#like obviously sometimes you have to cancel. but when it becomes a pattern of behaviour then it just kind of sucks

[thats-sir-dyke-to-you]

This is probably an unpopular opinion: so, i'll just preface with: Im saying this as a person with disability and chronic illness:

At a certain point its a bit shitty when people keep cancelling plans. I know sometimes health can get in the way of things but when you're ALWAYS reaching out to your friend and they are ALWAYS cancelling on you, it really, really sucks.

I don't cancel plans often. Usually I go through with them, even if I feel like pure death. I will save up all my energy for a day to see my friends. I put in that effort, even if sometimes it causes me to flare. And yeah, I could stand to tone it down a little, but I really dont like cancelling.

Because I've had friends cancel plans on me. a lot. And its usually people im trying to get back into contact with. It sucks to be cancelled on, and even though you know the person isn't doing it maliciously, after a certain amount of times it just starts to feel like they dont actually want to see you.

Of course you need to look after your health and comfort, but I sometimes feel like people can focus too much on prioritising their comfort over their relationships. Relationships are hard work and unfortunately, that sometimes means pushing through exhaustion and pain for someone because you care about them.

Disability and illness can be really isolating. In order to get rid of that loneliness, it means meeting up with people. And adjusting to living with disability and chronic illness means learning to balance those two forces. If you find yourself always cancelling and notice that your friendships are fading, you're not acting in your best interest. You are going to have to be uncomfortable and push yourself. You are going to have to put effort in, or be content with people pulling away because the relationship is becoming one-sided.

It should also just be basic etiquette that if you cancel on someone, it should be your responsibility to reschedule. And you should try not to let the person down again.

Like, I get it. Im sometimes exhausted and in pain and dont feel up to hanging out. I do it anyway. Because its good for the relationship, its good for my mental health, and its good to push your boundaries sometime. Its like exercise a muscle, if you dont push it, you dont get stronger. You dont grow.

It sucks to put in all that work, and get nothing back. It also especially sucks when it feels like your friend gives up on plans at the slightest hint of resistance. If you cancel, maybe try communicating why.

But in general i think that people have become too blasé about this kind of thing. Yes, life gets in the way, but at a certain point you have to stop victimising yourself and realise that youre treating people badly. You're not the only person whos struggling, and you owe it to yourself to try and do something that will make you feel better long-term -- like fulfilling relationships with others -- rather than prioritising short term gains (like getting to rest)

TLDR: cancelling plans sucks, and getting cancelled on sucks too. Remember, its never just one person losing a friend, its always at least two, and thats awful. Dont let yourself fall into the trap of neglecting your relationships. Part of taking care of your wellbeing means taking care of your social health too.

[viciousviolins]

You seem like a very confident person and that’s something I really wish I had. Do you have any advice or specific things that you do to help you build that?

Why thank you! I through up a more detailed post on this on my blog: But here is the first main half! 

https://sexualinnuendo.ca/2019/12/19/whats-wrong-with-being-confident/

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Despite what some might believe, confidence is something you need to actually work on. Some people are born with inherent confidence of course, but you have to reinforce mentally the thoughts that help perpetuate confidence. I think at the root of it is loving yourself though. If you don’t love yourself and who you are, how can you be confident in what you have to offer?

Now if you’re like, ‘greatttttt I don’t really like myself.’ I have to ask you why? What is it you don’t like about yourself? If its behavioural characteristics... change them.

>>For Example: If you don’t like how you’re always negative. Start exercising positive beliefs. Affirm them to yourself. Wake up each morning and state 5 good things. Next day do 6, then do 7. Reinforce positive patterns. Soon it becomes a little more second-nature. Everything is all within your power. You can change your thought patterns, and help mould them into what you want to be. For every bad thought you have, think of five things that negate it.

Now physically if you have some problem areas you don’t like about yourself, I admit that is a little more challenging to overcome. Now, of course, the generic answer is to change them too. However, that can become very extreme and get out of hand quickly and doesn’t always garner the positive results you expected. So that's really not a great solution. Although, If you need that boob job to feel confident, do it, get it! That being said, I firmly believe that you can accept the things you cannot change (at least not change easily, safely and cheaply) and be at the very least, at peace with them. So you have a big nose, or small tits, or a bit of a belly. So what? A lot of people do. Nobody's perfect. Some of the most confident, sexy people are even more alluring because of the fact they embrace and flaunt what some people would deem as flaws. It's pushing past those barriers that this 'fault' you see is what kills you in the water. A big nose doesn't negate the fact all the other wonderful things you have going for you. It can make you relatable, attainable, and have something for yourself to poke fun at. Lots of positives can just totally cancel that out too. If you have incredible eyes, nobody is looking at your nose. Plus I guarantee something you dislike, others might kill for. Appreciate your body for being your most treasured possession. You could've been born a scorpion or penis-fish. Look at your beautiful flesh and bones, and love it! Obviously, people have some deep-rooted self-esteem issues that can't be fixed by these mere words on a page. But in spite of some insecurities, you can for sure still be an overall confident individual! Also, all the things you are insecure about, most people don't even notice because they are busy worrying about their own silly insecurities. All the 'problems' you think you have are guaranteed not unique to you or new. Everyone has them. Remember we are all in this together.

No one is stopping you from being the best version of yourself except you. Remember, you are in control of your manifest destiny. AKA: Fake it till you make it. If you put yourself out there, and tell yourself you can be confident and work a room... guess what, all of a sudden you sort of can. Put your mind to it and it will start to become a reality. When you feel in control, that's when you can be your best self. Tell yourself that being uncomfortable is your great strength and that you can turn it around, even when you may not be the smartest or most fun person in the room. If you believe you can, that's 75% of the battle. Fear holds a lot of people back... don't let it imprison you!

Speaking of fear, you can't let it control you. You have to be open to the fact that, you just might make a fool out of yourself. Some people won't like you. You might say the wrong thing. You might straight-up embarrass yourself sometimes. The sexiest and most confident thing you can do in a moment of weakness is laugh it off. If it doesn't phase you, and you can laugh along, you're doing everything right. You aren't always going to do the right and best thing, and be this suave, Don Juan, and that's ok! True confidence is just going balls to the wall anyway, and not being upset over possible results, whether they are good or bad. You have to become comfortable with the fact that failure is always an option. Life is too short to not just be yourself, and be comfortable in your own fabulously unique skin!

[checkeredcat]

Cancel Culture: Is it fair?

Project description:

Being in quarantine has definitely increased the amount of time I personally spend on social media. I tried to read, try to exercise, but ultimately I end up on Instagram or TikTok. I’ve also been posting more for the sake of it, but I realised this comes with its’ problems. The more content you put out, the more you are sharing about yourself and your opinions, which everyone might not agree with. This got me thinking about celebrities and influencers. Their every post and opinion is being scrutinised by thousands and sometimes millions of people. Alongside this, came the development of ‘Cancel Culture’. The best definition I could find for this comes from an article by Aja Romano (2019). She writes, “Cancel culture, describes a form of boycott in which someone (usually a celebrity) who has shared a questionable or unpopular opinion, or has had behaviour that is perceived to be problematic, is called out on social media”. My project will look to understand this ‘cancel culture’ more deeply whilst uncovering the dangers of the internet due to regulations, or a lack of.

Method:

The most useful method I could use to investigate ‘cancel culture’ would be a visual discourse analysis. A discourse analysis is a qualitative research method that examines the organisation of language and images. As discussed by Van Dijk (1997), any type of discourse analysis must seek to explain who, why, how and where language is being used. What I understood from this is that there is much more behind a picture or caption which is left for the audience to interpret. To conduct a successful visual discourse analysis, one would have to interpret a deeper meaning beyond the surface of a post. A caption alongside a photo is also something to break down and analyse because it is usually used to add more meaning to a photograph. Daymon and Holloway (2002) suggest that researchers who use a discourse analysis must look at three things in specific. One is the form and content of the language used, essentially what the caption means. Another is the way people use language to communicate ideas and beliefs, meaning what they want their audience to think after seeing their post. Finally, the third one is any institutional or organisational factors which may affect the way language is being used. Therefore, in order to thoroughly conduct a discourse analysis you must make sure those three stems are accounted for. I will conduct my qualitative research by collecting data from Instagram and TikToks of five celebrities who have been ‘cancelled’ for something in the last three years. I will be screenshooting information on their posts (pictures, captions and comments) and then create a coding system of similarities across the three scenarios. This will ensure that I can pick out patterns and reoccurring themes across the three events.

Discussion:

Social networking sites can be said to alter the sense of what it means to be an individual. I believe that on social media, people usually present versions of themselves that are different or ‘better’ in their eyes to their actual self. This means people may occasionally fall into the trap of posting things they do not actually believe, in order to keep a certain image of themselves alive. With controversial posts, inevitably comes controversial backlash and hate. Nakamura and Chow-White (2013) also note that this hate is propagated via different platforms. For example, Nessa Barrett is a seventeen year old TikTok star who was recently ‘cancelled’ because she posted a video dancing inappropriately to a Quran recitation. People are understandably disgusted by what she had done and went from her TikTok to her Instagram to comment their thoughts. This is an example of what Nakamura and Chow-White were explaining. However, this so called ‘cancelled culture’ may just be more apparent to us in today’s society because there are platforms to easily share your views on. It is not necessarily that society has become more sensitive, it is purely that there is now an easy way to share your view/hate on something. This is supported by Murthy and Sharma (2018). There is a problem when it comes to theorising online antagonisms. They identify that although online hate does seem to be increasing dramatically, this may reflect a change in the way we are communicating rather than an increase in the amount of hate taking place.

Over 90 million instagram posts are made in one day. Out of this unfathomable number, can you imagine how many people experience online hate because it is so easy? The internet is clearly being regulated and watched. Situations such as Cambridge Analytica where Facebook was wrongly using peoples data exposes social networking sites as trackers of our data. If they have ultimate control over social media, why do they allow such hate to continue? If they know a post is bound to bring general upset and cause offence then they should also not allow the post to be uploaded in the first place. In addition, after an offensive post is uploaded, they should be able to limit the amount of hateful comments said to someone. After reading a revised edition of Foucualt’s (1977) work, it is clear that he warns of the ‘hierarchal observation’ we are under as humans. As societies have grown and changed, the ways in which we are ‘observed’ has changed. We are now being observed by our activities online and our digital footprints. The surveillance we are under seems to only be used at the benefit of the government rather than for the protection of our mental healths. Nessa Barrett is a seventeen year old girl. Although I do not agree with what she did, the hundreds of death threats she received would be too much for anyone to handle. In this situation, I do believe that Instagram and TikTok should have at least temporarily disabled or limited her account to people. If our content is being surveilled, it makes no sense to why posts like this are able to be uploaded in the first place. I argue that the regulation of social media is weak and this leads to an inevitable cancelling culture.

Contribution:

As mentioned earlier, I undertook a visual discourse analysis of five celebrity instances which demonstrate ‘cancel culture’. The first one was of Nessa Barrett’s comment section after dancing to the Quran and then making a public apology saying she did not know what she was dancing to. The post was obviously deleted but people still commented on all of her other content to express themselves. One comment that stood out in particular was “Filthy rat. You should not be on this earth.” It would be almost impossible for Nessa to block every person who left a hate comment and there were many more like these. Another celebrity who was cancelled in 2018 was Logan Paul. Whilst visiting a Japanese suicide forest, Logan Paul filmed a dead body whilst vlogging for his Youtube channel. This also caused outrage on Instagram and Twitter as it was trending for 3 days. Most of his comments read “That should be you lying there dead.” I accumulated some of the worst comments I saw across five situations like these, and identified the pattern that usually when a group of people like a religion or culture feel attacked by a post, the ‘cancel culture’ is heightened. Death threats are entirely too common on these posts which worries me because influencers are usually young and impressionable. This is dangerous and the internet should do a better job at regulating these comments. I think it is fair for people to stop watching your content if you have offended them, but I argue that trolls who send death threats are just as bad. Online culture has become so hateful nowadays simply due to the fact that we do not see the consequences of our actions. My findings of the visual analysis were shocking because seeing the amount of people so comfortable telling someone to “kill yourself” online was disturbing. Cancel culture is definitely concerning for society because it exists to drive hate against one person at a time until someone else makes a mistake.

Whilst I do not agree with cancel culture, I do not think it has a direct impact for long. For example, both Nessa Barrett and Logan Paul still have over one million followers online. If people were really ‘boycotting’ their content, their following would have dramatically decreased. The fact that people still follow them after supposedly being disgusted by them emphasises how ‘cancel culture’ does not actually lead to people being “cancelled” completely, but rather “cancelled” until there is someone else to hate on. Then again, once something is on the internet, it is very difficult to have it fully erased forever, so your mistakes might come back to haunt you again one day. This is also unfair, because people may drag up your past after you have grown and changed. Do we deserved to be cancelled over something we immaturely posted 10 years ago?