#but i also don't wanna push myself | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

aza-trash-can · 1 year ago

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So tired

So eepy

No writing

No drawing

Just watch shows and go to bed

#aza's trash #sucks cause i wanna do more writing tonight #and i wanna draw my daily loth cat #but i also don't wanna push myself #gotta get some good rest

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creaturefeaster · 6 months ago

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which character/s in colorquest is currently getting a redesign?

Gary is still getting tweaked here and there, it's a slow and on-going process.

While I don't plan on changing much else about him, recently I've decided to give Chickenstab's host a tail. (See: my latest doodle page from a handful of days ago)

I've been debating changing Hannah's initial outfit lately as well. She's from a part of Stolla that is much warmer year-round, but having moved much higher up, starting the story in mid-late October, it's rather chilly for her to be wearing thin shorts, flip-flops and a tank top. But, I've not thought too much into exactly what this new outfit would be, and I'd still hold on to this outfit for a different, warmer part of the story because I love it too much to ever fully part ways with it.

I've been fiddling with April's bangs lately too. I don't have a picture on hand at the moment but I'll try to tack it onto this post later when I do, but I've always been a little iffy about her bangs. Especially with Elliot's being similar, I feel like the bang style fits his hair more than it fits April.

Nobody has gotten a huge overhaul design change yet, but I definitely feel something bubbling within me to give a huge makeover to a character or two. I just have to figure out if there's a design I'm not happy with that I've just been suppressing. Because I tend to do that from time to time lol.

#brambleramble #trying to reflect on my thoughts right now in the tags #*is* there someones design ive never been huge about but just pushed on with anyway?#maggies host has always been kind of boring for me to draw i guess. i feel like i gotta push myself to draw it #but in some aspects its still cute #so idk. bluh!!!#much to think about #honestly im also open to input on character designs if anybody ever has suggestions #gentle input. i am not in the head space for harsh critiques on their designs atm SBFHFBSBS #honestly i wanna get in touch with the person who drew samantha in a striped sweater #because id like to try drawing that out myself because im sort of in love with it.#but I don't want to do anything without talking to them first about it

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kitorin · 8 months ago

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I WANNA GET HIS NUMBER

#sou's thoughts #hi here to give context down here #i've been going to this badminton club #and there's this super sweet guy who i admire sm #bc i don't speak chinese at all and people keep assuming i do but never remember that i don't #BUT HE REMEMBERED I DON'T and even goes as far as speaking english for me and translating #like this lady started speaking to me in chinese and i was so lost BUT HE WAS NEARBY AND TRANSLATED FOR ME #school starts soon so tomorrow's my last day #since wechat won't work (mf won't let me sign up) i'm gonna ask for his number #also i wanna try do more small talk !!#idek his age yet and what he does i just know how long he's played #but he's super fun to play with so i want to invite him if i ever book courts during the term #he's literally my role model #i wanna make someone feel that welcome bc before i spoke to him i felt so left out #and kept telling myself that i should just push through and make use of being able to play with new people #now i've been so excited to go and speak to new people #anyways long ass ramble but wish me luck !!#ngl last time i made friends outside of school i did it by trading parent numbers #SO LIIIIIKE #i'm nervous

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softshuji · 8 months ago

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Any men out there wanna pretend to be my bf to get my parents off my case about marriage? I am so so serious right now.

#my mom gave me a really really lonf lecture and upset me because her and my dad want me to start thinking about settling down ans getting #married. again. cos this comes up all the time. ans I reiterated that i do wanna marry and have kids. i know im 26 years old why do they'#think im also not aware of this??? like i suddenly forgot my own age and have my head in the clouds all the time. and i got so heated cos i #said they only believe in that in theory. in reality neither of them have accepted the idea od my leaving home or the idea of mw being with #a man. and they start freaking out if they even find out i talk to them so to say they want me to get married is so fucking naive #ans when i mentioned this and that they're more than ok w mt brothers talking tp women she said that if i wanted to settle down she could #talk to dad and they could “go about finding someone for me” and I've never been so pissed #i got so upset. why does everyone keep saying this to me. as if anyone my dad knows could ever be a half decent man #and the truth is they don't care if im in a happy marriage they've accepted that i won't be they only care that im gone and saving face in #front of family. that's all. it's always reputation it's always “what will people say?”#not once did love come up. not once did shw even imply that i should marryfor love #or that they hope i love someone and marry them. because they're more happy with the idea of me marrying for the sake of it than #they are at the idea of me finding genuine lovw #im not a fucking broodmare im not here to push out babies for the sake od reputation.#and then i said nor being married isn't the end of the world and she said “it's important that you settle down”#and i said im unwavering in my principles. she can call mw high maintenance like she loves doing but I'm not wavering on the #kind of man i want to be with and when i do marry him i want it to bw genuine. because be loves me and vice versa not because im ticking off #somethin from a damn checklist to appease them. and if being unwavering on my principles means staying unmarried then so be it.#my obligations are to god and myself and that's it #and y'know what??? i am in love with a boy already #and yet they don't care that i wanna be in love at all. no im just a puppet to follow a certain narrative in life live according to evergone #else has and that's it.#im done.#and then she tried to apologise by getting me a slice of cake and that somehow made me feel worse.#i dont want an apology. i want to be heard and actually listened to for once. i want someone to ask what i want. to actually give a shit #and love me cos it's me. not cos im some thing to further an agenda. or some toy or puppet that does your bidding.#is it so much??? to just want to be loved in return? to marry and live according to how i want to?? ans not want anyone to make these #decision's for me?#ruined my whole day.

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luv-again · 18 days ago

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sobbing bc i gotta reread my own goddamn fic to remember whatever diabolical theming, motifs and plot points i cooked up in development so i can continue carrying it throughout the piece and NOT derailing the entire story by forgetting and going off on a nonsense tangent that has no depth

#bee blabs #GOD i hate writing #but i love it still #it's just so hard to think and remember shit #esp now that my attention is divided #nevertheless i am pushing through #i refuse to succumb to failure #i have to get this part of the fic done #then i can just drop it until i finish working or sumn #when i can return to it with a clearer head and without the crippling time crunch #bc this fic is my magnum opus in ideation #and i want it to be so literally as well #i've wanted to write out cryptic castle like this for so long #i just wanna do it right (by the audience and myself)#there's so much i want to explore within this context #and if it doesn't come through #i'll be genuinely devastated #i'm never joking when i say i tear pieces of my soul and inject them into my work #this is why they take so long or dribble on the way they do #i love what i do but i'm also a chronic perfectionist #i will AGONISE over everything until it's at a standard where i don't hate it #writing isn't just a hobby for me guys #it's a craft - an art #and i will die a thousand times in my endeavour to hone it and find my style

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invinciblerodent · 1 month ago

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(oh, i should not be trying to playfully weigh in on a "who's your LEAST favorite companion?" post, it starts off lighthearted and then it makes me go on my Fenris-rant again)

#squirrel plays dragon age #long story short; I don't dislike the character per se; I just think Gaider wasn't the right person to write him #and I feel somewhat vindicated by the knowledge that he didn't really choose to write him but was more or less left with him #David Gaider is a good but very unsubtle writer. he writes feelings that are LOUD and CLEAR and PASSIONATE. which is not a negative #it can work splendidly; for characters who can carry that weight and stand up to it #like Dorian for instance- I think he's Gaider at his absolute BEST for me. LOUD and PASSIONATE but also OOZING charisma #and the apparent arrogance and flippancy just adds to that. knowing the image he wants to present and how he demands to be seen;#the lines/feelings that don't match what he says or that warm and vibrant persona create a kind of contrast I wanna explore #but Fenris... he feels just as loudly; but both he and the story approaches that passion from a different angle #his loud feelings are cold and ugly and jagged; so getting close is an uphill battle solved mostly by the player finding him intriguing #or charming; and WANTING to figure him out and interact with him to find out where those feelings come from #he's not crying out to be known; he recoils from you and snaps at you at first; and you have to keep pushing to get past that #all while holding (reasonable but hard) views that snag and create uncomfortable conflicts with most of the cast and usually the PC too #which... I could personally take or leave; so being pushed away deliberately; well; it achieved the intended effect for me #I DO feel pushed away. but since I don't personally find myself very charmed or intrigued; I also don't feel compelled to keep pushing back #looking at it through my Hawke; I don't see much of a reason for him to be in my party besides the expectation that I'm meant to like him #and I can't explain it away by my Hawke liking him either because with the kind of characters I like to play; he just... doesn't jive #which made going through his storyline not a desire for me but rather a chore; AND it didn't endear him to me but made me go #“well I get why you're the way that you are now.... I still don't really wanna spend time around you tho”#i realize it's ofc not the same for others; but to me; it didn't end up giving me much satisfaction #aw dangit; look at that; i started my rant again #why didn't anyone stop me huh #oh well slapping on a #fenris critical #and shoving this catharsis out the door like the incorrigible yapper that i am

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watery-melon-baller · 2 months ago

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Lads i have Fucked Up Big Time

#somehow I just. Fuckin. Forgot. That if I wanna switch my major that I have to do a bunch if shit #and I missed the deadline for it because I didn't realize that I needed to do it and also forgot to reach out about it until WAY too late #so now I can't do anything until the spring #which is also bad because I don't know what the fuck my class schedule should be!!!!!!!#advisor told me that I can talk to her after the enrollment period and schedule a meeting and we can figure out what I'm doing from there #but like. ouggggggghhg #Im so worried there's gonna be some fuckup with my schedule and I won't be able to register for enough classes to be a full time student #which would be so bad #idk should I just wait until AFTER the enrollment period??? and just have no classes???#I'm gonna try and register for a few classes so I at the very least have Something in my schedule #mainly ones for my current (old) major and a few of the new classes #because multiple classes that I need to take I can Only take them IF I'm enrolled in that major. Which I'm currently not because I'm stupid #im just stressed now and unfortunately there isn't much i can do 🥰#i don't even know which classes I should be trying to take. I can GUESS but like who the fuck knows #so i can't even try and plan out a potential schedule i just get to sit on my ass and stress #sighh. im gonna try to not think about it bc its gonna stress me out #on one hand it's tempting to blame like. idk. literally every adult i talked to because none of them actually told me #“Hey btw you actually need to go to this office and fill out this paperwork and submit it by a due date”#they were just like yeah okay u can take some classes. and then we'll figure it out later #like. i would have gone and done the shit if I knew I needed to do iT!!!!#but also I should have sat down and looked more into it to so #bleughhhhhhhh #I'm just stressed. and annoyed. at myself mainly because like. duh of course I'd have to go fill out paperwork but I just was like #“Yeah I'll talk to my advisor later” and kept pushing shit off until it was too late <3 #idk man im. so tired #hopefully it'll all work out okay and fine and i won't have the shittiest schedule on earth next semester #and hopefully the classes i need won't fill up!!!! :))))))#ahahahahahsh #im fucked man #lilac post

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beneathsilverstars · 5 months ago

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i know i was just complaining about stylizing loop's body but i figured that out and moved on and it turns out the head is so much harder 😭 i'm very happy with canon loop head and post-bodycraft loop head but the in-between phase is kicking my ASS and i can't just half-ass it bc figuring out the in-between head is the ENTIRE POINT of this WHOLE PROJECT....

i think part of the problem might be that unlike with the body, i do have an extremely clear idea of what is happening with the head physically and how it would look irl, it's just. a very difficult thing to draw. so i keep rejecting ideas that look good bc they're not my actual headcanon, but then also rejecting attempts to faithfully depict the headcanon bc they don't look good. head in my hands

#i set the tablet down for the night on a sketch that looks good but #most of my other sketches have also looked good :/ then i line them and it's not right at all #sigh #it might be easier if i changed how i draw the canon head but. j don't want to i like it....#maybe just worry less abt being an in-between phase and more do something entirely unique?#and then theoretically there's phases between all three points #like using pink to blend yellow and purple instead of blending directly....#that's so much going on though 😭#idk hopefully that last sketch i did will work 😭😭#this has been a fun process tho #i don't usually iterate this much with anything except clothes #so it's cool to hammer away at a hard problem #and push myself to stylize in different ways #without feeling like i've ruined an entire illustration if the experiment fails #and i've figured out some cool techniques that might be fun to use in other places to give illustrations a particular vibe!#i'm just so invested in getting this head right tho that i'm like AHHHHHHH #😤😤😤#silverstarschat #ugh on third thought maybe the canon head rly is my issue #it looks cool but it's not rly faithfully depicting my headcanon is it #so ofc any attempt to draw smth sorta like it won't match my headcanons either #OH I JUSF HAD AN IDEA #FUCK #I WANNA TRY IT SO BAD BUT I ALREADY TOOK MY CONTACTS OUT #AHHH I GOTTA faLL ASLEEP SO I CAN WAKE UP AND DRAW IT!!!!#ooohhhhh this is gonna be so good #crossing my goddamn fingers it works out #!!!!!!!

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the-admin-behind-the-slaughter · 6 months ago

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contemplating whether or not i should hc afton as part asian

#and like what kind of asian specifically?#i did contemplate having a half asian afton in rp but like i stopped myself cus i thought ''really?? with a surname like afton??''#i always heard a british accent in my head when writing out his dialogue #but also i see a lot of common fan headcanons of him being asian to some extent #should i make him part filipino? part japanese?#it'd be easy for me to play him as someone half filipino *ehem ehem #but also i don't wanna push it. i feel like he'd be too much of a self insert at that point #admin ramblings #i dunno guys what do you think?

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wereh0gz · 1 year ago

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I'm gonna be honest I'm so tempted to just look up a playthrough or cutscene comp of final horizon and unblock the tags bc I really don't want to keep playing it lmao

#ramblings #the difficulty spikes. why #i'm still baffled at how difficult it is even on easy mode like. the main game was nothing like this #and like the platforming challenges and stuff don't feel well designed #like idk that much abt level design but they platforming stuff usually feels more like those super hard levels ppl mod into games like ahit #if feels almost unfair at points #like the towers i feel i can only do in easy mode with all the balloons i can homing attack #otherwise they'd just be straight up impossible #AND THE FUCKING BOSS RUSH? WHERE YOU CAN'T GET ANY RINGS? AND RINGS DON'T REFILL BETWEEN BOSSES?#AND YOU HAVE TO START OVER FROM THE VERY BEGINNING WHEN YOU DIE?#like what were they thinking like actually #OH and i forgot to mention the controls. god the controls are just not good #they really need to fix them before even considering adding more playable characters in future games #idk it somehow feels just as rushed if not more than the base game #and the difficulty is just unfair #it's very disappointing but i'm also invested in the story and wanna know what changes they made to the actual ending #so idk. maybe i'll spoil it for myself. maybe i'll push through the bullshit. probably the former #i was looking forward to this so much too. sigh #sonic frontiers spoilers

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moralchampion · 7 months ago

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I'm starting to actually feel better, so now I'm even more worried about my exam tomorrow

#myself #like I kinda just wanna play sicker than I am until I was to the doctors and got myself out of writing it because I know it won't end well #if I write it tomorrow...#but also I've never done this before (not taking an exam) and I have no clue how that's meant to work #like I do know cause I just read up on it but I'd feel so guilty if I didn't take it tomorrow #I used to miss quite a few classes in school because I was sick (and made it seem worse than it actually was)#but I have never ever missed an exam I think (or maybe one but mhmmm)#and like there is literally people who push atleast 1 exam ahead per semester by getting a doctors note so I really shouldn't feel this bad #and like it'd probably be for the better #but also I'm lowkey worried that the doctor will make me sit out more than one exam which I do not want because I don't want to have to take #that many later on

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robinsnest2111 · 1 year ago

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I'm actually super upset about the fact my body is actively working against my carefully planned free time activities 😭

#I WANNA GO TO THAT GIG SO BAD WANTED TO SINCE I HEARD ABOUT IT LAST MONTH #got half a mind to just push through the pain and dizziness and go #but then there's the issue of The Blood....#and also... i'd get home around 1.30am tomorrow. and i got work tomorrow #and not getting enough sleep would make the pain and dizziness even worse #idek if i can work like this actually. but i don't wanna call in sick!!!!!#because i cannot call in sick over something so minor!!!! but also i cannot adequately care for myself at work #gotta be up and about for 8 hours no toilet breaks #but i cannot do that when i need a pitstop every 3 hours ughhhhhhh #i hate this body and all it stands for fr fr

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jamiebluewind · 10 months ago

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Oh my god could I stop being sick please? It's been two freaking months and I got shit to do!

#nasty bronchitis that ending up putting me in the hospital #I'm behind in doing real life things but also just so freakin tired #i wanna do dumb tumblr stuff #but i already have a post wrote up with links to all the info on shubble/wilbur situation so people don't have to look 50 different places #BUT I also don't wanna make every post I have time to make about... THAT #THAT'S DEPRESSING #but i said i would and I'm a person of my word so...#it's been over a month since I've been able to make a sound #you'd be surprised how bad it is sensory and emotion wise to not be able to laugh or make sounds when you cry or groan in frustration #I'm in PT too because I was so weak by the time I got in the hospital that I couldn't stand #was literally coughing so hard and so constantly that I couldn't keep down food #lost about 25 lbs in 3 weeks according to the doctors (I'm overweight but that is still a LOT for anybody that's not exercising to lose)#going to push myself today because my hair has gotten so thick and long that it's causing too many sensory issues #also a bit of gender dysphoria just to keep it interesting #the person who cuts my hair is aware of how sickly I am and is having me come in when she hasn't been doing a hair treatment before me #still there's a risk of an asthma attack or just collapsing from the short walk #literally do not care #my hair is thick and hot and too long #let me be an androgynous gremlin!#also my cat says hi (he is slapping my phone like No phone love me NOW!!! XD )#bluewind talks

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anxiousdelinquent · 2 years ago

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Man where are the aromantic relationship apps. I wanna qpr so bad but it's fucking impossible to make friends as a disabled adult stuck at home let alone find other aros ahhh

#ive considered trying dating apps anyway but idk #idk how much I wanna push myself to try and pretend im not aromantic dont think thays exactly healthy #but also im so fucking lonely and my friends keep getting boyfriends and then suddenly I like don't hear from them anymore its depressing #oh no axe is talking #aromantic #qpr

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unproduciblesmackdown · 2 years ago

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that moment when: everyone's lives are restricted and constricted and these imposed consequences are attributed to anyone's continual individual failures to seek, find, and follow the Correct Path through Life, and so everyone is left on their own to only be seeking & finding these failures as well as the only answer to how their lives can be better....versus Not seeing the world as the free marketplace meritocracy of everyone's personal failures/successes, nor everything in your own life, and thus not forever having to scrutinize Where You Must Be Bringing It Upon Yourself by fucking up or at least failing to do the correct thing, and exist only in perpetual punishment for your ongoing failure and occasional temporary reprieves from it. recognizing everything that wasn't & isn't & wouldn't be [this is because you're bringing it upon yourself] and thus having more capacity & capability to look at the realm of your personal individual self, reality, experiences, life through the perpetual instances of seeking, finding, and following your own needs/wants through one's inherent personhood and exercises of autonomy and recognition of where & when & how one recognizes moments of their existing freely & in more resonant genuine alignment with themself, you know? endless examples to be found in endless fractals of [where & how are people's lives made smaller]. and that of course this doesn't preclude the ability/option at any time to question one's choices, since you'll be able to find more Actual choices available to you (and, also crucially, find more actual choices made by others that are in the pursuit of limiting Yours) to look at, and people getting to exercise their autonomy isn't the same as "everyone doing anything they want regardless of how it affects others" since that [how does it affect others?] element instead being Regarded would be able to lead to recognizing that, in fact, an effect might be the infringement on others' autonomy, hence: There's A Problem....like the ability to just go ham with [questioning???] anything in existence, certainly including oneself, b/c the "norm" is such that rather you're only supposed to be able to question yourself for your failings (or those positioned as less than, thus, beneath you) and not even have the language to express a questioning of aspects of life beyond that b/c stop calling anyone "cis" they're just Normal, Just Be Normal and it would all be fine

#brought to you by: i think one of my feelings lately of A Shift is in my less than ever running this like continuous background function of #looking for Thee Answer (just like the black suits) in any & everything that could serve as the Key to like. whatever could fit into place #to like set things on a [hell yeah. life? better] path. juxtaposing this recent sense of things with the [lol. in retrospect i Do see a new #context wherein i can Recognize smthing abt myself] past going on of like. granpa greentext story be me be fifteen i'm in college b/c i hat #school i also mostly assumed i'd probably fail out freshman yr but didn't. i've never known what i'd wanna major in & as a sophomore i'm de #supposed to figure it out in time for scheduling my jr yr classes (though Ideally have known from the start / been scheduling thusly) & so #many evenings during dinner i'm furiously perusing the daily print news as i've been doing for some yrs to Keep Up W/Current Events but now #also consciously like ''boy i hope in the course of doing this i stumble across some info that sparks some eureka moment of Getting what my #major should Obviously be so i can understand the rest of my life around [do job] b/c i sure as hell don't understand it around [be married #much less [be parent] so one option remains obvi'' whereas now i realize like lol you Were figuring out a guiding light in doing so & that #perspective being honed was one of Having A Political Analysis times....which also provides another Example of [only being able to interpre #what makes your life & your world the way it is: via Your Personal Failures to have already Had Better] in that just like i often forget i #misguidedly (but also reasonably; clearly also using & seeking that autonomy & freedom) tried to have a better existence within the #situation i was in by Coming Out As Trans to parents via an email that was then not directly discussed ever; b/c any legitimate discussion #was not permissible like how so many matters of [supposed correct existence] are Unspeakable so as to be Unquestionable #languaging that succeeds & sustains itself having to be expansive / flexible / creative / evolving too. Making Up Words hell yes #anyways so i also forget i Did try to propose majoring in things that Did more approach what i was suspecting were things i'd wanna do #but even the first like expression of anything on the periphery of that was met with ''no you'd hate it b/c you'd have to deal w/Stupid Ppl #every day'' (by which was meant; with believed inherent synonymity: poor people) & then i also will oft forget i pushed for it any further #which i Know i did b/c of it next being met with angry & aggressive ''i've never heard you talk abt that interest before So''#(wonder why? withholding info to protect yourself=finding room in one's life for existing more freely; exercising the autonomy to Do That)#but it's easy to forget b/c The All Encompassing Perspective was rather [i'm sure Failing to just Know my major for the sole possibility fo #defining one's entire life: The Correct Dream Job] & then Failing to push it or just express it & be understood ''correctly'' even if i Did #have any ideas in that realm. vs seeing how i Was succeeding & was recognizing shit & pursuing it & looking out for myself & etccc #it's undeniable lol like the framing even that Blaming Oneself is an autonomy seeking response. b/c your autonomous power in your own life #sure Would be more immediate if Everything Really Was Your Fault (when ofc really this is abt obscuring & denying the responsibility of ppl #who have the power over others' lives & then have to act like this is all the fault of the Others; they themselves have never Truly Chosen)#no victim blaming no condemnation of anyone's ''passivity'' here babey #re: the undeniability it's how like. maybe you've only Just realized you're not cis but in doing so it's like ''oh That's what i already #recognizing in various ways throughout my whole life'' it's all always Been there/going on & perspex shifts + new lenses can reveal them

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korinthiakos · 2 years ago

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cue me stretching myself on the dash like a cat

#[ ooc. mun — i need a cuppa tea ]#( good morning - i'm tempted to get a subway but also i don't wanna push myself too much )

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