#but i dont have work until 4 tomorrow
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Should I stay awake? Maybe. I still need to do the dispatcher application, so yes. I should stay awake and do that. But my having fun imagination has brought me to laying down and I want to sleep now. Who cares if I'm tired? That part is less important.
(Yes. I am aware half the post is in the tags. This is how I post. I'm sorry.)
#personal#choices are being made#but i dont have work until 4 tomorrow#so do it in the morning?#super early?#ill wake up that early if i sleep now#just gotta make myself get out of bed#way hard with whatever mental illness i have#no therapist to confirm
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ok fine motherfucker ill listen to your damn song again
#ramblings#i love live blogging about having silly billy stuck in my head. thanks ochre im now off the brainrot deep-end /lh /silly#ive been given a blorbo against my will what the fuck do i do. pico didnt haunt me bc i invited him in here willingly#<- actually very fucking funny knowing my first reaction to this fixation and specifically fixating on pico#was do doodle me holding a lighter to him like the `oh hi mr frog . youre not supposed to be here` meme#im gonna. lay down in the dark while i do so. im tired as shit#<- makes sense since its nearly 10pm but its frustrating bc i got work tomorrow afternoon#so i dont wanna go to bed yettttnjgnfjnjkfngf i want to stay in my free day for as long as possible#even tho i dont have to leave until 4:20
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okay I AM LEAVING and u all need to YELL AT ME if u see me online
#i need to get a couple things out of the way or i will start screaming and crying and throwing up#cant work on my stupid group project bc i will start killing if my partners dont help but i can do my stupid whatever the fuck it is#that is like a third of my grade and im gonna find a way to do all of it tonight or im going to spontaneously combust and i would very#much not like to do that because tomorrow i have to be places (gardens i will probably not get another chance to visit for like 4 months)#and do things (take pictures of BUGS and FROGS and FLOWERS and ROCKS and WATER and NOT THINK ABOUT SCHOOL)#so BYE#probably until tomorrow. or maybe the day after. or maybe i will magically finish all of my work and come back and grace u all with#my presence sooner. who knows. bye
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telling the psychiatrist who gets me my adhd medication that i dont have abnormal anxiety except now im pulling another anxiety-driven all nighter because every time i close my eyes i feel slightly like im going to die from thoughts
the moral of this story is dual enrollment sucks
#rat.txt#anxiety#adhd#i am having so much fucking fun /sarcasm#also im hanging out with a friend i havent seen in awhile at 10 (its 4 rn)#and i have a job interview on monday (tomorrow)#and my dual enrollment class starts on tuesday#except it doesnt if i accidentally fucked everything up#but my anxiety and anxiety driven executive dysfunction have not let me open my computer at all#so i dont know if i accidentally fucked shit up#i finally opened my college email account for the first time earlier this week#<- id had it for over a month#i am going to die on tuesday but at least i can ride the marta instead of drive#the second moral of this story is driving sucks#also on monday afternoon i have to feed the beighbor’s cat#<- i will be laying on their kitchen floor just vibing with the chonky girl#and my class is tuesday from 10-13:30. but the marta is slow and i am anxious so ill be waking up at 7:30ish#and then from 15:30 until like 20:00ish im volunteering to help run the concession stand at my siblings’ swim meet#also im staying with my dad this week (hes cool dw) but ill probably wnd up driving to my mom’s to hang out with my cat#and dying in the process#also i have summer work for ap calculus i havent even been able to open#and my ap lang teacher (who i wont have next year) assigned us summer book reviews but he’s cool and i dont want to dissapoint him#also ap exam scores come out in like july#<- i either did amazing or terribly. no in between#vent post#dual enrollment sucks
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#bleh. dont burn yourself out kids#everything ive been a part of for the last 4 years in this lab has to b published eventually#and i just had my 1st paper published. probably the most interesting thing i worked on and how do i feel abt this? i dont feel anything#but bitterness. every congratulations i hear i just wanna say fuck off. dont encourage this. do u kno what i did to make that data exist#as u see it? i mangled something within myself beyond repair. enjoy the information if u want but i wont#all i see is a symptom of an illness im doing nothing to treat#everything i did in this lab will be seeped in anger and pain#it has to change. i wont let it be the same in my next lab. no more fucking timed experiments#i cannot b trusted to b normal abt them#ugh. i just feel bad bc i finished my measurements for the week and i have a 2 day lul until i leave on vacation#and i kno i have to get 3 heavy instruments to fedex tomorrow bc i didnt do it today#sigh. i csnt focus. i spent so much time today tryint to remember what im supposed to b doing. then i made myself mad writing out the#hypnoses for an experiment i didnt fuckinf design and i dont care abt. like y did we do this? idk i just fucking do what u tell me#maybe ill go run again. i dont wanna do anything#my dad yesterday: ready for vacation? me: yea 😭😭😭😭😭#just gotta not crash my car on the drive to the airport bc i have to drive myself there 🙃#unrelated#i hope the instrument manufacturers appreciate the unicorn tape i got specificly for shipping those things#bc how could i not when given the option?
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LOVE&KISS more like LOVE&KISS the fuckin homies amirite
#chapter 3 has the biggest fuckin boykisser attitude what the fuck#like im actually stunned#and no i dont have work today. im off~#but i go back tomorrow#thankfully ch 4 is only 16 pages tho#but thats the shortest chapter until the epilogue
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getting my ears pierced this weekend
#my incredibly low pain tolerance vs my need to look cool#im not actually worried abt getting it done its more the aftercare like oughfhghg i dont wanna mess it up and get an infection or smth#also seeing as how i exclusively sleep on my side face mashed into the pillow i will have to work something out for when my ears are ouchie#AND THE WAITING UNTIL I CAN FINALLY WEAR FUN EARRINGS. but the time will pass anyway#and the sooner i get it done the sooner ill be wearin fun earrings#i have all my mothers jewelry and she had a pair of zebra earrings that i want to wear soooooo bad#anyway pray me for me not to fuck up the healing process in the 4-6 weeks from tomorrow
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spent the last hour of my shift telling myself I'd be able to get curry from the place next to the laundromat as a reward only to just now discover they aren't open on mondays
#so now the only reward ill get for doing laundry is clean clothes. criminal#i can think of another little treat i would enjoy but thats from One Store thats a 30 minute walk from home in the opposite direction#i could go to the store right next to the laundromat i suppose#i could also. not spend the last of my money on a treat but why would i do that#i get paid tonight anyway#tomorrow after work i could get my curry but I'd probably get it delivered bc they dont open until 4 i think#and i get off work at half 2#none of this matters there is no reason for me to tell u all my plans to have a little treat but#i post enough complaints here and yes this counts technically but this is also a positive post. a treat post
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My supervisor just called and asked if I was going to try and make it in, but like, all the roads are still closed including the one he takes to work lol
#crap#brah nah my plans are my truck wont start so i dont have transport until my dad can get here with his vehicle#and that wont be until the road between his town and mine opens up#like if it all opens up at noon ill give it a shot but if it all opens at 4 theres no point#i do need that truck tonight hopefully since the wind is supposed to die down later today#but im not risking a $2000 fine to get to work sorry#good luck tho#i need it tonight so i can go to work tomorrow#as fun as a surprise snow or two is tomorrow i get double time and a half#you bet your biscuits i want double time and a half
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finally did the math and i have/will be working 65 hours in one week lol, average of 9hrs per day, which is more time than i spend sleeping
not counting the time i spend travelling, which would make it ~73, which means an average of 10hrs every day
could pick up a shift tomorrow and make it 71 (80 with travel)
#this is so awesome i feel like im dying#i keep sleeping like. maybe 4-6hrs a night and now when i take my testosterone in the morning it feels like rebellious self care#bc i literally do not have time to between waking up and leaving without making myself late bc i sleep in way too late every day#so i keep being late bc im so fucking tired and then my manager gets mad at me for being late when i worked until midnight and its 8am now#i literally feel like my body is breaking down. my calf muscles have this stabbing pain behind my knee and my joints are so painful#i cant breathe properly bc im so tense and anxious and tired and ive had to rewear underwear 3x bc i havent had time/energy for laundry#i finally showered on friday after 2-3 weeks it was awesome and i keep crying on the bus and in the office#i feel like im going to collapse im in so much pain and i keep gettin really close to killing myself but i dont have time to be hospitalised#anyway. srry abt venting so much here#also i literally dont know if my bf is ok bc theres flooding in his area and i think hes asleep so he hasnt text back for hours#delete later#none of it would be so bad if going home was at least restful but theres literally no respite from it bc my room is a wreck#im so anhedonic that literally nothing feels good anymore so i cant even cheer myself up unless im drunk bc i dont have a weed dealer rn#might try to get some co-codamol for the pain tomorrow after my blood test but idk we'll see
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it's been a weird 8 hours. but i had a dream about boothill last night so fuck it we ball
#idk why it couldn't be about the husband but. beggars cant be choosers ig lmfoajennfn#but yea i went to bed late last night which was a dumb thing to do. but i had only been asleep for like 20 minutes#before my roommate woke me up at 2am in excruciating pain. but she also wouldn't let me take her to the e.r so. went back to bed#had to wake up 4 hours later to take her to work. then went back to bed for what should've been like an hour.#ended up accidentally turning my alarm off instead of snoozing. slept until 3 minutes before i needed to be to work. and had to come in late#and on top of that i'm getting sick#so its all just super off rn whnfkiwntnf#need to just fast forward to tonight and go to bed so that i can start over tomorrow#anyways. the dream does not bode well for the brainrot its just gonna be worse now so mfkccijengmvkdjd#i dont think anyones gonna wanna read all of this but if u do i love uuuuu#and i hope everyone else's days are/have been much better than mine lol#₊˚⊹⋆˚☂︎ bunny babbles ₊˚⊹⋆˚
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sweats do i stay up to 2am to watch the hermitcraft server stream or do i sleep like a normal guy
#sweats. i could nap#i could sleep for 2 hours and then wake up#man thats so 2020 dsmp of me to consider#i have been awake since 5 am BUT ive also slept for like. 4 hours during the day maybe more#i do want to check in on at least 1 phasmo stream tho#ok what if i sleep for half an hour and then wake up for phasmo#like theres at least half an hour until it starts#ok so hermitstream is likely to go onto like 4am at least#i still need 8 hours#that means waking up at 12pm#which is like FINE but i dont like it#but if i sleep for an hour now then i can wake up at 11am which is. slightly better#i dont have anyhting to do tomorrow except some light work and maybe a stream#and i can always nap#tho my internal schedule will be fucked over#we will see#insert that image of the maths woman#ok actually im not likely to stay awake for the 2 hours anyway#idk lmao#or i could just watch it in the morning like a normal person
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#i genuinely cant think of anything i want for Christmas. maybe skin tone copics but that's literally the only thing#im like the worst person to do things for honestly. there r so many rules and the things i want r so specific that its really not worth it#like i already have too much stuff. the amount of stuff i have rn in this tiny apartment stresses me out#i dont need more. i only work and draw so like i really dont need anything???#so i honestly dont kno wtf to tell my family. like idk give me 25 bucks and ill buy a game on steam#except i wanna get games when break starts and now after Christmas so actually dont do that#idk just dont buy me anything. and dont make me buy anything. im already spiraling#and i might b moving across the fucking ocean in the next year so like idk i dont need more stuff#uuuugh im just avoiding doing things. like interview practice. and writing. and lab work#im just tired. maybe ill go to bed at like 9 lmao. avoid my problems until tomorrow#i would like to be excused from Christmas on account of having a breakdown. or just being a whiny brat#i really need to practice for the interview. bc im underqualified so i need to pretend it hasnt been 4 years since itook molecular genetics#and that i totally absolutely know lots about photosynthesis. definitely absolutely know what im doing. can i read? yes absolutely i can#understand words. ive never been sick in the head ever in my life and its a miracle. so pls give me money#uuuuuuuugh y brain? y dont u listen to me??? we have tasks! do them! pls!#unrelated
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I've had lazy autumn just to jump in ITS THE SECOND WEEK OF THE YEAR YOU HAVE TO DO 186469 THINGS FOR WORK AND 789 THINGS FOR SCHOOL AND 4 THINGS FOR ENSURING A NICE WEEKEND TRIP AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
#how is your 2024 im suddently overwhelmed with tasks which makes me feel kind of powerful ngl#im like. barely managing everything. but im managing!#i have an exam on wednesday. i havent covered all the exam questions yet but its like. ethics. meh.#but i have to do my best. and its a bit much.#considering i will work until wee hours of the night tomorrow#okay technically im working until 9pm but i feel like ill be done at like 20pm. or maybe 20:30#and i have so many events tomorrow.#there are new girls to help but they are. new girls. they have to be supervised and trained#and i start at 8 am tomorrow ;(#and the day after that#and on friday too#but on thursday i have to be at uni at 9am#to learn the last of methods i dont know abt yet#i dont think i can hold in any more information in my head but man i hope i will#also my cat has been acting weird. she gets into sleeping position and hisses. my hypothesis is that its bc of the spicy calamari that were#left in the open on the table for a long time and my mom saw how she ate a rather large bit#so i just hope shes suffering from spicy tummy and nothig more#moreover i just recruited two of my coworkers to do research with me#which lead to a problem: how am i supposed to draw blood three times in a span of 4 hours#obviously cathether would be the best option#however my supervisor told me that in previous experiments it kind of got crumpled after use#and it was more painful to insert a new cathether than to just puncture veins multiple times#but i think thats messed up. so i want to do a pvc#my solution was like aha maybe a butterfly needle - it wont crumple!#but then the guy was like girl it will only stay in if the participant is not moving.#and i was like yeah no prob but like nope actually. the participants have to eat and stand and i have to let them go to the bathroom#so im trying to find a middle ground here and maybe inserting a regular cannula but getting the blood with a regular syringe would do it#bc like syringe is slower than vacutainer and maybe it wont crumple the cathether#but like no one does it with a syringe#although i did find some articles abt using that method when patients have problems
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wow i sure do love my job -__- can u guys feel the love radiating off this post -__-
#ignorance cloud on#just kidding i HATE this job#todays headache: person contacts us last fucking minute abt an order for sushi#we try Placing the order for sushi. website is not working. we try on MULTIPLE DIFFERENT PLATFORMS and they STILL dont work.#place doesnt open until noon. find out after like 4 HOURS OF TRYING that doordash is DOWN#going to have to see if the place does its own delivery otherwise this person CANNOT get sushi#this couldve been resolved if fucking mercury didnt email us LAST NIGHT abt an order due TOMORROW#GIVE US LIKE 72 HOURS GIRL! THE FUCK!
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saw-esque halloween themed dnd oneshot with the party tomorrow and i probably wont be able to attend
#thetalogs#love my friends but THEY ARE FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE TO PLAN THINGS WITH#the AMOUNT of fucking times i have to BEG them to stop going off topic in the gc is insane. please please please oh my fucking god#the oneshot is tomorrow and we didnt have a solidly established plans until literally 45 min ago#BUT I GUESS IT DOESNT FUCKING MATTER#CONSIDERING I WONT BE ABLE TO ATTEND#LOL#whatever! whatever whatever ive had 3 really good days in a row im not gonna let this get me down#just. really shit planning on literally everyones part#oh yeah sure bro we can do this at 6 pm cause you have to get off work.#yeah ofc we can eat dinner together and THEN start a 4 hr+ length dnd oneshot. yeah thatll be fine. absolutely fucking ludicrous reasoning.#honestly i probably could go but i almost dont even want to anymore. feeling too spiteful#AND ANOTHER THING#why the FUCK did P disrupt the whole planning convo and then go yeah ethan is coming! youre coming right ethan????#like shut the absolute hell up youre not funny nobody finds you funny#the fact that you keep making jokes while im trying to figure out this scheduling is irritating at best#and genuinely makes me wanna kick you in the fucking face at worst#LITERALLY i dont even like you right now#ooooooooo im normal. normal emotions well adjusted girlie etc etc. haha
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