#but i can only make myself do one fucking thing rn and its the least relevant thing where the deadlines are negotiable. why

[pmbueckers]

— for evermore

chapter one ‘tis the damn season by taylor swift

pairing – paige bueckers x fem oc!dorothea greene

summary – they’ve been at it since highschool, this back and forth, but what happens if and when paige and thea finally realize this hometown situationship might be worth something more?

word count – 3.7k

warnings – idgaf abt punctuation, language

links – masterlist , series masterlist

authors note – find all the information abt this fic with the link above! tried my very best to line it up with the ttds lyrics but giving it my own twist/meaning. it makes sense to me but thats coming from a chronic swiftie so idk if its gonna be confusing for others or not.. pls lmk but be nice lol

dorothea greene pov, december 2023

if i wanted to know who you were hanging with while i was gone i would have asked you 

its been three years since we graduated and no matter how much i told myself the throwing of our caps in the air was it, the symbolic end, i knew myself better than that. i knew her better. i knew us better. because thats not how our christmas break went six months later, or the year after, and year after that. which brings us to now. i go home tonight. to celebrate the holidays with my family and hometown friends, but the odds that i dont see her are slim to none. and shes all i can think about as im trying to pack. everything im throwing in my bag, a reminder of her. the shoes she got me for my birthday years ago, my favorite t shirt to sleep in that may or may not be hers. even what im wearing to the goddamn airport, a sweatsuit i bought at the mall of america with her, and a necklace she gave to me before we graduated that i cant muster the strength to give up. i know i dont mean anything to her anymore, honestly i dont know if i even meant that much to her back then, but i cant help but be conflicted myself, why is it the whole year im fine, “cured” of paige bueckers, but the second it hits december and i know snow is falling back home, i need to be back in hopkins wrapped up in her arms? she probably has someone else by now. no, she definitely has someone else by now. ugh this shouldnt be so hard. okay. just go home, dont get drawn back in. easy right?

im loading all my things into my car, this car, damn we did it in her car too didnt we? see, what did i say? constant. reminders.

its the kind of cold, fogs up windshield glass but i felt it when i passed you 

fuck, “snap out of it” i murmur to myself over and over while loading my bags. its not too many bags so im just piling them into my passenger seat as im paying to keep my car parked at the airport while im gone. i head back up to my apartment to lock it up then im pulling out of my places parking ramp and am on the freeway to the airport, a peaceful car ride, that is till i get a notification that makes my heart jump and car nearly swerve off the road. and i know its abt to begin, im abt to fall back in, but i cant help it.

paige bueckers

Hey

Whats your break schedule

read 6:21 pm

dorothea greene

hi.

ive got the next four weeks of classes off but im only home for abt two.

deciding to only stay home for about two weeks to minimize the amount of damage i can do involving her, but i keep that part out.

Cool

When’s your flight?

in two hours actually

im on the road rn

Don’t crash pls

I prefer you alive

i roll my eyes and let out a little snicker, thankful she cant hear, but typical paige having to sneak at least something in. im glancing up and down from my phone to the road, dont text and drive is repeating in my head in my moms voice, but its paige. the exact reason why im afraid to go home.

funny

Its the truth

So your landing in 6 hrs then?

At 12?

nice math

Alr alr chill 😂

How you getting home from the airport its gonna be late

Prolly like 1 am

yeah ik

thats what ubers are for paige

Nah uh no way

What if its a creep

I’ll come get you

no

i cant ask u to do that

u wont get home till like two

(a lie, im overestimating, but i really wasnt intenting on seeing paige this early on my tip back home.)

U aint askin im offering

Plus I want to

hm yeah right why is that paige

Aint it obvious comon

I miss you Thea.

read 6:43

theres an ache in you put there by the ache in me but if its all the same to you its the same to me 

and just like that, those three words, eight letters. that i so wish were three different ones, eight different letters, that im sure shes said to someone else, someone new in connecticut, but i cant bother to care about right now because at least i got something, something to show that maybe she still cares a little bit. a little bit about me. and i dont know if this is a mistake, even though i think i do. i know i do. even though i just told myself a couple of hours ago i wasnt going to do this. but hell, going from trying to not see her at all to her being the first person i see is almost comical. 

okay.

im going to be in terminal one

gate G20.

Damn was kinda hopin for a diff kinda rsp

Guess that’ll do…

you’re so pushy omg

i miss you too p.

That’s more like it 😊

i hate you sm

Nah

You dont.

read 6:49

paige is right, which she knows, and i hate that. that i dont hate her, i never could, and i dont think i ever will. that is what hurts the most. no matter how much i have to remind myself of the routine and how much this will never go anywhere, how her words are empty, only sounding full and meaningful for the week or two we are in the same city, i dont know how to stop. bc its her. its paige. my paige.

the rest of my travel night goes by in a blur, i paid for my car to be parked in the garage, i checked my bags, went through security, waited at the gate, and am now on the plane where i would normally get a nice four hour nap in so the ride would go by quicker, i dont, because i dont know if im prepared to land, to see whos waiting for me once this plane lands in minnesota. but just like that it does, it lands.

thankfully im seated near the back of the aircraft so i have a little bit more time wasting im able to do, i find myself walking to baggage claim extremely slow its almost comical, praying my bag isnt one of the first ones out, but of course it is. curse you universe. im plotting on how im gonna look lost outside, how i purposefully cant find her car like i have no idea what it looks like, like i dont have her licscene plate number memorized. like we havent done unspeakable shit in that car, unable to wait a ten minute drive home from a random bar. that is until i look up from my phone, suspicious because she hasnt texted me about her whereabouts outside yet, and i spot a little ways down the strip of the airport, a strikingly bright blonde head of hair that i would recognize anywhere. my pace, unbeknownst to me, picks up, and as i get closer i can make out that shes holding up a sign. not huge and flashy, but modest, smaller, she begins to walk towards me as well with what i can make out so far as the biggest grin on her face i have ever seen. that im sure my own face is reflecting. the closer she gets the more clear her sign becomes, that reads, ‘welcome home thea’ as she flips it to back that says ‘ive missed you most’. at this point ive completely ditched my bags and have just jumped in her arms, a giggling mess. god im a child. my arms are wrapped around her neck, hers around my waist, lifting me up off the floor slightly, breathing into my neck, a couple of hours ago i said i wasnt going to get drawn back in, now im in the middle of the airport looking like a lovesick idiot. 

so we could call it even you could call me babe for the weekend 'tis the damn season 

“hi baby” she mumbled against my skin and heart just about burst. i missed her so much. i pull back to look at her face, i just want to look at her face, i could forever. with my hands cupping her face. her rosy cheeks from being outside in the minnesota weather all cold, trying to warm her up. and as shes setting me down shes wiping hair out of my face, off of my forehead, looking deep into my eyes with her ocean blue ones, “god i missed you.” she whispered, quiet enough to be heard by just us, like a secret she didnt want anyone around us to hear in fear of it breaking. “so ive heard” i say back to her, moving my face closer to hers, with a smug but playful grin on my lips. and my arms are right back around her neck as im saying into her ear “i missed you too p.” scattering small kisses across the side of her head. on her ear, hairline, neck, temple. i know better. but at this point, theres no going back. and its not on her lips, so what damage is it really doing? i back away and intertwine my hand with hers while looking into her eyes, “lets go home, k?” i say while nodding my head in encouragement, “okay” she mumbles, while squeezing my hand, and grabbing my bags for me off of the floor. shes perfect, for these next two weeks shes going to be perfect. 

write this down, im stayin at my parents house and the road not taken looks real good now, and it always leads to you in my hometown 

im in her passenger seat, like ive been in drastically different situations many times before, as we’ve finally made it out of the god awful airport pickup zone. ive been day dreaming out this window for who knows how long about her of course. because when im with her as happy as it makes me, it only confuses me more. and it drives me insane. thats when i feel her right hand creep up on my thigh from the drivers side in soothing circles, “thea? hey did you hear what i said?” my eyes jerk down to her hand and then towards her eyes. “sorry p, whats up?” because i genuinely did miss her question, but theres some look etched on her face one i havent seen before, and it makes me take a big gulp of water thats been sitting in her car for possibly ages, as im all of a sudden afraid of what shes gonna say. her hand continues to rub soothing circles on my thigh while her eyes i swear are staring into the deepest parts of my soul, i should be worried considering shes currently driving on the highway but i cant seem to care, the way she looks at me makes me feel like im the only person in the world. “hey are you okay?” she says sincerely, “what?” i say almost too loudly, “sorry, yeah no im good p”, safe to say that wasnt what i was expecting her to ask. i dont know what i was, but it wasnt that. not something that made her seem like she cares deeper than the surface level. actually able to tell when somethings going on with me. whatever, its probably nothing. “alright thea,” as her goddamn hand is almost territorially sitting on my thigh now, like shes trying to protect me from the heat coming out of the ac in the car, “you never told me where im takin you.” she states, looking at me with her cute but smuggish at the same time grin. “yeah right, sorry, uh im staying with my parents. i’ll send you the address.” i ramble, trying to get this car ride to go by quicker. i swear shes driving slower on purpose. just to see me squirm. i see out of the corner of my eye as im going to send her the address her hand coming up to my phone, shes setting my hands down in my lap, and then turning my chin to face her, “thea. enough with the sorries. and i know were your parents live baby you dont need to send me the address.” she lets out a chuckle, but not one making fun, a light hearted one, as her hand moves to find mine and intertwines our fingers in my lap. but i know paige better than anyone, before we were whatever this is, we were friends, bestfriends. so of course she lets no teasing opportunity pass her by. “damn,” she says, looking down at my phone, that has our messages open, “my full legal name as the contact name is lethal” she says, looking up at me with a smirk, i shove her shoulder trying not to give her the satisfaction of a laugh and am then playing with the rings on her fingers. “alright p i would like a better suggestion. your name as your name in my phone makes complete sense to me. now i dont even wanna know what you got me as in yours,” i say with a chuckle, but also leaving it on a hint, i do wanna know. its probably nothing special, but paige is right, anything other than my full name would be special. “oh really?” shes looking at me with that smirk, god it kills me. shes pulled out her phone and opened it up to my contact, 'thea 💚'. it really seems like nothing special to the blind eye, but it is to me. not even my full first name, my nickname, with a heart that just about makes my own heart burst. and not just any heart, one of my favorite color, that ironically is the same as my last name. no words are exchanged just two pairs of eyes looking deeply into one another, faces with the biggest grins on them, while the rest of the car ride was silent. the center console of her car jabbing into the left side of my rib cage so my head was able to lean on her shoulder with her hand in my lap the whole way home. our hearts beating almost too romantically in sync the whole way to my parents house.

paige, despite what i knew she wanted to do, dropped me off at home. she pulled into my parents driveway with her headlights off, sure to not wake them, and though the door wasnt even twenty feet away, “im still walking you to it” she insisted, while grabbing my bags from the backseat. i unlocked the door, placed my bags inside and turned to the tall blonde, looking up into her icy blue eyes. “thank you for getting me p. and bringing me home,” i whispered the last part as i reach up to place my arms around her neck, as her arms find their familar home around my waist. i couldnt tell you how long we stood there for, swaying lightly, not wanting to let one another go, with my front door wide open letting all the cold minnesota air in but i finally pulled away looking into her eyes, mumbling “but i cant let you in. i want to, but i cant, p.” paige sighs, looking down at our feet, then back at me, “i know baby, its okay.” she spoke while wiping baby hairs away from my face and once again scooping me up in a hug. her breath warm agaisnt the left crevice where my neck and shoulder meet. i want to let her in so bad, but i cant because i know myself. i know her. i know us. and she knows it too. one thing will lead to another. and i need to try to hold out for as long as possible, as much as its killing me. as paige pulls away she leaves a kiss on my cheek and mumbles, “i’ll see you soon. get some sleep okay?” looking at me with questioning eyes and a raised eyebrow. god shes so cute. “okay.” i breathe out, reaching down to grab both of her hands. till she starts to back away, i find myself trying to hold onto the tips of her fingers for as long as possible as shes whispering goodbye and just like that her car is backing out of the driveway, and im standing under the porch light. alone. i know this scene all too well. we arent in highschool anymore, i have to remind myself, so i turn around and head inside before i overthink, again.

i parkеd my car right between the methodist and thе school that used to be ours

with playlists blasting in my ears, im unpacking my bags in my childhood room, tidying it up because my mom has turned it into her own personal closet while ive been gone, finding little knickknacks that meant everything to me as a kid. i stumble upon a hopkins basketball sweatshirt on my closet floor, i wonder who that belongs to? a cross on my wall from our communities church event. from the same church i went to every sunday that i would always find myself sitting next to paige at. and cleaning my bathroom i so luckily have attached to my bedroom, putting away my toiletries, opening a drawer that still has some of her things in it from when she would stay over almost every night, as im about to get in the shower before i finally try and get some sleep. thats when my music pauses to signify a ding of a notification. its paige. of course.

paige bueckers

U up?

read 2:13 am

thea 💚

nope

Alr 1 ur mean 2 I thought I told u to sleep

one you love me

two shouldnt u not be textin me then?

Damn u right on both tbh

But nah yk I cant leave u alone

read 2:17am

overthinking is my speciality, but am i doing that right now? because in all of our years of even just being friends we expressed our gratitude for one another, but since we’ve been whatever the fuck this is, flirt, hookup, ghost, paige has never even said the words “i like you” to me. we both know we care so deeply for one another, possibly more, but its complicated, our lives never worked out together that way, never overlapped, so we accepted the mutual heartbreak but kept pushing forward with this toxic cycle anyways because neither of us could bare not having the other in our life anymore. did she just admit that she loves me? nah. no fucking way. we say shit in playful tones like that all time. oh you love me this you love me that. but shes never admitted it back, not like that. what is going on. god its late, get out of your head thea. play it cool.

yeah ur lowkey annoying

highkey actually

Alr get out

U love me back dw ik

mm debatable 

Ouch

Wyd tmr

i dont know actually

my parents arent awake to make any plans with lol

Oh so I get u first

ok who said that??

You basically 😊

paige madison omg

Hey that reminds me

You change that contact name yet??

that rlly buggin you huh

Maybe

then i might just keep it

Thea istg

alr alr chill i will change it 😂

dorothea greene changed paige bueckers contact to 'paige 💜'

And I will pick u up at noon?

where tf did i agree to that?

Would you rather meet somewhere?

i dont see where i agreed to do anything with you

I want to see you

paige.

you just saw me not even an hour ago

I miss you

you cant possibly

How do you know that

You dont know I feel

I miss you

I miss you

okay will you shut up if i say yes

Um only if nice Thea shows up

okay sorry p 😂😂

Never be sorry

Sooooo I will pick you up tomorrow at noon?

you will pick me up tomorrow at noon.

Goodnight baby sleep well

Actually sleep please

read 2:35

that damn petname, nickname, wtv it is it fucking kills me and she probably has no idea. no she definitely knows and thats why she uses it. thank god she cant see my face right now because its full blown red, completely embarrassed post screaming my lungs out into my pillow.

i will

goodnight p

see u tmr.

i just snickered to myself after sending paige those last texts. almost shameful of myself. i dont know what im doing. or maybe i do? i think its safe to say my winter break is gonna go different than i planned, but the same way as it always was. whenever i dare to mix myself with paige bueckers and my hometown.

the second chapter of this series will be finishing out the lyrics of ttds (in blue) which will be linked in the series masterlist once finished! - im gonna try and make this into a full blown series incorporating other songs from the album 'evermore' going back in time as well to give some background information on their relationship. we'll see how it goes...

reminder: my box is open for all requests ⋆˙⟡

[puppyeared]

ive made myself more wet and pathetic

[bmpmp3]

post ankle-twisting clarity

[coridallasmultipass]

Halloween costume hint:

(The stitch marker and the word that describes this colour-pattern of yarn [or fabric] are 2 more hints.)

[phagodyke]

sometimes I wish I was a more interesting + charismatic person just so I could keep conversations going bc I like sharing space with other ppl but they routinely lose all interest and leave once I run out of things to say/start talking abt things that don't concern them :-(

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[silverislander]

symptoms disorder is causing symptoms of a disorder to me once more. shocking and tragic. who could have predicted this

[m4yasnotthatcool]

SID JENKINS X F!READER

angst + comfort hc fic drabble thingy

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(a/n) nobody requested this, i just made one of my friemds choose 1 or 2 to figure out if i wanna write for sid or freddie, made her choose the format and the genre and then i left her alone😽🎀 (luv u pooks<3)

also girl im listening to some fuck ahh the nbh rn, kill me (i love it, i chose it)

warnings: profanity (its skins, what did you expect?), reader has boobs (very silly goofy, ik.), i think it could be read as gn reader but when i wrote it i had myself in mind so... f!reader?..., also michelle and tony are brefly memtioned at one point (as chelle and tone iykyk), also might contain spoilers(as in, it does contain spoilers)

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•summer is a season both you and your boyfriend, sid, hate dearly;

•you still had sleepovers, only at this time of the year, the heat left over from the day before made it unbearable to sleep like you usually did (which was usually one of you on top of the other if im being honest);

•so here you sat now, layed out on sids bed, a thin sheet covering one of your legs and your lower abdomen, trying to maybe get at least an hour or two of shut eye before the sun would rise once again;

•sitting there, you felt your boyfriend shuffle in his sleep. you didnt think much of it seeing as he often moved while sleeping, until you felt his arm thrown across your abdomen;

• you let him be, thinking that was going to satisfy his yearning for physical contact, but you were wrong;

•not even a couple of minutes later, he rested his head on your chest while his arms hugged you, his hands interlocking behind your back;

•you tried desperately to cool off, kicking the sheets off of your body. unfortunately your attemptes fell unsuccesfull as the obvious heat sorce sitting on top of you had not moved;

•gently lifting him up and laying him next to your spot on the bed, you got up. "ugh, wanker..." you looked at the sleeping teenager next to you. some sheets tangled between your legs made you trip but you cought yourself on his desk, knocking over a few late assignments he had yet to turn in. "well, its not like he would ever get to doing them anyway" you tought as you regained your composure and left the room heading for the stairs.

•you now sat on top of the counter of his kitchen, a glass of cold water in hand from which you periodicly took small sips;

•the only thing you could focus on was the ice cold water sooting your agony as it seemed to indeed help you cool off after the encounter with the sleeping form of your boyfriend;

•"there you are" you heard sids voice come from behind you, a sheepish smile plastered on your face at the tought that his first concern after waking up was you;

•"oh, NOW you wake up" you giggle to yourself as you feel his elbow resting next to you on the counter;

•"what do you mean?" he asks you, tiredness evident in his tone "i mean, yea, ive been sleeping good, but did you try to wake me up or something?";

•"nah, didnt wanna interupt your beauty sleep" you nudge his side playfully "god knows you need it"; "it was just too hot up there, especially with you resting your head between my tits";

•he gasped dramaticly "i would never do such a thing!" ... "sid you and me both know you stare at 'chelles tits whenever we see her and tone' so cut the bullshit" "yea, youre right, im looking at yours right now and they look..." you punch his arm as a warning to not continue what he planned to say;

•"sid, hon, its hot as bollox back in your room, so as much as im flatered by your comments on my great personality id prefer we sleep a little farther apart tonight. you know, just so i dont spontaneously combust while you focus on my boobs on eather side of you head";

•sid slightly laughes before pausing. "can we... go back to bed please?" he avoids your gaze after saying that, making you drop your teasing tone. "sure sid" you say as you hop down from where you were sitting, placing the glass near the sink"are you okay?" you ask your boyfriend,

•"yea, why wouldnt i be?";

•"well, for starters you not only woke up, vut also got out of bed? at 4 am? you?";

•"i didnt know where you went, okay? i just..." he sighed and looked at the floor "i dreamt i lost you too, you know?";

•"well shit..." you murmur as you aproach the boy in front of you;

•you reach out your hands, cupping his face to make him look at you; "look, im here, see? im fine, you dont need to worry, okay?" you say as you reach on your tippy toes, giving him a quick peck before letting yourself fall to your normal height once again;

•"yea... i know" he smiled down at you before continuing "so... can we go now?";

•"sure dude" you smiled back at the boy in front of you before taking his hand and leading him back to his room upstairs;

•its safe to say you didnt get much sleep that night, seeing as he climbed on top of you once again as soon as he feel back asleep, but you didnt get up again; sure, you did try to push him off of you a couple of times, but seeing his persistence you gave up quickly;

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random ahh hc:

after his mom leaving and his dad dying, bro was an emotional wreck;

he became even more clingy than before, trying to somehow make sure you wont leave him too;

so, in return, you had to make sure he knew how much you cared for him;

you know how he followed tony everywhere? and how he showed up at his house? yea, well scratch that, youre his tony now. he shows up at your house unnanounced and ends up sleeping with you on your bed just because he feels like it. like, this of the codependency between him and tony and youve got the general idea of how hed act and what hed do. (their relationship was nothing if not low key homo erotic. well, at least on tonys part ig-);

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okay so thats it guys omg

(i havent written anything in a very long time so im sorry if its ass lmao)

anyway, feel free to point out any spelling mistakes or anything like that, i really dont mind

other than that, have a great rest of your day/night!

[wassupmygays]

yap about ur headcanons about the socs pls!!

heheeh okay some misc things about the soc guys that have popped into my head throughout the week (im sorry this is so long)

EDIT: ok ive put it all under the cut bc it got so long but i do yap a little bit about each soc guy so please read hehe :)

Chet

chet and his family moved from california when he was in 3rd grade. his first friend in town was one sodapop curtis on his little league baseball team

his dad is a cop and wants to advance up the ranks, and his mom wants to make sure they keep up their good social standing, so chet was not friends with soda for long

you know those boys in like 5th grade that crack all the dumb jokes, hit all the door frames, and tease every girl "because he likes her"? thats chet and trip

this is inspired by @/sky4cherry iirc but chet does Nawt get attention at home man. his dad is always busy with work and a little mean (yknow how dads are in the 60s) and his mom is always working on the next social function or trying to appease his dad. anyways he is just always at another soc guy's house just to have someone Talk to him

i think he picks up drinking and smoking, and fighting, for a similar reason to bob: he just wants his parents to fucking notice he's doing something wrong. but theyre high enough now in the social and job spaces that they can just wipe any misdemeanors under the rug

i cant decide if chet is an only child, or if he has like 2 siblings that are way older than him. idk

Trip

terrance dipp is The Exasperated older brother ever. bro did Nawt want a little brother sorry melvin.

anyways unfortunately i do think trip is very much a guy's guy. that boy is Not a good boyfriend to marcia unfortunately :(((((( at least by the time we get to their sophomore year/the show

him and chet can not be sat together in class. they will never shut up or stop hitting each other.

chet broke his arm one time in like 6th grade. trip threatens to break it again at least once a month

ive said this before but ill say it again: trip and melvin are just soc steve and ponyboy. trip is so tired of his kid brother being in all his sports and trying to tag along to everything

that being said, he was looking out for melvin so much during the rumble. he knew their mom would kill him if he brought his brother home all beat up, but also he really really didn't want him to get too hurt.

he Always goes to marcia to patch him up after hes been in a fight. (after the rumble though, him and marcia are on the rocks, and hes got melvin to worry about. so he just sneaks melvin home and tries to clean him up before their mom sees. its actually a sweet bonding moment between them i think)

trip lovesssss verbally poking fun at any greaser in school, especially two-bit. after he realizes two-bit likes marcia, his mean jokes become a lot more threatening

(i do love trip i promise i just also think hes kinda a mean guy. you know the kind of rowdy douche bags in high school im talking about. im so sorry ksco and sean jones i promise i love trip kdjfkdjf)

Brill

clark brillstein i'll be so incredibly honest i dont have much in my brain for him :((( i gotta sit and think more

i do think he has one of the better home lives out of the bunch, and hes got his lovely perfect girlfriend, and hes good at sports, and honestly i think he just. gets tired of everyone thinking hes got it so perfect all of the time. i think maybe thats why he likes all the fighting so much

while he is relatively happy with his life rn, hes tired of being doted on like hes perfect. and also sometimes he sees everyone else's lives being so shitty, he feels likes hes got to pick fights to justify him feeling bad about his lot.

Paul

ohhh im gonna have to hold myself back from talking about him forever. he will get his own post at some point aDKFJDKFJK

anyways. paul holden. the messiest and most scared gay kid in the town of tulsa

i think he and bob literally grew up together. like their parents are Old old friends, so paul and bob have always basically been brothers despite a 2/3 ish year age difference (i dont feel like doing the exact math). i think bev's parents are also in this old friend group, so pauls known her forever too

anyways. he was probably the bob of his friend group in his class, which is why nobody really really protested darry being in their group. but i also think that when he was with darry, paul didnt really care about the whole social friend group of things too much.

contrary to popular belief i dont think paul is the friend-group-leader type. idk if that makes sense and i can yap about it more but.

anyways post-darry breakup paul is a fucking mess. hes sad and angry and those fights that darry was always trying to stop feel so damn good. maybe bob and his buddies are on to something, and bob's dad always has a full liquor cabinet

Bob

obviously we know the most about bob and his home life and inner psyche and reasons for fighting and honestly all of it really resonates in my brain. like yea im keeping all of that

bro has charisma to the max. like he has always been the ringleader of the friend group, even in like 4th grade when all the boys started becoming best buddies

he used to be such a mommas boy. before her praise just became so meaningless.

oh ive just had a revelation. he is an angrier and more resigned buddy aldridge from rotpl. his dad is pulling the strings to make sure his precious son is climbing all the right ladders.

the difference here tho is bob realized this earlier, and that started his spiral into fights and drinking and causing problems. he wanted to see what would finally make his dad stop covering and fixing everything for him. he never found that limit

he knows cherry cant stand the drinking, and i do think he does feel bad about ignoring her feelings about it. but his urge to push back against everything and spit in the face of anyone who tries to tell him how he should be just overpowers. and god everything is more fun when hes boozed up

[pattypanini]

Lay All Your Love On Me

Chapter 11- Forever and Always

Josh Kiszka x Reader

Word Count: 4.6k

TAGLIST

AN: Hi everyone! Here is the eleventh chapter of Lay All Your Love On Me from me and @mar-rein12! We are veryyyyyy sorry with the late chapter. The first 8 chapters we had prepared for a while but the last 3 have been made throughout the week whenever we had free time which is like never when your college students. But we're excited for you guys to read this, its a crazy one but we have good stuff for the future! We tried to play around with time skips and stuff, so if its confusing let us know so we can fix it for the future. So enjoy the eleventh chapter, Forever and Always

Warnings: 18+, SMUT, penetrative sex, fingering, butt stuff..., cursing, angst, slut shaming, fighting, fluff (comment if I missed any!)

Josh’s POV 

You are currently sitting in your musical theater composition seminar and couldn’t focus on anything. You were still thinking about your night with y/n a couple days ago. You haven’t been able to stop thinking about her. You needed her badly. You sit on your computer and attempt to take notes on the class but instead find your way onto a flower website. 

Maybe, I should order a bouquet for her, to surprise her. 

You scroll through the website completely disregarding your professor's lesson. You find a bouquet filled with pastel colored tulips. You remember her mentioning she had liked them before. As you look at the price, realizing it is only $70, you add it to your cart. 

You pay $10 for express delivery, in order to get it to her by the end of the day. You love doing nice things for her and you know this will make her so happy. You attach a message to it, signing it off with Love, Josh.

You click the place order button and let out a deep breath. Love Josh. You were feeling pretty bold for that one. You do love her though, or at least you feel like you could love her. She is everything and more that you look for in a woman. She is confident, hard-working, funny, and so incredibly beautiful inside and out. 

You continue daydreaming about her until your professor decides to end class a little early. As you walk to your next class you feel a buzz come from your pocket. 

3:12pm y/n: I don’t know if you have class rn, but if you don’t you should come back over to the dorm. I have the place to myself and I miss you. 

3:13pm Josh: No class at all, I’ll be over.

You would do anything to be able to see her, no matter what it takes. You quickly make your way over to her dorm, walking a little faster than you’d like to admit. But she just has that effect on you. Once you make your way up, you knock on the door. The door swings open, almost as if she was waiting for you.

‘Hi Joshy, I missed you.” She embraces you, wrapping her arms around your neck. You look down at her noticing she is dressed in only a thin, black satin robe. 

“I missed you too. What are you up to?” 

“I was actually about to hop in the shower!” She giggles, turning around to walk towards the bathroom. You just stand there not really knowing what to do with yourself. She halts her steps to whip around, facing you again. “You coming or not?”

 You immediately walk over to her discarding your shoes and shirt along with your backpack at the front door. Once you make it to the bathroom you kick off your pants and under garments, being left completely exposed to y/n. The only sound that could be heard was the hot water hitting against the shower floor. She slowly unties her robe, letting it fall to the floor. It feels like something out of a movie. 

Your eyes scan over every inch of her body. All the curves, dips, and perfections about her. 

“You’re so fucking sexy y/n.” Your hands connect to her sides, pulling her closer. “I need you, and your body so bad. Can I make you feel good princess, please?” She looks up to you with her doe eyes.

She sultrily struts over to the glass door of the shower, placing her hand on the handle. “You want me so bad? Well, then, you gotta come get me.” She pulls the door open to step inside, you run over to quickly step in from behind her. She tilts her head back and lets the hot water saturate her hair, and smudge her makeup. The way her mascara melted under her eyes turned you on way too much. You wanted so badly to push her down to the ground and make her suck you off but you wanted to make this about her. 

You immediately push her up against the wall. Your bare chest flush with hers, with your hands placed on either side of her head.“You just can’t control yourself can you?” She teases you, attempting to push her hips up into yours, under the stream of warm water. 

“Honestly, It’s hard for me to control myself around you, you’re so fucking perfect. Always making me want to fuck the shit out of you, like the dirty little girl I know you are.” You take your knee and place it in between her thighs, giving her the most perfect amount of stimulation on her clit. 

Her head flies back smacking against the shower wall with a sharp moan, far too turned on to feel the pain of it. Your lips connect with her in a passionate kiss. You gently slip your tongue past her lips, her gladly accepting it. You continue just like that for a few minutes until she pulls away. “Mmm… Josh…”

“What baby? Is something wrong?” You give her a concerned expression, eyes slightly widened. 

“No, nothing is wrong. I just need you to fuck me, hard. Right here. I can’t wait any longer” She begs, connecting your lips again with a quick kiss. 

You pull away this time, “Yeah? You want me to fuck you hard, right here?” You take your hand, lifting her chin up to look at you. She gives you a little nod, but that was not good enough for you. “Words, mama. Tell me exactly what it is that you want.”

“Holy shit, Josh. I’m so fucking wet for you. Feel it.” She takes your hand in hers, moving it to rest in between her legs. You drag your pointer and middle finger up her slit, collecting her slick on your fingers. You audibly moan at the sight before you, she looks too fucking good, its criminal. 

“Goddamn, yeah…you’re fucking soaked. Turn the fuck around, now.” You command her. She obeys, turning her body around to face the wall. Your hand finds its way to her back, pressing her up against the wall fully. You lean down to whisper in her ear, “Now mama, tell me what you want me to do to you.” 

You can feel her squirm under you, practically begging you to touch her. She turns her head to the side, “I want your fat cock inside of me Joshy. Fuck me so hard I can’t fucking walk. I wanna feel you fill me up.” She places her left leg up onto one of the low shelves, to steady herself and to make herself more accessible to you. 

You stroke your cock a couple times before lining yourself up with her entrance. You take your time sliding in, to allow her to adjust to your length. She lets out a deep sigh once you’re fully seated inside of her. “You been thinking about this mama? Because I sure have. You’re a fucking angel, got me wrapped so fucking tight around your pretty little finger.” You don’t move your hips, just yet, your cock only resting inside her. 

“I’ve been thinking about this, Josh. You have no idea. Give it to me, please. I can’t take it anymore.” There's no way you can give into her that easily. You gather her hair pulling it all over to one shoulder, giving her a sweet, little kiss on her back. 

“And why should I give it to you sweetheart? You think you earned it?” You question her, biting down onto her tender skin, making her wince. 

“I know I earned it Joshy, I’ve been such a good girl for you. You think I just invited you over here to be nice? I know what I want Josh, and I want you to fuck me. So give that to me or leave.” She says with a smirk, knowing how much she can control you.

You don’t mean that mama, you know you love me.” Oh shit. 

“Do I now Joshy? I could say the same about you.” She smiles pulling you into a kiss. “Now, I said I need you to fuck me or leave, so which is it going to be?” You bring your cock to her entrance, teasing the outside while bringing it up and down her slit. After perfectly lining her up,  you grab her hips and slam her back onto your cock. 

She lets out a loud moan and clutches onto the wall in front of her. You know she can take it by now, so you don’t slow your pace. You continue pulling her back onto you but you feel her push back harder onto you, knowing she wants it deeper. 

“Harder Josh please, it's not enough.” Not enough? You weren’t insecure about your size or anything but you wanted to give her more. You disregard the shower you were meant to be taking and turn off the water. Throwing the door open you pick her up and carry her to her bedroom, throwing her on the bed paying no mind to her wet body. Her soaked hair leaves a wet mark around her head, on the comforter. 

You bring her legs up to your shoulders, letting them drape over like a backpack. You line yourself up and begin abusing her pussy. Your hands squeeze tightly around her ankles, guaranteeing marks the next day. You slam in and out of her without any thoughts in your mind other than the sounds of your skin slapping against hers. 

“Is this enough for you now, slut? You’ve been such a spoiled little brat, a quick little fuck in the shower wouldn’t be enough for you huh? You need to be fucked hard like the whore you are.” You continue on with hard, deep strokes to her aching cunt. She was wrapping around you so perfectly and so wet, allowing you to easily slide in and out. 

She was so relaxed that her body was just so free and loose. All her perfect little holes were opened up to you and you couldn’t help but wonder what other holes you could fill. You flip her onto all fours, pressing her face down into the mattress. You grab her hips, beginning your harsh pace again. Your hands make their way down her ass and one hand stops right at her asshole. You take your thumb and lightly press it on the outside, not allowing it to enter. You begin to hear quiet moans coming from her mouth that were different from the ones from before. These ones were softer and hungry for more, not the loud, pornographic ones you always hear. 

“Do you like that y/n, does that feel so good?” Slowly making circles on the outside of it.

“It feels so good, please put it in Josh.” She begs.

“What a dirty girl, needing all your holes filled. Practically begging me to put a finger in her ass” 

“I am begging, so do it before I do it myself.” Her hand begins to reach around and moves your hand. Before she can do it, you swat her hand away. You take your pointer finger and shove it in her mouth, wetting it for her. You slowly slide it in, not knowing if it was something she had done before. 

“Please, tell me if it hurts or you want me to stop mama.” You begin to gently pump your finger in and out, in time with your thrusts. She shoves her face deeper into the bed, muffling her moans. 

“It doesn’t hurt, I need more Josh, add another.” What is this girl on?

You pull the finger out, not wanting to shove it in her mouth again you end up spitting directly on her asshole, and start massaging the two fingers into her. You make the final push, both fingers plunging inside of her. You slowly increase your speed back up to what it was before, slowing down your thrusts upon noticing her fullness. 

“Fuck, Josh. Oh God.” Her body starts to squirm underneath you. You can tell she's getting close. 

“Mama, you’re so goddamn dirty, holy shit. Wish you could see yourself right now, all fucked out and on display for me. I have you so filled right now. I wish I could fill you up in all your holes.”

 She only responds with a sharp moan. That causes you to speed up your thrusts again, the hand that wasn’t in her ass grips tightly onto her hip. You rip your fingers out of her, giving her a harsh smack on the ass. She yelps, beginning to grip harder onto the comforter. 

“I’m gonna cum, fuck.” She whimpers on, her eyes half lidded.  You continue on with your pace, doing all you could to push her over the edge. 

“Do it. Wanna feel your pussy squeeze around my fat cock. I’m so fucking close too.” Her moans heighten, making you thrust harder and faster despite your movements getting sloppy. 

Her body begins to shake, as curses and moans fly out of her mouth left and right. You feel a tight squeeze around your cock before you feel a new type of wetness splash onto your lower abs. A feeling you know all too well. The feeling of her squirt against your abs sends you over the edge, filling her up with your cum. You pant and slowly pull out of her, laying down in the bed next to her. 

She looks over at you, eyes wide and out of breath,” ya know…I’ve never done that before.”

You turn your head over to look at her, “clearly you were enjoying it.” You smirk at her.

“Oh trust me I was. Makes me want to invest in some butt plugs or something.” She says as you begin rolling off the bed.

You stand in front of her with your arms stretched out, offering her your hand. She allows you to take her hand, pulling her up off the bed. 

“How about we try again with a shower?” She giggles at your statement and nods her head. 

You both begin walking over to the bathroom, to hop in the shower yet again. 

—

Jakes POV

You sit on the couch waiting for Josh to get back from class. Usually you guys would go to the gym after your Wednesday classes, but he was late. You scroll on your phone trying to waste time until you come across a funny video of a cat barking. 

You save the video to your favorites on Instagram to show Josh later. A few videos later the front door rattles and in comes Josh with wet hair and a huge grin on his face. What's his deal? 

You give him a questioning look, “You look like you just got laid brother.” You joke with him.

Josh chuckles at you, “I was just in class.” 

You could tell when your twin was lying, “Reallyyy… why’s your hair wet then?” You raise an eyebrow at him in challenge. 

“I had to use the eye wash station in chemistry today.” 

“You don’t take chemistry dumbass, if you're gonna lie come up with a better excuse.” 

“Fuck… you caught me.” So, he finally decides to be honest with you.

“So where were you then?” You’re determined to get the answer out of him.

“I was over at y/n’s.” He says nonchalantly, dropping his bag on the floor and flopping down onto the couch. “Are we still going to the gym?”

“I mean I was planning on it, hence why I waited for you but you were late.” You look at your phone seeing that he's an hour late and now it would be cutting into band practice if you went now. “I can’t go anymore, I'm gonna be late for the band.”

Josh doesn’t even seem to care, he's just sitting there on his phone laughing at whatever video he’s watching. What a dick.

“Oh my god you gotta see this Jake.” He’s still chuckling as he turns his phone around to show you a video of the local bar and this crazy guy freaking out and jumping behind the bar. 

You couldn’t help but laugh at the video despite being upset with Josh. “You're not gonna believe it. I literally saw him one time when I was there and he was being really weird and was doing the worm. I took a video I think let me see…” 

You scroll through your camera roll, Josh expectantly looking over your shoulder. You scroll up to a few weeks ago in your camera roll. You scan your eyes around where you think it would be and click on it showing Josh. You begin laughing but don’t hear much coming from your twin. You look over to see a confused and disgusted look on his face. 

“Jake…” you hear him say. 

You turn to look at him, your smile fading and confusion written all over your face. “What?” 

“What was that picture next to it?” he spat at you, anger filling his voice. 

You swipe out of the video and look at what is next to it. 

No. fucking. way.

Y/n’s nudes from weeks back were sitting in your camera roll. But there is no way he would know that they are hers. “I don’t really remember, it might be this girl from my class. We’re talking right now I guess.” Shitty lie.

“Girl from your class? Really, because that looks a lot like y/n.” He says pointing at your phone, eyebrows furrowing and free hand clenched into a fist. 

“How can you be so sure, the girl's face isn’t even in the picture, bud.” 

Josh stares into your soul, your eyes battling for dominance. You knew this wasn’t going to end well for anyone's case.

—

Y/n's POV

You're woken up from your pre-study nap to a loud knock on the door. You knew Char would be getting home late but normally when she forgets her keys she calls you. You quickly hop out of bed to answer the door. When you take a peek outside the door you see…Josh. 

“Josh? What are you doing here, did you forget something?” Your eyes scan over the room to see if anything was left. 

He darts in the door, without invitation, and makes his way to the couch and takes a seat. “Were you talking to anyone while we were?”

“Not romantically… I mean I was only talking to you. I pretty much cut off any prior things with everyone.”

“Did you start new ones?” He says clasping his hands together, squeezing them. 

“No- Josh what is this about? If you're gonna say something just fucking say it.” 

“Okay fine. How long have you been fucking my brother?” Your eyes widen, that’s the last thing you expected to come out of his mouth. 

“What the fuck are you talking about?! I’ve never even talked to him.” You try your best to defend yourself, but you don’t think it’s working too well. 

“So you’ve texted him, is that what you're saying? I mean surely talking in person wasn’t enough so you also had to text when he wasn’t around. Squirt? Does that ring a bell y/n? Or the nudes you sent to his phone?”

“Josh, I don't send that kind of stuff anymore. Not to anyone. Plus I never sent them with my face ever!”

“Yeah true but it’s pretty fucking easy to notice you with that fucking initial necklace you always wear.” He says pointing at it. 

“You can’t prove anything, you asshole.” You didn’t feel like dealing with this shit right now. 

“Really, wanna hear everything that Jake just told me?” You give him a certain look to just shut his mouth. 

—

2 hours before 

Josh’s POV 

“How can you be so sure, the girl's face isn’t even in the picture, bud.” Jake proclaims.

“That necklace that ‘girl’ is wearing is the same one y/n never takes off because her dad gave it to her. The little freckle on her neck, her hair draping over the shoulders, who is it then Jake? I know her and her body, that's y/n.” You snap back at him, seeing right through his little lie. 

“Like I said, it might be a girl from my class. It might also be some random girl I don’t remember?”

“Then why would it be on your phone if you don’t remember? Open your messages now.” You’re seething. If you could see yourself right now, your face would most likely be bright red.  

“I don’t have to do shit Josh. Damn. You’re fucking crazy.” 

“No go ahead and just swipe through, if I don’t see her name then fine.”

Jake sighs, pulling open his messages and slowly goes through showing that he had nothing to hide while you quickly look at the previews of the messages. Nothing crazy until you see 

2:14am Jake: I know he’s asleep. Come to the bathroom now.

With that you grab Jake’s phone and run to the nearest room. You slam the door shut, locking it quickly.

“JOSH STOP, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT DOING THAT!” Jake screams muffle from behind the door. 

You take a deep sigh, knowing that you don’t want to see what's in those messages, but the pounding on the door tells you that your suspicions are correct.

After clicking on the messages, you’re met with weeks of conversations between Jake and y/n. 

9:45pm y/n: What am I wearing tonight hottie?

9:46pm Jake: Didn’t expect to be hearing from you, I missed you.

-

9:56pm Jake: I told you I’ve had my eye on you for a while now.

-

11:16pm Jake: I miss you too sexy, and your body. I wish I could be with you, taking that slutty little outfit off. Who picked that out again?😏

11:17pm Jake: Of course, sexy girl. Show me what's mine.

11:18pm y/n: Who said I was yours?

11:18pm Jake: Is anyone else getting these pics?

11:18pm y/n: No

11:19pm Jake: Then they’re mine, along with your body, all mine.

Holy shit. This has been happening underneath your nose the entire time. You trusted y/n, and even worse, you trusted your brother. You took out your phone and took pictures of some of the messages. You knew you needed to confront y/n and you knew you weren’t going to give her any time to come up with a story. You take Jake’s phone and hide it deep in your closet knowing he’ll never find it. You didn’t want him to give y/n any warning about what was going to happen. 

You yank open the door making your way to the door while Jake hollers his apologies behind you. You completely ignore him, slipping out the door. 

—

Present Time

Y/n’s POV

You couldn’t deny the truth. He had evidence and there was no way of getting out of it. 

“Josh, we weren't together. I- I can explain.” You grab onto his arm trying your very best to fool him. He forcefully rips his arm out of your grip. 

“So what was that then, huh. You can’t expect to act that way with me and not make me think it's something more than friends, because it wasn’t no matter what you say, and you know that.” His finger digs deeply into your chest, discomfort rising within you from his jab. You back away from his harsh touch. 

“It was more than friends, I thought it was friends with benefits.” You feel tears beginning to form in your eyes, your lips quivering as you attempt to speak. 

“Holy fuck y/n. You’re so fucking stupid. We said that because we were horny for each other, but I thought after making the connection it was something more. I should have known it from the beginning.” You see tears start filling his eyes, a wash of anger flashes across his face. He lets completely loose on you. 

“You’ve always been a slut and I should have recognized that you wouldn’t be able to keep it in your pants for just one person, but hey go for my brother I guess. Was it convenient to just go to one bed and then hop into another only 5 feet apart? Probably the most efficient you’ve ever been, huh?” 

“You’re such a fucking asshole.” The tears are flowing down your cheeks now, sob after sob racking through your body. The thing was… he was right. You are everything he says you are. 

“I’m the asshole? Wow, y/n, real classy. Just admit it. Admit you fucked Jake. Then we can go back to the way things were before this goddamn musical.” 

“I don’t want to go back to the way things were before the musical. I made some mistakes and I'm sorry. But I just want everything to be how it has been.” 

“Oh yeah? When you were sleeping with both me and my brother? Fuck that. I don’t want anything to do with you, y/n.” 

“Did you even think about why I was getting with him in the first place? You selfish piece of shit, and for me to think you changed your ways.” There is no way he’s placing all the blame on you. 

“MY WAYS?! You're the one who hasn’t ‘changed their ways’ but please enlighten me as to why you would have to fuck me and my brother at the same time.” He says, crossing his arms across his chest.

“You have always been a fucking dick to me, and you know it. Jake treated me right from the beginning and made me feel wanted. I had to beg for your attention and for you to be kind to me. When you finally started to act the way a ‘boyfriend’ should act is when I cut it off with Jake.” You’re screaming in his face, begging him to hear you out, to understand. You stand there completely helpless in the middle of your living room, crying. 

"Damn it y/n I love you. I always have, I wanted to treat you that way but I didn't want to scare you off." His hands rubbing his face.

"Well you didn't do a great job showing it." You say in a snarking tone.

Josh walks up to you, incredibly close, his face right in front of yours. “You are a bitch.” You’re done with his shit, you forcefully shove him backwards and off of you.  

The room gets quiet, only being able to hear the heavy breathing of both of you bouncing off the walls. 

“Josh… please. I don’t want this to end.” You can hardly make out his body now standing in the doorway, through your tears. 

“I want that too… but I don’t know what else to do. This,” he motions between the two of you, ”is fucked.” You collapse on the floor, curling up into a ball, and just can’t stop your weeping. “I’ll text you tomorrow y/n, I need to clear my head after tonight.” The last thing you hear from him is the door slamming. 

After what feels like hours of laying on the floor weeping,  you hear knocking at the door.

Josh?

You pick yourself off the ground hurrying your way to the door. Maybe he wanted to talk it out more, figure something out.

When you get to the door you're met with no one. You look at your surroundings and notice a large bouquet of flowers sitting on the ground. You bring them in, hoping maybe they were from your dad who occasionally sends you flowers as a little gift. 

You set them on the counter and open the card. Your eyes scan the words, causing you to fall to your knees. What have I done? This is your fault. You are a slut. You don’t deserve anyone. 

Thankful for you, forever and always. Love Josh.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Taglist:

@demonrat444 @gvfstuddedmajesty @jordie-gvf @jazzyfigz @slut4lando @gvfmarge @peaceloveunitygvf @jjwasneverhere @areuirish @mar-rein12 @woyayaofdreams @freyjalw @musicspeaks @jennabobenasblog @do-it-jakey-baby @dannys-dream @its-interesting-van-kleep @josh-iamyour-mama

[reorientation]

zyn anon. sorry to spam your dms, i just have some updates i can't really share elsewhere lmao. only one of my irls know im fucking this boy but she doesn't know it was for nicotine pouches lmao

im not even "exchanging" my "services" for zyns anymore. i didn't like them at all, but id still occasionally ask for a tin or two here and there. to not let it get to his head ☺️. a month and a half later im just doing it for free 😒 he makes jokes now that im not even fucking him for product. and jokes that he got me addicted to him instead. so you were right about me becoming a budding addict for a straight mans cock.

we never had a convo about us being official, but he made it clear early on that he wants to be the only guy fucking me rn. i asked if he sleeps around with other girls, and he said he doesnt need to when im so eager for him. :/. he calls me his girlfriend in front of his roommate and gamer friends, too. but not to people we know mutually.

he's also a lot more affectionate now. we've been on an actual date, it was surprisingly romantic and really sweet, and not just me blowing him in his car. though I did after but that's not the point.

i pretty much dress exclusively femininely outside of our programs unisex uniform, i used run errands in boymode but im not even doing that anymore. i have a chosen name that can be shortened into something kinda feminine sounding so he just calls me that. even in front of classmates who dont know i have a pussy, and one that hes been inside of. and the "nickname" is catching on with our classmates too lol.

z anon. forgot to include the update. sorry, i ramble a lot.

i skipped my last two T shots ☺️ im still waiting on my iud appointment in a few weeks. unfortunately this also means i havent really been letting him inside me as often, since im still really scared of pregnancy especially this early on in this weird situation. i am blowing him a lot though lol. it's a win win for me since being on my knees for him with his cock down my throat is so damn hot, especially when he's kinda fucking my face and pulls my hair during it. but fuck its probably been at least a week since his cocks been in me and i miss it. a lot lol. hes so manly and strong, i miss how feminine i feel when im under him. his body would just inadvertently pin me in place, im painfully aware of how small and feminine i am in comparison to him. how truly heterosexual it all is.

but i cannot trust myself bro like i know even if i insist on him using a condom ill end up asking for him to take it off. if he doesnt outright refuse. and like it's so difficult because that turns me on more. i know ill end up having his dick in me sometime before I get my iud, i just gotta be responsible and power through the demons.

im still dysphoric through this situation, especially since stopping T and the fear of like. the few times hes cum in me before havimg a little more serious consequences. despite taking plan b after each time. but the horny part of my brain has never been happier. whenever i feel like backing out, i send him nudes or text him smth risky just for extra self encouragement. but he's on a camping vacation thing rn with his family, and the service is shit and i miss him 🥺 even outside of sex.

like I want to become his girlfriend, truly. and that would have me become a girl for him. which basically means becoming a girl fulltime. i guess that would actually just be going back to being a girl. all for a straight boy 🤦🏻

its hugely dysphoric but kinda nice, like a part of me hates how he's so much bigger and way more masculine than me without any effort, even outside of us having heterosexual sex. i get so dysphoric that he's taller, bigger, way stronger and just so clearly male. but apparently, i enjoy being a girl for him more than i hate it.

(Previously)

You know, Anon, this is awfully romantic.

I mean, listen to yourself. You got into this as a whore, offering to suck his dick for discounted nicotine pouches, but now you're pining over him, and wanting to be a proper girl so that you can be his girlfriend. You're definitely still a whore, but you're a whore with a heart of gold.

Not a smart whore, though. So scared of pregnancy, but you stopped your T before getting on real birth control, knowing that you can't stop yourself from begging for his bare cock. You're so desperate to be a good girl for him that you're consciously ramping up the risk of having his baby, just so that you can return to full femininity a little sooner.

You know, I got this anon after your last ask:

They're not quite right, in that this first update doesn't include a pregnancy announcement. But it's been a bit since you sent me this, and reading what you sent me, it's not hard to imagine you having already gotten started on the path to being a cute little baby mama to your straight boyfriend.

But even if you haven't... You're never going to be able to forget what this was like, will you? Losing your virginity to a straight man, and so easily losing your identity with it. Being pinned down by him with your legs spread and his bare cock in your pussy. The simple force of a man on top of you, and how simple it was to slip back into womanhood and welcome him in.

[raineyana]

What is your normal grocery list? I’m about to be living at a dorm and I am looking for stuff to stock up on, I can’t really keep frozen foods though

i actually dont even cook all that much so i dont keep a lot of frozen foods either. this is my regular list when i go, usually weekly.

FASTING FOODS

okay so youre probably like. raine you arent supposed to eat anything when you fast. hear me out bc this is how i consistently fast a 20-4 schedule everyday, with a lot less binges than before, AND getting all of the benefits of fasting. and yeah, i still binge from time to time, but my binges are far less because my stomach actually cannot handle being fed over 1000 calories anymore, especially not all at once.

these are my ESSENTIALS so theyre pretty much the only things i consistently buy weekly.

cucumbers

chicken broth (0cal kind)

seaweed snacks

pickled ginger

tea (any, but i like trying new flavors ! my favorite is lemon ginger because it helps digestion, and green tea because it speeds up your metabolism. also a lot healthier than diet coke with the same amount of caffeine, also less likely to spike your blood sugar and kick you out of ketosis- which will make your cravings for food much worse)

...dont get me wrong i couldnt live without diet coke. but sometimes ill go for the healthier option.

why i eat these foods while i fast

these are foods that have extremely low cals and carbs (like less than 2 grams per/serving) so they wont kick you out of ketosis (which is the major benefit to fasting, where your body burns fat at a higher rate). when youre in ketosis, your body stops sending you as many cravings, which is why sometimes it feels easier to fast 24 hours after you last ate as opposed to 3 hours.

because i spend the majority of my time fasting, (and i would never be able to do that without these foods) i go through these items pretty quick.

but otherwise i only have to buy other healthy foods on a biweekly or even monthly basis, because i wont eat them as fast ! heres some things i rotate through depending on how sick of them i am lol.

regular food

built bars - essential for me. tons of protein, less sugar than other bars, and relatively low cal.

somebody on here introduced me to these and im soo glad they did. i dont remember who but if youre seeing this ilysm.

tuna creations packets - rly good for on the go, tons of flavors, lots of protein so they're really filling for only being 70-90cals depending on the flavor

blueberries + apples - so hard to over eat these two items, plus fiber

rice cakes - self explanatory

pistachios or sunflower seeds - great for curbing hunger, but im a little sick of them rn

a low cal air popped popcorn - i forget which brand i have rn, but its pretty good and has a lot of fiber.

chobani yogurt + yogurt protein drinks (50cal) - the fact that these r 50cals amaze me for how good they taste. the yogurt drinks are my favorite bc theres actually a shit ton of protein and taste pretty good without actually having to make myself a protein shake. the cookies and cream and peaches and cream are my favorites ive tried. good for breaking a fast with.

thats all i can think of atm ! sry for the fucking essay i hope this was a little helpful at least.

typing this out manically made me realize im a little crazy. i cant say with my whole chest that you should listen to me and my d1sordered thoughts, but i think everyone on here knows that already so... uh

please be kind to yourselves. take ur vitamins (even while fasting) i genuinely love you all every one of you fucked up bitches like me.

goodnight <3

[loafbud]

Hrmm..... misophonia ramble 🔇

Just heard one of my triggers and I felt like venting!

The thing that sucks about my triggers is that one is common thing that everyone normally does and the other thing is also very common thing everyone normally does. It's not something I can simply avoid or minimize my exposure of: literally the only way I could avoid it is by isolating myself socially and physically, which... sucks ass. I don't want to tune out whenever someone's trying to talk to me while I'm wearing headphones.

Reclusive as I may be, a part of me does want to have at least some social experience in my life. But misophonia is like a roadblock to me for having that so, yay

I hate that my triggers is daily sounds. Especially when the chances of me hearing my more severe one is being mid-speech or if someone has a sore throat. I always gotta take hits at least five times a day, and it's physically and mentally hurts. 🫠

And it's not like I can tell people "hey the very normal human sounds you do make me feel suicidal!" That's like..... telling them "hey when you're around me, hold your fucking breath and don't breathe until I leave the room!" I'm afraid that they'll think that they've been hurting me all these years, but i'm like NOOOO PLEASE don't blame yourself for doing something normal and natural!!! You're NOT actively trying to hurt me, it's just MY BRAIN that translates the sound into knives in my hears..... idk WHY but it DOES, and i HATE my brain for that

I've never told my family about my suffering from misophonia: I've kept it to myself & have been masking it ever since fucking middle school, and I'm in my mid-20s rn

So I'm like... stuck. 🤨

Even when I have noise blasting and splatoon music blasting, I always have the hear the "shapes" of my misophonia triggers. (Like, still hear them but not at crystal clear volume)

I've already admitted... "defeat" in a way? Like, "Loaf, just suck it up and deal with it, this isn't something you can't run and hide from." So I just have to deal with it.

I have to mask everyday when I hear it: I try to hide it, but hearing any of my misophonia triggers gives me this knee-jerk reaction: I scowl, I shake my head like a wet dog, might even suppress a growl.

Like one day right before a family member left, they had a minor sore throat recovering from a common cold so they cleared it... and right after they closed the door behind them, I punched my fucking chest and had that shit sore for like... three days? "Why did I do that? Why did I do that?" I just paced around the house then cried in my room to just get the feelings out of the way. Admittedly, I almost panicked because I thought that shit was gonna evolve into something, but then goodness the ache had went away about a week ago. Again, it was only sore for a few days (my body was probably like "what the FUCK was that")

I don't want misophonia to be the reason I have missed out on life and waste my early adulthood rotting in my room, man. Its the reason I missed out on so much social and outdoor experiences already.

Suffering from this is also the reason why Vinyl exists as my fursona. Vinyl's the personification of my anger, that fire that swells within me. They're a representation for my more "darker" emotions.

So, ever since June 2019, I've been taking whatever aggression and depression I feel after I get misophonically triggered and just transmute that shit into art. I've been doing that a lot more, instead of threatening myself to put that pent-up energy into hurting myself again.

And even if these triggers do make me feel like doing something irreversible... I'll never bring myself to actually do it. I just try to sit and listen to my thoughts, just to hear them and listen, as uncomfortable and suffocating they get. I still have these, but again what I've been doing is (if i have any energy) I just put the feelings out into art. Most of the time I just sleep it off though, LOL.

Over the past 5 years, I've been drawing vent art to get my feelings out. I draw vent art for a variety of reasons, but my misophonia is one of them. I have like.... three or four that I never plan to post online cuz the imagery involves self-harm and suicidal ideations.

Hmmm...... but yeah. Normally this is where I'd say "i apologize for the ramble/vent" but...... this is tumblr: it's a blog site, Loafbud LOL

Mentally, I'm feeling fine. A tad bit better ever since writing this. Still a little shaken up from being triggered, but I hear it every day either way. I'm hoping that with time I eventually just hear it and then become numb and unphased to it.

But other than that...... just gotta ride it out. Me and my fucking ✨bestie✨, Misophonia. Who knows how long we'll be together?

No matter..... I REFUSE TO LET IT DEFINE ME. I WILL LIVE.

Love yall 🫶🏿

[grechsblog]

i have some fic ideas im not sure i will ever post because. unfinished hell. but if i hypothetically had to chuck an additional looper at saapfrin after they make another wish, should it be the universe chucking odile (as someone closest to understanding siffrin, instead of chucking another actual siffrin) there and observing what's happening or the universe itself trying to squeeze itself into a shape and mind of something person-like and waddling there to try to resolve the issue in a new and excitingly more human(e) way. bceause i. cannot decide and not sure if i can dedicate myself to writing one (1) thing, nevermind two.

anon. my dearest fella. my beloved friend. i dont know who you are but for the health of everyone in the nearest future heed this warning - you cannot go into my inbox with a string of words like that and not expect a Certain And Very Specific Reply.

it is probably unnoticable because i have only two works in here that only juuuust about touch the whole universe-involvement can of worms currently but i. am. biased about semi-divines and/or full on gods in any plot. like very. like 'wrote at least one wip about this to every fandom ive been in' very. like 'if you put a fic with creatures like that and a bottle of water before me in the desert while im nearly dead from thirst i will hands down go for the fic' very. i literally cannot stress this enough- you are dangling the reddest fucking cloth ive ever seen in my life before me.

im not sure if I will write it- considering i am very much cooking a very similar (but also a bit different) fic rn- but to anyone reading this out there! if you have recs. if you wrote any even if its not exactly that.

do you mind sharing with the class..? 🥺🥺🥺

[dani-ya-dig]

OKAY I FINALLY HAVE TIME SO ITS TIME FOR DANI TO FINALLY RANT ABOUT THE SAM AUDIO!!!

Written as I’m listening to the audio again so I don’t forgor.

I think it’s been out long enough to avoid spoiler but I’m gonna put the cut just because this post is probably gonna be really long.

The beginning of this audio scares the shit out of me not matter how many times I listen to, like he is fucking ZOOMING. At least this time he has a reason to be zipping all over the place. Unlike in his “talking about the future” audio where that motherfucker used vamp speed up the stairs for no goddamn reason

Also I appreciate the fact that Darlin ran into Sam, fully shifted. They hit him first and only then were like “oh yeah I’m a giant wolf rn”.

CHRIST DARLIN! THE MAN JUST SHOWED UP LET HIM BREATHE BEFORE YOU JUMP HIM

Ugh love me a Sam reverse comfort audio. This is DELICIOUS

Circling back to Sam’s tendency to bury his emotions in the moment, and only allowing himself to feel them when he is in a safe space (cough cough Darlin)

“I guess that says a lot about what family is to me” STOPPPPPPP

“Apparently I’ve got a knack for landing myself in shit. And then sticking around long enough to get convinced it’s all I deserve” IM ACTUALLY FUCKING CRYING I HATE IT HERE. HE IS ME FR.

“I. Am not. A Solaire” DAMN RIGHT SAMMY! GET HIS ASS!

Sam kind danced around this part but I noticed it immediately. The way he kind of paused when he talked about William putting giving him a house as a form of trying to make himself more favorable to Sam. Sam worded it as him favoring stability and needing that. But also like… one thing that Sam talks about repeatedly in his playlist is how important the idea of home is to him. And William gives him a house… an attempt at giving him a home, so that the “home” is inherently tied to him in Sam’s mind.

I know it was well intentioned on William’s part but god it feels fucking grimy nonetheless

Sam might not think that William is and evil mustache twirling villain, but I do /j

Real footage of William Solaire rn

“I’m a healer. Not was. Am.” YES THE FUCK YOU ARE SAM!

No because actually Sam is so right. He IS still good. He CAN still help. I’m not 100% on the lord of vampire or how difficult it would be for a vampire of Sam’s age to externalize magic. But it’s pretty damn impressive that he can do what he can do even after his core was entirely replaced. He must have been a STRONG like super strong freelancer for that much of his powers to remain after his turning. But it’s also not just healing magic he can still manage even though that definitely would have been his specialty and the type of magic he studied the most. The other types of magic we have heard of him doing are also cleaning magic and earth elemental magic (WHICH YO???). Like that’s impressive imo.

Also we have all talked about Sam joining Shaw Security on night shift at this point. BUT!!! After Sam talked about how he wanted to be a healer still but only wasn’t because that wasn’t what the house needed from him. I hope that he gets hired on as Shaw Security’s professional healer <33

I don’t know how viable that would be. But I think it could work. I don’t imagine he would be patching up multiple huge injuries everyday so it could 100% work!! GUYS I SWEAR PLEA–

(Erik if you’re spying through your secret tumblr account give me what I want)

Sam will never have to go to another summit again 🤞

NO ONE WILL PUT THAT MAN IN A SUIT AGAIN!! HE IS FREE!

Sam and Darlin are so in love with each other. They deserve to be happy, just for a little bit. I need a moving audio with them. Them just packing up their shit <33

Okay did I love this video. Yes! It was Sam, so like that’s bound to happen with me lmao. But also like it was just nice. I enjoyed it. I hope Sam gets to find more of who he is outside of the house.

But also because my hyperfixated menace ass can’t keep my nose out of spoiler I KNOW THAT SAM BITES DARLIN IN THE BA AND I JUST COSSBDKDBX

Look I get why it happened logistically. It’s been a long time coming, and now that Sam’s out of the house of Solaire, they aren’t going to be facilitating his need for blood bags anymore. So he is gonna need to feed on something. It makes sense.

But I wish that decision like that regarding trauma Sam has around his turning would stop being made in the aftermath of very emotional moments. Like when he decided he was ready to go further with Darlin, I wish it would have come from a place of “Ive worked through everything that happened to me, and I love you, so I really want to take this next step” instead of “I’ve seen so many people die, and I have been reminded how fragile life is, and I am terrified of the thought of not getting to do this”.

Idk maybe it’s just me, but things like that don’t feel like decisions that should be made when you feel like life is crumbling down around you??

Also it brings up the logistical issue of, Erik didn’t explain that to the non-patreon listeners. So like… if it gets brought up in future audios a lot of people are probably gonna be a little confused, since I only know because I snoop through Sam spoilers.

Eh. But all in all, live laugh love Sam Collins and stay livin la vida loca I guess

[canonically47]

review pls

EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP YUL HAD HIS ASS HANDED TO HIM AND WE GOT JAJAMES IN THE FINALE. ONC DO NOT FUCK THIS UP FOR ME.

DCAS ep 19 - review

spoilers !!!! (but you knew that.)

tom saying jake sees the best in people was so fucking funny i'm sorry like we both know He Does Not. even the line was like 'despite his anxieties he..' baby ur literally saying 'despite not seeing the best in people he really does see the best in people' you are so fucking stupid

side note tom is actually an idiot, unironically. not haha himbo idiot just an actual fucking idiot. how is he 30. how is he a fan favorite. HOW IS TOMJAKE A FAN FAVORITE SHIP nonono im not talking about this rn im NOT (claws at my enclosure)

ugh i forgot tomjake is like. a thing. and not a very bad made-up fanon ship. and they're giving them a spin-off. for a sec i allowed myself to exist in a world where ONC made good writing decisions. what a world it was

james being jake's biggest hater was amazing. almost unleashed my inner jake hater. there is still time though, trust

kinda sad to see huntess not hang out with anyone but each other. i was waiting on tess interacting with gabellie or something

on the bright side, GRETT HAVING A MOMENT WITH GABELLIE??? HELLOOOOOOOOO?????? CAN YALL HEAR ME???????????????

gabgrellie save me.... save me gabgrellie............

speaking of ellie she looked so off the entire episode. why did her eyes move like that. am i crazy. she looked so ugly

oh my fucking god they fucking burnt yul's face. that's crazy. grett the woman that you are <333 i might actually draw the prick because he looks cool now

i am also sooooooo glad they're not giving him a half-assed redemption arc. they know he sucks ass. at least we have that

krystal saying "that's the good shit" was the most embarrassing thing ever in fact her entire part before dinner was embarrassing. why did she keep. doing that and saying that. girl why are you interrupting the moment you want to get on camera are you an idiot

also she fell victim to the inconsistency bc tell me why she was bitching and moaning the entire season about 'those that really matter' and being all lpvey dovey about her friends but then derek is like 'trevor :)' and she goes 'why arent u professional' girl.

and derek. man. we all know youre lying genuinely fuck you. 'he matters to me' GIRLLL WHEEENNNNNNNNNNN HAVE YOU SHOWN THAT 😭😭😭

FIORE AND ALEC!!! ALEC SCOWLING THEN LOOKING AT FIORE AND INSTANTLY SMILING!!! HIM PROTECTING HER FROM YUL!!! HIM COVERING HER EYES WHEN YUL GOT BURNED!!! TH!!! THE!!!!!!! THE FATHER-DAUGHTER DUO EVERRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😭😭😭

now allow me to be even more not normal

JAJAMES CRUMBS 🗣🗣🗣‼️‼️‼️🔥🔥🔥 JAMES IS HELPING JAKE IN THE FINALE EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP HERE IS HOW JAJAKEDEN NATION CAN STILL WIN- [gets shot] [gets shot] [gets shot] [gets s

please god PLEASE LET THEM BECOME FRIENDS because if they do i will actually write DSVC fic about jajakeden getting together. i made a promise to myself to never write DSVC fic but if they become friends. i will be so. fucking. annoying.

JAJAMES PLEASE BECOME FRIENDS PLEASEEEEEEE PLEASE 😭😭😭

sooooo glad fiore not only did not pick riya but also GAVE HER THE DISADVANTAGE. JAKE FANS HERE IS HOW WE CAN STILL WIN

why did they bring emily back just to make her a bitch.

JAJAMES PLEEEEEAAAAAASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE 😭😭😭😭😭

there are many things wrong with this ep (like derek existing, and also his lines, and also yul existing,,, and the stuff ive pointed out) but its ONC. i'll throw them a bone ig. i'm okay with what we got, it obviously wasn't a masterpiece and it felt fanservice-y in parts (yk that one post or ask or whatever that says season 1 & 2 DSVC was a show a fandom was built off, but season 3 is a show built off the fandom? yea some scenes reminded me of that. coigh cough krystal mildly breaking the fourth wall.) but i'm glad connor only got like 2 seconds of screentime, fiore and alec got along, and the jajames crumbs oh my.. <3

overall, an 8/10 and if my memory isn't failing me this is probably the best rating since ep 13?? but yea it was a good episode i'm fine with it. im surprised they didnt ruin.everything. bc yk its ONC. so yea!!! yay yippee yay!

i am so glad there are only 2 episodes left . istg if i watch the spin offs or new seasons i need yall to shoot me. and remember how i was talking some time ago about rewatching the entire show after DCAS came out fully? yea no. not doing that. when episode 21 comes out i will be cheering because i will finally put DSVC behind me. i fucking hate this show WE ARE ALMOST FREE!!!!!!!!! CHEERING