#but has now left us feeling sort of...
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I'm no long in the wayhaven fandom but I came back to see if any new stories have popped up since the b3 release and it just reminded me of your work and how much joy it brought me at the time. Reading through them all again I am taken away by what an amazing writer you are and how your stories feel so TRUE to these characters the way they've been written. You just get them! Almost more than Sera does. A part of me wishes you could write Mason instead!! Anyway I understand times have changed and no one is really in this fandom anymore but please keep writing and I will keep reading🙏♥️
I'm going to be honest anon it took me awhile to get to this question because I didn't know how to properly convey my appreciation and gratitude for your incredibly kind words, as well as my feelings around your thoughts.
I love these characters so much and writing about them has made me really happy. I also feel the disappointment of how little content there seems to be this time around and I hope that changes eventually (for both of us!)
That said, a lot of what I loved about the Agent M x Detective relationship was the resistence of M to fully admit their feelings and the Detective toeing the line between giving in and protecting their heart. This recent Book release seems to taken some of the tension out of that relationship, which is lovely for M-shippers, but not that interesting for fanfic writers. When the fanfic has already been written in canon (properly or not is another debate)… what's left??
Sorry for the bit of rambling I've just done, but those are my feelings on the topic, and regardless it doesn't change how happy your words made me and how much I appreciate you taking the time to send them. ❤️
#this sort of veered off#from the original intent#bit of a segue into my feelings re book 3#i think it sums up why there hasn't been a ton of m content#plus the fact that the fandom is much smaller to begin with anyway#and people have seemed to have just moved on#which is fine and valid#but it means there's not a big reason or incentive to produce#and whatever incentive there may have been#has been curbed by book 3 itself#that gave us everything we “wanted” or predicted would happen through fanwork#but has now left us feeling sort of...#hollow? empty?#anyway i'm clearly in my feels#and missing the way things were a bit#so those are my rambles#and yeah#thank you anyway anon ❤️#your words mean more than you know!!#asks#ask me anything#anon asks#twc thoughts#the wayhaven chronicles#twc#twc book 3
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ninjago seabound hurts. so much. what the fuck
#ninjago seabound#i think this might be the thing to get me drawing again#we shall see#also im very close to crying haha#she turned. into the sea. to save him#and like. the city and all their friends too but he was quite literally dying and the only answer was for her to become one with the sea an#and she#and he sees her after having the water taken out of his lungs. he sees her out the window and she sees him and they put their hands on#either side of the glass. and he doesn't yet know what she did. what it would cost#in the fight later. he sees her explode and takes on kalmaar with blind fury#and then she's back- as a dragon now- and she explodes again and comes back as a bigger dragon and#how can he think anything but good things? he knows what she did now but she's so strong. so invincible. ofc she'll overcome the odds#she'll keep herself together! she will. he has to believe that#and then she wins. and its all over. and everyone's saying they'll just have to get used to her watery body for now#until they find a way to turn her back.#she doesn't understand. she doesn't remember who she used to be. is actively losing the battle to retain her self#and they plead. all of her friends. her master. her Brother.#and him. Jay. her boyfriend.#and there's a moment. a single brief moment where she turns back.#she smiles and holds jay's hands. she caresses his cheek.#and just as quick as she came#she left. jay screaming her name as she dives back into the sea#and then the funeral. because what else do you call it but a funeral.#they call all of her friends and family. they pour seawater in an urn. they hold a service of sorts.#and i'd like to imagine each person feels responsible in some way. for not doing more. for not being as convincing to her.#some feel it more than others. Wu is- was her master. Kai her brother.#and Jay. Jay was her-#out of all of them Jay beat himself up the most. because what good is love if you can't convince them to stay?#woah sorry about that i was possessed by angst#also i feel like you could tie in Jay's abandonment issues with his birth parents here if that wasn't clear <3
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you ever just. become overwhelmed by a sudden out-of-nowhere wave of tenderness and affection and longing for reconnection directed towards someone to whom you no longer speak for Very Good Reasons
#‘out of nowhere’ she says like she hasn’t been doing a lot of reading/thinking recently about various tragic messy breakups#and the later regrets of the parties involved#anyway. tell me not to text her#it’s been over two years since the last time we talked… absolutely no reason to break that streak now. lord give me strength#she was really fucking mean to me! like objectively intentionally unwarrantedly cruel! it ruined an entire year of my life#and fundamentally changed me as a person on a deep level! there’s a lot of things i used to like about myself that i don’t think i’m ever#going to get back#and yet every once in a while we have to do the whole ‘maybe i could make things right’ song and dance 😔#the thing is most of the time i’m not even really angry with her anymore like enough time has passed since all the shit went down that#really i just sort of look at her behavior and feel sad. both because of the impact on me but also because of the ‘that’s really how you#felt you needed to act towards someone who cared about you? you couldn’t have just expressed your feelings in an honest and productive way#instead of just lashing out in the cruelest possible way and ruining the entire relationship beyond hope of repair?’#and i feel bad and sorry that it went that way and honestly i kind of pity her and hope she’s gotten some of her shit worked out#so i’m not like. actively pissed off at her anymore. but also i can’t think about her without thinking about the worst year of my life so 🙃#i don’t actually feel that trying to reopen that door would be very healthy for me at least#we did try a Reconciliation of sorts a couple of months after the initial falling-out and while it was kind of helpful for me in that she#like. apologized lmao. and affirmed that i wasn’t crazy and she did in fact On Purpose say the most hurtful things she possibly could have#said to me given the information she had at her disposal. and that i really had not done anything to her that could warrant that. etc.#it also left a sour enough taste in my mouth that i just don’t see a future where the two of us spending time together is enjoyable for me#and yet… the regret will always live inside me i think. maybe if i were a stronger person…#caseyposting
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re: "good girl" i think they say it once randomly as a joke and its just one of those things that gets him wayyy more than they expected it would. so now its their secret weapon and they use it very sparingly and every single time he gets super embarrassed about it but it works ill tell you what.
#HES MY PRINCESS IDEK.#i dont think it happens naturally all that much because theyre usually in the business of calling each other names and being mean#so i think this would just be a random night where theyre on top and just think it would be really funny. to yank on his leash and call him#a good girl after bullying him into doing something. and well i just think it would get him is all i dont knowwwwwwwwwwwwww#i havr a lot of thoughts on the matter but i will stop for now#but the tldr is that with each other they tend to switch frequently and are always fighting#so i think itd take someone else being in the picture for hog to even realize how much he likes being a good boy :3#and i also dont think fish would be good at straightforward domming in the way he would want and they both know that#so its something he keeps between him and rat mostly. please dont ask me questions abt jrs sex life i have too many opinions on it#anyways. i think even tho fish knows theyd be bad at that they still feel left out so sometimes they go watch. they dont get anything out of#doing that theyre just sort of taking mental notes#all of this circles back to i think fish has always been the more sexually experienced of the two. and romantically.#i dont rlly think hog is a guy who dates i dont think hes ever been that and i dont think he made much time for hookups#(i think its cute if hes a virgin when they meet but 🤷 im not solid on it)#but i think for him hes just only ever fucked this one person and they do a LOT of stuff and it gets the job done so hes just never really#tried anything else. but. and again i have too many opinions on this but i think rat wouldnt be into their usual shteeze#i think hes a bit of a freak in his own way but the blood and weird anger issues is just not doing it for him most of the time#but i do think if given the opportunity he would LOVE to be The Boss for a little bit so i think he and hog can explore that together and it#will work out beautifully for them. this is great because i am not into strict d/s dynamics like that but i know in my heart that hoggy#would be. and i cant do that for him#again i think fish would be butthurt about this. mostly in a 'why didnt u tell me so we could try this :(' and he would go#'because you would suck at it and wouldnt like it' and they go oh. right. well im still mad#ANYWAYS. circling back. i think the good girl thing would be something fish knows that rat doesnt. and idk if theyd tell him or not#because i do think if they tell him he is using that for evil hog is going to be a good girl forever and ever. rat doesnt have the patience#to space it out the way fish does. which idk maybe thatd be good for hog he could work through some stuff...#but on the other hand i think its fun if they DONT tell him and just bust it out sometime when all 3 of them are doing the deed. or whatever#because again they mostly like how embarrassed he gets about it and i think he would be reallyyyy flustered by it#^ this is essentially part of my fantasy about spitroasting my beautiful wife until he cries just so everyone knows#idk i just think when he lets go of himself hed be a very cute and kind of needy subby bottom and i think hed be really easy to fluster#about it and i want it so bad
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I've finally finished my first boss for my demon hunting game Judgement Nights! A guard dog for a much stronger demon, Grub keeps their secret safe and hidden from all mortal or demonic eyes
#I hope the notes help to understand what I was trying to go for hehe#Judgement Nights as a system hasn't really been tested by players yet. Just me.#I haven't played enough ttrpgs to know if something like this has been done before or not but something like it probably does lmao#think original fallouts if all of your allies shared one turn instead of being sorted into a turn order. If it was all just your guy's turn#And you had to balance using your AP wisely because whatevers left over you can use to counter the opponents turn!!#I hope that makes some sense I've been writing for a minute now and am kinda tired I'll probably go more in depth in another post#this post was supposed to be abt Grub but now its abt the combat as a whole woopsie :3#Grub needs just a bit more polish but I'm really happy I've gotten this far. Used to kinda be a far out idea but now that a Demons characte#sheet is right in front of me it feels almost surreal#First time designing a Tabletop game from the ground up and not basing it off an existing ip/ converting a video game into a tabletop#(even though its still very video game inspired taking a good bit from Devil May Cry)#indie ttrpg#Judgement Nights#ttrpg
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Can someone explain what the narrative stakes are even supposed to be anymore in jjk. All the characters are essentially guaranteed to die, the current cast is comprised almost entirely of characters who showed up 2/3rds into the story and we're supposed to care about them for some reason, and I do not even know what the threat is supposed to be anymore. The apocalypse? Destruction of an amorphous innocent society? Like has ANYTHING been shown of "here's the regular world that apparently needs to be saved" or are we just supposed to assume "this society is just Real Life+, so you're REQUIRED to care if some guy threatens to kill all humanity, because one of those humanities may be... a child" or something. Can you spare two seconds to show anything other than some magic randos fighting, or is it just a superhero story all the time now, minus the fun. Remember when yuuji had friends.
#jujutsu kaisen#jjk crit#sorry for like being salty in what will prob be the main tag#I simply do not vibe at ALL with the direction this series has gone in and would love someone to complain about it with ahfkaj#I'd write an entire meta on the narrative flaws but I do not feel like it#seriously though it's chill if people like the story and I'm not trying to cause shit by tagging it#well I'm sort of trying to cause shit#but that shit is 'blease will someone complain with me because I love complaining'#I just don't get it#like oh wow you killed characters off and established stakes! that sets a tone and shows that this is a serious conflict!#oh nvm you've killed everyone just to be gratuitous about it and prove how tooootally realistic your story is#and now there's no reason to care bc why get invested when there's an 80% chance the characters will all die#like. you're just alienating people from caring about the story you're trying to make them care about#idek what kenjaku is supposed to be up to anymore#for all I care he could explode the world and I'd be like whatever there was probably no one interesting left anyway#everything that happens anymore in jjk feels like someone said 'but what if all the nonsense in DBZ... was edgy'#and then thought they did something interesting#wooooahhhh someone did a fight for 70 chapters! so innovative and unique!#someone transformed! what a twist!!#woooahhh you did a nonsense rug-pull and are now lying to us acting like it was intended the whole time! sacre bleu!!!#anyway see my previous complainy post to see why gojos plot specifically is harmful bullshit#but it's a shoooooneeennnnnn#it doesn't neeeeeeeed to be written well or responsibly amiright?!#it just needs to make straight guys on twitter think they're unique for saying 'the real issue with jjk is that some women like it '#ok I'm done complaining. FOR NOW.#I'm sure I'll think of something else to complain about in two seconds.#fluffle talks
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had quite the night drive earlier this evening.
#just me rambling again#web weaving#(?)#uh. one of my friends who is out of town for college was visiting and i got to see him and our friends and the only core member of that#group of people missing was my ex girlfriend who you may also know of as my wonderful wife#who has I assume been very busy with their own life things but has also barely and very sparsely had any hint of communication with any of#us within the past few months which I've been realizing very recently sort of hurts my feelings because we used to be so close and#they had been saying that they would be constantly making sure we still were in each other's lives. but then very quickly have#seemingly dropped off the face of the earth#anyways. I was driving aforementioned friend who is in town back home (family home not college obv) and when i was finally going back#towards my house afterwards my Google maps finally lead me to an area that i was more familiar with driving and i got to an#intersection and it was telling me to take a right to go home but i knew that i knew the way perfectly from that intersection to my#ex girlfriend / best friend / wifes familys house from all of the times I've gone that direction through the past years and so#i turned off my directions and i took a left towards their house#not super sure why but my brain and body just knew it was something i needed to do and so i went and drove down their street and cried#a lot the whole time and then drove myself home from their house once again following a super familiar path#and idk im still feeling very emotional about it. the fact that halloween by noah kahan was the first song to play on Spotify#after i made that left turn im sure didnt help (knowing that i miss them so much and am going to be leaving this area myself#soon enough here and there's been an open offer for a while now that they are welcome to follow and live with me once they get their degree#(and also um. halloween is next week lol)#idk i just havent felt the full force of how badly i miss having them in my life until tonight. when i was around this person i could feel#our souls singing in harmony. i genuinely cannot describe the feelings of our relationship in words i feel like only vaguely abstract art#could communicate the connection that was forged between us and the level of understanding and knowing#something not dissimilar to looking into the sun directly or trying to describe a vivid color to someone who is completely blind#something about the way the entire universe breathes in unison and everything around us are all pieces of the same stars#sigh#i miss my wife tails i miss her a lot /ref
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Thinking about it again. I was right. No one else cares but I was right. Everyone who was wrong owes me 20 bucks and a coffee.
#shut it ya damn bird#yes I’m still mad about the phone guy stuff.#’oh he’s a corporate shill and doesn’t care about the player’ he LITERALLY USES HIS LAST MOMENTS TO TRY TO SAVE YOU IN A WAY THAT FAZ ENT#WONT CENSOR!!!#‘he’s a higher up at the company’ no he ISNT!! HE TELLS YOU THAT HE IS JUST A SECURITY GUARD WHEN HE DIES!!#he is the only one who cares about his stupid dying pizzeria and he pays the price for caring at all.#I feel a sort of connection with him over that with the topic of his character.#everyone else has left. it’s only me here now with the ghosts of what once was. but I will do my best to keep it neat and clean.#I know there are other people who like his character… but I don’t think they do it like me#my favorite interpretation of him lives only in my memory because the person I wrote him with has moved on.#I may as well be the ghost here. I can’t. let go.#… this got sad I’m sorry
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louis really is the unreliable narrator ever truly like he recalls his birthdate a year off, it was winter when his brother died but also it should've been near autumn and by the time his sister was getting married? he leaves out certain details deliberately, whether consciously— did you eat the baby?, or unconsciously— except you made sure lestat wouldn't really die didn't you? he recalls certain things a lot differently sometimes because he refuses to think about them plainly and sometimes because he really can't remember, he's guilty over how claudia came to be, well, claudia but throws almost all the fault on lestat by not acknowledging his better half in turning her, he corners a teenage journalist drugged out of his mind and fucking bitches all the way to hell about lestat only to wax poetics about the man again to the same guy decades later, and so he's a little brain fogged and a lot biased and you can't take any of what he says to scripture, only to find out that!!! his companion!!!! of 77 years!!!! was also!!!! not only Entirely Lying to him on accounts of Huge events of Much significance in his life but also has been abusing his ability to erase whole memories from his head to the point he can't remember fucking attempting suicide and alters memories so terribly too not just with physic powers but also through a lot of manipulation tactics (you Asked me to erase it!) so really the season finale leaves you wondering what better part of paris was all entirely wrong, what of armand and louis' relationship was just entirely fiction or just completely skewed? turned on his head? the man already lost so much to age and the odyssey of recollection now we learn his brain fog is also largely attributed to a whole other person fucking around with it, someone who we know used it A Lot by that point too and probably got careless after the fucking... seventieth decade doing this that louis suddenly noticed his photos being swapped out... armand has gotten so careless and used to power he said shit like well... maybe You put those photos there....well You asked me to erase it.... and louis fucking believed him too!! what of any of it is real, and he must be wondering too after all of it, he wanted this, to remember, he's been wracking his head for details about whether or not claudia was dreaming next to him that night a million years ago and her killer is right there at the table next to him. when he's crying recounting the death of his daughter to the guy who orchestrated it what has he ever really known at all.
#and okay vv important tags bc something i noticed too is that when armand starts yk joining the interview and they both start doing this#thing where they complete each others sentences#& remember the same thing & start recounting using the exact same language#like the i will not harm you bit#did that actually happen? did louis look worried of that? did armand want that to be how they met? some sort of twisted sick fantasy of#what he wishes had happened between them? what he couldn't have eith lestat left him feeling rejected and we know armand has a thing about#being used & discarded so maybe he also wanted to have his own spin on the way things went with louis?#idk but the scenes where they say the same thing are so so akin to the whole#daniel bright young reporter with a point of view bit like we already know he feeds people certain lines when he alters the memory so#them continuing each other's sentences now feels so... unnatural and forced it begs the question that these were all fed lines & rehearsed#lies he wanted to take charge of that interview to say even#iwtv#louis#armand
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I feel like 6 years ago when I was first exploring radblr, a popular counter to the popular TRA argument that "people treat you based on appearances, so chromosomes are irrelevant to topics of gender discrimination or gender identity because nobody can see them without special equipment" -> was ->"chromosomes can't be seen, but the gamete they code for significantly impacts your phenotypic & cultural development. Whether or not you're capable of producing functional gamete cells, your body develops uniquely from conception to based on the gamete your chromosomes code for. This development creates obvious sexual dimorphism and as long as we live in a culture that is obsessed bioessentialism and gender stereotypes, your lifelong sex will never be made irrelevant by chemical or surgical alterations to your body."
This argument made much more sense to me than the idea that chromosomes trumped your physical appearance and observable sex (which, regardless of how rare it is, Sometimes observable sex does not match up with chromosomes). It grounded discussions of sex-based issues into the physical reality of being a specific biological sex in a way that "this only happens to xx people" really doesn't.
Six years later, seeing that the popular opinion is "actually, producing ovum or sperm and receiving special treatment based on either is less important than your chromosomes because your chromosomes effect more about you than that" (which tbf, they technically do) just reinforces my feelings lately that I don't think the same way radblr does because I straight up don't believe chromosomes affect a woman's life more than her vagina does
#definitely im a lot different from who i was at 14 lmfao but ive also sort of based my career + many of my beliefs#off stuff i picked up from radblr and now i dont feel like this is my place or that these are my people#like i feel overall positive about how radblr has changed me and made me think differently#so its weird to me that i rarely share the same perspective as anybody on here#tbf. most of the blogs i used to like have left so that probably has something to do with it
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My sister’s graduation day 😤 let’s go 👏🏽
#gosh it’s gonna be a long day and I’m running on two hours of sleep again#i only get the chance to work at night because I don’t have ✨privacy✨#and I’ve been going to bed late and waking up even more tired than usual and my mom’s been scolding me for it#and now I’ve had to tell her what I’m doing and I feel like I just gave another piece of me away again#everything I am everything I do has to be for other people#im so tired when will I give my last piece away 🥹#this was to make ME proud of ME I was doing it for myself and now I feel like it’s for her#and then she’s going to tell my dad and now it’s for him too#also I can’t even cry about it because she HAS to know why I’m upset#she keeps glancing up at me and talking to me in bits#all I have left is my emotions 🥹#anyhow sorry to start the day off so gloomy and depressing I have literally nothing to be sad about I’m very privileged#sorry you guys see me being a baby constantly 🥺 I really do have a good life and shouldn’t be complaining#here’s to a better day for us all#melifails#now i feel like a jerk subjecting you all to this😭 sorry sorry let’s move on#im gonna be a busy bee hopefully I can squeeze in a time for a nap#😭 I don’t waaaaaannnnnaaa sit for hours in the California heat MAYBE with the sun hitting us in the face#our football field is NOT kind in this way#hopefully my sister gets the shady side but even then the sun will hit us in the face eventually just not as long#im !!! excited!!!! I bought ice cream for today 👏🏽 I originally bought choco chip and minto moose tracks?? my sister loves mint flavor#so I bought mint Oreos too so she can eat them with her ice cream 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽#i assume we’re getting take out of some sort so that; ice cream; and uuuuuuu I don’t remember anything else I bought; my best friend did#bring us snacks yesterday!!! pretzels and cookies!!! so that!!!#okay brain no work no more I gotta get dressed love you muah muah muah
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You could post cute pics and get validation from strangers on the internet while you wait.
Fr tho I hope you're doing okay ❤️
What do you think I’ve been doing 😂😘
#haven’t posted in literal ages#and then I post multiple things in the past day or two l o l#your girl wants attention and validation all the damn time!!!#was trying to reblog old content but yall have seen that too much and don’t have the same reaction#I want your mouth to drop and you can’t help but drool from looking at me#that’s my goal 😇#but seriously I’ve been looking at a lot of my rosie content and deciding what’s good enough to post#looking for someone to go through all my content and tell me what are the true gems#so I can post those#it’s actually insane how much content I have#and most of it has never been seen before lol#have this school girl post I’m working on 😇#just working on the cute tags hehe#if you guys are ever bored and looking for something to do#give me attention#and praise#and worship me#pretty please 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺#on a real note I should be fine? I hope.#every day is different… today I’m doing my ehhh alright?#but I can’t complain cause some days I feel like death#I’m also lucky I have weed to use as my crutch#I’m just in between jobs right now cause I was trying to get into this dumb program#but now that I’m on a waitlist I’m gonna have to find some sort of income#I saved up some from my last job but that is slowly dwindling away#maybe I’ll do some sort of driving/delivery job#I’m just so sick of working when I know it doesn’t make a difference#I’m going to be poor and broke the rest of my life so who cares#welp getting sad and don’t wanna do thaaaaaat….. also running out of space lol. so gonna smoke the little weed I have left and ignore ignore#ask
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It's a little funny. I spend so much time compartmentalizing that I convince myself I'm totally fine, of course, all the time.
But when I was filling out the questionnaire before my therapy appointment yesterday, it was like
.... OK yea maybe I have some problems
Also this one 😂😂😂
#speculation nation#it's ok i am now in therapy and we have weekly appointments set up#i havent always had the best experiences with therapy. and by that i mean it has never really been helpful to me#mostly tho bc it's been depression therapists. and i dont actually have depression.#what i DO have is trauma! and barely managed adhd and fibromyalgia.#and especially grief trauma in the past 5 years. oh God do i have grief trauma.#but i searched Specifically for a grief therapist with this. so she should be equipped to properly help me.#ive managed to reach an okay place regarding my old traumas. but this stuff. man it's hard.#i pushed myself to a near panic attack the other day upon realizing the painting i have is an authentic lithograph#& the realization that i am carrying the mantle of several generations of my family now.#most of the generations above me are now dead. so it's up to us to carry on their memories#and i am The One who is unapologetically incredibly tacky. up to me to carry that legacy.#it's pressure. weight that i didnt want. but i dont want to ignore it bc i dont want them to be forgotten.#so im hoping that with therapy. she can help me sort things out so it's less... difficult.#help me remember them without being paralyzed with panic and dread.#and maybe help me with my death paranoia...? 😅 i dont like feeling like anyone in my life could die at any time.#inevitable after my uncle died with only a month's warning and my dad died with barely more than a day's warning.#idk. for someone whose will to live comes from the people i love. it's rather paralyzing.#just gotta cling to the people i have left. and hold them dear.#negative/#kinda but not really. tagging just in case considering the subject matter.#idk im just trying to sort things out. no one goes through this many sudden deaths without a severe complex over it.#but. im in therapy now. and im trying. i am.
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went to my first con in 4 years on Friday to meet Kaiji Tang and got a Dazai autograph + video recording of him reading to me. He was the sweetest person (as I knew he would be) and interacting with him was lovely, but also at the same time oh boy it sure was an extremely stressful, ugly wake-up call of what it feels like to live in a world now where everyone around you has blissfully moved on from covid and can enjoy things normally and happily, while you'll forever be trapped in a hellscape of perpetual fear 🫠🫠🫠
#like. to be clear this was the first time i've been literally anywhere but doctor's appointments in 4 years#not just because of the pandemic but because of mental and physical exhaustion#so it was a Big Mistake to go from 0 to 100 and not ease myself into it at all#but at the same time........ it was a fucking hellscape of people. i don't think any kind of buildup could have prepared me for it at all.#it was so much less crowded in 2020 (ironically the very last place i ever went; literally on the BRINK of covid)#and now idk what it's become. a monster con. it was unbelievable.#but i was only there for less than an hour but i was so so so terrified that i very nearly left before even seeing him#i couldn't even fully enjoy meeting him as kind as he was because i was so anxious and distracted#and when i got back to the car i just fucking cried.........#the last five days i've just been sitting in fear waiting to feel Any sort of symptoms#i wore two masks and again was barely there for long but Still#and everyone around me was so chill as if everything was normal and No One was wearing a mask :))))) it's not fucking fair man :)))))#insert the 'they don't know' meme; they don't know how much covid can destroy your body even if you get a 'mild' case#i would never want to be that ignorant even if i wasn't disabled and didn't have reason to worry (but everyone has reason to worry!!!)#but also. ignorance is bliss and it just really fucking sucks man.#it really fucking sucks. why do they get to be happy and enjoying life and not /me?/#why can't i do just ONE thing for myself without having it tainted by anxiety and fear that i'm going to die horribly???#while they get to do fucking EVERYTHING???#if they all just wore masks we could all enjoy ourselves much more comfortably than some of us are now#but no that's too much to ask from people 🙃🙃🙃#shit sucks man. the world sucks. something that should be a happy memory for me was simultaneously the most awful experience#and i don't know how to feel about it now that it's over#he knew that i was afraid and at the end he told me that he hoped to see me again at another event someday#and that made me cry because it felt like dazai telling me to live. and i want to. but i don't know how to when the world is like this now.#i desperately want to be able to see him again someday but right now after how terrifying that was i never want to go to a con ever again..#i wanted to ask him things about the manga and about dazai but i was being rushed and stressed so i couldn't ugh#(and doing that is hard enough anyway cause disability and i have to talk with my phone bahhhh)#at least i was able to give him my note *sigh*
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Cannot sleep :/
#just pav things#lying awake here with Inigo meta thoughts#specifically the nuances of why he never intervened when Archie and Dism were fighting#He is torn between these two ideas of reality— whether Archie is dead or alive. That is true.#But eventually the latter idea takes more of a foothold; which is just a recipe for mental disarray#It’s a break from the comfortable cycle of self-hatred and destruction. So this new thought has to be counteracted to maintain inertia#So as I understand it he’s now caught on those lingering feelings of abandonment that Archie has left him with. and he is Not Happy.#Because just as he interpreted himself as being a replacement for Dism#He’s interpreting Archie and his little motley crew as a further refusal to move on from the past#And because Inigo acts on impulse (as seen best with the 💥 arm getting blown off) he’s using that momentary anger#to distract himself from the core issue as he lashes out ✨#He’s kind of a hypocrite that one. Stresses the importance of embracing unpleasant memories as a fundamental part of your character#(To the point of berating Idyllia for going the total memory wipe route instead)#but he is ALSO an escapist at heart. Neither of them want their definition of pain so they both have terrible routines to try avoiding it ✌#I’m sorry if this made no sense Dolphin I will probably do a retake with more braincells in the next few days#You know I’ve been analysing the design of this kindergarten in sydney for VCD#It’s called Nubo. Now I’ve always had a fondness for Scandinavian aesthetics but this is PEAK#So I went down a research rabbit hole and I came out of it with a clear concept for what Amonea Montessori School should feel like!#It’s this sort of cross-concept between stereotypical Australian architecture and hygge#Those oak panels and muted colours and glass everywhere#And I can carry through to an overall unique visual identity for Amonea#After all Byrgir should feel similarly detached from Earth in it’s own subtle ways#Tapping more into solarpunk and that overall comforting feeling for Amonea in particular~#I’m so happy :D
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Thinking abt my dupe ocs again... Maybe Quinn does have hashtag issues actually
#rat rambles#oni posting#oc posting#theyre very well known and liked amongst all the colonies as y'know. they helped found all of them.#and theyve always been very friendly and kind and they have always taken their responsibilities incredibly seriously#and when they get time to be on a planet they relish it as they have a great deal of appreciation for the beauty of these worlds#but one thing that has always been a thing for them is that they've never rly had like. friends amongst these colonies#partially because of them having to travel constantly but even when they get time to hang out more theyve sort of unconsciously trained#themself to be a bit emotionaly detached from those around them#it also doesnt help that theyre a digger and usually one of like 2 or 3 on any given planetoid#which earlier on meant thar they rarely encountered other dupes and late on left then with little to do as most of the ongoing work was#already being managed by others specifically trained for the role#so the isolation started to get to them and they started to get rly antsy and didn't know why or how to fix it#when the printing pod went offline they were one of the ones more calm abt the matter due to them being generally more used to the unknown#and this combined with their general good reputation lead to a lot of dupes looking to them for direction and answers alongside burt#this actually made quinn feel rly good for a while since it was their excuse to actually talk to ppl regularly and in more personal ways#theyd hear out ppls anxieties and ideas and newest passions and goals and theyd actually feel like theyre hearing the words said#they liked the feeling of everyone wanting to be around them and seeking them out even on other planetoids#they'd get phone calls and people taking breaks from their work to come say hi and it made them feel real#but as time went on and their fellow dupes became more and more self reliant they began to seek them out less and less#because why bother someone so important and busy when you dont need to right?#and this lead to quinn going wait no why did you all leave me again :(#it felt like before but worse because now they actually had started considering a lot of these guys friends#and they still had no idea how to reach out themself without a work reason and as such they sorta started dissolving again#and its during this time when they start missing the pod and start to get more upset that shes gone#they end up returning to the original partially to be closer to her and partially because it feels the most like home to them#there they start to slowly learn to reach out themself as they sort of sit in a corner watching burt work while shaking like a small dog#this at first is very unwanted by burt who is stressed as hell but they end up forcing him to stick to an actual shift instead of just#working until he passes out and this allows them to hang out while they force him to have downtime with them to keep him from exploding#it becomes a nice comfort time for them both as they rly havent hung out much since the first like 100 cycles or so
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