#but also maybe more posts are reading as serious venting than I mean as such? cuz I sillily post about minor annoyances all the time

[thornshadowwolf]

You're such a crybaby lmao

What is this even about

[lucky-clover-gazette]

kings rising highlights & annotations

chapter 3

indented text is from the book. some quotes have commentary, some do not. some comments are serious, and some are definitely not. most of them will only make sense to people who have read the series. and, like, there are spoilers. so please read the books first if you're interested!

also: part of the reason i'm doing such a close reading is to study cs pacat's style, especially in terms of how she does romance and erotica. there are "craft notes" that might seem weird, like i'm being redundant or restating something rather than analyzing, but those are more things that i want to remember/take away from the writing!

i'm going to tag these longer posts with "sam reads capri" in case anyone wants to read them all at once.

this is a google doc i wrote with overall content warnings for the captive prince series. it's not perfect, but i do think it's important to include.

The Regent’s forces were rivers of darker red, driving inroads into their lines, mingling their armies together, like a stream of blood hitting water, then diffusing.

He killed, and it was simply that men got out of his way, or were dead.

He had grown used to something that had been temporary, like the flash of exhilaration in a pair of blue eyes for a moment catching his own. All of that tangled together inside him, and tightened, through the killing, into a single hard knot.

something about the way this is written just hits me in the abandonment issues

‘If the Prince of Vere shows himself, I will kill him.’ Nikandros half spat the words.

nik private twitter venting moment #2

The ground was wet, his legs were mud-spattered above his knees—mud in dry summer, because the ground was blood.

i don’t know man i feel like after a point you have to just be like. hey. why are we doing this again? like yeah i get that fighting in a military force can be for A Cause but unless you’re directly involved in enacting ideological change, aren’t you basically just cannon fodder

On the far side of the field, he saw the flash of embroidered red. That is how Akielons win wars, isn’t it? Why fight the whole army, when you can just—

i’m guessing the part in italics in a previous laurent line, about damen killing auguste at marlas?

He used the little name that Damen had been called as a boy; the childhood name, reserved for intimates.

the fact that is was kastor specifically asking the veretians to call him that…

Damen realised that he was on his knees, his own chest heaving like the chest of his horse.

laurent’s horse will be glad to know that damen’s horse lived. because, as we all know, they’re in love

‘Over?’ The word grated out of him. All he could think was that if the Regent still lived, nothing was over.

it is interesting how, even when he thinks laurent screwed him over (see previous chapter), damen has this uncontrollable rage towards the regent rather than laurent. i think this has more to do with the regent killing his men and trying invade his country, though. and maybe just that it’s easier to hate him than laurent. “regent = bad” is something that’s easy for damen to comprehend right now, while laurent’s whole thing is a lot more confusing and intimate

And with returning awareness, he saw as if for the first time the bodies of the men that he had killed to get to the Regent’s decoy, and beyond that, the evidence of what he had done. The field was a rutted earthworks strewn with the dead. The ground was a churned mess of flesh, ineffective armour and riderless horses. Killing ceaselessly, for hours, he had not been aware of the scale of it, of what he had caused to happen here. He saw flashes behind his eyelids, faces of the men he’d killed. Those left standing were all Akielon; and they stared at Damen as at something impossible.

damen holy shit… i guess that’s one way to reclaim your authority. and he didn’t even mean it as a sign of intimidation, he just wanted to get to the “regent.” who by the way was just some random guy RIP

‘Find the highest-ranked Veretian still living and tell them they have leave to bury their dead,’ said Damen. There was a fallen Akielon banner on the ground beside him. ‘Charcy is claimed for Akielos.’ As he rose, Damen wrapped his hand around its wooden pole and planted it in the earth.

not sure if calling it an akielion victory despite the combined forces is just customary, or intentionally out of spite. i’m leaning on the former, since it’s damen and not laurent we're talking about

The herald came cantering across the devastated landscape on a white, glossy mare with a curved neck and a high, flying tail. Beautiful and untouched, he made a mockery of the sacrifice of the brave men on the field. His banner streamed out behind him, and its blazon was Laurent’s starburst, in blue and shining gold.

here is an excerpt from a post i made while reading king’s rising for the first time:

“damen when he realizes he’s not in a slow burn romance with problematic beginnings, but a complex psychological thriller in which the smartest fictional character i have ever personally encountered has decided to make his life a living hell and also they’re in love with each other but the psychological thriller stuff is way more important to his bitchy blonde nightmare malewife and he is SO down bad and just has to deal with laurent’s mean girls 4d chess petty nonsense bc it’s enrichment for him and damen will kill anyone who gets in laurent’s way and he can’t even pick up the very very VERY clear implications of laurent’s trauma that would probably allow them to reach some kind of vulnerability equilibrium in their relationship”

on a re-read, i think this is a great time to dig into that a little more ;)

SO what i love about so much of laurent’s choices in the next few chapters is the fact that much of what he says and does is entirely petty. like, yes there’s always strategy and trauma and depth as usual, but i think it’s not denying him depth to say that he is 20 years old, this is his first love in the midst of an extremely stressful and messy situation, and despite his own wishes he cannot prevent his emotions from affecting his actions. laurent has had control over so much of the situation with damen thus far, both with the power dynamics between them as master and “slave” and the fact that damen didn’t know that laurent knew who he was. but now laurent knows that damen knows, so all of his previous and future actions are going to be under damen’s scrutiny in that context. they’re equals now, and the secrets reinforcing laurent’s prior cognitive dissonance have dissolved. that leaves laurent vulnerable (especially after being tortured and genuinely letting damen down even if by accident) and emotional compromised (he has no choice but to see damen as damianos, and with that comes all of the auguste baggage and the fact that they’ve already fallen in love and had sex under different circumstances).

all that is to say, the next few chapters are laurent’s mean girls era. he is, again, still being smart and strategic (4d chess), and his feelings are valid and his trauma is real. however, he is also just being MEAN, for the same reasons classic high school movie mean girls tend to be: he feels insecure and vulnerable about his romantic attachment to damen, stressed out by the insane amount of power he definitely should not have, and self-righteous about all the ways the world has conspired against him. regina george might have been the villain of the movie, but she was the hero of her own story. janis and cady methodically dismantled her life as a popular, powerful, and confident person. that’s why she got revenge with the burn book instead of looking inward and acknowledging her own issues, of which there were many. she had a machiavellian view of life, in which mean people always won, and so being mean in retaliation was how she could protect herself from being a victim.

that is laurent’s perspective too, for a lot of this series. we don’t know anything about regina’s backstory, or heather chandler’s (another great example), but we do know exactly why laurent has the worldview he does. he used to be sweet and it made him a victim. so he is mean to protect himself, even if that robs him of his sweetness. damen’s integrity and honor have challenged laurent’s worldview, though, and that has been the source of a lot of laurent’s slow reconsideration. but now that laurent can’t just pretend that damen isn't damianos, now that he has to accept this situation in its full interpersonal and political messiness, he isn’t nearly as inspired. laurent assumes, now that laurent has gone “mask off,” that damen will realize that laurent doesn’t deserve the love he has shown him in the past. because laurent has been mean to damen, by lying about his awareness even at the times damen thought he was being earnest and sweet. that makes damen a victim and fool—two things laurent deeply fears being, and therefore assumes everyone else also fears in themselves. two things the regent had wanted laurent to consider himself, by placing damen in his life in the first place.

therefore, in his insecurity and vulnerability and anger, as a 20 year old just experiencing his first love, as someone with a lot of power and stress who cannot waste time or energy on genuinely confronting his own flaws in good faith, laurent is gearing up to be sososososo mean to damen specifically in the next few chapters. like comedically mean. aimlessly mean. pathetically mean. on purpose. ultimately, if he must be alone (which he obviously must, says laurent's brain), laurent would rather be the villain of someone else’s story than a victim in his own. that, at least, is similar to book 1 laurent—but while he was a cat playing with a mouse in book 1, in a position to do serious damage to his opponent, now he’s more like…. a cat, slapping another cat. evenly matched, but still throwing hands. transparently insecure and pathetic, only effective in doing emotional damage in ways he doesn’t intend. damen isn’t hurt by the petty things laurent says and does, because he sees through them for what they are. he’s hurt because laurent sees them as necessary to protect himself and keep his distance, when all damen wants is to make things okay between them. which laurent would never expect, because he assumes that damen wants nothing to do with him, and would be happier and better off if they stayed apart.

basically: unstoppable force (damen's persistent caring) meets unmovable object (laurent's refusal to be genuinely cared for). the only way for this cycle to end is for damen to choose to stop, or for laurent to choose to yield. laurent will eventually make that choice, but he still has to be a huge bitch about it first. he's going to lash out at damen and challenge him to stop caring, but ultimately fail—both because damen is just built different, and because he's lowkey written as a fantasy partner for emotionally volatile people with attachment and abandonment issues.

rest assured, laurent’s genre is still psychological thriller, but it’s also now a high school drama movie. and damen is about to get a bitter taste of that, with pretty much no choice in the matter. this poor man will have to deal with laurent’s bitchy theatrics as they try to co-parent an army, and he’s already too emotionally invested and aware of laurent’s habit of lashing out when he’s in pain to genuinely fight back.

this could also be called laurent’s s1 catra era, but i’m not sure what the venn diagram of capri and she ra enjoyers looks like. to those who get it—laurent is doing what catra did at princess prom for the next several chapters, down to the “hey adora” = “hello lover.” this dynamic is very fun to read because it doesn’t overstay its welcome. it’s different from laurent in book 1, or catra in general, because it’s so clearly pathetic, damen and laurent are on the same side of the war, and damen could technically make it stop at any point. so i think it’s very very fun, while it lasts >:)

The herald reined in in front of him. Damen looked at the mare’s shiny coat, not dirt-covered, not heaving or darkened with sweat, and then at the herald’s livery, in immaculate condition, unflecked by the dust of the road. He felt it rising at the back of his throat. ‘Where is he?’

damen showed up to the prom laurent planned with him to unite their rival high schools, only to find himself dateless and laurent’s promised fancy party decorations missing. this is the moment where damen checks snapchat (i was in high school from 2013-2017) and sees everyone from vere high at their own immaculately-decorated prom, where laurent is being crowned king. little does damen know, laurent was blindsided by the vere-only prom and forced via social pressure to be there since everyone elected him prom king. they’re mad at each other for a high school drama pacing-typical period of time, and then make up when they realize the misunderstanding and reassert their dedication to each other.

laurent did still murder someone with a chair, though. but like a metal folding chair from the band room

The herald’s back hit the ground. Damen had dragged him bodily from his horse into the dirt, where he lay dazed and winded, with Damen’s knee in his stomach. Damen’s hand was around his neck.

His grip tightened before it opened enough to allow the herald to speak. The herald rolled onto his side and coughed as Damen released him. He pulled something from inside his jacket. Parchment, with two lines on it. You have Charcy. I have Fortaine. He stared at the words, written in familiar, unmistakable handwriting. I’ll receive you at my fort.

lamen hr complaint #5 (unnamed herald): ragdolling this guy over what should be impersonal, professional correspondence

also, because i can't help myself:

Fortaine eclipsed even Ravenel, powerful and beautiful, its towers high-flung, its jutting crenelles biting the sky. It rose to a sheer, impossible height and, from every vantage, it was flying Laurent’s banners. The pennants seemed to float on the air effortlessly, patterned silk in blue and gold.

WELCOME HOME, BROTHER KILLER

Rows upon rows of peaked, coloured tents were pitched on the field outside Fortaine’s walls, the sun lighting the pavilions, the banners, and the silks of a graceful encampment. It was a city of tents, and it camped a fresh, intact force of Laurent’s men, who had not fought and died through the morning. The constructed arrogance of the display was intentional. It said, exquisitely: Did you exert yourself at Charcy? I have been here examining my nails.

this is funny and i wouldn’t put it past laurent, but also i’m not sure if he like. really meant this part of it specifically to piss damen off. he was just tortured idk he probably just wanted things nice. a good part of the fun of lamen divorce era is remembering that damen’s interpretation of events isn’t necessarily accurate, and that it’s hilarious how he interprets things as petty personal slights even when they might not be. they’re both so obsessed with each other and it’s great

Nikandros reined in alongside him. ‘Uncle and nephew are alike. They send other men to do their fighting for them.’

nik tweets this verbatim on priv (#3)

Damen was silent. What he felt in his chest was a hardness like anger. He looked at the elegant silken city and thought about men dying on the field at Charcy.

but not exactly anger—betrayal? heartache? self-consciousness?

Some kind of herald’s greeting party was riding towards them. He gripped the Regent’s bloody, torn banner in his hand.

the phrase “greeting party” just made me imagine them rolling up with like confetti and a speaker blasting the celebration song. while damen holds the bloody torn banner

‘Just me,’ said Damen, and put his heels into his horse. About halfway across the field, he was met by the herald, who arrived with an anxious party of four attendants saying something urgent about protocol. Damen listened to four words of it. ‘Don’t worry,’ said Damen. ‘He’s expecting me.’

lamen hr complaint #6 (more unnamed heralds): disregarding protocol

(also “he’s expecting me” girlllll)

Without even pulling off his gauntlets, he strode to the tent. He knew its high scalloped folds; he knew the starburst pennant. No one stopped him. Not even when he reached the tent and dismissed the soldier at the entrance with a single order: ‘Go.’ He didn’t bother to see if his order was obeyed. The soldier let him through: of course he did; this had all been planned. Laurent was ready for him whether he came docilely behind the herald or, as he did now, the dirt and the sweat of the battle still on him, blood dried in the places where a cursory swipe with a cloth had not reached it. He swept the tent flap back with an arm, and stepped inside.

again i do have to question, beyond the drama, how much of this is as intentional and petty as damen thinks it is. like, the heralds literally cite protocol, damen knows this is the correct way for a camp to be run. i think he is assuming a lot here, although it’s reasonable to do so. we have seen in the past that damen assumes things of laurent that laurent is just like, “uh. not everything i do is on purpose” about, or damen is just WRONG about. i just wonder if damen’s approach here confirms things laurent was worried about (damen thinking poorly of him now that they’re on even ground), further fueling the fire of his rejection-sensitive bitchiness. not that it’s an excuse, or even undeserved, but it’s good to remember that there are two sides to the story.

like to damen, this is an angry post-battle rush of a moment to confront laurent and speak his truth (he doesn’t know laurent knows who he is), but to laurent this is like. post-torture and escape, and basically being thrown into the deep end of vulnerability with damianos and what this all implies to auguste’s memory. we’re not getting the best or most rational version of either of them right now, which is great for the drama but also makes the narration less reliable

This was the place Laurent had chosen.

right. damen thinks laurent chose this place to hear the truth about him, because the “you have charcy” note implies that at some point laurent probably figured out that damen is damianos. therefore laurent chose this occasion for them to meet each other, as they truly are by birth, for the first time. damen just doesn’t know the twist that laurent has always known who he’s been, and has chosen everything else before now with that knowledge too

There were a few furnishings, low seats, cushions, and in the background a trestle table hung with its own coverings, and set with shallow bowls of sugared pears and oranges. As though they were going to nibble at sweetmeats.

the same guy who ordered the “sorry you were given a severed head and discovered a suicide” fruit basket in prince’s gambit had to order a “sorry i gaslighted you for 2 books but not really because you also technically gaslighted me” fruit basket in kings rising

He lifted his gaze from the table to the exquisitely attired figure leaned with a single shoulder against the tent pole, watching him.

lucky number laurent lean #13!

Laurent said, ‘Hello, lover.’

It was not going to be simple.

this being the follow-up line to “hello lover” is such a good combination of funny and tension-building. like laurent’s cunty tableau immediately put out damen’s fiery righteous indignation and now he’s just like “oh this is going to suck.”

He made himself breathe through that. ‘Your men think you’re a coward. Nikandros thinks that you deceived us. That you sent us to Charcy, and left us there to die by your uncle’s sword.’ ‘And is that what you think?’ said Laurent. ‘No.’ Damen said, ‘Nikandros doesn’t know you.’

this is really a testament to pacat’s cleverness, how in chapter 1 there are a lot of moments where it’s almost like damen is directly saying he thinks laurent screwed him over—nikandros and the herald saying it and him not disagreeing, him accepting the reality that laurent is not going to show up—but he never does truly say that he thinks the abandonment was on purpose. because he didn’t, and he doesn’t, which makes sense. but he’s still angry and confused and also just concerned about how laurent is taking the “news” that he’s damianos. how much of damen’s anger about laurent’s composed appearance is projection of his anxiety about laurent seeing him as he truly is, a powerful authority figure in his own right who just won a battle against insane odds?

it’s so ambiguously written that it’s almost like pacat WANTS us to spiral. which i did, and will probably continue to do, so well-played. these books are like evil catnip to anxious overthinking theater people with attachment issues and an interest in understanding complex fictional situations to cope with the fact that real life never makes enough sense. also kinky gays but let's be real that's just a trojan horse for the other stuff

‘And you do.’ Damen looked at the arrangement of Laurent’s weight, the careful way he was holding his body. Laurent’s left hand was still casually resting against the tent pole. Deliberately, he stepped forward, and clasped Laurent’s right shoulder. Nothing, for a moment. Damen tightened his grip, and ground in with his thumb. Harder. He watched Laurent turn ashen. Finally, Laurent said, ‘Stop.’

proving that he knows laurent well enough to pick up from his posture alone exactly where he’s been injured. also they’re both so messy, like let’s put pressure on each other’s literal and figurative wounds instead of just talking about our misconceptions and feelings, awesome

He let go. Laurent had wrenched back and was clutching his shoulder, where the blue of his doublet had darkened. Blood, welling up from some newly bandaged, subterranean place, and Laurent was staring at him, his eyes oddly wide. ‘You wouldn’t break an oath,’ said Damen, past the feeling in his chest. ‘Even to me.’

damen proving to himself, and proving to laurent, that he knows that laurent didn’t screw him over, and instead was injured and failed to show up. laurent is shocked by how quickly damen picked up on this. also ow

He had to force himself back.

he doesn’t want to see laurent in pain, or know that he’s causing it :( which is especially unfortunate given the conversation they’re about to have about damen murdering laurent’s brother

Laurent didn’t answer. He still had a hand clutched to his shoulder, his fingers sticky with blood. Laurent said, ‘Even to you?’

“you wouldn’t break an oath, even to me” (“even to me” being a sort of freudian slip, meaning “i killed your brother, and i’ve known that this whole time and i haven’t told you, and you have a good reason to hate me for that”) “even to you?” (to damen’s incomplete understanding: “well i know who you are now, and if i’d known before i would have broken every oath to you i’ve ever made”)

He made himself look at Laurent. The truth was an awful presence in his chest.

babygirl it’s about to get so much awfuller

He thought of the single night they had spent together. He thought of Laurent, giving himself, dark-eyed and vulnerable, and of the Regent, who knew how to break a man.

damen totally sees laurent as his “victim” right now, set up well by him re-opening laurent’s physical wound. damen fucked this man while knowing that he (damen) killed his (laurent’s) brother, and put trust in him. if they were normal, or this was a normal story, that’s where the confrontation would end. it would be that simple—damen didn’t mean to hurt laurent but still did, and laurent has to forgive him for that, and forgive himself for being fooled—and then it would get tearfully resolved because they love each other so much that it doesn't matter. but they are not normal, and this is not a normal story, so…

Outside, two armies were poised to fight. The moment was here, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He remembered the Regent’s constant suggestion: Bed my nephew. He had done that, wooed him, won him. Charcy, he saw, hadn’t mattered to the Regent. It hadn’t meant anything. The Regent’s real weapon against Laurent had always been Damen himself.

damen thinks the regent’s plan had been to weaken laurent by putting him in circumstances where he’d unknowingly make himself vulnerable with his brother’s killer, triggering him emotionally and destroying his judgment. i'm pretty sure that this was basically his intention, but had also made sure that it would also torture laurent even if he did recognize damen on the spot.

personally i think the regent knew that laurent knew in book 1 through observing his reaction, but had planned for both possibilities in advance. what he hadn't expected, though, was for laurent and damen to start genuinely working together instead of against each other. this happens early as the thing with patras, and really pops off during the botched assassination attempt.

charcy was meant to drive a wedge between them, to correct the regent's previous miscalculation. and given the inevitable truth damen must now reveal, there's nothing he can really do to stop laurent from being upset.

‘I’ve come to tell you who I am.’ Laurent was so keenly familiar, the shade of his hair, the strapped down clothing, the full lips that he held tense or cruelly repressed, the ruthless asceticism, the unbearable blue eyes. ‘I know who you are, Damianos,’ said Laurent. Damen heard it, as the interior of the tent seemed to change, so that all of the objects in it took on a different shape. ‘Did you think,’ said Laurent, ‘I wouldn’t recognise the man who killed my brother?’

the way i YELLED during my first read. i remember even like posting something before, like “oh my god damen just tell him put this poor man out of his misery,” and then after i got to this part i immediately went and deleted that post

Each word was an ice chip. Painful, sharp; a shard. Laurent’s voice was perfectly steady.

do you think he practiced this?

‘I knew in the palace, when they dragged you in front of me,’ said Laurent. The words continued, steady, relentless. ‘I knew in the baths when I ordered you flayed. I knew—’

he definitely practiced this

‘At Ravenel?’ said Damen.

“you knew when you kissed me and let me fuck you????”

‘If you knew,’ said Damen, ‘how could you—’ ‘Let you fuck me?’ His own chest hurt, so that he almost didn’t notice the signs of it in Laurent, the control, the face, pale at any time, now white.

he almost didn’t notice the signs, which means he still totally did. because even now, damen is attentive and caring towards laurent

‘I needed a victory at Charcy. You provided it. It was worth enduring,’ Laurent spoke the terrible, lucid words, ‘your fumbling attentions for that.’

LIARRRRRRR

It hurt so much it took the breath from his throat. ‘You’re lying.’ Damen’s heart was pounding. ‘You’re lying.’ The words were too loud. ‘You thought I was leaving. You practically threw me out.’ He said it, as the realisation blossomed inside him. ‘You knew who I was. You knew who I was the night we made love.’

tbh i think this kind of realization would make me have a panic attack on the spot. also do you think this is the kind of betrayal he’s been trying so hard to avoiding confronting, coming from kastor and jokaste? but here he has no choice to confront it, because laurent is forcing him to understand the depths of the deception. no avoiding it now

He thought of Laurent surrendering, not the first time, but the second, the slower, sweeter time, the tension in him, the way he had— ‘You weren’t making love to a slave, you were making love to me.’

very true, but laurent isn’t ready to deal with it. he can’t keep up the cognitive dissonance in the present, but that doesn’t mean he’s about to accept that it was real in the past. instead he’ll just lash out.

And he couldn’t think that through clearly but he could catch a glimmer of it, a glimmer of the edge of it. ‘I thought you wouldn’t, I thought you’d never—’

OF COURSE damen suspected, at some points, that laurent knew. but this tells us that he’d ultimately dismissed the notion because it would have been insane for laurent to kiss and fuck him, while knowing his real identity. “i thought you wouldn’t, i thought you’d never—“

this is similar to how i thought about it during my first read—i suspected for all of book 1, and some of book 2, but then figured that the story was taking a different direction because how the hell could the plot points of “laurent knows who damen is” and “laurent makes himself vulnerable to damen and does a romance/sex about it” possibly be compatible? laurent, a deeply traumatized and self-protective person, wouldn’t and would never. except i underestimated laurent’s capacity for self-delusion, and overestimated the amount of control he truly has over his emotions and impulses, beneath all the posturing. damen, here, is recognizing that he’s made similar miscalculations, and now he’s seeing laurent as he truly is. they’re both seeing each other, truly, for the first time.

‘Laurent, six years ago, when I fought Auguste, I—’ ‘Don’t you say his name.’ The words were forced out of Laurent. ‘Don’t you ever say his name, you killed my brother.’

i like the simplicity of this. just the plainness of “you killed my brother.” laurent’s language is so often clever and cagey and embellished, but that last sentiment is raw and informal, and what we the reader are probably screaming in our heads. because yeah, holy shit, damen killed laurent’s brother. it’s a pretty hard thing to argue against, or ignore. “you lied to me” “you killed my brother” “you flogged me” “you killed my brother” “you forgot to do the dishes” “you killed my brother”

Laurent was breathing shallowly, almost panting as he spoke, his hands rigid on the edge of the table behind him.

his practiced words are saying one thing, but his body is very obviously having a panic attack. this scene isn’t nearly as much of a laurent mean girl moment as it seemed during a rushed first read. that’s actually kind of a relief to me, bc it made me sad to interpret him as so heartless and unfazed the first time around. even if “hello lover” is an iconic moment, it’s a performance more than anything else. and pacat shows us this sooner than i recalled or first perceived. she’s not torturing us, the reader, as much as she’s torturing both damen and laurent. and it’s not even like a lazy misunderstanding kind of torture, this is genuinely complicated and they’re both in the wrong and they both are justified in this pain and hurt. i just couldn’t see that as well the first time, having binged like all of book 2 already and having no idea what would happen next and honestly just being shocked and betrayed and compelled by the massive mislead with laurent’s awareness of the situation

‘Is that what you want to hear, that I knew who you were and I still let you fuck me, my brother’s killer, who cut him down like an animal on the field?’

you know he doesn’t, laurent, that’s just what you’re telling yourself now that you’re forced to confront it. you started this scene with “hello lover” and your prepared speech, hoping to destroy damen emotionally, but once again you’ve just kinda played yourself. maybe just cool it with the emotional gambits for now, when it comes to damen, bc they only really seem to come back and hurt you (oh fuck he can’t hear me)

‘Shall I ask you how you did it? What he looked like when your sword went in?’ ‘No,’ said Damen.

laurent, shaking, pale, looks like he’s about to pass out: “you bastard, tell me about how you murdered my brother as i think about the fact that i let you fuck me in a similar way, go ahead just make it hurt more”

damen, not a therapist but still emotionally intelligent enough to know this isn’t really about punishing him: no, i don’t think i will. can you like sit down

‘Or shall I tell you about the illusion of the man who gave me good counsel. Who stood by me. Who never lied to me.’ ‘I never lied to you.’

that italicized “i” is interesting. is it an accusation of laurent’s own lying and hypocrisy, or a specification that damen never directly told laurent he wasn’t damianos? given damen’s well-established integrity, i’m guessing it’s the first option. again with the mutual moral arbitration. and damen wouldn’t want to take such a weak a cop-out as “well i never technically said it,” it’s just not typical of his character.

The words were awful in the silence that followed them. ‘“Laurent, I am your slave”?’ said Laurent. He felt the breath forced out from his lungs.

of course laurent takes it as the second option, though, and implies that by swearing himself to laurent and then bedding him damen was directly lying about his identity. because to laurent, damen =/= damianos. a slave can’t be a prince. so damianos, the prince, must have been intentionally lying about being damen, the slave. and that’s actually easier, and less painful, and less complicated to accept than any kind of nuanced alternative.

‘Don’t,’ he said, ‘talk about it like—’ ‘Like?’ ‘Like it was cold-blooded; like I controlled it. Like we didn’t both close our eyes and pretend I was a slave.’ He made himself say the exposing words. ‘I was your slave.’

he’s right. nothing much to add here. damen wasn't just literally laurent's slave, he had devoted himself emotionally as well, and he's admitting it here despite the fact that it makes him vulnerable—something laurent is too much of a (traumatized, understandable) coward to do himself. i love damen's characterization so much

‘There was no slave,’ said Laurent. ‘He never existed. I don’t know what manner of man stands before me now. All I know is that I am facing him for the first time.’ ‘He is here.’ His flesh ached as if he had been prised open. ‘We are the same.’

this gives us some insight to laurent’s actions in book 1—not necessarily excusing them, but making them fit better into what we’ve since learned about his moral code. it ties things together, which isn’t the same as making them simpler or easier to like. pacat is very very VERY good at establishing continuous moral ambiguity in her characters, and does not rush the slow burn of making ends meet. so when she does eventually begin to connect things, it’s satisfying, because it hasn’t been all been spelled out the whole time so readers don’t have to think for themselves. this, in reference to a lot of the series’s more problematic themes, is exactly why i think people end up seeing capri as apologism or glamorization. but by claiming that, i also think they’re exposing themselves as impatient, shallow, and (sorry) simply lazy.

but i don't just want to be reductive and uncharitable, because that would be shallow and lazy too. to be perfectly clear, i honestly can't blame people for disliking this series, and not being willing or able to have patience and understanding for its more problematic elements. this series is marketed as romance/erotica. it started as indulgent kink fic. it ended up evolving into its current state during its development—and i'm really glad it did, but that doesn't change the fact that so much of its marketing and premise imply certain things that it doesn't quite deliver. and if you look up the series today, as it's still being published years after its completion, it's still marketed in a way i find somewhat misleading. to the extent that when i picked it up, it was in an intentional attempt to expand my own horizons—i wanted to challenge myself with indulgent shameless problematic porn/romance, as opposed to the weak-ass "enemies" to lovers running rival bakeries gay romance novels with canva covers that haven't worked for me in the past. the logic was basically, "well, if i don't like romance on that side of the scale, maybe i'll like the opposite extreme, or at least learn more about what i don't like." and i did feel pretty challenged during book 1, to the point that for a while i only kept reading out of morbid curiosity and vague horniness rather than any genuine expectation of depth or satisfying storytelling. it was only around the assassination scene in book 1 that i started to see the book as something capable of more depth and intrigue than just like kinky debauchery, and it pretty much just snowballed from there. and as someone who frequently reads about these dark topics in other genres and contexts, i was familiar enough with the things happening on the page to at least stomach them and push foward.

however, if i was coming at the series from a different place—like if i loved cozy romance and had very little familiarity with reading about these topics—i can see the first book especially being very blindsiding and distressing, and not wanting to engage with it further. that's not laziness, it just means that the book wasn't for me.

and the nuance doesn't end there. one of the things i love most about this series is that, even if i was just looking for shameless slavekink porn and decidedly did not want to rise to the occasion of depth or thematic exploration, i would also walk away unsatisfied. because the truly problematic shit in these books is not shameless at all, and indulgence never comes without a cost. there are a few distasteful moments that make me roll my eyes, and the garden scene definitely prompts a Conversation—but as a whole, i think pacat is very aware of the moral implications of these themes. and i also think she's perfectly aware of the fact that many people get off on them.

this series almost feels like an accidental study of, like, the psychological implications of being a person compelled by dub-con and problematic kink, finding a sort of gratification in situations where those things ar kind of inevitable (like they are for damen in book 1). AND this is made even more complicated and brave by the fact that laurent is, very relevantly, a victim of serious sexual assault. like, as hot as some of the scenes in this book are, i really don't think it makes itself easy for people to just uncritically get themselves off to. it doesn't encourage shame, but it does encourage introspection. and a lot of people simply don't read erotica and romance to introspect. (couldn't be me though. if it isn't clear, i love the laurent of vere "having insane mindfucking sex fully clothed across the room" approach to eroticism).

i feel like it's actually kind of funny that i specifically got here, as a person who almost always reads books that force dark introspection, and assumed that this erotica/romance book would be mindless, but ended up with gestures vaguely instead. for me, coming across this series and realizing what it truly is was an incredibly happy accident. but for others, i completely understand how it could be the exact opposite, and it's not lazy or shallow to realize that you misunderstood what you were getting yourself into and step away.

what is lazy and shallow, though, is to either DNF and review based on those misconceptions, or keep reading simply to fuel your own disdain and discomfort. ultimately, i think that the true error of people who walk into capri wanting shameless porn or untroubling romance is the fact that they keep reading, even when it becomes clear that the book isn't doing that. and then they decide to evaluate the book based on expectations and standards that aren't the ones the author or fans have for the work itself. people seem to take out their anger towards the SUBJECTS of slavery or rape in fiction themselves on capri, rather then the way capri specifically portrays them. either because they fucking stopped reading the book and just wanted to go on a tangent on the topics in general, or hate-read to confirm their own pre-existing bias.

my point is, nobody has to read things that trigger or upset them, and it's okay to just pass on fictional stuff that makes you feel bad or frustrated. aspects of this series made me feel bad and frustrated, even on re-read, but i enjoy the intellectual and emotional exercise of exploring those feelings and better understanding the true meaning and purpose of the art. but there are certain topics in other works of fiction that i'm unwilling to explore, which would cause me to simply stop reading, and if asked for a review i'd just say that i'm not the right person to say. and there have been many times where i've continued reading a book, hoping it would change directions, and ended up just being like, "yeah, that wasn't for me," and moving on.

the exchange "there was no slave, he never existed" "here is here, we are the same" is almost a meta-commentary on the reception of the series as a whole. it would be dishonest to deny how this series started, and some of the themes and subjects it intentionally confronts. you can't say "there was no slave [kink], [it] never existed" because the narrative proceeded to be more of a commentary on kink rather than an uncritical display of it. kink, and dark topics in fiction in general, do all have depth, and while they might not be for everyone, they are for someone. exploring that depth is entirely optional, and i understand why people with certain experiences don't want anything to do with that exploration. but our personal tastes don't change the fact that subjects like slavery and rape exist, and that reality is inseparable from the stories that come from it. ultimately, the choice is whether we're willing to take that specific reality thoughtfully on, or else just walk away.

the people i have the hardest time with are the ones who choose neither of those options. like, what do you even get out of continuing to read something that you're unwilling to explore in good faith, or that you straight-up hate? just read something else. we only have so much time in the day. stop wasting yours, and stop wasting the time of people who actually enjoy the thing with your useless bad-faith criticism. sorry this tangent has totally departed from the chapter itself, but that really is what pisses me off so much about current-day online book culture. like, i'm thinking about all of those smug-looking booktubers making 2 hour videos called "i read [name of book that doesn't appeal to the lowest common denominator of people] so you don't have to." i know how long it takes to read books thoughtfully, and then to write, film, and edit videos. maybe stop wasting your own time and dig into something you love instead, or even try to make your own thing, and just hope that some smug asshole on the internet doesn't decide to do to your work what you've done to other people's work. but no, lazy cynicism and appealing to the easy gimmick of cringe is way more profitable, i guess. and it makes you less vulnerable to people criticizing work that came from your soul, because the work you're creating is completely soulless.

anyway. i wonder what kind of totally normal things damen and laurent are up to in the chapter i'm annotating

‘Kneel then,’ said Laurent. ‘Kiss my boot.’

"if you really are still a slave, even though we both know you’re a king, then do a demeaning slave thing right now"

He looked into Laurent’s excoriating blue eyes. The impossibility of it was like a sharp pain. He couldn’t do it. He could only gaze at Laurent across the distance between them. The words hurt. ‘You’re right. I’m not a slave,’ he said.

can’t indulge in the kink anymore by circumstantial necessity, but i’m sure they’ll find something even weirder to do instead on purpose

‘I am the King.’ He said, ‘I killed your brother. And now I hold your fort.’ As he spoke, Damen drew out a knife. He felt rather than saw all of Laurent’s attention swing to it. The physical signs were small: Laurent’s lips parted, his body tensed. Laurent didn’t look at the knife. He kept his eyes on Damen, who looked right back at him. ‘So you will parley with me as with a king, and you will tell me why you called me here.’ Deliberately, Damen tossed the knife onto the floor of the tent.

okay this is just extra of him, but i mean laurent got to do “hello lover” so damen deserves to be dramatic too as a treat. i also like what this symbolizes, as opposed to their previous knife moments. as defined by their stations, they don’t have a power imbalance anymore, and they don’t have a reason to be enemies. they are a prince and a king, not a master and a slave. they are military allies, teaming up against the regent. any power imbalance and beef they have now is emotional, complicated, and abstract, nothing clear-cut (haha) enough to be represented by an instrument of simple violence like a knife. and damen summarizes this perfectly, in the context of their previous knife moments, by viscerally reminding laurent of those encounters and then just tossing the thing across the room.

honestly, i bet laurent feels jealous of the clever performative gesture. and maybe a little turned on, too, despite the horrors. that’s a fun reversal.

‘Didn’t you know?’ said Laurent. ‘My uncle is in Akielos.’

yeah, he got a really good all-inclusive deal at the akielion sandals resort and needed a vacation after all of the murder and [redacted]

[valentine-writes]

boys don't cry

「 tws + notes: no tws, unedited, masc coded reader (kinda. no pronouns used!! but trust y'all i'll b writing masc reader stuff soon cuz I Need It), inconsistent lengths for each character i am Filled W/ Favouritism, kisses can be platonic (spider-noir part i love this man), reader is used to bottling emotions up, the spot's part is Not That Serious, characters all love u and wanna help :> 」

「 gn!reader, can be platonic or romantic <3 」

↳ ft. gwen stacy, hobie brown/spider-punk, jessica drew, lyla, margo kess/spider-byte, miles morales (1610 and 42), miguel o'hara/spider-man 2099, (spider-man) noir, pavitr prabhakar, peter b parker, and the spot/johnathan ohnn

author's note: this song slaps╰(*°▽°*)╯ also see other songs below which influenced this <3 u can slowly see me losing the slash srsness as the character progress,,, apologies. many :(( anyways!! had this marinating in my drafts so im posting. hopefully will get time to clear my inbox and fulfill reqz! tysm for ur patience lovelies !!!!（。＾▽＾）<333

“i try to laugh about it / hiding the tears in my eyes” – the cure, boys don't cry

“i didn’t want you to hear / that shake in my voice / my pain is my own” – car seat headrest, 1937 state park

“i don’t know why i am / the way i am, not strong enough to be your man” – boygenius, not strong enough

▸ GWEN, who all too familiar with what it's like to keep up a tough act for the sake of not falling apart.

she's grown accustomed to letting emotions eat away at her until they're too big to deal with. which is why she's quick to feel empathy when she sees that you do the same thing.

she won't force you to talk about anything you don't want to– but if you need an outlet, she hands you her drum sticks.

"maybe it'll help you like it helps me." gwen explains, giving you that awkward little smile of hers that makes everything weighing on you feel a little less heavy.

always trying to help you find a way to channel your emotions. even if drumming doesn't work for you. maybe it's singing. maybe it's art. or maybe you just need to cry. no matter what it is, she doesn't mind. she just wants you to let it out in a healthy way.

▸ HOBIE is instantly aware of the fact you're the type to laugh and joke around to hold back tears.

you're trying your hardest to keep smiling, but he sees it falter as you try to speak, choking out the words while holding back a sob.

"'s okay to cry, y'know? no one 'round here but us anyways." he reassures.

you take a sharp inhale, knowing it was useless to pretend. he was always emotionally intelligent, able to read you like a book. sometimes you wondered if he could read your mind. or maybe he was just attentive with you.

he puts a hand on your back, gently rubbing as you feel the tears run down your cheeks. this turns into an arm around your shoulder as you cry, until you're fully sobbing– he decides to just pull your into his arms.

he's still holding you close, even as your cries subside into sniffles. always encourages you to be real with him. there's nothing he loves more than you being unfiltered– even if it means expressing negative emotions. to hobie, vulnerability is bravery.

▸ JESSICA DREW who's quick to notice you the minute you turn away to conceal your face.

she pulls you aside discreetly, knowing you probably didn't want attention of others. tries to meet you eye-level, asks you directly about what's wrong.

after a few seconds of silence, you finally break.

"i feel so weak." you sniffle, not meeting her eyes.

"for doing a little crying?" she sighs a little, shaking her head. "not at all. you're strong– you've been strong. but even strong people gotta cry."

she'll talk you through it or just sit beside you, offering you advice or even just a space to vent. she's very busy all the time– but she'll set aside time for you. tells you that hiding from emotions only works for so long and that tells you that you aren't any less tough in her eyes for feeling them.

you're only human after all. you deserve to live out the wholeness of the human experience.

▸ LYLA isn't really all too involved with your day-to-day life shenanigans (being the best ai assistant is hard), but she always makes a point to check up on you when she gets the chance.

besides, miguel sure isn't gonna gossip with her like you do.

"you doing good?" she'll ask, grinning.

you only respond with a weak "yeah" and the fakest chuckle she's ever heard, as you clearly attempt to blink back tears.

she doesn't know what to do. tries to wipe the tears that eventually fall with a virtual hand that phases right through your face. well. at least she had good intentions.

"hey, hey–" lyla gets you to take a deep breath. "look at me."

she says your name, regrounding you. you look up at her, and for a moment, she's certain that she's felt something akin to sympathy. she's felt something real.

lyla doesn't let that distract her from her objective– right now, she's gotta comfort you.

she repeats your name, "...it's okay. you cry if you feel like it."

▸ MARGO who sits you down, letting you be the one to speak first when your smile wavers.

"i hate fuckin' crying.." you laugh weakly, trying to make the situation better. it doesn't help control the tears. "i feel so lame for it."

"you know," she whispers, taking your hands in yours, "i still think you're pretty cool."

she gives you a grin that's so earnest– so sweet– that lets you know she's being honest.

"okay, so this might be stupid,, butttt–" encourages you two to listen to some moody music so you can get whatever you've bottled up out of you systems. it's cathartic, crying your eyes out with her as whatever the two of you have queued up blasts in the background.

doesn't judge you one bit for crying.

"only way out is through." she shrugs. "gotta feel it before you can actually let it go."

▸ MILES (1610) who had just asked an innocent question about how your doing, now watching as you struggle to respond.

after a strained moment of searching for words, you shrink away and hide your face in your hands. he scoots by your side, asking before gently taking your hands away from your face.

"what's wrong?" his voice is soft. gentle as he looks at you with the sweetest concerned expression.

"i shouldn't be crying.. it's stupid... i feel so, so stupid–"

he frowns at these words. "i don't think it's stupid."

societal expectations forcing people to put on a tough act just to conceal emotions deemed as "weakness?" not a new concept to him. he's just sad that it's impacted you so deeply.

after this, will actively check up on how you're doing emotionally. will pull you aside to have a heart-to-heart if he senses the slightest thing off. terrified of being shut out by you, will always offer for the two of you to deal with whatever you're struggling with together.

▸ MILES (42) who asks more bluntly than he had intended when he senses you're not doing okay.

you take a sharp inhale, giving him an unsteady smile which only makes him sigh. no matter how much you try to make the situation lighthearted, his expression never changes.

"nah. you're not fooling me." he walks over to you, his voice softening as he looks at you. "...what's got you upset?"

a really good listener. lets you rest your head on his shoulder as you vent and let it out.

he's not the most open himself, so of course he understands– but he doesn't want you to be like him.

you thank him for putting up with your breakdown, feeling a little awkward as you pull your cheek away from his shoulder and look at him.

you watch as he falters for a moment, gently grabbing your arm and pulling you in for a warm, slightly stiff, side-hug.

"don't thank me for that– it's just what you deserve." though his quick to dismissal of what you'd said seems to be the end of his sentence– you watch as he unclenches his jaw, hesitating before he says something else.

"anytime. i mean it."

▸ MIGUEL who is jus like u for reals doesn't quite know how to cope with emotions either. that doesn't give him an excuse to not try with you.

he can't find the right words, but you see the empathy in his eyes. he offers quiet comfort– places a hand on your back, rubbing it as you lean into his side

"don't hide your face from me." he mutters to you. "it's just me."

your hands fall from your face into your lap, shoulders slumping. he feels you tremble softly, as you to reply.

"this should be for me to deal with. i should be strong enough." your words echo in his mind.

maybe because he's told himself the same thing too many times before as well. it's painful, the way that this moment with you reflects a mirror image of himself.

will crumble his own walls if it means you'll do the same. tries to be open to encourage you. you'll learn together.

▸ NOIR who is a gentleman through and through. always. tells you that he'll give you anything you need.

"i don't know what nitwit told you it wasn't okay for you to cry," his choice of words makes you crack a slight genuine smile, "but you don't have to believe them one second."

as your facade slowly crumbles, his gloved hands cup your face as you cry. he dries your cheeks, patiently nodding as he listened to you ramble on about everything you've been holding back.

when you've calmed down, he presses a kiss to your forehead.

to ache like this and still be concerned over burdening others– he's now finds little ways to remind you how precious you are to him. that he'll always care.

▸ PAVITR, who approaches you as delicately as possible. he tries not to do anything that will make you feel backed into a corner.

he knows that feeling scared can lead to lashing out. tries to be casual about it to ensure you're as comfortable as possible.

you crack an obviously forced joke and he glances at you questioningly.

"you're not telling me something, aren't you?" he asks. pavitr's secretly hoping he was good at playing this careful– but you had picked up that he wanted to talk to you about it for a while now.

you're both obvious.

your grin fades as you chuckle dryly. "i don't... i don't want to– it's embarrassing."

"what's embarrassing is that i didn't notice earlier. don't be shy. we can figure it out together, okay?"

offers all the help he can. even (secretly) messages gayatri for "advice for a friend" you!!! you are friend!!!!! he doesn't name drop tho. privacy king.

▸ PETER B(E MY WIFE) PARKER. the one who drags you outside to chat about it and cracks a stupid joke himself. it alleviates no tension at all.

"..ahh,, no, nevermind that kid. you okay?"

a shake of your head and his smile fades a bit. he grips your shoulder, shaking you gently.

"been there plenty of times. trust me– better to get it out now."

and for a while, it's just a conversation. you're both sitting outside, the night air bringing a chill to your skin. he offers his jacket– and then proceeds to pull you into it while he still wears it, your back pressed to his chest.

it goes unspoken, but he knew you had been struggling for a while now. he's relieved to finally get a moment with you.

he'll always be looking out for you. even if you don't realize.

▸ THE SPOT/JOHNATHAN OHNN panics ever so slightly. this is the first time you've ever cried in front of him. so he does what he does best– and just asks questions.

"you've been bottling it up this whole time?"

"mhm..."

"for how long?..." your response causes him to pause, blinking several times before parting his lips to speak again. "...oh. oh wow– yikes–" he means well i swear.

will scour the multiverse in search of a quiet place for you to lay this all to rest.

you admit, you're certain you don't need all this– but he seems happy to put in the effort and lead you into a portal into a nice area to relax.

"are we breaking and entering into someone's house?!"

"uh– don't worry about it for now."

[little-elf-wanders]

I'm also just going to preface that I rant about Solas a lot and I'm highly critical of him because he's apparently a character with a lot of power in how the rest of Thedas will survive or die. This doesn't mean I can't accept being wrong if I am, if he has a genuinely good plan he hasn't bothered to explain to anyone yet, I'll listen but so far... I'm not collecting breadcrumbs and calling it a cake.

I don't mean any of my posts to attack what you love, if you're a Solas lover/apologist, that's completely fine with me, I actually read and enjoy some of your takes about him. And you're all wildly talented. His character just rubs me the wrong way enough times that I just can't justify things away. That doesn't mean I entirely hate him. There are things I do enjoy about him, and that any character can illicit strong emotion in people isn't a bad thing to have. I'm truly hoping there's some secret I'm not in on, but I'm not hinging it all on being attracted to him, either. (I'm ace as fuck, which might be why I haven't been swept up in loving him. Because I know some - please read not all, majority of you have been very understanding -will defend him to the death simply because they love the romance. Or maybe they're hopeful and trying to find evidence to back it up. I just don't view him through rose tinted glasses and there's issues, he's a flawed character - none of this is a bad thing, it creates narrative, it's just the approach some fans take to it can be exhausting, on both sides.)

If it's been a big misunderstanding of Solas in general in Veilguard, I'll also be willing to accept that provided they give us more than 'trust me'. But as of now he's still a dick that isn't one all the time. And if he's an actual god, that explains why he's a dick. Though I believe it was said they weren't gods, their powers just came close. Which just means he's a very strong magister and thus, still a dick. A slightly less dicky version of the others but. STILL. There is substantial amounts to be critical about. And I will be.

This is just a PSA to say if you don't like me ranting about him, I'll make sure to have solas critical in the tags so you can blacklist it if seeing criticism of him upsets you, he's fictional at the end of the day so my rants don't mean I want to tear away your joy, just vent my own grievances in my own space. My intention isn't to upset anyone who loves his character. I have empathy for his character, it just... y'know. There's parts I wish could have been handled differently. Especially how we spoke to him because it was all, in my opinion, just ego stroking him. Which just isn't compelling to me nor what romance should be. (Though he was a late add to the romance roster so some things can't be helped.)

I know how serious people take this, which is the only reason I'm saying this now, and I'm only making this post just to make sure people understand criticism isn't hate or shitting on what you love - at least it's not intentional on my end. Because I have seen some feel like it's a personal attack. I'm saying it isn't for this blog. Love him to your hearts content, you could be right in the end. But you could also be wrong. My take is, regardless of what side you're on, you still cared enough to put in energy which isn't a wasted game or character, and it's enjoyable to see all the passion. But please also understand that being critical doesn't = scum of the earth wanting to kill your enthusiasm. And the fandom sometimes need to learn how to separate certain feelings when discussing subjects. I won't judge you for loving Solas or any other romance or character. But I will have my views of said fictional characters.

I'll make an active effort to be aware of how the criticism comes out. (This is just in case I have unintentionally upset anyone who's peeked in and thought I'm the worst because of it.) Fandom culture is just scary and my anxiety has been acting up because I know how loved of a character he is. Maybe this is a dumb post to make but. Can't be too careful. But also if you do want to discuss things, I'm always open to chat about it!

[freckliephil]

Do you realize you have poc mutuals and it hurts that you have not said anything in support to the discussion, but instead said people should log off? People are mad but if you don't want to reblog vent posts you can still just... say the obvious, that people shouldn't be racist here. Otherwise saying you're not racist means nothing and does not make this space safer for anyone. And I really, really mean this in the most non-violent way possible. (Also fine if you don't answer this, just a heads-up anyway)

Im gonna be so fr right now and then im going back to work. Ive been on tumblr for 10 years. Ive been engaging in fandom for longer. i can say with complete confidence that fandom tumblr is not the hill to burn yourself out and die on re: activism and racial justice.

Its absolutely disgusting and unacceptable that poc phannies are getting sent slurs and anon hate. Idk how else to put it - it sucks and im disappointed its happening in a fan community im part of. But like, idk what exactly there is for anyone to do other than be aware of what you can, not be a dick, or log out? Like, idk what is being asked of me other than to not actively be a racist asshole myself?

Tumblr sucks, i fucking hate it here 80% the time, this place is a literal nightmare echo chamber and it’s hardly gotten better if at ALL in the decade ive been here. Idk if this is noticeable, but i really dont spend a lot of time here in general. I just started a full time job in a new field, i have partners and friends and a busy ass poly schedule that leaves me like 2-3 hours a day of downtime IF THAT. Sometimes i use that time to browse tumblr or shit post with my friends, but being active on tumblr and staying up to date on the goings on of people i dont know or talk to online is reaallllyyy not my priority. I literally dont read OR make posts on tumblr over 3 paragraphs as a pretty loose rule - this is not my news source, nor is it somewhere i want to go to read or engage in people’s tumblr brainrot induced lukewarm takes about real issues that require things like nuance and self awareness. I got a Gender studies degree for that. I have my real life community for that. Yall dont know me and i dont know you, and respectfully, im not getting paid to keep up with these things.

I fully stand by my statement that we should all just log out. I dont want poc phannies to burn themselves to the ground fighting with idiots who wont change, at least not in this setting or this context. I dont want people, either random white phannies trying to avoid blame OR dan and phil themselves, to put out half hearted statements about racism. This shit is serious, its complex, and it’s not something i personally can commit to changing or even keeping up with IN THIS CONTEXT. There are more pressing issues in the world we live in for me that have nothing to do with fandom or tumblr politics or fucking dan and phil. I’ll acknowledge that it fucking sucks, and im genuinely sorry to the poc phannies who are getting the shitty end of the situation as they often are. i dont want anyone to be run out of phannie tumblr nor do i think the solution to racism is to just go “oh well, people never change, time to give up and shut up” BUT i also really dont know what this call to action is really for if the issue at hand is…anon hate?? dan and phil not *maybe not going to latam or asia on a tour?? stuff dan and phil said a long time ago?? Like, correct me if im wrong, but those really aren’t issues in my control, and as much as i wish anyone’s words could have a real affect on them, they just wont. All you can do is reduce harm with the tools at hand - turn off anon, build community with people you trust and get to know them as people and not URLS, literally log of and go get some air, find communities you can have real dialogue and action within. Thats all i know how to cope, and all i can recommend doing.

Im not trying to be an ass or say this isn’t important, i just really dont think the answer to this issue is to go into people’s ask box and demand they say something when you literally dont know them or their lives. not everyone has endless time to engage in complex discussions on tumblr, and i really truly believe begging people to say SOMETHING is completely unhelpful when these issues are so sensitive. I really hope things change and i wish i had more time to actually get into it or form helpful, productive opinions other than this, but i dont.

[stormboundscholar]

Journal Entry

31.13.2023

Hey everyone. I hope you guys have been doing well! I haven't posted in a while because things have been just a little hectic. I just wanted to post once again before the year ended.

It has been... Interesting lately. I've had my share of ups and downs. My studies are a major part of my life (probably to an unhealthy level) so my exam results effect my overall mood. This is usually manageable, but I I had a streak of bad exam results around two weeks ago and I had to change my life a little bit. I am trying to be a little more grounded, and to study a bit more than usual. It's worked so far, and I am starting to see some results too. I hope that I can keep this up.

I could continue talking about work, it would probably be more appropriate for a study blog like this one. But to be honest I am just not feeling it today. You may notice a sharp tone change after this paragraph because I just want to vent a little.

I want to be honest, It has been a hard year.

I am a perfectionist. I expect a lot more from myself than I should. But I just feel like I don't have a choice, or maybe I am just continuing a mistake.

I am tired. I am basing my identity on my achievements. I have seen this before on a lot of media that I consume. I am becoming an arrogant asshole because I am just not fit for the job.

I live in a developing country. Fuck developing, you could just say poor. I was born a male and in my nation that means it is my responsibility to provide. I don't want to be poor, and I don't want a theoretical family I may have to be poor. The only way I can do that is if I get into a good university and then a good job. So I feel like I have to be one of the best. But I can't handle the work load.

I am also very alone. I have been neglecting my family, my friends, and people that I would have wanted to know more deeply. I feel that it has been getting harder and harder for me to join their conversations, and I feel like an observer rather than a participant in conversations. I am rotting in a prison I built myself, only my echoes to talk with.

My body is also a mess. I can't continue my weight loss for some reason. It's probably because I have been almost completely sedentary lately. Also haven't been getting much sleepor sunlight. It's a wonder that I am still alive despite all of that.

I think that this is burnout. I am showing a lot of symptoms of it at least.

I don't know what to do. I have so many things to manage but I'm not strong enough. I feel as if I am failing to keep up with everything in my life.

Fuck is it bad. I built a rube goldberg machine of fuck-ups to ruin my life.

I will try to be better this year. Despite everything my situation could still be fixable.

Sadly my first priority for the next 5 months will still be my studies. I have dug that hole too deep to climb out of it.

I may try to be a little more active. Some bodyweight exercises should be a little helpful. I have also been taking the stairs instead of escalators lately so that could help.

Friends are a bit tricky. I haven't had a serious hobby since last year and that limits my conversations. I'm also a little distant to them which makes conversations challenging. I also learnt that some people find me intimidating which could be pushing them away. Fuck do I have a lot to do on this front.

I also decided to try being a little more romantic this year. I'm 18 and I haven't even had a date before, maybe having a partner will help with loneliness. So I will be a little more daring this year on this front.

An incredibly depressing list of goals for 2024. It's pretty much the same as last year's list, except I am starting from a worse point. I still hope that I can use these goals as ideals for who I want to be.

If you've read this, thank you. I wouldn't want to spread my pain to others but my brain still wants to be heard. If you skipped to the end, well all that you'd miss is yet another person whining about life. Nothing exceptional.

Good night everyone and good luck with whatever troubles you might be having!

[terraliensvent]

multiple ppl close to kinah were able to verify that they were in the hospital recovering when the attempt happened. all of those ppl could not collab and lie so one person could get “extra attention” in ur words. Im frustrated with terra staff aswell but that doesn’t mean its ok now to call someones suicide attempt fake so ur feelings seem more valid. I find that extremely sickening. U have zero evidence or good reason for doubt or else u would have vented about it already. all u have is ur feefees. u do need therapy. And mod pls stop validating baseless speculation on smth so serious. what happened 2 people needing proof for claims like this

alright yeah im deleting kinah asks now

first off i dont think that people should just believe whatever they read on the internet, because you dont know who these people are irl. again, thats not to say that you shouldnt give support where you can or that you should make public callouts saying that it was all fake when you dont know for sure, BUT at the same time theres a level of speculation regardless because its the fucking internet. people are wild, people are strangers, and there is a non zero chance that people could have lied. just because people have a level of speculation on something they read online, that doesnt mean they need therapy and it doesnt mean theyre a bad person, it means they have a brain. if YOU want to believe it without a shadow of a doubt then thats fine, and if other people have some doubt thats also fine, just dont go out of your way to fucking bother people because thats just unnecessary.

second off, i need proof for accusations like “so and so is posting feral” or “so and so is an abuser,” saying things like “the way that kinah bounced back into cs makes me speculate” isnt an accusation.

the views of the anons i post here arent reflective of my own views, and if something is a problem i give my own input on it in my response. when i created this blog i didnt want to delete asks because i feel like that controls a narrative and makes me an unreliable narrator when it comes to these discussions. if people want to talk about things like this, i didnt want to force silence because thats not how you hold a discussion.

as an additional note: anons have been becoming increasingly aggressive in my inbox, whether its towards one another or towards myself. i implore all of you to stop being so aggressive, stop making assumptions, and stop playing this holier than thou card. so much of the art and cs community is made up of people who will virtue signal and place themselves on a moral pedestal and my inbox is the last place for that. if you want to rant and complain, go ahead, but stop acting like youre better than each other because you have the Correct Opinion on everything and believe everything you read on the internet.

my final thoughts on this are as follows: there is a non zero chance that everyone is lying. is it a small chance? sure. does this mean we should spread the narrative that it was all fake? no. are you a horrible person who should die in a fire because you dont 100 percent believe that the attempts were real? no, but also dont go out of your way to be an asshole because of that belief. i think we should all publicly operate under the assumption that the attempts were real. if you want to privately speculate, go fucking wild. could kinah going back into cs and making stuff for terras possibly be bad for their mental health? maybe. but also, its none of our business. and thats what im ending this topic with, a lot of this shit really is just none of our business and i think you all give way too much of a fuck about someone who you will never know irl.

i dont dislike kinah, in fact i actually really liked them when they were on staff for terras. but at some point we all gotta throw our arms up and say why is this taking up so much of my brain power when this person is just someone i follow on fucking toyhouse.

we are done with asks about kinahs attempt now, unless anyone has important info or something new to say im deleting them.

[lemonthepotato]

HELP WITH ENNEAGRAM

I was originally gonna post this on r/enneagram but changed my mind. Please help if you can. <3

Expressing yourself through song lyrics sure is cringy and edgy. Glad I didn’t do that this post. Also, yes, this post will be long asf too. Sorry, but I’m bad at compressing things. If you don’t want to read it, don’t. Go on. Do something else. I don’t blame you lol. I understand if you don’t want to read allathat. Idk I’ll prolly delete this. Maybe.

Some of this borders on yapping but I cut a lot of irrelevant shit.

Haha… 69. I’m just saying, a part of me really wants my tritype to be 69X. It would be funny. Sorry, I’ll grow up. One day. Also, here’s a cringy little slideshow. Hope you like it.

SO. The consensus last time was that I was either a 6 or a 9, so while I’m skeptical, I went to research the differences. Starting with RHETI.

Before you say “look at core motives” isn’t the whole point of core motives that they’re subconscious? I don’t think it would help.

(Yes, I’m serious about using RHETI. Sorry, it’s convenient.)

“These types are actually frequently mistyped. Sixes and Nines are both concerned with security and with maintaining some kind of status quo situation.” Uh, no, I hate the status quo. And I’m not sure what security even means. I mean, yeah, negative change makes me upset, but positive change is good. And my life is so boring that I assure you, the status quo is not what I am interested in maintaining. I need a change. I’m constantly striving towards a better, more action-filled life.

“They are both family-oriented, and both tend to take modest views of themselves.” Nope. I’m actually pretty anti-natalist, and have no interest in ‘starting a family.’ My mortality is my burden to bear, not any hypothetical child’s. I don’t care for my family either, they’re all corrupt. And ‘modest’… maybe. I put on, and have for many years, a false bravado, but on the inside, I think I am kinda modest? I’ve always been told my writing is amazing, but truthfully, I don’t think it’s very good compared to other authors. I think I have a bad-okay singing voice, better than some other people. My art is bad. I think I know my skills. People praised my baking, but I thought it was just meh. I always think people are lying when they compliment me, which isn’t often.

“In short, Nines like to remain easy-going and unflappable. Nines work steadily at their tasks, but show little sign of being upset by the day's ups and downs. Sixes, on the other hand, cannot easily disguise their feelings. They get more easily worked-up and rattled by mishaps.” Well I definitely lean six there. I mean, I can disguise my feelings easily, except my anger. It’s the only emotion I can’t hide, and I’m easy to piss off.

“While Nines can remain silent within their own inner peace, Sixes need to vent with others periodically to discharge their fears and doubts.” Leaning six there, but if I feel rejected then I don’t vent. The closest recently was when I complained in a gc about low-content authors saturating the market on KDP. I tend to take a very strong stance when stating an opinion, and I may or may not have said “I want them to shove their year planners up” andddd you can guess the rest. From an objective standpoint, I know there’s not much wrong with making low content books… my problem should more be focused on bots stealing from authors, but I just, I guess exaggerate my anger?

“Sixes are more obviously nervous and defensive when they believe there are problems. Nines remain strangely bland in the face of problems, although beneath the pleasant surface of average Nines, there is stubborn resistance and an unwillingness to be upset or troubled by conflicts or problems.” Lean six there. If someone pisses me off, I’m not gonna reject my emotions.

“tend to be suspicious of unknown people and situations–they need to test people before they let them get close. Nines may be protected by the disengagement of their attention, but they tend to be trusting of others–almost to a fault.” Nope, always been more six there.

“Of course, under stress, when moving in their Direction of Disintegration, Nines will begin to act out some of the behaviors of average Sixes, and for this reason, some Nines will mistype themselves as Sixes. But such periods of overt anxiety generally do not last long. As soon as possible, Nines revert to their more easy going approach to things.” Well… I don’t know. I mean, I’ve always been very reactive and angry.

Subtypes:

Sx6: Okay so, denying fear is a 50/50. If someone intimates me, I usually will fight back, but sometimes if they break me too much, I’ll break down. I definitely feel “you’re only as strong as you think you are.” But I don’t want to give off the idea that I’m strong physically, only emotionally. I’ve always been seen as weak, and to a degree, I want to give off that weak, broken, lonely persona so I can be saved, or at the very least, used by someone drawn to that kind of person. Because… I am kinda weak. And I don’t mind being used, because from experience, even though being used has always sucked, I’ve never felt lonely by them. I can relate to being stubborn. I view everything as a challenge.

“These characters walk around with the idea that anyone can become dangerous, so they do everything they can to not feel cheated, manipulated, taken advantage of, or attacked.” Yeah, maybe more so nowadays. When I’m out of the house, I’m constantly wary of people.

“Despite being aggressive as part of their effort to intimidate through strength, Sx Sixes tend not to acknowledge their aggressive side and may not be aware of it-or at least of the intensity of it.” Nah, I’m pretty aggressive and aware of it. I don’t think it was always that way.

“They also tend to separate their emotions: aggression is disconnected from fear, and sex is disconnected from feelings of love and intimacy.” Eh? Maybe? Not really tbh.

“They may have the illusion that they are spontaneous, but they tend not to be.” …Is this true for me? Idk, maybe.

“Sx Sixes tend to be very contrarian.”

Very true for me honestly. Sometimes I’ll argue even when I agree with people.

Sp6:

“They also have difficulty in looking at things as black and white, as they can see multiple shades of gray in between everything.” Depends.

“Seeing themselves as constantly at fault, they also feel persecuted: they project their internal persecution externally. It is a form of paranoid thinking which incurs the following: other people are always ready to catch your faults, attack you, and criticize you, and if they do not, it is only because it is convenient for them to hide their intentions at the moment to ensure they punch down the line.” Oh 100%.

“Self-Preservation Sixes fear anger, aggression, provocation, and confrontation. Being afraid of other people's aggression means they can't let their own aggression out.” I mean yes, but no. I don’t immediately resort to anger if I know the person is a loose cannon, but at some point, I have to protect myself.

“As the most phobic of the three Sixes, the avoidant Self-Preservation subtype equates love with protection, and in looking for love they search for a source of security to compensate for an inner sense of insecurity. This Six wants to find a strong person to lean on, and they many be excessively friendly and giving as a way of preventing an attack from outside. In order to feel the strength they are lacking, the Self-Preservation Six attracts the affections or protection of somebody strong-the more forceful presence of another helps them to feel safer.” I mean yeah. I guess I’ve flipped between sp6 and sx6 behaviours my whole life. I feel like the only way to be liked is to either be completely aggressive or completely submissive. Those are the only versions of me that “exist.” I just can’t tell which is real.

So6: “Consciously or unconsciously, Social Sixes fear the disapproval of authorities and believe the way to be safe is to do the right thing as determined by an authority. And knowing what the right thing is means having clear rules that tell you how you should think and act.” Kinda. I’m just saying, it wouldn’t be hard to trick me into joining a cult, that’s all really.

“Social Sixes have an intolerance of ambiguity. They fear ambivalence and have little tolerance of uncertainty, because to them, uncertainty equals anxiety. As a result, they have a love of precision and see things more in terms of black and white than gray.” Kinda.

I don’t fear making mistakes.

Sx9: “Sx Nines unconsciously express a need to be through another- to gain a sense of "being" they don't find inside themselves through fusion with somebody else.” Yeah, but it’s not unconscious… anymore.

“These Nines feel a sense of loneliness or abandonment that seems like it can only be filled by another person, whether or not they realize it consciously.” True.

“The problem inherent in this stance, of course, is that true union- a real relationship between two people - requires that both people stand on their own feet before coming to meet each other.” Oh see, that kinda gave me a chill… no. I don’t want to be alone, ever. I don’t think I can be alone. I don’t like it.

“Sx Nines tend to be very kind, gentle, tender and sweet. They are the least assertive of the Nines.” 👎 nuh uh. I mean again, if it was in a context where I fully trusted someone then yeah but nuh uh.

“Sx Nines may also share central concerns with Type Twos in that they can lack a solid sense of self and then look to their important relationships as a way to find self-definition or a sense of identity. Twos differ from these Nines, however, in that they focus more attention on constructing an image. Twos also usually enjoy being the center of attention, while this is much less comfortable for Sx Nines.” I mean yeah, I love attention and always have, but no one in the last post suggested 2, so it’s unlikely I’m a 2. Maybe sp2, but still, I don’t think so. Maybe? Maybe not. Maybe…

Sp9: Basically sx9 but if their partner was a potato chip. Also, I might be a black and white thinker considering my dad just said he was making breakfast or lunch and my first thought was “well, it’s one or the other.” Sorry, not related.

Reading this is basically just how I acted from 2018-2021. Not a good time in my life. I don’t like being alone. I haven’t “resigned” myself to not finding love, my whole logic in those four years was “well, when I’m 18, I’m gonna work hard for the rest of my life, so I should enjoy these years before I can’t do it anymore.” which consisted of barely being able to leave the bed. So fun.

I mean no, I don’t use physical activity to create a self. Maybe through my work, but I don’t like slacking off, so maybe not.

Oh yeah, someone suggested I might be a 1 in the last post. The only 1 subtype I even closely relate to is the old version of sx1. Core type? Sure, to a degree. But idk. Most people said either 6 or 9 so I’m not sure. And 9w8 > 9w1 at that degree.

I don’t relate much to the core of 2. It’s more that I want to be looked after than looking after others. I feel the only way to serve others is to improve my appearance and serve them through giving myself to them. As for 3, I really related to a degree, but no one else agreed, and honestly, maybe you’re right. Not a 4, I’m nowhere near having enough of an identity to be a 4. 5 just makes no sense to me. 7 makes a lot of sense to me but I don’t relate to ignoring negative emotions. I’m not confident enough to be an 8. I guess that leaves me with 6 and 9, along with maybe 2 as an option. Maybe 3.

I think 9 is unlikely, honestly, so let’s narrow that to 6, 2 and 3. Definitely had a lot of sp2 behaviours as a kid. Lmao, I was gonna say “but honestly, I didn’t feel entitled cuz I did anything, just for existing” and that’s literally the next paragraph written about sp2. I’m not gonna fall into the trap of relating to subtype over core type, because I don’t really relate to the core type of 2. Maybe when I was younger. I remember when my parents argued, I would try and mediate things, because I didn’t like it, but I just got yelled at. I would also sometimes do things for others to get validation, but I don’t remember if it was a core trait.

Wanna hear a fun fact? Growing up, my mom fell for an MLM, so me and her went door to door shilling makeup products… yep, she used a little young innocent me who was acting very friendly to the people there, for some reason, to shill products. I don’t know why I was so friendly to those random people. To prove myself?

See I relate to 3, but no one agreed with that in the last post, so maybe not. I do relate to cultivating a persona and hiding negative traits. It’s why these posts are so hard to make. But, I’m not exactly GOOD at getting attention. I mean, growing up, I wasn’t very well liked even if I wanted to be popular. I’ve always wanted to be famous.

Six is complicated because I can relate to the core to a degree, but none of the subtypes, or 50/50 on each subtype. Nine is just… I don’t see much 9 in me.

Anyway, uhh, what else should I say? This post has dragged on long enough. If you want to read my other type me post, it’s like, the post before the last post on this account I think. It’s also very long.

Oh yeah, I had another brief friend that destroyed my trust by telling me to end my life by insulting me using insults based on the things I vented to him about. Hence once of the many reasons I have trust issues. That guy was very fucked up though. Tried stabbing his dad n shit. Pressured me into doing weird shit. Fucked shit man. Anyway. That’s all.

Ok, that’s all.

…I thought this would be shorter. Anyway, I guess if you have any questions/need elaboration, comment. Again I’m very sorry this post is long, I suck at compressing shit.

If the consensus is 9 again, then I’ll just accept that I was in ~DeNile.~ 😅 I just don’t think I’m calm enough.

Idk I’ll probably delete this post. It’s just- I’ve tried figuring it out on my own and it’s very difficult.

Edit: This post is old (5 months old) and I doubt I’m a 9. I was torn between 3 and 6 when I wrote this, then I got torn between 4 and 6. 4 and 6 have been the most consistent parts of my typing, so I settled on 4. Sometimes I wonder if I’m a 5 due to this but I have a very strange relationship with type 5? It was the type I questioned the least except for 8, and like, I never had any valid reason to deny it other than not ‘feeling’ like a five and the only type I considered was sx5 very briefly. I could go more in depth but 9 is very unlikely now. Also I don’t use wings anymore, at least the way people use em.)

[somnolancee]

I'm trying to think of a nice way to say this... maybe it's kinda harsh, but right now my biggest piece of advice would be to stop talking about the amount of views/attention your stuff gets altogether across socmed. You need to act confident about your art and stuff even if you don't actually feel it, because seeing you talking about "flopping" and stuff can be really off-putting to people... even to older fans of your work it can eventually get kinda too much. Treat your work like it's already popular, don't get so invested in views, or even if you are, don't show it. I know this sounds harsh, but it's the best advice I can give right now. (TBH, I don't even recommend answering this publicly bc it'll draw attention to the issue, so feel free to just delete it after you've read it.)

I will actually answer it because some of y'all here don't follow me on other platforms and are probably not aware of what has going on since a year about my content or my OC in particular.

You werent harsh thanks for being honest I rather prefer that but I'd have preferred you to not being anon since I could have replied you in private /nm

I honestly don't care if it's bring to attention.

Alright.

First I'm so sorry for expressing my concerns and fears in public, I forgot I was an artist so people are just here for art and art.

But I'm also a human.

I always tried to be confident with my work but I just can't because in the end something always happen.

Since a year I deal with something in the Cookie Run fandom regarding my content and OC and it really took a huge toll on me and you will pardon me if I became anxious and paranoid from now.

I won't explain everything again but I did a doc not long ago so you can have a look 🤷

Easier said than done, it happens to everyone to feel like that, everyone have these days but again I'm sorry I forgot I was an artist and needed to post art here and nothing more.

I do my best to not vent too much but I'm sorry if sometimes I do it anyways.

Anyways I deleted the previous blog post and never will do it again.

Also sorry if I hurted people because of that post or my words, never been my intention.

Lesson learnt.

Btw don't give hate to anon please I really wanted to answer honestly and I hope it didn't sound mean nor anything !!

Take care everyone 🙌🫶

[rakuya-nikki]

A New Routine - Entry #1

I don't expect anyone to really see these, and that's not the purpose of doing this anyways. I just want a place to be able to jot down my thoughts or share my experiences, as a way to remember them all. Keeping it all locked in my head does nothing but guarantee they'll be forgotten eventually, after all

If anyone is actually reading along somehow, I hope you can find joy in whatever it is that this ends up turning into. As I imagine it right now, this'll be a mix of my ideas, my photos of certain foods/drinks I've tried, my progress on whatever thing it is I'm working on, or me sharing a certain piece of media I consumed and how I felt about it.

Honestly, it's in that sense that I feel overwhelmed right now. There's so many things I have that I'd like to talk about, but if I tried to cover all of my bases, this would quickly stop being a "journal" and just be a mess. Not to mention that would take so much time that it would essentially become a job in and of itself LOL I've honestly been struggling with the feeling of "being overwhelmed" quite a few times, and I think what I need to do in those cases is just take a moment to breathe, and just let things happen. So, in that spirit, this first journal is just going to be this — me going over my thoughts that led to me starting this up in the first place. I've been wanting to do something like this for a while now. A handful of months ago, I even started an actual, physical journal system to get some really heavy thoughts jotted down. It's like a form of venting, and I think it helped me get through those times well enough, but it's been over a month since I last touched that. To be honest, even though doing it by hand makes the process more intimate, it also makes it a pain in the ass to write more than a handful of paragraphs. I don't think I want this page to get as deep and serious as those journals were, but if it does at some points, so be it. Mostly, I just think it would be nice for me to get into the habit of taking the time to write down and save my thoughts on things. That way, sometime in the far future, I'll be able to look back to this and remember all of what I've been through, and all of the things I've thought, felt, and learned.

Not to mention, the current dilemma surrounding Twitter made this decision a lot easier to make. I've been meaning to move away from that site for a long time now, and I think this place will be better for me. Even if I don't hear good things about it. Though, I guess that's true no matter where you go. At the very least, I can write more than 240 characters per post on somewhere like here.

Plus, I'm going into this without a care in the world about viewership or likes or popularity or anything like that. I think I've had my full of that type of thing. So maybe this'll be a relaxing counterpart. Worst case scenario, I just don't use this site to browse other media, and it stays exclusively a place for me to blog.

I've still got things to figure out, but I'll just keep things one step at a time.

[hot-take-tournament]

sorry if my take sounds deeply incomprehensible i just kept going back on submitting it and knew if i didn’t ramble it all out in one take i was gonna chicken out again LMAO

don't worry about it at all!

i think an incoherent infodump every once in a while is good for the soul!

look, if we're being totally candid -

i have pretty severe adhd comorbid with bipolar disorder, which i do my best to mask - yeah yeah, i know you're not supposed to, but i doubt i'll ever truly shake the shame, especially given the things i've done as a result of failing to mask, both online and irl (the latter being much, much worse) - so i've resolved to do it for the rest of my life

i did talk a little bit about what i was like on my main blog here, which you might need for context:

(speaking of which, please don't actually follow or even go to my main blog just because you like this one - i'm 100% fucking serious. i'm a very different person over there to the point of being almost unrecognisable, even to myself - and i guarantee that side of myself wouldn't recognise me either; we're like two parts of a very fucked up whole. so for that reason i want to keep these two blogs separate; like i said, i'm bipolar, so that's where i let the venom out, and when i feel joyful again, i come back here. i'm more active here anyway, to the point where i basically consider this my main blog now - i mean, my bio isn't even up to date over there)

the point is although i plan to mask for the rest of my life, even i'm partial to an unprompted infodump or oversharing session every once in a while

that's the reason i want this blog to be a safe place for people to vent/infodump/just share their wildest takes anonymously, while still having a little fun by making it a tournament - it's partly to atone in a cringe kinda way, but also because this dumbass site has actually been a huge source of support in some of the darker points in my life

it's almost ironic in a weird way - i spent so much time targeting other people for their mental health problems, but when i had some of my own i came crawling back to those same people. maybe karma does exist lol

no, i didn't ever interact with any of them; but just lurking on their blogs and reading their posts helped normalise what i was going through when i felt so alone after receiving my diagnosis; though it was always in the back of my mind that maybe a year earlier i would've seen those same posts and done my level best to make them feel like shit for it just for the sake of a little dopamine hit

i'm a proud airhead, but i'm not naive - i'm not going to lie to you and say that tumblr is a safe space, partly because nowhere on the internet is safe, partly because i've read some of your takes and they terrify me, but mostly because i'm living proof of how awful this site can be

but i do want to at least create one semi-safe place on the internet after ruining so many other people's

jesus i'm fucking crying that's new lol

anyway sorry for taking your incoherent infodump and exchanging it with one of my own, that's probably more info about me than you ever wanted to know

but i hope this provides a little context for why i decided to start this blog

the point i was actually trying to make, because i'm pretty sure i never actually responded to what you were saying - never feel embarassed to submit anything! trust me, i totally get it; but i promise, even when i make jokes about some unhinged takes, it's all light-hearted, and if it ever comes across otherwise, please let me know! <3 <3 <3

i'm gonna take a quick break, i'll catch up with you all again later

[wrensemptydiary]

post yes & no's, plus characters I'll write for!! (and even more info abt my writing style and a tiny introduction)!

hi!! my names wren, you can call me wren or any variation of wren like wrenny, etc etc. i use he/him pronouns and im very fruity 😩 i also use texting tones because YES. this is my quick and tiny introduction, but i hope you enjoy my content. NOW... heres my yes and no's for writing, plus characters I'll write for and all that good stuff! have a great day, and hopefully a good time reading<3

yes's :

fluff (ya know, the casual cuddling, long talks, vents, rants, everything like that! per say, a character vented to another character and they cuddled afterward. that would be considered fluff under my page :]])

angst (i feel like everyone already knows what this is, and i also feel like it would be the same on everyones' pages, but ya know, just in case! per say a character death, someone cries into someone else's arms, a break-up, arguements. stuff like that is considered angst on my page!)

smut/nsfw (do i really have to explain this...)

slight smut/slight nsfw (nothing too serious, not an actual smut fic, but if characters made out in it or some serious fucking tension (or something sexual was implied), that would be a reason why one of my posts would have slight smut/slight nsfw on it!)

kinky shit (smut/nsfw but bring it to a wayyyyyyyyy bigger level. BY THE WAY. i will always put a warning and all of the kink/turn ons that will be in my nsfw posts before the actual fic!!)

i will write custom ships, depending on the characters ages and if the ship is actually appropriate

i will be taking submissions/requests (like i said for custom ships, if its an appropriate request. pls don't request bad stuff lmao.)

honestly, this all depends on how frisky im feeling, but i most likely, probably will write x reader stories/one shots. its a maybe. (maybe most likely means yes)

here are yes's for the type of people i want on my page

criminal minds fans

the matrix fans (I LOVE U ALL)

supernatural fans (if u ship wincest i hope you fall into a cliff)

monster drinkers

people who edit (omg same bestie)

people who can actually handle jokes 😇

arctic monkey fans

lgbtqia+ community (ilyasm hello fellow lgbees)

life is strange fans (PLEASE INTERACT ILY ALL SM)

mcu fans (y'all are one of my favs ily)

PEOPLE WHO PLAY GENSHIN IMPACT ‼️‼️

bookworms 💕

SALLY FACE FANS. (hand in marriage rn)

MCU fans

AND MORE BUT THIS IS ALL I CAN THINK OF FOR NOW!!

character's i will write for :)

neo (the matrix)

trinity (the matrix)

bugs (the matrix)

niobe (the matrix)

finn (the 100)

bellamy (the 100)

octavia (the 100)

sam (supernatural)

dean (supernatural)

ryan (life is strange: true colors)

chloe (life is strange)

max (life is strange)

alex (life is strange: true colors)

rachel (life is strange: before the storm)

steph (life is strange: before the storm/life is strange: true colors (plus wavelengths))

warren [this is a maybe,....] (life is strange)

spencer reid (criminal minds)

aaron hotchner (criminal minds)

derek morgan (criminal minds)

emily prentiss (criminal minds)

JJ (criminal minds)

kaeya (genshin impact)

diluc (genshin impact)

aether (genshin impact)

[possibly] lumine (genshin impact)

rosaria (genshin impact)

lisa (genshin impact)

xiao (genshin impact)

zhongli (genshin impact)

tartaglia/childe (genshin impact)

venti (genshin impact)

kazuha (genshin impact)

AND!!! EVEN MORE,

HELLO HI SO,,,,, it is literally 3 am rn so my brain is not working at all, i will do way more characters than this, i just can't think of any off of the top of my head (spare me the embarrassment) so yeah! and depending on the circumstances, I'll even write for characters that arent on here. or on the no list! all you have to do is request and ill see,,, eventually........ /j

before the no's, here's my writing style!

so, for any people wondering, yes i do write correctly whenever im writing a fic. i do capatalize my i's and capatalize the first letter of every sentence, plus names (sometimes, unless its just not a very serious fic or oneshot then i wont pls no bullying xoxo). i just don't do all of that when im not writing, and sometimes i even do it by accident because its imprinted in my brain to write grammatically correctly. so, let me write a little paragraph about some random crap and show you guys that im not as horrible of a writer as i seem !

emily had never seen hotch in such a vulnerable state like this, holding onto lexi's cheek while she was in his lap as his tears fell onto her almost lifeless body. but before lexi could protest about how it was definitely a girl, the medics arrived in the room and took a look at her wounds before taking her out to the ambulance, hotch of course following with and going in the ambulance with her.

YEAH HELLO IM BACK YOOOOOO,,,, that was a little thing i wrote with my oc. so i only write in third person (most of the time) and that is because writing in second or first person is super hard for me?? with the amount of y/n stories i read it should be easy, but i guess not.

obviously when i have actual inspiration i will write probably 10x better than usual, whenever i dont have motivation or inspiration it feels like all my writiny abilities fall into a void (REAL, NOT CLICKBAIT)

and now...

no's :

i honestly only need a paragraph or two for the no's so

i wont write anything sexual for any type of incest or underaged characters, i wont write anything that actually disgusts me in general, and the basic no's. i wont write for certain characters in movies, shows, or video games because i either dont like to, havent seen the show/movie or havent played the game, or i just dont know how to write out that characters personality. i hope you guys understand!!

THANK YOU FOR LISTENING AND READING THIS FAR!! this will be pinned on my page for anyone who decides to request me and wonders what my yes and no's are, so yeah :] xx

[talenlee]

What Do I Think of You?

What Do I Think of You?

Serious question.

I’ve been writing for you for a few years now. Who do I think about when I’m writing a post? And what does it mean to write ‘for you,’ for that matter? There’s clearly some personality, some identity I can conceive of as belonging to you, and I know there are things I think of when I’m writing an article.

What is there, then? What do I do when I think of you?

Let’s talk about it.

First up, just putting ideas out there on the page, not thinking about structuring this clearly. I try to make sure I explain things as if you don’t know the things I’m talking about. I like describing things so that if you don’t know what they are, you can get a useful idea for what I mean, but if you do already know what I mean, it’s going to be funny to you. I want to be helpful explaining things, I don’t want to give false information, so I have to assume you want that information and that you trust me. I figure you don’t click a lot of links if I send you places.

I know I don’t trust that you care that much about what I’m talking about. I know I feel like I have to make a big meaningful point if I’m going to hold your attention for more than a thousand words. A thousand words, about six minutes of reading? That’s, I think, a meaningful amount of your attention. I feel like a thousand words isn’t wasting your time by making you click on something that should be a tweet.

I think that you kind of care about world building stuff – specifically, I think that Tab likes the world building stuff, and they talk about that, which is 100% enough of a reason to keep doing it. That world-setting stuff, I can use that later, it connects to conversations with Fox. Writing about D&D, I think you care about the game and the lessons we can glean from that game when you want to make your own games, like tabletop games or just running games on the spot? But I don’t expect you’d come to me for political insight into how D&D gets made.

I think most of you don’t care about Magic: The Gathering but a few of you do, and the few that do care a lot. I know I think of you as someone who cares about making games, but I don’t know if I’m giving you helpful information about how to make a game.

And that’s just a brain dump of traits about you. I think I know what you want, but I don’t know how good a job I do serving that want. And I think some of the things I want to write about, you don’t necessarily want to read, but you’ll give me some patience with those things.

I think you’re probably a little bit younger than me. Maybe a little older, for a few of you, but mostly, I’m an elder millenial offering you guidance on things as I progress, day by day, through this journey and try to reassure you with wisdom I’ve accumulated. I think that you probably think of me as reasonably mentally together and coping with my life, and part of that is I think I don’t often share or vent my mental problems on the internet in places. Part of trying to be sincere about that, though, means I also don’t tend to vent that stuff anywhere, and I try to work through it by writing.

I hope you like my fiction.

I’m afraid you don’t like my fiction.

You’ve told me you like my fiction.

I don’t understand that.

This is a process of reflection that I think it’s worth doing. I normally do this stuff in private, maybe taking notes and aggregating information in my notebooks. I selfconsciously inspect the information my blog tracking software gives me too, which is, also, crucially, trying to be as unintrusive as possible. This reflection involves thinking about the experience of writing, but also, thinking about what I notice about myself when I go back and reread my work.

It involves a degree of introspection, which can be very awkward for me. You have to have the feelings (amazing, who feels things), then you have to consider what those feelings mean. Try to interrogate them into specifics, find things you can do or can’t do that satisfy or irritate them. I really want to get prototypes out faster, but right now the demands I’m under for my time make that unlikely to impossible. And when I say that, I know what I think I mean is that time spent on those prototypes is time when my mind tends to slide off them.

What I want you to be able to use from this, though, is the fundamental idea of thinking about who you are making things for. What kind of language do you want to use, who do you want to talk to? And what kind of way is best to talk to them?

For example, one of my friends has some pretty severe ADHD and that means these long articles are not easy for them to read. I care a lot about them, and that means that when I do start on a subject I think they’d like (often stuff that relates to game designs, superheroes, videogames with cool ideas), I want to make that approachable for them. That means that those articles tend to be more readily made into videos or audio recordings, because it’s easy for me to imagine that it’d be easier for that friend to enjoy the work.

On the other hand, I know that for say, lists of instructions, videos and audio feel bad to me. When I want to go get a set of instructions for how to do something, or a reference document, I want that in text, and since that’s how I want to do things, I want to present those ideas in that way. That’s another part of it, though! I am part of my audience. I don’t want my work to be presented in ways I wouldn’t want to consume it, and I think that’s reasonable.

This is a lesson, I hope: Remember that you are part of your audience, and you should be trying to make things that satisfy you.

Check it out on PRESS.exe to see it with images and links!

#Meta

[iiraoni]

🌿7/5/2024, 04:32 AM🌿

👏i’m 👏back 👏female 👏dogs👏

😐 and 😑 i 🙄 don’t 😤 wanna 😠 HEAR 😡

🤨i’m 🤨✌️ACT 🤨✊TING 🤨✌️DIFF🤨 ✊RENT🤨✌️😲

hi, hehe. this is a joke but my return is serious. i’m not narcissistic enough to believe writing ten page essays about my ex boyfriend or my ballooning tuition or my exercise journey is something i should maintain in seriousness, but posting a thought every now and again, and maybe talking about a day in some reasonably concise blog posts would be nice to do again, because i am important.

it’s not narcissistic to act upon that importance. i’m just no longer doing it with the silent expectation of it being read.

i wrote him so many fucking posts. i doubt he read a single one. my life, has got to mean more than an abusive psychopath who took advantage of me? i am worth more than the lies he projects onto even his own family. right?

is he more than his abuse of me? am i more than my childhood?

will my life be more than bills and working a job?

will my life actually mean something? i want to be a psychiatrist. can i do it? am i capable?

i want to be an artist. i can’t pick up a pen to draw, nor have i even touched my novel.

ive been writing my novel since late 2019, or my junior year of high school, and i’m about to be a junior in college. i have a comic book that i started writing the script for.

ugh. so many things. but enough about me! 😲👏👏👏

how are you? please let me know.

PLEASE use my ask as a form of venting. if you need to vent, you can do it there, or you can do it at cranima.businessinquiries@gmail.com.

i love you, no matter who you are or where you’ve come from. if no one else says it, i see you, i love you, and i am proud of you. keep rocking, superstar. God bless you.

yes, even you, white bean. because i can’t find it in my heart to resist extending a bone to even you. it’s mainly for me. makes me feel good to forgive you that much more. and because i miss you, womp womp.

thank you God for this day, and to my sister Aiyana for cheering me on even in Heaven. for my family and friends supporting me, and for the job interview i just had. also for life finally making a little bit more damn sense. thank you, Abba. amen.

=🌿🌿=

find me or reach out.

yt: https://youtube.com/@cerebrialfreedom?si=TW9ctL_COofTnZ_W

patreon: https://www.patreon.com/cranialfreedom

gofundme (car accident & college expenses): https://gofund.me/7e1a96e0

[onkissesdream]

okay stupid boy situation vent thing this isn't strictly ed related but def contributing, lots of words under the fold

so theres this boy i like, or at least i thought i did, and might still. like, pulling tarot cards, annotating books, writing letters and not sending them type like. i knew him from when we were younger, he's one of the the only people who i have ever connected with even on a platonic level and was also my first relationship, but it wasn't serious, we were like twelve

thing is, he has like a terrible reputation at our school, like as some sort of ladykiller jerk. apparently he cheated or something on his last gf, i was at a different school. he also like sells weed, which isn't like a problem, but i mean he is like generally super sketchy idek. i do know that im one of three ex girlfriends to dye her hair black and get bangs within a year of breaking up with him, speaks for itself

so i posted like a cute selfie on my instagram story with like music, and he liked it. then we walked home together a few days. then he suggested we hang out, smoke weed, at his house idk, but we like didn't make solid plans. then because of our class schedules we like didn't talk for a week.

on tuesday walking home i think i saw him with a girl on the back of his motorcycle, it could have not been him but it looked like his bike and she was definitely his type. its not as if i'm like jealous or anything, its just good to know

talked to him again thursday, he seemed less interested but still really friendly.

idk, after having a sort of crush on someone for as long as i have, talking to him again has just left more questions than answers. maybe he's a jerk, maybe he's not, but hes the only person i know who wants to talk about philosophy and thats good enough.

my biggest fear is that he only wants to talk to me for my body. that would really suck and confirm all my worst fears about myself. i'm sorta conflicted on his personality, hes really really smart though and i like talking to him, i hope he likes talking to me too

one thing i need advice on if at all possible please oh my god is that i haven't actually done any weed before, i don't really have friends and that makes it kinda hard, i think he's under the impression that i have, how do i navigate that??? also how do you do weed, i don't wanna look like a complete naive idiot, even if i am

if anyone read this, tysm, hope it wasn't too dull. when i heard this song for the first time i felt like it was written about him, hope you enjoy it. have a really really good day.

[hyenadon]

Sometimes I think "hmn, am I autistic or am I just fucking weird?" bc autism explains away a bunch of weird behaviors in my life. But also I just don't fit a lot of diagnostic criteria. In any case though I just remembered a couple cases of me being a Fucking Weird Kid

this is just a personal vent post idk

When I was a very young child (5-6, maybe 7) one of my favorite things to do was organize my family's book collection/library by my own personal like. Organization system. Which has been updated frequently to this day and I think about constantly. When I was v young it was just alphabetical by authors last name. Whatever subject it was, no matter, alphabetical by last name. I distinctly remember crying when family members would put things back on the bookshelf in the wrong place

Over the years this organization system HAS shifted into something more reasonable so when I was living w my parents again I reorganized their bookshelves (they have so many books. They have read 1/3 of them. I dream of that life) and my system was: Classics/books they will never read is top shelf alphabetical by last name. After that it's fiction alphabetical last name. Bottom shelves are reference books: one bookcase is cooking/food/wine, other one is home/garden/repair.

If I ever go home to my parents again I will immediately check those fucking bookcases bc they never put their books back where they goddamn belong. THERES A SYSTEM, GODDAMNIT

I have a very specific system I follow for my own personal library and it's not at all alphabetical by author but it's like. It's. There is a System. Okay. It's a system.

Another game I played was Dictionary. It was a game where I read the dictionary. I was very invested in this. I actually thought it was a fun game and not just me sitting in the corner reading the dictionary aloud to my parents. I loved the dictionary game. If I had a physical dictionary with me right now, I'd still love dictionary game. Maybe this is why I still sometimes read wikipedia articles to fall asleep? Mm, dictionary. My favorite of the A words was Abdicate.

not a childhood thing but when I started having friends that were openly autistic, about 6-7 years ago, I was open w my parents about it and described these friends struggles w communication, eye contact, etc, and my parents were like "...so that sounds a lot like you....do you think.......maybe....you might be autistic????"

oh brian oh sheila. I still have no idea if i am autistic but there is somethin fucked in my brain that shoulda been diagnosed when I was like, ten, at most. It's depression or adhd or autism or somethin the fuck else. But y'all. You missed out on your kid having some serious mental issues. The kind that cannot be fixed with a hug. The brain is broken the brain has been broken since I was a wee little lad.

this isn't a weird kid thing but just like something i'm still mad about after all these years:

When I was little I was hyperliterate. Not even a brag just a fact. I mean I can exemplify this in a few ways but like. I was definitelt hyperliterate. But I wasn't like. Smart smart? if ya know what I mean? Being good at reading and writing doesn't mean you're good at analytical thinking or math or science. But my mom thought that bc I was good at reading/writing I should be in the advanced program at my school. So I tested into the program multiple times and failed multiple times. I think I switched into the gifted program around 2nd grade?

And y'all? I was the worst student in that program. Consistently. I was awful at it. I cried in math class. I was constantly embarassed because everyone around me was smarter and better than me. I wanted to drop out of school, be homeschooled. I have had really bad self esteem issues bc of school since I was so so little.

And when I was like 17 I was going through my old report cards for like. research on a poem I was writing. And I found out I didn't even pass the test to get INTO giftie program. I never passed the test, my mom just called in a favor to someone who worked in admin at the school.

Wouldn't it have just been easier for like....everyone involved? to write up an IEP? I could have been very very happy if I struggled a normal amount in math science etc and just got shifted to another class for reading/writing. I think I would be in a better mental place if that happened, I think I would have learned earlier that like. I don't have to be good at everything.

anyway whatever I should have been asleep two hours ago. gonna make myself some toast and sleep