#been holding that back big time
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“[character] eats people” not in a condemning hannibal or whatever as immoral art kind of way but “they eat people” in a trying to get people to appreciate the lack of easy answers to tokyo ghoul morals way
#i'm back on my 'tokyo ghoul doesn't work and is imo borderline offensive as an allegory for irl social evils' soapbox everyone#actually i'm quite mad at the former group bc do u have any idea how many times i wanna go 'ghouls eat ppl' to a take#but i can't bc 1) not their problem but also 2) it makes me sound like the fun police even though thats the OPPOSITE of what i'm going for#ahhh i have been in this dump long enough to see fandom go full circle from 'blue curtains are depression' to 'blue curtains are blue'#and now back again to the former but if the blue curtains are duct taped to a windowless wall im gonna wonder how the hell you missed that#been having all kinds of fun in a tg server the last few months but now i want someone to talk about the foolishness i suffer THERE with#I'm to the point of hoping someone pops off with something even my new friends think is ridiculous#so i can argue with someone outright bc being diplomatic about ppl dead seriously playing the genocide card hurts sometimes#like guys i am more than content to just be the happy little suzumutsu mascot handspringing down the field#don't try to get pedantic about the irl definition of genocide and expect the doves advocate to agree with you#get it devils advocate but i said doves#also just in general im noticing i don't love having stimulating fandom discussions with ppl who only have lit analysis to fall back on#like... don't you have life experience or vast knowledge on anything BUT themes and motifs and shit to lend you a unique perspective?#that last part is just a me thing and I'm selective about it myseof based on what i like bc fandom is for fun but yeah#been holding that back big time
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please god make the "three time winner of the best bard of mondstadt" one of the earliest pieces of evidence we got for the samsara without us knowing it at the time because it would be so fucking funny
#imagine: teyvat actually dies and we have start a new samsara#and this time (because he might as well sell himself for what he's worth dammit) he's all like “Four time winner of the blah blah whatever”#and the traveler's just like. uhm. wait-#or imagine the way we find out is that mondstadt actually holds a best bard competition#and when venti inevitably wins they make a really big and obvious thing of mentioning how#“no one by that name has won this competition in all the CENTURIES that we've been keeping records for it so congrats on your FIRST WIN”#so there's this whole thing with venti trying to convince the traveler that he wasn't technically lying to them#and then obviously floundering as they back him into a corner As He Does#it would be really nice is all i'm saying#venti
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why doesnt the big natsume just eat the little natsume
#literally so obsessed w the big natsunui i need to hold him all the time always constantly#i am the little girl in a horror movie and he is my slightly unsettling possibly possessed doll that i bring with me everywhere i go#And yes that is a jerma stream highlight in the back i miss him so fucking bad its not even funny#oh and sorry for not posting alot. No real reason ive just been chilling#nat rambles
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Maybe requestober prompt of soft?
Day 5 - Pile o' plushies
#My art#Requestober#Webkinz#Original#Tala#A whole big bunch of plushies! Everyone here is a plush! ♥#Or well I guess Embroidery (Floppy Eared Bunny) isn't she's a digital pet but everyone else is!#Tala lives on the same shelf as my Webkinz - or at least the one's that I've got on display#Some are still lost in the shuffle - specifically my horses for some reason?? What's with that#Sapphire (lilKinz Unicorn) at least makes some degree of sense since she's so small but I found Duke and Halloween!#(Which are the lilKinz Basset Hound and Oriole respectively - isn't it fun that certain birds were lilKinz exclusives hehe)#Of the group she's the only one missing tho - everyone else is here and now!#Got all the full sized 'Kinz on one side - Sugar (Googles) Fluffy (Pink Poodle) and Diamond (B+W Cat) were my first three <3#Although lol I never got to play with Diamond digitally because her gift-giver wasn't familiar with the concept so got rid of her tag#Someday tho!#I've recently gotten back into Webkinz (again lol) and brought smol with me this time :)#It's been fun! Though it's had me itching to go shopping for codes and plushies again lol#There's one Webkinz that looks Kind of similar to Tala's plush form but I've never owned it so I opted to just leave her as herself#It might be fun to see if I could get that one and have her in-game haha#Webkinz are definitely her jam :) She's fully adopted Mimzy (Whimsy Dragon) as well!#I don't hold out a lot of hope of recovering my old account at this point but I would like to recreate my old cast if I can#Several are available in the eShop! Or at least aren't retired so#Plus the thrill of the hunt is fun >:3c#But just the thought of play is enjoyable ♪ Of the rest and softness hehe <3
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I wonder if Rystal appearing at the Crystal Pool means that she remembered that event somehow in the past or some bits of it and knew that Terapagos would be okay.
The alternative being that Rystal lost literally everything and had to live her whole life not knowing what happened to everyone.
#been thinking a lot about rystal because her life post rakua is so compelling to think about..#the alternative is too cruel because she had to mourn losing the person she loves and pagogo/the six heroes and had to raise leyla alone#lucius probably didn't even know he was going to have a child :/ which is also heartbreaking.#they probably both had big dreams of adventuring as a family#and if they were friends with gibeon. who might or might not be involved in what happened to lucius.#that means rystal also lost a friend and had to wonder what happened to him#and she probably hoped that terapagos would come back but he never awakened again in her lifetime#so i am holding onto the shred of hope that somehow through time paradox stuff.#she might remember meeting everyone or consider it a dream she had. and knew/hoped that pagogo would be in good hands#and be relieved that lucius's pokemon are safe#and also happy that her family kept going on etc.#rystal#hz074#character notes#episode notes
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why is so much of sewing just tracing and cutting and tracing again q_q i see why people get projectors and use adobe illustrator now
#drawing up a design that i can easily pattern from my sloper: 😊#actually having to make the pattern by tracing and cutting ad infinitum: 😰#piecing together printer paper to get a big enough sheet of paper and doing this ten million times: 🥲😭#not to mention the IRONING.... prewashing the fabric and having to iron 8 yards of fabric???? excuse me????#and then distorting it as i iron bc it has a slight stretch and i got so tired i stopped being careful 2 yards in#and the way that you're supposed to press every seam... excuse me... am i just supposed to have my iron heated and on standby at all times#AND THE STEAM??? i just got stay tape the other day and thought it'd be a neat alternative to stay stitching#BUT IT NEEDS STEAM TO ACTIVATE (which okay makes sense) BUT long story short i'm too afraid to use the steam function#on my iron because none of us are sure if water should go back into a tank that's been in disuse for 30+ years#so instead i get this water spray pen and delicately spray down the length of each piece of stay tape#before i cover it with a piece of gauze and iron it. and then i have to iron it extra so all the water actually evaporates#oh and the spray pen holds as much water as half a pen so i have to walk to the kitchen every 10 sprays to refill it#and i have to do this for every curved edge on my pattern pieces#i mean the alternative is just stay stitching but then i would have to calibrate my settings for a single layer of fabric instead of double#which means i have to switch my needle out more and i'm still new enough that sometimes i install a needles wrong despite going through#all the same exact motions that i usually would. i'm LITERALLY suffering out here. anyway can't wait to sew or whatever#oh and did i mention i went to a sewing meetup recently? yeah...#everyone there bought like $30-$100/yard fabric and i was there awkwardly knowing i only buy like $12/yard fabric#honestly though i have the opposite problem people usually joke about. i find it So hard to find fabric i actually like#it needs to be the right fiber + right color + right pattern/texture + right weight + i have to know exactly what i'm going to make with it
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if i had a nickel for every blorbo that was made into a jesus christ allegory i would have two nickels.
#first we have THEE nacho varga christ superstar moment#and now viktor arcane. okay. sure#not to mention the big brown cow eyes and narrative damnation#thoughts from the void#you know how many times i have been on arcanetwt today and had to PHYSICALLY hold back a#‘welcome back jesus of nazareth’#so many.
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opening the group chat for the first time today and there's like 200 new messages because everyone's Going Through It today it seems but one of my friends dropped 'I'm separating from [terrible boyfriend she's been living with for like eight years] for real this time, I just moved a bunch of stuff to my parents' and I'm losing my mind because y'all the subject changed almost immediately HEY HI EVERYBODY ELSE SHUT THE FUCK UP I WANNA HEAR ABOUT THAT???
#'I moved my stuff and my dog' can't leave the pup behind! 'I had to last winter and it was a big reason I wound up going back' HELLO--#was he holding your fucking dog over your head. I will kill the man?????#I DIDN'T KNOW SHE'S TRIED TO LEAVE HIM BEFORE??#I'm-- so-- okay listen. admittedly I am of course simply nosy. of course I am.#but also I have never liked david Ever. justin and I were LITERALLY talking DAYS ago about Worrying About Her being stuck with him#because she moved TO CALIFORNIA with him and he was being a piece of shit then and she had NOBODY out there#and now they're in denver and like. it's his house it's his money etc etc it's a really... logistically difficult situation#but at least she's made some friends in denver and convinced her parents to move out there so she's not COMPLETELY unsupported#like she was in CA#my point is: I'm nosey but I'm also INVESTED. I fucking hate this guy darling I've wanted you to leave him this entire goddamn time#she's talked *a little* about problems with him before but also we've been around him before and he's just generally awful#and it's. like. I'm so so so fucking glad you're moving in with your parents but also. genuinely are you OKAY--#MAN AND ALSO. EVEN IF IT WASN'T 'I HATE THIS GUY AND I'M WORRIED ABOUT WHAT THE BREAKING POINT WAS--'#THIS IS A SERIOUS LONGTERM RELATIONSHIP? IT ENDING IS A BIG DEAL REGARDLESS?? WHY DID WE CHANGE THE SUBJECT SO FAST HELLO#.... actually I've identified the source of my Wanting More Details#which is: hey babe are you in a phase of this where hearing about how much he fucking sucks shit would be upsetting or affirming.#because I wanna tell you how fucking happy I am that you're leaving him. because he's a piece of shit and you deserve better than that.#ARE YOU IN AN EMOTIONAL SPACE TO HEAR ABOUT HOW I AM SCOOPING YOU INTO MY ARMS LIKE THE CAT SAMURAI MEME.#AND THREATENING THIS MAN WITH A SWORD. BECAUSE HE'S TERRIBLE. CAN I GET A VIBE CHECK THERE. SHOULD I WAIT--
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from the stuff i’ve heard marc’s former honda teammates (dani jorge and pol in their media careers but joan also i guess) say about him now that they’re racing is generally quite positive, both on a professional/riding level but also seemingly on a personal level? i’m wondering what you make of that given that, yeah, marc doesn’t seem like a very good teammate (unless you’re alex who i’ve left off this list). like MARC wants to separate on and off track stuff and it seems like all of these guys are willing too at least in retrospect, so he can’t have truly burned bridges with them. do you have any thoughts on that
(x, x) most riders are quite good at not burning bridges with each other! it's not like marc's competitors don't know that this stuff is kinda part of the game. I mean, all of marc's past teammates were also trying to assert themselves within the internal hierarchy... you can say that certain teammates engage in 'worse' behaviour than others, but, like, these people do understand they're supposed to be fighting each other! a baseline degree of nastiness is factored in and will be accepted to a greater or lesser extent by your rivals - especially when it comes to asserting yourself in intra-team power struggles. you might hate the other guy in the moment, but generally speaking once the active part of the rivalry is done with... you will probably get over it. marc's fellow riders are aware of how ultra-competitive marc is - and to a certain point they do respect it, not least because they're aware that this is part of the reason why marc has ended up with all those titles. it's like dani said, right, it's marc's strong suit. and in general, you do have to say that there's relatively few teammate pairings that devolve to the level of toxicity that it completely destroys the interpersonal relationship. you might need some level of preexisting animosity... most of the purely competitive sins can be healed with a little time
on the 'separating on-track and off-track' thing... well. this is kind of a question of how you define these things, you can say that marc generally speaking isn't going to massively hold grudges over isolated on-track incidents or whatever... but he doesn't just leave his fighting to the track, and personally I've also never felt he can entirely separate these things out in his mind. can you really say his professional and private relationships with other riders are completely detached from one another? mostly, he's opted to be pretty disengaged from his fellow riders as a collective, and obviously that's a good way to not take things too personally... it's all part of the game, isn't it? sometimes it's good to go with the straightforward approach: marc tells you he will make your life hell, he does indeed make your life hell, and then you both move on with your lives and can maybe actually have a pretty amiable relationship with him in years to come. he's not really defying your expectations at any point here, is he now? it's still a question for each of them as individuals as to whether they think that kind of behaviour is above board and acceptable or not... but everyone by now knows that marc plays these games, so it's not like they're going in blind
and it's not like other former teammates are constantly badmouthing each other. I mean... look, let's just cut to the chase here and bring in valentino as our reference point (as he is for the sport as a whole, which by the way does also help create a certain baseline of acceptability for marc's antics - maybe goated riders are just supposed to be dicks who knows). vale's premier class teammates were 1) nobody (2000-01), 2) tohru ukawa (2002), 3) nicky hayden (2003; 2011-12), 4) carlos checa (2004), 5) colin edwards (2005-2007), 6) jorge lorenzo (2008-10; 2013-16), 7) maverick vinales (2017-20), 8) franco morbidelli (2021), and 9) andrea dovizioso (2021). of these eight men (let's just exclude 'nobody' for now), do you know how many had serious complaints at any point about valentino as a teammate? that's right, it's one guy. one. some of valentino's other teammates, like hayden, checa and edwards, were even quite actively positive about their whole experience. this is the thing - you do need some specific circumstances for teammate rivalries to escalate from 'being kinda bitchy every other month' to 'actively fantasising about stabbing each other'. not accounting for natural interpersonal animosity, let's list some circumstantial factors that you need to get a bridge-burning-worthy level of feud:
you need a competitive bike. it is possible to beef about development direction when you're in the trenches (cf late 2010's yamaha, 2020's honda)... but generally speaking this is going to be quite low-level petty stuff, not actual war
you also need something that approaches competitiveness between teammates. if one teammate is unquestionably stronger than the other one, then it is very unlikely that you are going to get any open hostilities. the tension comes when the two sides are close enough to each other for the internal hierarchy to actually be a contentious issue (this is also basic self preservation... if you're the far weaker teammate then you do not want to make the situation troublesome, because then you will be the one to be fired)
following on from those first two things... well, it doesn't hurt to have a title fight in the mix. there are also other ways you can generate competitive stakes, like, for instance, if you and your teammate know that one of you will be out of a job soon. basically, it helps to have something to squabble over
it is maybe easy to forget how rare it is this century for teammates to be fighting directly for a title, let alone over the course of multiple seasons. only two 1-2's since the year 2000 and they're both for the factory yamaha's (though 2006, 2011-13 and 2017 did all prominently feature two factory hondas). which means that for valentino, the prerequisites were met just the once in his premier class career... and yes, the results were pretty memorable, but (topic! for! another! post!) it's worth pointing out that even that relationship was pretty much 'fine' whenever there was a sizeable disparity between the two of them performance-wise (2008 and 2013 are the most clear cut examples). I think the way I'd frame it with marc is that he has a bunch of mildly dubious strategies up his sleeve to assert himself within the team, which don't really deviate that far from what you'd expect from a rider of marc's calibre and only need to be escalated under specific circumstances. that doesn't mean he doesn't have the potential to be ruthless, but up until now it's mostly been a fairly 'acceptable' level of ruthlessness on the intra-team level... and not something that is likely to make other riders actually hate him
taking marc's teammates one by one... dani was the closest to meeting the bridge-burning prerequisites, though he was only a title rival in marc's rookie season. and marc did go further with him than he did with anyone else, and dani has made some pointed comments about marc's style as a teammate... but yes, he is fonder of marc these days. partly I'd just emphasise again that this is a fairly natural progression when you've stopped directly competing for long enough, and partly it's also just a question of individual personality - dani's not massively into holding grudges. then there's jorge, who... I mean, they might as well not have been teammates, given that jorge was either too slow or too injured to even be sharing any track space with marc. you have to put that one down primarily to circumstance, seeing as jorge's own track record on the teammate front isn't exactly spotless. marc and jorge beefing in 2019 would have been pretty dumb and also a massive waste of everyone's time in a year in which marc singlehandedly won the team's championship. even those two needed more to get things going
moving on to the dark years, pol and marc had an extremely stop-and-start partnership on a honda that was generally pretty uncompetitive... so the only stuff they could get ever so mildly irritable about were riveting incidents like 'marc saying pol wasn't the biggest championship threat' (neither of them were) or 'pol saying he'd copy marc's set up' (which proved entirely useless). not exactly title decider territory, is it now, and marc very much had pol covered as a challenger throughout their partnership. also, those two do have a longer history! they've known each other since they were kids and hold a pretty significant place in each other's careers. now that pol's more or less retired, it's natural there'll be quite a lot of sentimentality there - which will paper over any small cracks that appeared during those two years. and joan was a one year teammate at a time in which the bike was consistently close to offing them both. they only managed to start a sunday race together as teammates on thirteen occasions. it would take some serious effort to engineer a feud with that little opportunity, and, really, why on earth would you bother. maybe if honda had gone for rinsy rather than joan for the factory seat, it could've been a bit more prickly, but it's unlikely that it would have escalated beyond that
this is the thing, right, the only one of these partnerships that would have been worth burning bridges over was dani, and even there marc pretty much had him handled after the first season. in general, marc has been pretty clear on how he's not interested in making friends with the other side of the garage while the teammate relationship is ongoing... which is fine! there's some prominent-ish teammate pairings that are actually good friends, some teammate pairings where one of them is actively helping out and advising the other one, but some riders prefer to just keep their distance. it would have been a little silly of marc to start a feud with a teammate who is galaxies away from being a competitive threat, let alone a title rival, but generally it is possible to toe the line between 'attempting to suppress your internal rivals enough to stop them from becoming a problem for you' and 'taking radical enough action to make your internal rivals despise you'
especially in the post-dani era, marc never really had any need to push things too far... and, let's face it, how many of your teammate relationships end up with burnt bridges is also quite frankly a question of luck and circumstance. do you want to guess which top rider on paper has the worst track record this century with premier class teammate feuds, in terms of a) how many they've had, and b) how little public reconciliation there has been since the end of the rivalry?
yes, that's right, it's the first name that comes to mind when you're thinking of toxic and conflict-prone riders: andrea dovizioso. that old devil, constantly causing trouble. just couldn't stop undermining his poor, innocent teammates. can somebody please stop this ruthless bully before it's too late
I think you get the point. I would personally suggest that dovi is not in fact the worst teammate it is possible to have in a motogp top team. he just happened to find himself in a situation where he was teammates with two separate guys he did not click with at all, in situations that involved a pairing of riders who were (or had the potential to be) competitive with each other, as well as some proper stakes attached to the rivalry. in general, situational factors are going to determine this stuff more than anything else... and marc more often than not does have a reasonably good feel for picking his battles. he's flirted with the line, but he's mostly avoided crossing it. he hasn't had to
#'joan also i guess' hold on now anon that's his former teammate relationship that's most important to ME i love them...#elephant in the room is 'let's revisit this in 1.5 years time'. ik people will try to make that just about the vr46 factor but *shrug*#i kinda feel like maybe i should have mentioned in the casey/marc post that casey is arguably more of an outlier than marc is#like his alienation with the sport ran deep which is how you get him engaging in melandri slander who was pee one million in 2008#y'know casey/jorge ducati was a real possibility for a hot second and my take on that would ALSO be 'hm yeah maybe not <3'#ESPECIALLY given that it's quite likely the incoming jorge would've been paid way way more than casey was ('09 ducati... let's not even)#AND given how yamaha had repeatedly burnt casey and then handed jorge the seat on a silver platter... like idk man!!#genuinely fascinating '10 counterfactual... i do like casey/marc but i've also game planned casey/vale and casey/jorge i'm a completionist#(either dani or vale would've likely won the title in that timeline. but crucially casey/jorge interpersonally would've been. well)#//#brr brr#alien tag#batsplat responds#morale tag#i need an ask tag so badly but i can't be bothered to back tag... i'll do it at some point#in my notes i did once actually rank the aliens by how much they'd suck as teammates but the order might be a wee bit controversial#i'm sorry to the guy i ranked number one but he did objectively have the worst track record like... it has to be said#i think u have like. different modes right. where how bad u are as a teammate is scaled to how big the threat ur facing is#now EYE actually think marc's not got a particularly *great* neutral mode either but it's not bridge-burning mode#also what even is a burnt bridge... i mean god knows even valentino and jorge are taking photos together these days...#jorge's still conducting autopsies of old beef every fortnight but otoh he's joking about motegi on instagram which is crazyyyyyy#you genuinely cannot. CANNOT convince me that if marc/jorge had had a title fight as teammates it wouldn't have been a MESS#there is literally no way. none whatsoever#and if i said dani had a higher number of strained premier class teammate relationships than valentino did... what then...
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"idk i can delegate tasks in group projects just fine"
the "just fine" in question:
#ocpd#cluster c#netzwerk thoughts#back then we(system) used to just do everything in every project and just give people flash cards to read out of#but this time we've been warned like ten times to not do that .#so uh. sweats#this is the closest we'll get to delegating tasks i think#by holding everyone's hand through every step#this is a 3 minute presentation btw#so uh. cant wait when ill have to do big projects while still having to delegate tasks#i think ill just die actually
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One last round of field notes 📝
#ted lasso#ted x rebecca#rebecca welton#teddy boy#otp: you liven up the place#m*ne#mine: lasso#honestly i am trying to manage my expectations#i respect their story whatever it is#but when i put my big girl objective hat on i'm almost more convinced???#like these aren't tin hat things this is the foundation they laid!!!#the cuts!!! THE CUTS!!#people will return to the christmas episode year after year so it has to hold up within the larger narrative and tHEY DID THAT???#deborah asks the naked man in rebecca's kitchen 'will there be biscuits with that'!!!!! when one person notably keeps rebecca in biscuits!!!#that one puts me over the edge#like why else?!?!? WHY ELSE?!?!?!?!#i mean as a writer as an i daresay media-literate person.... narratively..... why. else.#been a long time since a proper tag rant we're back baby
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i love being a multi shipper because i will go through phases where my favourite ship is sugakage and nothing else and then the following week i'm simultaneously shipping all of the karasuno normal pairs (kagehina, tsukkiyama, daisuga, asanoya) and then the week after that i'm only exclusively shipping kitaran and writing 30 drafts for them in the span of 5 days, only to stop abruptly because suddenly i'm only interested in the crushing heartbreak yachi must have felt deep down attempting kiyoko's wedding having been her gay awakening (she's so happy to see her friend happy and she feels guilty about feeling upset but she was head-over-heels for kiyoko and now she's watching her walk down the aisle and she looks just as beautiful as she did when they met, if not more beautiful, and she feels butterflies in her stomach just like she did then and she's so jealous of tanaka and ohhhh the guilt is soooo real) and then i'll go back to shipping some fuckass tobio ship but maybe make them women or something idk and the cycle repeats
#anyone else do this?#lol right now i'm in my “karasuno normal pairs” phase#tsukkiyama is in my brain big time. and kagehina. and i saw a post about how noya could easily hold a fish that was 94kg#(asahi weighs 74kg. noya could lift that man into his arms without breaking a sweat and it's been driving me insane lately)#admittedly i haven't been big on daisuga but takeukai (albeit fem) have taken their place and i think that counts#can't wait to enter my kiyoyachi incredibly painful pining phase for a bit#and then go back to osakage or yamakage or something#hell. maybe even oikage#kenkage anyone? any ushikage shippers in the chat? any fellas down for some iwakage?#i love tobio like a son and by god does he deserved to be loved in so many different ways by so many different people#MF KINKUNIKAGE. DO YOU SEE THE VISION??????#volleyball guys
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I feel so sad this sucks i can't stop thinking about doing everything wrong with v I feel like im gonna cry I hate going to sleep early the day after I stay up it's just hours of laying down with stupid train of thoughts that come at night and I can't sleep I just want to sleep I don't want to feel so awful in the morning I don't want to feel awful right now I wish I could just get my thoughts in order get to the point and cry and be done with it. Nothing is going to change from yesterday to today to tomorrow I will just have been miserable and things won't change because of it I wish the world was kinder I wish the world wasn't so cruel I wish things were different I want to cry and now I can't even feel that anymore.
#i was going to save this in drafts but fuck off its my blog and the only time posting my feelings bled into real life it was with v#and it was a good thing i wish i had the fucking guts and wisdom to recognize and talk about#godddddd i feel like ripping apart my body thinking about things i did why couldnt you have been smarter better why were you you#i want to go back and be a different better me than the real me#i need to have been better what the fuck was wrong with me#big lungful of air later i will not be cruel to a naive and inexperienced younger me but god i wish i was better#theres more life theres more time its fine live with it and continue#jesus christ#i wish i could just cry my whole body feels stuck#im physically holding in the emotions out of instinct#out of old habits borne from doing anything to avoid the pain and now its stuck in my fucking chest#get out of meeeee#let me sleeeeeeep its the AM now these emo feelings are lack of sleep bullshitttttt#god i want ti call off work im quiting soon anyways#and i wont#fuck
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Red Eyes and Evil Time, practically the same thing right (Patreon)
#Doodles#Villainsona#Just Desserts#Sona double feature!#Red Eyes and Evil Time /are/ different for the record lol#There's overlap and they're both eye details but they're different#Mmm Red Eyes feels so niiiice <3 And I've been pacing myself so it's Just Red Eyes!#No red shines :) Which can happen even on Red Eyes#In fact it's probably more common - the red shines on Blue Eyes was something of an oddity#No one knows the lore except me I'll explain someday lol#For now it's just fun to be in Red Eyes! :D And the occasional Evil Time as well lol - all the overlaps!#I somehow accidentally made a like?? Cotton Candied Popcorn themed outfit for Eli for the first one lol that wasn't my intention#I mean it's cute I'm not about to fight it lol I'd love for my sonas to have other clothes inspired by each other haha#Eli's eyes are still quite fun to draw as well haha those bright pops of colour - Red Purple or Blue they're all so stark and shaped#Back to their classic feminine outfit good for them uwu#Silly lad#They're also still a scientist first and foremost - it's all chemicals there's gotta be a way to recreate it externally!#Local vampire scientist creates mood stabilizers more at 7 lol#I'm quite pleased with the three-red two-purple one-blue gradient as well hehe - the decay! :D I like it as a visual#Charm tiiime <3 <3 Happy Charm time in Evil Time! Usually better than bad mood Evil Time lol - at least for those around her#Still chaotic to be in it haha - but happy chaos is happy! Lol#Again more fun with eyes the light bounce in the one where she's holding the melt is so cute and looks so nice on my paper too <3#I had a silly comic idea for her for the next time I get into Red Eyes as well - if I remember lol#Big Love is hearts! It just makes sense#Also I am Really proud of the cleaning job I did on that last one lol - from original to this? Night and day ngl#Guess that goes to show how little cleaning I do on-page lol#For some I do! Others...#Still thinking up outfits - you can probably just make out ''Hero Charm'' in her hair lol trying to think around different themes#Something that could become something else! Add or subtract an element and it changes the ''meaning'' of the outfit#Kinda like her initial caped design that Kaiein rejected hmmm
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#having a creative rut feeling#gonna rant#im basically a giant baby and i don't handle angst very well#and i constantly worry that im just. idk mentally weak or a deeply uninteresting person bc of it.#every big fantasy artist i see is usually very into making sad or angsty pieces and like i wish i was like that#like i fall into this mental hole very very often that im just holding myself back with how many subjects i dont write or draw#but also like when i DO write dark subjects it doesn't make me feel any better??#i dont like feeling sad or angry bc once i am its extremely hard to get back out of it.#and thats scary for me.#but also i want to make art that means something instead of my nonestop slew of smut and feelgood content.#i genuinely feel so trapped by my own emotions and its sp frustrating.#i keep getting told how good for you it is to get the negative feelings out but it never helps when i do it#i just feel. worse? i dont feel good.#i kinda wanna delete the one cloud post bc it just doesn't feel good.#ugh#idk i want to have good intelligent things to say and thoughtful art to make#and everything i make feels soft and cheesey and lame.#not that i find those things lame#but just that it feels like im stuck in baby brain.#when i was a teen i would write horror stories!!! i still love horror!!!#but if i make someone suffer in fic now it feels me with this awful awful overwhelming sense of dread and guilt and i end up so upset#im frustrated at me bc this is such a fucking weird sensitivity to have. im tried of telling myself its okay#bc i WANT to feel mentally free enough to create shit that isnt just uwu soft.#i don't think im making sense but like.#you know#I've literally been bullied out of fandom spaces for only making soft content#multiple times.#so idk maybe this is a learned sense of shame#but i feel like a big over sensitive baby and like I'd be able to do so much more if i wasn't#vent ish
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Are you sound of mind
As much as I ever am blehhhhhhhh blehhhhhhhh
#rian’s slay compilation#my grandma’s dementia hasn’t been too hot lately#you and I should go to the nearest Joann fabrics once I come back. need to buy fabric for my capri sun satchel#also you should give me big hug and reassure me of the important role I hold in your life platonically. but like written down maybe.#I’ll make everyone do them at my going away party#oh also um next time you take a nap on me could it be like… beside me? I don’t wanna like cuddle cuddle but I’d like to nap alongside you.#i get sleepy too#like. leg on top of the other maybe? or one arm wrapped around back. side hug
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