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mystycalypso · 2 months ago

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TRICK QUESTION YOU DON'T GET A CHOICE!

(Also this is gonna be so all over the place. This is literally my autism that I've had for this man since he first showed his purple face to my child eyeballs vomited onto your tumblr feed)

"Jack? Why did this start?" You may ask.

Well, my dear reading listener, as you might know, I started rewatching the show again after seeing a video featuring Laserblast and Silverspark. I was just gonna watch iy normally with Kaydin (We did afterwards, and AthenaP when I catch you for mischaracterizing the hell out of my man because you basically ONLY watched the clips from 'big reveal', when I catch you! /j) so we sat down and binged the entire series together. Tears were shed, laughs were had, Ian and the cast went live on saberspark's channel, joe cuppa fanart was made, it was great.

But as we started season 3, a feeling of silent dread filled me. One I've held ever since my glorious and very relatable deadbeat bisexual freak came on screen.

Shadowy Venomous...

I don't know how controversial or argumentative the fandom is over Venomous vs. Shadowy anymore tbh, but jesus, it used to be rough. And I was dreading that my husband would HATE this man. Aaand, to be fair I was right. Even just the goo trap was causing some serious loathing for the purple mans, and the when the reveal first happened, they straight up said "Nah he's fucking with them" Carol was looking at him and they're like "Yeah he was totally- WHAT?!"

They did not appreciate his deadbeatedness, but watching him try to be an awkwardly good dad did sort of win them over again. And after lets get shadowy they were even a little proud of him.

Then Carl happened. Oooh, Carl.

"I can't believe he lied about shadowy! That he manipulated him to bring out TKO that he-"

It was literally the only episode so far where I had to pause and rant to explain it all much more artistically than I intended. ...Which is what I'll now do here too.

First of all, Carl himself and that whole shebang, in what I call...

A lesson in confirmation bias!

K.O. went into this with built-up anxiety about TKO and Shadowy already. He was still under the idea that TKO was made by Shadowy and, as a kid, has very black and white ideas about heroes and villains. His preset fears on what to expect are MAXED out. Of course he was going to assume any mistake from PV was intentional and for the worse. NOW.

LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR

I am not blaming K.O at all. He's a 6-11 year old who's inherited a load of self worth and anxiety issues from his old man (a great example is actually early season 3 with him worried about his powers not being as good as rad/enid's, kinda like laserblast waaaaas). And yeah, when your dad's evil and he keeps accidentally being a dumbass you're gonna get suspicious. Especially if his ass keeps assuming you have way cooler powers than he ever had because I mean, you are your momma's boy, and you do consistently kick ass.

But on the other hand, let's look from the other perspective, something I both totally get why not, and desperately wish we got.

Venomous has finally admitted his relationship to K.O. something we know was gonna be dragged out longer but didn't get to out of universe because it was cut short, but in universe I think when he revealed it was entirely linked to his own confidence. Something he'd clearly been working on. After all, his fears of how good he could be as a partner and father were helped (slowly) by Boxman and Fink. He feels stable enough to own up what happened and why he is who he is now with pride, whether that gains him further love or hatred. And when his bio kid does want to be in his life, he accepts it, encourages it. He's taken this on, even when his son and ex girlfriend launch them into the sky.

He's trying to bond with him, it's- awkward and weird for both of them, but at least he can tell himself he's trying to help the kids out. ...Only to find out he accidentally created a dark alter ego for himself that he didn't know about and threatened his daughter into secrecy. That's uh- stress inducing, to say the least.

You can feel that- relapse in a way- of his issues. He'd felt content as a powerless individual because he didn't need them, he felt in control of his life, and now he knows the reason he feels so awful all the time, constant migraines and suffering was because of a stronger, eviler version of himself? Yeah, no wonder it panicked him enough to yank Shadowy forward. Everything he thought he had basically just got yanked out from under him.

And I do not doubt after his kids saved him that he was genuine about not wanting to live like this. About wanting to get rid of shadowy. Just like K.O. did when he saw the damage TKO was doing.

After all while K.O. visually takes almost entirely after his mom, emotionally he and Venomous are constant parallels. So I think he tried to do just what K.O. had done, push Shadowy deep into his subconscious where he wouldn't be a threat. Where he could try and do better, be better. And he gets to work on something special to show his boy next weekend.

Alright, so... your first 'good' invention is a total failure and monster. Oopsies. At least you can help your kid fight it... sorta. God, that's right being powerless is kind of useless when stopping destruction. And good Cob, you can't believe the one thing you thought you could do to save the day. To be a hero to your kid just made it 10 times worse. But- this is fine! He's clearly holding back, right? So he must just need encouragement to whip out those strong, incredible powers! The ones that pummeled boxman Jr. and made him such an incredible hero!

...He's not doing it. Are you really that bad at encouraging kids? Probably. Maybe he needs that more demanding tone like Gar seems to use. No, that just makes him seem panicked. Good Cob, you're doomed. Oh, never mind, his friends are here. Saved by teenagers in spandex. I mean, you're thankful, but like- kind of embarrassing. At least it's over with. You can enjoy the drive home and hopefully no hard feelings from K.O. When he finally speaks up on the drive, he's, admittedly understandbly, accusatory. But you try and play it off calmly. You did promise him, didn't you? Even if he can't really trust you, you promised fink, too. He pushes further. Why? Does he think you're not capable of getting rid of him? Not strong enough to get rid of him? What just because you didn't know he was there, just because you don't have special powers to fight him off? Just because he's a hero?

Take a deep breath. Your voice is snippy, but you try to sound firm and fair, and he leaves. You're not good enough, you guess. Of course not! You can't take him to big sportsgame games like Gar. You're not the perfect parent like Carol. Sooooorey K.O. Soorey you're not the perfect hero dad he wanted! You're useless and powerless and evil!

You collapse in your office. You've never been enough have you? You weren't good enough for Carol, for POINT, or even for your own son.

You don't even know what's bubbling up in your son outside, how ironically your struggles match each other. All you know is that despite your best efforts to grow and change and be better again... you're not enough. You can't even fight back against yourself. You can feel him, this creature you put inside yourself in such desperate attempts to gain back your weak powers to begin with. Before you even know it he's sucked you back into your mind.

He may be talking, you can't fully tell anymore. What's the point in stopping him? He's stronger than you, he has what you don't, what you can't have. He's everything you could never be.

He's...perfect.

(Seriously this text is so vital to his character and arc and I feel like some people just- totally ignore it)

He may have similar elements to other Turbo Characters, but Shadowy Venomous has never been them. Turbo forms in other characters are a channeling of the darkness in you, but shadowy is when it completely controls you. and no detail better exemplifies that than his wrist bands. Every other turbo character's bands are just that, similar to sweatbands, bracelets or jewelry. But Shadowy Venomous' bands are specifically cuffs. Because unlike all the others, he is an outside force trapping Venomous inside his own mind.

"But, he says they compromised, that this was because of the power Venomous saw he could have" But, we never here this from the horse's mouth. We only ever hear it from an unreliable source, an antagonist. And while Shadowy is a liar, the text has always stated the facts on the scenario even when it's awkward or a secret. Do I believe he did this for any particular reason? No. It wouldn't impact how TKO saw him and he has no reason to believe knowing the truth would male K.O. fight back further and affect his plan. It could just be a demonstration of his character, as this statement really had the biggest effect on viewers. After all plenty of people outright ignored the text, K.O. and Venomous' mirroring and his reaction once Shadowy is knocked out of him.

And... that's the other important thing isn't it? I mentioned it briefly but, Shadowy as far as we're aware was now always within Venomous like it was K.O. and if it was, I don't think it was nearly to the same extent as Shadowy. More of a- turbo Laserblast. Instead this creature was created in attempts to bring back what he had lost. Spending years so absorbed in feeling useless and like a sickening failure. To Point, to Silverspark, and to his future son.

And when TKO finally has enough, because sadly for Shadowy, TKO's fists are thicker than blood, he decks his old man so hard this happens.

That's an odd detail in itself compared to other turbo forms, the fact that he's been just punched out of this man, not once but twice. Even he seems disgusted and- somewhat horrified of what just coughed out of him.

Sure maybe it's just because he didn't know what was going on entirely. After all it's entirely possible he was disassociating within his subconscious, and that's why we don't see Shadowy attempting to 'shut him up' similar to what TKO does. But on the other hand, and linking this to the previously mentioned idea that Turbo Laserblast may have existed

I don't think he fully registered this thing as an outside force. This could also be why, as I sort of showed in that little Carl POV scene, he gave in to Shadowy so easily.

And seeing this thing not only get forcefully ejected from him with such ease but literally SQUASHED by his own kid like nothing when he was so weak to it.

That's slightly amazing, perplexing and kind of traumatizing.

And before he can even fully process all that, he's reminded that his- or well Shadowy's- actions have consequences. And unlike Shadowy, he doesn't fight his fate.

"Do your worst kid."

God this ONE LINE just- I'm grabbing him like a fnaf plushie. Claws around his neck affectionately. It's why I think people who say this man hasn't had any sort of redemption are just flat out wrong. He knows even if it wasn't directly his fault, it is. He did still create Shadowy within himself, and when it came down to it, he couldn't even find it within him to fight. Besides, he may not have understood it years ago, but seemingly without any powers is when he could be at his happiest.

Do I believe in any way that Venomous' best life could ever have been a full hero redemption arc? No. I don't think Heroism could ever be more interesting to him as a career or good for his mental health as villainy was, especially before he became bored with it all.

He was at his best and healthiest as a person with his husband at his side, his daughter at his back, and the three of them aiming fire at the plaza. Super villainy is boring, dull and overpowered, just like super heroism. Becoming so overpowered that you begin comparing yourself with the impossible standards of those around you is inevitable when placed on such a high pedestal, even if that pedestal is one of infamy. But Boxman, he was petty, low powered, treated like a joke, and he was having more fun than anyone else because of it. The perfect kind of life for a man like Venomous.

It's why, when it comes down to it, what would be best for them, the president of the universe did what he did.

Now sure you could ask why he wouldn't just give that perfect future with Boxman in the first place, but I don't think that's how this worked to begin with. Combining it with the final episode, it's more accurately, 'everyone's path to their best life' And for Venomous that did require stepping away from well- everything. Sure it's phrased as "Oh he wanted to be the most powerful person on the planet so they're on an empty planet haha" But damn was it the perfect step to heal.

No stress of the extra consequences he had on the world and how that kind of rise and takedown would effect his name as a top villain? Just as long as he needs to bond with his daughter and commit petty crimes? Not having to return to Earth until he's ready and feels capable enough? And what does he do immediately after coming back?

attack the plaza. "We came to finish what we started here on earth" would seem like a reference to Shadowy's plan, but Shadowy was never a reflection of what Venomous really wanted, nor what he needed. Because Cob dang it, destruction is at it's best when facing something Shadowy mocked openly, the back and fourth of classic villainy.

Which, of course is why, on the best path, when given the chance to redeem himself and heal in the way best for him, he returns to the very man who made it all possible. Sure he could try and understandably excuse it as Shadowy, heck fink understood from the start how different that man was from her father, but he knows it's not a matter of excuses, but once again facing his actions head on. Something I think greatly mirrors Laserblast's "death". Instead of staying away, hiding from it all and relapsing his progress. He owns up to it. I hurt you, even if I didn't mean to, I hurt you. And I'm soorey.

And dammit, imposter syndrome may be strong, Shadowy may be strong too, but a relationship willing to face each other's problems will always be stronger.

To make a really long story short, when doing an analysis of Venomous as a person, his growth, etc, I think more people need to treat Shadowy less as a sign that Venomous is this awful parent incapable of change or only focused on power, but more as- his own worst antagonist on a level no other turbo form could match because like how Shadowy was manufactured off something Laserblast may have had before, the person he was were manufactured from his fears, driven by years upon years of unhealed imposter syndrome and self loathing.

And sometimes the best cure for that is a partner will help you feel content with the life you really want, rather than one that will continue to hold you on that pedestal.

Lads, I'm going feral. Who wants an info dump/rant about Shadowy and Professor Venomous?

#ok ko lets be heroes #ok ko #ok ko let's be heroes #ok ko professor venomous #professor venomous #shadowy figure #shadowy venomous #lord boxman #ok ko boxman #voxman #fink ok ko #tko #ok ko tko #character analysis #autism #neurodivergent #kins #kin #yes that last line is technically a dig at Carol #NOT THAT I'M BLAMING HER EITHER #Laserblast was literally a well reknowned famous hero #of course their relationship was kind of parasocial and she would never really get to understand his problems #meanwhile his purple told Boxman about secretly being Laserblast pretty damn early in their relationship all things considered #maybe because boxman didn't make him feel like he needed to be the perfect villian?#Just saying #I am glad they seperated but jesus that divorced couple video just made me wanna explode #neither of them were good for each others mental health in the long run guys #that's why they're married with their true loves now #I honestly am just glad I could type all this in one night #Drop your voxman headcanons if you actually read all this

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sheogorad · 2 years ago

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man. I'm catsitting for my aunt who owns this top floor apartment with a rooftop deck with a damn good view and I'm lounging out here as I eat my dinner and I'm just like. man. when will this be me all the time. I don't even want a lot. literally if I could just have a rented apartment to myself that has enough of a balcony to let me put a chaise lounge on it and a lil grill. I just want to lie in the sun with an ice cold cocktail and a cat and have it be MY space. if anyone else lives there it's my boyfriend. but that's it. no shitty incompetent roommates. literally me and a cat and maybe a boyfriend if he proves himself to be competent enough to live with me. it would be so nice. but alas, it will take time, as all good things do. eventually I'll get there. for now I'm gonna savour this cold beer and sunshine and nice view and just hope for a better future

#i was about to say that i'm extremely picky about hoisehold chores when it comes to who i live w #but i'm literally not #i just live with someone who is in his first place outside of his parents house #and a fucking idiot manchild jackass who knows how to do things but refuses to because wehhh i'm autisticccc #bruh the other guy is literally a professionally diagnosed autistic who speaks like he's in customer service bc that's the only way #he learned to develop social skills. and he's doing his fucking best. because he actually gives a shit about being a good roommate #you're a self centered rich kid who had maids growing up and you blame your autism for why i'm not allowed to clean your fucking mess #because god forbid i move one thing of yours in order to clean around the massive mess you make of the common space #shut the fuck up and go stew in your little shit hole #sorry. can you tell this gets to me lmao #getting accused of ableism because i expect him to do even One Singular chore is uh. fucking insane and frustrating #if you're an asshole don't throw autism under the rug for it. jsut admit that you're a spoiled rich brat. don't drag autism into this #we have literal proof that it's not autism causing you to be a shit person because of our other roommate #grow the fuuuuuck up #anyway #being away from home gives me time to decompress and get mad also lol #dialann

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autisticfaun420 · 4 months ago

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Autism and Fecal Smearing

I want to get this out of the way first so I'm just gonna say it, I struggle with this awful habit which is called diaper digging and fecal smearing, this post (and blog for that matter) I don't want to shy away from talking about this stuff. So yeah if I have a bowel accident, am frustrated/overstimulated/angry/sad, and am left alone for a few minutes I tend to do this. It's not as bad as before because I have preventative measures in place, like special onesies that make it so I can't remove my diaper myself (ughhh whatever...) and crunchy scented textured slime that my mom will add even more scent to just to make it overwhelming. The average number of episodes has been greatly reduced but I had one a couple weeks ago when my onesies were in the watch so the topic is fresh on my mind.

A lot of caregivers and autism parents are mystified and baffled by this habit and wonder why we do it. I can't speak for everyone, only myself, but to me personally the scent and texture of feces is so overwhelming and strong that I get a "high" from it. I take cannabis edibles daily and my parents let me get drunk once a month so I'll say its very comparable. I get a rush from it. My life can be so monotonous sometimes that smearing crap feels like getting away with a bank robbery, I go from extremely angry to feeling before then to like a happy giddy kid without a care in the world. I zone out so hard that I end up smearing it all over my face, walls, floor, and if it gets in my mouth I'm usually too far gone to care. I do not do it because I'm mad at my parents, I do not do it because I want to get back at them for something, I simply do it because my need for sensory input is so strong and when I'm about to go into a potentially violent meltdown I reach for the sensory nuke when my normal things to stim with just won't cut it. No high is complete without the crash and there's a crash. Seeing my parents and one of my unlucky friends SOOOOOOO unreasonably mad, it's terrifying. My parents got used to it and eventually just shrugged it off but I have heard them lose their cool over it several times and have heard my name and every cuss word in the book the room over where they clean. Not nice of them but I do not blame them one bit but the feeling inside hearing that is very real for me. I guess they got too good at shrugging it off. I had an incident where I smeared in the bathroom of one of my high school friends, very chill guy, look at me and scream at the top of my lungs, and punched a hole in the wall in the living room. I didn't know the painting he had in his bathroom was that rare but I ruined it completely and that's why he reacted that way. He could of done better but I do not blame him one bit. After that though seeing a side of that friend that I never seen before scared me into wearing the stupid onesie suit every day without fuss or a fight when before I would. Not only the suit but I have the replacement slime on me at all times, if I have a BM I tend to just pull it out and play with it. This doubles up as subtly letting my parents know I need a change, which I like cause I don't have to ask verbally which can feel kinda degrading sometimes. There is one good thing that has happened with this though. My hippie parents looked at my turd stained walls and thought I had some latent artistic talent and needed self expression and bought me art and painting supplies. They were misguided, it didn't prevent any incidents but I still took the art well. My therapist at the time had some art connections and the art I made was featured in what's known as an "outsider art" gallery. I sold a few pieces for 300-600 each. It's just a little bit bitter sweet cause if you've seen the King of the Hill episode about the Probots or just know a bit about outsider art in general, you'd know the way they market it is kind of, problematic to say the least. The gallery's artist profile for me made me out to be some kind of idiot dunce and made my parents look like heroic geniuses for spotting this talent or some shit and it's embarrassing that my artwork sold most likely cause of that over the strength of the art. Like oh wow look at this stupid R word who plays with poop his cool parents are soo smart, ughhhh. However I guess that's just the art game and I'm super proud of myself I made a couple thousand dollars of MY OWN money, it meant the world to me to have it. I'm not allowed to post my artwork on here and I wish I could share it with you on MY terms and not the gallery's but my parents are worried it could come back to my identity.

I want to end this post by saying if you engage in fecal smearing you are not stupid, broken, or filthy. You are a human being desperate for relief and you took the fastest way to get it. Shout out to all my autistic homies who smear or have smeared, I see you and you are loved.

#Autism #Level 2 autism #level 3 autism #high support needs #medium support needs #ableism #outsider art

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autie-hobbit · 1 year ago

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Communication issues with Autism is more than just being too blunt and sometimes needing someone to explain something differently.

You guys really need to stop acting like all of our communication problems are Allistics’ fault, that maybe if they just accommodated you a bit more, then you wouldn't have any communication problems.

While yes, I do think Allistics should be more open to accommodating other forms of communication, all of your communication issues aren't just gonna go away with accommodations.

I know y'all love blaming all your problems on Allistics, but sometimes it is legitimately just your Autism's fault, and that’s okay.

Autism is like, legitimately a communication deficit, and it isn't called that for no reason. It is okay to have communication issues, it isn’t your fault, and it doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re just Autistic experiencing one of the biggest symptoms of Autism.

#actually autistic #autism #mental disorders #disability #nat's posting

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brightlotusmoon · 2 months ago

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Is it me, or do young autistics not know how to find each other online? I see on Facebook a lot of them leaning into that "dark autistic supremacy" behavior by lamenting how they can never find autistics who share their very negative views, where autism is very disabling but they don't know how to break their bubble and they come across as projecting onto autistics who don't "suffer" the way they do.

There's this one guy I keep encountering, I think he's in his late 30s, who calls his autism a terrible power that has prevented him from getting into relationships. But he clearly doesn't want to really try to reach out, so I just ignore him. Since 2013, I have seen this kind of person, angry and blaming the community for not specifically taking about our worst moments so he doesn't feel alone.

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maybeafrog-blog · 4 months ago

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Leonardo and Autism

I am fascinated by the amount of autistic that 2012 Leo is, because unlike Donnie’s convenient tech savant situation, Leo’s autistic traits are solidly plot neutral to negative? He’s obsessed with rewatching one specific TV show (a cartoon with a repetitive and predictable plot), uses his favorite character to script his Leader Speeches to try to get his team to listen. He generally tries to plan every mission in detail and gets very frustrated when his brothers don’t go along with it/when plans have to be changed (at first- he gets more flexible over time). Leo also has an incredibly black and white understanding of morality and tends to take Splinter's teaching's as fact rather than advice, which can make him fairly gullible and easy to manipulate (the Karai situation), and he probably has the least social intelligence of his brothers.

It's interesting that the traits that make Leonardo such a paragon across most iterations have such autistic vibes. 2003 Leo is obsessed with honor but has a ridiculously hard time recognizing his own emotions (you kumquat!), and MM Leo's heroic personality can't be blamed on Splinter without that good Hamato ninja juice, so like, he's just like that. It sorta reminds me of anecdotes about undiagnosed autistic/adhd people thriving in the military-- "Ninja training" and all the rules that come with it probably works like crack on that neurodivergent turtle brain. Kinda makes me wonder about Rise Leonardo and his comparatively very lax upbringing-- obvi the guy would still be a lot more social and silly compared to most Leos, I think he's more ADHD than autistic, but how different would he be if he were trained in the structure of 2003 or 2012 Splinter?

Anyway, give me a Leo who trains everyday not just to get stronger, but because of how badly he needs that routine. How does he react when it's broken? How does he cope with being away from home during the farmhouse arc? Maybe a Leo with sensitive hearing that makes him great at noticing when they're being followed, but overwhelms him when he's too close to street level traffic? A Leo that tries to suppress his stims because that's not very cool stoic ninja of him? How would his brothers react to a Leo who's calm and focused in the midst of battle finally shutting or melting down over something seemingly small?

Also, 2012 Leo is very cute when he gets excited about his space show and it makes me want to squish his dumb turtle face. Give Leos More Hobbies (looking at you Mutant Mayhem, I'm glad he draws his silly lil comics in Tales but I'm concerned all his interests are gonna revolve around April or Ninja Responsibilities. My boy already has anxiety this shit is too much pressure for him.)

#tmnt #tmnt fandom #teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt 2012 #tmnt 2003 #tales of the tmnt #tmnt mutant mayhem #tmnt leonardo #autism #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rise of the tmnt

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punkeropercyjackson · 12 days ago

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hey hey just out of curiosity what are all your Percy Jackson hcs? (Gender, sexuality, and otherwise)

Percy's full name is Perseo Isadore Jackson.Perseus dosen't roll off the tongue in spanish and Isadore is both a greek name and a black name

Multietchnic but monoracial.Poseidon is a black greek,Sally is a second gen dominican inmigrant with two black parents and Percy considers himself american out of New Yorker pride

He's darkskinned with a blue undertone that glows in the moonlight,really strong and regal facial features and such afrotextured hair it can't be silkpressed thanks to a literal black god for a dad.He was on the scrawny side in Tlt from being underfed(blame Smelly Gabe restricting Sally's african/latina diaspora mom urge to stuff her kids beyond full) but chunked up as the series went on as visual character development and a healing journey.By his twenties,he's got a dad bod and he's been hairy his whole life and dosen't even own a razor and he's 6'4 and he's more gruff yet sweet dad-shaped than ever

He's actually not adhd-He's audhd.The autism is undiagnosed due to higher stigma around it than adhd and he was called the r slur a lot growing up,hence why he repeated it so easily and so defensively to defend Tyson when he was called one in Som(speaking of which........i think we all know in-charactely and realistically he would've stood by him after he was claimed.It is Percyish in prostect though he was perfectly okay with Tyson when he thought he just had Down Syndrome but got grossed out when he found out he's a monster.Reverse ableism).Blue food is his safe food,Riptide is a comfort item,he wears loose clothes as he needs room to breath,his special interests are blue,kidcore,anarchy,child care,the sea,cats,video games,the Superfam and energy drinks,half the time he's standing it's in raptor hands,he meows as his main vocal stim and when he was nine,Sally intended to enroll him to a Special ED School but he overheard her on a phone call with the staff and melted down so hard she never brought it up again.They both regret it to this day and wonder what could've been

He also has bpd and bipolar disorder to go with the ptsd(he's still dyslexic too,dw).I've been considering schizophrenic Percy too for a friend of mine who's schizophrenic and headcanons it on love towards Percy and reclaiming it from Dark Percy hoes turning him into a demonized stereotype of her disorder

Transfem bigender.Masc Percy isn't real,in the books she never shows any liking towards masculinity and manhood and she gives me big time femme vibes.Her pronouns are he/she/they and a hoard of Percycore neos(blue/cookie/lego/dude/paw/scale/meow/sparkle/pix/wave/stitch)and she looks perfectly androgynous through a mix of natural genderqueer swag and only bits of physical transition i.e she was on estrogen for a while but decided to not get any surgeries.Her presentation is only feminine but she likes masc terms almost as much as fem terms and hates being seen as just a feminine guy rather than a feminine guy who's also a feminine girl.Call her a f*mboy and she'll drown you on land.She's bidemi too and fw's queerplatonic dating

Her aesthetics and subcultures are afropunk,solarpunk,kidcore,mermaidcore and black indie.Meaning she dresses punk but like irl punks and not the posers on tv created by normies on deliberate innacuracy,in earthy black girl styles but almost exclusively using blue clothes,wears things like decora-y pastel/girly y2k fits,mermaid inspired and sea based clothing items and outfits you'd see on manic pixie dream girls denifers.Waterproof glitter is a Percy trademark and so is somehow black lipgloss and she only wears revealing clothes if it's an alt thing,including swimsuits.She had different hair per book too:Baby breads(tlt),wicks(ttc),twists(tlo),an afro turned into dreads with muscle memory during the climax and added sea material diy'd beads in the next book(som and moa),locs from growing so long she needed to switch(post-Hoo)and dying yellow,aqua,pink and purple streaks in them(egg crack at nineteen).Percy's piercings are a standard double eyebrow piercing,a spider bite,forward helix on both ears and a tongue ring and were done at home

On Percy's twelfth birthday,Sally bought her a blue nintendo ds she saved up for for months as a complete surprise and it was Percy's only console for the longest time so she used and cherished it greatly and hunted down obscure cartridges for it and stacked it in personalization.Nowadays she has a tamagotchi collection and her own at home gaming setup but she still has her precious first gamer device tucked away in her closet and breaks it out when she's feeling extra sad or wants to be sappy with someone important to her

Her favorite music genres are post-hardcore,nu-metal,lo-fi chiptunes,rap and bedroom rock.Her favorite blue flavors are blue velvet,bubblegum and cookie monster.Her favorite sea animal is sharks and she also hates dolphins.Her favorite disney princess,male character,movie and show are Cinderella 1997/Brandy Cinderella,a tie between Oswald The Lucky Rabbit and Max Goof,Big Hero 6 and Phineas and Ferb but she actually hates Ariel,Eric and The Little Mermaid as a whole and finds Finding Nemo an overrated cornfest and the constant in-universe jokes and assumptions aimed at her over them are the root along with them just not appealing to her.Her favorite superhero is Clark Kent and she never watched Mcu movies as a kid as she was too busy reading comics she bought at the local comic book shop near La Residencia Jackson and thinks Bruce Wayne is a chump and sometimes went on forums to spite oldhead poser comics nerds with citations and facts and she owns a mountain of squishmallows that include some scattered dc and marvel heroes and Starfire half defined her taste in women,the other half of that honor going to Brandy Cinderella(she had Cinderella 1997 on DVD too!!).Her favorite toy and favorite book series are Polly Pocket and Warrior Cats

Loves stop motion movies,roguelike rps,time management games,weird ceramics,magnetic hairclips,unusually shaped candles,aquatic life taxidermy,vinyl records,glow in the dark stickers,affectionate nonsexual bites(giving and recieving + hard enough to leave a mark but not enough to draw blood)and dipping burgers in milkshakes

Potty mouth or should i say,swears like a sailor.Percy's also vulgar but not a pervert i.e her humor dives into dirty jokes sometimes but purely for the bit, she's not a horny person nor does she like flirting for the sake of it

Rachel was an autistic black girl✋🏼Her and Percy were the real deal,queerplatonic black love and unpalpable symptoms frightens the normies and yes i mean Percy proship stans.They caught up on childhood together by doing kid stuff they didn't get to when they were younger and experiencing teenagehood together as alternative teenagers specifically.Rachel is an actual art hoe,a black woman dedicated to her crafts and anti-capitalism/anti-consummerism,and her and Percy started their punk studies as a team leading up participating in the culture as a team too and she hangs out at Percy's me place regularly and they're thee red-coded/blue-coded duo of ever and share clothes and Rachel beat people up for sexually harassing Percy over her apperance and Percy doodled them together a lot

Nico and Hazel are her platonic soulmates in every universe.It literally dosen't matter who you(general you!)ship Percy with,seperating the Dead Sea Siblings is infuckingsane and the worst characterization dynamic possible.Nico and Percy spent the year gap inbetween botl and tlo reconnecting and bonding as they should've so Sally adopts Nico once Percy convinces him he deserves better than Hades and this happens with the final nail in the coffin of Hades insulting Percy and Nico going off on him so while his father is in shock,Nico frees Percy from his trap and Persephone prevents Hades from intervening further in their lives on wanting to be freed from Hades herself.Persephone does a slow gambit of becoming the queen of the underworld without a king and part of it is asking Nico and Percy to ressurect Hazel so she can be part of the Second Great Prophecy and Hazel lives as part time Camp Jupiter black sheep,part time 1930s New Orleans girl living in a 2010s Manhattan world.Life level two is easier on her than her starter,albeit Marie was a good mom to avoid misogynoir and the voodoo bits are totally cut to avoid even further stereotyping,and she has two of the best brothers anyone could ever ask for and who she never knew she wanted,her adultification trauma not letting her dare to dream of a real childhood.Percy functions as a dad to her too and Sally stays beating the deadbeat parent allegations and Hazel learns to form her own self of entierly her own will,wishes,whimsy and worthiness

Rather than Toa/Trials of Apollo,the third and final greco-roman core series is Tods/Tales of Dead Seas,titled after and starring your favorite siblings' favorite siblings!!It takes place one year after Hoo and spans over four years in four books ft.a Hazel sidebook 'Hazel-Blood' and the plot is kicked off by Percy killing Zeus because he tried to hurt Hazel for talking back to him.Thus happens a revolution fixing the system to turn it into a good one and give everyone a better world and the gods and other oppressors consequences for their actions.Nico and Hazel attend the Special ED School Percy was supposed to and are known as the nerdgy cringe goth activist boy(affectionate)and the cool popular pastel goth IT girl with her shit together who's nice to everybody and encourages them to be who they are and when her first art showcase comes,Percy powers through to go and support her and brings a bag of blue marshmallow cupcakes,blue food sticks and ensure bottles for them and their classmates like a PTA mom.All the kids admired him so much it cured any ill feelings he had on the place so he shows up regularly and the teachers at it are the only ones he's ever respected

Also in Tods,Hestia gives him The Backhomepack-a blue backpack containing infinite supplies she crafted for him to help on his journey as she thought it suited him better than a weapon.He's a lover,a fighter and a father so it was perfect for him.In Tods too,Sally opens up Familia Jackson Beach Shack as a family bussiness and Percy NEVER goes to college and works for her Mamí because going to college isn't nor does it need to be everyone's endgoal.......especially not someone who was suicidal before they were even thirteen purely on how the school system treated them(have a concious,eggheads).And in Hoh,him and Hazel swapped plots-Hazel fell into Tartarus in Moa so she was fleshed out as an underworld kid and earned the nickname The Princess Of The Underworld And The Unknown and Percy was chosen by Hecate so he made his own path as a conclusion to his narrative dooming by destiny.On Nico,no retcons for gay torture porn,he's accepted at Camp Half-Blood just like we literally saw at Pjo's end and him and Hazel are the other mcs' baby brother and baby sister and him and Leo in particular share a braincell and with Hazel too as their own subtrio/mini trinity(shorties squad!!):The Gummies Trio.Leo is cursed with Best Friend's Brother and Stacy's Brother applicability(Thalia is Stacy.Leocentric Valgraceson #FOR DA WIN).And Tlo Percy wasn't robbed so she became the Hero Of The Great Prophecy as she killed Luke and put the ball in the court of the roll up to The First Last War aka Tods

Percy moodboard right here

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ghostofdiamonds · 10 months ago

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alright having watched the first half of dungeon meshi here are my impressions of the main cast + a couple other funky little guys.

overall: they literally seem like an actual dnd party from a campaign. my headcanon is that when falin died, the dm asked her player if they wanted to make a new character and the player created senshi.

laios: himbo. BIG himbo. I love him. I know he was concerned for his sister but it sometimes felt like he was more excited about eating monsters than saving his sister. I don't even think Falin would blame him she seemed pretty excited too when she found out they were eating monsters. also not to diagnose people with autism but like. if he's not autistic I have no idea what he is.

marcille: I love this girl. she's gay as fuck and I love her. she was least open to eating monsters but by the time they reach Falin she's acclimated to it. she does magic by the book yet she specializes in forbidden magic. her main combat spell is blowing things up. she's an icon.

chilchuck: this is a man who knows what he's about. middle aged man in a union who got paid upfront. you think marcille is the normal one but I'm pretty sure it's actually chilchuck. AND YET he grew to care about the party and will go back down to the dungeon with them.

senshi: SOMEONE GET THIS MAN A COOKING SHOW STAT. imagine that you study a super niche thing for years and one day you're minding your own business and you hear someone say "aw man we're all out of options guess we've gotta do *very niche thing you specialize in*. That was Senshi. he'd been waiting his whole life for this moment. I just KNOW he was having the time of his fucking life down in the dungeon with them. he's living his best life with people who appreciate his cooking and I love that for him.

falin: absolute sweetheart. deserves better in every way. can the universe give this girl a fucking BREAK and also a girlfriend (*cough cough marcille*). she seems normal at first glance but I feel like she's just as crazy as her brother.

kabru: MY BOY. loved his design ever since I saw him in the opening. he and his party are so bad at staying alive oh my god. I can't wait to see more of him.

namari: okay I didn't like her for abandoning Falin but I get it money is tight. if nothing else I respect her for apparently (according to my friend) being bisexual and crushing on the twins she works with.

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grumpy-gran · 10 months ago

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Neil Gaiman is not coming back…

[Disclaimer: These are personal musings. They are not based on any evidence — and definitely coming from a person who has already made somewhat of a judgement on the Gaiman’s situation. I’m disclaiming 1) my obvious bias, I believe survivors un-fucking-flinchingly. 2) my lack of expertise/info on the subject of PR management. Ignore them as rambling’s of an old, jaded person if you must. Old man yells at cloud kind of thing. I’m just writing to put my feelings somewhere. Don’t hold them to any higher standard than that]

We need to stop waiting for his response. It’s not coming anytime soon.

He’s going to vanish from public memory until it’s been long enough for these allegations to be forgotten. Long enough to be missed, even. People will start to wonder “whatever happened to the guy?”

Then suddenly,

closer to the release dates of some of the productions he’s involved in, he will appear from the fog.

Maybe he takes the chance to stage a public spectacle like another famous person recently did?

His fans, especially the ones parasocially attached to him, will latch on to his engagement after the long “disappearance.” He will issue some mixture of justification/apology/self-flagellation/self-victimisation which will convince no one expect those who were already eager to forgive, forget and move on. Will he deflect blame on his autism diagnosis again? I wonder…

There will be no real accountability.

I dearly hope I’m wrong.

#neil gaiman

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beausprouts · 11 months ago

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PLEASEEEE GIVE US THE LORE TIMELINE FOR UR AU

WELL I MEAN IF YOU INSIST-

I made this timeline JUST FOR THIS MOMENT. More rambling under the cut if anyone is curious 👍

So essentially I changed everything because I can. I've been in the fandom since like the first game came out and I was a baby so it's my right to mold the lore to what I want thank you very much.

I essentially just condensed it. So FNAF 3 and the events of the Steel Wool era are combined. It makes sense to me that a company like the one that owns the Pizzaplex would use a literal real life murder spree to make a haunted house. Did you guys see the Scraptrap arcade cabinet? Yeah. Exactly.

I took inspiration from the movie with how Will was able to have a weird psychic connection to the kids, and controlled them in a way to how Henry's relationship with the missing children is in this continuity. He was essentially able to convince them it was Will that killed them. Only Charlie knows the truth, because she hasn't revealed herself to her father and pretty much saw everything happen (yikes). I like to think that Charlie and Will kind of team up similarly to how Henry and Mike team up in canon? A perfect mirror flip.

I'm toying big time with some twists, I do like the mimic as a villain but I haven't decided yet if I'm going to use him for this plotline. Maybe! Who knows maybe Henry never made it to his 70s and the current CEO was the mimic all along ooh spoookyyy.

My OC Beau essentially replaces Vanny as the partner in crime to Springtrap. Though this time the goal is to clear his name and to free the souls of the children. Vanessa is still around but nothing bad ever happens to her because she doesn't deserve it and I love her.

I want Michael to get out of the Sister Location spot under the Pizzaplex and become a minor antagonist too because him, Evan, and Elizabeth all also blame William for what happened, what reason would they have to believe otherwise its fair.

So yeah y'know, drawing my stupid oc being silly with Springs ended up getting its own lore bible my bad. Autism moment.

#fnaf au #william afton #henry emily #beauart #beauspeak #listen i am THE YAPPER #i was WAITING for someone to ask y'all should not have asked!!!!#thank you for asking sobs #who framed william afton au

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eliza-and-her-monsters · 5 months ago

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the tortured poets department

Info Post

Moodboards

Part I

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Contains/TW: depictions of autism ‘meltdowns’/panic and overstimulation, slight depictions of asthma. PSA i’m portraying amelia’s autism in similar ways to how mine works and what it does to me so if yours works differently that’s okay! ASD affects us all who have it in different ways 🖤

A/N: i will admit i struggled a bit with this one so it might not be as great. i hope you enjoy it regardless though :,) ALSO to those of you who loved Jinx and Millie’s friendship you’ll probably like this one! 🖤 (also another psa last chapter of 2024 🤭)

WC: 4.6k

Part IV

The Bolter

It felt like every inch of me was shaking as I speed-walked down the hallway towards the locker room. My arms tightly wound around myself as Vi’s words echoed in my head like an angry mantra. No, no no no… you will not victimize yourself right now. Take care of Ellie. For once just take care of someone else. It wasn’t to say I hadn’t been yelled at before, countless times I found myself on the receiving end of my parents frustrated anger or my tutors’ impatience. Even Caitlyn and I had for sure gotten into a few screaming matches before. But for some reason hearing it from Vi’s voice hurt more than anyone else’s.

I roughly wiped at my eyes before I could push my way into the locker room, momentarily forgetting about the contacts that had been shoved into them which caused me to grimace at the feeling of them shifting. I tried to blink away the blurriness as I stepped into the room. Ellie stood over the sink, already shrugged off all of her gear now clad in a simple black tank top as she carefully dabbed at the splotch underneath her eye with a wet cloth. “Ellie? A-Are you okay? How’s your head?” I questioned as I cautiously crept into the empty locker room.

“Haven’t had any complaints yet.” She joked with a shrug causing my expression to fade into a little scowl. “Relax, I’m fine. My ego’s more bruised than anything, I think.” She sighed as she whirled around to face me, cautiously pulling the cloth away from the glowing ice burn along her cheekbone.

“It’s gonna leave a sick scar, you should say ‘you should see the other guy.’” I teased, gently pressing on her shoulder to get her to sit down until she hoisted herself up on the sink.

Her lips upturned in a slight smile as she let out a little chuckle. “Except I’m pretty sure she looks a whole lot better than me.”

“Not whenever she made an ass of herself.” I spoke, eyebrows drawing together in a look of concentration as I stole the warm cloth from her hands to press to her cheekbone instead. Ellie hissed a bit in pain, curling her hands around the counter of the sink with a shuddering breath.

“Fuck, all this time out of service and it’s made my pain tolerance eat shit.” She remarked with a small cringe screwed on her face before it softened. “A-Are you okay? After what she called you? I-I don’t even know why she did it- that was so disgusting-“

“Els, I’m okay.” I confirmed, softly stroking her shoulder with my free hand. “I’ve been called worse.”

“You shouldn’t have been.” She spoke with a shake of her head, slowly and carefully the weight against my hand increasing as she leaned into my touch. “I’m sorry I- I should’ve known she was going to be an ass today after yesterday and I-I should’ve kept you from it I-”

“Ellie…” I frowned, my facial expression shifting into one that was slightly more stern as I took my other hand to hold the other side of her face with. Her green eyes were glassy, as if she was holding back an absolute avalanche of tears. So much more innocent than she would ever let herself show… except for maybe to me. “You’ve gotta stop blaming yourself for things that aren’t your fault.”

She let her eyes shift, a subtle understanding between the two of us as she peered downwards. “It’s not as if she doesn’t have a right to be angry. Her- Her dad- He was a civilian doctor on base with us.“ Her throat bobbed as she tried to recount the tale with as much strength as she could. “Some of the guys that were stationed with me were… these disgusting pigs that thought because they were in the army they had some sort of authority over civilians though and took to harassing the shit out of him basically until they were forced to move. I don’t know why she blames me… maybe I guess because I’m the only one left she can blame. Or just an easy target.” She ran a slightly shaking hand through her hair. “I’ve tried to be friends with her so many times but she just isn’t having any of it and takes so much of her anger out on me I-I don’t know what to do.”

I didn’t know what else to say, I seldom did whenever she told me some of the stories of her past. All of my own suddenly seeming to pale in comparison. She was never a fan of the narrative that it was selfish to be so depressed whenever other people ‘had it worse though. It was her who taught me that bravery came in so many different forms. Nevertheless I let my lips press to her forehead before pulling her into my arms, being propped up on the sink counter finally allowing her to snuggle her head into my shoulder as she wrapped her own arms around me.

“It’s much too difficult to not love you. I think one day she’ll see that.” I gave her another gentle squeeze, lingering there for just a second longer before I heard the swing of the door opening.

Ellie immediately slid down from the sink, moving in front of me almost protectively just before Vi stepped around the corner with that same scowl on her face, though she seemed to be trying to hide it more this time. “So, you gonna lose the eye?” She remarked with a hint of humor behind her tone as she pulled the gloves from her bruised fingers.

“Oh uhhh yeah, probably gonna have to amputate.” She teased mildly before making her way towards the lockers. “Where’s Abby?”

“Brief suspended absence… to get her shit together.” Her words seemed to hold more information than she let on. “Sevika wants you to take the rest of the day off though too since you looked pretty shaken up.”

“That’s humiliating.” Ellie huffed as she retreated back towards her locker to pull out a simple grey hoodie to pull on over her tank.

“Els, it isn’t so bad, I mean we have club rush later on today anyways, you could probably use the extra time.” I frowned once more, always trying my hardest to be positive whenever Ellie of all people couldn’t. She was always better at excelling with that kind of thing than I was.

“I guess, I just… I don’t know. How I long for ego dissolution.” She voiced with a shake of her head as she pulled a Carhartt beanie over her head. “I think I’m gonna head back to our place and hit the showers but I can meet you at club rush later on?”

“Sure, just text me.” I added just before she slung her backpack over her shoulder. Her eyes briefly glancing to mine as if she was hovering, wondering if she was safe to do our usual goodbyes. The forehead kisses and hugs, always remembering to tell each other that we loved one another. She decided against it though, just shooting me a weak smile before shuffling towards the door.

“See you, Mills.” She replied, my heart stinging in my chest as I caught my feet briefly trailing a few steps in her direction. ‘God, don’t pull away from me. Please don’t pull away from me.’

Meanwhile Vi’s presence felt like a looming ghost behind me, the burn of her eyes on my back lingering all the while. “Come here.” I heard her speak up with a clear of her throat from her spot on the bench.

My eyebrows furrowed together in frustration in response however, my arms folded across my chest as I whipped around to face her. “You know you don’t get to just tell me what to do, right? First you yell at me outside to leave you alone and now you’re actually telling me to approach you a-as if nothing happened?”

Vi started at me long and hard, eyebrows narrowing in a way that had me instantly regretting my sudden backbone. Nevertheless I tried to maintain my best Kiramman face, slanted eyebrows and darkened eyes that probably only resulted in me looking like an angry or sad puppy. “I was going to apologize.” She finally spoke up after a moment, dropping her hands to her sides as she slowly took a few steps towards me. “I just didn’t want your back towards me whenever I did.”

I drew backwards whenever her body approached mine, my breath hitching in my throat as my back suddenly hit the side of a locker even though she hadn’t even gotten that close. “I’m sorry, for raising my voice at you. I just wanted to protect you.”

“From what?” I whispered, hands shaking as I slid my arms back around my waist as if trying to give myself the illusion of someone else’s arms around me.

“From you seeing things if they went south.” Vi stated, finally dropping herself down onto one of the benches that wrapped around the lines of lockers. “Now… will you please come here?”

I probably shouldn’t have. I knew it wasn’t smart of me and I had probably well and truthfully lost the plot. Her history with my sister was enough of a reason but the addition of the other stuff, the fighting, the mysterious death that I had yet to learn about but was too afraid to ask about. It was all such a bad idea and I knew that. But every aspect of love that had ever been in my life so far had been a bad idea.

I let my feet shuffle towards her, muscular arms sliding around my waist the moment I got close and my breathing hitched in my throat once more as I felt her pulling me right onto her lap. “Does it make you uncomfortable? Me holding you like this?” She wondered, hands gently ghosting along the ends of my hoodie as if she wanted to slip them up the fabric. And I think I nearly wanted her to. “You’re always shaking.”

“No… I just- I- nobody’s ever touched me like this before.” I answered before settling my clearly trembling hands around her shoulders. I used to always shake whenever people touched me, and still did if they were new. Partially because I never knew if it was going to be a rough touch or a gentle one. The same could be said for intimacy, I had never allowed myself the graces of pleasure before. The idea of exposing myself to somebody was horrifying, being so vulnerable and laid out so bare whenever they could choose to be whichever version of themselves they wanted.

“Never?” She spoke, the smallest gasp slipping from my lips the moment I felt her hand sliding underneath the fabric of the hoodie. Calloused fingers dragging along my bare skin nearly causing me to whimper at the goosebumps that followed.

“Never.” I answered, gulping an anxious lump down my throat. My legs shook as they were practically wrapped around her waist. I wanted to tear off her jersey and feel her muscles underneath again. Trace every line of her biceps and the tattoos inked on top of them, her hands sliding up my spine nearly causing me to arch against them. “Vi- Vi, this can’t just be physical. I-It has to be more than that.”

“What makes you think it is?” She questioned, and I almost whined the moment her warm hand left my skin. “I’ve been trying to sneak into that pretty little head of yours for a while now.”

“My head isn’t a pretty place.” My eyebrows furrowed slightly as I peered downwards in what could’ve almost been interpreted as shame.

“The dark parts too then. I wanna see those too.” Vi whispered.

The look in her eyes was too soft to be insincere, and I caught myself searching her face for any sign of it. I came up empty every single time. And before I knew it I was swirling a strand of her pink hair around my finger just before brushing my lips to hers. Vi’s grip around my waist only seemed to tighten as she pressed me to her. I could’ve sworn I even heard a whimper from her lips as I entangled my fingers through her soft hair. It didn’t last nearly as long as our kiss last night had, though I still felt every bolt and zap of the electricity that seemed to connect through us. My lips pink and swollen as she lightly drug her teeth through my bottom one just before I was left breathless.

“I wanna see you tonight… not to do anything I just- I just wanna see you. C-Can I?” It was the first time I had seemed to catch her flustered as she stared up at me with red cheeks, and not just from the natural chill of the ice rink.

It was hard to say no to the look on her face, so with a delicate hand pressed to her cheek I nodded. “Okay.”

“Boo!” I heard Jinx exclaim the moment I stepped outside, suddenly feeling like the hoodie I wore wasn’t enough to beat the chill that ran through me as I only jumped the tiniest bit. “Ha! Made you jump!” She teased as she pointed a long purple nail my way. “So, did you guys kiss and make up?”

“Uhhh… I mean-“ I stammered, my own cheeks suddenly a bright red as I caught my bottom lip in between my teeth.

“Yeah, you totally did, it’s written all over your face.” She laughed once more before reaching for a bright blue bike chained up to the rack next to mine. “Relax, new girl, I’m not gonna go all guard dog on you because you’re totally into my sister.”

“How come?” I wondered, almost afraid of the answer as I shuffled up towards my own bike.

“Because no offense, you kind of don’t really look like you could hurt a fly.” She chuckled a bit as she hoisted herself up onto the seat. “Going to club rush?” She added with that same smirk-like smile she always seemed to have.

“I guess… my sister told me it was kind of, you know, mandatory unless I wanted to have a really lonely next four years.” I shrugged casually before hopping up onto my own seat and peddling off behind Jinx.

“You seem like you’d be okay with having a very lonely next four years.” Jinx remarked with another little laugh. “Not that being in the ‘esteemed Kiramman family’ could provide a lonely existence.”

“Maybe if you’re Caitlyn, no, she’s always been the one with all the social skills and the brains and brawn to boot. I mean, she’d always try and find ways to include me but whenever she went to uni it just, obviously complicated things.” I explained immediately feeling my face heat up in embarrassment as I shook my head, “Sorry, I-I don’t wanna trauma dump.”

Jinx’s bike suddenly skidded to a halt nearly causing me to jolt forward as I pressed down on my brake to not speed ahead. Her eyes seemed to peer directly into mine with a look I hadn’t really seen from her before. Was it… sympathy? Empathy? “You aren’t trauma dumping, and for future reference if you need somebody to talk to, I’m here.”

My lips slightly upturned in the corners, hands squeezing around the handlebars as I weakly nodded, “Thanks Jinx, that means a lot.”

“Of course it does.” Her typical grin stretched back across her face before she lifted herself from the seat once more to venture forward. “Now… try to keep up because I’m a fast peddler… and a meddler.”

“I could definitely see that last part.” I laughed just before quickening the pace of my own peddling to speed off alongside her. And for the most part I nearly felt like I was getting at least a small part of what was mostly a lost childhood back. Racing down the block and laughing with your friends on your bike. “So, ummm… you’ve asked a lot about me- what about you? How’d you make it to the UK?”

“Pretty epic twist of fate I guess you could say, dead parents for one.”

“O-Oh my God, I’m so-”

“Eh, it’s all good.” Jinx waved it off easily, “My brain’s blocked a good amount of it out, a ‘trauma response’ or some shit, I guess. But anyways, Vi’s always been a beast on the ice hockey rink and rich people love a good sob story so the second they found out she was an orphaned foster kid with an absolutely adorable and tiny genius little sister the sponsorships started pouring in. So- she played hockey all throughout middle school and high school, I got into robotics and then her senior year she got recruited to Oxford. Then… a few years later I come around and sweep the rug out from underneath her feet with an engineering scholarship.”

I was almost stunned into silence as we skidded to a stop at a pedestrian crosswalk. “Wow, sounds like literal inspiration porn.”

“Oh, you have no idea.” She said with a laugh almost making me sigh in relief that she wasn’t offended. Though it seemed pretty difficult to offend Jinx. “I mean, don’t get me wrong. It’s not like we didn’t go through a lot. The foster system is hardly a walk in the park but… having a super sporty older sister helps.”

“And being smart yourself too… you have to give yourself credit for that.” I suggested shyly with a casual shrug.

“Maybe… at least mildly. I’m a degenerate, but a pretty brilliant degenerate.” She grinned, causing me to let out a little laugh of my own as we continued to peddle along the path. “So, what clubs are you looking to sign up for? You should totally go for drama, the professor who runs it is a fucking lunatic.”

“I don’t know if I’m necessarily a, you know, drama club kind of girl-”

“And do I look like I’m a drama club kind of girl?” Jinx wondered with a lifted brow.

“Yeah, a bit actually.” I answered causing her to roll her eyes in a way that only proved my point. “I mean, maybe, but I’m not like… going for lead role or anything.”

“You know, isn’t it funny how the people who say that always end up being the lead in some way?” She spoke in a sing song voice as she twirled a strand of her bright hair around her finger.

“Do I even need to ask to know that ao3 is somewhere in your browsing history? Or tumblr maybe?” I teased with a snicker that faded the moment I heard the first telltale signs of Oxford’s club rush.

I’m not sure what I was expecting, I guess I should’ve expected exactly this. With over 400 clubs club rush spanned a week long and nearly took over the entirety of the main quad and then some. It felt like a weeklong party of freshers and curious and bored upperclassmen alike. I absolutely should’ve been better prepared for the boatload of people filing in and out of the massive courtyard completely taken over by white tents and set ups every club had probably spent weeks working on. For some reason though I had a feeling no amount of research or planning could’ve prepared me for it though.

“Oh shit.” I cursed, immediately skidding to a stop so fast I nearly launched myself over the handlebars this time.

“Hey, chill new girl, before we get matching concussions!” Jinx exclaimed as she pressed her foot on the ground to stop herself. Her expression softened slightly though once she took a look at my face. Probably as white as a sheet much like the knuckles that gripped my handlebars. “Hey, what’s up with you? What happened?”

“Uhhh… umm, autism?” I stammered simply as I nearly scrambled off of the bike, almost drawing blood from my bottom lip at this point. “Ummm, so- I-I can’t go in there but- don’t let me hold you from it.” My words were a shaking mess as I tried to drive the bike away from the commotion. Jinx only chased me down like the stubborn girl she was.

“Well, I’m sure as shit not leaving you out here to panic by yourself!” She voiced as she trudged off behind me to find a bench before my knees could give out from below me.

“That might actually be the best option for you in all honesty.” I answered in a shaking voice, finally giving up before I found subtle solace underneath one of the large trees to prop my bike up against.

“Okay, what would be the best option for you?” Jinx’s boots cracked underneath the fallen branches as she watched me drop the backpack from my shoulders. Every inch of me nearly felt like it was shaking as she cautiously approached me. “Because if you honestly want me to leave then I will but- don’t just say that because you’re trying to spare me from something. You aren’t a burden, Amelia.”

I tensed at first whenever I felt her cautious hand on my shoulder, it felt like every sound was getting louder and louder by the minute and I had to fight the urge to not launch myself into her arms right then and there. “C-Can we sit down?” My words shook nearly as hard as my legs did, threatening to give out any moment.

“Yeah, ‘course.” Jinx nodded quickly, already kneeling down to try and clear a spot underneath the tree even though it was already pretty clear. It was like she was trying everything she could to be helpful.

I guess you could’ve said my meltdowns were different than a lot of the ones you probably see portrayed. It was rare I ever yelled or expressed anger, I never hit anything, sometimes I would scratch at myself or pull my hair. But more often than not they were silent killers. The uncomfortable shaking, muscles giving out, the crying, oh god the crying was more exhausting than anything. If I was in public I tried my hardest not to, though most of the time that took more out of me than the actual crying did. All I knew was to retreat. Retreat, run, hide, curl up into a ball and hoped that eventually it would pass. Even though occasionally it almost felt like the aftermath was one of the worst parts. The depression that followed, the shame, the embarrassment, the apologies to everyone else even though I still didn’t know how I would’ve prevented it.

That was the worst part of all.

“What can I do to help?” Jinx asked as she placed a cautious hand on my knee that I was quickly hugging to my chest.

“C-Can you text Ellie and Caitlyn the code word, p-please? It’s pineapple. I-It shouldn’t have a passcode.” I questioned through my quivering voice, feeling like my lungs were already sealing shut in my chest much like they had last night. I could tell she was biting back one of her funny remarks as she slid my phone from my hoodie pocket, and I almost wished she would have before the tears started to fall and I became incapable of anything else.

“Inhaler- I-I need my inhaler.” I practically gasped out as I scrambled for my backpack. “P-Please tell me I brought it, f-for fuck’s sakes! H-How am I so stupid?!” I whimpered in frustration as I dug around through my backpack only to be met with no avail.

“Millie, Millie don’t.” Jinx gently slipped her hands into mine before I could start lashing out at myself. “We’ll find it, I promise we’ll find it.”

“I’m sorry.” I spoke through the sobs, apologizing prematurely before I could get any worse.

I clutched her hands for dear life it seemed. The sounds of various students passing by only got louder, the levels of shame coursing through my body causing me to squeeze myself into the same little ball I always did. Retreat, make yourself as small as possible. My breath came out in wheezes, a slow rattling beginning to increase in my chest until it felt impossible to talk. Stupid, stupid, stupid Amelia.

“You have nothing to apologize for.” Jinx spoke, sliding a firm arm around my shoulders until she was able to pull me closer. “Lean on me, I’ve got you.” A sob broke through the cacophony of wheezes as I burrowed my face into the crook of her arm. “Caitlyn and Ellie are on their way, just keep taking deep breaths for me, okay?” I forced a nod as I held onto her arm and let the tears soak into the fabric of her jacket.

It seemed like only a few moments later I heard the rushed sound of feet on the surrounding ground. My lungs only getting tighter and tighter by the second as Caitlyn nearly tripped over her own two feet rushing to the space underneath the tree. “I’m here! Mills, I’m here, I’ve got your backup.” She spoke in an out of breath voice as if she had sprinted the entire way here.

Immediately I forced my hands out to grip the inhaler and shove it in between my lips, sending a blast of the medicated air through my lungs. Afterwards I still held the device in my hands like it was the only thing providing me comfort. Caitlyn gently smoothed out my hair with a soft hand. “You can do a second one, if you need to.” She spoke as I sat there still, holding the device in between my lips even afterwards.

Sometimes I think the person who had supposedly ‘knitted me in my mother’s womb’ actually hated me. Autism wasn’t enough, so we had had to complicate things with severe hypersensitivity in my airways that could’ve been correlated to a development of asthma. Every time I thought I was moving forward and not becoming such a medical nightmare however it was usually squandered by an incident such as this one.

“Thank you for taking care of her, Jinx.” I could tell Caitlyn was biting back her pride as she promptly took me into her arms. For some reason the familiar feeling of my sister’s embrace making me want to cry a hundred times harder. She was always such a quick way to get me to calm down. I always felt bad whenever she had to drop everything and come running. Now for the second day in a row. “My place is pretty close if you want me to take you there. Get you out of here.”

I nodded against Caitlyn’s shirt before trying to pry my face from where it was hidden in her chest. “Jinx, can you text Ellie the address?” I asked, grateful for the stability that was somewhat creeping back into my voice.

“Sure- do- do you want me to come too?” She wondered almost hesitantly as she pushed herself up to her feet. Her usually playful eyes now softened as she still cautiously held onto my phone.

“If it isn’t too much trouble… s-sure.” I nodded with a tearful and weak smile.

Caitlyn hoisted me up onto my still shaking legs where I leaned most of my weight against her. I could tell part of her wanted to carry me like she had done in the past. Like she started doing the moment she hit her growth spurt claiming she wanted me to ‘see what it’s like up there.’ I almost even wanted her to myself, but not here. Not around so many people. I couldn’t make things even worse for myself.

“No, it’s not any trouble at all.” Jinx said sincerely before going to scoop up my backpack for me. “I’ll get all of our things.”

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