even authentic at all. It feels like you become an outsider to more and more ideas and concepts, and like you're losing on that "authentic" experience of even experiencing the culture.

You can't compare the "home" land authenticity and a later gen diaspora authenticity, even if both engage with the culture. Those works might share similarities, but it will also become noticeable that they are writing based on different life experiences. None of that is a sign of quality, but it shows that "authentic" writing is a bit of a messy and misguided way to judge and label someone's writing. It can become extra weird when you try to sell all these three categories under the same idea of authenticity, or try to sell one as more valid than others.

Personally I am technically a 1st gen diaspora, but my experience is definitely a 2nd+ gen diaspora, I'm very removed beyond knowing 1 of the languages. Meaning that just as a personal observation, I don't think I could ever claim to write culturally authentic for ONE culture ever, not even my parents birth culture, because I just never had the experience and everything feels very muted and removed. I'd call it culturally translucent, because it's so easy to see through my experiences.

I'd have to do just as much research about either of my parents cultures, as any foreigner would have to if I even wanted to come close to anything that could be considered "authentic" let alone "own voice." I'd probably over-explain ideas and concepts, that someone who's a "home" land person wouldn't even think of doing because they wouldn't even think of it.

I definitely noticed that I just adopted random habits and ideas from my families home land without really connecting to it, while also combining it with the current country I live in right now, and other diaspora I've met of different background, and adding in whatever I found interesting while growing up. It gives a bit of imposter syndrome, yes I can speak the language when I'm there, but do I feel culturally connected? Not really, no.

--

[rollercoasterwords]

I don’t have anyone else to ask, so here I am. What do you think about the term “boy lesbian” ? I just saw a TikTok where a person said they were a boy lesbian not a woman lesbian? I got the same vibe from that as when a lot of people on TikTok tried to say identifying as lesbian was excluding an it should be called non men loving non men?

well my short answer is that i think boy lesbians are cool + sexy + i wish they would all come over 2 my house so we could kiss w tongue <3 however i am sensing from ur message that this is perhaps a concept that u are a bit wary or skeptical about (? might be reading tone incorrectly but that is the vibe i'm getting lol) so i will put a longer answer under the cut:

so i feel like what you're asking when you say "what do you think about this" is essentially "do you think people should be able to call themselves 'boy lesbians'" which. is a source of online discourse that i typically try to avoid because i think discourse about who's "allowed" to identify a certain way in the queer community is basically pointless and does more harm than good. like, at the end of the day, there's really no use in policing who's "allowed" to call themselves what, because people can literally identify themselves however they want and you can't control that, because identity is an inherently personal and subjective experience. and so anytime people do start trying to strictly police identity + draw clear boundaries around who's "allowed" to use which labels, usually the result is just alienating and ostracizing other queer people who we should be in community with, as we share overlapping political struggles.

but. looking specifically at the term "boy lesbian" (and terms like it). i know a lot of people immediately get up in arms going "the whole point of lesbian is that there's NO BOYS!!!!!" but. personally i do not think that's true. every label currently used by the queer community is historically and contextually specific; most labels like 'gay' 'lesbian' and 'trans' are umbrella terms that include broad and varied communities of people who do not all share exactly the same identities or experiences. and the label 'lesbian' as an umbrella term has not always been used + conceptualized historically the way it's used today; it has also not always been 'exclusively women who aren't attracted to men' or whatever other definition people try to claim. many lesbians, especially gender nonconforming lesbians, have complex + nuanced + fraught relationships to gender + womanhood, and there has specifically always been a lot of overlap in (using today's terms) transmasculine and lesbian communities. leslie feinberg's stone butch blues comes immediately to mind as one example of lesbian experience that does not align simply or perfectly with womanhood and is much more nebulously transmasculine. at the end of the day, it's impossible to draw strict definitional boundaries around umbrella terms like "lesbian," because to do so will always inevitably fail to account for certain people who do identify with the term--and what right does anyone have to tell someone else that their personal experience of identity isn't "allowed?"

like - defining lesbianism as either centered around womanhood or positioned against manhood both inevitably devolve into gender essentialism. if you say "lesbians are women who love women," that requires you to provide a strict definition of "woman," something that is essentially impossible without resorting to gender essentialism. if you say "lesbians are nonmen who love nonmen," then you run into the same problem with defining "men." this is because both "men" and "women" are also historically + contextually specific umbrella terms used to define social categories of people, and not some sort of pre-existing inherent natural identities.

so then you might be saying--but wait a second, if all these labels are so fluid and nonspecific and personally defined, then what's the use of labeling anything!!! aren't you just saying that none of it means anything?!

no, not at all! what i'm saying here is that trying to draw strict boundaries around labels that have to do with gender + sexuality is at best pointless and at worst harmful, because gender and sexuality are inherently personal experiences and you can't police someone's own sense of self, nor should you try to. but there are three areas where labels are useful and do matter:

1 - personal value

labels are useful for individuals trying to understand themselves and how they relate to the world. people can find comfort or joy or simple understanding by labeling themselves in relation to the world around them; this sense of labeling is deeply personal and up to each individual in terms of how/to what extent they want to partake in it

2 - community

umbrella terms like "woman" "lesbian" "man" "trans" etc are all useful in socially specific contexts for identifying shared experiences + building community. if i say to someone "i'm a lesbian," and they say "oh i'm a lesbian too," i'm not going to assume that we have the exact same experiences of gender + sexuality that fit some made-up set of rules, but i am going to recognize that this person has certain experiences which overlap with my own, and we can build a community around those experiences. this is the way that basically any label works in a social context--if i say "i'm american" and someone else says "oh me too," i wouldn't just assume that we've had the exact same "american" experiences, because america is a vast country with a huge diversity of people + lifestyles + environments etc etc, y'know? social labels like these are useful for identifying broad overlap in experiences, but because they encompass such broad groups of people it's silly to try and make strict rules about who's "allowed" in the group--especially if your goal is to build community

3 - identifying + naming political struggles + oppression

this follows along the same lines as point 2 -- basically, most queer labels function as umbrella terms meant to bring together people of varied experiences + backgrounds who share common sites of oppression + common political struggles. like, historically, this has been the center of queer community-building--the fact that we are all being oppressed by the same people in overlapping ways. when i tell you "i'm a lesbian," that sentence does not tell you all that much about my own, individual, personal experience of gender. but it does tell you a lot about how i am politically positioned in the world and the kinds of political struggles i might face, and that's what makes that label so socially meaningful. like, the purpose of these labels is not to give everybody insight to the nuances of personal identity; it's to build community + identify our shared struggles with each other.

and i think one reason this discourse gets so heated in online spaces is that people get really angry about the idea of, like, "well what if someone calls themself a lesbian to infiltrate lesbian spaces!!!" which. i mean a lot of that fearmongering is rooted in transphobia quite honestly, but. at the end of the day, if someone is identifying themself as a lesbian, i'm going to assume that they have a good personal reason for doing so, and what matters to me will be knowing that we share a political struggle. i trust that if i encounter someone who's just trolling and "pretending" to be a lesbian or whatever i'll be able to recognize it and just....choose not to interact with that person. but honestly i don't even really think that actually happens--like i said, i think a lot of the fear that drives people to try and create strict definitional boundaries around the term "lesbian" is rooted in transphobia.

and i think something else driving a lot of this online discourse surrounding queer labels is like....this emphasis on identity labels as primarily a personal identifier rather than identity labels as primarily a community-building tool. like, there seems to be an emphasis particularly in online spaces + amongst certain groups of queer people to really want to micromanage identity + create specific rules + definition for each label so that, like, you're getting as much personal information as possible about someone who tells you that label, because you know they're following these detailed rules. but like. a) you truly are not entitled to personal information about anyone's individual experience of gender and/or sexuality and b) that's not the point of these labels!!!!! like i promise you it is so much more important to just accept that these are umbrella terms with nebulous boundaries so that you can take a step back and evaluate the social context in which they're being used in order to then build community. it is okay if there aren't strict rules and definitions! what matters more is being able to look at a specific contexts + the way a broad term can be applied differently in those specific contexts.

anyway. last thing i will say to this whole point is that i personally am someone who identifies to a certain extent with terms like boy lesbian or boydyke, in that my own sense of gender is much more centered around dyke than it is womanhood and i don't necessarily experience lesbianism as something centered around women/womanhood. my lesbianism feels more closely tied to gendernonconformity, genderqueerness, and overlaps a lot with experiences i've heard transmasculine people speak about. but lesbianism is still central to my identity, as i am politically positioned in society as a lesbian and it is the best umbrella term to give people a sense of my identity at a glance, and thus generally the best term for me to position myself within queer spaces + to seek out community. so i understand on a personal level why people might identify as a 'boy lesbian,' and hopefully from this personal anecdote you can understand why someone might too! if u have any questions or anything feel free to shoot me another message; i'm trying to cover a lot of ground in this response so i didn't fully expand on like. every single point bc that would have taken forever lol

[godlessvalentine]

why syd calmed carmy and claire didn't

So I've been thinking about this a lot, more like a weak but consistent questioning at the back of my head. I've been seeing the debate whether carmy and syd is platonic or not. Especially the scene where carmy calmed down from his anxiety when his thoughts drifted to syd. I think carmy is used to the ambiguous nature of his relationships, like we've seen in the thanksgiving episode, how dysfunctional his relationships with his family. His brother, alive and dead, hovers over him like a heavy, depressing blanket. And richie, don't get me started with cousin, he was never really welcoming to carmy, he's resentful, and hostile even. Yet, carmy had his back, they had each other's back. I finally understood why the thought of claire sent him to having an anxiety attack, she was part of his history, i remember at the thanksgiving episode where there's this very stressful scene on how he's reacting on his family's meddling with his crush with her, I think at some point, he would associate that sort of emotion with claire. The feeling of not being in control, which brings me to syd. She arrived and saw the potential of The Bear the same moment carmy was struggling to keep everything together, and we all knew that after he exploded and syd quit, she came back. I think when fans claim that syd and carmy should be together with the argument that syd saw his worst and still came back, they are placing a label to the nature of relationship. For me, I understood carmy and syd better when I refused to put a label on what they have, I think the label of romantic, platonic, casual and such only defines what kind of transaction and what level of sexual intimacy two people should share. But if we look at the nature, that's a whole different thing. carmy is used to being in the purgatory, if he is loved or hated, his family never really had that sort of security where he can find his identity in terms of relationship. he's sensitive, and he can express himself, if he feels safe. He doesn't feel safe with claire, because for him, she's too good to be true. But with syd, the only place he feels in control is in the kitchen, and where do syd offers help and safety? in the kitchen. The scene where they figure out their menu at carmy's house is evidence. carmy learned how to diffuse explosive behavior in his family because all they ever do is explode, that's why he's good at dealing with stressed people in the kitchen. syd is someone that fits into his current nature of loving and caring, and she challenges him, she challanges him in the safety of the explosive world that carmy is used to, while claire puts him in comfort and challenges him to love, something he cannot deal with. carmy's sense of safety is the driving force of how his relationships are formed, and the foundation and the nature of how he interacts with other people. I really loved the writing of this series and I hope they do carmy and syd justice, romantic or platonic, i am really looking forward to how they will explore that.

[entropy-sea-system]

OK OK impromptu rant but I need to get this out there as I still feel somewhat connected to the aro community-

I have been watching the tags, I've been talking the people in my local a-spec community and I think it amazes me just how incredible the relationships put forth by aro and aces are, while the communities just don't reflect any of it.

I've stopped identifying with the aroallo label because there was no sense of community associated with it. The a-spec spaces are made for aces only and the ace stuff in them is abhorrent. I am tired of people passing it off as repulsion, while still seeing people saying "hookers" are disgusting in a-spec tags. I'm tired of people saying PDA is bad. I'm tired of people acting like aros and aces can only be clueless cinnamon rolls. I'm tired of people being so so so stuck in their own perspective of the world they act like people in romantic relationships can't be happy. So on and so forth.

The concepts we have are passionating. They're the coolest ones I've been exposed to in queer communities. However, nobody thinks about them. Nobody speak about them. All we have is endless messages about how the world is so so confusing or hatred directed at sex and romance. I get that but I wish we went even a tiny bit past that really. It's a community filled with adults that feels so immature and I honestly think there is some sort of self infantilization going on. I don't like that I don't have symbols that aren't associated with uwu smol bean dragon lover stuff. It makes me sick and is why I don't identify with it anymore but it's genuinely sad to see because technically that's still the people who will relate to me the most.

It feels like people are always desperate to understand how the norm works and how they can best align with it instead of fully experiencing their identity. And that's an understandable thing to do but the community is just that with sex and romance negativity sprinkled on top of it.

I wish they were angrier. I wish they were more introspective. I wish they thought about breaking the norms more instead of headcannoning every female character without a love interest as aroace and talking about how gross sex is. I wish I felt like I can connect with the people who are supposed to be at least partly like me.

Anyway you're cool and I hope you're doing well! Sorry to drop all of this onto you but yeah I trust you with my ranty feels about the community.

We didn't really expect this ask but thank you for sending it!!

There are a lot of issues with the aspec community, especially online, (we have no experience with irl ones yet). And what you described here explains the issues with it quite well.

I feel like most of the aspec community ends up catering to mainly aces, and to a lesser extent aros, and slightly to apls, while other atertiary is hardly discussed (and agender ppl often just lump w gender stuff instead even though its aspec). I think the community is also rather divided, personally.

We're in some discord servers w mostly other apls and aros/run by other apl aros (often also romo aro) and they tend to overall be normal about aspec identities without being negative about attractions or actions or gatekeeping aspec labels. Currently we logged off discord a bit but we have in the past been in aro spaces that had many of the issues you mention , and still come across people being that way on tumblr.

I think there is a problem where some aros think that calling romance inherently toxic is somehow "activism" and deny that romance negativity exists, then claim that they "don't have to consider every culture ever" when people state that some cultures are romance negative and do harm people for engaging in romance.

They seem to think its "punching up" and some alloaros in particular try to justify it by acting like the united states is the only country that matters and citing sex negativity as a reason for romance negativity "not existing". When aces do this about sex its harmful, but thats not supposed to be a reason to deny that being romance negative is toxic and harmful to others even if their country doesn't persecute people for engaging in romance.

I also personally see a some aros hesitant to id with ace or acespec terms that technically fit them because of how bad the ace community has been about sex and anyone who isn't ace, as well as aces and aros generally forgetting about atertiary ppl. Some of them prefer terms like lightspec or such or allospec partly because of that.

It's understandable that some people feel a disconnect from labels like aro and ace as a result of how the communities tend to be tbh. I've had moments when I didn't want to id as aro because of this, and I consider myself both aro and alloro due to my arospec orientation.

Also being tertiary repulsed and being repulsed by sex repulsion (it just happens to repulse me a lot to read about even if not stated in a sex negative way), makes it a bit hard to be around other aspecs. I feel really disgusted and triggered when other aros talk about squishes and qprs and friendships, even if I think they should be able to talk about that. Which makes it hard to be around some other aros.

I also get what you mean about people trying to align with the existing norm. I'm seeing a rise in people maligning labels they don't understand and this attitude of "the only kind of weird thats fine is the kind of weird I am", which the aspec community has certainly not been immune to either.

I feel like for some reason most aspecs I see online, especially aros, are minors? Maybe because the aromantic label only really caught on after 2005 iirc so older people less likely to have heard of it? Im not a huge fan of how aspec tends to be infantilised either. I find issues with how some of the aro symbols are very derivative of ace symbols because we are not some extension of ace we're our own community. I can also see how ppl may find it too infantilising to have symbols like frogs and griffons etc.

Also yeah what is with people doing that about characters who are women or girls and express that they don't want to get married??? Or even just don't have a love interest. I understand if aroaces want more headcanoned rep or non-aspecs I guess idk want to fill some headcanon diversity quota without actually supporting aspecs but.

Not wanting marriage or not having a love interest is not inherently equal to not wanting romance and/or sex. I feel especially that people like to assume not wanting to have children means not wanting sex (which I find pretty reductive in that its acting like thats the only reason ppl have sex, especially as a sex favorable person who doesn't want kids). And all aspecs deserve more canon rep to begin with. I think I have a gripe with ppls aspec headcanons almost always being alloace or aroace. It's like they forget other aspecs like apls, alloaros, neu aros, non sam aros, atertiary, etc. even exist!

Additionally I think its partly because romance is emphasized more for female characters that even fans decide to make their interpretations about romance/a lack there of as if its the character's only personality trait. In my opinion its just as obsessive about romance if someone thinks all there is to a character is not engaging in it. I also see people act like they're solely worried a woman/girl character is going to fall for a man/boy character they hc as aro but not often the opposite like. Just say you see romance as gendered/feminine in some way and go I guess lol.

I also feel like mainly allistic non-aspecs do this but when ppl hc an autistic character as ace or aroace it feels infantilising if theres literally no other rationale behind their headcanon. I feel desexualised at times as an autistic and thats mostly bc ppl pick up on some kind of nd thing and they assumed I'm too "innocent" to like romance or sex, or because they view us as "unable to consent"(which can be true of some people if their neurodivergence affects their ability to consent to things even as an adult, but isn't universally true.) . I think some of this perception is also rooted in eugenics (due to people equating sex with having kids and viewing disability and/or neurodivergence as a tragedy and thinking its 'bad' for disabled and/or nd ppl to have kids).

So I don't really appreciate implications that someone is ace just by virtue of being autistic. I think its also unfair to autistic aros and aces because our neurodivergence can influence our orientation, but being autistic does not mean that makes someone inherently ace and/or aro.

My physical disability is relatively mild and less talked about (chronic pain and fatigue), and I don't reveal it to most ppl(ppl who dont live with me won't know I get exhausted from non-taxing to abled ppl activities, and chronic pain is not visible at all and we can't get mobility aids due to not being independent yet) so Im not fully aware how people view my apl and aro identities in that regard.

And there is definitely an issue with aspecs trying to enforce NEW norms. They cry about how people are forced into performing romance and sex to fit in but then turn around and tell people they need to love or have friends or family or pets in order to be a good person. It's also very harmful to aspecs bc some of us are loveless or atertiary etc. in ways that aros and aces apparently hate lol. A lot of aros in particular are very platonormative.

The aro community is also rather hostile to romo aros. There are still people who exclude romo aros from the aro label or act like we have to bend over backwards and acknowledge that we are "amatonormative oppressors" for liking romance or feeling some connection to it.

I think also the meme about putting a box away on a tall shelf away from a child is relevant here. The word amatonormative is constantly misused by a lot of aros. I've seen aros call alloromantic apls "amatonormative" and act like "amatonormative" means 'person who engages in romance'.

Its not a term abt engaging in romance or liking it. It's also not an excuse to pressure people to have or like friends either. I think aros should have actual discussions about amatonormativity that aren't just US-centric and about romance(wow do aros love to ignore that monogamy, non-queer, cis, etc. are social categories deemed more valuable under amatonormative societal norms), instead of using it to describe anyone they deem as interested in romance .

On that note, a lot of them use some examples of toxic relationships as reasons to call romance toxic and almost advocate for romance to never exist(which is especially disgusting to see for me, as in my country a lot romance negative conservative rhetoric is literally worded the same way). These people almost never acknowledge that other relationships like friendship can be toxic too.

I think some of these people believe in 'morality of repugnance' in that they think if its something they personally find repulsive in some way, that means its inherently immoral, which is not conducive to having unbiased views of the world, or critical thinking. I think a lot of ppl my age and younger are especially trying to do this because Ive lost count of how many I've seen be like "ewww thats gross/weird and so its wrong/immoral", and literally spouting conservative rhetoric while thinking they're politically liberal/leftists, perhaps with different wording but yeah. (I think that one tumblr post abt ppl in that age range being 'conservative on accident', especially in the united states- though that is concerning given the way ppl from other countries tend to absorb american opinions and such too much, describes this phenomenon)

I think some aros are also still so caught up in how much of a tragedy they think their aromanticism is, and I feel bad for them but thats not all there is to being aro and its a bit weird when ppl act like it is.

I think one of the best things about being aspec for me is feeling more like I can engage in and not engage in relationships (Im only favorable to sexual partnerships w no label other than 'sexual partner', and romance only w two partners as of now, and completely averse to all tertiary/nonrose. before I fully realised my aspec identities i pressured myself to have friends and felt like I'd be obligated to be favorable to nonsexual romance if someone wanted that with me, to 'be an ally to aces', even though it repulsed me. I also felt obligated to want qprs especially after realising Im aro. Realising Im atertiary helped me stop forcing myself to want nonrose relationships.)

Anyways that was a lot of rambling but probably most of my opinions on the aro and some extent aspec community.

[sol-consort]

omgg i just read your Earthborn Shep and Thane post and ykkkk who else can have that past criminal angst? Earthborn Shep and Jack. Like they both had to do whatever it takes to survive at the end of the day. Like Shel gets why she likes to stay under the engine room alone and needs the noise and the solitude to feel safer and all the trust issues they both have. My friend you opened up a can of worms in my brain sjjdjdkck. Your mind…so powerful 💥

YES EXACTLY! fuck I wish I could've brought it up to Jack ingame when she says we wouldn't understand her. I wish earthborn Shepard had to chance to say actually they're very familiar with the world she's currently living in.

Shepard used to be in gangs since the earliest memory they could recall! With no parents who ever claimed them and no support system, they had to go out there and put food at the table themselves before they knew what algebra was!

Earth, the human's homeworld and cradle, has treated Shepard so badly. he same planet you sacrifice everything to save in ME3 is the same one that let freeze without a home in some alley.

The only option was to pick up a gun and fight for survival, run with scummy people, and befriend the lowest of the low in order to avoid getting stabbed in the back. The government hid those suffering kids in the shadows of glamourise buildings and pristine gardens for alien tourists to gawk at.

And Shepard's saving grace was the fact the army was willing to give you food and shelter in exchange for being willing to die for them. It just makes being labelled a war hero all the more bittersweet. People didn't care about humanity's saviour when they were a kid rotting in the street.

Shepard would completely understand Jack and defend her against Cerberus. Have her back when it comes to confrontations with the crew. Old habits die hard, and even Shepard still sleeps with a gun hidden under the pillow, so who are you to judge Jack sleeping in the engine room.

Maybe Shepard goes there too when stress becomes too much, and they revert back to their teen self looking for any shelter from the rain. They go to the engine room and sit in the corner, reminding themselves they're stronger than anything thrown their way.

Maybe it was Anderson who first noticed Shepard doing that in the first Normandy and kept it their secret. Knowing their history and never putting them on the spot, which is why Shepard is so chill with Jack's requests and behaviour.

In the shadowbroker info, it shows that Jack activity searched online about Shepard's history, watched the spectre ceremony halfway through before closing it, and even looked into your achievements. She was clearly frustrated with you being another decorated ship captain who had every opportunity handed to them on a silverplate.

If only she would've dug more and found the articles about Shepard's hidden past, the interviews with the gang memebers who used to be in your close circle, the paparazzi shots where your clothes slipped to reveal a part of a tattoo, speculations about its meaning and if it's related to a gang symbol.

All those things the alliance pays triple the market price just to keep hidden from the first page results of search engines. Keeping the stained glass imagine of The Commander Shepard as clean as ever, polishing your history until nothing is left but a symbol of humanity's greatest achievements, not the stain that is your attempt at survival after your own kin abandoned you.

Earthborn Shepard is just so interesting! That sort of scandal would follow you for life. Old habits and bad reputations. Especially with a paragon, Shep, who's all kind and proper, that used to be an actual monster in the streets.

Even more sweet when you see Jack again in ME3 and know she followed in your steps and left that life behind. Finding a reason to live besides pure survival. I always let her punch me because nothing would phase earthborn Shepard, who knows how this is normal, friendly things in the criminal world. Who used to have their own friends to wrestle with for fun. Who did a lot of stupid things like play russian rullet in their youth.

[lunchtimebedamned1997]

Fanfic Recommendations, Installment #1!

This is a long one! But even if you don't read all of my words here, you should definitely read theirs!

. ★.`.☆...☆.`.★ .

It feels as though it would be some sort of terrible crime not to highlight the most wonderful fic series that has been circulating its way through the Hazbin Hotel fandom over the last little stretch of time. Yes indeedy, I’m speaking of nothing other than the meteor shower series by spoondrifts on A03 (and ofc as @cringefailvox here on lovely tumblr!)

               This enthralling little series is currently comprised of two parts; time has changed the metaphor and its sequel, dragging its tail in the sea.

Herein we get the most delectable example of polyam, QPR, label-less goodness that I dare say there has been a gaping lack of up until now! (and if I am mistaken, I am happy to be so so wrong so long as you send all those good fics my way!!! My perceptions are fallible)

And who might make up the delightful QPR trio featured in this story? Why, none other than our most beloved Alastor, Rosie, and Vox!

I will admit to you, my dear reader, that I was skeptical of how this trio would function together. A fool, even. But the fanart (here for pt.1 fanart) (and here for pt.2 art) drew me in, it delighted me, and the writing, well, the writing simply blew me away.

How lovely it is to sit down and read such gorgeous, thoughtful, and perfectly complicated renditions of these characters. One that deeply explores the bounds of non-traditional connections, and the twisting, complicated ways we can come to find others in our hearts. Because it seems that even in hell, there can be things that make you feel foreign amongst your peers. That is, if you don’t let yourself be known.

The way Spoondrifts dives into the mentality of the three characters is such a joy to read that I scarcely think I have adequate words to express how exactly it is I feel.

To be Queer in any form is such a varied array of experiences, indescribably vast; and while labels can often be a freedom for some, especially as a place of belonging, or a reaffirmation of identity – or even simply that labels often act as a gateway to community and support – there are many that feel labels restrict them. That those labels are another set of rules they don’t fit neatly into, a chafing reminder of common-society’s boundaries in a place that is supposed to offer refuge.

This is precisely why many have embraced and reclaimed the word "queer" itself as a catch-all term for ‘outside the cis-het bubble’.

Yet, we often jump, especially in fiction, to labeling exactly who and what a character may be. Defining their relationships with immense detail, and fighting ruthlessly over canon vs. fanon vs. fanon-but-less-popular. Yet, here in this fanfic, we see a shining example of the complicated web of queer experiences. Of connection. Of love and care.

A refreshing lens to be sure.

It is a story that says ‘these characters are enough, as flawed and rotten and lovely as they are, and so are you.’ – and isn’t that the very crux of this fandom itself? Is the commentary on Christian religion and the people that claim to uphold it, not in and of itself a similar thing? A story that says ‘you can be terrible and wonderful. You can be awful and be loved. You can be different and be whole.’

In watching the series itself, there was something cathartic for me, too personal for me to write in too great of detail in the here and now. But it made me feel loved. It made me feel like even if I wasn’t perfect, I could still have worth. That I could make mistakes, and still be allowed the grace of second chances if I’m willing to learn and grow from any of the mistakes I'll inevitably make on this complicated journey of life. And so, so much more.

That is how this fanfiction made me feel. Loved. Warm. Safe. Free to be a mess of a human (because aren’t we all?). And still at the end of the day be worthy. To, someday, be loved and cared for in whatever ways I need. That none of us are too much or too little.

I’ve been straying away from labels myself over the years, knowing I fit into a few different nooks and crannies within our vast umbrella, but not quite vibing with a lot of the words anymore. Life is, after all, a journey of discovery; and I’d be a fool to say I know and understand all of myself when I’m not yet even 24 – and fics like this, this fic, made my chest ache in the way the thought of kissing a woman once did. Maybe there’s something there for me to discover, maybe there isn’t. Perhaps it’s just my neurodivergences and my queerness aligning into a desire - and deeply rooted fear - for being seen.

But regardless of how you do or don’t identify, I think anyone would feel a deep fondness for the bonds within this story – though if you align with any of it yourself, it may of course hit you even more profoundly.

The pacing of the story is beyond impeccable and it never once feels stuck in a ‘set of locations’. The world of the pride ring feels sprawling and alive within these words despite spending most of our time within Rosie’s domain.

The care and thought that was given to each character and their depictions - just, damn. Every action felt grounded, understandable for each individual character, and kept you wanting more of each and every bit. Elements of canon were woven into a beautiful tapestry of fanon that feels so real and so right, that if Viv said it was true in a parallel version of Hazbin-Hell, I would believe you in a heartbeat.

The three characters play off of each other beautifully and enticingly, without sacrificing an ounce of what makes them (particularly Al and Vox) ripe for a good ‘you fucking dumbass, get it through your head’ shoulder-shake.

I can’t say too much more without simply gushing over every sentence and ruining the experience for those who have not yet read it, but let me just say: wow. As well as: Thank you, Spoondrifts. What a lovely gift you’ve given us. Thank you for your words. For this exploration of relationships, and hearts that beat a little funny.

[circular-bircular]

It drives me up a wall that ppl argue “anti endos are the only harassers!!!” And yet the past few days the sys course tag has been nothing but going against anti endos for? Some reason? Like just outta nowhere I started to see posts going on and on about how anti endos are sooo horrible and how dare they want anti endo only spaces like hello pot??

It’s just… infuriating to see it all bcs why the hell would anyone even consider looking at a different perspective if the first thing they see is people bashing anti endos (and often CDD systems in the same breath) and using that to uplift pro/endos like you can’t seriously claim to want anti endos to listen when everything is about insulting/shaming anti endos in a number of ways some less subtle than the last

I’m neutral on it all but if I was still anti today and thought “well maybe I should try to understand their side” and saw all that then?????? Hell no

Hell even being neutral I’m still not favorable to interactions bcs I don’t want that kinda energy in my space

Sry I’m just so GAH about it all and saw your post on syscourse stances and the harassment thing and was just “finally”

(Ough I’m so sorry I’m rambling hard on this one)

I fully agree that anti-endos aren’t the only harassers. But I also agree that endogenic systems are going through a lot right now. It’s easy for me to not see, but that’s because I’ve got a lot of folks blocked. There really are a lot of anti-endo assholes popping up each day lately, and I’m sorry for all the Endogenic systems dealing with that hatred. I’ve been there. It fucking sucks. I also am sorry for the CDD systems suffering through hatred currently, regardless of syscourse stance. It’s all hellish sometimes.

In my eyes, the way a lot of pro-endos tackle things isn’t beneficial. It’s either bait to encourage anti-endos to rage (which is often triggering to boot), or it’s just vocalizing hatred into a public space. Neither of these things are needed, especially if the goal is to make it so that anti-endos “aren’t a thing anymore.” Anti-endos fall into this same trap; many are trying to protect their disorders, but they do so via harassment, mockery, or similarly vocalized hatred. All in some attempt to “make things better for ‘real’ systems.”

It feels like many people in syscourse are doing something I like to call Aimless Activism. They know something is wrong (fakeclaiming, bad sources, ableism, etc), so they rally against it loudly and boldly, because That’s The Point. You’re Supposed To.

I’m guilty of this myself honestly. But… you need a goal. You need to have a point beyond This Is Activism, because if you don’t have an actionable goal, then you’re not actually working toward anything. You’re just shouting.

My goal on my blog is to share my personal experiences and talk about things that interest me. That’s it. I’ve tried to be an Aimless Activist for awhile now, convincing myself that it’s activism to argue online. And I don’t know, maybe to some, my blog fits that description. But at this point, I don’t… think it matters. I’m tired of playing in this giant sandbox where everyone is kicking the sand in each other’s faces while I try to build my sand castle.

I think a lot of other people are too. Has anyone else noticed how many new faces there are here? How a lot of the old faces have gone away? People are tired of the sandbox games where everyone kicks around sand. People want real things, real conversations, real connections — regardless of some stupid arbitrary label.

And that’s where it comes back to. “Stupid arbitrary label.” The ones who care about the labels are still playing in the sandbox and they’re gearing up for another round of fighting with “the other side.” Meanwhile, they don’t realize that the sandbox is only one tiny part of an enormous playground, and I’m over on the swings with friends I made in the sandbox, laughing about how nice it is to no longer have sand in my eyes.

I wish folks the best for getting out of there.

[blood-choke]

Thanks for saying the bit about butch being identity more than presentation. I'm aware it is, like I'm not dumb, but I never feel like I show the fact that I'm butch enough, even if I'm soft butch. Like wearing androgynous clothes means fuck all in modern day since women's fashion is androgynous at a base line currently, plus I have very long hair and tend to keep my nails somewhat long so my identity doesn't show at all and it makes me constantly feel like I'm appropriating the label. But like if I were cis, I'd probably take testosterone for a bit like she/her Lea did; that idea is super enticing. As is I like being trans because it gives some masculinity to my physicality. If it were the past where women wore dresses, I'd definitely wear men's clothes (probably mixed with some parts of women's stuff). Just modern day doesn't let me visibly defy social norms as much as I want. My leather jacket and boots just isn't enough to show my identity.

Sorry for the ranble. Just made me feel way better, seeing confirmation that it's largely identity. Even if I don't have anyone to truly express it with.

you're welcome!

it was definitely something i had to unlearn; especially now with so much of lesbian bar culture having been pushed out and forgotten, a lot of younger people just.. don't know what these words mean, and when i was their age, butch and lesbian both were Bad Words that you never said at all except to demean someone.

reading older lesbian literature helped me overcome that and learning about all of the people that came before us; both about butches and femmes. digging through archives and putting myself into butch/femme spaces online has been hugely beneficial to me. i used to feel the same & like i could never "claim the label" because i didn't look a certain way, but that's just simply not true.

and this is especially not true for lesbians and other women who are already having other labels forced upon them by society; for not being white, for not being skinny, for not being hyper feminine, for not being cis, etc.

one of the things that made it really click for me was picture archives, specifically these kinds of pictures:

(pride, nyc, 1977 by meryl meisler)

this one is nancy tucker & her partner, and the two of them would switch shirts throughout the march. (1970 by kay tobin lahusen)

you can see how similar butches and femmes can look, and this is also what i mean when i say femmes are just as sanitized in popular media. butch and femme can be adjectives, but they are also nouns, they are genders and they are roles that people fill within lesbian relationships and within their community; how they move through the world, interact with society and how they interact with other lesbians and other women romantically and sexually.

this quote is one of my favorites:

“Butch is a trickster gender—and so, in a similar way, is femme. Lesbian gender expressions do not emulate heteropatriarchy, they subvert it. Femme removes femininity from the discursive shadow of masculinity and thereby strips from it any connotation of subordination or inferiority. Butch takes markers of “masculinity” and divests them of their association with maleness or manhood. Butchness works against the gender binary—the masculine/feminine paradigm—and reclaims for women the full breadth of possibilities when it comes to gender expression.”

— Caroline Narby, “On My Butchness”

[randomvarious]

Today's compilation:

Ccommd IV 2002 IDM / Abstract

Continuing this foray into the now-ancient, pre-social media days of online music community building with this highly ephemeral, half-decent IDM comp from 2002 that was made by the message board denizens of the website of Warp Records. Warp itself had long carried the torch of being the world's premier IDM label, and the folks who contributed to this album seem to have been highly inspired by a bunch of their own acts, like Aphex Twin, Squarepusher, Autechre, Boards of Canada, and a whole bunch of others.

And knowing that these musicians loved Warp to the point that they'd be regular contributors to its own message board kinda makes me feel that, while listening to this, I am myself someone at the label who's constantly seeking out fresh talent and wades through neverending, enormous piles of demos that they've received. And I've just happened to pop this Ccommd IV CD into my changer to see if anything might catch my ear 🤞.

Except, in reality, I didn't actually find this one on CD, because apparently, virtually no one can. It's not currently for sale on Discogs, it's never been sold there, and only 4 users on the site claim to own a copy right now. Super rare!

But thankfully, although it's been long out of print, the UK-based collective that was responsible for putting it out originally, TEFOSAV (The Electronic Foundation of Sound and Vision) records, has made it available on their own Bandcamp site for free, which is where I was able to come across it 👍.

So what we have here in the fourth installment of this Warp-inspired series, as is probably somewhat average for someone who gets tasked with listening to demos, is a comp with a good deal of half-baked clunk on it and a few nice gems too. The album hits back-to-back with Sktbx's "Wikal - Butcheredcetacea Mix" and Orange Dust's "Bitmap Sunset," both of which should have you feeling like you've come across a pretty sweet, nearly-lost-to-the-y2k-Internet-sands-of-time IDM goldmine. But most of what then follows that beginning turns out to be pretty underwhelming 😔.

That is until the grand finale, with Autofire's "Boots Akid (Nautilus Remix)," which is one of those songs that specializes in the art of splicing together multiple split-second samples of various bits of sound in order to construct melodies and rhythms out of them. I especially love when people do this type of stuff because I feel like it's such a meticulous process to make these collages in the first place, and it also happens to throw up a big middle finger and shit-eating-grin to the absurd copyright police, who can't sue you if the provenance of the minuscule bit that you've sampled is actually unknowable 😁. That said, though, I'm pretty sure I can hear the distinct voice of a very prominent TV character in this one. Not gonna give it away for fear that some big, evil, corporate web scraper comes across this post and files a cease-and-desist and/or lawsuit because of me—these posts show up in Google searches, folks!—but I'm pretty sure I'm hearing that voice. And Nautilis, by the way (yes, I know, I spelled it as Nautilus before, because that's how it was written on the tracklist!), had already made his first release on Mike Paradinas' (µ-Ziq) Planet Mu label the year before this album itself was released.

So, I had a feeling that I knew what I was getting myself into with this from jump, because most comps of this type aren't likely to consistently knock it out of the park, but given that fact, this album was still able to satisfy enough. So far, this little online y2k-era archaeology project of mine's been fun, even if a good portion of the music's ended up leaving a bit to be desired.

And for more posts like this one, check out Finnish label Luumu's Into the Core of Luumu and this double-disc that was made by folks from the ambient mailing list of pioneering online electronic music resource, Hyperreal, too ✌️.

Highlights:

Sktbx - "Wikal - Butcheredcetacea Mix" Orange Dust - "Bitmap Sunset" Pro(xy) - "D.C.K." Autofire - "Boots Akid (Nautilus Remix)"

[qwilanikan]

Some thoughts on my current relationship politics

I am a relationship anarchist! Sometimes people mean different things when they say this, so I’m going to explain a bit about what it means to me, share some details about my relationship politics in general, and share some links to articles and resources!

"Relationship Anarchy is the idea that love does not need a specific set of rules, but rather that all of our relationships can be construed as valuable, that all can be constructed and shaped by people who want to engage in them, based on free will, and a radical wish to avoid defining relationships by attempts to exercise power over each other." - from The Road to Relationship Anarchy

I don’t date people or distinguish between my friends (in terms of labels or how I prioritize them) based on what I do with them (including whether I have sex with them).  This doesn’t mean I don’t have friends that I prioritize more at various times. What it means is that there isn’t an implicit hierarchy.  I think people use dating or partner language as a way to tell people who has the most priority in their life.

I am antimonigomist (I think that the institution of monogamism is hurtful to everyone.)  Checkout this article to learn more about this. I absolutely love this article and I think that it’s pretty approachable.

I believe that physical and emotional intimacy are abundant resources and that artificial scarcity is created by folks hoarding these resources by only sharing them in certain relationships.  This is not to say that people are obligated to share intimacy with anyone, but that I don’t like creating rules around who people are allowed to share it with.

“if two people only desired to have sexual relations with each other then there would not need to be rules made to govern this.” 

And 

“monogamy is a contract precisely because we do not expect literal monogamy, because we expect our lover to desire sex with others who are not us. maybe not now, but certainly in the future. we also expect our lover to make rules to govern our desire because we have no trust in the singleness of our sexual desire either. it is ridiculous then, for monogamists to claim they have forbidden each other to have sex with others because they only desire sex with each other.” 

-From this article.

I often say that I think that the only way monogamy should happen is by accident.  If two people really only desire to have sex with each other, then that should just happen without them having to set rules for each other.

I am also anti-marriage.  I think the institution of marriage is harmful.  In our society marriage is romanticized and idealized, and people who are in marriages or marriage-like relationships experience couple privilege and many governmental, financial and societal benefits. We are pressured and incentivized to be married because without being married we don't get these things. I would rather we abolish marriage for everyone than bring more people into this normative and coercive institution.  Especially for queer folks, It doesn’t make sense to me to idealize joining into this piece of straight, normative culture.  

Here are a couple resources about marriage:

A TED talk about the origins of marriage and how it plays out

an article, Marriage Will Never Set Us Free, specifically about marriage in the context of its overall unhelpfulness towards queer liberation

A spicy quote from that article: “It is absurd for married people or people who want to marry to paint themselves as victims of judgment when someone critiques the institution of marriage while the entire society is organized to support them for marrying.”

I totally get why people would choose to date.*  People want to get their needs met and dating seems like the way to ensure that they do.  I don’t actually think dating will ensure that you get your needs met.  You can’t rely on one person to meet all your needs.  And I don’t want any one person to feel obligated to fulfill my needs at any given time.  

Instead I try to focus on building community so that I have many connections and sources of support and intimacy.  Hopefully I will be able to get my needs met at any given time, from one or more of the people in my life, who have the capacity and are excited to do it. And I will be able to do the same for the many people in my life that I care about.

Checkout the Aromantic Manifesto @aromanticmanifesto for some thoughts on queerer, more expansive ways of relating to each other. 

For a bunch of zines and other resources related to RA stuff, checkout the RAD community library!

There are definitely some spicy takes in some of those articles ;P I love it, but if you have pretty normative relationship politics at present, they might be a bit scary.

*I also want to mention that I’m not trying to judge people who are married or in rule-based relationships.  Those are the norm and they are highly incentivized by society. Even if you agree with me that these systems are problematic, It’s hard to do something outside of the norm, especially when you don’t have a significant amount of support and like-minded community. I’m critiquing what I believe is a coercive system, not judging individuals.