#but I'm also in the process of potentially getting my old job back... which is my top choice... but they're dragging their feet about it

[imreallyloveleee]

there's just too much happening right now. stop

[where-does-the-heart-lie]

One piece modern au, Mama Rouge :)

Happy Mother’s Day :)

Here’s some mama Rouge for the occasion!

Additional info about her 👇(there's a lot.)

Rouge is a bit sickly. Throughout Ace’s formative years, she was in a hospital, sick. Its honestly a miracle she got through child birth alive, but she’s a very very strong woman.

Garp was there when Ace was born because I like to imagine that Garp was Gol D. Roger’s Parole Officer, and so of course he became a family friend. But since he was there for Ace's birth, he was also there when Rouge held her newborn and cried because she knew she couldn't take care of him in her condition.

And look, I don't know how child handling works, but I think it would be really funny if Garp was like "you're okay, girlie, I got the perfect idea." And then he held out a sheet of paper with all the people on his parole list and said like "pick one, this could be part of their community service sentence."

And Rouge was like "might as well, I guess, I don't want to put him in an adoption center or foster home so I guess I'm doing this". Then she picked out Dadan because 'dad' is already in her name, and she's not really given anymore qualifications other than that, so Dadan it is.

Plot twist though because all these convicts just all live with each other so it really wouldn't have mattered, it just meant that now Dadan would be the main guardian of Ace.

-------------

Because she was in the hospital for so long when ace was growing up, she’s a bit of a mystery to him. Sometimes (like 3 times a year) she would come to visit him at The House Of Dadan and bring homemade large stuffed animals for him made with Ace's old clothes she's patched together. Ace loves them and they're on a high up shelf in his room, practically untouched in fears of potentially breaking them.

Whenever Ace has a day with Rouge, it's usually a bit awkward. Like Ace doesn't know how to have a mother and Rouge doesn't know how to have a son, but she is trying her best to have fun with him whenever she gets the chance to.

I kinda envision these vibes. Not exactly but adjacent.

Very like "what do you wanna do, sweetie :)"

Ace never gets to visit her at the hospital because Rouge doesn't want him to see her in that kind of setting. He tried to once when he became an adult but he was turned away at the door. He may or may not have tried to then find her through the outside of the building through windows and he may or may not have been kicked off the premises by security.

---------

The first day on the job after Ace completes his tattoo artist apprenticeship, he gets a customer who called the day before requesting him specifically, which is a little weird since he had just started that day, normal patrons wouldn't know him.

When it's time for the appointment, he goes to the floor from the back of the shop, and the person sitting in his appointment seat,

Is.. is his mom.

Shes talking to his coworkers and laughing with them! Ahh no nononono. His mom is not supposed to see this part of his life. What is she doing here????

He rushes over to her and asks her what she's doing here for??

"I'm getting a tattoo from my son :) can I get this flower please? :)"

So he starts the tattoo process and Rouge is very cooperative and receptive to when he needs her to move or anything like that.

He's.. he's never actually been this close to her for so long...

He glances up one and he sees her smiling so softly at him.

Ace looks away quickly, hoping she doesn't see him blushing.

For all wondering, the tattoo that she has is very much on her ass and it is very much Roger's name.

That's all I got. I got a couple of people asking about Ace's family situation, so here ya go :)

Oh additionally, Roger died before Ace's birth from Cancer

Thanks for reading if you got this far :)

[fandomworld9728]

Do you have a Staticapple-centric AU? I just thought of one, In many AU fics Human Alastor summons Lucifer but what if Vox did summon him just to get his dream career? Hold on! There's a twist! Vox was like a completely different person before death as he always had a cold-hearted and quiet personality so... Let me say Lucifer was the one who helped Vox on his personality shift and maybe... They fell in love in the process? (Maybe have Charlie as a staticapple child as a bonus in the end but that's up to you) and then after death, they met again? Maybe after Alastor rejected his offer just to save his old dead Vox personality Luci knows and loves or maybe follow the canon timeline and Luci would go and bring his Voxxy back to he once was. I dunno that's up to you

(Ooo~ That's a good one! No, I actually haven't made any StaticApple-centric AUs. Which is odd because there's a lot of potential there)

Victor couldn't believe he was so desperate to advance his career to the point where he was even considering what he was doing now. He must have lost his mind! Summoning a demon. Selling his soul. Was it worth it?

He could ask himself that later if this worked. Which he doubted it would. Thought, he supposed it couldn't hurt to try. He was going to Hell anyways…

Finishing drawing the circle and symbols, Victor lit the candles and waited. And waited. And waited- How long was this supposed to take?!

"This is so stupid! Why did I get my hopes up? I knew it wasn't going to work." Walking away and leaving the ness for someone else to find, Victor tossed the book behind him. What a waste of his time.

"Son of a bitch. That fucking bullshit book gave me a papercut." Sucking the blood off his finger, he almost left until the room was cast in a red and gold glow.

"Oh fuck."

~

Victor was freaking out. He had Lucifer, the first fallen angel and the King of Hell, in his apartment. He had not only managed to summon a demon, but the most powerful one in existence.

"I've been thinking. You should change your name to something unique. Something that stands out."

"I-I'm sorry?"

"You sold your soul to me for help in advancing your career, did you not? I'm doing my job."

Right. Victor had been so lost in his disbelief and panic that he already forgot. Shaking his head, he got back on track and tried to ignore that amused smile the devil wore.

"If you believe that a change in name would help, I supposed I could consider it. What did you have in mind?"

"Vox."

". . . What?"

~

It had been a week and already had soared in the rank thanks to Lucifer. The ridiculous name got him attention and opened the door to conversation. Also, the suggestion on covering the cult like set up from his summoning with a made-up story really sealed the deal.

There was only one thing that seemed to be stopping him from getting where he wanted to be.

"It's your shitty personality."

"Excuse me? You want to fucking repeat that?" Lucifer just cooed at him as if he were an angry kitten, which did not improve his mood.

"Vox. You've got to face the facts. You're a cold-hearted asshole who keeps to himself. You need to at least pretend to be a charmer in this line of work."

"Oh please. What would you know about faking charm?"

"I'm the least charismatic personal you'll ever meet, but I sure as hell can fake it. You know who I actually am? I'm an awkward man obsessed with ducks and who locks himself away for days. Weeks, months... sometimes even years at a time because he has no concept of the passing of time."

Vox was silent for a moment. Trying to process what the fallen angel had just told him. "That's just sad."

"Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up you dick. When you're ready, I'll teach you how to charm the pants off of anyone you come across."

~

Vox didn't like this. Not one bit. Over the past couple of months, Lucifer's lessons had paid off. He had gotten a promotion that came with a nice pay raise and decided to move the two of them into a nice house closer to his job.

The hours had become longer though, what with meetings and late nights out with his coworkers. Though, no matter what, Vox always came home to a hot meal and Lucifer there to greet him.

Sometimes he'd come home to the demon fast asleep on the couch, trying and failing to wait up for him. Every time he'd wake him up, he was greeted with a sleepy smile and a welcome home.

They spend so much time together, learning about each other and growing closer. Vox is the one who earned those soft, beautiful smiles and those tinkling laughs. He did. Not those useless wannabes surrounding his angel and trying to touch him.

It wasn't even the women piss him off. It was the men. They thought that they were being sneaky. But the more those bastards had to drink, the ballsier they became.

Hands on Lucifer's hip or lower back, lips too close to his ears, and he put up with it for Vox. To help him with is career, get him connections. Not only because of their deal either. The demon had confessed to him one night that he had grown to care for him.

It had been a pleasant surprise to know that someone, especially someone like Lucifer, cared about him. That he wasn't alone.

A growl slipped passed Vox's lips as he saw a hand go to his angel's ass and squeeze it. That paired with the look on Lucifer's face had him downing his drink and slamming it down hard enough he was surprised it hadn't shattered. Making his way over, he grabbed Lucifer's hand and dragged him away without a single word.

"Whoa! Vox? What's wrong? I-If it's about that guy, don't worry. I can protect myself. It was just harmless flirting on his part."

"Oh? So, you just let any man grab you like that? Do you enjoy it? Having their disgusting, unworthy hands all over you."

"What? Where is this- wait. Are you jealous?"

Once in private, Vox crowded the other man against a wall. He wanted to keep him close, make sure he couldn't just run away.

"Jealous? Jealous?! Of course I'm jealous! How can you just let some nobody like him touch you that way so freely?! He doesn't deserve the honor... all he wants from you is your body. He doesn't care about you or love you like I- ..."

Ah fuck. Vox had gotten so worked up that he let his feelings for the fallen angel slip out. Vox waited and braced himself for the rejection. After all, even if they were separated, Lucifer was still very much devoted to his wife when it came to his heart.

However, instead of rejecting him, all Lucifer did was give Vox that soft small smile he loved so much. A golden blush settled on his cheeks as he reached up to hold his face.

"You love me?"

~

Why was he remembering all of this now? Remembering all that he had lost the day he died? Vox hadn't been able to find Lucifer and the king never reached out to him.

So, of course, at his lowest the sinner was reminded of the only other man he had ever loved. Right after he had been rejected and almost died in a fight with the man who had broken his heart.

Sitting up in a bed he'd never seen before, Vox took a moment to gather himself before he went back to Valentino. He had no desire to go back to the moth demon, but he was the only one he had left.

"Yay! You're awake!"

Lifting his head, Vox was surprised to see the most adorable little girl climbing into his bed. She reminded him of someone.

Like, if Lucifer had strikes of black in his hair and swirls of blue in his red eyes. Was... was this girl his daughter? Did the king not wait for him and that's why he never reached out or tried to find him? If so, why was his kid smiling at him like this?

"Daddy! He's awake!"

"Okay Charlie. Let's not yell, duckie. He's still recovering."

Walking into the room was a worried looking but smiling Lucifer. It was that soft smile he loved so much, the one he hadn't seen in so many years... He looked the same as when they last saw each other, only with exhaustion clear on his face. Though, he was still the most beautiful creature Vox had ever seen.

"Well, look who it is. I finally found you. Actually, Charlie did."

A proud smile on her lips, Charlie stood on the bed and put her hands on her hips. "Yes! Charlie is amazing! She found papa!"

". . . Papa?!"

[furiousgoldfish]

Hey goldfish :) It's 🌟 anon again (previous ask for reference: https://furiousgoldfish.tumblr.com/post/730639643605876736/hey-anon-from-this-post)

So things have changed quite a bit since the last time we spoke. Turns out we are in fact a system for one, and the host who was sending those asks has stepped down due to being extremely overwhelmed by being trapped in the situation we're in after realising just how bad things are. Bun still comes around to talk to our friends, and plans to return to being host once we get out of here, it's just too much for bun to be aware of how bad things are and still be stuck in this environment. In the meantime myself (the new host) and a couple of other alters are pushing forward with the plans to get out of here and holding down the fort, so to speak, until the day comes that we can get out of here. It's been a couple of months since this host change, and we've been doing alright so far.

Right now we're actually in the process of looking for a job! It's pretty hard, admittedly, considering that we don't actually have any qualifications (we were taken out of school when we were 9 years old) but we're hoping that something simple like just stacking shelves at the local supermarket won't require something like that. We're looking into it at the moment, hopefully it works out. Our long-term plan is to be able to learn to drive at least, so we can have more freedom, then start saving up to try and get our own place. One of the other alters here managed to reach out to social services to attempt to get help with finding housing, and we're just waiting on a reply from them. Assuming that works out, we might even be out of here in a year, which is really exciting!

Of course, with the potential escape so soon, it's starting to sink in that we...have no idea how to do a lot of things. Our mother refused to teach us anything because she was always "too busy", so we barely know how to make a simple sandwich (and even that's from one of our friends telling us!), let alone actually cook anything, and she has outright refused to teach us how to wash dishes, do laundry, or anything of the sort. That coupled with the fact we never got chores growing up means we have basically no life skills on top of the lack of qualifications, so there's a few of us who are terrified that we're going to fail.

I want to try and find something, at least, to help reassure those scared alters that we'll be okay, that we can make it out of here and stay out, but I have no idea where to start looking to try and learn anything, or even what to focus on first. Do you (or any of your followers) have any advice on where to start? Anything in particular I should be trying to learn now while we're still trapped here, to try and reassure the others that we'll make it?

Oh hey, glad to see you (or, the new host of your system) back!

So you are a system, god I am so sorry, that is one of the most extreme disorders you can have due to abuse and it proves that what was done to you was intensely cruel, inhumane and equal to torture. Kids don't develop something so extreme for no good reason, you had to become like this just to survive in your parents house. And they cut off our education, which sounds insane and illegal.

It makes sense for the old host to be overwhelmed, I remember when I realized how bad things are, I wanted to jump out of my own skin just not to be there anymore. I completely understand the old host's instincts to be inside where it's safer and to let others figure this out until you escape. I'm so glad you're planning to get out of there and to gain freedom, you deserve this and I believe you can make it out.

You're right that there's simple jobs that don't require much qualification, stacking shelves sounds great, I am guessing you could also do stuff like cleaning (what I do) or stuff that's easy to be trained for (I can't think of anything, I haven't done many jobs, if anyone can give recs in replies please do!)

I hope you do get out of there within a year! That does sound exciting, and even if it takes longer, as long as you keep trying you'll get there, I know sometimes it can feel impossible, especially when the abusers are onto you and work to sabotage you. Be sure to never reveal to them what you're up to!! Leave when they won't immediately notice! Don't let anyone know your location so you're safe from being discovered by them! The best safety from them you can have is them not knowing where you are or how to get to you, once these 2 things are accomplished, you are safe completely, and also you do need some income, but you already know all that.

I don't think I was even reading about survival skills back when I was living with abusers, because it just isn't the same when you can't immediately try out your new skills, the best way to learn is to try and figure it out on your own. I'd love to give you step-by-step instructions on how to cook, how to do laundry, how to clean, how to maintain your living space, how to organize and whatever else skill you want, but it's likely you wouldn't be able to try it out, and it would fade from your mind before you learned to use it. If you want I can still try and give you the instructions and you could save them for when it's useful!

There's a website I saw that gives step-by-step instructions to do any task, I want to link it here but right now I can't seem to find it, does anyone know what I'm talking about? It breaks down any activity to small steps that guide you trough the process, it was made for people who get overwhelmed by big tasks but do well with task broken down.

I do want to say that survival skills are pretty easy to learn and some of them super instinctive, and a lot is just about having confidence and the right information. I remember I got a lot of confidence from just learning how to tie a rope in different ways, I could make different knots, or create ladders or a swing using only rope, and that made me feel so smart and capable, even though I barely used it for anything except to show off.

I feel like I should do a basic instruction post about cooking, laundry, cleaning and maintaining living space and it would potentially make it easier to approach for a lot of people. I'll start on it now and you'll see it published a few hours from now.

You and your alters can definitely make it! If you can learn even skills that don't feel vital right now, like if you can sew a little pocket or make a cool knot, it will boost your confidence and give you a feeling on how exciting and rewarding it is to learn these things.

[gcslingss]

don't wake me, i'm not dreaming. sierra six.

chapter 02: phantasm.

you can also check this fic out on ao3!

summary: six had an old friend from his time in prison. he never expected her to come back.

timeline: post-gray man movie

pairing: sierra six/court gentry x oc (atlas wright)

warnings: for this chapter, swearing, mentions of weapons (guns)

word count: 2.97k

notes: i did not proofread this yet :) i also fucking hate the way I've written this one but uhh i hope u enjoy anyway

███████, 2014

“You’re awfully good at what you do. I’ve only ever met one other person like that.”

The Ghost smiled underneath her mask. “That’s a compliment, I hope.”

“Not exactly. Because you don’t work for us.”

“That’s true. But I haven’t done anything risky for the country.”

“Yet. No guarantee you won’t in the next few years,” Fitzroy replied, his fingers drumming on the chair. “There’s always a deal good enough, at some point in time.”

“What’re you suggesting, sir?”

Fitzroy paused, but his fingers kept drumming.

“You’re still here, alive and well only because you saved my niece from Basset. You nearly died in that process, and it would be wrong of me to not acknowledge that.”

He folded his arms over his chest, giving Atlas a plain gaze.

“But that doesn’t mean,” he ominously continued, “That you aren’t a potential threat to the safety of our nation.”

“Fair point.”

“We will be keeping tabs on you. I’m doing you a favour by warning you that if you let a single toe go out of line, you will be eliminated. Is that clear?”

Atlas looked up at the man and nodded. “Crystal.”

SPRINGFIELD, MISSOURI, 2021

The cellphone on the standalone started to ferociously ring, disrupting Atlas’ deep sleep.

Disgruntled, the woman tossed in her bed so she could reach the damned thing and connected the call.

“Ghostie!” A voice greeted. “Remember me?”

Oh, great.

“Lloyd.” Atlas closed her eyes with a frustration only few could understand. Not everyone received a call from a sociopathic torturer at seven in the morning.

“You don’t sound happy to hear from me.”

“What’d you expect?”

Lloyd tched. “I thought we were friends, Ghostie.” “Look, could you just tell me why you called, for fuck’s sake?”

“I’ve sent you a little message.”

On cue, Atlas’ phone pinged, with a notification from an unknown number. There seemed to be images attached.

“What’s this?” she asked, hesitant to open it.

“A job. I’m sure you’ll like it.”

That could’ve meant anything, but considering Lloyd, it was probably a level 10 difficulty job involving bleeding fingers and lots of blood.

She opened the message, and saw a few pictures that were taking a minute to load. Then she saw a number that made her choke on absolutely nothing.

REWARD: $50,000,000

“What the hell is this, Hansen?” Atlas hissed, and Lloyd chuckled on the other side of the line.

“Pretty fucking amazing, isn’t it? All that money’s yours if you complete a simple task.”

“Which is?”

“You ever heard of Sierra Six, Ghost?”

Atlas frowned contemplatively. “Never had the pleasure of meeting him, but yes, I know who he is. It’s hard not to hear of him. ”

“That’s good, cause there’s a drive in his possession that we’d really like back, and you’re gonna have to get it. Maybe put a bullet in that Ken Doll’s skull on the way.”

“Firstly, odd comparison.,” Atlas said, rolling her eyes. “Secondly, who’s ‘we’? Doesn-”

“You don’t need to know that,” Lloyd cut in. “All you need to know is that you hit the jackpot if you get that drive.”

“Hold on, mate.”

The pictures had finally downloaded. They looked like low quality surveillance cam stills, and in those stills was a man Atlas instantly recognized.

Her breath hitched when she zoomed in on one of the videos and saw Court staring at her, before shooting down the camera.

He was the infamous Sierra Six?

Well. Shit.

“You’re… on your own, Lloyd,” she said, with no hesitation at all.

“…Come again?”

“I’m not doing this. I’m pretty sure you’ve got shit tons of other people looking for him. You’ll be fine without me.”

She could her Lloyd click his tongue, and sigh.

“That’s quite disappointing,” he said flatly.

“I can’t do anything about that.”

The call disconnected.

A sigh escaped Atlas’ lips when she kept the phone aside reburied her face into her pillow, her dark, short hair uncomfortably tickling her face.

That was a whopping amount of 50 million she’d just declined. There was a 90% chance that she could’ve gotten it, if Lloyd stayed as partial as he usually did with her and she performed to her best.

She could’ve done it. But she refused.

Why did she turn down such an offer?

“Because I’m scared,” she mumbled to herself in the pillow. “I don’t know if I can face him without losing focus again.”

As hard as it was to admit, it was the truth. It was unprofessional, but the truth.

It was as if she was being forced to encounter him again by whatever entity existed. To finish, to come full circle.

He hadn’t appeared in her life for ages, and suddenly she was seeing him twice in under a year. It didn’t make sense.

She could only hope it ended there.

… … …

In recent times, it had become clear that the CIA had stooped very low in order to get what they wanted, and that included recruiting the Lloyd Hansen, being cause of multiple shootouts and large scale tussles across the globe, destroying a monument, and possibly more that Atlas hadn’t heard of yet.

Her sources also told her that Lloyd was dead now, and she wanted to feel bad, but her days of working with that arsehole made it hard.

It seemed that now, as part of one of these terrible plans, Atlas had been called by them for some task she wasn’t aware of yet.

She was sitting in a dark but well-furnished room, at the moment, her knee bobbing in impatience as she waited for whoever was supposed to tell her why she was here.

Someone came in after a few minutes, someone with short blonde hair and a crisp suit that suited her well.

She was kind of hot, honestly.

“You’re the Ghost?” she asked, her face maintaining a stoic, slightly irritated expression.

“Correct. And you are?”

The lady didn’t respond. She glanced at the door as another man entered.

He looked like a solid prick, and with the way he settled in his chair with an unnecessarily smug demeanour, Atlas could tell that this bloke probably couldn’t keep a woman for longer than two days.

“Hi,” she said. “I’m assuming you called me here.”

“You assumed right. I’m Denny Carmichael.”

His eyes were focused on his hands.

“Do you know why you’re here, Ghost?”

Atlas shrugged. “Judging your recent massive blunder streak I assume I’m here because something went very wrong during your little escalation and now you want me to clean it up.”

Carmichael looked unamused.

“Clearly you’ve been doing this for a while, and that’s good. It tells me that you won't fuck up, and if you did, it would be entirely your fault.”

“How about you tell me what I’m doing first?”

Carmichael gestured to the lady agent standing behind him, and Atlas picked up that her name was Suzanne, who handed him a file that looked suspiciously empty.

“There’s a certain agent of ours who’s gone…rogue, and is to be considered a potential threat to the security of our nation,” Carmichael explained. “He’s extremely skilled, and funnily enough, until a few months ago, we didn’t know shit about him, except that he’s a fucking war machine.”

That sounded interesting. Half the people Atlas had dealt with with were generally not even worth being called a vending machine.

“He’s got a young girl with him, a girl related to someone in the CIA, and he’s holding her for ransom.” Suzanne seemed to react to this.

“Denny-?”

Carmichael waved a hand. “She needs to know this, Suzanne.”

Suzanne frowned, but stayed silent. Atlas pretended to ignore this interaction - she wasn’t entirely sure of its implications, so it was best not to speak yet.

“We want you to find out where they are, and bring them back to me. Both of them.”

“And what do you plan on doing to him?” Atlas asked.

Carmichael vaguely replied, “Whatever needs to be done.”

Carmichael finally tossed the file over to her across the desk. She flipped it open, and saw a page with a bare few details. She began to read them, running a finger over the text as she did, aand the finger ceased when she saw the two names written on the sheet.

SIERRA SIX  CLAIRE FITZROY

…What?

She hastily flipped to the second page, where she saw two pinned photos, the first one of Claire Fitzroy and Court conversing with each other on a street. Her eyes locked onto the girl’s cheerful, young face, and it struck a chord in her.

“I’m scared.”

“Don’t worry, love, it’s going to be okay,” Atlas reassured, taking the trembling girl’s hands in her own.  “What’s your name?” 

The girl managed to stutter out, “C-Claire.”

“That’s such a pretty name.”

“Than-Thanks,” she whispered, her throat sounding tight and her lips quivering.

“Stay here, Claire, okay? I’ll come back and get you - just give me a minute.”

Claire nodded, but her hands were tightly clutching Atlas’.

She smiled and eased her hands away, before cocking her gun and stepping out of the little garden shed, ready for a good fucking fight.

“This girl’s the one being held for ransom?” Atlas asked, her tone flat and heavy.

“Correct. And her life’s in danger.”

Atlas glanced at Court’s face. She didn’t want to believe what Carmichael was saying. It didn’t seem possible for someone like him to do something like this.

But then again, people changed.

“I’ll give you 25 million dollars if you do this right,” Carmichael offered. Atlas couldn’t help but scoff.

“25? Your friend Lloyd offered 50 million for one man.”

“And look where it got him,” Carmichael sneered. Atlas noted how he didn’t question that she knew of their connections. Fair enough.

“What if I say no, Carmichael?” Atlas said. The man shuffled comfortably in his chair and she already knew the answer. This wasn’t her first offer.

“You know my name, Ghost. You know what I look like. You know Suzanne now. You know what we’re doing.”

Carmichael leaned forward, smiling. “You can’t.”

Atlas sighed, scratching the side of her head. “Am I the only one who’s been set on his tail?”

“Obviously not. well, not yet. Soon enough.”

Atlas took a moment, then closed the file and slid it across back to him.

“Fine.”

“Great.”

15 minutes later, she was being escorted out of the building with two agents on her side, her mind unusually blank - probably the result of extreme confusion and difficulty processing that she had to face an old connection, something she had never wanted to happen.

Fucking Court. War machine, was it?

Last time she’d seen him, he couldn’t even say goodbye right.

Hah, wait, that was wrong - she’d seen him even after that, hadn’t she? That’s where this fucking mess started.

As they walked down the corridor, another agent with a short black bob came heading, apparently absorbed in her own thoughts, unaware of her surroundings, because despite the two agents’ warnings, she bumped right into them.

Something small and heavy fell into Atlas’ pocket, and the woman left just like that, walking away behind them.

She didn’t react, not until she was safely taken back to her hotel room, and she took out the object that turned out to be a little burner phone.

She flipped it open and the small screen lit up, and as she turned it over in her hand, the phone vibrated, signalling a new message.

It was a bit of a risk to interact in any way, but her curiosity got to her - besides, this lady was in the CIA building, so that meant she was mostly safe.

She opened the message, and she was rather piqued when she saw the text.

9:00 pm. Outside, behind your hotel. You will regret not coming.

“Well, isn’t that polite,” Atlas muttered to herself, almost smirking.

Well, then.

9pm behind the hotel it was.

…

The night air was cold, biting and suddenly very ominous. Or maybe that was just for Atlas, who stood by the side of the hotel’s backdoor, clad in nothing but her cotton shirt, shorts and a thin red jacket she bought for 45 dollars, having no idea what to expect.

Her hair was blowing in her face, annoyingly disturbing her curls.

it was 8:59pm.

“I see you’ve received my message.”

Atlas would’ve been lying if she said she didn’t literally jump in her spot, but she managed to calm down by the time the sillhouette that had just addressed her got close enough.

In the dim moonlight, she could see that it was the same woman that gave her the phone. She was a proper 4 inches taller than herself, and that pissed her off, but just a little. It wasn’t entirely her fault she was just five feet tall. She also had a duffel bag slung over her shoulder.

“Hello,” Atlas said unsurely. Her hand was cautiously clamped on the stock of the gun in her back pocket.

“Leave them alone,” the woman said. “Or help me keep them safe. Choose one.”

“I’m - I’m sorry, what?” Atlas said. She wasn’t picking up on the context. “Could you use more words?”

“Seriously?”

“I don’t do well with mysterious spy talk, because the mysterious part is more like absolutely blank to me. Elaborate, will you?” she asked, and she could see the other woman look visibly taken aback at what she said.

“Six and Claire,” she snapped.

“Oh, oh, right.”

And then Atlas laughed, because what the hell.

“I’m sort of in the dark here, yeah?” she said, frowning. “I don’t know who the hell you are, why you’ve called me here, or what the fuck you mean by giving me those two options. Or why I should listen to anything you’re saying right now.”

The woman aggresively cocked her gun and pressed it into Atlas’ sternum faster that she could react, and she could feel her breath against her face as she growled, “If you don’t listen to me, Ghost, I will make sure you end up in the gutter right outside this place, bleeding out and very injured.”

If that wasn’t the hottest thing that had ever happened to her.

“Alright, I’m sorry,” she said, raising her hands in the air as if in defeat. It was the only thing she could think of at that moment. “Maybe I can get your name? Instead of calling you ‘Cute Girl’ everytime in my head, and then you can take it from there and explain things a bit?”

“Shut up.”

“Okay, sorry.”

“I know that Carmichael put you up to finding Six and Claire’s whereabouts and bringing them back under his custody,” she said lowly, “And I also know that he told you Claire was being held for ransom.”

“Yeah, I mean - that’s all correct.”

“No. The second part of it is bullshit.” The woman looked like she couldve pushed the gun straight through Atlas’ flesh. “Carmichael lied.”

“Oh?”

In all honesty, that sounded believable. He looked like he lied on a daily basis. It irked her, but she wasn’t surprised.

“But wait, so-“ she took a second, processing what Cute Girl had just said.

“You’re saying Claire isn’t being held for ransom? Then why the fuck is she with him?”

Cute Girl stared intensely at her, before slowly replying, “He’s all she has.”

Oh. That was a…solid sentiment. And it most certainly wasn’t a lie.

“Carmichael wants them captured and under his control, possibly even killed. That way he doesn’t have to ever worry about them,” she said, and it was clear she hated this guy as she spat, “he’s a fucking psychopath and a puppet, and I can’t let him lay a single finger on either of them. That means I will not hesitate to put you down if you listen to him and step where you shouldn’t.”

“Right.”

Now. This changed things.

Clearly, Court wasn’t a bad guy after all, he and Claire were in danger from Carmichael, and this woman here had deep connections with them, connections enough that she was willing to double cross for them.

Fact was, Atlas completely understood that.

“What do you want me to do?” she questioned, her tone no longer joking. The woman picked up on it, and the gun withdrew by an inch.

“I’m giving you two options - you can take the hush money and leave them alone, or you start working for me, and you keep them away from Carmichael’s eyes.”

Atlas smiled. “I have a feeling you’ve already picked the option for me.”

The woman gave her a stare that confirmed her statement.

“It’s the second one, isn’t it?”

“…Yes.”

“I don’t have any problem with that, frankly,” Atlas said, as she softly pushed away the gun from her ribs, “Because I know them both, and I’m entirely willing to help them. And because Carmichael is a fucking dick for lying to me,” she added.

The woman paused, looking Atlas up and down, then kept her gun away.

“I’m Dani Miranda,” she said.

“That’s nice.”

Dani dropped the bag in front of her, and said, “That has 15 mil. Do what I tell you correctly, and I’ll give you the other 15.”

Atlas didn’t try to hide the surprise on her face.

“What, really?”

“Yes. But step out of line even once, and I swear, I will kill you.”

Atlas nodded. “Yeah, ‘course. Got it.”

“What if I need to communicate, thought?” she asked.

“It’ll only be from my side. I’ll contact you when I need to.”

With that, Dani left, as mysterious as ever.

Atlas stood, a little baffled, as she glanced at the bag on the floor.

[ahundredtimesover]

Omg the mysteries have been unveiled!!!! Can't put into words how much I love this story. Thank you endlessly for putting so much effort, time, and care into it. It's amazing that we get to share the fruits of your talent! It's even crazier that you managed to build a story that just ticks all the points for me and scratches my brain just right.

I commend you for not falling into the common traps of fanfic writing by rushing into things and buying into scenarios that are just not realistic for a non-fantasy fic. As much as the characters' decisions, actions, and attitudes might frustrate us, that's what being human is like! That's real! That's life! We are so contradictory, and we say the wrong thing or the right thing at the wrong time, or we fail to say what must be said.

I will admit that I've been frustrated by both jk and oc throughout the story, and thought they made things more complicated than way they needed to be but now I understand why it's taken so long to get to this point. I get oc's desperation to break free. At first, I was so confused. Why walk away from a job that gives you a decent wage and is prestigious? Surely not everyone likes their job all the time, and would like to have more money, more free time... Now, I understand her fully, and I empathize. There's nothing worse than feeling indebted, subservient, ashamed... it's like she has been walking on eggshells all the time. Even if the family didn't see her in a negative light or looked down on her, sometimes your insecurities get the best of you and your brain convinces you that the worst case scenario is indeed happening right under your nose.

I'm excited to see her heal, grow, and THRIVE! I want to see her comfortable in her own skin, to believe and KNOW she deserves positive things in her life, to feel invigorated by her job, to feel more relaxed, to have time for herself, to find hobbies and passions. Who knows... maybe she dabbles in writing in the future? 👀👀 (She did mention she loves storytelling and the creative process). Of course, healing is complicated and I predict she might have hard times ahead, wondering if she did the right thing, if walking away from jk means losing him forever...

I hope the time apart (hopefully not too long 🙏, although it makes the most sense) allows them both to see things more clearly and approach their feelings in a new light, without the baggage of power dynamics. Starting a relationship with your boss is just yucky, BIG no. For the people saying that's what should've happened... how would that have made her look like? Oh, yall helped my mom and I escape domestic violence, pay for my uni education, gave me an internship and a job (although my girl earned this, but yk negative self talk), AND then I start sleeping and dating one of the company heirs whilst still working as his assistant? Absolutely not.

Also, jumping right into the relationship after her resignation seems too rushed as well, oc more than jk (imo) needs to sort herself out and find herself, find her identity away from the shadows of her past and jk's family and company. How can she be in her first actual relationship if she feels like she can't stand on her own two feet? How can she do good by her and jk if she feels insecure, lost, and unfulfilled? Love and intimacy don't solve all your life problems. That's the heartbreaking realization they both are starting to have. I will say that seeing the more romantic side of jk and oc was soooo cute. His reasoning (although flawed) of wanting to keep her in the company in order to ensure her being respected and safe warmed my heart. I agree with that other anon that jk might not take the separation too well, and might revert back to his old ways, which could potentially put off oc? She might be at a point where she wants to reconnect, and he's just not there yet (I won't mind this possibility because I, too, LOVE angst 😭)

Also Mr. Ri's backstory :( Bless his heart. He has done so so good by oc and her mom. He deserves ultimate happiness, as well. Also, what about Mr YOONGI! I can't wait to read his opinion about all this and how he will try to help out both of them.

Overall, what a chapter. It has been my favorite yet (hard choice cause you have a goldmine here). I can't wait (I can and I will) for chapter 12!! Much love ❤️

(I'm usually an anonymous fan, but this story is just so good I'm powering through my shyness and panic to send this message off anon 🫣)

HIII oh wow, so much to absorb here and I love it! 🥹Which is also why I took a while to respond. I loved reading through this and knowing what you thought. This story took months of frustration and stress to come together haha but I'm glad it’s able to resonate with readers and you guys can see what I was trying to say through the characters. 😌😌

It's a slowburn for the reason that it's important to get to fully know them, from their pains to their hopes because it's how we understand why they do what they do; it's how we connect with them, too. Bc these very flawed humans have bits and pieces of us in them. Especially with OC - no matter how 'good' a job seems to be, if it doesn't fulfil your desires, if it makes you doubt what you've achieved, it's gonna constantly eat at you, and it finally became too much for her once she realized that her feelings for JK would keep her in a place that she's not happy in, even if the man who makes her happy is right there. Obviously there are the hindrances given their positions, but ultimately it's OC making a decision for herself.

It's also interesting to note what you and other readers propose or believe must be the way forward. They both need healing, but clearly all the years they've spent alone and on their own haven't really done anything good to them. And also, they didn't go through a breakup. It's more like a rejection of requited feelings, and like I said to another reader, they don't know what happiness with each other feels like, and they may not exactly need healing from each other. As we've seen, they find comfort in each other. But I totally get what you're saying about needing time away. Much of OC's feelings of being lost and insecure and unfulfilled are tied to her job, and now that she no longer feels bound by it... it's a good thing! This is actually what I was hoping that people would see because echoing what you're also saying, being apart isn't always a bad thing. 😉

We love Mr. Ri! He's such a comforting character, so is Yoongi. And together with Jimin, we see that OC still has good men around her despite the other assholes she dated. 😌 and also, if u think this JK is romantic... AWW WAIT UNTIL rich boyfriend jk happens 🤭🤭 hahaha but anyway. I loved this. Thank you so much for coming out of the shadows and dropping by. I super appreciate it. It makes me feel fulfilled that I could give you something to ponder and hope about. 💕

I hope you're well! Stay safe always! 🫶🏼🫶🏼

[bambirex]

It's A Game We Play: Chapter 5

Pairings: Geraskier, Yennskier, Radskier

Characters: Jaskier, Geralt of Rivia, Yennefer of Vengerberg, Radovid, original female characters, Essi Daven, Priscilla, Ciri of Cintra, Valdo Marx

Additional tags: inspired by Mamma Mia! (movies), crack, alpha/omega/beta dynamics, omega jaskier, alpha geralt, alpha yennefer, beta radovid, awkwardness, jaskier is a good parent, protective jaskier, weddings, found family, post mpreg, fluff and humor, alternate universe-modern setting, jaskier is having the worst time of his life, valdo is here to make everything worse, confusion, banter, insecure jaskier, internalized slut shaming

Rating: teen and up audiences

Full word count: 13,761 words

Chapter word count: 3,051 words

Chapters: 5/?

Summary: Jaskier's daughter is about to marry the love of her life, and she decides she wants both her parents at her wedding. Only problem is that Jaskier has slept with a little too many people in his youth, so the identity of the other parent is a mystery. That does not stop the bride-to-be from inviting three potential daddy candidates and unleashing absolute chaos in the process.

*

Otherwise known as Jaskier's terrible horrible no good past decisions leading to terrible horrible no good outcomes. Also known as the Mamma Mia! AU nobody asked for, but I wrote it anyway.

Chapter summary: In which Jaskier has to deal with PVSD (post-Valdo Stress Disorder), feral goats, and three people from his past that he thought would never ever see again.

Author's notes: Jaskier deserves a break, but he isn't getting one. Sorry, my poor son. I'm continuing my stride of inflicting more emotional turmoil on these poor, unfortunate souls.

Read on Ao3

*

By the time Jaskier got home, he managed to calm down a little bit. Well, he wasn't ready to commit gruesome murder anymore, but his brain was still ticking like a bomb just imagining Valdo Marx's smug grin. Why was this happening to him? What has he done to deserve this? It must have been a cruel, sick play of fate that Sara's mother happened to be best friends with the manager of Valdo's annoying theater band. Jaskier would have to sit down with her and beg her to pick someone else- surely there were other bands that wouldn't ask for millions just to play at a small wedding!

Worst case scenario, he would ask Priscilla and Essi to back him up and play some Sandpipers songs. Amaryllis specifically asked him not to play, because she wanted Jaskier there as a father, not as an employee, but desperate times called for dramatic measures. Either way, Jaskier needed to figure out a way to get rid of his rival before he ruined his beloved baby's big day.

The inn was bustling with guests at this time of the year. Each of them greeted Jaskier happily when he walked through the door. It made Jaskier smile. He had many guests who returned each year, and he saw new faces as well all the time. It was a small business, but people loved the Dandelion Inn, and its owner. Jaskier just wished the costs of holding up a place like that would be cheaper. He's been struggling with paying the bills on time lately, and since the inn was a mostly seasonal business, he had trouble scraping enough money together in the quieter months. But Jaskier promised Auntie he wouldn't let the inn fall apart, no matter what happened.

"Have you seen Amaryllis today?" Jaskier asked Angela, his receptionist. She was a sweet old lady who was hired by Auntie, and Jaskier refused to kick her out, even though she worked slowly and kept mixing up the room numbers. In fact, Jaskier refused to fire anyone from the old staff. There weren't many job opportunities on the island, and even though Jaskier struggled with the costs of keeping all the staff, he didn't want to put them out on the street.

"She had to go to the library, emergency call," Angela explained, not even looking up from her magazine. Jaskier raised an eyebrow.

"Emergency? In a library?"

"The pipes started leaking and she was called in for emergency inventory. But before that, she dropped off a girl here and said something about the goat shed, but I couldn't hear her, you know my ear isn't that good anymore, dear."

"Okay," Jaskier concluded with a sigh. "Wait, what girl? Sara?"

"No, not Sara! I would recognize her! No, it's that one, sitting at that table!"

Jaskier turned to where Angela pointed. A teenage girl with ashen blonde hair was sitting at a table in the lobby, doodling in the guest book. Jaskier didn't recognize her as one of the guests, but with his head being all over the place lately, it was entirely possible he just forgot he's seen her before.

The girl looked up from the guest book and caught Jaskier staring. She grinned and waved at him. Jaskier waved back with a smile. Yeah, must have been one of the guests. He needed to keep better track of these things.

Amaryllis did help him out at the inn when she could, but she had a job at the library and couldn't always be there. Which was a shame, because her memory was much better than Jaskier's. Unfortunately, Jaskier was getting old, he needed to accept it.

"Did Amaryllis say if she fed the goats?" He asked Angela. She didn't react.

"Angela!"

"What was that, dear? You know my hearing isn't great!"

"The goats," Jaskier said louder, articulating each word, "did Amaryllis feed them?"

"I don't know, I don't think so."

Jaskier sighed, slumping against the reception desk. "Great. I'll have to deal with those stinky beasts again."

Another thing Auntie entrusted him with before she died was taking care of her herd of goats. As much as Jaskier loved his aunt, he did curse her sometimes for leaving those animals in his care. He inherited the whole place: not just the inn, but the small flat connected to it where he now lived, and that godforsaken goat shed in the yard.

Jaskier was pretty sure those goats had a personal agenda against him. They were so sweet with the guests, patiently letting small children pet them. They even posed for photos. And they absolutely adored Amaryllis, who, for some reason Jaskier couldn't comprehend, loved those monsters back. Jaskier still remembered the headache when his five years old daughter toddled inside the house with a baby goat in her arms and asked Jaskier if the goat could sleep in her bed. When Jaskier said no, Amaryllis managed to smuggle it in anyway, causing Jaskier a near heart attack when he pulled back the covers one day, and found a goat in the bed instead of his child.

Despite their otherwise sweet behavior, the goats acted completely feral around Jaskier. They bit him and knocked him over constantly, and Jaskier was sure his eardrums would give in one day with how loud they kept screaming. Maybe they sensed he wasn't exactly fond of them. All the same, they were a necessary evil that came with his inheritance.

He changed his clothes quickly, because he was sure his pretty floral shirt would be ripped apart by the goats. He changed it to a simple white shirt and a pair of comfortable shorts before he grabbed a bucket, cursing under his breath all the way to the shed.

"First Valdo Marx, then these fucking goats," Jaskier huffed, "what's next? The aliens will come to abduct me? Fuck's sake. Emergency inventory, my god. As if they don't have several copies of War and Peace. No, let's save the books, it's all fine, who cares that I will be murdered by these monsters?"

He came to a halt before the shed, taking several deep breaths. Alright, he needed to calm down a little bit. He experienced too much stress lately with the wedding planning. Deep breaths, positive thoughts, he told himself. Everything was gonna be okay.

He opened the door and slipped inside the shed, holding the bucket out in front of him like a shield. Just like that, one of the goats, an old, black one that Jaskier was convinced was Satan himself in disguise, knocked into it, sending vegetables flying.

"Asshole," Jaskier huffed, entangling the goat's horns that got twisted in the handle of the bucket. "I brought you lunch, and that's how you thank me!?"

He heard something stir in the corner. One of the baby goats kept sniffing at a large haystack, craning its neck to look behind it. It started stomping on the floor with its hooves, the sound not helping Jaskier's impending headache.

"The hell are you doing there...?"

Jaskier's face went pale when he noticed something that looked like a human leg, pulling back behind the haystack. The blood ran cold in his veins. Someone was in his shed.

"Amaryllis?" He tried. No response came. Jaskier's heart pounded like a hammer inside his chest. He slowly approached the haystack, the hairs on his arms standing on end. When he said he was gonna be abducted, he meant it as a joke!

"Who's there?" Jaskier called again, trying to will his voice not to tremble. "I have a metal bucket in my hands, it hits hard! And I have pepper spray in my pocket! And a rape whistle! I would reveal myself if I were you before it was too late, because I'm... I'm feral!"

A hand emerged from behind the haystack, palm up, as if signaling they came with peace. Jaskier still held onto the bucket, just in case.

The rest of the stranger's body was revealed. Jaskier's eyes widened, and his mouth fell agape. He wobbled on his feet, white noise filling his head. His vision started to swim as amber eyes looked into his own. Familiar white hair, with a few pieces of hay stuck into it. A painfully sharp jawline, now covered with a beard. A tall, broad built, that didn't seem to change all that much since Jaskier last saw him. And he still wore black, from head to toe.

Before Jaskier had a chance to say or do anything, another figure emerged from behind the hay. Jaskier's jaw somehow dropped even lower as he spotted that reddish-blond hair, and those always inquiring blue eyes. Sharp features with thicker stubble than last time. That lean body, clad in expensive clothes. That careful little smile.

Jaskier dropped the bucket, the sound like a gunshot when the third figure came in sight. Black hair, not reaching the middle of her back anymore, just falling past her shoulders. Intense violet eyes. Plump lips, a little chapped. Warm skin and a black dress that hugged her still perfect body.

They all changed here and there, but they mostly looked the same. There was no mistaking them for anyone else. Now, Jaskier only had one question.

"What in the fucking fuck of a fucking hell you all are doing here!?"

"Jaskier," Radovid spoke first, his voice dripping with fake confidence, even though his eyes looked alarmed at Jaskier's outburst. "It's so good to see you, again."

"What are you doing in my goat shed," Jaskier wasn't proud of the way his voice came out as a whimper. But, excuse his French, he was shocked as all hell. Three figures from his past, three people he's romanced literal decades ago, the three people in the sea of his one-night stands that left the biggest mark on him, now stood in front of him. He blinked several times, but the vision didn't pass. They remained standing there, confused, as if they weren't the ones who showed up here for no reason.

"That's a long story," Yennefer sighed. She wrapped her arms around herself as she blinked up at Jaskier. "Shit, it's been a while. I don't know what I'm supposed to say."

"Me neither," Geralt chimed in. He gave Jaskier a small, uncertain smile. Jaskier did his best to ignore the feeling it gave him. "You look..."

"No, no, you're not getting out of this without an explanation," Jaskier scoffed. He put his hands on his hips, glaring at them with all the anger he could muster. "Why are you even on the island? What do you want?"

"What do you mean," Radovid chuckled, a little bitterly, "what do we want? Is this a joke?"

"If it is, it's not funny," Yennefer scoffed. She gently pushed a baby goat away that tried to chew on her dress. "We didn't travel hours on a fucking ferry for you to pretend like you don't know why we're here."

"What!?" Jaskier could feel himself getting hysterical. "What kind of sick prank is this? Which one of you came up with this? How do you even know each other!?"

"Jaskier, we came as quickly as we could," Geralt said. "We dropped everything at home just to come here. It's been... a very weird and exhausting couple of hours. Would you tell us what's going on?"

"Me? You tell me what's going on! I haven't seen your faces in twenty years, and now you suddenly pop up in my freaking goat shed!? And I'm the one who owes YOU an explanation!?"

"You were the one who wrote to us!" Radovid said, pointing a finger at Jaskier and making him raise an eyebrow.

"I beg your pardon?"

"You sent us all an ominous letter, about some life and death situation and how we needed to come see you in person," Yennefer explained. "And that we should pack enough clothes for a few weeks. You promised you would be at the dock, but it was actually your..."

"Wait, wait, wait, wait," Jaskier interrupted her, holding his hands up. He looked over all of them, his confusion growing with each passing second. "Hold your goddamn horses. I did not write you a letter. I didn't write a letter to anyone, let alone the three of you."

"Okay, then what is this?" Geralt asked, reaching into his pocket. He handed Jaskier a crumpled piece of paper. Jaskier skimmed it. The lines blurred together in front of his eyes as he realized what happened.

"That's not my handwriting," he whispered to mostly himself, "that's Amaryllis's."

Oh, holy sweet cow. It all started to make sense. Amaryllis asking about her other parent. Her expressing the need to find out who it is, so they could be there at her wedding. His diary mysteriously switching places in his drawer. He did not misplace that diary. Amaryllis must've taken it out and read it. And she was a smart girl, and a very determined one, as well... if she read it all, if she read about Jaskier's affairs, she put the pieces together - the pieces that Jaskier never dared to.

He nearly collapsed. He only managed to stay on his feet because Geralt caught him around the waist, holding him up.

"You okay?" He asked, his eyes full of concern. The other two moved closer, hovering at his side anxiously. He was surrounded by them in his anguish. It triggered an old dream, a wish he had made a long time ago. Memories flooded his brain, memories of the most intense pain he has ever felt in his life. Pathetically sobbing for someone to come and hold him - Geralt, Radovid, Yennefer, someone, please. I can't do this alone. I wish you were here and held my hand. Auntie, why did you have to leave me so soon? Hell, Mum, I hate you for what you did to me, but I would settle for even you. I just don't wanna give birth alone, don't wanna raise this baby alone, I'm scared, I can't do this...

"My daughter wrote to you," Jaskier whispered. He tore himself away from them, stumbling on his feet. "She pretended to be me to lure you here."

"Fuck," Yennefer whispered, "we've met her."

Jaskier snorted. "You did, huh? I guess she was the one waiting on the docks, then."

"Indeed," Radovid sighed. "She said something about how we should get to know each other better before her wedding, and that one of us should be there for some reason. Then, she practically shoved us back in our cars and told us to drive here. She made us hide out here and she promised she would explain everything, but she got a phone call and left."

"This isn't real," Jaskier laughed hysterically, shaking his head. "This is a nightmare. No, actually, I think I'm dead. And now I'm in hell. Oh, I might be burning soon!"

"Why did Amaryllis write to us?" Geralt asked. "And why does she want us to be there at her wedding?"

"Oh, that's gonna be great. Just absolutely gorgeous. I'm going to strangle her."

"Jaskier," Yennefer hissed, "would you calm down and tell us what's going on!?"

"So, none of you have a hunch," Jaskier snorted. He sighed deeply at their confused stares. "Well, I assume you all realized I've gotten to know each of you pretty well in the past."

"Yeah, we got that," Radovid huffed. Jaskier ignored the emotion the sheer jealousy in his voice evoked in him.

"Well. I have a suggestion why Amaryllis picked you three out of my past affairs, specifically."

Geralt sent him a confused look. "Why?"

"I assume it's because she read my diary, where I wrote about you. And the entries were dated. And well, she might have done a little bit of Math. Which wasn't difficult, considering I'm unmated, so no known daddy or mommy disrupting this lovely picture."

Recognition soon started seeping into their eyes. Their faces turned pale simultaneously.

"When was Amaryllis born?" Radovid asked, his voice barely above a whisper. Jaskier rubbed at his temples, feeling his headache increase.

"May 2003. You're good at Math, aren't you?"

"Now I wish I wasn't," Radovid groaned. Yennefer's eyes widened.

"You're implying that one of us...?"

Geralt swore under his breath. Jaskier imagined the goat shed collapsing over them. He wished it would happen.

"That one of you is Amaryllis's other parent, yes. And she clearly figured that out, too. Congratulations to someone here, I guess."

The silence was deafening except for the goats bleating in the background. Jaskier's three ex lovers stood still as statues, none of them daring to say anything. Jaskier felt a tear run down his face, but he felt too exhausted to wipe it off.

He struggled so hard to forget about them, to erase their smiles, their voices from his mind. To stop remembering their warmth, the feeling of their arms around him. The thought of seeking them out was constantly on the back of his mind after he found out he was pregnant. He knew their address, but he also knew that he didn't mean anything to either of them, not the way they meant to him. They had other things to take care of, and Jaskier wasn't one of them. Would they have even come back, if they found out Jaskier was pregnant? Would they have cared at all? Geralt, with his insistence that he couldn't give Jaskier what he wanted anyway, Radovid with that giant company, and Yennefer who had better hopes than tying herself down on a tiny island - they wouldn't have come back for him, no way.

Why they were here now, Jaskier didn't understand. Why now, after so many years? How come they didn't forget about him? Why were they standing here, staring at him in confusion, after twenty years, just because of a stupid letter?

Maybe it was because they actually... no, he couldn't allow himself to go there. They didn't love him. Not like that. This was all just a giant misunderstanding.

Jaskier felt like he was going to get sick. This was just too much.

He faintly heard them calling his name as he stormed out of the shed, but he didn't turn around.

[stry-someone-to-remember-you]

Update... September was a Weird month for Me

2 Updates bellow come directly from my Art Twitter Account:

#STRY #webcomic I haven't posted art lately, as promised. Life kinda got me. Had a few weird days last month of random depression (I mean I know definitely why it happened has to do with something from last September... but I won't get into it)...Then other times this fixation with the novel or jobsearch. Trying to get back in routine of exercising and art. I hope next few weeks to post more. #STRY #SomeoneToRememberYou The #novel is coming together. It still will be several months and still getting everything in life, and the web comic together. But I'm honestly excited! I think I have the final Novel Summary down, -some cuts. Let me know if you want to see it.

~~~~ Sssooooo.... Lets Expand on what I mention above...

WHAT I'VE BEEN UP TO:

I felt more pressure as I also realized Indeed after I worked my ass off fixing my resume and my cover letter, had gone and saved the rough draft version so for the last several months I was using the poorly fixed version of both and had to fix everything again... I really don't like the side but it's one of the best for job searching. I admit my hours for art started becoming a game of job searching, going through the stressful process. I call it a game cause it was almost like an addiction. Especially after realizing I was using this whole time the wrong form of my resume and cover letter. You don't know how embarrassed that was, especially since I'm applying mostly for secretary positions. Talk about FACEPALM... I've told myself my old rule not to look at Job Apps at night, leave them be so I can focus on art... (I also watched a few new to me shows, I've been meaning to watch... got addicted lost time watching them, then came to find out they have a horrible ending *cough* Devil is a Part Timer *cough* yeah took a day to realize that has creeper predator ending) I really fell off my exercise routine which I tell myself I have to do (about for an hour) before I do art, mostly to stay healthy so I can keep doing what I love. I hope to just post some stuff and finally involve myself in the month challenge. Even if late. Stay tuned if I manage that... On my other profiles, job searching since fixing that "accident" up I have had several interviews scheduled since. Tomorrow I have a few scheduled and am so ready. Although, I admit I'm hoping for once with benefits, my last job promised it but never gave any. So I really hope to find one with such. And that will eventually help me in my potential career. If things keep not working, due to having a few friends on the force I've honestly considered going into the academy if things keep not panning out job wise. But they seem to be looking up. And I have looked into doing book reading jobs as well. So I have several avenues I'm looking at just in case. #WISHMELUCk Hopefully, you hear more from me art wise.

I want to thank the many people who've subscribed since my last few posts. Also so sorry for any art friends that think I may have dropped off all of a sudden. I'm still here. Just knd went through some odd motions..

~~~~ Update on Last Post (about the date): Lastly, to my update on going on a date. Yeah it was fine, conversations were odd afterwords and I can't say I felt much after the fact so I don't think that's going anywhere. Took a few weeks away from social dating apps/sites as I can get addicted to focusing on them. I'm trying to control the sudden addictive phases of solely focusing on this or that. I know it's cause I've been more nervous lately not getting previously during the summer more then a few job interviews and wondering what was wrong. Now that I've solved that issue and have several lined up, I'm finally kinda taking the reigns again and switching my focus art I was working on and art for the story.

~~~~~~~~~~

STORY UPDATES:

As for S.T.R.Y... Someone TO Remember You.... I hope to work on the Initial (last valentines day) Hint Post of the main characters which has been sitting in half unfished limbo for months now. And work quickly on the Sneak peak of the characters and full Face Reveal before or Around Halloween, cause I recently was introduced to a fandoms that I really want to use for a character halloween pic. It may be posted after Halloween. But I have an idea of what I'm wanting to do. I can't promise all my plans will work My Dad's birthday is this month, and though he's busy I know we are thinking of celebrating it a month later. So some of my focus will be put to that while the long time he's off working assisting my disabled mother with her many cleaning projects. I promised to help her around the front yard, especially with Halloween coming up for the trick-or-treaters. (Since my mom has mobility issues I'm often the one in charge of answering the door or such. So course I go all out dressing up. And I know it's important to all of use that the house looks good in the areas that can be seen. I wasn't able to do much last year since I was suffering Anxiety. I want to make up for things I haven't done. So I know the many art projects I want to do this month may not occur. But I wanted you to know what plans I'm hoping to do. I know I often pile on a lot, so I'm just saying what I hope accomplish but may not be able to fully do. That's my update so far... Stay tuned. Stay Sweet. PS. Ironic but I finally am just going to work on my UPDATE Comic that Legit I put on hold Two Years almost to this day to Job Search back near the end of the pandemic and now I'm picking it up again. WHy? THe Update is just me using my Authors character, by promoting the story and saying a little about myself. It was my way of practicing making a comic while making art. But, I told myself I wouldn't use the author character to make updates till I posted the comic. I've had so many times the last four months I wanted to make updates. Had a good plan but knew it would be redundant later posting the Update Comic I still plan on. I'm finally at a point where I want to work back on in (with the extended pages to add Recent updates rather then 2 years ago updates)... Then from then on, I hope to have shorter updates where I just use my Author Character to give updates without these long paragraphs and just short tidbits.... I've mentioned it before. But finally want to announce I'm working on finishing that... I still have a art project I'm making as a present, which is Half Way to completion. I added way more elements to it then I planneda nd just had numerous computer issues or life issues that got in the way of that getting completed. I also have a few fan Henry Stickmin art pieces I ALMOST forgot about from April and May I want to get back to soon.... So to say I have alot of art on the way Is not Putting it lightly. I have alot Of future Art coming up.

[cromulentenough]

i'd basically given up on friendship and romance over the last several years, and was i think genuinely more content for it compared to before where i wanted it but couldn't get it. The pandemic helped because there was less expectation to be pursuing in person social interaction.

I did a lot of processing of a bunch of stuff over the pandemic, i'm more ok with myself and have dealt with a lot of the self loathing and shame i used to have about wasted potential and with fear of abandonment. Also like, figuring out Gender Stuff. Maybe I could have gotten there faster with therapy or something but having several years of burnout did let me eventually get there. (I didn't associate it with autism before but seeing stuff about autistic burnout maybe it was that? it did start at the end of uni).

I think I'm at the point where I'm genuinely ok with being alone. But OTOH it would still be nice to have some close friendships and romantic relationships. But i think not being desperate for it the way i used to be might make that work better now?

My social skills have atrophied after not doing any socializing for so long, which makes sense. Trying to be social again and my social anxiety is 'back' but i don't know if it's back or it was just not being activated because i wasn't being social, or i'm not apathetic about stuff like i used to be and that was cancelling it out before. But i do seem to be better about recognizing it and compartmentalizing it than i used to be. I'm anxious in the moment but i don't spiral like i used to and can ride it out. I still get pangs of jealousy but it's less intense and again i can ride it out until it passes rather than letting it spiral.

I'd been in a state of 'ok this is better than you've been in the past, sure you could improve but don't mess with it in case you return' for a while, but i'm finally in the state of being willing to try and get beyond here.

Started the programming course thing which was I was very lucky to find, it's baby steps for social interaction and getting better about working regularly while still being flexible enough that i'm not punished for failing to do a full time week. And the garunteed job on the horizon is nice too. Didn't fully realize how draining the old job was.

Bit worried about hurting people by not being able to Social Enough and that's kinda prevented me from starting/ developing relationships with people. Also no idea how to go about dating now that i'm ready for it again. I'd used OKCupid in the past and i think i might be more successful at it with the me i am now, but from what i hear okcupid sucks these days, and i don't really hear much better things about the rest of the dating apps. I don't really know how to be flirty without being worried about being creepy if it's unwanted. 'dating app where it's explicitly about that' seemed like it would be the solution but apparently it doesn't end up working that way on top of it just not being great from the AMAB side of things.

Mostly a ventpost and me trying to start posting more here about myself rather than mostly just reblogging without comment like i usually do. But also if i have any mutuals in london/ travelling to london soon who want to meet up in person let me know.

[gobbluthbutagirl]

sorry if this is weird but as someone who hates their hometown and wants to leave it's very inspiring to see your posts about hating south carolina/wanting to get back to la...gives me hope that one day i will also escape lol. anyway hope you're doing well i'm rooting for you from afar

thank you! not weird at all don’t worry! and you WILL escape one day i believe in you!

also i know you didn’t ask but number one piece of advice i can give for Getting The Hell Out is once you do Get The Hell Out do NOT compromise about where you live. if there is virtually nothing you like about an apartment do NOT move in there! you will NOT magically start liking it at a later date! and it’s one thing if you hate where you work because you don’t live at your job but if you hate where you live too? you’re pretty much screwed because that’s what you have to go home to every night. that’s the main thing i did wrong because i was kind of in a beggars can’t be choosers type situation(no credit score, no rental history, no current income and my last job in sc had paid me like $4 below what LA’s minimum wage was at the time) and i didn’t want to keep airbnb hopping, i wanted to start my life in la NOW so i moved into the first place that would take me and that place was an old ugly dirty tiny shithole studio with no oven and a one-legged florida man landlord named dave who still had a “stop the obama agenda” sticker from 2010 on his wall and it cost $1,425 a month. SAD!

and then the other big thing i did wrong was, because tipped workers in LA make the same minimum wage as non-tipped workers, i applied for retail jobs instead of serving jobs. and obviously it depends on where you’re trying to go because that’s kind of an LA-specific thing and if you move somewhere where tipped workers make $2.13 an hour it obviously does not matter nearly as much. but i could have been making waaaaaay more money that whole time had i not gotten so caught up in the triumphs and defeats, the epic highs and lows of World’s Worst Target.

but yeah. live and learn! and the great thing about the way it worked out for me(getting so fed up with that apartment that i decided to go back to my hometown temporarily instead of staying there for potentially 6+ more months while i found a new job and accumulated the 3 months of paystubs i’d need to move to another place) is i still have all the money i had managed to save up while working at target. which is enough that i can literally move back at any time. and i have a temporary “job” that i’m doing right now that will probably last until mid-september (it’s a process that i’d estimate is about 65% done currently) which coincidentally happens to be the “ideal” time to look for a job according to some guy buzzfeed wrote an article about who’s worked in hr for like 20 years. so probably september/october i’ll start doing some WFH customer service job and between january and march i’ll have been at that job long enough to have 3 months of paystubs and will therefore be able to move back to LA & into a non-shithole apartment. so ultimately at the end of the day i do believe it’ll all work out for me. And also that, as a wise episode of 30 rock once said, sometimes the way back up is down

[bikepackinguk]

Day One Hundred and Four

Well rested and up at 7am this morning in a pleasantly sheltered patch of trees a little outside of Wareham, it's time for another day at it!

On to the road, it's an easy start to the day with a gentle roll over the River Frome and through the nice little town of Wareham.

The place still seems to be in the process of waking up currently, and the streets are nice and quiet as I ride through and out over the River Piddle or Trent.

Rather than getting the overpriced ferry down at Shell Bay, I'm tracking around the bay and heading up the A351, which has a nice compliment of cyclable pathways running up past the busy dual carriageway junctions and into Upton.

A bice long run of road down through Hamworthy brings me back to the waterside once more to the nice quayside down at Poole.

It's now time for a stretch of riding that I've been looking forward to since seeing its potential coming up in the map, with many decent flat miles ahead of waterside riding. Let's get to it!

Around Poole Quay and past the harbourside, the trail leada on through Baiter Park with the water lapping up right next to the paving.

The path rolls past the boating lake before a short leg through some busy roads, before dropping dowj back onto the shore road.

I follow the road out for a loop around Sandbanks and past the ferry terminal, before heading back and turning off to hit the beach.

Ahead is a beautiful long run of promenade next to the lovely sandy beach, running for miles below Bournemouth's pretty cliffsides.

The day is a little grey still which is keeping tue seaside a bit quieter so far, which means fewer pedestrians to navigate around as I enjoy a nice gentle flat ride around the beach.

It's a lovely bit of riding as I roll up and around Bournemouth Pier and onwards along the full run of promenade up to the far edge of Southbourne, where I pick back up with NCN Route 2 as it heads up over the River Stour and in through Christchurch.

The town is quite busier than the beach today, so I keep at the trail as it heads out around some nice trails through Stanpit Marsh and then up along the side of the River Mude.

Past some busy road junctions, the route does a good job of keeping out of traffic is it twists through some back roads and out into the countryside once more.

It's time for another unland diversion here with a bit that I've been looking forward to as Route 2 heads up into the beautiful woodlands and moors or the New Forest.

After meandering through the roads here, the route heads past Holmsley and hits the offroad trails through open land filled with horses and cattle roaming freely.

The terrain isn't ideal for my loaded touring bike, but I'm setting a gentle pace and ensuring the bumps and rocks aren't too much of a hazard.

The route heada down some lovely forested trails and along a lovely old rail line before swinging into Brockenhurst.

Even the more urban parts of New Forest are amazing to see, as horses and donkeys roam the streets here and do not give one single damn about the flowing traffic.

With a bemused smile on my face, I roll through and out of town and back to the trails, where I have to navigate through another herd of horses.

I also catch sight of an elusive grass snake speeding out of my way, which causes a laugh of joy. They're an animal I've loved since I was a child and seeing one is a highlight of the entire trip.

Slowly making my way along the stoney trail, the route through the forests lead out past the campsite at Denny Wood and onto the road across the wide open moors. There's a good bit of crosswind blowing along here, but the cycle route soon turns once again to set it at my back.

Past more moorlands and patches of woods, the route heads past a busy bypass and into the edges of Applemore with a convenietly placed supermarket for me to stop off at.

With the day getting in and a long urban stretch ahead, it looks like a good position to settle up for the day!

It's been a very enjoyable run today and the terrain is getting so much easier to tackle now I'm out of the real tough hills and cliffs if the West Country. A check of the map suggests that I may only be around 400 or so miles from the end of my ride now, which is a scarily short distance considering how far I've come! We'll see how the rest of the week unfurls!

TTFN!

[syeunko]

Boston homecoming

I looked back at my unfinished goodbye post for Boston from two years ago now, and I had this Joan Didion quote in there: "a place belongs forever to whoever claims it hardest, remembers it most obsessively, wrenches it from itself, shapes it, renders it, loves it so radically that he remakes it in his own image.” Then I'd written, "Boston belongs to me."

Which is 1) not true and 2) funny because I left Boston. And I most definitely did not remake Boston in my own image. But I'm back now! Like Colin said, "The prodigal daughter returns..."

On Monday, Bella picked me up from the airport, smiley and bubbly as per usual, wearing the matching green shirt I'd gotten for us to wear when we moved into 372 McGrath. It was a full circle moment.

I had my first meal at 223 Pearl St in my empty room, on the floor, with Junwon. It felt right, though it probably shouldn't have.

Sam (and Junwon, but mostly Sam) built my very complicated furniture. In the pictures I took of them assembling my furniture, Sam is hunched or huddled over the instruction manual or the furniture parts. The posture reminded me of how Sam had earnestly prayed for me during my last MNP I cried through before I left for NY.

On Thursday, I went to the Symphony July 4th picnic, where I saw Kevin and Grace. Seeing them - my spiritual anchors and my closest friends - felt like I had really, truly returned to Boston.

I met up with Glo on Friday afternoon. When I left Boston, I remember feeling disappointed we wouldn't be able to capitalize on our friendship potential. While catching up, Gloria said, "I didn't expect you to come back." I responded, "I didn't expect you to still be here." We agreed that we were both glad that I was back, she was still here, and that we could hang out more.

Afterwards, Yeojin and I had dinner at home. With Yeojin, I become more extroverted, expressive, and open, probably because she is so introverted and quiet. I decided during our surprisingly lengthy conversation I like her a lot. I like watching her reactions and large doe eyes process things in real time, and I think I'll learn a lot from her.

In true Allison fashion, we (including Alex) grabbed a nice brunch on Saturday. I love them so. They are so amusing (Allison) and cute (Alex). That is all.

Christine graciously cooked me a roasted salad for dinner, which we ate with Alisha. I definitely felt my old(er) age, but it was nice feeling like I was in college again; our conversations were extremely frivolous yet extremely entertaining.

I spent all of Sunday with Esther. After lunch, I cried and sniffled at her in a cafe, where she suddenly slapped an open water bottle in a failed bug assassination attempt, and water splashed everywhere. We laughed so hard (I think I have the most deliriously stupid yet glorious laughs with Esther), and then I cried again when she offered to keep me company for the rest of the day because I was so sad. How lucky am I to have a friend like Esther - "my heart is vibrating with tenderness."

Today, I walked to MNP for old times sake. It took me an hour and twenty minutes. I stopped at the bridge Hanna would always force us to take selfies at, and I took a shy solo selfie in remembrance (idk why I'm acting like someone died). To me, MNPs are like showers: I never feel excited about them but I always feel better afterwards. Kevin led worship again today. Him leading is my favorite not only because the worship is objectively the best but also because it's so comforting. Esther and I got to pray together; "Thank you God that we get to pray together in this moment!"

After we shared and prayed with each other, Esther said, "The way you speak kind of reminds me of Job." She opened up the bible and pointed to "Job Continues: My Life Has No Hope." I just about died laughing. Alas, such are the overdramatized and over-romanticized lives of Enneagram 4s. She is currently at my desk finishing up a discussion post as I write this, and I am reassured again by her presence.

That about sums up my first week back in Boston. It had so many good, sweet moments, but so much sadness too. I miss Duke and my family a lot, which is bittersweet. In some ways, being back in Boston is exactly what I'd imagined, but also nothing like I'd expected it to be, and I feel a lot of grief in that lost hope. But I shall still trek along in hopes and with gingerly-held faith that things will only get better from here. I'm home!

[pinkpantherjam]

It is never too late to reroute

Today is May 27, 2024 and i have decided to resign from my job. I had plan B's? Yes. Do i imagine what i will be in the next few months? Yes. But am i really certain of the exact things that will happen in the future? No.

Part of me loved what i do because i get to use my skills, i get paid well, i work in a "Bank" and i love the thought that i get to work with big people who have big dreams too. I remembered the lines i said during my interview that kept me going despite of how challenging the workplace was and how heavy the responsibilities were. I said "for the record, i you will hire me i will be the youngest employee.." And i said that with pride and confidence. Bottomline, I was accepted and i waited for a month to start. It was hard the first few months especially during training, i gave it a chance because they saw my potential and maybe because i am still in the process of learning. On the other hand, this was the job that gave me a second chance in life. After everything that has happened to me in the past year, after losing it all, i was hired in Citi which helped me move into a new apartment, pay my bills, treat myself and the people i love and get to buy what i need and want. It was like a fresh start that i had a new personality and i met new people too. That workplace gave me a positive outlook that it is never bad to have big dreams. Over the course, months and months passed and there came a time i started becoming so overwhelmed, exhausted, and everything felt like heavy rocks all piled up in my back. Apparently, it also affected my health. I was so busy that i never noticed i was slowly putting myself in a box where i was limited to the things i wanted to do. Due to time constraint i can't go out more often and the job consumed most of my energy that i felt i was stuck. Sleep has been my go-to whenever i'm off work. Deep down i wished i had more resources, flexible time and more strength to explore the world.

I was so envy that some girls get to do their passion while being paid for it so i was considering it as an inspiration. I came upon another young girls' tiktok video. A 20-year old girl like me who started up a business at a very young age producing products made for women's comfort and there she said, it was never to late to become what you want to be in life. I also came across an article about old people being asked on the street about what was their life's biggest regret or what they regret not doing while they were still young. And an old woman simply said "I regret not doing what i love and limiting myself to my capacities. I didn't know life was short and the world is round that i could have tried a different path or direction than being stuck to the same job, same lifestyle, same routine over and over that i did not notice i was getting old and it consumed my youth". Those words became my awakening and i really thought i have already started a new life and i am currently in the middle chapter, but no. It was always fear that kept me from not trying. Of course i am afraid, i do not have back ups because i am the back up. And once i leave there is no turning back. But a Taylor Swift line pushed my buttons saying "Everything you lose, is a step you take". So i am taking this risk for the hopes of becoming what i actually want to be.

I want to be a painter, a make up artist, a bookkeeper, a freelancer that gets paid dollars hourly, i want to be a model, a star, a free diver, a traveller, a chef, or i might consider joining Miss Universe in the near future. I will make sure i get to fulfill my childhood dream and find the opportunity to study again and graduate. I gotta be the first person to graduate in this family.

I still have plenty of time, i am still 20, i can still reroute, i can still choose a path that is close to my heart. I can still explore. I had to learn it the hard way that if i save things for later, it might not be happening anymore. Later, i might lose interest. I might overgrow from it. Later, day turns into night. Life will just pass by and we'll all just eventually grow old.I don't want to have any regrets in life. I may not know what's going to happen next but i'll work hard to climb up high. This is for me and for my future self.

[ilaiyayaya]

🤔i don't know what to do now.

I was gonna look into getting HRT, and I'm probably still gonna do that pretty soon, but then my car died and I had to spend nearly 4k on a new one, which luckily I saved enough to where I'm still fine, but it did completely interrupt my streak of productivity towards doing trans stuff. On top of that, having to be around both my father and one of my uncles almost every day for the last 2 weeks to deal with said car has caused a massive drop in mental health and I've especially been in kill mode for the last 48 hours, which makes it kinda hard to get anything else done.

Overall tho, getting a car now is probably a net positive, I'm not gonna have to worry about panicking to get a car as quickly as possible after I moved out because if my old one had died after I left, but before I was able to get a new one, I would've probably been really fucked. Not great timing to happen at this exact moment though.

And on the topic of moving out, I don't really have any reason to not just move to an entirely different state now. I'm not entirely sure where to move, wherever it is, realistically it'll probably be relatively short-term, but every reason I had before to stay in my current area is kinda gone, I have a car now and thus won't have to worry as much about dying on the road while driving 500,000,000,000 kilometers to another state, I pretty much exclusively talk to all of my friends online now, even the ones that I do live near, so that won't really change much, I kinda hate my job now and have been heavily considering quitting since like, November so like, don't really care to stay here just for that. The only real reason I have to stay here is that living expenses are fairly cheap, but this is far from the only area in the country where that's the case, and I know there are other places that are even cheaper. My reasons for needing to leave keep increasing too, the core general reason is just, my family live here, and I want most of my family dead (and some of them want me dead too!) but more specifically, my mother almost certainly knows I'm still living here by this point, I learned about 6 months ago that she had moved back here after being in another state for the last 5 years, and while I'm not in contact with her at all, it's not unlikely that she's heard from someone else that I'm here, possibly even where I work or any other information, and her knowing literally anything about my current location pretty much puts a timer on my life because she really does not want me to be alive. Tension with the rest of my family has also gotten significantly worse in the last few months (which is largely my fault but like, what am I supposed to do, not tell my uncle to kill himself???), which really I don't care much about, most of them I normally see 5 times per year max, and even the few I do see more often than that have extremely little impact on my life, but the bigger concern is that a couple of them have definitely, at least to some degree, caught onto me being trans. Or maybe they just think I'm gay but like either way it's a potential problem for me, my family is extremely bigoted (the uncle I told to kill himself literally prompted me to say that by going on a massive rant about electric cars being bad because, something about them all being made by f*gs??? idk being in the same room as that man is like being in the same room as a stereotypical 4chan user, but like, the worst kind) (that uncle btw is not one of the relatives that have probably caught onto me being trans, he is so incredibly dense that I could probably directly tell him I'm trans myself and he probably just like, wouldn't even process it and then somehow use it as an opportunity to tell me to remove all of my money from the banks because the blog he read says joe biden is gonna pass a bill tomorrow that makes banks disappear). Biggest reason why I think some of them know is because a couple of them (one in particular, a different uncle than the one i told to kill himself) have really started to enjoy bringing up conversation topics related to trans and gay people, and my answer is always just complete neutrality, but in a way where it is so extremely obvious that I am just trying to say whatever gets them to shut the fuck up. If any of them, or especially my father who I currently live with, had 100% concrete proof that I'm trans, it would become completely insufferable, I would actually end up murdering one of them within a week I am certain of it, even just being in the same area and them knowing where I live, they would make my life hell immediately, and I'd really rather just not deal with that, and it's really hard to fully cut contact with those people if I'm living in the same town as them, even if I try to.

Another one of the other reasons I had for just getting an apartment where I currently live was that I had a few options for potential roommates, which would make paying rent a lot easier, but that's not the case anymore, some of those options went away once I came out as trans, some I am absolutely not comfortable with living with anymore, a few have since found other roommates or just moved out on their own, and the rest are all just other miscellaneous reasons. I don't really have any viable options for roommates in other states either, but since I don't have any here either, it doesn't really make much of a difference. I technically do know people elsewhere that would probably be willing to live with me, the problem is they're all either in other countries, which I'd be fine with eventually, but not right now, or they're in texas or florida, so, so many in texas and florida, texas especially, why is everyone i know in texas i am not moving to texas especially when most of the people i know that already live there hate it. so yea I'm pretty much on my own unless I want to move to the UK or Texas and I'm not doing that, luckily I expected and prepared for this so I should be fine financially for at least 1 year even on my own, even if it's not ideal. Financially I'm probably fine moving somewhere else, the main concern is everything else cuz like, I'm dumb. and stupid. and incompetent. and i fuck everything up and am bad at everything. Me being stupid and incompetent still applies to living the same state i currently do but like, 🤔idk i just feel like i'd be more likely to have actual consequences for being a massive fuckup somewhere that isn't here. But like yea I'm an idiot.

I don't even know where I would move, for the last few months I was looking into apartments with the intent of temporarily living here for like 6 more months, but again, new car, no more reasons to stay, I think it'd kinda just be a waste of 6 months at this point. But if I commit to moving to a different state I'll have to completely restart the process of searching for an apartment, except it'll be even harder because I don't even know where to look for an apartment at, like I don't know where I want to go I just know I can't be here for much longer. Plus moving states probably requires a bunch of paperwork stuff, like, I probably need a new license for that state and like uhhh new bank account because the current bank i use only has locations in this state and i don't know how hard all of that stuff is to do, like I said I'm a stupid idiot that's incompetent and dumb and should die. Guess I'll die then cause as I've been writing this I'm becoming more and more committed to the idea of just saying fuck it and leaving, I have no clue how much longer it'll take to find a place and get everything sorted out in order to move states but like, if I stay in this town for another 6 months or more like my original plan I am absolutely going to end up killing myself, and that would not be fun so I'd rather not do that.

Idk whether it'd be better to just start hrt after finding another place, or go back to trying to get it now, because on one hand finding somewhere in another state could potentially take a lot longer than it would've taken to find a place in this town and each month that goes by without me being on estrogen is another month closer to the guillotine, but also if I try starting hrt immediately after I move out it'd just be adding to the pile of things to be stressed about because I'd be going through the whole process of trying to get it while also trying to figure out everything else. I was trying to list reasons why both starting hrt now, and starting hrt later have downsides, but I think I literally just gave reasons for why starting hrt later would be bad, but like trust me there are reasons why looking into getting it now would also be hard and potentially bad, it's fine it's fine I have the excuse of being kinda tired and extra mentally ill after just getting out of one of the worst meltdowns I've ever had over the last 24 hours so like it's fine if everything I say is completely incomprehensible verbal slop I get the free pass to be unhinged right now if you yell at me for being insane right now you're being mean and unfair and i'll cry. Mods decipher what anything said in this entire multi-paragraph rant means even I, the writer, the author, the director, the lead actor, do not understand what literally any of it means. I should probably sleep but mania hittin too hard to do so so instead time to listen to the Colress battle theme on loop and walk in circles (a normal tuesday (chewsday innit)).

I am so confused

[mediaevalmusereads]

The Cassandra. By Sharma Shields. Holt, 2019.

Rating: 2/5 stars

Genre: historical fiction

Series: N/A

Summary: Mildred Groves is an unusual young woman. Gifted and cursed with the ability to see the future, Mildred runs away from home to take a secretary position at the Hanford Research Center in the early 1940s. Hanford, a massive construction camp on the banks of the Columbia River in remote South Central Washington, exists to test and manufacture a mysterious product that will aid the war effort. Only the top generals and scientists know that this product is processed plutonium, for use in the first atomic bombs.

Mildred is delighted, at first, to be part of something larger than herself after a lifetime spent as an outsider. But her new life takes a dark turn when she starts to have prophetic dreams about what will become of humankind if the project is successful. As the men she works for come closer to achieving their goals, her visions intensify to a nightmarish pitch, and she eventually risks everything to question those in power, putting her own physical and mental health in jeopardy. Inspired by the classic Greek myth, this 20th century reimagining of Cassandra's story is based on a real WWII compound that the author researched meticulously. A timely novel about patriarchy and militancy, The Cassandra uses both legend and history to look deep into man's capacity for destruction, and the resolve and compassion it takes to challenge the powerful.

***Full review below.***

CONTENT WARNINGS: racism, homophobia, sexism, blood, gore, disturbing injuries, violence, rape, suicidal ideation, abuse

OVERVIEW: I saw this book as I was searching for interesting retellings of Greek myths. I'm not one for historical retellings; I much prefer stories which take the myth and adapt it to a new setting, so this looked promising. Overall, I can see what Shields was trying to do, and I respect her for that, but I also think a lot of things could have been done better. What mainly made this a 2 star read was the passivity of the protagonist, the general disinterest in the government project, the sexual assault, and some random racism/sexism that felt inserted for "historical accuracy." So while I liked the premise, I just did not enjoy the book as a whole as much as I wished.

WRITING: Shields's writing throughout this book is fine. I think on a sentence level, everything flows nicely and balances showing and telling well, and it moves quick enough where a reader won't get bored. I may have some sections where I can nit pick, but overall, Shields gets the job done.

I do think, however, that Shields has a tendency to get a little repetitive with certain ideas. She constantly has Mildred evaluating men as potential husbands, for example, or thinks back to her terrible mother. While I can understand inserting these things sometimes, I think Shields overdid it a tad.

Shields also writes in some random racism, sexism, and homophobia that could have worked towards exploring a theme, but ultimately felt inserted for the sake of historical accuracy. Rather than thinking about how the voices of the marginalized are dismissed and how that could be reflected in the Cassandra myth, racist, sexist, and homophobic comments come out of characters' mouths for no reason except to be annoying and terrible, and they dampened my enjoyment of the novel. It made me think that Shields had less interest in thinking about big ideas and more interest in showcasing how racist/sexist/homophobic the 1940s were.

PLOT: The plot of this book follows Mildred Groves, a 20 year old woman who leaves home to work as a secretary at a top secret government facility during World War II. Mildred is unique because she is plagued by visions, all of which come true, but no one believes her when she begins to see the future damage done by the government project she's helping to create.

The premise of this story was very compelling. I liked the idea of adapting the Cassandra myth to World War II, and I doubly liked the implications tied to warning people about the destruction nuclear technology will release on the world yet not being heeded.

Unfortunately, this book doesn't seem as interested in building up the suspense in that regard as it is interested in the day-to-day interpersonal relationships between Mildred and a handful of other employees. While I think these social dynamics are fun and interesting, I felt like the narrative was lopsided; Mildred didn't interact with her scientist boss enough to give me the sense that she was picking up on the nature of the government project, and she wasn't so disturbed by her visions that she wanted to learn more. Personally, I would have liked to see a balance so that tension exists in both the government side of things and the personal side.

Speaking of the visions, I wish Shields had done more with them - namely, using them to spur character action. Most of the time, it felt like Mildred would have a vision and then kind of brush it off. She doesn't really take initiative, using the vision to prompt any investigation. It was quite frustrating because it made Mildred feel passive.

Lastly, I wasn't a fan of Shields trying to shove a message about patriarchy into the last third of the book. Around that point, the atomic bombs are dropped and Mildred is raped, which is not only deeply upsetting but is made worse when multiple characters blame her for it. I understand Shields is trying to explore patriarchy and is referencing the Cassandra myth, but I personally found that my enjoyment tanked around that point. The shift in tone was also quite jarring, and I wasn't entirely sure what I was supposed to take away from it.

TL;DR: The Cassandra has a fascinating premise but ultimately fumbles the plot and character development. I'm not sure what I was supposed to take away from this novel, as every gesture towards patriarchy and complicity in atrocity was only explored on a surface-level, and all intrigue involving the atomic bomb was sucked out of the story in favor of interpersonal drama that culminated in some truly horrible things.

CHARACTERS: Mildred, our protagonist, left me with some mixed feelings. On the one hand, I can sympathize with a naive girl who wants to leave her home, perhaps make something of herself and live her own life. I can also understand how terrifying it might be for her to have the visions she does. On the other hand, she also seems a tad bit... I don't know. Cruel? The story alludes to her pushing her mother into a river, and though she has some remorse, the guilt doesn't weigh on her as much as one might expect. Mildred also has these little moments that seem odd, like when she mentions she likes the idea of men being violent because it means they are heroic. She also does something terrible towards the end of the book, and her self-loathing for being "complicit" in the bomb felt surface-level - things that made me truly dislike her.

Beth, Mildred's closest friend, was fine. I liked that she cared for Mildred and watched out for her like an older sister. I also liked that Mildred thought herself to be in love with her in a way. The main thing I disliked, however, was her victim blaming, which I guess made sense but still left a bad taste in my mouth.

Gordon, Beth's love interest and Mildred's tormenter, is complete trash, but I think Shields did a good job making him seem charismatic to everyone except Mildred. It helped sell the idea that he never gets to fave consequences for his actions.

Tom Cat, a sweet man who falls for Mildred, seems entirely likable and gentle, and I liked him a lot. Mildred treats him horribly, however, and while I don't think she should be obligated to return affections if she does t feel them, some of her thoughts about Tom Cat seemed unkind.

Mildred's family was also quite awful and I hated the way they spoke to her. There were times when I was unsure if their verbal barbs were supposed to be affectionate (the way some people use insults to express love), but some of their speech was awful enough where I didn't much care.

[galactichelium]

Man. This is the least I have drawn in like, at least 10 years. I don't know why I've been lacking in ideas. Though, admittedly, on the 1 or 2 ideas I have been able to come up with, due to not drawing for so long, now I've lost my rhythm with drawing and nothing even comes close to looking right. Augh. I really hope I'm able to get back into drawing eventually. Because I really do love drawing.

Extended ramble below the cut 😭. It wasn't supposed to be so long but it just kept getting longer. Basically, tl;dr: There are SO many fucking factors that have seemingly contributed to this. More than I realised before making this post, even.

I think probably part of this also is my chronic pain, because I think I first got into this art block back in December 2021. Of which being when my chronic pain started getting really bad. Though, back then it wasn't as bad as it has become. Up until around August 2022 I was still for the most part making a drawing a month. But since then, I've only drawn 2 drawings. One in December, and then one in February. And I didn't even post the February one.

Another potential factor is that, well, my art blog url is "officialkarkat". At the time, it did feel like a proper expression of me, as I tied a lot of my sense of identity to this character, but. Around the same time my chronic pain started getting worse weirdly enough, was around the time when I began to realise that while initially doing this did help me figure out a lot about myself, at this point, it felt more like something I was hiding behind. Not being my true self. (Not that I'm not a kinnie anymore, I am, but yeah.) But then I've been stuck on what to do, because I've HAD that url for 2 or 3 years, and I also still can't even think of anything better lmfao.

There's also the fact that I did get a job in October 2022. While I have very little hours, it still does get in the way because I always have work on Fridays. Almost always exclusively. So the rest of the weekdays I get stuck in ADHD "waiting" mode, waiting for work at the end of the week. And the weekends feel like a recovery period.

I also am now using a completely different art program as of December 2022. Because I've been trying to switch computers, but wanted Linux on my newer one, but I couldn't get CSP to work on it despite my numerous attempts at different methods. So while I have completed 2 drawings using my new art program of choice (Krita), and have become more familiar with it by messing around in it every now and again, it still doesn't quite feel like home. Does that make sense.

And last potential factor. My newer computer is a desktop computer instead of something like my Surface Pro was, which, in hindsight, was a kick in the foot. I thought it'd be better because I could get better specs for cheaper with a desktop. And I thought that getting a graphics tablet would be all that I needed to get right back into it. But I didn't realise just how essential being able to pick up a pen at any time and just start drawing was, to my drawing process. Back then this was true, but even more so now with my chronic pain, of which gets worse with inactivity, thus making big drawing sessions impossible. Though when I got this desktop (June 2021), that was yet to be a big factor. I mostly only even got a new computer because well... my surface pro, at the time, was 8 years old. Now it's 10 years old. I got it second-hand 5 and a half years ago from eBay. It could now probably fall apart at any moment. I'm surprised it hasn't already. Though there are a lot of problems with it tbf. However all this being said, having my desktop computer has helped with chronic pain in a different way. Y'know, having more proper posture. But it still comes at a cost with how accessible drawing is.

But honestly, out of all of these. The two biggest factors getting in the way right now I feel like are the fact that I'm very out-of-practice, making it harder to get back into it, and the chronic pain. But. Augh. All of these different things happening all at once 😭