#but i always put in the work to make a mends and reschedule

[bulldagger-bait]

This is probably an unpopular opinion: so, i'll just preface with: Im saying this as a person with disability and chronic illness:

At a certain point its a bit shitty when people keep cancelling plans. I know sometimes health can get in the way of things but when you're ALWAYS reaching out to your friend and they are ALWAYS cancelling on you, it really, really sucks.

I don't cancel plans often. Usually I go through with them, even if I feel like pure death. I will save up all my energy for a day to see my friends. I put in that effort, even if sometimes it causes me to flare. And yeah, I could stand to tone it down a little, but I really dont like cancelling.

Because I've had friends cancel plans on me. a lot. And its usually people im trying to get back into contact with. It sucks to be cancelled on, and even though you know the person isn't doing it maliciously, after a certain amount of times it just starts to feel like they dont actually want to see you.

Of course you need to look after your health and comfort, but I sometimes feel like people can focus too much on prioritising their comfort over their relationships. Relationships are hard work and unfortunately, that sometimes means pushing through exhaustion and pain for someone because you care about them.

Disability and illness can be really isolating. In order to get rid of that loneliness, it means meeting up with people. And adjusting to living with disability and chronic illness means learning to balance those two forces. If you find yourself always cancelling and notice that your friendships are fading, you're not acting in your best interest. You are going to have to be uncomfortable and push yourself. You are going to have to put effort in, or be content with people pulling away because the relationship is becoming one-sided.

It should also just be basic etiquette that if you cancel on someone, it should be your responsibility to reschedule. And you should try not to let the person down again.

Like, I get it. Im sometimes exhausted and in pain and dont feel up to hanging out. I do it anyway. Because its good for the relationship, its good for my mental health, and its good to push your boundaries sometime. Its like exercise a muscle, if you dont push it, you dont get stronger. You dont grow.

It sucks to put in all that work, and get nothing back. It also especially sucks when it feels like your friend gives up on plans at the slightest hint of resistance. If you cancel, maybe try communicating why.

But in general i think that people have become too blasé about this kind of thing. Yes, life gets in the way, but at a certain point you have to stop victimising yourself and realise that youre treating people badly. You're not the only person whos struggling, and you owe it to yourself to try and do something that will make you feel better long-term -- like fulfilling relationships with others -- rather than prioritising short term gains (like getting to rest)

TLDR: cancelling plans sucks, and getting cancelled on sucks too. Remember, its never just one person losing a friend, its always at least two, and thats awful. Dont let yourself fall into the trap of neglecting your relationships. Part of taking care of your wellbeing means taking care of your social health too.

[princecharmingmendes]

Birthday Girl | Raul Mendes

Where Raul makes sure his girl will have the best birthday ever despite anything else

Hello everyone, pausing a bit on the Heart by Heart series (I'll be back to it Thursday as usual) to celebrate the beautiful and amazing @sinceweremutual birthday! This a small blurb/oneshot I started writing as soon as I found out her birthday was today, so I hope this was worth it. Happy Reading!

And honey, happy birthday! Hope you like it!

-*-

*Word Count: 3.5K+

*Warnings: stablished relationship, minor cursing and overly sweet Raul.

*Posted: August 15th, 2021.

-*-

Y/N loved her precious hours of sleep.

Loved the sensation of waking up and knowing she had some time to go back to bed and cuddle back into her pillows (or boyfriend if he haven’t left already). She liked sleeping in just a bit more on the weekends and taking naps after a long hard day. Last night was not an exception. Her day sucked and Raul was stuck at the hospital for a night shift, only being able to make it back home on the early hours of the morning.

They weren’t necessarily living together yet, but they’ve been together for almost two years, having known each other for a lot more than that and nowadays the pretty much were always together, but both had their own apartment, even though they’re barely separated. So she came back to his apartment since he promised he’d come as soon as he was allowed to join her in her sleep.

Her day sucked. Her boss was unnecessarily mean towards her for a mistake she did not commit and wasn’t her responsibility to make sure that wouldn’t happen. Then she had to spend the whole day fixing the other team’s mistake and it took over three hours and a bunch of paperwork, but at the end of the day she was able to figure it out. Only to receive a half assed apology, her boss blaming it on his wife’s strange behavior or whatever lame excuse he could find to put the blame on someone else.

So by the time she reached his apartment she felt dead at her feet, only having enough energy left to shower and pull on one of Raul’s hoodie over her head, burying her nose on his faint scent in the fabric, before falling onto her back in his bed and allowing herself to relax. What was supposed to be a five minute nap, ended up being the whole night, even skipping dinner in favor of resting in peace, nuzzling further into her boyfriend’s bedding.

Raul got home around 2 a.m. and found his girl asleep in his bed, holding his pillow tight to her chest and he could feel his heart swelling in his chest at the sight. He carefully dropped his things in the closet before coming out to check if she was still asleep and unperturbed with him roaming around, and his suspicious were confirmed by her steady breathing and peaceful demeanor. He decided it was best to take a quick shower before diving under the covers with Y/N and pulling her into his chest.

He was at the hospital for goodness sake.

As soon as he was out of the bathroom and back into his dark room, with only a pair of sweatpants hanging low on his hips, he plugged his phone, checking his alarms and carefully climbing onto the bed. But as soon as the mattress dipped under his weight, he noticed Y/N shifting on her side, and he stilled his movements to check if he had woken her up or was just a dream.

Y/N turned her face to his side completely, eyes still hazy and sleep clouding her senses “Baby?”

“Hi, sweetheart, it’s just me” he mumbled hovering over her with his hands planted on each side of her head to hold himself up, before he leaned down to press featherlight kissed all over her face.

“Kissy?” her voice small and soaked in sleep as she puckered her lips at him.

Raul let out a low and warm chuckle, making an involuntary smile appear in her lips as she looked up at him, feeling all fuzzy inside with the sound of his voice and the way he looked at her, before leaning down and placing a slow peck on her pout “you know you can get all the kisses in the world, my love, you don’t even have to ask” he then connected their lips again in a longer yet sweet kiss as she sighed into his mouth happily.

“Missed you” she said as soon as he pulled away, only to place his pillow back in its place so he could lay down properly, then pulling her pliant body to accommodate on top of his.

He hummed placing a kiss to her forehead as she curled her body around his, throwing a leg over his to tangle them “Missed you too, but I’m here now and you should rest, your four minutes voice message was enough for me to know you need to relax”

Y/N just nodded nuzzling her face in his neck sighing contently as he rubbed circles on her back, slowly drifting off himself as well “good night, darling, sweet dreams” he whispered into her hair but she was already asleep, but that didn’t stop her from tightening her embrace on him.

-*-

She had a peaceful night of sleep until being coaxed awake with a bunch of tiny soft kisses being placed all over her face, making her scrunch her nose before slowly blinking her eyes open. She was met with her gorgeous boyfriend hovering over her with his megawatt smile he reserved only for her shining bright. Y/N giggled softly tucking her head on the bicep on her left that was holding his weight above her. Raul couldn’t help but laugh at her.

“Good morning, birthday girl” he murmured a bit raspy as he dragged his lips across her cheek until she looked up at him with a smile on her face.

“Hm good morning” she mumbled sleepily letting her eyes fall closed.

“Oh no, don’t sleep on me” he whined and she giggled.

“I’m not sleeping, silly, just resting a bit”

Raul let out a low chuckle before kissing the tip of her nose “happy birthday, my love”

“Happy birthday indeed” she mumbled before wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him down to lay on top of her.

But before he could smash her into the mattress he was quick to roll them both over “no, no sleeping again” he laughed sitting them both up with Y/N on his lap.

“Why not?” she was physically unable to stop herself from pouting.

He only smiled sympathetically at her “you made me promise you I wouldn’t let you skip work today, and that was only two days ago and I don’t break the promises I make to you”

Y/N groaned rolling her eyes “stupid past me who thought working was worth skipping a day with you when I’ll have a crowded night and won’t even properly be able to enjoy my time with you”

“Having second thoughts on your night out, sweetheart?” he asked teasingly and she nodded “well, good thing Angela texted me to tell me she’s not making it tonight so she’ll reschedule with you later”

“Really??” she asked with a smile “I know I shouldn’t sound too excited about this, but this week was so long and I needed some chill time, you and a movie would be wonderful”

He only giggled and leaned his forehead against hers “That can be arranged, darling”

“Good” she hummed gently with a smile.

“Kissy?” Raul begged with a pout but a slightly teasing tilt in his voice.

It took her a while to realize he was mocking her from last night and she felt her face burning up “oh fuck you” she said trying to leave abruptly, but his arm around her kept her pinned in his lap as he laughed.

“No, no, drop it, it was just a joke, you were just so cute last night, could never say no to you” he mumbled kissing her jaw “come in, don’t be mad at me, I’ll do that thing you like for dinner, yeah?”

“This doesn’t sound like a food offer” she said with knowing look in her eyes and he had a smirk on his lips before she had even finished her sentence, making a laugh bubble up her throat “you’re the actual worst!”

Raul threw his head back in laughter, placing a kiss on her cheeks “come on, it was just a joke, you know I’ll give you anything you’d want, doll” and his eyes were so serious and so tender she almost melted into his chest.

“Oh God, it’s barely seven in the morning, I’m barely functioning and awake, and you’re already flirting, how do you manage that?” she asked incredulously, looking at him and he just laughed shaking his head.

“Well, I can’t help it when you look like that” he mumbled leaning in closer, rubbing their noses together.

“Like what?”

“Like the love of my life” he answered like it was the most obvious thing in the planet.

And he did it so easily, not even flinching at that, leaving her speechless.

Their relationship started with teasing and mindless flirting, becoming close friends pretty quickly. He flirted with everyone without even realizing, it was just natural, and she was just good with quick funny and slightly flirty remarks they just clicked. Their friendship blurred into a serious romantic relationship so easily, everyone surrounding them rooting hot it to happen. So this wasn’t necessarily a weird situation, they’ve been like this for years, but sometimes he’d utter the sweetest confessions between the little teasings and jokes with such rawness and adoration in his eyes that she’d end up frozen in place.

He did it because it would turn things a little easier to digest and he felt better that way, wouldn’t feel so intimidated since, and Y/N didn’t mind. She knew he could be honest and serious whenever he needed, but these tiny declarations that could be fitted into a casual conversation about their grocery list always caught her off guard. And it was so genuine and spontaneous, she couldn’t help but fall even harder for him.

So she just stared at him in awe for a couple of seconds before realizing she hadn’t said anything in return, before she babbled up a “I love you too”

Raul couldn’t contain the fond smile gracing his lips before he leaned in and pressed a long yet sweet peck at her lips “wait here only a sec, yeah?”

“What? Baby, you said no surprises!” she whined but got out of his lap anyway and he only smiled at her.

“It’s not a huge surprise or anything, I promise” he said before leaving her laying in his bed.

“Of course that is the only promise he’s able to break” Y/N grumbled under her breath grumpily.

Then she heard Raul chuckle as he approached the room again “I can hear you, you know?” and she only rolled her eyes from the bed and gasping as soon as she met him by the door.

He was holding a huge breakfast tray that had absolutely all of her favorite breakfast food and a beautiful flower arrange holding her favorite ones. The smile on her face was enough to make him aware that waking up after only 4 hours of sleep were worth it, and he’d do it all over again just to see her smile like that again.

“You didn’t have to” was all she could mutter.

Raul smiled and nodded “I know, I just wanted to make your day a bit better before work, and we can celebrate later”

“Thank you” she said in a hushed tone as he placed the tray on the nightstand, and as soon as it was out of danger of suffering a strike she lunged forward wrapping him in a hug as she knocked them both on the bed again “thank you so much”

Raul laughed wrapping his arms around her waist tighter “you’re so very welcome” he said as he placed a kiss to her hair.

“I love you so much” she mumbled squeezing him just a bit tighter.

“I know, love” he said with a hand tilting her chin up look at him “but I love you so much more”

“Ew” she teased and he laughed, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and shaking his head.

He snorted making her laugh “Cruel beautiful thing”

Y/N leaned down to press a kiss to his lips “good thing you love me more than” mumbling before sitting back up to eat her breakfast.

And that was how she got ready for work, with one of the best breakfasts she’s ever had in her life, and sure the food as good, but that wasn’t all of it. She was still at home, in bed and content. Then after eating through light banter and little silly jokes, Raul followed her around his room and watched her get ready for work. She had enough stuff in his house she could easily live in there for a while, since it’s where they spent most of their time. So as soon as she was ready, with her boyfriend still hot in her tracks with every move she made, trailing behind her.

“Okay” she said as she grabbed her purse “this is your day off and I know you’re up super early for this and came home super late, so please sleep”

“Why? You plan on keeping me up all night?” he teased with his signature smirk and Y/N shook her head laughing.

She gently cupped his cheeks in both of her hands “you need to sleep, doctor’s orders, honey”

“I'm the doctor here” he protested and she only shook her head in response.

“Well, I’m in control here, mister, so to bed you go”

“Fine, but I’ll pick you up, alright?” he said pressing a kiss to her forehead and she nodded “Love you”

“Love you too”

-*-

Six p.m. sharp she heard her phone buzzing softly, indicating her overly excited boyfriend was already downstairs waiting for her. So Y/N started grabbing her things, letting him know she’d be there soon, and turning off her computer for the weekend. Before she could even get up from her chair, she saw her coworker and friend, Claire running towards her with a big smile on her face.

“Your prince charming is here!” she beamed and Y/N cringed at how loud she exclaimed.

“Keep it down, people are still working” she hissed at her friend but she only rolled her eyes at her antics in response.

“Come on, don’t leave him waiting!”

She shook her head laughing softly “okay, okay, I’m leaving”

“Happy birthday, girl, enjoy your six feet boyfriend”

Y/N looked at her funny “I will, thank you? What did he say to you?”

“Just go! And text me later!” she said as she pushed Y/N into the elevator, pressing the buttons and leaving her alone.

She laughed to herself, adjusting the strap of her bag on her shoulder as she looked down at her phone, her foot tapping against the marble floor as she waited for the doors to open, and as they did, all the stress rolled off of her. Raul was standing just in front of her building wearing a beautiful button up, with a chain necklace hanging from his neck and peaking through the first opened buttons. His black shades covering his beautiful eyes and showing the reason behind his reputation of being a bad boy, when in reality he was just a softie.

But in his hands, he had another bouquet of flowers and as soon as he set his eyes on her, his face brightened up with a big smile. He was just leaning on his jeep and as she got closer he straightened his posture and took the final steps to meet her in between. He pressed a quick peck to her lips and extended the flowers to her, keeping their affection to minimum since neither of them were a fan of PDA.

“Hi there, gorgeous” she said trying to mimic his flirty tone and he only chuckled.

Raul opened the door for her “Hello, my love, ready for our birthday celebration?”

She kissed his cheek as she climbed in, bouquet on her lap as she buckled up “Is there food involved?”

“Of course, homemade and everything” he said closing the door before climbing on the drivers seat.

“Are you for real?” she asked as she turned to face him.

He only smiled starting the car, backing up and starting to drive them both to his place “Of course, could never lie to you, and it’s your favorite, even asked you grandmother for the recipe”

“Oh shit!” she squealed from her seat and he smiled at her nodding “you have to be kidding me”

“You can call her” Raul said teasingly “Or you could trust your very honest and loving boyfriend, both pretty simple options”

Y/N laughed shaking her head “you’re absolutely ridiculous”

“But you love me” he quickly added and she couldn’t stop herself from laughing harder.

“Of course I do, silly, it’s impossible not to when you’re literally being the best human being I’ve ever met and always making sure I’m happy” she said looking at the flowers on her lap before looking up at Raul.

“Stop it, you’re gonna make me cry” he teased and she shook her head with a giggle “I just want to make you happy, promised it to your mom and myself”

“And you’re acing this” she said and he grabbed her hand, planting a kiss on the back of it before parking on the garage of his building.

“Baby, before we go back home, could you please grab me my wallet, I think it's one the glove compartment” he mumbled grabbing his phone probably to reply to someone’s text.

And she did, but she was not expecting what she saw.

Inside the glove compartment there were a bunch of polaroids of them and rose petals scattered around, and right on the back of it there was a little key hanging under the phrase ‘move in with me, please?’ written in his calligraphy. She was still processing the whole thing when he cleaned his throat slightly nervous, making her look up at him with wide eyes and still not sure what to say.

“I know this is your birthday, and this is technically a gift for me, but I really couldn’t wait another day” he said softly, seemingly shyer than his usual confident self, making her heart swell twice its size in her chest.

“Raul, I- yeah, yes, of course I’ll move in with you!” she practically jump on him as much as she could due to the fact that they’re still in his car and space was limited.

Y/N was quick to capture his lips in a searing kiss and she felt him relax under her touch, tucking her bottom lip between his two, a hand cupping her face as the other held her waist to give her some sort of support on the pose she had. She backed way to recover a bit of breath she didn’t think she would need when she lunged forward to her boyfriend, so instead the pecked his lips only about a million times, making him laugh and press one long kiss to her lips then leaning away completely.

“Glad you agreed to it, cause I already told your parents” he said a bit nervous about it, a sly smile gracing his features to match his rosy cheeks.

“Of course you did” she said with a smile “what about yours? Are they okay with it?”

“Are you kidding me?? Mom wanted you to move in like three years ago” he said as he grabbed the key and the photos from the glove compartment “sorry, sweetheart, this is actually symbolic since you already have a key and this is actually mine”

“Figured” she laughed as she grabbed her stuff “And what do you mean three years ago? We weren’t even officially together back then”

Raul shrugged “guess that’s a mom thing, she said something about having never seen me this happy before and she was sure we were in love with each other, turns out she was right, I already loved you back then and didn’t want to admit it, and yeah, you make me the happiest man alive, sweetheart”

“You're absolutely ridiculous but I still love you” Y/N admitted and he smiled at her.

“I know” he opened his door “your real present, meal and a few other stuff are waiting for you upstairs”

“Oh my God, you really went all in” she giggled getting out of the car, and as soon as she was out, he was quick to pick her up bridal style making her squeak “what the hell are you doing?”

He looked down at her, taking a while to cal the elevator “Isn’t this how we’re supposed to do it?”

“Baby, I’m sure it’s only the door, not all the floors and we’re not married” she said with a giggled

“Well, miss skepticism, just let me be a goofball once in a while” he said with a mocking tone.

“Once in a while?” she asked incredulously.

He had a pout on his lips when he spoke up again “Come on, no teasing when I’m trying to be a hopeless romantic, please let me do this and treat you right” he said with a smile

“Alright, whatever you want” she admitted in defeat as she giggled, wrapping her arms around her neck “just don’t drop me, please”

“Would never, sweetheart”

-*-

*Please reblog or like this post if you liked it so I’ll know.

*I’m sorry if there are any spelling mistakes.

*Please do not repost this without giving me the credit, this is a completely original piece and I do not give permission to copy this!

*Hope you guys enjoyed it!

*xoxo

-🌙

[liberty-barnes]

One

Sequel to "Two"

Peter Parker x Female!Reader

Summary: One man, one mistake, horrible consequences.

Warnings: angst, angst, angst, cheating, character death, I'M SORRY

Word Count: 1k words

Estimated Reading Time: 4 minutes

A/N: sooooo, since so many of you have been asking for a sequel... here it is... i guess... haha, this ought to be fun

i am not planning on doing a part three, this will be the second and final part, sorry babes <3

Masterlist 

Peter sighed for what felt like the hundredth time in the last five minutes. Amber was chatting away, arm linked with his as they walked the streets of New York.

"Can you believe she said that? Like, how dare she? Peter? Are you listening? Petey?"

He winced as he heard the nickname, the one you had given him two decades ago. Truth is, breaking up with you was his biggest regret, all because of some stupid office party, and stupid tequila.

He opened his eyes and groaned as the bright light burned its way past the safety of his eyelids. His head was throbbing, his mouth felt like he'd tried to eat cotton, and he had no memory of getting out of the office party.

He stared at the pink silk sheets of his bed and...

Wait...

Pink?

Silk?

He knew for a fact that his bed, your bed, didn't have pink sheets, much less silk. It was always blue cotton.

He felt movement on the other side of his bed and prayed to every god out there that the person moving was you, that he was home and you'd just bought some new sheets.

"Mm, good morning, handsome."

But that wasn't your voice.

He jumped out of bed in a flash, quickly scrambling for a corner of the bedsheet to hide his naked body as the blonde giggled.

"No need to cover yourself up, babe, it's nothing I haven't seen before."

She winked and got out of bed, seemingly unbothered by her state of undress as she walked over to him. He dodged her advances when she tried to kiss him and hurriedly put his clothes back on.

"What the fuck am I doing here, Amber?"

She rolled her eyes and put on her dressing-gown, tying it loosely around her waist.

"Isn't it obvious? We got drunk, things got heated, we slept together."

His heart broke at her every word, the guilt eating at him from the inside out.

"N-No, that can't be right, I-I have a girlfriend."

She scoffed.

"Well, you might wanna rethink your relationship, darling. Cause you seemed pretty sure about us last night."

"But we're getting married..."

"Your marriage's already doomed. If you cheated, then you don't love her, not really."

The words had haunted him all the way back home, where you were waiting for him, watching TV in a comfy sweater of his and calmly sipping at your tea.

"Hey, babe! Did you sleep alright? Josh sent me a text saying you weren't feeling too well so you just slept over at his since it's closer."

He knew he should tell you what happened, be honest, and beg for your forgiveness.

But he didn't.

"Yeah, it was okay, just gonna take a shower now."

He pecked your lips, not wanting to seem suspicious, and let that same sentence eat at him while the water cascaded down his back.

If you cheated, then you don't love her, not really.

"Wait let's stop there, I wanna buy the new Fashion."

He followed her to the newsstand and watched as she searched for her beloved magazine while he absentmindedly glazed over the newspaper.

"Again?"

You all but screamed, staring at your fiancé.

"I'm sorry but I'm working towards a big promotion right now, I need those extra hours."

"It's the third time I'm having to reschedule this cake testing, Peter. It's like you don't even want to get married!"

You threw your hands in the air, staring him down.

"Why does a stupid cake matter so much anyway? Choose whatever you want, I don't care!"

He was starting to raise his voice as well.

"It's not the cake that matters, it's the fact that you're not the least bit involved in planning this wedding. I've had to choose flowers, decorations, arrangements, seating charts, everything without you. Is it too much to ask for you to help me at least a little bit?"

He shook his head and picked up his backpack.

"If it's getting too much for you, hire a wedding planner, I told you it's what you should have done from the start."

"I don't want a fucking wedding planner, I want my fiancé to help me!"

"You're being ridiculous. I'm off to work, don't wait up for me, I probably won't be back till late."

He slammed the door behind him and got into his car, shooting Amber a text.

'I'm on my way, hope you're wearing that new set I got you.'

He was reading the headlines in a newspaper when the vendor caught his attention.

"Shame, innit?"

He lifted a brow in question and the man pointed at the bottom left corner.

Young woman jumps off Manhattan bridge, leaves behind a three-month-old son.

"She was young too, only twenty-four. Wonder what made her take the leap?"

He nodded along to what the vendor was saying and flipped the pages until he reached the detailed report.

He closed the trunk, suitcases inside, and looked through the living room window, locking eyes with your tearful ones. For a moment, he wanted to turn back. Apologize for all he's done. Beg for you to take him back.

If you cheated, then you don't love her, not really.

He got in the driver's seat and made his way to Amber's apartment, cringing as her hand squeezed his thigh.

"Finally."

(Y/n) (Y/l/n), 24, took her own life in the late evening on the 17th. Witnesses report having tried to save her, talking to her and asking her to come down, but she decided to jump. She leaves behind her three-month-old son Benjamin, currently in the care of her older sister. Sources say she had battling depression for over a year after...

"Peter?"

Amber's voice sounded distant in his ears, all the could focus on was the words on the paper.

Took her own life

Three-month-old son

Depression

"I did this."

It was his fault. He's the reason you're dead. Why your son is gonna grow up with his mother, why his son...

He had a son.

"I have a son."

And it all went black.

so, that’s it, short little sequel is done, no i will not make a part 3, yes that is final

(i feel like i’m scolding my kids, please don’t think i’m scolding you, i love you guys <3)

anyway, hope you all liked it, don’t forget to comment/like/reblog if you feel like it!

have a nice day and be kind to others

-Love, Miah 🤍

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Taglists: (if your name is striked through it means for some reason tumblr wouldn’t let me tag you)

PERMA TAG

@jeezkiddo​ @officiallyunofficialperson​  @beananacake​ @theunderlier @harrysleftchelseaboot​ @averyfosterthoughts​ @onebigolemess​ @samoney69​ @agirlwithpointlessideas​ @ddaawwssoonn​ @inhumanwithpowers​ @imagineshere-forall​ @stiles-banshees​ @orowit​ @spideynut​ @peterspideyy​@deathofmissjackson​ @parkersbliss​ @ephemeral-limerences​ @write-from-the-heart​ @cardboard-ben​ @my-alignment-is-bisexual @mendes-marvel​ @timotayswriter​ @inthecornerchair​ @lovelynerdytraveler​ @niallssweetheart22​ @incorrect-things​ @lost-in-the-stars03​ @harishaanne​ @ellamw04 @bisexual-disappointment​ @onelovesr​ @ellyseveronica​ @sovereignparker​ @notsosmexy​

PETER PARKER TAG

@sweetiesangster​ @markleehee​ @juliebean247​ @quechulitaaa​ @bubblegumbarnes​ @sofiaconlaz​ @bellaaa321-blog​ @parkerpetertingle​ @emily-louise-hynes @clara-licht​ @ekelly2015​ @inlovewithmobtom​ @quaksonhehe​ @danicarosaline​ @tutuabby28​ @sovereignparker​ @spn67-sister​ @t-monosapiens-h @kayleypaige2233​ @galaxystern08​ @highlydisfunctional1​ @jillanaholland​ @zeusmyster​ @sirtommyholland​ @a-singleboat​ @allthisfortommy​ @middevil456 @kdotcxz​ @perspectiveparker​

MARVEL TAG

 @emily-louise-hynes @arts-ismything​ @peachyafshawn​ @cathwritestragediesnotsins​ @spn67-sister​ @t-monosapiens-h @galaxystern08​ @highlydisfunctional1​ @jillanaholland​ @hyluas @ravenagrimes @captainbuckyy​ @kaylig02​ @crazyassbitch-things-blog​ @sharenaloveyoux​ @tacobacoyeet​ @andycanbeemotional​ @angelicromanoff

[johnbbutmakeitace]

for the song prompt, here's two: stay by gracie abrams and finally // beautiful stranger by halsey

two for the price of one! i like it!

stay

The day they broke apart, it was raining. 

Thunder began to rumble when they started to argue. They argued over what they always argued over-- the gold. JJ still wanted it, despite the fact that it had cost John B and Sarah their lives. It was the only way JJ could think of to honor them, as stupid as that sounds now. He couldn’t let Ward get away with it. If he let it go, then the kooks would get everything, and the pogues would get nothing. JJ couldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t let his best friend’s sacrifice be for fucking nothing. 

It was a simple affair, really. JJ wanted to go after the gold. Pope didn’t. He had a rescheduled scholarship interview to think about, after all. 

Rain stung against his skin when Pope said that. Of course he knew Pope had another interview coming. Of course he was happy for Pope to have a second chance at freedom, a second chance at a happy, successful life. Of course he knew. He just thought-- well. 

He thought that-- after everything, everything they’d fought, laughed, and cried over-- after everything they’d been through together-- he thought that Pope would want to stay. 

Pope insisted that they needed to give up the treasure hunting nonsense and let the gold go. Bury it in the past, JJ thought bitterly, like the two empty coffins they’d put in the dirt not but a week ago. 

A small part of JJ knew that Pope was right. A big part of JJ was lost and grieving and fucking furious. 

Lightning danced over a raging ocean when JJ lost it. It was selfish of him, he knows. But JJ had always been a little bit stupid when it comes to the big picture. That scholarship meant everything to Pope, and he’d almost lost his chance once. Now that he had it again, he wasn’t going to let it slip past him. JJ knew that. 

Pope had a chance to get away, and he was taking it. And in that moment, JJ hated him for it. 

Cold water slid down JJ’s spine as Pope walked away for the last time. He hoped the rainwater would have extinguished the misplaced rage and grief in his heart. Hoped it would have cooled the fury burning in his chest, the stubbornness forcing his fingers into fists. Impossibly, JJ hoped the storm would have let him see reason.  

It didn’t. 

The day Pope left for DC, the sun was shining. He packed up all of his things into three suitcases, loaded them into the car, and left. Kiara rode with him to the airport to say goodbye. JJ spent the day surfing. 

He spent the night drinking alone. 

The day the bank takes the chateau, it drizzles. The day he burns the rest of John B’s things, it pours. The day Heyward offers him a job and a place to stay, it’s a cloudy, mute morning. The day Kiara tells him he should give Pope a call, it hails. 

She does that a lot. Insist that he should reach out. He never listens. Pride is an evil, spiteful thing, and it’s got its claws dug into his heart so deep JJ thinks it might be the only thing holding his heart together in the first place. 

He doesn’t tell Kie that, but JJ thinks she might know anyway. 

This goes on for months. Kie insists he should give Pope a call. JJ never does.

He wants to, though. 

It comes slow and small, this wanting. It starts in his chest, slips right between the bloody claws of pride and makes a home in the scar tissues on his heart. It begins to grow, and grow, and grow until there’s a little flower blooming there-- right in the remnants of the only friendship he didn’t want to shatter. And oh, this little flower hurts in it’s own right. It makes him ache in a new kind of way. A way that makes him want to reach out. A way that makes him want to mend, makes him want to heal. 

He thinks of reasons why he should. In the end, he comes up with only four. 

Because he’s selfish. Because he’s tired. Because he’s sorry. Because it’s raining. 

The day he calls Pope, the sun finally shines, and that flower blooms.

finally // beautiful stranger

The drive back to the outer banks is as eye opening as it is nostalgic. 

The sun is as yellow as Pope remembers, maybe a little less vibrant than it was in his youth, but still bright nonetheless. The drive makes his eyes tired, and the sunlight bouncing off the ocean in the distance catches in his rearview mirror on occasion, making him squint. He doesn’t mind, though. The waves are still just as beautiful as they were when he was a kid. 

The poverty of his hometown is clearer to him, now. Pope thinks it’s a little funny, how idyllic childhood makes the world seem. Money doesn’t matter so much when you're a kid, even when it should. But childhood is meant to be spent not worrying about the adult world. When you’re a kid, you’re supposed to worry about spaceships and dragons, not when your next meal would be. 

At least, for normal kids, anyway. 

The pogues weren’t like that. It seemed like worry and fear followed after them wherever they went. It was just a part of the life. They were so caught up running from beatings and kooks and security guards, they didn’t have much time for imagination. Sure, they still had dreams, but not about dragons. They dreamed of second chances. Second chances to start over and dump the shitty cards they’d been dealt. 

The pogues already knew that dragons didn’t exist because they had real monsters to worry about. 

Maybe that’s why they all latched onto the idea of the gold so hard, Pope thinks as he pulls into the parking lot of the wreck. Just for a chance to use their imaginations and act like normal kids, for once. 

Kiara is waiting for him in the lot. Leaned up against the side of her Honda Civic -- which has more bumper stickers plastered on it than it does actual bumper-- sucking on the straw of a pink looking drink she must’ve got on the ride down, because there’s no way in hell Pope’s mom wouldn’t have heard about a new Starbucks on the cut and told him immediately. 

“Heya, stranger,” Kie smiles wide when he steps out of the car, and Pope’s heart trips over itself a little at the sight. Fuck, he’s missed her. 

“Hey yourself,” he says before striding over and pulling her into a spinning hug that makes both of them laugh. The familiarity of the motion makes something warm settle in Pope’s chest, and he sets her back down with a smile. “How have you been?” 

“Good!” Kie says cheerfully, before posing against her bumper like she might for the cover of vogue. “Cali’s been good to me, can’t you tell?”

He can tell. The California sun has made her tan skin glow, and the many flowering tattoos she’s got on her forearms spill out of her shirt sleeves like they’ve always belonged there. Her curls are still as wild as they’ve always been, pulled up into a bun and held back by a multicolored bandana. She looks as beautiful as ever. 

“I can definitely see that.” Pope agrees, and Kiara beams. 

Despite his delight at seeing her again, Pope finds himself glancing about the parking lot, looking for a familiar hint of blond hair, the seemingly endless amount of light in blue eyes, the bright hint of a smile. 

The sad thing is, deep down, Pope knows he’s not going to see him, standing there between the cars. He still looks anyway. 

“Is he coming?” Pope asks, and something in Kie’s smile falters, a bit. 

“C’mon,” she says, and slips her arm into his. She leads him towards the restaurant. “I had my mom reserve us our usual table. You can tell me all about DC and your fancy forensic program while we get a drink, okay?” 

Pope takes her avoidance for what it is. He keeps his smile up, even if he doesn’t want to so much anymore. “Okay.” 

They spend the next few hours drinking and catching up. Kiara tells him all about California and working with GreenPeace and the sun, and Pope tells her about GWU and the forensic program and the snow. 

Pope will gladly admit that it feels nice to come back again. The wreck is a place of comfort for both of them, filled with memories of laughter that haven’t been tainted and ruined by the world. It’s a little bubble of safety they find themselves in, and Pope takes more solace in it than he probably should. 

Despite this, he still feels like there’s a piece of that safety and comfort missing. The empty chair beside him serves as a reminder, and Pope tries his best to fight off the disappointment that his best friend is not there to fill it. 

Well. Former best friend. Maybe. 

They haven’t talked since Pope left. At least, not really. The occasional phone call didn’t exactly clear the air like talking in person would. 

That fight had been so stupid in hindsight, but they had been pretty stupid as kids. It was part of their charm, Pope supposes, but. That still didn’t make him feel much better. 

The night was winding down when it happened. Both he and Kie were well and thoroughly on their way to being a little too drunk to drive, and were, admittedly, starting to turn a bit giggly. Kie saw him first. Pope saw the way her eyes widened, mouth stretching into a grin before Pope was whipping around to look, and there he was.

He stood, hands shoved into a pair of well worn jeans. His T-shirt showed a big logo for the mechanic’s place in town, meaning he’d probably just got off of work. A familiar shark tooth necklace still dangled around his neck. 

He looked tired, but healthy. A bit of stubble stood out against his cheeks, and his hair was longer than Pope remembered. There was a well worn looking hair tie wrapped around his wrist, probably for keeping his hair out of his face while he was at work. His eyes were just as blue as Pope remembered. 

“Hi,” JJ said. 

Kiara was up and out of her seat before Pope even had time to think. JJ’s face broke out into a smile as he embraced her tight. Pope stood quietly while Kie berated JJ for never calling her enough. JJ flushed, mumbling something about working full time and running errands for Heyward. Kie rolled her eyes at the excuse, but her smile was fond. 

Then Pope was standing in front of them, and he and JJ were face to face. 

“Hey,” Pope said with an honest smile. “Long time no see.”

“Yeah,” JJ huffed out a slight smile, but wouldn’t meet Pope’s eyes. Pope had never seen JJ look so nervous. “It’s been a while.” 

“I missed you.” Pope said. Because he didn’t know what else to say, and because it was the truth. 

There was an unbearable silence for a moment as they just stared at each other. Then-- 

“Look, Pope,” JJ started. “I’m sorry--,” and before he could say anything else Pope was pulling JJ into a hug that was maybe just a little too tight. JJ went still for a moment, then melted into Pope’s arms like he’d never wanted to be anywhere else. 

“Wanna have a drink?” Pope asked as they broke apart, gesturing back to their table.  

JJ’s smile was small, but it was a smile nonetheless. “Sure.”

The night went on, and JJ began to loosen. He smiled more, began to add his own witty commentary to the conversation, laughed at Pope’s bad jokes between sips of beer. It wasn’t much, but it was a start. 

And when JJ fully leaned into Pope’s side as they all burst into laughter, his smile so bright and his eyes so happy and blue, the only thing Pope could think was-- finally. 

[softboywriting]

Christmas Kiss | Shawn Mendes

Summary: You and Shawn have been friends since you were kids. You never meant to fall in love with him, his life and job now make a relationship hard. This Christmas you decide to tell him how you feel, there is only one problem, you’re sick with a cold and you don’t think you’ll get to see him. [fluff] [Christmas themed] [sick/cold] [non au] [friends to lovers]

Word Count: 2.6k

|Masterlist In Bio|

Being sick when Shawn comes home from tour for Christmas is not ideal. You felt the cold coming on two days before he was scheduled to land in Toronto. You had plans, big plans with Shawn. It's been ages since he's been able to hang out in person, and you finally have the courage to admit to him that you want to be more than friends. This week was supposed to be a huge life changing event, a Christmas to remember. You did everything you could to stop the onslaught of runny nose and puffy watery eyes; medicine, orange juice, supplements, but to no avail. You are undoubtedly, irrevocably, sick.

Monday morning you wake up to the doorbell for your apartment buzzing non stop. The world feels heavy. You sit up in slow motion it seems and there is nothing you can do but focus on breathing for a moment while you gain your bearings and listen to that awful tinny buzzing from someone wanting into your building. You crawl out of bed and drag yourself to the door, dragging your feet like they're in sticky mud.

"Hello?" You ask, finger on the call button for the front door. Your voice is completely wrecked, absolutely destroyed from coughing. "Hello? Anybody there?"

"It's Shawn."

"Shawn?" You glance at the clock over your couch a few feet away. It's just after nine. "What're you doing here?"

"I got you some stuff. Let me in, it's cold out here." He laughs and you press the door button to let him in.

Moments later he is pushing open the door to your apartment and carrying in bags of stuff. You wrap a blanket off the couch around your shoulders and watch as he unloads bag after bag onto your kitchen island.

"What's this?"

"Medicine, food, gifts." Shawn starts unpacking and setting aside Oreos and some ramen cups. "I stopped by the store for you on my way over with your Christmas gifts."

You shuffle forward and look at the bags. They're full of more groceries than you would usually buy in two weeks. How much does the guy think you eat? And what is with all the junk food? You tug the corner of a bag down and see a bottle of whiskey. "What's this?" You pull out a fifth of Canadian whiskey and give Shawn a look.

"That's for us." He puts away the Oreos and some mac and cheese into a cupboard. "Hot toddies are good for making you sweat out a cold."

"Uh huh. You said “us”? You're not staying."

"The hell I’m not."

"Shawn, you can't get sick. You're a rockstar, you have to sing. You...you have responsibilities."

"Yeah and right now," he pauses and hands you a box of tissues. "My responsibility is my best friend."

Best friend. That packs a punch you didn't expect. A haunting reminder of how he thinks of you, at least, how he presents that he thinks of you. It's hard and it's getting harder, that courage you built up the last few months is withering now like ice  in the hot sun. It's just turning to steam before your very eyes. Shit.

"What if you get sick?"

"So what? I've been sick before and I'll be sick again." Shawn wads up the last of the grocery bags and sets aside a bunch of wrapped boxes on the counter. "I've waited four months to be here and to see you. I'm not letting some stupid runny nose stop me."

"I'm not going to be any fun." You sniff, eyes watering heavily. "I'm just going to sleep and be miserable."

Shawn rolls his eyes. "I know you. You'll want to watch Lion King and drink peppermint tea until you're so tired you pass out. I'm prepared for that."

"Wow. Just read me like a book why don't you?"

He grins. "Go sit down. I'll make some tea and we'll talk and catch up."

"We talk everyday."

"But it's different when we're together."

"Yeah but..." You chew on your lip and he lays his hand on your shoulder. "Never mind. Thank you for coming over."

"You'd do the same for me." He cups your cheek and you turn your eyes up at him, sure that you must look terrible. "You're welcome."

His soft gaze breaks you. You step forward and wrap your arms around him, pressing your face to his chest. Your fingers curl tight into his shirt and he holds your head with both hands.

"I missed you," he says, fingers working into your hair and scratching at your scalp with his blunt fingertips. "Things aren't the same without you."

"I missed you too." You murmur, eyes closed and you can almost, just barely, smell his cologne. Maybe your one nostril is unblocked. Maybe...just maybe you just want to be immersed in that familiar scent so bad it's appearing in your mind.

_____________________

Shawn spends the rest of the day with you. He makes you tea and warm whiskey spiked drinks. You watch the Lion King, Mulan and Moana. Just after six the sun starts to slip behind the horizon, your living room becoming dark. Shawn's arm finds its way around your shoulders and he leans his head on your head. You want to tell him. You need to tell him how you feel.

"Tomorrow is Christmas."

You nod slightly. "Sure is."

"My parents are in Barbados." Shawn chuckles. "It was a gift for their anniversary, but the cruise got rescheduled. I was surprised when they said they'd be gone for Christmas. It's not like mom to miss it."

"Maybe they just really needed a vacation."

Shawn sits up and runs a hand over his unruly long hair. "Probably. I know mom's been having a hell of a time finding clients for work. And dad...dad is always working hard, a hundred and fifty percent everyday." He sighs. "I'm glad they taught me a good work ethic y'know, but I wish they'd take it easy. It's not like it was when Aaliyah and I were kids. They don't have to try so hard."

You lay your hand on Shawn's and he turns it over, threading his fingers between yours and rubbing absentmindedly with his thumb. "I suppose parents always want to provide for their kids, even if they are rockstars." You giggle and he gives you a look.

He hates when you call him rockstar. He says it feels like it cheapens things, makes you less than him. He doesn't want you to think of him as a rockstar but as your best friend.

"Are you parents flying in for the holiday?"

You shake your head. "No, they couldn't afford it this year."

"Why'd they move to Florida again?"

"Mom wanted to live on the beach." You roll your eyes and he squeezes your hand. "Dad also got a job down there with the construction company he works for."

"Ah. So, do you want to spend Christmas together?"

"I figured that was the plan." You look to the window where it's snowing heavily outside. "I didn't think you'd want to drive home across Toronto in this weather."

"I don't." Shawn pulls his hand away to brush his hair back with it while he reaches for his drink. "I don't mind taking the couch."

"You know what you need?" You say, getting up and going over to the kitchen. You grab a few hair ties out of the bowl that holds your keys. "These."

"Ponytails?"

"Yeah. Your hair is ridiculous and you keep pushing it out of your face every two minutes." You stand in front of him and he leans forward for you. Skillfully you gather up the top of his hair into two little pig tails on the top of his head. He looks outrageous and you can't help the ugly laugh that burbles out.

"I look stupid don't I?" Shawn asks, half laughing at your reaction. He stands and looks in the decorative mirror beside the TV. "Ohmygod. This is my new look." He turns to look at you where you've collapsed on the couch laughing and struggling to breath through your clogged nose. "Goodbye headbands, hello pigtails."

"Stop! Shawn I'm gonna die!"

"Nope. You did this." He poses, peace sign over his face while making duck lips. "High fashion baby."

You start coughing, laughter quickly succumbing to a wheezing fit and hacking. You down the rest of your tea, just warm from sitting on the table too long, and take a few deep breaths.

Shawn drops to his knees beside you, hand on your chest. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I made you laugh too hard, I'm so sorry. What can I do? How do I help?"

"I'm fine, I'm fine." You cough a few more times and grab Shawn's mug, downing his drink. "I just laughed too hard. It's alright. I'm okay, just a little tired now."

"Come on, let's settle back down on the couch." Shawn grabs your arms and sits you up right on the sofa. "I'll grab some extra blankets and we'll sleep out here."

"But-"

"No buts. I'll be right back."

You close your eyes and lean your head back on the cushions. You're dying. Sickness is wreaking havoc on your body. Shawn's wreaking havoc on your heart, and you're absolutely destroying your mental capacity with liquor and cough medicine. You can't wait. You have to tell Shawn. It's now or never. Balls to the wall. You just have to-

"Are you okay?" Shawn's voice breaks through your thoughts and you open your eyes. "You look a little out of it."

"I love you."

"I love you too?" He says sinking down on the couch and flopping the blankets he was carrying over your lap. "What's with the sudden affection?"

"No, I mean-" You hold your head as it throbs. Maybe whiskey and NyQuil don't mix. In fact, you know they don't. "I am in love with you."

"I know."

"W-what?"

Shawn brushes your hair back off your clammy face and looks at you with those soft hazel brown eyes you adore. "I've known for a long time.”

“I-I Wha-”

“It's okay, don’t panic. I'm in love with you too. I know I always said that when the time comes I'll know, and I can't pinpoint the moment it happened but one day I woke up and I realized my whole world is waiting for me in a tiny apartment in Toronto." He chuckles. "I've been working on a way to tell you, a way to make it work with my job. I haven't found that way yet, and I hoped you would wait for me, though I didn't expect that. So I never told you. I couldn't- I won't hurt someone like that, especially not you."

"I-I don't know what to say." You stare at him, unsure of your reality as your head swims. Is this real? Did you fall asleep? Are you in some kind of cold medicine induced mini coma? "I'm asleep aren’t I?"

"You're not." Shawn presses his hand to your forehead. "You've got a fever though."

"This isn't real. You're not even here. I'm going crazy." You slump over and Shawn covers you with blankets. "I'm just coping aren't I? Stressed myself out so far that I'm dreaming of telling you the truth."

"You're awfully self aware for a dream."

"That's just what dream Shawn would say."

He chuckles. "I'm getting you some Advil. Relax and I'll be right back with a very real glass of water and two very real pain relievers."

You close your eyes once more and quickly you begin to drift off to sleep. You vaguely remember Shawn sitting your head up to take the Advil and water. But after that everything is a blur of sleep and muddled nonsense dreams.

_____________________

Christmas morning you wake up on the couch. Your body is stiff, achy from sickness and the unsupportive couch cushions. Beside you is a glass of water and some cold medicine on the coffee table. There is a lump of blankets by the other end of the couch and you can see a mop of hair sticking out, two pigtails very visible.

Then reality hits you. If you're waking up now with Shawn asleep in your living room that means last night was very real. It means...you confessed your feelings and Shawn, well, he confessed them back. Excitement, hope and terror are quite a cocktail of emotions. They make your stomach lurch, your heart flutter and your hands shake. What happens now? Where do things go from here?

"Hey," Shawn's groans, peeking over his blankets at you. "How's the fever?"

"Good? I think? I just woke up."

"Mmm." He sits up and stretches. "It's Christmas."

"Yeah." You look over to the tree in the corner where there are boxes from your parents, your sister and Shawn all waiting to be unwrapped. "I can wait though."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to be the only one to unwrap gifts."

Shawn laughs and grabs a few of the boxes from under the tree. "I brought my gifts too, the ones my parents and Aaliyah left for me at my apartment."

"Oh. I thought you brought all of those for me, I thought it was a lot but I didn't want to say anything."

"No." Shawn passes you a box with your name on it. "You definitely deserve this many, but I didn't go crazy."

"You've been crazy." You smile and he gives you a look that turns into a smirk. "Did...did you mean what you said last night?"

"Every word of it." Shawn sits across from you on the couch with his box in his lap. He picks at the paper a bit. "It's okay, like if you don't want to do anything right now. I know my life is insane and yours isn't anywhere near as hectic." He chews his lower lip. "I couldn't ever ask you to commit to my life and the distance and-"

"Shawn."

"Yes?"

"We'll figure it out."

His eyes light up and he stares at you, seemingly bewildered. "You want to try? You want to be in a relationship? With me? I-I'm- you're sure?"

"Shawn I haven't wanted anything more in the last year. We already make the distance work as friends. What's the difference in doing it as a couple?" You sniff and wipe your eyes that are watering from your clogged sinuses. "I think the distance has only made us stronger friends and-"

Shawn leans in to kiss you, hands on your legs and you stop him at the last second with your fingers against his lips. "Please?" he murmurs.

"You're so dumb."

"Because I'm going to kissing you and you're sick?"

"Yes."

He grins and grabs your face, pressing his forehead against yours. "I guess we'll just have to be the couple that shares everything."

"This is not what that means."

"I don't care." He tries to kiss you again and you groan, stopping him. "Shawn, you're gonna get sick."

"I don't care." Another attempted kiss. "I've waited a long time for this."

You cup his face and push him back a bit so he will stop trying to infect himself. “I have too but I'm not going to kiss you and get you sick. And when you've got this cold I will not kiss you then either."

"Yeah you will. Don't lie."

"I won't." You giggle and he pushes forward, leaning you back until you're laying against the arm of the couch with his body covering yours. "Is this for real?"

"Very real." He kisses your nose. "I don't want to wait." He kisses your head. "I've been alone for a long while this feels...it feels so right. Please let me kiss you."

"Alright." You close your eyes and he presses his lips to yours. It's soft, sweet and everything you ever imagined. "Happy?"

"Yes," he whispers, smiling against your lips. "Merry Christmas darling."

You giggle at the pet name. He knows it's one of your favourites. "Merry Christmas Shawn."

End

______________________

Thank you for reading! Please reblog if you enjoyed this and reblog to support and encourage myself and fellow writers. - A

*****Note: none of my works should be posted anywhere outside of my linked accounts. I do not give permission to repost with or without credit to my accounts. Please notify me of any reposted fics.*****

[ericsonclan]

The Words I Always Wanted to Say

Summary

Overall Word Count

Chapter 1: The day of the proposals arrives with neither member of the couple suspecting what's in store.

Aasim had felt like puking all day. It wasn’t the sort of mood he’d hoped to be in on the day of his proposal, but he knew deep inside that postponing it wouldn’t make him feel any better. He’d already rescheduled three times and each day that was supposed to be the day had brought the same queasiness. His nerves would get to him no matter what. He simply had to power through.

Still, if he waited a bit longer then maybe he could rethink the whole picnic aspect of the proposal and spare his stomach the struggle…. No. Clementine would kill Aasim if he told her he was moving back his plans again. She’d already given him enough grief about the ring he’d held onto for a year. If he rescheduled for a fourth time, Clem wouldn’t need to throw Aasim to the walkers. She’d bite off his head herself.

Walking toward the front of the courtyard, Aasim spotted the object of his affections, his one true love. Ruby was making conversation with Clementine, something about the weather and what they should do about the vegetable garden if things got too stormy. Clementine spotted Aasim coming their way and excused herself, giving Aasim a knowing look before walking off. She and Omar were going hunting today.

Ruby noticed Aasim coming toward her a moment later. Turning toward him with a smile, she started to speak just as he did.

“Do you-” Both of them paused, waiting for the other to speak but the silence lasted a moment too long and they both started again. “I wanted to ask-” They stopped again, chuckling at their timing.

“You go first,” Ruby said, waiting patiently.

Aasim cleared his throat, swallowing the lump in it before he spoke again. “I was thinking today would be lovely for a picnic. Are you free?”

Ruby’s brows furrowed slightly. “Well, actually, I had some work I needed to finish up in the greenhouse,”

“I can wait,” Aasim leaned back against the picnic table, trying his best to look casual.

“Actually, it could take a while. Maybe you’d like to join me?” A small smile played on Ruby’s lips.

“…No. We need to do the picnic. Now,”

“But you just said you could wait,”

“I-I lied!” Aasim could feel his face heating up. This was a terrible start. Maybe he should abort today’s proposal after all.

Just as Ruby was about to say something further though, Prisha’s hand appeared on Ruby’s shoulder. “It’s alright, Ruby. I can make sure everything is sorted out in the greenhouse. It’ll be ready for you once you’re done with your picnic,” She looked meaningfully into the redhead’s eyes till Ruby sighed and nodded.

“Alright. It can wait a bit longer, I guess,” Turning back to Aasim, she slipped her warm hand into his. “Now whereabouts did you say this picnic was?”

“If you’ll just follow me…” Aasim turned toward the admin building, his breathing gradually returning to normal. His heart however still beat a frantic staccato within his chest. As they walked, he looked down at his love. “I’m sorry if I was forceful back there. It wasn’t my intention,”

“I know,” Ruby gave her boyfriend’s hand a small squeeze, a soft smile on her face. “It’s sweet of you to put a surprise together for me. My plans can wait,”

“As soon as our picnic is done, I can head over to the greenhouse with you and help finish up whatever work needs to be done,”

“That’d be heavenly,” The sparkle in Ruby’s eyes set Aasim’s heart fluttering. He knew how much the greenhouse meant to her. And time spent together after the proposal, just the two of them, sharing kisses over the planters full of turnips and tubers, would be the perfect ending to what Aasim hoped would be a truly magical day.

Ascending the staircase within the admin building, the pair made their way to the headmaster’s office. Ruby looked round in mild confusion. “Are we grabbing snacks from here and then heading out?”

“Actually, I had a special spot in mind for our picnic today,” Aasim nodded toward the double doors that led out to the balcony. Ruby quirked an eyebrow then headed over to the closed doors. Opening them slowly, she gasped when she saw the spread set out before them.

A faded gingham picnic blanket held the treasure trove of treats Aasim had amassed in the last few weeks. A multi-tiered tea tray constructed out of welded pieces of scrap metal held a multitude of tiny sandwiches. Each was composed out of a pair of old saltines with various fillings in the center from sliced spam to stewed rabbit Omar had prepped in the fashion of pulled pork to garden veggie sandwiches with all manner of fresh vegetables nestled between the stale crackers. Beside the tea tray lay their three teapots, each chipped and broken but still retaining their original dignity and grace. The varied aromas drifting from them told Ruby they each held a different blend of tea. Their finest set of china was also stacked neatly to the side, ready for fine dining. A cracked porcelain container held a good portion of the sparse supply of sugar the group had stowed away accompanied by a small jar Ruby knew to be the last of their honey. A huge bouquet composed of various wildflowers gave the finishing touch to the romantic display.

“Oh, Aasim…” Ruby was at a loss for words as she took everything in.

Silently, Aasim wrapped his arms round Ruby and gently kissed her cheek as he hugged her from behind. “I wanted to put together a surprise worthy of you,”

“This is all too much! Why, if we use up the last of the sugar-”

“Then I’ll trade for more. Don’t worry, my dove. I always find a way,” Loosening his embrace, Aasim sat upon the picnic blanket and motioned for Ruby to do the same.

The two of them settled in for a decadent lunch, both of them eating their fill as the world went by around them, the clouds drifting lazily across the warm, sunny sky as the day went on. As Aasim poured another cup of chamomile tea for Ruby, he found himself lost for a moment in her bright blue eyes. He really could stay like this forever with her. And that’s exactly what this proposal meant: a promise of forever. Not just for things to stay the same but for them to build a future together. Feeling the panic rise within once more, Aasim did his best to keep his composure.

“Something bugging ya, Pookie?” Ruby looked at Aasim over the rim of her teacup as she took a sip.

“It’s nothing, my love,” Aasim paused for a moment, looking out at the courtyard below. Willy was on watch with AJ beside him. Both boys were chatting excitedly, clearly intrigued by something just beyond the walls. Likely a funny looking walker knowing those two. Louis and Violet were at the picnic benches, Louis mending a pair of pants while Violet worked on one of the rabbit hides she was in the process of tanning. Prisha had just emerged from the cellar with a box full of metal pipes balanced in her good arm, likely continuing her seemingly endless quest to restore the school’s plumbing. Turning back to Ruby, Aasim grinned. “Do you know why I chose the balcony for our picnic today?”

“The view?” Ruby mused, glancing through the repair section of the railing down at their friends below.

“That was certainly a factor, but not entirely the full reason. I wanted us to have our lunch up here in order to celebrate all we’ve accomplished. From up here you can see it all: the greenhouse, the vegetable garden, the paddock for Molly, Milky Way and Comet. Even a few years ago, we didn’t have any of those things. It shows how far we’ve come, and I think a primary factor in our success is each other. Together, you and I truly can accomplish anything, even returning a former wilderness to civilization,”

Ruby nodded, admiring their work along with Aasim. “We certainly have accomplished a lot these past few years. And that’s thanks in no small part to you. I don’t think anybody could compete with your work ethic, ‘Sim, not even me,”

“Oh, I doubt that,” Aasim turned back to Ruby, his eyes on her. “Perhaps it isn’t the most romantic thing to say, but one of the things that first drew me to you was seeing how hard you worked. Every day, rain or shine, without fail. At first I thought it was simply a matter of pride, as it is with me. But the longer I observed you, the more I realized why you really work so hard. It’s out of love. You work so that those you love can have better lives and I can’t think of anything nobler than that,”

“Sounds like you were watching me for quite some time,” Ruby looked down at the picnic blanket, her cheeks ruddier than usual. “Now that I think about it, I never asked you what the moment was that made you realize you were falling for me,”

“I don’t think it was any one moment. For a long time, I saw my admiration of you simply as mutual respect. But as the years went on, my feelings gradually shifted into something more. Seeing you grow from the girl who stole my pencil case on my first day at Ericson into such a beautiful, fiery woman of integrity and valor, I can’t remember when I crossed that line from liking to loving you. But I do know this, Ruby O’Donnel. I have loved you for a long, long time,”

Reaching into his pocket, Aasim pulled out the wedding ring. He’d spent the last few weeks polishing it night after night till it glowed with its original radiance once more. It was far too large for Ruby’s finger, likely a man’s ring before, but the beauty of the symbol was there nonetheless. Shifting so that he knelt with one knee forward just as he’d always seen it done in books and long-lost movies, Aasim held up the ring in both hands. “Ruby, my love, will you marry me?”

Ruby was quiet for a second. Then another. Aasim could feel his heart pounding in his ears as he held his pose wondering if someway, somehow, this had been the wrong move to make. Finally, Ruby broke the silence. “I want to show you something. Come with me,”

She could tell Aasim was nervous. Hell, she would be too if he’d left her high and dry after asking the question first. Ruby felt a twinge of guilt at leaving him so perplexed just for the sake of her pride, but she couldn’t say yes just yet. There was something she needed to do first, the very thing she’d been planning in the greenhouse before Aasim sprung the surprise picnic upon her. It wasn’t far to the greenhouse. Once they were there, he’d see why she’d brought him.

The courtyard was empty as they walked through it and the area surrounding the greenhouse too. Aasim looked more and more nervous with each step he took but followed Ruby willingly, obliging her when she opened the greenhouse door for him and motioned for Aasim to enter first. As soon as he did, Aasim let out a reverent gasp.

The entire greenhouse was aglow with candlelight. Mason jars of purple, red and green covered every inch of the space, lined up along the shelves, on the edges of planters, tucked along the sides of the walkways and even a few suspended above them. Some strands of twinkle lights also ran along the bases of the planters, bartered in a recent trade Aasim had been a part of. Flower petals were scattered over the ground, all leading to a central point before their feet. The petals there formed a simple message: I love you.

“Do you like it?” Ruby whispered, causing Aasim to turn round.

“Ruby, I… it’s glorious,” Aasim’s voice caught a bit, his eyes watering lightly.

“Now that you’ve seen it, I bet you’ve figured out why I wanted to go so badly to the greenhouse earlier today. And why I didn’t want to say yes just yet. Cause first I want to say my piece,” Clearing her throat, Ruby pulled out a neatly folded piece of paper from her pocket and began to read. “My love, I can’t remember the first time my eyes turned in your direction in that special way. I’d always thought you were cute, but considering that our early days started with me being more than a bit of a bully to ya, I never thought anything would come of that. Then the world fell apart and we were both so busy surviving I didn’t even let myself believe love was anywhere in my future.

But somewhere along the way, deep within my heart of hearts, I think I always wanted it to be you. Truth be told, our first kiss might have happened a couple days sooner if you’d just asked more politely. I’m happy with the way things ended up though. I’ll never forget our first kiss and I’ll never stop thanking the good Lord you came back to me that day.

This has been something I’ve wanted to do for a while. More than a while, probably from the very start. But I had all sorts of silly thoughts in my head that you had to be the one to propose first or it wouldn’t be proper. That was all a load of horse apples though. So, I put all this together to ask you a question, a question I hope you’ll answer the way I’ve been dreaming. Aasim…” Ruby paused, fishing something out of her pocket. Lifting it up, she revealed a tiny, glittery pink ring, so small it would probably only fit on Aasim’s pinky. “Will you marry me?”

“Yes! Yes!” Before either of them could say anything further, Aasim cupped Ruby’s face and pressed his lips to hers in a deep kiss. That kiss turned to another then another till finally Aasim pulled back and took the ring Ruby had offered. Slipping it as far down as it would go onto his pinky, Aasim held his hand out to admire it.

“Darn, it’s an even worse fit than I thought,” Ruby mumbled. “I’ve been searching all over God’s green earth for a proper ring of some sort and all I could scrounge up was this dress up ring I had from way back before the school even fell,”

“I love it,” Reaching toward the table behind her, Aasim grabbed a length of twine and the gardening shears and snipped off a portion of it. Slipping the ring onto the twine, he tied it around his neck, letting the ring rest just below the zipper on his hoodie. “Honestly, mine is probably an awful fit too. It’s embarrassing really,”

“Are you kidding? You propose with a bona fide gold ring while I use a cereal box prize and you’re acting as if it’s the same thing?” Ruby shook her head, taking the twine and scissors from him and cutting her own piece. Gingerly taking the ring from Aasim, Ruby looped it though the twine then tied it round her neck where it lay snugly just below the collar of her shirt.

The two of them smiled at each other, lost in the happiness of the moment before chuckles escaped their lips.

“I can’t believe it,” Aasim murmured, shaking his head. “For both of us to choose the exact same day… what are the odds? When you didn’t answer my proposal and brought me down to the greenhouse instead, I wasn’t sure what to expect, perhaps a rejection, but certainly not this.”

“Now that’s the silliest thing I ever heard!” Ruby exclaimed, lightly whacking her betrothed on the arm. “As if I’d ever say no to you! I just didn’t want you to steal my thunder!” Her eyes turned to the greenhouse, admiring the décor. “Thank goodness Prisha knew the last few pieces of the plan to get this greenhouse gussied up. I don’t know what would have happened without her help,”

“Prisha knew? She and Willy were the ones who made that tea tray for the picnic! She was in on both plans,” Aasim looked toward the door. “Was she the only one who helped you set this up?”

“Well, Louis was involved too. He was the first one I told about the proposal,”

“And if Louis knew then Clementine knew. Clem was the first one I confided in about the ring,”

The couple shared a look. How far did the others’ involvement go? The courtyard had suddenly been empty as they were heading toward the greenhouse. Was it still empty now? Hand in hand, the pair opened the door and stepped outside.

The courtyard was no longer empty after all. In fact, everyone was there. The others stood round one of the picnic tables, chattering excitedly. As soon as they saw Aasim and Ruby though, they suddenly went quiet. That was until AJ stepped forward.

“Happy wedding!” he shouted, tossing a handful of tinsel into the air. Willy joined him, throwing his own handful and blowing enthusiastically on an old kazoo.

“Boys, remember, it’s ‘happy engagement,’” Prisha corrected gently before her eyes returned to the happy pair. “Congratulations, you two. We couldn’t be happier for you,”

“It’s like I’m giving away my own children,” Louis commented, wiping a mock tear from his eye. “They grow up so fast,”

Clementine shook her head good-naturedly, taking Louis’ hand in hers. “Congratulations, both of you. Seeing as we all knew both your plans, we’ve been working on a little surprise of our own,”

“It’s PANCAKE DAY!” Willy shouted, jumping around ecstatically. Omar lifted up a plate of pancakes that had been hidden on the picnic benches, Violet holding a second plate. Both of them smiled at the happy couple.

Aasim and Ruby shared a smile of their own then stepped forward, joining the group for the celebratory feast. The day hadn’t gone how either of them had expected, yet it had blossomed into something more beautiful than they’d ever dreamed. As Ruby sat down at the picnic table, Aasim’s hand in hers, her family surrounding her, her cheeks glowed with excitement. “Let’s get to planning some weddings!”

[ma-gic-gay]

The kiss had complicated things.

Asking for an anullment had complicated it even more.

This was just supposed to be a marriage of convenience, a marriage built upon keeping Wiley safe from everything that could hurt him. Especially Nelle. They got married to protect him, so Michael could have a better chance in court against her.

After they won sole custody, the psycho bitch had kidnapped him after slashing Brook Lynn's throat. Thankfully, Michael had found them and saved Wiley.

That damn kidnapping is the reason Willow's thinking like this. Well, maybe one good thing came out of that besides extra quality family moments: her kiss with Michael after he'd brought their son back home.

Their son. Willow was officially adopting Wiley. Diane had the paperwork ready to go, all they had to do was sign it tomorrow and then her and Michael would always be in each other's lives, whether they wanted to or not.

She really wanted to be in his life in a bigger way than just a co parent for Wiley. As much as she loved that little boy, and there was no way to put the love she has for him into words, she didn't want to be the parent who's house he goes to on the weekends or a visitor to him. Granted, Michael would never let that happen. He was too kind, too perfect when it came to that, amongst other things. Michael wanted to make sure that their family stays just that, a family. Dysfunctional to an extent, yes, but a family.

It's almost like everyone is yelling for them to get together. Even his grandmother and brother who had met Willow ten seconds before saying how obviously happy she made his little brother.

Maybe she's just overthinking this. After all, Michael might still be in love with Sasha. It's completely possible; they were together for a long time.

But...

What if she's not? What if this isn't all in her head, and she's not freaking out and internally losing it over nothing? What if this is real, a genuine connection, and they're just throwing it away?

Dante said something about this when they'd met, in between quick witted remarks about the dysfunction she had married into. He'd actually said a lot of important things, she thinks.

"I'd ask my little brother if you make him happy, but you obviously do. I can see it written all over his face," Dante had said as soon as they were introduced.

Michael had brought up getting an annulment as opposed to a divorce, which she explained had been in part because they didn't have any irreconcilable differences. "Well, I just got here, so what do I know, but you two seem pretty happy together. And compatible- genuinely, that's a rare thing! But you guys know what's best for you guys."

She couldn't believe it. Each day, their family moments, it felt more and more like normal. Her broken heart had mended, she knew it. When she had to speak to Chase the other day, she didn't feel like she was in love with him anymore. She could look him dead in the eyes and still not feel that spark.

It was a confusing situation in general, with Michael having asked for an annulment after saying how great she was and kept looking at her with that look, the half smile and loving eyes.

How she loved that look. It was becoming a favorite thing of hers, seeing him look at her like that. She didn't know what it was, but if anyone was going to, she figured it would be Dante.

Or she could ask Michael himself. After all, they always promised to tell the truth to each other no matter what happened. Honesty and trust were the foundation of their marriage. Despite the fact it would be ending a lot sooner than she would've liked, they were still married. Rules still applied.

And that's how she ended up waiting anxiously in the foyer for her husband to come home. "Hello, Willow. What are you doing?" Dante asks when he walks in the door. "I mean no offense by that, of course, it's just you look like you've got something on your mind. Or, rather, someone. You also look like Lulu back when we were just married and she was so excited to see me at home, so I'm going to guess you're looking for Michael and have something important to tell my little brother."

"I can't get anything past you," she chuckles softly. Dante genuinely cared about the people around him and who made his family happy, that she could see easily.

"So why are you waiting for my brother?"

Willow takes a deep breath, sitting on one of the stairs so she stops pacing. "Well, you look like there's something on your mind. Wanna talk about it?"

Dante let's out a quiet laugh. "You don't want to go first, fine, I will. I just saw Lulu at the Floating Rib. She was there for Maxie's engagement party, I guess. Something I was not invited to, since she didn't know I was back in town. Anyways, we were chatting and then Dustin walked in. He was talking about a PTA meeting. I knew they were serious, but I had no clue that they were serious enough he's on the PTA."

"Dustin's not on the PTA, he's a teacher. He had to make a presentation. I know because I'm a teacher too. I get kids who have been transfers from his school." Willow informs him, watching as relief goes over her brother-in-law's face.

"That's good, but still. He then offered to start getting to know me, practically insinuating that I'm just some dude he has to deal with in Lulu's life. It feels like a bad love triangle, the first of many you'll experience as Wiley's mother. I don't know, I don't like the guy," Dante sighs.

"I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but to be honest, his reviews are meh at best. The kids like him, for sure, but I don't know. Haven't made up my decision about him yet," she smiles.

Smiling back, Dante says, "Well, you've got to tell me now. What are you so desperate to tell Michael you're pacing like a newlywed who needs sex?"

She bursts out laughing. "You're blunt, Dante. Lulu isn't going to pick Dustin, you know that."

"It's Lulu Spencer. I'd like to think I know her, but I don't know. She's... Changed since I last saw her. In a good way, but still, change is change. Peter offered me a job where we might be working together, so there's that. Anyways, enough of me. You're not getting out of talking about Michael anymore."

Willow playfully glares at Dante. "Fine. I'm going to tell him that I don't want an annulment."

A huge smile breaks out onto Dante's face. "Thank God, I was half convinced you weren't going to tell him or he wasn't going to tell you."

"Wait, Michael doesn't want one either?" Willow asks, confused. He had been sending mixed signals for a while now, but so had she. Her feelings were... Complex, that'd be the ideal phrase to describe them. She didn't know if she loved him yet, nor did she want to rush into that or anything, but there was an attraction she couldn't shake to him.

"Wow, Willow. You're both the most oblivious people on the planet. You're perfect for each other," Dante laughs. "Of course he doesn't want an annulment! Have you seen the way he looks at you lately? That's not how you look at your friend, or convenient wife. That's how you look at someone you love! I've only seen the two of you together a couple of times, but my big bro instincts are telling me that he's doing his thing where he doesn't go for what he wants."

Willow laughs along with him. "That's so frustrating, right? He won't allow himself to have anything good without overthinking it."

As they're laughing, Michael walks in. "What's so funny?" He asks Willow and Dante, confused.

"It's not even really funny, it's just that- Michael, I'm going to let you two speak for a minute. I've got to get to... Somewhere that's not here," Dante excuses himself.

That was weird, Michael thinks as Willow stands. "Is it just me or is he asking weird?"

Willow smiles, "He's not, but we do have to talk."

Taking a deep breath, Michael nods his agreement. "Okay, you wanna go to the living room so we can sit for this conversation, because I've got something to tell you too."

"Me first," Willow says as she sits on the couch next to him. "Michael, I don't want an annulment."

Michael breathes a sigh of relief, "Can I ask why?"

"If you still want to get one, of course we'll get one. But I don't want to. I want to stay married to you and not just because of the house and not cooking or cleaning, which are huge pros. I want to stay married to you because you're kind and loving. You always treat me with respect I didn't know I deserved until we got married. Chase was- he was great, but you don't put work before me, or your family. Family is the most important thing to you, not work or money or any of that stuff. You love Wiley as much as I do, and you're the only person who understands what it's like to be dealing with this stuff as a parent, and as a person. He's not just something that comes with me for you, he's someone important and who you love. I don't feel like I'm a second choice, or that I'm too needy, or that I've got to reschedule my plans so you can do something. And with Chase, it didn't always feel like that. You found out about something I loved and instantly found a broker to get the best wine selections because you wanted me to be able to have that back. Look, what I'm trying to say is I like you, Michael."

There's a quiet in the room as Michael takes in everything Willow just said to him. "As in romantically?" He asks, still processing what he just heard from her.

"Yes, romantically. And I get it if you don't feel the same, it's just that I feel like you might because you're acting like you're into me sometimes and you did say that I was everything you could've hoped for so I guess I just wanted to say this. I Also, Dante was surprisingly helpful in getting me to be able to say this to you," Willow smiles anxiously at the man sat next to her on the couch.

His brain is going a million miles an hour, trying to properly process everything. Willow can't deal with the silence, however, and starts rambling: "If you're trying to think of an easy way to let me down, Michael, just do it flat out. No harm, no foul. It doesn't change what I feel, but it will make me feel less embarrassed about putting you in such an uncomfortable situation."

"You done?" Michael half smirks, and she nods before he kisses her, soft yet perfect. Willow can feel herself falling in love with this kiss, which is arguably better than the other two they've had, as fantastic as they've been.

When they pull away, Michael gives her the look again. It's more intense, but she's realized he's always got it when he's talking to her. "Willow, I like you a lot. I've liked you since we first met, and honestly, I don't know if I ever entirely stopped. The only reason I suggested the annulment is because I knew it would take some time, and because I wanted to know if you wanted to stay married. In my mind, I've always hoped it'd turn out with us together, no matter how real what we both had with Chase and Sasha was. It took me until you accepted my proposal- which, by the way, was absolutely terrible and I'm sorry for that- to realize that I really like you. So I'll call Diane and tell her to call off the annulment."

She smiles. "What does this mean for us, Michael? I can't live in this state of limbo forever."

"I don't know right now. Let's give it a time limit for the state of limbo: Wiley's 2nd birthday. It's a few months away, which is plenty of time to figure it out and still not feel like we're rushing through anything."

"Sounds... Perfect."

You should post this!!!

[quicksilversquared]

Everyday Heroes

Marinette is always looking for ways to help, whether it be with bringing a student's concerns to the principal as class president, mending a torn jacket, or stepping up to babysit. For her second Heroes Day as a superhero, though, she's going the extra distance so that she can help even more in emergencies.

ft. Everyday Superhero Marinette and her fabulous influence on the class.

links in the reblog

-------------

When the second Heroes Day of her superhero career came around, Marinette was no less taken off guard than she had been the first time. The days had blurred past in a blur of school, superheroing, and trying to balance the two with extracurricular activities, and so it really wasn't her fault for maybe thinking that it was another week away, maybe, or maybe a month.

This time, though, Marinette had a good deed in mind, something that she had been considering for a while now but hadn't actually gotten around to doing yet. Which was good, because once again, her teacher was putting everyone on the spot by asking them what they would be doing to give back to the city or at least the community around them.

And once again, expectations for her would no doubt be high.

"And Marinette?" Ms. Bustier asked, smile expectant as she turned to her. "What is your good deed this year?"

Marinette smiled, sitting up straighter as she answered. "This year, I've decided to take a CPR and First Aid class from the Red Cross so that I can know what to do in an emergency!" She wouldn't be administering first aid during an akuma attack, of course- Ladybug needed to have her priorities, of course, and while there were other people who knew first aid or could at least figure it out in Paris, there were only so many superheroes in the city- but it might come in handy during babysitting or if she happened across any emergencies during her day-to-day life. "And I want to talk to the instructor about possibly doing a class here at school, too, because the more people there are who know how to react in an emergency, the better!"

Ms. Bustier looked impressed. "That's a very good idea, Marinette! That reminds me that I need to get recertified, too- I took a class a few years ago, but I think the certification only lasts for two years or so."

Marinette nodded. That was right. It hadn't sounded like a particularly long time to her, but the site had explained that it was necessary, since people tended to forget information over time and had to be refreshed so that they could act quickly and safely.

"Perhaps you could do a presentation on what you learned after you've taken the class," Ms. Bustier suggested. "You probably can't do specifics, since people need to learn that from a certified instructor, but what people might do to help?"

Marinette nodded eagerly. It would get her classmates interested, which was a good thing. Even if she couldn't get a class at the school- maybe one with a discount, because those classes were not cheap and some students might not be willing or able to pay that much- then there was the chance that people wouldn't be quite as intimidated by the concept as before and would go seek out a class on their own. Then they could help people who got injured during akuma attacks, patching up scrapes and sprains and cuts that they got while trying to flee from the akumas.

"That training is a good deed that can keep on giving," Ms. Bustier finished, smiling. "Thank you, Marinette. Now Alya, what is your good dead for Heroes Day?"

                               -----------------------------------------

 Marinette hadn't even taken her class yet, and already she was generating some interest. Several of her classmates had told her how cool it was that she was taking the course, and Rose had announced that she wanted to take it, too. Even Adrien had come up and told her that it wasn't something that he had thought of before, but he was definitely interested in the idea of learning first aid and being able to help out if something happened.

"You're definitely our class's Everyday Ladybug," he added with a grin. "Always looking for ways to help. I don't think anyone else had even thought of getting certified before, but I know there's more people than just me who are thinking about taking the class now. I'm really interested in hearing what all you learn about!"

Of course, before she could tell Adrien what she learned, Marinette actually had to take the class first. While she had been thinking about it for a while now, she hadn't done that much digging yet- she hadn't had the time- and what she was finding…

Well, it looked like it might be difficult to manage.

The classes that Marinette was seeing were all pretty long. Like, hours and hours and hours. It would be all too easy for an akuma attack to come up during that time, and then she would have to step away and then she wouldn't get her certification. Or an akuma would strike before the class could start, and she would be late and then not be able to take the class, and there would go that fee down the drain, with nothing to show for it.

"There have to be options for people who can't make a ton of space in their schedule," Tikki said as Marinette groaned, face-down on her desk. "I mean, people who work nights or have long shifts or whatever."

"You would think so, but I'm not seeing anything." Already, visions of not being able to fulfill her Heroes Day good dead for the second year in a row were dancing before her eyes, and she slumped further. She shouldn't have added that bit about asking about hosting a class at the school, because now people were going to ask and make sure that she followed up on it. If she hadn't, they would gradually forget, just as everybody else's Heroes Day good deeds were forgotten by the next day. "I'm going to have to take a whole-day class over a weekend or a holiday and just hope for the best."

Above her head, Tikki was still inspecting the screen. "One second- Marinette, can I have the mouse? I want to check something."

Obediently, Marinette's hand slid off of the mouse, giving it over to her kwami. As Tikki swooped down on it, Marinette raised her head up a couple centimeters to watch. Tikki scrolled up, up, up to the top of the page, then clicked on a button labeled course format. Immediately, three options popped up: in-person, online, and combo. She clicked.

"It says that fully online doesn't really give full certification," Tikki reported after a second. "But the combo online and in-person does, and-" she clicked on the option, then waited for the page to finish loading- "the in-person section of the combo is only an hour long."

Marinette straightened immediately. "Really?"

"Really! That shouldn't be too hard to manage!"

Re-energized, Marinette started checking the dates that Tikki had pulled up. Some she couldn't do- she already missed enough school with akuma attacks, she didn't need to skip on purpose- but others were during her lunch break or after school or on weekends, each only an hour long.

And- even better!- there was a note on each of the class listings that she was looking at, recognizing that sometimes people couldn't get to their scheduled class due to akuma attacks and if that happened, to just call the Paris office's number to reschedule the in-class section without having to repay.

Perfect.

"Give yourself plenty of time to do the online section!" Tikki reminded Marinette as she continued scrolling through the times and dates, completely eager and reenergized. "You have class and projects and outings with your friends and superhero-ing to do already, and you're going to need to take notes as you go for your presentation to the class."

"Right." Marinette scanned the list again, mentally striking some of the options out. If she went too soon, she would have to rush through the online section. If she waited too long… well, Chloe would no doubt make a Big Deal out of it, claiming that she was trying to back out of her good deed for the second year in the row.

Which was unfair, really- Chloe's good deed was always something dumb that any normal person would do automatically, like 'not insulting others'. It never involved any effort or extra time on her part. And Marinette had tried the previous year, she really had, but…

Well, even the best intentions didn't always work out.

"Maybe I can do just over two weeks out," Marinette decided. "There's one over lunch break that has lots of spaces, and it doesn't cost nearly as much as some of the others. I'll ask Maman to sign me up for it later."

"That sounds good!" Tikki agreed. "Just over two weeks gives you three weekends. As long as you don't over-commit yourself, you should be fine!"

"Well, you know me," Marinette said with a laugh. "I like overcommitting myself. It's not a busy time of the year in classes, at least. That helps."

"Good!" Tikki spun in a circle, then flew down to perch on Marinette's shoulder. "Okay, so now that that's sorted out- do you want to start on your homework, on start making up a slideshow for your presentation? You could put some stats on the first slide or two as a lead-in!"

"Homework, I think," Marinette said with a laugh. "That has a deadline, and the PowerPoint doesn't. But that's a good suggestion, Tikki! Thanks!"

                               -----------------------------------------

 In a stroke of good luck, Marinette finished up the online section of the course with plenty of time and there were no akumas in sight as she headed into the building where her course was. She had a no-nonsense notepad tucked into her bag with all of her notes from the online portion and a whole array of pens and pencils, plus a couple index cards with her contact information in case the instructor thought that running a course at the collège would be possible (one to hand over, two extras in case the first one got misplaced). Marinette was ready for this.

Marinette was not ready to see Adrien Agreste already sitting in one of the seats around the table, his own notebook already in hand.

"Hi, Marinette!" Adrien said happily, lighting up when he saw her. He patted the seat next to himself in invitation, and Marinette sat, unable to resist. "I hope you don't mind me copying your Heroes Day idea. I just thought it was a really, really good idea and then you mentioned when you were going and that this type of class format lets you do a lot of the work ahead of time and how you could reschedule if there was an akuma attack and I don't get out to do this sort of thing often so I thought it would be less intimidating if I did it with a friend, so here I am," he finished, sounding a bit out of breath and more than a little anxious.

Marinette smiled at him. She couldn't deny that having a friend here made things less intimidating for her, too. "That's fine! It is nice to have a familiar face here. And maybe it'll help our cause when I ask about if they could do a class at the collège, if it's not just one of us."

Adrien grinned, relaxing at once. "Okay! I thought that maybe I should have asked you first, but I had already signed up and everything and I couldn't figure out the cancellation stuff."

"No, no, it's fine!"

It didn't take long for their instructor to show up, checking each of them off and making sure that they had completed their online section. Then she started, and Marinette had to hunker down and focus, taking a few notes as review before they moved to the back to practice some of the skills.

As they moved, Adrien stuck close to Marinette's side, anxiously hovering as the instructor pulled out the CPR dummies and demonstrated what they were meant to be doing. Once she had finished a few cycles, she stood back up and told them to partner up and sit down by a dummy.

"Partners?" Adrien asked hopefully, tapping on Marinette's shoulder. Marinette nodded, catching his arm as she moved forward to claim one of the dummies. Their instructor headed around, handing out little kits to each of them.

"This has a practice breathing mask," she told them as she handed one bag to Adrien and another to Marinette. "Don't use them on a real person, they wouldn't provide the protection that a proper one-way one would."

"I'm not gonna lie, when I signed up I was worried that we might be practicing the mouth-to-mouth on each other," Adrien admitted, leaning over so he was speaking directly in Marinette's ear. "And I got an embarrassingly long way into the online section before I realized that there was no way we would be doing that."

Marinette giggled. "Yeah, I think we would have a really hard time getting our classmates to go if they had to do mouth-to-mouth on each other. There's cooties, you know."

The pouty stink-eye that Adrien sent her made Marinette muffle another round of giggles.

With Adrien there to talk to, the class flew by in a flash. Marinette made sure to take plenty of notes, even though a lot of it was information that they had already covered online. She did take particular note, though, of a couple phone apps that she could download that would help her remember what to do in case of an emergency.

Another thing that might help make the class seem more approachable to others. If people had any worries that they might not be able to remember well enough to help out in an emergency, that should help.

"I'm glad I took this," Adrien told Marinette as the class came to a close and everybody started packing up. "It's well worth the price. Are we going to talk to the instructor now?"

"Yeah, once people have cleared away a bit." Marinette glanced around the room. There were several people lingering near the instructor, clearly wanting to ask for clarification about one thing or another. "Because my question will probably take longer than most of the others, and it's not about what we learned in class." She looked at the slowly dwindling line of stragglers, then at the clock, and winced. "Hopefully we'll still have time to eat. I didn't ask Mom if she could make anything for me, since I wasn't sure when I would be getting back."

Adrien perked up. "I was planning on going to a little cafe nearby after this. Want to come with? My treat!"

"Sure!"

"Well, it's nice to see young faces here," their instructor said, coming up to them once the last of the line had left, waving as they went. "We don't see young people often. Did you guys have a question for me?"

"I do," Marinette said, hopping up at once and hoping that she didn't look too flustered. She was Ladybug. She could do this. "I signed up for this class as my good deed for Heroes Day, and there was a lot of interest in it in my class. I'll be doing a presentation during class to try to drum up interest again, and I was wondering if there would be some way to set up a session at the school so that more of my classmates could learn, too."

Their instructor surveyed the two of them, looking a little doubtful. "Well…"

"I'm one of her classmates," Adrien spoke up, getting up as well. "And there really is a lot of interest. I decided to come outside of class, too, and it was all because Marinette brought up the idea. And I know some of our classmates are a little intimidated by the idea of signing up on their own, but they are interested in learning how to be able to respond in an emergency."

"I mean, they could coordinate to come out as a group." Their instructor didn't look entirely convinced. "They might need to schedule for a bit out, since otherwise classes tend to only have a small handful of openings."

"Part of the concern is transportation, I think," Marinette said quickly, even as her gut sank. She had so hoped that this would go off smoothly, but it was starting to look like that was misplaced hope. "It seems like all of the classes that we could get to during lunch break or after school are over here, and it's clear across the city from our school. We're all collège students, so we rely on public transportation. If we miss the bus over because class went late or we couldn't get to the bus stop on time or the bus was late, we don't have other options."

"I'll run the idea past my supervisor," their instructor finally promised. "I'll see what he thinks. Do you have contact information for, ah, your teacher? Or principal?"

"I have my contact info," Marinette said immediately, feeling a little nettled. "I'm class president, I can pass on information to my teacher."

"She's the best class president I've ever seen," Adrien said loyally, and Marinette resisted the urge to blush. He was just trying to back her up, she shouldn't read too far into it. "She's the one who came up with the idea, too."

Their instructor sighed. "All right. If a session at your school is feasible, he'll email."

"Thank you," Marinette said quickly, hoping she didn't sound too let down. She pulled out one of her prepared cards. "This is my email."

Several minutes later, she and Adrien were headed out of the building. Marinette couldn't help the dejected drag to her step. She had so hoped to come back to class today with a strong "maybe" at the very least, ideally a 'yes'. Instead, they got a very doubtful 'maybe'.

"I thought she was being pretty rude," Adrien told Marinette as they headed down the street. "I mean, they want more people certified, right? And I'm sure Mr. Damocles could get a grant to pay for people who are interested to get certified but they can't pay. It's just that this isn't a very convenient location."

"It's really not," Marinette agreed. "I had to rush to get here, because the bus was late." That was a half-lie, actually- she had had to transform and finish the trek as Ladybug, because the midday traffic in Paris had slowed the bus to a crawl. But even though it would have made her points a lot stronger, she couldn't just go and say that. "And the one after school would have the same problem, I bet. And there are weekend options, but people have stuff going on."

Adrien nodded. "Right. And it looked like those sessions fill up first, too, so people could have trouble getting in with their friends." He snagged her arm, tugging her towards a small cafe. "Is Greek okay?"

Marinette managed a bright smile for him. "That sounds fantastic."

It didn't take long for the two of them to order their food and get settled on stools at a counter by the window. By the time they received their food, Marinette was starting to come up with a new plan of attack.

Getting a class set up at the school had never been a given, she had known that. But there was so much interest that she couldn't just not do anything to encourage her classmates to follow through with the training. So maybe they could set their sights on a class that was a ways out- during the summer, maybe- and try to organize so that no one would be going on their own. She knew from experience that sometimes all someone needed was another person to walk them through something- in this case, the sign-up process- to do something like this, so she could still help. She was about to say as much when a blinking light caught her eye. Marinette glanced at her phone just out of habit, then did a double-take when she caught sight of the email she had received. In a sudden scramble, she set her gyro down and dove for her phone again, catching it just as the screen dimmed and opening up the email.

"What is it?" Adrien asked, craning his neck to try to see. "Mari?"

"I got an email from the first aid people!" Marinette said excitedly, pushing her phone over so Adrien could read it, too. "And look!"

Dear Ms. Dupain-Cheng,

Our CPR/AED/First Aid instructor Linda Ricky mentioned your inquiry about having a session at your collège so that more students could get their certification and be ready to respond in case of an emergency. We would certainly be interested in setting up such a session, as we want to get the younger generation involved in our training efforts. We can offer a mixed-format course at a reduced rate for students. Before we set anything up, I would like to know how many students would be interested so that we know if we would need more than one session set up. We can go with either the full CPR/AED/First Aid course or just First Aid depending on interest.

Thank you for joining us and I hope to hear from you soon!

"Oh, they're super interested," Adrien said with a laugh, pushing Marinette's phone back to her. "Good job, Marinette. So what's the next step?"

"Well, I need to get back to them by this evening at the latest," Marinette said, already starting to brainstorm. "Thanking them and trying to get a timeline set up for when I'll get back to them. I need to talk to Ms. Bustier and see when there's time for my presentation. It's mostly ready, I think, I just need to polish it up. And then I need to make sign-up sheets, and those will be up for probably a week. And if we want students from other classes to know about it, that'll probably take more presentations or fliers or something."

Adrien let out a low whistle. "That's a lot. If I can help out with anything, Marinette, just let me know." He grinned. "After all, even an Everyday Ladybug can probably use an Everyday Chat Noir to help out."

                               -----------------------------------------

 Much to Marinette's relief, getting things all lined up for her presentation wasn't anywhere as much work as she had worried. With Adrien's help, she got things polished up and ready to go within a couple days. Ms. Bustier shifted a few things around so that Marinette could so her presentation, and that all went smoothly.

"Before they arrange anything, we need to know who would actually be interested," Marinette told the class at the end of the presentation. "So I have a sign-up sheet that I'll be posting on the whiteboard here, and then I have fliers, too- these were Adrien's idea, so we can get other classes interested, too." Marinette waved one of the aforementioned fliers. She had taken a fairly standard flier for the course and modified it, making it clear that they were hoping to have an opportunity to have the course at the school and where interested parties should sign up. She had also tacked on a FAQ with information answering the questions that she and Adrien had thought up. "I'm hoping to get one in as many classrooms as possible. Obviously there might be some classes here who are too young to take the class yet, so we don't need to get those classrooms, but I'm hoping to make sure that everyone who's old enough to take the class at least knows about the opportunity."

"I can pass those around in the teacher's lounge, Marinette," Ms. Bustier said at once. "That was a very nice presentation, and I hope all of you at least give this opportunity some consideration. It's very possible that none of you will ever need to use any of the skills that you learn during the class, but it's wonderful if you're prepared! It really can save a life."

Marinette beamed as her classmates clapped, unable to resist the urge to duck her head bashfully as she hung up the sign-up sheet and headed back to her seat. Adrien offered her a high-five and she complied with a grin.

"Can we sign up now?" Alya asked at once, sticking her hand up in the air. "Or do we have to wait until the end of class?"

"Well, if you want to sign up now while I set up our lesson for today, you're certainly welcome to," Ms. Bustier told her. "If you need some time to think about it-"

She was cut off as easily half of the class got up, rushing to the front with pencils in hand to sign up. Others were clearly still considering the option. Marinette couldn't hide her grin as she watched. She had suspected that there would be a lot of interested people in her class, just based off of the response after she mentioned it the first time. But this was incredible.

Maybe only Ladybug and Chat Noir could end akuma fights, but with so many students trained to help out others- maybe, just maybe, they could help make the battles just a little bit safer.

[aswithasunbeam]

September 1804

Eliza wrapped her shawl closer around herself as she stood by the edge of the wagon supervising two of their servants guiding Alexander’s stretcher out. A crisp breeze had finally blown through, dispelling the muggy, oppressive summer heat. The colors of fall were dotting the trees at the edge of their property, and she could see from where she stood several red, juicy apples dangling from the trees in the orchard, ripe for the picking.  

“Welcome home!” Gouverneur Morris boomed. He stood on the back porch and waved at them before coming down the steps, his cane and wooden leg clacking loudly as he hurried towards them.

“Good day, Mr. Morris,” she said. She’d seen his carriage as they’d come around back, so she wasn’t particularly surprised to find him waiting. “What brings you from Morrisania?”

“I heard Ham was making his triumphant return today. He must be on the mend if Hosack consented to let him come this far away from medical intervention. I wanted to offer my hearty congratulations.”

“That’s very kind of you,” she said.

Alexander craned his neck up to see his friend. “I’ll be in a better state to entertain if you don’t mind waiting a few minutes. Did no one let you inside?”

“They did, but I don’t want to intrude. I’ll be off in a minute. I only have some gifts you might find useful now that you’re home and on the mend.” Morris waved a hand towards the servant’s entrance, and one of his servants emerged steering a sleek, enclosed cushioned chair set onto four wheels, two large one at the sides and two smaller ones beneath the footrest. “I had it made specially. There’s a belt to keep you in place, and all. Should do the trick. What do you think?”

“It’s…very nice,” Alexander said, though by his tight expression Eliza thought he looked more like a man surveying his jail cell than a gift. “Thank you.”

Morris inclined his head. “There’s a nice bottle of French wine in your kitchen, as well. Thought you’d need that after your meeting with Jefferson.”

Alexander snorted lightly. “Undoubtedly.”

“Well, I’ll leave you to settle in. Mrs. Hamilton.” She nodded her head to him. “Ham. Glad to see you looking so well. You’ll give some thought to that article, will you?”

Alexander’s expression tightened impossibly further. “Yes. Good day, Mr. Morris.”

With a tip of his hat, Morris started to make his way around the house, his servant close on his heels. The chair remained in the middle of the path. Alexander eyed it as the servants began working to slide him free of the wagon again.

“Wait,” he said, holding up a hand. “I want to try the chair.”

“We can try it inside,” she said. “Let’s get you settled.”

“I want to try it now.” He met her eye, obstinate.

Robert and Genti looked to her.

Blowing out a sigh, she agreed, “Fine. Let’s try it now.”

Robert hurried to wheel the chair closer, and Eliza held it steady as he and Genti worked to lift Alexander into the seat. Both men were breathing hard, and Alexander had his eyes closed. Robert fumbled with the buckle for a moment after Alexander had been settled in place, then stood back, nodding. “Looks sturdy, sir.”

“Happy?” Eliza asked.

Alexander tilted his head back to look up at her. The sunshine accented his sickly pallor from too many weeks without seeing daylight. His voice had a slightly breathy quality as he said, “Take me to the gardens.”

“Honey,” she said, half pleading.

“You promised I could see them if I braved the trip, and brave the trip I did. Take me to the gardens,” he insisted.

She had promised him that, when she’d first come back from the two week trip home. The guilt still ate at her for leaving him, but she’d needed so badly to get away. The horror of it all, the very real possibility of losing him, the way he’d become little more than a shell of himself even as he crawled away from the threshold of death, it had all been too much. He wouldn’t read or write, he refused to hear anything from the papers he’d used to consume religiously. Watching him lie there in the dark, day after day, staring listlessly at the wall or the ceiling depending on how she’d positioned him, caused her physical pain. All the while, she’d known her children were suffering without them at Angelica’s house. So she’d escaped to the Grange with the children for two weeks, and pretended her life wasn’t unrecognizably changed.

In the end, it seemed it was for the best.  When she’d returned, feeling slightly more sane, she’d opened windows, called Troup, and forced Alexander out of his numb cocoon of painkillers and darkness. She should be thrilled that he wanted to see the gardens at all.

“You’re not going to have very long to rest before Mr. Jefferson arrives,” she reminded him. That was the real reason for his change of heart about visiting the Grange, she suspected. Jefferson would now need to ride an hour and half outside the city to keep their appointment.

“We have plenty of time,” he said.

She gave in, as she always did, and pressed her weight against the back of the chair. The wheels struggled over the gravel, but eased nicely when she pushed him onto the dirt paths leading down to the orchard. Looking over her shoulder, she said to Robert and Genti, “I’ll call for you when we’re ready to come in.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Robert said.

They turned down one of the twisting pathways through the upper garden, and she asked, “What was Mr. Morris talking about? The article he mentioned?”

Alexander grunted. “He and King have both been on me to write something for the papers.”

“About the election?” she asked.

“In a way. Apparently, my sudden popularity has emboldened the Federalists to put up a real fight against Jefferson. They think if I publish something thanking everyone for the outpour of support and prayers, it will stir even more good will for the party going into the critical period. If Pinckney can sweep everything north of Pennsylvania, he’ll have 92 electors, even if he loses his home state of South Carolina.”

“How many electors does he need to win?”

“89.”

“So he’d win.”

Alexander nodded.

“Is that likely?”

“No.”

She smiled a little. “Are you going to write the article anyway?”

“Probably.”

As they approached the orchard, she heard barking. A second later, William ran into sight, Old Peggy keeping pace with him, a stick held between the dog’s slobbering jaws. When the boy caught sight of them, his eyes widened in shocked delight. “Papa!”

“Gentle, William,” she said firmly before the boy could take a running leap at his father. William skidded to a stop just in front of Alexander, hesitating.

“Come here,” Alexander invited. “I’ve missed you, my little lamb.”

William clambered up into his lap, latching on to him tightly, like he might fade away if not held in place. She understood the inclination; she couldn’t seem to stop touching him either, lately.  Old Peggy stood up on her hind legs, paws scratching at the new wood, and licked Alexander full in the face.

“Down,” Eliza ordered. But as she shooed the dog away, she heard Alexander laughing, for the first time since this whole nightmare had begun.

**

“Sweetheart?”

They’d set Alexander up in one of the back bedrooms on the first floor usually reserved for guests. The bed faced the window, though, with a view down to the gardens, and Doctor Hosack had sent several vases of flowers from his botanical garden to brighten the space even further. Alexander, currently a lump in the bed with the blankets pulled up over his head, didn’t seem to be enjoying the cheery atmosphere.

“Sweetheart? Are you awake?”

He grunted.

She’d known he was going to exhaust himself. After two months of total bedrest, he couldn’t expect to be touring the grounds and reuniting with all his children without it taking a toll. The little ones had been thrilled at his surprise reappearance, though, and she hadn’t the heart to chase them off until Alexander’s eyes had begun to droop.

Going around the bed, she climbed in beside him, pulling the blanket up over her head, as well. He smiled as she adjusted beside him, holding her hand up to create a tent in the blanket. The bright sunlight filtered through the light weave of the quilt, lighting his face. “It’s almost three. You should be getting dressed. Have you decided which suit you want to wear?”

His nose wrinkled. “I don’t want to wear a suit.”

She chuckled. “Well, I certainly don’t mind you going without clothes, but Mr. Jefferson may have some objection.”

Amusement flickered over his features. “It’s not as if I’m naked at the moment.”

“Alas.” She bit her lip a moment later; flirting had been a fraught area for them lately.

“Naughty girl,” he scolded, laughing softly, to her relief. Then his brow creased and he turned his face into the pillow to cough lightly. “I’m tired. I want to sleep.”

“Do you want to reschedule?”

His smile turned a little mischievous at the suggestion. “I’m sure he’d love that.”

“If you’re not up to it—”

“I’m up to it. I’m just tired.” He pushed the blankets down, and gave a little shudder as his upper half was exposed to the air of the room.

“Cold? It is a bit chilly in here.” She’d have to see about sealing the window better now that the temperature was going down outside.

“I’ll be fine. The parlor will be warm. And I suppose I should put on a coat to receive the President.”

Getting him dressed properly was a chore, and by the time he was again seated in the wheelchair, a pillow propped behind him to ease his aching back, he was in a thoroughly foul humor. Sweat beaded on his temple from the exertion. She knew needing so much help for what was once the simple task of getting up and dressed frustrated and embarrassed him.

“Sir?” Robert asked, poking his head in the room. “The President has arrived. I seated him in the main parlor.”

“Thank you.” Alexander gave a long sigh as Robert disappeared.

“I can tell him to leave,” she offered, half-facetiously.

“Let’s get this over with.”

She pushed him through the door and down the hallway to the parlor, where Thomas Jefferson was seated on the sofa beneath the great portrait of George Washington. He rose, all lanky limbs and slack joints, and stretched out his hand. “Mr. Hamilton.”  

“You’ll forgive me for not standing, Mr. President.” Eliza pushed him forward to meet Jefferson’s hand, and noted with amusement that Alexander hadn’t phrased it as a question.

“Of course. And Mrs. Hamilton, lovely to see you.”

She couldn’t say the same, but she smiled politely. “Mr. President. Please, have a seat.”

“Thank you.” He folded himself back onto the sofa. “How are feeling, Mr. Hamilton?”

Alexander’s head tilted slightly to the side. “Not very well, I’m afraid.”

Jefferson’s face contorted into what she supposed was meant to be sympathy.

The stiff, awkward faux-compassion rankled. She recalled Mrs. Washington writing to her about the trial of entertaining Jefferson after General Washington’s passing. She’d called it the worst day of her life. Eliza understood now, she thought, how that could have been true. To endure such suffering was one thing, but to have it exploited in such a nakedly political gambit was quite another.

“I had hoped to find you at your house in town. It’s a rather lengthy ride out to Harlem, isn’t it? Especially after coming all the way from Washington.” Jefferson seemed to think this was small talk.

“I apologize for inconveniencing you,” Alexander replied, though he sounded anything but. “I suppose I could have done you the favor of not surviving at all, and saved you the trip entirely.”  

Jefferson’s eyes widened in shock, and he cleared his throat, uncomfortable. “I didn’t mean….”

“Mm-hm,” Alexander dismissed, raising his hand to his lips to cover a cough. “Was there something in particular you wished to speak to me about, Mr. President? Because if you’ve come only to offer your well-wishes, I appreciate it, but I’d like to return to bed.”

“I won’t keep you, then. I only wanted to assure you that Mr. Burr will not be in contention for the Vice Presidency in the forthcoming election.”

Alexander smirked. “Surely you don’t expect me to believe that his disappearance from the ballot is on my account.”

A faint smile tugged on Jefferson’s lips in response. “Regardless, he’ll no longer be part of the administration when my new government is sworn in next year.”

“If,” Alexander said.

“Oh, yes, of course. If my new government is sworn in. You’ll be supporting Mr. Pinckney, I suppose?”

“Well, I’m not likely to lend my support to your campaign, Mr. President, unless you somehow find yourself running against Mr. Burr again. Which seems unlikely, given the state of things.”

“Right. And your party is aware that you’re in no condition to be considered yourself.” Jefferson held a question in his eyes, though he phrased it as a statement. His gaze was locked on Alexander, looking for any hint or tell of what might be to come.

“If, unexpectedly, my fellow countrymen were to do me the honor of calling me to public service once more, I would, at that time, consider whether I was in the proper condition to answer.” Alexander’s expression was placid, a master politician at work.

Jefferson let the moment linger, no doubt hoping Alexander would give something away in the pause. He’d always used silence as his greatest weapon. Alexander remained calm and let the moment pass.

“Was there anything else, Mr. President? I really would like to go lie down. I’m still regaining my strength.”

“I wish you a speedy recovery, Mr. Hamilton,” Jefferson said, rising and reaching out to shake hands again. “Mrs. Hamilton.”

Eliza nodded again.

They both deflated when they heard the front door close, and Eliza collapsed down across from Alexander on the sofa. “That was exhausting. And it was less than ten minutes. We should have just barred him from the house,” she complained.

“Now it’s done.”

“You’re not really going to consider the Presidency if they throw their votes to you, are you?”    

“Betsey,” he said, eyebrows raised. “I can barely sit up for ten minutes without needing a nap. I’m in no condition to be running a country. And it’s never going to happen anyway. But I didn’t need to tell him that. Let him stew for a bit. I like being able to keep him up at night, worrying.”

“He really is concerned,” she observed.

“The electoral math is going to be closer than he expected,” he said.

“And that nonsense about Burr not being on the ballot. As if that’s enough to make up for what he did, even if it were a result of what happened, when he’s sheltering him in the capital at this very moment. Burr could have killed you. He almost did.”

“What would you have Jefferson do about it?”

“Turn him over to the authorities! He’s a wanted fugitive, for heaven’s sake. If New Jersey thinks he ought to stand trial for what he did, I say good. That he’s allowed to preside over the senate is a travesty.”

“Feel better getting that out?” he asked, an annoying little smile on his face.

She shrugged. “A little.”

She’d have felt better still if she could have shouted it at Jefferson himself, but Alexander never would have forgiven her. He’d been frustratingly tightlipped about Burr, and the little he did say tended to be words of forgiveness and a reluctance to see him tried. She suspected it was less a saintly ability to turn the other cheek, and more that he knew if he let himself be angry with Burr, he’d never stop. She certainly didn’t think she’d ever forgive the wretched man.

His eyes closed for a long moment. “Would you mind helping me back to bed, now, my angel? I really do need to lie down.”

“Yes, of course, sweetheart.”

**

Eliza generally tried not to disturb Alexander when he was asleep, especially when he was complaining about feeling tired, but she couldn’t seem to help herself that night. Their bed upstairs felt empty and cold without him. Slipping her dressing gown on, she peeked in on the little ones before padding downstairs.

She heard the coughing while she was still in the hall: a choking, wet, terrible cough.

“Honey?” she whispered as she eased open the door.

“Mm?”

“Are you up?”

“Mm.”

“That cough doesn’t sound good.” She sat down on the bed next to him and touched her hand to his cheek. His skin felt warm and clammy to the touch. She pushed his hair back from his forehead. “Oh, sweetheart. I thought we were done with this fever stuff.”

“I know,” he rasped.

“Do you want anything?”

“Sleep. I’m so tired.”

“Why don’t we prop you up a little,” she suggested, sliding another pillow underneath him. He rubbed his hand over his chest like it was sore. “Better or worse?”

“Better.”

“Is it alright if I sleep in here?”

“Yeah,” he muttered.

She settled herself in beside him, lying on her side. Her hand settled on his chest, rubbing gently, hoping to render some relief. He was supposed to be getting better, recovering. This felt like slipping backwards.

She’d barely drifted off when she heard him inhale and choke horribly. Eyes flying open, she tucked her arm around his waist and pulled him over onto his side. “Turn over, darling. On your side. Come on.”

He turned his face into the pillow, his whole upper body lurching with the force. She reached blindly towards the side table for a handkerchief, and held it out to him. He wiped his mouth, panting slightly.

“It’s all right, honey. We can change the pillowcase. Did you get up the phlegm?”

“Betsey?”

“Yeah?”

“I can’t breathe.”

[headfulloffantasies]

Home is Where the Devil Lives

Peter loves his new apartment. Matt does not.

Peter’s new apartment was a dream, a castle, compared to the rat hole he’d been living in. He had a second bedroom! And a kitchen without vermin. And a bathroom that actually fit a sink next to the shower and toilet. The only problem was that Matt hated it.

Peter dragged a half conscious Daredevil in through the fire escape after a brutal smack down with Kingpin.

“You’re lucky this place is so close,” Peter griped. “You wouldn't have made it to Hell’s Kitchen.”

Daredevil didn’t respond, too busy bleeding profusely from a knife wound to the ribs. Peter thumped through the window onto his orange rug.

“Alexa, turn on the lights and raise the heat to 20 degrees.”

“Turning on the lights,” the robot voice answered.

Matt stirred, tipping his head to the side. “Who’s that?”

“Alexa, say hi to Matthew.”

“Hi, Matthew.” Alexa echoed.

“You have an AI?” Matt slurred slightly.

“Nah,” Peter said as he got Matt settled on the couch. “It’s an Amazon smart home. It turns on the lights and connects to the internet and stuff.”

Peter dug his first aid kit out from under the kitchen sink and padded back to Matt. 

“Take this,” Peter held out a couple of painkillers. 

“I don’t want ‘em,” Matt groaned, twisting on the couch.

“Trust me, you will. I am awful with a needle.”

“You sew your own costumes.”

“That is fabric. Why does everyone think sewing skin is the same thing?”

Peter coaxed Matt into taking the pills. He peeled back Matt’s suit and swore. 

“Don’t bleed on my couch, it’s new.”

“It smells like cat.”

“It’s new to me.”

Peter finally finished the stitches and sat back to admire a bad job done with good intentions. He passed Matt his phone.“You’re staying here tonight. Call Foggy and tell him you’re not going into work tomorrow.”

Matt shook his head, trying to push himself up on his elbows. He got about halfway there. “I’m fine. I’ll make it.”

“You will not. It’s freezing out.”

“No it’s not.”

Peter crossed his arms. “Alexa, what’s the current temperature?”

“It is currently 2 degrees Celsius.”

Peter splayed his palms to silently say “I told you so”. It wasn’t wasted on blind eyes.

“I don’t care.”

“I do. I will not be responsible for my lawyer dying of pneumonia.”

Peter moved into the kitchen to give Matt some privacy.

He shouldn’t have bothered. Matt on drugs didn’t know how to control his volume level. Peter heard Matt’s entire side of the conversation.

“Come and get me,” Matt hissed. “I hate it here.”

Ouch. And yeah, there was a layer of sarcasm in Matt’s voice, but no more than he usually buttered onto conversations. 

Peter was hurt. How long had he and Matt been friends? Did Matt hate his other apartment too? Duh, Parker, even you hated that apartment. But then what gives? The new place was dope. There was running water that wasn’t brown. Maybe it wasn’t about the apartment, maybe it was Peter. Nope, not going there, that hurt too much.

When he was done being hurt Peter was angry. Not everyone could afford penthouses and silk sheets, Double D. Some of us are just happy to have a place to hang our mask.

Matt stayed the night on the couch, but Peter wasn’t sure he’d actually slept. There were deep purple bags under the bruises on Matt’s face in the morning.

“D’you mind if I put on the radio while I make breakfast?” Peter asked as he pulled his skillet out of the cupboard. Matt made a wavy hand gesture of deference.

“Alexa, play my radio station.”

“Turning on the radio.”

Matt flinched as the announcers came on. 

“-whereabouts unknown. And in other news, the vigilante Daredevil was spotted with Spider-man last night at the docks. This reporter wonders if the two have formed a superhero swim team. That’s all for me, folks. Tune back in to Hero Watch after the break for our hot take on the Hulk’s dating life.”

“What is this?” Matt asked.

“Hm?” Peter hummed as he cracked an egg into the frying pan. “Oh, it’s Hero Watch. They report on street level heroes like us.” Peter ducked his head. “I know it’s silly to listen to what people say about Spider-man, but it’s kind of a parody show? They make up ridiculous stories.”

They listened to the rest of the show, laughing until Matt’s stitches pulled. 

Peter left for work, assuring Matt that he could stay on Peter’s couch as long as he needed. When Peter came home he was disappointed to find his blankets folded neatly at the end of the couch and no trace of Matt anywhere.

A week later, Matt swore up and down he was well mended and ready to go bust some heads.

“Alexa, call Matt.”

“Calling Matt.”

“Hello?” 

“Are we going out tonight?” Peter asked, hopping on one foot as he tried to pull his sock on.

“Are you putting on socks?” Matt asked.

Peter froze. “Yeah, how’d you know?”

“I listen to 3000 people a day putting their socks on. I know a sock hop when I hear it. I also know what it sounds like when you trip and smash your coffee table. Sit down and put your socks on like an adult. I can be ready to go in ten.”

“Meet me at my apartment?” 

“I’ll be on the roof.” Matt agreed.

“It’s cold. Meet me inside.”

“Roof. Ten minutes.”

“Call ended.” Alexa announced.

Peter glumly stared about his apartment. He liked it. It was soft, all done up with lots of blankets in the living room and lacy blue curtains in the kitchen that Aunt May had helped him pick out. It was comfortable. So what was Matt’s problem?

“Alexa, does my apartment smell?”

“I do not have a nose,” Alexa said. “I have seventy one internet results for getting rid of smells if you are interested?”

“No thanks,” Peter said, heading to his room to change into the Spidey suit.

Peter moaned to MJ about it in the Starbucks by her loft.

“Matt hates my apartment.”

“That’s because he’s bougie trash.” MJ said without looking up from her vanilla latte.

Peter was scandalized. “He is not!”

“He makes his own granola and won’t use brand name fabric softener. He’s bougie.”

That wasn’t fair, Peter knew. Matt was sensitive. He made his own food because tasting other people’s hands was gross. He used natural based fabric softeners because the artificial smells in brand names gave Matt headaches. 

“Does my place smell?”

“No, but your couch reeks of cat.”

Dang it. 

Aunt May’s birthday was next Sunday. Peter had been planning a surprise party at his apartment, and the only thing that would prevent him from going through with it would be an alien invasion.

All that was left to do was send out invitations. Because Peter was an exemplary millennial, he sent a group text invite. He left Matt a voice mail invitation specifically so Matt wouldn’t have to deal with Peter’s copious emojis. 

Peter sat on his saggy cat couch and watched the RSVPs come in. 

Alexa suddenly said, “New voicemail.”

“Alexa, play voicemail.”

Matt’s tinny voice filtered from Alexa’s speaker. “Hi Peter. I’m not going to make it to May’s party. I’ve got an appointment out of town that day.”

Peter deflated. 

This had gone on long enough.

The next night,  Peter went up to the rooftop to meet Daredevil. 

Matt swung up over the ledge, his red suit dark as blood in the twilight.

“Hey kid.”

Peter tugged his mask off. “Can I talk to you as a real person?” He asked.

Matt copied him by removing his mask. “What’s up, kiddo?”

Peter forgot how weird it was to watch Matt’s milky eyes search him out. Matt always settled his gaze close to eye contact, but he tended to miss by a bit, staring at people’s left ear or their nose.

“You really can’t make it Sunday?”

“I have an urgent appointment I can’t reschedule.”

Uh huh. Likely story.

“I know you hate my apartment.” 

Matt stiffened.

Whoops. Secrets are supposed to stay on the inside of mouths, Peter. But now that it was out of the bag, why not air it out? 

“Does it smell? Is it too loud? Is it too cold? Do you not like my cow salt shakers? Are the blankets not soft enough? I can get better blankets.”

“Peter,” Matt stopped him. “It’s not about the apartment.”

Peter’s stomach dropped. “You don’t like me.” The tears that sprang to his eyes surprised him. “It’s fine, I get it-,”

“Kid, listen with your ears, not your mouth,” Matt snapped.

Peter swallowed hard, nodding.

Matt scrubbed the back of his neck. He was flushed all the way to his red hair. “Your A.I. freaks me out.”

Peter blinked. “Alexa?”

“Yeah. She’s listening to everything, but she’s not really there.”

“She’s not spying on us, Double D.”

“I know that!” Matt rubbed his hands together, looking very lost. Just this once, Peter did the smart thing and stayed quiet.

Matt started again. “Alexa talks and it’s not right. I can hear the dissonance in her voice. And it’s like there’s a whole person in the room, but I can’t find her heartbeat, she doesn’t breathe, or smell, or have body heat. She’s like a ghost.”

“Oh.” Peter said. He never considered that Matt’s abilities might cause him pain in the absence of stimuli. “What do you want to do about it?”

Matt shrugged. “There’s not really anything I can do. I’m just going to have to get used to it.”

That didn’t seem fair. Peter had a long think. “What if I turn Alexa off when you come over?”

Matt tipped his head to one side. “You don’t have to do that.”

Peter shrugged. “Sure I do. I want you to be comfortable in my home. You’re my friend.”

“I’m officially triggered,” Matt snarked. “This conversation has reached my emotional limits for the week.”

“So you’ll come on Sunday?”

Matt glared at Peter’s ear. “I told you I have a meeting, kid. I’m not avoiding you.”

“Oh good. I love you too. Come here and give me a hug.”

Matt jumped off the side of the building.

[lightsson-blog]

Beach Bums|| Shawn Mendes

Word Count: 1003

Warnings: none!

Summary: BEACH BABE SHAWN

“Get in!” He shouted from the rolled down window of the jeep at you on the steps. You stood, slowly squinting your eyes in the sun light to make out his face.

“What are you doing here?” you said with a playful smile as you made your way to the jeep. He was supposed to be doing press all day today. “The interviewer was sick so I got it rescheduled” he smiles at you widely unlocking the jeeps doors “plus it’s far too nice outside for a pretty girl like you to sit at home by yourself” he shot you a wink. You rolled your eyes blushing “you think it’s nice enough for a no top beach day?” You questioned looking up towards the jeeps removable roof. “I think it’s always a good day for you to be topless” he smirked at you waiting for a reply but only receiving a glare “oh right, you meant the jeep” he said jokingly throwing the jeep in park and undoing the interior clasps on the top. You sat legs crossed in the seat, clad in a bikini top and jean shorts. This was the reason you were most thankful for the LA apartment, in the summer months when you were off school you worked locally while Shawn did his business. You lived about an hour out from the beach which made it one of your favorite runaway spots. Even though Paps were usually swarming the area, there was enough general public there to be a distraction from you two for the most part. Your sandals in one hand, Shawn’s fingers laced in yours as the sand tickled your toes. The beach bag slung lazily over his shoulder as you two walked to a spot less crowed and closer to the water. He sat down the bag, kicking off his slides as he retrieved the beach blanket from the bag. You grabbed the corner opposite of his and helped him shake it out and spread it out on the sand. You two sat in the sun for a minute talking about the week ahead and both of your schedules trying to find the time to schedule a date. “Excuse me?” You two stopped your conversation and looked up. It had to be a girl no older than thirteen, you smiled at her. “Can I get a picture with Shawn?” She more so asked you than him, you laughed lightly and you both said of course, grabbing her phone as the two posed together smiling. You snapped her a few and handed her phone back as she thanked you two, smiling as she turned back towards her parents. It was hard sometimes with the older fans, sometimes even the younger fans. It got annoying, being in the middle of something and having to stop because someone wanted a picture. But you saw it in his eyes everytime it happened. He just radiated this happiness when he could make a fan happy. More times than not you were behind the phone snapping the photos for the fans. It was worth it, just to see him interact with the people he cared about, people that he didn’t know but loved so much. Especially the littler kids made your heart swell. You couldn’t wait to see him as a father, no doubt he’d be the best you’d ever known. He turned his attention back to you “I have off wednesday and so do you why don’t we stay in and do dinner and movie night?” He suggested going back to your conversation. “That sounds good, pasta night?” you raised your brows at him “Only because it’s your favorite” He smiled pulling you into a hug, as the sun beat down on the two of you. “Walk down with me?” He asked as his eyes danced around the shore line. You nodded, standing up and grabbing his hand as you dragged him towards the water. He laughed as you cringed as the cold water danced over your feet.  “It’s not even that bad!” he shouted a couple yards out in the water, you slowly walked towards him letting out huffs as the cold water touched your exposed body. He swam closer to you “you know, if you were to just go under it wouldn’t even be that bad” He was only about a foot away has his hand skidded across the water sending cold water against you body. You let out a gasp “Shawn!” you screamed with a smile on your face. He was standing now, his arms snaking around your waist. “Shawn don’t you dare!” He picked you up swiftly and spun you around tossing you in the water causing you to go in all the way. You came to the surface and pushed your hair out of your face with a loud laugh “I hate you!” You helped him put the top back on the jeep, it was far too cold at night for the top off on the highway. With top in place correctly the two of you headed home to shower and sleep. You woke before Shawn, leaving him tangled in the sheets as you grabbed your phone and headed to make some coffee. You sat at the kitchen counter scrolling through the endless snapchat stories, finding an article on the dailynews filled with pictures of yours and Shawn’s beach day. You smiled at them, as weird as it was having strangers document your life it made it easy to always have candids readily available.

@yourinstahandle Beach bums w/ my love xo #papsmeangoodcandids #beachday #dayoff

Shawn came pattering down the hall, curls wildly sticking up from his bed head. “Ugh you made coffee thank the lord.” You giggled at him, these days he was barely a human without his coffee. “Whatcha doing?” He turned towards you with his coffee mug looking down at your phone. “Posting a cute pic from the paps yesterday” you said smiling up to him as he pressed a kiss to your head.

[wannabeentertainer]

My Acting Life: Auditions, Self Tapes, Callbacks and Booking the Gig - or - There and Back Again.

Over the past 2 weeks, I did about 10 auditions, 2 callbacks, 1 costume fitting, 2 commercial shoots and 1 play reading. I turned down 4.

I spent 20 hours on the VIA train, 4 hours on GO trains, roughly 3 hours on the subway/streetcars/buses and 5 hours walking the street of TO.

I probably spent 20 hours waiting or killing time. In Starbucks’ and restaurants. In subway stations and train stations. In community centres and movie theatres. 

I don’t even want to think about the number of public toilets I used. “Don’t touch ANYTHING! This is a public toilet.” I heard one mother tell her daughter. Ha! Good luck! 

I finished my book. My mp3 player died. I spent a lot of time with myself. Thinking.

This is my story.

It started out with my agent sending me a few commercial auditions in Toronto. I made some quick calculations, and determined that I did not, in fact, have the funds to make the trip there and back for auditions. 

Ironically, I had spent the last few months updating my profiles, getting new headshots and taking classes, so I could get more bookings, but now funds were low. OK, funds were non-existent.

Also, I had applied my 3-point rule (it must have 2 out of three: good $, good ppl, good project) to the gigs and they weren’t really cutting it anyway, so I didn’t feel too bad. 

Decision-making blogs here and here and here and here. 

Until one came about that paid really well and was with a new to me casting agency. I said I couldn’t go, but then spent the entire day feeling shitty for not making the effort. What kind of an actor was I? Am I not hungry enough?! I should find a way.

Later the same day, I had the chance to redeem myself when she called to say I had another one the next day - again in Toronto. I thought about it and asked my husband’s advice, and we decide that we can find a way to get me there. I don’t want to miss another chance and where are all these coming from anyway? Maybe the universe wants me there!

I make the arrangements, plan the travel, reschedule work, and get myself there. As fate would have it, I am called for another audition the next morning but I planned to stay the night with my lovely aunt anyway, so all I have to do is re-schedule my train (cha-ching), buy some new clothes for the audition cause I didn’t bring the right stuff with me (cha-ching) and get myself there.

The audition called for “workout gear”. These are the workout pants I brought. Super cute and comfy. Maybe not best for an audition. Maybe...

All goes well and I get back to Ottawa. While filming a self-tape that night with my hubby, my agent calls me: I have ANOTHER audition in Toronto THE NEXT DAY! 

At this point, I’m like, sorry. No can dosies. I’ve already rescheduled work once this week and frankly I can’t take another frantic trip there and back. I turn it down, which turns out alright because later that same day, I’m called in for a MOW (movie of the week) audition in Ottawa. 

I’m feeling like I’ve made the right call, when my agent contacts me again, with you guessed it, ANOTHER audition in Toronto. The next day.

My day job is wonderfully accommodating because with all these potential gigs in TO, I now have to plan for the potential to be off all week. There are callbacks and costume fittings and shoots planned for the following week. I have no idea if I’ll get any of it, but I have to be prepared! 

Add to the uncertainty the fact that I have a gig in Ottawa at the end of the week that I really do not want to miss. 

No time to worry, cause here we go!

I’m back in TO, this time at my parent’s place, and I’m asked to send in some more self tapes for the one I did earlier that week. Remember that? Ha! Since I’m at my parent’s, I have to get creative and rig up the most amateur and shitty space to shoot, while my husband reads with me over speaker phone. Thank god I happened to bring my laptop for editing and selfie-stick which is a great on-the-go tripod.

This is the opposite of what I had.

I wish I had a picture. 

Let’s just say, I used an ironing board, some clothes that needed mending, two lamps, and my handy selfie-stick precariously balanced against a step-stool that’s older than me.

Dramatic interpretation.

Overall, I had a pretty nice weekend visiting with my parents and my brother and his new wife (who’s pretty awesome), but it was all coloured with a slight tremour of nerves, sweaty palms and butterflies. I was in more or less constant fight or flight, meaning my cortisol levels were up and they were not going down. I’ve not brought my usual go-to’s (including medication), because it’s been so long since I last needed them I didn’t even think of it. Over the weekend I use enough meditation apps, yoga, breathing exercises, hot baths, natural meds and camomile tea to put a normal person into hibernation for the winter, but I am still buzz buzz buzzzzzzzzing.

So I have a few drinks before bed, to calm myself, despite my mother’s eagle eyes and eventual calling me a “wino”. I need this! I want to scream, but that’s what a wino would say, so instead I say nothing and lock myself in the bathroom like I used to in high school. The sound of the fan and hot bath drowning out the outside world for a brief few minutes.

I am preparing to go back to Ottawa when I get a callback. This means I have to be prepared to stay all week in case I book the gig. Booking the gig also means I will have to miss my gig in Ottawa later that week, so I have mixed feelings. It pays so well, but is that enough?

Also, remember those clothes I bought the previous week for the audition? I didn’t bring them. In my rushed packing, I totally forgot. Oh well, I’ll just make do with what I have!

Penguin pants!

I get to the audition and have pretty much the worst audition experience ever. I’m also the only white girl in the room which elicits all these odd feelings of guilt about even being called in in the first place. I don’t want to book this gig and take it away from someone who might not normally have this chance. But am I not also someone who doesn’t often have this chance? Am I racist for even thinking that?! Ugh. I am so off my game in the room. I know I didn’t book the gig. But I still have to wait and see. 

“Just wait and see”, they always say. “You never know!” They say. I hate “They” so much.

The next day goes by and I finally have the chance to relax. I also have the time to make it to a really important day in one of my best friend’s lives. I feel like the whole thing is worth it because I have the chance to be by her side for a few hours.

On day two of waiting I am just about to book my train back to Ottawa when my agent contacts me. I have a costume fitting the next day. I’ve booked the commercial?! Miracles do happen!!

Oh, no wait. It’s another one I auditioned for last week? Why didn’t they let me know sooner?? Oh well. I booked it! Yay!! Right?

More planning. 

I make it to the fitting and spend the night with my incredibly accommodating uncle and (maybe less so) cousin and little pooch. She’s a teenager and I’ve taken his bed so I can’t blame either of them. I even have time to catch a movie - Thor: Ragnarok. It was perfect. Go see it - grab some food and do some yoga before crashing. Hard.

I also find out late that night that they’re going to use me in two segments, so they need me there all day, and I get to be in two commercial spots. Woot! I book my final train.

View from the VIA train window.

The shoot is great, although technically challenging. I make my train. And finally I am home, home, HOME! Even though I have to wake up early the next morning for the next gig, I am beyond happy to be back in my bed with my husband and kitty.

So why do I do it?

For all the hours of agony, those few minutes of peace, of making the ultimate connection with another person, of having my value and place on this earth affirmed, of seeing someone’s face light up at my expression, of feeling present and truly “in the moment” even in a roomful of strangers. It makes it all worthwhile. I think. I feel like in some absurd way, it’s how parents must feel. 

What will this week bring? Hopefully some respite. But not for too long ;)

Keep Being Awesome,

Laura V Hall

[smilesandcurls]

09 October, 2017

So I fell off the wagon, didnt remember to write about my weekend. I've decided to put a reminder on my phone to do my entries into my new "journal", life journey. Because, it only dawned on me this morning how much I need this to work, and more importantly work effectively.

My subconscious, coinciding with my body lets me know when something is wrong, I've come to realize. I was irritable all day today; sweaty palms and just a general uneasiness and unfocused throughout. Throughout the day, my primary thoughts was my if its a gd idea to have my therapy/counselling ever restarting is something I'd like to do, how's my baby sister ( who's actually 17 years old ) and my mother getting into it, this threesome idea my boyfriend is pushing and my closest friends Kenlyn, Keane and Jerry, and, ofc my severed relationship with people who used to be dearest to my person, my twin sister Alisha and Yokell, who used to be one of my BEST FRIENDS and maybe even an unproclaimed lover a few years back. Ive also been thinking about doing a nude photoshoot, oh, and of course this peculiar and honestly totally unnecessary "relationship", or lack thereof, with a girl by the name of........ We'd just call her Kay. These ideas seemed to plague me of recent days for you obvious reasons.

Therapy/counselling and I have a "comme ce comme ca" type of relationship. For those of you who may read this and isn't aware of what that means, it means "so so" in French. I've never seen the used for it as I was under the impression it was unneeded and counterproductive. I also have a lot of bad connotations and memories related to such. Personally, I've looked at it from all angles and as much as I think because I'm now, finally, open to it it may work, however the universe is trying to tell me something; every time I've scheduled an appointment for the past month something goes wrong, usually with my therapist and/or her family, and we have to reschedule. Since the month began I haven't been to session, however, I was doing peer counselling with some old friends for two months prior to moving into a more personal setting and I must say, it did help. I don't know if its the fact that I was speaking to a friend or someone I looked up to that took the pressure off my thoughts and opinions, or if it just felt like I could finally find genuine Guidance and objectiveness but I did open up a bit, mostly about my relationship with my boyfriend, which was falling apart at the time and about my relationship with my mother. Until those session, I wasn't aware that my relationship with my mother and my boyfriend became synonymous. My first thoughts about restarting is what about journalling my thoughts and experiences and I have, maybe, 2 session a month OR maybe I should just continue peer conselling maybe now, with my actual best friends and not persue personal counselling at all. Having two session a month may be best in my opinion as I would have already thought things through and I'd have another party to either validate my thoughts or show me where my thought pattern may be unhealthy and wrong. Someone who would allow me the space I need to feel and think through issues without the pressure of immediately finding a solution, which was a large issue my boyfriend and I had until recent. I truly feel like I'm at a place where in capable of dealing with my issues mostly in my own, with the help of someone to help navigate my thoughts and feelings until I'm capable of doing both on my own, if the day would ever come.

My mother and baby sister have had a pretty wishy washy, mostly the latter, for as far as I could remember. She was never "a favourite" of my mother's, they rarely ever agreed on the same things and their attitudes towards each other is, and always has been truly disgusting. However, as of recent years, its truly gotten worse, which I never thought would happen because of primarily two reasons, my mother is an adulterous whore and she doesnt pay much, if any attention to Azariah at all. Let me first say, my mother, according to many therapists and research of done via the internet and her mental medical history, has a personality disorder. Which one or two or more, is up for debate. Personally, I believe she may have split personalities with acute bipolarism and she may even be schizophrenic. So, truly, I've come to realize,many times, her actions and what she says isn't her own fault. My mother has struggled with relationships since her and my father got divorced and has since self sabotaged many if not all of her relationships since then. And this relationship, she has had with my "stepfather" for the past 8-10 years have been no different. She's cheated on him with multiple men, and she hasn't been able to ever trust him fully since they've been together. Their relationship falling apart wasn't entirely her fault, as he was always absent, and dismissive. They've recently called it quits and since then our family has basically fallen apart. I, however, am grateful for this as it has caused my biological father and I to become closer and maybe even mend a bit of our issues and my mother and I have also reconciled our broken relationship. Azariah hasn't been able to do this with either of our parents, she hasnt entirely emotionally developed over the years and truly isn't capable of reconciliation due to this. This also serves as the reason why she hasn't been able to forgive my mother for her failed relationship with our "stepfather", whom, if I didnt mentioned, she's very fond of and quite literally refers and thinks of him as our one ans only father figure. She's extremely attached to him and has taken his side in the breakup, being even more volatile to mom. Because of this, she now lives with my twin sister Alisha, who eeveryone knows is a bad influence on her. We were trying to get her to live with me but because of my "alliance" with my parents she's being resistant which is making this process of custody a lot harder and emotionally draining on myself. Everything is extremely hazy with everyone's relationships within out strange family as of recent apart from my relationships with everyone, with the exception of Alisha and my "stepfather". I have generally good relationships with everyone, communication wise anyway. Maybe its best if they don't speak to each other in depth until she's healed herself from the many years of neglect and miscommunication with mom because its proving to be toxic, their conversations that is, as of now.

This threesome. God help me. My boyfriend has been pushing this as of recent, for the second time. Maybe its because we're "okay"/ "better" now that he thinks its okay to bring this back up again but I'm not ready for this yet. Right now, I'm just healing, or trying to anyway, from the hurt of the past few months between him and I, also, from the rest of my life with my parents. I've put everything and everyone's wants and needs before my own and thanks to him and counseling I've realized I need to put my needs first for a while to be the best version of myself I can be. I feel dismissed by him bringing this up again, it just feels very selfish for him to do this at this point. I should mention, him and I are in an open relationship so I'm sure the next thing I say would come as a shock to you all now, but my thoughts are, if he wants a threesome so badly, he could rounds up some other bitches and leave me out until I'm ready to move forward with this idea. Granted, I did entertain this idea previously because I did want to please him and at that point I felt like it was the only way I could think of but I'm thinking of me now and that's not gd for me at this point. I'd never stop him from doing what he truly desires so I understand if he chooses to move forward with it but at thus point, I'm not open to this idea until I've healed from the emotional and psychological abuse of the past few months with him.

Truly, one of the greatest joys in my life are my amazing friends who've stood with me since we've formed these unions. There's honestly not much I could say on this other than. I love them and I truly do need to be better people and friends to/for them. Especially Keane, my truest companion. I truly would more than likely be anorexic and maybe even insane without him. I owe him EVERYTHING I am and have. Not to discredit ANYTHING my boyfriend has done for me, because without him I'd also be much worse, psychologically weak being the main thing. My boyfriend has done everything I could ask, and more of any partner I've ever had and I'll more than like continue to live my life trying to repay him in anyway I can, which is, as I've realized extremely unhealthy thinking, which is why we ended up with so many issues in the first place. He is truly the most extraordinary person in my life without a doubt but he/we have our kinks as any other couple does. My friends deserve nothing less than the best, regardless of if thats me or someone else and I truly hope that if its not me they go out and find it regardless of if it hurts me or not. And that also goes for my boyfriend.

Alisha and Yokell. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss them as much as I love them. Alisha, my twin sister, and I haven't seen eye to eye or even been friends for about 5 years now. She's had two children and is only 19 and I haven't been able to accept this of her to this day, which, more than likely, is half of the anger I have towards her. She was in an abusive relationship for about 4 out of the 5 years her and I have had issues. In my opinion, she's a younger version of my mother, minus the adulterous whore part. Ive made my peace with our relationship never reconciling and even the fact that she may never be grateful to me for all I've done for her growing up. I've extended my hand to her on numerous occasions to fix things but I do think its for the best that we don't have a relationship. Its only going to be filled with animosity. Yokell on the other hand, my unproclaimed lover, as I've mentioned him prior, don't have a relationship anymore due to the fact that he was/is madly in love with me and I'm in love with someone else, my boyfriend who's a friend of his for years prior to my knowing either of them. The issue at hand is ever since he essentially asked me to choose between him and my boyfriend he's been terrible depressed, according to popular belief of course, and is terribly reclusive. I've been struggling to accept that thus is no fault of mine but I do believe I am responsible. Maybe if I'd told him I had feelings for him when I first discovered them things would be better, maybe if we actually had a conversation about everything or even just try to figure what is neat for us both we wouldn't be here. I truly believe I neglected him and the entire situation as I never really reached out to him past that "ultimatum" he gave me out of respect for my current romantic relationship. I've been trying to figure out if I should try to be a better/bigger presence in his life but there truly is nothing I can do really other than be in skl more often or message more and hope he responds. Unfortunately I don't know if I'm even prepared to do this at this particular point in my life.

I honestly wasn't happy with myself or my body until I started modeling, hence the thought of a nude shoot being considered. A final step to acceptance of myself in every flaw and imperfection I may have. I've already ran the idea by my boyfriend, who has yet to respond, and I'm ready for this to happen but I won't do it if he's uncomfortable but I do truly want to do this. This isn't only for my exterior but for my mental and psychological health. I've grown tremendously over the past few years and I'm proud of where I am. I'm in the right environment to go only up from here in every aspect of my life and I'm proud of myself.

My boyfriend had this odd encounter with Kay a few months into our relationship in that she was throwing her at at him and when he was about to act on it she pulled out and freaked out because not only did she have a boyfriend but she saw me as a friend. Ever since then she's totally avoided me until, I'm guessing, she made peace with it with her partner and herself, and has yet been being excessively "buddy buddy" with me as if nothing happened. I truly am not upset the situation itself,between her and my boyfriend, however, you CANNOT play me like that. LEAVE ME OUT OF THE SITUATION. DO NOT TRY TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME AFTER YOU WERE BEING FRAUDULENT. Anyway, I've been battling with myself and my boyfriend as to if I should "make and issue" of it or not. I'm truly fed up of her constantly trying to push a friendship with me. Its getting old and I'm losing my cool. I'd rather she just leave me alone and pass me like a bus but she isn't facilitating this and all I'm left with is being abrasive and rude towards her. I wished someone would just speak to her before I do because it would be nasty. I've thought maybe I'm over reacting, which I possibly am, but, I'm at my wits end and I'm truly not too sure how much longer I can keep this up.

In conclusion, I've realized based on today I've become much better dealing with my anxiety as I didn't reach for my anti anxiety meds during the day. However I did find another way to deal with these issues, I surrounded myself with friends and activities throughout the day, especially after work. I went to a football game, I had a friend over with my room mates of course, always showering me with affection and we played cards and watched movies until really late. I couldn't sleep well however, which is something I need to work on

[softboywriting]

Sick and Tired | Shawn Mendes

Summary: You are Shawn’s long time girlfriend on tour with him. He’s been sick for a few days and keeps pushing himself on stage. You’ve finally had enough of it.

Word Count: 1.2k

|Masterlist In Bio|

He's killing himself. Up on that stage, bright lights in his eyes, the band in his ears, fans screams deafening him. You told him to reschedule tonight's show for tomorrow. That he needed rest, that he was pushing himself to his limits. But that's the thing about Shawn, he thinks he's invincible on the stage. As if the music would take away the sickness coursing through his veins. It doesn't.

Sure the adrenaline high lasts a little while, but by his fourth song he's withering. You can see it from side stage when he grabs his guitars. The way his eyes are glassy, sweat dripping down his face when he hasn't been nearly as active as he usually is. He's sick and he won't listen, the stubborn idiot.

He's half way through Mercy when his voice gives out, breaking as he has to pull away from the mic to cough. He hangs his head, eyes screwed shut in pain. Was this worth it Shawn? Was it worth it to let your fans see you in pain as you give less than your best performance?

Immediately you turn and head for the lounge where Alessia is. You need to get Shawn off that stage, and she was your only hope of buying time with the fans. Sure enough you find her and she agrees right away, following you back to the stage, ready to go.

Shawn is trying to finish Mercy but by the time you arrive he's pulling back again, this time you can see his chest heave, a cough and a sob. You push past Jake and go up on stage, Alessia right behind you.

“Shawn, come on,” you say loudly over the band and Shawn turns to look at you. His face breaks your heart. Pale, sweaty, borderline gaunt.

“What are you-” he coughs and you wrap your arm around him, guiding him to where Jake is coming up to meet you.

Alessia grabs a mic she's handed by Zubin and replaces the one Shawn was breathing all over. The crowd has long since fallen into a quiet murmur, blatant concern for Shawn filling the room. Alessia says she's gonna do a couple cover songs, just for a few minutes while Shawn is taken care of. You're not sure if a few minutes will be enough, but you'll do all you can.

Shawn is a sweaty mess. His shirt is soaked, hair a wet mess of curls, skin clammy and chilled. You get him sat down on a couch in the lounge and Andrew comes in as Jake goes to get water.

“You shouldn't have let him perform tonight!” You round on Andrew, a finger in his face. This was his fault, he could have forced Shawn to reschedule. He knew Shawn was sick but he let Shawn push him into letting him play.

“He said he was going to be fine.” Andrew eyes Shawn whose head is lolling against the back of the couch. “I trust he knew his own body.”

You roll your eyes. Andrew was an idiot. “Can you go find me some honey? It'll help coat his throat and cure the cough for a few minutes.”

“Yeah, I'll be back,” Andrew turns and heads out the door. Jake gives you a water bottle and some hot water in a paper cup with tea bags before going to stand at the door.

“Shawn,” you say tenderly, blotting his face with a paper towel. “Talk to me.”

“My chest.” He coughs and winces, teeth grinding together. “Fucking Christ!”

“Okay, okay. We can't give you any more cold medicine so I'm gonna make tea and have you sip it.” You prepare the tea with shaky hands, eyes going to him every few seconds. “Here bud.”

Shawn takes the cup and sips, sighing softly as the liquid soothes his throat temporarily. “Thank you,” he whispers and you nod.

You get up and go to the catering cart, soaking a small hand towel in warm water from the tea carafe. You set it in the microwave and turn back to Shawn. “Lay down for me?”

“I need to go back,” he whispers and you shake your head. “but the fans...”

“They will wait.” You go over and get him out of his sweat soaked tee. He lays down as requested and you turn on the microwave for a moment to heat the wet rag. When it's warm you bring it over and lay it on his chest and throat. He lets out a soft groan of relief.

You kneel beside him, hand going to his forehead and he closes his eyes. He was burning up. Usually a sweat meant a fever was breaking, but he didn't feel cool at all. You push back some matted curls and he leans into your hand. “Why didn't you just listen to me?”

“You sound like my mom.”

“I don't care, you're sick and you probably would have collapsed on stage if I waited any longer.”

Andrew returns with some honey and a clean shirt. You're not sure where he got it but the honey but has an orange generic price sticker on it like you might see at a convenience store. Whatever. It's honey.

You get up and grab a spoon while Andrew asks how he's doing and if he should call the medical services. Honestly you aren't sure yet, the fever seems to be breaking but the real issue was that Shaw needed rest and wasn't getting it. He needed water, sleep, medicine and more sleep.

“Sit your head up bud.” You give him a spoon full of the honey and he almost smiles because it must feel so good on his throat. “He can't go back out there like this. His body is at it's limit.” You kneel back down beside him and lay your head by his shoulder. “I'm not a miracle worker. His vocal cords are strained right now, his whole body is strained.”

Andrew scrubs his hand over his face and sighs. “You're right. We have to cancel. Reschedule, work it in between nearby shows while we're here. That will buy us at least three days.” He pulls out his phone and dials someone's number. “I'll make arrangements. Can you and Jake get him back to the hotel?”

“No, please,” Shawn begs in a whisper. “I can't do that.”

“Shawn, you have to.” You lift the now cooled rag from his chest and he rolls over on his side to face you. “I know it's worst case scenario, and I know you don't want to disappoint people. But if you try and finish this you could damage your vocal cords or collapse. For once will you just listen to me? Please?”

“I do.”

“Hardly. You're not invincible, you're an idiot and frankly I don't care if you yell at me later, I'm not going to let you push yourself. Sit up.”

“I won't yell at you.” He sits up and puts on the clean shirt while you get up to get him a fresh cup of tea to go. “I love you too much to do that.”

“Yeah, sure.” You pass him his tea and he stands to walk out with you to meet Jake.

Shawn catches your hand and you look back before you can open the door. “Thank you, for everything, and I meant it. I love you.”

“I know Shawn.” You lay your hand on his cheek and he closes his eyes. “I’ve always known.”

_____

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[viralnewstime]

Harvey Cantwell has been setting the foundations for a very promising career over the past couple of years. Through the release of his debut EP’s ‘Holiday’ and ‘Talk To Ya’, he joined artists like Little Mix, The Vamps, Lawson and Jessie J on tour in the UK and started building a passionate local fanbase.

Through the power of social media, his fan base started expanding and the 21-year-old singer-songwriter was able to embark on his first world tour in 2018 which included a sold-out run of dates in Australia.

Following the conclusion of the tour, he jumped back in the studio feeling even more inspired by what he wanted his sound and vision to be, and started working on his debut album. The first taste of this new directional shift in his artistry was the infectiously penned ‘Million Ways’ and ‘ME BECAUSE OF YOU’.

HRVY was supposed to be returning to Australia in May for shows in Brisbane, Melbourne and Sydney, but Australian Government restrictions on large events due to the coronavirus pandemic means these shows are now being rescheduled.

When they do happen though, HRVY has assured this live show will be even bigger than before with new choreography and the inclusion of a live band.

Pre postponement, we had a chat to HRVY about the world tour and the improvements he’s focused on to deliver a bigger show, as well as the creative process behind his new single ‘ME BECAUSE OF YOU’ and why he loves the art of collaboration.

Music Feeds: What have you been working on to make this tour bigger and bolder creatively?

HRVY: I’ve been working on my dancing and constantly striving to improve myself, so I feel like that aspect is a lot better this time around. And I’ve got a live band, so that’s going to be even bigger as I usually perform with track, and still do, but it’s really cool to add live players to that dynamic.

MF: So how long do rehearsals for a tour like this usually go for? And how intense are they because with the incorporation of dancing and a live band they sound like they can be pretty crazy?

H: We normally do a week and a half of solid rehearsals for dancing, just so everyone confidently knows the direction for each song. Then we spend about 2-3 days with the musicians and pull all the tracks together and make sure everyone knows how to play the songs and that it collectively sounds good.

To be fair, I’ve been doing a lot of shows in the UK so we feel pretty comfortable with most of the set, but like I said I love changing things up and making things more interesting. So yeah usually around 2 weeks.

MF: After going on your first world tour in 2018, what was the biggest thing you learnt about yourself as a live performer and what you wanted to personally work on?

H: For my last tour I discovered that sleep was a really important thing. Because I was a little bit younger, I was really excited to be travelling and I wanted to stay up and explore each city which was fair enough. But when you combine that with jet lag, it would end up ruining me before shows.

I would be so tired, and luckily once I got out onto the stage the adrenaline would kick in and I would be fine, but this tour I need to get a lot more sleep so I’m more prepared for the shows.

These upcoming shows are also a lot longer than our previous ones as I’ve got more songs out and a bigger catalogue to perform, so I’ve just gotta make sure that I’ve got the stamina to make the whole show to look and sound great.

MF: Reflecting on that Australian leg of the tour, what was one of your favourite memories from your time down under?

H: One thing that stands out to me the most is something that initially sounds like a bad thing, but now that I look back on it I think it’s quite funny.

I had such bad jet lag that at the Sydney show I sat backstage and I literally couldn’t keep my eyes open. So I fell asleep and I got woken up about five minutes before I had to go on stage. I’m not a crier but I just started crying because I was so exhausted and I had never felt this feeling before in my life. I didn’t want to go out on stage in the state I was in but I knew I had to.

As soon as I got out onto the stage and started playing the first song, the atmosphere from the fans just made me switch completely. The Australian fans are just mental and the energy they bring to every show is magical. They are so passionate and thinking about that moment makes me so happy and has become a highlight in hindsight even though it could be looked upon as a negative moment.

MF: You’ve toured with some huge names including Little Mix, The Vamps, Jessie J and Lawson. So has there been a piece of advice or a mantra that one of these artists have given you while out on the road that you’ve really held onto?

H: There have definitely been a few! Brad from The Vamps told me about this straw that helps warm my voice up. It sounds really weird but I was struggling warming up before shows while I was on tour with them and he was like “bro, try this straw, just trust me”. I was a bit reluctant at first but basically, it’s a rubber straw that you put it in a bottle and blow into it, and you warm up doing that so you don’t damage your voice. And he basically just gave me some really good advice about warming up which really helped me.

I also did a show a couple of years ago and I met Shawn Mendes, so I asked him about warming up and he was like, “bro, every time you warm-up, do it in the shower’.

So every time I speak to another male vocalist I just pick their brain about how they warm-up. I always want to improve and these people do it for a living too, and have amazing vocals so I think it’s important to all help each other.

It may sound really boring, but it’s just stuff I needed to know as I wanted to sound and feel better on stage. And there’s no one better to ask than Shawn Mendes, so if he tells you to warm up in a shower then you warm up in a shower *laughs*.

MF: Your new single ‘ME BECAUSE OF YOU’ is a slick pulsating synth bop. So how did this song come together in the studio because it’s quite groovy?

H: It’s a cute little story because I saw a comment on Instagram from a fan that said, “I’m only me because of you” and I immediately loved that line so I went into the studio with the concept to write a song around it.

The producer brought up a beat and it had that 80’s drums with the pulsating feeling during the chorus, which I immediately loved. But I decided to switch it up and start the song acoustically to show that contrast before rolling into that full-blown sound.

We wrote the song and I loved it, so I went back to say thank you to the person who wrote the comment but couldn’t find them.

MF: A bit of a Cinderella moment, isn’t it?

H: *Laughs* it literally was! I actually jumped on my Instagram story and asked people whoever commented that to please message me and I obviously got quite a lot of people saying it was them, so I didn’t know who to believe.

MF: There is a beautiful gospel version of the track on YouTube. So how long did that version take to come together because it seemed so seamless?

H: Thank you bro! It’s always been a big dream of mine to have a choir in one of my songs but it’s never really fit into the actual singles I’ve put it out. With ‘ME BECAUSE OF YOU’ I was approached to do an acoustic version and I was so excited to do that because the song is so drum-driven that I knew it could turn out quite cool and drastically different stripped back.

After we had talks about the direction of the arrangement I got approved to have a choir involved which was so exciting as it meant I got to finally have my dream come true. The choir were insane, and brought the track into a whole new world and made it sound completely different.

When they came into the session they had a listen to the song and came up with their own choral arrangement and showed it to me and I died. They made it their own song and I was blown away.

Like, I love my song and I’m so proud of the original track, but this version is definitely my favourite and it’s also my mum’s [favourite].

MF: I think the most exciting thing about this version of the song was that is showed a completely different side of your artistry to what listeners have heard so far.

H: One hundred per cent! And that was another thing I wanted to do, I wanted to show people another side to me. It’s always great to give fans that sort of content, but it’s great to also show the older audiences that while I may be a young pop kid, I can do something more mature sounding.

MF: You started off as a really young artist who was continually growing and evolving while finding his feet in the industry. So looking back on your first two EPs and where you are at now with your music, do you get self-critical when you listen to those songs back?

H: Bro, I could release a song yesterday and I would be critical about it today *laughs*. I’m always changing my mind about things and always will be. But looking back at those songs, I see them as stepping stones as without those songs I wouldn’t be where I am today, and without releasing that music I wouldn’t be able to improve and get better.

Don’t get me wrong though, I do listen back to some of those songs and think that they are proper cringey but I was also 15/16 years old at the time. I do love the music I have put it out as it made sense at the time and the fans love it and still do, which is why it’s still apart of the live show.

MF: You’ve done a lot of collaboration with artists like Jonas Blue, NOTD, Sigala, NCT Dream and Red Foo. So what is your favourite thing about collaborating with other artists?

H: I just love hearing other people’s thoughts during the creative process as you could be both on different wavelengths, but you end up coming together in such a cool way. It’s also just great to have another brain in the room as creating music can be a little lonely sometimes.

I collaborated with NCT Dream and they are from South Korea and it was just an amazing experience as I got to go out there and experience their culture and meet their fans and make new fans at the same time.

I just love collaborating really. It’s also the way forward I think, definitely with streaming and social media as the more people on the track equals the wider it spreads.

Music has become the universal language. Like the fact you can have multiple languages in one song is crazy and exciting. I never thought I would have a song with a Korean speaking band, but it’s happened and it’s amazing.

MF: Previously in interviews and social media you’ve said that you’re not going to start working on an album until you’ve really found your sound and are fully comfortable with your vision. So through the release of these recent singles would you say that you’re closer to finding that?

H: Yeah, I feel like I have now. I’ve actually been working on an album and it’s going to be released really soon.

But a little while ago I would say that I hadn’t found my sound yet, and I just wanted to focus on experimenting and discovering what that sound was. Whereas now I feel like I’ve discovered who I am as an artist, and found music that I love and feel confident with.

The post HRVY On Lessons From Touring & How A Fan Comment On Instagram Helped Write His Latest Single appeared first on Music Feeds.

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