#bpd spirals are so stupid

[kttykssbpd]

nothing has ever kissed my skin as gently and as softly as my blade when i feel i am alone and rotten

[dysfunctionaldogdude]

I feel like actually shit like the entirety of last week getting to me. I wish I could have a moment of actual relaxation and not just me forgetting I have shit to do.

(Tag warning-> depressing talk, dark topics)

Might delete this idk..

[pawsandreflect]

can’t shut up the “too much/not enough” in my head but i can force myself to stand in the sunlight for 5 mins and absorb it like a plant and pretend it’ll fix me. the quacken is great for forcing me outside. he loves to spend quality time in the sunshine and sniffing around all the plants and flushing lizards out of hiding. the mockingbirds singing is nice, too. quarry is loud today, though, which is less nice and naturey. it’s like my thoughts breaking through from the outside - sharp, clanging, crashing through the peace.

[borderline-culture-is]

BPD culture is…

Why am I so stupid?

Why did I ever believe they would love me?

Nobody ever loves me…

Everyone leaves in the end.

I ask if I’m being too needy, too clingy too annoying…

“No! I like it! It makes me feel wanted!”

They say over and over and over again…

But then without fail

Every single time

“God you’re SO annoying! You’re SO clingy! you’re too needy!”

And they leave

Again and again and again

When will I protect myself from this spiral.

.

[seireitonin]

Two sides of the same coin: Toby and Nina

(Wrote this to show there is overlap and similarities and differences as well, between BPD and ASPD and while they are disorders it doesn’t mean that people in the cluster B personality type can’t love and improve as people to be in healthy relationships. We’re not evil. We are flawed. Based Nina off my own BPD experience and Toby I did a lot of research on ASPD and tried to write it as accurately and respectfully as possible. If I did something wrong please lmk)

Toby and Nina an are the same, yet different. Toby has ASPD. Nina has BPD. Their overlap and differences make each other feel understood, but at times isolated. Toby is impulsive and so is Nina. Toby is impulsive in the sense that he doesn’t care about his own safety and does what he wants when he wants if he sees fit. Nina’s impulses come from wanting instant gratification and pleasure in the moment. The two of them overlap with each other often. Both participate in impulsive, self destructive drug use on occasion, one not caring about his wellbeing and the other not caring about the consequences. Just the current moment of joy that she knows will pass because she’s always empty. Both experience emotional irregularities. More overlap presenting itself in different ways. Toby presents his emotions as if he’s better than Nina sometimes. Sometimes he says stuff that’s hurtful, especially when he’s intensely upset. Nina’s emotions can result in random outbursts of anger especially if she thinks Toby is trying to abandon her. Sometimes she says stuff she doesn’t mean too. They don’t mean to hurt each other, but unfortunately sometimes they do. Toby has become Nina’s everything. Her favorite person. The thought of Toby abandoning her or not loving her like she loves him sometimes makes her spiral. Toby sometimes comes across like he doesn’t care or is indifferent to her. But that’s not true. He loves her and has put in the work and effort to love her. He just has trouble expressing it sometimes. Nina feels intense emotions and sometimes can’t express them properly either, sometimes she comes off as clingy and obsessive, but she’s hurting and scared of being abandoned or not valued. Not only because she gets so overwhelmed, but sees the world in black and white and can’t describe everything she’s feeling. They had a screaming match once and only once. When they flow they flow. When they clash, they clash. Toby was so frustrated that Nina thinks he doesn’t love her. Like she’s invalidating his efforts. Nina was frustrated that he wasn’t taking him being her favorite person seriously. Like he saw her as a burden. “Why can’t you see I’m trying,Nina?! I’m doing my best and you just don’t care!” “No you don’t care! You see me as a burden don’t you?! You don’t really love me! You’re using me like Jeff!” “Don’t you ever compare me to him! I love you! You’re just too fucking stupid to see it!” Her eyes widened and tears streamed down her face. Toby didn’t understand at first. Why was she upset by that? She was being stupid. He loves her. “You….think…I’m…stupid?” Nina just ran away and locked herself in the bedroom, spiraling and splitting. “He hates me. He never loved me. I’m worthless. No one will ever love me.” That’s all that played through her head. Toby picks the lock and sits on the bed facing away from her. “I didn’t mean it like that. Okay? You’re not a burden to me.” He didn’t mean to hurt her but he did. Nina hated him right now. He went from angel to monster. “Don’t give up on me okay? I’ll never give up on you, Nina. I’m….sorry” It took him a while to understand how and why what he said hurt her. But he took accountability for what he said. A long way from the person he was before. “Don’t leave me Toby. I need you” Nina whimpered out. “I dont want to, moody girl” He holds out his hand so she could play with his fingers for comfort. She does just that. They’re not perfect. They both come from pasts of hurt and heartbreak. But the last thing they’ll do is take it out on each other. They will always try to be better for each other and themselves.

[justflesh54]

BPD VENT

bpd life - i had a breakdown this morning because my bf woke up with a headache and was REALLY REALLY moody and off and it triggered me to fuck i couldn't function i just hid and cried every time i tried to interact i got the bare minimum which made me spiral further trying to harm despite not having the privacy or facilities to at the time, pacing round crying smashing my skull into the wall just wanting to end it all.... later he apologized for being moody and was all happy and cuddly and flirty with me and i felt euphoric like life was eternal bliss and i was so stupid to ever think it was shit and that i should cut myself or die... later on he dismisses my needs and suddenly the world is crumbling again I'm a piece of shit who no one loves no one misses and that everyone would be better if i just killed myself...... and its a never ending cycle its exhausting i love him but i wish my emotions weren't dependent on his... i wish i was healthy

[seraphicalsuccubus]

probably should've thought about those necessities before spending money on shitty nipple tattoos and adopting animals.

you do know I haven’t gotten tattooed in almost two years, aside from my frog tattoo and my neck tattoo last year that were paid for by someone else, and I’ve had my cats for almost 5 years, 3 years, and 3 months, respectively, right?

also, I got my nipple tattoos done like 7-8 years ago. and they’re not shitty, you just obviously don’t know decent art when you see it lmfao. you’re probably covered in stick and poke bullshit because you can’t afford a real artist, or you’re too much of a pussy to have any tattoos at all. sorry, but I’m not boring like you lmao. and as an artist myself, I don’t give a fuck about what someone that’s never going to even get the privilege of seeing my tits in person thinks about the tattoos on them because I obviously didn’t get my tattoos to appeal to some idiot on the internet, like, please lmfao. you think your opinion matters? like. are you even real? you’ve got no face babe. no face = no valid opinion. say it with your chest if you want to be taken seriously.

and, you’re dense as fuck and downright fucking stupid if you think I’ve been blowing money on stupid shit when literally everything I get goes into my cats first, and then me. my animals are always my priority. so you also can’t say shit about me not taking care of my cats, I literally neglect myself to make sure they’re set with everything they need and put myself second. and I have chosen to do this since I brought my animals into my home.

also, you act like I’m on here begging for money every day for the 14 years I’ve been on this site when this is the ONLY fucking instance I’ve ever asked for help with because I was in a really toxic and abusive living situation for the last year that I just managed to get out of and had to leave 98% of my shit behind because I wanted to slip out while they were at work and wouldn’t notice I was gone for several days. I literally tough out all my shit on my own but I actually could not this time because I had to fucking move to a safer, less hostile environment for mine and my cats sake and take as little with me as possible. I don’t ever fucking ask for help, so when I do, my situation is dire. so get fucked for assuming I’m just being stupid and irresponsible and frivolously blowing money on unnecessary shit when I was literally being drained dry by my roommates who WERE the financially irresponsible cunts and kept asking me for money which is why I asked for help on here once I got out of there because I had absolutely nothing after being used as a personal, live-in ATM for those fucking people.

so like, maybe you should’ve thought about how you know literally nothing about my life whatsoever before sending this considering I’m not very open on here about my actual life, y’all only see a tiny, very specifically curated part of my life that I share here sparingly because my life is a constant fucking crisis after crisis and I’ve been stuck in a spiral of despair since last year and I am in such a constant state of stress that I get a migraine when I try to relax. my mental health has tanked significantly from where it was before I moved in with those people. but none of y’all see that. none of y’all see the nightly bipolar episodes and BPD meltdowns that keep me up so long I don’t sleep for several days until I crash, or my hours long panic attacks that lead to blackouts if I get worked up enough, or my debilitating chronic migraines, or the fact that I don’t eat for almost a week or more at a time because I’ve had a fucking eating disorder since I was 12 that I was offered help for but I’m afraid to seek out that help because it means addressing that problem, and I’m so averse to food lately that I can’t find anything I even want to eat anyways, or the chronic pain my body is constantly fighting because of my fibromyalgia and arthritis (which I have to worry about becoming rheumatoid arthritis because the last 6 generations of women on my dad’s side have developed that and each generation they developed it younger and younger), and now I have to worry about potentially having lupus because that runs in my family too, apparently, and two of my aunts fucking have it. but yeah, my fucking bad for trusting someone I called my best friend for the past nearly 10 years that ended up taking advantage of me and ruining my fucking life, right? yeah, I’m such a horrible, irresponsible person for that and don’t deserve any help whatsoever with getting away from that situation. clearly I’m just a waste of a human being because I let someone I cared for deeply and loved like family walk all over me because all I wanted to do was help her and make her happy.

but go ahead and keep assuming that you know sooooo much about me when I didn’t even know you existed until you sent this.

like. are you happy? does it make you feel good to try and tear other people down, people you know absolutely nothing about, all because you’re just a miserable cunt and want everyone else to be miserable, too? what a sad life you live. could never be me.

[l0sercat]

TW: Can you make a spider noir x goth coquette reader? And where the read struggles with a ED/paranoia and maybe SH/thoughts of it. And maybe put in there they have bpd/other mental disorders that cause the thoughts for it….that’s all I got off the top of my head but you can add other stuff if you want I just want comfort angst based off what I’m going through rn

If you need help or someone to talk to I'm here :)

Also TW!! To people who won't be able to handle topics like these don't read and if you do I'm not responsible for anything.

Spiderman Noir x goth! reader

Peter watched as you giddily put on your outfit. Your clothes were different from what he knew it that's what he loved about you. You didn't fit in the social norms and had your own sense of style. He found your outfits to be gorgeous and loved seeing you dressed up.

He planned on taking you to a nice restaurant. There was no reason he just wanted to take you somewhere nice. He wanted to see you smile. When you were finished with getting all dolled up he grabbed you by your waist and pulled you in close.

"You always look so good all dolled up" he said and eyes you up and down slowly to take in everything. You smiled and lightly shoved his shoulder "So I don't look nice when I'm not dressed up?" You teasingly said which clearly made him choke and fumble over his words. "That's not what I meant you always look nice I just love when you put on your gothic outfits" you giggle and roll your eyes and place a kiss on his cheek. "Let's for we don't wanna be late for our reservation"

-----

You both sat at the table and conversed in conversation. Everything was lively and light and you felt good. Then when you got your food everything crashed and spiraled for you. You felt eyes on you everywhere it felt like everyone was watching you eat. Deep down you knew it wasn't true but the thoughts clouded your mind.

You took and bite of your food and you were visibly tense and your hands were clammy. You felt like throwing up the pressure you felt was heavy. The stares felt like heavy weights on your back. You covered your mouth and nervously looked around. No one was looking at you but the stares didn't go away. Peter noticed something was up and looked at you with worry. "Are you okay?" He asked

Your head snapped at him and you nervously fidgeted. "Y-yeah I just uh" you swallowed nervously and fidgeted uncomfortably "I'm gonna use the bathroom.." you said an stood up and walked away. You brought your arms to your chest and picked up your pace. People looked at you with harsh stares and disgust. You felt like crying and you practically slammed the door to the bathroom open. You rushed into a stall and let tears slide down your cheeks.

You brought your fists to your head and started to punch your self. "Stupid stupid stupid..." You mumbled and let out a choked sob. You felt overwhelmed and you couldn't process anything. Your vision blurred and your thoughts raced. Why were you crying? You had nothing to be upset about no one was watching you. But Peter was... he probably thinks your fat. You did order a lot and compared to him your a log while he's a stick. Yeah.. he's probably judging you probably grossed out. Before you could process it your fingers were shoved down your throat, making you gag and your dinner came hurling out.

You saw the vomit sitting in the toilet and you grew disgusted with yourself. You hated yourself for doing this but at the same time it's the only way for you not the be fat. Your fingers found there way into you that again and you threw up more vomit. And you repeated it again and again until you felt like passing out. You couldn't produce anymore tears and the old ones dried up. You slowly blinked and looked down at your pathetic form. You felt sorry for yourself, your fingers wet and sticky, your throat sore and stomach aching. Your limbs felt numb and you adverted your eyes to the wrists. They were decently healed, in he past you cut and scratched yourself but Peter helped you. He was by your side and supported you and got you help. You felt like crying again just thinking about Peter. Your slowly got up and flushed the toilet. You went to the sink and washed your hands. You looked in the mirror and saw the mess that was yourself. Your makeup was ruined and running down your face and your hair was a little messed up.

You walked out walking slowly because your legs felt like the could give out any minute. Your vision was a bit blurry and it felt like everything was spinning. You made it to the table and Peter took one look at you and was worried sick. "What happened and you alright?" He asked his vice full of panic and you looked at him with a blank look. You fell in his arms "Can we leave please?" You said in a cracked voice "Yeah of course..." he mumbled and held you. He grabbed your waist and lead you out of the restaurant.

He picked you up in his arms and and whispered little words of affirmation to you. You cling to him and just closed your eyes listening to his voice. He rushed to your little shared apartment.

He placed you on the bed and laid next you. "What's wrong? Why did you cry? Are you okay?" He asked. You slowly turned towards him and curled into a ball next to him. "I- I'm having these thoughts again...I you don't think I'm fat right? You think my bodyweight is normal and-" you whispered and cut yourself before you broke down again. Peters eyes widen and he held you in his arms. "No I don't think your fat your perfect the way you are and it's okay if your having thoughts again, I'll always be by your side. I'll never leave you I promise, I'm going to take care of you" he said

You tightened your grip on his vest and buried your face in his chest. You let your tears fall free again and he felt his best getting soaked but he didn't care. He held you firm against him and whispered sweet nothings in your ear to try to comfort you. Peter rubbed your back with one hand gently and kissed the top of your head. "It's gonna be alright I promise"

[rweoutofthewoods]

hey there, sorry to bother you. i just finished reading ppp and you said in a chapter’s notes that you have bpd yourself, and you wrote james’s experiences based on yours. i just wanted to ask, and you really don’t have to answer if you don’t want to — how much does james’s character relate to real life? like, how much does it relate to a real life person? (i don’t know if i got the message across)

i got told by a doctor that i display bpd symptoms myself, but this was several years ago and eventually the diagnosis turned out to be something else. after i realised i relate to james’s character a little too much, i started to wonder if maybe that doctor those years ago was on to something. so, this is my first step i guess.

thank you for what you wrote, anyway.

Hi!! So sorry if I’m misunderstanding but I think what you’re asking is how accurate is James’ character as a portrayal of a real life someone with BPD?

Yes I do indeed have BPD, ppp James touches on a lot of the experience BUT it’s not perfect. The main aspect of BPD I kind of focused on is something that I have heard a lot of other people describe too. The feeling of emptiness and like there’s just some black pit inside of you, trying to consume you. That’s just one aspect, and my biggest regret in writing pathological people pleaser is that I didn’t capture some of the obsessive and relationship aspects. That’s why I really want to write more BPD James actually, because I want to represent the like hyper awareness in every relationship that happens. I want to write a scene where reg texts James back weirdly or says something and James thinks his tone is a little off and he just spirals and loses his mind only to come to later and be like… oops that was a little dramatic wtf.

There’s also a lot of other experiences like the impulsivity that I touched on a bit but not quite enough. Like the way you can convince yourself during an episode that your narrative is 100% correct and your feelings are how you’ll always feel only to snap out of and be like damn what the fuck was I thinking 😭 (usually AFTER doing something stupid and impulsive). BPD really does not stop until ur in treatment and working hard, and I don’t think people quite understand it unless you’ve lived it. EVEN I have made decisions IN FANDOM (😭) like impulsively taking all my fics down during an episode and after, I did have people be like yo what was that?? and the truth is you have no proper explanation because during the time it 10000% feels like this is what I NEED to do. This is the right decision I’ll never feel okay again or change my mind. Then oops, the episode ends and you’re like haha WHAT WAS THAT 😀

So I hope that helps paint a picture of what BPD is actually like and some of the gaps James’ character does have in properly representing BPD. It is only my own experience of it, and I’m not really the violent aggressive kind of BPD, it usually turns inwards (aside from some pretty awful road rage, ngl that’s when the anger episodes rlly comes out and that’s EMBARRASSING) so it is very influenced by my own lived experiences and I can’t speak on how anyone else experiences BPD. If you’re wondering about yourself I implore you to talk to a medical professional!! Even if you don’t have it, it doesn’t hurt to find out for sure. Wishing you luck and lots of love 🫶

[heartshattering]

/// venting, past SA mention

Stress is wrecking my sleep again, I really wish I could just feel okay but there's always so much spinning around in my mind. The problems I'm going through with my friend are hitting me harder than I thought, like I had all these annoyances bubbling inside of me and it's only now that she's gotten even more irritating that they're finally starting to surface and I'm questioning why we even stay friends. We don't have any common interests anymore, she's rude all the time and says things that are discouraging or flat-out dismissive.

If I open up to her about issues specifically related to one of my disorders, she'll be like "People without ADHD go through that too, it's not your ADHD causing that issue! :)" or "Oh I do the same thing and I don't have BPD! *proceeds to tell me about an incredibly mild form of mirroring she does which isn't nearly as severe as what I literally just described to her*".

It's been years already but I hate that she told the person who SA'd me after rejecting them that maybe I would "change my mind" about them and date them in the future. Told me I should have given them another chance. And didn't stick up for me at all during a conversation with them where they were putting me down and saying things like I was wrong and immature for not forgiving them and that I'm going to be alone forever.

This guy (not her current bf but one she was interested in for a while) used to call me crazy and a liar for being mentally ill and she always sided with him too. And there's been other examples too, the only time she sides with me is when I'm talking about my mom but in pretty much every other instance she takes the other person's side and acts like I'm just mean/crazy/unforgiving or whatever.

She's weird about my ethnicity too like asking me "Why don't you put biracial on forms?" or "Why don't you identify with your dad's background?" when I literally haven't been in my dad's hometown since I was a kid/don't have contact with anyone on that side of the family except him.

She flat-out told me "Your life is never going to get any better" (lol) and tries to pressure me all the time even knowing how difficult my life situation is and how it's unrealistic for me to pull some stupid stunt like running away from home or calling the police on my parents and all the other "advice" she gives me while knowing that would just make things worse and send me into a breakdown/spiral (which has happened before). But everyone loves to see drama break out I suppose so this would just be another "show" for her, it's just like when I was in that shitty support group where this lady tried to get me to check into a homeless shelter as a way to hide from my aunt and my mom.

Honestly I'm just so sick of dealing with her. I feel bad because she's done really kind and thoughtful things for me before, it just feels like the bad things are what are at the forefront of my mind right now. But I feel like I've been way too lenient when it comes to some of her comments and behavior towards me, most recently this new bullshit where she wants to use me for money and keeps saying things like "I'd understand if you were poor but I know you can pay for it" and thinking that just because I did one nice/expensive thing for her, now I have to do similar things all the time.

[geesbpdjournal]

Losing my Shit Post

(come on, that was funny right?)

VENT POST

CW: negative self talk, bpd spiral, mild body horror(??), extreme language, substance use, etc.

proceed at your own caution!!!

currently in a really dark spot and feeling like i’m destined to be abandoned by everyone who ever gets close to me simply because i feel like a bad partner. a couple days ago my partner and i has a conversation where, in the midst of other conversation, he told me that my splits were exhausting him. at the time, that really hurt me and i spent the next probably ten minutes reminding him how difficult BPD is for ME and he reminded me that just because i feel hurt doesn’t mean that he can’t feel hurt too, and that sometimes when i split on him consistently over the course of a few days or even when i get stuck in a bad bad place where i split for a few days and get irritable he can feel exhausted and he just wanted me to listen and now it’s all i can think about because he’s RIGHT. and here i am having a fucking meltdown because i didn’t talk to him enough today????

being long distance so does not fucking work for me i just want to curl up in his arms. i’m doing everything i can to not text him repeatedly to beg him not to leave me and to call him and ask him if he still loves me just to make sure but logically i know i should just text him in the morning to ask for reassurance. so now i’m here typing this out while i’m high off my ass just so i can restrain myself.

i honestly feel like tearing my hear out of my head and crawling out of my skin!!!!! i feel so fucking gross and small and angry and at the same time i’m so scared because i know that me being like this is gonna drive him away. he’s so loving and caring and i have to go and fuck everything up like i always fucking do but i just fucking want his attention back fuck.

honestly the fact that he can go for most of the day without talking to me and then be late (by all of 5 minutes honestly so it should just be fine) to date night over facetime has me tweaking because i feel like he doesn’t care about me as much as i do him. my chest feels tight and i feel like i’m gonna throw up at any moment. this sadness perpetrates my whole being and i know in the morning i’ll see that this is stupid but shitfuck i am struggling.

anyways. if anyone has advice on how to be normal please send my way i’m literally losing it right now!!! 🥳🕺

[tsukishimasbaby]

What my OCs are like as regressors!!!

This is mainly for one of my friends. This isn’t all of my OCs, but the main ones I use and have developed. TW for cussing and mentions of trauma. :]

Theodosia Collymor:

-Bottles that shit up most of the time. If she isn’t like on the verge of a breakdown and NEEDS to regress, then she’ll try to just push it away.

-It’s usually involuntary. Triggered by PTSD episodes or just generally strong emotions; including positive ones. Talk about the regency era or classical Greece with her for too long and she’ll get so excited she’ll start regressing. And she gets really, REALLY embarrassed because of it.

-Not very clingy, can take care of herself (usually) if needed. Regresses to around 5-6.

-Is usually the one to breakup arguments between Floraline and Zaria whenever they have play dates together. Floraline and Zaria love each other but they argue every five seconds when they’re regressed about the smallest things. Theodosia reality checks them and will straight up go “guys this is really stupid can we go back to roleplaying like we’re in the Trojan war now please” and it works!

-To preoccupy herself when she’s little, she’ll practice setting. She’ll throw a volleyball at a wall back and forth and practice setting it.

-Gets especially shy around Jason if she ever regresses around him. And later on, post-ToA, when Floraline moves into the Waystation with Leo, develops a crush on Lityerses and gets shy around him too. Floraline and Theodosia have play dates at the Waystation whenever Theodosia comes to visit, so she sees him quite a bit. It’s always embarrassing for her.

Floraline Sampson:

-Very curious about everything! Very hands on, likes to go into the forest and touch everything she sees. Which has lead to some unfortunate incidents, including various scratches and rashes. Which always leads to tears.

-Sensitive, especially to pain. She gets any type of scratch or anything like that and she’ll start bawling her eyes out. Zaria told her to suck it up one time and Flora pushed her. Which lead to more crying from both parties. Theodosia got overwhelmed and also ended up crying because she didn’t know what to do.

-Regresses to about three to four usually. But can be much younger. If she’s really stressed, she can go as little as one.

-Gets shy around Leo most of the time. Will shyly hand him flowers and pictures she drew before running away.

-When Frank and Hazel were her caregivers, she would always get piggyback rides from Frank, and Hazel would braid her hair.

-Very unintentionally messy and feels bad about it. Will get dirt on new clothes and start crying because of it.

-EXTREMELY clingy and reliant, requires constant supervision when she’s little. If she’s alone, she starts spiraling really bad because of her BPD. HATES being alone with a passion. Refuses to go anywhere without Leo.

-The type of kid to get upset when other kids don’t wanna share. She’ll be like “you can play with my dolls!!” and when someone says they don’t want to she’ll go “what… 😠”

-Gets distracted by anything and everything. She loves going outside and her and Leo could be on a hike or something and she’d run off the trail because she saw a pretty butterfly.

-She spends a lot of time and energy outside so as soon as she gets back inside, she usually crashes. She is DONE.

Zaria Asghar:

-Before she got with Percy and Annabeth, when she regressed, she’d just run off into the wilderness. Like she’d be gone for hours at a time and would tell no one.

-Now, she drags them with her. Or at least one of them with her. Will pick up random animals and show them to Percy and Annabeth.

-Type of kid to pick up a random snake and be confused when other kids are freaked out.

-Her age regression is both voluntary AND involuntary. She does it when she’s bored. But it can also be triggered by extreme stress.

-Likes to take Floraline and Theodosia into the woods. Sometimes forgets that they’re not immune to poisonous plants like her. Once ate an extremely toxic mushroom in front of Floraline, and Floraline almost did the same before Theodosia stopped her. (I feel like these two would NOT be alive without Theodosia…)

-Gets scratches and bruises ALL the time. Doesn’t pay attention to her surroundings. But she does not give a fuck. She could be bleeding from multiple wounds at the same time and wouldn’t realize as long as she’s having fun.

-Annabeth has to disinfect a bunch of cuts every time they go outside.

-CLINGY!!! But not in the dependent way, just really likes affection. Will constantly make grabby hands at Percy for him to pick her up, and will randomly come up to Annabeth and hug her.

-Age range varies quite a bit. Usually around four, but can be six. Also can be like two. It seriously just depends on the day and her mood, so Annabeth and Percy ask how old she’s feeling every time. It’s usually around four, though.

-Her and Floraline have beef when they’re little for some reason. Not like serious beef they’re still best friends but. Floraline is super sensitive and they often have to end their play dates because Floraline got hurt and won’t stop crying and doesn’t wanna play anymore. And Zaria will be like “OMG SUCK IT UP IT IS NOT THAT SERIOUS SHHHH”

-Ball of energy. Climbs trees, does random cartwheels, HEAVILY fucks with playgrounds. ESPECIALLY enjoys playing “tag” with Celery (her pet lion). And tag with them is just Celery chasing and jumping on Zaria over and over again. He doesn’t fully tackle her because when he’s older, that would hurt her, so he gently just puts his paws on her stomach when he catches her.

Esmarie Sidney:

-She is a HANDFUL. Very sensitive. Doesn’t like getting dirty or playing outside. Requires constant attention or else she’ll throw a tantrum, but pretends she’s independent. The type to go “no! I can do it myself!” when asked if she needs help…and then ends up throwing a tantrum because she DOES need help.

-Usually regresses to about five years old. Also ashamed of her age regression because the Aphrodite cabin is kinda mean and taught her that she should be ashamed of it.

-Likes playing dress up. Like a lot. Sit there and let her put on a “fashion show” for you and she’ll be over the moon.

-BOSSY. Gets MAD if you’re not doing something right and often gets in trouble for her attitude. Has made other littles cry before. Especially Floraline and Belamira.

-Doesn’t have a set caregiver, but Theodosia takes care of her a lot. Theodosia can handle tantrums and is understanding.

-Pretty affectionate, but at random times. She’ll randomly come up to Theodosia and give her a big hug, but if Theodosia tries to hug her while she’s doing something else, she’ll pout and tell her to let go.

-Gets upset when Theodosia tells her she isn’t allowed to listen to Ayesha Erotica when she’s little. It’s a reasonable rule and she understands that it’s reasonable but she’ll throw a mini-fit anyway.

-Age regression is involuntary, and is usually triggered whenever her gender dysphoria gets worse. She’ll be looking in the mirror one moment and the next she’ll be bawling her eyes out wishing she was born a girl.

-Usually has play dates with Belamira, because Floraline is off with Leo doing her own thing, and she doesn’t know Zaria too well, despite being in a friend group with her.

-French accent gets worse when she’s little. Sometimes she’ll get so stressed, she’ll forget English and will just be bawling her eyes out and babbling in French. 😭

Belamira Marques:

-Shy. Very shy. And embarrassed. Constantly thinking about what other people think of her, but is trying to get over it.

-The only person she feels truly safe around is Grover. She does not want a babysitter. If Grover isn’t available and she’s regressed, she’d rather be by herself in her cabin than let someone else take care of her. She has bad paranoia and just doesn’t trust anybody else like that. Her age regression is very special and vulnerable to her, and she only wants Grover to take care of her when she’s like that.

-The littlest things make her embarrassed. She could trip and fall and would nearly die of embarrassment. Especially if it’s in front of Grover.

-Would do literally anything to make Grover proud of her. CONSTANTLY searching for his approval and praise.

-Very calm but simultaneously excited little??? Like she gets excited to show her caregiver stuff but isn’t prone to tantrums or outbursts. Can be told no without really getting upset.

-Clingy and affectionate, especially in public. Holds onto Grover for comfort a lot. And when she’s playing with Esmarie or Floraline or Zaria or really anybody, she needs Grover to be with her at all times or else she’ll get too anxious and want to leave. It’s not that she doesn’t trust her friends. She just has bad separation anxiety.

-Thinks about her grandmas strawberry farm back in Brazil a lot. She’s only been there a few times but she has a lot of her best childhood memories there and wants to go back. Just generally wants to go back to Brazil one day, even if it’s just to visit for a while.

-If she thinks about the fact that she’s a demigod and all the bullshit that comes with it for too long, she’ll start spiraling. Again, she has bad paranoia, and because of the fact she’s survived two wars, she’s almost constantly afraid that she’s in danger or her friends are in danger. Immediately assumes the worse whenever someone Iris-messages her.

Sione Fuamatu:

-Age regression is VERY involuntary, she does her absolute best to shove that shit away. Is extremely embarrassed and ashamed of it and is TERRIFIED of Octavian finding out.

-Doesn’t have any toys or little gear. When she’s little, it’s never a pleasant experience. She’ll sit in bed and bawl her eyes out until she eventually cries herself to sleep.

-She regresses VERY little, and it makes it SOOO much worse. It ranges, but it’s always very little. Around 0-3. Locks herself in her room when she’s regressed.

-She was adultified at a VERY young age. She was told that she was going to be put in an arranged marriage when she was VERY young, having grown up in a wealthy family in New Rome, and on top of that she was subject to very brutal and violent training. She never had time to actually be a kid. And she just kind of accepted it as her reality and never had issues with it. Until she got older and could actually understand her reality.

-When she’s little, she’s actually not at all how she used to be when she was an actual child. When she was young, she was very bratty, snapped easily, was mean to people for no reason. Now, she’s very quiet, and almost…empty, because she doesn’t allow herself to actually feel and process her own emotions.

-She’s in an arranged marriage with Octavian, but they’ve known each other since they were both very little, as their families are on good terms. Sione genuinely loves Octavian, and as he’s pretty much the only stability she has in her life, she’s very obsessive over him. She wishes she could tell him about her age regression, because she doesn’t. Because she knows him and how he is.

-She’s evil, and has committed many heinous crimes, but that’s all that she was taught. She was taught that the only thing that mattered was power, money, and status, and that she should do anything to get that.

-She’s very logical and analytical. If she was given the chance to heal and actually be little, she would HEAVILY fuck with puzzles. Or murder mystery games.

-She would also like to play pretend I think. She’d be the “queen” and would make everyone follow her orders.

-Snakes are her thing. She’d have a snake stuffie and she’d take it everywhere with her.

-Would probably like the Sims 4 a lot. She’d do one of two things: building a bunch of houses, or making a bunch of sims just to kill them off in various ways.

-If given the chance to actually be little, she’d be VERY clingy. And possessive. Would hold Octavian’s hand and glare at any girl who talks to him. Or even looks at him.

-Wants physical affection SOOO bad because she never got it as a kid. Her father just didn’t really care about her. Like at all.

[yanoharuhito]

the way the person ur talking about expected everyone to adhere to their triggers and discomforts and no one was allowed to mention them but they could say what they want no matter anyone else's triggers or discomforts literally the most annoying type of person

yeah exactly. one thing this ask reminded me of, was about how they and i had seriously talked about boundaries and things -- where i thought we had established something nicely but they seemed to just... not actually care

like. this is going to sound stupid but for example they have a lot of f/os right? fictional crushes. and they'd talk about them to me, although i had before made it clear that it made me uncomfortable, because at that time i was poor at managing the intense jealousy that came with having bpd

but at that point i didn't want to confront them about something more than once because i knew theyd spiral and make it my problem. so what i did was i Joined Them ...? like they would send a picture of a hot fictional guy and lust over him? i would agree with them and be like Ooh haha sexy because i literally did not know how else to deal with the situation in such a way that wouldn't make them mad at me.

HOWEVER THEY Got mad at me anyways and were like Ermmmm actually i dont really want to share my f/os. Then Girl WHY are you showing me pictures of them every day. like what do you want me to say. what do you expect when you send your monogamous partner a picture of this guy youre saying you want to bang .

so youre going to ignore MY boundary about feeling uncomfortable watching a partner lust after others but you expect me to not do anything???? i was trying to make the best of a weird situation in which there kind of was no way to not upset them

[storm-of-feathers]

bpd after dbt is so stupid bc even as you're splitting and spiraling and trying to breathe you're just painfully aware of how stupid you're being

[ravenkinnie]

oh can you maybe talk about the bpd symptoms and how Jinx fits into them or rather what scenes in the show depict them? That would be so interesting

mind you, I'm not saying arcane set out to portray anything in particular, just that these are things I have noted in jinx and that's I've seen other people point out or relate to

cw for discussion of mental health issues ofc, self harm and suicide

obv she has intense fear of abandonment that pushes her to do impulsive or straight up insane things. it is tied to her self worth and her belief that she needs earn love and value - dinner party is one thing but even when she steals gemstones for silco in ep4. another aspect of this that jumps out of when she specifically hands vi the gun and tells her to kill caitlyn so vi can get powder back - obv jinx is hurt and is spiraling but she's very much manipulating vi there to test her love and that's something I've seen people do in so many ways: hurting themselves, withdrawing emotionally or physically, threats, even stupid little things such as 'if she replies within next hour then she loves me'

I talked about splitting and black and white thinking before ofc, the way she puts people (I mean specifically vi and silco) on a pedestal but if she feels they are against her she can devalue them completely - jinx in general seems to lack that object constancy where her image of and feelings about other people remain stable, they are transient based on most recent encounter (I'll give her credit that she's usually in insane situations where trust is v fragile, like vi disappeared for seven years in her mind and silco is a fishy ass mf)

I've mentioned it somewhere before too but while I don't like the concept of a favorite person and I don't like how it's used in bpd communities often, it is true that sometimes people will fixate on one person who becomes their whole identity and the focal point - I think for jinx that obv people who respond to that need to be taken care of, first vi then silco

on topic of that black and white thinking too, bpd is characterized by identity issues - jinx has a really interesting case of it where she split herself into powder and jinx as a way to conceptualize her identity. we know that there's no powder vs jinx, there's just this one person but putting herself on those two ends of a spectrum is how jinx understands herself

I don't feel like I even need to explain impulsive behaviour and mood swings dhdhhdnsn also self injury and suicidal ideation - none of these are specific to bpd, mind you, also you can be an impulsive emotional person without having any disorder but I have seen a lot of people relate to that. with sh and si, it's never outwardly shown or stated but I'm thinking of that moment on the bridge where jinx just gave up and it's clear that she was 100% ready to die

this isn't specific to bpd but it's def a sentiment I've seen a lot that because there's so much happening internally people become v self absorbed and it becomes hard to be interested in others. I don't think people really register to jinx as real people unless it's through her relationship to them, like I don't think caitlyn feels like an actual real person to her, she's just an obstacle, a concept of one

psychosis isn't, like, bpd-specific but bpd can have psychotic features, it's fairly common really. especially paranoid delusions which jinx does show, she easily believes someone is about to leave or get her, abandonment is also her biggest trigger, next to guilt

in conclusion, I thought about this meme when typing this

[ithurtssomuch]

Having BPD is so incredibly exhausting, and lonely. Because while I'm spiraling, despite knowing better, there is not a single soul I can reach out to because unless you have it as well, you do not understand what its like and will consider the spiraling nothing but stupid.

And I don't need someone like that right now. I know it is stupid. It's just that I cannot stop it. So instead I'm trying to remain seated at my desk with this puzzle, while everything inside of me is screaming.