#but I want to put in genuine effort so bad

[neztune]

“I am the reason for my own doom,” I remind myself as I start yet another HTTYD project

So, take the super rough draft of a dumb lil comic I want to make of a moment in a short deaged Hiccup idea I had :3 I didn’t want to forget this one

And in case anyone can’t read my writing, cause I know one of my brothers struggled for a bit….

Here it is-

Tuffnut: “He’s so tiny! Does he even know 2+2?”

Hiccup: “4!”

Astrid: “He’s right.”

Tuffnut: “I knew that!!”

Tuffnut: “Probably can’t even wipe his own nose anyway…”

Hiccup: sniiiff

[cawslew]

bonus anon rambling: to me, atsushi is kind of in the best position to give dazai something he's most likely to keep. i feel like dazai plays into what others perceive of him, but he fully believes that being "evil" or "bad" is something deeply embedded in him, which is why his time in the port mafia ends up making him miserably empty, even with what companionship he found there. regardless of his morality, i don't think he wants to be rejected by those he cares about, but the main people he cares for in the port mafia, he played a role in bringing them there. i feel like he can't reject atsushi because he pulled atsushi into a better place, going against what negative opinions he has of himself. dazai got a special soft spot for atsushi, specifically, because he sometimes seems like he's nervous about showing any morally dubious side of him to atsushi, so like how could be directly reject a gift without getting into his insecurities? it amuses me because the vibes i get from atsushi is that, while he is a bit simplistic, he isn't blind to the effort people put in for the greater good. i think he can distinguish those fine lines, especially because he notes the headmaster had a worse past than him and may have had good intentions during his time in the orphanage, but he doesn't really forgive the headmaster at all. to me, he believes dazai is good because dazai put in the effort to support him rather than a blind faith that dazai is good because he is his savior. canon dazai and atsushi's relationship just feels like one of those self-supporting ones because the people in it serve to bolster each other up. its kind of funny that i yapped this far given all this started because i just thought dazai probably has a lifeless room and he should decorate it.

I do love the yapping tho! Always love a good excuse to chat about the faves! But you’re definitely spot on when it comes to Dazai’s internal struggle and the self-image with Atsushi’s ability to see the effort and somewhat of a nuance in other people.

Dazai as a whole has problems with his own morality (which does make me love him for the amount of struggle he goes through). As you said, he does see himself as inherently evil, or you could even say broken. He loathes himself, and that fact always colors everything he does. Even when he DOES do good, he always brushes it off as calculating and manipulative rather than genuine care (He even helps the agency, yet when prompted about them being his friends, he is never able to admit it). Port Mafia shaped him that way in some way. It reinforced him to be like that, and even while he had people he obviously cared/cares about (Oda and Chuuya, for one), they were always shaped by the violence and systems he himself also perpetuated. So I do think he might feel like any love or care he receives might be BECAUSE of his utility or performance.

But then there’s Atsushi, who ABSOLUTELY doesn’t work that way, and Dazai knows it. Atsushi has this almost resilience and huge sense of justice that literally stagnated from his own suffering, abuse, and straight-up torture (Headmaster, when I get you—Headmaster, when I GET YOU—). Like you said, he doesn’t forgive the headmaster because he can see the harm he has done. He’s able to differentiate between someone who’s actively harmful and someone who’s putting in the work to do good. He’s seen the work and effort Dazai puts in, and he values it, even when Dazai doesn’t value it himself (though there’s also a fact that at the end of the day, in Atsushi’s mind, Dazai IS his savior. Someone who saved him from the streets. It’s a point I don’t see people often tackle when it comes to their relationship). Nevertheless, it’s not blind faith but a recognition for genuine care and an ultimate reason why Atsushi is actually suited to have an effect on Dazai as a whole. We all also know that Dazai puts on a facade, and he tries to seem better around Atsushi the most as he wants to keep Atsushi thinking of him as a better person than he is (Atsushi is obviously not blind; he knows WHAT Dazai used to be or what he’s doing, as in manipulative acts, etc. He might not know the scope, but he is well aware of Dazai not being a saint. Nonetheless, he thinks of him as a good person). So, ye, partially rejecting Atsushi’s gifts would feel like rejecting that trust, and Dazai could not bring himself to do so in the end, unless he would be able to actually weasel his way out by honey tongue (Is that phrase in ENG even? I will explain it then to make sure: it’s a phrase that refers to someone who speaks sweetly, persuasively, or in a flattering manner, usually in the context of charming or pleasing someone to the point of being manipulative or insincere. Basically, someone who uses smooth or sugary words to win others over). Rejecting that trust ultimately could mean on a personal level that it would unravel all the progress he’s made in the ADA, and THAT, RIGHT THERE, it would hit right at his insecurities. It’s so personal.

The self-supporting dynamic is such a great way to describe their relationship. Atsushi is someone Dazai can see as proof that his efforts to save people matter, while Dazai is someone Atsushi can look up to as well (Or at the very least someone who pushes him to do better. Not over the fact that after he stopped hallucinating the Headmaster, instead he hallucinates Dazai OR EVEN Akutagawa when he needs that push to do better...). Atsushi doesn’t idealize Dazai, but he appreciates him in a way that’s authentic, and that is probably why Dazai would hold onto every little thing Atsushi gives him at the end of the day.

Dazai’s lifeless, borderline ascetic room would just slowly be overtaken by those small thoughtful gifts from Atsushi. Like Atsushi giving him a tiny potted plant because "It’ll brighten the place up," and now Dazai has this ridiculous little plant on his desk, and he has to water it or feel guilty. Or even Atsushi giving him a picture frame with a group photo of the ADA, and now Dazai has an undeniable, physical proof of his connections sitting right there. And he can’t just put that stuff on any cabinet or any other place, they’re filled up by now with other stuff that Atsushi gave him. No matter where he looks, there’s always SOMETHING that was given to him.

Atsushi probably doesn’t even have any idea how deeply that affects Dazai. He was just trying to be nice and reciprocate, while Dazai is being forced to confront the fact that someone, in fact, CARES for him in a way that he couldn’t fully justify or deflect.

[rapidhighway]

gonna vent for a sec but im so tired of this "don't wanna be an inconvenience", people pleasing shit ngl.....do people who do this know that they just come off as really rude and like... it just feels insulting each time

[thelingering]

*exasperated sigh lol* changeeeeee is hardddddd

[kimtaegis]

Seeing you complain about not getting engagement every time you post while getting so many notes per post makes you seem so ungrateful. Do the people who engage not matter enough to you? My god. Makes me want to not engage.

without those very precious people whose support I can always count on I wouldn’t post at all anymore, they mean the world to me and I keep telling them that and express my gratitude towards them. I keep reading nice tags and asks over and over because they genuinely give me so much motivation and happiness.

why would you send such a message hours after I deleted my complaints where I even reflected that my negative feelings about it are a problem that goes way beyond tumblr and that I don’t know how to let go of them? and your first impulse was to make me feel even worse about it? that’s incredibly insensitive and I don’t think I even want people like that engaging with my work so by all means, don’t.

[junkissed]

😶‍🌫️

[voidimp]

i just want to draw jules being very excitable & silly bc he IS or at least he tries really hard to be & then exhausts himself so sometimes hes not but god why is it HARD

[hana-bobo-finch]

JUST FINISHED MY STUPID LITTLE PDBC COMIC 🦅🦅🔥🔥🔥 it’ll be scheduled to post on the 13th because the comic is about the briar zome and if you remember The Lore™️, the briar zome can only be accessed on Friday the 13ths so I figured it’d be fitting to post it then been if it means delaying it a bit (wasn’t actually planned that way, it just so happened that the week I finished it was the same week as a Friday the 13th, lucky coincidence)

[dandyshucks]

everyone pray for me that i did not just give myself food poisoning (;･∀･)

[bibiana112]

I like this happiness can be found in any world speech putting the focus on the fact that being able to compare between a hypothetical less tragic version of events is in itself what causes unhappiness and dissatisfaction sure for the characters it's literal timeloops but real things like anxiety and ptsd often trick you into losing focus of the good things in the now and to lose yourself in the what could have been

[cigarette-room]

attachment styles of tiktok have started going into their pathetics once again

"anxious attachment can only be happy when they're loved by you :(" learn to not depend on others for slimmers of happiness dumbass

"avoidant ppl are human too :(" cool and they should stay away from me

[montanamp3]

tatimaxxing (something big just happened to me but i can't talk about it on this blog because ive posted face)

[mishtershpock]

.

[steviescrystals]

i’m fr gonna lose my mind :)

[kutyaharapas]

im only bearable when im drunk. its only bearable when im not sober

[izzy-b-hands]

i love how i sent a nice, brief, personable email to a place to enquire abt a potential job opening they had on their site (no other way listed to contact them abt this stuff, and their site gave no other info on HR/jobs/ hiring aside from the one line that essentially just said 'Position Vacant [Dept]' that i was interested in)

and was sent back a link to a site they claim holds their job openings but THAT site claims the place has their own listings elsewhere but doesn't say where the heck that would be

you could have just said the position wasn't available anymore if ya didn't wanna deal with me. Or just don't reply at all and ghost me like everyone else lmao 🙃