#bruce watching clark come to terms with his love of bruce in all forms. yes. ALL forms

[superbat-lmao]

Bruce gets hit with a spell that makes his outward appearance reflect how he thinks of himself.

Most of the JL is stunned, his kids are unruffled because at least his consciousness is in his own body, and Clark realizes a couple of things about himself.

[cdelphiki]

She couldn’t do this.

Damian. Her precious little Damian. The baby with a beautiful smile. Infectious laugh. Adorable babble. Who so sweetly, so gently, pet any stray cat that sat still long enough for him to ‘catch.’ Who hugged anyone that cared for him, and even the random servants who lingered long enough.

That baby. Her baby.

Watching him, at 18-months-old, be taught how to wield a sword. Watching as the trainer smacked his hands, his side, his face, every time he wobbled, or lost interest, or got confused.

Hearing his cry, and seeing his pleading eyes, whenever it happened.

Seeing him look at her, and call for her, then get distraught because she did nothing.

She just stood there.

Next to her father.

And watched.

There was nothing more she could do. Going against her father would only bring more harm on her son. It would only risk Father taking Damian from her entirely.

But she couldn’t do this.

It felt like her heart was being ripped out of her body.

Someone was inside her, with red hot claws, scratching away. Destroying everything. Killing her.

Her stomach was filling with vile acid, and just one move, one word, and it might come up.

Weakness, her father would say.

Useless.

Pathetic.

Perhaps that is why he ordered her presence, for this training session.

She’d hardly been allowed time with her son. Not in nearly a year had she been granted daily visits with him.

Her father had been disappointed in how attached she’d been becoming.

‘He is to be a warrior,’ Father had said, ‘worthy of his station. He cannot become the Demon’s head if he is soft.’

Perhaps it was then she should have done something.

Said something.

But instead, she just bowed her head and followed orders.

Like a good daughter would do.

What use was that now?

Damian whimpered again, as his trainer smacked him on the back with the flat of his blade. He’d started slouching. They were working on form.

Talia resisted closing her eyes. She knew, she knew if she did, she would not be able to stop the tears that followed.

She had to remain strong. Stable. Unaffected….

Unaffected in her father’s eyes, at least.

When she’d lied to Bruce, when she’d told him she’d miscarried…. What was she thinking?

She- she hadn’t wanted to betray her father. Hadn’t wanted to betray the League. This was her life. She’d been raised in this, she owed everything she had. Her training. Her wealth. Her skills. Everything to her father.

But-

But what did that matter?

Was it worth it? Was her son worth it?

“All done,” Damian pleaded, when he fell over and scraped his hands on the hard cement, “all done all done all done.”

The trainer just stood him back up and handed him the sword again, ignoring his cries.

When Damian looked at her and cried, “Mama,” again, Talia could taste the bile.

How could she have just handed her son over to Ra’s like this? What kind of monster was she?

Her son was crying for her, and she was standing by, watching him be hurt.

All because her father told her to.

The fact that he knew to call her ‘Mama’ was all because she snuck in to see him. Ordered his nursemaids to leave the room. Swore them to secrecy.

Had killed, a few of them…

She’s more than sure Ra’s had noticed, now.

As Talia stood there, watching her son struggle to stop crying and listen to his trainer, Talia made a decision.

Because nearly two years ago, when she’d told Bruce about her ‘miscarriage,’ she’d made a huge mistake.

Her father’s influence was toxic.

This training?

It was hell.

Talia loved what it’d turned her into, she loved her skills and abilities.

But if this was the cost?

This?

Her child?

There was only one place on earth where she’d be safe, where he’d be safe. One person able to offer that protection.

And once Talia told him, she knew he’d move heaven and earth to get them away.

- - -

To say Bruce was suspicious would be an understatement.

Talia had broken ties with him two years prior.

On not-so-friendly terms, at that.

She’d betrayed him. Joined her father, and all but stabbed him in the back in doing so.

He’d loved her.

He really had.

She had been- he thought she was-

They were going to spend their lives together. Raise a child. He thought she was-

But that was over. In the past.

And yet, there she was, staring back at him through a webcam, asking for his help.

Asking for help, after hacking into his computer, in the cave, where his son could enter at any moment.

How on earth was he supposed to explain his past fling with Talia al Ghul to Jason?

“Why should I trust you?” he asked, not really expecting an answer.

Because how would he be able to deny her request?

Once upon a time, he would have died for this opportunity. Would have cried, from utter relief, to get her away from the League. To bring her home. Keep her safe.

Yes. She could keep herself safe. Defend herself. Hold her own, against even him, but he could offer his protection of the entire Justice League. If it came down to it.

He’d loved her.

But she’d chosen her father. Chosen a life as an assassin. Rejected him. And it was hard for him to forget that.

“I lied to you,” she said, pulling his attention back to the present, “I lied.”

She said it with such finality, Bruce narrowed his eyes. And just stared.

He was sure she’d lied about many things. Why was this the ‘reason?’ And why would lying be a reason to trust her now?

To give her a chance, now?

“About?” he pressed, ignoring the thought in the back of his head asking whether this was all a distraction so the League could move in on Gotham.

Alarms would be going off, if that were the case. Literal alarms, in the cave.

Besides, the League hadn’t been doing anything in the United States for many months.

They were too busy building up their forces in the Alps. Bruce still had no idea why, but they’d been beefing up their presence there for over a year and a half.

“You know about what,” Talia said, gently. Almost apologetically.

His heart fluttered, a little.

There was one thing. One thing, that had she been lying about, he’s not sure he’d be angry about.

Not right now, at least.

“Bruce,” she pled, “I- I’ve made a mistake.” Her voice cracked, and she rested a hand against the side of her face as she looked off to the side, away from her camera. “Father is so cruel to him, Bruce. I need your help.”

No.

Anger was definitely not the emotion he was feeling. It- it was down there. It was deep, deep down there, and later that night. Or, perhaps, in a few days, he knew he would hit a punching bag until his knuckles were bloody.

But on top? Right now?

On top was hope.

Hope, excitement, and… and utter devastation.

“Him?” Bruce whispered, resisting the urge to rip his mask off and rub at his face. He was on camera, he had to remind himself. He had no idea how many people were watching.

And this could all be one magnificent lie. A trick to get him off balance. So they could strike, while he had his guard down.

While he was yearning for something he’d thought he’d lost, two years prior.

“He’s beautiful, Bruce,” she whispered, her voice catching on the next sentence, “He looks just like you, and I can tell he gets his empathy from you. But,” she paused, a ferocious determination taking over her face. A trait of her’s that had caused Bruce to fall in the first place.

“Father will destroy him if we don’t get him away.”

There would be no ‘ifs.’

If Bruce had ever had a mission that had no option for failure, it was this one.

He didn’t care if Talia changed her mind, ten minutes later. This mission was happening, and he was bringing home what he thought he’d lost.

Bruce has no idea how he got through the following ten minutes, planning out with Talia exactly how and when the pickup would go. Nightwing, Robin and himself would all approach the compound in the batwing, in stealth mode. He’d pulled Clark in on the call, and Superman agreed he would be on standby, watching from afar for anything to go wrong.

If they were spotted, or if the League tried anything, the entire Justice League would respond, if necessary.

Clark promised he’d keep the mission itself classified. No one but the core team would know the details of what they were picking up. The core team being himself, the Flash, and the Bats.

His ears were ringing the entire time, and he felt like an outsider, looking in.

‘He looks just like you,’ Talia had said.

That’s all he could think about.

Bruce had a son.

There-

Was there anything more to say?

He had a son.

“Talia,” he rasped, just before she cut the call with him. After a deep breath, he looked deep into the camera, doing his best to convey his seriousness. His promise, should it be necessary. “If this is a trick.”

With sadness in her eyes, Talia smiled and said, “We will see you tomorrow, Beloved,” and with that, ended the call.

It came as no surprise when, not even a quarter of a second later, the papers on his desk flew up into the air. Each one wafting back down, before Bruce even had the chance to close his eyes and take a breath.

Bringing Clark in on this was necessary.

As much as he hated bringing personal missions to those outside the family, there was no way he could risk this one.

If Talia was telling the truth, and he wasn’t successful on his own. Wasn’t able to take on the entire League while protecting a helpless infant.

Well.

He’d never forgive himself.

Ever.

But none of that meant he had to be happy his best friend was there to witness this.

“Bruce, this is,” Clark started, setting a hand on his shoulder and squeezing, but Bruce cut him off.

“Clark, just,” he said, pulling his mask off so he could finally wipe his eyes. He wasn’t even mortified at the crack in his voice, because there was far too many other things swirling through his head. “Give me a minute.”

He had… so much to do. He hadn’t time for this.

And yet…

It was the only thing he could do.

Closing his eyes, Bruce took a second to recenter himself. Find his strength and embrace his duties. Right now, he needed to be Batman.

But before he was able to complete a single deep breath, he heard from the top of the stairs, “B?”

And everything just became much more complicated.

“Bruce?” Jason asked again, a little hesitantly, as he made his way down the stairs, “Superman? What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

���I’m fine,” Bruce said, reeling it all in and trying his best to blink back the wetness in his eyes. So maybe he wouldn’t have to wipe his face in front of his son.

His… middle son.

Because, Bruce actually had three…

“Is Dick okay?” Jason asked a little more frantically, because despite his best efforts, Bruce sniffed.

“He’s fine,” Clark soothed, squeezing Bruce’s shoulder a little tighter as Jason hurried his way down the stairs, “Nothing is wrong, Jase.”

“Then why is…” Jason said, trailing off when he finally made it to where Bruce was sitting.

They had so much to do. Bruce hadn’t the time for this.

It was time for Batman.

“Suit up,” he told his son, shrugging Clark’s hand off and squaring his shoulders. They had just under three hours before take off, and there was so much to do. “We have a mission.”

- - -

By ‘a mission,’ Bruce meant they were infiltrating the freaking League of Assassins.

Like.

In the middle of the day. Completely randomly.

Well, they were set to leave in three hours, with a 5 hour flight time. And considering the time difference, it would actually be about 4am when they arrived at Nanda Parbat.

So.

Middle of the night, kind of.

Jason was both super excited, and kind of freaked out.

Especially when Bruce called in Dick.

Those two worked together, sure. Sometimes. But it was always so fucking tense, and Jason kind of hated it.

Bruce also always refused to call in Dick for anything. Dick always just kind of, forced himself in on the mission.

But for this?

Whatever the fuck this was?

It had Bruce calling in not only Dick Grayson, but Superman, too.

Because that’s why Superman had been there. He’d already called the guy in.

Whatever was going on, it was huge.

And whatever it was, Jason actually started feeling very nervous. Because Bruce said he had news to share. And he called Alfred down first, before he shared it.

Bruce paced. Back and forth, back and forth. In front of the conference table for two full minutes while the four of them sat there, waiting for him to fucking say something.

“Do you want me?” Clark asked, and was immediately shot down by a glare from Bruce.

Was Bruce dying?

Were they going to the League to steal some pit water??

Because he said he was okay.

Clark said he was okay, and Clark wouldn’t lie about something like that. Right? Jason wouldn’t put it past Bruce at all to be a freaking hypocrite and lie to him so not to make him worry, but not Clark.

He was way too much a boy scout.

Yet, there Bruce was. Pacing back and forth. Freaking out about something.

“B, you’re freaking the kid out,” Dick said, leaning back in his chair, like he was fucking relaxed during this.

Their freaking dad could be dying and he was chill about it.

No wonder his name was Dick.

“I am not,” he protested, but Bruce quit his pacing and sighed, anyway.

“Honestly, Master Bruce,” Alfred said, from where he sat next to Jason, “Whatever it is, I am confident we can handle it.”

“A couple years ago,” Bruce started, pausing to sigh again before he turned his back to them, but continued, “I got… involved… with Talia al Ghul.”

“Gross. I knew it,” Dick said, pulling a face for Jason to see.

“From the League of Assassins,” Jason said, just to clarify.

So… were they staging this mission so Bruce could go…

Ew.

Gross.

Disgusting.

Jason hated his mind for putting that picture in his head.

“Yes,” Bruce confirmed, apparently uncaring that he’d just put horrible awful pictures in Jason’s head.

He was thirteen. This was probably child abuse.

“It was serious,” he continued, “We had been… discussing marriage.”

“Oh my,” Alfred said, in as close to a gasp as Jason had ever heard from Alfred.

Jason didn’t blame him. Bruce had never really struck Jason as a ‘serious’ kinda guy.

Not with the ladies, at least.

Mostly because he had a different chick hanging off of him at every party.

“She had been with child,” Bruce finally said, nearly stumbling over his words as he spit the sentence out.

The air in the room seemed to still, and they all stared at Bruce.

Well, all of them, except Clark. Since apparently Clark already knew.

“Why… why,” Dick stammered, then stopped.

Jason didn’t really know what to ask first, either.

But apparently Bruce knew what to answer first.

“She told me she miscarried. She, she told me. I thought-“ with another sigh, Bruce turned back around, finally allowing them to see the exhaustion on his face, as he rubbed at it and sat down at the head of the table.

“I thought she’d miscarried. She dumped me, after that. Refused to leave her father and the League, and sent me home. I- I should have checked up on it. Verified her story, but… I was just so-”

Bruce put his face in his hands, and just sat there, for a very long minute.

Dick, to Jason’s surprise, was the one to break the silence, because neither he nor Alfred seemed to be able to find any words. Jason had never heard Bruce so close to tears, before.

He was kind of scared of getting Bruce to talk more.

And if Bruce was saying what he was saying, well…

Jason really had no words for it.

Batman apparently had a baby.

And they were going to rescue it from the League of Assassins.

That was just…

Wow.

Holy.

Shit.

“So,” Dick said, a small smile tugging on his lips as he did, “is it a boy or a girl?”

- - -

Everything was going smoothly.

They had agreed on a meet-up time eight hours from the end of their call, which meant Talia had most the night to figure out her plan for getting Damian out of his nursery.

In the end, she’d decided on using simple tranquilizer darts.

It was dirty, a completely dishonorable way to fight, but Talia couldn’t find it in herself to care.

The very last thing she needed was for one of the nursemaids to notice her break-in and alert the guards.

She’d packed her bag before heading to Damian’s room, so all she had left to do was grab him before Bruce arrived.

Sneaking into his room was painfully easy, and she only had to sedate one nursemaid, who had already been asleep, anyway.

Honestly. It couldn’t have been easier, and it was putting Talia on edge.

Damian stirred, when she lifted him from the crib, so Talia shoved the pacifier into his mouth she knew he’d been deprived of for eight months at that point.

He’d taken to sucking his thumb, in its stead, and Talia had always hated that about her father’s rules.

Why was it so difficult to indulge her son in one simple comfort.

The pacifier worked like a charm, and Damian latched onto it with one hand as he sucked away, curling into Talia’s hold as she wrapped the cloth around them both, creating a make-shift carrier.

Out of everything, the hardest part was getting him tied to her securely. Because with the pacifier, he was as quiet as a lamb, not making a single peep of protest. She wasn’t even sure if he’d woken enough to see who had been holding him.

After the day he’d had, Talia was grateful he could still find peace in his sleep.

Climbing up to the roofs was a little more difficult. Damian did whine, a little, when she had to press herself up against the wall of the third floor, to hide from a patrolling guard below.

She closed her eyes and held her breath, begging every deity she could think of to keep Damian silent as the guard paused and looked around. After adjusting her grip, so she could hold them both with one hand, she placed her newly free hand on his head and tried to soothe him.

Damian shifted against her, even though he was pinned rather tightly between her and the wall, then stilled. His little pacifier bobbing in and out as he grasped tightly to her blouse.

The guard looked around, up and down the narrow courtyard below where she was climbing, but after a long minute, turned around and continued on with his patrol.

Talia didn’t allow herself a sigh of relief.

With three more moves, Talia reached the edge of the roof and pulled herself up, without scraping Damian against the edge. He didn’t notice in his sleep.

Soon, he’d be able to pass all his nights in such peace.

His days, too.

She had no doubt in her mind that Bruce would offer them the sanctuary they needed, to allow Damian to grow up without fears.

But, if he didn’t, she’d find it anyway.

This child. Her child, would never know the pain he’d experienced that day again.

As silently as she’d been trained, Talia raced across the rooftops to the pickup location. Bruce was promised to be there in two minutes, and she needed to be three buildings over.

“Shh,” she whispered, hugging Damian tightly as she ran. The movement was, apparently, disrupting his sleep, and he’d started to stir, “sleep, my prince.”

“Mama,” he mumbled, snuggling against her.

“Yes,” she choked, preparing to make the last jump to the roof where Bruce was to meet them, “Mama is here, baby.”

She’d given Bruce the coordinates of the highest roof in the complex, in hopes that he could simply swoop in and grab them, not needing to stop or interact with anyone.

He was bringing his team, though. He was bringing Superman.

Talia had never had any sort of admiration for the alien. His technique was abysmal, tending to toss around his unearthly strength, rather than exhibit any skill during his fights.

But knowing that, if it came down to it, she could likely just shout ‘Superman,’ and in an instant he’d be there, ready and able to take Damian to safety… It helped keep her calm.

Father would not be expecting the help of a Kryptonian. Bruce had never been one to ask for help, so it was unlikely Father would have his kryptonite within reach.

The final jump was a little longer than comfortable, and Talia had to land in a roll to avoid injuring herself or falling off completely. She rolled on her back, using her arms to keep Damian from making contact with the roof at all.

Her heart was hammering when she finished the roll on her feet. She had thirty more yards to go, and she’d been at the exact coordinates she’d given Bruce.

Thirty more yards, and one more minute.

Talia shook, as she stood in the exact spot. Damian was fully awake now, and wriggling against the cloth wrapped around him.

“Be still, my dear,” she whispered, hugging him a little tighter as she searched the night sky for any sign of their rescue, “Just a few more moments.”

“Out,” Damian cried, not quite at a normal level, but much louder than Talia felt comfortable with, as he started struggling against her arms, “Down.”

“In a moment,” she whispered desperately. Her arms felt like rubber, as the adrenaline that had kept her running started to ebb.

It was a minute past pickup, and Batman was no where in sight.

If he didn’t show…

Damian whined out again, this time loudly.

“Be patient, my love,” she whispered, now fighting back tears, “Your father is coming for us.”

He had to be.

“Mama,” Damian cried, pulling his pacifier out of his mouth completely to whine at her more efficiently.

She looked around frantically, making sure no guards were near enough to have heard him.

When she didn’t see anyone coming at them, she bounced Damian some and tried to force the pacifier back into his mouth. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” she repeated, over and over, really unsure, at this point, if it was for Damian or herself.

Because if Bruce weren’t coming, was any of his team?

Was she just standing on a roof, risking the life of her son for nothing?

Father would not take lightly an attempted defection.

What would he do to Damian?

Probably take him away from her forever. She’d never see him again. Never know the pain he was in. Never be able to hold him, after a hard day, and comfort him. Remind him of her love.

She’d lose him forever, and-

Talia’s knees nearly buckled when, without warning, a jet materialized out of nowhere not ten feet above her.

His technology was amazing. She hadn’t even felt it coming, much less heard it.

And before she even realized it, tears were streaming down her face.

A hatch opened, right on the underside of the jet, and Batman himself leaned out, reaching a hand down to her.

“Talia,” he breathed, shaking his hand, as if desperately begging her to grab it.

She’d never accepted an offered hand so fast in her life.

As he pulled her up into the jet, swiftly and effortlessly, as if it were nothing, Talia felt herself relax. All the adrenaline leave her body entirely as she collapsed right onto the ground of Bruce’s jet.

She didn’t even care who all was there to see.

Because for the first time in her life, Talia felt like she could breathe.

- - -

She hadn’t been lying.

That was the only thing circling through Bruce’s head as he pulled Talia up into the jet, them stopping barely long enough for him to do that before Dick was turning around and racing away.

As far as they could tell, they hadn’t been spotted until they turned off the craft’s cloaking system.

If all went to plan, the League would not be able to respond quickly enough to catch them. Nightwing was supposed to take them on an indirect route back to Gotham, completely in stealth mode.

Ra’s al Ghul could search the skies all night and never find them.

He hoped.

But all that was for Nightwing to worry about. That had been the plan. If Talia was telling the truth, he’d agreed, Bruce could focus on that, while Dick handled keeping them hidden and taking them to safety. Jason could give him backup, if necessary.

Bruce trusted Dick with his life.

And he was so thankful for that, because he wasn’t sure he’d be able to do much beyond what he was currently doing.

Which was watching as Talia collapsed onto the floor, clumsily freeing a baby from a carrier as she cried into his hair.

“Tal-“ he started, reaching an hand out to her, really unsure about what he was going to do. But he froze, when the baby squirmed and twisted out of the cloth holding him.

Because Talia was right.

He was beautiful.

His bright green eyes were mesmerizing, and Bruce felt his heart seize as the baby looked at him, ever so briefly.

It wasn’t until that very instant did Bruce realize his life had been incomplete.

There had been a piece of him missing, and he hadn’t even realized it.

The baby turned back to his mother and said, “Mama,” reaching up for her face.

“Yes,” Talia sobbed, grabbing his hand and holding it to her cheek, before she wrapped him up into a tight hug. “I’m so sorry,” she said, squeezing him tight, “I’m so sorry.”

Bruce watched helplessly as Talia devolved further and further into incoherence, as she whispered her apologies and proclaimed her love for the very confused looking baby in her arms.

The baby didn’t protest, though. He leaned into her hug and stayed there, like he understood his mother needed a hug back.

How old was he?

If he’d been born on time, by Bruce’s estimations, he’d be about…

Seventeen months old?

Eighteen?

He didn’t know much about baby development, but he did know that it was during the first year they turned from basically babies to tiny, outspoken little people.

How developed was his son? How much had Bruce missed?

Bruce knelt down in front of Talia and sat there, waiting for her to recover.

What she had been through, he had no idea.

It had to have been a lot, for her to reach out and actually ask for help.

She was stubborn, like that. Never asking for help. Never even expecting it.

And her reaction to being pulled into safety, well.

He was afraid to learn what she’d been through.

Jason caught his eye, lingering just on the outskirts of his vision. He looked up and tried to offer a reassuring face, but probably fell flat, because Jason frowned at him. But Jason held a thumbs up at him, both letting him know they’d flown into the clear and Superman had been informed of the successful mission, and asking if Bruce was good.

With a single nod, Bruce thanked him, and turned his attention back to Talia.

“I’m so sorry,” she said, looking at him, now, but still hugging the baby tightly to her.

“What happened?” he asked, resisting the urge to reach out and touch the baby.

Touch his son.

Bruce had never been one to want to hold babies, usually perfectly content to just observe them, but his arms yearned for the weight of this baby in his arms.

He didn’t even know his name.

“Father,” she said, her voice almost squeaking with the effort.

Bruce hadn’t seen her in two years, and he still wanted to pull her to his side.

Never had he seen her like this.

But he kept his distance. Let her recover on her own. He wasn’t sure how he felt about her, in that moment.

At all.

“Father,” she said again, this time much more confidently, one hand absently combing through the baby’s hair.

The beautiful baby who had twisted in her hold, just enough, to stare at him.

“Started his training.” There was so much pain in her voice, Bruce could only imagine what kind of horrors that meant.

Who trained a baby?

“Bruce,” she choked out, squeezing the baby again, “it was so bad. I- I just stood there and watched. I couldn’t- I couldn’t do anything else. He would have harmed him more. Or taken him from me.”

“What happened,” he repeated, trying to keep his voice as gentle as possible.

Any anger he had about whatever ‘training’ implied was being pushed down. Buried deep into the recesses of his brain.

No one needed his anger right now.

When the baby continued to stare at him, Bruce realized he still had his cowl on.

What kind of introduction was this? Being presented to his son as Batman, first.

Hopefully he hadn’t scared the kid too much to want to be held.

Talia started crying again, and shifted so she was sitting criss-cross, the baby still cradled in her arms as she blubbered out, “They hit him so many times, Bruce. I’m so sorry,” and before Bruce could even respond. Could even think of how to respond, she turned her face down to the baby and repeated, “I’m so sorry, Damian. I’m so sorry, my love. I’ll never let- I’ll never-”

But she didn’t complete the sentence, because she’d lost it again, and the baby… Damian?

Damian.

That was the most beautiful name he’d ever heard.

Damian looked very confused and concerned for his mother’s mood.

“He’s safe now,” Bruce tried, scooting over to her side to set a hand on her back, “He’s safe.”

“I’m so sorry,” she repeated, curling further onto Damian.

“Mama,” Damian said again, this time pointing at Bruce when Talia opened her eyes and gave him her attention.

“Yes,” she said, smiling for the first time as she wiped her tears away, “Yes, dear. This is-“ she paused, looking up at Bruce, then said again, “This is Daddy.”

Bruce could cry.

He was not going to cry.

“Do you want to hold him?” Talia asked, apparently seeing the intense desire plastered all over his face.

All Bruce wanted to do was hold him. There was nothing on earth he wanted more.

“May I?” he asked, almost afraid to even try.

What if Damian didn’t like him?

What if he started crying, when Bruce took him?

“He’s your son, Bruce,” Talia said, lifting Damian from her lap and offering him over.

After hesitating for only a second, Bruce reached out and held his hands out to Damian, who looked at him appraisingly, like he were judging Bruce and determining if he was worth his attention.

But then, before Bruce could even hold his breath, Damian leaned toward him, and Bruce could definitely cry.

Because then Damian was in his arms, looking straight into his eyes as he let Bruce hold him close.

And-

And.

Bruce had no thoughts.

“Hi, Damian,” he choked out, trying his hardest not to cry, “I’m- I’m your-“ but he couldn’t get the word out.

Couldn’t get anything else out.

Damian didn’t seem to care, because he smiled at Bruce and said, “Hi,” back.

And Bruce was definitely crying, now.

Just a little.

But he didn’t care.

He didn’t care, because he had the son he thought he’d lost two years ago cradled in his arms, and nothing could ruin the moment.

- - -

Jason was thankful that the jet was large enough he didn’t have to hear Bruce talking to his new baby son.

He honestly had no idea how to feel about all of this.

Bruce had apparently done it with the daughter of one of their most dangerous villains, and he was now probably definitely crying tears of joy while he held the son of said villainous daughter.

But Jason wasn’t jealous.

How could he be?

The baby was just a baby. It’s not like the posed any sort of threat to Jason.

Except.

By… stealing away Bruce’s attention.

Jason was not being jealous of a baby. The baby deserved his dad’s attention. Especially since he had a dad as great as Bruce. Jason would know. He’d been playing the role of dad for him for a year.

Now, though… now he had a real son.

He was not jealous.

“Stop worrying,” Dick said, from where he was flying the jet, sitting in the seat next to Jason.

Jason had taken the spot of co-pilot just because it was the farthest away from Bruce he could be. He wasn’t really helping Nightwing fly.

Mostly because Nightwing didn’t need help flying. He actually had the auto-pilot engaged.

“I’m not worrying.”

“You’re right,” Dick said, laughing a little as he leaned back in his chair, “You’re freaking out.”

Crossing his arms, Jason tried his best to look completely and totally unaffected by everything ever as he said, “Am not.”

Apparently he was unconvincing, because Dick gave him a shit eating grin and ruffled his hair.

Like the asshole he was.

“You’re right. You’re the epitome of calm and collected.”

“Fuck you,” Jason snapped. Dick should mind his own fucking business.

They still weren’t, like, friends or anything, either. Dick had been clear about how happy he was Jason existed. Sure, they’d kind of made up some in recent months. And Dick even offered his blessing for Jason to be Robin, but that didn’t mean they were friends.

Apparently Dick didn’t agree, because he kept being an asshole and talking to him by saying, “Look, this isn’t going to change anything between you and Bruce, okay?”

Through a pout, Jason mumbled, “How would you know?” Bruce getting a son was going to change everything.

“Because this happened to me, remember?”

Jason rolled his eyes. Just because Bruce adopted him didn’t mean Dick knew what it was like to have his adopted dad get a biological child and not need him anymore. If anything, Dick should be freaking out, too, because they were both the adopted kids and the baby was the real son.

Except Dick didn’t live with them, so he wasn’t at risk of being homeless again if Bruce kicked him out. Since, well, Bruce couldn’t kick him out.

Maybe Dick should fuck off and leave him alone.

“Did Bruce adopting you change how he felt about me?” Dick asked, nudging Jason’s arm as he did.

Asshole.

“Fuck you, it’s different,” he snapped. In fact, they all knew Dick was the favorite child between the two of them, so it was completely and totally different.

Maybe Dick should be worrying more. He wasn’t going to be the favorite anymore.

Bruce was so happy about having a biological son he was crying about it.

Bruce had never been that happy about Jason.

“Not really,” Dick said, sighing some, “I thought he was writing me off completely when he adopted you.”

“Bruce never shuts up about you, it’s always ‘Dick this’ and ‘Dick that’ whenever I do anything, so shut up. But we’re both adopted, and that baby over there ain’t.”

Dick cocked a head at him and then let out a huff of a laugh. “Bruce never even told you. Wow.”

“Told me what?” Jason demanded, crossing his arms harder, because he didn’t want to storm off. Mostly because that would mean facing Bruce with his stupid new baby.

“I knew he was terrible with communication, but geez.”

“What, Dickface, just tell me.”

“Jase,” Dick said, offering a softer smile than before, “I’m not adopted. Bruce never adopted me. He was simply my ‘guardian’ until I aged out of the system. He has no legal obligation to me at all, now.”

“He-“ Jason started, because there was no way that was true.

No. Fucking. Way.

Bruce cared about Dick way too much for that to be true.

And why would Bruce adopt him, but not Dick? That also made no sense.

Dick was the favorite.

“You’re lying. He calls you his son all the time.”

“I know,” Dick said softly, still smiling like an asshole, “Because even if he’s never said it, and probably never will say it, he loves me. Just like he loves you.”

“Shut up,” he said, because he couldn’t figure out anything else to say. Obviously he knew Bruce, like, loved him and shit. But they didn’t have to talk about it.

But… Dick was kind of right about one point. He was adopted.

It’s not like Bruce could go back on that.

So kicked out probably wasn’t on the table.

“I promise, Jason, this isn’t going to change anything between you two. So don’t worry too much.”

Jason was stuck trying to come up with something to respond with that was more witty than 'fuck you' when he was startled by Bruce’s footsteps approaching the cockpit.

If Bruce saw him pouting, there was no doubt he’d be able to read Jason as easily as Dick Fucking Grayson had read him, and that would not be good.

He wasn’t ready for that.

“Jason,” Bruce said, sounding like he was smiling wider than Jason had ever seen him smile.

Except.

Maybe.

On his adoption day. When Bruce hugged him and said ,“Welcome to the family, Jaylad,” with his stupid dopey smile…

And… and…

“Dick,” Bruce continued, now inside the cockpit, with the little baby in his arms, “I want you boys to meet your little brother, Damian.”

And maybe…

Maybe Dick was right.

Jason had nothing to worry about.

He’d always wanted a little brother, too.

[fanficwriter013]

The Tower: The Queen of Asgard - 16

The Tower: The Queen of Asgard An Avengers Fanfic

Series Masterlist PREVIOUS //

Pairing:  Avengers x OFC, Bruce Banner x Bucky Barnes x Clint Barton x Wanda Maximoff x Steve Rogers x Natasha Romanoff x Tony Stark x Thor x Sam Wilson x OFC (Elly Cooper)

Word Count: 3613

Warnings: 

Synopsis: The twins are now three and while the Avengers know that Clint and Thor are the biological father’s none of them know or care which blond, blue-eyed baby is related to which man.  When Riley gets the power to control wind and it becomes evident that she is the heir to the Asgardian throne, Elly, Steve, Thor, and Tony take the twins to Asgard to train her.

Not every Asgardian is happy with their king’s choice of consort, nor the impurity of the heir’s blood.  While others expect Thor to make things more official.  What’s clear is, the role of Queen of Asgard is not easily filled.

Author’s Note:  Written with @avengerscompound​ (insert witty comment here.)

Chapter 16: Reunited

Our moment of relaxed contentment didn’t last too long.  By the end of the same day, Thor had come clean about the Fenestare, which had led to a long argument about whether it was okay to even participate in a battle to the death, how dangerous it was, and how it put the rest of us at risk too.

Tony wanted to leave.  Even the tiniest risk to the kids’ safety and he was on edge.  And so far there had been a lot of those.  Steve wasn’t so sure if we should leave.  If Thor was so determined to do this, he wanted to be there to support him.  He was very vocal about the fact that he did not think Thor should do it on moral terms.

Nothing was changing Thor’s mind though, so we spent the following day, highly strung as he prepared for the fight.  Tony dragged Steve to the lab to finish the bots and Thor had made me and the kids follow him around all day.  They were tired and cranky as we went back to his royal chambers.  Pietro was curled up in my arms and Riley was throwing herself around in Thor’s rather dramatically when Sif stormed in.

“Why was I informed, immediately upon arrival that there is going to be a Fenestare?”  She asked, squaring up to Thor and poking him in the chest.  “It’s like this place doesn’t function when I’m not here.”

I couldn’t even pretend I cared about what Sif had to say about the Fenestare.  I was too excited she was back.  If she was back it meant the others might be here too.  “Did you bring them?”

“Yes,” Sif said.  “I took them to your chambers.  They are settling in.”

I whined and looked at Thor.  He handed me Riley and pressed a kiss to my forehead.  “Volstagg, could you please escort the Lady Elise to the others.”

“Of course,”  Volstagg said and gestured to the door.

“And I will stay here and attempt to slap some sense into our King,” Sif said.

I followed Volstagg down to our chambers carrying both the kids and when I stepped inside I found them all looking high strung and pacing the room.

“You’re going to need to explain what’s going on fast,” Wanda said.  “I’m starting to lose them.”

“Hey, hey, hey,”  I said putting the kids down.  They both immediately started bouncing and jogging on the spot like they wanted to run to the rest of their family but couldn’t decide who they should run to first.  “Why do you guys always have to go so negative?”

“Because an alien shows up, demands we all come here, and the mind-reader immediately jumps on board,” Natasha said folding her arms in front of her.  “That’s suspicious.”

“Can one of you indicate to your kids to come to them, they’re about to explode,” I said.  “The rest of you take a seat.”

“Who wants Daj?”  Wanda asked crouching down and opening her arms.  Riley charged over to her and slammed into her.  I crouched and pointed to Clint and Pietro ran over to him and immediately started scaling him.

Almost everyone took a seat in the couches.  Bucky, Natasha, and Bruce couldn’t seem to settle though, and the three of them kept pacing the room.

“Okay… so, there’s been a little descension here that Thor was unaware of the extent of.  A section of his people believe he was too young for the job, but originally there was no other choice but him or Loki and he was the preference.  So they would make him jump through hoops and he’d do it.  Only now a faction claiming there are two older siblings.  They believe that the firstborn son should be ruling and not Thor and are causing some trouble.  A few things have happened.”  I explained as I sat forward on the couch.

“There’s a what?”  Natasha asked.

“Brother.  Though there has been no actual sign of him.  There is a claim he was kidnapped and raised by the rulers of one of the other realms in the hope to put him in charge of Asgard and then they would rule the nine realms.”  I answered.

“You said some things happened?”  Bucky asked.  He was flexing his metal hand and looked as close to being the soldier as I’d seen him in a long time.

“There was an attempt to kidnap and murder Riley and I,” I said.  “A guard and a woman from that other realm attacked us.”

“And where are they now?”  Bucky asked in a completely flat and rather terrifying tone.

“In prison.  Loki has been dealing with them.”

“I want to see them.” Bucky seethed looking at the door.

“That is not a good idea,” Loki said, coming into the room followed by Fandral.

“It’s also not why you’re here,”  I added.

Bucky wheeled back to me.  “What?  There’s more?”

“Yeah,” I said with a nod.  “It’s about the hoops he’s having to jump.  Right now he’s preparing for a fight to the death he has to participate in.  Though that is also not why you’re here.  When we got here, we were almost forced to … well, marry him.  He has to be bonded with someone to rule if he has a child.  Without telling him or us they were going to force the ceremony.  He managed to get them to give us two weeks.  I couldn’t do it without you guys at least knowing about it.  But… and I guess I’m proposing for him right now.  He’d like it to be all of you.”

“A what?”  Natasha asked.  “And a what?”

“Deathmatch.  Wedding.”  I said counting them off on my fingers. “And -”  I took a breath and huffed, blowing my hair off my brow.  “- the thing about the wedding is… it will mean our life expectancies change.  They will all be pulled in line with Thor’s.”

“Can you boil that down just a wee bit for my dumb brain?”  Clint asked as he cuddled with Pietro.

“The ceremony is called bonding.  It doesn’t change the rules of the relationship.  It just means we are bonded to Thor.  And each other.  We will have a special connection.  For those of us like me who are going to get the usual 78 years most likely, we will now get closer to 5000.  For Bucky, Steve, maybe you B, and you Nat.  You’ll live significantly less.  Plus Thor will be promised to you.  You won’t ever have to worry about being alone.  So… we don’t all have to do it.  But he has to do it with someone.  If you don’t want to that’s okay, but we all need to agree on who does and if that’s okay.”

“Is there a place I can go to punch things?”  Bucky asked in a low voice.

I looked over at Loki, but Volstagg stepped forward.  “Let me take you to the training arena.”  He said.  “Is there anyone else that would like to work out their tension?”

Natasha raised her hand.  Volstagg indicated to the door with his ax and the three of them headed out together.

Sam moved over and wrapped his arm around me and I melted into him.  “I missed you guys.”

“How have you been doing, sweetie?”  Wanda asked rubbing my leg.

“I guess you could say I’ve been a little bit stressed,” I said.

Sam rubbed my arm and kissed the top of my head.  “That’s totally understandable, princess.”  He said.  “You’re safe and we’re all here.”

“What about you, my darlings?  Have you been having fun?”  Wanda asked the kids.

“Uncle Woki has a big wibwawy,” Pietro answered.

“Yeah?  How big?”  Clint asked.

Pietro stretched his arms up over his head.  “Is big.  So many.”

“Piet, you should tell daddy about what Fandral has been teaching you,” I said.

Pietro stood up on Clint’s thighs and started jumping.  “Daddy!  Daddy!”  He said excitedly and then started babbling so fast that it was hard to make out any words.

“Buddy.  Buddy, slow down.”  Clint said, holding Pietro’s hands.

“Dere’s a pony, daddy.  I rided da pony.”  He squealed.

“Oh, really?”  Clint asked.

“Fandral was teaching him to ride while Thor taught Riley how to use her powers,” I explained.

“That sounds like a lot of fun, buddy,” Clint said, and Pietro slammed himself against him and nuzzled into his neck.  “So… the immortality thing.”

“I don’t know what to do.  I worry about him.”  I said poking Pietro.

“Well, maybe he falls in love with an Asgardian,” Clint said.  “Or maybe Earth Science can cure diseases.”

“Or maybe we have to watch him age and then die and we’ll just be stuck like this,” I said, frowning.

“Well, yeah,” Clint said and kissed the top of Pietro’s head.  “I dunno.  Still don’t really see it as a problem.”

“You want to do it?”  I asked.  “Just like that?”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know,” I said, furrowing my brow.  “It’s huge.  It means a lot.”

“Why don’t you talk us through it, honey?”  Sam asked.

“We’ll have to watch everyone we know die.  That means probably Piet.  Hill, Coulson, Scott, Rhodey, Clarke.”  I said.  “It means that all the shit we deal with on Earth could get worse because we will always just be there.  We might stop even being able to relate to people or form proper bonds with them.  They might start thinking we’re gods too.”

“Where did that fear even come from?”  Sam asked.

“I don’t know.  Anne Rice?”

Sam chuckled and Clint shook his head.  “So, fiction?  Have you tried actually talking to someone who has experience with that kind of thing?”  Clint asked.

“What like Thor?  The god of thunder?”  I snarked.

“Well, what about that guy?”  Clint asked, gesturing to Fandral.

“I’m afraid I’m not a good example,” Fandral said with a small bow.  “I have lived a normal life for what is expected on Asgard.  I have seen my elders die but I haven’t had to outlive any of my peers.  At least not in terms of watching them grow old.  I’ve lost friends in battle.”

“Oh,” Clint said.

“There is a chance that young Loki here may outlive us all.  The stories say there are celestials who existed before existence.  There is only one known case of their death and the skull is now the homeworld of many people.  Then came the All fathers.  The Ice Giants came with them.  They were violent and burned a path through the universe before them.  Then Odin was born of the Allfathers.  That was when the universe began to settle.  Other worlds grew and their own life forms formed with their own life spans.  But here on Asgard we live thousands of years and are revered as gods.”

“Okay, but would you choose to outlive some people by millennia if you could?”  Clint asked.

Fandral approached us and took a seat next to Loki. “That seems inevitable.  People die in war.  I outlived the Valkyrie.  My parents.”

“The what?”  Clint asked.

“Valkyrie?  The warrior women?”  Fandral asked with a mixture of shock and disbelief.  “You haven't heard of them?”  When Clint shook his head, Fandral sat up straight and clapped his hands.  “A story for the little prince and princess.  Once upon a time, Odin was stretching his rule over the Nine Realms.  There was much fighting within them and he wished to restore peace and order.  He took with him an army of women who rode upon winged horses.  They were the most formidable army in all the realms.  All who they went up against fell.  Until one day there was a great battle and they were all slain.”  He explained.   “I was but a child when they existed.”  He leaned over and poked Pietro in the stomach.  “Your father wished to be a Valkyrie when he grew up.”

“You get me a horsie wif wings?”  Pietro asked.

Fandral chuckled.  “That might be possible, little prince.  But first, we learn on the non-winged kind.”

“Are they a different species?”  Clint asked.

“That’s right,”  Fandral said with a nod.  “Longer lived and stronger than the typical horse on Asgard, but no match for Odin’s former steed.”

Clint furrowed his brow like he was mulling over the story.  “Why would wings make them live longer?”

I snorted.  “Correlation, not causation, Clint.”

“If I were to guess, I would say it was because the magic runs deeper through them,”  Fandral added and turned to Loki.  “What do you think, dear?”

“I think it would be a shame if I had to put a knife into your eye,” Loki said rolling his eyes and picking at his nails.  “I just cleaned my blades.”

Fandral chuckled and poked Pietro in the belly.  “Now, now.  Your uncle is always so violent.”

Pietro giggled and wiggled in Clint’s lap.

“Where are the boys?”  Sam asked.

“Thor is being chewed out by Sif.  I think Steve and Tony are in the lab.”  I said.

Like I had summoned him, the door opened and Thor came in with Sif, followed by the chef and his carts of food.

“Woah, magic,”  I said as Riley wriggled out from Wanda’s arms and ran over to the chef.

Riley bounced on her feet as she watched the chef start sorting things out for everyone.  There was a lot more food than previously, but then there were also a lot more of us.

As he was setting up, Steve, Tony, and Hogun came in.

“Oh, hey, the rest of them,” Sam said.

“Where’s Bucky and Nat?”  Steve asked, looking around.

“Punching stuff,” Clint answered.

“You should give everyone their gifts,” I said as Steve scowled.

“Sure,” Tony said and went into the bedroom to find the bag.

“Sif, did you talk Thor out of it?”  I asked.

“I’m afraid not, my lady,” she said.  “I did try.”

Tony returned with the bag and pulled out the bow.  “This is for you, Legolas.”

Clint took it and his eyes went wide.  “It’s so light.  Feels like I’m holding a pencil.”

“It is like mine,” Sif said.  “It has a perfect balance and tension.  You will like it.”

Clint tested the balance and I took the bag off Tony and dug around in it pulling out the vambrace.  “I picked these for you,” I said giving them to Sam.

He took them and made a soft, pleased sound.  “These are nice.”  He said turning them over.

“I thought they’d match your wings if you wanted to wear them. Or they’re just pretty.  So you can put them on a shelf to look at.”  I said.

“They’re perfect.  Thank you, princess.”  He said and pulled me close nipping at my neck.

I giggled and leaned into him, passing the bag back to Tony.  He went back and pulled out the gift for Bruce and gave them to him pulling him into his arms and kissing him softly before he pressed the decorative case into Bruce’s hands.

Bruce opened them and smiled for the first time since I’d seen him here.  “These look interesting.”

“Thought you’d like them, Bear,” Tony said and nuzzled at Bruce’s neck.

Steve took the bag off Tony and took out Natasha and Bucky’s gifts and put them on a shelf out of the kids’ reach before bringing the whole bag over and giving it to Wanda.  “Everything else in there is for you, darling.”  He said.

Wanda looked at him suspiciously and then opened the bag and looked inside.  “Why is it so big?”

“Some weird magic,” Steve said.

She reached in and brought out a handful of rings, necklaces, and bracelets.  “There’s so much.”  She said, beginning to separate each piece.

“The lady who made them wanted you to have all of them.  There is a lot more in there.”  Steve said, leaning down and pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

“It’s all so beautiful,” Wanda said, smiling.  “Thank you.”

Steve gave her shoulder a squeeze.  “You’re very welcome.”

“Lunch is served.”  The chef said.

“Is good,” Riley said from her spot at the table.  A plate was already in front of her and her mouth was completely full.

“How’d you get food, bug?”  Clint asked getting up with Pietro on his hip.

Riley pointed at the chef with a piece of food she was holding in her fist.  “Dis guy.”

“I did hand her a plate.”  The chef said.  “Did I overstep, my lord?”

“Is good,” Riley said.  “You my fwiend.”

The chef chuckled.  “Thank you, princess.  You’re my friend too.”

“I assure you, Clinton.  Magnus has been working for the throne since I was a small boy.  I trust him completely.”

“Even with what happened?”  Clint asked.

“Yes.  Magnus is loyal to us.”  He said.  “And a member of our household.”

Magnus bowed and took leave of the room as everyone got up and helped themselves to food.  Pietro climbed up onto Clint’s head and ate things that were passed up to him as Clint sat at the table with Steve, Sam, Tony, and Bruce.  Wanda and I ate at the couch with Loki while Thor seemed to pace and pick at things.

“Come here, human cat.  Curl back up with me.”  Wanda said, shifting so she could eat with me tucked into her side.

I curled in and picked at the food on my plate.  “What would the bonding ceremony be like?  What can we expect?”  Wanda asked.

“Oh, we get powers.  But we don’t know what they’ll be until it’s happened.”  I said.

“I’ll have extra powers?  Like lightning?”  Wanda asked.

“They will be a reflection of both who you are and how you see yourself in your family,” Loki explained.  “For example, someone who was very protective of their family might be able to create a shield that encompasses them.”

“Oh.  I see.  I wonder what that would mean for each of us.”  Wanda said.

Loki shrugged.  “Hopefully it renders this one mute.”  He said gesturing to me.

I tried to stifle a laugh, ended up snorting and then broke down into peals of silent giggles.

Loki did his best to ignore me completely.  “The ceremony itself involves a literal binding.  A cord will be used to bind you to each other.  For the number of you, I imagine it will look like a large web.  Magic will be passed through it and you will take a sort of vision quest.  In it, you will find where you belong within the relationship and your family.  If the bonds are true and good, then you will be granted your new gift.”

“Wow. Okay.”  Wanda said and took a drink as she seemed to mull over Loki’s words.

“Does she always eat like this?”  Loki asked waving her hand vaguely at Riley.

I looked over and saw Riley completely covered in food and shoveling more into her mouth.  “Oh, yes.  She’s a hungry beast, aren’t you bug?”

She roared in response which made Wanda start giggling.

“Who raised this child to act like this?”  Bruce asked.

“We did?”  I said with a shrug.

“I think she needs to be recalibrated.”  Sam joked.

“Daddy,” Riley said, sternly.

“Oh.  You asked for it now.”  Sam said, getting up.

“No, daddy!”  She squealed.

“Yes, bug.”  He said, grabbing her around the waist and flipping her upside down.

She flailed and squealed, kicking her legs excitedly.  A soft wind began to swirl around the room.

“Just a few more minutes.”  Sam teased.  “You’re almost fixed.”

“Riley, control that wind, please,” Thor said.  She continued kicking and squealing but the wind died right off.

“Huh,”  Sam said, flipping her back over and putting her down.

“Again, daddy!”  She squealed, jumping up and down.

“She got control of it after only a couple of days?”  Sam asked.

Thor shook his head as Riley continued to jump up and down, tugging on Sam’s shirt.  “Only sometimes.  It’s important to remind her when it’s out of her control though.”

Sam caught her midjump and spun her upside down again.  She squealed in delight.   It was such a pure noise and she was so happy.  As loud as it was with everyone here I felt at peace.  Even Bruce seemed to have started to relax a little.  The only stand out person, who was not beginning to calm was Thor.  Time was ticking down to the Fenestare, and the stress of it seemed to be seeping out of his pored.

“Thor, are you okay?”  I asked.

“As I can be.”  He said in a strained tone.

“Do you want to join Wanda and I for cuddles?”  I asked.

“Yes.  I would most appreciate that.”  He said moving over to us.

“You know he is as heavy as a horse right?”  Loki asked.

“I have been under him many times, yes.”  I deadpanned as I opened my arms and Thor collapsed down into them.

Loki shook his head.  “I don’t know what I expected to happen when I said that.”  He said.  “I am old enough to know better.”

“You did kind of walk into it.”  I agreed as I began to caress Thor’s hair and neck.

Riley came over and climbed up on Thor, draping herself over him like a cat and closing her eyes.

“Do you think she understands what’s happening?”  Sam asked.

“I don’t know,” I said.

“I hope she doesn’t,” Bruce said, his voice slightly strained.

Thor shifted and closed his eyes a little, and it wasn’t long before both father and daughter were snoring lightly in the pile on my lap.

// NEXT

[attackpunk]

Mayhem and Matrimony, Chapter One

Rating: Explicit, but not until future chapters, Pairings: Batman/Joker, Warnings: none

I will be posting more of this if people are interested, so leave a comment and a reblog why dontcha?

It was never sunny in Gotham. In fact, it was hardly ever daytime. Nights always seemed unusually long, and when the morning did deign to arrive, it always came with an entourage of clouds. This was the way that all Gothamites preferred to live. If they wanted sunlight, they would have lived in Metropolis (and Metropolis was just too… metropolitan for any respectable Gothamite).

 Unfortunately, the Joker was not a respectable Gothamite. He was not a respectable anything, and he quite liked it that way. The Joker loved sunlight. He loved warm breezes and balmy afternoons. If it weren’t for a few choice superheroes, he would have moved to Metropolis long ago. Yet he stayed. His philosophy was that Gotham had character. Everything in Metropolis was pre-packaged and plastic wrapped, much like their god-like Boy Scout, but Gotham had life. And of course, Gotham had his beloved Bat.

Joker prided himself on being a psychopath, even a sociopath- yet when it came to the Bat, his heart melted. Nay, it soared. If only Batsy felt the same way. Actually, scratch that, if only Batsy realized that he felt the same way. Then everything would be tickety-boo.Joker surveyed his surroundings and smiled. Everything was going perfectly. A stunt like this was not only expensive, stylish, and daring, it was also a declaration. He wanted to see how much he could push his Bat, and if he got a happily ever after in the process? Well, then it would be a win-win!

 Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Harley skating towards him with a clipboard.

“Everything’s ready, boss,” she trilled happily, chewing her bubblegum. She held the clipboard out to him,“Just need you to sign these terms and conditions and we’ll be on our way.”“Perfect, dollface, just perfect!” Joker said, clapping his hands together. He felt like a schoolgirl getting ready for prom night. Only with more murderous intent. Or maybe not. It all rested on Batsy.

 He made his way over to the car he was going to be riding into the GCPD. It was one of his trademarks, a purple Lamborghini with green accents. It was garish, grotesque, and altogether way too expensive to have any kind of quality or class. He loved it. Getting in, he wondered just how this would all play out. Fuck, was he nervous?

No. Obviously not. The Joker, the scourge of Gotham, did not get nervous over a boy. Not even one that he was madly in love with. One that he would do almost anything for. But what if… 

No! He was not going to think about things going wrong. Batsy would see reason. He had to. Or Gotham’s streets would run red with blood.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce Wayne was a little bitch. At least, that’s what Batman thought. Nevermind the fact that he was Bruce Wayne; that was a technicality. No, in his civilian persona he chose to be a little bitch. It diverted suspicion away from what he spent most of his waking nights doing. And yet, he felt… empty. Like something was missing. Maybe he spent too much time as Bruce Wayne. Or maybe it was the opposite. Anyways, he was headed to the GCPD to be a public disturbance. Of course, he would be a calculated public disturbance. The real reason for his trip to the GCPD was to gather intel. Gordon had come to him about a potential mole in the precinct, and had asked him to discreetly monitor the officers. Batman was not discreet. Neither was Bruce Wayne, but at least no one knew that Bruce Wayne could sucker punch them into oblivion.

So that was the reason why Alfred was driving them into the grey, grey city in a black, black car, dodging traffic and politely cursing the absolute atrocities that were committed by the drivers of Gotham on the daily. 

Of course, it was just their luck that when they arrived it was absolute chaos. Bruce was not a betting man, but he was willing to bet the entirety of Wayne Enterprises that the Joker was behind it. It would make sense. The Joker was a psychopath, with no moral compass to speak of. Or, Bruce thought, perhaps he had too much of a moral compass. 

Gotham cops, and even cops in general, were not the most compassionate of creatures. Maybe this was the Joker’s twisted sense of justice. But it was not his job to psychoanalyze his arch-nemesis. Although, it wasn’t like the shrinks at Arkham were doing a good job of it. 

Bruce shook himself. Gotham needed him; what was he doing thinking about the Joker’s motivations? That sort of thinking was reserved for the Batcave, and if Bruce were being completely honest with himself, his bed. Now was not the time. 

“Alfred,” he said, voice slipping so naturally into that gravelly growl, “Is there a Batsuit anywhere close to here?”

Alfred glanced at him in the rearview mirror.

“Sir, do you even have to ask? I would have thought you had every location of every Batsuit memorized.”

“I’m a Bat, Alfred, not a computer,” Bruce replied dryly.

“I have one in the trunk, sir. Should I drive towards the nearest safehouse? Or mayhaps an alley?”

“Alley will be fine. Our main priority is protecting the people.”

Then, somehow, impossibly, things got even weirder. Well, perhaps not so weird for Gotham, but definitely weird by literally anybody else’s standards. The Joker was on a pedestal, rising above the chaos below like an angel. An angel in a wedding dress wielding a flamethrower. 

Miles away, Superman heard a chorus of “what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck” from Gotham. That was a rare occurrence; nobody in Gotham was disturbed by anything. Until now. Clark paused. Should he go investigate? No, Batman probably had things under control. Besides, he thought, punching a robot, he had his own problems.

Back in Gotham, the Joker was having a roaring time at the GCPD. Everybody was confused and hysterical, which was just the way he liked it. He signaled to Harley, who turned on the speakers attached to the trucks his henchmen had ridden in.

“Good morning, Gotham!” he yelled, his voice amplified by the lapel mic on his breast, “Are y’all having a lovely time?”

“No!” the people of Gotham yelled back, on fire and spiteful.

“Well, alright then. Would you like all of this mayhem to stop?”

“Yes?” yelled the people of Gotham, on fire and suspicious.

“Well then I only ask for one thing, dear Gothamites. I want…” Joker paused. Make them wait for it…

“Batman’s hand in marriage!”

Boom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Batman in question was halfway through putting on the Batsuit when he heard the shocking declaration. Now, Batman of course did not freeze in shock. The only time Batman was frozen was when Mr. Freeze scored a lucky hit. What he was currently doing was… analyzing the situation. While not moving. With his mind completely blank. It certainly did not take Alfred getting out of the car and slapping him across the face to get him to move again. It was five minutes before Batman burst onto the scene of the decimated GCPD, and everything was still on fire. Fucking typical. Only now the Joker was using his flamethrower (was it bedazzled?) to burn down the entire precinct. And the firefighters were trying to get through a blockade of stolen, armored trucks. 

“Fuck,” Bruce whispered under his breath. Then he said it a little louder for good measure. Joker was speaking again, having caught sight of him.

“Batsy, my darling, did you hear my proposal? You marry me, and I’ll stop terrorizing Gotham!”

“Over my dead body. You’re insane!” Batman shouted back, though he was barely audible above the sounds of general mayhem. 

“Maybe so, but this is an offer that’s too good to pass up, don’tcha think?”

Bruce stopped and thought about it. Personal sacrifice had never meant anything to him. He had given up any semblance of a normal life the moment he put on the cowl. And marriage to the Joker came with an end to his reign of terror. Who knew when an offer like this would come again? And, who knew what the Joker’s retaliation would be if he refused? Oh, fuck. Was he really doing this?

He was. He found himself scaling the demolished precinct, trying to get up to the Joker’s level. Or, metaphorically, stooping down to it. Either way, soon he found himself standing on the Joker’s pedestal, gazing upon him in all his wedding dress and flamethrower glory. Fuck, he was beautiful. 

Wait, did he really just think that? Well, said a tiny, sarcastic part of his brain, he is your future husband. Oh, fuck.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I accept your proposal,” Batman growled at him, looking both angry and nervous at the same time. Damn, that was a look. Wait, did Batsy just say yes? Joker gaped in shock. He hadn’t actually expected this to work. Batsy looked nervous, and Joker would bet his entire criminal empire that he did too. God, they really were a pair of idiots, weren’t they? 

“Hey, boss!” Harley shouted up to them. 

“Oh, thank God,” he and Batsy said. In unison. 

“Wow, we’re practically an old married couple already, Batsy!” Joker joked as they watched Harley get closer to them, dragging a harried justice of the peace behind her. 

“Don’t push it,” Batman warned, a tic forming in his jaw. 

“Alright, my love,” Joker purred. Oh, this could be rather fun. He’d be able to mess with his Bat as much as he wanted once they were married. Which would be very soon. Oh wow. He and Batsy would be married. As in, till death do us part. 

Or maybe not. The Justice of the peace had apparently broken free of Harley's grasp, and was now taking to the hills along with the rest of the populace. Smart guy, Joker thought. Or not, since Harley appeared to be in pursuit.

"So, we're getting… married right now? You're not going to try and court me first?" Batsy said, and was it the Joker's imagination or did he look put out? Well, that simply would not do. He only wanted the best for his Bat.

"Why, Batsy, what do you call all of our midnight trysts?" he replied, hoping to assuage his beloved.

"You consider trying to kill each other foreplay?" And oh, wow, was that a bit of sardonic humor in Batsy's voice?

"Why, yes I do! Would you rather I took you out to dinner? I, ah, don't quite think that would be received all too well, Bruce Wayne in a fancy restaurant with the Joker. People might talk."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce gaped.

"How the hell do you know who I am? And why the hell did you say that so loud! Isn't your mic still running? Oh my fucking God, what is wrong with- wait, no, that's a stupid question," Bruce was well aware that he was rambling, but it was definitely justified because his insane arch-nemesis knew his secret identity! 

"Relax, baby, I already disabled the mic. And it wasn't that hard to figure out your 'secret identity.' Bruce Wayne is the only person in Gotham with enough money to fund this kind of endeavor and a tragic enough backstory to warrant it. I'm insane, not an idiot," Joker said.

Bruce relaxed, if only slightly. This could actually work to his advantage, if he played his cards right (pun intended). Joker had never come after him in his civilian persona. Maybe that was a sign of trust between them? Bruce mentally shook himself. How could he ever trust the Joker?

You’re trusting him enough to marry him, that sadistic voice inside him whispered. 

“Oh, motherfucker,” Bruce groaned, feeling a headache coming on. 

“What’s wrong, dearest?” Joker asked, looking for all the world like a concerned bride-to-be, and wasn’t that a scary thought?

“What the fuck do you think is wrong, Joker, I’m marrying an insane clown with a penchant for extravagant murder sprees,” he snapped. This situation was getting too ridiculous even for Gotham, they were thirty feet in the air and the Joker was wearing a wedding dress. He was allowed to be a little angry. Angry at what, he didn’t know. Angry at the world, the Joker, himself; it was all the same thing. 

He found himself staring at the Joker, almost accusingly. Though Bruce was loath to admit it, Joker did look stunning. 

 “Batsy, not to alarm you, but we have a wedding to...perform? Do? Is that the right word? Either way we’re getting hitched. Come on, you can look at me during the honeymoon, God, this corset is tight.”

Joker lowered the platform they had been standing on, which really was too small for two grown men, and began to walk towards his Lamborghini, Bruce awkwardly following him. 

"Where are we going?" Bruce found himself asking against his better judgement. 

"To where the ceremony is being held. Did you really think I'd marry you in the ruins of a police station? Not really my, ah, style, wouldn't you say?"

Bruce had to admit he was right. Joker's style was much more… gauche. It was something to be appreciated. Almost. 

They approached the car, Joker sliding easily into the driver's seat. Bruce walked around to the passenger side, feeling vulnerable.

Christ, he was getting married. To his arch-nemesis. That was knowledge that would probably never sink in fully. How was this his life? He was in a car, a Lamborghini no less, with the Joker driving them to their wedding. Their fucking wedding. Bruce was panicked. No, no; not panicked. Batman did not get panicked. He was a calm, collected figure of justice, and he should damn well act like it. That didn't stop his stomach from twisting into knots. God, he really was like a bride on her wedding day. 

Would Joker expect them to consummate their marriage? Ice flooded his veins. Bruce may be into men and women, but he had never once had relations with another man. He had fantasized, of course, imagined strong hands on his hips and a thick cock in his ass, but he had never acted upon the desires that left him tangled in his sheets, panting. But now… he was getting married. And the Joker was a man. Who was most likely in love with him, however much sense that made. Maybe now…

No. He would not submit to the scourge of Gotham for something as base as desire. He never had, and never would. But would he if it were for the good of Gotham? What if this was the only way to save his city? Joker had promised to stop his villainous ways if Bruce accepted his proposal, and he had. Wouldn't such a union between them, however complicated, ultimately do only good? And perhaps, if he played his cards right, he would never have to sleep with the Joker. 

The bastard part of his brain told him that this was bullshit. He happily ignored that part of his brain and stared at the Joker. The white of his wedding dress was almost paler than his skin, and the purple accents were entirely typical, yet also somehow… alluring. The dress was sleeveless, and Bruce spent five minutes trying to figure out what laws of physics allowed it to stay in place. Eventually he realized that Joker was wearing a corset that had to be crushing his ribs. Bruce wanted, for just a moment, to take it off of him. To loosen the vice that had to be uncomfortable, had to be unpleasant. To ease, to soothe. That thought, that want, scared him more than anything else that had happened today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Things were going perfectly. Almost too perfectly. Surely it couldn't be this easy? Joker wasn't paranoid, but surely Batman had something up his gauntleted sleeve. He always did. Batman may have been one of the smartest people on the planet, but he was also about as observant as a brick wall. There was absolutely no way in hell that Batsy had realized his feelings that fast. 

Oh god, this was a sacrifice play, wasn't it? Instead of actually confronting his feelings, he was rationalizing what he was doing. Well. That certainly would not do. 

They had arrived at the venue, chosen specifically for its sentimentality. It was the Gotham Bank, specifically the rooftop. He glanced at the Bat, trying to gauge his reaction. He had become rather good at reading his expressions, even concealed as he was under the cowl. 

Batman, no, Bruce, was speechless. For a moment, anyways.

“This-this was where we first met,” he said, softly, almost reverent. Joker felt something in his chest give way and shatter. Bruce liked it. He had done well. He smiled, a soft thing, so unlike his usual, mania-induced grin. He looked at Bruce, who was looking at him. This was the man he loved. This was the man he was going to give up villainy for. This was the man he was going to marry. He had never been so sure of anything. Goddamnit, he was in love with Bruce Wayne, the Bat of Gotham, and he was going to shout it from the rooftops. Literally. He offered his arm to his Bat.

"Shall we?"

Batman hesitated, only for a fraction of a second, but then he took Joker's arm, and up they went.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everything was going absolutely perfectly. They were scaling the Gotham Bank, with him in Batsy’s arms. Thank god he didn’t mention the staircase that led up to the roof. Or, thank god that Batsy knew about the staircase and didn’t want to use it anyways. Either way, everything was working out absolutely fantastically. He rather liked being pressed close to Bruce, arms around that strong, bulky frame, so unlike his wiry one, and Harley’s voluptuous curves. Batman was solid. It was nice. 

When they finally reached the roof, he found his surprise for Batsy waiting for them. All of their friends were there. His bridesmaids- Harley, her wife Ivy, and Selina- were stunning in their violet dresses. He had taken the liberty of, ah, not exactly kidnapping, but rather… violently persuading the various Batboys to act as the groomsmen. They looked murderous, which was not ideal, but he could work with it. At least he didn't have to gag them. And really, they could get out of their handcuffs easily. He had seen them all do it before; they were perfectly capable of escape. And yet they weren’t. He wondered why.

In the seats lining the aisle were Gotham’s finest criminals, all dressed in their Sunday best. Scarecrow’s burlap looked especially nice, and did the Penguin have a new suit tailored for the occasion? Even Bruce’s loyal butler, Alfred, was there, looking altogether quite calm for a senior citizen surrounded by dangerous supervillains. 

“Batman!” Grayson called out, almost leaving from his spot as the best man. It was cute how he was still trying to hide his mentor's identity.

"Nightwing," Batman growled out, looking uncomfortable,

"What are you doing here?"

"I was going to ask the same about you," the Boy Wonder replied with a smirk that almost belied his unease.

“I’m doing what’s best for Gotham,” Bruce said, and what Joker wouldn’t give to see under that alluring cowl to see the expressions flit across his face. 

“Doing what’s best for Gotham my ass,” Jason Todd, the infamous Red Hood said from where he was standing, “You two have been flirting with each other since day one. Y’all just need to bone.”

Batman spluttered for a moment, then said,

“Bone!? Bone!? How dare you- wait a minute, didn’t he kill you?” Bruce said, incredulous.

“Yeah, but I got better,” Todd said, looking much more nonchalant than he usually did. But, then again, this isn’t supposed to be an angsty story, is it? 

Everyone decided to just go with it. Good.

“I, ah, hate to interrupt this lovely father-son moment here, but we do have a wedding to do, right darling?” Joker said. He was growing just the tiniest bit impatient. He wanted to be married, dammit! 

Batsy, to his credit, had the manners to look abashed. Wow, he had now seen more expressions on Bruce’s face today than he had in all their time together thus far. Joker extended his arm to his love.

“Shall we?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fucking motherfucking fuck

Alarm bells were ringing in Bruce’s head. This wedding was happening right the fuck now! Jesus fucking hell. Holy shit. He must look like a total idiot right now, but he was allowed to be a bit concerned! Joker was waiting for him, arm outstretched. Bruce grabbed it, his brain on autopilot. Or, not on autopilot, the pilot was there, but said pilot was almost certainly having a panic attack and quite possibly going into cardiac arrest. 

They were walking down the aisle.

They were at the altar.

The justice of the peace was there now, a bit more bruised than he had been the last time Bruce had seen him.

Everything was muted; he was swimming through noise and panic with the peace of a drowned man. All he could hear was a dull roar, that is until Dick slapped him on the shoulder. Suddenly, everything slipped back into focus.

“...Into this - these two persons present now come to be joined. If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together - let them speak now or forever hold their peace,” the justice said, his voice wavering only slightly. Damian looked to object, but was held back by Tim. Bruce was somehow grateful.

“And now, would you speak your vows?” the justice said, glancing nervously around.

“I shall,” Joker said, looking suddenly solemn.

“Batsy, from the moment I met you, on this very rooftop, I knew you were the one. No one but you had ever been able to bring out the best in me the way you have. Whether we were fighting or flirting, I always felt complete. And now I want to be complete with you, officially.” 

That was- unexpected. Bruce honestly hadn’t thought the Joker was capable of feeling things, at least not things like- no, he refused to say it. Everyone was staring at him, why was that? 

Oh. He had to speak his vows. What the hell was he going to do now? He had no idea what to say. He was Batman, he didn’t need words; a well placed glare was usually enough to portray his meaning no matter who he was speaking to. He cleared his throat. 

“Joker,” he began, “I- I don’t really know what to say. This entire situation is completely ridiculous, but I mean what situation with you isn’t? I guess it’s just a part of your charm.” Oh fuck, did he really just call the Joker charming? He glanced over at his children and, yep, they had definitely caught that. Even Damian looked smug. Okay Bruce, deep breaths. You just have to get through this then this whole nightmare will be over. Well, said that little voice in his head, damn that voice, it really will have only just begun. 

“Joker, while I admit the circumstances of this are not exactly typical, I really don’t think any kind of wedding with either of us could be. I almost hate to admit it, but you bring out the best in me, and I can only hope that in the future I can bring out the best in you,” he finished. That should be enough, right? He looked at Joker, and almost froze. The Joker was smiling, but not his normal, maniacal smile. It was soft, and hopeful, and it made something in Bruce’s chest crack open. Oh, fuck. 

The justice of the peace, still looking terrified out of his wits, seemed to gather himself enough to say,

“You- you may now kiss the groom.”

Bruce didn’t even have time to panic.

[gothamdetected-a]

multiverse.

i know what you’re thinking. sim are you absolutely fucking insane, don’t even TRY to tackle this one. you’re right i am insane. and yes i am still going to try and tackle a meta about DC multiverses HOWEVER, to give myself on shred of sanity on this treacherous journey, i will say that this is mainly going to be about the multiverse from a bruce perspective. this ride is a batman focused train i’m afraid. also i want to state that this is by no means a perfect explanation – i’m a) trying to keep it simple and b) still am lost on parts of the timeline myself so. its what i can offer.

ok so, originally NCP, or the national comics publication (who will one day become DC), wrote their golden age heroes on an earth now designated as earth-2. in the 30s, just before the war, comic books absolutely exploded as a media format, and a bunch of companies all jumped the gun on creating superheroes. many of DCs most endearing and recognisable heroes were created all the way back then, however many of them also are not quite who you will recognise as the character today. hal jordan wasn’t green lantern, but was instead a man called alan scott, jay garrick was the flash instead of barry allen etc etc. don’t worry though! batman is still batman, and has been bruce wayne since 1939. earth-2 batman, as he will come to be known, is a bright kind of guy found on technicolour pages with a cute lil robin by his side – there is a reason for this. the war. literally NCP said we cant be sending out dark and gritty comics to people dying in trenches so time to make it colourful and faintly ridiculous, and bruce wayne is a surprisingly optimistic guy for a man who watched his parents be slaughtered in front of him.

of course, by the 60s, NCP (who are also sort of known as NPP and really known by your average joe as superman-dc, based on their most successful comic runs) had realised their timelines were getting a bit squiggly for their golden age heroes, and most of them had been replaced out by their silver age counterparts anyway. so between 1961 and 1963, NCP start creating another “earth”, officially designated earth-1, which would become their main planet for all kinds of superhero shenanigans. the justice society of america becomes the justice league of america, and when you think of batman, you’re probably thinking of earth-1 batman. at least pre crisis. and, once they get taste for building whole new earths, we also get earth-3 (1964), or “opposite world”, where the good guys are bad guys, and batman is owlman and instead of the jla we have the crime syndicate of america.  

so sim, what other earths did dc come up with? well, i literally refuse to list them all because it was a multiverse and they did not slow down, but the ones that are most important to me are earth-5 where the only hero to live on this planet is bruce wayne/batman, and earth-89 where lois marries bruce instead of clark ahAHAHHAA. but i can tell you that pre-crisis there are 91 designated earths, and basically it could have gone on forever. there was an earth-c minus, earth-124.1, an earth where everyone was reptiles, honestly it was a MESS. and therein lies the problem.

now i’ve just used the term “pre-crisis”. what’s that, sim? maybe you’re not very familiar with comics, or with the recent dctv version of said comics, and so i will endeavour to explain one of the most brain numbing storylines that spans DC. also known as a retcon. see all these earths with their own histories and heroes and well everything really was becoming very inconvenient and meant a lot of world jumping and who can interact with who and everything was getting like spaghetti because they couldn’t calm down on the earth-building. so DC (who are officially DC at this point, 1977 babeyy), specifically a guy called marv wolfman (coolest name ever) who was sick of so many earths, comes up with the bright idea that will later form into a comic run called crisis on infinite earths (1985-1986). it was a serious crossover event, really considered by many to be the first of its kind. it sold extremely well, boosting dc’s flagging sales against it’s biggest rival, marvel. and as for the plot, it’s a bit convoluted but essentially some bloke turns up and starts to destroy all these worlds, and it becomes a race between the heroes and villains as to who can save/conquer the remaining earths that are left. although there are crises before and after this specific run, pre-crisis basically always refers to this particular crisis event, as it really shaped DC for the next 30 years.

for a while the retcon does an okay job of keeping the number of earths low. there’s still some earths that are considered non-continuous floating around, but mainly there’s just earth-1, which is now a merger of the most important “earths” that existed pre-crisis, and a way for all of DCs heroes to now be in one place and interact with each other. other earths at this point include;

earth-23 (1986) – a small pocket dimension

earth-17 (1990) – we don’t talk about this. honestly spare yourself and. don’t look. its horrific.

earth-27 (1990) – a historically divergent planet with a hero actually called vegetable man.

earth-85 (1987) – a hodgepodge of post-crisis characters live here, chillin

earth-988 (1990) – superboy is the only hero in this universe

the antimatter universe – all of pre-crisis’ earth-3 villains, including owlman, get shoved here for later use when dc need a couple of villains to come back.

and for a while all is well. then comes DC elseworlds (1989). which. you know. i love. it gave me victorian batman. pirate batman. caveman batman. vampire batman. frankenstein batman. terrorist batman fighting against russian!superman. they even gave me marvel crossovers, with captain america meeting batman. it was a glorious time. technically elseworlds is not considered canon, ran outside of canon as a way for writers to explore those wacky kind of worlds lost to the crisis, which is dumb because some of the plot lines are both hilarious and incredible. but the numbers started to get ridiculous again. most elseworlds are named after the year that the plot takes place in, so we get earth-1889, earth-1938 etc, but even more of them just seem to have random designations. i think by the time they reached earth-5050 they sort of knew that theyd fucked up again. we’ve had zero hour, we’ve got hypertime and kingdom come, and besides, its been a while since they had a good crossover, so by the time 2005 rolls around its time for crisis pt 2 (because dc love to use the word crisis for crossovers) or as it’s officially known infinite crisis. infinite crisis has an even more confusing plot involving a bunch of slightly nuts versions of characters escaping a pocket dimension, earths being created and then merged, and a rogue ai which batman made and then has to destroy because his own creation becomes too powerful etc etc. the only good thing to come out of it was earth-0, or bizarro world, because bizarro & batzarro are my babies. don’t worry though, this new set of earths won’t last long either, as in 2008 DC conclude their trilogy of crises with final crisis that featured one of the most important events in batman’s history – darkseid “killing” him. yes the quotations are important. i’ll leave you to infer what they mean.

so 3 crises later and everything is still just as messy as they’ve ever been and there’s 60 years worth of comic history being tangled about, and marvel had already established a very successful reboot in 2000, and anything marvel do, we can do better, so DC do their first, full and proper reboot. unlike retcons before it, which is where they retroactively try to fix what people already know and simplify timelines & earths, this is like someone shaking the etch-a-sketch and starting fresh. back in infinite crisis an arbitrary number was assigned to how many “earths” there could be – 52. and so in 2011, DC go hey that’s neat and create what becomes known as the new- or nu-52. heroes are given shiny new backstories, everything is streamlined and wonderful, sales rise, DC has a clean slate to build off again.

ha.

yeah that doesn’t happen.

this reboot, also known as flashpoint, due to it being spawned from another big ol’ crossover of the same name, shows barry allen trapped in an alternate universe where everything is not quite right – his mother is alive, superman is nowhere to be found and he doesn’t have his powers. worst of all thomas wayne is batman. yeah, batman’s dad is batman. thanks DC, i hate it. reverse-flash has tried to change history and stop the jla from ever being formed – le gasp. barry goes to fix it, merges three universes together – earth-0, which isn’t a bizarro world but now the “main" earth, also called new earth or prime earth (DC), earth-13 (vertigo) and earth-50 (wildstorm), but also causes 10 years to be “lost” to these characters. there are now 52 brand spanking new earths, each sitting in their own universe as part of the multiverse. no one remembers anything except barry. even for a reboot and convergence of DC’s franchises, it’s messy as fuck. and it goes to shit very very quickly. people don’t really like n-52. DC have cancelled everything, certain characters such as cassandra cain-wayne are fucking ERASED from existence, no one likes the new costume designs, its an absolute shit show and the plots get very confusing very quickly.

so what do DC do?

they reboot again. sigh.

only 5 years after the mess of nu-52, they produce DC rebirth, a new relaunch of all their famous runs. brainiac does some magic and collects a bunch of worlds together and magically we’re all going to forget the last 5 years of comic hell. it is a reboot to retcon flashpoint as though that never happened. yes, DC are actually retconning their own reboots. talk about sweeping it under the carpet. technically “rebirth” only ran for a year as a promotional thing for the reboot, before joining with the larger, now-singular DC universe, however everyone still calls it rebirth because if we don’t give these things names it will get even more fucking confusing than it already is. rebirth also still has 52 universes making up the DC multiverse, just to make things even more simple and easy to understand (DC what is it with 52. why 52.) although lots of the earths in this multiverse have been re-designated – eg. pre-crisis earth-31 was home to an aged batman who fakes his death to go train a bunch of new vigilantes (the dark knight returns), and now 31 is an apocalyptic wasteland or some shite. a lot of these earths were re-designated during the flashpoint/nu-52 era, and even though rebirth was supposed to erase that, DC have decided never mind we’ll keep it. there’s also 7 mysteriously undesignated earths – ooh spooky, they definitely won’t feature in the next major crossover. also for a multiverse with 52 universes, they sure do have more than 52 : there’s the microverse, a bunch of universes collectively called “the sphere of the gods” where apokalips and like, literal heaven & hell exist, an innerverse???, dreamworld, limbo, DC are taking the piss they only said there were 52 earths but that means they can make as many other shitty dimensions and pocket-universes as they please apparently. don’t even get me started on the source wall. for the most part the writers just. don’t acknowledge this and stick to the main prime earth. for the most part. thanks for throwing thomas wayne as batman back into the mix, rebirth.

so that’s the last of it, right sim? eh, almost. it should have been the last of it, really. and then geoff johns couldn't keep his mouth shut and produced possibly the worst comic in recent history, if not ever, doomsday clock. now doomsday clock is a nightmare for an impossibly long list of reasons that i won’t get into here because this isn’t a rant about why i think doomsday clock is the worst thing to ever happen to dc (although that’s a catchy title i should use that some day) - no, the reason i bring up doomsday clock is because. oh my god even saying this makes me sad. doomsday clock proves that the pre-crisis universes still exist and are still out there. somewhere. canonically. sim why is that sad i thought you liked everything pre-52. it’s sad because it means at any point now, DC could bring them back, ruin their own legacy, make everything even more confusing than it already is. i love pre-52 stuff but you gotta leave it alone. currently doomsday clock has only established that these universes exist as a way to honour every era of superman, because DC didn’t want to completly erase some of the incredible work and storylines put into him as a character. fine, fair enough. but it does leave the possibility that they will try and return to them too. comic book writers love doing funky story lines like that. they think they need to write something that’s never been done before and instead of coming up with something actually unique, they just poke around in the multiverse WHICH IS HOW WE ENDED UP WITH THIS AS A PROBLEM IN THE FIRST PLACE.

ahem.

hopefully this helped clarify some stuff for people, especially those folks who aren’t big comic fans/expereience dc through the DCEU or DCTV, when encountering rpers who say they base their characterisation off of, for example pre-n52/flashpoint comics, like myself.

oh, and thank you for coming to my ted sim talk.

[yeaaabudddy]

Betrayal Pt.2

Ship: Damian Wayne x Reader (Y/N)

Type: Angst

Requested: Yes, by anon. (Thank you for the detailed request that the one anon sent, I hope I did it justice!)

Words: 1 768

Notes/Warnings: Death. 

Hello guys, sorry this took so much time to write and also it isn’t the best sequel but I still hope you enjoy it! The transition might be a bit weird because I went from the end of Injustice 2, the video game, to Injustice Gods Among Us: Year 5 issues 25 & 26! Also, thank you for over 100 followers on this account!! More content hopefully coming soon!

Part 1

-

You don’t know what had happened, it was like you had woken up from a weird dream, essentially. You were present and awake while everything was happening but it was like you couldn’t make decisions for yourself, couldn’t control yourself.

You saw and heard everything but your brain was reprogrammed to follow every order without question and full loyalty to Superman. You don’t really understand what had happened but you didn’t see Batman after a while and you wondered why, hoping nothing bad happened. You were answered when he showed up in front of you after a few weeks, delicately inserting a needle in your arm and carefully piecing apart the machine that was restricting you.

All at once you could feel your senses come alive and you instantly felt rage. Rage and sadness to be precise. The emotions had been pushed away inside of you for so long that it accumulated. The last emotions you felt before you were placed under Superman’s control.

It all went towards Damian and you knew that. Your heart pounded, hearing the beats in your ear as you remembered what he had done to you. While you were under, you saw Damian many times. He would come to you when he was angry or sad to complain or hold your hand. You were unable to move or properly respond but you felt sad seeing him. That and anger.

You knew he wanted the best for everyone but to take away your freedom from you and make you a slave was too far that you couldn’t forgive him.

You look at Batman as he steadies you as you regain control of your body. You don’t know how he managed to come back from this but he’s Batman so you don’t question it.

“I have to go find Superman first, he needs to answer some questions.” You nod and stretch to get used to the feeling of moving your body on your own. You quickly follow Batman as he quietly makes his way into position in order to attack Superman. You hide behind a wall and watch, the dialogue of their fight catching you up to date and what you missed as you were still under control.

The realization that Alfred was gone had made your heart drop and you hated that the first thing you thought of was ‘How is Damian?’. Then just thinking about Damian made your heart hurt in pain as you realized how angry you are at him.

As you peek out from behind the wall you see Damian at a distance, slightly afraid as he watches the two most prominent figures in his life fight. The sight was horrifying to look at, even for you. Seeing how far this war had come to made this situation worse. How far has Superman has gone to ensure complete control over the world?

Seeing Batman put up a full fight against Superman and keep up was so surreal. Superman laid on the floor in defeat after a full fight and he was covered in his own blood which surprised you. Batman started dragging him up by his cape.

“Dad…” You heard Damian speak up from across the room. Your eyes snapped to his form, he looked almost speechless at the scene in front of him. You once heard Damian tell you that Alfred had said that Superman would lose to Batman because Superman was afraid and seeing this might have made him feel something more for that statement especially since Alfred died for Batman’s cause.

Batman wrapped his arms around Superman’s neck, choking him as Superman looked beat up and out of energy. He looked up at Damian, his eyes full of grief and sadness.

“Is this what you wanted? For me to cross the line and become a killer like Clark?” Blood ran down Batman’s face as he looked straight at Damian for an answer. Their relationship coming to a different level of sadness as the father faces his son for confirmation.

“Are you willing to kill me to save him?” You could tell Bruce was genuinely asking because he knew Damian didn’t believe in his way of bringing peace but would he go all the way and rebel against him with death on the line, with losing his father.

“Without a second thought.” Damian didn’t wait before throwing a shuriken straight at Batman but Bruce caught it without a struggle. The sight was heartbreaking because even though they weren’t on the same side, they should still not go to the stage where they were willing to kill each other.

Superman was Damian’s new dad, a dad who shared the same ideals, a dad who didn’t blame him for Dick’s death, a dad that was not Batman. That’s why Damian was on Superman’s side, he wanted a father figure who would understand his way and that’s who he thought Superman was.

Damian started to crack his knuckles to prepare himself for a fight with the intent of killing this time. Bruce left Superman lying on the ground, struggling to gather energy. He then attacked Damian with a super punch, his body still fueled by the green pill he took. Bruce held back a little of his power, trying to make Damian pass out and not kill him (obviously). He knew Damian wouldn’t listen to him and won’t leave him alone until they fought so he tried everything in his power to get him out of commission for a bit so he can leave.

While they fought you heard a noise from the other side of the room. You look and see Superman slowly getting up from the ground and mustering up a bit of energy in order to attack Batman, getting into position to ram into him. Yo notice that neither Damian or Batman notice this and you could tell Batman’s green pill power was running out as he wasn’t pulling his punches with Damian anymore. You knew he would not be able to take on Superman alone, especially not with Damian coming at him with the intent of killing at the same time.

So you did what you thought was best in the situation. Enough of hiding behind the wall and hiding from Damian. You used the anger you felt and ran as fast as you could in between the punch coming to Batman’s back from Superman.

You actually had a whole speech ready for Damian, you were definitely going to teach him a lesson and maybe punch him a bit just to get even for all he’s put you through. You didn’t imagine that you wouldn’t even get to say a word to him.

The strength of Superman’s punch was way more than you could ever handle. You were in no means a super and you didn’t have a green pill to strengthen you up. You knew this was suicide when you stepped out behind the wall but you needed to do this for Batman, for the world.

The punch went straight to your face, you felt your neck crack as your head turned around from the impact. You knew that it was it for you. You were able to hear Batman and Damian’s footsteps running towards your body as you felt the life slipping out of you.

Damian’s face made its way into your vision, his face visibly pale and tears gathered up in his eyes.

“No, no way. Not you.” Damian cradled your body into his arms and Superman looked surprised at his own actions. His hands bloodied up and the reason as to why you lay here dead.

It wasn’t his fault though, he didn’t mean to kill you. He was supposed to hit Batman not you.

“This is who you’re siding with?” Batman’s last words really struck Damian but he was still trying to make up excuses for him. It was also the last thing you were able to hear before you fully left your body. The last few seconds of your life held in the hands of Damian Wayne, the person you loved so much but hated at the same time.

Batman ended up taking your body even though Damian had objected as you were his girlfriend but you were fighting Bruce’s battle, ended your life for him and he had to fight for you, make sure to save more people in your name.

“She wasn’t yours anymore Damian, not after you gave her to Superman. I could feel how angry she was when she came back.” Damian’s face dropped as he realized that he did lose you when he gave you up. How could he accept himself if he doesn’t try everything though?

“W-what about the Lazarous pit?” Damian suggests, his eyes wide as he looks at Bruce and Superman who realized they needed to put away their fight as your corpse laid in front of them. Flash and Wonder Woman had joined since then, ready to capture Batman before seeing your lifeless body in his arms. The shock of another death of a fellow hero, even if you weren’t on their side. A death is a death no matter who it is.

Barry put his hand on Damian’s shoulder for comfort as they all knew that the pit wasn’t a good option. Yes, you would come back but at what cost? Batman wouldn’t allow it anyways.

“It’s still an option, she can come back. I just have to tell-”

“Damian.” Batman’s voice cut Damian off. Batman knew the effects of the lazarus pit weren’t ideal and that you would suffer more coming back into this world after you met your demise. You had come to terms with it when you died for Batman and you knew you wouldn’t survive the attack.

Tears fell from Damian’s eyes as he realized that you were fully dead this time. No bringing you back, you weren’t there as a zombie, and you were definitely not fully conscious in his arms. Only a few moments ago you were there, breathing and alive even if you couldn't speak and act out on what you thought. You were still there in some way. Now you were totally gone.

Damian would always hold the responsibility over your death. He will always remember what he gave away for what he thought was right. Seeing your lifeless body after having to endure Alfred’s death not too long ago made him realize that maybe he was in the wrong. He should’ve been able to help you or save you.

He had killed you when he gave you away and took away your freedom and now you really are just dead.

-

Thank you so much for reading, sorry this part 2 was so late and if it isn’t what you wanted. If there’s a different outcome you want, send in a request and I’ll try to do it!

[holy-fate-worse-than-death]

We’ll See About That - Ch 1

Warnings: major character death, smoking, swearing

Summary:

Conner Kent is dying. Clark is hell-bent on using Kryptonian technology to find a cure, not yet at the point of desperation that would drive the Big Blue Boy Scout to ask him for help.

But, after watching his own son’s heart break at the prospect of losing his best friend, Bruce realises Conner’s other father figure is the boy’s only hope.

More than that, Bruce thinks, Lex deserves to know.

In which Bruce Wayne fights for Lex Luthor because he knows all too well what it’s like to lose a son. Angst ahoy!

*

‘The last time we were this quiet was at Jason’s funeral,’ Lex says.

And, for the second time in Bruce’s life, Lex Luthor breaks his heart.

Pairings: Lex Luthor/Bruce Wayne, TimKon

Characters: Bruce Wayne, Clark Kent, Lex Luthor, Conner Kent, Tim Drake, Jason Todd

Word Count: 2034

Chapter 1 under the cut >>>

‘What could I have done better?’ Bruce asks quietly.

'This is about Superboy, isn’t it?’ Jason replies sharply, 'You want to tell Luthor.’

His second son has always had a knack for cutting through the bullshit, a trait that Alfred would say is a reflection of Bruce. Were it any other day, it might have made him feel proud. Today, it humbles him.

The sun is rising over Gotham’s bleak skyline as father and son share cigarettes and pointed gazes atop a secluded rooftop ledge, the only terms of the uneasy alliance between them being that neither will tell Nightwing about the cigarettes.

’Lex,’ Bruce replies equally as sharply, 'was the only man brave enough to stand beside me at your funeral.’

If that touches a nerve, Jason doesn’t show it.

His helmet is off, much like Bruce’s cowl is drawn back. Black hair, blue eyes and broad shoulders mirror each other; a subtle challenge evident in the tension in their backs. Who takes the last cigarette? Who gets up to leave first? Do they part ways, or head in the same direction?

The cogs turn in both of their heads, synchronising like clocks without a word being uttered. A plan unfolds in tandem. One ashes their cigarette, then the other.

When Jason finally speaks, Bruce senses the apprehension in his tone, though it’s a near-perfect imitation of apathetic even to his mentor’s ears.

'I’ll keep Tim distracted,’ Jason says.

What goes unsaid is far more powerful, communicated in the briefest of glances Bruce’s way before Jason stands and returns his helmet to his head.

The shiny red thing is a relic of days past. Days when Batman was still the feverish daydream of an angry young boy. Days when the taste of Lex Luthor was still fresh on his lips.

He deserves to know, Jason’s eyes say.

Perhaps Bruce is imagining it, but he thinks they might also say, I wish someone had been there to put us back together.

*

'You’re here to tell me not to break your son’s heart,’ Conner says.

Bruce is seated next to him on a patch of yellowing grass, somewhere amongst the vast nothingness that spans the width and breadth of rural Kansas.

The cheap two-door he’d rented from a town a few hours north of here is parked behind them on a shoulder lane, shielding them from the prying eyes of truckers on the dusty road.

Bruce had thought better of the expensive suits he normally wore, and now finds himself in ill-fitting jeans and a pale blue polo shirt. He’s wearing a hooded sweatshirt over it all that makes him feel a few decades younger than he is.

It’s cold and foggy; early evening.

'I’m here to tell you to ask your father for help,’ Bruce counters.

The ensuing silence speaks volumes. Bruce notes clinically that at no point does Conner think he might have been talking about Clark, nor does he deny that Lex is his father.

'Your son didn’t really die,’ Conner says eventually, eyes fixed firmly on the horizon.

It’s a deflection tactic, Bruce knows, or perhaps just a low-blow designed to knock Bruce off his game. And it might have worked, had The Joker himself not been employing the same tactic against him for nearly half a decade.

Bruce briefly contemplates telling Conner everything he’s wanted to say since he found out Jason was alive. Perhaps, That’s not my boy, or, The little bird I knew and cherished never came back to the nest.

Instead, he finds himself thinking about the man he’d sat atop a grimy Gotham rooftop with that morning. His son, certainly, but not the one he lost.

So he says what he thinks that man on the rooftop would want him to say:

'I think Jason would be insulted to know he’s still thought of as the boy who died that night.’

Conner doesn’t speak for a long time. When he does, it’s with another protestation, just as half-hearted as the first.

'Lex Luthor is an evil man.’

'Evil,’ Bruce says slowly, chewing on the word, 'is a hyperbole Superman is quite fond of.’

'And you’re the right man to judge that?’ Conner quips back, voice pitching upwards, 'One exploitative billionaire to another?’

Bruce lets out a wry laugh. It comes out sounding more like the type of short bark a dog would make if it felt threatened.

'Certainly not,’ Bruce concedes.

He finally turns towards Conner, his demeanour something approaching friendly.

'I hardly think Lex Luthor’s ex-fiance is the right man to judge the virtue of his past deeds,’ Bruce says boldly, surprising himself not for the first time since this exchange began.

There’s a pause, during which the sun descends fully below the horizon and they are engulfed in near-complete dark.

Bruce waits for Conner to speak, but instead he finds himself speaking. Perhaps it’s the bat in him; emboldened by the dark.

'But perhaps I’m the right man to offer you some insight into your father’s humanity.’

Another long pause. The wind stills as though Mother Nature herself is holding her breath alongside Bruce.

Just as Bruce is starting to frantically cobble together another moving speech, Conner exhales. A long, deep sigh.

'I’m dying,’ he says.

There’s no sadness in it, just a bone-deep resignation that damn near rips Bruce’s heart out.

'You know what your father will say, don’t you?’

Conner responds with a tight nod.

'We’ll see about that,’ they say in unison.

On the way back to the car, Bruce finds himself saying something else that is far too honest for such a young man to bear:

'As for Timothy.’

He hears Conner suck in a pained breath, wonders if it’s the illness plaguing him or the pain of thinking about the boy he loves.

'You Luthors have a certain knack for breaking the hearts of Wayne men,’ Bruce says plainly, 'I doubt I could stop you if I tried.’

*

In the car, Conner asks the practical questions; the ones that come to mind only after the gravity of the situation has settled on your shoulders:

'How did you find me?’

'Kryptonian scanners are quite good at picking your genetic signatures from amongst the other lifeforms on this planet.’

Bruce’s hands tense on the steering wheel as he braces for the next question, and for the answer he knows he won’t be ashamed of even though he ought to be.

'So Clark sent you?’

The bleak greys of mid-evening Kansas speed by out the window. The moon and the stars are still obscured by cloud cover, though they’re yet to see a drop of rain.

It had felt somehow wrong to do anything but drive from here to Metropolis. A waste of time that Lex would chastise them both for, Bruce was sure. But there was something Bruce couldn’t shake about the notion that every boy ought to experience a cross-country road-trip at least once in his life. Maybe they’d have a greasy breakfast at some non-descript gas station and forget their capes for a few short moments.

Superheroism seemed like a burden too great for a dying boy to bear. Though perhaps not as burdensome as dying itself.

'The Watchtower is equipped with Kryptonian sensors,’ Bruce finally says.

'Partners in crime, then.’

Another dozen miles of road pass.

'Is Dick with Tim?’

'Jason is looking after him.’

'Is that wise?’

'No less wise than letting him date the half-Kryptonian son of Lex Luthor.’

*

They arrive at LexCorp’s head office a day or so later. The gas station food has been mediocre, and the car rental company has been ringing him off the hook.

Neither of them have slept, and it shows in their eyes.

A nameless Wayne Enterprises employee brings them fresh clothing – a suit for Bruce, something relaxed but fashionable for Conner.

They change in a parking lot that’s entirely too close to the Daily Planet for Bruce’s liking.

It feels a little too much like they’re changing into their costumes for a mission, and Conner looks a little too much like Clark in this light.

He thinks of a hundred missions in Metropolis that started just like this one, long before the Justice League was formed – before they’d even taken on protégés like Conner and Tim.

They waltz into LexCorp fifteen minutes later like they own the place, exiting a top-of-the-line sports car (Bruce would be lying if he said he paid any attention to car manufacturers) that the Wayne Enterprises employee had exchanged for their rental.

Bruce is unsure if the receptionist at the front desk recognises himself or Conner, but by the time they reach the sleek elevator at the opposite end of LexCorp’s glossy atrium, she is chittering into a telephone receiver.

Bruce hears something like, Yes, Mr Luthor, as he guides Conner into elevator first, a tentative hand clasped on the boy’s shoulder.

Lex knows by now, Bruce thinks as he watches the floor numbers tick up one by one. He’ll have these precious seconds to prepare.

What else could it mean, when Batman arrives on your doorstep with your son in tow?

'He knows who I am,’ Bruce thinks to say a few floors before the hundredth.

Conner doesn’t speak, but nods almost imperceptibly. Equally as imperceptibly, he leans closer to Bruce, toward the hand on his shoulder.

The hundred-and-first floor is Lex’s. The gentle ping of the elevator is like shrapnel tearing through their heads. Conner flinches, Bruce squeezes his shoulder.

The doors slide open, and Lex’s face is so pale Bruce is sure his heart stops when he sees it.

Mercifully, however, Lex has eyes only for his son.

They teeter there, the three of them, for a few heartbeats too long. Bruce wonders if this is how people who aren’t bats feel when they stand on the edge of a cliff.

Then, Conner does something that surprises all three men. He leaps into his father’s arms, nearly knocking him off-balance.

Bruce is there to catch Lex’s elbow and keep him right way up. It’s a scorching hot moment of contact; skin-on-skin because Lex’s dress shirt has been hastily rolled up around the elbows.

Bruce swallows it down and turns his back to the father and son, allows them their privacy.

Conner is whispering something like, I’m dying, over and over. In stark contrast to the resignation of yesterday, now Conner sounds terrified. Beneath the anxious fog that has settled over Bruce’s mind, he is faintly aware that Conner’s newfound terror comes from the realisation that this is it. Turning to Lex is the Hail Mary they had all prayed they would never have to make.

Bruce is reminded of Clark in the past, the way he would so callously say things like, Lex Luthor? I wouldn’t go to him if I was dying. Bruce files that away for later; to ruminate on the impression that has left on Conner, to chastise Clark and remind him of his responsibilities as a mentor. If, after this, he still has someone to mentor.

'We’ll see about that, son,’ Lex says.

There is comfort in it – perhaps more than there ought to be. Lex’s confidence is unwavering, even in the face of crisis. Difficult? A few seconds. Impossible? A few minutes. But Bruce is sure he is scared; that any moment the cracks will begin to show.

Bruce glides across the room unnoticed, and finds himself idling awkwardly in the middle of it. Perhaps it is the sleek, futuristic furniture that Lex has decorated his office with. Is that a couch, or a table? Either way, it puts Bruce directly in Lex’s line of fire the moment he spins around, and Bruce supposes the room is designed with these exact moments in mind.

'How did this happen?’ Lex demands, voice booming throughout the sparse, cavernous space.

Bruce takes a moment – selfishly – to breathe deeply. Lex watches him with keen eyes, every muscle in his body going rigid at the thought of Batman needing to steady himself before this conversation.

'Truthfully,’ Bruce says.

He grimaces, because he knows not even the ever-fatalistic Lex Luthor will have prepared for an answer this grim.

'We have no idea.’

[superbataddicted]

Writer's Month 2019

Day 22 Prompt: Summer (Warning: Description of sexual content. Nothing too explicit.)

Fandom: Superbat, Clark Kent/Bruce Wayne, Superman/Batman

Writer: batzmaru65

Bruce eyed himself in the mirror, displeasure evident on his face. He plucked at his bodysuit, first where his torso was, then his thigh, disliking the fact that the suit was not fitted snugly against his skin.

“Shall I increase your food intake, Master Bruce?” Alfred asked, hiding his amusement behind an impassive expression as if that could fool Bruce.

Of course it did not. For Bruce shot an irritated stare at Alfred’s reflection in the mirror, knowing very well that his butler was laughing hard at his current predicament.

“Happy right! ‘Cause now you have an excuse to stuff me with more food.”

“Whatever you say, Master Bruce,” Alfred gave an elegant bow, hiding his smile as he bent down to pick up the discarded cape and cowl, leaving Bruce to fume all by himself.

With a frown creasing his brows, Bruce stalked out of his bedroom and into his study. He grabbed his phone and sent a quick text. Then he turned to face the French windows, arms crossed over his chest, braced for the confrontation that would come swiftly.

True enough, a sudden gust of wind which set the curtains fluttering, and the cause of Bruce’s problem was there, looking super upset and unhappy.

“What’s the meaning of this!” Clark flashed the text on his phone at Bruce. He had come so quickly that he had not changed out of his reporter’s attire. His hair was a mess, his spectacles askew and his tie flung back over his shoulder.

Bruce struggled to remain stern in the face of such adorability.

“It means what it means.”

Clark scowled. Bruce was in one of those moods again, making decisions without first consulting him. It’s a hard habit to crack and sometimes Clark wanted to strangle him for doing that.

“I object! You passed judgement without first seeking the defender’s opinion and that’s an injustice.”

“Injustice my foot! My body/s suffering and I’m declaring a state of emergency so you’ve to do as I say until I get the problem fixed.”

At the word ‘suffering’, Clark’s eyes widened in concern and he quickly scanned Bruce only to find nothing amiss. Except for a few scratches and bruises, Bruce was in perfect health.

“I don’t see any problem.”

“Don’t see...” Bruce gritted his teeth, eyes narrowed in annoyance, “ How can you bloody see anything when you’ve been like a horny teenager the whole summer long! I’m already wrung dry by the fucking heat and then you have to work me through the night with your damn insatiate appetite. No wonder I’m losing my body mass so fast! At this rate, I’m going to become too skinny to fend off my enemies.”

“But I can’t help it,” Clark cried, turning on his doleful puppy eyes at full blast, well-aware of its impact on Bruce, “There’s simply too much sun and so much endorphins buzzing in me and I just can’t stop craving for you.”

Bruce immediately turned his back on Clark, knowing very well what his lover was trying to do.

“That’s too bad,” He shouted over his shoulder, “You’ll have to wank yourself from now on. For I’m not going to have sex with you until I gain back my body mass.”

He then strode off in a haste before Clark could pull any more tricks that would make Bruce cave in.

-

Many days later.

Clark heaved a body bag onto the metallic-looking bed that was surprisingly soft and yielded like memory foam under the sudden weight. He unzipped the bag, smiling apologetically at a glaring Bruce all trussed up like a chicken, naked except for a pair of boxer shorts.

“Sorry for the rough treatment,” Clark lifted Bruce out and began untying him, wincing at the muffled curses that were leaking out despite the gag. That was why he chose to leave that to the last.

“What the fuck are you doing! How dare you treat me like this!” Bruce yelled once the gag was removed, pouncing on Clark and gripping him by the cape pinned to his shoulders. He would much rather punch Clark but knew it was a waste of effort as ‘The Man of Steel’ would not be hurt one bit by it.

Clark let Bruce shake him like a ragdoll, hands going round his waist to support him, letting him work some steam off before he pressed forward and kissed him. Bruce jerked his head back but Clark chased after him and it was now Clark pouncing on Bruce, pinning him to the bed and smothering him with kisses until Bruce gave up struggling.

Bruce glared at a grinning Clark, hating how easily he had succumbed to him.

“I just want to help you with your problem.”

“By kidnapping me to your ship!”

“No, by removing a major factor that’s contributing to your weight loss.”

“Then why are you still here!”

“That’s so cruel,” Clark stared reproachfully at Bruce, “I’m your boyfriend, your lover, your destined one, our fates are bounded together as written in the stars and...”

“Oh shut up!” Bruce's hair was standing on ends. For someone who could break the world easily, Clark could be super cringey with his words. Bruce simply could not get use to it despite years of exposure.

“Okay.”

And Clark really kept quiet, settling himself comfortably over Bruce, fingers brushing softly across Bruce’s cheeks, his nose, tucking stray strands of hair back in their places. He was so peaceful and contented whereas Bruce was becoming more agitated by the minute. He had a dozen questions bugging him to no end and unlike Clark, he did not have the patience when it came to dealing with his boyfriend. Ask him to crouch for hours on a stakeout, he can. But ask him to play this hold-out-as-long-as-you-can game with Clark and he always loses in the end

“Will you quit dawdling and just tell me what you want!” Bruce finally barked out, lips pouting resentfully.

“Only if you promise to accept what I tell you.”

“Fine, whatever!” Bruce growled. The faster he did what Clark wants, the faster he could get back to Gotham and the work waiting for him there.

“Thank you!” Clark beamed and his hands began to wander down Bruce’s body with lecherous intentions.

“Wait!” You haven’t...” Bruce squirmed, breath hitching as fingers teased his nipples,

"Oh sorry,” Clark kissed him as an apology though his fingers did not stop their ministrations, “Forgot to tell you that we’re officially on leave until summer ends.”

“What!” Bruce jerked up, eyes wide in disbelief, “That’s impossible! Gotham..”

“Dick has agreed to step in and the rest of the family will help out.”

“But..”

“The Titans have sufficient manpower to watch over Bludhaven without him around.”

“Even then, we can’t simply...“

“The League has approved our leave.”

“On what grounds!” Bruce tried to push Clark off but was hindered by the fact that Clark had a hand over his groin, groping enthusiastically.

“It’s called lover’s leave,” Clark watched eagerly as Bruce arched his head back at the pleasure Clark was giving him.

“There’s...ahhh...no such...*gasp* thing...!”

“Oh, yes there is,” Clark latched onto the crook of Bruce’s neck, sucking until a hickey was formed before he let go, licking his lips in satisfaction, “I proposed it and it was approved immediately by the League a few days ago.”

Bruce was already gone by then, barely even listening to what Clark was saying. His hips was thrusting into Clark’s fist while his hands scrabbled against Clark’s suit, desperate to get it off so that he could feel Clark’s skin.

Smirking, Clark bent down to kiss Bruce again, open-mouthed, hot and hungry. So much for not having sex with him huh just because of a few lost pounds over the summer months. And anyway, Bruce would gain back his body mass in no time. Alfred was cooking up a storm and Clark intends to feed every bit to his lover in between their romps in the bed.

(Why Clark managed to get the League to approve this new type of leave is because everyone was dying to have something like this. They're always missing out in terms of time spend with loved ones and now that the League had grown so much, they can afford to have something like this. Already there is a waiting list after Clark and Bruce. The next in line is Hal and Barry, followed by Oliver and Dinah. Even Diana is applying for the leave, though she refused to divulge who her partner is.)

(This is also a follow-up to another story I had written awhile back. It's called A Hot Summer's Night - My Thoughts' on You. You can read it here on AO3. The idea is also based on a suggestion from a reader in the comments section.)

[flowerpot101]

His Love

Clark Kent x Reader

Request: Can I request an imagine where Clark meets his soulmate and then they've been together a long time and everyone just kinda admires their relationship and thinks it's really cute and stuff how much they love each other and act cheesy with each other but are different to everyone else? Thanks

Word Count: 2091

She knew it was soon before she would meet him, her clock slowly ticked down to zero as she walked. Her apartment was just a block away when someone ran passed her and snatched her purse from her shoulder causing her to fall forward to the ground. Quickly getting up and running after the man, he was far too ahead of for her to catch up. Slowing down her pace as she came to a stop in the middle of the sidewalk, she let out a huff; there was no way for her to get her purse back since there was no one else on the streets but her.

Turning around to go to her apartment, she heard a swooshing noise behind her, “Excuse me, ma’am?” She heard from behind her.

Turning around, she took a step back when she came face to face with Superman. Looking down to his hand she saw him holding her purse, lifting the bag forward, “I believe this is yours.”

Y/n let out a sigh of relief and nodded her head, “Yes it is thank you so much.” As she reached for her purse to take it from him, their hands met and an electric shock went through them.

They’re eyes widened as they realized what just happened, her head turned down to her wrist and saw the clock had hit zero. Looking back up to him with her mouth agape, she breathed in, “I gotta go.” Beginning to back away, “Thank you again!” She said as she ran off to her apartment and away from him.

That had been a week ago, she felt so stupid for running off like the way she did but who wouldn’t? She had just found her soulmate and it was fricken Superman. She needed time to absorb in the new information, she knew if needed that she could find him easily. When she had gotten home that night, her clock had finally fallen off, over the next couple of days, people kept asking her questions about it but she just shrugged it off and giving them a short reply.

Today she was at one of her favorite cafes for lunch; it wasn’t as busy as other days which she greatly appreciated. It was just her and a couple of other costumers, and then she heard the bell ring indicating someone had just walked in. Looking up she saw Clark, one of the people that also worked at the Daily Planet. They had never met for they were on separate floors and did different things.

For some reason as she looked at him, something felt familiar to her like she knew him. Clark turned around when he felt someone starring at him, there he saw you sitting at one of the tables all alone. His eyes widened when he realized it was you, turning back around to order his drink as he waited, he tried to come up with a plan to talk to you. Grabbing his drink and turning to go walk towards you, you were already gone. Clark let out a deep sigh and headed back to work.

                                     The Next Day.

 Clark just got out of a meeting, while he walked back to his cubicle, he saw Y/n talking to Lois. He knew this was the perfect time to do this, walking about to the two woman he let out a small grunt letting them know of his presence. The two turned around with smiles on both of their faces.

“What can we do for you Clark?” Lois asked.

Then Clark was hit with nerves, “Uhm…” Swallowing deeply before continuing, “I was wondering if I could talk with Y/n… privately.”

Y/n eyes furrowed down wondering what he wanted since they didn’t exactly work together, “Sure… Do you want to go to the roof?” Y/n said hesitantly.

Clark nodded his head then they were off to the elevator, Lois just watched as the two went with a smirk upon her face. She knew about the run-in you had with Superman last week and she couldn’t be any happier for the two of you.

Y/n looked out to the horizon of the city, listening to all the buzzing noises around her. Turning to look at Clark as he fumbled with his hands in apprehension, she tilted her head before asking, “So, what was it that you wanted to speak to me about?”

Clark looked up at her; he couldn’t help but look at how beautiful she looked as the sun hit the side of her face slightly. He had no clue on how he was going to tell her that they were soulmates, he was worried to death when she would realize that he was Superman. He didn’t want to put her life at risk but the bond between them kept getting stronger by the day.

“Clark? Is everything okay? You look like you’re going to be sick,” she said in her sweet tone.

He nodded his head before taking a deep breath in, “I need to show you something and I need you to promise me you won’t freak out.” He said while walking towards the ledge.

“Okay,” she said hesitantly. “Why don’t we step away from the ledge though?”

Letting out a deep sigh, he began to fall forward, letting gravity take him, and he could hear her run towards the ledge as she yelled out his name. As she looked over, she couldn’t see him anymore then a whoosh of air hit her face and a loud thump was heard behind her. Turning around abruptly, her hair swinging around her, she stared wide eyes with her mouth agape; Clark who had just fallen off the ledge, now stood before her like nothing had happened.

“W-what… Wha-at…” She couldn’t form any words; she was stunned with what she had just seen. Quickly shaking her head to make it clear, “What in the world was that?!” She yelled out.

Clark just stood there before taking his glasses off, “I’m Superman,” he said quietly and unsure.

Her eyes widened as her head tilted backwards slightly, her mouth kept opening and closing like a fish, trying to come to terms with what he just told her. Then it hurt her, “Oh. My. God.” She whispered out to herself before her head looked towards him and softly said, “We’re soulmates.”

Clark nodded his head then she began to laugh hysterically, her hands came up to the top her head, he stepped forward, “If you don’t want to be with me then—“

Interrupting him, she shouted out, “Of course I want to be with you!” Walking towards him, “Clark, you’re an amazing and sweet guy, why wouldn’t I want to be with you?”

“Because being with me means putting your life at risk,” Clark said sadly.

Y/n’s hand came up to cup the side of his face, “I know. But if it means that I get to be with you, the one who was meant to be, then I don’t care.”

They both smiled at one another while they stared into one another’s eyes. Their bond was growing and blossoming into something like no other. They stood there for another couple of minutes before returning back to their work places, making a promise to one another to meet up when work was over.

                                     Four Years Later.

 Y/n watched Barry spar with Arthur in the bat cave as she remembered the time she and Clark had found one another. She still couldn’t believe they had been together for four years now. Clark hadn’t returned from the mission that he had left earlier in the day for but she knew he would be here shortly.

Over the past couple of years, she and the Justice League have gotten quite close; Bruce even had let her work down in the cave from time to time. When Alfred can’t help out with a mission, she’s the one that will stay back and speak to them through their ear pieces. She and Diana had gotten quite close since they were the only females. Arthur and Y/n were good friends; she was always there for him when he started to deeply miss Mera. Victor and Barry were another story; they were both young so she always made sure to watch out of them the most. But overall, everyone was happy as they could be.

Y/n turned away from the two men sparring and walked up to the kitchen to make something to eat. She said a quick hello to Diana as she passed her and went into the kitchen. Quickly she began to make herself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, her thoughts began to wonder over to Clark, and recently it seemed like that was happening more often, to the point where it was the only thing on her mind.

As she began to spread the peanut butter across the bread she felt strong arms wrap around her and warmth engulfed her. She leant back into him as she continued making her sandwich; she then began to make one for Clark knowing that he most likely was hungry after the mission. Clark pulled away so she could put everything away, he grabbed his sandwich watching her with love then she came walking back over and hopped onto the island in the middle of the room to sit.

They both ate their sandwiches together, Clark had his back leant against the counter across from her. Both were having their own private conversation while everyone else watched from the adjoined dining room. Y/n couldn’t hear what was being said but Clark did and she knew he was listening when his smile kept growing, he couldn’t help it though, not when they’re gushing about how adorable they are together or how lucky he was to have Y/n in his life and as a soulmate. Both of them stayed where they were for a little bit longer, laughing and chatting away.

Y/n hopped off the island, dusting off any crumbs that had gotten on her and went to go wash her hands and as she grabbed the towel, Clark repeated the same action. Once again Clark had his arms around her and leaned down to plant a small kiss against her lips, pulling away slightly as small smiles graced their lips, he then plants another kiss upon her lips.

They could hear awes coming though the kitchen, pulling away from one another as everyone walked in.

“You guys are so adorable,” Diana cooed out to you.

Y/n smiled as she looked down to the floor, slowly she began to become shy; she was always a private and shy person when it came to her love life or personal life in general. She and Clark tried to stray away from public affection when everyone was around. They didn’t want anyone to feel awkward or bad that they hadn’t found their soulmates yet. Everyone talked amongst themselves, all about different things from new video games to tactics for future missions.

Y/n watched as Clark talked with Bruce, his face became moody the more they talked between one another. But turned away when he caught her starring causing him to smirk her way, she began to get up and go stand by him when she saw that their talking was becoming heated. Y/n didn’t want any yelling or arguing, and with those two, it was bound to happen. She gently grabbed Clark’s hand beginning to pull him away, he looked down at her and she gave him a look that told him not to fight her. He let out a sigh before letting her pull him away from the conversation he was having with Bruce.

She said a quick goodbye to everyone as they laughed and once out of the kitchen, Clark’s hands were on her again and her laughter was filling the hallway. He began to tickle her while they walked upstairs and from the kitchen they could feel everyone’s eyes on them as they watched in admiration. Y/n then ran up the stair to get away from Clark as quickly as she could before he attacked her. But it was too late; he had already picked her up into his arms and began his attack of tickles.

Downstairs in the kitchen, everyone could hear their laughter. All of them couldn’t be any happier for the two and for the ones who still hadn’t found their soulmates; it gave them hope that they would have something similar to what you two had.

@dekahg

[lookatthisdork]

Setting the stage, filling the supporting roles

Happy New Year! I’m starting off 2018 with yet another attempt at writing because while I thoroughly enjoy me a good reblog and comic panel shitpost, I do dabble in fanfic. Once again, this is intended for the Bruce and Clark are brothers AU.

Martha had originally toyed with the idea of forging the documents necessary for a convincing second pregnancy (prenatal checkups, sonograms, birth certificate, etc), but she'd known from the get-go that that wasn't a practical avenue to explore. While Dr. Wayne spent the bulk of his days toiling away in the OR of Gotham General, far from the view of even the most driven of paparazzi, Dr. Kane split her time between Wayne Industries' R&D labs and its board room; she had meetings with staff, meetings with shareholders, meetings with city contractors, and of course, meetings with the press. Then there the socialite events, the charity dinners, the planned photo-ops. Unless she specifically arranged for privacy, there were always at least three camera lenses and a microphone pointed her way.

Granted, she usually didn't mind being in the public eye - not nearly as much as Thomas minded, the poor man. But all the attention did make pretending to have hidden a second pregnancy for a full nine months...challenging at best.

There had also been the option of faking a surrogacy - she certainly had the money, means, and potential motivation to hire and provide for a surrogate - but Thomas had put his foot down. He was willing to indulge in the subterfuge necessary to safeguard a very-young child from less scrupulous authorities, but her husband was a law-abiding citizen at heart. Making up a fictional woman's entire life history - social security number, work history, medical records, proof of residency, credit reports and all - was well and truly out of his comfort zone.

Martha could respect that. She definitely could have made it work, but she had backed down all the same.

In the end, they'd decided to "find" Clark. It hadn't been terribly hard to stage - Thomas had signed himself up for a conference on emerging stem cell research in Philadelphia, and Martha used the opportunity to make a proper "vacation" out of it, renting a cottage at the Delaware Water Gap for herself and Bruce to stay at while Thomas was away.

Once there, Martha had muddied up a cheap baby-carrier, dressed Clark in a chain-store onesie and diaper, and "stumbled" upon him on a walk through the woods. One 911 call later, the cottage was hosting multiple local police, FBI, and social workers with no one being any the wiser.

Finding an abandoned infant within the confines of a national park had turned into a media circus, of course. They'd had to hire extra security for both the manor and Wayne Industries in the short-term, lest they be completely overrun. Still, it was the easily-controllable media circus of an innocent mother-of-one and her toddler finding a child in need. Eventually everything died down when no leads were found. Predictably, no one came forward to claim Clark, and no one batted an eye when the Waynes applied for emergency custody.

Now, it was simply a matter of time until the "emergency" part of the deal passed and they could draw up more permanent custody papers. Martha figured three, maybe four months would have to pass until she could start vigorously pursuing that. Until then, there were plenty of other things to attend to. Setting up a second nursery, buying (yet more) baby clothes, sorting through Bruce's hand-me-downs, setting up trust funds, updating hers and Thomas's wills.

And the press. No one expected much news out of a four-month old (or the alien equivalent). Still, sculpting public opinion early was was just common sense. Thomas's family may enjoy Gotham's good will to a greater extent than her family did, but people could always be counted on to be fickle. Power - the ability to change things, for better or worse - fell to those with money and those with influence.

Between the two of them, Martha and Thomas had plenty of money and plenty of influence. And if Martha had anything to say about it, Bruce and Clark would be better off than the two of them.

(Especially Clark. She didn't like to dwell on the consequences of someone who couldn't be bribed or blackmailed discovering Clark's history. Better to make that potential pool of people as small as possible.)

Given that a three-year old and a newly-acquired baby would have to be involved in her PR event, Martha had gone with a family photoshoot. Firstly, it would demonstrate to anyone watching - authorities included - that she was wholly committed to involving Clark in Wayne events, same as Bruce. Secondly, it would give celebrity gossip rags something (ultimately insubstantial) to chew on, hopefully dissuading people form trying to sneak photos of the kids without permission. Thirdly, and most importantly, Martha wanted baby pictures and a photoshoot gave her an excuse to dress Thomas and the babies in matching outfits.

(Just because the photos would serve a practical purpose, didn't mean she couldn't enjoy the end result.)

"Marty, exactly how many costume changes are we planning?" Thomas asks, looking at the portable clothes racks next to the shoot as if they were about to bite him.

"Oh, about five or so," she says as she plucks the last of Bruce's next outfit from one of the racks. "Less, if Clark kicks up a fuss." From another rack, she grabs Clark's suit and lays it over her husband's arm.

Thomas, demonstrating just how much he loves dressing up, openly grimaces. Still, he heads over to the side-room where Alfred is giving Clark his bottle without comment.

Martha shakes her head a bit before turning to Bruce. The next series of photos is set to look like they're on a yacht; Bruce and Clark get matching blue-and-yellow sailor suits, Thomas gets the classic navy blue blazer with white pants, and Martha is already dressed in a white sundress with yellow embroidery at the hem.

It's easy enough to hold Bruce still long enough to finish tying his ascot; even when he's bored, her little boy is a fairly low-energy toddler. Prone to wandering away if left alone for any length of time, sure - he'd given a one-time babysitter a near-heart attack after he'd walked away and fallen asleep in an infrequently-used linen closet. But generally speaking, as long as you were paying attention, Bruce was perfectly content to stay put.

"Mommy," Bruce says, bouncing ever so slightly in his patent leather shoes. "I wanna hold Clark this time."

"He's a bit big for you, sweetheart," she says back. She straightens his shirt one last time, then leads him over to the seating set up in front of a drop of Gotham harbor.

The photographer, Jeanine (a consummate professional and regular hire for Wayne functions), takes the opportunity to discreetly adjust the lighting. Bruce spares her a glance before looking back. "I can hold him," he says. "Daddy said I could."

Martha hums a bit, tucking some errant hair behind his ear. "When did Daddy say this?"

"At dinner."

"That was yesterday, Bruce. Not today."

The expression on Bruce's face is a small copy of his father's scowl; it's hard not to find it cute. "But I wanna hold him today!" he exclaims.

"Indoor voice, Bruce." She's careful to keep her voice even, patient, but firm. It's the same tone she used on her brothers when she has to talk them down from an ill-fated decision. "You can hold him when the photographer leaves - if you behave - but not before."

She has to swallow a sigh at the way Bruce's pout deepens. Its easier to talk down her now-grown brothers than it is her small son, unsurprisingly, and Bruce has been more prone to tantrums ever since they'd brought Clark home. Alfred and Leslie assure her that it's all part of the acclimatization process - that Bruce will mellow out as the novelty of having a new baby in the house wears off. Martha certainly hopes they're right.

The two of them have a bit of a stare-off while Bruce decides whether or not he's going to start shouting. Fortunately, Thomas takes that moment to walk back in, Clark held up and away from his chest. "He spit up on his vest," he says by way of explanation. And yes, Clark has, in fact, dribbled drool and old milk all down his front - though he doesn't look any worse for wear, gurgling contentedly in his father's arms.

Bruce next to her lets out a loud "Ewwwww!", twisting so that her arm and some of her bulk is between him and the baby - clearly, his previous ire has been forgotten in lieu of avoiding getting any puke on him. Thomas, meanwhile, isn't quite smiling, but he does sound a touch too gleeful about this discovery. After all, they can't take pictures of Clark in a ruined vest, and one of the key points of this venture was to get pictures of the four of them. Ergo, baby puke means less time that Thomas has to spend in front of the camera.

"That's okay, Mr. Wayne," Jeanine pipes up from where's she's finished checking the last of the extra floodlights. "I brought two sets of everything for the boys, just in case."

"Oh...good. Thank you." Martha has to bite back giggles at her husband's expression as he goes to get Vest #2. Poor man, he thought he'd dodged a bullet there.

Turning back to her still-hiding son, Martha grins. "So Bruce, do you still want to hold your brother?"

"No!" he shrieks, curling further behind her. Ah, the fickleness of youth - and here he'd been not even a minute earlier, getting ready to throw a fit over Clark.

"It's only a little spit-up," Martha teases.

"Nooooo! Gross! Don't wanna!"

"Well then, I guess we'll just have to let Daddy hold Clark." She pulls Bruce into her lap, resting her chin on the top of his head. He struggles a moment to stay behind her before surrendering to her hold with a quiet huff. "Thomas," she calls across the room. "Quit stalling. You're not going to get out of this any faster."

"I wasn't stalling," he says as he comes back over and sits to her right. Clark, once in range, makes a grab for Bruce's sleeve, which Bruce dodges. ("Eww, Clark, no!") "I was just straightening out his vest. His new vest. Because Jeanine has two of everything."

"Of course, dear." She just smiles at the adult version of Bruce's pout. "Remember, smile for the camera. We still have four more shoots to go."

You should all be aware of the fact that in an earlier draft of this, Martha did fake the hired-a-surrogate-for-Clark thing. Ultimately, I decided that was unnecessarily convoluted, but Martha definitely could have pulled it off. Bruce has to get his sense of Drama from somewhere.

[thatsnotcanonpodcasts]

Esports, Green Lantern & Lego

Encounter! Roll initiative!

Not that it matters, talking is a free action and we'll talk your ears off.

Starting this week, Valve's integrity has been called into question over Esports. Yes mum, Esports are real sports.

The Flash needs to stop messing with the timeline. It's 2011 again, and Green Lantern is getting a TV series, written by one of the comic authors. And there's two lanterns, so the British are coming by sea. Oops. Barry. Stop. Paul Revere doesn't belong here.

But next take the time machine to the far future to find out how long it takes for Lego to break down, based on research done by recruiting beach combers to hand over all the lego they find. Surely this isn't just a scheme to get people to give you lego.

Professor played Noita, the Roguelite version of Powder Toy, and DJ chose to go to Japan in Total War: Shogun II.

Come hear us again next week.

Valve’s competitive integrity a threat to Esports

- https://www.ggrecon.com/articles/valve-s-attitude-towards-competitive-integrity-is-a-threat-to-esports.amp

Green Lantern TV series coming soon on HBO Max

            -https://comicbook.com/dc/news/green-lantern-hbo-max-geoff-johns-produce-new-series/

Legos may take hundreds of years to break down in the ocean

            -https://www.sciencenews.org/article/legos-may-take-hundreds-years-break-down-ocean

            - https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0269749119364152#!

Games Played

Professor

- Noita – https://store.steampowered.com/app/881100/Noita/

Rating: 5/5

DJ

– Total War : SHOGUN 2 - https://store.steampowered.com/app/201270/Total_War_SHOGUN_2/

Rating: 4/5

Other topics discussed

Retail shops ease toilet paper and other item restrictions

- https://www.abc.net.au/news/2020-04-28/coles-woolworths-ease-coronavirus-restrictions-on-toilet-paper/12194438

Coronavirus restrictions ease in Queensland

- https://www.abc.net.au/news/2020-04-29/coronavirus-australia-queensland-restrictions-easing-vaccine/12188622

Flash Gaming Boss' Statement on Disbandment: Match-fixing, GOTV Cheating, $0 Loan Fee, Initial Buyout and more.

- https://old.reddit.com/r/GlobalOffensive/comments/ac4nj2/flash_gaming_boss_statement_on_disbandment/

The International (Dota 2) (The International is an annual esportsworld championship tournament for the video game Dota 2, hosted and produced by the game's developer, Valve.)

- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_International_(Dota_2)

Geoff Johns (American comic book writer, screenwriter and film and television producer. Some of his most notable work has used the DC Comics characters Green Lantern, Aquaman,Flash and Superman.)

- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Geoff_Johns 

Stargirl (Courtney Elizabeth Whitmore, known as Stargirl (often called "Stars" or "Star"), is a fictional superhero created by Geoff Johns and Lee Moder who appears in American comic books published by DC Comics.)

- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Courtney_Whitmore

Stargirl TV Series (Stargirl is an upcoming American drama web television series created by Geoff Johns that will premiere on DC Universe.)

- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stargirl_(TV_series)

Gotham TV Series (Gotham is an American action crime drama television series developed by Bruno Heller, produced by Warner Bros. Television and based on characters published by DC Comics and appearing in the Batman franchise, primarily those of James Gordon and Bruce Wayne.)

- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gotham_(TV_series)

Titans 2018 TV Series (Titans is an American web television series created by Akiva Goldsman, Geoff Johns, and Greg Berlanti for DC Universe.)

- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Titans_(2018_TV_series)

The Flash 2014 TV Series (The Flash is an American superhero television series developed by Greg Berlanti,Andrew Kreisberg, and Geoff Johns, airing on The CW.)

- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Flash_(2014_TV_series)  

Crisis on Infinite Earths TV Crossover ("Crisis on Infinite Earths" is the sixth annual Arrowverse crossover event featuring episodes of the television series Supergirl, Batwoman, The Flash, Arrow, and Legends of Tomorrow on The CW. The Supergirl, Batwoman, and The Flash episodes aired in December 2019, and the Arrow and Legends of Tomorrow episodes aired in January 2020.)

- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crisis_on_Infinite_Earths_(Arrowverse)

Ezra Miller Flash cameo on Crisis on Infinite Earths

- https://www.ign.com/articles/crisis-on-infinite-earths-ezra-millers-flash-cameo-connects-dc-tv-and-movie-universes

Krypton TV Series (Krypton is an American television series developed by David S. Goyer for Syfy.)

- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Krypton_(TV_series)

Lego sustainable plastic plan combating the pollution

- https://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/sustainable-lego-plastic-plants-pollution-crisis-a8266256.html

Liero (video game for MS-DOS, first released by Finnish programmer Joosa Riekkinen in 1998.)

- https://www.liero.be/

Fortnite × Travis Scott FULL EVENT (Scott performed several virtual live shows in the video game Fortnite Battle Royale from April 23 to 25, 2020 based on songs from his Astroworld album.)

- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZpowQlrNt8

The Beatles (The Beatles were an English rock band formed in Liverpool in 1960.)

- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Beatles

Laibach – Sympathy for the Devil

- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7muCRio2nQ

Troubling Issues (TNC Podcast)

- https://thatsnotcanon.com/troublingissuespodcast

That’s Not COVID (TNC Podcast)

- https://thatsnotcanon.com/thatsnotcovidpodcast

Shout Outs

27 Febuary 2020 – Gene Dynarski, American away passed away at 77 - https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/gene-dynarski-dead-seinfeld-close-encounters-third-kind-actor-was-86-1291775

Gene Dynarski, a character actor who appeared in Steven Spielberg's Duel and Close Encounters of the Third Kind and played Izzy Mandelbaum Jr., the son of Lloyd Bridges' character, on Seinfeld. Dynarski was seen as Benedict, one of Egghead's (Vincent Price) henchmen, on Batman in 1966, and on a 2000th episode of The X-Files, his character fell victim to a monstrous bat creature. Dynarski also portrayed Josef Stalin in the 1996 videogame Command & Conquer: Red Alert appearing throughout much of the game's Soviet campaign and, to a lesser extent, the Allied campaign. He is one of 32 actors or actresses to have guest-starred in both the original Star Trek television series and in one of the series' spin offs such as Star Trek: The Next Generation. He died in Studio City, California. His death was not announced until the 24th of April of this year.

21 April 2020 – Jerry Bishop, ‘Judge Judy’ Announcer & Radio/Voice-Over Veteran passed away at 84 - https://deadline.com/2020/04/jerry-bishop-dead-judge-judy-announcer-los-angeles-radio-veteran-1202917454/

American announcer, radio host and radio personality. Bishop best known as the announcer for the American courtroom television show, Judge Judy, for 24 years from 1996 until 2020. Jerry Bishop simultaneously began working as a voice-over artist and announcer during the 1970s. He was the announcer for the television game show, The Cross-Wits, as well as the short-lived NBC variety series, Dick Clark's Live Wednesday, which aired briefly in 1978. Bishop began working as the off-camera announcer for the syndicated television courtroom show, Judge Judy, beginning with the series' debut season in 1996. He remained with Judge Judy for 24 years as the show became the highest rated series on daytime television. Bishop continued to work on Judge Judy until a few weeks before his death in 2020. “Jerry Bishop has been the voice of our program for 24 years,” star Judy Sheindlin said in a statement. “Everybody loved him. He had a golden heart and generous spirit. I adored him and will miss him.” He died from heart and kidney failure in Los Angles, California.

24 April 2020 - Fortnite Travis Scott event sees 12.3 million players in first show - https://www.gamesradar.com/au/fortnite-travis-scott-event-sees-123-million-players-in-first-show/

The Fortnite Travis Scott event, dubbed Astronomical, saw 12.3 million concurrent players take part, Epic has announced. Taking to Twitter, the Fortnite developer also revealed that this is an "all-time record" for the battle royale shooter. In the lead up to the event going live last night, Epic teased the "one of a kind musical journey" for quite some time, that debuted a new track. Scott isn't the first artist to make an appearance in Fortnite. Back in February 2019, DJ Marshmello put on a live concert performing a special Fortnite extended set. 

25 April 2020 - The Rolling Stones Versus The Beatles Debate Continues Into Its Sixth Decade - https://deadline.com/2020/04/this-week-in-music-rolling-stones-beatles-1202917836/

It’s an argument that dates back to the early 1960s, and sharply divides the world into two camps. The ancient rivalry seemed to resume this week, as Paul McCartney claimed The Beatles were bigger than The Rolling Stones. Mick Jagger responded Friday and pointed out that The Beatles were never a big touring band, unlike the stadium-filling Stones. ‘That’s the real big difference between these two bands. One band is unbelievably luckily still playing in stadiums and then the other band doesn’t exist.”

Remembrances

27 April 1989 - Kōnosuke Matsushita - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C5%8Dnosuke_Matsushita

Japanese industrialist who founded Panasonic, the largest Japanese consumer electronics company. One of Matsushita's best products was his invention of a more efficient battery-powered bicycle lamp. During the 1920s, bicycle lamps were candles or oil-burning lamps. They were highly inefficient as they usually only lasted for three hours. He created an oval lamp that used a battery for power and a lightbulb for illumination. He had to personally market his products to retail bicycle shops. Matsushita learned a very important lesson in terms of growing a company while he was trying to introduce his bicycle lamp to wholesalers. He realized that even if he had a product that was superior to anything out in the market it would not matter if he could not sell the product. As a result, Matsushita began devising ways to create sales channels for his products by concentrating less on manufacturing and more on building a sales force. Matsushita's products were originally marketed under the name brand of "National" and later moved on to the more recognizable names of Panasonic, Quasar and Technics. From 1950 to 1973, Matsushita's company became one of the world's largest manufacturers of electrical goods, sold under well-known trademarks including Panasonic and Technics. In retirement, Matsushita focused on developing and explaining his social and commercial philosophies and wrote 44 published books. One of his books, entitled “Developing A Road To Peace And Happiness Through Prosperity”, sold over four million copies. In 1979, at the age of 84, he founded the Matsushita School of Government and Management to train the future politicians and businessmen of Japan. He died from pneumonia at the age of 94 in Moriguchi, Osaka. He died with personal assets worth US$3 billion and left a company with US$42 billion in revenue business.

27 April 1992 - Gerard K. O'Neill - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gerard_K._O%27Neill

American physicist and space activist. As a faculty member of Princeton University, he invented a device called the particle storage ring for high-energy physics experiments. Later, he invented a magnetic launcher called the mass driver. In the 1970s, he developed a plan to build human settlements in outer space, including a space habitat design known as the O'Neill cylinder. He founded the Space Studies Institute, an organization devoted to funding research into space manufacturing and colonization. While teaching physics at Princeton, O'Neill became interested in the possibility that humans could survive and live in outer space. He researched and proposed a futuristic idea for human settlement in space, the O'Neill cylinder, in "The Colonization of Space", his first paper on the subject. He held a conference on space manufacturing at Princeton in 1975. Many who became post-Apollo-era space activists attended. O'Neill built his first mass driver prototype with professor Henry Kolm in 1976. He considered mass drivers critical for extracting the mineral resources of the Moon and asteroids. His award-winning book The High Frontier: Human Colonies in Space inspired a generation of space exploration advocates. He died from leukemia at the age of 65 in Redwood City, California.

27 April 2002 - George Alec Effinger - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Alec_Effinger

American science fiction author, His first novel, What Entropy Means to Me, was nominated for the Nebula Award. He achieved his greatest success with the trilogy of Marîd Audran novels set in a 22nd-century Middle East, with cybernetic implants and modules allowing individuals to change their personalities or bodies. The novels are in fact set in a thinly veiled version of the French Quarter of New Orleans. He made brief forays into writing comic books in the early 1970s, mostly in Marvel Comics' science fiction, fantasy, and horror titles; and again in the late 1980s, including the first issue of a series of his own creation entitled Neil and Buzz in Space & Time, about two fictional astronauts who travel to the edge of the universe to find it contains nothing but an ocean planet with a replica of a small New Jersey town on its only island. The first issue was the only issue, and the story ended on a cliff-hanger. He died from gastric ulcers caused an internal bleeding at the age of 55 in New Orleans, Louisiana.

Famous Birthdays

27 April 1932 - Casey Kasem - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Casey_Kasem

Kemal Amin "Casey" Kasem, American disc jockey, music historian, radio personality, actor and voice actor. He was notable for being the host of several music radio countdown programs, notably American Top 40 from 1970 until his retirement in 2009 and being the first actor to voice Norville "Shaggy" Rogers in the Scooby-Doo franchise from 1969 to 1997, and again from 2002 until 2009. Kasem co-founded the American Top 40 franchise in 1970, hosting it from its inception to 1988, and again from 1998 to 2004. As for his recognizable voice quality, "It's a natural quality of huskiness in the midrange of my voice that I call 'garbage,'" he stated to The New York Times. "It's not a clear-toned announcer's voice. It's more like the voice of the guy next door." He was born in Detroit, Michigan.

27 April 1963 - Russell T Davies - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russell_T_Davies

Stephen Russell Davies, better known as Russell T Davies, is a Welsh screenwriter and television producer whose works include Queer as Folk, Bob & Rose, The Second Coming, Casanova, the 2005 revival of the BBC One science fiction series Doctor Who, and the trilogy Cucumber, Tofu, and Banana. Davies revived and ran Doctor Who after a sixteen-year hiatus, with Christopher Eccleston, and later David Tennant, in the title role. Davies' tenure as executive producer of the show oversaw a surge in popularity which led to the production of two spin-off series, Torchwood and The Sarah Jane Adventures, and the revival of the Saturday prime-time dramas as a profitable venture for production companies. Davies was appointed Officer of the Order of the British Empire in 2008 for services to drama, which coincided with the announcement he would step down from Doctor Who as the show's executive producer with his final script, "The End of Time". Davies moved to Los Angeles, California in 2009, where he oversaw production of Torchwood: Miracle Day and the fifth and final series of The Sarah Jane Adventures. He was born in Swansea, Wales.

27 April 1986 – Jenna Coleman - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jenna_Coleman

Jenna-Louise Coleman, credited since 2013 as Jenna Coleman, is an English actress. She is known for her roles as Jasmine Thomas in the ITV soap opera Emmerdale,Clara Oswald in the BBC series Doctor Who, Queen Victoria in the ITV drama Victoria and Joanna Lindsay in the BBC series The Cry. Coleman went on to play "hard girl" Lindsay James in the BBC school-based drama series Waterloo Road, Susan Brown in a BBC Four television adaptation of the John Braine novel Room at the Top, Annie Desmond in Julian Fellowes' four part mini-series Titanic and Rosie in Stephen Poliakoff's original drama series Dancing on the Edge. In 2018, she portrayed the role of Joanna Lindsey in the BBC miniseries The Cry, for which she was nominated for Best Actress at the International Emmy Awards. Moffat chose her for the role as the Doctor’s companion because she worked the best alongside Smith and could talk faster than he could. She auditioned for the role in secret, under the pretense of auditioning for Men on Waves (an anagram for "Woman Seven": she would first appear in the show's seventh series). She was born in Blackpool,Lancashire.

Events of Interest

27 April 4977 B.C. – Universe is created, according to Kepler - https://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/universe-is-created-according-to-kepler

On April 27, 4977 B.C., the universe is created, according to German mathematician and astronomer Johannes Kepler, considered a founder of modern science. Kepler is best known for his theories explaining the motion of planets. In 1609, Kepler published the first two of his three laws of planetary motion, which held that planets move around the sun in ellipses, not circles (as had been widely believed up to that time), and that planets speed up as they approach the sun and slow down as they move away. In 1619, he produced his third law, which used mathematic principles to relate the time a planet takes to orbit the sun to the average distance of the planet from the sun. As for Kepler’s calculation about the universe’s birthday, scientists in the 20th century developed the Big Bang theory, which showed that his calculations were off by about 13.7 billion years.

27 April 1953 – Operation Moolah offers $50,000 to any pilot who defected with a fully mission-capable Mikoyan-Gurevich MiG-15 to South Korea. The first pilot was to receive $100,000. - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Operation_Moolah

Operation Moolah was a United States Air Force (USAF) effort during the Korean War to obtain through defection a fully capable Soviet MiG-15 jet fighter. Communist forces introduced the MiG-15 to Korea on November 1, 1950. USAF pilots reported that the performance of the MiG-15 was superior to all United Nations (U.N.) aircraft, including the USAF's newest plane, the F-86 Sabre. Speculation exists about the origin of Operation Moolah. According to then-Captain Alan Abner, the idea of the operation originated from his office at the Army's Psychological Warfare Branch, in Washington D.C.. According to intelligence reports they received, dissatisfaction within the Soviet Air Force, even to the extent of some desertions by disgruntled pilots, led to the belief that possible future defections by some pilots was promising. Their plan set forth an offer of $100,000 (worth nearly $941,000 in 2019) for a Soviet MiG-15 and political asylum for the pilot. On the night of April 26, 1953, two B-29 Superfortress bombers dropped 1.2 million leaflets over Communist bases in the Yalu River Basin. These leaflets were written in Russian, Chinese, and Korean. According to General Clark, immediately after the drop of the leaflets, U.N. aircraft did not make visual contact with any MiG aircraft for the following eight days. Though weather may have been a factor, he opines that the leaflets had a direct effect and believes that senior Communist military leaders began to screen for politically unreliable pilots. Incidentally, immediately after the leaflet drop, a radio-jamming transmitter whose location could not be identified began to jam all U.N. Russian-language broadcasts of Gen. Clark's MIG-15 offer, but Chinese and Korean broadcasts were unhindered.

27 April 2015 – Australiens played for audiences in attendance of the Studio 35 Cinema Comedy Film Festival. - https://www.scifihistory.net/april-27.html

Written and directed by Joe Bauer, and SciFi/Comedy feature starred Rita Artmann and Tamara McLaughlin, and here's the plot summary as provided by IMDB.com:

"At the age of 10, Australian-born Andi Gibson had what she describes as a close encounter with a flying saucer. Naturally, everyone assumed she was bonkers. That is until one notable evening, 17 years later, when an airborne extra-terrestrial armada launches a nation-wide assault on Andi's home country and at the same time, for unspecified reasons, kidnaps her mother. To add to the debacle, it seems the other nations of the world are far too insulted by their exclusion from the attack to come to Australia's aid. Now it is up to Andi, her hypochondriac brother Elliot, retired boxer cousin Keith and documentary filmmaker friend Cam to stop the attack and rescue Andi's mum. Enlisting the help of Andi's equal-parts mysterious and cringeworthy father, the gang must battle car-chasing spaceships, martial-arts aliens, giant killer robots and, perhaps most frighteningly, a deluge of family secrets in their fight to save Australia. Bloody hell, this is gonna be a long night."

Intro

Artist – Goblins from Mars

Song Title – Super Mario - Overworld Theme (GFM Trap Remix)

Song Link - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GNMe6kF0j0&index=4&list=PLHmTsVREU3Ar1AJWkimkl6Pux3R5PB-QJ

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[j-kaiwa]

Discussion Article Sept 5th

No self-respecting adult should buy comics or watch superhero movies

Another month, another superhero movie staggers to the silver screen, lurching under the weight of its own self-importance, groaning with the expectations of fans, and burdened with a nine-figure marketing budget. I am, of course, talking about Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, to give it its full, portentous title.

Can we all please grow up? Can we acknowledge that Marvel and DC have scraped right though the bottom of the barrel? Can we call time on superhero films? Films which are too dark for kids the comics were originally written for, yet too dumb for any thinking adult.

Way back in 1989, I quite liked the first modern Batman film – and yet now I curse it. When it was released, it was genuinely interesting and different. A superhero film with highbrow-ish director, a dark feel and adult themes. It was a huge success and I don’t begrudge it that. The trouble is it spawned the superhero-filled-multiplex-hell we currently live in.

So now, a quarter of a century later, having strip-mined the comic world down to the bedrock, we have the inevitable franchise crossovers. I’m sure the thinking that went into Bruce Wayne and Clarke Kent’s upcoming get-together was every bit as deep as “These are two really successful brands we’ve been milking for years and the audience is starting to notice that they’re a bit long in the tooth ... and, hey, it worked for Alien vs Predator”.

Of course most of the superhero films aren’t actually rubbish in the way that The Last Airbender or Gigli were crap. Many of them are nicely shot and use A-list actors. They often have talented directors. They even get decent reviews (although the same cannot be said for Batman V Superman). And yet, an hour after watching the latest iteration of Superman/Batman/Iron Man/The Flash/The Green Lantern, I can barely remember anything about it.

The trouble is the source material. In the case of Batman and Superman, this was originally written for ten-year-old boys. A man who can fly with lasers in his eyes. A man who dresses as a bat dispensing justice to bad guys. It’s fun but it’s fundamentally very silly stuff; it has pre-teen built into its DNA.

I know that the stock response to this is that there’s no reason you can’t use superheroes to examine dark, adult themes. No there is isn’t, but just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

Let’s use a food analogy. It’s like making hamburger out of Wagu beef mixed with foie gras and then serving it in a toasted brioche bun and topping it with artisan cheddar, oak-cured bacon and hand-brined pickles. Sure, the end result will be good but it will be kind of “stupid-good,” the ultimate expression of something quite dumb. A cassoulet made with far cheaper ingredients would be a better, more sophisticated and more satisfying dish by almost any yardstick.

In the 80s and 90s, people used to worry about “dumbing down”, where complex ideas in spheres like politics and literature were simplified in order to make them accessible to people who were unwilling or unable to deal with sophisticated thought (tellingly, the term originated in the film industry). These days, I’m more worried about dumbing up, where you take something that’s pretty stupid to begin with and then throw money and talent at it until it has a semblance of intelligence and sophistication.

Does this really matter? The answer is that it doesn’t if your dumbed-up burger is just another dish on the menu. But it does matter if your local French and Italian joints have been shut down and replaced by an entire street of huge dumbed-up burger restaurants. It matters if you live in a town where the only dish on the menu is dumbed-up burgers. Now, ask yourself how many superhero films your local cinema is currently playing.

Of course, I know there’s a business case for it. I understand that big franchise films come with built in branding. I get that, if you went to see Iron Man, you may well go and see Iron Man 2 all the way through to Iron Man 47. I know these films do well in increasingly important markets like China because they're easy to dub (a total lack of nuance helps). I recognise that big explosions and stunning, yet somehow entirely predictable, CGI are a kind of lingua franca for cinema audiences the world over who don’t want to think very hard.

In a way though, the cynical business case is the least of my gripes. Far more troubling is the widespread notion that somehow these films have something important to say. The thing is, like our dumbed up hamburger, they are limited, even crippled, by their form. God knows how many articles I’ve read saying, “Actually, Batman v Superman and Captain America: Civil War are about fascism and America’s love of authoritarianism.”

Well, maybe they are. But I can think of dozens of better ways to examine the slow erosion of democratic institutions than two guys in tights prattling on about the kind of hero America needs.

The obvious way is just better films. Films like Sicario and A Most Wanted Man which manage to say something interesting and thoughtful about the world in which which we live without recourse to bang-you-over-the-head expository dialogue set to music that tells you exactly how to feel  – and all for a tenth of the budget.

I’d also include South Park in this. Its 2015 skewering of Caitlyn Jenner was a thousand times more insightful than anything I’ve ever seen in a comic based film.

I know that suggesting that comic characters might be stupid upsets plenty of people. Well, sod it, in for a penny, in for a pound ... I used to read 2000AD as a kid and I quite liked its epic, six-month-long storylines. But then I turned 14. And comics stopped doing it for me. Yes, even graphic novels. Even The Dark Knight Returns. I put them all in a big trunk and it went up in the loft and there it stayed.

My parents deserve some of the blame for this. Dad was not a fan of comic books. His view was that the second you hit puberty, you put them behind you and started reading John Updike – and you damn well stuck at it until you liked it. And you know what? He was right. The travails of Rabbit Angstrom are better than any comic. They were better when I was 15 and they were a hell of a lot better by the time I was 25 – which is the median age of people who went to see The Avengers.

And yes, I know Persepolis started as a graphic novel – and very good it is too. But it’s an exception to the general rule that if you need to shave, you should be reading books where you have to make the pictures in your own head. You can say this intellectual snobbery if you like, but you only have to go a little way down this road before you find yourself arguing that V for Vendetta is the equal of Lolita – and I’m afraid my artistic relativism doesn’t stretch that far, even if yours does.

Of course, I can’t be reading all the time, so thank God for TV. While Hollywood seems content to feed us an endless conveyor belt of dumbed-up dirty burgers for the mind, TV outfits ranging from Netflix to Channel 4 have recognised that there’s a market for drama that doesn’t involve men in capes. Series like The Wire, Breaking Bad, Narcos and Deutschland 83 are the real heirs to all those great films from the 1970s like Taxi Driver and Apocalypse Now. They’re the popular culture people will remember in 30 years time, not some crossover film that started life as an Excel spreadsheet at a LA branding consultancy.

As for Superman v Batman, I’m sure I’ll watch it on a plane sometime in the next 12 months. Probably one of those really long flights to Asia.