#but i can only make myself do one fucking thing rn and its the least relevant thing where the deadlines are negotiable. why

[puppyeared]

ive made myself more wet and pathetic

[coridallasmultipass]

Halloween costume hint:

(The stitch marker and the word that describes this colour-pattern of yarn [or fabric] are 2 more hints.)

[phagodyke]

sometimes I wish I was a more interesting + charismatic person just so I could keep conversations going bc I like sharing space with other ppl but they routinely lose all interest and leave once I run out of things to say/start talking abt things that don't concern them :-(

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[silverislander]

symptoms disorder is causing symptoms of a disorder to me once more. shocking and tragic. who could have predicted this

[m4yasnotthatcool]

SID JENKINS X F!READER

angst + comfort hc fic drabble thingy

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

(a/n) nobody requested this, i just made one of my friemds choose 1 or 2 to figure out if i wanna write for sid or freddie, made her choose the format and the genre and then i left her alone😽🎀 (luv u pooks<3)

also girl im listening to some fuck ahh the nbh rn, kill me (i love it, i chose it)

warnings: profanity (its skins, what did you expect?), reader has boobs (very silly goofy, ik.), i think it could be read as gn reader but when i wrote it i had myself in mind so... f!reader?..., also michelle and tony are brefly memtioned at one point (as chelle and tone iykyk), also might contain spoilers(as in, it does contain spoilers)

---------------------------------------------------------

•summer is a season both you and your boyfriend, sid, hate dearly;

•you still had sleepovers, only at this time of the year, the heat left over from the day before made it unbearable to sleep like you usually did (which was usually one of you on top of the other if im being honest);

•so here you sat now, layed out on sids bed, a thin sheet covering one of your legs and your lower abdomen, trying to maybe get at least an hour or two of shut eye before the sun would rise once again;

•sitting there, you felt your boyfriend shuffle in his sleep. you didnt think much of it seeing as he often moved while sleeping, until you felt his arm thrown across your abdomen;

• you let him be, thinking that was going to satisfy his yearning for physical contact, but you were wrong;

•not even a couple of minutes later, he rested his head on your chest while his arms hugged you, his hands interlocking behind your back;

•you tried desperately to cool off, kicking the sheets off of your body. unfortunately your attemptes fell unsuccesfull as the obvious heat sorce sitting on top of you had not moved;

•gently lifting him up and laying him next to your spot on the bed, you got up. "ugh, wanker..." you looked at the sleeping teenager next to you. some sheets tangled between your legs made you trip but you cought yourself on his desk, knocking over a few late assignments he had yet to turn in. "well, its not like he would ever get to doing them anyway" you tought as you regained your composure and left the room heading for the stairs.

•you now sat on top of the counter of his kitchen, a glass of cold water in hand from which you periodicly took small sips;

•the only thing you could focus on was the ice cold water sooting your agony as it seemed to indeed help you cool off after the encounter with the sleeping form of your boyfriend;

•"there you are" you heard sids voice come from behind you, a sheepish smile plastered on your face at the tought that his first concern after waking up was you;

•"oh, NOW you wake up" you giggle to yourself as you feel his elbow resting next to you on the counter;

•"what do you mean?" he asks you, tiredness evident in his tone "i mean, yea, ive been sleeping good, but did you try to wake me up or something?";

•"nah, didnt wanna interupt your beauty sleep" you nudge his side playfully "god knows you need it"; "it was just too hot up there, especially with you resting your head between my tits";

•he gasped dramaticly "i would never do such a thing!" ... "sid you and me both know you stare at 'chelles tits whenever we see her and tone' so cut the bullshit" "yea, youre right, im looking at yours right now and they look..." you punch his arm as a warning to not continue what he planned to say;

•"sid, hon, its hot as bollox back in your room, so as much as im flatered by your comments on my great personality id prefer we sleep a little farther apart tonight. you know, just so i dont spontaneously combust while you focus on my boobs on eather side of you head";

•sid slightly laughes before pausing. "can we... go back to bed please?" he avoids your gaze after saying that, making you drop your teasing tone. "sure sid" you say as you hop down from where you were sitting, placing the glass near the sink"are you okay?" you ask your boyfriend,

•"yea, why wouldnt i be?";

•"well, for starters you not only woke up, vut also got out of bed? at 4 am? you?";

•"i didnt know where you went, okay? i just..." he sighed and looked at the floor "i dreamt i lost you too, you know?";

•"well shit..." you murmur as you aproach the boy in front of you;

•you reach out your hands, cupping his face to make him look at you; "look, im here, see? im fine, you dont need to worry, okay?" you say as you reach on your tippy toes, giving him a quick peck before letting yourself fall to your normal height once again;

•"yea... i know" he smiled down at you before continuing "so... can we go now?";

•"sure dude" you smiled back at the boy in front of you before taking his hand and leading him back to his room upstairs;

•its safe to say you didnt get much sleep that night, seeing as he climbed on top of you once again as soon as he feel back asleep, but you didnt get up again; sure, you did try to push him off of you a couple of times, but seeing his persistence you gave up quickly;

---------------------------------------------------------

random ahh hc:

after his mom leaving and his dad dying, bro was an emotional wreck;

he became even more clingy than before, trying to somehow make sure you wont leave him too;

so, in return, you had to make sure he knew how much you cared for him;

you know how he followed tony everywhere? and how he showed up at his house? yea, well scratch that, youre his tony now. he shows up at your house unnanounced and ends up sleeping with you on your bed just because he feels like it. like, this of the codependency between him and tony and youve got the general idea of how hed act and what hed do. (their relationship was nothing if not low key homo erotic. well, at least on tonys part ig-);

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

okay so thats it guys omg

(i havent written anything in a very long time so im sorry if its ass lmao)

anyway, feel free to point out any spelling mistakes or anything like that, i really dont mind

other than that, have a great rest of your day/night!

[pattypanini]

Lay All Your Love On Me

Chapter 11- Forever and Always

Josh Kiszka x Reader

Word Count: 4.6k

TAGLIST

AN: Hi everyone! Here is the eleventh chapter of Lay All Your Love On Me from me and @mar-rein12! We are veryyyyyy sorry with the late chapter. The first 8 chapters we had prepared for a while but the last 3 have been made throughout the week whenever we had free time which is like never when your college students. But we're excited for you guys to read this, its a crazy one but we have good stuff for the future! We tried to play around with time skips and stuff, so if its confusing let us know so we can fix it for the future. So enjoy the eleventh chapter, Forever and Always

Warnings: 18+, SMUT, penetrative sex, fingering, butt stuff..., cursing, angst, slut shaming, fighting, fluff (comment if I missed any!)

Josh’s POV 

You are currently sitting in your musical theater composition seminar and couldn’t focus on anything. You were still thinking about your night with y/n a couple days ago. You haven’t been able to stop thinking about her. You needed her badly. You sit on your computer and attempt to take notes on the class but instead find your way onto a flower website. 

Maybe, I should order a bouquet for her, to surprise her. 

You scroll through the website completely disregarding your professor's lesson. You find a bouquet filled with pastel colored tulips. You remember her mentioning she had liked them before. As you look at the price, realizing it is only $70, you add it to your cart. 

You pay $10 for express delivery, in order to get it to her by the end of the day. You love doing nice things for her and you know this will make her so happy. You attach a message to it, signing it off with Love, Josh.

You click the place order button and let out a deep breath. Love Josh. You were feeling pretty bold for that one. You do love her though, or at least you feel like you could love her. She is everything and more that you look for in a woman. She is confident, hard-working, funny, and so incredibly beautiful inside and out. 

You continue daydreaming about her until your professor decides to end class a little early. As you walk to your next class you feel a buzz come from your pocket. 

3:12pm y/n: I don’t know if you have class rn, but if you don’t you should come back over to the dorm. I have the place to myself and I miss you. 

3:13pm Josh: No class at all, I’ll be over.

You would do anything to be able to see her, no matter what it takes. You quickly make your way over to her dorm, walking a little faster than you’d like to admit. But she just has that effect on you. Once you make your way up, you knock on the door. The door swings open, almost as if she was waiting for you.

‘Hi Joshy, I missed you.” She embraces you, wrapping her arms around your neck. You look down at her noticing she is dressed in only a thin, black satin robe. 

“I missed you too. What are you up to?” 

“I was actually about to hop in the shower!” She giggles, turning around to walk towards the bathroom. You just stand there not really knowing what to do with yourself. She halts her steps to whip around, facing you again. “You coming or not?”

 You immediately walk over to her discarding your shoes and shirt along with your backpack at the front door. Once you make it to the bathroom you kick off your pants and under garments, being left completely exposed to y/n. The only sound that could be heard was the hot water hitting against the shower floor. She slowly unties her robe, letting it fall to the floor. It feels like something out of a movie. 

Your eyes scan over every inch of her body. All the curves, dips, and perfections about her. 

“You’re so fucking sexy y/n.” Your hands connect to her sides, pulling her closer. “I need you, and your body so bad. Can I make you feel good princess, please?” She looks up to you with her doe eyes.

She sultrily struts over to the glass door of the shower, placing her hand on the handle. “You want me so bad? Well, then, you gotta come get me.” She pulls the door open to step inside, you run over to quickly step in from behind her. She tilts her head back and lets the hot water saturate her hair, and smudge her makeup. The way her mascara melted under her eyes turned you on way too much. You wanted so badly to push her down to the ground and make her suck you off but you wanted to make this about her. 

You immediately push her up against the wall. Your bare chest flush with hers, with your hands placed on either side of her head.“You just can’t control yourself can you?” She teases you, attempting to push her hips up into yours, under the stream of warm water. 

“Honestly, It’s hard for me to control myself around you, you’re so fucking perfect. Always making me want to fuck the shit out of you, like the dirty little girl I know you are.” You take your knee and place it in between her thighs, giving her the most perfect amount of stimulation on her clit. 

Her head flies back smacking against the shower wall with a sharp moan, far too turned on to feel the pain of it. Your lips connect with her in a passionate kiss. You gently slip your tongue past her lips, her gladly accepting it. You continue just like that for a few minutes until she pulls away. “Mmm… Josh…”

“What baby? Is something wrong?” You give her a concerned expression, eyes slightly widened. 

“No, nothing is wrong. I just need you to fuck me, hard. Right here. I can’t wait any longer” She begs, connecting your lips again with a quick kiss. 

You pull away this time, “Yeah? You want me to fuck you hard, right here?” You take your hand, lifting her chin up to look at you. She gives you a little nod, but that was not good enough for you. “Words, mama. Tell me exactly what it is that you want.”

“Holy shit, Josh. I’m so fucking wet for you. Feel it.” She takes your hand in hers, moving it to rest in between her legs. You drag your pointer and middle finger up her slit, collecting her slick on your fingers. You audibly moan at the sight before you, she looks too fucking good, its criminal. 

“Goddamn, yeah…you’re fucking soaked. Turn the fuck around, now.” You command her. She obeys, turning her body around to face the wall. Your hand finds its way to her back, pressing her up against the wall fully. You lean down to whisper in her ear, “Now mama, tell me what you want me to do to you.” 

You can feel her squirm under you, practically begging you to touch her. She turns her head to the side, “I want your fat cock inside of me Joshy. Fuck me so hard I can’t fucking walk. I wanna feel you fill me up.” She places her left leg up onto one of the low shelves, to steady herself and to make herself more accessible to you. 

You stroke your cock a couple times before lining yourself up with her entrance. You take your time sliding in, to allow her to adjust to your length. She lets out a deep sigh once you’re fully seated inside of her. “You been thinking about this mama? Because I sure have. You’re a fucking angel, got me wrapped so fucking tight around your pretty little finger.” You don’t move your hips, just yet, your cock only resting inside her. 

“I’ve been thinking about this, Josh. You have no idea. Give it to me, please. I can’t take it anymore.” There's no way you can give into her that easily. You gather her hair pulling it all over to one shoulder, giving her a sweet, little kiss on her back. 

“And why should I give it to you sweetheart? You think you earned it?” You question her, biting down onto her tender skin, making her wince. 

“I know I earned it Joshy, I’ve been such a good girl for you. You think I just invited you over here to be nice? I know what I want Josh, and I want you to fuck me. So give that to me or leave.” She says with a smirk, knowing how much she can control you.

You don’t mean that mama, you know you love me.” Oh shit. 

“Do I now Joshy? I could say the same about you.” She smiles pulling you into a kiss. “Now, I said I need you to fuck me or leave, so which is it going to be?” You bring your cock to her entrance, teasing the outside while bringing it up and down her slit. After perfectly lining her up,  you grab her hips and slam her back onto your cock. 

She lets out a loud moan and clutches onto the wall in front of her. You know she can take it by now, so you don’t slow your pace. You continue pulling her back onto you but you feel her push back harder onto you, knowing she wants it deeper. 

“Harder Josh please, it's not enough.” Not enough? You weren’t insecure about your size or anything but you wanted to give her more. You disregard the shower you were meant to be taking and turn off the water. Throwing the door open you pick her up and carry her to her bedroom, throwing her on the bed paying no mind to her wet body. Her soaked hair leaves a wet mark around her head, on the comforter. 

You bring her legs up to your shoulders, letting them drape over like a backpack. You line yourself up and begin abusing her pussy. Your hands squeeze tightly around her ankles, guaranteeing marks the next day. You slam in and out of her without any thoughts in your mind other than the sounds of your skin slapping against hers. 

“Is this enough for you now, slut? You’ve been such a spoiled little brat, a quick little fuck in the shower wouldn’t be enough for you huh? You need to be fucked hard like the whore you are.” You continue on with hard, deep strokes to her aching cunt. She was wrapping around you so perfectly and so wet, allowing you to easily slide in and out. 

She was so relaxed that her body was just so free and loose. All her perfect little holes were opened up to you and you couldn’t help but wonder what other holes you could fill. You flip her onto all fours, pressing her face down into the mattress. You grab her hips, beginning your harsh pace again. Your hands make their way down her ass and one hand stops right at her asshole. You take your thumb and lightly press it on the outside, not allowing it to enter. You begin to hear quiet moans coming from her mouth that were different from the ones from before. These ones were softer and hungry for more, not the loud, pornographic ones you always hear. 

“Do you like that y/n, does that feel so good?” Slowly making circles on the outside of it.

“It feels so good, please put it in Josh.” She begs.

“What a dirty girl, needing all your holes filled. Practically begging me to put a finger in her ass” 

“I am begging, so do it before I do it myself.” Her hand begins to reach around and moves your hand. Before she can do it, you swat her hand away. You take your pointer finger and shove it in her mouth, wetting it for her. You slowly slide it in, not knowing if it was something she had done before. 

“Please, tell me if it hurts or you want me to stop mama.” You begin to gently pump your finger in and out, in time with your thrusts. She shoves her face deeper into the bed, muffling her moans. 

“It doesn’t hurt, I need more Josh, add another.” What is this girl on?

You pull the finger out, not wanting to shove it in her mouth again you end up spitting directly on her asshole, and start massaging the two fingers into her. You make the final push, both fingers plunging inside of her. You slowly increase your speed back up to what it was before, slowing down your thrusts upon noticing her fullness. 

“Fuck, Josh. Oh God.” Her body starts to squirm underneath you. You can tell she's getting close. 

“Mama, you’re so goddamn dirty, holy shit. Wish you could see yourself right now, all fucked out and on display for me. I have you so filled right now. I wish I could fill you up in all your holes.”

 She only responds with a sharp moan. That causes you to speed up your thrusts again, the hand that wasn’t in her ass grips tightly onto her hip. You rip your fingers out of her, giving her a harsh smack on the ass. She yelps, beginning to grip harder onto the comforter. 

“I’m gonna cum, fuck.” She whimpers on, her eyes half lidded.  You continue on with your pace, doing all you could to push her over the edge. 

“Do it. Wanna feel your pussy squeeze around my fat cock. I’m so fucking close too.” Her moans heighten, making you thrust harder and faster despite your movements getting sloppy. 

Her body begins to shake, as curses and moans fly out of her mouth left and right. You feel a tight squeeze around your cock before you feel a new type of wetness splash onto your lower abs. A feeling you know all too well. The feeling of her squirt against your abs sends you over the edge, filling her up with your cum. You pant and slowly pull out of her, laying down in the bed next to her. 

She looks over at you, eyes wide and out of breath,” ya know…I’ve never done that before.”

You turn your head over to look at her, “clearly you were enjoying it.” You smirk at her.

“Oh trust me I was. Makes me want to invest in some butt plugs or something.” She says as you begin rolling off the bed.

You stand in front of her with your arms stretched out, offering her your hand. She allows you to take her hand, pulling her up off the bed. 

“How about we try again with a shower?” She giggles at your statement and nods her head. 

You both begin walking over to the bathroom, to hop in the shower yet again. 

—

Jakes POV

You sit on the couch waiting for Josh to get back from class. Usually you guys would go to the gym after your Wednesday classes, but he was late. You scroll on your phone trying to waste time until you come across a funny video of a cat barking. 

You save the video to your favorites on Instagram to show Josh later. A few videos later the front door rattles and in comes Josh with wet hair and a huge grin on his face. What's his deal? 

You give him a questioning look, “You look like you just got laid brother.” You joke with him.

Josh chuckles at you, “I was just in class.” 

You could tell when your twin was lying, “Reallyyy… why’s your hair wet then?” You raise an eyebrow at him in challenge. 

“I had to use the eye wash station in chemistry today.” 

“You don’t take chemistry dumbass, if you're gonna lie come up with a better excuse.” 

“Fuck… you caught me.” So, he finally decides to be honest with you.

“So where were you then?” You’re determined to get the answer out of him.

“I was over at y/n’s.” He says nonchalantly, dropping his bag on the floor and flopping down onto the couch. “Are we still going to the gym?”

“I mean I was planning on it, hence why I waited for you but you were late.” You look at your phone seeing that he's an hour late and now it would be cutting into band practice if you went now. “I can’t go anymore, I'm gonna be late for the band.”

Josh doesn’t even seem to care, he's just sitting there on his phone laughing at whatever video he’s watching. What a dick.

“Oh my god you gotta see this Jake.” He’s still chuckling as he turns his phone around to show you a video of the local bar and this crazy guy freaking out and jumping behind the bar. 

You couldn’t help but laugh at the video despite being upset with Josh. “You're not gonna believe it. I literally saw him one time when I was there and he was being really weird and was doing the worm. I took a video I think let me see…” 

You scroll through your camera roll, Josh expectantly looking over your shoulder. You scroll up to a few weeks ago in your camera roll. You scan your eyes around where you think it would be and click on it showing Josh. You begin laughing but don’t hear much coming from your twin. You look over to see a confused and disgusted look on his face. 

“Jake…” you hear him say. 

You turn to look at him, your smile fading and confusion written all over your face. “What?” 

“What was that picture next to it?” he spat at you, anger filling his voice. 

You swipe out of the video and look at what is next to it. 

No. fucking. way.

Y/n’s nudes from weeks back were sitting in your camera roll. But there is no way he would know that they are hers. “I don’t really remember, it might be this girl from my class. We’re talking right now I guess.” Shitty lie.

“Girl from your class? Really, because that looks a lot like y/n.” He says pointing at your phone, eyebrows furrowing and free hand clenched into a fist. 

“How can you be so sure, the girl's face isn’t even in the picture, bud.” 

Josh stares into your soul, your eyes battling for dominance. You knew this wasn’t going to end well for anyone's case.

—

Y/n's POV

You're woken up from your pre-study nap to a loud knock on the door. You knew Char would be getting home late but normally when she forgets her keys she calls you. You quickly hop out of bed to answer the door. When you take a peek outside the door you see…Josh. 

“Josh? What are you doing here, did you forget something?” Your eyes scan over the room to see if anything was left. 

He darts in the door, without invitation, and makes his way to the couch and takes a seat. “Were you talking to anyone while we were?”

“Not romantically… I mean I was only talking to you. I pretty much cut off any prior things with everyone.”

“Did you start new ones?” He says clasping his hands together, squeezing them. 

“No- Josh what is this about? If you're gonna say something just fucking say it.” 

“Okay fine. How long have you been fucking my brother?” Your eyes widen, that’s the last thing you expected to come out of his mouth. 

“What the fuck are you talking about?! I’ve never even talked to him.” You try your best to defend yourself, but you don’t think it’s working too well. 

“So you’ve texted him, is that what you're saying? I mean surely talking in person wasn’t enough so you also had to text when he wasn’t around. Squirt? Does that ring a bell y/n? Or the nudes you sent to his phone?”

“Josh, I don't send that kind of stuff anymore. Not to anyone. Plus I never sent them with my face ever!”

“Yeah true but it’s pretty fucking easy to notice you with that fucking initial necklace you always wear.” He says pointing at it. 

“You can’t prove anything, you asshole.” You didn’t feel like dealing with this shit right now. 

“Really, wanna hear everything that Jake just told me?” You give him a certain look to just shut his mouth. 

—

2 hours before 

Josh’s POV 

“How can you be so sure, the girl's face isn’t even in the picture, bud.” Jake proclaims.

“That necklace that ‘girl’ is wearing is the same one y/n never takes off because her dad gave it to her. The little freckle on her neck, her hair draping over the shoulders, who is it then Jake? I know her and her body, that's y/n.” You snap back at him, seeing right through his little lie. 

“Like I said, it might be a girl from my class. It might also be some random girl I don’t remember?”

“Then why would it be on your phone if you don’t remember? Open your messages now.” You’re seething. If you could see yourself right now, your face would most likely be bright red.  

“I don’t have to do shit Josh. Damn. You’re fucking crazy.” 

“No go ahead and just swipe through, if I don’t see her name then fine.”

Jake sighs, pulling open his messages and slowly goes through showing that he had nothing to hide while you quickly look at the previews of the messages. Nothing crazy until you see 

2:14am Jake: I know he’s asleep. Come to the bathroom now.

With that you grab Jake’s phone and run to the nearest room. You slam the door shut, locking it quickly.

“JOSH STOP, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT DOING THAT!” Jake screams muffle from behind the door. 

You take a deep sigh, knowing that you don’t want to see what's in those messages, but the pounding on the door tells you that your suspicions are correct.

After clicking on the messages, you’re met with weeks of conversations between Jake and y/n. 

9:45pm y/n: What am I wearing tonight hottie?

9:46pm Jake: Didn’t expect to be hearing from you, I missed you.

-

9:56pm Jake: I told you I’ve had my eye on you for a while now.

-

11:16pm Jake: I miss you too sexy, and your body. I wish I could be with you, taking that slutty little outfit off. Who picked that out again?😏

11:17pm Jake: Of course, sexy girl. Show me what's mine.

11:18pm y/n: Who said I was yours?

11:18pm Jake: Is anyone else getting these pics?

11:18pm y/n: No

11:19pm Jake: Then they’re mine, along with your body, all mine.

Holy shit. This has been happening underneath your nose the entire time. You trusted y/n, and even worse, you trusted your brother. You took out your phone and took pictures of some of the messages. You knew you needed to confront y/n and you knew you weren’t going to give her any time to come up with a story. You take Jake’s phone and hide it deep in your closet knowing he’ll never find it. You didn’t want him to give y/n any warning about what was going to happen. 

You yank open the door making your way to the door while Jake hollers his apologies behind you. You completely ignore him, slipping out the door. 

—

Present Time

Y/n’s POV

You couldn’t deny the truth. He had evidence and there was no way of getting out of it. 

“Josh, we weren't together. I- I can explain.” You grab onto his arm trying your very best to fool him. He forcefully rips his arm out of your grip. 

“So what was that then, huh. You can’t expect to act that way with me and not make me think it's something more than friends, because it wasn’t no matter what you say, and you know that.” His finger digs deeply into your chest, discomfort rising within you from his jab. You back away from his harsh touch. 

“It was more than friends, I thought it was friends with benefits.” You feel tears beginning to form in your eyes, your lips quivering as you attempt to speak. 

“Holy fuck y/n. You’re so fucking stupid. We said that because we were horny for each other, but I thought after making the connection it was something more. I should have known it from the beginning.” You see tears start filling his eyes, a wash of anger flashes across his face. He lets completely loose on you. 

“You’ve always been a slut and I should have recognized that you wouldn’t be able to keep it in your pants for just one person, but hey go for my brother I guess. Was it convenient to just go to one bed and then hop into another only 5 feet apart? Probably the most efficient you’ve ever been, huh?” 

“You’re such a fucking asshole.” The tears are flowing down your cheeks now, sob after sob racking through your body. The thing was… he was right. You are everything he says you are. 

“I’m the asshole? Wow, y/n, real classy. Just admit it. Admit you fucked Jake. Then we can go back to the way things were before this goddamn musical.” 

“I don’t want to go back to the way things were before the musical. I made some mistakes and I'm sorry. But I just want everything to be how it has been.” 

“Oh yeah? When you were sleeping with both me and my brother? Fuck that. I don’t want anything to do with you, y/n.” 

“Did you even think about why I was getting with him in the first place? You selfish piece of shit, and for me to think you changed your ways.” There is no way he’s placing all the blame on you. 

“MY WAYS?! You're the one who hasn’t ‘changed their ways’ but please enlighten me as to why you would have to fuck me and my brother at the same time.” He says, crossing his arms across his chest.

“You have always been a fucking dick to me, and you know it. Jake treated me right from the beginning and made me feel wanted. I had to beg for your attention and for you to be kind to me. When you finally started to act the way a ‘boyfriend’ should act is when I cut it off with Jake.” You’re screaming in his face, begging him to hear you out, to understand. You stand there completely helpless in the middle of your living room, crying. 

"Damn it y/n I love you. I always have, I wanted to treat you that way but I didn't want to scare you off." His hands rubbing his face.

"Well you didn't do a great job showing it." You say in a snarking tone.

Josh walks up to you, incredibly close, his face right in front of yours. “You are a bitch.” You’re done with his shit, you forcefully shove him backwards and off of you.  

The room gets quiet, only being able to hear the heavy breathing of both of you bouncing off the walls. 

“Josh… please. I don’t want this to end.” You can hardly make out his body now standing in the doorway, through your tears. 

“I want that too… but I don’t know what else to do. This,” he motions between the two of you, ”is fucked.” You collapse on the floor, curling up into a ball, and just can’t stop your weeping. “I’ll text you tomorrow y/n, I need to clear my head after tonight.” The last thing you hear from him is the door slamming. 

After what feels like hours of laying on the floor weeping,  you hear knocking at the door.

Josh?

You pick yourself off the ground hurrying your way to the door. Maybe he wanted to talk it out more, figure something out.

When you get to the door you're met with no one. You look at your surroundings and notice a large bouquet of flowers sitting on the ground. You bring them in, hoping maybe they were from your dad who occasionally sends you flowers as a little gift. 

You set them on the counter and open the card. Your eyes scan the words, causing you to fall to your knees. What have I done? This is your fault. You are a slut. You don’t deserve anyone. 

Thankful for you, forever and always. Love Josh.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Taglist:

@demonrat444 @gvfstuddedmajesty @jordie-gvf @jazzyfigz @slut4lando @gvfmarge @peaceloveunitygvf @jjwasneverhere @areuirish @mar-rein12 @woyayaofdreams @freyjalw @musicspeaks @jennabobenasblog @do-it-jakey-baby @dannys-dream @its-interesting-van-kleep @josh-iamyour-mama

[reorientation]

zyn anon. sorry to spam your dms, i just have some updates i can't really share elsewhere lmao. only one of my irls know im fucking this boy but she doesn't know it was for nicotine pouches lmao

im not even "exchanging" my "services" for zyns anymore. i didn't like them at all, but id still occasionally ask for a tin or two here and there. to not let it get to his head ☺️. a month and a half later im just doing it for free 😒 he makes jokes now that im not even fucking him for product. and jokes that he got me addicted to him instead. so you were right about me becoming a budding addict for a straight mans cock.

we never had a convo about us being official, but he made it clear early on that he wants to be the only guy fucking me rn. i asked if he sleeps around with other girls, and he said he doesnt need to when im so eager for him. :/. he calls me his girlfriend in front of his roommate and gamer friends, too. but not to people we know mutually.

he's also a lot more affectionate now. we've been on an actual date, it was surprisingly romantic and really sweet, and not just me blowing him in his car. though I did after but that's not the point.

i pretty much dress exclusively femininely outside of our programs unisex uniform, i used run errands in boymode but im not even doing that anymore. i have a chosen name that can be shortened into something kinda feminine sounding so he just calls me that. even in front of classmates who dont know i have a pussy, and one that hes been inside of. and the "nickname" is catching on with our classmates too lol.

z anon. forgot to include the update. sorry, i ramble a lot.

i skipped my last two T shots ☺️ im still waiting on my iud appointment in a few weeks. unfortunately this also means i havent really been letting him inside me as often, since im still really scared of pregnancy especially this early on in this weird situation. i am blowing him a lot though lol. it's a win win for me since being on my knees for him with his cock down my throat is so damn hot, especially when he's kinda fucking my face and pulls my hair during it. but fuck its probably been at least a week since his cocks been in me and i miss it. a lot lol. hes so manly and strong, i miss how feminine i feel when im under him. his body would just inadvertently pin me in place, im painfully aware of how small and feminine i am in comparison to him. how truly heterosexual it all is.

but i cannot trust myself bro like i know even if i insist on him using a condom ill end up asking for him to take it off. if he doesnt outright refuse. and like it's so difficult because that turns me on more. i know ill end up having his dick in me sometime before I get my iud, i just gotta be responsible and power through the demons.

im still dysphoric through this situation, especially since stopping T and the fear of like. the few times hes cum in me before havimg a little more serious consequences. despite taking plan b after each time. but the horny part of my brain has never been happier. whenever i feel like backing out, i send him nudes or text him smth risky just for extra self encouragement. but he's on a camping vacation thing rn with his family, and the service is shit and i miss him 🥺 even outside of sex.

like I want to become his girlfriend, truly. and that would have me become a girl for him. which basically means becoming a girl fulltime. i guess that would actually just be going back to being a girl. all for a straight boy 🤦🏻

its hugely dysphoric but kinda nice, like a part of me hates how he's so much bigger and way more masculine than me without any effort, even outside of us having heterosexual sex. i get so dysphoric that he's taller, bigger, way stronger and just so clearly male. but apparently, i enjoy being a girl for him more than i hate it.

(Previously)

You know, Anon, this is awfully romantic.

I mean, listen to yourself. You got into this as a whore, offering to suck his dick for discounted nicotine pouches, but now you're pining over him, and wanting to be a proper girl so that you can be his girlfriend. You're definitely still a whore, but you're a whore with a heart of gold.

Not a smart whore, though. So scared of pregnancy, but you stopped your T before getting on real birth control, knowing that you can't stop yourself from begging for his bare cock. You're so desperate to be a good girl for him that you're consciously ramping up the risk of having his baby, just so that you can return to full femininity a little sooner.

You know, I got this anon after your last ask:

They're not quite right, in that this first update doesn't include a pregnancy announcement. But it's been a bit since you sent me this, and reading what you sent me, it's not hard to imagine you having already gotten started on the path to being a cute little baby mama to your straight boyfriend.

But even if you haven't... You're never going to be able to forget what this was like, will you? Losing your virginity to a straight man, and so easily losing your identity with it. Being pinned down by him with your legs spread and his bare cock in your pussy. The simple force of a man on top of you, and how simple it was to slip back into womanhood and welcome him in.

[raineyana]

What is your normal grocery list? I’m about to be living at a dorm and I am looking for stuff to stock up on, I can’t really keep frozen foods though

i actually dont even cook all that much so i dont keep a lot of frozen foods either. this is my regular list when i go, usually weekly.

FASTING FOODS

okay so youre probably like. raine you arent supposed to eat anything when you fast. hear me out bc this is how i consistently fast a 20-4 schedule everyday, with a lot less binges than before, AND getting all of the benefits of fasting. and yeah, i still binge from time to time, but my binges are far less because my stomach actually cannot handle being fed over 1000 calories anymore, especially not all at once.

these are my ESSENTIALS so theyre pretty much the only things i consistently buy weekly.

cucumbers

chicken broth (0cal kind)

seaweed snacks

pickled ginger

tea (any, but i like trying new flavors ! my favorite is lemon ginger because it helps digestion, and green tea because it speeds up your metabolism. also a lot healthier than diet coke with the same amount of caffeine, also less likely to spike your blood sugar and kick you out of ketosis- which will make your cravings for food much worse)

...dont get me wrong i couldnt live without diet coke. but sometimes ill go for the healthier option.

why i eat these foods while i fast

these are foods that have extremely low cals and carbs (like less than 2 grams per/serving) so they wont kick you out of ketosis (which is the major benefit to fasting, where your body burns fat at a higher rate). when youre in ketosis, your body stops sending you as many cravings, which is why sometimes it feels easier to fast 24 hours after you last ate as opposed to 3 hours.

because i spend the majority of my time fasting, (and i would never be able to do that without these foods) i go through these items pretty quick.

but otherwise i only have to buy other healthy foods on a biweekly or even monthly basis, because i wont eat them as fast ! heres some things i rotate through depending on how sick of them i am lol.

regular food

built bars - essential for me. tons of protein, less sugar than other bars, and relatively low cal.

somebody on here introduced me to these and im soo glad they did. i dont remember who but if youre seeing this ilysm.

tuna creations packets - rly good for on the go, tons of flavors, lots of protein so they're really filling for only being 70-90cals depending on the flavor

blueberries + apples - so hard to over eat these two items, plus fiber

rice cakes - self explanatory

pistachios or sunflower seeds - great for curbing hunger, but im a little sick of them rn

a low cal air popped popcorn - i forget which brand i have rn, but its pretty good and has a lot of fiber.

chobani yogurt + yogurt protein drinks (50cal) - the fact that these r 50cals amaze me for how good they taste. the yogurt drinks are my favorite bc theres actually a shit ton of protein and taste pretty good without actually having to make myself a protein shake. the cookies and cream and peaches and cream are my favorites ive tried. good for breaking a fast with.

thats all i can think of atm ! sry for the fucking essay i hope this was a little helpful at least.

typing this out manically made me realize im a little crazy. i cant say with my whole chest that you should listen to me and my d1sordered thoughts, but i think everyone on here knows that already so... uh

please be kind to yourselves. take ur vitamins (even while fasting) i genuinely love you all every one of you fucked up bitches like me.

goodnight <3

[grechsblog]

i have some fic ideas im not sure i will ever post because. unfinished hell. but if i hypothetically had to chuck an additional looper at saapfrin after they make another wish, should it be the universe chucking odile (as someone closest to understanding siffrin, instead of chucking another actual siffrin) there and observing what's happening or the universe itself trying to squeeze itself into a shape and mind of something person-like and waddling there to try to resolve the issue in a new and excitingly more human(e) way. bceause i. cannot decide and not sure if i can dedicate myself to writing one (1) thing, nevermind two.

anon. my dearest fella. my beloved friend. i dont know who you are but for the health of everyone in the nearest future heed this warning - you cannot go into my inbox with a string of words like that and not expect a Certain And Very Specific Reply.

it is probably unnoticable because i have only two works in here that only juuuust about touch the whole universe-involvement can of worms currently but i. am. biased about semi-divines and/or full on gods in any plot. like very. like 'wrote at least one wip about this to every fandom ive been in' very. like 'if you put a fic with creatures like that and a bottle of water before me in the desert while im nearly dead from thirst i will hands down go for the fic' very. i literally cannot stress this enough- you are dangling the reddest fucking cloth ive ever seen in my life before me.

im not sure if I will write it- considering i am very much cooking a very similar (but also a bit different) fic rn- but to anyone reading this out there! if you have recs. if you wrote any even if its not exactly that.

do you mind sharing with the class..? 🥺🥺🥺

[dani-ya-dig]

OKAY I FINALLY HAVE TIME SO ITS TIME FOR DANI TO FINALLY RANT ABOUT THE SAM AUDIO!!!

Written as I’m listening to the audio again so I don’t forgor.

I think it’s been out long enough to avoid spoiler but I’m gonna put the cut just because this post is probably gonna be really long.

The beginning of this audio scares the shit out of me not matter how many times I listen to, like he is fucking ZOOMING. At least this time he has a reason to be zipping all over the place. Unlike in his “talking about the future” audio where that motherfucker used vamp speed up the stairs for no goddamn reason

Also I appreciate the fact that Darlin ran into Sam, fully shifted. They hit him first and only then were like “oh yeah I’m a giant wolf rn”.

CHRIST DARLIN! THE MAN JUST SHOWED UP LET HIM BREATHE BEFORE YOU JUMP HIM

Ugh love me a Sam reverse comfort audio. This is DELICIOUS

Circling back to Sam’s tendency to bury his emotions in the moment, and only allowing himself to feel them when he is in a safe space (cough cough Darlin)

“I guess that says a lot about what family is to me” STOPPPPPPP

“Apparently I’ve got a knack for landing myself in shit. And then sticking around long enough to get convinced it’s all I deserve” IM ACTUALLY FUCKING CRYING I HATE IT HERE. HE IS ME FR.

“I. Am not. A Solaire” DAMN RIGHT SAMMY! GET HIS ASS!

Sam kind danced around this part but I noticed it immediately. The way he kind of paused when he talked about William putting giving him a house as a form of trying to make himself more favorable to Sam. Sam worded it as him favoring stability and needing that. But also like… one thing that Sam talks about repeatedly in his playlist is how important the idea of home is to him. And William gives him a house… an attempt at giving him a home, so that the “home” is inherently tied to him in Sam’s mind.

I know it was well intentioned on William’s part but god it feels fucking grimy nonetheless

Sam might not think that William is and evil mustache twirling villain, but I do /j

Real footage of William Solaire rn

“I’m a healer. Not was. Am.” YES THE FUCK YOU ARE SAM!

No because actually Sam is so right. He IS still good. He CAN still help. I’m not 100% on the lord of vampire or how difficult it would be for a vampire of Sam’s age to externalize magic. But it’s pretty damn impressive that he can do what he can do even after his core was entirely replaced. He must have been a STRONG like super strong freelancer for that much of his powers to remain after his turning. But it’s also not just healing magic he can still manage even though that definitely would have been his specialty and the type of magic he studied the most. The other types of magic we have heard of him doing are also cleaning magic and earth elemental magic (WHICH YO???). Like that’s impressive imo.

Also we have all talked about Sam joining Shaw Security on night shift at this point. BUT!!! After Sam talked about how he wanted to be a healer still but only wasn’t because that wasn’t what the house needed from him. I hope that he gets hired on as Shaw Security’s professional healer <33

I don’t know how viable that would be. But I think it could work. I don’t imagine he would be patching up multiple huge injuries everyday so it could 100% work!! GUYS I SWEAR PLEA–

(Erik if you’re spying through your secret tumblr account give me what I want)

Sam will never have to go to another summit again 🤞

NO ONE WILL PUT THAT MAN IN A SUIT AGAIN!! HE IS FREE!

Sam and Darlin are so in love with each other. They deserve to be happy, just for a little bit. I need a moving audio with them. Them just packing up their shit <33

Okay did I love this video. Yes! It was Sam, so like that’s bound to happen with me lmao. But also like it was just nice. I enjoyed it. I hope Sam gets to find more of who he is outside of the house.

But also because my hyperfixated menace ass can’t keep my nose out of spoiler I KNOW THAT SAM BITES DARLIN IN THE BA AND I JUST COSSBDKDBX

Look I get why it happened logistically. It’s been a long time coming, and now that Sam’s out of the house of Solaire, they aren’t going to be facilitating his need for blood bags anymore. So he is gonna need to feed on something. It makes sense.

But I wish that decision like that regarding trauma Sam has around his turning would stop being made in the aftermath of very emotional moments. Like when he decided he was ready to go further with Darlin, I wish it would have come from a place of “Ive worked through everything that happened to me, and I love you, so I really want to take this next step” instead of “I’ve seen so many people die, and I have been reminded how fragile life is, and I am terrified of the thought of not getting to do this”.

Idk maybe it’s just me, but things like that don’t feel like decisions that should be made when you feel like life is crumbling down around you??

Also it brings up the logistical issue of, Erik didn’t explain that to the non-patreon listeners. So like… if it gets brought up in future audios a lot of people are probably gonna be a little confused, since I only know because I snoop through Sam spoilers.

Eh. But all in all, live laugh love Sam Collins and stay livin la vida loca I guess

[canonically47]

review pls

EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP YUL HAD HIS ASS HANDED TO HIM AND WE GOT JAJAMES IN THE FINALE. ONC DO NOT FUCK THIS UP FOR ME.

DCAS ep 19 - review

spoilers !!!! (but you knew that.)

tom saying jake sees the best in people was so fucking funny i'm sorry like we both know He Does Not. even the line was like 'despite his anxieties he..' baby ur literally saying 'despite not seeing the best in people he really does see the best in people' you are so fucking stupid

side note tom is actually an idiot, unironically. not haha himbo idiot just an actual fucking idiot. how is he 30. how is he a fan favorite. HOW IS TOMJAKE A FAN FAVORITE SHIP nonono im not talking about this rn im NOT (claws at my enclosure)

ugh i forgot tomjake is like. a thing. and not a very bad made-up fanon ship. and they're giving them a spin-off. for a sec i allowed myself to exist in a world where ONC made good writing decisions. what a world it was

james being jake's biggest hater was amazing. almost unleashed my inner jake hater. there is still time though, trust

kinda sad to see huntess not hang out with anyone but each other. i was waiting on tess interacting with gabellie or something

on the bright side, GRETT HAVING A MOMENT WITH GABELLIE??? HELLOOOOOOOOO?????? CAN YALL HEAR ME???????????????

gabgrellie save me.... save me gabgrellie............

speaking of ellie she looked so off the entire episode. why did her eyes move like that. am i crazy. she looked so ugly

oh my fucking god they fucking burnt yul's face. that's crazy. grett the woman that you are <333 i might actually draw the prick because he looks cool now

i am also sooooooo glad they're not giving him a half-assed redemption arc. they know he sucks ass. at least we have that

krystal saying "that's the good shit" was the most embarrassing thing ever in fact her entire part before dinner was embarrassing. why did she keep. doing that and saying that. girl why are you interrupting the moment you want to get on camera are you an idiot

also she fell victim to the inconsistency bc tell me why she was bitching and moaning the entire season about 'those that really matter' and being all lpvey dovey about her friends but then derek is like 'trevor :)' and she goes 'why arent u professional' girl.

and derek. man. we all know youre lying genuinely fuck you. 'he matters to me' GIRLLL WHEEENNNNNNNNNNN HAVE YOU SHOWN THAT 😭😭😭

FIORE AND ALEC!!! ALEC SCOWLING THEN LOOKING AT FIORE AND INSTANTLY SMILING!!! HIM PROTECTING HER FROM YUL!!! HIM COVERING HER EYES WHEN YUL GOT BURNED!!! TH!!! THE!!!!!!! THE FATHER-DAUGHTER DUO EVERRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😭😭😭

now allow me to be even more not normal

JAJAMES CRUMBS 🗣🗣🗣‼️‼️‼️🔥🔥🔥 JAMES IS HELPING JAKE IN THE FINALE EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP HERE IS HOW JAJAKEDEN NATION CAN STILL WIN- [gets shot] [gets shot] [gets shot] [gets s

please god PLEASE LET THEM BECOME FRIENDS because if they do i will actually write DSVC fic about jajakeden getting together. i made a promise to myself to never write DSVC fic but if they become friends. i will be so. fucking. annoying.

JAJAMES PLEASE BECOME FRIENDS PLEASEEEEEEE PLEASE 😭😭😭

sooooo glad fiore not only did not pick riya but also GAVE HER THE DISADVANTAGE. JAKE FANS HERE IS HOW WE CAN STILL WIN

why did they bring emily back just to make her a bitch.

JAJAMES PLEEEEEAAAAAASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE 😭😭😭😭😭

there are many things wrong with this ep (like derek existing, and also his lines, and also yul existing,,, and the stuff ive pointed out) but its ONC. i'll throw them a bone ig. i'm okay with what we got, it obviously wasn't a masterpiece and it felt fanservice-y in parts (yk that one post or ask or whatever that says season 1 & 2 DSVC was a show a fandom was built off, but season 3 is a show built off the fandom? yea some scenes reminded me of that. coigh cough krystal mildly breaking the fourth wall.) but i'm glad connor only got like 2 seconds of screentime, fiore and alec got along, and the jajames crumbs oh my.. <3

overall, an 8/10 and if my memory isn't failing me this is probably the best rating since ep 13?? but yea it was a good episode i'm fine with it. im surprised they didnt ruin.everything. bc yk its ONC. so yea!!! yay yippee yay!

i am so glad there are only 2 episodes left . istg if i watch the spin offs or new seasons i need yall to shoot me. and remember how i was talking some time ago about rewatching the entire show after DCAS came out fully? yea no. not doing that. when episode 21 comes out i will be cheering because i will finally put DSVC behind me. i fucking hate this show WE ARE ALMOST FREE!!!!!!!!! CHEERING

[justices-blade]

☆ did someone say anniversary munday

from neffi!! thank you :D

celebrating TOA and the people who contribute to make our group what it is.

repost, don't reblog. only fill in what you feel comfortable sharing!

happy anniversary, TOA! here's to many more years spent together.

name: leo

pronouns: he/him

birthday: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

where are you from? what is your time zone? the states, but im in europe now and i aint plannin to leave, baybey. CEST!

how long is your roleplay experience? uhhh 13 years of which 11 were on tumblr. the passage of time is horrifying

how were you introduced to roleplaying as a whole? deviantart sonic oc self inserts. dont say anything

how were you introduced to TOA? im an avid skimmer of the tellius tag on tumblr and saw toa crop up a few times in the past but the concept of fodlan as a setting fundamentally scared me for a good while because it was the only fe game i wasnt even remotely familiar with. then one winter holiday in 2022 i saw neffis leonardo crop up in the tag and i was like lmfao it would be fucking hilarious if i started writing edward again right and then i blacked out for the next 12 hours and suddenly im here.

do you have any pets? nope. i do want a rat a spider or a snake though. maybe a toad even

what is your favorite time of year and why? autumn... its the cusp of summer and autum weather rn actually and im freaking thriving

what is your IRL occupation? graphic design student (help)

some interests and things you like/enjoy? gaming and writing are the no-brainers, but i also love dnd, drawing and making cosplay. despite being easily scared i also really like horror. also frogs are eternal i love frogs forever and ever

what non-fire emblem games do you play? currently it's mostly warframe, elden ring and arknights with some enstars on the side HAHA maybe xiv'll suck me back in soon < his ass still hasnt played dawntrail

favorite pokemon type & pokemon: favorite type is ghost, but the charcadet line has RICOCHETED to the top of my favorite pokemon list over spiritombs throne LMFAO

tell us some funfacts and trivia about yourself! i once wrote a poem based off of haurchefant greystone of ffxiv fame for korean school because i could not fucking think of anything else and i won a fucking award (minor) for a competition i didnt even know i was getting myself into????

i also inject frogs into any art assignments that i really dont want to do so i find the motivation to do them lmfao

how did you get into fire emblem? smash bros brawl baybey. i watched my friend play awakening for a bit but i only owned a wii (region locked. american. we were in europe) so i crawled to my dad all sopping wet and pathetic to ask if he could pretty please buy me por while he was on a business trip to i think LA. he brought back rd instead.

what fire emblem games have you played? hilariously exactly the same amount as last time (sorry) (gba, tellius, 3ds, engage)

first & favorite fire emblem games: radiant dawn all the way babyyyy

list your 5 favorite fire emblem characters across the series! chad leonardo edward limstella micaiah. yep

who was the first character ever to make you go “ooh I like this one in particular” and why? can be any context and reason! leonardo showed his pretty face on the screen when i was 14 and it was over for me

any fire emblem crushes? 😳leonardo showed his pretty face on the screen when i was 14 and it was over for me.

jokes aside im not sure i do crushes but if we're talking about current i think pandreo applies

if you’ve played (or are familiar with) the following games, who was your first s support? who would you s support nowadays? - awakening: stahl or miriel - fates: hinata... or beruka - three houses: jeritza probably i am going to be so real - engage: pandreo.

favorite fire emblem class? are thieves meant to be a gimmick/utility class. yes. do i care? BOY OH BOY. rogue my beloved... (also i inevitably end up doting on at least one archer and anima mage)

if you were a fire emblem character, what would be your class and stats? would you be playable? weirdly magic-heavy thief i think. playable only if he likes your vibes. probably have to recruit him like cath. i'm not even that good i'm best used for meteor/bolting/bersesrk etc bait

if you were a three houses character, what would be your affiliation? golden deer!

if you were an officers academy student, what would be your boons, banes and potential budding talent? boon in faith+axe, bane in riding+heavy armor, hidden talent in authority. no it does not mean i want to be in charge. but alas im reasonably good at it.

if you were an engage character, which nation would you originate from? i thought on elusia for a while but honestly i think its firene for me. i will never say no to citrus.

how do you pronounce TOA? 🤔toe-ah...

current TOA muses: edward, chad, denning

past TOA muses? its just been these three so far baybey

who was your first TOA muse? if you no longer have them, can you see yourself picking them up again? [gripping edward really hard as i hold him out towards the camera] this boy has lived in my brain rent fucking free for 11 years he is a vital part of my deciding whether i get fries with my burger order atp

do you believe you have a type of character you gravitate towards writing? reiterating this from the last time i filled this out: little guys and pensive freaks. i also fundamentally like characters who experience internal conflict of interests between their morality and their loyalty/duty/other social trappings. its tasty!

do you have characters or types of characters you don’t think you can handle writing, but wish you could? i love digging deep into lore and piecing it together even if its not immediately evident and a bit fragmented (its the soulsborne enjoyer in me). BUT if i need to do this for a main or major character with a bajillion dialogue and context clues strewn across three playthroughs of a game and i could easily overlook things i would be a little too scared of getting soemthing wrong. "oh x loves orange juice" "WRONG x said as a one off in the middle of this heavy story segment that he hates orange juice and prefers strawberry milk actually" i would fucking die. i would die

what kind of scenes, situations etc do you believe you enjoy writing the most? UNRELIABLE NARRATION. shit you look at and go "hm that aint whats going on rn at all". love that shit. i try to not overuse it but i love when it becomes more evident midway through a scene. good stuff. i also love writing impulsive stupid responses and vividly descriptive scenes, but also i love writing affection and devotion in general, even if exceptionally gooey and cavity-inducing, even if ill-advised and misplaced. there's so much more i can add here but i love writing i love writing with people i love writing with y'all. love and peace.

and violence. i used to be scared of fight scenes but now i love thinking in those milliseconds between the violence. flurries and slurries of blood. can i rip more shit apart pretty please

do you have any scenario in mind for your muse(s) that gets you thinking “man i hope i get to write this one day”? [stuffs my fist in my mouth and screams]

incredibly loosely speaking. i want edward to realise he's been a bit fucked up actually and have to sit in that thought instead of shrugging past it as usual. i want chad to sit with someone and just connect with them so they don't feel as alone (yes this has happened i just love when this happens). i want denning to forcibly feel an emotion, and whether they get better or worse from it might depend entirely on their company.

favorite TOA-related memories? sorry that i keep bringing up edwards 37.5 damage astra during the final fight of apollyon ouranos i just can't stop thinking about it. that's so much fucking damage. that said i loved banding together against the impossible and FUCKING WINNING

present or past tense? uhhh present < just had to go back to check

normal size text, small text, no preference? normal size is a bit easier for me to read, but i have no real preference

got any potential muse delusions to share? 😉 either you know my delusions or you don't . at any rate i don't think my rosters going to move anytime soon

[everynya]

sorry ive been mia today im oh so tired but i need to get some thoughts out and this is the only way i can gush abt my oc f/o cuz despite the fact i made an entire site for him and all i cant bring myself to talk abt. he. so um yea gush below…if u dunno who tf im talkin abt its all here wuahaha wait i change my mind dont look or whatever

i want him dead. is this anything

OK BUT SRS i made him like. around a tough time in my life after a friend gave me an idea for an oc f/o and holy fuck ive just been so hooked OC F/O SELFSHIPPERS I LOVE YOU ALL SO BAD GIVE ME UR STRENGTH OR SMTH

idk idk i just mixed a mess of characters or things i like or character i wanted to like but didnt and put it all into a conglomerate of a man and added in extra things ive always wanted to mess with….hello my fat short mixed wasian can we honestly edate

emihiko and nayla are like, idk, lots of weird mixes of things? emihiko holds a lot of traits i really adore in a character, i made him very loyal and determined and cocky and a bit of a weirdo nerd and nayla on the other hands holds aspects of me that idk i just need loved or smth. a vampire who constantly pushes people away and isolates pursued by a werewolf who persistently reaches out to him? haha. what do you call …that

he makes me happy. i guess. these two are so domestically annoying and sure theyre a vampire/werewolf but its the least relevant thing. i just wanted a dog boy. nayla finds such a joy with him yet is like ‘i fucking hate you so bad you sick weirdo’ and emi is like ‘hey cmon cant you give me one chanc- wait ur smiling. wait. omg do u like me? uh i mean i knew it lol haha u like me’ and the whole time they were cuddling on emis bed so its like Okay.

EVERY PIECE OF ART OF THEM STILL MAKES ME CRAZY BTW. BTWWWWWW. hahahahahahashhahshsqiisdjsiwjdidifidisisjwiwudiwuwiwejwiaididuf difi edifnod ok what the fuck is this post becoming my guy

hes just everything to me rn…i hadnt had another main fo in YEARS it was fuyu and peach for so so long like actually…and he just idk, i lauv him so so much i wanna **** *** ****** *** **** (kiss him. im just shy or whatever) curse that i have a top 3 now and theyre all BLONDE GRIPS MY HEAD

anyway perceive them again THAANKKK YOUUUU giggles and kicks my feet over this art again btw teehee hee..hee….im hopeless

[madisonrooney]

no one probably cares but. i wanna stress how big of a deal it is for me that im rewatching chunks of hannah montana, even if not the full series and even if out of order. not so much in the sense that it does bring up a lot of trauma (tho there is that...BUT i am pretty deliberately avoiding season 4 for that reason) but in the sense that like.

yknow that meme thats like "im going to create rules for myself that are so unnecessary" bc thats very much me. idk if its an autism thing but i do that so much. so basically when i need background noise i make myself watch whatevers on live tv and if there arent any shows i like on, i put on a dvd. could i just put on a dvd or streaming just if i felt like it or preferred it to whats on tv? sure, but my thing is ive been doing this for so long that if i change it now, that shows i couldve changed it ages ago and have lost so many opportunities to watch whatever i wanted. so to me it makes more sense to keep it this way. its stupid idk.

but leading up to and since d23, i like. physically could not stop myself from watching some hannah montana like i HAD to. i had been revisiting clips and eventually i was just like i am holding back serotonin from myself i just need to give in. and i did and man the RUSH it has given me.

im not entirely sure what my point is in posting this...ive wanted to for a few days but now im forgetting why lmao. tho im p sure its just that when i say "ive been rewatching some hm" its not as common of an occurence as you might think and just shows the deep state of brainrot im at rn, and im fucking loving it!!!!! not only have i spent so long struggling to hyperfixate on anything, but there were def periods over the last 15 years where i felt like i was forcing hm onto myself. not to say i didnt love it all throughout, but sometimes i would push it on myself when i was having an off day or more in the mood for a different hyperfixation. to come back to it so NATURALLY and PURELY and STRONGLY and GENUINELY!!!!! it feels so good!!!! and its just like...idk super heartwarming to me.

and i guess my other point is that i need to remind myself that there are easy things i can do to make myself happy that i prevent myself from doing for literally no reason so i need to work on that but at least this is a step in the right direction. like how i would force myself to catch up on the instagram stories of literally everyone i follow for hours and it would feel like a chore, when i could be doing something fun, especially with my few free hours on a work day. thankfully ive gotten myself out of that habit too but im sure there are some more walls i can knock down.

[swaglet]

One of the things that keeps me deep in ed is the fact that i hate having a "feminine body" I HATEEEEE having curves liek fucking hate it.

And the problem is no amount of weight loss will change the structure of my body so unfortunately I have to try to keep myself at a low weight to appear as if I have less curves.

Idk if you watched euphoria but rue (character played by zendaya) has my dream body she's so tall, skinny, "flat" like she looks "boyish" (i swear im not a creep 😭) and I so wanna look like that every time I wear something and see my curves pop out I wanna take a seesaw and just fucking remove them.

Whenever I discuss this w my friends they either tell me I'm humble bragging or they try to tell me that I'm non binary or some bullshit.

Like I jsut wanna have a slender body. Curves to me jsut make me look trashy and too "sexed up" I wanna look like a stick with no shape ffs

under a cut cos its kinda triggering material obvs and im yapping

oh nonnie this is exactly what kept me sick for so long too i'm so sorry to hear this is what you're going through as well :'( my mind always felt at ease when people told me i looked more like a little boy than a grown woman for reasons i'm sure we all have experienced at one time or another (COUGH misogyny and harassment and sexualization and objectification and and and)

i'm actually dealing with the fallout of it rn and it still messes with me mentally... 6 months ago i started birth control to stop my periods entirely to manage my pmdd and the excessive amount of blood i was losing during every period, and while my weight itself hasn't drastically changed at all (it stays within 5 pounds maintenance thanks to the lifting and protein usually i think), any of the body fat i DID has redistributed to make me even curvier than i was before. my boobs and ass are prominent parts of my figure now like they got HUGE compared to how they used to be (FLAT) and i have a small amount of new stretch marks on the inside of my thighs which means they must have gotten meatier and that checks out because a lot of my pantlegs and shorts feel tighter. literally because of that i almost relapsed so many times in the past 6 months but ive had the mental fortitude to just ignore the urge

what has helped me a lot is that, as i have gotten close to the people in my life that are related to my accomplishments that i am proud of (a lot of it having to do with college and my local music scene) and have become comfortable with opening up to them about feeling the way i do, almost all the women in my life have shared that they relate at least a little bit, but that my appearance and certainly not my weight or amount of curves i have don't bear any weight (pun intended) on determining how much they respect me, how talented they think i am, how good they think i am at my job/the things i do, how willing they are to work with me, and stuff like that. many of them have also offered me the advice that we only get one body, and there's only so much you can do to alter the natural shape of your body, and then within those limits there's only so much you can do that's healthy and won't disable you or damage your organs for the rest of your life, and it's unfortunate that men have made our bodies out to be this sexed object but we do really only have one shot at life and ultimately i think it's pointless trying to meticulously control how everyone around us perceives us. to be honest i have felt a lot better about it since i have been making less and less men as friends and making more women friends.

i want to say that curves, or any body shape, aren't trashy or too sexed up, they're just neutral forms that your body takes. you have little to no control over how your genetics and environment shape your bones and distribute your fat patterns aside from exercising in a way that keeps your body working and eating a nutritious diet to fuel you, so the shape of your body literally cannot have like. moral implications like trashy or slutty or sexed up or anything. i repeat that to myself when i look in the mirror every morning. my body is completely neutral no matter how it looks; my body is not the vessel that i, a formless brain, pilot around in the real world; my body is not a physical representation of me.. my body is just part of me, i am my body, my body is me, and anything my body looks like is how i look and that's how life is. i don't have to like how i look, i am allowed to be uncomfortable with it, but nothing is wrong with my body unless something physiologically about me is unwell (ex. joint pain, something is swollen or red, a medical issue basically) or is making me sick or unable to function. if it's something i can't control and can't change drastically without surgery or severely under- or overeating, like my boob size, butt size, thigh gap size, the shape of how my bones fit together and how my muscles and fat lays on top of the bones, then i just do the stupid therapy thing where instead of thinking negative thoughts i think a different thought and don't let myself ruminate on the negative ones i'm fixated on. for example, "my strong healthy non-starved body lets me play my trumpet very loudly and march strongly with force; underneath my gigantic ribcage is a gigantic set of lungs" or "my strong healthy non-starved body lets me go on bug hunts often without getting as tired and weak and needing to stop because now it's full of food that fuels me all day long and i eat like a cavewoman who was built to endurance hunt and gather trinkets all day" and one that i'm sure not many can relate to is "my healthy body lets me sweat now so i don't overheat and although sweating may be unpleasant and very uncomfortable it lets me know i'm alive and that my body is working correctly" and then i try my best to move on with my day

another thing i do is i pay A LOT of attention to the women around me who i look up to and respect; what do they look like? do i ever notice their weight or their curves and feel negatively towards them and have diminished respect towards them or feel disdain towards them? or do i feel a kinship with them if i do ever happen to notice, like "oh she is like me in that regard"? there has never been an instance where i have felt negatively about a woman in my life or lost any respect for her because of her shape, curves or no curves. i'm much more concerned about other things tbh, especially as i get older. idk how old you are nonnie, but in my experience it's very easy to be "boyish" anorexic when you're in your teens and like at the oldest 19 years old... even without synthetic female hormones (birth control) being added to my body, and even with a hormonal imbalance, at about 21 i started rly "growing up" and that's when i got hips and a little bit bigger boobs (still A cups nonetheless) and put on a bit of a belly pooch even when i was still way too underweight. those are just parts of a woman that exist on our bodies naturally and there isn't any judgement to be ascribed to them. every professor, every janitor, every coach, every grown 21+ student walking around my campus (and town!) looks like that regardless of what shape or size we come in. naturally underweight, naturally overweight, neither, curvy, blocky, straight as a board/fridge, regardless of what shape that's just how women are shaped i think. i wouldn't ever judge another woman for looking the way i look, i wouldn't judge another woman for her shape Ever, regardless of what i think her circumstances are, so by that logic i ought to apply that to myself.

another thing that brings me comfort, and you may not believe me with this one but im serious; nobody notices all the things you notice about yourself anywhere NEAR as much as you do. ppl who have known me for 4 years think im 120 pounds (i am 30 pounds heavier than that and they are always in disbelief when i tell them that) and always have no idea i have a small potbelly until i lift my shirt and show them. it's like one of my biggest insecurities in the world and literally no one knows or cares which is insane to me. if i ever get sad about it i tell myself that's where i keep my ovarian cyst at + all my air for when i sing/play instruments and it will go away with time as i get more gains and start eating right again

and nonny!!!!! "slender/stick with no shape" is still just as much of a shape as "feminine/curvy" ! male is not the default no matter how much society wants u to believe that i promise......... there is nothing wrong with the way women's bodies are this is how we have existed naturally for thousands of years since we first got here. our bodies are just as neutral as men's bodies are. it took me a long long time to feel this way about myself and about my body and about the human body in general and recovery is never linear, my outlook changes every day and i have good days and bad days and some days i absolutely just will not go outside because i don't want anyone to look at me. but those have been far and few between lately

i love u very much anon. food definitely tastes better than how skinny feels. living life freely feels better than looking perfectly skinny in an aesthetic outfit. aesthetic outfits are for 1 day. aesthetic outfits and a skinny slender form will be in pictures and they will only last in the pictures. i don't want to scare you but you will either die like that (very slowly) or you will get very unwell and realize you have to choose recovery and you will have to gain it all back slowly and you will have to choose yourself everyday. idk. i put myself through so much agony that i didn't have to go through and looking back on those pictures im thinking in my head. what was all that for? i felt better then but it's so scary to me now. i looked so sick it makes me so sad for little me. i wish she could have lived a life where she wasn't preoccupied with being perceived as a sex object and could have lived free like i do now. BUT WE THRIVE. I BELIEVE IN YOU NONNIE I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH