#but i do want it to be known that im aware of it and these ppl gotta stop
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guys i’m really bad at writing actual fics so im gonna start posting snippets from fics i have concepts of plans for but go like this “👁️👄👁️” when i try to actually write them so HERES THE FIRST ONE LMAO (payneland, post get together, the monty talk tm - talk of consent and lack thereof, jealous charles rowland)
edwin took a deep breath, steeling himself for what he was about to say. he pressed his fists against one another, lifting his head up to look at his lover who had his legs splayed out in front of himself on their couch. edwin cleared his throat once. “charles, i did- i think it may be wise to delve into my prior feelings about… monty,” he said, treading cautiously. he knew how quickly the mere mention of that name riled his boyfriend up.
“you don’t have to. y’know, if you don’t want to,” charles answered far too quickly, trying for nonchalance, but edwin caught how his shoulders squared off and his fingers tensed. edwin knew that he didn’t want to hear it, but he just wanted to be honest with his boyfriend.
“i’d like to tell you, if you’d let me, my dove,” he said, layering a thick layer of saccharine onto the term of endearment and walked over to the couch. charles was much more amenable to listening to him when he brought out the old-fashioned pet names.
a warm smile broke out onto charles’ face, eyes wrinkled and adoring. he held his hands out, silently asking to be closer to his lover. when edwin sat down beside him, he hauled him up into his lap, sighing at how nicely they fit together. “go on then, love,” charles said, stroking up and down edwin’s arm. charles was purposeful in the way he held him, making it so that his back would be flush up against charles’ chest. not only was it nice to bury his face in his hair, but he wouldn’t be able to see the inevitable frustration on his face when he began regaling tales of monty.
edwin tried to relax into the touch, but it was still something they were working on, the slackening of his rigid posture. the evident discomfort both boys had about the topic certainly didn’t help in this. his head fell to charles’ shoulder in a matter of moments before he readied himself to speak.
“do you remember how he and i went on that walk? after the case of the two dead dragons?” edwin asked.
“mmm,” charles hummed in verification. his jaw was already clenched and edwin hadn’t even said much of anything yet.
“well, we ended up at this children’s park and we sat on the swings and i had told him that we should stop seeing each other,” edwin explained easily, as if it wasn’t even a big deal. seeing each other? charles hadn’t known they were ever officially a thing. edwin was still his best friend then, why hadn’t he told him? he restrained from huffing and let edwin continue without interruption, keeping his hands busy by stroking his thumbs up and down edwin’s sleeves.
“i told him about my…” edwin trailed off for a moment, inhaling the nonexistent scent that would lie on charles’ shoulder. the tension released from his body ever so slightly, and his voice was a bit quieter when he spoke again. “feelings. i told him how much they scared me,” he confessed.
the frustration washed away from charles with edwin’s soft-spoken words, leaving compassion for his lover in their wake. he hated hearing that edwin was scared and that he couldn’t protect him. maybe it was foolish as it was already in the past, but it mattered to him.
“but it seems he misinterpreted me and he… kissed me,” edwin says and oh, charles could seemingly feel the heat rising once more. it seemed he could be angry! what a development!
“oh. cool. was it- was it good?” charles asked, heat creeping into his voice. he had tried to hide it, but somehow, the jealousy festered even though he knew that it was him with the boy on his lap and not that crow’s.
“my love, i know i do not have to tell you that needn’t be jealous. i truly only have eyes for you, and i know you are aware of that,” edwin cooed and he used his power over charles like a weapon. he shifted his body so that he could cup charles’ face with one hand, pressing their lips together. “i adore you, charles. not him.”
he was ever too convincing and he knew it.
“yeah, i know,” charles said, trying for a bit less of a sopping puddle than what came out.
“good,” edwin smiled still, lips curling up beautifully. he pressed another kiss to the tip of charles’ nose this time before continuing. “i did not like it, or dislike it, really. i had liked him, at one point, but it was never- it could never possibly be in any way comparable with my affinity for you. it had taken me by surprise, of course, as that was decidedly not my intention in telling him that we should stop seeing each other, but i do not fault him. i know my wording is difficult to understand, on occasion. i’m not angry with him. not for that, at least. it still rather hurts that he betrayed us,” edwin said, his voice smaller toward the end.
“wait, you mean- you were trying to reject him and he kissed you?” charles asked, panic and anger rising and flowing into one another, his core fiery. not only had this birdbrain kissed his boyfriend, but he hadn’t even consented? had edwin not been firmly on his lap, he’d’ve been all the way back in port townsend now. he may not be good at mirror travel, but the pure, unbridled rage festering within him blinded him to that fact.
“yes, but, listen to me, my love,” edwin said, a small amount of panic in his voice. “he hadn’t done so on purpose. he thought i had meant that i was afraid of making it real. he didn’t simply kiss me because i was trying to reject him,” edwin tried to amend, but charles could hardly hear it over the blood rushing in his ears.
“bloody git. i’ll pluck all his feathers out,” charles said, now unable to hide his anger and frustration. his fingers tensed as he gripped edwin’s waist, fingers digging into his sides. edwin let out a small gasp.
“charles, he helped me uncover my feelings for you,” edwin said finally, a plea in his voice.
charles stopped at that, considering it. had it not been for that cunt, edwin would probably never have figured out his feelings for him? he didn’t forgive him, not by any means, but he did know just what to say to get edwin to laugh.
he let the tension seep out of his own body, forcing himself to relax. “oh. i’ll send him a fruit basket,” charles said plainly, masking any frustration that remained. he was still upset about it, but he was okay enough for him stop worrying about it while edwin was with him. he’d figure out the rest on his own time.
a laugh bubbled up, escaping edwin’s lips. “he’s still in crow form, i believe,” he said, turning to charles with a smile.
charles captured his lips in a chaste kiss, “then i’ll send him a seed basket,” he said against his lips. edwin wrapped his arms around his neck and charles couldn’t find it in himself to care any more at that moment. not with the loveliest boy in the world on his lap. kissing him. (and if the sense of possessiveness that edwin returned through their kiss added to a very different sort of heat in his core, that was no one’s business but charles’. and maybe edwin’s. definitely edwin’s.)
#ficlet#payneland#dead boy detectives#dbda#save dead boy detectives#renew dead boy detectives#revive dead boy detectives#save dbda#we will save this show#savedeadboydetectives#edwin payne#charles rowland#monty finch#jealous charles rowland#charles finds out about monty#he is NOT happy#edwin kisses it out of him
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if you support the insanity going on with this whole hitlist of ppl to harass and dox over proshipping/associating with them or whatever gtfo. its not cool
#utmv#utmv fandom#if u condone anything like that pls block me#thankfully im not involved#but i do want it to be known that im aware of it and these ppl gotta stop#online harassment isnt a slay
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im going into my new work tomorrow, first time ever😐
#i was supposed to go in yesterday but um#so basically i did whatever training i was never even aware existed on a platform i was never told of#which has progress for every lil step i do so my manager literally could see i hadnt even logged on n couldve warned me any time#but never did 4 some reason. like even a days notice like heyyy have u gotta blah done n not as im abt to exit to work#BUT ANYWAYS so i tell her i got it done n shes like awesome i make new schedule (since she said we have 2 completely rid the old one#i dont get an update until 4 days later. all she did was add THREE training days (im supposed to have 6 cus it's a hard job)#on TOP of my old schedule. so i have 3 days i know are training days and then a solo day bcs that solo day was going off my old schedule#so it's like. which days do i go on then. bcs u said i cant come in at all bcs we'll have to make a completely new schedule#and then the new schedule is just. 3 added days. on top of my old one#sunday i was scheduled for training & there was No trainer scheduled with me. it was just me#sunday wasnt one of the 3 new days added. it was from the old schedule she literally told me to ignore#n then all a sudden today i get an email from someone who was supposed to be training me (name not even on the schedule tho)#n shes like hey im in the building are u lost or smthing :)?' mind u im asleep . so she probably thot she was wasting her time for a good hr#i emailed her an apology n an explanation but UGH r u fucking serious?? IF I KNEW THAT WAS A (NEW) TRAINING DAY I WOULDVE WENT#I JUST WANT TO GET USED TO THIS NEW THING & IT'S JUST GETTING FUCKED LIKE I DONT EVEN HAVE A BADGE YET BRO#like i was suspicious of going in sunday bcs it wouldve lined up nicely with the 3 added training days#but manager TOLD me she was adding a whole new training schedule! i double check n all she added were THREE days! thats it!#how was *i* supposed to know sunday was supposed to be 1 of those days when ive been staying at home ignoring the schedule u said 2#BCS U SAID 2. AND ALSO. THERE WAS NO TRAINER ON THE SCHEDULE.#even tho the drive is far. i wouldve driven up there today to see if i could shadow if i had known there was someone to shadow there#bcs even if i was wrong abt the day 2 come in at least i wouldnt waste my time but i didnt even know if there was someone there with a#trainer title. so i just missed a day i didnt even know i rlly had. FOR NOTHING. UGHH. I FEEL SO STUPID. I HATE MISCOMMUNICATION#im so scared of coming in now. sverybodys gonna think im dum n what if i have issues training then theyre gonna be like#we spent all this time on bro n he had all this time 2 prepare n he still sucks like damn we should just give up#i would 2 but i hate not seeing things to completion so. ugh. hate it here. idk what 2 say. EMBARRASSING#i hate miscommunications i hate feeling stupid
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MY BEAUTIFUL BOY WHO I WOULD DESTROY THE WORLD FOR
#WHEN TF DID HTEY FINISH MAKING AND COLROING HIS NENDO WHAT THE FUCK#WHERE DO I ORDER IT#WHERE IS#WHERE IS HTE LINK#I CANT FIND IT ANYWHERE#I FOUND BREAKS BUT ITS OFF HTE JP WEBSITE#WHERE HTE FUCK IS MY OZ LINK WHERE I WANT IT SO BA DPLEASE#LOOK AT HIMMMMMM LOOK AT HIS LITTEL SMILE WHHHSHWHWHWHWHWHWHWW#IM GONNA CRY HES SO HAPPYYYYY#MY BABY BOY MY EVERYTHING MY PRIDE AND JOY#avil speaks#pandora hearts#oz vessalius#IF ANYONE KNOWS WHERE I CAN GET IT#PLEASE#I AM BEGGING ON MY HANDS AND KNEES I WANT HIM SO BAD#YES IM AWARE I HAVE AN OZ PLUSH ALREADY#BUT I MUST ALSO ATTAIN THE OZ NENDO.... HE IS EVERYTHING TO ME#this boy turned my life around i you dont understand....#another Essential you must know about this blog#i love this character his name is oz vessalius and he is from a manga known as pandora hearts :)#Unfortunately i also grew up to be like him LASKDJFALSKJH
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unsure how to word this but there is something about having ocs with unsavory events happening in their past where it's like. talking about it, even when asked, seems almost gratuitous and inappropriate. and i'd much rather describe it through the oc themself and/or draw Them saying it. which is like. fitting for the subject matter? like of course its weird to talk about somebody else's business...!
and falls back into humanizing em/exploratory writing and development where u consider the impact of words said/words unsaid/HOW those words are said etc etc
#because not all real persons would give u every detail of their trauma obviously#which makes sense but im an overexplainer but also it feels inappropriate to overexplain when it comes to dis#i hope that makes sense#talkys#i once described what went down with al as just directly as possible and it still felt weird. ykwim?? idk why.#well i do know why! i dont want it to seem gratuitous or like That Cheap Writing Element. fine line#same with talon so he'll just keep implying it thru text + dialogue which is how it should be !#the only difference is i think with al i wrote it like he would've said it bc he has more access to that side of himself#and is aware of how it affected him#whereas characterwise talon absolutely would just speak in riddles about and around it#i don't even think he's conscious about the direct effects of it#(but i wouldnt know bc he hasn't made that known to me in my brain)#people respond differently to different things and all that#also im so sorry if half the shit ive said recently is so like. Well Duh. i havent made a new oc in a decade gimme a break LOL#also i realize the. irony? of me even vaguely talking about it in the way i did but 1. i think that's also realistic when you#dont want to do a whole deep dive on someone else's business and 2. people are becoming#curious about my oc(s) and im just thinking about well; significant events and how to handle not speaking about em#FOR them. <- weirdly#idk. they're real to me.#its just so much more interesting to leave it up to them! people can lie people can downplay
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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i hate my face it needs to be softer and i hate my body it needs to be sharper
#there is nothing in the world i wished i had more than a smaller/rounder nose#why is that thang genuinely V#<#>#^#every direction sniffin#i want to bury my face in things and not impale them#i hate the way it looks when i smile#somehow it gets even bigger#and more downturned#and my body well . at least thats easier 2 change#im so hyper aware of how much i weigh i hate the number being known it makes me want to cry i feel too exposed#its like it being a secret keeps me safe#even though everyone can see my body anyway#if i just have that then im safe no one can hurt me#what if the number makes them see me differently#what if it changes the way i look in their eyes like it does in mine#what if the dysmorphia streaks out past just me#i know its stupid n realistically it doesnt matter at all but i am so Scared i am terrified#i hate my ed i hate everything it holds over me all the time everyday#every time i look at myself im different#n im worse#and no matter how much i suffer its never happy#im so sick rn im in pain but all i can think about is at least im not eating at least its stopping me from eating#i just want to be different i want to be anything else#i feel like im always going 2 be stuck as the grossest thing in the world#ill never get the chance to look at myself n see anything but that#i want to be better. i do. i want to just move on#im so tired. but im So awful looking. & everyone has always made sure i know it. made sure im lesser and i am#ive never had a real friend. theyve always hated me n kept be barely around because they feel bad for me. n just told me how bad i looked
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saw a tiktok that was like. Daily Affirmations: my work crush doesn’t like me. and now i’m like wow i wish i could send this directly to all of my new high schooler coworkers. who are all really annoyingly obsessed with our one male manager because he’s The Chill Manager. you may have seen me refer to this man before (it’s different when EYE love him because we are the same age. the high schoolers being obsessed with him is weird as hell and he DOES need to stop encouraging this) back in winterspring i was doing a lot of opening shifts with him and i was joking that we had the king and lionheart dynamic. which was real at the time but not so much the vibe now just because like. the vibe has shifted idk i work different shifts there’s different other managers i’m technically promoted there’s all these new people i don’t care about. the vibe is different. anyway. don’t care for these high schoolers and their obsession with him. especially because they’re like actual assholes sometimes to my friend managers… (they used to just work here and then two managers left and they got promoted) (i also technically got promoted at the same time but they rank above me and do more shit that i don’t want to do so like. obviously i’m not bitter or jealous about it. like if i had to manage a bunch of teenagers that didn’t respect me i might cry every single day) (which is happening to one of them fr. they’re literally such assholes to her sometimes it’s crazy like she’s not even as mean to you people as she should be…) not to side with like. The Man or whatever but unfortunately i’m not a teenager with a part time job i go to when i don’t have soccer practice so i cannot relate to the proletariat in this situation… like i knowww they’re seeing my girl as Bitch Manager and it’s making me hate them soooo bad. like you idiots can’t even fold jeans correctly!! i hate you!!!!
#literally the past three nights i’ve been working overnight with just the 2 friend managers and we’ve been having major bitch sessions#about these high schoolers…. sorry if this makes us bitches!!#maybe if more than 4 of them were literally any good at all at any part of their job we’d hate them less idk…..#like. if they sucked less it would mean i’d have to do less work. like girls work with me here im sick of covering your asses…..#can’t even put things back where they’re supposed to go correctly…#like why am i finding clearly marked clearance jeans mixed in the stack of full price ones…. stop pissing me offfffff omg#sorry again. but the next idiot teenager who asks me where something goes and i look at it and it’s clearly marked as clearance is going to#make me lose my mind for real. yes i do need a different job i know that im aware of this#the problem THERE is that all jobs look awful to me <3#and there’s genuinely nothing on earth i care enough about to make it a career!#i genuinely need to become a trophy wife and stay at home mom. like there’s no careers for me i fear#i don’t mean that in a ‘submitting to the patriarchy’ way i mean it in a ‘the only thing i’ve consistently known i want in my future for my#entire life has been kids’ way#anyway. having a job where you’re the fifth most in charge person there and third on an average day. makes you evil fr
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getting gender envy from someone My Own Gender really is an experience
#guys do NOT become aware of the fact you're not cis like dont do it ever this is NOT FOR THE WEAK#I AM THE WEAK.#im gonna die im like what the fuck#charli xcx is literally a woman why am i going 'god i wish i was a woman' I AM A WOMAN#i get it tho its like#the desire to want to be a woman does that make sense#god i need a sideblog#radiohead save me#theyre one of about 2 bands that makes actually good sad music like dont whip out the fucking#julien baker or something im sorry I hate her#when yiurw saying 'oh this is so sad' like im looking for MUSIC not just someone going 'i wanna kill myself' over an acoustic guitar getting#strummed in the most pathetic BORING way known to man like jesus fucking christ can we.make MUSIC a thing again omfggg#blah blah!#not 75 stuff
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I can't talk about how seriously distraught I am daily abt the state of Current Global Affairs, but i do have one question -- these dozens of stories about standing up to an oppressive controlling regime, with a protagonist leading the oppressed class... did everyone read them with their fingers in their ears and their head up their ass. you don't think the fucking Sith Empire or whatever the hell was declaring that Luke was a terrorist aiming to destroy the santicity of life under Our Wonderful Empire? you don't think fucking, what, katniss, was seen as a Cruel Usurper to snow? are you all genuinely fucking stupid or just so overwhelmingly self absorbed that media literacy is lost because these kinds of stories have been in the mainstream since for fucking ever if I hear one more word about these diabolical Palestinian babies repeating the same nonsense anti middle eastern rhetoric I'm gonna go mad
#look this is as much of a vague polite middle ground thing i can say#mostly bc anything i do want to say seriously would become controversial and depressing#But also. im not american im not rich im not jewish or evangelical WHY AM I HAVING TO WITNESS CORPSES OF MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS#i cant handle it! i will be honest! and i shouldnt have to! this shouldnt be happening!#and those who are responsible sleep well every night without a hint of guilt. fuck those patients; right?#westerners have considered us subhuman for fucking everrrr but seeing it laid out so clearly over the past year has been agonising#anyways#re: previous tags i made a thoughtless error by equating being Jewish to being israeli and i apologize for that i just meant like. im not in#the category of people who need awareness abt this like Muslims have known abt it since the 1940s djdhdkd
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You know. I'm part of the fraction "to each their own and let people handle their lives however they see best fit". But I do feel the need to say that I have seldom seen such an idiotic assumption as that breaking up with someone four days before someone's birthday when you also want that someone to do something for their birthday even though you know you and your soon-to-be-ex will both have to be there won't end with that person just not doing anything with anyone for their birthday. Partially because nobody wants that kind of awkwardness after a fresh breakup and also because the soon-to-be-ex has the lovely habit of wallowing in self pity and making everything about how they have it so bad. You know I just think in such cases you should've waited a week with the breakup. I don't care how much you want to fuck that other guy but I really think you should've waited a week.
#delete later#sigh why always me...#can't somdone else get the complicated people for once#annoying#the soon-to-be-ex complained today in the group chat that nobody wouod ever go to a pub with him#when that is literally not the case#we would all go? he just never asked? and anytime someone else wants to go party or jusz out 90% of the time the answer is no?#I've known that guy for 13 years now and somehow it just does not get easier#like? anytime someone else asks him it's always “no i don't want to” but then you complain about how nobody would want to do anything#the call coming from inside the house is all I'm saying#'' oh but I couldn't go anyways I wouldn't fit“ ''why? nobody cares about random strangers thats usually not how people work''#'' thats not true'' ''they literally don't care though.'' ''not when that person looks 13'' ''yeah no they still literally wouldn't care''#''they would'' ''they wouldn't. people never do. why would they make an exception for you?'' and then no answer to that#because you can't argue against that anymore without having to confront the fact you're wrong#but then I'm getting told im not empathetic enough#i know i lack empathy I'm aware but I do make an attempt for serious situations. i just don't think stuff like that is serious.#especially when i once mentioend i think my father thinks I'll end up living off of state wellfare and become a disappointment#and the only reply to that was ''how did he arrive at that really likely assumption?'' my brother in christ do not complain to me about lack#of empathy I'm not the one telling people their fears of becoming the family disappointment are well founded and realistic#I'm not even going to excuse that through some ''oh autism'' stuff like no thats just tactless and mean#or all the condescending comments whenever i go out to ''party''#it's just drinking with some people i know it's not really partying#but I'm not the one looking down on people for experiencing stuff#contrary to popular assumption I'm actually really cool and i know that. that's why people ask me to do stuff with them.#because i don't say no 99% of the time and then complain that nobody would ever want to do something with me when that's just plain wrong#i also totally get why she wants to break up#how do you actively refuse to meet your partners friends for half a year and expect that to not become an issue.#how do you actively say you're not interested in doing anything for your partner and expect that to last#how do you whine about being a bad partner but never attempt to do better#i wish i could defend him here but i can't that dude is a horrible boyfriend
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Constantly thinking abour karen wheeler btw but in a way that makes everyone here super madsies
#my problem is that when ppl say they like their female characters problematic they mean#'i want them to have flaws that i can blame on the nearest male character' and tbh thatd so boring and also. pretty infantilizing?#tbh to the point where its like do you guys even get karens character or. anyways.#like So Many Thoughts#like shes either the narc emotionally abusive mother or a victimized angel 🥺🥺🥺 neither of which is true btw#im so pretentious i like to think that i get where karen fits in the fabric of st's themes#i think positioning her as a 'freak' kind of defeats that? bc karen to me always seemed like the opposite#shes attrative skinny formerly a cheerleader charismatic white and suburban. shes literally a white boomer named karen.#all of that is complicated by the fact that shes also a woman who was raised in the veryyy conservativ era of the 50s#shes very much someone who is smart but also follows the tides and only really rebels when its the popular counter culture to do#like her at the pool in s3 with all her other housewife friends#and its like so easy to get what ppl say about her mothering skills but it often gets pushed into very black and white discourse#like karen obviously cares about her kids but its a case of actions mattering more than words and performance#like karen will TELL mike that she wants him to talk to her and shell hug him when shes supposed to (performance) but when mike had symptoms#of ptsd? karen punishes him. but also ptsd was not super well known back then#but what im saying is that karen PERFORMS but is she actually a safe person to go to? i think thats what her arc is about#like thats why the mikekaren hug at the end of s4 was important bc not only does she hug him hut she also makes it clear she doesnt want to#lose him#its that reassurance after a traumatizing event from a parent that kids and teens need!#i think karen does what she thinks she is supposed to do but also i think shes the typical white boomer who lacks a lot of self awareness#in how she treats ppl#doesnt make her a bad person. honestly i think shes a good person#i think when all characters are humanized and flawed what separates a good person from a bad person in st#is whether they like to inflict pain (like brenner) or if theyre just a flawed human beings (good but nuanced)#girl whos been thinking abt karen all day <- me
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hang on are cougars like panthers
#'the cougar also known as the panther' SCREAM#dont mind me rewatching carmilla as a side effect of my newfound interest in vampires#you'd think it was renewed interest in vampires but no#i actually have never been all that interested in vampires as their own thing i was just gay#and i dont think carmilla really explored the concept itself#like A* in using the medium. D or whatever in exploring their subject matter#actually tbf their subject matter was lesbianism so. again probably an A. they knew what they wanted and they did it well#idk how letter grades work tbh#also not actually sure how much they got into the vampire thing which is why im rewatching to check#bc i was reading iwtv and i was like damn carmilla left stuff on the table#but i also think a lot went over my head#even just english wise im a little stunned at how much i didnt catch. like i was fluent in 2015 for sure but. you do keep learning words#also carmilla is like a popculture remix and i dont have a lot of popculture knowledge so a lot of that went over my head too#now i have just enough to know that im missing a lot#like theres a line in s1 where laura goes 'im living with a vampire. an honest to lestat vampire' and like. never caught that#bc i didnt know how the fuck that was fhkjghgh#but anyway im watching s2 and laura's like 'vampire seductress here is just crabby bc im not falling for her 17th century idea of game'#and like they keep calling armand Ancient right? but carmilla is not much younger#just the difference in framing is what made me start thinking abt it all#like carmilla is 400smth and laura is aware abt that to joke abt it and probably thinks it's a little hot but then you think abt how they#depict that kinda age with armand like what he says to madeleine. 'how do you go on when everything from your era is gone'#and sure carmilla has that loneliness but DAMN. like fuck. shes been doing this same trick. being like the abigail hobbs to the dean for#centuries? i mean there was that century or idk how long where she was buried alive or whatever. but THAT TOO#like damn fuck!!!!!!!!!! ive been going through the fanfic again this week and like there really isnt much#at least doesnt seem to be much that explores this. unless it's in all the aus bc i filtered those out (and still got them)#also interesting difference is if i remember correctly the hollstein happy ending is that carmilla becomes human#in iwtv of course like every important relationship is between vampires. and every lover turns vampire. and every vampire is a lover#sorta. bc abuse themes and stuff. so the inversion makes sense but wouldnt it have been kinda cool if she turned laura tho#anyway. can you believe they were like 'well shes a cougar thats her job and also her supernatural power' dhfkhjgkh as i said: A*
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My mum just told me to go back to tumblr and keep talking because its keeping me quiet....my dear Jewish mother I hate to break it to you but I am on this app talking about how I love Jesus...Im sorry
#im well aware being Christian is like a privilege in this society or whatev#but being raised in a Jewish family and becoming Christian kinda sucks#shes so disappointed in me :(#like I cant help what i believe but also fuck i wish I could just stick with my families beliefs#my family fought to be Jewish and im like nah lemme join the oppressors#my saftas family didnt die for this :/#im not trying to victimise my Christian ass btw#ik im the one chosing this it just sucks to see my mum cry about it#like she fullly cried and asked what she did wrong when i said i want to convert to Christianity#[me coming out to her as gay] her: oh this is chill same#[me saying Im Christian] her: nooooo my baby what did i do wrong 😭#i love my mum so much#shes great#/srs#i feel bad...#shell get used to it but ill mostly just shut up about it#born and raised Christians wont get this#they were raised priveleged and their family will never be hurt by them being Christian#i was raised a minority and abandoned my culture for the opressors religion#fellow converts (of any faiths) pls make yourself known#uhhhh#ok#rant done#religion#jewish#chrisitian#convert
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"Since when do you care about social contracts?"
SINCE FOREVER MOTHER FUCKER YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE SPIDER WEB OF SHIT I PUT MYSELF IN IM DEEPLY AWARE OF WHATS EXPECTED OF ME I JUST IGNORE IT
#from the pit in the backyard#YEAH I MISS SOCIAL CLUES SOMETIMES AND I DONT CARE TOO FOLLOW MOST SOCIAL RULES#BUT YOU THINK IM NOT DEEPLY AWARE OF HIERARCHY??? YOU THINK IM NOT AWARE WHEN YOU START TRYING TO USE ME????#YOU THINK IM NOT DEEPLY AWARE THAT I NEED TO DO THINGS I HATE TO KEEP THE IMAGE OF A GOOD FRIEND???#I hate hanging out in small groups like this!!! I hate that you keep trying to come to my house!!!!#but I dont hate you. and if I dont come out tonight then Ill be a bad friend. so no matter if I really dont want to hang out I have to do it#ughhh#Idk if theyre the kind of people I need to microdose on or if Im just too tired to enjoy hanging out like this on my off hours#but fuck does it suck#vent#I definitely need to re-state some boundaries but like. ughhhh#how do you say that shit??#theyre both also poking at hoarding/guarding triggers of mine and its not helping#what do I say?? 'Stop trying to come to my house It makes me uncomfortable and Im never letting you in there'#Ive known them for 6 years at least!#and the other one Ive known for longer#'Dont ask me to pay for your things. Not even as a joke. I know I insists on paying for some things when we're on events together but never-#ask me outside of that. or to do things for you'#Thats super rude I cant do that!#like even just a firm No would be rude and completely out of character for me!#.....ughhhhhh
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God, I hate writing
#you write because your brain doesnt work right#it’s terrible#you hate it#you edit it#it’s still terrible#you still hate it#you post it so you’ll stop thinking about it#(and because you have to)#you get a comment saying it’s bad#and you want to yell that you knew it was!!! you knew it was bad all along!!#like somehow being aware of its faults absolves you of guilt ??#but it doesnt it just means you should have known better#god what am i fucking doing.#it's so embarrassing not being able to pull 5 kudos when people can like. see that. when people can see the comment calling it bad#im the worst im the worst im the worst in the whole thing#i wish i could dump my brain into the snow. i just know it needs it
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