#CONSIDERING I WONT BE ABLE TO ATTEND

[ccrv-7]

saw-esque halloween themed dnd oneshot with the party tomorrow and i probably wont be able to attend

[juupitrr]

finally got to that self indulgent mood lovely dovely

comf moon w sammy

[jaemified]

TAKING ME HIGH (ANGEL)

“fuck. you really couldnt wait an hour?”

☆ pairing ; dior employee minghao x flight attendant fem reader

☆ genre ; smut (minors dni!!), porn w plot, est relationship

☆ warnings ; swearing, smoking, oral (m receiving)((giving head under the table)), handjob, haos mean, readers bratty, praise kink if ya squint, degrading, pet names (baby, pretty girl, angel, sweet girl, pretty baby, brat, slut), hair pulling

☆ wordcount ; 2.0k

☆ synopsis ; after being away from your boyfriend for almost a literal week thanks to your job, you want nothing more than him in every possible way. but when he finds himself picking his games over you, you come to a compromise; sneaking under the table while hes distracted.

READ BELOW THE CUT

it wasnt like your boyfriend didnt spoil you.

i mean, you were pretty fucking spoiled considering he was one of diors top employees. he always made sure to bring you home a ‘small’ gift coming out of his bonus after a successful sale at work.

and by small, he means one of the most expensive perfumes or shoes he knows youd love.

of course you were grateful for the gifts and all, it wasnt like it was one sided seeing as you always brought him back some luxury brand when you took part in flights across the world BUT, all you really wanted was his attention.

youre his perfect angel, you both knew that. but no amount of gifts can satisfy how much you craved him and his touch after a long 7 days without him.

finally, you were coming home. not that you were really gone that long. but when you’re a flight attendant for 10 different 12 hour long flights, its without a doubt you’ll be tired beyond belief.

you were so excited to see minghao, wanting nothing more than to cuddle with him in your warm bed.

that was, until you called him at least.

you realized you wanted way more.

you facetimed minghao as you stepped into your taxi on the way to your apartment complex, plugging your earbuds into your phone.

“hi baby. im so excited to see you! im about a half hour away.”

“me too, i bet you did so good at work. i got a surprise waiting for you. where are you? driving?” he mumbled, seeming distracted.

“im in a taxi, ill put it on my card though. what are you up to? you sound distracted. could you turn on your cam for me?”

“huh? oh yeah no problem, sorry. i just- damn it! wonwoo, get mingyu! hes right behind you!” minghao shouted, startling you as his loud voice rang through your ears.

you sighed, of course hes playing games.

“is this better?” he asked with a sweet but slightly confused tone.

there he was, your boyfriend. you couldnt even believe he was yours. he wasnt even doing anything, just sitting there with his phone propped up as he yelled at his computer.

“y/n?”

“huh? oh sorry.. you look..”

“great? i know.” he chuckled.

great was an understatement. hes heavenly. with his black fitted tank top, his sunglasses resting on top of his black cap.

you pressed your thighs together at the way his muscles flexed whenever he gripped his mouse.

minghao glanced over at you, smirking lazily as he lit up a cigarette he pulled from his desk drawer.

“smoking again?”

“coulda smoked with you if you were already here.”

“im not a stoner like you. its occasional.”

“isnt today an occasion?”

“...”

you both kept it short, with you being the one to hang up seeing as you were in semi public and totally not because you were growing more and more horny seeing minghao in that stupid tank top.

you made sure to tip the driver before you had rushed to the entrance of the building, barely able to wait any longer to see minghao (amongst other things).

you opened your door to your shared bedroom, and there he was.

“hey baby, how was work?” he asked half minded as he barely turned to notice you.

“it was so damn tiring. missed you.” you mumbled, walking over to your boyfriend, wrapping your arms around his neck and leaving a peck on his cheek.

“yeah missed you too sweet girl. fuck- chan! oh my god, revive me or i swear i wont buy you food for the rest of the month.”

“i thought itd be us today?” you pouted.

“it is, angel. whatever you want pretty baby. just give me a few minutes yeah?”

and so you waited,

and waited.

and waited some more

it felt like an eternity had passed (it was barely over an hour) yet you were growing needier by the second watching the way his muscles flexed, and the way his voice sounded, or especially the way he’d groan and throw his head back whenever he lost.

‘id kill to see him like that while i was doing something else..’ you mumbled

until,

a lightbulb went off in your head

slowly, you made your way to minghaos desk, pecking his soft lips before crawling under the table to kneel in front of him.

“what are you doing angel?” he asked with a warning tone.

“nothing. dont mind me.” you hummed as you reached out to untie the drawstrings on his sweatpants.

“y/n- god. just keep it down wont you?” he whispered looking down at you, then back at his computer screen as he saw a new game was starting.

you smiled to yourself knowing you were getting what you wanted, for the most part.

you pulled down his sweatpants, pressing a kiss on minghaos inner thigh, mumbling a ‘thank you’ as he lifted up his hips to make it easier for you remove the grey piece of clothing.

you kissed up from his knee, all the way up to his bulge before rubbing your thumb over his clothed tip, where a wet patch began to grow.

minghao brought one hand down to your head, gripping your hair. “stop teasing and just take it out already.” he muttered as he brought your face closer to him.

“i thought it was anything i wanted?” you mocked.

he only rolled his eyes and released his grip on your hair to return back to his keyboard.

you pull down his boxers, sighing in contentment as a drop of precum hits your cheek.

slowly, you wrap your lips around his tip, swirling your tongue around and swallowing what leaked out his slit.

you focused most of your attention on his tip knowing how sensitive he was before going down and taking as much as you could, feeling him deep in your throat.

minghao bit back a choked moan, you were able to feel how his body stiffened up.

“what? yeah im good. i just slammed my hand on my desk.” he brushed it off to his friends.

then, you noticed how hard he was trying to not get caught when you were hardly doing anything. so you wanted to try something — see how far you could go before he snaps.

you bob your head up and down his length, running your hand wherever your mouth couldnt reach.

seeing how he wasnt reacting as much anymore, you slowly pull off his dick. that was, up until you felt your boyfriends tight grip on your hair, moving you the way he wants you.

he held your head still as he fucked up into your mouth, letting out occasional low whimpers.

“hao- seriously, you seem so distracted like we might as well just kick you out the party.” mingyu joked.

“shut up gyu you arent even on our team.”

noticing the conversation between him and his friends, you thought youd stop for a few seconds just to take a breather, before he grips your hair harshly to keep you still, chuckling at how tears formed in the corners of your eyes when he started to thrust his hips up harder against the back of your throat.

“hes kinda right though, you keep dying twice every other round and spend most of your time just standing in the corner.” wonwoo spoke up before everyone else in the team muttered in agreement.

“whatever. im muting, hold on.”

he typed something into his keyboard before removing his headset, and looking down at you.

he stops his movements and releases your hair when you look up at him, his hard dick still resting in your warm mouth.

“what are we gonna do with you, huh sweet angel?”

you whined, rubbing your thighs together before pulling off him and replacing your movements with your hand, stroking him softly, giving him a squeeze.

“god- youre such a fucking brat.” he groaned as you sped up your pace. “fuck- you really couldnt wait an hour?”

“cant. missed you too much. need you so, so badly..” you moaned as you watched the amount of precum leaking from his tip, lowering your head to lick it up.

“yeah? youre an impatient slut huh? couldnt wait for my cock? is that it?” he scoffed.

minghao takes one more puff of the joint he lit earlier before putting it out and throwing away the bud, blowing the smoke up towards the ceiling.

he puts his hand over yours, stopping your wrist before whispering in your ear,

“if you dont make me cum in 5 minutes, youre not cumming at all.”

[hylianane]

Yeah, hello, I read a short of the Zoro novel. God stuck on a particular bit.

The novel establishes that in Shimotsuki Village, there’s a tradition similar to the idea of floating lanterns in Japan and I believe a lot of East Asia. The fan translator said they call it the Fire Float in Shimotsuki, where on the anniversary of a person’s death, they place candles on boats made of bamboo leaves and set them down the river so the person’s visiting soul can find their way back to the underworld.

The novel also quickly established that Zoro doesn’t really attend that ceremony, not even for Kuina. Probably for the best, since he’d probably just get the soul lost. But. I’m stuck on it. Because what if he started paying his respects in the form of a Fire Float. But only after he’s thousands of miles away from Shimotsuki Village.

In the days leading up to the anniversary of Merry’s (and maybe Yubashiri’s) death, the idea of the Fire Float wont leave him alone. And its not because of any sentimentality he harbors in his little Grinch heart, surely not. It’s just. The irrational thought of if Zoro doesn’t do it, then who will guide their soul back to rest? proves to be too distracting. So he mans up and asks Hawkeyes to spare him some candles, and tries his best to remember how to make boats out of leaves while ignoring the Ghost Girl pestering him about what he’s even doing. Some months go by, and he’s crouched by the river in Kuraigana again, doing the same thing for Ace.

The following year, it comes a lot more naturally. He doesn’t feel as embarrassed, or superstitious, now that he knows Mihawk could care less what he does and Perona isn’t someone who’d mock him for that kind of thing. The year after that, however, he almost chickens out again. If it weren’t for the sudden hollow pit in his stomach once the date of Merry’s death approaches, and the question of who will help them when they get lost? coming back with a vengeance, he most likely wouldn’t have had the courage to ask Nami to time their arrival to the next island more carefully. Or to ask Franky and Usopp if they know how to build leaf boats that aren’t shitty. He definitely wouldn’t have been able to swallow down his embarrassment with a cup of sake before explaining why he’s asking these favors of them of them at all.

It was a dumb thing to get in his own head about though, all things considered. Cause when they hear about the little remembrance holiday Zoro’s planning, instead of raising eyebrows at the uncharacteristic sentimentality of it all, they don’t coo at him in mockery, no, his crewmates seem to sort of. melt. at the idea of doing something like that to honor their dead. Usopp even blinks tears away, a little in disbelief, when he learns that Zoro started doing it out of concern for Merry. The atmosphere almost gets a little too genuine, too sugary sweet for Zoro’s palette.

But then they stop to laugh at the very idea of Zoro leading anyone anywhere.

[parad-ice-lostandfound]

Prompt: Because I'm tired and want someone to cuddle me <3

Pairing: OM!Boys and GN!Reader

Genre: Fluff, comfort

TW: NA

AN: Because I feel drained. You know that bone-deep tiredness that's there for no apparent reason? Yeah, that's what I've been feeling for the past 4 days. Add horrible, horrible summer heat with it and you have one very tired, sticky and frustrated Icey.

This is very self-indulgent btw. Not really happy with the ending, but oh well, this has spent too long in my drafts, so enjoy~

The first sign that something was not right with you was when you woke up.

Your skin was clammy, the t-shirt you had slipped into the previous night sticking to your body despite it being a fairly cold night. An odd sense of exhaustion hung over as you sat up in bed, drowsily willing your limbs to move.

You jolted slightly at a sudden pounding at your door, groaning as you heard Mammon's voice telling you that you were late. Letting out a tired sigh, you swung your legs to get out of bed.

You went through your morning routine (that Asmo had all but wrestled you into following), trying to fight the alluring call of your still unmade bed. Normally you would make your bed as soon as you woke up, but considering the time constraints imposed upon you, you decided not to today. Besides, if you were to keep feeling this way the entire day, you would collapse into bed the moment you came home.

Mind made, you slung your bag (that you had the foresight to pack the day before, thank Diavolo-) over your shoulder. Time for another day of learning at RAD.

What could possibly go wrong?

You had been feeling queasy the entire day, and that only heightened when it was time for lunch.

Solomon eyed you as you kept playing with the food on your plate. A glance at Simeon revealed that he too had noticed your off behavior. The brothers were all a bit pre-occupied with some student council related work, which was why you were currently sitting with the Purgatory Hall members; but that couldn't be the reason for the way you barely made a dent in the food provided by the cafeteria. And it was one of your favorites as well.

"MC?" he called out to you gently.

You hummed in response. "Yes Sol?"

"Is the food not to your liking?" Simeon asked, his careful question bringing Luke's attention to your mostly untouched food. The younger angel began fretting and worrying over you instantaneously.

Luke's actions brought out the very first smile from you all day. "I'm fine Luke, just a bit tired," you responded to his heart-warming actions, lightly ruffling his hair. Luke huffed, but still hovered close to you with a concerned expression on his face. Simeon took one of your hands in his, checking your well-being using his angelic powers. Nothing seemed too out of the ordinary, and he told you as much.

"But still, you shouldn't overexert yourself MC," Simeon added after some thought. Just as you were going to reply, a familiar voice cut in.

"Indeed MC. There is no need to force yourself to attend RAD if you're not feeling well," Diavolo gave you a smile as he took a seat next to Simeon. Barbatos stood at his side, a fond smile on his lips as well.

"You should take the day off. Lucifer won't mind, I'm sure."

"I-"

Solomon lightly elbowed you, mischief in his eyes as he whispered, "Take the day off. You look dead on your feet, and I would prefer it if my little apprentice is in prime condition for all our experiments~"

You huffed in amusement. For all his cockiness, you could hear the concern in his words. "Fine," you conceded, missing the way everyone seemed relieved, "I'll go home, but only because I feel like trash. And i probably wont be able to concentrate in class." You stood to throw your uneaten lunch in the trash, coming back to your friends to get your bag. "Guess I'll get going now."

"Do you need someone to escort you MC?" Barbatos asked, his hand coming up to brush a few strands of your hair behind your ear. An innocent gesture that had your heart speeding up momentarily, and a red tint spreading all over your face. Barbatos chuckled at your flustered state as you squeaked out, "Nope! I'll be fine!"

"Rest well."

As soon as you reached the House of Lamentation, it was like a switch had been flipped. The exhaustion you had been fighting to keep back hit you with all the force of a rampaging beast. You barely made it to the bathroom, stripping off your clothes and getting into the bathtub.

You lost track of time as you soaked in the warm water, the bath salts Asmo had gotten for you relaxing you and taking some of the tiredness away. Once the water lost its warmth and your fingers became all wrinkled, you decided to get out. You nearly slipped when you placed one foot on the bathroom floor, hand shooting out to hold onto the side of the bathtub. A breathless laugh tumbled out of your lips, your heart hammering away in your rib cage from the close call. Carefully this time, your extracted yourself and quickly changed into clean and comfortable clothes after drying yourself.

Now that you felt less like a grimy gremlin, you decided to take a nap. Unfortunately, your bed did not feel as comfortable as it looked anymore. You tossed and turned for a few minutes, huffing in frustration before finally sitting up and glaring at the offending piece of furniture.

You needed to sleep. You wanted to sleep. But you were not comfortable enough to and it was driving you mad. Grumbling, you got off your bed, shooting it another nasty glare, picked up your favorite fluffy blanket and left the room.

One long and arduous journey up a flight of stairs led you to the perfect place for taking naps; the attic. You sighed in bliss as you sank into the bed, fluffy blanket on top of you soft and comforting on your skin. Things couldn't be any better.

You slipped into dreamland soon after, not realizing that you had forgotten your DDD in your room.

Lucifer frowned, looking at his chat with you.

When Diavolo first told him that you had gone home because you hadn't been feeling well, he wondered whether it was just an excuse. While he hadn't paid you much attention that morning, you seemed perfectly fine. When Simeon told him about your off behavior throughout the day, he got concerned enough to send you messages asking if you had reached the House of Lamentation safely and if you needed anything.

Messages that had gone unread and unanswered, even as it was nearing the end of the school day.

Lucifer wondered momentarily if he was the only one who went ignored, a belief shattered when he heard the loud voices of Asmo and Mammon complaining that you had ignored their messages and calls. Levi nervously asked, "D-do you think they're hurt or something? They don't usually ignore our messages..."

A ripple of panic passed through the brothers, but before anyone could act on that panic, Satan spoke up. "If something was wrong with them, we would have felt it through our pacts. Calm down."

"Satan's right. They must be resting right now," Lucifer hummed, hand resting on his hip as he looked at his brothers. "So you should all refrain from bombarding them with texts and calls. There are only two lectures remaining for the day to end; we can check up on them once we're home."

Garnet eyes watched as his brothers left the student council room one by one, before taking another look at his DDD.

Still unread...

"MC? We're home darling!"

"Shut up Asmo, they're sleeping right now. I can feel it," Belphie grumbled, the soothing hum of the pact mark against his skin lulling him to sleep. It was a calm that washed over him when you were taking part in his sin, and with the intensity of it, he could tell you were in the house.

That was good. The House of Lamentation was safe, more or less.

He watched as Mammon bee-lined straight to your room. Then, in true Mammon fashion, he threw open the door, only to freeze instantaneously.

"Oi, MC?" he called out as he stepped inside the room, eyes finding it empty. "Hey human, where are you?"

"They're not in their room?" Satan asked as he peeked inside said room, frowning as though it could tell him where you went. "Their bag and DDD is still here," he observed.

"Maybe they've gone to one of our rooms? Oh, I do hope it's mine~" Asmo giggled before skipping away. Belphie watched all of his brothers try to get to their own rooms, including Lucifer, in hope they'd find you resting there. Idiots, the bunch of them.

"...Where do you think they are Belphie?"

"The attic, Beel."

"Okay."

Levi made his way to the common room after having checked if you were in his room. It's not like he seriously thought you would be there. He sleeps in a bathtub, and that isn't the most relaxing place to sleep, he knows this. But he was surprised to see almost all of his brothers there as well.

Asmo pouted, leaning against Satan on the sofa. Lucifer sat on the armchair, watching as Mammon paced left and right.

"What's going on?"

"Oh, Levi! MC's not in any of our rooms, and I'm guessing they aren't in yours either?" Asmo hummed as Levi nodded.

"Did you check the twin's room?"

"I did, it was empty as well," Satan answered.

A beat of silence before... "Did anyone check the attic?"

The five brothers looked at each other, realization setting in as 4 of them scrambled to get to their resting human.

Lucifer sighed, before following his brothers up the stairs to the attic. Once he reached the top, he could see Asmo taking photos and cooing at the scene in front of them all.

You were cocooned in a fluffy blanket, your hair the only part of you visible. Beel slept comfortably on his side, his back facing the door to the attic, one arm over your swaddled figure securely. Belphie was on the other side, not asleep for once as he gave his older brothers a lazy smirk. "Took you guys long enough," he chuckled.

"Oi, you brat- mmph!"

"Shut up, they're sleeping," Belphie hissed, the arm used to throw a pillow at Mammon's face lowering and maneuvering the blanket around you so your face was now somewhat visible. "If you promise to be quiet, you can join us," he hummed, before closing his eyes and drifting off to dreamland.

Lucifer gave an exasperated smile as the rest of his brothers joined the cuddle pile, opting to pull a chair beside the bed for himself, content with watching over his family as they rested.

[frostedpuffs]

I'm regards of your post about getting a degree, a cousin of mine just turned 30, she has been working with her degree in medicina for a couple of years now, and she told us the other day that she wanted to go back to school because she doesn't like her line of work anymore, she's gonna keep working to pay her studies. I think that as long as we like, want and can afford doing that nobody is too old to do so, I believe that as human we're curious and seek knowledge and bettering ourselves by nature, so go for it if you want

thank you! i agree with you. i think my hesitancy came from not wanting to attend an in-person campus because i would feel out of place around people a lot younger than me. but I've decided to finish my degree in online school & am gonna attend the spring or fall semester next year 100% online.

my desire to go back to school simply stems from wanting to make a living wage and do better for myself, because even though it's possible to find a decent job without a degree, and i know having a degree wont guarantee me an amazing job, it will at least open the door to jobs that pay higher wages. things are getting more and more expensive here in Florida and on sep. 30th my job that actually paid pretty well decided to let 1200+ employees go bc they were "downsizing" (aka: a lot of the jobs have been taken over by AI which just happens in the tech field now unfortunately 😔) and i am just REALLY struggling to find a job that pays more than $15-$18/hr without having any sort of degree. and unfortunately that money isn't going to cut it because i have bills to pay. i have the skills required for the higher paying jobs, but without that degree, a lot of them wont even consider me 🤪 so this has been a big realization that i need to do something now before i get to a point where i am in my 30s and still cant afford to live without a roommate. (not that there is anything wrong with that of course! i personally just really, really want to finally be able to live alone.)

im hoping if i can have a decent degree by the time i am 28 or 30, i will be able to make a better living for myself than i am now! ✨🩷

[sweetchaosbabe]

Hey so im the anon that was trying to manifest going to an rvent and also good exam resultss. Well its monday night noe and i didnt grt to go to that event and i also got horrible results. I wanted atleast like 80% but i dont think ill get even 60%..(the papers have been shown but we haven’t received report card.) anyways i rlly thought that i eoykd go to that event, i affirmrd so much ,did sats and also believed that i would go even at the last moments, i have no idea what went wrong . I also thought i would get good grades. Now im depressed, i had depended so many things on manifestation and without it ,i have so so many problems. Ive got board exams this year in 3 months and they are rrally really important i thought id manifest good grades but i dont know now.. i also may not be allowed to give them bcs i have low attendance (thought id manifest that problem away too) many teachers dont like me and so many of my assignments are incomplete idk what to do.my mind has also starting convincing me rhat my prrvious manifestations were just coincidences.Without being able to manifedt ,these problems away i wont be able to do anythng. Eithout manifestation,my life is awful

Hey babe, 💖 I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way, and I want you to know that it’s completely okay to feel frustrated and overwhelmed. First things first: don’t be too hard on yourself. Manifestation is a journey, and sometimes things don’t show up exactly how or when we expect them to, but that doesn’t mean it’s not working for you.

Here’s what I want you to consider:

1. You Didn’t Do Anything Wrong

Sometimes when we put too much pressure on the outcome or feel like we need something to happen, it creates resistance. This can slow down the manifestation or make it seem like things are falling apart. That doesn’t mean you’re not capable of manifesting—it just means you were probably focused more on the lack of it (even without realizing it). The good news? You can still turn this around. ✨

2. Start Fresh

Take a deep breath, and know that this situation doesn’t define your manifesting power. It’s easy to get caught up in the 3D results, but remember that the 3D is just a reflection of past thoughts. It doesn’t mean your future is set in stone. Start fresh today with the belief that things can still shift—you’re the creator, and you have the power to change your reality.

3. Rebuild Your Confidence

I know it feels like everything went wrong, but don’t let your mind convince you that past manifestations were coincidences. The law of assumption is always working, even when things don’t show up the way we want. Start affirming again: “Manifestation is easy for me,” “Everything always works out in my favor,” and “I trust myself and my power.” You can build your confidence back by focusing on small wins—start manifesting little things to remind yourself how powerful you are. 💫

4. Focus on the End, Not the Obstacles

When it comes to your exams, attendance, and assignments, start focusing on the end result—seeing yourself already having passed your board exams with great results, having everything completed, and being in a good place with your teachers. Instead of worrying about how it will happen, live in the end and affirm that it’s already taken care of.

For example:

“I pass my board exams with ease.”

“My assignments are all complete and accepted.”

“Everything with my teachers is resolved in my favor.”

Let go of the small details and trust that things will shift in your favor.

5. Don’t Give Up

You’re going through a tough moment right now, but that doesn’t mean you should give up on manifesting. If anything, this is the time to persist even more. Take it one step at a time, and don’t feel like you have to solve everything all at once. Focus on rebuilding your mindset and trusting the process. You have the power to turn things around—start small if you need to, but don’t give up on yourself or manifestation.

You’re not alone in this, and things can and will get better. Keep affirming, stay strong, and remember—you’ve got this, babe. 💖

Sending you so much love and support. You’ll get through this. 💫

xoxo, sweetchaosbabe🌟

[qqueenofhades]

Okay. So. I have a question about academia and completely understand if you’d rather set this one aside. It’s a bit of a long-winded one on my part.

I started a masters program abroad last fall but had to leave after the first term because of serious illness (compounded by homesickness and burnout of course of course). I’m so happy that I made that decision, despite it grating against everything I have been telling myself for years about what it takes to live a fulfilling life. In truth, my illness revealed that I’d thrown myself deeper into academia for the wrong reasons. I’m grateful to have that insight now.

However, I’ve also gained a lot of new insight now that I’ve been working a normal office job for several months now. It’s a good job, maybe a little too disorganized on the leadership side, but the pay is good and my supervisor is great.

But I’m also really missing my research and classroom discussions and academic library access. If I give grad school another try, I wont be filling out any apps until next winter. I definitely can recognize I need more time (plus I have an idea for a research paper that I’d love to use as a writing sample — my research interests shifted A LOT in the one semester I spent in school).

Of course, that’s also nerve-wracking, considering how poorly I handled grad school the first time around. In addition to that, there’s the frustration with how academia is treated both internally and externally, as well as the fact that the job market for professors is just.. not great.

All of this is to say, what would you tell a grad-school-dropout who’s thinking about making a comeback? Is it worth the money, the time, the job insecurity once the PhD is hanging on the wall?

Thanks so much for taking the time (and congrats on the new bed!!) <3

Welp. Hmm. As ever, I both deeply sympathize with your desire to return to academia and also want to stand on your shoulder as a little Kronk shoulder angel (and/or devil) going BUT ARE YOU SURE???

(Yes, as the most pathologically Eternal Academite possibly to ever, I have zero ability to tell anyone else not to do it, but just picture me as a Greek chorus of worms standing on the passage as your ship sails in, spookily singing BEEEEEEEEWARE.)

As you note, you have a reasonably fulfilling setup now, you're making decent-ish money (surely more than you would make as an academic, BUT LET US NOT TALK ABOUT THAT) and you crashed and burned the last time you tried grad school. Now, that is not a reason NOT to do it again, since as you point out, things have changed, you're in a better place, you know what you want out of the experience, you changed research interests, etc. All of that means that yes, it is possible that you can rejigger yourself and try again, but I would definitely advise taking it very carefully.

First of all, don't apply for a masters-to-PhD program directly, as that will put more pressure on you and lead to the feeling that you HAVE to finish it if you've applied for the terminal degree. Apply for a master's program in your new field, check out flexible or part-time options for attendance, see what the financial aid is like (I have by far the most student debt from my master's degree, not my BA or PhD, which is... not great) and everything else to see how you can best ease yourself back in and make sure that you haven't committed too much money, time, and irreversible changes if it all goes FUBAR again. Trust me, I KNOW that deep deep yearning for research, academic credentials, and library database logins; witness me singing to the heavens when I got this job and LO, ALL MY BELOVED ELECTRONIC JOURNALS RETURNED TO ME, I HAVE WANDERED IN THE DESERT. I'm researching a new book chapter now, 18 months-ish later, and I still get drunk with power over being able to JUST OPEN FULL TEXT PDFS and USE A UNIVERSITY LIBRARY TO ORDER OBSCURE ACADEMIC BOOKS. It really does just tickle some deep KNOWLIDGE!!! button in your brain, and I get it. I really very much do. So yes, if you still feel that itch despite all the Horrors of last time, it might be worth following up.

I would not recommend uprooting your entire life again to go somewhere else, unless you get a really gangbusters financial-aid offer and/or there's some compelling reason that makes it worthwhile. There may be a school nearer you that offers what you want and which may allow you to stay in your current place and work at your current job, even part-time. Or there might be an online option; plenty of reputable name-brand schools are expanding into online programs, so it's not just scammy diploma mills and the University of Phoenix in that arena. If you want to have the traditional campus in-person experience and don't feel as if a virtual degree is bang for your buck, that is something else to consider, but yes: do take it carefully, apply for only the master's first (as I have said before, if you can be happy doing anything other than a PhD especially in the humanities, please do that), see what your part-time options are, don't rush, reach out to faculty at some potential schools, reach out to the financial aid department, generally do your homework and make sure it feels right. I'm absolutely not going to say don't do it, since as noted that would make me a blazing hypocrite. Just take the hard-earned lessons of last time and put them to careful and thoughtful use, and I'm sure you'll discover what's best for you.

Good luck!

[kyriat-stories]

- I'm not sure if I can help Noor, but I will try. Of course Kyrios Sahphiris is retired now, but we can ask.

- So you think he might consider it, even if there was this "thing" with his daughter and my Teo?

- He is a very honorable person, and his daughter is now engaged elsewhere, so hopefully that wont influence him. I feel for young Lykrevia too, she hasn't had an easy life, so I will do my best to convince him.

- Thank you so much Figaleía. But now to some happier news. It's Areth. She has a good eye to the boy next door, and I was hoping you could help us with the formalities?

- That is good news indeed! Of course I will! Small private wedding? Or something more public?

- You will have to talk with the groom's parents as well of course, but if it is up to me: A big happy wedding party!

- Oh how exciting!

The preparations for the hearing dragged out. The king wanted to attend all the interviews with the council members himself, and not just anyone was selected. Only candidates who had both wealth and knowledge, and who had unassailable morals, were selected.

In the mean while Kyrios Sahphiris had accepted the assignment to represent Lykrevia. Already he had made sure that the conditions were more acceptable, and that Lykrevia, who was still breastfeeding, were able to keep her daughter with her.

One evening Amunet was passing by and she was not happy.

- Noor! You back-stabbing snake! What are you trying to do to me! Destroy my life?!

- Amunet, I'm not doing anything against you...

- But you are! You are helping Aranare's killer! I never believed this about you! How could you!

- Amunet calm down!

- Don't tell me to calm down! You are destroying my family! I can loose everything! Is it that h*re you took in that has poisoned your soul?

- Is it me you are referring to? Mpatíni shouted from the background. How dare you!

- Don't talk about my daughter-in-law like that!

- So you are on her side now are you! Her brother destroyed our family and now she will drag you down to the underground, mind my words!

- I think you should have a good look at your own behavior before you start pointing fingers.

- How could you betray me like this, Noor? I thought you were my friend!

- I am your friend, but I also have to do what I think is fair and just.

- I will never forgive you. NEVER! Πόρνη!

.

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[alexin-wonderlust]

Day 2 - Japan Blog - 8 February 2024

Disneyland

I promise this blog wont be as lengthy but I really wanted to share my tips about hot to get in to Japan; today we are off to Disneyland. Let's get it off the bat, first thing, straight to the good stuff. Starting the day with a Squeeze Squeeze (my favourite Orange Juice, it is the most pulpiest juice ever, it's like biting into an orange) we started the commute to Disneyland. 

Now; I wanted to get there early -- I didnt think ropedrop was necessary but apparently it was. I missed out on the Space Mountain priority pass AND the Enchanted Tales with Belle priority pass (the one you have to pay for...) I was actually blown away. The amount of planning I did; and that still wasnt enough to anticipate the crowd that was the day we attended. I managed to sweet talk one of the lovely Cast Members at Space Mountain and she gave me a Switch Rider Pass, arigato -- so I could come back and use that at a later time (just like a fast pass). Ben didnt want one because he isnt a "ride guy". Fair enough, but SPACE MOUNTAIN IS AMAZING -- if you are a ride guy and want to try something awesome, please give it a go. You wont regret. 

After being sad and chucking a tantrum about not being able to go on the ONE RIDE I SO BADLY WANTED TO RIDE... I was satiated with a cute pink Mickey beanie and Ben got the matching glasses (because Valentines Day is next week!!) and then we went on to Toontown to see the bits of the park we missed last time. 

This is my sixth visit to Tokyo Disneyland and while there have been some changes -- It's so nice to see it back to "normal" since COVID. When we visited in November 22, there was so much magic missing and there still is; ahem -- single riders line, paper maps... just to name a few. But there are also some good changes and the merch is back to being fun and cute. I really enjoyed shopping at Disneyland a lot more this time than I did in 2022. 

(Bring back single riders lines and paper maps because I need it!)

Ben got to go on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride which I have been raving about for years (it was closed for refurb last time) and we even got to have a beer before hand -- Since when can you drink beer in Disneyland!? This is new and I like it! Also, seeing snow (albeit dirty piles, I dont care!!) in the park is SO GOOD -- I had fun doing a squish!

For dinner, we settled on the Queen of Hearts Banquet which -- of course, was mediocre at best. But, I mean. Its a counter meal, it is easy, fun and the theming is cute. Although my phone battery was starting to deplete and the charge bank I brought with me turned out to be a pile of trash. 

Here's a TIP! If you are going to be spending the day out and about -- PLEASE CONSIDER BRINGING A FULLY CHARGED BATTERY BANK.

If you cant, there are some options; but Disneyland struggled to meet our needs and here's why.

-The charge spots are in Japanese. No issue, except I need my phone to translate and that drains battery.

-You need an APP to hire a battery bank. This is also in japanese and you cant translate it.

-You have to scan the QR code 3 or 4 times which means people are hanging around in the area, which is ANNOYING because therye in the way and you're stressing out because of the next point...

-It doesnt accept any other payment method except CREDIT CARD. Not debit card, not paypal linked to a credit card, not apple pay. It has to be "enter your CREDIT card details" to make a payment.

This was very frustrating because by the time I had located the charge spot; tried about 3 times; downloaded the app, created an account, tried to link my debit card, paypal, etc... my battery is now on 2%. EEP! 

HOW TO FIX; I went to the HOME STORE next to the American Waffle Co near the Main Street and they sell battery packs for approximately 2900YEN. Which was about $30AUD. This thing was amazing. It had enough charge to fill both ben and my phone to at least 60% and get us through until back to the hotel. Thank you Disney! :)

I wanted to keep this short so I will just say the next things in dot point form:

-Minnies Funderland promo is super cute but the girls hogged the picture spots and there were massive line ups for the special foods all day.

-Got some super cute pictures at Golden Hour at the castle. 

-Ben got his sherrif pin for winning the Shooting Gallery and getting 10 shots in a row!

-Rides we went on were Space Mountain, Star Tours, Pirates of the Caribbean

-The electrical parade is amazing but its TOO COLD -- the fireworks were bloody pitiful. Sorry, but they suck.

Then we start the long trek through the crowd back to the hotel (this is why I prefer to stay onsite when I go to Disneyland... its just easier for a hotel thats not much more expensive...!)

On the way back we found a supermarket and I stocked up on some "healthier" options; like a banana and I organised myself a bath and a face mask for my first relaxation, pamper session. One of my favourite things to do in Japan. While I was in the bath; Ben went to the 7/11 and they had an onigiri which has now plagued my brain -- pork and wasabi. I need more and I need them all.

[sequesteredschizo]

cw // suicidal ideation & self harm 

thought too much about where I should post these words @ and where to do it if I did

Decided on here, both to challenge myself to be honest about how I'm doing and as a small private testament to myself, esp considering I can't guarantee I'll remember any of this later if I don't 

A few months ago I decided I was supposed to kill myself on April 26th 2024. I think something about doing that nullified certain anxieties of mine at times, for better and for worse. I thought the worst thing I could do that would ruin everyone I cared about was already going to happen, so I was able to loosen my grip somewhat on the people-pleasing and the social anxiety and the agoraphobia- maybe a sort of subconscious 'if something doesn't change, i will be dying. So I might as well try while I'm still around.' I've been callous and I've been unstable, but I also took risks (or, actions I that felt like risks to me) that landed me with more life-affirming results than I could have ever anticipated.

I sent texts I thought were annoying and stupid to people I wished I talked to more, I tried to eat like a well-adjusted adult person, I was honest with my dad about how hellish my disability was making my life for the first time. Etc etc. Anything to connect, anything to survive. I didn't care anymore. it felt like the end of the world. To everyone else it probably seemed like I was finally re-entering society, if anyone thought much of it at all (unlikely, imo.) At one point, I hurt myself worse than I ever had before, and without really meaning to, haven't done it since. It feels now like a microcosm of the bigger picture, just by coincidence. Doing better wasn't necessarily my intention, but it was a consequence of thinking I was fucking it all up one last time. Might as well throw all the chips in.

Last weekend I attended a wedding out-of-state for a relative I hadn't seen in years knowing id meet countless new faces and I didn't even freak out. And I was terrified, and I didn't want to go there and I didn't want to stay here but I did it anyways. Turns out I don't think I've ever felt so loved and welcomed and appreciated in my life. The people I reached out to on a whim, because what was the worst that could happen? Some of them actually respond back, fucking shocker. My dad is trying to stop pretending I don't exist. I'm a little less malnourished. So those are all good developments.

I feel like I reached up into an empty sky with the very last dregs of energy I had and by some miracle, just enough of the universe reached back. I don't and didnt want to scar and endanger my struggling loved ones because I couldn't be strong enough to deal with myself. It had to be my last option, after truly trying everything I could. I didn't even do much, and I didn't expect it to work. I didn't expect my favorite band to be dropping new shit on my due date. I didn't know that I would really honestly from the bottom of my heart not want to leave this fucked up horrible beautiful tragic world behind. 

I know there's always going to be a part of me that expects me to commit. it's always been easier for me to hurt myself than help myself. I've written a lot of suicide notes throughout my life. This is the first time I've ever done the opposite, I guess? This is supposed to be my promise to me that I want to live. I need to. Its really hard to admit that to myself. I'm pretty sure I can do it tho.

I think (and almost hope) that the handful of you who follow this stupid little blog wont read this, but I posted it here because theres too many people everywhere else. It's directed at myself anyway.

a distant yell into a cacophonous void, in hopes that typing it will act as a metaphysical vehicle for manifesting it in the collective subconscious:

TRANS PEOPLE DONT KILL YOURSELF!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[catsconflictscopicsandchamomile]

gods sometimes I hate that I can't think about Palestine, about everything going on in the world, 24/7.

I ask myself "well why not? why not just think about that stuff and school and chores? why does fUCKING FANDOM and special interests eat your life and personality like this? don't you have any empathy?"

and I know the answer. I know its because there have been MANY times in my life where I've taken my own advice and tried to think about "the issues" 24/7. I became a total asshole. angry, stupid, often self-destructive. I didn't make any change or contribution besides starting fights with strangers online, and any effort I DID make to contribute irl just led to so many messes that the people who were actually helping then had to step aside and clean up.

the times I'm most capable of help are when I'm able to keep a balance between awareness of the problems in the world, with other stuff (both fandom and just like... homework n shit). it feels SO wrong and SO un-natural to actively prioritize fandom, but I've tried the "right" way so much and been such a dick and done a good bit of harm.

and I've tried the "wrong" way this past year and done more good/participated more than ever.

results speak for themselves.

and ik everyone does activism differently.

I'm obviously not gonna break any boycotts, holy shit no. I'm still attending protests and making posters/art for local activist movements and doing what I can when I can.

its just so tempting to put 99.99999% of myself into REALLY feeling that grief and rage and helplessness... but again. I know, yknow?

I know how that ends. I may feel righteous and empathetic and, honestly, Cool(tm), but I'm not doing shit for anyone

if mainlining destiel into my brainstem lets me show up for protests and make art and do all of that while NOT being a total bag of dicks...

ugh. it just feels fucking weird

(& yes, I did try the "really feel it, no self-anesthetizing with fandom and no distancing myself from it on purpose" approach as recently as this fall. after physically forcing myself to not send threats to kill strangers' pets, exposing my unmasked face to cameras while chalking a govt building, being kinda socially inappropriate and considering vandalism, i realized that it does in fact still make me an asshole.)

like I feel guilty about purposefully distancing myself for these issues, but also simultaneously understand from past experience that this is the best way for me to make actual, meaningful contributions. its weird.

if i go full-in on Understanding(tm) it, I FEEL morally/spiritually superior, and sure, it MIGHT make me a better activist, but years of experience tell me that, despite how I'm perceiving myself in that moment, it wont.

if I keep distancing myself, ie LITERALLY PURPOSEFULLY seeking out fandom/yt brainrot/Shiny Happy Things to AVOID thinking about it, I do more. I'm involved more, go to more protests, meetings, talk to friends about it.

...that is the reverse of how those things should work.

I think this may be the same kind of reason I don't do existentialism or organized religion. there are some things, really deep or emotional things, that if I think abt them too hard I get stuck EXTREMELY far up my own ass in how I can "only" think of these things or else I'm "awful"

but that's it. its all just thinking. and feeling. and not acting.

...I guess I'll go back to obsessing over my little shows and ships, making actual contributions to anti-genocide, anti-colonialism, pro-palestine efforts

and wondering why the FUCK I'm like this.

...also ok tbh my desire for some kind of moral or spiritual depth/fulfillment/righteousness/forgiveness???? via immersing myself in the experience of VICTIMS OF ONGOING GENOCIDE to try to understand their experience is uhhh

creepy.

especially given that its at the direct detriment of my actual activism and to the emotional harm of peers and fellow activists.

yeah hm actually that is just kind of creepy. and not helpful.

[metfell]

ok so my input was not asked for but i am jewish and was raised observing and i can't stress enough that the first place you should be looking to reconnect to your heritage is in your local jewish community!!! community is one of if not the most important core value in judaism, and synagogues tend to welcome people like you with VERY open arms, since you are considered just as jewish as anyone else by birth right! see if there are any near you that have open shabbat or holiday services, and try attending one and talking to the rabbi or to other people working there about wanting to learn and connect more. not only is that a much more welcoming and less intimidating place to start than the internet, but they'll also be able to point you towards the best resources to use to learn!!! a lot even offer lessons, depending on how big an organisation they are, and even more have libraries that you can look at! best of luck :D (also i know social anxiety is a big thing so that might sound scary but jewish communities and especially rabbis are generally very friendly, i promise you wont face any judgement or animosity for wanting to learn!)

this is really good advice thank you!! unfortunately im not really in a place right now where im able to go to a synagogue, but hopefully if i can get my drivers license this year ill be able to actually drive to one :D right now though my family is incredibly protective of me and would probably be upset if i did.

but i definitely want to spend this year learning more because ive been dying to for sooooo long

thanks guys for being so helpful i appreciate it a lot <3

[idealspawn]

i really wanted to see this one movie that my friend invited me to see but my body dysmorphia fucked everything up again. although im comfortable with her and she literally has been the only friend ive seen for months she also without asking involved one of my other friends into the plan and i found out just now through the other friend although we had the plan that its just the two of us for so long already. its not that i have ANYTHING against that friend, she is one of my closest friends but my body dysmorphia is really triggered around her. this isnt the first time she does this and every single time i just havent showed up when i found out last minute that she added more ppl to our plans that im not comfortable with. i dont blame her because people who dont have body dysmorphia just inherently arent able to understand that it isnt just like a cute little insecurity but i literally have severe anxiety because of it and isolate myself. i just told her that ill dip out and tell my other friend that i forgot to tell im actually busy because i dont want her to think i dont want to hang out w her because the issue isnt her as a person its my fucking body dysmorphia but now im sad because i really really wanted to go see that movie and there wont be any more screenings, its a special film festival. its just sad because she knows i have body dysmorphia and i dont want to see other people but she still fails to think abt it and consider it when we have plans. im sad, i really wanted to see my friend too but i cant go if it isnt just her because im just not comfortable with seeing ppl right now. i barely have even attended any of my lectures just bc i dont want people to see me, like its debilitating. this is the one time i wish i didnt know anyone or have any friends in this city or my class like last year because i just cant deal w the pressure of interacting or going anywhere when i look like this. i told her its ok but its not. im crying and my face and eyes are stinging so bad because of the dryness. her saying i made her feel bad now only guilt tripped me too because i feel like an inconvenience and a burden. i know it sounds small but it isnt because its the only time i wouldve left my house this week so i dont go fully insane. i can only do certain things w certain people and on certain days so that i doesnt trigger my anxiety that much.

[moomoomooing]

what if i punched my parental unit

i wont but holy shit

rant ahead sorry

many frustrations rn and im basically backed into a corner by them to attend this one college even tho one of my conditions for attending was being able to go with my friend (they didnt get into the department they applied for)

fuck knows if my friend will want talk abt it anytime soon cause its smth we were banking on which leaves me with fucking nothing and a parent on my ass refusing to let me consider the other options they had nothing to say abt when i was actually applying

THE WORST THING IS THEYRE TELLING ME HOW SHITTY ALL THE COLLEGES I APPLIED TO EXCEPT ONE SPECIFIC ONE ONCE I GOT ACCEPTED INTO THOSE COLLEGES AND NOT WHILE I WAS APPLYING

so i have little to no fucking options and constant pressure now

[uh-velkommen]

My fucking school never received (actually never opened because i have proof that i sent-) my transcripts so now I have to go through this drawn out process of repurchasing it (which is gonna be difficult in its own way) so that they can finally consider me an actual attending student and pay off my tuition with my loan money of which they can then return the left overs to me (another possible hurdle of them needing to send it to a swedish bank account which I dont have yet because i need to get a swedish identity numbe first) so that I can pay my rent and if I don't get it in time I wont be able to apply for a housing allowance because I CANT GET a Swedish identity number because when I went to apply to get one, the migration agency said that my residence card was actually wrong and listed that I was only going to be in the country for one year (instead of two) and it was made worse at the fact that I was in that office two days past the date on the card which meant I was legally documented as being in the country for two days less than one year (363 days!!!!!) BUT I was only at the office on that day because (despite being in the country for threeish weeks already) I had to wait for the residence card to actually come in the mail in order to be able to apply for the swedish identity number!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm screaming inside I'm quiting I hate it here I hate this shit