#but here we are also apparently after we get back from this i have to share a bed at home w another near stranger who’s staying w us 🥳

[mysteryshoptls]

2025-2026 Player Birthday Login Message Lines

These are all the messages that you get from the boys when you log in on the birthday that you set in-game from 18 Mar 2025 to 17 Mar 2026! For those that want to hear them, you can find them in the Archive, under the tab その他　→　監督生バースデー⑤. (This will not be in your game archives until the birthday you set passes.)

You can find the 2021-2022 Birthday Login Message Lines here! You can find the 2022-2023 Birthday Login Message Lines here! You can find the 2023-2024 Birthday Login Message Lines here! You can find the 2024-2025 Birthday Login Message Lines here!

HEARTSLABYUL

Riddle

Happy Birthday, [Yuu]. It may only be a small token, but I've prepared a gift for you. Here is a spare tie. I'm sure you won't get yours dirtied often, but there is always the chance. In order to follow the rules and dress appropriately, you should make sure to carry it on you at all times.

Ace

Oh, there they are. Heeey, [Yuu]. You free? Let's go play some b-ball. Why...? I mean, today's your birthday, right? I thought I'd celebrate you in my own way, is all. Come on, let's go, we gotta get moving 'til our stomach growls. There's another bit of "fun" to look forward to after, too.

Deuce

[Yuu], Happy Birthday. I went and rented a blastcycle for you today. I just thought it'd be nice to let my hardworking friend feel the breeze on their face for once. Might be a good change of pace, don't you think? Don't worry, I'll drive totally safe. Here, get on the back. Once you're ready to go, we're off!

Cater

Happy Birthday! Thanks for all the work you do as a prefect. Don't you get tired from working so hard? That's why I got.... this! Some bath salts recommended by yours truly! The rose petals inside are super cute, and the fragrance really helps to soothe your soul～ Tell me what you thought later!

Trey

[Yuu], Happy Birthday. I was actually thinking of heading to a café today, want to come with? Apparently the sweets there are made by a first-class pâtissier. Aren't you curious how it'll taste? You think I'm just wanting to taste it for myself? ...Haha, no way. I'm just trying to celebrate you for your birthday.

SAVANACLAW

Leona

I thought it was sounding pretty rowdy, but I see it was just 'cause it's your birthday. Good for you. Huh? You want to eat lunch with me because it's your birthday? That's a pretty strong demand from a little herbivore like you. Well now, what sort of delicious meat will you treat me to, hm...? You're extending an invitation to me, of all people, so I'm expecting a lavish feast.

Jack

Happy Birthday. I'm just saying that as a fellow schoolmate. It's not like I'm looking to get along, or anything. Hm? The candy jar you got as a gift won't open? Fine, hand it over. ...There you go. I'm pretty nice for someone who doesn't want to get along...? What's that supposed to mean? Don't get ahead of yourself, just 'cause it's your birthday.

Ruggie

[Yuu]-kun, Happy Birthday～ Feels like you're growin' a bit more with another year under your belt. Oh yeaah, you should totally show off how mature you got. For example, maaaybe you can treat me to something. You'll buy me a lil' snack? Sheeheehee, thaaaanks～ This is why it's great havin' cute lil' underclassmen like you.

OCTAVINELLE

Azul

[Yuu]-san, a very Happy Birthday to you. ...Whatever is the problem? You have a concerned look on your face. You haven't finished your homework? Even though the party is right around the corner? Well, isn't this a predicament. Allow me to embody the spirit of compassion and assist you. Not to worry, proper compensation can be discussed at a later date... Right?

Jade

Happy Birthday. I've prepared a present for you. Here you go. This is a patch of moss that I cultivated and separated out just for you. Also, here is a booklet on how to care for it. Please show me how well your moss has grown six months from now. ...You absolutely won't allow it to wither and die, now, will you?

Floyd

Shrimpy-chan, Happy Birthday～ Here ya go, I brought a cake just for you. ...Eh, the cake inside's a mess? Ohhh right～ That might be 'cause I dropped it earlier. So? There somethin' wrong with that? It's not like the taste'll change. Eat it already, c'mon.

SCARABIA

Kalim

Happy Birthday! Pheeew, I'm feelin' so excited. Makes me wanna dance! Oh yeah, wanna dance together at your birthday party later? ...Ahaha, you don't gotta know what moves to make! I'm just gonna dance for you with all my best wishes, so that'll be fun enough!

Jamil

Happy Birthday, [Yuu]. Are you ready to be completely mobbed by everyone in the spirit of your birthday? Eh, you're not? Hey, that's why I'm always telling you to be prepared for any... ...Mm, maybe I shouldn't nag like this on their birthday of all days... Ugh, fine, I'll get you ready. First, we have to do something about those clothes, got it?

POMEFIORE

Vil

Happy Birthday. You seem to be having a grand time. Perhaps you didn't need my well wishes? Of course that couldn't possibly have been the case. That's why I've made my way here before heading to my club. I have a present to hand to you, as well. You should be grateful that I took the time for you like this. Keep on striving for perfection.

Epel

Happy Birthday! It's about your present, but... Wanna come with me to pick something out at Foothill Town? I was looking into a bunch of stuff, but I don't really know what's really in right now... You sure? Great! Then let's go right now! I'm really looking forward to shopping with you!

Rook

Happy Birthday, are you enjoying your special day? Your beauty still astounds as another year passes! This is my present to you. I made sure to thoroughly prepare something that you are guaranteed to love. As a hunter, I cannot allow my aim to be off the mark, after all. Hurry, please open it. I want to hear your thoughts as soon as I can.

IGNIHYDE

Idia

Happy Birthday... ...Eh, you have a favor to ask me? Ugh, that's worse than having to give a present... I'll at least ask, but... what is it? You want me to tell you what computer I recommend? I mean, I build my own... EH, YOU'RE INTERESTED IN BUILDING YOUR OWN COMPUTER TOO!? Suuuure, of course I'll teach you! I gotchu, whether it's air-cooled PCs, liquid-cooled PCs, or anything else you want! When it comes to personal builds, I'm your man～!

Ortho

Today's your birthday, right? Happy Birthday! I have a present for you, too. Here you go, DVD of movies! I searched through all the reviews online and compiled all the most popular movies in each genre. Once you're finished watching everything, I'd love to verify your impress... Wait, I mean, I'd love to chat about what you thought of them!

DIASOMNIA

Malleus

Happy Birthday. In celebration, I've prepared some ice cream. Why did I choose this? Because I remember being elated, myself, when served this in the past. I can only hope you feel the same. ...You are? Well, wonderful.

Silver

Happy Birthday. Is there anything you'd like as a gift? You'd like to train with me? A spectacular attitude... Of course, I do not mind at all. However... The celebratory atmosphere may lead to me being more spirited than usual. Let me know if it becomes too difficult for you.

Sebek

Hey, human! You're looking more lax than usual. Do you not think you're letting yourself go too much, simply because it is your birthday? You're surprised I remembered? Well, obviously I did, my memory is much better than yours, after all! I won't say this is an offering for your birthday, or anything... But I should feed you something that'll put some muscle even on a weak human like you. Follow me!

Lilia

[Lilia pops out from the ceiling] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, [YUU]! Kheehee, a good reaction, indeed. Birthdays should all be about surprises. It seems like my little tactic was a big hit. I've got a present and some cake waiting for you, too. Basically, the plan was to treat you after giving you a little shock like that.

OTHERS

Grim

Happy Birthday, [Yuu]! C'mon, hurry and get ready to go! As the boss of the Gastronomy Club, I made you some real good food! I threw in a ton of leaves and roots, too! You're a real lucky hench-human, huh! Myahaha!

Crowley, Crewel, Trein, Rollo and Fellow do not have new lines. Theirs are repeated from last year’s.

Crowley

Ta-daaa! What do you suppose this could be? That’s correct, it’s an exchange coupon for use at the Mystery Shop! You have been a consistent helping hand, so… This is a special gift for you. Happy Birthday. Incidentally, that is only worth 500 madol (5 Thaumarks). It cannot be exchanged for something pricier than that. Please don’t hold it against me.

Crewel

It seemed rather rowdy in here, but now I see it was just you, pup. Are you excited simply because its your birthday? I see, well, in that case, I have a special present just for you. As for what it is… It is a special alchemy homework assignment. You should be happy; you’ll be able to improve your skills even further with this, don’t you think? Haha, Happy Birthday.

Trein

I hear it is your birthday today. Do continue to put forth your best effort in your studies as a student of academia. Allow me to gift you with some words of wisdom instead of a present, as someone who has been on this mortal coil slightly longer than yourself. Merely aging another year does not a mature person make. However, time spent on fruitful endeavors will always be of benefit to your growth.

Rollo

Whatever is the matter, [Yuu]-kun? There is a strange glimmer in your eyes… …Ah, I see. Today is your birthday. A present? Hmph. I hardly think that it should be something you request of others… But no matter. Indeed, birthdays should be treasured. However, what would be an acceptable gift…? I am afraid I’m rather unaccustomed to this. I would hope I do not disappoint you with a poor gift choice.

Fellow (EN: Ernesto)

Oh, my, hello there, my learned scholar! I’ve been searching, and finally, I’ve found you! I was fervently hoping to wish you well for your birthday. Here, your present. ...As fellows lacking in magical abilities, we should get along together, don'tcha think? Happy Birthday! Fwahaha!

Requested by @butterflyremix.

[pineconepie]

oooo how about vincent with reader and one of his parties gone wrong? maybe reader gets hurt or almost dies?

Here you go!! <3

TW: Near-death experience (for Reader), mentions of murder, attempted murder, poisoned Reader, hospitals

"Stay close by me," Vincent reminds you once again, squeezing your hand tighter in his own gloved one. "You don't have permission to talk to strangers or leave my sight."

You almost scoff. As if you ever have permission.

Its been at least three months since you've started living with him. Despite being constantly monitored, you don't necessarily hate living with him. After getting used to his treatment of you, it's pretty comforting.

Being able to depend on somebody and not worry about things is nice. Other than a few rules, you can basically do whatever you want as long as it doesn't involve running away, hurting anyone or yourself, or disrespecting Vincent.

Overall, it could be way worse.

Vincent looks at you for confirmation.

"I know," you mumble. "No going near strangers or leaving your sight. I'm not stupid."

The blond chuckles softly, brushing his thumb against your knuckles. "No, you're certainly not dumb, pumpkin, but sometimes it takes more than smarts to keep safe. Remember what we said? The world is dangerous." He ruffles your hair gently. "And hey, if you don't wanna stay for long, we don't have to. Just need to make appearances, all that good stuff."

You nod. "Okay."

Honestly, if you had a choice, you wouldn't attend this gala whatsoever. It was a meeting between members of Cryo, but not like their usual monthly one.

Instead, this was actual an annual thing hosted in order to show off Cryo's successes over the year and hopefully find prospective members.

Vincent was reluctant when you told him you wanted to go, since apparently these galas were usually rather boring and weren't suited for "babies" like you (in Vincent's words). Plus, there'd be plenty of alcohol, gambling, and lots of "grown-up conversations."

But you managed to convince him with your puppy dog eyes and pleading. He's weak for those, you've noticed. Always wants to please you.

He had gotten you the nicest dress/suit, even though you already had at least five ones to choose from. He donned a black suit with a purple tie and matching slacks. His gloves were also black and leather, as well as his belt and shoes. He finished the look off with cufflinks shaped like golden bullets and a matching broach on his suit.

"You nervous, kiddo?" he asks in concern, squeezing your hand tighter.

"A little bit," you admit. "Just want people to like me."

Vincent frowns at you. "Well, if they're mean to you, they'll end up six feet under, so no need to worry about that."

"I don't want people to die either," you grumble. "Especially just because of me."

Vincent pinches your cheeks. "They can either be respectful to you, or dead. Their choices, doesn't seem like a hard one, either."

You swat at his hand, and he laughs. Soon enough, the two of you reach a large, extravagant looking building, lit up brightly despite the late night.

He guides you towards the entrance, and you enter into a massive hall filled with hundreds of people, most likely part of Cryo. Its quite loud inside. There's music playing somewhere nearby as well.

Everyone seems dressed formally. Suits and dresses abound. Several waiters walk by holding trays piled high with hors d'oeuvres and wine glasses.

Vincent continues to guide you towards a specific spot—where the guests are gathering to greet one another. As soon as he shows up, everyone greets him. Some of them eye you suspiciously or curiously, but they seem to know better than to outright approach you.

And you notice they only acknowledge your existence briefly before turning away and continuing their conversations with him or each other.

He notices you staring. "(Y/n), want me to introduce you?" he murmurs, patting your back.

You shake your head, and instead hide yourself behind him.

"Sorry, folks, my kid is a bit shy right now," Vincent laughs. "How bout we save introductions for later when they're in a better mood?"

The people shrug and agree, seeming content with that answer.

So that's how things continue. Vincent occasionally lets go of your hand to perform a handshake with somebody new, or wrap an arm around your shoulders, but never once truly leaves your side.

Occasionally, he offers to grab you food and drinks, making sure to only feed you things he knows are safe. Knowing the crowd here, for once you don't blame him for being extra vigilant.

A lot of small talk goes on. You zone out a bit as you hear talks about trade deals, weapons manufacturing, smuggling operations, assassinations... The typical mob business. You already know most of the details thanks to Vincent's constant chatter anyways.

Once it seems like the two of you have met every single person attending, he brings you to a quieter part of the gala, where they seem to have an open bar.

A couple people are milling around the area. A few seated on barstools and chatting with bartenders, others standing nearby watching. Vincent guides you to one of the seats, helping you onto the stool before sitting next to you.

"Want some juice, kiddo? We've got lemonade, grape juice, orange juice..." Vincent says. "I personally get a root beer float most of the time."

"Don't you drink?" you ask. Now that you think about it, you've never seen him drink in your presence.

"Not as often anymore. Not when I got someone young and innocent depending on me! Gotta be sober to watch you properly," Vincent says. "Besides, I'd never live it down if I became a bad influence for you."

You almost laugh. Funny he out of all people is saying that. "I guess I'll have what you're having, then."

Vincent grins and flags down one of the nearby servers.

"What can I get you, Mr. Brewer?"

"Two root beer floats for us, please."

She nods and rushes away.

While waiting, the two of you idly chat and watch everyone else. You notice a tall man with short brown hair and brown eyes approach, eyes fixed on Vincent. Something about his wide smile throws you off. He looks friendly, yes, but also a bit too enthusiastic, even more so than others who met you earlier.

He seems different than the other people here, and not in a good way.

"Hey, Boss," the man greets. His voice is slightly on the higher-pitched side. "Haven't seen you since your trip to Budapest. I heard you adopted a kid." He smiles at you.

"Yep," Vincent confirms, though he sounds a bit annoyed. "If you attended more meetings, that wouldn't have become a problem. Phoenix tried to contact you several times, we all thought you were dead."

The guy scratches the back of his neck nervously. "Sorry... Things got busy on my end..."

Vincent looks angry, but holds himself back from yelling. For your sake, that much is obvious. You see his fingers twitching subtly. "You should make an effort to stay available whenever possible. You have a job, Sullivan. This isn't some side-gig you can just show up to when you want. If your uncle weren't contributing so much to Cryo, you'd be out of here in a heartbeat. I can still make that happen."

Sullivan sighs. "Yeah. I'll try to do better next time. Sorry again, really." He sits next to Vincent, eyeing both of your root beer floats, both in fancy wine glasses. "So, uh, (Y/n), was it? Nice to meet you."

"Yeah... nice to meet you too," you say politely, sipping your drink.

Vincent's eye twitches. He shifts his chair so it's angled closer to you protectively. Almost like a shield separating you and Sullivan apart. "Is there something else you needed?" Vincent questions, clearly getting impatient. He puts his drink down, right next to yours.

"Nah, just wanted to see you and apologize for being such trouble recently." Sullivan wedges himself between you two, arms outstretched on both of your shoulders, and both of you looking at him in confusion. Vincent's confused look turns into a sour one. "What? Just wanted to be affectionate, sorry. You're awfully grumpy today."

"Are you drunk?" Vincent sneers.

"Just a little!" Sullivan snorts and pulls away.

You're a little fearful for the guy's life, judging by the way Vincent is staring him down. You grab your drink and take a sip from it, not noticing Sullivan's brief look of panic.

"Uh, well, gotta go! I'm sure Trent's gonna wanna catch up with me," Sullivan nervously says, walking away quicker than Vincent has ever seen him go.

The blond only scoffs. "If I see him again tonight, I'll shoot him in the head myself," he grumbles.

"What happened to wanting to be a good influence?" you laugh.

Vincent flicks your nose. "Hey, if someone were bothering you who you wanted to shoot, I'd fully support it. I think the world would be a much better place if we got rid of all the people who were bothering my beloved kiddo." He ruffles your hair. "And hey, did you take my root beer float? Mine had the purple straw! Brat." His tone is playful, of course.

You pull back to look at the nearly fully-consumed drink, seeing the green straw. "Oops, must've mixed 'em up... too late, it's mine now."

He shakes his head in mock disappointment. "My kiddo... so mean. But it's fine, because yours had more in it, anyway! So ha-ha." As if proving a point, he begins loudly slurping yours. You laugh at the silliness. If only everyone knew that Vincent was a fool.

"That guy was kind of weird," you murmur, changing the subject onto Sullivan. "Have you known him for long?"

"Unfortunately," Vincent mutters. "Ever since his uncle joined Cryo, he felt entitled enough to get a job from us. Honestly, I'd much rather fire him, but since he's family with a high ranking member, I'd rather not cause any unnecessary conflict. Don't really trust him, though."

"Sounds like you really hate him," you chuckle.

"Me? Hate someone? Pfft, never. I'm a saint." Vincent nudges your shoulder with his own. "Yeah, I'm kidding. I kinda hate him. And I especially hate anyone who makes you uncomfortable, which I can tell he was doing. If not for his uncle..." He doesn't need to finish that sentence.

You finish your root beer float, and put the empty glass to the side. He wraps an arm around your shoulders while he pulls out his phone.

You see it's Quinn, and that he's telling her to keep an eye on him. You continue reading what he's texting, but then it gets harder to, the words growing blurrier and blurrier.

That's when you realize everything is getting blurry. Even the man next to you.

"Dad," you mutter. Your tongue feels like lead.

"Not now. Give Dad one sec." He keeps typing on his phone.

"Dad." More urgently.

"Be patient, kiddo. Quinn can barely type properly as is."

"I feel really bad," you rasp. "Dizzy."

Vincent looks up from his phone quickly. "(Y/n)?" His eyes widen as he sees your pained expression and sweat dripping down your face.

He drops his phone immediately as he catches you right before you fall off the stool. He runs a hand across your forehead. "(Y/n)? Hey, baby, shh, calm down. What hurts?" Panic seeps through his tone, yanking off one of his gloves with his teeth to feel your pulse, putting two fingers to your neck. Its rapid-fire.

"E-everything," you whimper. It's hard to even form words anymore. Your vision is getting darker and darker, and you can no longer breathe.

You begin to cough, holding onto his shirt for comfort as you feel the edges of your conscious slipping. Your throat feels blocked up. Every attempt to speak results in a strained wheeze and a coughing fit.

Vincent lets out a rare, strangled noise. The fear of losing you is the one thing keeping him grounded.

He lifts you up easily, bridal-style, into his arms, resting your head against his chest. He maneuvers past the crowds, calling for someone to get a stretcher for you.

You can't tell what he's saying anymore, only that he's yelling. Is he mad? Upset?

Or terrified, maybe. Maybe that's why his voice is shaky and cracked.

"Baby, come on, just breathe for Dad, alright? Just focus on my voice, sweetie," he begs, rubbing circles in your chest, as if he can coax air into your lungs. "Breathe with me. Please."

Your breath stutters and comes out shallowly. There's nothing you can do.

No way to obey him. You can't breathe. Why can't you breathe? You're trying so hard, just like he asked you to, but it's like your lungs refuse to expand, refusing to cooperate.

Vincent tries his best to coach you into breathing right, talking in soothing tones and soft coos, encouraging you to calm down and copy him.

Even if everything didn't sound muffled, you couldn't understand him anyway from the way he's speaking, on the verge of hyperventilating. He's trying so hard to act okay for you.

Everything starts to become dim. Blackness creeps into the corners of your vision, slowly overtaking your sight entirely. No matter how hard you struggle, fighting to stay awake and alive, your body gives into the poison and shuts down, leaving you limp in his arms.

The last thing you hear before darkness consumes your consciousness is Vincent screaming louder than you've ever heard him before.

...

Vincent paces back and forth as he waits in the hospital hallway outside of the ER.

"Vincent," Trenton greets sympathetically. It's rare he ever refers to his boss with his first name, but it's not something Vincent minds usually, especially not now. His mind is too preoccupied. "We found the perpetrator—"

"Sullivan," Vincent snarls, finishing for him. "I already figured."

"R-right," Trenton sighs. "We caught him attempting to run. He was already prepared for flight. Uh, it seems like the strychnine was meant for you, but either mixed them up or you got your drinks mixed up."

Vincent nods. "That damn traitor... you have him in custody, right?" Trenton nods. "Good. Keep him alive. I want to kill him myself."

"Understood. Do you want us to torture him first?" Trent asks. He's usually not this brutal, but he loves you like a sibling, after all.

"No. I'm saving that pleasure for myself." The door opens and a doctor steps out. Vincent's most trusted doctor, Dr. Fredericks. "(Y/n)! Let me see them now!" He doesn't even bother asking if you're alive; he simply refuses to even consider that outcome. That's the only thing that's been stopping him from absolutely losing it.

"Okay, but they're very much out of it," she tells him, leading him down the hallway into your room.

She's right.

You're on a hospital bed with the covers pulled over your chest. An oxygen mask is secured over your mouth and nose, and several monitors hooked to various machines beep quietly, tracking your vitals. There's an IV drip attached to your wrist.

As promised, you are awake, but clearly unable to do anything beyond that. Your eyes are drooping and you're blinking slowly, struggling to stay alert.

"(Y/n)," Vincent breathes, rushing over and grabbing your hand. He crouches beside the bed so that he's level with you. "Sweetie? Can you hear me?" He kisses your temple gently. He brushes your hair away from your forehead, pressing his cheek against yours.

You try to move your hand weakly towards his voice.

The blond nods quickly. "Hi, baby. Yeah, its Dad. I'm here. Everything is gonna be okay now." He presses kisses all over your face—anywhere he can reach without disturbing the oxygen mask.

"Poisoned," you manage to rasp.

"I know, lovebug. But it'll be okay." Tears threaten to spill down Vincent's cheeks.

"Scary," you say next.

"I know," Vincent whispers again, his voice cracking. "I'm so sorry. I wasn't watching closely enough. Shouldn't have let him anywhere near us. I won't make that same mistake again, I promise." Not after he turns that bastard to dust. Slowly.

"Not y'r fault," you slur.

"It is. I should've protected you. That's my job, sweetie." He kisses your hand repeatedly. "Don't speak anymore, okay? I just want you to rest. At least until this comes off." He taps the clear oxygen mask. "And then we'll talk aaaall you want. Doesn't that sound nice?"

You shift positions as much as the wires will allow, and you pat the small space on the mattress, motioning for him to join you.

He chuckles and shakes his head fondly. "Aww, buddy. I don't wanna crush you."

When you continue to persistently slap the bed sheets, he finally concedes. He slips his shoes off and climbs onto the bed with you, helping you lay on top of his chest.

He makes sure all wires are in place as they were moments ago. "Comfy?" You hum in confirmation. Vincent plays with your hair. "Get some sleep, honey. Dad's not going anywhere."

Your eyelids flutter shut as you listen to the sound of his steady heartbeat, grounding you and lulling you to a peaceful, safe sleep.

Normally Vincent would be awake, hyper-vigilant as ever, but the exhaustion from running around in a frenzy and pure terror takes its toll on him too. His eyes close and sleep follows soon after.

[ephie-om]

The Scheme

“This is stupid, even for you.”

“Shut up. It'll work.”

“It's not gonna work.”

“Well if you keep talking, it definitely won't.” 

Belphegor laughs softly and curls up on the floor of Lucifer's dark closet. Satan shoots him a glare from above, peeking through the crack in the door. 

“Just admit you made this one too complicated,” the youngest says quietly. 

“It is not too complicated. It's inventive, not that I would expect you to understand.”

“Okay, let's go over this ‘inventive’ plan of yours then. Step one: Lucifer walks in the front door and crosses the foyer, which arms the teleportation circle. He then walks down the hall to his room, assuming he doesn't go literally anywhere else first, and he takes exactly seventeen seconds to do so.”

“He always takes seventeen seconds. I've timed him.” 

“Then, when he reaches his door, he realizes we've been in here because the door is closed. He gets a fire spell ready in his hand, because apparently he wants to kill us-”

“We've done a lot before. He'll be prepared.”

“And the fire sets off the canister of methane that's been slowly dissipating into the air for exactly enough time to create the correct gas-to-air ratio for an explosion, also triggered by the sigil in the foyer.”

“I double-checked the math.”

“He stumbles into his room, disoriented, and triggers the teleportation circle which delivers him into the middle of the Shadow Forest. He has to fight for his life against assorted monsters for exactly five minutes, at which point the return spell will trigger and put him right back where he was standing. We sneak out of the closet just before that to… do what again?” 

“To scare him.”

“What, we're just supposed to go ‘boo’?”

Satan shrugs. “If you want. It's not really important.”

“That's what you didn't plan out? Really?”

“It’s not that hard. Just scare him.” 

Belphie scoffs. “How long do we have before he gets here?”

“I gave us about an hour to get into position and make any last-minute adjustments.”

“An HOUR?” 

Satan shushes him with a disapproving look, but the youngest is incorrigible. “Why are we staying quiet if he doesn't get home for an hour? This is insane.” 

“It was just a precaution. I had to make sure- tell me you're not going to sleep right now.” 

Belphie huffs up at him. “I would go to sleep if we had ten minutes.” The youngest tugs a shirt down from a hanger and balls it into a pillow. “Wake me up when he gets home.”

Satan sighs, resigned to keeping watch. Belphie's breathing slows after only a minute or two, and Satan finds himself soothed by the quiet rhythm. An hour really was too much time, wasn't it? As if Lucifer was ever unpredictable. Satan's eyes close, and he decides that his sharp ears will alert him when he needs to wake up. A quick nap wouldn't hurt. He leans back against the opposite wall and settles in.

Lucifer hides a yawn behind a gloved hand as he pushes open the front door to the House of Lamentation. It’s been a stressful day, and he’s greatly looking forward to the idea of a warm bath. His keen nose catches the scent of magical chalk in the air, and he glances around until he spots the telltale glint of magical runes written on the floor. He would have to remind Satan to clean that later; he isn’t keen to find out what that spell does. He carefully sidesteps the mess and continues up to his room.

He finds the door to his bedroom latched shut, which gives him pause. He’s completely sure he left it open this morning, and something tells him this was a result of one of Satan and Belphie’s pranks. He mutters an incantation, bringing a flickering flame to life in the palm of his hand. He’s learned it’s best not to take chances with these two. He pushes open the door slowly, all senses on alert. But the only thing his ears catch is soft breathing inside his room. Walking in carefully, he looks around until he locates the source. 

A small metal canister lies in the center of the room, and Lucifer tosses the entire thing out the window, not willing to assume it’s nonlethal. The breathing seems to be coming from his closet. Did they put some kind of beast inside it? It sounds like it’s sleeping, but he doesn’t want to assume anything. With fire in hand, he opens the door slowly. 

The forms of two sleeping demons greet him. As he thought, Satan and Belphie were involved. Somehow, he must have entirely countered their plan. Their sleeping faces look relaxed and peaceful, rare for Satan especially. Lucifer stands over them for a moment, considering. The sweet big brother in him wants to let them sleep and assume their plan had worked. But another part of him sings a different tune. How many times had they caught him off guard, humiliated him? He thinks back on how many pictures he’s had to bribe either of them to delete, and gets an idea that makes him grin.

“Asmo! Asmo, come here.” Asmodeus turns around slowly, one eyebrow cocked. Lucifer stands at the bottom of the stairs with a giddy look in his eyes. “I need your help with something.” “Are you drunk?”

“What? No, I’m not drunk. Why would you think that?”

“You’ve got that smile. What do you need my help with?”

“I just need you to document something. And send it to the household group chat afterwards, of course.”

Asmo thinks it over for a moment. “What kind of something?”

Lucifer grins. “Follow me.”

The two demons make their way up the stairs, and Lucifer presses a finger to his lips before opening his bedroom door. In the faint glow from the hallway, Asmo can see his two brothers in the closet. He stifles the giggle that bubbles up, seeing two of his most intimidating brothers curled up on the floor. Almost on instinct, he grabs for his phone and starts to snap photos. Lucifer stands back and lets him work for a moment. He makes sure to get pictures from all angles, close enough to catch Satan beginning to drool.

Asmo sits back for a moment, thinking. “I have an idea,” he whispers with a mischievous grin. “Be right back.” Lucifer sits at his desk waiting, chuckling to himself every time he looks over to the open closet door. Asmo comes back with a plush makeup bag filled with squat bottles of nail polish. “How do you feel about a little competition? You get Belphie and I get Satan. Whoever can balance the most on them at a time wins. Oh, and if they wake up, you’re disqualified.”

Lucifer’s ruby eyes shine bright with mirth. “Challenge accepted.”

Asmo and Lucifer fit themselves in the doorway as best as they can and start stacking. Asmo gets to three bottles on Satan’s forehead before his brow scrunches in his sleep and the bottles nearly fall onto his face. Asmo just barely catches them and curses under his breath, starting over on Satan’s knee instead. Lucifer has gotten to four on Belphie’s shoulder consistently, but the youngest’s arm is a bit too unstable a foundation. After the third fall, he opts to try the side of his head instead, which works out much better. At least Lucifer doesn’t have to worry about Belphie waking up, while Asmo pauses after every bottle to make sure his brother is still fast asleep.

After several minutes of work, both brothers end up at five bottles. Lucifer tries to add a sixth, which makes his whole tower wobble, and he quickly removes it. Asmo has been nudging bottles here and there, trying to reinforce the structure enough to add another. Lucifer sits back, pleased with his work. Asmo sticks his tongue out as he tries to place one more bottle, but it slips right off. He huffs and glances at Lucifer, who smirks. “A tie, then?”

Asmo pouts. “I guess. Oh! I almost forgot.” He pulls out his phone again and shoos Lucifer out of frame, getting several more shots of his brothers. He sits in the center of Lucifer’s room to edit the pictures properly, adjusting the contrast here and there to make up for the dim lighting. Lucifer sneakily snaps a picture of his own, then sets about the task of removing the nail polish from his brothers. As soon as he zips up Asmo’s bag, his phone pings. Asmo grins at him. “I only sent the best ones.” Lucifer chuckles and pushes the closet door until it’s only open a crack, and the two head downstairs.

Inside the closet, Belphie yawns and rolls over. He thought they were never going to leave.

Everyone inside the House of Lamentation knows exactly when Satan wakes up, or at least when he checks his phone. His roar echoes through the house, rattling the windows in Lucifer’s room. Asmo takes that as a sign to barricade himself in his room, and Belphie relocates to the attic and locks the door. They could try a prank another day; for now, he just wants to finish his nap.

[idk6505]

Something Special (Derek Morgan x BAU! Reid! reader)

Summary: The Team is out on a case and while Y/N is part of the team she has to stay back because of a leg injury so she’s spending the day in the conference room with the officer of supreme genius, Miss Penelope Garcia ( a la Jason Gideon when he had that cast but like Y/N is nicer) and once Derek calls Garcia for something kind of menial so Y/N speaks instead.

Paring: Derek Morgan x Reid! Reader (they're in that weird stage where they flirt but are like still a will they, won't they and they know they're into each other)

Warnings: So violence, mentions of abuse, mentions of SA, mentions of necrophilia, murder, serial killings. (I keep everything brief. It’s in one paragraph) use of y/n, fem!reader

Sadie notes: this isn’t the first fic I’m writing ever but it is my first fic about Derek Morgan and my first fic on Tumblr so please be gentle! Also I maybe spent too long on everything that happened before the call and like a little moment with Penelope before the call. this is around maybe season 4 or 5-ish

Another day, Another case. Y/n sighs as she walks into the bullpen with her crutches and her ankle all wrapped up. She immediately can feel Derek, Spencer, and Emily look at her. She does her best to just keep her head down.

“What happened to you? Wild night?” Emily is the first to speak, curiosity and teasing dripping from her tongue, and Y/n shakes her head as she makes her way to her desk.

“Girls' night with a friend from college went wrong… We had a good time, and then I rolled my ankle on some stairs and fell. There was a crack or two and lots of pain. My friend is a nurse…” She paused for a moment and turned her head to look at her brother.

“Spencer, do you remember my friend Maggie?” She asked him, knowing, of course, he remembered. She watched him nod.

“Interestingly enough I remember 2 people named Maggie that you mentioned. Was it Maggie, the Party animal, or Maggie, the never-left-her-room ex-roommate? Your letters from college talked about both.” He gives that thinking look he makes, the one where his eyebrows furrow and he pouts just a smidge.

“The 'never left her room' one” Y/n shrugs and uses your crutches to finally get to your desk.

“Anyway, she carried me to the closest urgent care apparently she's a boxer and got super into bodybuilding after college- anyway here we are” she shrugs and finally sits down. Derek looked her way and raised an eyebrow and she just shrugged it off and looked away from him.

“Is that why you texted me at 2 am, Sweet thing?” He asks Y/N as Emily and Spencer go back to other things they were probably doing before she came in, although that seemed suspicious. She looks at him and bites her lip a little, feeling bad, of course, that she didn’t tell him about her leg. Before she could say anything though Hotch came out of his office with JJ.

"We've got a case" Hotch spoke and she sighed and got to the conference room as quickly as she could with Derek helping her since she was on crutches. Her cheeks felt warm as she felt his hand on the small of her back, guiding her and providing support.

Part of her always liked the way he seemed to have such an effect on her and Derek being the guy he was always played with that shyness. He didn't do that this time though. "You gotta be more careful. I might have to come along next time and play knight in shining armor" He chuckled a little, though it was a little pained because he wished she wasn't hurt right now.

After the briefing, she makes her crutch-ed hobble to her desk by herself while the others get ready to go. She had been told by Hotch that she wasn't going into the field injured and even though she hated it she knew she needed to listen.

Thankfully, her brother was gracious enough to promise to text her everything or at least call her with how opposed he was to technology. So she texted Penelope, telling her what happened and when the rest of the team left. Y/n would spend time with Penelope and just help out over the phone.

After everyone was gone she and Penelope had set up in the conference room making a few interns help out since Y/n was on crutches. It all got done pretty smoothly and soon enough Y/n was sitting down and going through some files she had to finish reports on while waiting for the team to talk to her about new details on the profile for this new case.

"So when are you going to tell Derek about that big fat crush you're sitting on?" Garcia smirks a little, not looking up from her laptop for even a moment. Y/n is, for lack of a better word, flabbergasted at Penelope's comment. She does her best to shrug it off and looks at her files again. "I have no clue what you're talking about" Y/n mumbled as she wrote some things down about the case in the file she had worked on.

The topic wasn't dropped the way Y/n had hoped. Penelope gave her a knowing look and smiled. "You know I don't have to be a profiler to know you're totally lying. We all see the way you are with him. You lose all that quick thinking of yours the minute he calls you 'Sweet Thing'. We all see those heart eyes, well everyone but him." She giggles and gets back to her work.

Penelope's words stick with the younger Reid though. She thinks about it and hopes she really isn't that obvious about her crush. She mostly just hoped that Spencer didn't know. Her brother was usually oblivious to things like that.

A few hours later, Y/n is writing down everything her brother has texted her about the case so far. It seemed relatively straightforward. All they’d come up with so far is that the guy was clearly a narcissist and that it was definitely a guy. The victims all had their eyelids sewn shut and large cuts and autopsies of the bodies showed signs of assault both pre and post-mortem. This was a pretty gruesome case really. The guy doing this shouldn't have been so good at hiding but he was and that was why they had jobs.

Y/n sighs as she goes over the files they already had some more and Garcia comes in with her octopus mug filled with coffee. Sadie moves her rolly chair over to her stuff. She hears the phone ringing and she sees the number and she knows it's Morgan. she puts it on speaker as she answers it before Penelope can. "You have reached the brains and babes hotline! How may we be of service?" She bites her lip a little and looks at Garcia and hopes that was a good call opener that was similar enough to hers. Pen was practically about to burst with how adorable she thought Y/n's intro was.

"Well hello there, Sweet Thing! I was expecting my Babygirl but this is a change I welcome wholeheartedly." Derek spoke into the phone and Y/n didn't even have to be able to see him to know that he was smiling. "Well, you could always call again later or you have my personal and my work cell. Drop me a line sometime, baby?" Y/n smirked a little and she could see that their precious Penelope was trying not to squeal. "Will do Sweet Thing. Now I happen to need to talk to Garcia so pass me over?" He spoke to her.

Y/n sighs and gives a small 'uh huh' before passing over the phone. She lets them do work that only the unmitigated genius of Penelope Garcia can do. She went back to her files and kept a smile on her face. She was more than happy about this whole incident and it made her leg injury have a bit of an upside.

divider credit to: @aquazero @strangergraphics @ithemes

taglist: @justwhisperingfantasies

comment if you wanna join my taglist. I will write about Derek Morgan, Dean Winchester, and Gabriel! see you later, Lovies <3

[cumplanecrash]

So apparently I only have time to format this at work, and the thing about work is, sometimes you have to do work there. This smallish section (under 800 words) rounds out what will be chapter 2, I think.

AO3 🔗 Shizun Babies AU tag 🔗 writeblogging Shizun Babies 🔗 first 🔗 prev

This was the part that they never showed you in the videogames: everyone needing to fuck off and bury their noses (or their disciples' noses) in some books. There would be no convenient "Ah, yes, I've heard of such a thing" or recently arrived tomes, like there would have been in the original Proud Immortal Demon Way; no search engines or algorithms like a more modern setting might fudge the downtime with. Everyone had to leave and go do research, because this wasn't in the book and/or because the System wanted to milk the situation for Heartwarming Points or something. Dinner'd been had, the very little they knew had been shared, and it was time for everyone to go their separate ways.

And Yue Qingyuan was absolutely bullying his precious disciple!!

They both stood by the front door, where Binghe had just returned with a stack of books from the Great Library, still clutching them as the sect leader loomed over the boy. Binghe wasn't done growing yet, while the sect leader was approaching 2 meters and as broad as an ox (that or Shen Qingqiu was shorter than Shen Yuan had been, which would be a trip and a half given usual fantasy logic), so it's not that hard for him to physically crowd Binghe without actually using overtly hostile body language.

[the finished version of this illustration goes here]

"It's very important that you understand that your Shizuns still have all of their adult faculties," Yue Qingyuan whisper-yelled at Luo Binghe. His back was turned to himself and Shen Jiu, as he had been about to leave, so Shen Yuan couldn't see Yue Qingyuan's face, but he could see Luo Binghe's polite-masking-intense-discomfort expression, so he could only imagine the intensity. "You must respect that they are grown adults, who have earned a high rank and the corresponding respect."

"Naturally," said Luo Binghe, sounding bewildered.

"But also," Yue Qingyuan took Luo Binghe's shoulder. "This curse makes them need to perform childish mannerisms against their will. So in a way, they also need adult supervision."

"This disciple is used to providing for Shizun during his flare-ups," Luo Binghe explained. "Providing amenities while being respectful is a skill this disciple has honed over the last year. And as for Lord Jiu, there are at least two things we agree on wholeheartedly, so this disciple thinks things will go rather smoothly this time around."

Bing-ge, what's the second thing?? Bing-ge? Shen Yuan bit down on his candy, hard.

"Luo-shizhi must contact me if he needs anything at all," Yue Qingyuan shook Luo Binghe by the shoulder.

"Qiii-ge," Shen Jiu whined, startling Shen Yuan where he sat next to him. "Let the boy put the books down before you make him piss himself, carrying on like that."

Shen Yuan wasn't the only one startled. Yue Qingyuan looked mildly sheepish after getting caught threatening Shen Yuan's precious little lamb. (Which, to be fair, he had excused Shen Jiu doing so much worse, so clearly this backwards-ass fantasy setting didn't understand how traumatizing being threatened by someone who you had no reasonable method to get away from could be. There was a reason the Revenge Against Shen Qingqiu arc had been so long and so well received, is all he's saying.) After relaxing from his startle, Luo Binghe sent Shen Jiu a grateful look, a sentence which had never before been thought in the entire PIDW fandom's history.

"Gimme gimme gimme," Shen Jiu demanded sardonically, going so far as to make grabby hands.

"You're doing that on purpose," Shen Yuan accused him.

Shen Jiu tilted his head back, and Shen Yuan was not preparee wail that came from so close. "Xiao Jiu wants his books now!!!"

Luo Binghe hurried past the sect leader, panic clear in his eyes as he brought five thick books to the table. As for Yue Qingyuan...

Shen Jiu immediately covered his mouth, bursting into giggles. "Qi-ge's face!" He gasped out, curling over onto his side towards Shen Yuan. Yue Qingyuan's dismayed expression was hilariously overblown, to be fair. Once the table was blocking the other two's view, Shen Jiu glanced up toward the cieling, and then did a tiny little dance, wiggling his hands and feet with a small smile.

That's what counts as heartwarming around here? System??? System are you broken?!? Shen Yuan demands to send a bug report!

[akirathedramaqueen]

When indecisiveness puts you between two fires and you get burned.

So, I wanted to reblog again a wonderful comparison post from @warblogs17282 about progression of Blitz's moral compass when it comes to taking on contracts, but it somehow became its own thing, so I decided to make a separate post. I suggest you check it out it first to know the context. <3 But as I said, this read is independent.

So I'm here to throw to the pile. Blitz faces the similar choice - whether to call the hit off or not - in Unhappy Campers. And this an interesting one. Hang on with me for a sec.

Despite Barbie Wire clearly saying the guy works for her, Blitz at first acts snarky about it.

Then, she explains that the target is her supplier. And look. Blitz holds Moxxie back. He lets her speak. The only time he talks back is when he assumes Barbie's on drugs again.

But, before we get to hear Blitz's opinion on this, the situation escalates. Also, apparently demon eyes glow in human disguise too? Or at least when they're emotional.

And they start fighting. 'They' being . . . Moxxie and Barbie. Moxxie attacks Barb, Barb throws Moxxie into the water.

Barbie calls Blitz out. Asking him - again, clear as day - to stay away from this. To back down. To give up the hit.

But Blitz . . . stays silent. He chooses not to act.

And before he says anything, Moxxie gets out of the water, it grows into a full-blown fight, leaving no room for negotiation.

There's a very interesting detail. While Blitz was dragged into this too, the only thing he does is to keep away his sister and his friend from each others' throats. He doesn't favor any side here. Just trying to keep everyone alive.

It's better to watch the fight for yourselves, but here are some highlights.

Separates them.

Drags Barb back when she gets an upper hand.

Doesn't reciprocate when he gets attacked himself.

Even shoves the target out of the way to save him from Moxxie's knife. Holds Moxxie from lurching onto the kid.

This last fact got me thinking that he might've silently decided to stand with Barb or at the very least, get the things to cool down so they can talk it out.

Unfortunately, a stray firecracker puts an end to this.

We know how it unfolds after. Barbie Wire blames Blitz for everything and leaves, asking he never seeks her again. Ever.

So what's interesting here, in the context of Blitz progressing from "we're ruining a family" (Murder Family) to "not this one, Mills" (Sinsmas)?

It's the middle of it:

he does question whether they need to proceed with the hit;

his only goal is to keep everyone alive - including the kid;

yet, this is not enough; his actions aren't decisive enough.

In the end, if he did the same thing as in Sinsmas . . .

If he told Moxxie to back down, none of this would've happened.

And he paid dearly for it.

So honestly, I have no idea where people got the idea that Blitz has no lines he wouldn't cross. Guess they just checked out after C.H.E.R.U.B.S.

[notinmyvocab]

Here We Go (Again)

Lilia CalderuxReader

The Witches' Road took everything from you. You use a time travel spell to try and get it back.

This was stupid. Not in a so-simple-it's-dumb kind of stupid. An idiotic, possibly catastrophic kind of stupid. Yet here you were, standing across the street from Madame Calderu's.

It was the day before Agatha and Billy would arrive and implore Lilia to join them on the Road. A day before you also got wrapped up in that nonsense. You, Jen, Billy, and Agatha had made it out alive.

Time travel magic had been on your mind ceaselessly ever since. It wasn't something you even considered possible, but it was Lilia herself who inspired the idea. She didn't experience time linearly. So to some extent, time travel was possible. The only thing left had been to figure out how to harness the power for yourself.

But Lilia? She and Alice hadn't been so lucky.

Alice's loss had been hard, but Lilia's had been devastating. You didn't think it was possible to grow so close to someone in such a short amount of time, but you had been inseparable up until the moment she pushed you to safety through the Iron Maiden and sacrificed herself

Somehow you made it work. You made it happen. And now you could save her.

You took a deep breath and forced yourself across the street.

A bell chimed, announcing your presence. The incense that filled your nose and wrapped around your heart like a hug. A warm glow from candles and dim lamps, tapestries hanging, a crystal ball glinting on the table. It was all so Lilia.

"Welcome."

You could have cried. Hearing her voice again... You looked at Lilia with adoration and disbelief. She was really there; it was really her.

She didn't recognize you. You two hadn't met yet. And her confusion was clear. Noticing your staring, Lilia's smile faltered for a moment. She cleared her throat and continued, "What is it that you seek?"

"You." The word fell from your mouth before you could stop it. You meant to ease into it; it wasn't like you could just come right out and explain that you knew she was going to die. Yet your tongue moved faster than your brain.

It was just so good to see her again.

But because you were still a stranger to her, Lilia didn't take too kindly to your reasoning. Her smile dropped and her eyes narrowed. "Who are you?"

You swallowed thickly. "Sorry, sorry. I'm just..." Deep breath. You told Lilia your name, a small stupid part of you hoping that saying it would trigger some kind of memory. But how could it when you hadn't met yet?

"Look, I'm not a witch hunter. I'm not some weirdo looking to chase you out of town," you promised. How could you explain it? "Time isn't linear," you suddenly said. That she was certain to understand.

And she did. Lilia didn't relax fully, but her expression softened a bit. "Most people experience it linearly."

"But not you."

"And not you either?"

You shook your head. "Not for today." You took a step forward, and she didn't back away from you. You took that as a good sign. "This is gonna sound totally crazy—"

Lilia waved you off. "Honey, when you've been around as long as I have, nothing sounds crazy."

"I'm from the future."

She pursed her lips. Apparently, you had just proven her wrong. Lilia considered you for a moment before turning around and disappearing through the beaded curtain. You heard the clank of a kettle on a stove top and went through the curtain yourself.

"So, "Lilia grabbed two mugs from a cupboard, "you're here to tell me about my future. How ironic."

"Yeah, I guess it is."

You shifted on your feet, the silence that fell weighing your shoulders down. You really just wanted to hug her and never let her go. You needed to warn her not to go down the Road. You needed to tell her that she should ignore Agatha Harkness, even if her name is on the list of coven members. You needed to beg her to please, just stay home.

It would create a paradox. You followed a reddit thread about them after you were confident you could cast the time travel spell. Bootstrap paradox: if Lilia stayed home and didn't go on the Road, then she would never die. If she never died, you wouldn't need to travel back to warn her to not go down the Road.

If Lilia never went down the Road, the two of you would never have met, and you wouldn't go back in time to warn her.

The internet wasn't super clear on what would happen if a Bootstrap paradox was created. All you were able to find were clips from Doctor Who and some people saying the very cosmos would collapse.

And if the world didn't end? If you told Lilia to stay here, ignore Agatha, and was able to live happily ever after with you for centuries to come?

What then?

[echolynn13]

SFTH Chaotic Highlights (The Meringue Haberdashery)

Part 2 of the longforms, here we go:

So first things first, when I heard this title I had to google the definition of haberdashery because both myself and my mom thought it was one of those words that basically meant nonsense. Apparently it doesn't even mean that in America so idk where we got that idea

"I teach you nothing, I only show you the way" Someone needs to tell Don Juan the definition of 'teach'

"I sewed the funeral suit, she looked better than when she was alive" Not the best time to be prideful of your work but go off I guess

"It was a difficult time, and I found myself, uhhhhhhhh-" Absolutely no one knew what was going on at any point in this entire play and I'll never get tired of the chaos that vibe created

God, there's so much to say about the fucked up flashback sequence- The confusion over whether the dead girl was Don's wife or child, AJ assuming Sam was playing Don's child self as opposed to the kid who died, Don Juan being continuously 'in the flow' while no one seemed to know wtf he was on about, the girl's name changing to Nikita, AJ stage slapping the shit out of Sam, and ofc the fucked up death of a needle going through the child's eye shown via Sam's brilliant stagecraft

Also I think "You can sew a waistcoat perfectly, but you cannot sew a narrative together" deserves its own bulletpoint, I love that line so much

"I've had a difficult life, Don Juan, and if you want to live it... Then go for it" Words of wisdom from Don Juan #1 there

Even in a brief moment, we really get to see the gears turning in Sam's head when hearing the word 'sopa', searching the 'Spanish vocabulary' section of his mind before confirming Luke is in fact talking about soup

"You ever wonder why you and him have the same name?" Luke bringing up the elephant in the room that will soon become a surprising plot point

"He has no ambition!" "He's had a rough year!" He's like damn, give my name twin a break, his daughter died in a really traumatic way, of course he's not alright

"For many years his daughter was alive and healthy! Yet the shop stayed the same size! W H Y ?" Luke's delivery on 'Why' is perfectly over-the-top, as always

The back and forth of the soup bit "Give me a spoon" "I gave you a spoon" "Oh. Well this spoon is shit, get me a better one-"

*insert Adam Driver 'good soup' meme*

This is just a question, but could anyone tell me what Luke says after Sam says "He could maybe find some closure, some religion, something else-" because I can't for the life of me understand, and the autogenerated captions completely gave up on it

"I am a very sexy man" - Tom, in every goddamn improvised play (unless of course, he's a very sexy woman instead)

Luke deciding to become a ghost/hallucination of Don Juan #1's dead daughter- I know she ends up being a ghost, but the first scene really has vibes of 'oh this man has PTSD' so idk what the original intentions were

Idk if it was Nikita's voice or the fact a customer had just stolen the store's bell for some reason, but Don Juan has lost his ability to form words! That shit wasn't even stuttering anymore, it was full-on, natural-sounding gibberish, like he was playing the translator game with a language that doesn't actually exist

"Don Juan.." "Yes, Don Juan?" Ah yes, the culmination of the joke I've been waiting for

Sam suggesting AJ already tried giving himself a lobotomy after AJ speaks fluent alien-speak again is top-tier comedy

Unexpected Don Juan lore drop: Not only was he born and abandoned inside the haberdashery, he also constructed the entire building himself, as an infant. The more you know!

"Just like the namesake of this haberdashery, you are cracking! Like a meringue that's been left out too long... I can't watch your mind fracture like a meringue under a hammer" Guys I think Don Juan #2 might be trying to remind us of the play's title and that it's totally relevant to the plot

Hey so has the fandom decided on what the dead daughter's name is? Or is it like a Billy/Timothy/Benjamin type thing? Because I need answers

"Has your dead daughter been saying things to me fro beyond the grave? No! ... My wife on the other hand-" I don't have anything to add here, I just like that bit

Sam caught that needle in his hand like he caught the cocktail in The Hare Who Wore A Sweater

"You know anti-psychotics could cause mental cracking in healthy minds, so we're just wondering, what's going on here?" The tone of this whole conversation is as if the doctor is trying not to cause drama, as they actively (and accurately) accuse the 'sick' wife of drugging the town. I can't tell if that's just the characters general vibe or if they're worried about their own safety if they piss this lady off

Luke: "What are you doing?" Sam: *silently trying to figure out who the hell this character's supposed to be* "Nikita-?" Luke: *closing one eye to make it more obvious* "What are you doing??"

Sam goes through the same confused thought process after the 'What are you doing to yourself?' line

"Who is making you do this?" "He is" "Who is making you do this?" "He is making me do this-" "WHO is making you DO THIS? Come on!" "I- I'm making me do this-" ".. It's your wife, your fucking wife" Nikita/Luke is so tired of Don Juan/Sam's shit

"Do you ever wonder why you and my father have the same name?" Luke started this plot line, and now he's the one to end it

Luke being the translator for the audience is so funny. He said 'es verdad' and was like 'fuck you aren't gonna know what that means, here I'll spell it out for you'

"I was never sick.. I just don't like working!" Understandable villain motivation

"He said I was a bad influence and he kept me away" I mean you did drug the whole town, I can imagine you weren't the best influence back then either

Also wow, they made the daughter's death even more fucked up than before-

Tom being summoned to stand and represent 1000 Don Juans, as his singular self

"We really have to finish the show" "So it finishes with the villain winning!" A villain played by Luke winning is the only kind of unhappy ending I want to see, really it couldn't have gone better

Final thoughts: Everyone that thinks The Lighthouse is the most chaotic SFTH play needs to rewatch The Meringue Haberdashery right now

[deathlessathanasia]

Hi! I’ve a question regarding wounding gods. There’re a ton of myths in which we see them getting harmed, sometimes needing someone to tend to their wounds. However I believe they can sort of regenerate, right? Like Prometheus. But also, there’s the castration of Uranus and he didn’t get his penis to grow back. Are there sources for how this works? Is a special weapon required to harm them forever? If one of them gets their arm cut off for example, is it cut out forever? If a god gets a superficial cut does it heal fast? I know it probably varies from source to source, but I’ve been trying to wrap my head around how it might generally work.

We have the examples of Aphrodite, Ares and Hades in Book 5 of the Iliad, all of whom needed to be healed by another god after being stabbed (by Diomedes and Athena) or shot (by Herakles): Aphrodite's wound (presumably because it was more superficial) was taken care of by her mother, but Ares and Hades needed the help of the healer god Paieon who spread soothing herbs/ointments on their wounds. Thetis, too, according to Phylarchos, went to Thessaly and healed in the city Thetideion after Hephaistos wounded her with his hammer. Then there is Zeus during certain accounts (Apollodoros' Library, Nonnos' Dionysiaca) of the Typhonomachy: he loses his sinews and needs someone to bring them back to him in order to heal, but no special healing techniques are mentioned and apparently all that is needed is casually putting them back into place. But perhaps Zeus is just special; he did take an axe to the head like it was nothing after all (and carried a baby into his thigh). Some gods are more „godlike” than others. Anyways, judging by the example of Zeus in the Typhonomachy one assumes that if a god got their arm cut off they would need to attach it back. Who knows though? Maybe a removed body part would in fact regenerate but slowly whereas Zeus needed a fast solution to his problem, but the first interpretation would make sense of the Ouranos situation as well. Interestingly, both Ouranos and Zeus (in Apollodoros' account of the battle with Typhon) were injured with an adamantine sickle.

There are also instances of gods getting wounded without any mention of the healing process, such as Hera when Herakles shot her or Ares when Herakles (again! that guy is such a menace) stabbed him twice according to the (Pseudo-)Hesiodic Shield of Herakles. Maybe Paieon got involved then too, but the wound of Hera is described in an interesting way in Iliad 5: „And Hera too endured, when the powerful son of Amphitryon struck her, down into her right breast, with a three-barbed arrow; then pain that could not be soothed (ἀνήκεστον … ἄλγος) gripped even her.” (trans. Alexander) Could it be that we have an example of an incurrable wound here? In this same passage the pain of Hades when enduring the same ordeal is also emphasised, but in his case it is specified that Paion used analgesics for his injury. Maybe not though. It could simply be meant to draw attention to the great suffering that arrow put her through.

The quickly regenerating liver of Prometheus seems to be an exception. Many people have taken this and the similar tale of Tityos' punishment as evidence that the ancient Greeks were aware of the regenerating property of the liver and it's a really cool idea, but other than these specific stories there is no evidence that they were. If it was common knowledge even as early as Hesiod, then one would expect to find it mentioned in medical texts at least. Maybe the regeneration is part of the punishment. Or maybe divine internal organs are naturally like this (Tityos was not a god though), who knows?

Are special weapons required to harm gods permanently? Maybe. There is the sickle that castrated Ouranos, and there is the thunderbolt that not only left Typhon permanently charred (Aischylos' Prometheus Bound) or on fire (Apollodoros' Library) but according to Zeus himself in Book 8 of the Iliad would inflict such grievous injuries on Hera and Athena that they would not be able to heal even in ten years. Maybe not. In some accounts (Apollodoros' Library, Lucian's On Sacrifice, Valerius Flaccus' Argonautica) Hephaistos' legs are permanently injured as a result of his fall from Olympos but probably he is a unique case since disability plays such a big role in who he is.

[interactivefictionramblings]

This is very interesting, and I personally am very grateful for your analysis, so thank you.

So, about anger…

Baal’s influence is via darkness, and, as we see with WotD!Lane, this makes her angrier. More notably, however, is that the more Lane gives into the anger, the further the hold of darkness.

(I’ve only seen others playthroughs, but that’s what I’ve noticed. Anger, irritation, hatred.)

VoG!Lane, though, resists anger. She holds it back during her nightmare, saying she does not blame God; what would be the point? She knows that hatred will only destroy her. And in the case of Kira’s murder, she also resists the rage flooding her immediately. She doesn’t let it subjugate her will, as the story tells us.

When Portia is being turned, it isn’t until just before the infection completely overtakes her that she gradually becomes angry, as well.

And, intriguingly, despite VoG!Lane’s earlier stance on not blaming Sepha, in S3, as she reacts to Baal’s presence affecting her, she starts to think angrily that Sepha abandoned their world, leaving only a miserable book as his mercy. I found this very odd for VoG!Lane.

So, I think you’re right. And I think the more easily one’s anger is accessed, the more of it they have, the quicker the infection spreads—but, love seems to be the antithesis to anger, in this case. Dmitry loves Anna so much he’s got the will to push her away day after day for her sake (explained in a recent 💎 scene, although I only saw someone’s post on it once). He says she’s all he has. This gives him a more powerful emotion to anchor his consciousness to. Portia had her love for her husband, as well, and how he valued the Order, that’s why she could give her last words on passing on the mantle to Yan.

And anger doesn’t have to be selfish, of course. That father that was turned very quickly, with his wife and sons nearby, probably felt terrible fury at the unfairness of the situation they were in. His family was forced to see him be bitten.

Perhaps this is even why Cain can resist Baal’s influence so much? Because he’s always had a deep love for Abel to hold onto…? 🤔

After all, even when Abel tried to destroy (kill) Cain, Cain only wanted him to leave him alone.

(I was just thinking earlier that maybe the way Baal tricked Cain into being bound, without giving Cain what he asked for - to take Abel’s energy from inside him - was because Baal had promised to grant Cain’s wish, not his desire, and Cain’s wish was to have Abel. That’s how Abel is here now. I haven’t read HS2, but if the MoL was trying to lead the world to destruction in HS1, why not give Baal more power after it failed? Like she apparently gave Plague, later? But Baal’s influence is restrained, due to his imprisonment, so Abel was weak. Donovan’s notes from the oil rig say his regeneration was getting stronger, but he still wouldn’t wake up. Baal possibly left him for Donovan to discover, knowing he could make use of him once he’d recovered. That’s how Abel is summoned by Baal: he was the one who resurrected Abel.)

just how fast the night changes

"i don't blame you for anything" "i won't forgive you"

"you were once my friend" "a wonderful 'friend' like yourself"

"what difference does it make what our past is?" "no second chances"

[lucky-aces]

.

[thethingything]

I'm fatigued, my back hurts, I accidentally spent like 3 hours sat downstairs in a chair that made our back feel worse because our executive dysfunction prevented me getting up and going back upstairs even though I only went down there to get one thing, and now I really need to lay down but if I accidentally fall asleep again I feel like I'll wake up, realise I fell asleep and also that I feel like I wasted a big chunk of the day, and I'll end up feeling even worse again

[kuiinncedes]

aksndbdhdhdhhd

[exopelagic]

talking to him more very much achieved. we just talked for like 4 hours in the kitchen holy shit I need to sleep

[alltheprompts]

Dp x DC prompt #13 (yay lucky number!)

What if Danny is introduced to the family not as a gremlin, but as his friend from community College and he is so freaking normal that it makes the entire family suspicious. The only reason Jason decided to bring him along is that he knows Danny seems too normal for their cohort and it will utterly freak out Bruce and Tim, confuse Grayson and set off Damian. Jason though, he knows Danny is only normal for the first few times of interaction, then he starts getting weird even by Bat Family standards.

Jason: Hey. I brought my friend from campus tonight.

Danny: Hi! Nice to meet you!

Bat family: *suspicious eyes* Nice to meet you.

Danny: I totally didn't believe Jason when he said he was one of 5 kids but he proved me wrong. Lol.

Bat family: How'd you meet Jason?

Danny: OH! He's been tutoring me in English class and I've been helping him with Calculus. We met at the library when I was trying but failing to type a paper and ended up irritating him with my groaning. He walked right over asked me to shut up and I apologized and said I was having difficulty *insert English homework here* and he had a look utter disgust and surprise and said "how the fuck are you having problems with that?"

Jason: I was disgusted. That was such an easy topic.

Danny: For you maybe! Anyways I said "Well if it's so fucking easy, explain it to me. And he did! With way better clarity then my professor. So I thanked him and asked what I could do in exchange for help. He then told to stay fucking quiet o he can work on his stuff. And we went on about our business. A week later we were both back in the library again and he was banging his head, so I went over and asked if he was okay and he yelled to leave him alone and he just as I was about to leave I noticed he was working on calculus and told Jim I could help if he wanted. He looked at me like I was insane.

Jason: I was cause you are. Most people don't ask to help after being yelled and cursed at.

Danny: But you had helped me on my english paper! I wanted to return the favor! This happened a few more times before it became normal to meet at the library and work together!

The batfamily is reeling at this strangely normal and meet cute type story and the fact that Jason was going to college and nobody knew somehow (Alfred knew).

After meeting Danny, they stalk him to see if he was acting normal or trying to mess with Jason or Jason manipulated someone normal to mess with them. The first while Danny seems perfectly normal and innocent but after a while they start getting a feeling of something off about Danny like he was both him and not. They also notice that Jason tends to stay calmer when he is around Danny. As they realize he is weird and they slowly figure it out, they actually get less anxious about Danny. As someone not quite normal or human in Danny's case was far more comforting for them then anyone of them managing to befriend an actual normal civilian with no apparent baggage or extreme homelife. A

[ckret2]

So a while ago some friends were talking about fans who claim the Same Coin theory is canon. And I made the mistake of saying:

Do you know who also has tons in common with Bill? Mabel. Yet nobody claims Bill reincarnated as Mabel. …wait now I want a "same coin but it's Mabel" AU. Funniest Bill reincarnation option. The all-seeing arsonist is making macaroni glitter art. The omnipotent tyrant is crying because a unicorn called her a bad person.

And then I overthought it for two months.

So—AU where after death, Bill's soul shoots 13 years into the past and reincarnates as Mabel. I'll call it ✨ Sparkly Coin AU ✨

Don't leave yet. Lemme show you why it works. Behold the eerie amount of parallels in their personalities, dialogue, behavior, mannerisms, tastes...

I could have kept going but my attention span ran out. All right, we all on board now? Convinced we could segue from one personality into the other? Great. Now here's why you should be interested: the juicy post-Weirdmageddon angst potential.

As long as a small fringe of the fandom still thinks Weirdmageddon is Mabel's fault, why not amp that up x100 and have some fun with it?

Is everyone sold now? Great. Let's get into the details. I've got 8 more pieces of art under the read more.

So the AU starts the instant Bill dies. Thanks to invoking his deal with the Axolotl—one way to absolve his crime, a different form, a different time—the Axolotl gives him a new shape and shoots him thirteen years into the past. Apparently, the Axolotl thought it would be very funny to stick Bill in the family that defeated him.

Which probably made for a jarring transition.

(It's fine, she's like 10 minutes old, she probably can't even tell who she's looking at. Not being able to tell who she was looking at is what got her into this situation ayyyy)

When Dipper & Mabel come back from Gravity Falls complaining about this triangular jerk Bill, their parents mention that Dipper's name was nearly Bill. See, after they knew they were going to have a boy, one night their mom dreamed about a visitor—some kind of magic pink salamander??—calling her child "BILL." Then at the next sonogram they found out they were having twins, the girl must've been hidden at a weird angle the first time, and they wanted matching names, so they thought, Bill and Bell. But they didn't really like Bell; but eventually they stumbled on Mabel, so to keep the names matching they switched from Bill to Mason. Isn't that the darnedest thing?

(Of course, Mabel and Dipper assume Bill harassed their parents to try to trick them into naming a kid after him. To be a jerk.)

When Bill meets Mabel, he's unaware that she's his future self—Bill's notably bad at doing things like, say, double-checking to see whether he's going to die anytime soon—but like... he can tell something's up.

Naturally, before visiting Gravity Falls, there were echoes of who Mabel used to be—but nothing anyone would be able to identify without context. All her Bill-ish quirks either smoothed out with time (see: how between second grade and fourth grade Mabel went from being the "freak" to the popular girl in class), or else they were accepted by her family as Mabel-ish quirks.

After they meet (and kill) Bill, they have the context to understand some of Mabel's behaviors... and unfortunately, some of Mabel's latent Bill-ness starts surfacing after she's been directly exposed to her prior incarnation.

The part of the Pines family familiar with Bill thinks the worst case scenario is that maybe Bill's survived and is slowly possessing Mabel; but far more likely, they think this is just some weird way of trying to subconsciously process last summer. Mabel doesn't think she's being weird, you guys are being weird, stop giving her weird looks. They get attacked by one triangle and now she can't wear yellow or pick up macrame as a hobby??

(It's not all red flags and uncomfortable triangle imagery, though. When Stan asks her what she'd like as a gift for some important event, she shyly admits that she thinks she's starting to outgrow her plastic gem jewelry and maybe she's old enough to get her first piece of real gold jewelry, if that's not too expensive? And Stan's never been so proud of her. Thirteen years old and already thinking about buying gold!)

But of course, the real fun starts when Mabel finds out.

That's the face of a girl who's just discovered that she tortured her great uncle. Now imagine running into the brother she possessed.

But I've already spent a million words and thirteen images on this post. If enough folks are interested in the AU maybe I'll expand on it later. Let me know what y'all think.