#but i am trying to be less repressed. i was even telling my friends at uni about the date we were on on saturday

[gaytobymeres]

if my parents dont suspect im dating someone at this point then idk when they will

[lunarzomb]

In Defense of Callie Sadecki

(Aka I want to ramble about my thoughts on Callie) Since my recent post about Callie Sadecki, I have been thinking about her character more and more. I feel like the purpose of her character and her actions are easily misunderstood by some people. I must admit, on my first watch through of Yellowjackets I was very annoyed by Callie's presence. I felt that her dismissiveness at her mothers attempts to try and bond with her was rude. I also didn't really understand why she cared so much more about having fun with her friends than her own safety.

Although on my second rewatch, I realized that it is very easy to simply Callie down to a reckless teenager who doesn't have much respect for what her parents tell her. I think part of that reason is because when it comes to the adult timeline with Shauna and Callie, most people automatically view the story through Shauna's perspective (this makes sense, since she is basically the main character). I feel what I'm about to say shouldn't be a controversial opinion, but Shauna is NOT a good mother. While a know "not good" is a very non-descriptive and muddled word to be using, I still feel like it fits Shauna's mothering as a blanket statement.

(Going into head canon territory) I like to head canon that Shauna tried her best with being a mother during Callies younger years. When Callie was younger (I assume) that she was much more manageable for Shauna. But when Callie started to grow up and change as a person (as one does) Shauna no longer understood the best ways for how to nurture their mother daughter relationship. I think from Shauna's perspective, the best thing she thought she could do since Callie was becoming older was to try and give Callie more space. But really it came from a place of no longer having the energy/ being able to deal with Callie as she was changing. In a way, Shauna ended up neglecting Callie's emotional needs. From Callie's perspective, her mother just suddenly became distanced. Her own mother was less genuinely interested in Callie's personal interests and life. Almost like it was a punishment for growing up and becoming a teenager. This lead to Callie not feeling comfortable with being open and honest about her emotions and how she's feeling.

(Back to more canon topics) It obvious that Shauna harbors quite a bit of negative feelings against her daughter. A lot of which I'm sure is because of how much Callie reminds Shauna of Jackie (don't have enough time to get into that rn lol). Shauna is also very obviously repressed and not okay. And I am 100% that Callie is smart enough to pick up on her mother's negative feelings about her PLUS it's canon that Callie can see how much Shauna is just suffering on a day to day basis. Shauna doesn't feel like she can open up to her daughter and tell her the truth, so Callie doesn't ever feel like it's okay for her to do the same, even though Shauna is her mother (the cycle of repressing emotions continues). And because of her repression, it leads her to acting out in different ways like, dating older men, doing drugs, going to parties in the city, etc.

In conclusion, Callie Sadecki is not some evil teenager who hates her mom and acts out for no reason. Even though she never experienced the same type of trauma that her mother did, she definitely still went through things with having Shauna as her mother (generational trauma) and how she sees how her own mother doesn't like her. Plus, if I'm being honest, I would probably be very annoying and have tendencies to act rude if I was the teenage daughter of Shauna too.

[pfhwrittes]

riffing off the poll i reblogged re: your blorbos doing top surgery. so these are some vague headcannons on how the members of tf141 would look after a reader post top surgery.

pairings: gaz x reader, soap x reader, simon x reader (romantic), john price & reader (platonic).

warnings: gaz refers to reader as babe and calls the reader handsome.

note: i’ve written this reader to be a trans man but can be read as anyone who wants top surgery. also i am firmly in the camp that you DON’T have to have surgery to be considered transgender or to have your gender respected. fuck knows it’s a hard enough process here in the UK, i can’t imagine my healthcare being stuck behind what is essentially a paywall.

gaz would be a sweetheart. he’d get you drinks and painkillers. he’d move your cushions/pillows around as much as you wanted. he’d pretend not to see when you burst into tears over pain/relief/a weird sense of mourning and fear. he’d even help you to the bathroom and linger outside the door (unlocked, he’d insist on it being unlocked) in case you need help with anything. the man gets your favourite takeaway and doesn’t make a fuss when you only eat a little bit of it because you’re feeling a bit nauseous from the meds you’re on. checks on your drains and dressings and soothes you when you catch sight of the swelling. he reassures you with forehead and cheek kisses when you’re upset and reassures you with a gentle babe you’re so handsome and brave, i can’t wait for you to show off your chest when you’re feeling better.

price would handle it from a more professional perspective (i am not saying reader would be in the military but i am saying that the man deals with paperwork most of the time anyway so he’d handle it for your work). he’s already sent off copies of your medical note from the surgeon, he’s filled in the paperwork to get sick pay. less hands on than gaz (but that’s only because i can’t see price with a trans man in a romantic or sexual way) so he doesn’t overstep but as your friend he’ll bring you food if you ask and painkillers too. checks in with you and sends you book recommendations, music recommendations and the occasional meme (don’t try to tell me he wouldn’t send you memes. that man is a millennial he knows what a fucking meme is) when you’re well enough to complain about being bored.

simon would be kind of a dick about it. listen i don’t make the rules but he would. he’s supportive enough. he’d give you a ride back from the hospital and get you to wherever is the most comfortable but he’s a bit shit at looking after you (the man has no practice outside of emergency medical care). you’d have to text him to get you a drink or painkillers. healthy nutritious food? no. what flavour pot noodle do you want? never mind you’re getting a bombay bad boy because that’s all he’s got in the cupboard. emotionally he’s not great at expressing how he’s feeling about your recovery so he comes across as gruff but that’s mostly because he’s repressing a whole bunch of trauma and fear that things won’t go well. he won’t touch you apart from holding your hand when you ask because he’s worried he’ll mess up your stitches but still it comes across as a bit cold.

soap the darling man is just so fucking excited for you. it’s a bit much actually while you’re still recovering and yeah you end up snapping and it hurts his feelings a little but he’ll try to play it off as not a big deal. he’s just so happy for you (and for himself because he cannot wait to get his hands on you now that you’ll let him because your chest is the way you want it)! super affectionate, peppers you with kisses all over your face. he’s similar to gaz in that he’s all about making you as comfortable as possible and tries to preempt any requests you have (gets you bottles of water and can of irn-bru because that’s what he always wants when he’s feeling under the weather, grabs you as many snacks as you want). unlike gaz he’s enough of a freak to insist on being in the bathroom with you when you need to go, he says it’s to make sure you’re safe but he’s definitely using it as an excuse to touch you as much as possible until you’re fully healed up.

[shizunitis]

old man yells at cloud: shen qingqiu and the fandom

cw: discussions of homophobia, abuse & ableism

this was not supposed to get this long, or this disorganised. there’s also a lot of profanity because i am who i am. i half-apologise. annoyed/-ing yapping continues under the cut. i’ll reward u at the end with something i promise

look. listen. hear me out

i agree that shen “yuan” qingqiu is oblivious and it’s funny to see him panic and scramble for a foothold in the insane world of pidw, but some of you honestly sound like you think he should be drawn and quartered for having trauma.

y’all safely out of the closet, loved, accepted and supported since the womb? is that it? you’ve never hurt someone by believing lies purposely fed to you by “the system”? lies that, when questioned, get you punished or shunned? you’ve never been guilty? you’ve never been scared? you’ve never had to hide a part of yourself to be accepted? you’ve never been frustrated by your loved ones’ insistence that “they know better”?

“mxtx wrote a novel where the internet troll gets his comeuppance for bullying the poor author” cannot coexist with “abuse/pain/unjust punishment cannot give birth to a healthy society”. either you want shen yuan broken and made into something else more palatable to you, or you want him to be free to dote on and protect binghe and heal. it is clear what the story chose to do.

there’s a whole ass novel out here that’s basically screaming “be compassionate! be kind! be vulnerable! accept others as they come! solipsism is a bullshit thought experiment and not some grand theory about the nature of the universe!” and yet you’ve somehow, as if hungry for blood, focused solely on the shortcomings of a lost, inexperienced young man trying to make the best of his situation while being coerced by an omniscient, omnipotent, asshole of a god.

there is no clearer allegory in modern media about the destructive influence of coercion, brainwashing, and thought policing, than the one presented in svsss. and yet! here i fucking am, coffee-less, reading with my own two eyes corpsezun-cold ass takes on the “proper” ways of navigating self-discovery.

i hate having to be the one to tell someone to touch grass, so i’ll just urge you to read something else, something literal and educational about the struggles of queer/disabled/vulnerable people in unkind societies (all of them) and outright hostile ones (most of them). watch documentaries, seek out the elders of your communities, think back on your own unpleasant experiences, speak with people you don’t agree with and approach conversations with curiosity. lurk in fandoms before you post.

this is something you’ve internalised: that a queer person must be pure of mind and spirit to expect compassion. that a vulnerable person you deem weak must not be listened to since clearly, someone else knows better. that someone who makes a mistake/misunderstands something should be shunned, or at the very least berated in spite of having already faced the consequences of their actions.

y’all don’t have to love everyone to be kind to them and understand them. and honestly trying to “punish” a repressed queer man for how he’s choosing to survive in a hostile environment by spouting borderline-cruel bullshit about his thoughts that never leave his brain just tells me that you have done close to no self-assessment and are liable to hurt people by accidentally saying some horrendous shit you don’t even realise is painful to hear.

as you have done, and keep doing, especially when seriously and without a moment of reflection you post non-jokey “haha shen yuan is stupid and oblivious of course that happened. every friend he has trying to assert control over his choices is a just and reparative consequence of his stupid pea-brained attempt to survive. the system was good actually.”

i fucking love making ‘liu qingge was a victim’/‘lmao bingy is horny gripping shizun connect the dots’/‘shizun cannot be trusted outside for more than half an hour’/‘lmao ballad of bingqiu’ jokes because yeah! that happens! you get people who crush on you! people sometimes get infatuated with you! sometimes people get very invested in your life! sometimes people worry and care even if you don’t realise it!and it is somewhat comical in hindsight, a bit endearing, a lot bewildering, but ultimately mundane and entirely human!

until it actually starts affecting you in real ways. until people try to corral your movements because they “can’t trust you to be safe” without listening to you, a grown ass adult who clearly knows something they don’t. until your own mistakes come to bite you in the ass and, when you’ve fucking fixed it, you get berated and judged for it because others’ self-righteousness takes precedence.

good people learn and change and take responsibility for hurting those around them. they allow those who have erred to find a better path forward. they act with compassion and respect for even the most undesirable of their peers.

there are many messages in svsss that you can learn from. while it falls short in some aspects (naturally, by virtue of being written by a high-schooler), it does not fail in presenting a human perspective on fucked-up circumstances and asking you to understand and empathise.

characters are there to hold up a mirror for you. it’s a safe, consequence-free opportunity to look inwards and decide if you’re okay, or if some things might need addressing.

fandom is a playpen and you get to do whatever you want forever to the dolls. but your playmates are real people who, in some cases, are susceptible to your influence, and will be hurt by how you choose to present your commentary. when they leave the sandbox and see the distorted reflection of your arguments come alive in the real world, they will then internalise it, just as you have.

and then i’ll have to read it and it’s, frankly, depressing to see what my Not Homophobic, Very Woke (lie) high-school classmates would say all over again. is that what you want? to be likened to a 15 year-old eastern european boy? really?

obviously i’m not talking about jokes, bits, comedies, haha hehe’s, or fanfic depictions that i may not agree with from a storytelling standpoint.

i’m not the mayor of who-gets-to-talk-ville, but i’ve lived all my life in a deeply homophobic, racist, ableist and economically fucked country of former soviet influence and it just, like, annoys me to see the same sentiments in these kinds of spaces coming from inexperienced/young people who just don’t realise the impact of their own ignorance. i hope i’ve made this clear even if i sound like a finger-wagging dirty-mouthed grandpa yelling at the kids on my lawn.

fuck i’m so tired

anyway. here’s the reward:

ah… that makes me feel so much better. <3

[isdalinarhot]

im planning to go on t soon, and i wanted to know if theres anything you would tell someone about to go on? unexpected side effects, cool things that happened, general timeframe, etc? its cool if no

-orgasms change day 1 brother. like that’s the first real change is that all of a sudden you cum different. and your sex drive goes up immediately too if you’re someone who isn’t ace in the way where you don’t have a libido either. Not a distracting amount but you sure do go man pop culture sure was right about the general horniness of teenage boys

-bottom growth won’t be noticeable until like 3-4 months in, but it’ll start hurting within like a week. Just power through it and wear your most comfy undies. Now that I’m. Jesus 7 months on T? I get less growing pains in that regard but in the beginning it’s mildly uncomfortable but also kinda cool

-if you have penetrative vaginal sex get lube asap because while you still do get somewhat wet, it won’t be nearly as much as you did pre T. Better safe than sorry.

-YOU WILL SWEAT SO MUCH. like i don’t think anyone prepared me for how sweaty i was gonna be always. A neutral thing but yeah

-the second big thing I noticed was I was better at lifting heavy objects about a month in. Like I am a wimp weakling who doesn’t work out so I don’t have dramatic increases in strength but I used to fight for my life to carry a bag of groceries and a gallon of milk in from a grocery run and now it’s no problem. It used to take me 2 arms to carry my 2 liters of vodka home from the liquor store and I’d be dying by the time I got home but now I can hoist it under one arm no problem and don’t start getting sore until I’ve been walking for like half a mile. It’s super cool!

-you will smell worse like objectively due to boysmell being stronger than girlsmell and also all the sweat so I recommend showering about twice as often as you did pre T. So like if you only needed to shower once every 2 days now do it daily, if you needed a shower once a day do it twice. Don’t wash your hair more than usual though!

-some people get hungrier on T, I personally didn’t. Keep some beef jerky (or some mixed nuts if you don’t eat meat) on hand just in case because T hunger is very much a Protien Hunger (or so I’ve heard).

-my voice started changing about 5 and a half months in, and it’s gonna be pretty easy to deal with when talking, but singing will be kind of a landmine while you try to navigate your new range. I’ll let you know when that evens out 🥲

-body hair is more of a genetic thing, and is different for everyone. My friend got the beginnings of a mustache 2 months on T, I have 0 facial hair but darker hair on my forearms and belly 7 months in. Be patient.

-like, the day before you start T it is in your vested interest to take a neutral nude both of your general body and of your junk just so that when you’re like “am I going crazy or has my fat redistributed/has my bottom growth been noticeable” you don’t have to fight for your life to dig through ancient nudes/hole pics for some measure of comparison. Speaking based on personal regret here

-you may not have the Ideal Body Type you daydreamed of having as a repressed teen at the swimming pool, because this shit is unpredictable, but you will definitely have a body that feels more like home

-your skin will get rougher and that might be sensory hell if you have sensitive skin BUT it lets you open jars and bottle caps easier. Enjoy your new superpower (guy they hand their drink to so you can open it)

-mood wise you won’t become an aggro monster, but you will have PMS style irritation easier. If you take antidepressants those work wonders on managing that, so DONT SKIP YOUR MEDS if you take them (you already shouldn’t, but now you have extra incentive!)

-be aware that if you drink (and possibly with other drugs too, but I don’t do any of those regularly), your tolerance will likely go up a little. Make informed choices on how you go forward with this — the health teacher approved choice is that you just resign yourself to being a little less drunk now, but I’d be the worlds biggest hypocrite if I recommended that with a straight face.

-you’ll cry less, but you won’t feel less sad — it’s more like not crying as much or getting ~emotional~ about stupid stuff. I still tear up during climactic emotionally moving moments during books and movies, just not when sharks are eating the POV crab in a nature documentary

-the first rule of transsexuality is be yourself and have fun — there’s no shame in realizing that it isn’t for you after giving it a shot, but if you never try you’ll live your whole life wondering. Most changes that happen within the first month or two are reversible, so you have some grace period for figuring yourself out

Very excited for you! Good luck and congrats!

[punch-love]

I actually find it funny that you like writing wade soo much more than writing Peter because your wade is just soooo incredible. And I think it’s because a lot less people can write a character or the characteristics of someone like wade. Like it’s a pretty rare attribute compared to writing Peter. Peter’s characteristics is just easier to write in general I feel (idk unless u think I’m wrong feel free to correct me?) and it’s funny that the harder character to write is the one you find much easier and much more fun lol

Wade is by far the easiest and most enjoyable character I've ever written for, and it does delight me to no end whenever people think my work with him is good.

I think the thing about Wade is that you have to be willing to go there, and also accept that he's not a good person and that everything he does is a reflection of that. Wade is genuinely morally fucked, and you have to embrace that wholeheartedly. I never have to think when I'm writing Wade, I just write. There's very little brain to mouth traction happening to him -- he is a very intelligent character -- but he also lacks shame and fear, and that means you rarely have to think twice when it comes to what he's doing and why. There's a delightful selfishness that seeps in every aspect of what he's doing and how he's doing it. Also, he thinks all of his actions are justifiable and anyone that stops/limits him/critiques him is wrong and/or he's ignoring it regardless. Also, he's an extrovert.

I think of the two of them, I do relate with Wade more. I am extroverted and do cope with trauma through humor and so I think I use him as my voice-box to be funny. I can't actually live life as violently as him, but he's a really fun outlet regardless. His vulnerability that exists effortlessly alongside authenticity is something I really, really love. I like that he's a bad person who does good things, but not at the expense of losing the parts of him that are terrible.

That being said, PETER IS SO HARD TO WRITE. I think the reason so many people find him easy is because they don't actually understand his character/only see him as a foil and/or bottom for Wade! I've actually talked about this with some of my writer friends about how, technically, anyone CAN write Wade (with varying degrees of success) because everyone generally has some agreed upon aspects of his character but so few people understand Peter that he's almost always OOC or badly written in a lot of fan works. I very rarely read a good Peter, because most people do not write Peter they write twink with a Job, or Man who bottoms, or Nerd with little to no personality.

Peter, unlike Wade is always in a state of contraction. He doesn't believe in killing, but he's always repressing violence, he's a good guy at heart but a total asshole in every other regard, he's a wisecracker who isn't actually funny, he's a traumatized man who refuses to acknowledge that trauma, he's in 10000 levels of self-denial that he doesn't actually know what he's thinking or feeling 90% of the time. Peter doesn't know himself, and doesn't want to, so writing him is a constant layer of trying to tell the truth through the perspective of someone who doesn't want to even be in his own brain and lies to himself constantly. Peter is a puzzle that you have to solve blind and backwards. Wade is whatever you think he is, and then you crank it 9 more levels for the fun of it.

All that to say, I love the compliment and while I do disagree with you on who's the harder to WRITE (at least for me, and in my biased opinion, the majority of the fandom) I do think that I write Wade in a way that embraces all of his violence and amorality and complication without trying to justify or romanticize him, and it's always flattering when someone says. "That asshole! I like what you've done with the place." I do too. Writing him is truly its own reward.

[dogydayz]

I think one of my favorite parts of the "autistic Shadow" headcanon is the fact that he's designed to be the Ultimate Lifeform. I don't mean this in an annoying, "autism is a superpower" dumb way (even if I do find my own autism to actually be quite helpful at times, the whole concept of calling it that is stupid and used to hurt people like us), I mean it in a "Shadow was genetically engineered to be an Ultimate Lifeform, he's designed to survive and be able to do things no one else can, yet he still struggles with something that could be classified as a disability in his daily life." I dont know if im wording it properly, but there's something about how he's still viewed as that Ultimate Lifeform despite dealing with something that many people would immediately label as a trait that makes someone "inherently" less capable of survival. I know that many folks struggle with autism in way more severe ways than I may (though much of me saying this is kinda me repressing and refusing to acknowledge that it IS still a disability for me, but still, i recognize others DO deal with more severe aspects than I do), however I really just dislike how autistic characters get labeled as inherently "unable" to live "right". He's a character whose whole thing is that he makes his own path for himself, he fights even if the world hates him, he doesn't back down and even when it looks like he is, he's just playing it smart. Even if he does have these struggles, he IS able to find a life for himself, he isn't held down by expectations or what people tell him he is. In fact, that's ANOTHER whole part of him as a character, that he breaks free from what others say he should be. Even if he were confirmed to be autistic, he wouldn't be "the autistic character". He'd still be himself, he'd be Shadow, they'd be confirming that he has certain struggles, but he'd still be /himself/.

His story wouldn't change, he wouldn't be bound by the chains of what people think an autistic character in media should look like, he wouldn't be "the character who's autistic" (as if they aren't all already autistic, but that's a whole different topic lol), he'd just be Shadow, and Shadow would just happen to be autistic.

Again, I may be wording this wrong and if i am PLEASE forgive me, I'm trying so hard to put my thoughts into words,,,

I think this is coming a bit from a place of me seeing Prime Sonic and thinking to myself "holy fucking shit he's got ADHD but it's not shown as all of him". Of course they havent truly confirmed Sonic to be ADHD but like, i think they probably did do it purposefully here, but maybe that's just me? I just see him do stuff and think "wow yeah, I've done that before! And I do it because i have ADHD! and he has some of my struggles!! But his friends still love him even if they're annoyed by him at times, and he still isn't a bad person even if he did fuck up! Any they handle it with nuance that real people experience in life!!"

And that's how I'd see autistic Shadow being handled. He already has a lotta the traits, but they don't confirm it being based on things like sensory overload or whatever, despite the fact that they really could. And even if they did, he'd be handled just as if it were another trait. It wouldn't be some defining attribute to him, him being autistic wouldn't be some selling point, there wouldn't be any "look! There's now an autistic character in this media!!".

But back to the main point.... Basically, him being autistic doesn't make him any less of the Ultimate Lifeform, and I think that's about the most extreme way to get across the point of "being autistic doesn't make you any less of a person or any less important". He was GENETICALLY ENGINEERED. Yet he still is autistic and it was decided "yep we succeeded in creating the Ultimate Lifeform!", so much so that the military wanted to use him as a WEAPON. Nothing about his potential disability made him any less of a success, or any less of a protector to Maria, or any less of a wonderful creation to Gerald, or any less of anything else to anyone he knows.

Something about that is just... a really nice idea to me. Maybe not for everyone, but to me that's inspiring as fuck, and reassuring to, to think about...

[silvexus]

Re: Sometimes feeling species dysphoria as someone who doesn't ID as non-human - would you be willing to expand on that? It's okay if not - I don't want to pry - but I've never heard of someone having that experience before and think it might be valuable to the overall conversation.

That said the comparison to cis folks sometimes experiencing gender dysphoria makes intuitive sense to me, too.

Sure! I'll try my best to figure out how to articulate this in a way that makes sense and is also respectful (as someone who doesn't ID as non-human, I obviously do not want to appropriate experiences!) but I do fear it may not be as interesting as it sounds.

This got really long, so I'm putting in a read more, oops!

For clarification, I experience psychosis (since childhood) and have neurological disorders. I think the combination of these things is what causes what I'm about to try to describe, though I would certainly not try to say that the only thing that can cause species dysphoria is this sort of experience, nor would that would make someone's experience any less valid if they chose to ID as non-human if they were in a similar situation. Everyone is different, after all!

Primarily, this thing I equate to species dysphoria manifests as two different things that I tend to describe as non-human body language and non-organic yearning.

Non-human body language isn't as encompassing as I'd like it to be, but it's hard to articulate. My limbs don't feel right sometimes; disproportionate to each other, maybe. My spine feels wrong; too short, maybe? That could be the scoliosis causing both of these things, but it happens in my arms sometimes too. I don't know what it wants to be, however. There's ways my body wants to move to convey ideas to others than I can't emulate properly. My vocal mimicry is good, but not good enough, though I wouldn't really tell you what calls I'm supposed to make. I do trill a lot, when I can.

My teeth aren't quite sharp enough, I know that. And would a tail help? Would upright, pointy ears? A crest of feathers? I wouldn't mind a crest, I think, but then the moment passes and what I have is... acceptable. Fine. I am here, in this place, and my nerves are made of fire.

In a more permanent fashion, I bunt people to show my affection, but even when I physically can't it is a constant urge. (I nearly broke poor @/sattarehi asking if I could bunt him.) It's easier to move on all fours sometimes, or just in ways that are unintuitive to a human blueprint. To curl around people while we're sitting on the edge of a bed, them sitting up, me on my side to encircle them, in a way I don't see others doing often. The way I hold my arms sometimes feels like the resting position of something else; holding them at my sides like a person is expected to feels wrong, like it'll impede my ability to flee if I need to. (From what? Is that the paranoia? The hypervigilance? The nerves again? The various and sundry neurodivergencies?) When I'm socially allowed to cross my arms it helps, but it's not quite perfect.

Sometimes, the fact that I cannot do these things more effectively (though my brain does not grant me the knowledge of what that would look like), that I am considered eccentric and strange for doing them at all, pulls at something in me that doesn't speak in any language I have access to.

As an aside that may only slightly be relevant, my social integration is interesting. People who are friends or close associates or even people I think of fondly become extensions of us in a way that isn't so much possessive, but in the same way a tight knit family group might be among certain animals. (Which is why when people ask 'do you experience romantic love?' I can't honestly say. This is already quite intense, you want me to try and define it further?) And that's to say nothing of the prey drive. The human prey drive is intense enough, and I can certainly repress it well (I can't believe PvP games were good for something) but mine feels a little overtuned.

... So the non-organic yearning is fun to try and figure out, but it provokes the same feelings, so I'll try to articulate it just in case it helps!

It feels like I am made of something deeper. Something farther. Here, there, everywhere. I feel like I am floating adrift in a dark sea, unable to drown or sink, though surely I must. Surely I must. And yet.

It isn't an invincibility. It isn't a belief in a higher power or an afterlife. For the sake of my health, I cannot believe in these things. (We shan't talk about my childhood delusions, but they were quite elaborate! You could tell I was into world religions as study subject as a child.)

But sometimes I look into the sky and feel it staring back, like I am stuck in a Polaroid that an old friend keeps looking at to remember me. I look at pictures from all of our instruments that turn into the infinite dark beyond our planet and my brain thinks I want to go home the same way I do when I see my hometown on a map. I am not from here, something in me insists. I am from nowhere, but I am certainly not from here. Is that the intergenerational trauma? The thing that infects you and fills in where your grandparents' language and food and culture is supposed to be? The remains of what a war before you were born left behind? Or is it something else?

It feels like something else, the same way sometimes my body feels wrong in the same, but different, way that it always feels wrong. It feels like whatever I am, separate from this meat suit and these mutinous neurotransmitters, is from somewhere else. That it knows this. That it wants to go back.

Not all of my body dysmorphia is neatly gender dysphoria. Species dysphoria, as a term, helps gather these experiences up neatly, even if I don't identify as non-human. I am human. I am a strange, eccentric human, even if I feel like Something Else Wearing A Human Skin, but ultimately human regardless. Despite that, almost. Maybe, in a strange, contradictory way, I'm both. Human is what I want to be, at the end of this day. But regardless, it does help me understand things a bit more than someone who doesn't have the same experiences, I think. And maybe this will change in the future as my understanding of myself grows! I'm a whole adult, but I'm growing every day, you know?

(You know that book, Casual Rex? And they made it into a show pilot/TV movie called Anonymous Rex? And it was about dinosaurs barely surviving their extinction and pretending to be human and they wore disguises to blend in? There's a scene where a character describes another character as "she's a human pretending to be a dinosaur pretending to be a human!" Life feels like that sometimes.)

[distort-opia]

I'd like some director's commentary on-- shocker!-- my favorite angst, "this knife, like silence." A couple questions:

1) "He just steps off, removes himself from the narrative, and when you awake you can’t remember what you yell at him. What things you tell him to try and get him to stay."

Just curious if this is always how it went, or if you played with Bruce remembering what he yelled and what it was.

2) Just any further thoughts on Selina, really. I just keep thinking that Bruce does love her, and that's why he married her, and it'd be awful if maybe deep down the reason he did is because he thought it would bring Joker out of the woodwork! But then at the end of the story, Bruce ends up doing the same thing to his family that Joker did to him, and Selina is so painfully aware of how much Bruce feels Joker's absence that it's probably already occurred to her. Just imagining her deciding settling down with Bruce is worth the loss of freedom, and in return… 🙃 We've talked about a companion story from Joker's POV, but hers would be something too.

Always happy to hear that fic breaks hearts as intended, thank you for the ask!

1) I'm pretty sure I wrote it like that from the start. The thought process behind it was a bit similar to the one behind "friend, please" actually... in the sense that in an extreme situation, Bruce would choke on his repression. He'd desperately want to say the right thing, but he's never been good at expressing his emotions, he's always had issues with directly expressing his desires (hell that's why it took me 90k words and mental torture in REMS for him to even approach actual communication of emotions). So in a way, that line is about him abstractly dreaming that he managed to yell something out to begin with, but he doesn't remember what it was because he doesn't know what it was. Because he still doesn't have the words for what his feelings for Joker are... especially in a world where Joker's gone.

2) Oh Bruce definitely does love Selina; he didn't marry her because he thought it might get Joker to intervene, though the thought was definitely there. Selina has always made him feel less alone, but in a different way than Joker does. Joker and Bruce are similar in a two-sides-of-the-same-coin way, Bruce and Selina are similar in a Venn-diagrams-overlapping way. And he loves the understanding and the kindred spirit he has in her, and married her because of the peace that brings him... and well, partly because he thinks that it's The Thing To Do. He can be happy and have a family and be the man his parents would've wanted him to be. On Selina's part, I think that yeah, she's definitely acutely aware of Bruce's complicated feelings about Joker, but she feels the same way about Bruce, and perhaps hopes that it'll go away. That with time, Bruce will forget about Joker, and the part of him that's never present will slowly come back and be with her fully. Obviously, that's not the case, and Bruce does disappear. I see Selina reacting in a similar way as in Batman/Catwoman (2021), though perhaps a lot more bitterly and in grief... "They live together, they leave together." And damn, a companion piece from Selina's POV would be heartbreaking in a whole different way, though the Joker POV companion piece-- I am promising the second born for that one, since the first one is saved up for the roadtrip fic :))

fanfic writer ask game - director's commentary

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hi sex witch, i realise that this is not an actual sex ed related question and I hope this isn't overstepping any bounds.

I'm sort of in a weird spot right now a la my sexuality and am trying to figure out if I actually want a relationship and if what I feel is romantic attraction or Friendship levelled up. I've known for a long time that I'm Demisexual or Ace, and I thought I knew that I still felt romantic attraction but now I'm less sure.

How did you come to realise that you were aromantic? In that discovery did you ever wonder if it was a sort of 'mental block' or something similar that would be better off working through? (I ask because I'm sort of stuck in that state of mind right now, and I'm just curious to see if it's a common experience or not)

I realise that this is a fairly sensitive topic, and I really don't mean offense by asking.

I also realise that no two people's experiences will be the same but I was interested in hearing about it from another person's perspective.

I hope you have a great day whether or not you give this ask the time of day.

I've asked you other things in the past and it's always been brilliantly helpful. Thanks a lot for everything you do.

hi anon,

no worries about overstepping boundaries :) this is a pretty reasonable thing to ask of someone, and I'm happy to talk about it!

there's a funny story that I tell about the moment I probably should have known, but didn't yet have the language. in sixth grade my class had an assignment that involved making a collage timeline of the rest of our lives (a proto-vision board of sorts) and I think I was the only kid in the class who didn't put getting married on my timeline. everyone else did, as far as I can remember, and most of them also included having kids. being a pedantic little fuck I pointed out to several of my friends that it was really unreasonable to assume they would find someone they liked enough to marry who liked them back, to which everyone told me (paraphrasing) to shut the fuck up and stop being a little bastard.

but it still seemed very strange to me, because even when I was very young - back when I barely had the language to conceptualize being gay, let alone aromantic - I never imagined my life with a romantic partner. romantic pairings were interesting in stories, sure, I ate that shit up from a very young age! the star-crossed lovers shit going on in American Dragon: Jake Long did a number on my developing brain, and my Barbies and Littlest Pet Shops got up to INSANE relationship drama, but for myself it never really felt, like, relevant? not unpleasant, just uninteresting.

but I still had crushes on people as I grew up, and more importantly I had crushes on people of various genders, so during my teen years I was WAY more preoccupied with repressing my burgeoning bisexuality than drawing any conclusions about my romantic orientation

spoilers: the bisexuality won.

in college I had a friend who identified as asexual at the time, who spent maybe a year trying to convince me that I was aromantic. and I didn't want to hear it! I don't know why, honestly; maybe some part of me, despite loving the community I had found coming into my queerness, was still subconsciously afraid of being too different and grappling with the consequences.

so instead I did this uuuuh real dirtbag thing where instead of just acknowledging to myself that I was pretty fundamentally uninterested in romantic relationships and that that's fine, I spent the first half of college leaning hard on self-deprecation to explain my single status. oh, me? why aren't I dating? well, I'd probably be a really bad partner. yeah, I suck. I mean, I'm so busy all the time! and I'm weird.

(at the time I know I definitely had friends who assumed I was Like That because my parents were divorced, which is hilarious old-fashioned and also categorically untrue. I was Like This way before my parents got divorced!)

it actually took a relationship ending pretty badly to make peace with the idea that maybe I didn't want a relationship at all. I won't get into the details on that, because it involves another person and we were both very young and accidentally hurt each other a lot in ways we didn't mean and I don't think anyone was the villain, but I don't want it to come across like I had one bad breakup and then swore off romance, a thing I'd previously been interested in, forever. it was more like I found myself in a really heightened situation - they really desperately needed a good and attentive romantic partner after getting out of a bad relationship, I wanted our friendship to stay exactly the same but with a sexual component - that made very, very obvious what I was actually looking for in non-platonic relationships. which was, I guess, actually pretty platonic relationships, but with genitals involved.

haha just kidding, I actually didn't get that part through my skull until I spent an entire summer crying constantly, dissociating frequently, and spending way too much time on BAD dates having even worse sex that made me feel gross! but we got there eventually.

that part probably isn't super relatable to you if you're somewhere in the ace realm, sorry about that.

anyway, once the dust settled and I felt halfway human again I was feeling vulnerable and open to change - finally willing to see myself in a new way and reckon with parts of myself that I hadn't been before. I remembered what my buddy had always said about me seeming Really Aromantic, and I let it settle on me. how would I feel, if I actually was aromantic? how would it change my life, how I thought about myself?

and if I can use a cliche with you? it felt like a weight rolling off my shoulders. I suddenly had a whole sturdy base to build a better understanding of myself on, an easy way to justify the way I lived that didn't require throwing myself under a bus.

thinking of myself through the lens of aromanticism felt like a huge, HUGE relief, and frankly I think that, more than anything, is the best way for anyone to decide if they should be applying any identity label to themselves. which brings us back to you! I actually don't believe in the model of sexuality and gender that posits a secret innate Right Answer buried in each person that they'll discover if the just find the right terminology. all of the words we use are the result of our time and place, right? people like us existed all through history with different words for themselves, and they'll exist way after us calling themselves things we can't imagine.

so basically: I came to realize I was aromantic because calling myself aromantic felt like loving myself, and if that's the case for you than I strongly recommend you do it, too.

happy pride xoxo

[bridgyrose]

Days had passed since her friends had arrived and Penny was still no closer to finding out what Ironwood had wanted with them or why he wanted to keep everything quiet. Walking to his office to try to listen in only managed to get her pulled away to take care of some grimm, any attempt to talk to Yang or Blake was met with empty promises to tell her what was going on, and Ruby… seeing the way that Ruby was used as a weapon to clear out grimm from the mines reminded her of how the General had used her before Beacon fell, only to nearly toss her away when she couldnt live up to what she had been built for. 

Penny sighed as she stood up and started to make her rounds around Mantle with Weiss, taking to the streets to look for any grimm that made it through the wall. 

“Everything alright, Penny?” Weiss asked. “You seem… distracted.” 

“I… I am worried about Ruby,” Penny answered. “We hardly get to see her and I want to make sure she is safe. That she is not becoming like how I was.” 

“A machine?” 

“A weapon. A tool. Something for the General to use and to put away when he is done. I do not want her to go through the same thing I did.” 

“I worry about her too, but there’s nothing we can do. If the General needs her, then it has to be important, right? And the next time we see her we’ll help her get her memories back.” 

“If we get to talk to her,” Penny thought to herself. It was going to be unlikely that they were ever going to be able to talk to her again, and even if they did, there was no guarantee they’d be able to undo anything that was done to repress Ruby’s memories. Dying wasnt easy, and coming to terms with that death takes time. And time felt like it was running out. Beacon falling, Atlas cutting off all trade and putting up a blockade to keep people from coming and going, her friends suddenly showing up… something was coming and she needed to know what. “Have you been able to talk to our friends?” she asked. “I know that you have missed them dearly.” 

“Only a little,” Weiss admitted. “They’ve been kept busy so I havent been able to see Blake and Yang much. And Jaune… he’s worried about Ruby too, but he has other things on his mind.” 

“Have they told you what they’re here for?” 

Weiss shook her head. “Not really, only that it was important and that they were told not to bring us into it. Though, they wouldnt say why.” 

Penny nodded and sighed. “Maybe we will find out more.” 

“I hope so. It feels strange to be this close to my friends and be so far away from them.” 

Penny nodded and stopped in her step as her scroll picked up the alert of grimm entering into Mantle. She looked out in the direction the alert had told her the grimm was, frowning. “That cant be right, it seems like its almost near the crater.” 

“Maybe its a flying grimm?” Weiss suggested.

“Maybe, but we would have gotten an alert sooner if it flew over us.” 

“Unless the alert system was tampered with.” 

“I’ll meet you out there,” Penny said as she took to the air. She took a breath to try to calm herself as she flew over Mantle and scanned for any grimm as she made her way to the crater. There were no signs of grimm having run from one of the holes in the wall towards the crater, and if it was a flying grimm, then it should’ve been sighted earlier or at least taken care of by the airships that patrolled the air. 

As she made it closer to the crater, she spotted a lone sabyr near the crater, though it seemed different from other grimm. Less stable, an ichor dripping from it that led to a nearby crack in the street. It was almost as if the grimm had just suddenly appeared on its own. Still, she started to charge her laser to blast it.

“Fiona, block it from running away! May, get the civilians away until we know if there’s more here. Joanna, you know what to do!” 

Penny paused and lowered her hand as she watched a group of huntresses take care of the grimm with ease. Once the grimm was taken care of, she lowered herself to the ground, eyes still watching the huntresses as she scanned them to find their identities. 

“About time Ironwood’s toy shows up,” the leader of the huntresses, who she recognized as Robyn, said without looking at Penny. “I take it he’s finally going to deal with the grimm showing up.” 

“I am not sure I understand what you mean,” Penny said as she walked over. “This is the first time I have gotten a warning about any grimm this close to the crater.” 

Robyn turned around and offered a hand to Penny. “Then what are you here for?” 

Penny reached out to take Robyn’s hand for a moment, pulling back, and then taking her hand. “I had gotten an alert for a grimm out here.” She paused when she saw the aura around her hand turn green. “My partner and I are supposed to keep Mantle safe, but seeing a grimm out here without any other alerts sounded off.” 

Robyn pulled her hand away and motioned for Penny to follow. “Then maybe the two of you can help us out.” 

“Help out?” 

“Grimm like that one have been popping up around the crater without warning. We thought they were coming through the wall and tearing through the soldiers left to keep the grimm out, but after today, we dont think that’s the case anymore.” 

Penny followed Robyn, almost curious about what Robyn had meant. “I still do not think I understand. Grimm do not just appear out of nowhere.” 

“These have. We actually watched one crawl up through a crack in the ground.” 

“Why have you not told General Ironwood about this?” 

“We’ll tell him whenever it is he finally opens up about why supplies for the wall are being moved towards Amity Arena out in the tundra.” 

“He… he said he was going to take care of the wall,” Penny said quietly. “I was just supposed to protect Mantle until then.” 

Robyn shrugged. “Guess he keeps some things closer to his chest than I thought. In the meantime, I’ll need you to help out around here. And maybe you can help us find out more about what Ironwood is doing.” 

“I… I will need to think about it.” 

“You know where to find me.” 

Penny nodded and started to make her way to Weiss. Grimm appearing out of cracks in the streets, repair supplies getting pushed to Amity instead of the wall, none of it made any sense. Much less that the General would allow for anything like this. 

“There you are!” Weiss called out as she ran over to Penny. “Sorry I’m late. A few grimm appeared without an alert and I had to stop them. You’ll never guess how they appeared though.” 

“Through the cracks in the ground,” Penny said more than asked. 

“Y-yeah, how… how did you know?” 

“You are not the first to notice. Robyn said the same thing.” 

“Robyn… Robyn Hill? You actually spoke to her?” 

Penny nodded. “She seems to trust me and is hoping that I can work with her to find out what the General is doing.” 

“He’s trying to keep Mantle safe, isnt he?” 

“Robyn said he is moving supplies from the wall to the tundra to help with Amity.” 

“But the wall… we were only supposed to protect Mantle until he could get that repaired.” 

“That is what Robyn wants us to find out.” 

“Then we should do it!” 

Penny paused for a moment, almost thinking everything over. She trusted Weiss and her judgment, but she also trusted the General. Still, if Robyn was right, then they had to do something to help keep Mantle safe. “Alright, but if we do, then we cannot tell Ironwood that we are working with her.” 

Weiss smiled. “That wont be a problem.” 

[somekindofsentience]

Omori and its parallels with OCD, or my personal connection to this game

SPOILER WARNING: AS USUAL, MAJOR OMORI SPOILERS FOR MOST ENDINGS AND THINGS.

CONTENT WARNING: MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM, SUICIDE, SEVERE MENTAL ILLNESS, DEATH, LOSS AND OMORI-TYPICAL CONTENT. I will also be referring to my own intrusive thoughts a lot, so please take caution if it might trigger you to spiral.

DISCLAIMER: I AM BY NO MEANS A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL. I am in the process of seeking a diagnosis (we're getting there :) ), but it has been otherwise confirmed by professionals that I experience OCD. This post is about my personal experience with OCD and trauma, and the way I believe these feeling manifest in the game. I don't believe Sunny or Basil experience OCD, but I want to compare my experiences with obsession, compulsions and trauma-related OCD. Other people may have completely different experiences, and those are valid!

You could call this catharsis, some form of healing. Really I'm doing this for myself, which was kind of why I started writing Omori analysis in the first place (???). and im a nerd for this game

Guilt

Guilt has always been one of my biggest hurdles, and it's also a very relevant theme in Omori.

For the longest time, my brain and I have been actively trying to develop compulsions to cope with guilt, and it seems to consistently fail. I've tried singing songs on repeat, extreme self-harm, distraction, avoidance ect, and nothing seems to work. Sure, I've never committed recital day, but even small things can make me feel horrifically guilty, as my intrusive thoughts tell me I'm a horrible person or a liar.

I see this in Sunny, too. For the longest time, his mind has been trying to cope with the guilt, and it chose to delve deep into repression. But no matter how much he represses, the truth is still there, and so that guilt is still there.

The Fear Polaroids in the Omori Route are also a representation of guilt, as is the mirror during the Truth segment, both depicting Sunny has a hideous demon. My intrusive thoughts depict me as a demon, too, doing horrific things to myself and others. The images of mutilated, demonic Sunny capture the... inhumanity that my mind makes me feel.

I get it, Sunny. I don't feel human either.

Mewo's Death as an Intrusive Thought

Cat Dissection is an interesting area of Black Space, in that its immediate relevance to the truth is less obvious. It's also one of the more horrifying ones - on my first playthrough, I was running blind, and I figured you'd have to kill Mewo for the key. You do not. my biggest regret

Mewo is obviously linked to Mari, but at the time, we'd only ever seen this slightly mentioned in the real world photo album. At that point in Black Space, Mewo was closely tied to Sunny and Omori, being an essential part of White Space.

The player can stab themselves to get out, or cut open Mewo and suffer the regret. This room feels very reminiscent of a gruesome intrusive thought that just won't go away, those days where you see yourself murdering all your friends, or violently injuring yourself. Much of Sunny's hallucinations, or creatures like Something, also mimic this kind of thing.

That room has far deeper analysis to dive into, but this is as far as I'll go for this segment.

Compulsive Behaviour - Repetition

Basil is probably the first character that comes to mind when I think of compulsive behaviour. His most iconic line...

This sort of repetitive action is the root of a compulsion - an attempt to relieve anxiety. Whether or not Basil fits the criteria of needing repeat those words otherwise something bad might happen is unknown, but this sort of behaviour is very relatable in my experience.

I have a tendency to not be consciously aware, but others notice that I'll mumble things to myself. Typically this is me trying to talk back to my intrusive thoughts, as far as I know, and trying to confirm to myself that they're wrong. This will often end in asking someone else or doing research to confirm.

By repeating these things, Basil is trying to ward off the reality, which is that everything isn't okay at all, and likely won't be. But the specific framing is future-oriented - he isn't saying that things are okay right now, he's saying that they will be. This could link to my later point about uncertainty.

Avoidance

Not many people talk about avoidance behaviours as a compulsion, which is probably why much of my OCD went unnoticed as a child. You don't really consider mental compulsions, and avoidance can be very easily hidden, especially if you the ability to force yourself through something if you have no other options.

While it's not exactly the same, Sunny's repression of rooms in his house and the shaking head that prevents you from going to particular areas are forms of avoidance. The sliding glass door that leads to the backyard and the piano room are the most notable - it's not repressed, it's there, but Sunny shakes his head every time you interact with it. He can't go in there. He just can't. There's no explanation for the player.

I relate to that. I have strange rules that mean I can't do things. I just can't. There's no real explanation for myself, either, and sometimes I don't even get intrusive thoughts of the consequences, just some insistence that I can't do it. Perhaps this was confusing or frustrating for the player, but I found it incredibly realistic.

Uncertainty and Abandonment Issues

I've heard somewhere that OCD is, ultimately, a fear of uncertainty. As a result of this disorder, combined with trauma, I also have abandonment issues the way Basil does.

Even before the recital day, Basil's abandonment issues are prevalent. He clings to the group with the photo album, preserving his memories. He took photos of the things he didn't want to lose. After the recital day, Basil really did lose everything, and he was broken as a result of that.

I imagine this sort of thing was one of his regular worries, everyone abandoning him, Sunny in particular. And I can relate to that - one of my more common intrusive thoughts is others leaving me after they find out I've done something horrible. It makes you want to shut off from relationships, just to be safe - what if everyone leaves?

I think that 'what if' is what made Basil so attached to Sunny in the present day of the game. He wants to save Sunny, he wants to make things back to the way they were before, but at the same time, there's this uncertainty - Sunny is moving? Sunny is leaving? What will happen? What if everything gets worse?

This wasn't the easiest to write, but thank you for reading.

[cosmicjoke]

okay cosmic. i am back again for another analysis from you. we have talked a bit about megumi fushiguro but not in depth and as you know he’s my favorite jjk character. so i was just wondering your in depth thoughts/analysis on him. lots of people call him “boring” and “useless” which i disagree and i always love reading what you have to say about characters even if it isn’t the same as me(which it almost always is tbf). anyway it’s ok if you don’t have anything to say about him just would love to hear your thoughts if you do 🩵

It's funny, because Megumi was initially my favorite character on JJK too, before it became Gojo, and Megumi still remains my second favorite, so we have essentially the same characters in our top two spots, haha.

Overall, I never enjoyed JJK the same way I do say Attack on Titan, so I've never put as much thought into it. I only read it once through, and I admit that the fatigue of getting through so many battles, with so many pages of exposition explaining how some characters cursed technique works, made me pay less attention, so I've forgotten a LOT of the details of the story, including character names, etc.... I would have to re-read it I think to really develop a better understanding of it and its characters. So I'm afraid I won't be able to offer a great deal of insight or really thoughtful analysis the way I try to with AoT and its characters. But I'll try my best here.

I have no idea why anyone would call Megumi useless or boring. Maybe because Sukana was able to bring out the full potential of the Ten Shadows technique, and people think by comparison, Megumi is a failure. But it's an absurd comparison to begin with. Sukana is literally ancient and has been around forever, while Megumi is, what, 15 or 16 years old? He's just a kid who hasn't had any kind of chance yet to develop or reach his full potential. And even still, calling him useless is a purposefully false accusation. He's been integral in numerous battles and conflicts in JJK, essential in his friends ability to walk away with their lives.

As for calling him boring, again, I don't know why anyone would say that about him. Maybe because he generally tends not to show a great deal of emotion? But then, you and I both know how stupid it is to assume a character doesn't feel anything just because they don't engage in dramatic displays of emotion. I think it's obvious that Megumi is dealing with a lot of repressed trauma, both from the abandonment by his father, and the situation with his sister. That, on top of the horrors he and the other jujutsu students have to face daily, and I think it's just made him a very guarded person. But the devotion he feels toward his sister betrays what a caring person he really is. He never abandoned her, even when she fell into a coma. He would always make time to visit her, and did everything in his power to protect her. So while Megumi affects an attitude of detachment, I think it's pretty obvious how much he actually cares about everyone around him. Like when he first meets Itadori, he acts like he can't stand him and doesn't care what happens to him, but it's Megumi who first requests Gojo's help with Yuuji, and we see over and over again how much he actually cares for him, and all his friends, and how deeply it impacts him whenever any of them gets hurt or dies.

I actually think Megumi is probably going to be essential in some way to defeating Sukana. I haven't been reading these last, several chapters, but I've been keeping up with spoilers, and that's just the sense I'm getting. There was so much build up to Megumi's potential, with Gojo's lessons with him, with Gojo telling him he had the potential to surpass him, Sukana's taunting and then stealing his body and technique, etc... So unless Gege drops the ball on his own foreshadowing again (which is always possible, considering the shitshow that his writing has been lately), I think Megumi is likely to become the actual hero of this story. I think he's been being set up to take on that role since basically the beginning. The character that, on the surface, seems the least invested, or declaring his own detachment from people, being the one to actually save the day, would be a classic hero trope. Our main players right now in Itadori and Yuta falling to Sukana, and needing Megumi to overcome him in order to save their lives, would make a lot of sense to me. Like defeating Sukana from within, after being underestimated and after Sukana's attempts to destroy Megumi too.

Of course, I could be totally off base, and whatever happens with Megumi could just be another, underwhelming bleh moment, kind of like what just happened with Kenjaku and his story and connection to various characters going absolutely nowhere, lol. So who knows. I don't really trust Gege as a writer at this point. But maybe he'll actually manage to pull off something worthy of Megumi's character. He's due for something like that, considering the way he butchered Gojo's ending.

[lastoneout]

you absolutely do not need to respond if you don't want to but how does the "everything feels worse because i'm finally healing" differ from "everything feels worse because things really are that bad currently"? i always wonder if there's a way to tell them apart. glad you're getting recovering!

Imo the difference so far, is that back when I was still in an unsafe place that was making my trauma worse, between the hysterical sobbing meltdowns I just felt so....normal. I would freak out and break sometimes, but after that I would feel weirdly fine. Or even at times like I didn't have emotions at all? It was like my brain was going "there is no war in ba sing se" to protect me and keep me from freaking out too bad, and like it kinda was! My major coping mechanism has always been ignoring my emotions and shoving them all in a box until they aren't bothering me anymore. And when I was in those shitty situations that was helpful, because I needed to keep myself alive and I wasn't going to be able to do that if I was a sobbing mess all the time.

Also, the one time it got really, really bad, like I was so deep in a traumatic situation it was clearly just completely destroying me, I really did feel like that part in Inside Out where Riley's console just goes dark and none of her emotions can press any buttons. There was this overwhelming sense of dread and misery, and I could barely take care of myself at all. I stopped going to school and showering and I barely ate anything, I didn't talk to my friends, and tbh I did some stuff that I am SUPER not proud of, bcs my brain legit wasn't working at all, and it wasn't until I got out that I started feeling like a person again.

The pain of healing never feels like that. Yes, I am in a bad mental space a lot of the time, I'm depressed and I have nightmares that make me legit so depressed I spend the whole day crying, but there's like...idk this undercurrent of function and focus that wasn't there before. I can keep doing things WHILE being sad(for the most part), instead of only being able to function when I am repressing everything. And tbh it really does feel like I don't have a choice in the matter, which sounds bad but it's kinda nice? Like my brain is done repressing things and isn't going to let me do it anymore. Every time I try it's almost like there's a firm but kind voice in my head saying "no, we can't do that anymore, you have to face this, it's okay".

It's kinda weird too bcs the deeper into healing I get the less my old coping mechanisms help. Hell most of them don't even work anymore. As an example my mom got into a car wreck recently and she was in the hospital for a while, and when I found out I tried to go into my "no feelings no nonsense we have to be strong now" mode, but it didn't work?? I spent the whole time I was there crying, and like!! I actually was happy I was crying!! Because I've never been able to do that!! It's such a weird thing to be happy I'm upset but like, it means I'm making progress.

And that makes every single moment of misery bearable because I know I need this. I've needed this my entire life, and it hurts and is scary, and sometimes I do have to just zone out and play video games or spend a day in bed being sad, but I just...know it's the right thing. Idk how else to explain it, I just know.

It also helps that now I know what a happy, safe life looks like and I know it's there waiting for me. I know this work is worthwhile because I don't want to live my life the way I used to. And I am in a happy, supportive relationship that actively inspires me to work on myself and be a better person. I know not everyone has that, but framing it in a way where I am trying to be better not just for myself but for the people I love helps give me that extra bit of strength I need to keep going.

Anyway this is kinda rambly, sorry, but I did want to answer. If anyone else has any advice for anon feel free to add it on!! I have to go to therapy now lmao but when I'm done if I think of anything else I'll add it!

[blueskittlesart]

Never thought about it before but goddamn you're right, Betty would be a MUCH better song story-wise if it was sung by a girl like "Then I saw you dance with him" hanging out with your best friend that you've been pining for for ages and she's dancing with a guy and you can't stand it, can't help how the assumption she doesn't like girls makes you so bitter and angry, but you can see the way she's looking at the guy she's dancing with so you ditch her and go have a fling with another girl, ignoring every time she tries to talk to you, refusing to tell her what she did wrong the entire summer, but the truth is she's always on your mind and you're doing both Betty and this other girl that you refuse to even name wrong in using her to replace Betty, and it also removes the shitty cheating aspect of the song to make it about a repressed, closeted lesbian (Betty) and a less repressed but very frustrated lesbian (the POV character), still sucks for the unnamed girl though. But anyway lesbianism would improve the story part of it so much (I don't mean this in a way of shitting on the original song because it's one of my favourites, it's just lesbians would make it even better)

sorry im going to act insane for a second i PROMISE i am not one of those lesbian taylor truthers i am just a lesbian who loves to relate to music ok please remember this as you read this post i promise i am normal

BETTY IS ABOUT LESBIANISM TO ME. "you heard the rumors from inez, you can't believe a word she says most times but this time it was true" inez knows the speaker likes girls and can't keep her mouth shut about it. the speaker desperately tries to discredit inez's rumors to everyone EXCEPT betty, who she WANTS to know on some level. "I saw you dance with him" is the inherent pain of being a girl in love with your best friend and watching her dance with a guy and knowing you will never be enough for her. she will always want something you can't give her even though all you've ever wanted is her. the speaker tries to replace betty with another girl and ignores her and betty is suddenly jealous in a way she doesn't understand. while the speaker spends the summer trying to replace betty with another girl and pretend like she doesn't care, betty spends the summer coming to terms with the fact that their friendship meant something more and that she likes girls too. "the worst thing that i ever did is what i did to you" has 2 meanings in my mind, one is the intended meaning of the speaker leaving betty without ever telling her why, but if the speaker is a girl it goes deeper--befriending her & loving her in the first place was the worst thing the speaker ever did, because it leaves her with only two choices: leave betty without explaining and hurt her, or tell betty how she feels and, if betty feels the same way, risk being ostracized by their peers for being gay. (there are lines that allude to betty being under some pressure to not date the speaker--"in front of all your stupid friends," specifically, but "switching her homeroom" could be switching AWAY from the speaker so that she won't be tempted, depending on how you want to interpret it.) one more line that i think is very lesbian is the whole "right now is the last time i can dream about what happens when you see my face again." like. maybe this isn't EXCLUSIVELY a lesbian experience but i think most of us had a tumultuous almost-relationship friendship that never got closure and so we daydream about seeing her again and telling her everything that went unsaid. right. im not the only one who does that right

[lillotte17]

I woke up to this thought, which tells you how bad the brainrot is tbh, but like... It's not just "they don't say things out loud bc of repression and trauma", and "Oh wow, neither of them listen to each other ever, yikes!"

Neither of them are used to working with someone else as an actual TEAM, let alone as a couple. I know it seems like they've been "working together" for a long time because of "the arrangement", and because all of the flashbacks (naturally) show the times when they were together, but think about the long stretches of time between those events! Especially back towards the beginning of things when they hadn't quite decided they were friends yet. The vast majority of their time on earth has been spent alone, and not only that, but when Heaven and Hell passes them an assignment, how they handle that assignment is left largely in their own hands to figure out, because "head office doesn't care how things get done, they just want to know they can cross it off the list."

They are used to orders, and they are used to doing things their own way by themselves. Even when they are helping each other out with blessings and temptations, what we are shown is that they more or less just tell the other one what the job is, and then let them handle it without any oversight. The only exceptions seems to be when they're both suddenly in A Situation, and then they have to play off of one another on the fly. That's really not the same as sitting down and having a discussion, finding compromises, or jointly coming up with a plan about how to handle something.

The first time they even really attempt to really work together is when they agree to jointly influence Warlock's upbringing, and even then they really just get together and compare notes, they don't ask or offer insight about how things should be done. Most of their fights in season one stem from the fact that instead of actually trying to plan something together, they both just keep passing the buck back and forth about "well, you should come up with a plan to fix this."

And I'm not saying that it's an excuse exactly, but it makes sense! When you live for eternity, a four year adjustment period is practically nothing. I myself am such a creature of habit, who likes to do things my own way in my own time, and I like having my own space to do it in. Getting into the mindset of A Relationship, where you are expected to at least check in with someone else for most major decisions, and even quite a few of the smaller ones...it's a big change. It's an effort. And it's an effort that I don't know that either of them have figured out that they really needed to be making.