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#and also knowing how bad my brain can be who knowd what would happen lol
witherbythesword
·
2 months
Text
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#when i was a kid I was kinda neglected and my parents didn't like me very much but whatever
#in tv there would always be these talent
#and they would stare little kids with they parents being THERE and PROUD
#so in my kid brain i thought: alright so to better my situation i just need to get really good at something and then they'll care for me
#and the only skill i had been complimented on before was drawing
#so i started teaching myself drawing
#birds because i liked them and plants because i thought my mother loved and later skeletons because i was emo lol
#and i think how i am so perfectionist in my art (eventhough i try to be happy with just whatever i make these days)
#and i think about that quote of suzanne riveca thats like:
#(my art) has to be perfect it has to be irreproachable in every way to make up for it
#to make up for the fact that it's me
#and about that one tweet that went something lile
#sometimes we strive for pervection in our art because we hope to one day create something that doesn't look like we made it
#and how i love drawing and hat that knife against my throat that hinges my life on it being good
#and how no matter what i do
#I can't get rid of that sinking feeling that i always have to struggle and earn my place in someones life
#even when i know it's not like that and thats just the mentally ill part of my brain being loud and dumb
#Like i got so many issues under controll by now
#many reason to be proud! and be positive about things getting better and my own strength
#but some part of my brain is still that little girl alone in all the empty rooms
#and i can't get her out of there
#because the strength that girl needed to make it through is the same strength i need to help myself through the waves of the aftermath
#like i feel like to heal i'd need to allow mysf to be weak but that prospect of not holding myself clenxhed like a fist is so scary
#and also knowing how bad my brain can be who knowd what would happen lol
#and I WISH not every therapist in my city that accepts patients was a weird nutjob
#so i could talk to them about it rather than the tumblr tag
#but this is the hand we've been given and it's the hand we need to hold or however that goes
#a few days ago someone called me charming and that was very nice
#tumblr still limiting the tags to 30 😔 how is a girl supppse to therapise herself in that economy????
#whatever!!! i am shattering like glass but at least i have viddy games and cool people in my life that like me despite it all and music
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