#but i am trying to be less repressed. i was even telling my friends at uni about the date we were on on saturday

[gaytobymeres]

if my parents dont suspect im dating someone at this point then idk when they will

[lovelybrooke]

I saw your post abo it immortal reader’s birthday and it was sooo wholesome!literally loved it 😭 I am BEGGING you for a whole one shot 🥺🙏

Happy Birthday

People have been asking for more interactions so I hope you like this. Kinda Angel centric because I don't write about him enough.

Masterlist

---

"Angel, do people in Hell celebrate their birthdays?" 

Angel peered down at you from his seat at the bar. You were doodling something on a napkin, not even looking at him as you asked the question. "I don't think so--at least I don't." He responded after a few moments. "Why'd ya ask?" 

"Oh--cuz my birthday was a few days ago, so I guess it's just on my mind." You mumbled out. Angel didn't know what to think, he couldn't tell if you were trying to gain pity from him, but that wasn't something you'd do, he knows you, so instead, he just sits in shock. 

Not like he could say anything, because the moment he opens his mouth, the sound of a high pitched gasp ripples through the hotel. "REALLY?!" It was Charlie, of course it was her, her eyes wide as she gapes at you in shock. Angel watches as you flinch, looking back at him with regret for even bringing it up. 

"Yeah--" It takes only a few seconds for Charlie to rush up and entrap you in a bone crushing hug, cooing her apologies as she swings you around. Discomfort litters your face, and for a second Angel could see something only akin to desperation in your eyes. 

"Hey, Char--we get you're excited but ya need to calm down." Angel says as she pries you out of her arms. Two of Angel's arms grip your shoulders, feeling you relax in his hold makes him feel a warmth he hasn't felt in well–a long time. He watches along with you as Charlie composes herself, a big smile still stretched across her face. 

"Sorry, sorry. Oh my--this is so exciting, how old are you now? Did you get part--oh we should throw you a party! That would be so fun! Vaggie! Come on--" Charlie rambles on and on, clearly not paying attention to you. 

"Charlie." You interrupt, his full attention now on you. "It's not that big of a deal, I don't really do anything for my birthday so you don't have to worry about it." As you speak, Angel slowly starts to feel bad for you, thinking about all the times you talked to him while he was high or tired from work. Did you tell him then? Did he forget? Was he a terrible friend like always? His mind races, and like always, he wants to run away from his problems, hide in his room, grovel and sink away into his miseries he can't remember what he was sad about. 

"I think a party would be nice, dontcha think?" But his words got ahead of him. His hands grip your shoulders just a fraction tighter as he leans over to see your face. You were--surprised, like you didn't expect him to speak up. He expects you to shake your head, to sigh and assume he means the worse. But instead, you smile, and everything else melts away as he feels warm again. 

"I-I mean--as long as it doesn't bother any of you." You rub your arm, suppressing an even bigger smile. "I don't want to get into your guy's way." 

Charlie shakes her head quickly, pulling you out of Angel's arm to give you another, albeit less restricting hug. Angel finds himself missing your warm, but strangely happy nonetheless. "It's no inconvenience at all!" Angel feel's Charlie's eyes on him for a split second, she was proud of him. He almost felt proud of himself for making you smile. "Come on--we have a lot to plan! What type of cake do you want, I can get you absolutely anything! Maybe dad would like an invite--" 

Eventually, you're gone, and Angel is back at the bar. "Damn Angel." He hears Husk address him. "If you keep this up you might actually be redeemed." 

"Oh--shut up." Angel says, unable to repress a smile. Husk doesn't respond, going back to washing dishes as music lightly drones in the background. As Angel sits, happy for once in his life, the napkin you were doodling on catches his eye. He debates taking a peak, he knows you don't like people looking at your artwork, but he couldn't help himself. 

On the plain white paper, there were a few doodles. Some random shapes, others more detailed depictions like flowers and hearts. But in the corner was a tiny depiction of him. It was nice, the details surprising. 

In a moment, he tears the corner of the napkin off, pocketing it. He hopes you won't mind.

---

A/n: I needed to shut up about Alastor, it feels like he's the only character I talk about.

[shizunitis]

old man yells at cloud: shen qingqiu and the fandom

cw: discussions of homophobia, abuse & ableism

this was not supposed to get this long, or this disorganised. there’s also a lot of profanity because i am who i am. i half-apologise. annoyed/-ing yapping continues under the cut. i’ll reward u at the end with something i promise

look. listen. hear me out

i agree that shen “yuan” qingqiu is oblivious and it’s funny to see him panic and scramble for a foothold in the insane world of pidw, but some of you honestly sound like you think he should be drawn and quartered for having trauma.

y’all safely out of the closet, loved, accepted and supported since the womb? is that it? you’ve never hurt someone by believing lies purposely fed to you by “the system”? lies that, when questioned, get you punished or shunned? you’ve never been guilty? you’ve never been scared? you’ve never had to hide a part of yourself to be accepted? you’ve never been frustrated by your loved ones’ insistence that “they know better”?

“mxtx wrote a novel where the internet troll gets his comeuppance for bullying the poor author” cannot coexist with “abuse/pain/unjust punishment cannot give birth to a healthy society”. either you want shen yuan broken and made into something else more palatable to you, or you want him to be free to dote on and protect binghe and heal. it is clear what the story chose to do.

there’s a whole ass novel out here that’s basically screaming “be compassionate! be kind! be vulnerable! accept others as they come! solipsism is a bullshit thought experiment and not some grand theory about the nature of the universe!” and yet you’ve somehow, as if hungry for blood, focused solely on the shortcomings of a lost, inexperienced young man trying to make the best of his situation while being coerced by an omniscient, omnipotent, asshole of a god.

there is no clearer allegory in modern media about the destructive influence of coercion, brainwashing, and thought policing, than the one presented in svsss. and yet! here i fucking am, coffee-less, reading with my own two eyes corpsezun-cold ass takes on the “proper” ways of navigating self-discovery.

i hate having to be the one to tell someone to touch grass, so i’ll just urge you to read something else, something literal and educational about the struggles of queer/disabled/vulnerable people in unkind societies (all of them) and outright hostile ones (most of them). watch documentaries, seek out the elders of your communities, think back on your own unpleasant experiences, speak with people you don’t agree with and approach conversations with curiosity. lurk in fandoms before you post.

this is something you’ve internalised: that a queer person must be pure of mind and spirit to expect compassion. that a vulnerable person you deem weak must not be listened to since clearly, someone else knows better. that someone who makes a mistake/misunderstands something should be shunned, or at the very least berated in spite of having already faced the consequences of their actions.

y’all don’t have to love everyone to be kind to them and understand them. and honestly trying to “punish” a repressed queer man for how he’s choosing to survive in a hostile environment by spouting borderline-cruel bullshit about his thoughts that never leave his brain just tells me that you have done close to no self-assessment and are liable to hurt people by accidentally saying some horrendous shit you don’t even realise is painful to hear.

as you have done, and keep doing, especially when seriously and without a moment of reflection you post non-jokey “haha shen yuan is stupid and oblivious of course that happened. every friend he has trying to assert control over his choices is a just and reparative consequence of his stupid pea-brained attempt to survive. the system was good actually.”

i fucking love making ‘liu qingge was a victim’/‘lmao bingy is horny gripping shizun connect the dots’/‘shizun cannot be trusted outside for more than half an hour’/‘lmao ballad of bingqiu’ jokes because yeah! that happens! you get people who crush on you! people sometimes get infatuated with you! sometimes people get very invested in your life! sometimes people worry and care even if you don’t realise it!and it is somewhat comical in hindsight, a bit endearing, a lot bewildering, but ultimately mundane and entirely human!

until it actually starts affecting you in real ways. until people try to corral your movements because they “can’t trust you to be safe” without listening to you, a grown ass adult who clearly knows something they don’t. until your own mistakes come to bite you in the ass and, when you’ve fucking fixed it, you get berated and judged for it because others’ self-righteousness takes precedence.

good people learn and change and take responsibility for hurting those around them. they allow those who have erred to find a better path forward. they act with compassion and respect for even the most undesirable of their peers.

there are many messages in svsss that you can learn from. while it falls short in some aspects (naturally, by virtue of being written by a high-schooler), it does not fail in presenting a human perspective on fucked-up circumstances and asking you to understand and empathise.

characters are there to hold up a mirror for you. it’s a safe, consequence-free opportunity to look inwards and decide if you’re okay, or if some things might need addressing.

fandom is a playpen and you get to do whatever you want forever to the dolls. but your playmates are real people who, in some cases, are susceptible to your influence, and will be hurt by how you choose to present your commentary. when they leave the sandbox and see the distorted reflection of your arguments come alive in the real world, they will then internalise it, just as you have.

and then i’ll have to read it and it’s, frankly, depressing to see what my Not Homophobic, Very Woke (lie) high-school classmates would say all over again. is that what you want? to be likened to a 15 year-old eastern european boy? really?

obviously i’m not talking about jokes, bits, comedies, haha hehe’s, or fanfic depictions that i may not agree with from a storytelling standpoint.

i’m not the mayor of who-gets-to-talk-ville, but i’ve lived all my life in a deeply homophobic, racist, ableist and economically fucked country of former soviet influence and it just, like, annoys me to see the same sentiments in these kinds of spaces coming from inexperienced/young people who just don’t realise the impact of their own ignorance. i hope i’ve made this clear even if i sound like a finger-wagging dirty-mouthed grandpa yelling at the kids on my lawn.

fuck i’m so tired

anyway. here’s the reward:

ah… that makes me feel so much better. <3

[vampyrsutton]

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Summary:

When Hawks passes out on patrol and is forced by Rumi to take a break, she is less than thrilled to find out he has no interests or hobbies so insists he at least get some in some capacity. This is how she ends up making him an account on a cam site, but in a world where when you hear your soulmate's voice, they can hear everything you do, what is Hawks supposed to do when the pretty scarred boy starts hearing an echo of his stream on stream?

Ao3 Tags:

Sex Work, Sex Cam Worker Dabi | Todoroki Touya, Dabi | Todoroki Touya is Not a Villain, League of Villains Are Not Villains (My Hero Academia), Repressed Takami Keigo | Hawks, Soulmates, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Hikiishi Kenji | Magne Lives, Switch Dabi | Todoroki Touya, Protective Usagiyama Rumi | Miruko, Hero Public Safety Commission's Bad Parenting (My Hero Academia), Background Relationships, How Did That Plot Get There?, blood mention, Dabi | Todoroki Touya Needs a Hug, Takami Keigo | Hawks Needs a Hug, Sex Toys, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Crack Treated Seriously

Notes:

For Day 3 of @dabihawksweeks 2024!

NSFW Prompt: Sex Work

“Stupid fucking Shie Hassaikai,” Hawks mutters to himself as he flies to his office again after he was supposed to have finally clocked out. 

This is the third time tonight he’s been called in to help assess possible leads, and he doesn’t even want to try counting what time this week. All he knows is that he hasn’t slept in three…four? He hasn’t slept more than maybe two hours in days and this intern is about to get fired if he doesn’t learn to use his damn brain and read. He swears if this is another mixed-up file, he’s joining the enemy or at the very least getting ahold of one of the quirk-erasing bullets they’re hunting so he can finally get some damn sleep. 

He forces himself to plaster on another picture-perfect smile as he flies over some fans snapping pictures and goes to do a flip in the sky, but that proves to be a horrible idea when being horizontal for even a second makes the world spin and his wings refuse to take him another centimetre. 

‘Dammit,’ He thinks as he plummets to the ground, getting his feathers to at least make sure he won’t die. ‘This is gonna be so much paperwork..and extra training.’

He hears the fans scream and one talking on the phone, hopefully calling for help, but that’s all he gets out of it before his eyes refuse to open and his body’s demand for sleep finally wins. 

When he comes to who knows how long later, it is once again to the sounds of someone on the phone, but this time instead of a teenager, it's a rabbit hero, and she is pissed. 

“I don’t give a rat's ass how many photoshoots or hours you think he has, I already found people to cover his shifts and will be covering multiple myself! He is not leaving this hospital until he is discharged, and he is not putting on that tacky-ass suit until the doctors clear him! If he does either even a second before he’s allowed to, I will make Kamino look like a fucking joke, do you hear me, you old hag?!” Mirko—or he guesses Rumi based on the casual clothing—yells down the line with her foot threatening to stomp a hole in the floor. “You don’t think I will?! How about this? Someone had to go get clothes for him and I don’t have a handler making me trim my claws!”

Hawks pales, looking at Rumi in horror at what she’s insinuating she now knows. “Rumi, don’t-”

“Oh, he’s awake.” Rumi grins like she didn’t just put a target on her back before growling into the phone again. “Don’t even think of sending a hitman. Not only would I love to see them try, but I’ve already put nets in place in case they succeed so don’t bother, and fuck off. I have a friend to check on.” 

“Rumi, what did you-” This time Hawks is cut off by a coughing fit. Shit, how long was he out?

Rumi just brings him some water. “So, wanna tell me the last slept, or am I becoming public enemy number one?”

“Like you aren’t already,” Hawks mutters once his throat doesn’t feel like sandpaper. "I think I got like two hours on Saturday surprisingly?"

"Hawks! It was Tuesday!" Rumi scoffs, stomping her foot in outrage. 

"Yeah? And?" Hawks tilts his head like it really is no big deal. “Wait, was? What day is it now?”

"And?! What do you mean and?! Is this normal for you?!" She demands, completely ignoring his other question.

Hawks just shrugs like she’s the one being unreasonable. "Uh, yeah? I’m the number two hero. I don't have time."

Rumi makes a low bunny sound that he hasn’t even heard in battle. "Hawks you need sleep, you dumbass!" 

Hawks scowls, feeling she’s over reacting. "Well, I can't just take time off! People need me!"

"Oh, yes you can! And you will! I already publically recorded and cussed out the Commission bitch trying to get you out of here and back to work before the doctor approved it, and you heard me on the phone just now!” She thumps again in irritation. “You have all of next week off. You're welcome." 

"Rumi!” Hawks squawks, still too tired to hold it in and making her eyes widen. No one has ever heard bird sounds out of him since his debut. “Why would you do that?! What the hell am I supposed to do for a week?!"

"Uh, whatever you do on your days off?" Rumi answers like he’s stupid.

There’s silence.

Rumi narrows her eyes. 

"Hawks… when was the last time you had a day off?" She asks evenly. 

"Uh...I had a week off in the spring?"

"In the spri- Hawks it's fall and speaking from experience, mating season doesn't fucking count, you birdbrain!” And she’s back to yelling, her ears twitching as though trying to shake out the excess rage. “What about before that? And I swear to god if you say last spring I will find the Meta Liberation Army and tell them how to take down the Commission myself!"

More silence.

Rumi glares. "You're kidding me.”

Continued silence, Hawks’ brain too sleep-deprived to think of anything. 

Rumi sighs, gritting her teeth as she pinches the bridge of her nose. "Goddammit Hawks. Just- Just go home and relax. Maybe get laid or something I don't fucking know. Hell, when was the last time you even did that?"

Who knew silence could be so deafening?

"Okay fuck the Liberation, Im committing arson myself!” Rumi stomps. “What the actual fuck?"

"I don't have time for a relationship, and a hookup could ruin my image,” Hawks shrugs, for some reason sheepish about this part. “Plus my species of hawk kind of mates for life.”

"Oh, for fuck’s sake, no wonder you’re such a bitch after your week off," Rumi grumbles, running a hand down her face. “What about your soulmate? Have you tried finding them yet?” 

Hawks just blinks at her in confusion. “Aren’t those a fairy tale?”

Rumi blinks back before nodding slowly. “Yup. I’m stomping a bitch in a suit." She decides,  taking out her phone and typing furiously "Do you like guys, girls, both, or yes?" 

Hawks blinks in bewilderment now instead. "Uh, why?" 

Rumi grimaces, "Yeah, srorry,  that's a weird question, but just answer it. I won't tell and will love and support you no matter what. Lesbian's honour." 

"...I believe you,” Hawks finally relents, “and, uh, ditto I guess? I like guys, but why are you asking?"

“You’ll see in a second.” She mumbles, still typing furiously. “Check your phone." She orders, finally handing it to him off the nightstand where she had it charging. “Don’t worry, the Commission is blocked.”

Hawks sighs in acceptance, unlocking his phone when an email comes in. There on his phone, a link pops up to a cam site with an account already made and awaiting email confirmation.

Hawks' entire face goes red "R-rumi! Why?!" 

"Thank me later.” She says as she snatches his back to confirm the email before he can delete it. “There. It's set up and I gave you 50 tokens so use it during your week off. It's anonymous and they never have to know who you are." She smirks before heading to the door. "I’ll go let the doctor know you're awake." 

Hawks face is about as red as his feathers, and all he can do is stutter as she walks out, but he has to worry about convincing the doctor he’s fine so tries to force it form his mind. Unfortunately, the nurse with the doctor has a quirk that lets him read vitals like video game stats so Hawks doesn’t stand a chance at going back to work for the next week apparently. He does, however, get released to go home at least where he tries to push the site from his mind.

That was Thursday morning. 

He makes it to Friday evening before total and complete boredom and maybe a little bit of curiosity gets the better of him.

"Dammit Rumi. Why? Just why? And how does she know what I usually make my password?" He mutters as he changes it and changes the display name from ChickenWingz69—the smart ass—to HotWingz. 

Once he's set up, he sighs and accepts his fate before starting to scroll. 

Or, at least, he plans to before he refreshes his page and a blur of purple and silver catches his eye. 

Hawks hovers over the thumbnail to enlarge it and his breath catches when striking turquoise eyes stare into his soul and promise to call him a million and one names that are guaranteed to make his wings quiver. Framing the pretty eyes is soft looking, spiky black hair that is dyed based on the shock of white Hawks can see lower down, but does this guy dye his eyebrows too? Anyway, besides thick lashes, his eyes are also framed by some rougher-looking, pinkish skin under his eyes in half moons and pretty pale skin. His lower jaw, neck, and continuing onto his right arm until his wrist has the same faded pinkish-red, but his left arm from wrist to mid-bicep and in a band around his stomach and lower pecs has a deep purple scar tissue that Hawks realises are grafts that are being held on buy silver staples. 

He probably turns the more judgemental or insecure off, but Hawks is captivated. 

Hawks finally clicks to join the stream. 

DabiinFlames

He must have just started because he’s still wearing tight leather pants that do nothing to hide the monster pressed against his thigh, and he appears to be talking, letting Hawks take in the piercings on his also pinkish ears, the three studs forming a triangle in his right nostril, what Google calls K9 piercings, and barbell in his healthy right nipple, all in silver. 

Hawks didn't think someone so perfect could exist, but then he greats Hawk’ screen name and Hawks is done for.

"I see we have a new viewer.” Drawls a low, smoke-worn voice that explains the grafts and makes Hawks’ wings puff and flutter. “Welcome HotWingz. Sorry for the weird echo. Let me just fix that real quick." Dabi hums before fiddling with something off-screen that Hawks assumes is a mic.

'Echo?’ Hawks manages to think as he tries to get the rest of his brain back online despite his blood suddenly being in the wrong head. ‘I don't hear an echo?' 

He decides to type as much.

[Hotwingz: Hey! Glad to be here! I dont hear an echo tho???]

"Huh? Well, that's weird. Anyone else?" Dabi checks in.

The chat sounds their lack of echo and Dabi looks really confused before his eyes widen "Shit. Is there anyone else new in the chat?" He asks, hand out of frame to scroll 

A few people seem to catch on and the chat loses it.

[DustyHandHeld: What the fuck? Whats this guy's deal coming in here and stealing Dabi from us?!]

[NotTheTurtleMaster: Oh! Congrats! Not what I was expecting of my fun time, but go off I guess]

[AppleBottomJeanz: @DustyHandHeld Don't be an incel.]

[Deadpool: Oh my god! Congrats!] 

[~So am I not getting off tonight?]

"What are they talking about?" Hawks wonders aloud before typing in chat.

[Hotwingz: Uhhh? What's everyone talking about? Is there something wrong with the stream?]]

"Well fuck. This is not how I expected this show or that meeting to go.” Dabi snorts, pushing his hair back from his face in amusement. “Here, let me spell it out for you, Wingz. I'm gonna turn on music then mute myself guys, hold on." 

[DustyHandHeld: This idiot needs it spelled out? Dabi shouldnt even waste his time]

[KnivesOutforHarambe: Extra Crusty aren't we tonight Dusty?]

[Deadpool: Thanks for the warning Dabi!] 

[~Don't be a dick Dusty]

"Not a problem, Deadpool.” Dabi waves off. “You mentioned on the server that sudden loud sounds set you off, and while being a dick might be part of my charm, I'm not a complete asshole.” He says with a smirk that does horrible things to Hawks’ heart before pretty eyes narrow in a way that makes Hawks sit up up straighter. “And he's right, Dusty. Behave. We've talked about this.'' Dabi drawls as he finally picks a song on his phone. Something hot and sexy. "Hope you don't mind the choice, Birdie, but I do still have bills. Muting now, guys." Dabi warns before the music suddenly sounds like it's underwater to Hawks as Dabi starts slowly teasing those damn pants off to the music.

[Hotwingz: Uh it didn't mute?] 

[DustyHandHeld: Is this guy fucking serious?]

[AppleBottomJeanz: @Hotwingz Oh hun.]

[NotTheTurtleMaster: @Hotwingz The rest of us can't hear it bud.]

[IveLostMyMarbles: @Hotwingz Does the music by chance sound like its underwater?]

Hawks is so distracted by the sight on his screen that he doesn’t bother reading the chat for a moment despite the pinging. There are more of the darker scars on Dabi’s left calve and making a mid-thigh to ankle stocking on the right with more staples, but Hawks is more focused on what has to be eight inches of thick cock coming from the shock of neatly trimmed white pubes and lined with a Jacob’s Ladder of piercings and…another Google search says a Prince Albert. 

Ah, so this is how people end up spending their life savings on cam sites because Hawks doesn’t think he can entirely blame his bird brain following the shinies on his urge to give this man anything he asks. 

It’s not until the third consecutive ping from his laptop that he finally reads Marble's message, and listens for a second.

[Hotwingz: Woah how did you know???]

[DustyHandHeld: I- I'm gonna scream]

[AppleBottomJeanz: ...I can't argue for once] 

[Deadpool: Hotwingz... 

[~Is this guys for real?! ]

[KnivesOutforHarambe: Oooh! Soulmates! How romantic!]

“Soulmates?” Hawks mutters, remembering the conversation with Rumi where he had asked if they were fairy tales because, despite all the hype, that’s what they might as well be to him.

There’s no fucking way. Rumi will never let him live this down if they’re right.

[Hotwingz: Huh? Soulmates? What does that have to do with anything?]

[NotTheTurtleMaster: ...]

[KnivesOutforHarambe: You do know what a Soulmate is, right?]

Hawks sighs because, obviously, he knows what they are. It's all anyone ever talks about after all, but he doesn’t have time for that stuff and avoids it in interviews to the point that people have finally stopped asking. To be honest he doesn't even remember how one went about finding theirs anymore. 

[Hotwingz: Well yeah...I just don't remember how you know...?]

[AppleBottomJeanz: …If I may before Knives hits us with a wall of caplock]

[NotTheTurtleMaster: Please!]

[KnivesOutforHarambe: You’re no fun]

[AppleBottomJeanz: Very well. Do you mind if I DM you so the others can enjoy the show, and Dabi can make some money.]

[Hotwingz: Sure.]

It takes seconds for Hawks to get a DM that he eventually figures out how to open in a new window so that he doesn’t have to leave the stream while he reads it. 

[AppleBottomJeanz: Hello. First, I feel I should ask, you are over the age of 18, correct?]

[Hotwingz: Im 22]

[AppleBottomJeanz: Just checking. Are you in a situation you need help out of?]

Hawks sighs, starting to believe it the more he’s asked. 

[Hotwings: No]

[Yes?]

[I don’t know anymore, but it /is/ mostly just my schedule.]

[AppleBottomJeanz: Understood, feel free to reach out if you end up needing the assistance. This site may not be very heroic, but I am a hero and will offer my help if yo]

[chara limit- u need it.]

Hawks snorts. Oh, if only this guy knew. 

…though that user is a little suspicious, but also way too silly so there’s no way. 

[Hotwingz: Thanks. Ill let you know]

[Now about the soulmates? Because if you all are right, mine is hot and I wanna go back to watching him]

Somewhere in Japan, a different hero snorts into his denim pajamas. 

[AppleBottomJeanz: Very well. So, as you have noticed, once Dabi started talking after you joined the stream, as in when /you/ first heard /his/ voice, Dabi started hear]

[chara limit- hearing an echo and things he was hearing sounded underwater to you. I imagine before tonight, there was a loud white noise in the back o]

[of your mind. It should be gone now or at least quieter if you have multiple. Is it gone?]

Ignoring that white noise had been part of his earliest training but now that AppleBottomJeanz mentioned it…

[Hotwingz: Hey its gone!]

[Oh]

Oh.

[OH!]

[AppleBottomJeanz: It will complete when you meet and he hears your voice. You’ll be able to hear everything the other does.]

Hawks suddenly understands why his voice being slightly altered was part of his contracts, and—despite not caring about soulmates twenty minutes ago—knowing Dabi was his, he was now furious.

Maybe he could let Rumi commit an atrocity.

[Hotwingz: Thank you!]

[AppleBottomJeanz: Happy to help.]

Hawks returns to the stream now and curses as he returns to the view of Dabi stroking his absolutely perfect cock with a sinful groan that goes right to Hawks’ dick and makes Dabi chuckle. 

“Welcome back, Wingz.” Dabi smirks, looking down his nose at the camera with sinful eyes that make Hawks chirp and Dabi curse. “Fuck, he chirps, guys. Should I call you ‘Pretty Bird’ then?”

Hawks will claim his dick types the next part. 

[Hotwingz: Fuck man if you keep saying it like that, you can call me a whore for all I care]

[I am so sorry my goldfish typed that]

Dabi’s laugh is the final nail in Hawks’ coffin. 

“Nice to meet you, too. It’s a shame, I can’t make you work to see the goods, but ain’t no rest for the wicked, right?” Dabi smirks in amusement before moaning when his thumb teases his Prince Albert. “Fuck, you caught up now, pretty bird?” He asks before his smirk turns wicked when he can hear Hawks coo again. “You like that, don’t you?”

[Magnetizing: Well @Hotwingz? You caught up or are we getting cucked until you are?]

Hawks drags his talons through his hair in embarrassment despite being alone before sighing.

[Hotwingz: Yeah.. AppleBottomJeanz filled me in]

[...hi Dabi]

[Deadpool: There we go!]

[~He finally gets it!]

Hawks had looked away from the show for only a few seconds to read chat, but a hiss draws his attention back only for his mouth to go dry at the sight of Dabi starting to finger himself open, head thrown back in a moan.

Fuck.

[Hotwingz: Fuck. Yeah, Im caught up and just so everyone knows, God is real and I'm petitioning for Lust to be taken out of the sins. Holy shit that is the hottest thing I’ve ever seen]

Dabi must glance at the chat again because that sinful laugh sounds through Hawks’ speakers once more to wrap around his dick and make him groan, finally getting his hand on himself. He did have a purpose in coming here after all. 

[Hotwingz: Im closing the petition. That was illegal]

Dabi’s laugh filters through his speakers again before being cut off in a moan when Dabi seems to hit his prostate. "Thanks for helping him figure it out, Jeanz. Hope you don't mind if I finish the show, birdie?" 

[several people are typing...] 

[DustyHandHeld: Dammit! What the hell?]

[AppleBottomJeanz: Behave. We dont mind. Wingz is more important]

[NotTheTurtleMaster: It'd be a shame, but we'd understand.]

[KnivesOutforHarambe: Eeeee! I'm just happy to witness this!]

[IveLostMyMarbles: It's quite alright you two]

[Magnetizing: It was fun while it lasted. Farewell big tittied emo boy]

[Deadpool: This is so cute!]

[~Wholesome? In my fap session?]

Dabi laughs at the last comment from Deadpool as he removes his fingers and reaches for something off-screen. His eyes pierce the camera as he smirks while pulling what appears to be a fucking machine with a sizeable dildo attached into frame, and Hawks swears Dabi is staring directly at him. "Well, pretty birdie? Up to you?" 

Hawks doesn’t hesitate.

[Hotwingz has donated 20 token] 

[Hotwingz: I'd be upset if you /Stopped/! I came here to get off just like everyone else]

[Hotwingz: I mean only continue if you want of course but /please/ continue]

Dabi chuckles before lubing up the dildo, "Fuck, birdie, that's kinda hot. Well, you heard 'em guys. The show must go on."

[DustyHandHeld: Thank God!]

[NotTheTurtleMaster: I second that]

[OrigamiDom✅: Third]

[Deadpool: Fourth! 

[~The cryptid speaks!]

[KnivesOutforHarambe: Ok but Magne-chan had a point. /Does/ this count as cucking?] 

[AppleBottomJeanz: Knives? What the fuck?]

[IveLostMyMarbles: No, Knives has a point]

[Hotwingz: @Knives ...Lets not unpack that right now] 

Hawks turns his attention back to the show to watch his soulmate be fucked by the machine. It doesn’t take long for him to realise that along with the dildo being rather big, the machine’s power and speed appear to be connected to donations because the scarred man curses and moans when Dusty donates ten. 

"D-damn... You all are ruthless tonight huh?" He pants as he adds a cockring after a goal is met that Hawks finally notices on the sidebar. "Shows gonna be over too fast if you keep thIIIs u-up! Fuck!"

[KnivesOutforHarambe donated 5 tokens]

[KnivesOutforHarambe: Might as well give your Birdie a show!]

[NotTheTurtleMaster donated 8 tokens]

[NotTheTurtleMaster: It's the least we can do to thank you both for the continued show]

Hawks can't say he minds as he purchases more tokens and donates 15 to watch the man about fold in half as he arches off the bed, cock twitching helplessly as an orgasm is stopped. 

"Fuck!" Dabi whimpers, making Hawks curse and need to squeeze his dick not to cum with him. "Tha-That was just mea-” He finally sees who sent it and glares, but it’s softened by his lip just barely jutting out. “Of course, my soulmate's as much of a dick as I am!" 

[DustyHandHeld: Thank you for this visual meal]

Hawks smirks at getting a positive reaction out of Dusty and feels a little daring. 

[Hotwingz: Maybe you can do that to me when we meet]

The shudder that wracks Dabi’s body is visible when he reads that. "Bet you won't be that cocky when there's not a screen to protect yoOu~ Ahhh!"

[Hotwingz donated 10 tokens]

"F-fuck you." Dabi growls, the panting not making it as threatening.

[Hotwingz: That is what I was implying yes. Try to keep up]

[Deadpool: I like this guy!]

[~Stop making me laugh! Im tryna get off!]

"Asshole," Dabi mutters as he begins matching the machine’s thrusts. 

[Hotwingz: Your asshole apparently]

This makes Dabi snort again, shaking his head before it falls back in a moan when OrigamiDom donates 20 tokens to make Dabi arch and wither. 

[OrigamiDom✅: Both of you shut up. As hot as his laugh is, it should be moaning like a good boy, not back talking]

Hawks grimaces, but based on the reactions in the chat, this guy talking at all is an event.

[Hotwingz: Yes sir :( ]

[OrigamiDom✅: That’s a good boy. Thank you again for letting us continue]

Hawks blames his already hard dick on why that makes him blush before Origami donates another 20 and Dabi whines when the machine starts thrusting harder. 

“Fuck! No more instigating, birdie. He’s rich and it’s mY- mnmm ass that gets the pounding. Not yours.” Dabi moans, playing with the healthy nipple and making a breathy sound.

Hawks considers this and chooses violence. 

[Hotwingz donated 50 coins]

Dabi jerks, withering on the bed as that apparently takes the stream to a new donation goal and the ring starts vibrating. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Wait- Ahhhh~”

Hawks smirks. He was expecting a Dom when he clicked on the stream, but he can work with this. 

“What’s wrong, baby? Sensitive? Fuck, I hope you make these noises for me, too.” Hawks groans loud enough Dabi will be able to hear him through the link. 

Sharp turquoise eyes flick to the screen and Hawks’ bird instincts scream danger. “You wish.” He practically growls. “I’ll fucking ruin you. The piercings aren’t just for show, you know?”

Hawks chirps, the sudden tone change making his cock throb as he curses, and Dabi chuckles dangerously. 

Where were the donations when Hawks’ sanity needed them? Did the machine slow down actually?

“You showed up for a requested show,” Dabi explains with a low moan. “You’re singing so pretty for me now? Imagine my piercings splitting you open one by one…” He drawls, slowly dragging a finger along his shaft and up his stomach so Hawks has to take in how deeply Dabi would fuck him. You can try to fuck me, but whatever they give me tonight?” Dabi’s smirk turns evil and he glances at the chat bar like he’s issuing a challenge. “I’ll give you you tenfold.”

The chat is quiet for a moment. 

[DustyHandHeld: Fuck thst waz hopt]

[@NotTheTurtleMaster wwe can waity to buy theat game rightt]

[NotTheTurtleMaster: I suddenly don’t know of any games]

The chat explodes. 

Dabi screams. 

Hawks curses.

He has to watch the donations coming in like crazy, some lurkers even getting involved as Dabi moans and withers on the bed, the machine at full speed now and making. 

“Fuck! Guys! Mnmm~ Please! The ring! Fuck!” Dabi moans eventually, looking at the camera pleadingly. “You want me to break him?”

Hawks doesn’t remember making the next donation. 

[Hotwingz donated 100 tokens]

Dabi’s eyes widen almost comically before some new pattern kicks in and he cries out, cumming hard despite the ring before collapsing against the sheets, body twitching with aftershocks and whimpering when the machine doesn’t care that he just came. “Please.” He pants, an arm over his eyes. 

Hawks curses, stroking himself faster and cumming hard into a tissue moments later with a moan, wings puffing behind him, and nearly blacking out if he didn’t know any better. 

Which he really doesn’t know with how his ears ring and his balls ache. 

“Fuck.” Hawks curses, sinking back into the pillows behind him and letting a feather put his laptop on his chest. 

“Don’t cover your face, baby. Wanna see your eyes.” Hawks actually slurs a little. 

“Can’t,” Dabi pants, the machine having finally turned off though not removed yet as he comes down. “ToS doesn’t like blood.”

Hawks blinks in confusion, but Marbles is kind enough to explain about Dabi’s tear ducts in chat, and how it’s the next surgery on Dabi’s list.

“What whoever that was said so thanks for funding it, birdie.” Dabi chuckles breathlessly before groaning when he finally starts getting the dildo out of him. “Fuck, you guys are assholes.” He mutters as he grabs a towel from the floor out of frame. He glares at the camera once he’s sure he won’t get flagged though his eyes aren’t quite as sharp as earlier. “That good enough, Jeans?”

[AppleBottomJeanz donated 100 tokens]

[AppleBottomJeanz: That was perfect, Dabi. My partner and I enjoyed it greatly, thank you.]

 “Anytime.” Dabi sighs, lying back again with a groan and resting for just a moment before his eyes flick to the camera. “Which there will be a next time, birdie. Not many people hire human bacon.”

[Hotwingz: Can I watch live next time?] 

Dabi barks out a tired laugh, shaking his head in amusement. “Oh, thank fuck. You dropped that hundred token and I thought we’d have to fight.”

[Hotwingz: When you figure out who I am, you will have too much power for me to be able to say shit even if I wanted to] Hawks admits, his brain not back online yet. 

Dabi looks at the chat confused but shrugs. “Guess I’ll figure that out soon. I’ll DM you after I shower. Anyone else have any easy requests before I end stream? You guys gave me a pretty tall promise to fulfil after all.”

Hawks chirps, having thought that was just dirty talk. 

He had tipped 100 to being broken.

Well…he did have a week off. 

[Magnetizing donated three tokens]

[Magnetizing: Get some water dear.]

[IveLostMyMarbles donated three tokens]

[IveLostMyMarbles: And a snack. Someone better take someone out to dinner obviously, but we did abuse our power a little.]

“You guys are so weird.” Dabi snorts, reaching out of frame again for a water bottle. “And no shit you abused your power. Assholes. The lot of you.”

This gets a stream of heart reactions that makes Dabi roll his eyes and shake his head. “Whatever, degenerates. Kurogiri should be putting a poll in the server tomorrow for the next show. Dusty, we still filming next week or has that second soulmate shut us down?]

[DustyHandHeld: Uhhhh about that…]

Dabi raises an eyebrow. 

[DustyHandHeld: Yourbrotherdoes’twanttosharewithyou.]

[DustyHandHeld has left the stream]

[NotTheTurtleMaster: Oi! Don’t just leave me here!]

[NotTheTurtleMaster has left the stream]

Dabi’s eye twitches as he looks at the ceiling. “You avoided villainy. You avoided villainy. You avoided villain- I’m killing them.”

[OrigamiDom✅: 😶‍🌫️🤐]

[OrigamiDom✅ has left the stream]

[AppleBottomJeanz: 😬🤐]

[@Hotwingz, remember my DMs are open if you need help with that thing]

[Hotwingz: 😶🤐]

[@AppleBottomJeanz🫡]

[AppleBottomJeanz has left the stream]

Hawks can’t help but laugh at the thought of his coworkers deciding they suddenly do not see just to continue getting their rocks off to one hot edge lord, but can’t say he blames them.

[Hotwingz: Talk to you soon.]

“Later, pretty bird.” Dabi smiles crookedly, giving a little wave. “Alright, guys that’s all tonight. I’ve got a bird to stuff. Stay nasty. It helps pay my bills.” He smirks wickedly before the stream ends and Hawks swears he can still see those eyes burned into his screen. 

Hawks sighs, flopping his laptop to the side as post-nut clarity starts sinking in. 

What the fuck?

He groans, dragging a hand down his face before grimacing when he smears cum on his face. 

Dabi would DM him after his shower. 

Hawks apparently needs one too. 

But first, as though sensing his dilemma, some American female country song blasts form his phone, making him squawk then groan again. 

Maybe Rumi would know what to do. 

“Whaaat?” Hawks groans before wincing, not meaning for it to come out that way. 

“Well fuck you, too.” Rumi laugh. “Put on something fun. I’m dragging you and the string bean sticks in the mud to the club. I’ve decided no more heroes are being left alone and introversion is not to be trusted.”

Hawks blinks at his phone. “Who?”

“Jeanist and Edge, duh.” Rumi laughs. “Partially cause they were the only ones who had the night off who I’ve said anything to, but you vibe with Jeanist, right?”

Another blink before he nods despite Rumi not being able to see him. “Uhh, yeah…but I kinda might have a date tonight.”

“You what?!” Rumi yells and he hears something crash. 

Hawks’ face burns as he groans. “I found my soulmate. I’ll hopefully be meeting him tonight.”

“Meeting him? How the hell have you found him, but not met him?” Rumi asks suspiciously. “Are you being scammed? Is someone trying to trick you? I’ll kill them if they-”

“No! I-”

“Then how?”

Hawks’ face burns, but he knows she will hunt him down if he doesn’t have a good enough explanation. “You know that cam site you signed me up for…?”

“Yeah, what abo-” He can practically hear her feral grin. “You did not! Hawks!”

“Shut up!” He groans, hiding in a pillow now, and groaning again when he remembers the cum he smeared on his face. “This is embarrassing enough.”

“Oh my god, you have to bring him with you.” And she really doesn’t need to sound that giddy. “Ohhh, I guess this means I get to find out what kind of porn you wat-”

“Rumi!” He squawks. “Absolutely not! ‘Hey, I know we met when I was trying to jerk off and you were trying to get others off for money, but wanna come meet my coworkers before we even properly meet?’ No, fuck that.”

Rumi just cackles. “Either bring him, or I drag the boys into following you. We have to make sure the top ten’s baby isn’t meeting a gold digger after all.”

Hawks chitters angrily at the insinuation before wincing. “Sorry…there was another hero in his chat dropping a lot of tokens…and he said he was going to fight me about continuing if I tried to stop him so he seems to want to be independent…”

“Does he know you’re a hero?” She asks much calmer than she’s been. “The number two at that?”

“...No.” Hawks sighs. 

“Then please?” Rumi prods. “You can fuck off to a dark corner after, just let us vet him.”

Hawks worries his lip before sighing again. “Fine…I’ll ask. Let me take him out to dinner first though.”

“Deal.” She agrees. “Go get ready and wear the dark skinny jeans. If I see a single thread of khaki on you or god forbid that eye strain jacket, I’m kicking you into the next prefecture, and I think Jeanist would help me.”

Hawks snorts, finally getting up to shower. “Fine, I’ll find something else. Though if he can still stand me with the eye strain…”

“He’d have to be a gold digger. No amount of soulmate shit and pretty face is getting you laid in that otherwise.” Rumi deadpans without hesitation. “Text me when you have a time.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Hawks snickers. “See ya.”

It doesn’t take him long to shower and get presentable after that, and soon, he’s pacing in front of his laptop, waiting for a message from Dabi_Touyaroki✅ and desperately trying to remind himself that the man had a very big dildo in his ass and was probably sixty per cent scar tissue so probably needed some extra time. 

This doesn’t stop Hawks from diving for his laptop with a squawk when it chimes. 

Dabi_Touyaroki✅

Hey pretty bird

Soooo did you two forget that I can now /clearly/ hear everything you do? 🤨

Hawks winces. He had forgotten that. He doesn’t know about Rumi.

Dabi_Touyaroki✅

Thanks for standing up for me though I guess

Youre right. I dont want your money and if you could actually tell me who the other hero is so i can kick him? 

Wait, that’s why Jeanz and Origami dipped, isn’t it?

Whatever.

One hero fucking with my life is enough. /You’re/ lucky I’m curious

And hungry. Does food count as gold digging?

Hawks makes a sad croon. Frowning at the sudden tone change.

Dabi_Touyaroki✅

…

Ugh! Don’t make that sound, I feel bad now >:( 

I still want to meet you. I’m just a little pissy that I can’t seem to escape number two heroes but your actual public relations are leagues higher than his so I’ll give it a shot

Tell the Boomer to change his passwords by the way. I burned at 13, I shouldn’t still be able to find out this info about you

Hawks frowns, tilting his head. “What do you mean you can’t escape number two heroes?”

Dabi_Touyaroki✅

Please tell me you’re not a bird brain

Eh, granted, they /did/ cover my “death” pretty well

How many kids does the former number two have?

“Uh, three living, and the top ten of the time as well as Commission associates were invited to the funeral of the eldest,” Hawks answers out loud.

Dabi_Touyaroki✅

Yeah, a jaw isn’t a corpse. I was in a hospital

Huh, does topping the new number two count as surpassing him?

Hey birdie >:)

Hawks just blinks but public relations numbers aren’t public, only popularity…oh my god the screen name. “I don’t know whether you’re morbid or an edge lord. So, what do I call you then?”

Dabi_Touyaroki✅

Dabi. I don’t use that old one

Can I ask your real one or will you have to kill me like trying to find is doing to my computer?

Hawks snorts. “It’s Keigo.”

Dabi_Touyaroki✅

Keigoooo???

Hawks grimaces, but Dabi had aired his skeletons. “...Takami.”

Dabi_Touyaroki✅

Oh shit! So my dad arrested yours!

…

Uh sorry?

Hawks laughs again. “It’s fine. He was an asshole. So about dinner and getting interrogated by numbers three to five?”

Dabi_Touyaroki✅

Dabi_Touyaroki✅ has sent an address

Dabi_Touyaroki✅ has sent an address

First one is my apartment. Second is a restaurant that ik won’t fuck with my stomach. I get motion sickness so we probably can’t fly to the club so hopefully its close or you’re not getting any tonight

…

I swear I don’t usually put out on the first date but you are really hot and according to fate or the universe or whatever I am stuck with you so might as well

Well not /stuck/ with you I guess

Wait. Hero. That TBD

Hawks can’t help but smile. “I’ll be there in ten. Twenty if I get stuck behind a particularly slow pigeon.”

That apparently makes Dabi laugh loud enough to make it through the underwater sounds. 

Dabi_Touyaroki✅

See you soon Pretty Bird

And I agree with carrots

I will burn that jacket if I see it and you wont get so much as a kiss

Hawks laughs again, already smitten. “Fineeeee. I’ll wear the leather one.”

Dabi_Touyaroki✅

Good boy

See you soon

Dabi_Touyaroki is offline

Hawks smiles stupidly before going to his wardrobe to grab the mentioned jacket and jumps off the balcony soon after, doing several loops above his apartment building before heading to his soulmate’s.

His soulmate. 

To think he didn’t care just a few hours ago. 

And now he’s taking him to dinner! 

Hopefully, he doesn’t find Hawks’ actual voice annoying. 

He manages to make it in eight minutes and chooses to take the actual entrance to give him time to fix his hair before knocking on the door and hopping on the ‘Fuck Off’ mat anxiously. 

His photos were usually photoshopped to hell and interviews could be excused as hero grime. What if Dabi didn’t like his natural face either?

He doesn’t even notice the door has opened until a low voice speaks. 

“I can practically hear you overthinking, birdie. Do you need to trauma dump, too?”

Hawks’ head shoots up and his eyes pin as he stares in awe, and fuck, he’s even prettier in person. His hair looks even softer than on camera and he looks like he’s wearing eyeliner on his upper lids. A few of the fresher grafts are slightly shiny, probably with some sort of cream or gel to help them, and his piercings catch the light in a way that’s horribly distracting to Hawks’ bird brain. He already knows what’s happening under Dabi’s clothes, but the clothes look really good on him too with a deep purple shirt of something similar to silk, and tight, black leather pants that hug everything. It’s finished off with black skate shoes that probably had the club in mind and Hawks trills before slapping a hand over his mouth and looking around in panic. He’s not supposed to make those sounds in public. 

“Relax, birdie. No one here gives a shit.” Dabi chuckles, running a hand through his hair and making Hawks notice the rings on his fingers and fuck did he need to be this effortlessly hot? “Soooo, you gonna say anything and complete the link orrrr?”

Hawks flushes in embarrassment, his feather trembling behind him with nerves. “Right, um, hi? Nice to meet you.”

Just like that, Hawks can hear the echo too and his eyes widen before he grins. “Huh.”

“Yeah,” Dabi smiles, his eyes shining with amusement. “Your ears are sensitive as shit, aren’t they?”

Hawks grins giddily up at Dabi who is a good probably eight centimetres taller than him. “And yours kinda suck.”

“Hmm, dying in your own flames will do that to you.” Dabi hums, his amusement never leaving his face so as to not make Hawks fear he said something wrong as he closes the door behind him and locks it. “Shall we go, birdie? I was promised dinner before my interrogation.”

Hawks chuckles, nodding. “Yeah, let's go.” He agrees, falling into step with Dabi. “And it’s not an interrogation.”

Dabi snorts now. “First time having friends? Soulmate or not, I’m about to get the shovel talk.”

Hawks just can’t stop smiling. “Eh, more like threats of being kicked really fucking hard.”

“I’ve seen what she does to buildings. I wonder what I’d need to frame you for to not die.” Dabi hums as they make their way out of the building. 

“Well, hopefully not the double murder you premeditated earlier.” Hawks jokes.

Dabi grimaces, glaring at a door they pass. “No promises. Fucker. I introduced them in case a graft got infected again so they could call someone, specifically with some medical knowledge. They weren’t supposed to fuck my brother.”

Hawks can’t help, but laugh, finding it ridiculous. “Small world?” 

“You’re telling me,” Dabi mutters, before huffing. “Anyway.”

They spend the rest of the walk talking back and forth, either sharing stories or trading insults after Dabi asks if Hawks has a life outside of hero work half way through dinner. 

“I’m mostly joking.” Dabi hums, taking another bite. “Mostly. I will say right now, I’m not gonna be a constant second fiddle to hero work again. That’s what contributed to my death the first time was Endeavor dropping a goal of surpassing All Might on me the second my quirk came in, and then abandoning me once my quirk started hurting me. Training was the only time he looked at me though so obviously I didn’t stop when he told me.” Familiar but much brighter turquoise eyes bore into Hawks’ old as though bored though Hawks’ feathers can hear his heartbeat hiking. “I know we just met and I’m not saying me or hero work, but if I’m just going to get abandoned again, I’d rather leave now before we can get attached.”

Hawks bites back a sad croon at the thought of Dabi leaving, but can understand where he’s coming from so puts his fork down to consider. “...For reasons, I can’t answer that yet.” He admits but quickly continues when hurt flashes across Dabi’s face. “Tonight was my first time having an account on a cam site. Rumi made me get it while I was in the hospital due to passing out from exhaustion after working on a few hours of sleep for four days, and Rumi had to threaten people to get me time off. I haven’t had more than heat leave since I was eleven in terms of time off, and as you’ve already learned, I have no hobbies or anything really.” Hawks sighs sadly, finally starting to realize how fucked that sounded. He wasn’t just ‘doing his job’ he was a fucking slave. “You were rght that Jeanz is apparently a hero, and he offered help since me not knowing how soulmates work set off alarm bells. I know it won’t be right away, but I would like to start getting some sort of balance, especially if you’re going to be on one side of the scale.” 

Dabi stares at him in consideration before finally nodding. “Okay…fine. We finish tonight, and you find me when you can have a life. That sound reasonable?”

Hawks perks up, having half expecting to be told to fuck off. “More than I was expecting. I’ll make any wait worth it.”

“And I’m still filming either way.” Dabi reiterates from earlier.

Hawks just laughs. “Can I at least buy you a better camera then?”

Dabi hesitates for a moment, finally lowering his spoon. “Wait, for real? Wait no- you’re not buying me more than dinner.”

Hawks can’t help but smirk. “Like two hundred tokens says otherwise.”

Dabi grimaces. “You make if sound like you got me off the corner…to be fair if it had been two years ago…”

“Wait, what?”

Eventually, they make it to the club where Rumi pulls Hawks into a noogy for taking so long before immediately laying into interrogating Dabi about his intentions for their baby bird. 

Dabi is upfront about the conversation at the restaurant and Rumi grins, now considering him an accomplice in the breech of labor laws that is Hawks’ existence. “Perfect answer.” She snickers conspiratorially before dragging Dabi away to the bar to pester him further. 

Hawks just sighs since he can still hear everything being said to Dabi, and turns to the other heroes that we dragged out. “Hey, Jeanist! How the hell did she- Jeanist?”

Jeanist is, for once, not in head-to-toe denim but some weird mix between a Poindexter and a nomad or something. Whatever it is, it makes Keigo’s closet look a little more normal and he’s surprised Rumi didn’t force the taller man to go change. That’s not the weird part though as he is staring at Dabi like he’s seen a ghost, and glancing at Edgeshot for some explanation, the Ninja Hero isn’t looking much better. 

“Uhhh, guys?” Hawks prods. 

“Hotwingz?” Jeanist whispers in horror, making Dabi choke on whatever drink he was given across the bar. 

It’s Hawks’ turn to pale. “Jeanz?” He gulps, eyes drifting to Edgeshot next at Jeanist uncomfortable nod. “Origami?” Another nod and Hawks wheezes. “You have a check mark.”

“I wear a mask in my hero costume and civilian wear,” Edgeshot answers, indeed wearing an outfit that still looks like a ninja, but covers even his hair now. “Taking it off and wearing mostly leather confuses people.”

“One second, carrots.” He hears Dabi through their bond before he sees the cam star moving away more. “Oh my god, I’ve let fucking Edgshot dom me,” Dabi says like he’s freaking out so Hawks can hear. “I’ve let Edgeshot fuck me. I just did a show for Best Jeanist. Is being a gold digger still an option, birdie? I would like to stop existing and being a house husband suddenly sounds great.”

Hawks can’t help a shocked laugh as he looks at his fellow heroes. “You’ve fucked my soulmate?” He wheezes.

Edgeshot shrugs. “Of course. Good boys get fucked.” And Hawks never thought he’d see amusement in the normally serious heroes eyes. “Weren’t you, Dabi.”

There’s more choking across the bar and Hawks’ face flushes, having just spent multiple hours losing any chance of seeing Dabi as any more than a brat at best. He was definitely Dom leaning and did not seem to not like having control. 

Was that just a Hawks thing? 

“Umm, anyway, so about helping me with the Hero Commission then?” Hawks asks, looking to Jeanists to end this horrid conversation. 

Jeanists eyes widen then narrow. “They’re the situation?” He asks before sighing as Hawks’ nods. “Very well. Rumi! We’ll be heading up to the private rooms to discuss Hawks’ issue.”

“Fuck, yeah! More allies!” Rumi grins, rabid as she drags Dabi after her for this meeting, ordering for drinks to be brought immediately. 

Hawks really doesn’t remember much after that, having never drank in his life and making the horrible decision to accept whatever cocktail Rumi handed him. By morning, there is a note shoved in his pocket that a plan was made, but he has no idea what it was or how he got home, but some picture on his phone tell him he had fun finally getting to have fun.

…

He gets a picture from Rumi of a very drunk Hawks tryign to dance with Dabi who is laughing and looking at the mess of a hero so fondly that it’s sickening. 

They’ve known each other one night. 

He doesn’t want to lose him.

AppleBootomJeanzzzz Message (1)

[Good morning, Hawks. I hope you are feeling well and will once again consider changing my name on your phone or at least spelling it right. Any way. Are you ready to be free?]

Hawks looks at the picture again when another comes in of them actually kissing, and the untamed joy the Hawks has never seen on his own face and the softness in Dabi’s makes up his mind.

[No to the name. Yes to the freedom]

[Very well.]

It takes months and a lot of lawyers and hits on all three heroes, but, eventually, Hawks reclaims his freedom and gets his abusers put behind bars. 

The first thing he does with it?

Fly full speed to a small apartment he hasn’t been to in months to practically tackle Dabi the second he opens the door. 

“We did it.” Hawks breathes, squeezing the other man and chirping since he can now. “We did it.”

Dabi wheezes slightly form the tight hug, but chuckles, ruffling wind-mused hair. “That you did, pretty bird. That you did.” He hums, pulling Hawks up for a kiss he’ll actually remember this time. “Welcome back, birdie.”

Hawks grins, kissing back eagerly. “I’m back.”

“I think this calls for celebration,” Dabi smirks against his mouth, not caring they’re in the hallway. “I think I promised to give you my stream tenfold that first time?”

Hawks flushes but smirks. “Pretty sure I donated 100 tokens to be broken.”

Dabi grins wickedly now. “I think I remember something like that.” He snickers before yanking Hawks fully into his apartment. “Ever done this though?”

Hawks shakes his head as he follows Dabi to what he finds is the bedroom. “With what time?”

Dabi hums, but Hawks’ feathers can feel his heartbeat spike. “I’ll need to take my time with you then.”

And take his time he does. 

By the time Dabi is easing his way into Hawks to loud, chittering moans, Hawks has already cum once and his hole is drenched in spit and lube from Dabi eating him out like a man crazed. Thank something Hawks had decided to clean up this morning just in case they won because that was a glorious way to find out Dabi’s tongue is stitched longer and pierced. 

Now, though, Hawks is trying not to mess up Dabi’s grafts with his talons as he’s seemingly split in half, each barbell along Dabi’s shaft catching on Hawks’ rim and making him chirp. When the Prince Albert alone finds his prostate Hawks sees stars and he warbles when the runs of the Ladder are allowed to grind against there. “Dabiiii~!” He moans. 

“Easy, pretty bird. I’ve got you.” Dabi chuckles, looming over him as he eases in centimetres at a time. “Fuck, you’re so tight.”

Hawks moans as he’s speared open, sure the words aren’t helping the tightness as his body reacts to every little pet name and praise, his wings fluffing behind him. “Big…” He manages to chirp out. 

Dabi smirks against Hawks’ throat, kissing every freckle his shitty eyesight can find as he eases into the base. “And you’re doing so good taking it.” He praises, groaning slightly as he finally bottoms out. “See? It’s all in.”

Hawks shudders, squeezing around Dabi experimentally and making them both curse. “Heh, you weren’t kidding about ruining me, huh?”

“I like to keep my promises.” Dabi agrees with a hum. “Tell me when I can…I’ve seen you on the news. I’ll choose when to move.”

Hawks huffs, muttering that he knows his limits, but then Dabi starts nibbling along his neck and it makes something in his bird brain shut off so he croons. 

“Good boy,” Dabi chuckles, continuing like this until he feels Hawks relax enough to feel comfortable moving, pulling out slowly to hear him croon again before thrusting back in to get a chirp, trill, or moan. 

“Dabiii~!” Hawks moans. “Move! Please!”

After his victory today, who was Dabi to deny him?

Dabi gives one more tester thrust before leaning back to plant his hands for leverage and starting to fulfil the promise he made all those months ago, making Hawks really sing, every moan music to Dabi’s ears as he fucks the hero. 

“Been waiting for this haven’t you, baby bird?” Dabi grunts as he fucks Hawks. “Saw some pretty metal on a thick cock and decided to overthrow your abusers just to get it in you. That desperate to not think, huh? Want fucked stupid that bad? I could bend you in half right now and give it to you like you made to machine fuck me.” Dabi smirks before cursing when Hawks squeezes around him. “Fuck. Like that idea, don’t you? Want me to ruin you for anyone else?”

Hawks moans, clinging to whatever parts of Dabi he can reach as his back arches, making him cry out when this gives Dabi a new angle to abuse. “Dabiiii~”

Dabi chuckles lowly, taking that as his cue to go harder, fucking and grinding into Hawks as hard and fast as his beat-up body will allow him, and drinking in every sound like praise that encourages him to work harder, reaching under Hawks to pinch a nipple and hear him coo. 

It’s not long until Hawks is begging Dabi to touch him, saying that he’s so close, Dabi, please. 

And who is Dabi to deny him? 

Dabi spit into his palm before moving it down to stroke Hawks and let him thrust into it and…

Oh?

He barely had to touch the little hero to get something between a caw and a moan and feel warm cum spurting over his hand.

“You weren’t kidding about being close, huh, birdie?” Dabi smirks as he licks his hand clean. “Too bad I’m not.”

Hawks warbles, but doesn’t try to tell him to stop, just whining softly as his sensitive hole is fucked right through the aftershocks of his orgasm that leave him boneless. “Dabi…”

Dabi coos teasingly but takes pity, manoeuvring his thrusts how he knows will feel good and cumming inside the birdie with a groan not long after, draping himself over Hawks’ back as he pants and nipping lightly at his neck like he’s seen a few different heteromorphs do with their partners.

Hawks chirps, wings puffing up at the bites, but eventually groans. “Either break skin or stop that, you’re confusing my bird brain.” 

Dabi hums in consideration, but just places a last kiss for now, pulling out to pull Hawks to the side and hold him close. “Sorry, baby. Saw it in porn.”

Hawks snorts, cuddling close and nuzzling Dabi. “Well my species of bird isn’t as casual as others so maybe talk that over first.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Dabi smirks, kissing Hawks’ hair. “Sooo? Did I live up to my promise?”

Hawks hums, smirking in turn. “Hmmm, I don’t know. I can still feel my legs and that doesn’t seem 100 tokens worth of broken.”

Dabi rolls his eyes, but his smirk never falters. “We’ll have to fix that then, won’t we, pretty bird.”

“Hmm, sounds like we will,” Hawks chuckles before he’s pulled into another kiss that makes him moan. 

And now, he finally has the time to.

[dogydayz]

I think one of my favorite parts of the "autistic Shadow" headcanon is the fact that he's designed to be the Ultimate Lifeform. I don't mean this in an annoying, "autism is a superpower" dumb way (even if I do find my own autism to actually be quite helpful at times, the whole concept of calling it that is stupid and used to hurt people like us), I mean it in a "Shadow was genetically engineered to be an Ultimate Lifeform, he's designed to survive and be able to do things no one else can, yet he still struggles with something that could be classified as a disability in his daily life." I dont know if im wording it properly, but there's something about how he's still viewed as that Ultimate Lifeform despite dealing with something that many people would immediately label as a trait that makes someone "inherently" less capable of survival. I know that many folks struggle with autism in way more severe ways than I may (though much of me saying this is kinda me repressing and refusing to acknowledge that it IS still a disability for me, but still, i recognize others DO deal with more severe aspects than I do), however I really just dislike how autistic characters get labeled as inherently "unable" to live "right". He's a character whose whole thing is that he makes his own path for himself, he fights even if the world hates him, he doesn't back down and even when it looks like he is, he's just playing it smart. Even if he does have these struggles, he IS able to find a life for himself, he isn't held down by expectations or what people tell him he is. In fact, that's ANOTHER whole part of him as a character, that he breaks free from what others say he should be. Even if he were confirmed to be autistic, he wouldn't be "the autistic character". He'd still be himself, he'd be Shadow, they'd be confirming that he has certain struggles, but he'd still be /himself/.

His story wouldn't change, he wouldn't be bound by the chains of what people think an autistic character in media should look like, he wouldn't be "the character who's autistic" (as if they aren't all already autistic, but that's a whole different topic lol), he'd just be Shadow, and Shadow would just happen to be autistic.

Again, I may be wording this wrong and if i am PLEASE forgive me, I'm trying so hard to put my thoughts into words,,,

I think this is coming a bit from a place of me seeing Prime Sonic and thinking to myself "holy fucking shit he's got ADHD but it's not shown as all of him". Of course they havent truly confirmed Sonic to be ADHD but like, i think they probably did do it purposefully here, but maybe that's just me? I just see him do stuff and think "wow yeah, I've done that before! And I do it because i have ADHD! and he has some of my struggles!! But his friends still love him even if they're annoyed by him at times, and he still isn't a bad person even if he did fuck up! Any they handle it with nuance that real people experience in life!!"

And that's how I'd see autistic Shadow being handled. He already has a lotta the traits, but they don't confirm it being based on things like sensory overload or whatever, despite the fact that they really could. And even if they did, he'd be handled just as if it were another trait. It wouldn't be some defining attribute to him, him being autistic wouldn't be some selling point, there wouldn't be any "look! There's now an autistic character in this media!!".

But back to the main point.... Basically, him being autistic doesn't make him any less of the Ultimate Lifeform, and I think that's about the most extreme way to get across the point of "being autistic doesn't make you any less of a person or any less important". He was GENETICALLY ENGINEERED. Yet he still is autistic and it was decided "yep we succeeded in creating the Ultimate Lifeform!", so much so that the military wanted to use him as a WEAPON. Nothing about his potential disability made him any less of a success, or any less of a protector to Maria, or any less of a wonderful creation to Gerald, or any less of anything else to anyone he knows.

Something about that is just... a really nice idea to me. Maybe not for everyone, but to me that's inspiring as fuck, and reassuring to, to think about...

[silvexus]

Re: Sometimes feeling species dysphoria as someone who doesn't ID as non-human - would you be willing to expand on that? It's okay if not - I don't want to pry - but I've never heard of someone having that experience before and think it might be valuable to the overall conversation.

That said the comparison to cis folks sometimes experiencing gender dysphoria makes intuitive sense to me, too.

Sure! I'll try my best to figure out how to articulate this in a way that makes sense and is also respectful (as someone who doesn't ID as non-human, I obviously do not want to appropriate experiences!) but I do fear it may not be as interesting as it sounds.

This got really long, so I'm putting in a read more, oops!

For clarification, I experience psychosis (since childhood) and have neurological disorders. I think the combination of these things is what causes what I'm about to try to describe, though I would certainly not try to say that the only thing that can cause species dysphoria is this sort of experience, nor would that would make someone's experience any less valid if they chose to ID as non-human if they were in a similar situation. Everyone is different, after all!

Primarily, this thing I equate to species dysphoria manifests as two different things that I tend to describe as non-human body language and non-organic yearning.

Non-human body language isn't as encompassing as I'd like it to be, but it's hard to articulate. My limbs don't feel right sometimes; disproportionate to each other, maybe. My spine feels wrong; too short, maybe? That could be the scoliosis causing both of these things, but it happens in my arms sometimes too. I don't know what it wants to be, however. There's ways my body wants to move to convey ideas to others than I can't emulate properly. My vocal mimicry is good, but not good enough, though I wouldn't really tell you what calls I'm supposed to make. I do trill a lot, when I can.

My teeth aren't quite sharp enough, I know that. And would a tail help? Would upright, pointy ears? A crest of feathers? I wouldn't mind a crest, I think, but then the moment passes and what I have is... acceptable. Fine. I am here, in this place, and my nerves are made of fire.

In a more permanent fashion, I bunt people to show my affection, but even when I physically can't it is a constant urge. (I nearly broke poor @/sattarehi asking if I could bunt him.) It's easier to move on all fours sometimes, or just in ways that are unintuitive to a human blueprint. To curl around people while we're sitting on the edge of a bed, them sitting up, me on my side to encircle them, in a way I don't see others doing often. The way I hold my arms sometimes feels like the resting position of something else; holding them at my sides like a person is expected to feels wrong, like it'll impede my ability to flee if I need to. (From what? Is that the paranoia? The hypervigilance? The nerves again? The various and sundry neurodivergencies?) When I'm socially allowed to cross my arms it helps, but it's not quite perfect.

Sometimes, the fact that I cannot do these things more effectively (though my brain does not grant me the knowledge of what that would look like), that I am considered eccentric and strange for doing them at all, pulls at something in me that doesn't speak in any language I have access to.

As an aside that may only slightly be relevant, my social integration is interesting. People who are friends or close associates or even people I think of fondly become extensions of us in a way that isn't so much possessive, but in the same way a tight knit family group might be among certain animals. (Which is why when people ask 'do you experience romantic love?' I can't honestly say. This is already quite intense, you want me to try and define it further?) And that's to say nothing of the prey drive. The human prey drive is intense enough, and I can certainly repress it well (I can't believe PvP games were good for something) but mine feels a little overtuned.

... So the non-organic yearning is fun to try and figure out, but it provokes the same feelings, so I'll try to articulate it just in case it helps!

It feels like I am made of something deeper. Something farther. Here, there, everywhere. I feel like I am floating adrift in a dark sea, unable to drown or sink, though surely I must. Surely I must. And yet.

It isn't an invincibility. It isn't a belief in a higher power or an afterlife. For the sake of my health, I cannot believe in these things. (We shan't talk about my childhood delusions, but they were quite elaborate! You could tell I was into world religions as study subject as a child.)

But sometimes I look into the sky and feel it staring back, like I am stuck in a Polaroid that an old friend keeps looking at to remember me. I look at pictures from all of our instruments that turn into the infinite dark beyond our planet and my brain thinks I want to go home the same way I do when I see my hometown on a map. I am not from here, something in me insists. I am from nowhere, but I am certainly not from here. Is that the intergenerational trauma? The thing that infects you and fills in where your grandparents' language and food and culture is supposed to be? The remains of what a war before you were born left behind? Or is it something else?

It feels like something else, the same way sometimes my body feels wrong in the same, but different, way that it always feels wrong. It feels like whatever I am, separate from this meat suit and these mutinous neurotransmitters, is from somewhere else. That it knows this. That it wants to go back.

Not all of my body dysmorphia is neatly gender dysphoria. Species dysphoria, as a term, helps gather these experiences up neatly, even if I don't identify as non-human. I am human. I am a strange, eccentric human, even if I feel like Something Else Wearing A Human Skin, but ultimately human regardless. Despite that, almost. Maybe, in a strange, contradictory way, I'm both. Human is what I want to be, at the end of this day. But regardless, it does help me understand things a bit more than someone who doesn't have the same experiences, I think. And maybe this will change in the future as my understanding of myself grows! I'm a whole adult, but I'm growing every day, you know?

(You know that book, Casual Rex? And they made it into a show pilot/TV movie called Anonymous Rex? And it was about dinosaurs barely surviving their extinction and pretending to be human and they wore disguises to blend in? There's a scene where a character describes another character as "she's a human pretending to be a dinosaur pretending to be a human!" Life feels like that sometimes.)

[pfhwrittes]

riffing off the poll i reblogged re: your blorbos doing top surgery. so these are some vague headcannons on how the members of tf141 would look after a reader post top surgery.

pairings: gaz x reader, soap x reader, simon x reader (romantic), john price & reader (platonic).

warnings: gaz refers to reader as babe and calls the reader handsome.

note: i’ve written this reader to be a trans man but can be read as anyone who wants top surgery. also i am firmly in the camp that you DON’T have to have surgery to be considered transgender or to have your gender respected. fuck knows it’s a hard enough process here in the UK, i can’t imagine my healthcare being stuck behind what is essentially a paywall.

gaz would be a sweetheart. he’d get you drinks and painkillers. he’d move your cushions/pillows around as much as you wanted. he’d pretend not to see when you burst into tears over pain/relief/a weird sense of mourning and fear. he’d even help you to the bathroom and linger outside the door (unlocked, he’d insist on it being unlocked) in case you need help with anything. the man gets your favourite takeaway and doesn’t make a fuss when you only eat a little bit of it because you’re feeling a bit nauseous from the meds you’re on. checks on your drains and dressings and soothes you when you catch sight of the swelling. he reassures you with forehead and cheek kisses when you’re upset and reassures you with a gentle babe you’re so handsome and brave, i can’t wait for you to show off your chest when you’re feeling better.

price would handle it from a more professional perspective (i am not saying reader would be in the military but i am saying that the man deals with paperwork most of the time anyway so he’d handle it for your work). he’s already sent off copies of your medical note from the surgeon, he’s filled in the paperwork to get sick pay. less hands on than gaz (but that’s only because i can’t see price with a trans man in a romantic or sexual way) so he doesn’t overstep but as your friend he’ll bring you food if you ask and painkillers too. checks in with you and sends you book recommendations, music recommendations and the occasional meme (don’t try to tell me he wouldn’t send you memes. that man is a millennial he knows what a fucking meme is) when you’re well enough to complain about being bored.

simon would be kind of a dick about it. listen i don’t make the rules but he would. he’s supportive enough. he’d give you a ride back from the hospital and get you to wherever is the most comfortable but he’s a bit shit at looking after you (the man has no practice outside of emergency medical care). you’d have to text him to get you a drink or painkillers. healthy nutritious food? no. what flavour pot noodle do you want? never mind you’re getting a bombay bad boy because that’s all he’s got in the cupboard. emotionally he’s not great at expressing how he’s feeling about your recovery so he comes across as gruff but that’s mostly because he’s repressing a whole bunch of trauma and fear that things won’t go well. he won’t touch you apart from holding your hand when you ask because he’s worried he’ll mess up your stitches but still it comes across as a bit cold.

soap the darling man is just so fucking excited for you. it’s a bit much actually while you’re still recovering and yeah you end up snapping and it hurts his feelings a little but he’ll try to play it off as not a big deal. he’s just so happy for you (and for himself because he cannot wait to get his hands on you now that you’ll let him because your chest is the way you want it)! super affectionate, peppers you with kisses all over your face. he’s similar to gaz in that he’s all about making you as comfortable as possible and tries to preempt any requests you have (gets you bottles of water and can of irn-bru because that’s what he always wants when he’s feeling under the weather, grabs you as many snacks as you want). unlike gaz he’s enough of a freak to insist on being in the bathroom with you when you need to go, he says it’s to make sure you’re safe but he’s definitely using it as an excuse to touch you as much as possible until you’re fully healed up.

[distort-opia]

I'd like some director's commentary on-- shocker!-- my favorite angst, "this knife, like silence." A couple questions:

1) "He just steps off, removes himself from the narrative, and when you awake you can’t remember what you yell at him. What things you tell him to try and get him to stay."

Just curious if this is always how it went, or if you played with Bruce remembering what he yelled and what it was.

2) Just any further thoughts on Selina, really. I just keep thinking that Bruce does love her, and that's why he married her, and it'd be awful if maybe deep down the reason he did is because he thought it would bring Joker out of the woodwork! But then at the end of the story, Bruce ends up doing the same thing to his family that Joker did to him, and Selina is so painfully aware of how much Bruce feels Joker's absence that it's probably already occurred to her. Just imagining her deciding settling down with Bruce is worth the loss of freedom, and in return… 🙃 We've talked about a companion story from Joker's POV, but hers would be something too.

Always happy to hear that fic breaks hearts as intended, thank you for the ask!

1) I'm pretty sure I wrote it like that from the start. The thought process behind it was a bit similar to the one behind "friend, please" actually... in the sense that in an extreme situation, Bruce would choke on his repression. He'd desperately want to say the right thing, but he's never been good at expressing his emotions, he's always had issues with directly expressing his desires (hell that's why it took me 90k words and mental torture in REMS for him to even approach actual communication of emotions). So in a way, that line is about him abstractly dreaming that he managed to yell something out to begin with, but he doesn't remember what it was because he doesn't know what it was. Because he still doesn't have the words for what his feelings for Joker are... especially in a world where Joker's gone.

2) Oh Bruce definitely does love Selina; he didn't marry her because he thought it might get Joker to intervene, though the thought was definitely there. Selina has always made him feel less alone, but in a different way than Joker does. Joker and Bruce are similar in a two-sides-of-the-same-coin way, Bruce and Selina are similar in a Venn-diagrams-overlapping way. And he loves the understanding and the kindred spirit he has in her, and married her because of the peace that brings him... and well, partly because he thinks that it's The Thing To Do. He can be happy and have a family and be the man his parents would've wanted him to be. On Selina's part, I think that yeah, she's definitely acutely aware of Bruce's complicated feelings about Joker, but she feels the same way about Bruce, and perhaps hopes that it'll go away. That with time, Bruce will forget about Joker, and the part of him that's never present will slowly come back and be with her fully. Obviously, that's not the case, and Bruce does disappear. I see Selina reacting in a similar way as in Batman/Catwoman (2021), though perhaps a lot more bitterly and in grief... "They live together, they leave together." And damn, a companion piece from Selina's POV would be heartbreaking in a whole different way, though the Joker POV companion piece-- I am promising the second born for that one, since the first one is saved up for the roadtrip fic :))

fanfic writer ask game - director's commentary

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hi sex witch, i realise that this is not an actual sex ed related question and I hope this isn't overstepping any bounds.

I'm sort of in a weird spot right now a la my sexuality and am trying to figure out if I actually want a relationship and if what I feel is romantic attraction or Friendship levelled up. I've known for a long time that I'm Demisexual or Ace, and I thought I knew that I still felt romantic attraction but now I'm less sure.

How did you come to realise that you were aromantic? In that discovery did you ever wonder if it was a sort of 'mental block' or something similar that would be better off working through? (I ask because I'm sort of stuck in that state of mind right now, and I'm just curious to see if it's a common experience or not)

I realise that this is a fairly sensitive topic, and I really don't mean offense by asking.

I also realise that no two people's experiences will be the same but I was interested in hearing about it from another person's perspective.

I hope you have a great day whether or not you give this ask the time of day.

I've asked you other things in the past and it's always been brilliantly helpful. Thanks a lot for everything you do.

hi anon,

no worries about overstepping boundaries :) this is a pretty reasonable thing to ask of someone, and I'm happy to talk about it!

there's a funny story that I tell about the moment I probably should have known, but didn't yet have the language. in sixth grade my class had an assignment that involved making a collage timeline of the rest of our lives (a proto-vision board of sorts) and I think I was the only kid in the class who didn't put getting married on my timeline. everyone else did, as far as I can remember, and most of them also included having kids. being a pedantic little fuck I pointed out to several of my friends that it was really unreasonable to assume they would find someone they liked enough to marry who liked them back, to which everyone told me (paraphrasing) to shut the fuck up and stop being a little bastard.

but it still seemed very strange to me, because even when I was very young - back when I barely had the language to conceptualize being gay, let alone aromantic - I never imagined my life with a romantic partner. romantic pairings were interesting in stories, sure, I ate that shit up from a very young age! the star-crossed lovers shit going on in American Dragon: Jake Long did a number on my developing brain, and my Barbies and Littlest Pet Shops got up to INSANE relationship drama, but for myself it never really felt, like, relevant? not unpleasant, just uninteresting.

but I still had crushes on people as I grew up, and more importantly I had crushes on people of various genders, so during my teen years I was WAY more preoccupied with repressing my burgeoning bisexuality than drawing any conclusions about my romantic orientation

spoilers: the bisexuality won.

in college I had a friend who identified as asexual at the time, who spent maybe a year trying to convince me that I was aromantic. and I didn't want to hear it! I don't know why, honestly; maybe some part of me, despite loving the community I had found coming into my queerness, was still subconsciously afraid of being too different and grappling with the consequences.

so instead I did this uuuuh real dirtbag thing where instead of just acknowledging to myself that I was pretty fundamentally uninterested in romantic relationships and that that's fine, I spent the first half of college leaning hard on self-deprecation to explain my single status. oh, me? why aren't I dating? well, I'd probably be a really bad partner. yeah, I suck. I mean, I'm so busy all the time! and I'm weird.

(at the time I know I definitely had friends who assumed I was Like That because my parents were divorced, which is hilarious old-fashioned and also categorically untrue. I was Like This way before my parents got divorced!)

it actually took a relationship ending pretty badly to make peace with the idea that maybe I didn't want a relationship at all. I won't get into the details on that, because it involves another person and we were both very young and accidentally hurt each other a lot in ways we didn't mean and I don't think anyone was the villain, but I don't want it to come across like I had one bad breakup and then swore off romance, a thing I'd previously been interested in, forever. it was more like I found myself in a really heightened situation - they really desperately needed a good and attentive romantic partner after getting out of a bad relationship, I wanted our friendship to stay exactly the same but with a sexual component - that made very, very obvious what I was actually looking for in non-platonic relationships. which was, I guess, actually pretty platonic relationships, but with genitals involved.

haha just kidding, I actually didn't get that part through my skull until I spent an entire summer crying constantly, dissociating frequently, and spending way too much time on BAD dates having even worse sex that made me feel gross! but we got there eventually.

that part probably isn't super relatable to you if you're somewhere in the ace realm, sorry about that.

anyway, once the dust settled and I felt halfway human again I was feeling vulnerable and open to change - finally willing to see myself in a new way and reckon with parts of myself that I hadn't been before. I remembered what my buddy had always said about me seeming Really Aromantic, and I let it settle on me. how would I feel, if I actually was aromantic? how would it change my life, how I thought about myself?

and if I can use a cliche with you? it felt like a weight rolling off my shoulders. I suddenly had a whole sturdy base to build a better understanding of myself on, an easy way to justify the way I lived that didn't require throwing myself under a bus.

thinking of myself through the lens of aromanticism felt like a huge, HUGE relief, and frankly I think that, more than anything, is the best way for anyone to decide if they should be applying any identity label to themselves. which brings us back to you! I actually don't believe in the model of sexuality and gender that posits a secret innate Right Answer buried in each person that they'll discover if the just find the right terminology. all of the words we use are the result of our time and place, right? people like us existed all through history with different words for themselves, and they'll exist way after us calling themselves things we can't imagine.

so basically: I came to realize I was aromantic because calling myself aromantic felt like loving myself, and if that's the case for you than I strongly recommend you do it, too.

happy pride xoxo

[bridgyrose]

Days had passed since her friends had arrived and Penny was still no closer to finding out what Ironwood had wanted with them or why he wanted to keep everything quiet. Walking to his office to try to listen in only managed to get her pulled away to take care of some grimm, any attempt to talk to Yang or Blake was met with empty promises to tell her what was going on, and Ruby… seeing the way that Ruby was used as a weapon to clear out grimm from the mines reminded her of how the General had used her before Beacon fell, only to nearly toss her away when she couldnt live up to what she had been built for. 

Penny sighed as she stood up and started to make her rounds around Mantle with Weiss, taking to the streets to look for any grimm that made it through the wall. 

“Everything alright, Penny?” Weiss asked. “You seem… distracted.” 

“I… I am worried about Ruby,” Penny answered. “We hardly get to see her and I want to make sure she is safe. That she is not becoming like how I was.” 

“A machine?” 

“A weapon. A tool. Something for the General to use and to put away when he is done. I do not want her to go through the same thing I did.” 

“I worry about her too, but there’s nothing we can do. If the General needs her, then it has to be important, right? And the next time we see her we’ll help her get her memories back.” 

“If we get to talk to her,” Penny thought to herself. It was going to be unlikely that they were ever going to be able to talk to her again, and even if they did, there was no guarantee they’d be able to undo anything that was done to repress Ruby’s memories. Dying wasnt easy, and coming to terms with that death takes time. And time felt like it was running out. Beacon falling, Atlas cutting off all trade and putting up a blockade to keep people from coming and going, her friends suddenly showing up… something was coming and she needed to know what. “Have you been able to talk to our friends?” she asked. “I know that you have missed them dearly.” 

“Only a little,” Weiss admitted. “They’ve been kept busy so I havent been able to see Blake and Yang much. And Jaune… he’s worried about Ruby too, but he has other things on his mind.” 

“Have they told you what they’re here for?” 

Weiss shook her head. “Not really, only that it was important and that they were told not to bring us into it. Though, they wouldnt say why.” 

Penny nodded and sighed. “Maybe we will find out more.” 

“I hope so. It feels strange to be this close to my friends and be so far away from them.” 

Penny nodded and stopped in her step as her scroll picked up the alert of grimm entering into Mantle. She looked out in the direction the alert had told her the grimm was, frowning. “That cant be right, it seems like its almost near the crater.” 

“Maybe its a flying grimm?” Weiss suggested.

“Maybe, but we would have gotten an alert sooner if it flew over us.” 

“Unless the alert system was tampered with.” 

“I’ll meet you out there,” Penny said as she took to the air. She took a breath to try to calm herself as she flew over Mantle and scanned for any grimm as she made her way to the crater. There were no signs of grimm having run from one of the holes in the wall towards the crater, and if it was a flying grimm, then it should’ve been sighted earlier or at least taken care of by the airships that patrolled the air. 

As she made it closer to the crater, she spotted a lone sabyr near the crater, though it seemed different from other grimm. Less stable, an ichor dripping from it that led to a nearby crack in the street. It was almost as if the grimm had just suddenly appeared on its own. Still, she started to charge her laser to blast it.

“Fiona, block it from running away! May, get the civilians away until we know if there’s more here. Joanna, you know what to do!” 

Penny paused and lowered her hand as she watched a group of huntresses take care of the grimm with ease. Once the grimm was taken care of, she lowered herself to the ground, eyes still watching the huntresses as she scanned them to find their identities. 

“About time Ironwood’s toy shows up,” the leader of the huntresses, who she recognized as Robyn, said without looking at Penny. “I take it he’s finally going to deal with the grimm showing up.” 

“I am not sure I understand what you mean,” Penny said as she walked over. “This is the first time I have gotten a warning about any grimm this close to the crater.” 

Robyn turned around and offered a hand to Penny. “Then what are you here for?” 

Penny reached out to take Robyn’s hand for a moment, pulling back, and then taking her hand. “I had gotten an alert for a grimm out here.” She paused when she saw the aura around her hand turn green. “My partner and I are supposed to keep Mantle safe, but seeing a grimm out here without any other alerts sounded off.” 

Robyn pulled her hand away and motioned for Penny to follow. “Then maybe the two of you can help us out.” 

“Help out?” 

“Grimm like that one have been popping up around the crater without warning. We thought they were coming through the wall and tearing through the soldiers left to keep the grimm out, but after today, we dont think that’s the case anymore.” 

Penny followed Robyn, almost curious about what Robyn had meant. “I still do not think I understand. Grimm do not just appear out of nowhere.” 

“These have. We actually watched one crawl up through a crack in the ground.” 

“Why have you not told General Ironwood about this?” 

“We’ll tell him whenever it is he finally opens up about why supplies for the wall are being moved towards Amity Arena out in the tundra.” 

“He… he said he was going to take care of the wall,” Penny said quietly. “I was just supposed to protect Mantle until then.” 

Robyn shrugged. “Guess he keeps some things closer to his chest than I thought. In the meantime, I’ll need you to help out around here. And maybe you can help us find out more about what Ironwood is doing.” 

“I… I will need to think about it.” 

“You know where to find me.” 

Penny nodded and started to make her way to Weiss. Grimm appearing out of cracks in the streets, repair supplies getting pushed to Amity instead of the wall, none of it made any sense. Much less that the General would allow for anything like this. 

“There you are!” Weiss called out as she ran over to Penny. “Sorry I’m late. A few grimm appeared without an alert and I had to stop them. You’ll never guess how they appeared though.” 

“Through the cracks in the ground,” Penny said more than asked. 

“Y-yeah, how… how did you know?” 

“You are not the first to notice. Robyn said the same thing.” 

“Robyn… Robyn Hill? You actually spoke to her?” 

Penny nodded. “She seems to trust me and is hoping that I can work with her to find out what the General is doing.” 

“He’s trying to keep Mantle safe, isnt he?” 

“Robyn said he is moving supplies from the wall to the tundra to help with Amity.” 

“But the wall… we were only supposed to protect Mantle until he could get that repaired.” 

“That is what Robyn wants us to find out.” 

“Then we should do it!” 

Penny paused for a moment, almost thinking everything over. She trusted Weiss and her judgment, but she also trusted the General. Still, if Robyn was right, then they had to do something to help keep Mantle safe. “Alright, but if we do, then we cannot tell Ironwood that we are working with her.” 

Weiss smiled. “That wont be a problem.” 

[clacing]

if you don’t mind, can I hear your thoughts on the possibility of Homura having internalized homophobia? I’ve seen a post about it or two, (mostly with the scene where there’s a statue of Madoka (?) ) and I have no idea what the census is on it

First of all I am so sorry you sent me this ask more than a month ago but I had exams at the time and then was too burned out to write anything that made sense so this might be a bit incoherent 😭

I don't know what the consensus is either but I can tell you what I personally think: she doesn’t literally have internalized homophobia, but she's definitely coded that way.

What I mean by that is I don’t think the idea that “my feelings for Madoka are wrong because I’m a girl and she’s a girl” has ever crossed Homura’s mind, because I don’t think Homura considers the feelings themselves to be wrong at all. But that has less to do with Homura valuing herself or the nature of her feelings and everything to do with the object of those feelings being Madoka. 

Homura holds on to her love for Madoka like a lifeline. She embraces it as the reason for her existence, even going on a downward spiral in the Wraith Arc when she realizes her feelings for Madoka are starting to fade along with her memories because it makes her feel purposeless. That love is essential to her survival, and her survival is essential to saving Madoka and preserving her world - so Homura can't hate it, repress it, or resent it, not even if she wanted to. What she can do is refuse to act on it.

Homura hates herself, but she doesn't hate herself because of her feelings for Madoka. She probably would hate herself more if she didn’t adore Madoka. I think it’s more of the opposite, that her feelings are only a problem because she hates herself and thinks she deserves nothing good. Even before meeting Madoka, Homura felt useless and like a burden on those around her, and I can't imagine that feeling has gotten any better after 100+ timelines of trying to save your best friend and only succeeding in making her fate worse.

So in later timelines especially, Homura starts keeping her distance from Madoka to be able to focus on protecting her. She stops touching her, stops trying to build a connection with her, stops interacting with her unless absolutely necessary (though she doesn’t exactly succeed), which is a far cry from how affectionate they used to be with each other. 

Homura won’t allow herself to be happy, won’t think she deserves to be until Madoka is safe, but that goalpost gets farther and farther away ‘cause Madoka only gathers more and more karmic potential - so all that does is make sure she never gets to be happy, because her fight will never really be over.

And I might just be reaching here, but that kind of emotional repression, coupled with the feeling of never doing enough to deserve happiness, because no matter how hard you work or how much you sacrifice, you’re still just a flawed human standing against a system that’s designed to crush you - that just screams Catholic guilt to me. And while we don’t know if Homura is or ever was Catholic herself, we know she did go to Catholic school, which clearly still colors a lot of her language and worldview.

It’s not uncommon for Catholics to “accept” LGBT+ people, but only so long as they’re aware it’s a sin and seek penance for it and keep it to themselves - so plenty of LGBT people who grow up Catholic can acknowledge their feelings and even entertain them to a certain extent, but still struggle to outright act on them. And Homura’s feelings have the added burden of being astronomically strong (I’ll get back to that) which would put off anyone who didn’t know any better - so as they grow over time, she can show less and less of them, but having to repress them also gets harder.

Her literally and figuratively making Madoka her god is an extension of all of that. It’s just much, much easier to justify your feelings for someone if you convince yourself that they are perfect, unreachable and untouchable, because a) They stop being human. They’re a god, and you’re supposed to worship gods, right? b) You can’t do anything to a god. You can’t hurt them or ruin them or make them uncomfortable no matter how much you love them c) A god can’t love you back, so there’s no risk of your feelings being encouraged.

Which brings me to the scene with Madoka’s statue. This scene happens when Homura’s trying to figure out who could’ve trapped all of them in a labyrinth, therefore disrespecting Madoka’s last wish and sacrifice. She makes a big show of caring about Madoka first, about Madoka only - she can’t even spare one second to feel glad that she got to see Madoka again before jumping to Whoever did this is wrong and evil and must be stopped because this is what Madoka gave her life for. 

And while all of this is going on, her familiars are mocking her because they know damn well the person who did this is Homura herself, which is proof that as much as she claims to worship Madoka, to only want what she wants, to be serious about respecting Madoka’s wishes, there is also a part of her that wants her there, that lured her into her labyrinth because she missed her.

We flash back to this scene again when Homura realizes she is the witch, except now Homura sees herself touching Madoka’s statue and staining it. That’s usually the scene people point to when talking about Homura having internalized homophobia, because it can be read as Homura feeling like wanting to be with Madoka again (and inadvertently acting on that desire as a witch) is tainting Madoka’s sacrifice, or as Homura feeling like her love is tainting Madoka herself.

And I think those interpretations are inextricably linked, because the queer coding in Homura’s whole arc is very much intentional. Even when it’s not outwardly about her being a lesbian, everything she goes through resonates so much with every part of the queer experience that it still winds back around to her being a lesbian. Homura has tried so hard to repress the part of herself that doesn’t just want Madoka, but wants her with her; she’s tried to put Madoka’s wishes before her own, and convinced herself that she’s fine with it - but well, witches don’t have that kind of restraints. So Homura is forced to recognize that she’s not happy just standing at the feet of Madoka’s statue and worshipping stone, and that makes the illusion shatter.

And once she stops being able to ignore that she doesn’t see Madoka as a god, not really; and that Madoka maybe didn’t want to be a god in the first place; that’s when she decides to take matters into her own hands.

Remember what I said about Homura’s feelings for Madoka being astronomically strong? What I mean is that they literally aren’t bound to the laws of the universe, because they exist outside of the cycle of hope and despair. Rebellion and Wraith Arc especially imply that her magic is self-sustaining because her magic and her love for Madoka are the same thing - meaning that as long as Homura keeps loving her, there is nothing she can’t do (they actually explain the mechanics of it in Wraith Arc, but it would make this meta even longer and more convoluted than it already is). She is an anomaly, on par with Madoka (maybe even because of Madoka, in much the same way Madoka only became as powerful as she is because of Homura) - so when she says that no one could possibly understand her, that this feeling is hers and hers alone, I believe her! But that’s also just the queer experience again - thinking you’re the only one who’s ever felt like this, that no one could possibly understand you, that somehow what you feel is different and more powerful and potentially more dangerous than all other kinds of love.

But it’s also the only thing that can save Madoka, and we know Homura would damn herself for her. She was willing to die in her labyrinth, away from the Law of Cycles, in despair for all of eternity, to keep Kyubey from getting to Madoka - why not take it one step further to give Madoka a chance at being truly happy? Her love made Madoka a god in the first place, so it stands to reason that if Homura puts her mind to it, it can tear her down and make her human again.

So Homura finally sets that love free. She reaches out and takes Madoka’s hands and declares her love for her to everyone who’s listening. She takes the disruptive potential her love has and takes advantage of it, because Madoka used her infinite power to make the magical girl system a little bit kinder to everyone but Homura looks at the system that's causing the girl she loves so much pain and says the system is wrong - and then demonizes herself for it. But she sets it free nonetheless.

It’s not too different from magical girls releasing their despair and turning into witches, although Homura is obviously affecting the world on a much larger scale. I’m saying this not to claim that Homura had no control over her actions and therefore did nothing wrong, but to point out that magical girls needing to make peace with the uglier parts of themselves is an important part of the show. That’s why Sayaka being able to summon her own witch at will was so powerful - because we’ve seen her struggle through the series and fall into despair, and we see her now having full control over her emotions and using the darkness she knows is inside her to her advantage, to be stronger, instead of suppressing it. And I definitely think Homura needed to release those feelings too instead of keeping them locked up and beating herself up over them, because there’s so much power in them - as much potential for good and positive change as they’ve got for destruction - and releasing them is the first step towards embracing them.

Obviously everyone will have different interpretations of this scene, but to me, this is the closest Homura has ever come to asking Madoka if she reciprocates her feelings. Or at the very least, if she can accept them. And Madoka (who has no context for this whatsoever) says No.

But for Homura to be able to ask Madoka if she’s allowed to be selfish, if she’s allowed to act on her desires at all, even if the only reason she’s asking is that at this point she’s got nothing left to lose - well, it’s huge.

I’m not going to say the way Homura went about things was right or even good for her, considering she is very clearly riddled with guilt and Rebellion is overflowing with suicidal imagery - but also there’s something to be said about how sometimes, accepting you’re the devil and going to hell anyway can give you the freedom to explore and potentially embrace parts of yourself you’ve always been too afraid to act on. So, mixed bag?

[somekindofsentience]

Omori and its parallels with OCD, or my personal connection to this game

SPOILER WARNING: AS USUAL, MAJOR OMORI SPOILERS FOR MOST ENDINGS AND THINGS.

CONTENT WARNING: MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM, SUICIDE, SEVERE MENTAL ILLNESS, DEATH, LOSS AND OMORI-TYPICAL CONTENT. I will also be referring to my own intrusive thoughts a lot, so please take caution if it might trigger you to spiral.

DISCLAIMER: I AM BY NO MEANS A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL. I am in the process of seeking a diagnosis (we're getting there :) ), but it has been otherwise confirmed by professionals that I experience OCD. This post is about my personal experience with OCD and trauma, and the way I believe these feeling manifest in the game. I don't believe Sunny or Basil experience OCD, but I want to compare my experiences with obsession, compulsions and trauma-related OCD. Other people may have completely different experiences, and those are valid!

You could call this catharsis, some form of healing. Really I'm doing this for myself, which was kind of why I started writing Omori analysis in the first place (???). and im a nerd for this game

Guilt

Guilt has always been one of my biggest hurdles, and it's also a very relevant theme in Omori.

For the longest time, my brain and I have been actively trying to develop compulsions to cope with guilt, and it seems to consistently fail. I've tried singing songs on repeat, extreme self-harm, distraction, avoidance ect, and nothing seems to work. Sure, I've never committed recital day, but even small things can make me feel horrifically guilty, as my intrusive thoughts tell me I'm a horrible person or a liar.

I see this in Sunny, too. For the longest time, his mind has been trying to cope with the guilt, and it chose to delve deep into repression. But no matter how much he represses, the truth is still there, and so that guilt is still there.

The Fear Polaroids in the Omori Route are also a representation of guilt, as is the mirror during the Truth segment, both depicting Sunny has a hideous demon. My intrusive thoughts depict me as a demon, too, doing horrific things to myself and others. The images of mutilated, demonic Sunny capture the... inhumanity that my mind makes me feel.

I get it, Sunny. I don't feel human either.

Mewo's Death as an Intrusive Thought

Cat Dissection is an interesting area of Black Space, in that its immediate relevance to the truth is less obvious. It's also one of the more horrifying ones - on my first playthrough, I was running blind, and I figured you'd have to kill Mewo for the key. You do not. my biggest regret

Mewo is obviously linked to Mari, but at the time, we'd only ever seen this slightly mentioned in the real world photo album. At that point in Black Space, Mewo was closely tied to Sunny and Omori, being an essential part of White Space.

The player can stab themselves to get out, or cut open Mewo and suffer the regret. This room feels very reminiscent of a gruesome intrusive thought that just won't go away, those days where you see yourself murdering all your friends, or violently injuring yourself. Much of Sunny's hallucinations, or creatures like Something, also mimic this kind of thing.

That room has far deeper analysis to dive into, but this is as far as I'll go for this segment.

Compulsive Behaviour - Repetition

Basil is probably the first character that comes to mind when I think of compulsive behaviour. His most iconic line...

This sort of repetitive action is the root of a compulsion - an attempt to relieve anxiety. Whether or not Basil fits the criteria of needing repeat those words otherwise something bad might happen is unknown, but this sort of behaviour is very relatable in my experience.

I have a tendency to not be consciously aware, but others notice that I'll mumble things to myself. Typically this is me trying to talk back to my intrusive thoughts, as far as I know, and trying to confirm to myself that they're wrong. This will often end in asking someone else or doing research to confirm.

By repeating these things, Basil is trying to ward off the reality, which is that everything isn't okay at all, and likely won't be. But the specific framing is future-oriented - he isn't saying that things are okay right now, he's saying that they will be. This could link to my later point about uncertainty.

Avoidance

Not many people talk about avoidance behaviours as a compulsion, which is probably why much of my OCD went unnoticed as a child. You don't really consider mental compulsions, and avoidance can be very easily hidden, especially if you the ability to force yourself through something if you have no other options.

While it's not exactly the same, Sunny's repression of rooms in his house and the shaking head that prevents you from going to particular areas are forms of avoidance. The sliding glass door that leads to the backyard and the piano room are the most notable - it's not repressed, it's there, but Sunny shakes his head every time you interact with it. He can't go in there. He just can't. There's no explanation for the player.

I relate to that. I have strange rules that mean I can't do things. I just can't. There's no real explanation for myself, either, and sometimes I don't even get intrusive thoughts of the consequences, just some insistence that I can't do it. Perhaps this was confusing or frustrating for the player, but I found it incredibly realistic.

Uncertainty and Abandonment Issues

I've heard somewhere that OCD is, ultimately, a fear of uncertainty. As a result of this disorder, combined with trauma, I also have abandonment issues the way Basil does.

Even before the recital day, Basil's abandonment issues are prevalent. He clings to the group with the photo album, preserving his memories. He took photos of the things he didn't want to lose. After the recital day, Basil really did lose everything, and he was broken as a result of that.

I imagine this sort of thing was one of his regular worries, everyone abandoning him, Sunny in particular. And I can relate to that - one of my more common intrusive thoughts is others leaving me after they find out I've done something horrible. It makes you want to shut off from relationships, just to be safe - what if everyone leaves?

I think that 'what if' is what made Basil so attached to Sunny in the present day of the game. He wants to save Sunny, he wants to make things back to the way they were before, but at the same time, there's this uncertainty - Sunny is moving? Sunny is leaving? What will happen? What if everything gets worse?

This wasn't the easiest to write, but thank you for reading.

[cosmicjoke]

okay cosmic. i am back again for another analysis from you. we have talked a bit about megumi fushiguro but not in depth and as you know he’s my favorite jjk character. so i was just wondering your in depth thoughts/analysis on him. lots of people call him “boring” and “useless” which i disagree and i always love reading what you have to say about characters even if it isn’t the same as me(which it almost always is tbf). anyway it’s ok if you don’t have anything to say about him just would love to hear your thoughts if you do 🩵

It's funny, because Megumi was initially my favorite character on JJK too, before it became Gojo, and Megumi still remains my second favorite, so we have essentially the same characters in our top two spots, haha.

Overall, I never enjoyed JJK the same way I do say Attack on Titan, so I've never put as much thought into it. I only read it once through, and I admit that the fatigue of getting through so many battles, with so many pages of exposition explaining how some characters cursed technique works, made me pay less attention, so I've forgotten a LOT of the details of the story, including character names, etc.... I would have to re-read it I think to really develop a better understanding of it and its characters. So I'm afraid I won't be able to offer a great deal of insight or really thoughtful analysis the way I try to with AoT and its characters. But I'll try my best here.

I have no idea why anyone would call Megumi useless or boring. Maybe because Sukana was able to bring out the full potential of the Ten Shadows technique, and people think by comparison, Megumi is a failure. But it's an absurd comparison to begin with. Sukana is literally ancient and has been around forever, while Megumi is, what, 15 or 16 years old? He's just a kid who hasn't had any kind of chance yet to develop or reach his full potential. And even still, calling him useless is a purposefully false accusation. He's been integral in numerous battles and conflicts in JJK, essential in his friends ability to walk away with their lives.

As for calling him boring, again, I don't know why anyone would say that about him. Maybe because he generally tends not to show a great deal of emotion? But then, you and I both know how stupid it is to assume a character doesn't feel anything just because they don't engage in dramatic displays of emotion. I think it's obvious that Megumi is dealing with a lot of repressed trauma, both from the abandonment by his father, and the situation with his sister. That, on top of the horrors he and the other jujutsu students have to face daily, and I think it's just made him a very guarded person. But the devotion he feels toward his sister betrays what a caring person he really is. He never abandoned her, even when she fell into a coma. He would always make time to visit her, and did everything in his power to protect her. So while Megumi affects an attitude of detachment, I think it's pretty obvious how much he actually cares about everyone around him. Like when he first meets Itadori, he acts like he can't stand him and doesn't care what happens to him, but it's Megumi who first requests Gojo's help with Yuuji, and we see over and over again how much he actually cares for him, and all his friends, and how deeply it impacts him whenever any of them gets hurt or dies.

I actually think Megumi is probably going to be essential in some way to defeating Sukana. I haven't been reading these last, several chapters, but I've been keeping up with spoilers, and that's just the sense I'm getting. There was so much build up to Megumi's potential, with Gojo's lessons with him, with Gojo telling him he had the potential to surpass him, Sukana's taunting and then stealing his body and technique, etc... So unless Gege drops the ball on his own foreshadowing again (which is always possible, considering the shitshow that his writing has been lately), I think Megumi is likely to become the actual hero of this story. I think he's been being set up to take on that role since basically the beginning. The character that, on the surface, seems the least invested, or declaring his own detachment from people, being the one to actually save the day, would be a classic hero trope. Our main players right now in Itadori and Yuta falling to Sukana, and needing Megumi to overcome him in order to save their lives, would make a lot of sense to me. Like defeating Sukana from within, after being underestimated and after Sukana's attempts to destroy Megumi too.

Of course, I could be totally off base, and whatever happens with Megumi could just be another, underwhelming bleh moment, kind of like what just happened with Kenjaku and his story and connection to various characters going absolutely nowhere, lol. So who knows. I don't really trust Gege as a writer at this point. But maybe he'll actually manage to pull off something worthy of Megumi's character. He's due for something like that, considering the way he butchered Gojo's ending.

[lastoneout]

you absolutely do not need to respond if you don't want to but how does the "everything feels worse because i'm finally healing" differ from "everything feels worse because things really are that bad currently"? i always wonder if there's a way to tell them apart. glad you're getting recovering!

Imo the difference so far, is that back when I was still in an unsafe place that was making my trauma worse, between the hysterical sobbing meltdowns I just felt so....normal. I would freak out and break sometimes, but after that I would feel weirdly fine. Or even at times like I didn't have emotions at all? It was like my brain was going "there is no war in ba sing se" to protect me and keep me from freaking out too bad, and like it kinda was! My major coping mechanism has always been ignoring my emotions and shoving them all in a box until they aren't bothering me anymore. And when I was in those shitty situations that was helpful, because I needed to keep myself alive and I wasn't going to be able to do that if I was a sobbing mess all the time.

Also, the one time it got really, really bad, like I was so deep in a traumatic situation it was clearly just completely destroying me, I really did feel like that part in Inside Out where Riley's console just goes dark and none of her emotions can press any buttons. There was this overwhelming sense of dread and misery, and I could barely take care of myself at all. I stopped going to school and showering and I barely ate anything, I didn't talk to my friends, and tbh I did some stuff that I am SUPER not proud of, bcs my brain legit wasn't working at all, and it wasn't until I got out that I started feeling like a person again.

The pain of healing never feels like that. Yes, I am in a bad mental space a lot of the time, I'm depressed and I have nightmares that make me legit so depressed I spend the whole day crying, but there's like...idk this undercurrent of function and focus that wasn't there before. I can keep doing things WHILE being sad(for the most part), instead of only being able to function when I am repressing everything. And tbh it really does feel like I don't have a choice in the matter, which sounds bad but it's kinda nice? Like my brain is done repressing things and isn't going to let me do it anymore. Every time I try it's almost like there's a firm but kind voice in my head saying "no, we can't do that anymore, you have to face this, it's okay".

It's kinda weird too bcs the deeper into healing I get the less my old coping mechanisms help. Hell most of them don't even work anymore. As an example my mom got into a car wreck recently and she was in the hospital for a while, and when I found out I tried to go into my "no feelings no nonsense we have to be strong now" mode, but it didn't work?? I spent the whole time I was there crying, and like!! I actually was happy I was crying!! Because I've never been able to do that!! It's such a weird thing to be happy I'm upset but like, it means I'm making progress.

And that makes every single moment of misery bearable because I know I need this. I've needed this my entire life, and it hurts and is scary, and sometimes I do have to just zone out and play video games or spend a day in bed being sad, but I just...know it's the right thing. Idk how else to explain it, I just know.

It also helps that now I know what a happy, safe life looks like and I know it's there waiting for me. I know this work is worthwhile because I don't want to live my life the way I used to. And I am in a happy, supportive relationship that actively inspires me to work on myself and be a better person. I know not everyone has that, but framing it in a way where I am trying to be better not just for myself but for the people I love helps give me that extra bit of strength I need to keep going.

Anyway this is kinda rambly, sorry, but I did want to answer. If anyone else has any advice for anon feel free to add it on!! I have to go to therapy now lmao but when I'm done if I think of anything else I'll add it!

[blueskittlesart]

Never thought about it before but goddamn you're right, Betty would be a MUCH better song story-wise if it was sung by a girl like "Then I saw you dance with him" hanging out with your best friend that you've been pining for for ages and she's dancing with a guy and you can't stand it, can't help how the assumption she doesn't like girls makes you so bitter and angry, but you can see the way she's looking at the guy she's dancing with so you ditch her and go have a fling with another girl, ignoring every time she tries to talk to you, refusing to tell her what she did wrong the entire summer, but the truth is she's always on your mind and you're doing both Betty and this other girl that you refuse to even name wrong in using her to replace Betty, and it also removes the shitty cheating aspect of the song to make it about a repressed, closeted lesbian (Betty) and a less repressed but very frustrated lesbian (the POV character), still sucks for the unnamed girl though. But anyway lesbianism would improve the story part of it so much (I don't mean this in a way of shitting on the original song because it's one of my favourites, it's just lesbians would make it even better)

sorry im going to act insane for a second i PROMISE i am not one of those lesbian taylor truthers i am just a lesbian who loves to relate to music ok please remember this as you read this post i promise i am normal

BETTY IS ABOUT LESBIANISM TO ME. "you heard the rumors from inez, you can't believe a word she says most times but this time it was true" inez knows the speaker likes girls and can't keep her mouth shut about it. the speaker desperately tries to discredit inez's rumors to everyone EXCEPT betty, who she WANTS to know on some level. "I saw you dance with him" is the inherent pain of being a girl in love with your best friend and watching her dance with a guy and knowing you will never be enough for her. she will always want something you can't give her even though all you've ever wanted is her. the speaker tries to replace betty with another girl and ignores her and betty is suddenly jealous in a way she doesn't understand. while the speaker spends the summer trying to replace betty with another girl and pretend like she doesn't care, betty spends the summer coming to terms with the fact that their friendship meant something more and that she likes girls too. "the worst thing that i ever did is what i did to you" has 2 meanings in my mind, one is the intended meaning of the speaker leaving betty without ever telling her why, but if the speaker is a girl it goes deeper--befriending her & loving her in the first place was the worst thing the speaker ever did, because it leaves her with only two choices: leave betty without explaining and hurt her, or tell betty how she feels and, if betty feels the same way, risk being ostracized by their peers for being gay. (there are lines that allude to betty being under some pressure to not date the speaker--"in front of all your stupid friends," specifically, but "switching her homeroom" could be switching AWAY from the speaker so that she won't be tempted, depending on how you want to interpret it.) one more line that i think is very lesbian is the whole "right now is the last time i can dream about what happens when you see my face again." like. maybe this isn't EXCLUSIVELY a lesbian experience but i think most of us had a tumultuous almost-relationship friendship that never got closure and so we daydream about seeing her again and telling her everything that went unsaid. right. im not the only one who does that right

[lillotte17]

I woke up to this thought, which tells you how bad the brainrot is tbh, but like... It's not just "they don't say things out loud bc of repression and trauma", and "Oh wow, neither of them listen to each other ever, yikes!"

Neither of them are used to working with someone else as an actual TEAM, let alone as a couple. I know it seems like they've been "working together" for a long time because of "the arrangement", and because all of the flashbacks (naturally) show the times when they were together, but think about the long stretches of time between those events! Especially back towards the beginning of things when they hadn't quite decided they were friends yet. The vast majority of their time on earth has been spent alone, and not only that, but when Heaven and Hell passes them an assignment, how they handle that assignment is left largely in their own hands to figure out, because "head office doesn't care how things get done, they just want to know they can cross it off the list."

They are used to orders, and they are used to doing things their own way by themselves. Even when they are helping each other out with blessings and temptations, what we are shown is that they more or less just tell the other one what the job is, and then let them handle it without any oversight. The only exceptions seems to be when they're both suddenly in A Situation, and then they have to play off of one another on the fly. That's really not the same as sitting down and having a discussion, finding compromises, or jointly coming up with a plan about how to handle something.

The first time they even really attempt to really work together is when they agree to jointly influence Warlock's upbringing, and even then they really just get together and compare notes, they don't ask or offer insight about how things should be done. Most of their fights in season one stem from the fact that instead of actually trying to plan something together, they both just keep passing the buck back and forth about "well, you should come up with a plan to fix this."

And I'm not saying that it's an excuse exactly, but it makes sense! When you live for eternity, a four year adjustment period is practically nothing. I myself am such a creature of habit, who likes to do things my own way in my own time, and I like having my own space to do it in. Getting into the mindset of A Relationship, where you are expected to at least check in with someone else for most major decisions, and even quite a few of the smaller ones...it's a big change. It's an effort. And it's an effort that I don't know that either of them have figured out that they really needed to be making.