#but i cannot stop myself from feeling like i am So fucking close

[catboygirljoker]

was planning on spending all day today on day 6 and then i literally did not sleep at all last night . and spent all of my drawing time today just, fiddling with the proportions on the sketch i have

[pilonciillo]

lol didn’t think someone giving money would give me anxiety

[werebutch]

Not at all the same as violent urges obviously but I really wish I had better control of my anger in general erm I can stop myself from being violent but I still say and do crazy hurtful things😭 erm

[depresseddepot]

I want to squeeze the anxiety organ until it fucking pops !!!!

[anoonimthepoorchad]

You know, the story of that family in Lviv, who were hiding in the stairway of their building during the air raid... the father only survived because he went to get some water from their flat. While everyone else stayed in the place considered more safe than apartments, and got buried under debris when the stairway fell apart from the missile attack.

And I understand how far away and distant this story is for people living in safety. You can't imagine the sounds of the air defense and missiles exploding, because you haven't heard it before. But your heart really stops at this rumbling sound, it stops and then rushes so fucking hard, you want to run away anywhere safer. We hide in the hallways, because the closest shelter is not close, and you cannot get ready in time before the missiles are already around your city. Even if you prepare your clothes and wake up the second the air raid sirens go off.

When the explosions get loud and the house starts rumbling itself, I feel scared and I grab my dog's collar and think of getting down to the first floor by the stairway. They were hiding there. They were doing everything right. They were doing everything to ensure their safety. I would do the same! It's so uncanny you can't stop feeling nauseous. What am I going to do the next time there's a big air raid? Can I ensure safety for my family at all?

And the worst part, I fell asleep as soon as the missiles turned from my city towards Lviv tonight. I was so exhausted, I didn't wake up until the very morning. I didn't check the danger at all tonight, and if russians decided so, I could have woken up from the sound of explosions, or not wake up at all anymore. It's fucking real, it's here and it's just a pure destruction.

Kharkiv, Kherson, Dnipro, Kryviy Rih, Sumy, countless cities, towns, suburbian houses, villages, even cities as far from the frontline as Lviv, everywhere danger is to be expected. I'm lucky to have people protect me and my city, but fuck, one fucking stray missile or drone and there's no me anymore. I didn't think about this before like this. I was just distracting myself, like there's no me at all, and it wouldn't make a difference if... you know... but it is real, and as far as I feel like I exist, while writing this post on my phone during an air raid, I feel how real this danger is after all.

[soullumii]

sleepyhead | gale dekarios x afab!reader

(18+!!!) afab!reader. second person pov. literally just smut: oral (f receiving), piv, dirty talk, consensual somnophilia. gale lives to please as always

my first gale fic... this man has taken over my entire life.

2k words

Gale’s lips press against yours in the dark, gentle and coaxing. A push and pull. You blink blearily awake from slumber as his hand finds your waist, fingers curling into the fabric of your sleep shift. His brown hair falls over the two of you like a curtain, shielding you from the terrors of the darkness.  

“Mm hello,” you purr against his lips. “What time is it?” You ask when he pulls back. He looks a bit wild, pupils blown wide, his eyes practically look black even in the dim candlelight. He’s breathing heavily, his gaze traveling over you, heated, like the air surrounding fire. He doesn’t answer. 

“Gale?” you repeat, warmth pooling in your belly at the pure desperation on his face. At the want curling in his eyes like a flame.

“It’s late,” he murmurs, voice rough, as though he’s parched. “Though I cannot stop thinking about you. I must…” he trails off, mind moving faster than his mouth can.

One thing you love about Gale is his ability to talk for seemingly hours on end with such eloquence and poetry. But when he’s like this…already hard against your thigh, slowly rutting his hips in circles, captured within pleasure, the words seem to leave him. You love it just as much, if not more. 

He leans in and runs his nose along your throat, breath ghosting over your skin. His teeth graze you, and his tongue follows, licking a stripe up your throat. You moan shakily, cunt clenching around nothing. 

“What’s gotten into you?” You ask, though it’s more breath than substance. Your brain is already beginning to short circuit, especially when the hand on your waist travels down to your thigh, fingertips pressing into the muscle there. 

“You just looked so beautiful on the battlefield today… I tried to contain myself because we had so much to do, but… fuck,” he breathes this against your neck, desperate. He hardly ever uses such vulgar language. “I need you, love.” 

“So you really weren’t lying when you told me you were turned on by my fighting,” you say, surprised.

“I am a lot of things, darling, but a liar is not one of them.”

The sound of his inhale as he leans down to kiss you again sends more molten pleasure swirling through you. 

His hips press against yours, grinding against your clothed cunt in a steady rhythm. You moan into his mouth, your hands reaching up to clench at his sleep shirt stretched over his broad back. 

You’re still sleepy as his hand drifts to the hem of your shift. He slowly pulls it up your thighs, up over your breasts, revealing your undergarments. He paws at your waistband like a cat begging for food. You lift your hips so he can pull them down over your ass. He undoes the ties to your bralette and slides it off your shoulders. 

Gale kisses his way down your body, stopping to close his warm mouth over a nipple while his dexterous hand squeezes and tugs at the other. You moan lightly, pleasure easing through you. He hums appreciatively against your skin, and the vibrations travel pleasantly through you.

“Gale…” you half murmur half moan as he moves his mouth to your other nipple. “I can hardly stay awake…” You feel yourself slipping in and out of consciousness. The gentle chirping of the crickets outside your tent doesn’t help.

“Of course,” he says, leaning back. “We can stop.”

“No—no wait,” you stop him with a hand curled around his wrist. “You can keep going while I’m sleeping, I don’t mind.” 

His eyes darken, his tongue dipping out to wet his lips. “Really? Are you quite sure?”

You nod with a sleepy smile and settle back comfortably. “Mhm.” 

“Tell me if you want me to stop,” he says, pressing another kiss to your lips. 

Your eyes flutter shut, your breathing slowing as you succumb to your exhaustion. Your limbs feel heavy, even as Gale continues his way down your body. 

“You’re so gorgeous, so perfect,” he whispers into your skin. His fingers curl into your thighs before he slowly pulls them apart, baring yourself to him.

He runs his hands appreciatively up and down your thighs, squeezing and kneading before hooking them over his shoulders.

Gale presses a kiss to the inside of your right thigh before retreating. You feel his lips again a second later, just between your thigh and cunt, mere centimeters from where you’re wet and aching for him.

And then you feel his warm breath puffing against your core, and your body squirms impatiently. You peek an eye open to watch him.

He looks so handsome as he glances up at you, eyes soft, mouth twitched into a smirk. “I thought you were going to sleep.”

“I am,” you reply, closing your eyes again. “Just wanted to admire the view one last time.” 

He chuckles lowly, “Sweet dreams, darling.”

He doesn’t move for a while, and you find yourself drifting off in the stillness. Your breathing slows, your mind growing quiet as sleep takes over you.

---

The moment your breaths even out as your hands fall slack against your sides, Gale presses his face between your thighs. He uses the flat of his tongue to lick a long, hot stripe through your folds. You taste delicious on his tongue, and gods you’re so wet. You’re soaking his beard, and he’s hardly been between your thighs for longer than ten seconds.

He doesn’t care. You keep releasing cute little moans in your sleep as he takes you apart brick by brick. Or rather… lick by lick.

His hands grip your waist, keeping you close. Your hips buck involuntarily to meet his mouth, grinding against his face. Even in your sleep you’re seeking out pleasure from him. 

God forbid he won’t deliver.

He pulls back one of his hands to slide a finger into you. It goes easily. He adds another without any resistance. You’re so incredibly wet. He wants to remain between your thighs forever. Your sweet, slick arousal runs down his hand to his wrist, and he bends his head to lick it off. 

His hips rut against the floor of his tent, the act of eating you out so arousing to him he has to seek his own pleasure to mitigate the pain. He doesn’t mind. He’d rather see you cum over and over again before he ever does.

He slowly thrusts his fingers into you while mouthing at your clit, delighting in your shaky breaths and wanton moans. You look gorgeous, brows screwed together, sweat beading on your temple. You’re going to wake up soon, and damnit he’ll make sure it’s while you’re cumming.

---

Warmth kindles between your thighs, pleasure and arousal pooling deep in your belly, tingling in your toes and rising through you.

Sleep drifts away from you, hanging onto the recesses of your mind, but ultimately not strong enough against the building pleasure you feel. 

You chase the feeling, the promise of sweet release. Your surroundings slowly begin to materialize around you. The feeling of your bedroll clenched between your fingers, the undeniable feeling of a mouth between your legs, the sound of low, rumbling, appreciative moans that vibrate through you.

Even the sound of your own cries are registering in your mind. 

The melting pleasure collapses into one pinpoint. A supernova explodes within you as your clit is sucked diligently while the two, long fingers buried inside you hook to press against your g-spot. 

Your back bows, eyes flying open as you cum against Gale’s warm and inviting mouth with a cry of his name. He guides you through it with gentle laps of his tongue through your folds. He mumbles words of encouragement, but they’re lost against your skin. 

“Fuck,” you breathe. “Gale.”

“Mm.” You can practically feel his pride radiating off of him from making you come. 

He continues to lick you through it until you’re coming again, hands fisted in his hair as his lips suck once more on your clit, his fingers fucking into you. Your legs quiver atop his shoulders, your mind utterly fucked into emptiness.

When it’s all too much you push him away, breathing heavily, contented tears in your eyes.

“Holy shit,” you huff, trying to catch your breath. “Maybe you should wake me up like that more often.”

His eyes sparkle excitedly. “If that is what you wish, I’d be glad to.” 

“You are such a giver. You really should let me take care of you sometimes.”

He shrugs. “I like giving. It brings me great pleasure to reside between your thighs for as long as you can stand.”

You sigh at his fanciful words, but you appreciate his adoration all the same. He crawls forward as you lean up to kiss him, the taste of yourself on his tongue rekindling the fire in your gut. His hand winds its way into your hair, the other squeezes your hip. 

“I need you inside me,” you whisper against his lips. “Now.” 

He groans, fingers flexing in your hair. Your body jolts with arousal at the sweet tug. 

“Say no more,” Gale says. “Your wish is my command.”

He takes off his trousers then rolls you onto your stomach. His hands grip your hips, pulling your ass up and backwards, and his knee comes between your thighs to press them apart. 

He guides the head of his cock through your slick folds and your hips squirm in anticipation.

He leans across your back, pressing a kiss to your shoulder blade. “I wish you could see yourself on the battlefield. The way you look with someone else’s blood on your armor… The flush on your cheeks… The way you breathe… You’re so capable, so strong. I cannot help but stare.”

He eases his cock inside you and the two of you moan in tandem at the delightful feeling. Him, at your warmth. You, at the undeniable feeling of being filled. 

He bites lightly at your shoulder before whispering in your ear. “Sometimes I wish I could take you right there. In front of all of our friends and dead foes.”

You clench around him at his words, and he groans, hips snapping forward. You jolt against the bedroll, elbows digging into the feather down material. 

“Gale,” you whimper. 

He hums, “Yes. You’d be saying my name just. Like. That.” He delivers those three last words with hard thrusts, the sound of his skin slapping against yours echoing in the tent. 

He builds up the pace, fucking into you steadily. Your cheek squishes against your pillow as he fills you, your mind still sleepy but undeniably consumed by lust and love.

“What do you think? Would you like that, love? Would you like to be fucked in front of all our companions?” 

“Yes,” you breathe. “Yes, please, Gale. Need you—“

“Mm, that’s it,” he murmurs. His hand skates across your stomach as his warm fingers settle over your clit. “As much as I’d love to indulge the fantasy, I’m not sure I’d want them to watch.” 

He begins to circle your clit with reverence, in time with his thrusts as he pushes you closer and closer to the edge.

“I want you all to myself,” he grits. 

You cry out, melting against him, knees buckling as you reach your release. It rips through you, hard and fast. Unrelenting. A wildfire raging through your nerves. 

Gale chases after his own climax, thrusts growing sloppy and deeper, moans and praises spilling from his lips before he finally cums inside you, hips twitching. 

Your body trembles as the aftershocks roll through you. 

You collapse onto the bedroll, breathing heavily, and Gale pulls you into him. You both lie on your sides, him softening inside you. He buries kisses into your neck, his arms wrapped around your waist. 

“Are you all right?” he asks you, his thumb brushing comfortingly along your rib cage. 

“So good,” you respond, brain blissfully empty, as if the tadpole never existed. You already feel sleep crawling across your mind again, pulling you under. You yawn and grin happily, like a cat that’s gotten its warm milk. 

“Going back to bed already?” he teases, leaning up to press a kiss to your cheek. “I wear you out that much?” 

“Mhmm…”

“All right. Go to sleep darling. I’ll clean you up.”

You’re already halfway asleep when you feel his tongue dip into you once more, licking his cum out from inside you—

Oh well. You can catch up on sleep tomorrow.

[commandershepardvasfuckit]

An Arranged Marriage, part 28

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 | Part 18 | Part 19 | Part 20 | Part 21 | Part 22 | Part 23 | Part 24 | Part 25 | Part 26 | Part 27

1.4k words

A much calmer Zen has a lot to unload.

(I am feral over my own character, ask box is always open for talking about my writing or just monster fucking in general!)

--------

Zen’s fluffy, shaggy hair tickled your nose as he stirred a bit and woke you. In the nearly two months you had been together you could not recall a single time when he slept in, seeing him still in bed was quite a surprise.

You kissed the top of his head and immediately felt him nuzzle against you, though you were not really sure if he was actually awake or if it was a subconscious reaction. His breathing was deep and even, and he seemed much calmer at least.

“Are you awake?” you whispered.

He nodded, apparently still not feeling quite up to speaking.

“Are you alright?”

Again he just nodded.

“Everything is alright my dear, I promise” you scratched the side of his head where his hair was cropped short, the only spot where you really could get through his dense hair to scratch his scalp.

“I ruined everything” his voice was so quiet as he spoke.

“No, no. You didn’t ruin anything Zen.”

“I hurt you the first time yesterday, then I went and did that.”

“And it’s ok, things happen, but you didn’t ruin anything.”

He stayed quiet and did not acknowledge you.

“I’m not mad or upset or anything” you tried to assure him, “I’m just worried about you, I just want you to be alright,”

“I am upset at myself.”

“I know” you kissed the top of his head again, “and we’ll figure it out together, I promise.”

That seemed to at least somewhat satisfy him, he gave another little nuzzle against you and you swore for just a moment that you heard him purr.

“How about I make us some breakfast? You’ve got to be starving by now, you never sleep this late” you offered.

“You are not good at cooking.”

“Then come sit with me and tell me what to do and keep me company.”

He nodded and shimmed off of you so you could get up.

Zen stuck at your side as you sat at the hearth, a blanket still wrapped around himself and his chin resting on your shoulder while he watched you closely. With a little guidance you were able to make a serviceable enough breakfast for the two of you.

It was a bit smothering how Zen chose to sit behind and a bit to your side so he could lean his chin on your shoulder. He decided to eat breakfast like that too, his arms wrapped around you as he reached for things, restricting how much you could move but you did not have the heart to try to get him to just sit next to you instead.

“It should not be like this” you heard him say softly.

“I know, but this is where we are, and we can go back to taking things slowly” you leaned against him and nuzzled him a bit, “and if it makes you feel any better, you felt incredible last night. But I can wait while we figure things out.”

He buried his face against your neck as best he could with his tusks getting in the way. It was faint, but you could hear his soft purring for just a moment.

“I am just so tired of waiting. I waited for so long for this war to end so I could just go home. And now instead I am here, where I barely get to speak my own tongue, my festivals are not celebrated here. I fought so one day I could go home, and I still cannot. And now I do not want to wait more to have you.”

It never occurred to you that Zen might be homesick. You knew he was not from the city, but he usually seemed happy. He knew so many people, always stopping to smile and chat with when the two of you were out, he knew his way around the city well, everything always seemed fine anyways.

“Have you gone back to visit recently?” you asked.

“Not since the end of the war. I went home to see everyone, and then almost immediately got summoned here and offered the position.”

Six months then you figured at least since he had been home. Six months since Zen had started living somewhere where everything was new and different, where he did not have his family, where he could almost never speak his own language. The irony that neither of you were home here was not lost on you.

“Why not go visit?” you asked.

“I do not have the time. There is just to much to do here” he said.

“Even just for a week or so?”

“We are rebuilding after a war. It is a puzzle of constantly changing and moving pieces trying to figure out what is needed and where.”

“And no one on the council ever takes time away?”

“Some do.”

“So why don’t you?”

He stayed quiet, his face still buried against neck.

“We can go visit together, if you want” you said.

“Maybe.”

‘Maybe’ was better than ‘no’ at least you figured. Though it felt odd that for someone who seemed to be homesick to also be so resistant to visiting home.

“I haven’t met any of your family, well except Bira. I think it would be nice if we went and visited.”

“I did not tell my family I got married.”

You pulled away from him just enough to look him in the eye, “What?”

“It was decided pretty fast, and at the time it did not seem like a big deal, so I did not say anything.”

“Zen! We’ve been married for almost two months! What do you mean you never actually told your family? When you found out you were getting married you didn’t send them a letter or anything?!” you could not believe what he was saying.

“I was told I was getting married in a month’s time, but at the time I did not consider it real. It was just another thing I had to do. It did not seem worth making a big deal of and getting my family involved.”

You really were not surprised that it was not something he made a fuss over, he already had told you that arranged marriages were not a thing here, it was just another duty to him on par with anything else really. But it did surprise you that months after he still had not told his family.

“So they really don’t know?” you asked.

“No, just Ba and Bira, and I asked them not say anything.”

“And you’re sure they haven’t said anything?”

“If my mother knew I was married and she was not here for the wedding she would have made the trip here to yell at me in person by now. I would never hear the end of it.”

“So that’s it? You’re just going to somehow never tell your family that you’re married?” you snapped a bit at him.

“No! No” he tried to press his forehead to yours, frantically tugging at you so he could face you and reach you. “I just do not know what to do now.”

“Tell your family” you answered him flatly.

“I know, but now I do not know how to do that now. I do not want to just show up and surprise them, ‘Hi mother, I have not seen you in months. By the way this is my wife, we have been married for two months and I never told you’ because that will go well.”

“Why not send a letter? Just explain the same thing you told me” you suggested. His family would probably still be annoyed, but at least it would help smooth things over.

“It is not easy to send a letter that far” he protested.

“So you would rather just show up and surprise them?”

“No.”

“Then send a letter.”

He sighed and nuzzled his forehead against yours, “I will send a letter.”

“And perhaps we’ll visit for the next festival?”

“Maybe.”

“You can’t avoid your family forever.”

“Not forever, just long enough to not be yelled at too much.”

“Zen” you pushed back.

“We will go for the next festival” he finally conceded.

--------

Part 29

Tag list

@blushycadaver @mochalyluv @hazyspacefairy @littlelovebug98 @tufflepuff23 @lets-imagineastory @emonatural191 @after-laughter-come-tears @plathsotherib @krayziee @zaqnette @graveblanketgreen @lovingbadguys @nogoatsnoglori @bunnibabylilly

[drewsephrry]

hiii congrats on 2k!!! you deserve it so much <33

💋 prompt list a: "i need space" + "you can't leave me"

tyyy

thank you so much lovie!! 🤍🤍

2k celebration!!!

warnings: cuss words, blood

word count: 1.1k

The knock on your door wakes you up from your deep slumber. You look at your phone screen, showing it's 2am. You get up and pull on your slippers as you cautiously walk downstairs. As you reach the front door, you check through the peephole, finding Rafe, your boyfriend outside your door, blood dripping from his nose. You immediately open the door, worried expression on your face.

“Rafe…oh my god!” You exclaim in shock. He wipes the blood from his nose.

“Hey baby…” he smiles wide as he enters the house. You grab his face and pull him with you to the bathroom. You close the cover of the toilet seat and make him sit down on it. You rummage through the cabinet for your first aid kit.

“On the left.” he whispers, familiar with the first aid kit now. Rafe's temper had always been a problem. He got into a lot of fights often, because he couldn't control his anger. You had scolded him multiple times about it but he never seemed to listen.

You grab the first aid kit and stand between his legs as you examine his face. A cut on his cheek, a bruise starting to form on his jaw, a busted lip and a bloody nose adorning his face. You try and successfully stop the nosebleed, before applying some alcohol disinfectant on a cotton pad to clean the cut. When the alcohol makes contact with the cut, he hisses as it stings and holds your hips in response.

“Sorry.” You groan, your guilt evident on your face. He shakes his head as you continue cleaning up the cut.

“It's not your fault.” He whispers. He lets you do your work quietly. Bandaging up the cut and putting some ointment on the bruise on his jaw. When you're done, you clean up the kit and wash your hands, your back in front of him and he looks at you waiting for a reaction. He knew you didn't like when he got into fights and he knew he was gonna get a lecture again. You turn around and lean on the counter, crossing your arms expectantly.

“So..? What happened?” You ask and he shakes his head.

“You're not gonna like the answer…” Rafe exclaims jokingly and he looks up at you, expecting something. Even the smallest smile from you would make him feel a lot better than the worried expression you had. He sighs, when he notices the absence of anything.

“I-I got into a fight…with some stupid guy at the club.” He reveals and you nod.

“Why, this time?” You ask, jabbing at him for all the other fights he has been in. He rolls his eyes.

“Doesn't matter.” He replies, but knowing you and how stubborn you get, he knew you'd push.

“Please, tell me.” You beg and when he sees the concern in your eyes as you do, he nods.

“He…he said some stuff about you. And I-I couldn't…control myself. I couldn't let him talk shit about you.” Your eyebrows furrow even more. The sight of him battered and bruised, because he tried to defend you, doesn't make you feel good as he expected it to. You sigh and look up to the ceiling.

“We've talked about this, Rafe. You can't keep getting into stupid fights. Losing your temper like that…” You begin.

“It's not stupid…I was trying to defend you. I wasn't gonna let him or anyone talk like that about you.” He interrupts you, frustrated that you cannot understand him. I shake my head, looking away from him.

“What? Huh? You're gonna get upset again and-and start fucking lecturing me again? Can you not see that I did this for you?” His face filled with frustration and some anger.

“I didn't ask you to do any of this!” You snap. “Do you think it's easy for me to see you hurt? To have to clean you up? Think again…”

Rafe sighs, suddenly feeling some guilt for making you feel this way, but doesn't have any remorse about what he did.

“I am not gonna apologize for fighting that guy. Or anyone disrespecting you. I don't care that I got, what? A bruise…and a busted lip? I've gotten worse before, sweetheart. You shouldn't worry about me. I can handle it.”

You sigh at his words, knowing that if you reply, the fighting cycle will just keep going.

“You know what…I can't do this. I'm tired.” You look down fidgeting with one of your rings. The promise one, Rafe got you not too long ago. He notices that bad habit of yours and gets up from the toilet seat.

“Yeah, me too.” He sighs too, pulling your hand away from your ring. “We can sleep it off. Or talk about it later.”

“No, Rafe..” You start “I mean, I'm tired of this.” You close your eyes and his eyebrows furrow in worry, his chest filling with pain as he tries to understand what you mean. And hoping it doesn't mean what he thinks.

“What?” He asks, anxiety taking over. “Wh-what do you mean?”

“I mean…fuck, aren't you tired? Of us. Arguing all the time. And for stupid things.” You reveal, but his mind is stuck. Of us. That little phrase meant everything he feared. You were gonna leave him.

When he doesn't say anything, you sigh again, closing your eyes.

“I…I need some space.” His heart aches and he shakes his head.

“No, baby…we can talk. We…I…please..”

You look up, your eyes glossy, as your lips tremble trying to contain your emotions. His eyes widen and he reaches for you.

“Baby. Hey, hey. No, we can fix this. I-I can fix this. Just…please. Don't…” he sighs “Please, don't leave me. You can't leave me. I…I need you, baby. Sweetheart, please” He exclaims. Rafe is not one who expresses his feelings in words often. Usually he shows it to you by getting you gifts, taking you to expensive trips and dates, making you dinner and treating you to a nice bath or something. Being vulnerable is not something he is used to, but when it comes to you he doesn't care.

He touches your shoulder gently, reaching for the back of your neck to pull you to look up at him.

“Please…” You wrap your arms around him before you start sobbing. His heart aches at the sound and wraps his arms around you immediately.

“Hey…shh. I got you. I am here.” He kept repeating.

After a few minutes, your sobs subside into quiet sniffles. You pull back to look at him.

“I don't wanna…I didn't…mean it.” You try to explain but he cuts you off with a shake of his head.

“No, don't. You don't need to explain anything. I am an idiot. I keep getting into fights and I know how much that bothers you. I will stop. If that's what you want me to do, I will stop. I don't care.” He says determined to fix this mess he created. “Just please. Don't leave me.” He whispers and you nod.

“I won't. I can't. Ever.” He smiles at your words and leans down to kiss your forehead.

“I love you, my sweet girl. I love how you take care of me. And I love that you're worrying about me. I really fucking appreciate you. Okay? I know…I don't say it enough. But I do!” He exclaims and you smile slightly.

“I love you too.” You whisper. He leans down and captures your lips into his.

“I will fix this. I swear. I will make it better. I will do better. Just…don't go.” You nod at his words and he wraps his arms around you.

You might fight often, but Rafe will do whatever it takes to fix it. To never lose you.

A/N: this might just been my fav blurb i have written so far. i did get a little carried away with it. i hope you enjoy this and is somewhat what you expected!!🤍

[arabellasleopardcoat]

You wouldn’t believe the things I have done for her (Daemon Targaryen x Reader)

Summary: Daemon lives a dangerous life. You wish you could find a way to protect him, but you are too afraid of guns. Lucky you, Daemon has a plan.

A/N: Do not try this at home. Requested by the lovely @avalyaaa I am sorry it took me so long, but I wanted to give your request the attention it deserved.

Warnings: Smut. Mafia! Daemon. Gun kink. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH: GUN KINK. Slight degradation.

You sit quietly in the back of the car. In the front seat sits Harwin, drumming his fingers against the steering wheel. He is bored. You can tell by the way he keeps fiddling with things. Changing the radio station, messing with the AC.

Harwin probably misses his old work. It’s not like Daemon needs a bodyguard or a driver. You know it’s more for your protection than his. And while Harwin is no stranger to guarding people who don’t need his protection, you bet the fact that Rhaenyra was fucking him made the prospect much more agreeable.

The AC gets turned off again. You would scold him for it, were it not for the fact you are deadly bored yourself. Daemon’s quick meeting has turned into an hour long one, and you have been instructed to not step out of the car. The only entertainment you have is your phone, and you can only scroll through so many TikToks before wanting to claw your own eyes out.

Instead of continuing to refresh your For you page, you turn your attention back to obsessing over your conversation with Daemon. The shame from your stupidity makes your cheeks heat up.

“I don’t trust them.” Daemon had said, pressing a kiss to your cheek. He often avoided kissing you in the lips whenever you were close to his associates. As if not kissing you could trick them into thinking you were not relevant and convince them not to target you. “They are…. Not the most respectful with women.”

“You don’t trust me, you mean. To handle myself.” And by the Seven, it had even sounded bratty to your ears. You had not meant it like that at all. You had only wanted him to stop using that shitty excuse.

There were women who attended these meetings. You knew it. Hell, you had even met them. And these weren’t sex workers or strippers. These were women who held high positions in the organization. Rhaenyra, who was going to inherit it one day. Mysaria, who ran an informant network. Even Alicent pitched in from time to time. You were tired of being lied to. Sometimes, you craved the more normal boyfriend experience.

“I trust you. I don’t trust them.” Daemon had chuckled at your pout, and given you a pat in the head. “Behave.”

It had felt so dismissive. So humiliating. As if you were a child and not an actual grown woman. You hated arguing with Daemon. There was something about his tone, or his attitude, you were not sure which, that made him sound forever condescending.

You supposed inherited wealth was like that. The Targaryens had been running their schemes for nearly six generations by now. They were royalty by modern standards, even when you didn’t know about their more shady dealings.

It was no use, being upset over it. Daemon was too set in his ways to change. You needed to find a way around your problem, instead of charging right into it. But nothing comes to you at this moment, so you unlock your phone and continue your scrolling.

You save a few recipes you want to try, and like some pet videos. You are thinking of asking Daemon to adopt a puppy. A small breed would suit your apartment better, but you know Daemon. He will probably want the most intimidating dog he can get his hands on. A big, scary doberman could be something you could get behind. You had been feeling unsafe as of late.

A sudden, loud noise makes you jerk on your seat. You start to ask Harwin what’s wrong, but you don’t manage to even form the words. It's happening too fast.

“Get on your knees and do not get up until I say!” Harwin shouts. You do not need further explanations, understanding something is really wrong. You fall into the floor of the car with such haste that your phone is sent flying under the seat.

“…. Whisk the butter and the sugar…” You try to reach for it, but the space is too cramped, and suddenly the car is moving, throwing the phone around. Your knees throb from dropping yourself from the seat too hard, and you try to focus on that and not the way your heart feels like it’s in your throat. A gunshot, you realize. A gunshot. You should be used to them by now, but you still feel afraid.

Harwin drives fast and efficiently. It’s two full blocks before he orders you to get up again. You do so, legs shaking. There is a wet feeling on your knee. Blood. You had scrapped it when you threw yourself on the ground.

“What happened?” You ask him, smoothing your clothes down. Now that your panic isn’t as intense, you feel a pang of guilt. Daemon. Seven Hells, you had left him back there. “Daemon?”

Despite knowing that Harwin’s orders are first and foremost getting you out of danger, you can’t help but feel guilty. You had not even thought to worry about him. He is probably fine, considering the place was filled with Targaryens. He is also more than capable of handling himself. But to be so blinded by your fear that you did not even think of him…

“I got no fucking clue.” He asks, meeting your eyes in the mirror. “I’ll call Daemon, alright?”

“Yeah.” You say, quietly. You grab the seat’s edge and squeeze, as if you could will Daemon to your side by frustration alone. Harwin dials.

“Yeah, we are fine.” Harwin says, smiling at you through the mirror. You know he wouldn’t be so casual if something bad had happened, and so, you give him a thumbs up. Your guilt eases a bit, being replaced by relief. “She is fine, just a bit shaken up.” And he rolls his eyes because Daemon can be a bit overbearing.

“Just trouble with an errand guy.” Harwin explains, once the call is over. “He should be here soon.”

But despite how casual they made it sound, you couldn’t shake the fear and guilt away. It stayed on your mind, nestled like a worm, curling around your brain and threatening to choke it. When the night comes, and Daemon sleeps peacefully by your side, you still think of it. Of how you could die, and he could too. And there wouldn’t be a thing to be done.

You sit up on your side of the bed, letting the sheet pool around your waist. You hug your knees to your chest. The night is chilly, and the blackout curtains Daemon insists on having to ensure the room is pitch black. It only serves to disquiet you further.

There is a gun on Daemon’s nightstand. Should there be one in yours? His work is dangerous enough to warrant it. Enough to warrant you having a bodyguard, why not a weapon of your own?

You weren’t going to let him die. Nor were you going to leave him behind, like today. This was the twenty-first century, not the Middle Ages. You were tired of cowering back and acting the damsel in distress. If someone is going to try to hurt the man you love, you sure will fight back.

Daemon was yours. As much as you were his, and so, it wasn’t fair that only he protected you. You needed to be able to have his back, or at least, not be a distraction in a fight.

Your decision is not just something you can communicate to Daemon, though. He is not going to like it. You know him. Daemon is a bit old-fashioned like that. He likes gender roles a little too much for it. He is your protector and provider, and you are supposed to just be sweet and warm. The thought of you using a gun will probably cause him a heart attack.

And the thing is, Daemon doesn’t just style himself your protector. He does an outstanding job of it. He has managed to keep you away from the nastier side of his business. Never have you seen a dead body, or any of his associates beyond his family. So if you hope to achieve this, you need to be smart about it.

You decide you will tell him first thing in the morning when he is barely awake. He will be more susceptible that way. And happy with your plan, you finally manage to catch a few hours of sleep.

The next morning, you get started making breakfast with only one thing in mind. Convincing Daemon. You are barefoot, wearing only one of his shirts. It’s basic manipulation, and he will probably able to tell, but you hope it will soften him to your cause.

It’s when you are scrambling the eggs that he emerges, lured by the smell of fried bacon and a fresh pot of tea. Daemon wraps himself around you, still warm with sleep.

“Morning, love.” His voice is still a bit hoarse with sleep. He nuzzles your neck and hums, pleased. “Couldn’t I convince you to come back to bed?”

You laugh.

“Not really. The eggs are almost done.” You take the pan off the stove, letting it cool. “I would like to learn how to shoot.”

Daemon stiffens. You can feel him pull back from you. It’s not a physical thing, his arms remain wrapped around your waist, but his voice becomes colder and meaner. He is fully awake now.

“And why, in the Seven Hells, would you need to learn?”

“To feel safer.” You answer, keeping your tone steady.

“Do you not feel safe already? I could hire you another bodyguard.” Daemon hugs you slightly tighter. You lean into the counter a little bit, and sigh. Then, you detangle yourself from him.

“I don’t want a bodyguard. I need to learn how to shoot.” You state again, calmly. You turn to look at him. He looks more annoyed than angry.

“Sweetheart. You know that is not the best idea.” Daemon pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Why not?” You cross your arms over your chest.

“You are sensitive. You cry when animals die in movies.” He complains, stepping a bit closer to you. Daemon pours you a cup of tea and plates the eggs. “Go sit. I’ll wrap this up.”

You give him a sullen look but obey, watching him cut and toast the bread just in the way you like. You sit by the kitchen’s island, watching him work. Daemon is only wearing his underwear. You don’t think he owns something that resembles pajamas. Targaryens always run hot, or so they say.

Disappointing yourself, you let yourself be distracted by the view. You watch the muscles on his back shift and move as he finishes breakfast for you. You are mesmerized by the elegance of his every movement.

He is delicious, you think to yourself. You want to climb him like a tree. Despite the slight age difference, Daemon is more handsome than other men you have met. He is a bit vain, sure, but his efforts are worth it.

It’s only after he sits next to you that you remember what you were doing. You blame it on the lack of sleep.

“So?”

“You are my woman. It’s my duty to protect you. I’ll keep you safe.” Daemon rubs your shoulders, comfortingly. His voice sounds apologetic, a denial despite the soft tone he is using. “You know I keep you well away from danger.”

And he does. Not only Harwin and him have talked protocols, but Daemon has also ensured you would be protected even in the event of his death or imprisonment. You have numerous properties to your name, a few fake passports and three hidden bank accounts in different tax havens. None of which would be taken away if the two of you break up, Daemon has clearly stated. He loves you enough to want you to be protected even if you don’t love him anymore.

“I don’t like being powerless.”

“I seem to remember you do.” He squeezes your thigh, playfully. Your breath shifts despite yourself. You cover it by taking a sip of your tea and leveling a faux glare at him.

“I know.” Daemon kisses your nose. “I like that you don’t know how to shoot. That you are clean from this world.”

“It won’t sully me.” You argue because it’s a silly thing to think. It’s not like you are going to start shooting people or running illegal gambling rings. You just want to be able to defend yourself if something happens. And perhaps Daemon. If he doesn't feel too emasculated, this ridiculous man of yours.

“If I wanted a woman who knew how to shoot I would still be with Rhaenyra.” He complains.

“Plenty of women know how. I am not…” You rub at your eyes, tiredly. You want him to understand nothing is going to change between the two of you. “I do not want to go to your stupid meetings or meet your associates for dinner. I just want to know how to defend myself if something happens.”

“And I am saying you don’t need to because nothing is going to happen.” Daemon’s voice turns firmer. Now you can tell he is beginning to get angry, so you reach for his hand and squeeze.

“But if it does? If one night we wake up and there is a gun to our faces? Then what? Do I just let you die for me?” You allow your voice to break in the last part, letting him truly see your anguish. It is a fear of you that has lived on too long. You need this. You need to be able to defend both of you if something happens.

“Oh, sweetheart.”

It gets you to the firing range. Daemon takes you there in the middle of the week, hoping to inconvenience the least amount of people with him booking the entire place.

Your first impression of it is that it’s nothing like in the movies. There are neat little booths with circular targets instead of human shaped ones. You had expected only utilitarian decoration, harsh white lighting and white walls. Instead, the place looks well maintained and expensive. You should have expected so, considering this is Daemon you are talking about.

“Your first lesson…” Daemon says, eyeing you distrustfully. You stare right back at him. “Will be on safety.”

He takes two bulletproof vests out of a hanger, as well two pairs of earmuffs.

“These are protection gear, meant to be used each time you are practicing. And hopefully…” Daemon passes the bulletproof vest over your head. You let him do so, lifting your arms when he instructs you. The vest is heavier than you expect, and more solid too. It feels like what you wear when you are getting an x-ray. “You will use the vest too if you ever fire a gun outside here.”

“And not the earmuffs?”

“You should wear them to protect your ears, especially if you are firing many rounds. But you never see people wearing these because they are heavy-duty protection. In a real fight, you wouldn’t be able to hear your surroundings. Gunshots are pretty loud. So are gunfights.”

“Is that why you are losing your hearing?” You sass, with a grin. “I thought it was just your old age.”

“Oh, shut up. Little brat.” Daemon smacks your ass, playful. It doesn’t even hurt, but you jump and squeal in faux outrage. He laughs at your antics, and it does make you feel better about forcing him to teach you this.

“Should we do the whole…?” You gesture vaguely, trying to reference the classical movie or book montage where the female lead and the love interest stand very close, under the excuse to fix her posture. Daemon shakes his head.

“What is even that?” You would call him an old man for missing your reference, but you know he is sensitive about his age. Besides, you are not a great mime either. “No. You are going to stand with your legs and shoulders the same width apart and a proper posture. No slouching!”

“You know, not all of us grew up with a tutor chasing us and screaming for proper posture.” You grumble, but comply with his orders.

“Perhaps if you had, you wouldn’t need all those Pilates and Yoga classes you so enjoy.” Daemon argues right back. He circles you and pushes a bit at your hips. You try to loosen them. “Perhaps my cards would not explode then.”

“Shut up. It’s not like you don’t reap the benefits.”

Your good humor disappears when Daemon places a gun on the counter in front of you. You go quiet, suddenly unsure of your choice. He shows you how to charge it and how to put the safety on and off. You pay him all of your attention, feeling a bit numb. Most of the details about it fly over your head, despite your attempts to memorize them.

“Alright. I think you are ready for your first try.” Daemon says, handing you the gun. You grab it with trembling hands. You adjust your stance and ensure the muzzle is pointing down, and that you are not gesturing wildly with it. He puts your earmuffs on, and then his.

The world around you feels muffled. You swear you can hear your heartbeat, with how silent everything is. The gun in your hands is throwing you off. It looks odd. These can’t be your hands. You feel like you are not actually there, but watching the scene unfold from outside, watching someone else about to shoot.

Daemon adjusts your grip with his hands, casual about his proximity to the loaded weapon. You stiffen as soon as you feel him approach you, worried about accidentally shooting him.

“Come on.” He mouths, impatiently. You lift the gun, take the safety off, and aim. You pull the trigger, and it is with an awful noise and jerk, that you fire for the first time. The shot goes wide, hitting the wall next to the target.

Daemon taps your shoulder and gestures for you to go again. He watches your every move. His expression betrays nothing. If you are going at it the wrong way, you wouldn't be able to tell.

You repeat the motion, flinching at the noise. Even with the earmuffs it’s loud. It reminds you of that day in the alley, and makes your stomach clench. Daemon signals for you to put the gun down, and you do so, glad that it’s over. You can’t believe you thought you could actually do this. You feel so stupid. He was right, you are too soft.

Daemon can probably tell you are getting too in your head. He removes your earmuffs and pulls you in for a hug. The vests make it awkward, but you feel comforted by his solidness next to you.

“You did great, sweetheart.” He lies, and kisses your temple. You feel so disappointed you could cry. A laugh bubbles out of you, a bit hysterical.

Daemon tsks. He reaches for the gun and deftly discharges it.

“Come on.” He says, kissing your cheek. “I know what your problem is.”

“Yeah?” You ask him, a bit doubtful. You don’t want to feel any sort of hope, just in case that he is mistaken. Giving up so easily might be childish, yet you had not expected this to be so hard. After all, like half the people that Daemon knew could do it.

“You have to learn to love the gun.” He places it back on your hand and steps up behind you. It seems like you are doing the movie thing after all. He kicks your legs a bit, encouraging you to shift your stance.

“Love the gun?”

“You keep looking at it like it’s a weapon of mass destruction.” Daemon laughs, and mouths along your nape. You shiver. It’s an almost Pavlovian reaction by now. When Daemon’s voice gets all low and husky, and he holds you like that, your body knows it’s time for sex. It’s very inappropriate. But conditioned as you are, you can’t stop the throb of arousal between your thighs. “Stop looking like you are horrified by it.”

He fixes your grip around the gun. He steadies your hand.

“Shoot.”

You obey, pulling the trigger. The gun clicks, but nothing happens. It’s unloaded.

“Good.” Daemon says, and lightly bites your shoulder. “Again.”

You repeat the motion. He has you do it over and over again, until you no longer flinch when pulling the trigger. When you are fully desensitized to the sound, Daemon takes the gun from you.

“Great job.” He says, placing the gun right on your face. “Now kiss it.”

“Excuse me?” You stare at Daemon, sure that he must be joking. Kissing the gun? No way. But one look at his face, at the amused curve of his lips, and the mischievous glint in his eyes, tell you that he is serious.

“You heard me.” Daemon chuckles, a bit darkly. You understand then that this is both for his amusement and a punishment. He gets off on humiliating others, that you know. And he had not liked that you had forced him into giving you shooting lessons. He now intends to bring you down a few pegs. “Kiss the barrel.”

You scrunch up your face. You got your pride, too. Despite knowing that submitting to his whims is easy and will probably pacify him for a while, you can’t help but resist. Your whole body rebels at the idea of accepting such an obvious power play.

“Come on, don’t be like that. You owe me.” Daemon tilts your head up, placing a finger under your chin. He makes a show of cooing over your pout, before leaning in to kiss you.

“I don’t!” You move your head away, denying him. It’s a bit cruel, and it makes him frown, which you consider a win.

“You so do. I didn’t want to teach you, you know. At least give me good jerk off material.” He pouts at you, and you can’t help but smile a little. He is ridiculous.

It is part of why you love him. Daemon is young in spirit, if not in body, and he makes you feel younger too. Giddy and willing to do silly things. Silly things like leaning in and kissing the barrel of a gun.

The metal is cold under your lips, hard and unyielding. Daemon makes a pleased noise and pulls you in for a kiss. You can feel him smile against your mouth, before trying to deepen it. Playfully, you nip at him, until it is him who yields and opens up for you.

It is then that he presses the cold barrel against your nape. The feeling of the gun against your skin makes you tense and jerk, giving him once again the upper hand. With the control of the kiss back in his hands, he pulls you closer.

You feel yourself slowly starting to become aroused. One of Daemon’s hands finds your hip, squeezing the flesh there. His gesture is both possessive and greedy. Something swoops in your belly, dark and demanding. You want all his attention on you, you want him all for you.

Making out with Daemon is a full-bodied experience. It shouldn’t surprise you, then, that he starts to gently run the muzzle of the gun down your neck. At first, you don’t notice, too caught up on how close both of you are. Your chest is flush against his, and the feeling of his body against yours makes you whimper, before you realize what game is he playing.

“Daemon.” You warn, annoyed. He gives you a shit eating grin.

“I am just getting the two of you better acquainted. My best girls.” Daemon leans in and kisses behind your ear. He takes his time, making out with the shell of it. He is cautious to do all the right things to make you tremble against him. Yet, you can’t seem to forget about the gun, running down your sternum, between your breasts.

The muzzle gets caught against your clothes. Daemon uses it to push one of the sleeves of your top a little aside, to be able to lavish the skin there with kisses. You only feel the metal against your skin for a second, but it makes you think about how it would feel against your naked skin. Would the cold make your hairs stand up on edge, and your nipples pebble? Or would it warm up to your temperature?

The thought makes your breath hitch, and your panties even wetter.

“There is no one here.” You say, quietly. “If you were to take off my shirt…”

“Oh, sweetheart.” Daemon grins, encouraging you to lean against the counter of the firing range. “You devious little thing.”

He drops to his knees in front of you, carefully taking your clothing off. You watch him move between your legs, helping you widen your stance. Daemon kisses a path from your ankles towards your knees, mouthing along as if having the finest of banquets. His kisses feel scorching against your skin, and you can’t help but jut your hips slightly, trying to command him into touching you.

Daemon smiles at you, cheekily. He then bites your inner thighs, scratching just enough to make you arch in pleasure-pain. When you are just about to hike one of your legs over his shoulder, he sucks your clit inside his mouth, and it’s then that you feel it. The cold barrel of the gun, pressing along your inner thighs.

You moan. Daemon laughs.

“You little whore.” It sounds fond. He eats you out without any finesse, slurping noisily. The thought of anyone else being able to overhear this makes you embarrassed, so you try to keep quiet. Your eyes close, hands squeezing around the edge of the counter.

Daemon is not trying to bring you any pleasure. His movements and touches are too methodical for it. He presses a finger inside your hole, then another. Then it is scissoring them and shushing you with soft licks to your clit when you complain at the slight sting.

Any pleasure you get out of it is incidental. Instead, Daemon is getting you ready for something. And this time, you know it’s not his cock. The thought fills you with dread and arousement in equal parts. How will it feel? Metal doesn’t give the same way flesh does. But the thought of having a gun, Daemon's, inside you, makes your hips jerk.

“Impatient, aren’t you?” He pulls away, reappearing from between your legs. “Fuck. I don’t know if I want to see your face or your greedy little hole when I put it inside.”

You look at him. His hair is sticking up in all directions, but his smile is absolutely ferocious.

“My face. Just in case…” You reach for his shoulder and squeeze, gently. Despite how arousing you think the whole thing is, you are still hesitant. Sometimes, things don’t feel as you imagine they would. You don’t want this to be disappointing.

Daemon seems to understand, despite the fact that you don’t verbalize it.

“I’ll talk you through it.” He says, kindly. He then spreads your folds a little and presses the tip of the gun against your hole.

You yelp. Your grip on his shoulder turns punishing. It feels pleasant, as penetration often does, but there is a foreign quality to it as well. The gun is wide, and metal doesn’t give as flesh does. You feel as if you are rooted tp the spot by it, being impaled with each inch Daemon presses inside you.

“You are doing so well. Good girl. My little girl.” He presses a kiss to your stomach. He keeps rubbing at your clit until you relax around the barrel. It’s only then that he attempts to fuck you with it. You clench at his shoulders, overwhelmed, and moan.

It’s confusing. The ridges of it feel good, catching against your hole. The metal slowly starts to warm up, not feeling as strange as before. Daemon keeps steadily sucking your clit.

The pleasure builds. So does your need. You start to move your hips along with his thrusting, trying your best to reach your orgasm. So of course, Daemon pulls away from your clit.

“You are taking it so well.” Daemon praises, voice husky with desire. “Your pussy swallows the gun right up.”

You moan, almost without realizing. You are so close it itches. But moving your hips up and down isn’t enough. You need more.

“Daemon, please.” You beg, near tears. Never before have you been this frustrated.

“Who would have known? You are such a hungry little whore.” Daemon smirks. The crudeness of his words makes you gasp. You feel smaller than you have ever felt, yet somehow, it makes you feel deliciously dirty. He is not wrong. It’s embarrassing, how you are humping the gun he holds, but you can’t stop. “You don’t think, you are so desperate you would fuck anything. Do anything, just to fill your greedy holes.”

“Please. Fuck.” You sob. Daemon licks his thumb and starts rubbing your poor, abused clit. He keeps fucking you with the gun, building you up and up, towards the orgasm you so desperately crave. You come with a scream so loud, you thank he has booked the whole place for only yourselves.

Turns out, you don’t hate guns as much as you thought.

[just-some-random-blogger]

I want Otto to spit in my mouth then call me a good girl as he proceeds to wrap his hand around my throat as he ruins me until I’m a bimbo cumdump and tells me that I’m his breedable little slut 😇 daddy kink is most included

A fic like this would be so amazing if you have any spare time 😭 daddy kink is up to you if you’re comfortable

My Lord

You adore getting in trouble, knowing what awaits you. But you fear you may have gone too far for roping in his son, Gwayne.

Otto Hightower x Reader | 1k+ | cw: fem!reader, sorry gwayne girlies he's only mentioned, age gap, you saw the ask this is just filth, smut (drunk sex, piv, degradation, choking, creampie), typos, etc.

A/N: anon be honest did you read my tywin fic and say 'yah, now do otto' cos HAHAHAHH

I feel like the room is closing in on me, and the ceiling was about to come into my face. There was no balance in my body, and yet somehow I was still upright.

"You stupid little girl."

I feel a pull on my arm, and the next thing I know I'm felled on the bed. I moan, happy to be on a soft surface. A few moments pass and I feel the bed dip in front of me. A hand comes to my nape and shoulder. Soon, I am sitting upright.

I smile when I see the beard and worry lines before me, "my loooove."

Otto pulls his face away when I reach for it. He pushes them down and brings a cup to my lips, "drink."

I do so ardently. I finish the whole cup of water. I gaze dotingly upon him when he pulls the cup away and wipes the corner of my lips. He sets the cup on the bedside table and I slide onto his lap. I press my face into his neck, "you smell good."

He recoils, trying to push me off, "and you smell like cheap mead."

It is a halfhearted attempt, which is why I manage to rake my fingers up his shoulders and tug at his collar. I pepper kisses on his neck, "smell so good."

Otto cannot keep his hands to himself; he brings his hands to my hips. He sighs, looking at me. He pulls his face back enough that I have to stop my ministrations. I whine in return. His brows tighten, "if you wanted me why waste my coin indulging debauchery with my son?"

I lick my lips and shift on his lap. I pull my skirt up and press my groin against his. He groans as I scratch my nails on his cheeks before cupping them, "I want to give you a son."

His expression immediately shifts. He stiffens, in more ways than one.

I roll my hips, "or 10."

With a heavy huff, I am pushed on my back and his legs knock mine open. I release a deep sigh as I pull my legs to my chest and reach into his coat, "Otto."

His response is pushing my skirt up and pulling my smallclothes down. My stomach drops when he presses his hot hands into the back of my thighs. His eyes are down turned, eyeing the glistening heat of my core. I look down at him but throw my head back when he rubs circles into my folds.

He moans at the sound, "you are a desperate harlot, aren't you?"

Before I can retort, he pushes his fingers into my mouth. I grab his wrist in surprise but suck them nonetheless. A line forms between his brows as I swirl my tongue around his digits. I nod to his question and he pulls his fingers away.

I prop myself on my elbows and watch as he frees himself from his breeches. He takes his half-hard cock and presses it against me, thrusting against my slick until it is coated and he's fully erect.

I try to grab him to guide him in, but he takes my hands and forces them by the side of my head. He looks down at me as he grinds, "you forget yourself. I should punish you for it."

I whimper and shake my head, "no, please. I'm a good girl."

"You are a stupid, fucking whore who does not listen to her lord liege," he stops grinding to grab my throat and the back of my knee. He pushes my head back and leans into my ear, "perhaps I should finish in your mouth, make you the true whore you are."

I feel my core flutter at the idea. I knew he would not let me peak though, and I so badly wanted to.

He begins to roll his hips, "mmm, I'm sure such a depraved act excites you."

"Please," I mumble.

"Please what, foolish thing?"

"Want you to fill me."

He takes a moment then sighs. I moan when he enters me and plays with my clit. His hand comes up to muffle my mouth and I happily whine into it. He pushes my thigh down again when he starts slowly bucking into me, "does my filthy come slut want me to breed an heir into her?"

I whine and grab his coat, knuckles turning white as I pull him into me.

He begins to thrust faster, "maybe then you'll stay away from my heir now that you have something better to do."

The flicking of his hips grows more intense with every stroke. The friction of his movements stimulates my sensitive nub, making me arch my back and groan.

He frees my mouth of his hand, only to bring it back down to my throat. He pushes himself up a bit and maneuvers more roughly, "I'll fuck you every night, watch my seed spill from your cunt-"

I cry out his name.

"-and once your belly swells, you'll remember the debauchery that made it so."

All the sounds that remained were that of fucking and my whining. Soon, the heat in my stomach burned hotter and hotter and I was dying for release. Otto rubs the sides of my neck and pants, "will you give me a babe like a dutiful come slut?"

I nod rapidly and whimper. His name falls desperately from my lips a couple times before I am overcome with my mind fogging peak. My body shakes in satisfaction and my body melts in hot passion. Soon, Otto grunts and releases into me. He makes sure to chase every bit of pleasure before slowly coming to a halt. He sighs and looks down at me.

He rubs my thighs a few times before pulling out. He watches me quiver as his seed seeps out of me, molten and thick. Otto tilts his head, "clean yourself up, whore. When I return, you better be asleep."

[ashprompts]

𝐆𝐀𝐌𝐄 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐑 𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒

a collection of sentence starters from dropout tv's game changer. feel free to alter pronouns/text as you see fit

“I’ve been here THE WHOLE TIME”

“It’s hard to hold this much anger in my body.” 

“If you never hear from me again, you know what to do!.”

“If they don’t find me it’s because I was chopped up and fed to the pigs!”

“I SOLVED YOUR LABYRINTH, PUZZLEMASTER. THE MINOTAUR’S ESCAPED, AND YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HORNS, BUDDY”

“I. CANNOT. WIN!!!!”

“A lot of people have been saying that ___ is a singularly evil, wildly incompetent, befuddled nepo baby silver spoon motherfucker. This is what people are saying.” 

“If you can do ONE swing on the swing I will let you play with all the math puzzles that you want” 

“You’re not getting a FUCKING JOKE OUT OF ME until you let me out of this room! You want bits?! You let me out of this room for bits, motherfucker!”

“Are we gonna die before we get outta here?” 

“I’m gonna lose so fucking hard it’s gonna blow your fucking mind”

“But in this sick rodeo, this bizarre fucked up clown festival, we’re here celebrating what I can only describe as the sickness at the core of America.” 

“Give me the assignment and I don’t miss. I’m gonna DIE before this is over.”

“Your tower’s gonna fall. Laugh it up now.” 

“A river of sweat is running down my back right now.”

“I do hate zombies and I will have nightmares about this tonight. But in this moment I just feel like I’m surrounded by friends.” 

“We don’t give a cum.”

“If you’re in a hole, DYING. I WON’T BE THERE.”

“I showed them my feet, [name]! I SHOWED THEM MY FEET FOR NOTHING?”

“Stop shaking your cock in the middle of a fucking huddle, dude!”

“I’d fuck that pie.”

“If you’re like me, you eat a lot of ass.”

“I hate capitalism but I also hate losing.”

“I get my tongue so far up somebody it’s like I’m tasting their tonsils. I get so deep in there I’m gonna burn myself with stomach acid.”

“I like perching like a little bisexual gargoyle”

“If you were performing on a subway I would take money away from you.”

“I’VE ONLY JUST BEGUN TO PULL THE THREAD ON THIS SWEATER.”

“Icarus flying too close to the sun, but it seems Daedalus our little mastercrafter over here had some WAX WINGS OF HIS OWN, didn’t he? Wanted to see his son fall, faaaalll from the sky, OH HOW CLOSE TO THE SUN HE FLEW”

“Hey can I get an ah? … Don’t scream at me.” 

“You kinda have the vibe that your kids call you by your first name.”

“The day I DON’T curse when a body falls from the sky, call somebody.”

“Could I place an order? I’m hungie. What do you think would be the best pizza to order if I’m quite hungie? Um, I like cheese, what is your largest pizza? Yeah let’s get an extra large because I’m hungie. I’m hungie, I’m hungie, I’m hungie.” 

“WE ARE NOT ANIMALS!!!”

“So long as I am on this stage and drawing breath, you can good and goddamn believe I’ll be trying my best in every challenge.”

“Was it bad that we just started smashing shit?” 

“You didn't count on INGENUITY did you motherfucker?!”

“FIGHT THE BOURGEOISIE. I WILL VENMO YOU $20.” 

“This could be hell. This is very Satre-esque.”

“YOU ARE NOT GOD. THE MACHINE IS GOD.”

“Can you tell us why you’d do this to us?”

“I won’t be made a fool”

“I do feel like I’m in a nightmare”

“I’m the only one OUT of the loop it seems”

“Everybody do the wenis! The wenis is a dance! Everybody is a genius! Who knows it in advance!” 

"DANCE IS A SIN!"

"You think I'm gonna fucking roll over?!"

"It'll be a COLD DAY IN HELL when I go out like a fucking chump!"

"I don't care about winning, I just don't wanna lose"

[makemeadoll]

✨Files Shared with Me!✨

I've been trying all videos sent to me by the friendly people of Tumblrville! 💖

I thought it might be a good idea to share them here so I don't lose them and also to help others find awesome stuff 💕

I'll be updating this list with files shared and also found by myself slow and steady, so we can all enjoy and share our thoughts! (Or mindless babbles hehe) #hypno files

I will mention those who shared or produced the files only if they explicitly share them on their blogs, or ask me to mention them privately (because privacy is now an important thing and we must play fair! ✨)

────────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──────────

Lovely Anon #2:

You Are Blank - Hypnosis Experience

• Makemeadoll Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Simply amazing! So soothing, and it does only what it says. It makes you BLANK. I don't even know if I was asleep or traveled to another dimension hehe

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Lovely Anon #1:

Compliance Loop 2.0

• Makemeadoll Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️½

Not a fan of B.S. and this one uses triggers from it. I felt good and it never mentions her, but it talks about "feeling like a bad girl" and I'm not into being punished, so of course I don't want my own mind making me feel bad for not doing something i'm not comfortable with.

Here to Obey - Miss Trancy

• Makemeadoll Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️½

It gave me the chills a little bit because I want to stay away from the B.S. world and this one sounded like those files right away, but I think it's fine. She's never mentioned in it.

30 Minute Mind Control Marathon: Can You Survive It?

• Makemeadoll Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Lovely but is meant to be listened while sitting down and I like laying down more so I couldn't follow a part of the video the first time.

Brainwashing Training Loop

• Makemeadoll Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I found this one on their blog. SO good! Well, it's just a lot of mantras we see all around hypno stuff... and it gets the job done! Got me so floaty and easy to drop after 😵‍💫 (listened while writing this, and after it stopped I still heard it in my head until I noticed I had closed it already!)

Daily Trance Loop

• Makemeadoll Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

OMG so soothing, so lovely, so simple and well made! Nothing complicated only listen and let mind be blank! 💖

Hypnosis: TRANCE TOY TRAINING

• Makemeadoll Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Caught my attention, dropped me so hard, I followed along mindlessly and the trigger made me almost burst! No words. Fav. 💖✨

[M4A] Pretty Doll in Bliss [Dollification] [IQ Reduction] [Obedience Training] [Mind Blanking] [Subliminals] [Binaural] [Mind Fuck] [Hypnosis] [Triggers] [Arousal]

• Makemeadoll Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️½

I liked it and I felt so good! Reinforcing my good doll triggers (even writing it got me hehe). I just don't like that it associates being doll with being stupid... 💔

Surrender

• Makemeadoll Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️½

Umm Tiffa struggled with the theme because it's all about slavery and I'm not a slave I'm a doll, but if you're into that the file is lovely and I was drippy and relaxed and heavy and obedient hehe, I just couldn't remember the new mantras cause I'm not a slave and they're very specific

Hypnosis: Spiral Pocket

• Makemeadoll Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️

I'm almost sure these files are Bambi files with "Bambi" swapped to "Toy" and also has themes of slavery in the background. The more my mind notices it the less they work on me. I couldn't even finish this one 🥺 but if you're into it, go ahead! 💕

Hypnosis, Binaural Beats, Subliminal Affirmations: Pleasure Slave Reinforcement

• Makemeadoll Rating: 🥺

Umm I cannot add a review because Doll is scared of slave files cause I am a doll not a slave hehe, but I'm sure it's great! I trust him a lot and gives me awesome files 🥰 Maybe try it and tell me what rating to give it by the public!

Doll Transformation Hypnosis (RAGDOLL///FREEZE///COMMADS)

• Makemeadoll Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Nice video! Thought I wasn't deep but then realized I really was! Hehe. It asks you to get up and pose and move and change outfit and comment and stuff so be prepared being seated and in your room hehe.

────────────────────────

@secretlytranced 💖:

Rain and Relaxing Wetness ;)

• Makemeadoll Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

She's lovely and amazing and she shares these files all made by herself on her blog. This one got me to mindlessly play with my tits while working 🤭

Be a Good Girl

• Makemeadoll Rating:

Homework 🤭

Sumbission

• Makemeadoll Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Makes me sooo suggestible and it gets lost sooo good as background noise that now when it rains I remember the conditioning thinking it's playing 💕

────────────────────────

Me!:

Mistress Calia's Click Trigger Erotic Hypnosis [F4A]

• Makemeadoll Rating ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Makes me feel good and it's the first file I found and listened to and it made me have a crazy hypno dream and basically started my journey with files 💖

[F4A] A New Video by Your Favorite Hypno YouTuber: Obedience Training [Hypnosis] [Brainwashing] [ASMR]

• Makemeadoll Rating ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ (+?)

I listened to this with a LOT of background noise, but I still managed to focus and suddenly I was out like a light. It's about "choosing" to become obedient, and even though I didn't like that much the way she spoke, I confess it WORKED.

{{Hypnosis}} Good Girl Trigger [Hypnosis] [Trigger] [Effects] [File For Females] [Obedient Effect]

• Makemeadoll Rating ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I think this one is very effective, but doesn't feel like it will be hehe. It's a hidden gem :)

────────────────────────

(There are more but I need to find them again first ☝️)

[emmawithtwoms]

Moving staircases

@wolfstarmicrofic day 12 - 696 words

Just as he thought he would have reached safety, Remus felt the stairs moving under his feet.

“Moony!”

Fucking moving staircases. 

“Moony, wait! Merlin, I’ve been trying to talk to you for the past ten minutes! Will you just stop running from me?”

“I’m not running”

“Oh so that was what? Walking rapidly?”

“Sirius, what do you want?”

The staircase was moving painstakingly slowly under their feet.

“I just wanna talk to you, you’ve been avoiding me for the past week! I wanna know what I did!”

“And then what, Sirius?! Pretend like nothing happened? Forget we talked about it like you do every single time? Act like you were drunk the night before just because you don’t want to face reality?!” 

“Moony…”

“Oh don’t ‘Moony’ me, asshole! Don’t pretend like you don’t know exactly what this is all about! Every single time you kiss me, and make me believe that finally, Finally you’re gonna do something about… about this! About us, about whatever the fuck is going on! But noooo. The great Sirius Black is too above feelings, too above ties to just fucking stop and realise how much he’s hurting other people! And I’m here like an idiot, falling for it every single time! Well, I’m tired, Sirius. I’m tired of being you fucking puppet, I’m tired of being you emotional punching bag, who you go to whenever the weight of hiding who you really are gets too much. I’m not gonna let you ruin me just because you’re too much of a coward to accept who you are.” 

“Remus, please. I-I didn’t mean to hurt you, I swear! It was never about you!” 

“Oh it wasn’t? Really? So why would you crawl back to me every time?”

“That’s not what I meant!” 

Sirius shot his hand up in an apologetic way

“I-I just don’t know how to deal with… this”

“With what, Sirius?” 

Did the fucking staircase stop?

“With you-Us! I don’t know what it means, I just know that when whatever it is gets too much, you’re the only person I want around! Moony I’m begging you to believe me! I never meant to hurt you.”

Remus could not stand to look at his face, even in the scene they were causing in the, fortunately, empty staircase, Sirius did not give any kind of answer to Remus, just more questions. 

“So I’m just a what? A distraction? A way to get some weight off your chest?”

“What? NO! Merlin Moony no, you’re more than that, you know it.”

“Do I? Realy? Then what am I, Sirius? I am tired of being your dirty little secret. I am tired of the glances, and the winks, and the flirting, and the secret hook ups that you never mention the following day!” 

“YOU’RE THE REASON I CANNOT STOP FAKING ANYMORE! Please Moony, I always thought I could have hanfìdled this… thing in me, but then you came along, and I knew I was done for. I cannot control myself when I see you. The thought of waking up and not being able to touch you, hold you, kiss you… I’m desolated Moony, I never meant to make you feel unworthy or dirty, it was all about me, I thought I was taunting you, infecting you with whatever I had, and the voices in my head made me feel disgusted with myself after every secret rendezvous. But the truth is that I want you, Moony, more than anything in the world, I’m begging you, just- just let me…” 

Sirius was gripping the marble handrail so hard that his knuckles were white, tears were starting to form in his eyes and he was gripping his chest with his left hand, desperate for Remus to just turn around and look at him. 

Slowly, oh so slowly, Remus turned to stare into Sirius’s eyes, red rimmed hazel staring into stormy gray.

“No more secrets, Padfoot. No more pretending and no more girls. If you want me, you have me, but you gotta take all of me.”

“Yes, yes Moony, everything, please.” 

And as Remus finally got close to Sirius, the boys could feel the staircase reaching the other landing.

[weebsinstash]

People keep asking me if I have any 'yandere Alastor vs. yandere Lucifer fighting over Reader' ideas, and I gotta say one of my favorite ones is uh

Ok so I just am trying to kick myself in the ass to write this in of itself, but, I really like the idea of Alastor just straight up tricking you into giving him your soul. "Oh what if Reader takes a deal from him" no what if he makes a deal for your soul and you don't even fucking realize what you're doing and it's completely unintentional. I'm talking, my specific idea, is that after a prolonged series of events where you both gain and then lose Alastor's respect, he then approaches you when you're just like DRUNK DRUNK and, you're being all social and slurring and honestly he's embarrassed for you but at least you're talking to him, and, he sets his trap: making it seem like just an innocent little game, Alastor suggests you two have some kind of drinking game, and the winner can take ANY ONE THING from the other, and he's even all "oh, you don't even have to bother yourself with thinking about it! I could simply JUST TAKE IT and not even inform you, so then you wouldn't even have to worry yourself about whatever it is I decided to... acquire for myself :)"

And here's your drunken delusionally confident ass, thinking YOU'RE gonna pull one over on HIM, YOU trick ALASTOR "oh haha there's definitely nothing I have he wants lol, what would he do, take my cellphone or some of my shitty clothes or collectibles, lmao, I'm gonna win and I'm gonna ask him for some sort of special power or cool thing or gossip, this is low stakes high reward for sure"

Cue you like IMMEDIATELY losing his challenge, and even then, you're all smiles and laughs, "aww, I thought I had you there! So what are you taking?" And he just "Ohhhh, nothing :) actually I... even already took it from you!" And he starts LAUGHING laughing and you're just like "oh, you bastard, you got me! >u< more drinks, yay!"

I like the idea that Reader wakes up the next morning STILL in compete ignorance but uh, eventually you find out exactly how terrifying having someone else own your soul is when Alastor gives you some sort of command of something you REALLY do not want to do and you can't even control your own body to stop yourself from doing it anyways. Just the... violations of privacy, the loss of autonomy. He can force every thought and secret out of your mouth, your head, and move your body to the best of its abilities, and also just, PLUCK you to his location at will

So. Lucifer finds you just absolutely BROKEN in bed, like emotionally devastated, you are as close to suicidal as you can be for someone who cannot die, and, maybe you've even self-harmed. And after some gentle prodding from the Devil, you reveal what Alastor did, but, even more than that, how it made you FEEL. Alastor had approached you as some kind of friend, then started to want to exert some kind of ... control over you, commenting on your lifestyle choices, wanting you to do things with him in HIS way, and then when you resisted, he acted like you were a disappointment, even stopped spending time with you, and THEN, after you thought he was done with you, TRICKS YOU into giving him YOUR SOUL. It's just completely destroyed your psyche. It's reinforced horrible things you've thought about yourself your entire life. It made you feel alone, and now, you don't even have your soul anymore

So naturally Lucifer is like, "That's horrible! I'm so sorry he hurt you like that, I won't let him do this!" AND JUST FUCKING UNDOES IT. Contract WHAT? Radio Demon WHO? this is HELL and Lucifer is, you know, THE DEVIL FROM UH, THE BIBLE, and he's just snapping his fingers and you FEEL your soul come back to you and now you're breaking down crying for entirely different reasons while Lucifer holds you

MEANWHILE ALASTOR, who is fucking off elsewhere, may or may not be lovingly gazing at whatever form your soul is taking within his grasp, HAS IT RIPPED AWAY FROM HIM AND STARTS LOSING HIS MIND. Some "Wait, what just happened? Ffffuck." shit for real, he's, abruptly jerking out of his chair so hard it's sliding across the floor and he's racing back to the Hotel. Charlie stands up for him and shouts down her father that he has no right to ask the Radio Demon to leave, but, Charlie "attempts" to give Alastor "a stern talking to" about how "friends don't take other friend's souls, taking other people's souls is not how we get into Heaven" which, of course, falls on deaf ears, but Charlie isn't the Morningstar Alastor is wanting to concern himself with

And of course, there's Lucifer, making sure he's standing close to you, maybe even between you and Alastor, standing in front of you protectively, MAYBE EVEN HOLDING YOUR HAND TO COMFORT YOU. Alastor just immediately putting two and two together what happened and all but grinding his teeth into dust. Not only has Lucifer interfered and taken something IRREPLACEABLE from him(which was something he took from YOU lol), but, Lucifer has driven a wedge between you ans the Radio Demon. Alastor is watching you regard him with nothing but anger and sadness and fear while clinging to the tiny fallen angel and just, ohhhh, if looks could kill, the staredown these two are having with each other over you...

You've got one yandere who had your soul within his hands and had it taken back before he even got to enjoy having it, didn't get to DO anything with it, and another yandere who, quite understandably, feels that it isn't safe to let you leave from under his protective wing, and BOTH of them are convinced you have to be protected from the other while ALSO being super powerful

You know, the perfect combination of dangerous abilities and dangerous minds :) obviously our favorite Appletini is the more powerful one, but I think our Bambi could give him a good run for his money through sheer trickery alone. If you thought it was annoying getting pulled into antagonistic musicals BEFORE--

[megs-1800]

Forever & Always

Summary: You and Mason have been broken up for 6 months. When you rekindle at a party, can you put your past behind you and can you overcome all the obstacles in the way?

Pairing: Mason Mount x Reader

Word Count: 7.5k

Warnings: Fluff, Angst, Swearing and Smut

I walk through my door and let the exhaustion hit me,  its been a week of hell at work and I am finally done for the weekend. I drag my feet through the hallway, and collapse as soon as I reach my bed. Hating myself for not leaving the heating on as its now ice throughout the flat on this winters night.

I tap my phone and see the time, its 9pm. I cannot believe I am getting home from work at this time. I was suppose to finish 4 hours ago but as usual everything is left to me. I haven’t even eaten dinner, I haven’t eaten all day at that. I fight with my head whether I want to make dinner or if I want to sleep. I finally agree that sleep it is, I force myself to get ready for bed as I insist on not sleeping with my makeup on. As I crawl into bed and put Netflix on, I can feel myself start to drift off that’s when my phone bings. As I tap the screen I see the text message from Paige “ Hiya Babes, I will pick you up from the train station at 11am. I cannot wait to see you!!!! I cannot wait to celebrate my birthday with you xx”. There goes my lie in, I thought, its like a 3 hour train journey to get to Manchester so nice early start for me, but quickly reply explaining that I cannot wait to see her too.

Paige is dating some kind of famous DJ, I met her at a party a couple of years ago. Her boyfriend Jason is close with the England squad so Mason always got invited to his events and parties. When Mason and I moved to Manchester, I got really close with Paige. Even since I moved back home after me and Mason broke up she was my biggest support and always stayed in touch. Due to this I agreed to come stay the weekend down at Manchester for her birthday. She is having a big birthday party that Jason is arranging. I just got to figure out how I am going to see Mason again.

We broke up 6 months ago, it absolutely shattered me. We had been dating for little over 2 years, it was a silly fight. We should of never broken up but both of us could not admit we were wrong. Mason let the stress of United get to him, and with all the injuries. I did my best to support him but he became massively distant. Due to my job, I wanted to separate my life with Mason, so people close to us knew about us but the media never knew. He always ensured to take photos of me with my face hidden. That’s when the media released that photo of Mason hugging some bird outside a nightclub. He always denied it, but where he was so distant I really thought it could be true. We had a massive argument about this and that’s when Mason accused me of cheating with one my colleagues that I had gotten close to. I tried to assure him I only wanted him and nothing more but I guess we just didn’t trust eachother. I can feel the tears in my eyes remembering that night, we both were screaming at eachother.

The next thing I know I am being woken up to my alarm, I quickly shower and get ready to leave. I can feel the cold air hit me as I walk out the train station. I quickly spot Paige standing next to her car waving at me. “y/n over here” I hear her shout, I quickly jog over to her and wrap her up. “Omg babes I have missed you so much. So tell me y/n/n whats new?”. I put my bags in the back and get in her car and we have a catch up. We go out for brunch and do a little shopping before her party. I found this dress whilst we were out, it was a tight black dress that stopped just below the bum. It was covered in lace which gave it a little detail, I never normally wear a dress like this but I wanted to impress tonight. As I walk out the changing room I can see Paige eyeing me up and down, “oh yasss y/n/n you gotta get that! You look fit as fuck. No one is going to be able to keep their hands or eyes off you.” I giggle at her reply, “well I do not want to outstage the birthday girl”. Paige shoots me a smile and rolls her eyes “as if anyone is going to ever outstage me” she laughs, I always loved her confidence.

We get ready, I pair my new black dress with a pair of red bottoms louis Vuitton’s that Mason got me when we first got together. I curled my hair and put on subtle make up. I never wore too much. Paige had a gold strappy maxi dress on covered in glitter, she had her hair curled also, she looked breathtaking. That’s when her boyfriend Jason walked through the door and stopped when he saw Paige “Damn look at you girl!!!!” and gives her a kiss. He then turns to me “you look lovely too y/n, thank you for coming” I give him a smile and thanked him for inviting me.

We turn up to the venue and people start filtering in, I feel very out of place as most of these women are famous or dating someone famous so they all look incredible. I quickly see one of Paige’s friend Jade who was her childhood friend which I get on well with so I quickly stand next to her and have drinks with her. I am scanning the room watching everyone coming, its nice to see Paige having such a good time. My eyes quickly stopped when I saw him, no he cannot be here. I cannot believe Mason is here. We quickly catch eyes and I now wish I could read minds, I am wondering what he is thinking?

Mason’s POV

I didn’t want to do go out, I have struggled to be social ever since me and y/n broke up, I do not know why I let my ego get in the way. I was just struggling with the move to Manchester and all the hate I was getting so I took it out on you. We were just constantly arguing, I never wanted to break up I just wanted the arguments to stop.

I am glad I came, it looks lively and good vibes throughout. Its Jason’s girlfriend Paige’s birthday and we all know Jason could throw a party. I am jamming with Dec and a couple of the other guys from the England squad. A lot of them came on their own without their girlfriends. Probably trying to pull I think I don’t get how they can have a perfect women at home and still trying to pull more. I could never of done that, I was always loyal. Me and y/n kept our relationship quiet as didn’t want the press to talk, I was trying to protect her in that way. But I would never even think of getting with another women, in my eyes y/n was always perfect. That’s what hurt me about that argument, we had a fight before I went out to the club you were feeling insecure and wanted me to stay home. Now all I wish is I stayed home, but I met Rachel in the club she was an agent of one the guys that I played with, nothing happened and we were just chatting about my move to Manchester. I went to walk her to her taxi and hugged her goodbye. I know it looked bad but nothing happened, I could swear on that.

My mind is taken out of my day dreaming as Dec is asking me questions trying to engage me in the conversation. I am laughing away trying my hardest to put myself into the conversation, that’s when I see her. My eyes meet her, I can feel my heart beating erratically. This cannot be real, am I imagining this?. That’s when you smile and put your head down and walk away towards the bar. I cannot believe you are here. I knew you are Paige were close when you were in Manchester but I wasn’t sure if you would stay in touch.

I keep watching you the whole night, I feel like a stalker. I can see peoples eyes on you too, I cannot blame them you look out of this world. The dress compliments your body perfectly and the way your hair curls around your face. Damn makes me realise what I have lost. I wonder if you have moved on? I wonder if you have slept with anyone since? I know I have slept with a couple of girls but that was just me trying rebound to get over you, but the thought of someone else being intimate like that with you makes me feel physically sick.

Dec turns my attention back to him “why don’t you just go talk to her instead of staring at her all night its getting creepy?”. I laugh at his comment, “I don’t even know what to say Dec, she looks so beautiful I don’t even know what to say”. I can see the pity in his eyes “Well maybe go over there and be like y/n I love youuuu so much and haven’t stopped talking about it since we broke uppppp so I think we should just start dating again”. Dec joked I laughed and rolled my eyes but I am really not in the mood for joking.  

With that I make my way over the bar, I can feel my heart beating in my chest which is getting faster the closer I get to you. You spot me and follow me with your eyes as I walk upto you. You look down all shy, but I can see the small smile creepy over your face. “What can I get you? The usual?” I offered trying to break the ice. “Sounds good thank you”.

I quickly wave the bartender over and order you a double vodka and lemonade and got myself the same, you quickly made a comment about it being a double but I hoped the alcohol will calm the nerves. You so amazing I do not know what to say. I am about to open my mouth to see if you wanna go somewhere a little more quiet to chat when this guy approaches.

He snakes an arm around your waist that makes you jump but I see you settled into his arms, obviously recognising who he is. He then looks at me, he was a colleague of yours, when we had our big fight when you accused me of cheating with that Rachel, I accused you of cheating with him. I knew he had a massive crush on you it was obvious by the way he spoke to you. What was he doing here?

“See I told you I would make it baby” he turns you around so you are facing him completely ignoring me. “Damn look at you! You look fucking sexy! I cannot wait to undress you later”.  He quickly pulls you in for a deep passionate kiss. I can see you pushing him away, you have never had a problem with PTA with me, you always loved me kissing and hugging you so I am assuming you are just not comfortable with the situation. I am not really impressed with his comment, yes I agree you look bloody incredible but I hate hearing others say that, it doesn’t sound right.

I am in shock, you are here with the guy you told me not to worry about. Did you cheat? Was I right. I quickly walked away from the situation, I cannot let myself get hurt again. It killed me when we broke up I cannot go through that again. I shoot you a smile, and I think I hear you say thank you for the drink but it was inaudible. I make my way back to the table with Dec and the boys. “That didn’t look good.” Dec tried to console me. “I just cannot believe she has actually moved on mate I guess I just loved her more then she loved me.” I sound defeated which I guess I am. One of the boys on the table I do not recognise butted in “Damn look at this peace of ass, what I wouldn’t give to get onto that”. I know he is referring to you, I shoot him a death look, I hate when people disrespect you like that. He isn’t wrong, you have got a sexy ass but you are so much more then that.

Your POV

I cannot believe Daniel is here, I didn’t even really invite him he took it the wrong way. Me and Daniel aren’t really together well not officially. He took me out for dinner, and we slept together and since then he thinks we are a couple. I am not ready for that, I am still no way over Mason yet. Seeing him there was what I needed, I need to speak to him, I need him to know how I feel. I made a comment to Daniel in the week about going to Paige’s birthday and how I was worried about seeing Mason. I was confiding in a friend and he took that as I needed him here apparently.

I quickly explain to Daniel that I need some air, and that I will be up soon. He is already socialising with others at that party so didn’t seem to bothered. I went outside and lit up a cigarette, I let my heart stop racing as I inhale the nicotine. As I take another large pull that’s when I see Mason emerge from the door, I suddenly start chocking. Mason laughs and passes me a bottle of water. “I have seen you have had quite a lot tonight so here, you will thank me for this in the morning.” I smile and thank him, I get butterflies in my stomach. Why does he have to be so nice.

He then turns to the cigarette in my hand, “you really shouldn’t be smoking that. It will kill you, you know.” I roll my eyes but quickly put the cigarette out. “Well I am not really your problem anymore Mase, so I wouldn’t worry.”

At that Mason looks annoyed, “yeah you are now that Daniel’s problem” he snapped. I can sense a little jealously in his voice. “Well I am a single girl Mason I can do what I want”. I can sense Mason’s demeanour change. “Yeah and apparently that means dating your co-workers that you told me not to worry about!”. Mason’s voice has now gotten raised and I can see some people outside listening to our conversation, I am not sure if they are press or not but Mason doesn’t seem to care.

“Whats that suppose to mean Mason?!” I am now starting to raise my voice to match Mason’s tone.  “How long have you been together?” Mason demanded. “If you are asking if I cheated on you Mason then no. We are not even together, we went out for one dinner, got way to drunk and slept together and now he thinks we are an item. We are not official Mason, but you know what I do not need to justify anything to you! You are the one who left as you couldn’t tell your ego you was wrong. So you know what go FUCK YOURSELF MOUNT!” which I shouted the last part and I stormed back inside leaving Mason in my tracks. I can see some camera’s flashing in the distance which may be paps which I know Mason will be really unimpressed with especially as we have just caused a scene.

As I stormed through the club, I spot Daniel. He is sitting there with a girl on each arm. I am not jealous not by a mile but I need to make a point with Mason. When he spots me he waves me over and introduces me to his new girls. Chances are he is going home with both of them later. He is a massive ladies man, I swore I would never sink so low to ever date a guy like Daniel that’s why I was so annoyed I agreed to dinner and allowed myself to get that drunk to sleep with him. I just wanted to get over Mason and I thought that would help but just seemed to make it worse. He acts like we are a couple at work and all that but will still go out with other girls at the weekend, its mad I know but we have no label so I cannot really moan.

“I need you”. I moan seductively into his ear. He looks confused at me and quickly explains to the girls he is with he will come and find them later and shoots them a wink. “Does that mean us is still on the table”. He looks me up and down like I am so kind of meat which makes me roll my eyes. That’s when he looks over my shoulder and sees me give Mason a look, “aww I got ya. Wanna make him jealous! I am all up for putting on a show!”. That I appreciate Daniel for, not many questions asked and he is always on board.

The rest of the night I spend dancing with Daniel, we are putting on a show all right. I can see so many eyes on us. Even Paige has mentioned that we need to get a room which makes me giggle. I am watching Mason the whole time, I have my back to Daniel as he guides my hips to the music grinding my ass into him but my eyes are locked with Mason. I can see the anger in his eyes, damn I am making him jealous. I can see him getting more and more worked up. I turn towards Daniel so we are facing eachother and we continue to dance as I can feel his hands on my ass as we deepen the kiss. I cannot see Mason’s face but I am assuming whatever I am doing is working, as I break the kiss with Daniel and turn around Mason is gone. I am guessing he cannot take the show any longer.

I whisper into Daniel’s ear that I am going to pop to the loo, as I am finished and walking back to the dance floor. I feel someone grab my waist and drag me to the side, I go to scream but I feel a had around my mouth and as I turn around I see its Mason. I quickly push him off of me. “What the hell are you doing? Do not touch me!” I shout, clearly the double vodka’s are kicking in as I do not know where I got this confidence from.

“What you want me to do just sit around all evening watching you dance with that guy, watching his hands all over you and not do anything. I know you were doing it to make me jealous, okay y/n you won! Now come on lets go home!” He comes closer to me and backs me into the wall so I am blocked in and have no where to go. I can feel his breathe on my neck which is giving me goosebumps. “Who said I was doing it to make you jealous?! I was just dancing with him, having fun?” I say cheekily, I know exactly what I was doing.

“Come on y/n/n, stop acting all innocent. I know that was all a show. You have had one too many too drink and acting all confident, okay its worked y/n I admit it now cut it out. We both know you are going to be coming home with me at the end at the night so why don’t we just cut it short and I will order a taxi now?”. At this we are stood face to face, I cannot deny him anymore, I grab the back of his neck and pull him in.

I can feel his tongue fighting for entrance which I give him, and we deepen the kiss. I can feel his hand on my bum as he pull himself closer to me. I can sense the urgentness of the kiss for us both, we needed eachother now.

Once we pull away for air, Mason is staring at you to say what is next? I explained that I needed to say goodbye to Paige and then I would meet him downstairs. Mason nodded and explained he needed to say goodbye to the boys. As I walk back into the party I see Daniel already moving onto another girl who he is dancing away at, I wave and mouth that I am leaving which he blows me a kiss and waves me goodbye. I eventually find Paige and explain that I am leaving, she forces out of me where I am going which she squeals with excitement and said for me to ring her in the morning and tell her everything which I agree.

Once downstairs I see Mason is already there, he explains that he has called a taxi but thinks it will be good if we get in separately to prevent further paps seeing anything. Once the taxi arrives he tells me to wait there and puts his jacket around my shoulders and says the taxi will do a lap round the block and then I can get in, “ring me if there is any issues. I mean anything y/n I will be like 5 mins”. I nod and the cold air is suddenly hitting me. I can feel the alcohol now having an effect on me.

Before I know it the taxi has done its lap and waiting outside for me. I quickly run and jump in the taxi hoping to warm up as I am now freezing. Once inside the taxi Mason and I cannot keep our hands off eachother, trying to remember eachothers bodies and we are fighting for air. We pull up outside Mason’s house before I knew it. I sense of anxiety suddenly rushes over me when I realise that it used to be our house.

I walk inside slowly and Mason can sense something is wrong, “whats up? You having second thoughts?” I shake my head as believe me the only thing I know right now is that I need Mason but it just feels weird being here. “I just cannot believe the last time we were both stood here together was that night. It just all feels a bit to real now”. I didn’t even know I was crying until Mason quickly wrapped his arms around me and used his thumb to wipe away my tears. “We don’t have to do anything you know. If you not comfortable, its fine honestly.”

I shake my head and give him a malicious smile, and attack his lips again. I know he needs me as much as I need him. We continue to remember eachothers bodies still standing in the entrance hall, we start to discard the clothing and Mason leads me up the stairs still not breaking the kiss. Before I know it we reached the bedroom and Mason throws me onto the bed and jumps on top, we continue to kiss and I can feel myself getting wet just by the anticipation of whats to come.

Mason starts to kiss down my body and puts my nipple in his mouth as he plays with the other one through his fingers. I try to supress the moan but I can’t. “Don’t be quiet baby, I wanna hear you.” Which makes me moan louder. He comes up and continues to kiss me, he bites my lip and then I go to his neck leaving a love bite as he continues to grind into me. I can feel how hard he is getting.

He reaches down to take my underwear off, and starts to play with my folds. He puts a finger slowly into me which makes me moan into his neck. “Damn someone is wet”. I can see the cocky smile on his face knowing the effect he has on me. “Well I cannot help what you do to me Mount”. Mason lines himself up with your core and places himself on top of you, as he slowly thrusts in the sudden change in size makes me whimper. “Fuck y/n that feels so good. I forgotten how fucking good that pussy feels”. He gives me a minute to adjust to his size and then starts to move, I cannot suppress the moans that are escaping my mouth and that is just encouraging him more. “Fuck Mason, harder please” I need him to destroy me tonight. Mason agrees with my demand and starts pounding me. “Go on baby cum for me, I know you want to. Come on I wanna feel that pussy cum all over this cock”.

The sound of Mason dirty talking me is edging me closer, Mason then hits the spot and I cannot contain it anymore and cum all over his dick. I am seeing stars trying to hold onto the duvet for dear life as I am coming down from high. “Uh right there y/n, fuck you are so perfect”. I feel his dick twitch as he reaches his high, luckily he pulls out just in time and cums all over my chest. He rolls over as we both lay there breathless. I am the first one to speak “fuck I forgot how good our sex is”.

Mason looks over at me and giggles knowing the affect he had on me, “I had to give you something, you looked breathtaking all night. I had to make you remember why you were mine”. I am giggling along with him still coming down with my high. We quickly run to the bathroom and get cleaned up. “You hungry baby girl?”

I nod agreeing, he looks at his phone and turns to me “Carlos’ is still open you fancy sharing a pizza. I think carbs will be good for you to soak up the alcohol.” The thought of Carlos’ makes me mouth water the pizza was my favourite. “Its like you read my mind Mount”. Mason began making the order on his phone.

As he is doing this I am lying in bed with one of his tops on scrolling through my feed, that’s when a news article catches my eye. Mason Mount Caught Arguing Outside Club With Mystery Women Just Days After His Date With Girlfriend VS Model Jennifer Green. My mouth drops, he has a girlfriend What The Fuck.

Mason can see that the atmosphere has suddenly become tense, “everything okay?” Mason asked. I don’t even know I am still in shock, I cannot believe it. I turn my phone around which Mason grabs a quick glance at the headline. He looks down “y/n I can explain its not what you think”. I am not even listening to what he is saying as I quickly see a pair of his joggers on the floor which I put on as I just need some clothes to leave as quick as I can. “There is nothing to say Mase, you used me to get what you want. Well you got it enough said, I just cannot believe I was that stupid”. I spat that last part defeated. I cannot believe I let Mason hurt me like that again. “Don’t call me Mason we are done”.

I can hear him shouting after me as I am walking out his house, but I just keep walking to make sure I do not give in. I cannot believe I let him get that close to me again.

The next couple of days have been back to normal, work has been non-stop stressful. Paige keeps messaging me asking what happened between me and Mason which I cannot bring myself to actually admit what happened so I just keep dodging the question. I blocked Masons number and on socials as he kept ringing and messaging me. I have been cheated on before and he knows that, how can he make me the other women? I feel awful I cannot believe he put me in the situation.

I am curled up on the sofa, it’s the first time in weeks I am actually home from work at a reasonable time. I am in my pyjamas all wrapped up in a blanket watching Netflix when I hear a knock at my door. I am so confused to who it can be here at this time. I quickly go to open it, shocked to see Mason standing there in the rain. I try to shut the door but he pushed the door preventing me from closing it. “Please y/n, I have drove nearly 3 hours. Standing in the rain, at least let me come in and explain myself please”. You give in as he has come a long way and its raining you do feel bad.

You walk him through the flat, so you are in the living room. “Do you want a drink or anything? I have your clothes that I went home in the other day if you wanna get changed out of the wet clothes?” As much as I am angry with him right now, I hate how much I care.

“I am alright, I am only wet from the run from the car. But I will take a cup of tea please.”  I nod and quickly make us both a cup of tea and settle on the sofa next to him.

“Thank you for letting me in, you blocked me on everything I have been trying to ring you. I need to explain myself it is not what you think.”

I roll my eyes, “what do you mean its not what I think. You have a girlfriend Mason and then let me sleep with you. You made me the other woman. You know I have been cheated on before, I know how it feels how could you make me do that! I hate you for that Mason” my voice is becoming a little raised and I am trying to focus on keeping it low. As I really do not want a fight right now.

“Please do not say you hate me y/n/n please. Honestly its not what you think just give me a chance to explain”. I can see the hurt in his voice so I let him continue. After all he did come a long way, “go on then Mase, explain”.

I can see the relief on my Mason’s face that I am letting him continue and not shutting him down, “thank you. Look we are not together, she isn’t my girlfriend.” I nod, but the problem is I have head that so many times before. “Have you been out with her?” Mason nods but stays silent, “have you slept with her?” He lowers his head like he is embarrassed and nods again, still remaining silent.

“Well then Mase, it seems like a bit of a relationship to me.” Mason is playing with the cup in his hands not making eye contact with me. I can see he is thinking of his next words carefully. “Y/n/n its not what you think, I was a mess after things ended I wasn’t doing anything promotion related I only left the house if it was training or games and even then my head wasn’t in it. Management thought it would be good idea if I was spotted with Jennifer. Her management team agreed thought it would be good publicity for her also to be spotted with a footballer. We spoke over the phone a little, it was nice to take my mind of you for a little if I am being honest. We went out on a couple of dates, which the paps were always called which we assumed were our management teams. It was all staged none of it was real”.

I am trying to process what Mason is saying, but something doesn’t add up. “Okay Mase, I understand the whole dating thing. So why did you sleep with her, there were no paps during that so no one would know so that didn’t need staging. So I guess that means you just wanted to have sex with her?”

I can see Mason knows I got him there, “I don’t know baby, honestly I don’t know. We went out for dinner and I don’t know it just happened. I thought of you the whole time though”. He says the last part softly. I can see he is not enjoying this conversation.

“Of course you did”. I said sarcastically and rolled my eyes. “How many people did you sleep with since we ended?” I asked, I can see he is taken back by this question, he is quick to respond with a snarky comment. “what kind of question is that? How many people did you sleep with?” he was becoming defensive.

I laughed at him “1.. I slept with one person Mase. Daniel, and that was after a bottle worth of vodka. I instantly regretted it in the morning. Your turn!” Mason looks down like he doesn’t want to answer. “5, I slept with five people. Including Jennifer. None of them compared to you though. Honestly y/n you are the best person I have ever had sex with, you are the only person I want to have sex with. Everytime I was them, I was imagining it was you.”

“Of course you did Mason, you are telling me you had a Victoria Secret model on top of you and you are sitting there imaging it was me. Fuck off Mase how gullible do you think I am?!”. Mason shuffles closer to me on the sofa and places his hand on my thigh. “Y/n you are the most sexiest women I have ever met and ever been with. Your body is incredible and you are just so beautiful inside and out. Believe me, you are the only women I want to have sex with again. You are the only one it means something with.”

I can feel the tears rolling down my face, I cannot help it. Mason looks at me sympathetically, and holds my head in his hand using his thumb to wipe away the tears as they roll down my face. He places a slow soft kiss to my lips, I kiss him back. He is like air to me, I just cannot help but breathe him in. “I know you have driven a long way Mase, but I need time. We were toxic Mason when we moved to Manchester, it all got way too much. That fight you just walked away as if I meant nothing, it was a silly fight it never should of happened but instead of staying and fighting for us you walked away like it was the easiest thing to do, like I meant nothing to you. Then to lead me on and everything and then to find out you got a girlfriend its not fair Mason. I deserve better than that.”

“I know you do y/n, you deserve so much better. I promise you, if you want to work on this again I will do so much better. I will be the guy you need me to be. I promise to always fight for us just please give me this chance.”

His words are good, but I just generally do not know where my head is at anymore. “So whats going to happen between you and that Jennifer”. He lets out a deep breathe “we are not together y/n/n I can ring her right now and prove it if you want? Honestly if you want me then I will tell my management team that we are back together and Jennifer will be out of my life I promise. Just please baby girl, I will beg if that’s what you want just please. I cannot be without you.”

My head is all over the place, I just do not know what to do. “I know you want an answer right now Mason but I cannot give you that. I am sorry you cannot ambush me and make such a life changing decision without taking the time to make a decision. So you need to give me time, but I promise I will think about it.”

“That’s all I wanted to hear thank you. I will leave you be. Just please consider us again. I love you more then anything y/n. Forever and always”. That was always our saying forever and always. We used to message eachother that all the time, after every fight that’s what we used to say when making up. It was our saying. I lean into Mason and kiss his lips, it’s a slow kiss but he deepens the kiss, trying to gain access with his tongue which I allow. I grab the back of his head pulling him closer, I can feel his hands on my hips. There is nothing more that I want right now then to continue but we can’t. If we do this it will make the decision even harder. I quickly pull away. “Sorry I got a little carried away, I just can’t help myself when I am around you”. He makes me blush.

Mason sees himself out, and places a small kiss to my lips. I just wish I knew what I need to do.

Masons POV

I haven’t heard from y/n since I went round that night, I messaged you once I was home and realised that you unblocked me, I thought that was progress but all the messages I sent to you, you read but never replied so maybe there wasn’t progress.

It was my birthday today, I woke up to a message you from you “Happy Birthday Gorgeous boy! Have the best day ever!! Get spoilt rotten”. I smile at this message out of everyone I wanted to speak to today it was you. I just wish I could see you. My family are down and me and Lewis are going golfing this morning then having dinner with my family later which will be nice. I am grateful for this, but part of me really hoped that I would see you.

We pull into the driveway as me and Lewis return home after our golf day. The house is silent and dark which is unusual as I know my family are there. Something is wrong I thought. As I open the door the lights suddenly flick on and everyone jumps out: SURPRISE!!! Everyone shouts. Bless them they have thrown me a surprise party. I am hugging everyone and thanking them for coming, it’s a mixture of friends and family and team mates. That’s when I see you. No it cannot be, am I seeing things.

I quickly walk over to you, you spot me coming up to you. You give me a big smile, “Surprise birthday boy!” I quickly embrace you in my arms to make sure you are real. “What are you doing here?” I am so confused as to what you are doing here and why didn’t you tell me you were coming.

“Your mum rang me.. she said you told her about everything that happened between us recently. She said ‘he wouldn’t want to pressure you but I know he would love to see you’, then she persuaded me saying they all wanted to see me and told me about a surprise party and you know I had to be a part of that.” I grab you by your waist and embrace you in my arms, I stand there a little longer then maybe we should just staring into your eyes. I place a kiss to your lips, I love how soft they are. “People are staring Mase”, I giggle “well let them stare” and I continue to kiss you. “come on I will introduce you”. I grab your hand and make my way around the party, I love holding your hand and talking to people with you, it feels like old times again it feels real.

People start to leave the party as its finishing, I haven’t left your side the whole time. I turn to you, “please tell me you are staying the night I cannot think of you being in Manchester and not falling asleep with you on my birthday”. You give me a smile, I can even see a sparkle in your eyes “of course I am Mase, I promised your family I would stay and spend your birthday with you so I do not break a promise. I am just going to run upstairs quickly and get changed into something more comfy I need to get out of these heals and dress”. I know how much you love your comfies, chances are you are probably going to come downstairs wearing something that belongs to me.

I find my family sitting in the front room, “Thank you” I say, they look at me confused but my mum catches on to what I am saying. “We have no idea what you are talking about” she is trying to play dumb. Lewis then buts in “you really think we wouldn’t hear about it for the rest of the year if we throw you a surprise party and didn’t invite her”. I give him a bro hug, I appreciate them all for this, I know it was a rocky start with them getting on board with y/n as she wasn’t famous they were worried that you were after my fame and money, but after they met you and got to know you they loved you, they knew you didn’t care about all that and just wanted me. My mum then speaks up “just do us a favour Mase, if she allows you back which if I were her I probably wouldn’t but we can all see how much she loves you. So if she does do not break her heart again, you always fight for that girl. You got a keeper there”. I thank my mum and quickly give her a hug as y/n walks in and we try to act normal but she can probably tell we are talking about her.

We spend the rest of the evening all curled up in the living room, having a couple of drinks and a laugh. You are curled up in my arms with your legs wrapped underneath you so you can be closer to me which I am not complaining. Everyone confirms they are going to go to bed and we discuss plans for tomorrow. “shall we go up?” I ask you. “I am actually really cold, I am going to run a bath, do you want to join me?” I smile as if there is any other answer to that question apart from yes, and I run up the stairs behind you.

I watch as you run the bath, and wrap your hair into a clip so it doesn’t get wet and watch you slowly underdress. Your body is unreal, I know you have never been the most confident but in my eyes you are the most perfect women. I slowly get into the bath, which you come and sit inbetween my legs. I am slowly running my hands up and down your arm which I can feel the goosebumps. “Well not that I am complaining sitting here like this with you, but you haven’t made a decision”. I hear you laugh as if I have just said the most silliest thing in the world. “Of course I am taking you back Mase its always been you, there will never be anyone else, its always you. Forever and always.” You turn your head to give me a kiss which I reciprocate. “Forever and always baby girl.”

“Hold on stay there” I reach out the bath and grab my phone. “Stay right there” I take a photo of you, your back is turned so no one can see anything apart from your bare back and your hair in a clip and your face is to the side so your whole face isn’t in it. “What are you doing?” I hear you ask confused. “Socials.. now that I am not single everyone needs to know. Don’t worry your face isn’t in it. Unless you want it in it, I have no problem telling the world you are mine”. I see you smile at this. “The photo is fine Mase, I like how it before I do not need all your crazy fan girls coming for me” which we both laughed at this. “I love you y/n” you turn to face me again “it will never be the amount that I love you”.

I added the photo to my socials with the caption “Best birthday present ever getting you back. #foreverandalways.”

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

thoughts on fanfiction, perfectionism, and being enough

I'm pretty sure I'm ill and half-asleep and the Good Omens fandom has destroyed my last tenuous grasp on reality, but I am making a post anyway not knowing what I'm going to say. Because that's what this site is for, is it not?

*holds out hand* *waits for you to take it* Hey, you know, you're never going to be done. You're never going to look at something you made and think it's perfect. It's never going to be enough. It's okay to stop and it let it be imperfect. The earth didn't just birth life into just the right conditions, it made creatures which evolved and went extinct, ice ages which ended, volcanos that destroyed life and volcanos that preserved cities for millennia. It made jagged rocks that would be smoothened by rivers and stomachs that would hunger, rivers that would flood and rivers that would run dry.

Create imperfect things and give them to the world. Let the world create from it in turn in an endless cycle. Like Milton on the Bible, like BBC with Sherlock Holmes, like anyone writing fanfiction of their favourite show... Let your creation be imperfect, so you can see all the million ways in which people try to perfect it. All the million ways in which perfection can exist. That's the beauty of fandoms and fanworks. It keeps the creation evolving, keeps it breathing and alive. It becomes the work of a million people, and carries their stories with it in a little back pocket.

And maybe we were made to be imperfect too. Our hair tangles just to be brushed, our arm itches just to be scratches, our hand clenches just to be held and unclenched. There are odd shapes that make us up but they fit in with everyone else's, in handshakes, in bridal carries, in a parent lifting a child, a rescue worker lifting a victim, a girl kissing her wife, a child hugging his toy, a person holding their hands in prayer or in pain.

I'm trying to remind myself of that, because it's so easy to keep wanting more, to believe that there will be a point at which I will be satisfied with what I have done. Even in this fandom, I look at my ridiculous summaries I accidentally wound up making, and look at someone's beautiful meta blog and I feel like shrinking a little bit. But in real life, I'm a designer and an artist, a reader and poet and songwriter, and someone who has been a writer the past eight years, if not all my life. Have I done enough to qualify for any of these roles? Who knows? It shouldn't matter to me, and it shouldn't matter to you, whatever you love doing or are doing.

It will never be enough, you will never be enough for yourself. Can we try to make peace with that little gap in ourselves that acts like a vacuum to keep sucking in more and more effort and things? It'll never be filled. That's okay.

*squeezes your hand before letting go* Isn't it amazing how imperfect and fucked up we all are? Isn't it beautiful that we don't have to sit and stare at statues we cannot touch, but we get stone that we can keep carving all we like? That creation starts with imperfection? I don't know if I'm making sense anymore, the medications are kicking in and my eyes are closing. But I love all of you, everyone who is a maggot and everyone reading this post, too.

Take this *holds out a seashell* it's pretty and it's broken and the animal that made it his home changed it, the sea changed it, and I hope you change it, too. That's all.