#but hey i accept myself now and i’m proud of my asexuality

[atlas-dr0wned]

i came out to one of my irls as ace today (i posted about it on twitter but she didn’t see it) and it felt so nice explaining things. like for so long sex has been a Weird thing for me, for so many reasons, but now i have a word that starts the conversation whilst leaving room for my individual experience. it’s really nice :]

[evienyx]

Hey so uh, sorry that this is kinda a personal question and unrelated to what you usually post but you seem really nice and I was wondering how you figured out that you were ace? I’ve been struggling with this myself for a while now, and was just wondering if you had any advice or something. Please don’t feel obligated to respond or anything, I totally get that this is kinda a weird question and might make you uncomfy, so sorry about that in advance. Thanks!

Well, I’m going to start off by saying that everyone is different. You won’t figure it out the same way I figured it out, just like how I didn’t figure it out the same way any of my friends did. That’s all right. Take all the time that you need.

Additionally, I only really figured this out for myself in the last few years, and one day something may happen that I identify with a different sexuality and that’s also okay. This is not a ‘one-and-done’ kinda thing. It’s all right. This is your thing. Yours.

For me, it was around my freshman year of high school that I started realizing that I had never really gotten to that phase where I started obsessing over anyone. Now, in middle school, even though that was the time when a lot of people around me really started going hard into the dating thing, I never did. I skipped a year in school, though, so it would make sense for me to be about a year or so later than everyone else hopping on the hype train of teenhood, but halfway through my first year of high school, it was still pretty mute.

People around me would joke constantly, say things like “Oh, well, once she gets her first crush, everything will change.” I remember distinctly my cousin asking me if I had a crush on anyone, and then me saying no, and then my grandma patting me on the cheek and saying “You just haven’t found the right boy yet.”

So, for most of freshman year, I sort of just accepted what people around me said, that I was a “late-bloomer” and I would one day fall for someone hard and everything would make sense. 

When the end of freshman year came around, I was quite sure that I was just another straight girl, who would get the whole ‘attraction thing’ soon enough. 

As the months went on, though, I realized a few things.

1. Whatever thing was meant to change, didn’t come to fruition.

2. I was perfectly fine and open to dating someone, but I didn’t care about what they looked like. When friends and cousins and the like would show pictures of actors and talk about how hot the actor was, I’d agree, but almost completely on a baseline objective level.

and 3. I was completely uninterested in the idea of sex. I didn’t seek it out, or care about it. It was barely even spared a thought in my mind.

I started thinking that there might be something wrong with me, or that maybe I had felt sexual attraction toward someone, and I just hadn’t noticed. But the further into the year I got, the more I came to recognize the fact that that was not the case. 

I recall on one specific wet day in the late winter of that year, I was walking my dog on the one day the temperatures were slightly decent, and I was just scrolling through the internet aimlessly when I noticed something that caught my eye. It was a post (which I cannot find) of around two dozen pride flags, each with a name and description of the sexaulity or gender identity it represented.

That day, walking the dog through slush that got melting snow stuck to his paws and mud clinging to my boots, as the temperature prepared to drop below freezing for another week, I learned, for the first time, what Asexuality was.

I had seen the flag before, of course, and heard the term ‘ace,’ but I had never looked into it, thought about it. I didn’t think much of it at that moment, either. I just filed it away and moved on to exhale sharply through my nose at whatever ‘Stonks’ meme came up on my feed next.

Quite a while (as in, literal years) passed, though, and I found myself thinking about the idea of ‘Asexuality’ that I had heard about more and more. 

The one thing that really held me back was the fact that I was fine with the concept of having sex with someone, though I was only really interested in doing it for the experience/intimacy, and possibly in the future to have a child, and I thought to myself, “I can’t be Asexual if I want to have a kid. That’s not how it works.”

Surprisingly (or maybe not surprisingly at all), there was one thing that really did it for me in the end, and that was when Muffin ( @muffinlance ) announced on Tumblr (in a post I cannot find) that she was going to be having a baby.

An asexual (married too, so take that grandma!), having a baby. While still being asexual.

I looked into it, discovered the idea of someone being Asexual Sex-Positive, Sex-Neutral, or Sex-Negative. I found out, truly, about the idea of being Demisexual, or Gray Axsexual. The idea of an Asexuality Spectrum was opened up to me, and I realized suddenly that all of my worries, everything that had been holding me back, didn’t matter. 

My Tumblr bio shortly after changed from ‘she/her’ to ‘she/her, ace’ and it was one of the best feelings in the entire world. I don’t quite think I’ll ever be able to describe to someone who never went through the experience of finally feeling like your belong, if only for that one moment.

(also, currently, I’m of the opinion that I am either Biromantic or Panromantic. I’m leaning more towards bi, but I’m completely open still. I also have still not dated a single person ever, so who knows. That’s not what this is about, just thought I’d mention it)

You should take all the time you need, find what fits you. It’s weird to hear, and it’s hard to do, but I’m quite sure that once you find it, you’ll know it.

Last holiday season, while at a gathering with the more intensely religious and traditional side of my family, a cousin of mine sang “I Kissed a Boy,” by Adele, but changed the lyrics to “I Kissed a Girl,” so as not to appear ‘gay’ in any way, shape, or form. 

I noticed a different cousin of mine looking a bit upset while he sang the song, and so I talked to her alone afterward to see if they were all right, and after just a few minutes of speaking about nothing in particular, he came out to me in a hallway at a holiday party when no one else but me was around. And, in return, I did the same and came out to them.

He was the first family member I ever came out to, and that was the first time I truly told someone my sexuality. I told them I was asexual, and they accepted it and we hugged and it was one of the more exhilarating moments of my entire life.

So, in the end, how did I figure out I was ace?

I just sort of did. I feel I could have done more research earlier than I did, but that’s all right. It all worked out. I figured it out, and I promise you will, too. And if you get it wrong a few times before you get it right? That’s perfectly okay, too.

Anyway, one more additional personal thought about something I noticed that I think is kinda weird:

Muffin and her actions and stuff are so weirdly tied to such random core parts of my life. I published the first chapter of Fractures because I was encouraged and inspired when I saw her own stories. I finally figured out my sexuality and felt like I belonged, like one of those flags was mine, because of her. It’s just a bit crazy to me. Thanks, I guess, Muffin.

All right, that’s about it. I hope this helps, at least a bit. 

I wish you the best, anon, in figuring out who you are. You can take as long as you need or want, you don’t need to stick to a choice. This is your identity. This is yours. Not a single person gets a choice in the matter besides you. Good luck, and remember, you’ve always got me in your corner. If anyone ever gives you shit about this kinda thing, send ‘em my way. I did Tae Kwon Do for two-and-a-half years, and I’m also constantly fueled by spite and Twix bars. We’re all here for you. 

That goes for anyone. Don’t be afraid to embrace who you are. I’m proud of you, we’re all proud of you. This is who you are. Enjoy it.

[dexmads]

to the girl i gave a lot of myself for,

when we first met, it took me weeks to get the courage to tell you i was asexual and those same weeks were the worst ones of my last year because they scared the shit out of me. you may be asking why, and here is the answer i should've told you months ago:

being asexual is 100% part of who i am, E, but the desire to be accepted also is and the society rules and expectations where the 'normativity' is concerned is one of the monsters under my bed. i wanted you to accept me and i wanted to tell the world i was someone acceptable and then i told you. hands shaking, words aggressively, nervously and anxiously being typed on my keyboard. those three special words. i am asexual. i am asexual. i am asexual. i was expecting space to talk, i was expecting: 'hey, can you tell me a little bit more about that?' but i got one 'it's ok'. it is ok. and i thought: 'well. that's good, right? that's great.' and 'she said ok' like ok was a prize, like it was golden shiny ticket to heaven. and those words kept turning over and over inside my brain: 'it's ok. it's ok. everything is ok between us.' back then i didn't thought what i do now: that it didn't need to be ok because there was nothing wrong to be fine afterwards. that i wasn't asking for authorization for you to say that everything was going well between us. i wasn't, but you made me feel otherwise and, before, getting an ok was all i wanted, was all i thought i could ever get and it was big, something to be proud of. it was like you were holding my hands and saying that it is was ok for me to breathe when it wasn't ok, it was a simple right.

that was the only time we talked about this, though. the only one. like it was something forgettable, something small. your thoughts and conversations with sexual connotations had me screaming internally, anxious and afraid of saying the wrong thing. but you accepted me and this was expected, right? i could deal with this. we were... god, we were dating. this was normal even though i didn't like normal and it was my real first time trying and hell, how i tried for you. how i would googled everything i was supposed to say and how i was supposed to react and how google was always wrong and why was i being so cruel to myself and hey this isn't about me, it's about us and also should i say you are hot should i say i want to touch your body should i want you to touch mine should i have felt something when you said those things about me about how you thought i would taste like should i have felt excited should i lie should i tell the truth but i had told you the truth already- my head was screaming but then it was normal, it was the rule but it was the rule only because i hadn't anything or anyone to compare us with and you were my friend and i wanted to keep being friends so, so bad that i would accept you too.

but it still hurt when you sent me those pictures and it gave a panic attack when i saw them because i didn't want you to feel bad about yourself because i couldn't feel anything. the problem wasn't you but i simply couldn't understand that the problem wasn't me either. i was submitting myself to so, so much, though and i sent you a picture back because i seriously thought i should, like it was an obligation while being in a relationship. i don't understand much about sex and i didn't about relationships either, but i wouldn't get that innuendo until later. so much later.

and then, one time you told me that we were like friends instead of girlfriends. i didn't see it as a bad thing until you told me it was a bad thing. because we didn't have sex? because i didn't feel comfortable talking about it where i was the main subject? for the first time i thought, hell, if this is how a relationship is supposed to be like, then i would like to have you as my friend again. because when you told me i should ask the big question i thought: we are already so good it would only get better... even though i kept forgetting to call you love and sweetheart, even though i told you i wouldn't feel comfortable holding hands, even though you said i talked a lot about things that weren't about us, even though i started googleing things again: how do girlfriends act together how can i be more romantic what is supposed be like being in a relationship how to know if you are really in love should i hold her hand when am i supposed to say i love you what is the difference between friend and a romantic partner and so on for infinity: how, what, when, why, should i, can i...

even though i was still the same and the same me wasn't girlfriend material to you. but what is a relationship if not being friends with another title on top of it? then i noticed that i did it because you thought we should. i did it because i thought we had such a fun time together and i liked you and if you wanted it, then i could too because you had accepted me, i should be happy, it wasn't an effort, it just was. you said you liked me but me liking you wasn't enough. but how could it not be enough if it was so much? how could you say that yes, it was, but in the wrong direction? how should i know it has different ways to go? i only knew one, i only had one and it was fine until you told me it wasn't. would it be like this with everyone? would all my friends think the same about me? the way i learned to like and love was bad, not enough?

i got the first real hint that i didn't really know what the normal romantic attraction was even though google had said it to me in those bold, scary letters. i didn't understand, i didn't feel it. you had levels, i didn't. you had different directions and pathways, i don't. my feelings aren't leveled like yours. my more is more. your more is changeable, your more has titles i don't care to have. in your head, a romantic relationship matters more than friendship, in mine, it doesn't. i thought there was something missing inside me. not because they you thought was bad, but because you made me think that mine was.

i got distracted. i put distance between us. you kept asking why i was acting weird. what was wrong.

i found a new word, then. i hugged like a mom bear and i wouldn't let it go and i wouldn't let you know. because i gave something to you and you treated it so badly that it made me afraid when i took it back. because it was mine, because it was me. because you ignored it for so long.

we broke up because i wasn't ready nor stable to be in a relationship. i didn't tell the truth. not before, not now. you are not the problem, i guess. but i am not either. it's hard to believe sometimes, but i am trying so fucking hard. i swear. you made too much damage, though. about what i deserve and should accept. i wasn't supposed to be 'accepted' by someone because of my orientation, i should only be supported and that's all. but i was so young, i wanted it so bad and i didn't know anything else.

i know now, yes, but i'm still afraid of saying it out loud sometimes. sorry for being a bad girlfriend but i am still waiting for you to say sorry for everything you did, intentionally or not, that hurt me, that made me question myself and my mind and my feelings and who i am.

i found important friends. i keep them close. they try to understand. they let me talk. they give me space and i take it. i keep it close. thought you should now.

elsie.

[toonbly]

Oh please do give us the essay I would LOVE to hear your thoughts.. your Freemind content is like kisses directly to my brain 's all so good.

OKAY SO LIKE. quick tw for discussions about internalized transphobia and internalized homophobia

QUICK CLARIFICATIONS: I’m a queer transmasc nonbinary and some of this is projection. A LOT of this is cherry-picking from and overanalyzing little bits of FM canon.

im gonna put this under a readmore to save yalls dashboards

HERES WHY FREEMINDS NARRATIVE IS 10X MORE INTERESTING IF HE’S QUEER:

So some things to cover: We’re cherry picking from canon and MOST of this is based off of fanon interpretations of freemind’s character. i should also clarify that I myself am asexual and nonbinary transmasc (though i only use they/them pronouns), im not entirely sure of my romantic orientation but yknow, obviously im not cishet lol. Some of it’s self projection, some of it is character study, either way I think it’s important to clarify that some of this is my OWN experience and that what im outlining here obviously isn’t the universal queer experience.

SO COVERING CANON. like okay, most of us tend to go down the route of “Freemind is gay/bi/otherwise queer in terms of attraction and he’s just in denial of it” in our freemanverse content and like, if you pick apart the source material there’s canon backing for this! (ie: Freemind saying he can’t wear earrings cause sailors do that and sailors are “kinda gay”, then later going on and on about how he wants to be a pirate and how he should’ve done that instead of being a scientist.) LIKE OKAY, OBVIOUSLY THIS WAS JUST ROSS MAKING A HOMOPHOBIC JOKE AND PROBABLY DIDN’T THINK ABOUT THE IMPLICATIONS OF THIS AT ALL. obviously that is the case, but as most freemanverse content does we are casually Throwing That Out The Window and cherry-picking from canon because Freeman’s Mind is full of gross content and we are simply here to take whatever we want to and RUN AWAY AS FAR AWAY AS WE CAN WITH IT. What I’m saying is basically, yeah, there’s some canon backing for Freemind possibly being gay/bi/whatever and just in denial of it due to internalized homophobia and some toxic masculinity issues. In terms of toxic masculinity he constantly brags about how cool and tough he is, makes himself out to be an invincible genius, etc. He very much frames himself as the “Tough man who feels no emotions because ReAl MeN dOn’T cRy.”

That’s basically all we need from canon. Accidental subtext on Ross’s part implying internalized homophobia and Freemind’s constant attempts to frame himself as what a “real man” would typically be considered as resulting of toxic masculinity.

Now moving onto fanon: Many fanon narratives take Freemind’s character and try to give him a redemption or healing arc. Basically the guy learns that he’s allowed to show emotions and that this doesn’t make him pathetic or lesser than anyone else, and usually he does so with the help of those around him (typically the other Freemen, sometimes Eddie, hell sometimes h/lvrai characters like Tommy!) So here we have the narrative of “A man struggling with toxic masculinity and self worth issues learns to better himself, he lets others in and starts to be true to who he actually is strengthening both himself and the connections with the people he loves.” This is an arc I love and have incorporated into a LOT of my works involving Freemind! Hell I think it’s difficult not to take his character into that direction.

But, okay, what does this have to do with Freemind being queer? Obviously I’ve mentioned the internalized homophobia subtext and all that but up until now it seems like I’ve only really mentioned the more emotion-based aspects of Freemind’s arc. Well this is where we get into my own personal interpretation of Freemind’s story.

My version of Freemind is a gay trans man, he realized he was trans sometime in his teens but only came out and transitioned sometime during college. In my version of the story, I think Freemind grew up around a kind of rough crowd. He’d hang out with those sort of boys at school that were just the EMBODIMENT of toxic masculinity, and I think he kind of internalized a lot of what they told him? They told him things like “Boys don’t cry” and “Boys are tough” and “Boys can’t like girly things” and “Boys can’t like other boys, that’s weird.” etc etc etc. He hung out with a rough crowd and didn’t have the best support system at home, and a lot of this resulted in his more egotistical larger than life personality- He acted out a lot both because his peers told him to and because hey, at least it got him some form of attention. He was a smart kid, sure, but that was never really enough to impress anyone around him. He kinda developed this “I’m better than ALL OF YOU” attitude as a defense mechanism, and as he started coming into himself and actually accepting that he was trans he took those things that his peers told him “””real men””” do and don’t do and cranked it up tenfold, just to further prove that he was better than all of them and than he was even more of a “””real man””” than any of them could tell him. He took these toxic view points and internalized them, making them a key point of his personality just so he could prove himself and put himself above others. I don’t think he struggled too badly with internalized transphobia, at least in the “I can’t be trans cause that’d be bad” sense. I think he struggled with it more in the “I have to do all of this or I’m just lying to myself and doing this for attention” sense. Granted, he never held anyone else to this same standard, he’ll never admit it but to him things are always different when it’s him. Sure Freeman and Feetman can have their little boyfriends and do gender nonconforming things, but that’s different, they don’t have to prove themselves for anything, they’re not held on the same pedestal as he is, they’re not Gordon Freemind. It’s different whenever it’s him.

BUT, as he begins to grow and learn and not hold himself to such a high standard, Freemind begins to learn that all of these things aren’t true. He learns that showing emotion, being gender nonconforming, being attracted to men, etc. doesn’t make him any lesser than the others around him and there’s no “different standard” for him JUST BECAUSE it’s him. Hell there’s no different standard for him at all, there never has been, and the people who told him otherwise were just toxic assholes who he shouldn’t have to please in order to exist as himself. As he is, he’s good enough, he’s always been good enough, and allowing himself to be vulnerable and accepting who he is doesn’t make him lesser than those around him.

What I’m saying is this: Freemind’s narrative outlines the journey of a man learning vulnerability and learning to accept himself and allow others into his life. His character arc cannot be complete until he does these things, and in certain stories Freemind’s inability to be vulnerable and accept who he is might become a detriment to his goals and the goals of others around him. If he doesn’t learn to accept himself and open up to others he will fail to achieve his goals. Ultimately it is Freemind allowing himself to open up, accept himself, and be vulnerable that saves the day. Alone, this is already narratively interesting, but if you also mix in the ideas of him being queer in any fashion and learning to accept that and that there’s no “right way” to be himself, it adds a LOT of layers to the narrative. It becomes less a story about some dudebro learning that he’s allowed to feel emotion and more a story about a queer man learning to accept who he is, being proud of who he is, and how allowing himself to be vulnerable contributes to this acceptance. It becomes a narrative about how being open with yourself and others can lead to you discovering who you really are and accepting and loving yourself for it. Freemind’s identity as a queer man becomes DIRECTLY TIED into his character arc of learning vulnerability and allowing himself to make connections and I feel like that’s really important! Sure, not every narrative needs to be about a queer struggle and frankly I don’t like tackling it constantly myself, but Freemind’s story in particular becomes much more interesting under a queer lens especially considering how you could very easily tie the discovery and acceptance of his identity into his general character arc. It’s a story about a queer man learning to love himself and becoming a happier, better person for it.

TL;DR: As a queer transmasc nonbinary myself, I find the idea of Freemind’s narrative being queer incredibly interesting. It’s easy to tie in Freemind’s identity to his character arc of becoming more vulnerable and open about both who he truly is as a person and in an emotional sense, and I think it’s really interesting to make a character’s identity relevant to their arc somehow. Granted, this doesn’t always need to be made the case because queer struggle narratives can get tiring on some queer audiences, but in this specific case I think it’d be an interesting character study. 

[spookysweet-heart]

Can We Talk?

Request: “If you’re still taking requests, could you do something about an asexual reader x Phantom? Only if you’re up for it of course! Hope you have an excellent 2021, you deserve it! :D”

Fandom: NateWantsToBattle

Pairings: Phantom x Ace!Reader

Warnings: none

A/n: It took me a while to write this because I am not Asexual so I had to do a bit of research to get an idea for this. I apologize in advance that’s not that long as the other stuff I write but I hope you like it just the same! Thank you to the anon who requested this! The collage was made by me! Edited by @semiproeagle23​!

        You and Phantom had been dating for about half a year, and everything was going great, in all honesty. You’d never been this happy in a relationship before, and this felt like it was meant to be.

Well, that is until one of your friends asked if you’d slept with him yet. You never really admitted to anyone that that particular subject made you feel a bit uncomfortable. You never really understood why people make it a big deal to ask about your relationships, whether the question came from a friend or not. It was still awkward to be put on the spot like that. 

Though, you also never really found that type of intimacy to be exciting, or something you wanted to do. Being held, kissed, and cuddled were all fine, but thinking beyond that was just uncomfortable, to say the least.

You told your friend you were just waiting for the right moment, and thankfully, they accepted that answer. 

That night, you sat up in bed, hugging one of your pillows to your chest.  Sighing, you leaned your back against the wall. You knew the reason why you were feeling this way, but a small part of you thought there would be a small chance you were wrong because you were scared of what your friend would think….you were scared of what Phantom would think if you told him. 

You knew it was silly to be scared, but these people were important to you, so of course a little anxiety would seep through. 

That little fear also came with mindless actions. That meant with the adrenaline you were getting by not knowing, you ended up grabbing your phone and dialing Phantom’s number. What snapped you out of it was hearing his voice when you didn’t reply to him. Noticing that it was two in the morning, you mentally slapped yourself for waking him up in the middle of the night.

“(Y/n)? Hey? Are you there?? Is everything okay??”

“I- shit, I’m so sorry, I accidentally called you. I was trying to find my charger and I guess I unknowingly called your number. I’m sorry for waking you up.”

“No, you’re fine. It’s okay. You sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah. Um, I know this is last minute but can I go over later today?”

“Sure, of course you can. I have the day off, so you’re welcome to come over whenever you want.”

“Thanks, Phan...I should probably let you go back to bed.”

“I can stay up if you need me to.”

“No, it’s okay. Everything’s fine, you get back to sleep. I’ll see you later.”

“Alright, I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah...see you…”

“Hey, (Y/n)?”

“Yeah?”

“Sweet dreams, babe.”

“Sweet dreams.”

Ending the call, you screamed into your pillow. “I hate this, it’s so stupid! I just need to calm down...I know I want to tell him...but will I even be able to say anything later?” Laying back into your mattress, you stared up at your ceiling for a few minutes, thinking to yourself. “I might be scared....but I know I’m ready to at least tell him…” Taking a deep breath in and letting it out, you tried to relax and get some sleep for the rest of the night.

Standing at Phantom’s front door the next day, you felt as nervous as ever. Weirdly enough, though, the fear you had subsided a bit after remembering how he was worried about you when you called him last night.

Phantom smiled when he saw you at the front door. Immediately opening it, he brought you into a big hug. “I missed you! Work's been hectic lately, but I’m just glad I finally get to see you!”

“Same here, sweetheart. It’s been a while. Please tell me you’ve been eating.”

“I have, don’t worry. Come in!” Phantom stepped aside to let you walk in. Closing the door, Phantom hugged you from behind. Leaning in a bit, he kissed your cheek, making you giggle and feel less nervous than before you walked in. “What do you wanna do?”

“Do you wanna watch a movie? I thought since it’s your day off, we could just relax. If you fall asleep like last time, don’t worry about it. I know your job's draining.”

Phantom pouted a little as he looks at you. “I don’t like falling asleep when you’re here. It just gives me less time to spend with you.”

“Why are you so sweet??” You turned around and got out of his hug. Kissing his cheek, you led the way to the living room. Sitting at one end of the couch, you patted the spot next to you.

Phantom smiled, handing you the remote as he got comfy, bringing you into his side and watching you look through the selection of movies. 

After about two movies, you and Phantom stood to stretch out before you two plopped down again on the couch. You smiled at him and took his hand. It was now or never, you thought to yourself. “Hey, can we talk?”

Phantom blinked, feeling your energy change and nodded giving your hand a small squeeze. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, sort of. We’re fine! If...if that’s what you’re thinking. It’s just I- well there’s this thing I’ve been wanting to tell you for a while now, and I just get really scared thinking about it and how….you’d react to it…”

Phantom nodded again, looking at you softly. “Whatever it is, you don’t have to be scared. If I can help or do anything you need, I will. I just want you to be happy.”

Taking a deep breath in and out, you looked at him and gently bit your lip. “I...I’ve kinda known this about myself for a while now, and I knew I was ready to tell you. It’s just…” Looking down at your hands, the nervous feeling came bubbling back up inside. “I’m...Asexual…” 

There were a few seconds of silence before you felt Phantom’s hand brush away the tears that started to fall down your cheeks, and then his arms wrapped around you, pulling you into his chest. “Thank you for telling me.” His voice came out in a soft tone. “I’m really proud of you, you know? You’re amazing, sweetheart.” Pulling away he smiled down at you. “It’s okay, I’m not mad or upset if that’s why you were scared to tell me. It doesn’t matter to me. I mean it does, but it doesn’t-” He stopped himself and laughed. “What I’m trying to say is that I don’t care about that. Whether we don’t get intimate on that level or we do, doesn’t matter to me. All I care about is you. You’re Important to me.”

“You really mean all that?”

“Of course I do.” Phantom gently kissed your forehead. “You’re perfect the way you are, and I love you no matter what.”

[ofstoriesandstardust]

whole-Luther Hargreeves

a/n: if you’re new to my blog, I’m asexual and I’ve been feeling pretty down about it lately so I wrote this to make myself feel a little better. this is entirely self indulgent. yes, this is a asexual!reader x luther but the hargreeves siblings are here for moral support. 

masterlist | prompt list

warnings: post season 2 (no Sparrow Academy), Ben is alive, food, coming out, references to Sex Education, swearing

word count: 3,857

The first person you told was Klaus. It only made sense; you were the first person he came out to, you could trust him. He wouldn’t reject you or scorn you or laugh at you or tell you you weren’t valid. Still, your heart pounded as you thought about what you planned to do as you unlocked the door to your apartment, Klaus following you inside. The two of you had decided to have a night in, with you teaching Klaus how to make pasta from scratch. You didn’t think he’d really learn, but he’d been binge watching cooking shows and had practically begged for you to teach him. You agreed, because pasta wasn’t really that hard and it gave you something to do with your hands while you thought about what came next. You moved your hair up into a ponytail after setting the groceries down. “Klaus, grab the eggs out of the fridge would you?” You asked as you wiped the table down. He nodded, pulling them out and sidling up next you. You took a deep breath as you spread the flour out of the counter, showing Klaus how to set his up. Breathe. Just focus on the pasta. You could do this. The whole process went smoothly and turned out a very nice meal. Klaus had even momentarily distracted you from your thoughts as he took a strand of pasta, draping it over his lip as some sort of mustache and you had laughed so hard you almost started crying. 

You gripped your fork as the two of you ate, and you felt so close to throwing up your food. “....and then, Five said ‘Well Diego-”

“Klaus.” You said and he stopped, looking at you. Your eyes flitted up to meet his in a panic and you were certain your dinner was going to resurface. You sighed, setting your fork down, and put your face in your hands. “I’m asexual.” You mumbled out but you didn’t feel any better. 

“Sorry, love, didn’t quite catch that.” He tugged your hands away from your face, moving to set next to you from his place across the table. “Want to try again?” You sighed as Klaus tucked a stray piece of hair behind your ear, still holding on to your hands. 

“I’m... asexual Klaus. I’m asexual.” 

“Oh darling.” He said softly, practically pulling you into his lap as Klaus only knew how to show his love through physical affection. “Thank you for telling me, I’m sure that was very hard.” He said genuinely and you looked at him. “I’m proud of you.” He whispered and you tucked your head into his shoulder, trying to ground yourself from the tears that were threatening to overwhelm you. 

“Thank you.” You mumbled, picking at your nails. 

“Does... does Luther know?” He asked. The sweet blonde had been your boyfriend for only a few short months and you were not ready to tell him. The fear that had gnawed at you was now back. 

“No. No and you can’t tell him.” You said, eyes wide, lifting yourself off Klaus. “Please don’t tell him, I’m not ready for him to know yet-”

“Hey hey hey, I won’t tell him, okay? Secret’s safe with me. Promise.” He said sincerely and you nodded. 

“Will you finish telling me that story while I eat now that I don’t feel like I’m going to throw up?” Klaus nodded, letting you slide off his lap to finish eating as  he resumed his story of the latest Hargreeves family dinner. 

-

The next was Ben. You’d been watching Sex Education at the recommendation of one of your college friends, and you had talked Ben into watching it with you. You watched as Jean told Florence “Sex doesn’t make us whole. And so, how could you ever be broken?” You felt your throat close up as you thought about all the ways you had doubted your self worth based on your sexuality. You could feel the way Ben looked down at you. The episode came to a close and Ben turned the TV off. The two of you sat in silence as you mulled her and Klaus’ words over in your head, debating if you should tell him. 

“Ben.” You said softly, and he shifted ever so slightly to make eye contact with you. “I’m asexual.” 

Ben raised his eyebrows and then smiled. “Thank you for telling me.” He responded, soft tone matching yours. 

“Do you think Luther will break up with me?” He remained silent for a moment, taking time to choose his words. He ended up shaking his head. 

“I don’t think so, no. He’s crazy about you, and this is a part of who you are, there’s not any reason to like you less.” You nodded, tears pricking at your eyes. “You want a hug?” You nodded and the boy pulled you in. “Your sexuality is a part of who you are, but it doesn't define you. And there’s nothing to be ashamed of, you do know that?” You looked up into Ben’s sincere eyes and nodded. Maybe you weren’t ready to tell Luther just yet, but telling the others didn’t feel as such a daunting task.

-

Then there was Vanya. You hadn’t planned on telling her, at least, not when you did, but it had just sort of... happened? Vanya lived across the hall from you, and from some reason, you’d gotten some of her mail by mistake. You’d gone over to return it and she had invited you in to catch up real quick. You were showing her a picture of a celebrity you both liked when she blurted out, “I’m bisexual.” You looked up at her. “I don’t... know.. if you knew that.” She said uncertainly. 

“I’m asexual.” You responded, without really thinking. She began to laugh which prompted you to laugh. 

“I was so worried over what you were going to say but we’re both just struggling.” You laughed harder at her words. “Oh shit, my popcorn!” She exclaimed, running over to the microwave to get the now burning popcorn. You laughed even harder. “Wait, is this why Klaus has been going around explaining sexualities to everyone the last few days?” You straightened up. “Something about how to be accepting when someone you care about comes out to you.” 

“I’m gonna fucking kill him. “ You responded. “What the hell, he wasn’t supposed to tell anyone.” You responded, rubbing your temple. She sighed as she put a new bag of popcorn in the microwave. 

“Well, I don’t think Luther or Diego has caught on if that’s what you’re worried about. I don’t even think they pay attention.” Vanya’s door opened and Ben walked in, followed by Diego and Klaus. 

“Speak of the devil.” You muttered. Diego reached over to give Vanya a hug and  you grabbed Klaus by his jacket as he went towards the living room. You pulled him close and got near his face. “What the fuck Klaus? You promised not to say anything.” You hissed. 

“Well, technically, I didn’t tell anyone anything-” He said shrugging, feigning innocence.  Fortunately for Klaus, Five and Allison, along with Luther walked through the door and you quickly let Klaus go. You stood up from your chair and Klaus moved back. 

“Okay, well, thanks for the nice chat Vanya, but I have to go call my mother.” 

“How fun.” Allison teased and you rolled your eyes. You gave Luther a quick kiss and hugged Diego. Ben pulled you in for a hug as well. 

“I’ll keep an eye on him.” He whispered. 

“How did you-” 

“I grew up with him. I know what he’s like. He won’t say anything but I’ll make sure he doesn’t until you’re ready.” You nodded, squeezing him. You pulled away, and headed towards the door. “Have fun.” You called, shutting the door behind you. God, that just confirmed to you needed to tell Luther, and soon.

-

The next had been Allison, and accidentally, Five. You stood in the Academy’s kitchen with Allison as the two of you talked over coffee. The two of you had been good friends since Diego had introduced you to the family and you were both busy catching the other up on your lives. “So, how are you and Luther?” The girl asked as she sat back in her chair. You smiled slightly at the mention of the sweet boy and shrugged. As happy as the thought of him made you, there had been quite the cloud hanging over you with the looming decision to be honest with him about your sexuality. 

“We’re good.” You responded quietly. She quirked an all-knowing eyebrow and you turned your head back to your coffee. 

“You don’t sound good.” The two of you sat in silence for a moment before she spoke again. “Cmon, telling me what’s going on.” You sighed, straightening up in your chair and faced the girl. For the millionth time, you felt like you were going to cry once again. “(Y/N).” She said seriously and you finally met her eye. “He’s my brother, but you’re also my friend. What’s going on?” You shook your head, trying to get the words out without breaking down. 

“I.. have to tell Luther something and I’m just.. scared.” 

“So practice on me.” She responded. 

“What? And pretend you’re Luther?” 

“Well, sure. Why not?” You stared at her. “I’m serious. You can practice on me, whatever it is, and then you’ll feel more confident telling him.” 

“If I do, you have to promise you won’t tell him. I’m not quite ready for him to know yet.” She nodded and you sighed. 

“What do I even say?” 

“Just.. whatever you want to say, say it to me.” You sighed and nodded. You looked down at your hands, playing with your cup. Boy, you shouldn’t have had two cups of coffee, your heart was racing. 

“Well, I guess.. there’s something I want you to know. And I guess.. I haven’t wanted you to know because I wasn’t ready yet, but I am now. And I guess... okay, well, the thing is... I’m asexual.” You spit out. 

“That’s all?” You jumped in your chair, hand clutching at your chest, as you turned to see Five standing in the doorway of the kitchen. 

“Oh my God Five, you scared the shit out of me!” You exclaimed. The boy smirked, shrugging. “And you weren’t supposed to hear that!” He turned to face you as he poured himself a cup of coffee. He took a sip of it as he seemed to contemplate your words. 

“Let me ask you something. Why are you so scared to tell him?” 

“How do you...” 

“I’ve been standing in the doorway longer than you realized.” You swore under your breath as he continued to wait for your answer. 

“Well, I just... it’s stupid.” 

“It’s not stupid.” Allison assured you, the first words she had spoken since your confession. 

“Clearly not for you to be so distressed over it.” Five added, sitting down next to you. “So again, why are you so scared?”

“I just... In the past... I’ve had... really bad reactions. Well, not terrible, but I did have a family member tell me I wasn’t valid and then one my room mates in college thought I was hitting on her, not to mention all the boys that have left me once they found out I wasn’t a quick fuck or planned on sleeping with them.. really ever, and I know Luther’s not like that, but I just... worry.” Five looked at you and then stood up from his seat next to you. 

“You should tell him. He deserves for you to be honest with him.” His words seemed to deflate something inside of you. He moved towards the door and then stopped and looked back. “But don’t worry about it so much. The boy looks at you like you hung the moon and stars all for him. It’ll be fine.” He left the kitchen and you turned back to Allison. She laughed.

“Well, I don’t say this often, but for once I agree with Five. Telling him won’t change things the way you think it will.” 

“Yeah, but...” 

“But what?”

“Diego doesn’t even know.” 

“Diego doesn’t know? How does Diego not know?!”

“Allison-”

“He’s your best friend (Y/N), how does he not know?!” You looked back at her and something in your face must’ve tipped her off because she softened. “Holy shit, you’re really scared, aren’t you?” 

“I’m terrified.” You whispered. “You take the two most important people in my life, and it shouldn’t change anything, but I’m so fucking scared I’ll lose them.” She shook her head. 

“You won’t lose them. They care about you too, and they care most that you’re honest about who you are and that you’re happy.”

“You really think so?” She nodded. 

“And, for the record, I’m glad you told me. But you need to tell them. Your experiences make sense; your concerns are valid. But I promise, they won’t have a bad reaction.” You sighed and nodded. Diego first, and then.. and then Luther. 

-

It was Diego’s turn to learn the truth. You had texted him early in the morning, just a few days after speaking to Allison. 

Can you come over today? I need to talk to you. It’s important.

It was all you could manage without losing your nerve but also conveying how important this was to you. He hadn’t texted you back which was a bit of a concern because he was usually an early riser. Your book and Cheerios sat in front of you, long forgotten, as you bit your lip, staring at your phone. You sighed, moving off your chair to clean up and get ready for the day, when keys jingled in the door, as Diego strode through. You turned to face him and he stopped short, taking you in. 

“Okay, you don’t look like you’re dying. Is someone else dying? Friends house burn down or something?” 

“Do I need to be dying for you to come over?” You asked, setting the now empty bowl in the sink for you to wash later. 

“No, but you don’t usually text me things like ‘I need to talk to you’ at,” His eyes looked up towards the clock on the microwave. “At 6:30 in the morning.” You shrugged as he moved closer to you. “What’s going on (Y/N)?” You sighed, wringing your hands together. 

“I have to tell you something, and you can’t tell Luther, because he doesn’t know yet, and I’m not ready for him to know yet, but I’m going to tell him, I promise, but you can’t freak out, and I don’t think you will, because you’re my best friend but-” The boy grabbed your hands, effectively cutting off your falling and rambling. 

“You can tell me.” He said softly, looking at you honestly. And you could, because he was your best friend and the two of you had seen each other through much worse. 

“Diego, I’m... I’m asexual.” You whispered. He let go you, taking a step back, and began to... laugh? You sighed, shooting him a look. 

“That’s all?” he said, chuckling. You reached out to smack his shoulder, which he easily dodged. He pulled you into a hug, despite your resistance, your shoulder leaning up against his chest. 

“Diego.” You whined, pout very present on your face. 

“What? You nearly gave yourself an anxiety attack over telling me; you really think I was going to run for the hills just because my best friend doesn't want to sleep with anyone?” You looked up at him and he pulled away. “Holy shit, you did, didn’t you?” You shrugged. “For how long we’ve been friends, I’d really think you’d know me better than that.” He said seriously. 

“I’m sorry Diego. It’s not that I don't trust you but I just- I’m so tired of being told I’m not valid or that there’s something wrong with me and I just... I was scared.” He sighed and pulled you back into his chest. You wrapped your arms around him. “Luther’s going to hate me.” You whispered and for a moment, you weren’t sure he heard you. 

“He’s not going to hate you. According to Five, he looks at you like-”

“Like I hung the moon and the stars for him, yeah I’ve heard.” You said laughing. 

“He won’t be mad, I don’t think. And even if he is, I’ll beat him up for hurting my best friend.” You laughed, nudging him. Diego let you go from him, leaving you with a few words of encouragement. You sighed as you picked up your phone to text Luther. You could do this. 

-

You had asked Luther to come over for dinner that night and he had agreed, letting you know he’d pick up takeout from your favorite Thai place on his way over. In the meantime, you decided to call a room mate of yours from college (not the one who thought you were hitting on her) to keep your mind off of it. But of course, it had all come out while you were on the phone and she’d been adamant you tell Luther. However, talking to her could encompass many different topics and you ended up losing track of time as you talked. “All I’m saying is, it’s not hard to understand where the conspiracy about Diana’s death comes from.” You laughed as you agreed. However, Luther knocked on the door, and you walked over to let him in. 

“Hi.” You said, smiling up at him. 

“Hi?” You friend said back in confusion. You sighed, looking down at the phone as you shut the door behind Luther. He set the bags of food down on the counter, looking over at you. 

“Not you, stupid. My boyfriend is here.” 

“WAIT!” She yelled. “Wait wait wait, is this the new one you can’t shut up about?” 

“New one? How many boyfriends do you think I have?!” 

“Whatever, the one you always talk about. The blonde one.” You nodded. 

“You want to say hi?” She nodded and you moved over, angling the phone to show Luther. 

“Luther, this is my room mate from college.” He waved awkwardly. 

“He’s cute.” She said, and you looked back up at Luther as he blushed. “He’s definitely your type.” She added and you looked down at her.

“What does that mean?!” You exclaimed, causing her to laugh. 

“Nothing, nothing. Just can’t believe you’ve been dating for almost six months and this is the first time I’m meeting him.” 

“Well, you’d have met him a lot sooner if you came out to visit me once in a while.” 

“Yeah, but if you came out here, we’d be able to go on that road trip we’ve been talking about.” 

“Yes, but it’s much more convenient to have you come out here.” She laughed. “Well, I have to go but I’ll call again soon.” 

“Wait, (Y/N).” You stopped and looked down. “You need to tell him.” She stated seriously. You sighed. 

“Okay, I’ll call you later.” You quickly hung up, moving towards Luther, giving him a quick kiss. “Sorry, that was one of my good friends from college.” He waved.

“No worries. She seems nice.” You nodded.

“She is, but... well, she’s a bit like Klaus, quite chaotic at times but I love her anyway.” He chuckled, pulling your food from the bags.

“So... tell who what?” He prompted, raising an eyebrow. You sighed. 

“Yeah... that. Do you mind... can we go in the living room before we eat and talk? I have something I need to tell you.” He nodded, but you didn’t miss the confusion and panic that settled on his face. The two of you walked over to the couch and you sat down, facing him. “So... I’ve been keeping something from you and I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. I’ve just been scared about how you might react.” He grabbed your hands and you squeezed them gratefully. “So... I’m asexual.” It was the most confident you had felt saying it, but there was a still a twinge of nerves behind your words. 

“That’s great! I just.. I don’t know what means.”

“Oh! Well... it means that I don't experience sexual attraction. To anyone. I’m not really interested in the whole sex bit.” He nodded slowly. 

“So... does that mean you want to break up?” He asked tentatively. 

“What? No!” 

“Well, Klaus was just talking the other day about people who don’t want to be in relationships with other people, but I’m not entirely sure what he meant...” 

“Oh, he must’ve meant aromantic people. They don’t experience romantic attraction to anyone, they don’t want a relationship. Some people are asexual and aromantic, and some are like me, and are only one. Sexuality is fluid and I could explain it to if you’d like but I feel like we should address the elephant in the room first.” 

“Which is?” 

“Well, just that, I’m very happy with you. But I don’t know if that changes anything for you. I mean, if you want to break up with me, I’ll understand.” You said softly. 

“Why would it change anything?” You shrugged. 

“I don't know.. I just don’t know if that's something a priority for you s’all.” He shook his head. 

“I’m guessing Klaus has never told you the story of the rave then.” you looked up at him. 

“No?” You said, laughing out of pure confusion. “Should he have?” Luther was quick to shake his head. 

“No, no, and don’t ask him to tell you. It’s just... that’s not something that’s a priority for me. And I’d never want to make you feel pressured or uncomfortable, so I appreciate you telling me. Just... I’m going to need you tell me what’s okay and what’s not? I don’t want to push anything.” You nodded. “I like you because you’re you. Short of you killing one of my siblings, I don’t think you could do much to change that. This won’t change anything.” You smiled and nodded. You leaned over, hovering just above his face. 

“Well, I can tell you one thing I like.” You whispered. The boy didn’t respond, just pulled you somehow closer without actually connecting your lips. 

“Can I kiss you?” He whispered and you nodded. It was sweet, but short. You pulled away, sitting back on the couch. 

“That.” You said, laughing slightly. He smiled and you patted his knee. “Well, the Thai food smells amazing, so let’s eat shall we?” He nodded and the two of you headed to the kitchen. He kissed you the cheek swiftly as you grabbed drinks from the fridge. “What was that for?” You asked. He shrugged, smiling at you. You laugh, smiling to yourself. The butterflies that boy continued to give you...

As the two of you cuddled on the couch later that evening, you felt a smile grace your lips as you fell asleep in the arms of your boyfriend. For the first time, you really began to feel whole. 

[barisiscourtroom]

After 22x10, I, as so many others, quickly decided that it was Rafael on the phone (Sonny even wore his tie!), so I wrote an episode related thing. I’m ace myself, and I like the idea of ace!Sonny, and I hc them both as gay (strangely enough, since I tend to always hc everyone as bi, but not Barisi for some reason), so this is my take on what could happen after that episode.

Once again a huge thank you to @novemberhush for the beta read and for answering all my questions and helping me make this better! ♥

A Call to Come Out ao3

1559 words | Teen warnings: mentions internalized homophobia characters: Sonny Carisi, Rafael Barba, Amanda Rollins tags: Sonny Carisi & Amanda Rollins friendship, Episode Related, Post-Episode: 22x10 Welcome to the Pedo Motel, Established Relationship, Asexual Sonny, Gay Sonny, Gay Rafael, Coming Out, Internalized Homophobia

Sonny accepted the call with an apologetic smile to Rafael. "Amanda," he said both in greeting and to let Rafael know who it was. He got up from the couch to head towards the kitchen. "How is everything?"

"Hey, Sonny, I don’t really want to talk about it, I just wanted to hear a friendly voice," Amanda said, making Sonny smile.

"Okay, I can do that," he said.

"You were about to tell me something when I got the call," Amanda said.

Sonny remembered that all too well. His awkwardness as he tried to speak still embarrassed him. "Yeah," he said.

"Tell me now? It was about that hot date of yours, wasn’t it?" Amanda said, her voice teasing.

"Yeah, it was, and, uh, about me." He took a deep breath and looked at Rafael, who was still sitting on the couch, doing something on his phone. He must have sensed Sonny watching him, because he turned to give him a reassuring smile and a nod. Sonny nodded back and spoke, "I’m gay."

"I, uh. Okay," Amanda said.

"I’m also asexual, apparently," Sonny said.

"What, uh, I don’t know what that means?" Amanda said.

"It means I don’t feel sexual attraction to anyone, and for me, it also means that I… don’t really want sex," Sonny said quietly. Rafael had told him that it was no one's business but his, that he didn’t have to tell anyone if he didn’t want to, and Sonny knew that was true, but he wanted to tell Amanda, she was his best friend. Second best friend, but Rafael was also his partner, so he wasn’t sure he should count him.

"Okay," Amanda said slowly. Sonny wished he could see her, so he could read her silences.

"But, uh, yeah, so I have a… we don’t really like the term boyfriend, I mean, we’re both over 40, we’re not exactly boys anymore, so I guess I have a partner," Sonny said.

Amanda huffed a soft laugh. "Okay, well, that’s nice though, congratulations, I’m happy for you," she said, and Sonny breathed out in relief. Which she obviously heard. "Aw, hey, come on."

"Sorry," Sonny hurried out, "it’s just that you’re, well, you’re the first person I’ve told, except, uh-"

"Your hot date?" Amanda teased, and it was Sonny’s turn to huff a little laugh.

"Yeah, except my hot date," he said. "And you’re important to me, it’s… really scary and you’re my best friend, and it’s terrifying, especially considering our history, and I don’t want to hurt you."

"Oh," Amanda said.

Sonny pulled a kitchen chair out to sit, putting his elbows on the table and his hand over his eyes. "I didn’t - I guess I thought my feelings for you back then were romantic, because I love you and you mean the world to me, and because I… well, I guess I didn’t want to accept being gay, and I didn’t know then that I don’t feel sexual attraction, I just thought that’s how everyone felt, so when I have felt the way that I feel about you before, I’ve thought it was normal, that I’ve been in love, because even if I always felt… differently about men, I just pushed that down and ignored it, you know?"

His heart was beating hard in his chest, his throat tight, and he very nearly begged her to know what he meant, to understand, because he didn’t want to hurt her, he needed her to be his friend.

"I…" Amanda started slowly, quietly, and Sonny squeezed his eyes shut, his breath shallow. "I don’t know, I guess, because I do feel sexual attraction, so I don’t think I can ever understand, not really, but… I think I understand what you mean."

"Yeah?" Sonny rasped.

"Yeah, of course," Amanda said. Her voice was a little rough, like she was holding back tears too, and Sonny pressed his thumb and index finger against his eyelids. "So, you want to tell me about your partner?"

The forced cheer in her voice was fairly obvious, but she was trying, so Sonny would too.

"It’s, uh, well, he has said it’s okay to tell you who he is, but you gotta promise you won’t make fun of me, okay?" Sonny asked.

"Cross my heart and hope to die," Amanda said, mock serious, and Sonny huffed another laugh and rubbed his eyes before lowering his hand.

"Rafael Barba," he said, and just saying his name had Sonny smiling.

"Rafael Barba," Amanda repeated faintly.

"Yeah," Sonny said.

"And you made me promise not to make fun of you, Sonny, you’re the worst," Amanda said.

Sonny grinned. "Well, I do know you, and I’m not as stupid as everyone thinks, you know," he said.

"Rafael Barba," Amanda said. "Sonny Carisi and Rafael Barba. Holy crap."

"Yeah, yeah," Sonny said, rolling his eyes.

"Okay, tell me everything," Amanda said. "I mean, I know how you met, but how did you meet, you know?"

"I mean, looking back at it, I think that I was in love with him the whole time, but I told myself I just admired him, you know. Then, when he left, our relationship changed, we started talking about other things than work and law, mostly by text at first, or if we met up for drinks or something, then one day we came to talk about religion and homosexuality, and I sorta accidentally came out to him. I panicked, Amanda, really, it was bad, but he’s gay and grew up Catholic, he handled it really well, and he helped me a lot and made me see that I can be both.

"Then, during the trial, we met a lot more than usual. I mean we barely met every other month before, not even that often during last year with the virus and all, but over the trial I saw him every day and my feelings became very clear to me, it was so obvious, I don’t know how I could have ever convinced myself it wasn’t there. So I told myself I’d tell him once the trial was over, if nothing else just to admit that I had feelings for a man, but he beat me to it and asked me on a date before I could," Sonny said.

"Rafael Barba asked you on a date," Amanda said.

Sonny grinned, he knew he probably looked love-struck and stupid, but Rafael Barba had asked him on a date, he was allowed. "Yeah, he did. He said he’d been flirting with me for years, called me dense for not noticing," he said, smiling at the memory.

"God, you sound so in love, wow, I didn’t know you-" Amanda abruptly stopped herself, but she quickly continued, "You sound happy, Sonny, and I really am happy for you."

"Thanks, Amanda, that means a lot to me," Sonny said.

They talked for nearly 20 minutes, mostly about him and Rafael, about their dates and about their long conversations, both before and after the trial, about how Rafael had been the one to explain asexuality to Sonny and how it felt realizing he was asexual, about how supportive Rafael had been while Sonny learned to understand himself in relation to most other people. They talked until Amanda realized that Sonny was at Rafael’s place.

"Why are you talking to me then?" she asked.

"Because you’re my friend, Amanda," Sonny said.

"And I love you for that, but go be with your man," Amanda said.

"Are you okay?" Sonny asked.

"Yeah, it helped to talk for a bit, thanks, Sonny. I’ll tell you more later, I just… really don’t want to talk about it right now," Amanda said.

"Okay, I’m here if you need me," Sonny said.

"I know. We’ll talk soon, okay?" Amanda said.

"Yeah, talk soon, take care," Sonny said.

"Say hi to Barba," Amanda said, and Sonny swore he could hear her grin.

"I will, and I’m sure he says hi back," he said as flatly as he could manage. It made Amanda huff out a little laugh though, so he considered it a success.

"Bye, Sonny," she said.

"Bye, Amanda," he said.

He tapped the phone to end the call, then he got up and put the chair back before going back to the living room to sit next to Rafael again.

"How’d it go?" Rafael asked softly.

"Good, I think," Sonny said. "She says hi, and she said she was happy for me."

"Good," Rafael said, leaning back against the couch and wrapping an arm around Sonny’s shoulders to tug him closer.

"I said you’d say hi back," Sonny said, tilting his head to smile at Rafael, who rolled his eyes.

"Say hi back," he said dryly, but then his face softened, and he smiled as he leaned in to press a kiss to the corner of Sonny’s mouth. "I’m glad it went well, I know how important she is to you and I know how scary it can be. I’m proud of you."

"I couldn’t have done it without you," Sonny said, because it was true.

"I don’t believe that for a second, but I’m glad I could help at all," Rafael said. "Do you want to stay tonight?"

Sonny sighed and settled in more comfortably, his head tucked into the crook of Rafael’s neck. "Yeah, I’d like that," he said.

[buoyantsaturn]

I got too high again (realized I can’t not be with you) (1/1)

summary: “Okay, so, one time Leo got drunk when we were both at this party, and he sat on my lap, and it was all I could think about for two months. I had myself convinced that I was in love with him until the next time he accidentally set himself on fire in front of me.”

word count: 2318

read on ao3

With their busy class schedules, Nico and Hazel had to make time to see each other, despite sharing an apartment. They reserved Friday nights for each other, however that meant - watching TV or a movie, and sometimes ordering pizza, then usually staying up too late just to talk.

They were lounging on the couch in their living room with the TV playing some Halloween show that they were both mildly interested in and only half paying attention to when Nico’s phone started buzzing in his hands. Nico didn’t sit up from his slouch when he accepted the Facetime request, and Will’s face popped up on the screen, smiling big.

“Nico!” Will exclaimed, causing Hazel to eye him from across the couch. He wasn’t breaking any sacred sibling bonding time rules - she was simply curious to see what it was about.

“Hi, Will,” Nico said, unable to stop a small smile from blooming on his lips. “What’s up?”

“Oh man, Nico, it’s so nice outside,” Will told him as he was making his way inside his own apartment. “Cecil and I were just outside, uh, you know. Enjoying the fresh air.” He winked, and Nico snorted as Will started to ramble about something else entirely.

Hazel nudged him with her foot, causing Nico to glance over to her as she mouthed the words, Is he high?

Nico grinned and nodded, replying, He’s very high.

“Hey, I can see you!” Will said, and when Nico looked back at him, he saw Will pouting, now laying back on his bed.

“I know you can,” Nico replied, turning his body and tilting the camera so that he and Hazel were both in frame. “Say hi to Hazel!”

Will returned to his bright and beautiful smile, waving as he said, “Hi, Hazel!”

“Hi, Will,” Hazel said, waving back.

Nico returned to his slouch, the camera pointed only on him once more. “So… what’s up?”

Will’s eyes lit up. “Oh! Nico, babe, I have something very, very important to talk to you about.” His next few words were unintelligible as he moved around, apparently trying to find some way to prop up his phone while he was talking, meaning that Nico missed out on most of Will’s very important topic. He was pretty sure Will was talking about video games, so it likely wasn’t a huge loss. Or maybe it was Star Wars? Or a Star Wars video game. Really, with Will, any of those topics was equally as plausible. Nico tried to nod along regardless.

“Hey, Will?” Nico said gently.

“Yeah, babe?” Will’s eyes shot back to the screen, eager to listen to whatever Nico had to say.

Nico smiled and leaned his head against the pillow beside him - it was the rainbow pillow pet Hazel had gotten him for Christmas a few years back. “Why’d you call?”

Will smiled back just as soft, rolling onto his side and snuggling into his own pillow, as though trying to imagine for himself that he and Nico were laying side by side. “I just wanted to see you, and be like--” He held up a peace sign. “What’s up! I’m intoxicated.”

Nico tried to suppress his laughter, but he wasn’t doing a very good job of it the way Will appeared to light up with pride. “Okay, well, Hazel and I are watching a show right now, so I’m gonna go, okay? But I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay. Bye, Neeks!” Will said, and he blew Nico a kiss before Nico could end the call.

Nico set his phone down and turned his attention back to the TV, though just as he did, the image froze. With a frown, he looked to Hazel who had the remote in her hand, and was staring right back at him.

“So,” she said. “Will.”

“What about him?”

Hazel grinned. “He likes you.”

“No he doesn’t--”

“He called you babe.”

Nico rolled his eyes. “That’s just a thing people call each other.”

“No, girls call each other babe. Guys definitely do not call each other babe.” Hazel nudged him with her foot again. “He likes you.”

“He just gets more affectionate when he’s high,” Nico told her, waving it off, “and he is... frequently high.”

Hazel’s head tilted to the side. “About that...should we be concerned?”

Nico shrugged. “Cecil’s just a bad influence on him, but Will can handle himself. He’s not, like, dumb about it.”

“Right,” she nodded. “Dumb like...kinda like how you’re acting right now?”

Nico kicked her back with a bit more force than she’d used on him. “Rude.”

“It’s not rude if I’m stating a fact. And if you would act on your feelings, then I wouldn’t have to point out how dumb you are.” She punctuated the statement with a shrug.

Nico huffed. “I don’t know how to act on my feelings. I don’t even know what I’m feeling.”

“You like him,” Hazel said, as if it was obvious.

Nico crossed his arms over his chest, though rather than looking defiant, he almost looked like he was hugging himself. “I mean...maybe. What do I know? Clearly I’m not great at recognizing my own feelings...let alone others.”

Hazel straightened out a leg and set her foot on Nico’s knee. For some reason, she thought that that was a comforting gesture. Nico didn’t feel the same. “Okay, yes, you had one very bad experience, but…everybody makes mistakes! And being with what’s-his-face helped you figure some things out - admittedly in what is literally the worst way possible - but now you’re a very out and proud asexual man! And I’m so happy that you were able to come to that conclusion, but there’s another side to that coin that I think you’ve been ignoring.”

Nico frowned, meeting his sister’s eyes once again. “But what if I haven’t been ignoring it? What if I’m aromantic, too?”

Hazel hesitated. “Oh. Um. I mean, you never pegged me as aromantic, but...maybe? You did tell me you were gay, so that’s what I’ve been going with.”

Nico’s nose scrunched up in discomfort. “Yeah, but that’s just because the idea of being with a girl in any sense is disgusting to me. No offense. With guys I feel more...neutral. Or maybe it is a positive feeling, and I just don’t know the difference.”

Hazel allowed a moment to process his words before she spoke again. “Okay. Let’s try something. When you think of Will, what comes to mind?”

Nico shrugged again. “I guess...he’s nice? He’s nice to look at, and he’s funny, and--”

“No, no,” Hazel waved a hand at him, cutting him off. “Not like that. Don’t tell me about him, but, like… What kind of thoughts do you have about him? If you picture the two of you spending time together, what do you imagine? Do you think of it as more traditionally romantic, like a date, or more platonic?”

Nico frowned down at his lap in thought. “I have no idea. Can you give me, like, a scenario?”

“You’re watching a movie.”

Nico closed his eyes and bowed his head, but there was a crease in his forehead that told of his frustration. “Okay, so… We’re sitting on the couch, and we’re sitting close together...because there’s only one bowl of popcorn.”

Hazel sighed. “Forget the popcorn. Are you still close to each other? Are you holding hands? Any sort of cuddling?”

Nico’s eyes snapped open, shooting a glare across the couch. “Well, now, yeah! You’re making me think of it!”

“Sorry!” She held her hands up defensively. “Then have you ever imagined cuddling with Will?”

Nico took a deep breath, and it looked like most of his frustration left with his exhale. “Yeah, sure, but… Okay, so, one time Leo got drunk when we were both at this party, and he sat on my lap, and it was all I could think about for two months. I had myself convinced that I was in love with him until the next time he accidentally set himself on fire in front of me.”

“Have you ever thought about kissing him?”

“Leo?” Nico’s nose scrunched up again. “Ew. No.”

Hazel rolled her eyes. “No, stupid. I meant Will.”

“Oh.” Nico averted his gaze. “Maybe once or twice, yeah.”

“Have you ever thought about having sex with him?”

Nico buried his face in his hands and groaned, “Ew, Hazel, please.”

She folded her arms over her chest. “This shouldn’t be a difficult question.”

“Fine, yes, alright?” Nico snapped, throwing his arms down. “And then I went down a shame spiral because even in my own imagination, I couldn’t go through with it! And Imaginary Will always got pissed at me for leading him on, and left!”

Hazel winced. “In your daydream?”

He huffed. “I’m not exactly emotionally stable.”

“Okay, back to my point: it sounds to me like you want a romantic relationship with Will.”

“Do I?” Nico argued. “Or do I just want to reach that stage of friendship where it’s not weird for me to hug him whenever I want? Like, is that even an option?” He paused, though not long enough to allow Hazel to reply. “Did I ever tell you that I thought I had a crush on Frank when you two first started dating?”

Hazel’s jaw dropped. “You what?”

“I don’t, and I don’t think I ever actually did,” Nico assured her, “but the two of you were always spending time together, and you were always holding hands or hugging or...you know, physically affectionate, or whatever. And I thought I was jealous of you! Just because you got to hug Frank all the time, and I didn’t! And then I realized that I… I just wanted to be hugged by somebody.”

Hazel still looked a little shocked, but she shook her head as if to clear the thoughts from her mind. “Come here.”

Nico shot her a look.

“Just come here.” She patted her lap, and Nico rolled his eyes. He scooted closer on the couch and then turned and tipped over until he was laying on his back with his head resting on Hazel’s thigh. “Close your eyes.” Once he did, Hazel started running her fingers through his hair. “How does this feel?”

“Fine,” he answered automatically, and then a moment later, “Good, whatever.”

Hazel hummed. “Do you wish you were with Will right now, instead of me?”

“For this awkward conversation? Hell, no.”

She tugged on a clump of hair, causing Nico to flinch at the unexpected sensation. “Don’t be a jerk. I’m trying to help.”

“Fine. Yeah, I wish I was with Will right now,” he admitted. “But that’s just because you’re doing this out of love. You have to love me, because you’re my sister, but if Will loved me, it’d be by choice.”

“You know I love you by choice, right?”

Nico’s eyes slid open, and he looked up at her. “I know. I love you by choice, too.”

She went back to stroking his hair, and Nico’s eyes closed once more. “And you know that Will already likes you, like, a lot. Friends don’t just call to see each others’ faces. Maybe if you would give him whatever sign he needs so he knows he can ask you out--”

“He already has,” Nico muttered.

Hazel gasped. “He what?”

Nico exhaled heavily, and looked down at his hands as he started picking at his fingernails. “He asked me out once, and I panicked and asked him if I could think about it - because, believe it or not, my head was even more jumbled back then.”

Hazel glared down at him. “When is back then?”

Nico mumbled something in reply.

“Nico--”

“Two months ago!”

“Two months?” Hazel swatted at the top of his head. “Nico! You’re leading him on!”

“I know,” he groaned.

“You have to stop, that’s not fair to him!”

“I know it’s not!” Nico shouted, suddenly sounding close to tears, waving his hands around frantically as if gesticulating would help him to better express what he was trying to say. “But I can’t figure myself out because there’s… There’s something wrong with me!”

“There is nothing wrong with you,” Hazel insisted.

Nico let out an angry puff of breath and glared at his sister. “I can’t feel emotions, Hazel. That’s not normal.”

“You can too feel emotions. You’re angry and frustrated right now. Those are emotions. Sadness is an emotion. Happiness is an emotion. You’re not a robot, Neeks, you just don’t know how to define your feelings. You haven’t had the same experiences as other people, so you have to learn how to recognize things in ways that other people don’t. You can’t recognize romantic love because you haven’t experienced it yet, and you’re not going to experience it until you try. Why not try with someone like Will? Someone who’s nice, and handsome, and makes you laugh, and who already feels some amount of love for you.”

Nico seemed to notice that his argument had lost steam. “I think ‘love’ is a strong word,” he said plainly.

“I think I’ve seen the way he looks at you,” Hazel shot back. “And the way he talks about you, and the way he acts when you’re around.”

Nico sat up. “Now you’re making me anxious.”

“I’m sorry,” Hazel told him earnestly, setting a hand on his shoulder and squeezing it gently. “Just don’t count yourself out before you even try, okay?”

Nico nodded. “Okay. Can we go back to the show now?” Hazel reached for the remote and resumed the episode. With his back still turned to her, Nico continued, “And can we...have a sleepover tonight?”

“Of course,” Hazel answered softly. “My room or yours?”

“Yours, if that’s okay.”

“Sure.” She paused. “Do you need a hug?”

Nico was wrapped up in her arms before he could even get a word out.

thanks for reading!

buy me coffee | more auctober stuff

[missdawnandherdusk]

Taking A Break

Hey guys, so on my last post I said that I had just gotten out of a four year relationship and well, as you can imagine it’s a bit jarring for me. Please, no worries, I’m not having a mental breakdown nor am I in any danger of doing something stupid. And I mean it. Truthfully. But, I’d like to talk a bit about it if you don’t mind and give some wisdom, or at least a story to tell. 

When I was fifteen, a tenth grader, my older brother (who is a year older than me) was very abusive. It was verbal and emotional and left me in a dark place. As a kid with anxiety and depression, who was excepted to sill be the pinnacle of perfect, you can imagine how difficult it was for me and how much I craved companionship, and to belong somewhere. And well, that’s when I met my s/o. We were both in a dark place and together through the years, we helped and relied on each other. It was a war that we fought side by side. I relied and loved him and he, me. It was a long distance relationship. He lived across the country and we could only see each other a few times a year, which made things unique for us.

But we grew older. And made a lot of fond and fun memories along the way. And I don’t regret a moment of it. He helped me become the person I am today and I will always love him for it. I’m no longer scared of the world, and I no longer let myself get walked on. My depression and anxiety, I have a real handle on. I’m not suicidal anymore and my panic attacks are few or managable or at least recognizable. My brother grew up too. He’s no longer angry and abusive, but rather a pretty cool brother. Don’t get me wrong, it took a lot for us to mend our relationship, but we did and now we have a mutual respect for each other. My parents and I are on better terms after I moved out and went to college for a year and now I’m not so alone and dependent. In fact, I’m thrilled about life! I never thought I’d ever make it to eighteen and now I’m in college, and I have a huge horizon of possibilities in front of me! I was in college, and engaged to be married to my prince charming who saved me. Well...

Let’s talk about my relationship. Where and when I was growing, he stayed the same. Though I tried again and again to give him advice and help him and even get him to help himself, he just didn’t. And that’s extremely frustrating. But, as someone who believes in the best of everyone even in the worst of people, I persisted. I could see the potential, especially since I was growing and seeing the potential I had myself. But he still refused to listen. All he wanted to do was complain about where he was and for me to console him. And whenever I pointed it out, he’d promise to do better and that he was sorry, and I believed him. And it would get better for a while. 

Now don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t always like this, nor was it as often as you’d think but since January, it began to really drain everything from me. All of our conversations would be about what was wrong in his life and I began to distance myself. I still loved him though and believed in him. It was hard to really take a step back, because as far back as I could remember he was there, just a constant. And until college I didn’t really know how to be independent or if I could even make it on my own because of how I was raised. But college showed me that there is so much more to the world and to me. And I desperately wanted to share that with him, but he was still stuck in the same place that we met.

Then the little things started to occur to me that maybe this wasn’t healthy for me at all. I’m very passionate about what I love (if you haven’t noticed thus far) and he’d say things that would sap all of the happiness out of those things. My music, my fandoms, my art... He’d constantly rip on my favorite characters or my favorite artists or say that the way I did things wasn’t the best way. And as someone who took a long time to become confident in herself, it was jarring, because I loved him and I felt like I couldn’t talk to him about anything else that I loved. Our interests shifted and what we wanted out of life changed.

Then I came out to him. Which was very new to both of us and had me freaking out to tell him because how in the world was I supposed to tell him that I was asexual? But I thought, well, he’ll love me still. It was a nice thought. He crushed me when I told him. He didn’t tell me he was proud, or that he still loved me. He just went quiet. And when I asked him what he was thinking, well he said that he was concerned that his future wife didn’t want to have sex with him and maybe that there were some barriers that would fade with time and maybe after we were married I’d want to again. 

Yeahp. 

You can imagine how back into a corner I felt then. After a while he apologized and came to terms with it, but the damage was done and it still hurts, even now. But then I realized something. 

When I came out to my best friend, she was so excited and proud of me. And everyone else I told (even you guys) were proud of me and accepted me and I realized that I wasn’t alone. And I’m not alone. Not in the slightest. I have parents who love me and who I can now talk to about how I feel. I don’t have to be perfect for anyone anymore because I already am, just the way I am. I have amazing mentors and friends from college who love me and are there for me and I have close friends who I can fall back on if I need to. Most importantly, I love who’s in the mirror and she’s got my back too. 

But I was afraid, because, well it’s hard to end a long term relationship, even though I wanted out. I was afraid of what other people would say, of telling them, of breaking off an engagement when everyone was so happy for me and it took me probably longer than it should have, but the choice I made was the right one and I’m certain of it. Even if it’s just goodbye for now, it still had to be goodbye. 

He wanted me to be the person that I was four years ago, and I’m not her anymore. She is so far gone, even though I still love her and that part of my life, I won’t forfeit who I am not for the sake of ‘true love’

So, why am I telling you this? Well, one I wanted to let you know what’s going on in my life, but two, I wanted to let you guys know that “true love” doesn’t come from one person for the rest of your life. I believe in true love, and in agape, but it’s not from one source all the time. Fairytales are amazing and I adore them but my happily ever after is going to be on my terms. It’s not something I’m going to compromise on because it’s my life and I’ve fought hard for it. And the girl I was four years ago deserves everything I can give her. 

And the same goes for you. You’ve fought hard for who you are today, and if you don’t like who that is, well keep working on it! Keep fighting for it because it’s beautiful and amazing and something to chase. And to those of you who have been suicidal and who either still deal with it or have, don’t give in! From someone who’s been there myself, please believe me when I tell you there is so much more to life than you can ever imagine. 

And, this is a huge change for me. I’ve never been ‘single’ before and though I don’t plan on dating any time soon, it’s a lot for me to adjust to and settle into. I really am happy and proud of myself because it’s something I did for myself and the best thing I could have done for myself and now I feel free to chase after the sun without having to worry about pulling him up with me. I’m free to be me. 

That being said, I’m going to take a break on writing my Hufflepuff and Gryffindor series for right now. And I really hate to disappoint you guys because I know you love reading them and I love seeing you guys’ reactions, but right now, I can’t bring myself to write those scenarios until I’ve settled into who I am a bit and can do so without a bleak outlook, if you can imagine. I want to give you happily ever afters with Draco. I really do, but right now I can’t do that with these stories, not yet. So forgive me as I take a break with them. 

It’s not to say I won’t be writing! I will still write I promise!! I don’t know what or when, but I will write for Draco and I will show you my heart and emotions as I always do. You guys mean so much to me, you have no idea and I love writing for you guys as much as I do myself so I promise I won’t stop. But please, keep in mind that I’m going through some things on the ‘outernet’ and that requires a bit more of my emotional quota than the internet. 

I love all of you. 

Tags: @coffee-addicti @msmcsmutt @ravn-87 @artemismohr18 @whygz @crazywritingbug @fuzzy-panda @bitemebro522 @zombiesnips-blog @savingdraco @welcometomyworldwithoutrules @akari180 @slytherin-emerald @memalfoy-spidey @queenfeatherwings @fanficflaneuse @go-whovian-universe @spicyshenanigans @darling-im-not-okay-i-promise  @dietkiwi @katsukink @takemetothekingdom @strangerr-things @tmnt-queen @hxneybgb @justsomerandomgur @belcvayelena @moviesbooksandfandoms @howdycharlie @xtrashmouthxtozierx @cocochanelthepupper @ninacotte @braelynn-j @jiggllyy @honeymarvel @darcypotter-blog @atomicpunkrock @thiccheerioss @lottie289 @boredashaeck @beautiful-pegasus @tceedlmao @deadlynyghtshayde @iconjuresnapeingrandmaclothes @anonymous034 @bi-andready-tocry @lunna-does-real-doodle @dragonsandbread  @okaydraco @the-queen-of-hell-things @cmxreader @alienmotel @oh-itsnothing @sunflowerxsadnessw @fattycooter @angelotakunerd08 @thisisahugemistake @fanficsigottaread @gweaslvy @strawberriesonsummer @gaysludge @cleopatera @ray-of-sunrise @artist-bby @shadowsingeraxolotl @peters-legos @quillsareforwriting @ghostlytoadalmondhairdo​ @wollymalfoy​ @lilpieceoftoast​  @paper-cats​ @floweryjh​ @sdicapriox​ @slothgirl22​ @peachesandpinks​ @monimillion​ @hufflautia​ @livize75​ @annie-mcl​ @riathearora​ @live-like-luna​ @justathoughtfulangel​ @coconutdawn​ @skteaiy​ @wannabeskinny-thinspo​ @naughtygranger​ @queenofmankind​ @dragonsandbread​ @abundantxadorations​ @moony-artnstuff​ @myforeveryoungblog​ @and-then-a-girl-with-luv​ @1-800-luvsick​ @pandas-rice-field​ @strawberriesonsummer​ @jjustsomerandomgirl​ @mrvlfangirl3190​ @in-slytherin-we-trust​ @emmaa-t​ @introvertedrae​ @infinity1o1​ @stoleurmomsvan​ @echpr​ @sunkissed-hufflepuff​ @dekulover​ @marshmallowtraver​ @cereuselle​

[chibichuchu8d6]

Hey, so according to google calendar it’s officially pride month in the U.S.A. and that makes me really excited. I never really took note of pride month before now because I was unaware of my sexuality (I’ve done a lot of self discovery in the last year) and I didn’t feel like it was okay to interact with it even though I absolutely think it’s an amazing concept. This year, I’m really excited though because maybe the Hot Topic in my area will have an asexual ring I can buy and then wear at all times. That’s really exciting for me. I’m not going to be able to participate in any events in my area, though I doubt there are any. My town/city is like 99% Christian Republicans. It’s terrifying. Gen Z is the first taste of kids brave enough to come out these people have had. I’m just barely Gen Z myself and I’m absolutely not coming out to my parents, that’s for sure. I’m actually really proud of the current high schoolers, they started an LGBTQ+ club called acceptance club, and there are some amazing people there. They’re still a minority, but I’m so proud of everyone who made that happen. That being said, the parents of my city don’t really take it well. There are more churches in my city than there are open LGBTQ+ students.

So, I may not have intended the post to go this way, but here we are. I really really dislike all the “Christians” (I’ll get to the quotes later, stay tuned folks) that hate stores like hot topic and that openly say horrible things about those spaces whenever they see them. Sure, have your opinion but don’t talk down on the few places where people feel like they belong. I kid you not, there are zero LGBTQ+ places in the city limits. I have to drive to another city to find someplace that acknowledges pride month. I once saw a pride flag on someone’s house when driving to school, but it’s been down for over a year now. A single church in the area used to have a pride flag until someone stole it. This is disgusting. Okay, so “Christians”. I have A LOT of beef against these people, and I’ll probably make a post about that but I feel like I need to provide a tidbit of information here. So, this might surprise you but I’m Christian. However, I was raised in a “Christian” home. My parents aren’t the worst of the lot, but they’re certainly not saints. To put it simply, Christians have a single job: make more Christians. That’s stated very clearly. What they are not called to do is pass judgement on anyone, that’s God’s job. So I don’t really understand how people who go around threatening or harming others can call themselves Christians. Thus, “Christians”. I disagree with and will fight the majority of people who call themselves Christians. This is long, so I’m going to continue this later.

[dangan-happy]

(Miku Mouse will show you the light.)Hey Miu, it's asexual nonnie yet again. So uh.. it's a very long story but my parents looked through my phone and uh.. I was outed via text msgs. It sucks.. and they continue to say I'm too young to label myself and that I'm just "obsessed" with LGBTQ+. But I honestly feel.. fine like this. I felt like I found my true identity yet I feel invalidated once the people that "care" found out. I just kind of want a hug/comfort again.. if that's fine ;;.

Man, why can’t parents respect your *CENSOR* property, that’s total *CENSOR* anonymous! It pisses me off that they just looked thru your phone like that, forgive me for saying this but I don’t care if they’re ‘ya parents or not. That’s still incredibly shitty. I outta take my phone and shove it up their-

!

...

Yea, I’m calm. Whatever, my main focus right now is anonymous...

Listen to me anonymous, you’re something special and no matter what your parents say...whether they think you’re “obsessed” with the LGBTQ+ community or whatevathefuck, they can’t choose your sexuality for you. At the end of the day, only you can determine that for yourself and I’m so proud of you for accepting it. Coming to terms with it, that’s super important and as long as you’re ok with it, that’s all that matters. Course it’s fine for you to get a hug too! My arms are always open for ‘ya babes, bring it in. I’ll give you as many hugs as you’d like!

[leavaloo]

Hey guys~

It’s late, and I’m probably going to head to bed here soon, but I wanted to write this little thing because I know that holiday season and meeting with family is not really always the best thing in the world. So, I figured I’d say a little bit of my story, I guess, and let y’all know that you’re always welcome here.

In case anyone is bothered by this story of stuff, I figured I’d put a keep reading thingy here. Love y’all <3

I feel like I understand more than most people some of the hardships of life. I have PTSD from childhood. I have severe anxiety. I have depression. I’ve tried to end it all, so many times because of these factors. I was transmasc for a while, then went to non binary as I learned about myself, and am now coming to the realization that I feel womanly. That in and of itself is terrifying.

And so, when you all send me things in my asks like “this made me cry” and “these all really help me through the day”, you have no clue how much that means to me. Cause not only do I get it, it’s still difficult to realize that me and my life has a lot of worth to it to others.

I both love and hate the phrase “it gets better”. I’ve been in the situation where that has been said to me, right as I’m about to be placed back into the barren halls of a psyche ward for a suicide attempt, and I didn’t believe it for a second. I get it, I get the lonely darkness in which no light can pierce except for a few couple things. And those couple things keep you going, even if you don’t realize it.

These are things like self harm, which for some reason a lot of people don’t understand. I get it, though. I have scars on my arms from my biting. I get that it releases a part of those pent up energies that nothing else can get out. It brings you humanity and reality, for even just a split fucking second, and that’s sometimes all someone needs to keep going.

I also get the dysphoria, though it was in a different form than most other people who suffer from that. I had binders. I went my male pronouns. I was misgendered, deadnamed, hated in some circles. Changed my entire wardrobe just to feel okay. Luckily, I had a family that was pretty indifferent to that. I know some people don’t, even if it isn’t something like trans issues. Asexual? Best take you to church, you dirty sinner. I get it. I get the pain, the sting of denial of who you feel like.

2020 is just around the corner, and back in the early 2000′s, I tried to drown myself in a lake because I couldn’t handle it anymore. I write angst because it brings about the emotions that so many people understand, feel, and also because it’s scary. I write fluff because people want that, they want that unconditional love that is so desperately wanted by everyone, but so very difficult to obtain.

I want to talk about this with the world, and these books are some of the ways I wish to do it. I want to talk about the fact that both men, women and everything in between are put to ungodly standards, and that both can be preyed upon. Mental illness is real, alive and well in the population. The world isn’t a utopia, and some people have yet to realize that there’s issues that need to be brought up.

So for everyone who has these feelings of absolute defeat, hopelessness, and are really hating to have anything to do with their family, please hang in there. I tried to die at age eight, and yet, here I am. I have an apartment, a job, a cat, and you guys. I have people who care about me, and even though this PTSD is kicking in again, I know I’ll be safe.

Please know that this blog is safe. There will never be jump scares, nor will there any be discrimination. Please know that I’m proud of you for making it through another year, another leg of your life, and that you’re here, reading this, breathing and alive. It’s not easy.

I hate that phrase “it gets better” for so many reasons. It feels so... fake when it’s said to you in dark times. But maybe this will help you out a little better.

There’s a song by cry, boyinaband, and minx called “Spectrum”. The line that I hold close to my chest still stands true today, and of course, is a good mantra to live by.

I can choose my friends,

And I can choose my family,

If they won’t accept me,

Then others will have me

I love you all so much, and I know this kind of turned into a tired, deep meaning rant, but god damn it, if I’m still here, then you guys can make it too. Life isn’t easy, but you can make it bend to your will should you try hard enough.

Love you all.

Stay safe.

I’ll get back to writing soon.

For now, I’ll pet Tilly for you all, and head to bed.

<3 Gnight dears.

[sageofsarcasm]

Hey, this is important if you care about me.

I’m leaving. I know I’ve been joking about it forever, but I really am going this time. This blog will still be here, because I can’t bring myself to delete it. (anditalsomeansicancomebackifiimmediatelyregretmydecision) I may log back in to look at it every so often, but this is the end. I’m not posting here anymore. Oh, and my discord won’t be around for much longer either. If that’s all you care about, feel free to leave. The rest of this is just emotional bullshit. And it’s long.

I joined tumblr in 2017 to follow some of the blogs that were posting good shit about Markiplier and Jacksepticeye. My anxiety disorder was wildly out of control, and my lovely genetics were just about to kick me in the ass with depression to follow it. I was also, at this point, a bit of a religious fanatic with no education on anything outside of conservative protestant beliefs. I had never felt more alone.

Within a few months, I was part of something. It started with @cosmicsnowcryptid back when she was still theowlandthefinch and me sending super cringey asks under a pseudonym, because I was hurting and I didn’t know what to do about it. And then came the CYM discord server. It’s been emotional for me, because I’m weird like that, seeing it grow from the three chapters of My Mistake to what it’s going to become, and I’m so proud of everyone involved. One of my biggest regrets is not engaging with the development of the game, and then promising I would, and immediately dropping off the face of the earth again. To any of you that this may have inconvenienced in any way, I really sincerely apologize. No one deserved that.

For a while, in this community, I felt like I’d finally been accepted and free. I learned that I’m asexual, I stopped denying that I’m attracted to all sorts of genders, and I’m finally starting to accept that I’m not cis. And I’m grateful for that. To anyone who ever helped me through that horrible period in my life where I didn’t know anything about the world or myself, and my brain was completely fucking me over, thank you so much. From the bottom of my heart. Even if we barely ever talked. Thank you.

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end, and my bad habit of not keeping things in my head and grossly oversharing came back to bite me. I alienated myself from the friends I made, if any of you would still consider me a friend, if you ever did. I never felt like I belonged (which is no one’s fault), so I left. 

Allow me one last moment of divulging things you don’t want or need to know before I vanish into the void that is the internet: I never felt like I deserved to be treated the way I was. I was negative, annoying, pushy, and probably toxic, in some ways. And still you all kept reassuring me. You told me I was okay, even when I was so sure I wasn’t. I didn’t deserve that. So instead I ran away, and tried to convince myself you would forget, even if it hurt. When I felt alone again, I wanted to come back, but every time I was about to, I would worry myself into a near panic attack, because I was so sure you wouldn’t want me. Not with all I did and all the time I’d been gone. This is, of course, my own head, and my own fault. No one should feel guilty for this.

So I’m alone again, and that’s whatever. I’m used to it. Seriously, I know this sounds sad, and like I’m trying to get attention or some shit, but I mean it. It’s not a big deal. Still, my presence on tumblr and in these communities is… obsolete. I don’t need to be here. I hate my url, I hate the name I chose, I hate that I was still identifying as female when I started this blog, and I hate the mark I’ve left. Between all that mess and the simple fact that my blog is full of horrible cringe and the confusion of all the names I’ve ever gone by, it’s time for this to end.

If you care at all, I will still be around. I run another blog that I’ve had for a while now, and it’s not that difficult to find if you want to. But I’m not linking it. I don’t want to carry the identity from this blog to the next one. If you see me around, however, know that I probably miss you, and I probably still check your blog from time to time just to see what’s up. Even if we weren’t mutuals. I’m a sentimental person, and closing this chapter of my story, and the first time I ever put myself out into the world, is a bit of a painful moment for me. But it’s time.

Thank you for everything.

[silent-silver-slip]

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the ask box of the last 10 people who reblogged something from you. Spread some happiness in the world :P 💕💕

I wrote a long answer to this and it all deleted. I am devastated, just quietly. I had written so much for it and I was so proud of it. So, I'm going to take a moment and then try to come back to it. It won't be as good. Won't be the same. But, well. It'll be something. Attempt 2 of this is a go! If this deletes, I may end up crying. Or just writing it all up tomorrow. The good news of this is that I already know what I'm about to write.

(More under the line since this got quite long in the end!)

Five things that make me happy in no particular order:

Music!! This is definitely a massive point for me. I’ll fully admit to having playlists that often serve as general mood boosters when I’m having a bad day or a bad week and so on. Maybe they don’t fix things, but I usually feel better for at least a moment. Like... Things just seem better. I can take a positive outlook for a little bit. Music’s just fantastic.

My friends!!! Both those I’m close to in real life and the amazing ones I’ve met online. Having people I can turn to and talk to about anything? Trusting them that they won’t hurt me. They definitely make me happy. Spending time with them and remembering hanging out with them. Here are a few select memories that I often find myself turning to when I’m struggling (and really showcase how happy they make me):

One of my friends was going away for a year at least and we knew it was going to be months before we saw her again (so far, it’s turned out to be even longer but thankfully we all message either and we video call and, honestly, we’ve kept in better touch than I’ve managed with some of my other friends). We planned to see her about four days before she left I think. She was spending the final day with her mum and brother. And then it’s 9.30pm at night right and she messages us like “hey, it’s a bit late, but who’s up to meet up?” And I’m in my pyjamas and a hoody and they’re also ready for bed. And we’re hanging out at one friend’s house playing Rummikub. We have no time and this could be the last time we see each other for months. But we’re smiling and laughing and grinning and god, I love them so much y’know? They’re amazing people and last minute plans are fantastic. But more than that, friends are amazing. 

Another story that I love (with the same group of friends funnily enough) is one that occurred prior. We’d just seen a movie at the cinemas - I’m not sure what movie, it doesn’t seem important anymore - and we were having lunch. And I don’t remember how we got onto the topic or what we were really talking about, but it had something to do with romance? And romantic partners. I think. Anyway, one of them turns to me - and I don’t think I’d had much to say for the topic - and was like, “You don’t feel that way right?” And. It still chokes me up, even now. They don’t know the words aromantic or asexual, and yet they knew. And they accepted me straight away. I just agreed and- and it was easy. I hadn’t come out to them and it was so simply and they didn’t care. They just continued on because they knew me. And that’s amazing. And I will always be grateful to them for that. 

One of my friendships always makes me have a good laugh when I think about it, so I’d definitely say it makes me happy. This friend from high school and me, we’re not really close. I don’t meet up with her regularly or have conversation often. But our friendship is something I greatly appreciate. It’s pretty much entirely made up of me sending her things on Instagram about bees (can’t remember why anymore, I just know that I do) and quite a few things about French as a language (usually making fun of it for something or another - or French puns). And it’s not just one-sided and it’s so easy and it’s just lovely. Like. It’s something special to be able to have that friendship.

Alright! That’s two things down, so let’s move onto the third - nature, I think. Days when the sun is shining and its warm? Those often make me so happy!! Like it’s just so beautiful and the weather makes me feel good, if that makes sense. And the sky!!!!! The sky can look so amazing whether it’s sunset or sunrise or just during the day normally! The stars are so pretty and the moon can be so bright and it’s all so amazing!!! (I’ve put some pictures just below that attempt to portray how cool everything is.) And flowers can be so beautiful and so can the sea and lakes! And just- The world around us is so amazing and sometimes it’s so simple and it all just makes me so happy. 

The fourth thing is writing. Not my writing, but other people’s writing. I have fics tagged on AO3 for a bad day. They’re things that are usually short and I can turn to for when I just want comfort, for happy things and soft things and cute things. I’m so grateful to all the content creators who make these things. I can’t quite explain why it makes me feel the way I do, but I adore it. It makes me feel better about things. Like maybe there’s hope? I’m not sure. 

So a lot of the things I’ve spoken about thus far have been like massive topics, not simple easy things. The last one is probably the biggest group but it’s also one of the best things that make me happy. Or maybe it just inspires hope within me. Or maybe it’s both. It’s probably both. And that’s humanity - specifically, it’s people. I love people so much. I love the man who played the guitar on my bus one time, I love that people clapped when he got off. I love how bus drivers wave at one another when they drive past each other! I don’t know why they do it and I can’t quite say why I love it, but I do. And I love when one of the buses drops me off at a no-longer-active bus stop! They don’t have to do that at all, but they did, and it made my life easier and I was so grateful for that. I love how I walked past a physio on Halloween last year and they had a skeleton out the front with a tinsel scarf. They didn’t have to do that, but they did!! I love the guy at the park who’s dog laid down, so they sat down next to it and just petted it. I love the fact someone posted a picture of a spider seen in the overstock section in the work group chat and named it Jerry. I love the fact that someone posted a message saying ‘Jerry spotted buying swimwear’  as well! I love people singing in groups whether they know each other well or not or if they’re total strangers! I love people reaching out randomly and saying, hey, are you okay. I love strangers saying, if you need to talk I’m here. I love the fact we can lean on each other. I love the fact we can tell so many stories of little things that have helped so much. And I love the stories of big things to. I love seeing people doing dumb things and falling in love with that. People being people are amazing. I love that people can be kind, even when the world seems to try and beat it out of us. I love that it reminds me that people can be good. There’s a reason I have stories saved about people doing nice things and people saving lives. It’s the small things and the big things. It’s just people being people. It’s humanity. And it makes me so happy that I can’t even convey it all. 

I’ve spoken about the five things and whilst it’s nowhere near as good as it was originally, it’ll do. Since there doesn’t seem to be a limit on what I can write, I’m going to add a few other things (and memories) that make me happy and I thought of as I was doing this:

My pets! And animals in general! Funny animal videos! Cool animal videos!!! 

How many things people can create and come up with! Art! Writing! Poems! The list goes on. Content creators are amazing and they can weave magic into the air. People can so easily see magic and find it and I love that. We don’t have to see it the way we do, but we choose to. I love that fact.

In my final year of high school, we did this thing. We each had a piece of paper taped to our backs and we each had a pen. All of us went around and did our best to write something on everyone’s piece of paper. We didn’t stick to friends only or people we knew well. We wrong something on anyone who came near us. We wrong in corners, on the back, scribbled slanted messages and wrote in capitals and drew smiley faces. I remember someone missing that session and everyone working together to write messages out on a piece of paper the morning before they came in. But more than that. More importantly, I remember seeing those pieces of paper hanging up in lockers. I remember seeing them hung up like a reminder. A reminder that we were good, that we were kind, that people liked us, that we mattered. I know I still have mine, carefully placed in a folder. I look at it sometimes, when things aren’t great. There are so many messages there. From people I was friends with and from people I wasn’t friends with. People I’d spoken with at length and people I’d only had a few conversations with. I love that we used our words on kindness so easily. I love the fact that so many of us depended on those pieces of paper. I love how it makes me happy, even now, a few years later. 

You know what else made me happy? This ask. I initially started writing it (the first time) feeling... not great. But I’m happy now. Things feel better. So thank you, anon, for sending this in and making my day better. This is definitely spreading happiness around and I’m gladly going to pass on the message to anyone who’s willing to receive it. 

[aplaceforthesoul]

hi i think i used to talk to bonnie when i was like 14 if u remember me i called myself B! if u remember me im now a 17 year old agender and im finally getting better, im struggling to accept my sexuality and romantic orientation (asexual aromantic) but im getting there! i just wanna say thank you for everything you did for me and youre the reason im alive today💖💖💖💖- B

hey lovely, I think that might have been me you used to talk to? (x) hehe but no matter who it was I’m so glad that you’re alive and here today :* I’m really really proud of you for fighting to get where you are today, you’re a warrior and I hope you know that

- tash

[ashcourse-blog]

My A-spec Experience.

Dear exclusionists and aphobes,

My name is Ash, and I am demisexual. I have identified as a-spec since I was 12, after coming across asexuality via a Tumblr positivity post about specifically aces and aros. I was so happy. I had finally found something that I could resonate with, and it made me so excited to know that there were others out there like me. 

Now, because exclusionist Tumblr was not as prominent then as it is today (from my personal experience), I never came across any aphobic posts that discouraged me from identifying as asexual. So I carried on, proud to be ace. I quit using Tumblr due to personal reasons for a couple years, so when I came back (at around 14-15), I was expecting the same positive vibes and welcoming arms from everyone. 

I was wrong.

Aphobes and exclusionists were flooding the tags with horrible aphobic material and nasty call-outs about how a-specs didn’t belong in the LGBTQIAPD+ community. There were many that actually discounted some a-spec identities as “fake” or “attention-seeking”. I was hurt. I was sickened. I was sad. I remember crying myself to sleep that night, hating myself for who I was. 

I experienced internalized aphobia for a while after that. I had immense difficulty struggling to accept myself, and I was definitely discouraged from identifying as ace.

Until I attended my school’s GSA. My counselor, who I was out as ace to, informed me of the club during my sophomore year of high school, and at first, I was against the idea, saying that I wasn’t sure if I’d be accepted as LGBT+ there, but she assured me that everyone there was very friendly and inclusive.

I timidly attended my first meeting at the GSA, and everyone was so excited to see a new face. My social anxiety prohibited me from interacting with anyone at the time, but over the course of a few weeks, I slowly warmed up and came out of my shell. However, when I was chatting with a few of the members in a little “friend circle”, someone asked me what I identified as. I froze. I panicked. I almost started to cry. I was so scared that the people who were criticizing my identity on Tumblr were right in front of me at that very moment. Then it came out of my mouth suddenly, without warning.

“I’m asexual.”

I did it. I said it. I was out as ace to near strangers at school. I wanted to run away, but something stopped me. I stayed. I was expecting backlash. I was expecting hate. 

But they accepted me like I was one of their own. And I was. I was LGBTQ+. And I still am. But the point being, I felt free. I felt like I could finally be myself.

But my identity was bound to change, as all identities are. When one of the girls in my GSA said she was demi, I got curious. I asked her what she meant by that, and she explained demisexuality and demiromanticism to me like it was common knowledge. I was pleasantly shocked to know that, hey, there IS an asexual spectrum, and it ISN’T just black-and-white. When I said I wanted to learn more about it, she was happy to oblige, and I discovered that there were TONS of asexual identities out there, not just aro and ace.

I started to think about my label a bit more that night. Was I really asexual or was I something more than that? After a while of thinking of myself with that term, I became more and more comfortable with myself. And I rejoiced. I’d finally figured it out.

I am demisexual.

But that’s not where the story ends. 

Just a couple weeks ago I came out to my “best friend” as demi. I thought we were friends. I thought I knew everything about her. I thought she was a good person. I thought I loved her (as a friend).  But I was met with the same aphobia as what I’d previously experienced on this hellsite a while back: “Demisexual isn’t a thing” “It’s just a glorified term for straight” “You just want to be special” “You’re not LGBT” “You’re broken” And she cut off all contact with me (she was a long-distance friend).

I was hurt. I felt broken. And I’m still wounded today. But after coming back to Tumblr with a brand new account and blocking/ignoring as many exclusionist blogs as possible, I felt a little bit better. Especially after seeing all the a-spec positivity blogs everywhere in the discourse tag. (We can do this!)  Now, I’m not out to my parents. They only see me as asexual. I’m much too afraid to tell them that I’m demi. 

But I AM demi and I’m PROUD.

Now, before I wrap this post up, I just wanted to clear something over. Yes, I AM heteroromantic. Yes, I AM demiHETEROsexual. But that does NOT make me ANY less LGBTQ+. Don’t you DARE say that, especially after reading this post, that I am NOT a part of the community. Aphobia and asexual oppression/discrimination is VERY real, especially in today’s sexualized society, where if you don’t find “so and such” celebrity “hot” at first glance, then there’s something wrong with you.

I hope any a-spec person reading this has found some sort of hope. I hope they’re having a good day.

EVERYONE on the a-spec is beautiful and valid, and 100000% LGBTQ+.

Exclusionists and aphobes, kiss my demisexual ass.

love, Ash <3