#but i feel like all i am is empty hope
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i feel like i need to become a better person
#i dont know how#but i sure do b stuck laying awake at night feeling like a monster again#i feel so dirty all the time#i didnt do anything#but maybe thats why#maybe i need to be doing more#maybe i used to do more#scrolled by a moot's suicide note because i didnt know what to say#i never know what to say#i went back and tried but i dont know if my words mean anything#ive never been good at comforting people#ive always wanted to be but i just. dont know How#i always just hope someone better comes along#and i hope itll be enough i hope theyll be ok#but i feel like all i am is empty hope#im not actually good for anything#/nbh btw they will not see me saying this
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learning to love
#they make me so fucking unwell i feel so ill whenever i think about them#it's OVER for me i'm done#teen skk is going on my fucking suicide note thanks for everything asagiri#something something your bloodied hand in mind something something by you i am forever undone#something something to the world we may be villains but to each other we're two halves of the same soul#head in my fucking hands#sry for getting all emo i rewatched pmmm yesterday and i've been feeling existential about everything#i actually listened to the pmmm ost while drawing it saved me i love you yuki kajiura😍 (i died)#nothing like a haunting latin chorus echoing through my empty head while i draw tragic yaoi 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰#big shoutout to sis puella magica i had that one on loop for like two hours‼️#anyway enough about the doomed yuri anime back to skk#forget everything i said i actually hope they explode i'm sick of their asses#bungou stray dogs#bungo stray dogs#bsd#chuuya nakahara#nakahara chuuya#osamu dazai#dazai osamu#soukoku#skk#posting at ungodly hours again this is gonna catch up to me 💔#lotus draws
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limbo
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#megumi fushiguro#fushiguro megumi#megumi#fanart#jjk fanart#ART IS NOT SPOILERS BUT I AM GNA YAP ABT STATE OF MEGU IN THE TAGS U HAVE BEEN WARNED#anyway these draws feel empty 2 me now#i feel like the Intent fr them was snatched out from under my feet but i am too proud of them not 2 post so we ball anyway#spent 10 hours straight on it and its siblings gdi#i poured hope and grief and anger in2 them and now all of it has been snuffed out#bC WE GOT NOTHING#sighs stay patient megu nation#we've waited this long we can wait Longer#NEXT CHAPTER TRUST
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*me immediately after going through a terrifying and traumatic experience* haha yeah I guess it was rough but I'm fine now like I'm totally chill. It was kinda funny actually if you think about it
#GUESS WHO GOT A PIERCING INFECTION SO BAD OVERNIGHT SHE HAD TO RUSH TO THE HOSPITAL#AND GET SURGERY TO REMOVE IT BC THE METAL WAS BURROWING ITSELF INSIDE HER LIP#yep that was meee :3#man. it sounds so silly now. like that probably shouldn't have made me panic nearly as much as it did#but you have to understand at the time it was terrifying#I noticed my lip was a bit swollen earlier in the night but I was like ok it's probably nothing serious#I put some ice on it hoping it would be back to normal after I got some sleep#then I woke up at like 5:30 AM with my lip super swollen and my lip piercing literally burying itself inside my flesh#I tried pushing it back out a bit and blood and pus started coming out so yk I started panicking#so I went upstairs and I asked my mom to drive me to the hospital#luckily we have free healthcare in brazil and the hospital was basically empty(this was on sunday)#but when I got there they told me the doctor wouldn't arrive until 8AM and it was like 6:45 at that point#so I REALLY started panicking 🫠 bc I could feel like the piercing kept burying itself more deeply like#I felt like the skin inside my lip was going to close around it and I was terrified bc I had no idea what to do#and I was scared it might make things worse#but all I could do was sit there and wait and so I started having a panic attack#luckily my mom was there with me the whole time so at least I didn't feel alone#and then I just. waited for it to end. and then tried to keep myself distracted until the doctor got there#I got treated by military doctors! sjdjcjck the army has been giving additional support for hospitals in my city#bc of the floods some health units are currently closed and demand got higher so they needed extra support there#so an army doctor performed my surgery(inside an army tent no less ajfjjfkf maybe not ideal but. functional)#he was so nice?? like probably the calmest most careful doctor I've ever been treated by#I still had a bit of a nervous breakdown again after the surgery but that was bc I'd never been through something like that before#I got anesthesia obvs but I still felt the tug when he cut into my skin to remove the piercing and did my stitches#so my mind started cooking up all these horrible scenarios of how everything could go wrong and I was gonna die#cried on the doctor's table. 👍🏻 awesome#but he and his assistant were super nice about it she even offered me a hug#but anyway in the end I finally calmed down and got some medication#now I'm all stitched up with my little bloated lip eating soup out of a straw 👍🏻 but I'm ALIVE and I'm just glad it's all over fjjvjkf#sleep.txt
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sorry this is the ONLY discourse ill allow myself to participate in post finale of agatha all along (or i fear i will lose my mind entirely), but DAMN some people out here rn after the finale being like “i’m sorry you didn’t get the agathario smut you wanted” BITCH!!!! I WASNT ASKING FOR THEM TO FUCK ON SCREEN!!!! i didn’t even need them to get together or even get any semblance of a happy ending!!! i didn’t expect a happy ending in the least tbh!!!!! but you know what i did expect? a final ending. a wrap up. a satisfying and complete finale. a conclusion that actually answers any one of my remaining questions or gave us more context for scenes that we’ve been missing context on the entire time. and i’m sorry but this finale didn’t do that at all. and it’s obviously not bury your gays but jesus christ it wasn’t a good conclusion either. at best it’s honestly a cheap set up for a season two or further content with billy that will prob include bits and pieces of agatha
#i am. beyond words#i was already feeling pretty ick about the ending for a few reasons#but scrolling on the aaa tag is making me so much grouchier#bc some of you bitches are acting like everyone else is dumb and ungrateful just because we’re not kissing the floors jac schaeffer walks o#like PLEASE i love jac i LOVE HER i had so much hope and faith in her and that’s why im upset!!#bc it feels like she didn’t wrap up HER OWN STORY properly#it’s not because she killed off agatha or didn’t get agathario together again#it’s fuckin because i watched the ending and felt just so empty bc of how … incomplete it was??#and then it’s like. well maybe it’s incomplete bc they’re gonna make a s2 or some kind of#elaboration#but that just pisses me off more bc that’s fucking CAPATALISM and CORPORATE GREED controlling it AGAIN#bc yknow what? ten years ago??? this finale would’ve been the half season finale#and we would’ve had twelve+ more episodes to wrap up this season#and to contextualize it#and to even give it filler!!#bring back filler episodes#i’m so sick of back to back action plot packed episodes bro……. what are we even doing#im a little drunk prob gonna delete later#is this unintentionally kind of a subtweet at another post i saw on here? yes? sorry bestie but i am nonconfrontational#and didn’t wanna comment on anybody’s post seeming like i’m trying to fight bc i don’t want to 😭 i just completely fucking disagree#with some of these takes#(ahem hope disney is paying some of you for all that bootlicking)#sorry i am not sober#silas speaks#agatha all along#agathario
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Augh
#fancy is really struggling#and the babies are lovely and just FASCINATING in how they developed around but not shaped by humans and i so very deeply enjoy them#but they are also a little ungovernable due to their age and general lack of caring about rules and they are bothersome and rowdy#and it is obviously so so hard on her and my heart is breaking because im afraid we wont be able to get her through this#and i will have to give the babies up#and...not have another cat#just one#i would be crushed#and added to all of that is that the babies are taking their time learning to be pets and that is fine and wonderful actually#but...i need surgery on at least one ankle and i won't be able to keep up with them if things haven't sorted themselves out by then#and they haven't become more manageable and fancy hasn't adjusted#so we are asking about meds for poor fancy and hoping that works#but she's really having a hard time guys and i am fighting so hard to cope in a household where i spend most of my time alone#with two animals who don't love me yet or interact with me like pets (i'm a source of three things: food and snuggles on demand and NO STOP#and one who is sad and not herself#and frankly it's terrible that i can't fix this#and i am trying not to lose my shit but this wasn't supposed to be so hard#and im afraid i may lose five cats and not three#and im already barely holding on#i don't know what to do and neither does my boyfriend#i don't want to turn around and have to tell you guys we can't keep the babies#i feel like i am failing at something i am supposed to be GOOD AT#i don't want to be in a house so empty#i can't live like that#having the babies is lovely#they're so alive and the boys were so sick by the end and the stress of the constant anxiety and grief as they faded away was crushing#even before they died#it's been so good to have them running about#i don't want to LOSE that#im so tired of LOSING things
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come on
please tell me
#link leads to the music used in malks 5th story - alone by dan farley#art#malkuth#lc malkuth#malkuth lobcorp#lobotomy corporation#lobotomy corporation spoilers#made this at like 2-3 am in a fit of 'god i love malkuths story and dialogue so much'#i could go on forever and ever but here ill talk about how much i love her expressions. they way the cognition filter has her with that#constant cheery look#when shes not smiling it looks odd#and in her 5th story cutscene the music really hammers in the feeling of like. loneliness. of the facade fading away or crumbling#'come on; please tell me. so i can feel rewarded; just a bit.'#this final moment when her smile fades hits the hardest of all for me#knowing it doesnt come back beyond that (ofc until post meltdown)#the just... desolation. desperation? it feels so alone. calling out into the void#the entire time it feels so profoundly sad honestly#but this makes it feel hollow. when malkuth truly feels/looks entirely hollow#though here i may have drawn it less empty more like. expectant#i hope it still gets that across - the feeling of hollowness#again i could go on about malkuth forever. my favorite sephirah i love her so much
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...
#feeling unmoored. feels weird. directionless i guess#i just dont feel like i have a purpose rn. like whats the point of all this? i dont kno#and my head feels so empty. like im not obsessed with anything. my brain isnt overheating and forcing me to do things for better and worse#its too quiet. i have to assume that's the medication bc its literally never been like that ever. but again it makes me feel unmoored#what am i supposed to do if im not being dragged forward by the force of my own compulsions? whats the point of all this?#im sure it doesnt help that im so self isolated. i just dont kno how to have friends. or reciprocate feelings#or feel happiness in a way that makes sense. maybe aiming for happiness is too high a goal. maybe the best i can hope for is to be occupied#and not completely miserable. i dunno. i dunno.#but i have to actually start looking for a job this weekend bc grades are due Tuesday and then im adrift#even more so than now. its just so frustrating bc i dont even want to draw in a way that ive never experienced. its like i just dont care#about anything and my time feels empty. i dont kno what to do. i hate this#unrelated
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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they rejected my application :(
#i mean i knew that they were going to. i literally do not have the degree they want#but sometimes it feels as if people in this field don't take me seriously because im young lol#like they assume that my experience just Does Not Apply because im not in my 40s#its fine. i never told anyone irl i applied for the job so i don't have to worry about that (ty past me) (i almost said it like 10 times)#when the time comes for me to REALLY start job hunting ill start taking rejections more personally but this was a good experience i think#them giving me a rejection at all and not just ghosting me was actually a huge relief tbh#am i supposed to respond to the rejection email? i guess i will?#dont burn your bridges etc#it feels a little weird saying ty for the opportunity when they didn't even interview me#but this whole corporate bullshit is just empty tradition at this point so whatever#anyway the GOOD news is that my really big name reference told my current boss (as a joke but still) that he wanted to steal me from her#he works for the state which would be an INCREDIBLE opportunity if he was in any way serious#so when the time comes ill be casually mentioning to him that im job hunting and we'll see where it goes#literally every conference ive been to people know his name and ask where he is so im hoping he will have enough pull to let a fresh grad in#two different people (both also rather big names in the field) have told me that he thinks really highly of me#and while working with him was a little bit like pulling teeth i don't really have the option to be choosy rn lol#anyways. im disappointed but not surprised#it was a remote position too :( oh well
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literally what do you MEAN the coyote got run over offscreen and the roadrunner is alone and left unchased!!!!!!!!!!
#mumbling to myself death is random and meaningless death is random and meaningless the world is disrupted quietly no one knows what to do#the story cannot progress there is a story beneath the story. There is no one to tell it what to do#everything is unfinished and empty a life that never got to be fully written except it did but how could that be it???#and then it does a little dance!!!!!!!#WES ANDERSON IM GONNA KILL U WITH A MAUL WHAT THE HELL#this is the saddest movie ever made guys im crying voer a roadrunner#im not doing it right!#everyone is dealing with loss they're all alone and they have to perform their roles and they cant and they dont know how or why#this is a love story this is a death story this is a story story#GOT RUN OVER. OFFSCREEN. LIKE. THE PLAYWRIGHT?#the playwright who gets run over offscreen?????????#he predicts his own death a hudnred times over. The. the#how am i supposed to wait for saturday i need to see it again neowwwww#haunted ghost movie!!!! but haunted in a calm and slightly hopeful way#death isn't scary the alien isn't scary. he's just there. he's gonna take something from you and you're gonna feel like#the world is upside down and on fire and scary and you're not gonna know what to say. but it wasnt personal. It didnt mean anything really.
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.
#when i was a kid I was kinda neglected and my parents didn't like me very much but whatever#in tv there would always be these talent#and they would stare little kids with they parents being THERE and PROUD#so in my kid brain i thought: alright so to better my situation i just need to get really good at something and then they'll care for me#and the only skill i had been complimented on before was drawing#so i started teaching myself drawing#birds because i liked them and plants because i thought my mother loved and later skeletons because i was emo lol#and i think how i am so perfectionist in my art (eventhough i try to be happy with just whatever i make these days)#and i think about that quote of suzanne riveca thats like:#(my art) has to be perfect it has to be irreproachable in every way to make up for it#to make up for the fact that it's me#and about that one tweet that went something lile#sometimes we strive for pervection in our art because we hope to one day create something that doesn't look like we made it#and how i love drawing and hat that knife against my throat that hinges my life on it being good#and how no matter what i do#I can't get rid of that sinking feeling that i always have to struggle and earn my place in someones life#even when i know it's not like that and thats just the mentally ill part of my brain being loud and dumb#Like i got so many issues under controll by now#many reason to be proud! and be positive about things getting better and my own strength#but some part of my brain is still that little girl alone in all the empty rooms#and i can't get her out of there#because the strength that girl needed to make it through is the same strength i need to help myself through the waves of the aftermath#like i feel like to heal i'd need to allow mysf to be weak but that prospect of not holding myself clenxhed like a fist is so scary#and also knowing how bad my brain can be who knowd what would happen lol#and I WISH not every therapist in my city that accepts patients was a weird nutjob#so i could talk to them about it rather than the tumblr tag#but this is the hand we've been given and it's the hand we need to hold or however that goes#a few days ago someone called me charming and that was very nice#tumblr still limiting the tags to 30 😔 how is a girl supppse to therapise herself in that economy????#whatever!!! i am shattering like glass but at least i have viddy games and cool people in my life that like me despite it all and music
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on one hand completely ignoring your emotions is soo good for my mental stability and productivity but man i miss staring at the ceiling and listening to sad songs on loop
#idk if depression is the right word but yeah that author was right you become comfortable in your sadness you start loving it because#it becomes such a defining part of you#if i don't engage in any bad habits throughout the day i start to feel so uncomfortable and wrong and unfamiliar#that i crash and do something old me would've done again :(#the bounce back time has significantly improved tho so that's a relief#also lol who am i kidding pms will come soon im sure#but anyway#i physically can't listen to waiting room rn i listened to the opening notes and it was like#like a dam about to burst#so i just closed the gate very fast#i can't be sad rn because then i will feel lonely and then i will miss people and they won't miss me and ill cry the gasping for breath#i don't know what to do with this emptiness in the middle of my chest crying#man i hope this doesn't have any long term consequences#also i hope one day being good feels like me again and rotting in bed becomes unbearable again#i used to be so active like not physically but idk just like engaged with life more#curiously excitedly#well there's no going back now but i do hope i find a good balance#i was reading normal people and kinda rerealised that woah this sadness will always be a huge part of me. you only get#one childhood and. welp it got too real too relatable#i hope i don't turn out like her every self help book ive read says kids follow in their parents footsteps but god i hope not#this is why boys will always be so scary to me#future seems so bleak sometimes like not my 20s they'll be fire im sure but after that. am i even capable of being loved long term?#if the person who knew me the most well can move on from me in a flash. well then. i don't have anything more to give this is all#what has this post even become oh god. whatever. ill keep trying to be smarter first interesting second hopefully lovable will follow
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discovered miah_pie on t*ktok (<- i don’t have one btw i just stumbled upon her bc someone i follow on ig talked abt her) and her videos make me want to cry so bad. 24 year old dependent moment
#purrs#i went to a clothing store today to try to get new work shoes and pants bc the one pair i have of each literally have holes in them and are#falling the fuck apart on my body and it was a HORRIBLE experience largely bc i think everybody in town was out shopping for back to school#so it was super crowded and there were lots of screaming kids and it was extremely stressful + my dad got into a mini car accident while i w#was in the store (he was / is completely fine thankfully but the car is not which is so awesome 😍😍😍😍😍) and i was just so stressed and#overstimulated but also like… nothing fits me bc im so short lol. but anyway it was so horrible i was on the verge of starting to cry in the#store and then i came home empty handed and my mom got super pissed at me for… needing to go to the store / being the reason we were out lol#and then finding miah pie and her videos are all about making trips to the store SO much fun and buying little treats and saying yessir and#OHHHHHH MYYYYY and just finding the joy in smth that can be so stressful and unpleasant… it makes me want to cry happy and sad tears at the#same time like i want that soooo bad and i can’t do it fully yet but i want it. need it. fuck my stupid baka life#anyways im gonna start saying the stuff she says just to make myself feel better even when im not at a store. yessir! OHHHHHH MYYYYYY.#acquired. don’t mind if i diddly dooooo!#also btw i am not a dependent except for the ways i am a dependent. hope that helps 🫶🏻#the problem is really that i don’t have a car or a license and also that my mom throws a fit every time i need / want to get driving#practice bc it’s never a good time so. lol 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 me doing drivers ed this summer was a fucking joke i forget literally everything i#learned and have only been behind the wheel 3 times and none of them have actually counted bc im just developing basic motor skills#(literally). fmlllll im never getting out of here who am i kidding 🤪#delete later
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i moved back to the netherlands last friday and i still really feel like someone is holding my throat closed and something heavy is sitting on my chest & i keep tearing up at the smallest things. it is only a temporary state as i am planning to permanently move to denmark in 2024 but holy shit the way my body is responding to being outside of it is shocking to me
#it feels like the covid period when denmark locked its borders and i felt the same feeling (but less) because i was unable to come in#i hate to be so in love with a country#especially one that is used by right wingers in NL as an example of how to deal with the migration issue#but there is something that just. makes me so Happy#but it scares me#because i put all my hope for my future in the hands of a country who is dedicated to making it More Difficult for me to even come in#and there are some things coming up on my path that are going to determine how easy my path will be#like the C1 level language test and getting accepted for a masters degree#But yeah anyway the thought of having to spend more than a year in the netherlands is absolutely crushing me#i wish i could be excited for the sake of my friends#but when one of my friends who i had not seen this year hugged me#i just felt.... deflated and empty#and i still do#although i am now on the flixbus to copenhagen and about 30km away<3#but eh i might be a bit emotionally unstable the next period#because you can add on top of that that i have also been unable to Relax on my own for almost two months#so i am highly strung and emotionally just a sad wet rat thrown back into the sewers#text#sorry this is incoherent#and there are worse things in the world
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there is something to be said
days pass nights pass
but this remains
there is something to be said
it rings ceaselessly in my head
weeks pass months pass
but this doesn't change
there—where is it, why is it there—is something—something, but what? a feeling? emotion? thought? ideal? dream—to be said—how could this ambiguous amalgamation, this monstrosity of feeling both powerful and unkind, be said in any worthwhile capacity
there is something to be said
you watch it pass i feel it pass
but we won't—remain/change
#lynx speaks#quiet poems#when my head is empty and my words sluggish and i am looked at with the expectation of clarity it feels like falling#there's this rush of emotion that i have no way of handling and i plummet into their disappointment#all i can think is 'there is something to be said' but nothing worthwhile comes out#and we are both left wanting for more#brain fog#<< maybe u can relate#i think i post these poems that no one's sees in the hope that someone will read it and feel what i mean#hell maybe someone else *has* felt the same#how would i know#maybe it's okay that i don't know#but i hope that you know you're not alone#shit's hard fr. here's hoping for a few days of clarity for us 💚💚💚
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