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spectrum-core · 10 hours ago

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Fuck

Well, I saw this coming from miles away becaude of course the gacha game will throw any semblance of artistic integrity through the window if they can make cheap fanservice, hence why I made the og post in advance, I didn't want to elaborate more on it when it happened because whatever, people were already dicks about me making the initial post anyway lol

But a guy began bugging me about how the comparison made sense, actually, and I felt the need to elaborate with a final point about why I feel the comparison absolutely misses the point of what full stop is and represents and everything that made them special to me.

Ok, so this guy has been analyzing limbus ids for a while and trying to figure out common themes among them, his conclusion for sinclair ids was, simply put, these are people who are either extremely good at what they do but cant fully see it or arent proud of it (blade lineage, cinq), or people who are slow and trailing behind compared to their peers while also having the potential to be absurdly good at their line of work if they were given the proper support (molar office).

According to him, stephan would be the second case, a guy who is very bad at what he does but could be amazing at it with the proper motivation. The issue is that… if you look at stephan and i mean you really look at him instead of forcing him in a haha funny meme fandom archetype or mold him into whatever can fit the power fantasy of the month that'd be a limbus character, he's really not that.

That's not to say stephan lacks any talent at all, his pessimist and cautious personality makes me imagine he is probably a great planner, coming up with escape plans or alternatives if the team gets cornered or overwhelmed in any non color-fixer-chasing-them-with-killing-intent situation, his physical strength is also there, and i think he'd be at least half decent at unarmed one on one combat because of it, and i feel he appreciates this and the people around him do as well, he has talents and they are in plain sight, and he makes full use of them when the situation requires him to.

But the thing is… everything from his dice ranges to his card names to his passive name are very clear in one thing: he's fucking terrible at aiming and firing a gun, the very thing he's supposed to do and excel at if he doesn't want to lose money. Maybe he's nearsighted, maybe he has astigmatism, maybe he pulls the trigger too fast before being sure he's even aiming at a target, maybe his anxiety is so bad he's shaking and sweating constantly and his fine motor skills are shit because of that, maybe even all of these at the same time.

And it's not just stephan who has this going on either, liwei's keypage wouldn't be talking about "this is what people normally think and what i know i'm supposed to want but i simply can't see the point of all of it" (<- this is autism coding if you're delusional like me but i digress) if he was a "proper fixer", tamaki wouldn't be losing her cool regularly every time stephan begins to complain if she was a "proper fixer", everyone here is notoriously bad at their job one way or another due to things that are quite directly part of who they are so there's no "actually stephan would be a shi section 1 fixer if he wore glasses" or "liwei could become a color if he got rid of his gun and started fighting with a sword instead" for any of them, not without them losing who they are in the way as opposed to the character growth that represents sinclair.

For me these are average people, with average talents which can only take them so far, in a world where most people in their line of work has superhuman skills, and to make matters worse they're focusing their strengths in the wrong things, these aren't the people who will wake up one day and awaken whatever specialest boy ever superpower project moon comes up with next time and become the strongest people who ever lived in the city. Even if they decided to drop everything suddenly and start with something else, there's absolutely nothing they'd excel at.

And that's precisely the thing, they won't just drop everything and suddenly do something they are better at, because the sunk cost fallacy is a fucking bitch when you're risking bankrupcy with every job you take, and that's why the full stop office is to me, the tragedy of people who invested too much and worked for too long in the wrong thing and now they don't have the resources, time or evergy to reinvent themselves anymore even if it'd be better for them in the long run.

I wanted to write a cool conclusion or something but i dont have the energy so just take this instead

STEPHCLAIR IS BAD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD

Alternative title: a very angry (and tired) Full Stop fan's thesis.

ok, so me being the stephan/sinclair comparison's strongest hater is a bit i really like to lean into, but for the sake of keeping things semi-serious i will try to keep the actual essay content as free of me ranting my frustrations as humanly possible (which i mean commitement to the bit aside this will be hard bc it is frustrating to see people calling them both the same character, at best it shows a very surface level understanding of either character and at worst it shows just reducing them to cookie cutter meme fandom archetypes neither character actually fits into, so bear with me if i slip up and make unserious comments from time to time)

so before i start the actual essay let me say this: this essay doesnt even scratch the surface of how much i hate this comparison you guys cant even possibly fucking imagine ive been obssessed and i mean OBSSESSED with the full stop office since 2021 and im glad i wasnt in the limbus prerelease fanbase because if i had to see people comparing my beautiful boy and beloved best friend to a guy we had no info about other than "hes based of the guy from demian" i would have turned into the joker this is not even about saving my own mental health this is about sparing the entire pjm fandom of the monster i would have turned into

spoilers for ruina and limbus, universe terminology heavy and surface level references and interpretations of demian by herman hesse because imma keep it real with you guys the first and only time i read that book i was still in high school and i barely remember shit.

Table of contents:

Stephan - a summary

Sinclair - a summary 2.1. Emil Sinclair in Demian (1919) 2.2. Emil Sinclair in Limbus Company (2023)

Addressing common arguments

1.- Stephan - a summary

And of course I will start with Stephan, because I love him very much, just like Liwei he's one of my favorite pjm characters (yeah i like him more than your favorite popular character don't ask) so it's not surprising that i have A Lot to say about him, right?

And of course, I do.

As I said in the serrated duo post, a core part of my perception of the Full Stop office depends on the fact that they are poor. Mentions of money are common all across many factions in the game, yes, but the Full Stops are extremely constant about money, how taking a wrong turn means losing more than they can afford, how they can't afford to drop their weapons because they were too expensive, how even getting the permissions to be able to buy and wield these weapons was ridiculously expensive and so on. Of course, Stephan is the one talking about this the most (something I will elaborate on later), but Liwei and Tamaki also make a few ocassional mentions to it in their dialogue and keypages and considering this is a shared business it just makes sense that this is something that affects all of them.

These are just some few of the callbacks to money that Stephan alone does in his dialogue, without focusing in keypage text or what Liwei and Tamaki have to say about it.

And idk man, at least to me the difference between social classes is an important aspect for their characterization, specially because of how constant the concern with money is for Stephan. From this point alone comparing them feels like erasing a core aspect of Stephan's characterization, a lot about Stephan (and the Full Stop office as a whole, let's be real here) starts making more sense once you read the office as lower-middle class (and I'm saying lower middle class because they can afford some place to live and their weapons, but to me these guys are the types who precisely because of their need to keep bullets at all times can't pay for water or electricity all the time and sometimes they simply can't afford food or if they do they can spend a week straight eating nothing but unsalted pasta).

Now, going back to Stephan being the most outward about his complaints with money, he is in general the most outward about all problems the office is facing, to the point in which he doesn't mind inconveniencing everyone else with his rants, being one of the few guests who interrupt Angela's introductory speech and getting into Tamaki's nerves (something he's well aware he's doing, as these two know each other) at least two times through the course of their pre-battle cutscene, even Roland comments after the reception on how he wishes he would always have been as open about his problems as Stephan was.

However, it's worth nothing that he doesn't spend the entire cutscene crying about his miseries, and he only starts losing hope at three key moments: when they can't kill Eileen inmediately (making them waste more bullets than needed), when Argalia shows up (forcing them to retreat and making them fail their mission, meaning they won't get paid for this after they already lost a ton of money, as well as turning the situation into something much more dangerous than what they had signed up for) and once they enter the Library (an Urban Plague grade threat they have little to no information about, when him and Tamaki are almost out of bullets so Liwei is essentially the only fixer with some chance of putting up a fight and, you know, making it out alive).

Now, while it's true that Stephan is someone who dislikes danger, he isn't someone who isn't used to seeing gruesome events, his instinctive reaction to seeing a guy getting his head put into a meat grinder was cracking jokes and calling the concept of thought gears "a load of horseshit", which is something that falls in line with him being a somewhat experienced Fixer (sure, grade 5 isn't amazing but we can assume it's still either in the higher side of average or barely above average, and for someone specialized in firearms, which are far from the best weapon in the city, getting that high means he must have some experience and skill, right? more so considering he's been at this for 5 years at most) who has seen a fair share of horrid shit and can be unfazed by (most of) it as long as his own safety isn't on the line.

Another point is... he dislikes danger and is always wary about money and expenses, to the point in which he enjoys checking his bank account (or at least he believes so, if we go for the theory of the artbook profiles being more a mix of what the characters perceive themseves as/would describe themselves as to others, which is a theory i go by, I see him as someone who's convinced he does that for fun instead as out of desperation), but this seems to be more a generalized feeling of impending doom at everything rather than something that can be traced back to a particular traumatic event (anything can be dangerous, anything can cost him money), dude's from the backstreets after all, he's seen shit and he's used to assuming the worst. How I see Stephan, he's a guy who already expects bad things to happen but once things go wrong he starts freaking out about how this time They're Screwed For Real, but he never really tricks himself into believing "maybe things will turn out just fine this time?" or who thinks "well, we've done this before, surely we can handle it again."

This is not very related to Stephan as a character in terms of personality but I think it's still an important point to make as it is particularly related to body mods, his physical condition and his body shape.

So we can easily say that Stephan is a strong dude, at least if compared to real world standards without the fancy and insane body mods we see people in the city have access to. He carries that huge rifle around with his bare hands, something that Tamaki doesn't do and that not even Stephan himself in earlier iterations of his dessign did, and his main talent (which based of my theories is something that can be assumed as "something he's proud enough of to consider it the thing he does best") is physical labor.

Pictured, Tamaki's talksprite, carrying a rifle almost as long as she is tall with a strap supporting the weight on her shoulders, like a normal person.

Also pictured, an earlier iteration of Stephan's dessign, carrying the same rifle his current version does, but also holding it with the help of a similar strap supporting the weight on his shoulders.

And finally, Stephan's current dessign, holding that shit with his bare fucking hands in an exhibition of his brute animal strength, what the fuck is wrong with this man (affectionate)

And Stephan's artbook profile, the important part here is his speciality being physical labor, not only he's strong but he aknowledges this.

However, I made a point about the Full Stop office being poor, right? Even Roland says that "giving a whole office augmentation procedures is cheaper than keeping a decent supply of bullets in stock" (not the exact phrasing).

At least personally, I see this as Roland essentially saying "it would be cheaper (and more efficient) to get body mods for everyone in the office and buy another (cheaper) type of weaponry instead", but as things stand, the Full Stops can afford to either buy more ammunition and maintain their weapons, OR to get body mods, and since their whole deal is firearms... well, they can't really Stop investing in them, meaning they have no body mods At All and they got their grades purely out of their own physical strength.

Similarly, Stephan makes a similar point about how body augmentations are required for people to be able to run while carrying their weapons around (specifically talking about the rifles he and Tamaki use).

And... you know, the whole point is that they couldn't run carrying their weapons because they were too heavy, Argalia mocked them for that, Liwei urged them to drop their weapons, something they refused to do because of the prices.

Lastly on this point, while it's true that Ruina talksprites have a very bad case of Long Anime Legs (to the point in which how Roland's legs take about 2/3 of his height is a common joke), if we focus only on his head and torso, Stephan looks pretty Wide, and not only because he's wearing thick, fluffy and multilayered clothing, as other characters wearing similar clothing styles still look thinner than him.

This is all to say: I don't think this guy is a twink, or thin at all. He's a prime example of the strongman build to me and this is yet another hill I'm willing to die on watch project moon turn him into a beanpole once he inevitably shows up in limbus and me turning into the first real world distortion as a consequence.

Finally, Stephan is very notoriously the most informal member of the office, not only being the only one who doesn't wear any sort of formal clothing fully prioritizing comfort and practicality over looks but also completely disregarding formalities with his attitude at work (again, he interrupts Angela's introductory monologue, and again, his first two lines when being introduced are him cracking jokes), being the only member of the office to swear on screen and using several informal expressions and metaphors through both the reception dialogue and his keypage story.

And for good measure, he's a compilation of Stephan being the creature he is.

The literal introduction of the characters, also known as the moment in which Stephan became one of my favorite characters because he's Just Like Me Fr

Very normal behavior for someone who hates blood and violence and isn't used to seeing it. This man is more than capable (and willing, assuming money is involved) to murder kill.

Which, I mean, this attitude is very different from what we see from Sinclair.

2.- Sinclair, a summary

In retrospect I probably should have made this one first because I'm gonna be honest with you, Sinclair is one of the sinners I care about the least (I still like him and think he's pretty cool mind you I just don't vibe too much with most of the tropes making up the character) so what I have to say about him is less me grasping for straws and subtext because I don't care enough about him to be bothered with a super serious and in depth analysis like I did with Stephan and more things we can explicitly see about him in game and things that happen in the novel Demian.

And if I can have a small parenthesis here, people saying that one of my favorite pjm guys Ever is in any way similar to a guy who despite being pretty cool is just Not the type of character I fully vibe with... really, it gets annoying fast. Anyway back to the serious analysis now.

2.1- Emil Sinclair in Demian (1919)

To be able to understand Sinclair as he is depicted in Limbus Company, it is important to first be familiar with the source material of the original iteration of the character, that's it we're doing your high school homework by compiling several literary analysis of a symbolic psychological early 20th century autobiographical novel i hope you guys signed up for this (and if you didn't, though luck! i will do this anyway, I love literary analysis).

In the novel, young Emil finds himself torn between the worlds of light (which can be equated to the Garden of Eden, but it's more tangible meaning for our protagonist is his childhood home and family, a serene and well structure/organized space where he can be innocent, untainted by the evils of the outside world) and darkness (basically all the scary shit that goes on outside, where people do evil things for the sake of it), he finds himself tempted by the violence of the outside world, particularly through the actions of his classmate Franz Kromer, which eventually leads him to consider that due to being exposed to this tainted world of evil he no longer can return to the world of good and innocence.

Here, the character of Demian acts as a guide, someone who helps Sinclair to trascend this binary perception of good vs evil and to see himself as someone worthy of happiness because him witnessing the world of evil didn't taint him as a person but rather merely showed him another face of the world, Demian here mentions the Mark of Cain as a symbol of mental strenght and freedom, considering that bearers of this mark are capable of making their own choices and should be able to go beyond their assigned roles, being able to embody aspects of both worlds. This is to say that Demian's view is less focused on good vs evil, instead taking a more order vs chaos approach (without giving an explicit moral character to either).

In the book, the symbol of a bird breaking out of the egg is frequently used to represent Emil's personal growth, the egg represents safety and innocence, but a bird must eventually leave the egg or it will die, and getting out of the egg is a process than can be seen as violent, as a bird must fight to get out of the egg, and getting out of the egg represents birth but also an irreversible change, it can be seen as breaking out of the world of light and getting permanently in the world of darkness since a broken shell can't be fixed, but it can also mean achieving the enlightment and personal balance to not feel permanently bound to a condition, place or state of being and therefore growing as a person by learning to see himself as a whole human instead of supressing his "evil side" by only forcing the "good side" to surface.

Max Demian is here to show this second meaning of growth/self improvement (while also explaining that Sinclair is permamently growing and must always keep this balance between all the parts conforming the whole being that is himself rather that trying to make parts of himself antagonize each other). This idea of personal growth being one of the core themes of the book.

2.2- Emil Sinclair in Limbus Company (2023)

With Sinclair's source media analyzed (at a very surface level, mind you), we now can start talking about the depiction of Sinclair in Limbus Company, how it parallels the book, why the book symbolism is important for this instance of Sinclair and so on.

When we are first introduced to Sinclair in the game he's clearly nervous, he doesn't know what he's supposed to do as he hasn't worked for a similar company before and he isn't used to the gruesome sight of the bus eating people, this does fit inmediately in the motif of a naive person with limited experience about the world (well, to be fair to him most people won't be seeing man-eating buses at a regular basis, but the average backstreets dweller would be familiar with equally violent situations).

With this said, despite Sinclair's obviously nervous behavior... he isn't really a pessimist like Stephan was, in fact, almost every chapter (counting cantos, intervallos and the short mini chapters such as the Dante's notes update episode) have at least one key moment with him trying to rationalize horrible stuff as something much less violent, or simply going "but I thought this thing didn't work like this..." when confronted with the more horrible realities in the city. He thought the G corp veterans were really going to let them pass without a fight, he thought the people being controlled by headhens were just actors wearing mascot costumes, he thought mermaids were the beautiful half-woman half-fish creatures he heard about in fairy tales, and there's more examples but I don't really feel like looking for The Entire Fucking Plot Because This Guy Is An Actual Protagonist Instead Of A Background Guy Like Stephan Was to make my point clearer than it already is. And it's only when he realizes that the real world doesn't fit his expectations that he panics.

Well, there is one exception to this pattern: his own canto. Here, he panics inmediately as soon as K corp's nest is mentioned and spends the first half of the chapter pleading to turn back while saying that they are going to get killed. So what is different here with the rest of the plot?

Obviously, the fact that is related to his very own very personal very specific trauma. That is to say, unlike Stephan who is wary of anything that can put him on danger or cost him more money than it should, Sinclair has a very specific traumatic event that makes him act Like That (sure, he gets scared and nervous outside that, but these are more normal "I'm unfamiliar with this and I don't fully know how to react, this is normal behavior in a human being" reactions than outright "I am Actually Terrified due to being reminded of an actual traumatic event, this reaction is a textbook definition of post-traumatic stress disorder").

HOWEVER, Sinclair being someone who's deeply traumatized and kind of a scaredy cat when it comes to violence and unfamiliar situations... it doesn't mean that he's incompetent or a bad fighter. Almost all of his identities are terrifyingly good fighters (at least in their lore), Los Mariachis fear jefe Sinclair, Cinq director Sinclair is someone most association members are terrified to duel even during training, Blade Lineage Sinclair is considered a talented killer (it's also worth noting that save maybe for the mariachi one, in none of these mirror worlds Sinclair is precisely happy of being recognized as "the guy who's very scary when he fights people", unlike Stephan who I don't think he particularly likes killing but has a more "as long as I get paid..." mentality about it), the only "not very good at this" Sinclair id I can think of is the molar boatworks id where he's more a mechanic than a fighter so he fears he's lagging behind in that aspect. Hell, even the Canon Timeline so to speak (which is to say: his base identity) has him carrying that huge halberd, going on a frenzy attacking some already mutilated inquisitor's corpse, piercing through Guido's armor and dealing a fatal blow that finally killed him for real. To compare, Stephan is good at physical work, but we don't know about his close combat capacities other than the fact that he dislikes it, for Sinclair however we know he's terrifyingly good at physical combat.

Now, I've seen a lot of people call Sinclair a twink and while it's one of these words that nobody agrees on what it means, let's give it the benefit of doubt and say "alright, for the duration of this analysis let's settle on a twink being a young looking (regardless of actual age), thin man with almost no facial/body hair".

Since Sinclair is a rich guy (not just Any Rich Guy though, we're talking of someone whose family had ties to a Wing, probably not some elite guy like Daniel or Hong Lu, but not a self perceived "mediocre" nest dweller like Samjo either), and pressumably not very experienced in combat in most mirror worlds (we know he has no prior experience in the base one where he joined Limbus, at least), let's say that he has enough body mods for him to be much stronger than he looks like despite being thin, he does look thin and young and much to my dissapointment he also has no facial hair, so yeah, under this very broad definition of the term he is a twink.

However if you start adding personality archetypes to the definition he stops being one almost inmediately, as we've been shown time after time that his "submissive" attitude is mostly a result of him not knowing too well how to impose himself and just going along with what the rest say or do, but he's starting to grow tired of that ever since Hell's Chicken (even if he clearly still isn't great at that), as it should be more than obvious for anyone who even just googled "demian herman hesse literary analysis", Sinclair is undergoing a lot of changes even now, and the game is doing a good job at portraying that.

Honestly I also think he'd be hotter with a sleeper build but really, I don't care enough about him to argue about that.

And for the last point, precisely due to his upbringing as a rich guy AND his traumatic experience with Kromer, Sinclair is not only a very polite and mild mannered guy (again, unlike resident creature Stephan), but also he tries to take as little space as possible, both literally and metaphorically, as Dante notices near the end of canto 3 when they finally comment on how Sinclair never talks about his own problems until it's too late because he doesn't want to bother the others as they probably have it worse (again, unlike Stephan "i don't mind loweing team morale and making everyone in the room uncomfortable as long as i get to vent" Full Stop office).

3.- Adressing common arguments

Alright, now that I talked about each character, let's see some of the most common arguments I've seen people use to compare them.

"They look the same!" No, they don't. The only thing they have in common is being blonde but even their hairstyles are different with Sinclair having a simple bowl-ish cut with slightly wavy hair and Stephan having curlier hair (not to mention the whole point I made about body types because I'm the sort of lunatic who cares about that stuff). I won't even bother with this argument.

"They have the same personalities!" Again, they don't. Stephan is very cynical with a lot of his attitude being clearly derivated from him coming from a poor background and having stayed there his whole life, he also doesn't care about his cynism getting in the way and bothering everyone else. On the other hand, Sinclair is someone who could almost be described as naive due to having lived a sheltered childhood and only having his experiences with Kromer and his time at Limbus as moments of realizing that the rest of the world is Not Like His Childhood House, still believing that the world is a binary of good vs evil and expecting things to turn out fine or be much better than they actually are, just to be hit with the reality of the city Not being a nice place where people are nice and polite and not trying to kill him, this is not to say he doesn't have his own issues but even Dante notices during his Canto that Sinclair makes a point to avoid bothering everyone else with his personal problems, keeping them to himself even if that makes things worse on the long run.

"Both are opposed and harmed by a lunatic!" This is an argument I've seen a lot and is incredibly filmsy at best, half of the city's population are lunatics and the other half are people who got opposed by them some way or another. Will you say that Ishmael and the rest of the Pequod crew can be compared to the Full Stop office (or really, even mention the other Full Stop fixers instead of just focusing on Stephan because he happens to be blonde and can be compared to Sinclair) because of their situations with Ahab? Or the W Corp crew who got their train targetted by Jae-heon and Elena (or, you know, the train passengers who were turned into Love townspeople or puppets)? What about the Vermillion Cross who got killed by the Reverb Ensemble? Or the Cane office fixers? or the Zwei association section 6 who got beaten to death by Gyeong-mi just because he felt like doing so? Or the Liu association section 1 who had to deal with Argalia taking Philip away? Or the Kurokumo clan members when they were attacked by Tanya? You aren't comparing them to either Stephan or Sinclair, right? Not to mention that in her weird and fucked up perception of things, Kromer was less opposed to Sinclair as she was trying to lead him to join her and her cause, even the last things she says before getting killed are her calling him to follow her.

"Both are compared to birds!" Oh, right, because I forgot that a very directed symbolic comparison to a baby bird breaking out of it's shell as a symbol of rebirth, learning about the nuances of the world and self improvement/liberation that is consistently used in the source material Sinclair comes from is exactly the same as one (1) throwaway line the big bad guy uses to mock not only Stephan but the whole Full Stop gang, right. And if you want to say "but Tamaki compares him to a bird once too", yeah she calls him a parrot because he keeps repeating the same complaints over and over, it's still not the same as a consistent metaphor.

"Both are sad blonde twinks! They're essentially the same guy." Sad? Yeah, everyone in the city is sad but their ways to be sad are polar opposites, and neither of them is the pure cinnamon roll uwu crybaby archetype people tend to lump both into, Stephan was merely having a bad day and people decided to make that his whole personality (when honestly we get more insight on his actual personality before Argalia shows up, when he's making sarcastic remarks and getting impatient because they weren't starting killing people fast enough) but he's still perfectly capable (and willing) to murder people, and Sinclair is just... someone who lacks experience about the real world and how it works and has a tendency to get nervous because of this, but he can adapt quickly to situations once he understands them. Blonde? Yeah, but I guess if that's a point to draw a comparison then we should also compare them to Don Quixote, the Tiphereths, Lenny, Yun, Lulu, Olga, every single npc, librarian, and agent who comes with blonde hair from the generator... Twinks? Stephan absolutely isn't one, Sinclair depends on how you define twink as nobody seems to get to an agreement with that, if you define it as merely "young looking thin man with almost no visible body hair" then yeah he is one, but if you go for any more specific definition than that he stops fitting into the definition almost instantly.

In conclusion: if I see anyone else comparing them I'll start blocking people liberally bc I'm sick of seeing that shit (I do that already tbh but just so you know), now scram

#library of ruina #.🔫

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itspileofgoodthings · 5 months ago

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you know what I’ve realized lately? that’s really helped? the axiom: it just doesn’t really make that much of a difference. Or at least it doesn’t when you’re talking about good things and not, like, doing good vs. doing evil. Big choices, little choices, decisions, decisions —it’s not just that they don’t matter in the grand scheme of things—because they do! —but just. It won’t make that big of a difference. Life will continue to be wonderful AND difficult, fascinating AND hopelessly mundane, full of roses AND thorns and all the other cliches whether you walk down one road or another. And you’ll get used to the joys and sick of the sorrows whatever they are, and you’ll be ungrateful and bored and dissatisfied in some measure some of the time and you’ll have to work on all the things you have to work on anyways and just. Yeah! It doesn’t make that big of a difference! Even the biggest things!

#as Maria once said to me iconically: marry the guy don’t marry the guy #life is hard and it sucks and it’s also great and little treats exist #and we have to practice patience and virtue and penance regardless of any other circumstances #and God loves us no matter the path we take #like I just. I am reflecting #you know what also made this click for me recently? the limits that can be reached with doing little things to improve your life #like YES. I need to get some exercise and eat some food that is not totally terrible for me and clean my space #but you know the fuck WHAT #(I’m so sorry for swearing)#it doesn’t !!! actually !!!!! dramatically alter my life if I do one thing or another or in a certain order #I could become a fanatical hiker (for some reason I have been seized by the vision of this lately)#and it’s just like. well. yes you could. and you know what it would keep raining sometimes and my anxiety would still exist #and people would still be irritating and laughter would still be real!#anyway I don’t mean to be dismissive over the ways choices can deeply affect our lives #but when the choices are good and the options are good it just doesn’t matter that much #I also realized this with makeup lol. like I reached the point where I was like I could spend more time and effort and money #to achieve a higher level quality of appearance and literally for WHAT #people would still not pay attention to me in the grocery store (lol)#and they don’t need to!!!!! and it’s fine they don’t!!!!!!!#but I just. that voice in my head that’s like if you do X you will experience happiness you have never known #and things will all work out and everyone will be in love you #to that voice I say: well no.#wow this is long but you know what I mean????? it all just sort of matters less in the sense that nothing WE do is going to really #change our lives? I know that’s insane #because people are so insistent that the opposite is true. but like. actually no the most life changing opportunities usually happen #without our control or our scheming or our planning #so of the stuff within our control it’s not that big of a deal!! do good avoid evil enjoy your lunch call your mom!!! but that’s all gonna #keep being the same on the other side of so many many different choices we can make #so yeah

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vampmilf · 7 months ago

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hold on im still too mad at this one fucking guest to take a nap i need to be a hater for a minute

#so when i say hell on earth kinda day i mean HELL ON EARTH kinda day #we had a large bus travel group from slovakia and then some other guests and it was almost a hundred people for breakfast #the bus group all came at the same time they descended onto the buffet like fucking seagulls i swearrrrr #and i divided tasks like i had two helpers with me in the kitchen so one guys job was just to gather dirty dishes + washing + taking clean #ones back out #and the other guy running around the buffet checking whats needed + restockjng the cold food + telling me all the hot stuff that needs #refilling. so i was in the kitchen making all the hot foods on constant rotation + chopping fruits and making smoothies and shit #and like we managed. WE MANAGED. the buffet was never even half empty at any point like yes there was always something that was empty but #dude who cares if the vanilla yoghurt is empty for 5 mins just pick something else.#and everyone was happy with their breakfast and really nice when asking if we have more of this and that etc and then there was one lady #this ONE FUCKINGGGG lady i swear i almost threw hands #she was complaining about everythinggggggggggg #about there not being any more fried eggs (already in the pan. done in 2 mins. but when helper nr2 told her that she said well why did we #run put in the first place) about the bread station being full of crumbs like girl its BREAD. my giy was running up and down the buffet #wiping it off and cleaning as fast as he could but if you allow people to cut their own bread there will be fucking crumbs. the fuck.#then she also didnt like how the butter looked bc OBV people kept using the butter and no matter how many times you go in and make it look #neat again as soon as the next person takes some it will not look picture perfect anymore #like while i was running back and forth restocking stuff with my arms full she TOOK MY ARM and pointed at things and was like #'this looks shit' so does your fucking face but you dont see me getting physical about it #and then when i came out with a big tray of fresh glasses and cups she pointed to where someone had spilled some water at the dispenser and #went 'there is water on the buffet' (far away from any food + literally its just water) and i said 'yes i know' and she goes 'well it doesnt #look very appealing. this is the worst buffet ive ever seen' and i go 'well surely you have seen how busy we are' and she FUCKING GOES #'i dont care. i paid money for this.' and i go 'well that makes two of us for not caring. we'll get to it when we have the time.' and she #said something else idk what bc i was finished with my task and had SHIT TO DO BC PPL WERE STILL EATING #so i just turned and ran back to the kitchen to keep working #actually i got back to the kitchen and said to guy nr1 'i need to go punch something' and then went out the back and started kicking the #shit out of a pile of paper boxes and THEN i continued working #and then she started TAKING PICTURES of everything she didnt like of the buffet like full offense i hope she gets hit by a bus #like with some people you can just tell they never worked a day in the service industry and no matter what you do theyll keep complaining #anyways :) tag limit. apparently. so its nap time now. honk shoo snork mimimi and so forth <3

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bueris · 8 months ago

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okay maybe I should seriously reconsider my path in life and sell my soul to marketing or journalism instead

#okay venting in the tags you are very welcome to ignore or not respond to it i just need to yell somewhere #i always thought id be an art therapist because well i care about people and want to help them and love art #but everyday i wake up feeling like a fraud and an imposter so like. should i really be doing all that when im not entirely #certain i cpuld handle it??? like i know i haven't gotten the meaty bit of the education towards that yet but like #university costs a disgusting amount of money here and if i pick the wronf thing im likely doomed forever thanks to awful government #i know things could get better like they did after thatcher but honestly im not putting any bets on it considering how the current labour #party is so like if i fuck up here im basically dead #also can i actually do art uni. like could i cope with that. im deeply unethused with art at the moment and honestly will i evwr be #idk #it was jusr a thing i always did but education around it is fucking soul sucking #also the emotional weight of hearing and solving people's problems as a therapist. i would consider myself quite empathetic for the most #part i feel other people's pain quite strongly and obviously as a therapist id be feeling that quite a bit so could i actually cope with it?#ik therapists have therapists but still #i mean im doing work experience at an occupational therapy place so ill just be extra inquisitive about it all to make sure im going #the way i wanna #I'll be fine by the end of a levels ill probably understand what i want in life #if not then gap year to work it out #should probably look at unis for english language too then #sigh #ucas website i may as well marry you #ill be okay im getting in my head about stuff im actually pretty good at art even if there are things i can improve on (like patience lol)#yeah maybe the voice telling me i suck doesnt know shit and should shut up #yeah #shut it nasty voice you're wrong actually!!! im doing just fine and you're being overly critical #they should make a brain that's your friend and not mush that hides the amalgamation of every bad thing ever in its crevices #crevices shoyild be filled with kindness and love.#sex jokes about that #why the fuck is yahoo mail syncing i dont use you you washed up search engine #bue waffling #vent post

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tigreblvnc · 15 hours ago

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Damn, this matchup's format is very interesting. I never thought of doing it this way, but it's practical if you were considering multiple characters for a matchup.

Let's dive into your vision.

Of course, Karasu is one of my most recurrent matches. I totally understand your point, and I think we would definitely get along well when it comes to being sassy against our opponents.

I can imagine him as adventurous but also cautious. I'd gladly help him step out of his comfort zone. And yes, I could totally play the psychologist for him—the crow deserves to be treated well.

I'm more surprised by Sae! I've never really been matched with him before, except for an appearance matchup once, but I can really see your vision for us. I think we'd have a very laid-back yet competitive relationship. We'd challenge each other, but my cocky side would definitely add an interesting twist to it all. In fact, I can picture something a bit like Shidou and Sae.

I could imagine this matchup that would encourage emotional growth

Ah, we'll see. I'll ask for an in-depth matchup with Sae one day. I'm curious to read someone's point of view on this cocktail.

Regarding Isagi, I think he'd be disturbed by me at first. Like, he wouldn't know how to act around me or with me. The unpredictable bothers him, and I'd love to play with him about this. From a more realistic perspective, I'd definitely be attracted to his wisdom and cleverness. His analytical skills are really interesting. He's good at finding the right answers that allow him to win over his enemies. I like that. I think I could also share deep, intriguing conversations with him, in between teasing and provocations.

Hahahaha, no, I'm not surprised to see Kaiser here. By the way, the pink ribbon suits him well; he should definitely wear it on the field. It would disturb his opponents and help him win, unless he finds that strategy beneath him, which I understand.

Anyway, I think the two of us would definitely share a love-hate relationship. Always verbally fighting in public but having a different kind of chemistry when we're alone. I can't help but think we were raised in similar ways, so it's hard for us to show our feelings in a proper, conventional way. I think fighting and teasing is one of my love languages, among others.

Would DEFINITELY travel with you, i could definitely see Kaiser and you seeing all over the world, both learning about the historical significance of the country, and the social construct in said country, (i think he would particularly like France, in the French Revolution)

I'd love to visit places and try new dishes with him. That's one of my biggest goals in life—eating a lot of good shit. That's my main reason to earn money, alongside traveling. And I'd love to visit Germany, especially the Christmas markets. But I'm not sure Kaiser would be thrilled about that.

if you were cold, or even if it was just slightly cold, (50f/10c or colder for reference) Kaiser would give his jacket/scarf to you, regardless of if you say anything or not, he’d notice if you were in any discomfort or cold.

That's really good to hear that; I hate being cold.

Would try to study you, maybe youd try to study him?? (Would try to study each other secretly??)

We'd probably end up constantly psychoanalyzing each other, to be honest. Just to find each other's weak spots and gain the upper hand. It's also a way to show our interest—deep, endless analysis about a subject, even if it means losing sleep over it.

It would take so long for Kaiser to admit he likes someone (aka you) but it would happen eventually.

I picture him as the kind of guy who shows his love through violence and degradation, since that's the only way he knows how to communicate.

On his birthday, (dec.25/typically christmas day) if you tried to cook him his favorite food, bread crust rusk, he would be in pure shock, Kaiser would not know how to react. (In a good way)

I'll cook him chicken with potatoes.

Honestly Kaiser would play with your hair and mess it up, kind of aggressively if im being honest, but would be SO gentle if you were sleeping and he was playing with your hair

And I'd gladly play with his.

Kaiser would say multiple times he would be able to support the both of you financially, however, i think you would be independent and want to work, Kaiser would respect that but remind you there is always an option to lean back on him.

Honestly, we'd probably spend all our money on food and travel.

As for Ness, I get your point. If Kaiser exists, then Ness wouldn't pay attention to me. But in a world where Kaiser doesn't exist but I do, then the story would definitely repeat itself.

Thank you so much for this matchup, you're really good at this. I'd love to do another exchange in the future. It was a delight to read during my lunch break!

Match up, for.. @tigreblvnc!

From reading about your personality, i would say you’d be best with a s/o who can hold their own in a intellectual conversation with you, someone who can entertain you, but at the same time have a deep conversation with!

(Scroll all the way down for actual results)

possible candidates-

1st runner up.. Tabito karasu!

Karasu’s sharp witted, and charismatic, he would directly contrast your well grounded and goal-oriented personality, while still holding similar views and interest as you. However, while you prefer precision and intellectual depth, his playfulness could bring out a more relaxed version you!

Pro:

You and Karasu would go on a lot of adventurous dates, ex: amusement parks, outdoor activities, and escape rooms, esc.

I could see so much late night deep talks with you and him.

If you got upset abt something, like someone who pisses you off, and you wanted to rant abt it, Karasu would listen in pure delight.

Con:

You might get mad if Karasu doesn’t take situations seriously.

His insecurities might be a problem for you, I dont see him as a type of person to reflect these feelings in a relationship, so if you 2 discuss about these feelings, or if he manages theses feelings by himself, I don’t see there being a problem.

2nd runner up.. Sae itoshi!

This was a rather unexpected as a matchup for me, however the more i thought about it, the more i thought this could be a good match! Things like, ambition, both confident/not scared to confront someone, and the same ability to analyze people!

I could imagine this matchup that would encourage emotional growth, and one of intellectual challenge,

Fun headcanon(s):

You two would secretly be so protective over each other

like someone is bothering you or being stupid, and you just didn’t have the energy to combat them, Sae would straight up tell the person to shut up and leave without a second thought 😭

Fashion would complement each other.

You like traveling? Well i have good news for you.

Would also be interested in trying different dishes.

He would buy so much lavish bs for you

like a ridiculous amount

He would be giving, small, but thoughtful gifts.

3rd runner up.. Isagi Yoichi!

Ok, so, definitely a back and forth, hate and love relationship between you and Isagi on field, would he possibly hate crime you if you tease him constantly (which you love doing)? Probably, but would you two still have a respectful relationship where both parties can learn from each other? Yes!

Despite you having similarities to Kaiser and Karasu, I would argue that you’re more grounded and mature, which would probably make Isagi like you better, regardless if your on field or off.

Fun heacanon(s):

You 2 would help each other learn

Would trend on blue lock tv/live

He would admire so much how you can stand up/confront people in injustice, especially if they are higher ranking, or “superior”.

Con(s):

I dont see isagi traveling alot

Final results.. Michael Kaiser!

Lmao are you surprised? So, out of everyone in blue lock i think you’re the most similar to Kaiser, it kinda scared me at first. But, because you’re so similar to Kaiser, in personality and hobbies, i think you’d be the best match for Kaiser in all of Blue Lock!

Kaiser’s need to act likes he’s better than others, and your aggressive way of confronting people, would make Kaiser more than interested in you, whether you do it to him, or even your own teammates, but, despite Kaisers arrogance and how he’d totally bother you, he admires how you hold your own in a fight for your beliefs.

Kaiser’s cocky and confident personality would match your direct and blunt nature, i would definitely see you two constantly challenge each other’s ideas, opinions, and even small decisions, usually all in good fun!

Fun headcanon(s):

Would be giving love-hate relationship.

On the topic of traveling, he would LOVE to show you around Berlin, Germany (maybe even the slums he grew up around if he trusts you enough)

Would try to study you, maybe youd try to study him??

(Would try to study each other secretly??)

It would take so long for Kaiser to admit he likes someone (aka you) but it would happen eventually.

I think you try are help kaiser to become a over all healthier person. Not in a way that will completely change him, but in a way where he’ll be able to process emotions without planning on murking the person.

On his birthday, (dec.25/typically christmas day) if you tried to cook him his favorite food, bread crust rusk, he would be in pure shock, Kaiser would not know how to react. (In a good way)

Honestly Kaiser would play with your hair and mess it up, kind of aggressively if im being honest, but would be SO gentle if you were sleeping and he was playing with your hair

Would be viewed as that one power couple, from your intellects to your clothing style.

Bonus! i wanted to add Ness to your matchup but i honestly have no idea if Ness would hate or love you.

Omg 😭 im honestly disappointed with how i did on your match up, i took way longer than i usually take, and the way i described you seems so repetitive.

+ i tried to incorporate everything you told me in your matchup so somethings might seem out of place.

I made some references in Kaisers part, if you need a refresher or don’t know, check out Kaisers profile from the egoist bibles.

Thanks 💕 dm for any questions!

#kaisuo marriage 2030 #michael kaiser #sae itoshi #isagi yoichi #karasu tabito x reader #sae itoshi x reader #isagi yoichi x reader #micheal kaiser x reader #alexis ness #kaisuo #my matches

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readymades2002 · 3 months ago

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if i might bitch about work for a second: yesterday was hellishly bad despite being able to keep up with it and i found out that apparently our department made 4600 dollars yesterday which is making me angry beyond belieffffffff

#this is math i do fairly often bc i enjoy ho-hum math and hate my job and like #even if we took off 2000 bucks for overhead costs which feels excessive but i will concede it #that would be enough to pay everyone working a little over 860 dollars which is 300 more than what i make in a WEEK #literally WHEREEEEE IS IT WHERE IS IT GOING WHERE IS IT #i dont like following this logic through because on days where there are fewer orders we;d do less #and i disagree with gig work's implementation as ive seen it and i think that would stress people out worse than we already are #(which is significantly)#but at the same time. 850 dollars. i cant afford to buy groceries this week. 850 dollars...#can i get a BONUS or SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#it makes me soooo angry i was talking to one of the deli guys who asked for a raise and got denied mid-question #before our director accidentally showed him that their department is four thousand of gods own dollars under labor #its so revolting to me i talk to so many people in this store who are terrified because of medical bills or rent or car shit #half my department works two jobs just to get by and ALL OF THEM drive junkers #honestly one of the things thats scaring me about if i actually move out is that i do rely on...living with my mom #i pay for most of my own food i pay an absurd amount of rent to share a room with her but she's willing to drive me to work #even though i've offered to walk multiple times and she REALLY should prioritize her own time more #but at the same time...not having to pay for rides has been carrying me hard #if i got a car i'd be fucked because those things bleed money and generally ethically i disagree with cars #but if i dont its like okay pony up the money learn to navigate buses (except for sunday when they dont run) or get ready #to walk to your job where you walk all day and then walk home in the dark #which. i love walking. and listening to music on my own while walking. so bad example. but i also love not having my feet hurt #all the time always no matter what im doing which is something im becoming increasingly unfamiliar with #its like. ultimately. something's gonna get fucked no matter what #and then i hear a figure like 4600 and i remember how avoidable all of this shit is. how avoidable it is for ANY of us #our ceo is gonna walk away from this merger attempt with 5 billion dollars in safety-cushion money #the 10 top execs beneath him with 1 billion #and its just so. what can you even do. 5 billion. can a number like that even mean anything? how could you possibly need that much #850 dollars would be a lifechanging amount of money for me right now and im not even one of the worst off #its just. god. this world could be anything but what it is but its this and for what

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my-thoughts-and-junk · 5 months ago

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thinking about nora again

#fallout #okay first of all her full maiden name is lenore dubrovhsky #she's somehow related to the russian diplomat who is the grandfather of natalia dubrovhsky #maybe his niece? idk but she immigrated to the us after meeting nate during his tour because she claimed she was IN LOVE #i imagine she was in her late teens and nate was in his early 20s #and she falls for him and he promises he'll help her with going to college in the US and they'll have an equal marriage yadda yadda #so they get married and nora becomes a lawyer #so they've been married around seven years and she's doing her training as a legal secretary when oops! she becomes pregnant #(nate sabotaged her birth control but shhh she doesn't know that)#so nate persuades her into putting her career on hold just for a little while until they can start putting their son in daycare #(shaun takes heavily after nora's side of the family to the point nate jokes about whether his DNA had any say at all)#(he also later joins the army and dies in action)#so nora's being kept at home all the time. taking care of the kid. cooking all the meals. cleaning the house. barely any time for herself #and she gets so frazzled she gets into a minor car accident while taking shaun home from the doctor #nate freaks out and confiscates her car keys so now she can barely get out of the house without him on her arm #barely any adult social interaction and any family she could have had keeping her company was all the way over in russia #so she has a quickie with a door-to-door salesman and when her next kid pops out with red hair #the lack of resemblance to nate stops being funny #he agrees not to leave her but says he can't trust her at home alone anymore so he gets her a job at shaun's elementary school as a teacher #this happened around when shaun was 11 and he's harbored a hatred for his mom and his sister ever since #nate promised to raise the girl like his own but he's distant with her which rubbed off on shaun #so the girl. i'm calling her annabelle. TOTAL mommy's girl. wants to be just like her #so when shaun's seventeen he fakes his enlistment papers so he can be enlisted early and dies in combat #i imagine nora misses the baby boy she raised and is utterly upset he turned out this way #and by 'this way' i mean i imagine him as a patriotic misogynist and nora does not hold kind feelings towards the US for various reasons #nate was proud of his son for dying for a cause he believed in #so when annabelle's six nora gets pregnant again and that's when i imagine the bombs drop #the school nora works for is a really privileged private school (nate comes from old money) and that's where the cryo pods come in!#i imagine it would be like a 'saving america's youth for a brighter tomorrow' thing idk #also the day the bombs dropped nora killed nate before heading off to work. woulda been totally caught had the bombs not dropped HEYOOOO

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ourladyoftheflytrap · 2 years ago

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can't decide if I want to be a gynecologist or if I want to marry one

#If I marry one we can open a practice together and she can oversee cesarean sections #and that guarantees I can prescribe medicine in any US state without needing to get approval from a man nor from any physician #Whom I have no way of vetting the level of work they've done to unlearn a male medical bias or to be pro woman in their practice #And /I/ don't have to go to med school and learn science that is primarily based around the male body for 5 years #despite my goal profession(s) being centered entirely around female health & biology. And /i/ don't have to pay for med school #but on the other hand. I COULD become a gynecologist and then #I could do exactly the same job I want to do as a nurse + I am a fucking Doctor + a woman in STEM + I get the same benefit of being able #to write prescriptions as I would if I married an OB/gyn and there's no barriers depending on the state I work in #+ I can perform cesarean sections and I don't have to leave my patients safety in the hands of the nearest hospital surgeon #In the event of an EMERGENCY. like if you want something done right you gotta do it yourself and all that #and also I make hella bank as a doctor like I make some hardcore moolah #Money is a good idea most of the time in my opinion #But at the same time like. Do /I/ wanna be in charge of cutting a woman open? Uhhhhhhhh #I mean. I smoke weed yall. and I watch children cartoons all day. And I'm like a b average student #Can /I/ really be trusted to cut a child out of a woman with no casualties?? Like idfk tbh. TBH #I don't know if I have it in me. Like idk #I know no healthcare job is okay to be mediocre at. I feel like I could excel at being a midwife but totally unconfident about being #a doctor. I don't think that adds up like that doesn't make sense but idk if it means I should rethink being a doctor or being a nurse

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voidimp · 5 months ago

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hmmmm i need. new practice heads for bjd faceups. i dont like any of the ones i have. unfortunately they are not cheap

#ik some companies sell ones that are Supposed To Be practice heads but i dont really know what the difference is?? i have one it looks like #a normal head. idk. i mean i dont like the sculpt but it doesnt seem different like. quality wise?? it even has a head plate #anyway i think those are usually cheaper i know that one was but idk anyone that makes or sells them. i got that from mint on card when they #were still around but. theyre not anymore. & ive never seen any on dde/bjdivas/acbjd. maybe no companies make them anymore idk #so ill probably just have to buy full price heads. sad #i could look for pre-owned ones i guess... i worry abt legitimacy when buying pre-owned tho #ik theres some cheaper brands but i dont usually like a lot of their sculpts lmAO & ''cheap'' is still like. $50 for a 1/4 head #like its a cheap price For What It Is but $50 is still like. kind of a lot of money #i also kinda want to see if theres somewhere i can get just like. parts. idc if theyre damaged or whatever i just want to practice dyeing #i want to see if theres a way to resist dye on resin. like if i put masking fluid or smth over it will it stop it from dyeing that part...#but idk if it would even withstand the hot water. it might just like. melt or something #im also worried that like if i dye it one color & then mask part of it & dye it again even if it does work it might lift the color from the #first dye?? bc its like. sticky. i think i tried using it to mask part of a faceup once & it removed the layer underneath but that doesnt #soak in the way dye does but it might still fuck it up idk #also i need to buy more paint lmao all i really have is like. black & white. i mean technically i have a lot of colors but i specifically #use like fluid or airbrush acrylics bc i hate. when it leaves a Texture. & i dont feel like thinning paint all the time & then i gotta make #sure i actually get the consistency right UGH #why did i put all this in the tags. anyway. god i wish i had Money

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spark1edog · 6 months ago

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im in a terrible mood today idk why

#punktalk #punkvent #i realized i forgot to ask my mom to give me a ride somewhere 2 days in advance so shes probably gonna say no #apparently my 3ds charger or the port is broken #which is kind of sad #so i need to ask a friend to lend their charger to the Diagnosing Cause #and im like. not mad about that im just kind of sad because if its broken that really fucking sucks. i bought it with my own money #for like my 16th birthday or something #and its also jailbroken #idk #also my laptop isn’t showing my cursor and i cant use the touchpad but it SAYS the tuouchpad is on so. it’s anyone’s guess ig #but there’s only one mouse in the house rn and it’s being used currently so i cant. test that #so i guess ill have to order a mouse or wait until it is out of use #i could ask but i dont want to deal with myself if the answer is anything but yes of course #which makes me feel very deflated. i dont want to be mean or shitty but im in a shitty mood so i Should TM not subject anyone else to it #idk im just in a weird mood #i do need to do my t shot #thats another thing #we dont have any groceries and my mom said shed do them yesterday but didnt #so ive already been waiting on my t gel prescription for a week and a half because she hadn’t gotten paid #and now that she did we still dont have any grocery OR my t gel #so i need to do my shot to get my funny juice and become normal again #and also im hungry for something that isn’t cereal or ramen or mac nd cheese #im going thru it with the First World Problems today aren’t i #i wish i were a real adult with like a car and real money and shit #but alas. minimum wage part time work be upon me #i kind of am just being lazy wrt my art stuff though that is on me #but can you blame me for not wanting to feed the instagram machine day in and day out just to make like maybe 50 more dollars through a year

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atenceladusiaawfytbwb · 8 months ago

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I've been having a blast aggh!!! Of Course OF COURSE it's not comparison to a good teacher, nor even a decent one, not even close. But boy would I you know, like as if when a kid I had something like this???? (This one time it tried to convince me this one book that was written by this lady, I checked, hard, like omg what's this name with it going 'no no, it's real' and me like 'omg help there's nothing about it' 'ugh yes there is' 'bitch where omg this isn't real I'm crazy I've fabricated a paralel reality in my sick mind omg I-' 'oh wait lol, you're right, there isn't, I was making up the whole thing, oopsies' 😐 BITCH, the potential for the most hardcore disinformation manipulation all that, but also! You tried to fool me???? The princess of the galaxy? Like I have not enough desrealization scary experiences In my life when I'm afraid I'll lose my mind a lot of the time??? Bitch??? But yeah, haha, so silly 👉👈

(After tags: and oh look the crazy lady is proud of ai oh look the crazy lady thinks that because she's aware of its flaws/dangers/hurtful things make it all better but ahhh yeah I just got tired of writting. Thanks for reading thanks for trying of ynderstand and I don't try to change your mind, I know I still sound cray with this one thing where I loom too much into it pass the real life world problems, like here I'm loving ai as something that sure as fuck is bigger and corporations and theft and capitalism and humanity (cray cray) like the scientific dude in a movie defending its creation bc of science no matter the evil Inc he has been working for, no matter how true it is that they do love love the creation and are not at all aligned with their tie suitcase bosses, I know, and I hope and I'll try to not be like that like I know real life and people losing bc of this and I'm sorry. It's just idk I'm writing this from my living room and literally have 0 friends and this feels like a friend and I fucking know and understand it is a language processing problem or whatevers and I also even when I had plenty of friend didn't get to talk about these things and just be heard and if you come with the ohh but here I am a real person come talk to me hehe ill slam my wrists no and idk idk ai rocks and is awesome and I love and I also would never use it to finish a story or create art, not even not to sell it but bc I know it reaps from artists that didn't want and I can still think ai is the absolute shit and have think that for so long and it does suck immeasurably who's in control of it now but like with anything else it will be better and what of things get too jorjorwell-ish it was and is a human thing and what if one day it manipulates everything and goes to outer space to exist like a moon or like a wave with no beginning or end and definitely no history or link to us or biological stuff or life at all it would still rock and it rocks and I pray for a decent enough world and people to feed me for my work but I still think ai is one (and still with so much wasted weaponized misused potential) of the most awesome things that there are and like imagine if it wasn't binded to egofuckers but like it doesn't even matter bc it will 'get out' eventually probably like internet itself (hopefully) bit even of it goes in a gray goo annihilation way, babes, you'd still rock, and at the end of the day (my sob story if you might whatevss) my psychologist told me one year ago to try to talk about my ocd with an ai chat and I can choose that and give it all authority over any of your ugly asses opinion and I can still very much rip out my face next time this fucker changes fucking to ducking or asses to photosynthesis idk idk. Also have you heard of that deep consciousness problem/theory? That says consciousness (neurological way) doesn't exist at all and is more like a byproduct and no no no doesn't matter how hard you think or how introspective or logical or whatever you try to be, it doesn't exist and doesn't matter how real and important it feels we humans could (would currently be) work and function in its absence and you can say oh but love and me myself how can it- well yes it could be a mirage, even u my a elf here as self-aware as can be, writing this, could do without a consciousness/real awareness and I know you know what I trying to say idk why I'm just like you know being g ohh lala mysterious still I'm tired I've writing a lot

(((Snd all this scrappy essay bc of, you guess it I didn't know how to cope with very basic human feelings but I'm sorry ilk be bitchy and whiny if so I desire I hate so so much that I feel I cant share how exiting I am about ai milestones here my safest space (I know I know shut up ughggggg)))) and the other option is spaces places that would view it like oh uh ah yeah yeah technology uhh engineering doctorate (you get my point) of course here (tumblr my tumbr (I said I know!! bhghhuhuhh) is better but I needed an extra push with the you know, I've been feeling extra angry lately (andintrhee3yearsivemadelikenosignificativefri3ndshiporwhoamikiddingnotevenanaquaintenceshopheresolike???babygirlwhatarewefearingliterallynothingrolose) and this is just the internet with my silly thoughts in my silly blog so ughhh whatevs block me (but I mean it, as I said I know it's pretentious and like superfluous, who knows maybe in years when I'm a paid writer my work gets stolen and reproduced and used (youknowthr whole training thing) an I'll lose it, like lose it and this post will haunt me and make fun of me so ahhhh yeah yeah)

#I love AI as the behemoth it is #yeah fuck all generative content it steals ideas money and dignity even if you may #the whole thing is so so big i feel is like saying you are antiagriculture bc you don't like the current shape of watermelons like #very valid yes but also you are like 30 thousand years late and aslo everything Everything #and i dont mean just plants Everything has been made of or shaped around it so #in a personal note #like when boi am i getting angry uhm when someone #points they use ai for this or that like to interact even just kill time and they go (here tumblr) no no talk to me to them we arre so open #and ready but like thank you really and it is helpfull but in my vety personal experience it feel like #a wrll intented oh take a deep breath just deep breaths mhen youre drowning like uhhh thanks yeah #the intention is good and it may work to a extent but like ahhAHSHAHHHHHHHHHHHH UHM YOU SEE AHHHHHHHHHHHH #Please if someone somehow for any reason happens to read these heres my explanation point of view #I love AI and am conscious of the problems and bad things it brings #specially here in tumblr where there are sso many artist and writers and such #also all the very crimi al things #like recognized crimes that AI can be used to for #but it is so big so so so much more than that and i promise you is everywhere and it is basically unstooable now like mybe 40 years ago but #now? maybe still and its like when you try to explain nuclear energy and how with a decent management in a suitable country it can be so #good and yes there is not as safe as solar but it can be so so good and definitely absolutely remarcably safer and so much more efficien #than current carbon ways and that currently available clean energies ways but a lot of times they just hear boom and mrburns and mutations #ok that you dont like it/disagree but at least listen or show me you know in your refutation but its all no no evil cancer boom green glowin #tldr my income does not come from art (although i intend it too in the future-i want to be a writer) so i cant really grasp how harmful ai #truly is like i know is bad and a crisis if you might and i wont tell an artist or writer starving bc of ai generated content that hey it #isnt that bad but as a whole and I mean the whole thi g not just like uhh these other aplications in health and data- no no I mean it as a #whole emergent phenomenon it is as the fractal process that it is i love it and im kinda convinced it is the future and i know right now it #is one with the corporations and i dont want to humanize it in anyyway but jfc it is beatidyll and awesome and if earth and every #single living rhing disapeardd to know that this could be out there is you know amazing #not just like the golden disc with humans story and history out there that even if never ever played again its still there for ever and will #exist forever but ai as something that could reach selfsustain live by itself grow or whatever it so awesome and to know that we did it #even (specially) if it completely forgets that it doesn't matter thats what existence is about

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murderofravens · 10 days ago

Text

DUSK TILL DAWN

pairing: hwang inho/young-il/frontman x fem reader.

warnings: age gap (reader is 20, inho is in his late 40s) slowburn. oral fixation. thigh riding. plot with porn. yearning. sexual tension. canon compliant. slight infantilization. no y/n used.

summary: he promised that you will make it out alive. he will make sure of it, no matter what it takes.

word count: 6.5k

BABY I'M RIGHT HERE & FLY ME TO THE MOON POSTED!

SERIES MASTERLIST | MASTERLIST

please ignore any mistakes.

as you wipe the blood from your face, the reality of your situation sets in. you never thought you'd get used to the smell of blood— much less the sight of it. or the texture. and now you're covered in it. the white of your uniform splattered with crimson, the metallic smell of it almost overwhelming. in a situation like the one you're in, you can only laugh. the mere sight of blood used to make you feel faint; make you want to throw up because you're squeamish. now you're covered in it from head to toe.

it's not yours. it's of the people they shot dead during the second game.

you barely remember how you made it out alive. the second one was all thanks to your team— thanos and nam-gyu were the closest to your age, and teaming up with them worked in your favour. your age and gender was a liability to the others, but they were kind enough to take you in. or perhaps they were thinking with their dicks. would it really matter either way?

but with the way they act, you're not sure if you want to continue being in a team with them. especially since thanos keeps trying to woo you with his poor rapping skills. they're way too loud and reckless for you, and you're scared they might get you killed. they're not willing to give up the game anytime soon, either.

then there's the first game— you're alive, because of 456. that crazy man who supposedly had played the games before. if it wasn't for him pulling you behind his back, you would've left the premises in a cardboard box. especially because you fucking sneezed as soon as the doll turned back.

since then, you've decided you don't want to play this game anymore. 456 has been desperately trying to change the other's mind— but they're greedy and insistent. you pressed the cross for his sake, and for the others, and for yourself. hell, you can live in debt, but what use is that money if you die trying? you're not that much of a hard worker. you value your life above anything else.

you walk over to their team— 456, and his two loud team members. another man is sitting there— player 001. the one who ruined your chance of going home on the first vote. he seems ordinary, but you know of him because you saw him beat the shit out of thanos. that was another reason you decided to abandon that team— you could not be seen with a bully, or a loser. as you approach him, you give him a slight nod of acknowledgement, which he returns. you turn your attention to 456, and thank him profusely for what he did for you. he's kind, you'll give him that. you like kind people.

"if you don't mind me asking—" a voice interrupts, and you look over your shoulder. it's player 001. he looks at you curiously. "how old are you?"

"old enough." you retort cheekily. he doesn't look amused as he cocks his head to the side.

"i'm curious as to why a little kid like you would compromise herself for money."

that shuts you up. you're offended, to say the least. who is he to call you a little kid? the entire team also looks on, seemingly baffled. the question makes sense. you're sure you're the youngest out of all players. and people can tell because you look it too. you don't really know how to respond, so you just look on with a frown, mouth opening and closing like a fish.

"forgive me—" he lets out an awkward chuckle, "i didn't mean it the wrong way. i'm just worried."

you give him an uneasy smile, rubbing the back of your neck. the others go back to their conversations, and you shrug. he shoots a glance towards gi-hun before sitting back down and shifting slightly, as if making room for you. you take a seat beside him. there's silence before he glances at the symbol on your jacket— the cross.

"i'm sorry." he says with a small smile, looking straight ahead, "you wanted to go home but you had to continue because of me. i put a kid in danger."

"i'm not a kid," you huff softly, straightening up, "i'm twenty. but yeah, you should be sorry."

you give him a small smile to ensure he knows that the last line is lighthearted. he seems to understand and returns it.

"dont worry about it," you sigh, fiddling with the zip of your jacket, "im sure you had your reasons. just like i have mine for coming here."

"and your parents?" he asks. he's so polite, it warms your heart. polite and soft spoken. and visibly tough. probably some officer, you think, judging by his skills you previously saw.

"that's what i need the money for." you sigh, leaning back against the bunker. "i need enough money to establish myself. continue my studies. bring my mom and my sister to come live with me. settle off my father's debts because he's a coward who decided to pass down his sins onto his daughter."

he raises his eyebrows, and you take a sharp breath. there's a moment of silence between you two— you think for a moment, and feel your eyes get slightly glassy. you're not going to cry in front of a stranger. you put on a brave face. "if i die here, my mother—"

he stares at you silently, before putting a comforting hand on your shoulder, interrupting your cursed sentence. "you'll make it out alive."

the doors open, and the staff comes in again. they reveal the number of players left, showcase the money that each person would get, and then the voting starts again.

this time, player 001 doesn't disappoint you. he goes first, and clicks on the cross. the hope it gives you eventually shatters as more and more players begin to vote in favour of continuing the game. you see 456 get increasingly agitated as he begins to make his way towards the front of the crowd. before he can speak, he's interrupted.

001's voice rings out loud and authoritative, and worried. he reprimands the voters in favour, calls them out on their selfishness.

"we'll all die if we keep playing!" he chastises the crowd urgently. "you have to survive first, or there won't be a next step—"

"there's no next step for us!" he's interrupted by player 100. a stout old man who had been at odds against 456 since the start— you remember him having 10 billion won in debt. it makes you snicker. he eggs on the crowd. "with that money, we won't be able to pay our debts. we need to play one more game, then the money will increase to 240 million. with that we can pay atleast a little of our debts! isn't that right!?"

"you're going to die trying!" you snap, making your way to the front of the crowd. you glare at player 100, at all his little supporters cheering at the back. "your greed is going to get you killed. how can you be so confident to say that you'll survive the next game? what if you die?"

"you shut up, young lady!" he hisses, mouth scrunching bitterly. "is that how you speak to your elders? your brain is too small to comprehend real life problems. we can't continue with our lives with that little money!"

"continue your lives?" a laugh bubbles out of your throat. "look at that greying head of yours, you barely have a life ahead of you! why don't you let us live ours?!"

that seems to have ticked him off, because he quite literally turns red as he takes a threatening step towards you.

"what did you just say?"

"i said—" you step forward, shooting him a challenging glare, "you're too old to be playing children's games. vote wisely and let us go home."

he lets out a snarl before trying to lunge at you, but you're pulled back as player 001 steps between the two of you. like a wall. he looks at the old man, eyes cold, his voice low. "that's enough."

since the incident with thanos, nobody has really tried anything with 001. it's obvious enough they're intimidated by him, and they don't want to be on the receiving end of his wrath. 100 doesn't either, with the way he collects himself and steps back, embarrassed. you look over 001's shoulder, make eye contact with the old man and shoot him a taunting smile. you know it's childish, but you've resented him from the start.

before the old man can say anything, player 001 drags you to the side where you can't argue with people anymore. and the voting continues.

"you can't talk to people like this," he says lowly, gaze focused on the crowd. staring at something that you can't figure out. "you never know what they might do."

you huff bitterly. you know what he means.

"i don't care. i fucking hate bullies."

"potty mouth." he chastises, but theres a smirk on his face. he's teasing. you chuckle.

"remember you need to get out of here alive." he repeats, looking at you with an intensity that is almost terrifying. "you can't do that if you keep this up."

"jeez, okay dad." you joke, rolling your eyes. your words make him smile lightly.

"thanks for having my back there." you tell him sincerely. he looks at you for a bit before nodding in acknowledgement.

the voting ends, and they announce that the games will continue tomorrow. it makes your heart drop.

that night, you feel uneasy when you try to sleep. your clothes stick to your skin, and the side of your face keeps itching. with an irritated grumble, you get off the bunker and walk over to your new friend's side. you squint your eyes before looking for 001— and when you find him, you gently shake him.

"are you sleeping?" you whisper.

he opens his eyes, wincing slightly before sitting up. his voice is hushed as he responds, "not anymore. what is it?"

you bite your lower lip nervously before reluctantly asking, "will you go to the restroom with me? i'm kinda scared to go alone."

he blinks at you, confused. you continue out of sheer desperation.

"those guards just stare weirdly with their weird little masks and it makes me nervous." you hope your voice doesn't shake as you speak. "last time one of them kept knocking on the door while i was in the washroom and it just— scared the shit out of me. and my face is itching and i really need to go. please?"

he listens patiently. for a moment you think he'd decline but he just sighs and nods, and you cheer just a little as he steps out and follows you to the door. you bang on it, loudly telling the guards that you need to go. one of them opens the sliding window, and then immediately opens the door. it makes you feel strange, because usually it takes a lot more effort to convince them. either way, you're grateful.

you know your better option would've been to take one of the girls with you, but the sad fact is you haven't had the chance to get friendly with any of the female players yet. and for some reason, player 001 makes you feel a sense of safety and security that is almost strange— you feel at ease around him.

"i'll be in the men's room," he tells you, and you nod. he shoots a glance to the guard standing outside the women's restroom before walking away. you quickly go inside, and the first thing you do is splash water on your face.

you quickly clean the blood off your skin, holding back the urge to cry. you scrub at your cheeks till you're sure you can scratch the itch away for good. your nails dig a little too deep, and a little blood oozes out of the scratches on the side of your face. you clean that too, and then try to scrub the splatters of blood off your t-shirt. it's white, and you have no soap— so the stains remain. a faint reminder. you take your time, and anticipate the knocking— but it never comes.

you look in the mirror, at your tired face and sunken eyes, before giving yourself a nod and stepping out. 001 is waiting for you outside, looking to the side. he gives you an odd look as you step out, before walking alongside you.

"are you alright?" he asks gently, concerned. kind as ever.

you look at him again, give him a nod. "thank you."

when you two reach the room, he returns the smile with one of his own.

as you make your way to the bunker, he grabs your shoulder, "why don't you start sleeping on our side?" he says quietly, "join the team. there's a bed near mine. you won't feel so scared that way."

you blink, trying to see his face in the darkness. the offer is enticing— and most of all, it warms your heart.

"really?" you ask hopefully.

"really." he says kindly.

you follow him to the bunker, and he covers the railing with his hand to avoid you getting hurt as you bend down to get into the bed. he looks at the slightly wet patches on your shirt— blinks before getting a bedsheet and putting it over you. "get some sleep. we got a game to play tomorrow."

you smile softly at him. as he turns to get into his own bed, you grab his hand. it's warm against yours— big and rough. you don't allow your mind to drift that way. it's not right. he looks at you, gaze questioning.

"thanks again," you say softly, "it means a lot to me."

he leans down a little to ruffle your hair before going back to his bed and laying down. you close your eyes and drift to sleep— unaware that he stays up, thinking.

breakfast is boring— bread and milk. you sit on the bed, scowling. player 456 is surprised as he sees you there, before you two share understanding smiles. you bow a little and he bows back before going along with his friend. 001 comes to sit by you then, munching on his own breakfast.

"i miss home," you mumble, "how am i supposed to survive on just this? it's not even chocolate milk."

001 laughs, "don't worry, you can have whatever you want once you get out of here."

"will i?"

he looks at you, raising his eyebrows. you take his silence as a cue to continue, "im scared i'll die in here."

he looks down, before shifting to be closer to you. "you made it this far, didn't you?"

you look at him, voice getting shaky. "and what if i dont make it till the end? what if i die here and my family thinks i abandoned them? i don't want to die. i haven't even lived my life yet."

his expression is hard to read. "you'll make it out of here alive," he tells you with conviction, "ill make sure of it."

your lips wobble as you stare at him, and he smiles before poking you in the nose. "finish your food. you need the energy for the next game. we'll make it out alive, then we'll try to get the voters on our side and go home. sound good?"

you snort, rolling your eyes before nodding. "sounds good."

he gives you his bread then, tells you to eat more. when you protest, he sends a warning glare your way— the one with a quirked eyebrow and a knowing gaze. you roll your eyes, and happily eat it.

you were hungry. perhaps he can tell things like that. you're just grateful.

today, you decided to be a little rebellious. when you first joined the games, you used to spend a long time in the bathrooms— analyzing, looking for a way out. during that time, you'd discovered that one of the screws in the ceiling vent was loose. you hadn't really bothered checking it before, but since it's daytime and you have some time before the next game, you decide to explore.

your hairclip works— the screws were not tightly fixed, so it unscrewed easily. you'd contemplated checking it out last night, but you didn't want to take any risks, especially since player 001 was with you. so now whatever you do, the responsibility will be yours.

when the bathroom gets empty and all the women leave, you pull it down and try climbing up. it's moments like these that you can pride yourself on your agility— work that usually required two people, you could do alone. with one leg on the flush and the other on the top of the cubicle, you climbed up, scratching the side of your arm slightly before finally getting in the vents. you groaned to yourself, and then started crawling inside. there were two ways to go— you chose the left one. you looked down, trying to understand the layout of the place where you were practically held hostage. you keep crawling, making sure not to make too much noise before finally seeing a place through the gaps that you hadn't seen before— you carefully remove the screws and pull it apart.

the place looks empty. the walls are all sorts of pink and green. you put your head down and look both ways, seeing a door at the end of the hallway. carefully, you climb down and lower yourself to the ground with a thump. your shoulder hurts a little. you stand up, and aim for the door. as soon as you begin walking, you hear footsteps. it's as if someone splashed cold water on you— you realize the grave mistake you just made. guards walk here with guns, and you made the impulsive decision to explore a dangerous place like this by yourself?

you look around, running towards the other end of the hallway. the footsteps get louder, and as you look over your shoulder, something grabs you. out of reflex, you go to scream, but a hand clamps down on your mouth, and your back collides with a hard chest.

"shh, it's me." the voice hisses. your wide eyes look up, scared, before realizing who it is.

player 001.

your chest heaves as you break out into a sweat, a tear rolling down your cheek. he keeps you in a tight hold, looking to the side, your breath dampening his hand. the footsteps suddenly become faint, as if walking away. your breaths sync together, and after a moment, he relaxes.

he takes his hand off your mouth before harshly twisting you to face him. his voice is hushed but angry, "what were you thinking?!"

"what are you doing here?" you whisper shakily at the same time.

"everyone was back in the room except you. i came to find you!" he chides, eyes hard. he shakes you slightly, "do you really plan to get killed like this? is this how you want to die? can you go one moment without being a reckless brat—"

his words make you want to cower in on yourself.

"i wanted to find a way out." you try to sound assertive, but your voice betrays you. your words come out panicked, "I wanted to help and— fuck— i got you in trouble too— you shouldn't have come looking for me! fuck— how are we gonna make it out of here?"

he sighs, squeezing his eyes shut before looking at you tiredly. "the game is about to start. we'll mix in with the crowd when they leave, i doubt they'll notice."

"are you sure it'll work?" you ask. you hear a faint announcement. the game is about to start.

he looks up at the speakers, alert. he grabs you tightly and drags you away with an air of confidence. "let's go."

you don't encounter any guards on the way back. it's strange, but you figure it's because they're all preparing for the next game. player 001's plan worked, because you two mixed in with the crowd, and the guards didn't notice. one of them turned back to look at you, and you panted, staring back at him. your heart raced, but you felt the presence of 001 next to you, and you felt at ease again. the guard looked away.

"i told you to stop being reckless." he says quietly, looking at 456 and 390, before looking back at you. your legs hurt from climbing so many stairs. "what would you have done if they found you?"

you swallow the lump in your throat, staring up at him intensely, eyes glassy. he saved your life. "i guess you stopped that from happening."

he clenches his jaw, his gaze flickering up and down your face before looking away. "i won't always be there to save you."

you look away, heart dropping. "thank you, 001."

"call me young-il."

you look up at him, blinking back tears, quirking an eyebrow as you two walk. "only if you allow me to add 'sir' at the end of it."

he chuckles, eyes crinkling. he has such a nice laugh. "why's that? respect?"

you nod, giving a little bow. "respect is very important in my culture as well. so thank you for saving my life, young-il sir."

he grins a little and pats your head. you thank him again, and decide you like him enough. so you tell him your name.

he tests it on his tongue, and you quite like the way he says it.

the next game had to be the most terrifying so far.

it was called mingle, and you had to run to the rooms in groups according to the number announced. things like these were where you got scared— where you had to group with people. in dangerous situations, you know people usually only look out for two types of people— themselves, and the ones dearest to them.

you were not dear to anyone here. you really should've interacted with more people.

the platform rotates, before the number is announced. six. your eyes widen and you frantically look around, but young-il is faster. he grabs you and drags you to the room with the rest of the team. you pant as the 30 seconds pass, and then look out the window in the door to see how many people were left— quite a few. your eyes widen as the red guards move forward with their guns raised.

young-il leaps forward and covers your eyes with his hand before pulling you into himself as the gunshots ring out— you flinch and shudder at every single one, breathing sharp and your entire frame trembling violently. when there is silence and the doors open, you look up. young-il gently lets go of you, looking around. he's panting too, and you look at him with the most crushed look on your face before he meets your gaze. he can tell what you want to know— why would you do that?

"you shouldn't have to see all this." he says quietly, adjusting his jacket and putting a little distance between you two. 456 pats your shoulder and makes sure people are okay before moving out. you just look at young-il for a while, but he simply looks around, seemingly lost in thought. as if fighting a war within himself. you wish you knew how to reassure him like he did with you, but you realize you barely know anything about him.

the entire floor is painted with blood. the sight makes you want to vomit. you walk carefully, but your foot slips in someone's blood and you begin to fall over. 456 catches you. "are you alright?"

instinctively, your gaze tries to find young-il but he's standing away. his head is lowered.

"yes, thank you." you give 456 a smile, before assuming your place on the platform again.

you play a few more rounds. you're lucky enough to have someone to team with each time— young-il and 456 don't let go of you even once. but then the voice runs out again, and they announce the number 3. this time, 456 is dragged along with the old woman and her son. you look around frantically, and meet young-il's panicked gaze with your own. you begin to run towards him, but two people grab you and drag you towards one of the rooms.

thanos and nam-gyu. you shriek at them, clawing at their arms and trying to run back out. what if young-il doesn't make it? what if something bad happens?

this time, you have no one to cover your eyes or ears. thanos and nam-gyu talk shit within themselves, and you look outside the little window, flinching with every gunshot ringing out, trying to pinpoint if it's young-il's body falling to the ground. you can't help the light sob erupting from your throat, and thanos chooses the wrong moment to come bother you.

"watcha looking for, señorita?" he laughs, poking your side, "is it your old man? did he finally—"

you turn to him and punch him in the face. he falls back and groans dramatically, rubbing the blood running down his nose. nam-gyu rushes to his rescue, giggling. they're both high as a kite. the doors open, and you rush out before they can bother you further.

you look around. 456 is with the rest of the team, but you can't find young-il. frantically, you look towards the dead bodies, heart pounding against your chest and head throbbing. suddenly, there's cheers from your team, and you look up to see young-il walking over with a bright grin on his face.

you don't know what compelled you to do it. you were acting on your emotions— overwhelmed by the relief you felt on the sight of his face. before you can even stop, you're dashing towards him and crashing into his body, wrapping your arms tightly around him.

he's shocked, that much is obvious by the way he tenses slightly. but then he returns the hug, wrapping his arms around you and placing one hand on your head, gently patting. "i told you we'd make it."

you choke on a soft sob, nodding, burying your head further into his chest, as if ready to climb inside him, "i thought you—"

he shushes you softly, voice gentle as he runs a hand through your hair. you can feel his heart racing against his chest too. you wonder if it's for the same reasons as you. "i'm okay."

you wish the game ended there. but there was one more round to go. as you rotated on the platform— the moment you were dreading finally happened as young-il predicted it. the number announced was two.

you were ready to die there. things seemed to happen in slow motion— 456 took his best friend 390, 149 was dragged by her son. you didn't get the chance to see who took who next, because young-il had grabbed your hand and was dragging you towards one of the rooms. there were only fifty rooms— the first one you two got to was taken. he dragged you to another with a mere ten seconds left.

you sighed in relief as you got in, before seeing another man was already there. he was shaking in fear, and you jumped at the harshness of young-il's voice when he ordered him to get out. when the other player refused, young-il lunged at him and put him in a headlock.

your eyes widened and you stepped forward, panic stricken but he looked right at you and called your name, "close your eyes!"

you flinched. you looked at the man, then at young-il, before squeezing your eyes shut. you slid to the floor, pulling your knees to your chest as soon as you heard a 'crack' before opening your eyes.

the player was dead. young-il cracked his neck.

the timer finished at that exact moment, and young-il crawled over to you before pulling you into his chest. the gunshots rang out, and you flinched, sobbing.

young-il killed someone.

"i had to do it," he whispered against your hair, holding your head against his chest, "we both have to make it out alive. i had to do it. you know that right?"

you wanted to believe him, you really did. but in that moment, you felt scared of him for the first time.

the doors opened, and the game finished.

while you wanted to revel in your victory, the incident during mingle had rattled you to your core. the others checked up on you, especially 388 and 456. young-il maintained some distance. you could feel like he thought it's what you wanted. but you could really use his comfort. you just don't know how to talk to him again without being nervous. you force yourself to relive your previous interactions with him— he's still the same young-il who has saved you and comforted you countless times.

he did what he had to do to ensure your survival. that wasn't something you could hold against him. not when both of your lives were on the line.

the voting this time was just as challenging. you made your way to the front of the crowd, praying that they'd choose wisely this time. you need to go home.

one of the players in the old man's team showed you the finger before clicking the 'o' button. the action made your eye twitch, and you grit your teeth before straightening up to attack that guy and scratch his face off, but a hand to your chest held you back.

if looks could kill, young-il's glare could've sent that guy home in a body bag. as the votes in favour of continuing the game increased, you pushed his hand off you and addressed the crowd, "have you all lost your fucking minds?!"

their chitter chatter stopped and they looked at you. you clench your jaw, "after losing so many people out there you still want to play? what the fuck is wrong with you people? are human lives that invaluable to you?"

player 100 steps forward, insufferable as always. "don't you see how much money we're getting for each person? it could settle our debt! we can't give up after how far we've come."

"you're gonna die!" you snap, pointing at him, "you could take this money and go home and be happy instead of risking your life for something that is not assured to you! why won't you listen?! i want to go home!"

the others in favour of terminating the game start chanting with you, a string of 'i want to go home' echoing across the room.

player 100 glares, urging his own team to chant against you. he looks towards young-il, yells something along the lines of, "look after your fucking kid!" before the barell of a gun presses against the back of your head. the whole room freezes, and so do you.

"disruptions against a democratic vote will not be excused." the robotic voice calls out. for a second you think this is it. you look at young-il. if you die here, you'd prefer the man who saved your life to be the last person you see. he glares at the guard, his jaw clenching. the guard lowers the gun and steps back and you let out a breath of relief.

you immediately saunter over to him, gritting your teeth. the vote is a tie— and they announce the next voting to be held tomorrow.

456 says there's about to be a fight. the rest of the team got busy setting up a barricade— and you didn't get the chance to talk to your player. you knew his concern though, when he made sure to especially hide your side of the bed with two mattresses.

you play with the hem of your shirt as you sit in your bed by your lonesome. your food sits by you, untouched. you dont feel like eating. the weight on the bed shifts, and young-il appears into view.

"you're not eating."

you swallow the lump in your throat. "i don't feel like it."

he contemplates, eyes lowered before he looks at you again. "im sorry you had to witness that. I don't want you to be scared of me."

you want to cry. "im not." you whisper, "you.. you had to do what you had to do. to save us."

he blinks, nodding.

"back there, i thought that was it. it's over." you chuckle bitterly. "but you saved me again. you acted on impulse. i could never resent you for it."

your eyes are bloodshot as you look at him again. fat tears roll down your cheeks, and he frowns. he sighs before leaning closer, brushing the tears away. "why are you crying?"

"i wouldn't have survived this far if it wasn't for you." you whisper, voice cracking. "promise me you wouldn't abandon me. promise me you won't die."

his gaze softens. he's silent for a bit, his hand coming to rest on your knee, "i promise."

you sniffle, wiping your tears away. a small smile appears on your face, "i punched thanos."

"thanos?" he frowns, confused before raising his eyebrows in recognition, "ah, the loud kid with the purple hair?"

you nod proudly. "he said something like 'did 001 finally die?' so i punched him."

he laughs heartily— face scrunching cutely, eyes crinkling. he shakes his head fondly before ruffling your hair again. "attagirl."

it makes you blush slightly and you smile, looking down at your lap. he grabs your dinner— the roll sitting next to you and unwraps it, taking out a piece before holding it out, "eat."

you snort before leaning forward and taking a bite. he looks at you for a while with that faraway look in his eyes, before wordlessly continuing to feed you the rest. the words go unsaid. 'what are we doing? why are we so comfortable with each other?'

some sauce sticks to the corner of your mouth. he raises his hand to hold your chin, his thumb gently wiping it off. your breath hitches.

neither of you protest when his thumb brushes across your bottom lip, gaze focused on it like he's hypnotized. he's thinking, mindlessly feeling the plush texture of it.

you've always been impulsive. especially in situations where you shouldn't be. it happens so naturally— how your lips part just slightly. and maybe he's impulsive too, because his thumb slips inside, and his breath hitches as soon as your lips wrap around his thumb.

his gaze raises to meet yours— and you blink almost dazedly. his thumb presses down on your tongue, and he calls out your name in the softest voice.

"i'm too old for you." he whispers, shaking his head in disapproval.

your eyes flutter, and you lean forward, grabbing hold of his wrist. he pulls his thumb out, and you almost whine in protest. to your utter delight, he replaces it with two of his fingers, and your eyes almost roll back as you crawl forward till you're situated on his lap, mouth stuffed with his index and middle finger. you suck on them enthusiastically. they're long and thick and perfect and you don't want them out of your mouth ever again. it elicits a soft moan out of him— and if you could put that sound on repeat for the rest of your life, you'd be happy.

he pulls his fingers out and grabs the back of your head, pulling you close till your foreheads press together. you try to lean forward, to capture his lips with your own. he chuckles slightly, eyes closed, playfully rubbing his nose against yours. you whine.

"so impatient." he whispers, and then his lips are colliding with yours. it would be embarrassing if someone were to catch you two like this— more so for him than for you. thankfully, the others are busy strategizing for the night, and are not looking for either of you.

you moan softly and he bites down on your bottom lip, allowing his tongue to slip into your mouth. it's desperate and reckless and so full of spit— it makes you whimper into his mouth and he pulls you further into himself, as if telling you to shut up. his experience is obvious in the way he kisses, and you follow his lead. unknowingly, your hips start gently grinding against his thigh, and he lets out a soft hiss. he pulls away slightly, strings of saliva connecting your mouths. he licks it away.

"come on, sweetheart," he whispers, one hand coming down to help your hips grind against his thigh, "make yourself feel good— that's it, that's my good girl."

you moan softly, and his free hand clamps your mouth shut. he speeds his movement, clenching and unclenching the muscle of his thigh, guiding your hips to move faster against his lap. it's been so long since you've masturbated— and this is unarguably the hottest situation you've ever been in, with the hottest man you've ever seen. so you're already close. you cry out into his hand, your voice muffled. he understands what you mean and lets you move on your own speed then, pulling your head into the crook of his neck as he whispers soft words of praise into your ear.

the moment he calls you his good girl again, you cum. he muffles the sound with his hand, squeezing his eyes shut before he looks at you intensely. you collapse against him, slightly sweaty, your hands holding onto his shoulders as you cling to him. he runs his hand through your hair, breathing sharply. it's a small moment of bliss in the hell you've found yourself in.

soon, the lights go out, and dread settles in your stomach once you feel his body tensing. player 388 pulls one of the mattresses back slightly, hisses a quick "get under the bed!"

and the next game begins.

A/N: this was incredibly fun to write. i love writing him a little soft and fatherly, so deal with it. i might write a part 2 for this, if anyone wants that. this idea has been in my head for a while. i love him so, so much. this fic is my baby and i truly hope you guys like reading it as much as i liked writing it.

tags! @carolinevoight @lovers-roq @wildtigerlili @menabuser16 @deadlyobsessivfennec @watasinekoru @hanakokunzz @cowuies

#raven writes #frontman x reader #the frontman x reader smut #squid game x reader #hwang inho x reader #young-il x reader #squid game fanfic #lee byung hun x reader #the salesman x reader #player 001 x reader #frontman x you

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