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Self-destructive

Who am I kidding, I literally keep breaking my own rules. I was excellent with keeping my own thoughts to myself and I just had to tell my point across. At my 30s, I strive not to become the person I would hate to become. I figured that I am surrounded by people who will never listen nor consider of my intent. I will always be wrong even if I feel like I’ve been wronged. I will never be the hero and need to accept that I will be their villain. I need to remember not to let myself be vulnerable and not to seek refuge from people. There will be times that I’ll be on my own and I want to be strong for that. I just have to accept and understand that I will never be validated; and that amongst us, I am insignificant.  Since I can’t change the what I am gifted to be surrounded with, I gotta be more strategic to protect myself: - If you want to say something to prove a point, just don’t bother. Remember, you are never gonna be validated. You are expected to just take things as it is, and move on.  - You are expected to have a stronger personality. As a result, anything you say or do, even with good intentions, will still be used against you and you just gotta accept it. Your emotions will never matter to these people. Just be glad that you have other people to run to and vent these things just to avoid carrying all these burden.  - Keep masking how you feel. Other than it has wrinkle preventing properties, no one will truly ever know how it impacts you. Don’t let these people see you get affected, let alone give them the advantage of seeing you struggle or suffer. I know that you are a very vocal person in-which you have been. But at this stage of your life, you can’t be as vocal as you were. It’s time to choose which are the ones who will genuinely listen and try to understand you rather than expecting to get these from those you already know who won’t. - You are a people pleaser. You will never be happy if you have to please everyone. It’s about time to be contented with the people who truly know who you are as a person. - And finally, don’t let these type of personalities take the best in you. Life is so precious, and it’s best to dwell on things that matters to you and not get sucked up to that negative vibe that they are trying to pass onto you. 

I have been so stubborn, and I am pretty sure that my partner agrees. But I also noticed how hard he is trying to protect my mental health and how he ensured that I prevent becoming self-destructive. The fact that I have one person who goes miles in trying to understand my consequences is already rewarding and reassuring. 

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I know.

I’ve lived my life trying to please the people I am surrounded with. Sometimes, it’s just not manageable whenever I try to keep things in control. Today, I felt judged and got manipulated by people whom I thought were very close to my heart. I was out in the open and made me feel that I am free to vocalize and express my thoughts and emotions. Today, I hope it’s not too late for me to be more private. It sucks that I have to protect myself and them from you. “What they don’t know, they cannot destroy.” And what they don’t know, is that I am well aware about the type of person they see me as.  “Let’s focus on the [Fuuu].” But why? Have I not compromised enough? If there’s something I am looking forward to, it’s someone else that I have wished for a long time, someone so vital to my life. And it’s just so hard for me to understand that she didn’t even cross your mind. And how are these people more significant to you than your own blood and flesh. I’m a people pleaser, because of you. Hence, every endeavour that I have accomplished, it was all for you. You were always included in every plans I have made. And yet, how can you be so insensitive and inconsiderate with my situation. Since when did I become the villain. My priorities have finally shifted to someone else. And because of this statement, I truly know what to really focus on.  I will become the person you misjudged, and I prefer that you continue to see me the way you already do. I am done trying.

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It’s JUST another title

“Manipulate” - I was defined as a person who is manipulative. I was entitled as someone who manipulates by a consort. My world paused upon hearing it, and it played in my mind 5x to be exact in a matter of 2 seconds. I was trying to absorb the word that was utilized to describe me. 

To be honest, I just wanted to vent out for what happened to me today. I just needed more time to let some emotions out. I was definitely not expecting that he would utter the word manipulate > suggesting - I was just being suggestive that maybe your errands can wait. 

Today wasn’t the best day for me. Especially now that I came to realize where I truly stand in a relationship. The term “marriage” was definitely an enticing stage in-which I’ve been waiting to reach in the past. Enchanting - is exactly the false perception I have had regarding a happily ever after marriage. I will never be reasonable, and I will always be “controlling”.

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In Another Life..

I would be that girl.

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Bride to be <3

In the past year, I remember being broken. I remember being almost at the point of desperation, thinking that I will never get the chance to be with the person I love most. I thought that the boy I was previously with last year, was the only person who will make me happy. 

I have definitely confirmed that God truly loves me. He saved me from a lifetime of suffering and misery. I am thankful that I learned to value and love myself; in such a way that I have become independent. That taught me not to rely on people, and to resolve phenomenas on my own. Although, I was never alone. 

I finally had the chance to reconnect with a man I’ve always had a crush on back when I was younger (Credits to my sibling who turned this into reality). He is everything I have ever wanted in a man. I can pretty much say “You have to be a Thurdy for me to have feelings for you”. In his most simplest ways, I have found the love that I almost missed out on. His drive and motivation is phenomenal, in which I admire the most. In addition, I’ve never felt safe and secured from a man before. Although, he tends to have a bit of condescending personality; and yet, makes me laugh, cry, and feel butterflies in a span of minutes. He’s always had a gentle approach when it comes to me, and apologetic for anything that upsets me (even if it isn’t his fault). I’ve always felt beautiful, and he became my confidence and ego booster. (He really finds me beautiful, I don’t even give myself credit for anything superficial). He can play the guitar with any song of my request. He doesn’t have the best voice in the world, but for some reason, listening to him sing has been substantial for me. I found my cheerleader, my personal nurse, a brother, a best friend, (sometimes my father when he gets cranky and reinforces for me to be home before 12 - 1 am), my last love, my soul mate, more than just a husband. 

He is my balance. A person, blatantly honest, too straight forward, and will keep me grounded. Someone who is humble and is willing to help others (even if the yang of my yin tells him not to help pretty female beings just because I am territorial). He picked up the pieces of my heart. I was at my worst but he accepted me as a friend and as a guide. I never felt forced; and instead, helped me to lighten things up, to learn to have a positive outlook, and be myself. Well, being the one of those paranoid human in this planet, that I tend to nag. But he accepted my flaws, heard no complaints, and loved me whole heartedly. I already loved him, so it was easier to fall deep in love with him, and the easiest for my heart to grow and expand wider. 

He knew I was “The One”, and I became one of people he has been sure of. Someone who is sure about you without doubts about you is a blessing from up above. He proposed, with a ring on my finger, and I can’t wait for him to put on THE second ring in December. <3  CGA + JNC 12.18.18 ~ Bride to be ~ Your future Mrs. C. Cabiladas 

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Im sorry

I don’t know what happened. I don’t know why I’m in this situation right now. To the 2 people I have hurt today, I’m sorry. Tbh, I’m glad it’s not you. It will kill me if this happened to me. I don’t know, I got so confused. 😰😓

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I am ready

It has been a chaotic 3 weeks of misery, torture, and self-pity. As days pass, it felt like there’s no way to escape this dark tunnel that I am stuck in. I fought, and I did not stop. It was silly of me for putting myself into a melodramatic story which almost caused me to lose myself. To be honest, you came to my life when I was vulnerable. And I’m glad that you came to my life to help me survive the darkness I was also in. And because of you, I learned a lot about love, commitments, and mistakes. 

We met organically, and it was such a beautiful story. I believe that I met the right person at the wrong time, and I figured that you can’t win every battle that you try to fight for. Our issue is that, we love each other so much, but the world is not ready for us to be as one. I know you’re tired of hearing hatred being put against me, and it hurts you so much that they don’t see me the way you look at me. At this point, I have to save myself too. 

You’re coming back in 3 days, and I don’t know what is going to happen. And whatever it is, I am prepared for it. Waiting for what is yet to come is definitely difficult. You may break the promises you informed me just a month ago, but I forgive you. It’s not your fault. Our love is still real; although, I understand why you have to hold things back. I also gotta look out for myself. I would say that I am done fighting. I gotta focus with what is ahead of me, without you, and hopefully it will be another beautiful journey. Or my happily ever after.. . Thank you. 

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Anxiety

Have you ever wanted something that you pushed yourself soo hard to claim it? *sigh. I'm glad that most people I've met are already living the dream. Whereas, im currently being bugged by fear and misery. I wanna believe in myself really badly. However, knowing that someone got the good news who took it later than I did makes me feel bad about myself. I wish I would have more confidence in myself. And i also wish that things will fall to places where i want it to be. And i truly hope that this most awaited achievement in my life will finally be accomplished. Open the doors for me Lord God. Help me get through this agony with a smile on my face. I know I have been constantly asking a lot; and yet, I know you're there. *sigh

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Hopeful

Sooo, as days pass by, i am starting to feel okay. There's still uncertainty in my heart; and yet, I really worked hard on it. Since day 1, i didnt even have intentions of getting there, but i got in. The easiest access there was. And i feel grateful. At each level, ive went through to different types of stress. And yet, i still made it. I am hoping that I'll still make it and claim the greatest achievement i will have. May you help me Lord God claim it. May you please cast away my worries and doubts; and allow me Lord to trust myself. #LetGodandLetGod

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*sigh

I hate myself. I've never felt soo disappointed. I thought I got it. And as day passes by, i already know i didn't. This feeling sucks soo much. I think it wouldve been best if I didnt hear anything from other people. Now i feel so miserable. I haven't gotten the results yet, although i dnt know why i feel hurt. Already.. There's no what ifs. That is the problem. I want to be at peace. 😓 People tell me that was the last leap. But it felt like it wasnt. They say, if you you made it, you will feel it. I somehow don't feel anything. Ughh. A month long of this? 😭 sucks soo much.

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Note to self

You have dreams. There are many reasons why you halt yourself from doing what you want because you want to accomplish achievements you have been attaining to cross off your success list. And when that day comes, everything will go smoothly. Things will fall to its rightful places soon. You just have to be patient and disregard the hatred you are feeling right now. They will definitely aim you at your weakest spot. And you will get hurt today. And the moment you have achieved your desires, you'd feel like your the happiest and blessed woman in the planet. Just wait for that beautiful moment. And you will have that beautiful moment. You're one step closer to your dreams. Embrace it! Claim it!

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Quality vs Quantity

Tbh, I don’t know why I am always going through this type of trials in life. Today, I feel unwanted. Of course I will have other people who will accept me and love me for who I really am. And there will be those people who are waiting to see me fall. It hurts me a lot that people comes in to your life and then decides to go away as if you were such a bad person. I have been soo emotional just because I always have to deal with being alone at home. How I somehow wish that my family would be around me; and I know that things will get better again. I just pray to Lord God, hoping that he will heal my feelings of inadequacy. I hate my character. I somehow feel insecure at moments. I wish I could do something about it and re-teach myself to never feel that way. Although, this only happened because I was surrounded by people who has made me feel this way. I’ve been constantly being judged, and I never defended myself. I didn’t because people will believe what they want to believe. *sigh. I just hope I go through this. I will go through this. I have to learn to be alone because no one is truly willing to stay anyway. 

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You’re not a bad person for the ways you tried to kill your sadness.

(via dignitea)

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Nothing kills you like your mind

(via queensummit)

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If it is still in your mind it is worth taking the risk.

Paulo Coelho (via wordsnquotes)

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Always stay true to yourself and never sacrifice who you are for anyone.

(via ohlovequotes)