#because there really isn’t a way to truly encapsulate it ESPECIALLY if you have a negative opinion going in

[maxdibert]

It’s the old chestnut that Snape fans from the livejournal days will recognize from discussions of Deathly Hallows when it first came out - the morality of the story basically boils down to ‘it’s fine when a Gryffindor does it’. Encapsulated by that low moment when Harry casts an Unforgivable and McGonagall approves of his gallantry rather than being horrified by what war makes of children. There’s a horrible streak of predestination to her characters. If a character is pretty, reasonably provided for, and sorted into Gryffindor then they are good even if their actions are by any objective standard not. If they’re unloved from birth, they remained unloved. Snape had to die without Harry ever having to reckon with the living man in the full knowledge of his true loyalties because she didn’t know what to do with the one character who wrote himself out of that binary.

For me, the best example of this is Tom Riddle. Rowling establishes that Tom is incapable of feeling affection because he wasn’t conceived out of love, essentially implying in a children’s series that if your parents didn’t truly love each other and you were the result of a poorly handled drunken night, then your life is more or less cursed. It’s like saying that if you aren’t born into a traditional nuclear family and your conception happened under questionable circumstances, then you’re doomed to choose the wrong path, that you’re somehow less of a person, that you won’t be able to feel the same way as others. This was something I thought when his backstory was revealed in the books, and honestly, even back then, as a teenager, I found it horrifying. Especially because, both in my case and that of most people around me, our families are quite dysfunctional or far from conventional, so that really hit me the wrong way.

Rowling has a very conservative worldview in general, and she projects that into the world she’s created through the moral foundations that govern it. As you rightly said, there’s no room in that story for people who weren’t born into privileged environments. If you were unlucky enough to be poor, to have parents who didn’t love you, or to have any sort of illness, then you’re either going to end up being really evil or even poorer and more miserable than rats. This ties into the blatant classism present in her work. And I’m not just referring to the blood-status dichotomy, but to the subtle classism that Rowling normalizes in her narrative, which is less subtle than she likely believes, because she probably isn’t even aware of it. It’s just another projection of her own biases. Rowling rewards characters who do good, even though they’ve always had it easy because they come from functional backgrounds, with the tools to make good decisions, positive role models, and healthy emotional relationships with their surroundings. Essentially, she glorifies people who were raised to be good for doing good, as if that were some kind of achievement. On the other hand, she demonizes characters simply because they don’t fit into her moral framework, without taking into account the social background that shaped them. She blames these characters for not overcoming their past, their traumas, and their hardships, for not somehow magically learning the difference between right and wrong, while completely ignoring all the socioeconomic and cultural mechanisms that play a huge role in shaping one’s worldview, especially in the choices made during youth when one is most vulnerable.

Basically, Rowling displays a complete cognitive dissonance in her work, creating very similar characters with equally reprehensible behaviors but treating them in completely different ways just because one reminds her of her high school crush and the other of a guy she didn’t like. And that’s a huge mistake and a sign of mediocre character development.

[stroobae]

Okay so basically I got to do a presentation about chapter 30 from The Dream Thieves in my Creative Writing class and I got way to carried away writing a full analysis so I thought I'd post it here

I think this passage is so great because it's packed with symbols that completely encapsulate the character of Ronan Lynch. Firstly, we have Ronan’s tattoo, which holds a lot of significance in terms of its literal purpose and what it figuratively represents. We learn here that the literal purpose of the tattoo is to instill fear and intimidation among others. Ronan is a very damaged person, and uses his physical appearance as a warning sign for others to steer clear of him after his father dies. He has a shaved head, a permanent scowl, and most intimidating of all: a tattoo which stretches from the back of his neck all the way down to his waist. His tattoo has a lot of grotesque, frightening imagery in it, which is interesting considering its design is made up of “things from his head.” The fact that the dark imagery portrayed in his tattoo is from his head reveals the struggles and dark things that come out of his own mind. His tattoo is a literal manifestation of Ronan’s inner self portrayed in a scene on his back. He’s quite literally wearing his heart on his sleeve (or on his back rather). It’s also mentioned that Ronan has never been able to see the tattoo fully, because it’s on his back. It can only be seen by others standing behind him, and also, when he’s naked (which is something I’ll come back to later). I think that the placement of his tattoo specifically is a really important metaphor alongside the idea that Ronan’s tattoo represents his whole character and inner self. The fact that Ronan cannot see the whole picture of himself and only “bits and pieces” seems like a large indicator that Ronan doesn’t know fully who he is. In the prologue of The Dream Thieves, it’s stated that Ronan has three secrets, all of different natures; the nature of the second secret being one you keep even from yourself. So essentially, Ronan has a part of himself which he doesn't even truly understand, and I think that this is really accentuated by the fact that he can't see his whole tattoo (his inner self) because it's always behind him. However, others also can’t see the whole tattoo unless he takes his shirt off to show them. (BIG THING FOR LATER!)

In the epilogue of TDT you find out (along with Ronan himself) that he’s in love with one of his best friends, Adam. During this chapter, the reader hasn’t been told yet that Ronan is in love with Adam; mostly because the book follows his point of view, and he doesn’t actually know this about himself yet either. It’s made into a plot twist of sorts in the epilogue, and many readers said that they weren’t aware that it was coming at all. A lot of people felt that Ronan’s crush on Adam came out of nowhere. But if you’re me and love to look WAY too deep into every single line of a book, you’ll know that this isn’t the case at all. This dream is a dead giveaway of Ronan’s feelings. First of all, dreams–especially the way that they’re portrayed in this book–are a look into one’s inner conscience. Your dreams are able to display your deepest feelings and desires, even if you’re not consciously aware of them in real life. Ronan especially is a character who has walls built up, and doesn't verbally communicate how he feels to any other character. He doesn’t even allow himself to examine his own feelings/desires, and has a lack of self-vulnerability and personal emotional intelligence. So in his dreams, his most inner part of himself comes to the forefront of his mind and shows him things he didn’t even know he wanted. To validate this idea, we have the fact that Ronan can fully see his whole tattoo in this dream. His tattoo represents his inner self, and he is finally able to see this part of himself within his dream. The dream begins with Dream Adam tracing his tattoo, and in Latin (which I’ll unpack later) he says,“Scio quid hoc est” which roughly translates to “I know what this is.” Once again, returning to the idea that Ronan’s tattoo is a manifestation of himself, we have Adam physically touching it and telling Ronan he knows what the tattoo means. He understands its whole purpose; why Ronan got it, what it’s really depicting. Dream Adam isn’t intimidated by the tattoo like most people because of its gruesome imagery, but instead he knows that it’s really made up of things from Ronan’s conscience, that it’s a representation of who he is inside. What’s really being portrayed in this scene is Ronan’s desire to be truly known by someone, which is a common theme in the series. The fact that the person shown “knowing” Ronan in his dream is Adam specifically is really important as well. Up until this point, we know that Adam and Ronan are friends, their relationship is shown to be tense and is characterized by squabbles which are resolved by the end of the day. We don’t really know exactly how they feel about each other yet based on their surface level interactions. Therefore, this chapter is extremely important in developing their relationship. We now know partly about how Ronan truly feels about Adam. Not necessarily what their relationship currently is, but what he subconsciously wants it to be. Ronan wants to be known by Adam and believes that he has this capability, since it’s Adam who fills this role in his dream. 

In the dream, Dream Adam then transforms into Kavinsky, who’s the antagonist in this installment. Kavinsky is an adrenaline junky who’s presented to have an infatuation with Ronan. He gets him to do crazy things: dangerously drag race in the streets, take questionable dreamt-pills, and throw molotov cocktails at white Mitsubishis. He’s infatuated with Ronan mainly because of Ronan’s outward reputation and appearance, his mutual love for perilous activities, and the fact that they share the supernatural ability to take things out of their dreams. Kavinsky wants someone to enable him; who he can be an enabler to. Kavinsky thinks that they’re one in the same, and that Ronan is an exemplary candidate for a self-destructive partner. In Ronan’s dream, when Adam turns into Kavinsky, Ronan disappears entirely. He becomes only his tattoo, which gets smaller and smaller until it's simply a tiny Celtic knot. The notion that Ronan disappears and that his tattoo (all that’s left of him, a manifestation of his conscience) gets smaller when Kavinsky appears, shows that he literally feels small when he’s with him. Kavinsky belittles Ronan. He misunderstands who he is, and boils him down to his wildness and rash spontaneousness. He quite literally swallows Ronan whole in the dream; he destroys all that he is. Dream Kavinsky tells Ronan in Latin, “Scio quid estis vos'', which roughly translates to “I know what you are.” WOOOOOF. OH, IT'S SO GOOD. I GOT CHILLS. This could have SO many meanings. “I know what you are” could mean that Kavinsky knows that Ronan is a dreamer, just like himself, or it could also mean that he knows Ronan is gay (if we’re revisiting that idea of this dream bringing to the forefront parts of Ronan that he doesn’t know about himself yet). Adam and Kavinsky are complete opposites in Ronan’s dream, and furthermore, his life. The dream versions of the two represent what he wants, versus what he’s settled with. Currently, Ronan doesn’t think that he’s worthy of someone who truly knows and loves him. Instead, he’s resigned himself to a homoerotic unlabeled relationship with Kavinsky—who doesn't actually care about who he is, and only wants someone who he can destroy his life with. The exact phrasing of the things Dream Adam and Kavinsky separately say to Ronan are SO significant. Essentially they’re telling him the same thing: what they think they know about him. It's the words which they use to say this which makes these statements wildly different. Dream Adam says “I know what this is” about Ronan’s tattoo, meaning that he knows Ronan’s inner self. He knows this thing which he can’t normally see all of himself display of terrible things from his own mind. Dream Kavinsky says “I know what you are” which displays his assumption of Ronan’s outer character.  It’s a bold assumption and an incorrect one. The difference between Adam and Kavinsky to Ronan, is that Ronan wants Adam because he’s different from himself, and doesn’t want Kavinsky because he’s too similar to him. To an extent, I think Ronan fears Kavinsky because he’s who Ronan would be if he didn’t have Gansey or Adam in his life to keep him sane. Initially, Ronan does like to have someone to let off steam with, but he eventually realizes doesn't want an enabler to ruin his life with. He wants someone like Adam–his polar opposite–to know him, to ground him. He wants to feel alive, and awake. 

Another interesting element to this chapter is that Ronan’s dream seems to be erotic in nature; it’s a wet-dream. This is a little jarring for a YA novel, but I personally think eroticsm and sex used in literature as metaphors for conveying relationships and character vulnerability is really beautiful and clever. The significance of it being a sex dream is the fact that Ronan, as previously stated, isn’t someone who verbalizes his love for people. He shows it through physical intimacy and acts of service. Intercourse is literally as close as one can be with another person, and Ronan is completely vulnerable and laid bare in this moment. In it Ronan is naked, which we know because the dream begins with Adam tracing the tattoo all the way down his bare back. Remember, Ronan’s tattoo can only be seen fully when he’s naked, which adds another layer to this. Here it’s assumed that he had allowed Dream Adam to see his tattoo, because he had to have taken off his shirt to see it. Circling back Ronan’s tattoo placement, it’s something that not only can’t be fully seen by himself, but also can’t be fully seen by others unless he decides to strip naked for them. Here he allows Adam to see it and even trace the lines of it down his back. He felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable with Adam like that, and to inspect his whole being. The fact that Kavinsky then appears and the tattoo becomes smaller represents Ronan's uncomfortability with Kavinsky. He didn’t mean for him to see that part of himself and shrinks away in shame until Kavinsky devours the tattoo without permission. It really enforces the idea that Ronan wants and chooses Adam, but Kavinsky forces himself into his life and takes from Ronan without asking. Finally, Ronan awakes from his wet dream “euphoric and ashamed.” This could either be about the fact that it was a sex dream with not one, but other boys, or the confrontation of his true desires. He’s ashamed to admit what he really wants, and doesn’t allow himself to fully comprehend what this dream means. Ronan even thinks that he never wants to sleep again, which really means that he doesn't want his dreams to confront him with his true feelings again. This can tie into the metaphor about Ronan’s sexuality in terms of the fact that he got off to Adam and then Kavinsky, or that he doesn’t want to let his guard down and admit what he truly wants. 

It’s now finally time to unpack the use of Latin! Hooray! Throughout the series, we’re shown that Ronan is really flippant about school. He’s constantly on the brink of expulsion from Aglionby because he doesn’t go to any of his classes or do any of the work. However, the one class he has consistent attendance in as well as the highest overall grade is Latin—second to his proficiency in the language is Adam. They’re both in the same class, and are said to be able to almost fully understand and speak perfect Latin. The use of this dead language is a common theme in the series, and almost all of Ronan’s dreams are in latin. There’s an underlying meaning in that alone. A fun tidbit if we’re looking into the meaning of latin phrases we have the imagery of “claws and beak” described about the imagery of Ronan’s tattoo. The latin phrase “Unguibus et rostro” translates to “claws and beak” and is an expression about fighting with everything you have for something you want. It’s idiomatically comparable to phrases like “heart and soul” and “with all one’s strength” (thanks to ravenclawsandbeak on tumblr for sharing this finding with the fans).  In the final book in the series, there’s a short chapter which is essentially a call-back to this chapter, and follows the format in which it’s written pretty clearly. However, Ronan is awake this time rather than dreaming. 

This chapter is more or less a sex scene between Ronan and Adam, and is essentially the exact opposite to Ronan’s wet dream in TDT. Here, Ronan’s desires are no longer a fantasy that came to him in a dream, he finally has exactly what he’s wanted all along. in which they admit their feelings for each other, which is done indirectly and not through words. The fact that it's through a sex scene is significant because it's showing their intimacy. Intercourse between people is literally as close as two people can get. As a couple, Adam and Ronan rarely verbalize their feelings about each other, and so this intimate act is really them letting down their walls and allowing themselves to be completely vulnerable to each other. Here, we have Adam studying Ronan's tattoo in real life this time, just like in his dream (Something he’s only able to do because Ronan allowed him). He sees all the fine details in its design, and interestingly enough, speaks aloud this latin phrase “Unguibus et rostro” (This also begins a common theme of Ronan and Adam speaking in cryptic latin phrases rather than just actually telling the other of how they feel about each other, but that's a story for another time). This, as everything else does, has multiple meanings; it shows that not only Adam correctly interprets the imagery on tattoo, showing that now he does truly know and understand Ronan’s inner self. But also it reiterates the meaning of this phrase: that Ronan has appropriately fought with all he had for what he wants. He was able to reject Kavinsky and stay true to himself and his principles, and he realized his feelings for Adam, and was able to let his guard down enough to reach out to Adam and let him know how he actually felt about him. And similarly, he allowed Adam to love him back. 

So why did Maggie Stiefvater include the chapter in TDT? It completely breaks the flow of the main story, interrupts two other character’s POVs, and comes seemingly out of nowhere. It's not described where Ronan is, who he came to sleep, when it’s happening. It feels as if the placement of this chapter didn’t matter; it could appear anywhere and still have the same effect. My theory? I think that Stiefvater specifically placed this chapter here because she thought it was an appropriate time to learn more about Ronan, and she wanted the chapter to stick out due to shock value. Because it’s at such a seemingly random moment, and its content is brief and strange, it’s a stark outlier from the rest of the chapters. For me, this strategy totally worked. When I think back to this book, this chapter is by far the most memorable one. I remember it almost immediately when I think about any specific line/chapter from this book. Even though the dream seems random and complex, it has so much meaning packed into it about Ronan’s inner conscience and character. Stiefvater wants to reveal all of these things about Ronan previously analyzed without directly telling us. 

[grievedifferent]

Do you think Miles as a character and his fate is more encapsulated in body horror or psychological horror? Like specifically what do you focus on in your portrayal, the distortion of the body or the mind? Or both?

i want to say body horror first, psychological horror second, and here's why i say that.

mostly this: miles remains pretty sane throughout his experiences, primarily getting more emotional (lots of anger) in his loggings of his journey, before ultimately accepting death — he knows he won’t live through this.

(chapter 8 note, "underground mountain")

while what he is experiencing is a psychological horror and immensely distressing, miles experiences primarily body horror … while one could argue waylon experiences psychological events combined with body horror — but miles is known best for missing fingers, he’s always being thrown, chased, or tortured, and even the fact that his model doesn’t have a head (ie is the camera basically) kind of lends itself to that idea that while he is emotionally and mentally suffering, he is definitely taking the brunt of the game physically almost right away.

it’s kind of a “one lends itself to the other” here with him, but even to the end, he is possessed and then confirmed dead (in a past and very hastily deleted tweet lol).

so, he was always meant to take it to the grave ... but he never really changes mentally at all. if anything, miles becomes more angry, more vindicated, and more determined to get to the end, even knowing he will not make it out.

though he is meant to be scared, miles only becomes more affirmed. i rely a lot on inner narratives because he writes for us, the player (as we are supposed to be miles, yet there is almost a distinct "you are controlling miles, you are not miles" vibe i get in outlast), to get to know him. he never isn’t feeling, be it emotional or physical.

(last note, chapter 8, "death of hope")

miles does progressively talk about "the static" a lot in his notes as he progresses, but i think we have to remember there's a whole supernatural meets manmade experiment type of thing happening under his feet. he's being compelled by several things: the narrative first, his own need to finish second, and the supernatural pull third ... but kind of all in conjunction together, none is more motivating than the other, they just sort of exist together.

"The static again. A patient knelt in prayer. Maybe he bought Father Martin's line of bullshit. Maybe he hears what I hear but more clearly. Maybe it's his way out of this place. The Priest called it the Gospel of Sand."

"So much blood in the water I can smell it. Like putting a penny in your mouth when you were a kid. The whispers are making more sense, I'm looking for static. It's like an itch." <- the whispers he's hearing are from the morphogenic engine, which has its wiki article linked!

miles is being also compelled as the new host (despite dying at the end), he is made to make it "to the end" ... but waylon is the survivor, ironically working right beneath miles the whole time, even the whole reason miles is there.

ultimately, miles is truly one of those horror protags that, while he experiences so much mentally, he really is the "take the hits" kind of guy, if that makes sense? he is brutalized ... and even content was removed that was considered too brutal, so miles was really gonna go through it, in ways that i think they do translate to waylon (which are more fitting), but give a look at how miles was really going to be treated in the game ... he is literally meant to run, hide, survive ... for a while. i'm not saying he made it to the end totally sane and sound, but comparatively? especially to say josh? oh yeah, miles was mostly compelled by something outside of his own mind, which is pretty solid. this (to me) again sort of asserts "miles is a character we control, not a player substitute", as well as the idea that miles is more a body horror guy unfortunately for him. makes you wonder what he would see in like silent hill, eh?

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

So I’ve been meaning to ramble about the beauty of four walls for so long now but am only just getting round it so i really apologise because the amount I’ve enjoyed reading every chapter and just the pleasure the story has bought me I should’ve been leaving huge appreciation on every chapter. You’re so talented.

I’m just gonna start by saying that four walls is one of, if not the most, thought provoking and intimate things I’ve ever read. I don’t really have the vocab to explain what it is about it, but the way you portray emotions and just the delicacy of every situation, especially in chapter 8 where they finally get together, is just something else. There’s this underlying yearning and carefulness in each chapter that’s just so realistic, and seeing it written down and feeling that ache in my chest whenever something you’ve written just encapsulates that so perfectly is just heaven.

Also the way you depict insecurity ;-; Alex thinking miles is suddenly going to start looking at him differently. And that possessiveness of miles and confusion he feels about Suzy because she’s more than just a fling and is in Miles’ personal space and bubble that Alex sees as his but now includes her. I just can’t because it’s so relatable and written SO PERFECTLY.

And the little details? THE LITTLE DETAILS! These tiny bits of intimacy like the mixed jackets and the shoes next to the door and the description of miles’ belt buckle and how it moves with his breathing is just- omg. And the little addition of Alex always trying to unlock each door with the wrong set of keys? And the ‘where’s home’ ‘here’ ’me too’? SOBBING. It’s honestly a little scary how perfectly you depict that kind of lostness that can be common for people who are constantly moving about and find that security in that one person who’s always been their person no matter where they are. Sometimes I really think you must just be one of them writing their actual story just pretending it’s fanfic xD

And the nerves, and that doubt, like even though Alex must know deep deep down that miles feels the same he just needs to provoke it until Miles breaks and he can be sure. And that ‘c’mon al, it’s never just you, is it?’ That miles says because it’s just them, on the same wavelength, overthinking themselves into being convinced the other doesn’t want them. And the HURT omfg the hurt. Miles thinking Alex is just pushing to see what happens and to get his own way like again I can’t explain how incredibly you do that and how realistically you portray it and without seeing inside Alex’s mind it does seem like that’s exactly what he’s doing. But Miles’ perception of him vs the way Alex sees him as home (like ‘just the two of them alone in the room Alex most often sees when he closes his eyes to escape other rooms’)just ASGDKFLFOENDB. Babies.

I’m really really late going somewhere and this isn’t nearly the appreciation I want to show for you or four walls, nor is it anywhere close to highlighting all the things that are just phenomenal about the way you write and portray these characters. But the way you write has honestly introduced me to this whole new world of how characters emotion’s should look, and how it’s this simmering beneath the surface that you do absolutely incredibly that makes the characters so much deeper and more vulnerable and just perfection

So thank you so so much, honestly love this story and your writing beyond belief <3333333

hii 💖 oh my GOD where to start??? this is so unbelievably, UNBELIEVABLY lovely i don't even know what to say 😭😭 genuinely, i can't even begin to tell you how much this made my day (scratch that. my whole WEEK) when it popped up in my inbox 🥺

writing four walls over the past year has brought me so much joy, so to hear that this little world i've created has been bringing other people joy too is truly the most special feeling in the world ✨💫

your kind words about how i portray emotions and inner workings is just - god, i don't even know what to say 🥺 that's always been one of my favourite things about writing, but when you immerse yourself in a character's headspace as much as i have with alex in this fic, it can also make it really challenging. like i definitely spend a LOT of time going back and forth and worrying that i haven't got it quite right to make sense for his character, or that i've spent too much time on the introspective side of things vs dialogue. so yeah - to hear that when you're reading it all the emotions feel that real?? aghhhhh. that's everything i could possibly want and makes all the challenges of writing it feel TOTALLY worthwhile 💗 (also, i love that you feel that ache in your chest when you're reading, because that's what i feel when i'm writing them in this fic too 🥺)

i'm also so glad you think all of alex's feelings of jealousy/insecurity around suzy work - that's been something i've really enjoyed writing actually, it feels like her presence is (slowly 🤦‍♀️) helping him unlock a lot of doors that it might have taken him a lot longer to notice otherwise! it's been really interesting to write that dynamic.

AHHHHH as i'm sure you can tell, i'm an absolute sucker for little details, so it makes me SO HAPPY that you enjoy all those elements of the fic 💗 also all your comments about chapter eight specifically and how everything unfolded there have made my heart absolutely sing 🥹 i was actually really nervous about sharing that chapter and worried that it wouldn't measure up, so hearing your lovely words about that scene is just - thank you 🥺 it truly means so much💖

honestly it's not the first time someone has said that they think i must be either alex or miles writing this, and each time i hear it it just leaves me speechless because that is just the BIGGEST compliment ever??? 😭 obviously we only get glimpses of what they're like from interviews, lyrics etc - but they have *such* a special dynamic and are such fascinating people, so to feel like i've managed to capture even a semblance of who they are is truly so special, thank you 💗

i'm going to stop flailing at you in a moment because i feel like i've rambled on quite long enough now, but this: "the way you write has honestly introduced me to this whole new world of how character's emotions should look" THIS??? this has to be one of my favourite things someone has ever said about my writing 🥺 i want to print it out on a post-it note and stick it above my desk ✨

thank you so much for taking the time to leave such a thoughtful and generous comment - i truly can't begin to tell you what a gift feedback like this is, and how much it inspires me and keeps me going through the tougher moments of writing 🙏 you also sent it at a time where i'd been struggling particularly with self-criticism and doubt around the chapter i'm currently writing, and honestly reading all your kind words just restored so much confidence and joy in my writing. thank you so very much, i'm wishing you the most wonderful day and sending all the best vibes your way 💜💜💜

(PS the next chapter is nearly ready now! 💖)

[stewpid-soup]

okay, i just watched The Substance, a psychological horror/thriller + body horror film I HIGHLY recommend - so many spoilers!!

for anyone who doesn’t want spoilers, have a good rest of ur day and take care of yourselves <33

take a pic of my cat Luna for your troubles :3

OKAY SO THIS FUCKING FILM- I COULD LITERALLY GO ON ABT THIS FOR HOURS

THE WAY IT WAS SUCH A MASTERPIECE IN WAYS I CANT EVEN DESCRIBE IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE!!!

Like, it’s rare I watch a movie and think “yeah, i have absolutely zero complaints and i would watch this over and over until it’s seared into my brain” — BUT THIS HIT EVERY MARK!!

THE GORE & BODY HORROR - INFINITY/10 BECAUSE OH MY GOD???? ME AND MY MOM WERE JUST OVERJOYED ABT THE GORE AND MY DAD JUST COULDNT HANDLE IT- HE WAS PHYSICALLY CRINGING BC OF IT - IS IT THE MOST REALISTIC SHIT? OBVIOUSLY NOT (i would be more concerned if they perfected gore to look realistic ngl), BUT THE SHEER AMOUNT OF IT AND THE SOUNDS AND THE WAY YOU SEE IT AND THINK “oh god, that would fucking hurt” THE SHIT THAT MAKES YOU CRINGE AND SHIVER AT THE THOUGHT OF!

THE CINEMATOGRAPHY - 10/10 - THE CUTSCENES, THE LIGHTING, THE WAY IT REALLY SHOVES THINGS RIGHT IN YOUR FACE AND SAYS “Look at this! Look at the horrifying things this woman is doing to feel like she is enough! See in 4K how she destroys her own body to keep the only thing she knows gives her worth, the only thing that makes people find her worth talking to— her body!” My mother suffers from chronic migraines so yes, the amount of flashing lights in it can be a bit jarring (so warning for anyone who is prone to seizures or is light sensitive). But to me it doesn’t feel like it’s too overdone, like many horror films tend to do with flashing lights— it makes sense why those sequences are there, it makes sense why they choose the lighting, to me: it makes sense and seems to align with the story

THE ACTING - DEMI MOORE (Actress who plays Elizabeth Sparkle) FUCKING POPPED OFF WITH THIS?!!??? AND MARGARET QUALLEY (Actress who plays Sue)!!! GOD, THE WAY I COULD FEEL THE RAGE WHEN SUE WAS CHASING ELIZABETH AROUND THE HOUSE! THE WAY ALL REASON WAS THROWN OUT THE WINDOW AND ALL SHE WANTED WAS TO TEAR HER OLD SELF APART BECAUSE IT’S EVERYTHING SHE LOATHES! THE WAY IT’S INGRAINED IN HER THAT SHE IS ONLY DESERVING OF BEING ALIVE BECAUSE SHE’S BEAUTIFUL! AND ELIZABETH— GOD, THE WAY I MY HEART WRENCHED WHEN SHE LOOKED IN THE MIRROR WHEN PREPPING FOR HER DATE WITH FRED! THE GOING BACK AND FORTH, THE ANGER AND FRUSTRATION AND SENSE OF DOOM BECAUSE SHE ISN’T THE “BETTER VERSION OF HERSELF”!! THE WAY SHE LOOKS AT THE BILLBOARD OUTSIDE HER WINDOW, THE WAY SHE MOCKED SUE’S INTERVIEW, THE SHAME SHE FELT FOR HER BODY BEFORE SHE USED THE SUBSTANCE— AND EVEN BY THE END OF THE FILM, IT NEVER WENT AWAY! IT WASN’T FIXED, SHE STILL HATED HERSELF. BUT SHE REALIZED TOO LATE THAT SHE RUINED NOT JUST HER BODY BUT HER QUALITY OF LIFE BY THE END! THAT SHE WAS LETTING THE NEED TO FIT THESE IMPOSSIBLE STANDARDS CONTROL HER LIFE! OH MY GOD AND DENNIS QUAID (Harvey’s actor - the guy who fired Elizabeth and hired Sue)?!? LITERALLY JUST PLAYS THE “PIECE OF SHIT” PERSONA SO PERFECTLY!! THE WAY HIS CHARACTER IS SO DISGUSTING- AND NOT JUST BEHAVIOR WISE! THE FACT HE DOESNT WASH HIS HANDS AFTER THE BATHROOM OR THE FACT HE EATS AS LOUDLY AND MESSILY AS POSSIBLE WHILE FIRING SOMEONE, THE NONSTOP SMOKING — BUT ALSO HIS MISOGYNISTIC JABS, THE WAY HE ONLY WANTED TO HIRE A NEW, YOUNGER WOMAN BECAUSE HE BELIEVES THAT ELIZABETH LOST HER “SEX APPEAL” AND ISN’T SOMETHING THAT FITS THE MALE GAZE!! HIS LAUGH IRKS ME IN A WAY I CAN’T DESCRIBE! IT WAS FANTASTIC!!

THE PLOT OVERALL & THE MORAL(S) OF THE STORY - INFINITY/10 — LORD I AM TOO TIRED TO TYPE ALL OF THIS BUT FUCK MAN, IT REALLY REALLY HIT ME. Especially after the elections, knowing that our fucking president looks at women and says “your body, my choice”, this really hit hard for me. The way that the body horror truly encapsulates just how horrific the reality is for women who are popular in the media- the things they feel like they have to do to survive in such a toxic and disgusting environment! Women have been told that all their worth is dependent on their bodies, their beauty- but The Substance truly shows just how much that shit can affect us, shows how much it can hurt your mental health- which will, in turn, affect your physical health!

god, this movie truly was a masterpiece and i highly recommend it to anyone who likes psychological thrillers/horrors & can handle watching body horror! i’m fucking exhausted, and i’ve had such a shitty week- and while this doesn’t exactly give me any hope for our future, it does show that we aren’t alone in our struggles. even the people we admire, whether it’s an actor or a content creator in general, struggle with accepting their flaws and not letting society determine their worth based on such shallow and superficial things.

maybe my ramble is a bit silly and a bit all over the place, so i’m sorry for that, again i’m fucking exhausted— but i had to post abt this

AND I NEED TO POST ABT THE GAME MOUTHWASHING SOON BC THE HYPERFIXATIONS ARE SO REAL!!

But anyways, if anyone read this far, thank you and have a wonderful rest of your day <3

[trashlie]

ILY FP 210, 211, 212

WOOOOOOOF I’ve been holding off on writing this post, because I wanted to wait for this whole “episode” to fully come out. Quimchee revealed they were all meant to happen in one episode, but SO MUCH was happening in the episode that it was too long to do as the one. I... kind of wish I hadn’t waited because now there is SO MUCH for me to cover, so I’m going to do my best to keep this organized and coherent.

No lie, these go up there in my top episodes, especially 212. I have a feeling I might have some different feelings than others on this one...? We’ll see, I’m keen to hear how all of you are thinking and feeling about it. To me, these episodes really encapsulate a good 80% of the plot that we’ve been dealing with, and there’s some good reveals in here that have been a LONG time coming. I think everything is set up now for the time skip to come, and especially after all the events that transpired this arc (remember how this all started out so many moons ago with Nol going to the company Christmas party? That feels like it was years ago to what is happening now!) I am BEYOND excited to see what the time skips have in store for us! 

Anyway, before I start spoiling things, let’s get into it!

Well and truly, I love this arc! It’s really capture so much of the story this bigger story has centered on - the relationship between Nol and Kousuke. This isn’t the root of the story, of course, but it’s a significant portion of what we’ve come to read for, I think, and I cannot tell you how much I love seeing the characters verbally acknowledge things they’ve swept under a rug. 

212 felt especially raw to me - Kousuke’s confessions are tragic in the way of too little too late, and the realization that Nol was never against him, that he was always on the same side, that they could have been an incredible team may come to haunt him. That acknowledgement of his that nobody really liked him - no one else but the one person he had demeaned and devalued until he was truly nobody - really hit me like a sucker punch. I truly thought these were truths Kousuke wouldn’t be able to reach until he lost more, like his job or his sense of self, but I guess we can argue that he’s lost a lot of his sense of self; from the moment he punched Nol, it’s clear that he’s dissociating. That also serves to tell us how important this moment is for Kousuke, what it means to him, what Nol means to him.

Now, I’ll be upright honest with you guys, because I think this is where the difference of opinions will come in. I really enjoy stories with this kind of element of hatred and care so intricately interlaced in family or friends. There’s something about this sense of care being overwritten by jealousy so scathing it mutates into resentment and hatred and loathing. The way these two feelings battle out, the way ugly emotions are so strong they come to eclipse any hope for warmth. Idk it’s intriguing to me, it creates a compelling story. 

And in Kousuke’s case, it is! A running theory has been that Kousuke treats Shinae the way he does because he is, subconsciously, treating her how he wishes he’d treated Nol. As the story went on and Kousuke’s ugliness started to come out more and more and his paranoia began to consume him, I think it was probably difficult for many to find credence in this theory - that there was no way Kousuke could have cared about Nol and transferred it to Shinae when he treated Nol how he did but I’m still here for the theory. It’s just that Kousuke’s ugliness was so strong, overwhelming, it eclipsed anything else. 

Now I’m not saying I think Kousuke loves Nol or thinks of him as a brother, but rather I think deep down, he understood they were connected. As a child, Nol was the only person who didn’t treat Kousuke like an object - like a puppet or rich vending machine or influence to be gained. But how could Kousuke allow himself to think so favorably of Nol when he was so deeply rooted in jealousy? 

This is what I find especially intriguing about their dynamic. Something I talk about a lot is that Nol and Kousuke are both the products of abuse - Kousuke is the way he is due to neglect and manipulation, and in turn he took that out on Nol. I’ve seen people say Kousuke doesn’t make sense to them, but he DOES and this episode really drove that home and confirmed a lot of things I’d felt. 

Kousuke’s treatment of Nol all stems from Rand and his affair. Let’s look at it from Kousuke’s perspective. He has a father who is never around, and when he is he’s busy and always puts his career first. He rarely joins them for family time, there’s a rift between him and his wife. All young Kousuke wants is for his father to spend time with him, to be around, to notice him. His mother tells him things - if he’s a good boy Father will pay attention; if he wants his father’s attention he needs to be just like him; if he wants Father to care to notice he must be exactly like him. But his mother also says other thing - that there’s someone else, money is being wired to someone. At school people murmur similar things. 

All he wants is his father’s approval, his father’s pride, his father’s attention, his father’s time. He must not be good enough, yet. He must not matter, yet. He’ll make sure he does, though. He’ll do exactly what his mother says, he’ll buckle down just like she tells him, he’ll make sure to become the perfect son that his father can be proud of. 

So you can understand, then, why the discovery that the murmurs are true, that there’s another family, would shatter him the way it did, why it remains a point of breaking for him even as an adult, why he never really reconciles his father’s affair. How is it that the man who has no time for him or their family, had enough time to create a second family? Why was he so undeserving of his time? Why was he so undeserving of his attention? 

And it rooted deep inside him, right in the core of his foundation. This other boy who describes his father as someone who couldn’t possibly be the same man as his father - a funny man, a kind man. That is not the father Kousuke knows, so why does this other child know him? (Never mind that this child has also never met that version of his father.) It all stems from that: a craving for something he’s never received. 

Kousuke’s whole speech about how there was only one kind, sweet, generous, funny person in his life was the very person he attacked and tore down hit me HARD. His admission of fear, that he ACTUALLY ADMITTED TO BEING SCARED, that he’ll never be good enough for Rand, that nothing he would ever do would make him worthy of his attention actually hurt. This is the kind of thing I’ve been wanting Kousuke to acknowledge and embrace, because it’s the one thing that has been fueling and propelling him. He doesn’t do this job because he’s passionate about it - he does it because he’s still vying for love and attention. He didn’t forsake his childhood because he was above it - he literally sacrificed it for his father. Regardless of what you think about Kousuke now, it has to be acknowledged that he, too, has suffered. And let’s not pretend that Yui truly believed that Kousuke could win Rand’s affection this way - it still feels like it was a game for her, a manipulation to turn him into someone she could use to get her way, a puppet if you will. It’s fucking sad to think that he gave up everything because he was so determined to earn his father’s love, that his love and attention was believed to be so conditional he had to make himself worthy of it. 

“I hate you for making me aware this person exists. And I hate your face being a constant reminder of it.” 

So many times, Kousuke has berated Nol for his playful, joking behavior, for seeming so lax and carefree. I’d always thought it was jealousy that he didn’t have that kind of life, that he wasn’t allowed it - and that probably is still a part of it - but now we know that when Yeonggi laughed and played around, he was a vision of a version of Rand Kousuke had never known, a spitting image of a man Kousuke didn’t even know could exist. 

And as Nol points out, it was all for naught. All of Kousuke’s jealousy and his fear, tearing down Nol so that he could instead get to know that version of Rand. All of it was for naught, because who knows if that man even exists? It seems like only one person ever knew her, and who’s to know if she didn’t make him up. Kousuke has spent his entire life - sacrificed his childhood, accelerated himself through school, forsook any fun or leisure - on a quest for a man who probably doesn’t exist, for something he’ll never achieve. He spent his whole life tearing down someone innocent trying to get to something he’ll never have. 

I really thought it would take for Kousuke to lose it all, to stumble in his career before he’d realize it, but here he is. 

But on the other side of that, we have Nol. Nol, who also lost - and lost more than Kousuke did. Nol who was isolated and alienated, Nol who tried time and time again to reach out and create a connection, and was refused every time. Nol who suffered under Kousuke and Yui’s watch over and over. Nol, who despite it all, still tried to treat Kousuke well, still tried to give him a chance, still tried to reach out to him at his most desperate. 

I think that really illustrates something important: an understanding that there is a reason for Kousuke’s behavior and his paranoia, where it comes from, but that reason doesn’t justify. I can acknowledge both that Kousuke absolutely is the product of his environment and that he has been an asshole about it lol. Idk I can admit that my intrigue in his has grown a LOT. 

These episodes have just tapped into something so deep that I love about this series - that our experiences heavily color our interpersonal relationships, as well as our relationships with our own selves. Nol notes that he, too, suffered, he, too, lost, he has been alone and alienated and despite it all he still tried, and he still attempted to be a good person, in contrast to Kousuke who let his suffering turn him into an asshole. It was kind of a hard-to-read moment, because Nol spoke the truth, and as much as I feel for Kousuke, Nol is right. Because he never attempted to deal with those ugly feelings, because he never chose to face them, because he instead wore them as armor, it became his identity, he became an asshole through those experiences. Had there ever been a moment that he could have met Nol in the middle, that he could have put aside his jealousy, that he could have turned off his Rand blinders, he could have seen what Nol was able to see earlier and more clearly. And isn’t that sad? They could have been a great team, they could have had each others’ back in a world where no one else did, they could have been there for each other, but Kousuke couldn’t cross that line. 

Again, I fully acknowledge that Kousuke is the way he is because of those experiences. I acknowledge that this is the wake up call he needed, that he was forced to finally reckon with the truth. 

But I also worry what will come of Kousuke as a result of Rand’s arrival. Is he going to backpedal? Is this going to short-circuit something and push him to double down, or is it going to free him? 

Kousuke has spent his entire life trying to earn Rand’s favor, to earn his attention. Everything he has done has been an angle to get closer to his father. Like, when you break it all down, that’s the sad, basic truth. He was a child who so desperately wanted his father’s attention that his life became about that. And here comes Rand, showing up when it looks like Kousuke is running away. Rand who never had time for him, Rand who didn’t shower him with warmth and affection. 

Rand who showed up and wailed “My son” in response to Nol. 

That whole scene honestly hurts me. Nol is hurt, Rand is anguished and horrified, and Kousuke? Kousuke finally witnessing his father show a fatherly side - and it wasn’t for him. And not only that but Rand might not even believe that Kousuke was trying to get help, that he attempted to get Nol up but couldn’t. And does it even matter when the truth is that Kousuke DID cause this? I can’t imagine it was his intention - I don’t think his mind went “punch Nol and he’ll fall over the railing” as much as Nol tried to leave and Kousuke reacted on that. But the point still stands: even if it wasn’t his intention, this is still ultimately his fault. Nol goaded him on and played a part, but Kousuke was the hand that acted. 

I fear that this will ruin what little relationship Kousuke has with Rand - and it’s a fear because it means Kousuke could swing in two wholly opposite directions. Does he double-down and return to the side of his mother, the only family member who has made him feel like someone’s child? I don’t think he’s at the point where he can extricate himself from the family, as good as it would be. And I worry that if that’s the case, will he double back down on his treatment and resentment of Nol? For this one moment, he saw that they were equals, that they both had a broken, shitty relationship with Rand. And then Rand showed up, showing that paternal side Kousuke has longed for. 

As much as I WANT Kousuke to hold on to that moment, I don’t know that he can. I think the cracks have formed and I think his fragile reality is crumbling faster, but I fear he’ll retreat back into the “comfort” of the world he knows. 

Here’s the thing about Kousuke: on some level he knows. He knows that Yui isn’t great, he knows that she has done awful things, he knows that Nol did no wrong, he knows that Rand will probably never change. But these are such uncomfortable truths and he has spent his life propped up by a false reality. This was pointed out by AugmentedElle on reddit, but look at the difference in Kousuke’s flashbacks. Look at the memory in 210 vs 212. The flashback in 210 is the strongest, most vibrant memory we’ve yet seen. Ordinarily they’re in some kind of grey scale, or at least muted colors, sometimes with spot color like in Shinae’s. In Nol and Kousuke’s flashbacks thus far, we’ve seen those muted colors or alterations - Nessa’s face appearing scribbled out in Kousuke’s memories, just as in 212. The use of color suggests that the memory in 210 is, quite possibly, fabricated. It starts out with Kousuke dazed, unable to remember what just happened, and Yui comes in and tells him he won’t have to see that boy for a long time. It feels like something happened - that perhaps Kousuke did something (the huffing that parallels his huffing after he punches Nol in the current story) and blocked it out or whited out and Yui came in and gave him an iteration of the story. It’s the strongest memory because it didn’t come from him - because it was filled in and colored in by someone else. The whole time we’ve thought Nol had perhaps been pushed to the bring, that Kousuke instigated a fight and Nol snapped, but maybe it was never Nol. Maybe the whole time Kousuke has associated Nol with danger and violence - because he was wired to think that way. That whatever happened and lead to that moment was so traumatic he doesn’t have the real memory, and instead carries a fabrication. 

And that is essentially the basis of Kousuke’s entire life. Regardless of intent, Yui does manipulate Kousuke. She says things knowing full-well the effect they’ll have. Consider that moment with Nol and Nessa vs Yui in Kousuke’s flashback in 212. He watches Nessa blow raspberries on Nol’s cheek, a warm and silly exchange full of so much love and care - and then he looks up at Yui, who wears her maternal mask, shadows falling eerie over her face. Doesn’t it feel so much like she set this up? Doesn’t it feel like she knew Nessa and Nol would be around? She fills his head with things like “the only way to get your father’s attention is to be just like him” and “we’re not like other families we’re so special” and “isn’t it just so wonderful that rand at least has enough time to eat with us”? That’s not vouching for Rand - that’s passive aggression towards Rand and creating an idea of who Rand is - that Rand unwittingly lives up to. Despite speaking of the affair in front Kousuke, she turns and tells him that “Your father values us too much, he would never do such a thing” - a blatant lie that only plays into that feeling Kousuke wears that he’s been cheated, that there exists a version of his father that has been denied to him. Nessa tells Nol that Rand was a kind, sweet, generous, funny man. Yui tells Kousuke that Rand is anything but funny and he has no time for jokes. Maybe both are true, but Nol’s unintentionally makes a point about how Yui speaks of Kousuke’s father, vs how Yui spoke of Nol’s father. Why would a parent speak ill of the other parent -- if not to make the child see them that way. 

(She also tells him there’s nothing she hates more than people who don’t take things seriously, and well, look at how Kousuke came out.) 

There’s a fragile cognitive dissonance between what Kousuke knows to be true - that is, the reality that has been shaped by his experiences and Yui’s manipulation - vs actual reality, and we’ve seen this a number of times when various events threaten that tentative balance. Kousuke at the club, angry and paranoid, is aware of what people really think of him. Deep down he knows people don’t see him as great, as an honorable gentleman. Deep down he knows he’s a selfish, judgmental asshole, but it doesn’t fit the fabricated reality he believes in, so it only comes out in his paranoia. He knows that Nol is like him, that he didn’t have the love Kousuke coveted, that he tried to get by quietly, but Kousuke’s fear and paranoia still thought of him as the boy who had earned the love that Kousuke couldn’t, and that made him a threat. He knows what kind of person Yui is and has tried to draw boundaries, but he’s still told her things about Nol that she could act on, because he knows what she is capable of. When people or events fracture that reality, he struggles and lashes out, because he needs that reality to keep it together, but it’s crumbling fast. 

Between the phone call with Rand and the moment that Rand shows up on the scene - what is the state of Kousuke’s reality? Is it crumbling? Is he trying to stuff the crumbling rocks back into the foundation? Will he retreat to his mother, the only one who can keep the tint of his rose colored glasses or will he be forced to face reality for what it really is? I wish it would be the latter, but I just don’t know if he’s ready for it yet. I don’t know if he can face that which he’s run from this whole time just yet. 

As for Nol, woooooooof. What a fucking NIGHT. To think - THIS IS HIS GODDAMN BIRTHDAY. On the one hand, I think, maybe this can give him some kind of peace. He’s finally gotten a piece of Kousuke’s mind, he finally knows how Kousuke sees him, what he thinks of him, and what motivated him all these years. Maybe with this knowledge, Nol will be able to walk away in peace. He doesn’t have to wonder anymore. He knows where he stands - and where he’s always stood - and I think he’s made it clear that he’s drawn his line. He is done, he is finished, with all of them. If Kousuke can find his way to the other side of the line, then good for him, but Nol has no intention of trying to bring him over anymore. 

I do think there’s a lot of room for them to reconcile in the future - when Nol’s raw anger has maybe ebbed, when Kousuke has found himself and learned to stand on his own ground, rather than prop himself up by his fabricated reality. But they are far from there. I’ve said before that I had a feeling maybe we’ll see the three main characters reunite in the time skip as adults after having gone separate ways, and that feeling still lingers. Nol has made it clear that he still wants to get away - and frankly I think he needs to. I wish he’d say so much to his friends, I wish he’d tell them where they stand. I feel so bad for Shinae, who went through so much grief and angst and really put herself out there to bring him back, to get her closure - and then when she had it and was ready to let him go, he insisted on staying. For him to turn around and leave like that again, after everything she told him, after the ways she opened up to herself, god that must hurt a lot. I guess on the one hand, she got the closure she wanted but.... it wasn’t even that long ago that Nol was making jabs at Kousuke for abandoning his friends, and there he goes doing it a SECOND time. 

There’s a piece I’d love to give more time and thought to - that maybe all along, on a deep, subconscious level, Kousuke feared Nol leaving and that’s why he’s always acted when Nol was on the leave. If Nol leaves he’ll be truly alone. If Nol goes, there is truly no one left who ever liked him, who ever saw any value in him. This post is already long enough, so I’ll try to spit that out later this week, if I can. I think it’s not a coincidence that Kousuke punched Nol as he was leaving, that he didn’t bring himself to do it when Nol promised he’d leave, just as he let Yui know Nol was planning to leave. Maybe he doesn’t recognize it yet, but I think Kousuke is terrified of being left alone and Nol escaping without him. 

Like I said, more on that later, but it’s an important point that I think ties in really well with this relationship Kousuke has towards Nol. It’s complicated, fucked up, toxic, and messy, and it needs a LOT of untangling by professional help. But I do think these last episodes really set something up for Nol and Kousuke’s future - as much as there is so much resentment and anger between them, there’s a mutual sense of longing, of needing each other to fill a void: for Nol, he sought out a brother in Kousuke, a companion against the adults in their lives; for Kousuke, that knowledge that Nol, too, had suffered that neglect, and was the only person who had ever truly liked him. I think one day when that anger has died, when they’ve made peace and hopefully worked on themselves, when Kousuke has freed himself, I think there’s a chance they will be able to reconcile. Like I said, maybe they’ll never be family to each other; there’s so much damage there, it’s really possible that can never be undone. But I think at some point, at least, they will see themselves on the same side, rather than each other. 

[armandosumalinog]

Personality Test: The Unexpected Advocate

When taking the test on the 16personalities website and answering some of their personality questions, the results find that my personality is an Advocate. I'm only going to highlight the important results from the test I took.

According to their website,

"INFJ (Advocate) is a personality type with the Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Judging traits. They tend to approach life with deep thoughtfulness and imagination. Their inner vision, personal values, and a quiet, principled version of humanism guide them in all things."

When the results came out, I was shocked because I always thought an Advocate was someone who speaks their mind and gets everyone to listen. I was surprised because, honestly, I'm not really an idealist or someone who inspires others, at least not most of the time.

But anyway, I answered the questions, and it turns out I'm an Advocate. I was skeptical, so I checked the website's description of an Advocate personality, and it turns out it describes me pretty accurately.

The description of the INFJ personality really hits on traits that other people have used to describe me. I'm an introverted guy who stays home most of the time, especially during the pandemic. I never really approached people without a reason back then. I often overthink things and dwell on past mistakes I've made.

Continuing with the website's description about my personality test result. The following are the Advocate's main points:

Seeking Purpose, Connecting with Others (and Themselves), A Personal Mission:

"NFJs tend to carry around a sense – whether conscious or not – of being different from most people. With their rich inner lives and their deep, abiding desire to find their life purpose, they don’t always fit in with those around them."

Reading that part made me realize that I’ve always been searching for my purpose in life. During the pandemic, it got so bad that I started to think I had no purpose at all, which led to depression. I ended up overeating to cope with the stress because I kept wondering, 'What’s the point of living?' It made me lazy and prone to procrastination. I’ve always felt different from other people—not in a positive way, but in the sense that I didn’t connect with others much. But recently, I’ve outgrown that mindset, improved my social skills, and tried my best to fit in with different types of people

Another description on the website that also encapsulates how I deal or how I make relationship with other people, "INFJs value deep, authentic relationships with others. Few things bring these personalities as much joy as truly knowing another person – and being known in return. INFJs enjoy meaningful conversations far more than small talk, and they tend to communicate in a way that is warm and sensitive. This emotional honesty and insight can make a powerful impression on the people around them."

I can say that this is pretty on point when describing myself. I don't have a lot of friends, I only keep a few of them but I made sure that the relationship I have with them is authentic. I help my close friends and families, to the extent that it affects my personal time and life. I enjoy meeting new people too especially to those who has interest and humor similar to mine and I'm also very careful with my words when the subject or topic becomes really personal.

The Weaknesses I Didn't Realize I Had Until Now:

Sensitive to Criticism, Reluctant to Open Up, Perfectionistic, Avoiding the Ordinary, Prone to Burnout

Basically, this all really describes my shortcomings. I know that being criticized isn’t that bad and often helps you improve, but in the back of my mind, when someone gives me criticism, I tend to overlook it as an insult, which is wrong. Sometimes I’m insecure about the things I do, but despite that, I’m confident that I’m slowly overcoming this toxic trait.

The description of avoiding the ordinary is also pretty accurate.

"NFJs yearn to do extraordinary things with their lives. But it’s hard to achieve anything extraordinary without breaking it down into small, manageable steps."

Every day, I use a to-do list to keep track of what I should do and to guide myself toward my future goals. I really struggle to figure out what tasks I need to do each day, and more often than not, I end up doing nothing if I don’t have my list. However, it can backfire sometimes, when I check my to-do list and see I’m overloaded with tasks, I’m more inclined to do nothing because I’m afraid of not completing them, which often results in not doing them at all, if that makes sense. I’m also prone to burnout and have trouble multitasking because I get stressed easily. When I get home from school or after working on video editing, I usually go straight to bed and rest.

To sum it up, I think this website does a great job of describing your personality just by answering few questions. The descriptions are pretty accurate, and I’ve had some realizations about myself.

"In the end, it’s your actions, how you respond to circumstance, that reveals your character."

-Cate Blanchett

[vodens]

i was going to just ramble in the tags… but i feel i have Too Much To Say about rain world’s story. this is long, and probably not structured very well. sorry.

i HUGELY agree. personally, rain world is a game that truly changed the way i look at the world, but i don’t think i’d be able to say that if i’d watched some lore video beforehand, or let my roommate explain to me any more than “you’re a small animal looking for your family, and these huge sentient computers are the cause of deadly rain you need to avoid.”

my first playthrough of the game will always be my favorite. survivor will always be my favorite slugcat. why? because it perfectly encapsulated the feeling of being small and alone. i was really engrossed in the idea of being a tiny animal, somewhere in the middle of the food chain. i knew just enough about the lore that, when iggy started pointing me towards moon, i knew she was something i was very interested in finding.

i played this game very slowly, really soaking up the world. i went out of my way to grab every single token, including ones i wasn’t really supposed to get as survivor (waited for the rain to lift me up to one i think only saint/riv/arti is supposed to get, and dragged a squig to shoreline for another. she was still there by the time i finished the game. poor squig). my roommate had told me about the pink pearl in outskirts, and i took that as a challenge. i figured out how to get it with a bit of hinting from them. i carried it with me until i brought a neuron back to moon, because a) i was that invested in finding out more of this world, and b) didn’t know i could leave it in a shelter. it was a struggle, but it was worth it. the pink pearl isn’t even that interesting, yet i was driven to find them all.

and i did.

my first playthrough of the game clocked in at a little over 75 hours, and 400 cycles, with over 100,000 score, because i collected every single pearl. it was worth it. it was all worth it. especially since my roommate suggested i leave the sky islands pearls for last. no other game has left me pondering, and thinking, and rethinking the meaning of its story over, and over like rain world has. i have a lot of opinions about this game, and i feel like so many people just completely miss the point of it. the ancients, and the iterators are really unreliable narrators, and you aren’t supposed to take what they say literally.

nothing will recapture the feelings i had from reading “looks to the moon” and “five pebbles” for the first time in the bottom left-hand corner. nothing will recapture the feelings from giving moon new pearls for the first time. nothing will recapture the feeling of learning about ascension and the void for the first time, and having no concept of what that actually means. i was, for a short while, like the iterators. i knew that ascension existed, and i knew that it involved some fluid that dissolved everything it touched, but i had never seen the other side… until i did. it really does mark a point of no return once you dive into the depths. a rubicon, if you will 😏. you are granted the gift of knowing what lies beyond, even if the ending is abstract and hard to grasp, you know what they have been looking for, and there is no way they would have ever found the answer.

all this is to say, i think that the plot of rain world is actually not that important to the experience of the game at all. not in the same way that it is to other games. if anything, i think understanding perfectly what’s going on is detrimental to the experience (that’s why i felt the downpour campaigns fell a little flat to me. they are a bit too straightforward, and the slugcats a little too strong). you are just a little animal, who may or may not be a history buff, making your way through this cruel world, when suddenly god tells you something you can’t possibly comprehend the consequences of, nor are you sure you actually want, but who are you to disagree?

this game really means a ton to me, and honestly? might have been some kind of spiritual experience, in a way. though i really didn’t feel that until after saint, which is the closest downpour ever came to recapturing the magic.

but that’s a discussion for another day.

On Rain World lore and it's implementation within the game.

This is kindof a random ramble I went on in a Discord chat and just feel like sharing elsewhere. (also note this is all primarily in reference to the original game, Survivor's story.)

I honestly think too many miss the forest for the trees a bit with RW, in terms of how important the lore is, if that makes sense. I talked with somebody about first-time experiences with the game and they said they'd watched a number of lore explanation videos on YT before starting, because of some reason along the lines of "I didn't trust the game to deliver its own story properly." To me this is almost saddening to hear because I really feel that misses the point of why the game has it's lore to begin with.

To me, while playing, any tidbits i learned about history or other information contributed to a feeling like the world I was navigating had a very real history that saturated it, yet one that I would be unable to grasp fully. It is an illusory feeling of realness, given how it is experienced. The game is mechanically not designed to incentivize collecting many information pearls, especially when in the original game you can literally just drop them off a cliff and lose them forever. You get the feeling often like you are bound to never be able to get everything, nor would you even probably want to put in the effort, so the illusion actually stays stronger because of that. Your mind wanders speculating about every little detail, whether intention truly existed behind it or not, because it feels like it did. You learned that it might have. Maintaining that illusion while playing I think is the primary reason they were included, not actually the experience of "knowing" the history. Rain World in general seems to have a thematic fixation on the simple idea that individuals have limited perspectives. Joar Jakobsson has said that one of the core ideas behind Rain World was to recreate the life of a "rat in Manhattan." That is to say, a creature that understands how to find food, hide, and live in a complex man-made structure, that cannot understand it's structuring purpose or why it was built. The very core issue of the iterators, is that the solution to the "great problem" intrinsically has to lie with knowledge that could only be obtained from "the other side." They are corporeal beings trying to know something that pertains to something outside corporeal reality. Yet pursuit of knowledge is very important to creatures like ourselves. Collecting any individual pearl is mostly an exercise in doing a lot just for little bits of knowledge. There is a lot of understanding of just how significant wanting to know more is, even something unimportant, when you are left in the dark the way you are in the game. Most information pearls you deliver are literally completely useless to know about, but they feel personally important, especially in how finding them relates to your connection to the iterators. My primary motivation to find pearls in my first play was to spend more time with Moon. On a very real emotional level, Moon felt like my only friend in the world while I played. On a mechanical level, she does literally nothing. But Rain World manages to operate on a very emotional, even instinctual level with how it's designed. I wanted to be in her company and have something to give her. Because I am alone, and lost. So something along those lines is why I felt saddened to hear the sentiment like Rain World somehow "fails" to deliver it's "story." The purpose of the game is not to find pearls and hear about some grand narrative. At it's core, Rain World is a game that's design was inspired by nature, and it's use of history within the world relates to us as a player the way history relates to us as people. It is relayed through people reading from records created by parties with their own perspectives, and connects us abstractly to a sensation that there is more out there than our own lives. That is a feeling you have as a player, and ultimately the true story that Rain World tells is the memories you have playing it. What you did, saw, and felt. The same as how our story is that of our own lives. That is the purpose of the game.

[sandsofdteam-moved]

I’m not sure who TRO is and at this point I’m too afraid to ask

[ihatebnha]

Yes hi can I geettttttt one large Katsuki with a side of dick please?

yes ma'am coming right up....... ok its ready come pick it up at the register

keyword: LARGE katsuki... extra large... 2 XL.... 3 xl.... head go brrrrr

premise: where in which you model dynamight’s new clothing line and for whatever reason dynamight himself can’t keep his hands off of u...

enjoy <3<3 i kinda popped off lowkey (even tho i ended up using his hero name smh im sowwy)

-

It’s not like you’re small.

You think you’re a good size. Absolutely fine, of a perfect height, in a perfect body, everything. There is not a single thing about you that isn’t normal or expected, and for all the time you spend thinking about your looks, in the end, your body, for all it’s worth, is yours and actually quite comfortable.

But damn. If Katsuki Bakugo, the infamous, the incredible, Dynamight, isn’t one of the largest men you have ever seen in your fucking life.

In comparison to him, you might as well be the size of a kid. A doll.

It’s not like you didn’t know this... or at least, could have guessed. His height is broadcasted to the world in all the interviews he’s in, and mentioned in almost every hero gossip magazine like it’s the only cool thing about him… It’s just that, in real life, he’s a bit more... imposing… than you thought he would be. 

The only real images you have of him are from the sports festivals you watched when you were younger, and the blurry shots from the news that play on repeat almost every day.

Neither of which truly encapsulate the sheer size of him in comparison to you, and really, what a powerhouse of a man he actually is.

Bakugo towers over everyone, at least by a full head, and what he doesn’t have in height, he makes up for in bulk. His body is nothing less than that of a statue’s, and by all means just goes to show anyone, villain or not, that he is an absolute machine of destruction, a predator, you name it, wrapped in muscle and sinew and brutal, pink scars.

And he is currently shirtless, standing on the well-lit, white tarp of the studio background, waiting for you.

“Where’s the new extra?”

He bemoans, his expression curved into a mean scowl, practically stomping a foot in the direction of his manager, to which your stomach does flip flops and your heart sinks. Too busy caught up in watching him from afar, you rush to pull off the robe they draped you in and hurry to his side, dressed only in a Dynamight themed lingerie set and boots, held together with ridged, green garters.

“I’m here, I’m sorry, I-“

Bakugo’s eyes flit to yours, halting your nervous words instantly, before moving his gaze to look you up and down as he nods his head back and gestures to his side.

“Doesn’t matter now,” he purrs, his voice deep and rough, a hand reaching out to grab your arm, “Get over here.”

You nod, quickly, your teeth knocking together as you move into position beside him and face the camera that’s been teasing you since you got here.

Hired to model a new line of intimate, Dynamight clothing march, you know that his agency only called you because everyone else on their roster had quit. They called you because supposedly Dynamight was sick of looking at “models…” and said that out of everyone, you were the only one he had approved of… Though you know that probably just means that all the other girls were chased away by Bakugo’s mean snarl, and you were the first replacement to answer the phone.

Still…

Part of you doesn’t entirely believe that, at least if the way you feel Katsuki Bakugo practically salivating over your shoulder is anything to go by, his wide chest against your back as he very, non-discreetly presses his hips into your ass and runs his thick hand over your sides.

And when the sounds of shutters start going off, your expression now neutralized for the camera and nervousness long buried for another time, you can’t help but let yourself lean back into him, your hands moving to rest on his as he grips your waist with the strength only a hero in the Top Ten could have.

-

If you thought that Bakugo was large before… you are definitely not disappointed now.

You are on your knees in front of him, his legs spread to accommodate the way you sit between them, and your hands on his thighs as he hastily frees his cock from the cage that is his sweatpants.

You can’t help but gape, staring open-mouthed at the already hard member, which curves upward toward his belly and is surrounded by fine, blonde pubes.

“Surprised?” he mutters, a knowing lilt to his raspy voice, enjoying the sight of you going slack jawed, and he smirks at your expression, his canines bared and eyes heavy-lidded.

It’s large. So large you suddenly wonder what you’re doing, and how the hell you’re going to please him properly. He’s definitely the biggest you’ve seen probably... ever, and though the feelings are mostly overwhelmed by a twisted sense of desire, fear strikes your heart when you think about taking him in your mouth and… elsewhere.

You narrow your eyes, one hand reaching out to gently grip the shaft, the head unashamedly dripping a milky precum which you use to give him a few timid pumps before looking to his eyes for confirmation that that is what he wants.

He groans immediately, almost sounding relieved, throwing his head back onto the back of the chair as you shyly work him.

“I’ve been thinking about you all day, you know,” he says into the air, “You and that fuckin’ body.”

To be honest, it’s no surprise, especially when you consider how he practically didn’t take his hands off you the entire shoot, and think about the fact that in more than a few of the photos you took, his mouth was on some part of your body…

You can’t help but worry your lip between your teeth thinking about it, blinking up at him and staying silent.

“What, you scared of me or something, baby?”

Bakugo tilts his head toward yours, an eyebrow raised in question, aiming to close the gap between your faces but not quite entirely. 

“No, I just…” you hesitate, unsure of how to proceed. If anyone knows how attractive Bakugo is, it’s he himself, and you definitely don’t want to ruin the moment by saying something stupid.

You also don’t want him in on the information that you’ve never been with a guy so big, alongside the fact that you’ve never been with a Pro Hero of his caliber, either, afraid that maybe he’ll mock you for your inexperience or sudden petulance, and in thinking so, you settle with a shrug, a smile, and a simple,

“I’m just nervous.”

Though your hand on his dick slows to an embarrassing stop, being that you’re too preoccupied with trying to fight the urge to shy away from his intense red eyes, his smile only returns, still cocky, still Bakugo, but nonetheless quite sweet. 

And in his smile, in the way he wraps one hand around yours on his cock before leaning down to kiss you, it doesn’t take much thought to know that he’ll most definitely take care of you, big dick or not. 

He’s a hero, after all, the biggest one you know. 

-

The pictures end up being released about a month later, to which all of your friends (and almost the entirety of Japan) immediately pick up their phone to ask you about. They gush over Dynamight, telling you how lucky you are to have scored the modeling gig, to have been so up close and personal with the Dynamight himself, but you can only laugh in response.

Looking at the photos, though, you can see what they mean, as once again you are reminded of just the sheer size of him, the images doing nothing to hide the way your head doesn’t even reach his chin, or how his fingers on your waist easily dip toward your belly button in a tight squeeze.

Or the fact that in all of them, he looks at you like he’s absolutely, positively smitten.

And from the glaring, possessive look in his eyes, you are also reminded of your escapade in the dressing room, the way Bakugo smiled at you, and the large cock that will haunt your sexual fantasies for the rest of your life.  

It’s honestly no wonder that, when the Dynamight himself posts a photo from the shoot on his personal page, the caption is a bold, “call me.”

[palimpsessed]

Please please please could you talk about this parallel internal monologue—what are your thoughts?

BAZ

I kiss him back, squarely. Firmly. Matter-of-factly. You’re all I want, I think. And you can have everything you need.”

“I’m not sure what he’s telling me with this kiss. I pretend it’s Yes and Yes and Be kind to me.”

SIMON

“Fine, you fucker. Have me. Just have me. Do your worst, you stubborn twat. Be the death of me. You’ll be the death of me.”

Oh ho ho, my dear Anon. Of course I will talk about this part!!! What a meaty passage to sink my teeth into.

To put things as simply as possible, the juxtaposition we see between these two sections is the perfect encapsulation of the different ways Simon and Baz express and receive love.

Let's start by taking a look at Baz's piece, as it does come first. (Read that sentence out of context, I dare ya.)

At this point in the book, Baz and Simon have just had one of the most critical relationship-building conversations thus far. Simon has set boundaries about magic being cast on his body that Baz has agreed to. They've talked about Lamb and America and settled that matter for good. Baz has managed to lasso Simon with own tail and proceeded to do some very interesting things to it. (I'm going to do my best not to get distracted by that, but, Anon, if you know anything about me, you'll know what an absolutely monumental struggle that is.) Simon has asked Baz to be less kind to him and Baz has delivered, as only Baz can, one of the most romantic lines in the entire trilogy: "I can touch you less gently, but I won't love you less kindly."

And that leads me neatly to my first point: Baz wants to be gentle and kind with Simon, because that's what he thinks Simon needs and deserves. Gentleness and kindness are what Baz wants from Simon. That's how he thinks love should be. They've both seen and done horrible things, and he believes their love should offer a solace from all of that.

(That offering of solace is a theme throughout AWTWB. Slightly off topic, we see their bed become more and more such a sanctuary—perhaps the only place where the troubles of the outside world cannot reach them. @theflyingpeach has shared some beautiful thoughts on the bed's symbolism—their own Eden/paradise and a place where they help one another lay aside the burdens that could otherwise separate them. I've remarked before that Baz's childhood bedroom serves as a kind of refuge for them in CO in the midst of some truly steep trauma, so it was really lovely to see this kind of idea brought forward and deepened and expanded on in AWTWB in this way.)

Baz wants to give Simon kindness, safety, gentleness—three things he's been sorely deprived of in his life. When Simon is beside himself because Baz makes him a sandwich the way he likes, Baz responds internally with: "As if I wouldn't make the world spin backwards if I thought he'd like it better that way." Baz would give Simon anything, would do anything to make him happy. Baz wants to be a kind, caring, thoughtful boyfriend to the love of his life—who he knows is struggling with trauma and self-worth. All the while, Baz himself is also struggling big time with trauma and self-worth. (It's almost like they match.) It feels pretty logical that someone in Baz's place would look at Simon's struggle and wish to be soft and gentle—especially basing this logic on how he feels. He asks Simon to be gentle with him their first time together. Maybe that's because it's Baz's first time. Maybe that's because he wants to feel fragile instead of being reminded that he's an indestructible vampire. Maybe that's because gentle is just what he wants. Maybe it's all of the above. In this case, the reason isn't really important, but the fact that it's what Baz needs is. If it's how Baz needs to receive love, then it follows it's how he would give love. (Rainbow tagged a post about AWTWB shortly before the book was released with the Beatles' lyric: "and in end, the love you take is equal to the love you make". I don’t think that was by chance.)

All this is to say that the conversation Simon and Baz have before the parallel passages in question reveals that Simon isn't comfortable receiving love in this same way. He doesn't want gentle and kind and soft because he doesn't know how to process feelings like that. I'm going to do something different and tag the @youhearbiggirls podcast whose July 29 episode talked about this in a really great way (at 26:20)—including discussion of a message from Rainbow's now-deleted Twitter account. I was so happy to hear that old tweet being talked about, because I thought it was really great and was sad it was lost when Rainbow deleted her account. And! Because they mentioned the date of the tweet and people and the search function on discord are awesome, I was able to locate a screenshot someone shared!

The takeaway here is that Simon isn't programmed to accept love and kindness from others. His brain and his body have been conditioned for violence and fight or flight by trauma. He doesn't know how to accept or process good feelings and sensations, because to him, those sensations actually feel bad. They're foreign, and therefore frightening to him. That's why he feels like he has to flee when he's being physical with Baz—or, rather, I think, when Baz is trying to be physical with him. This is what Simon is attempting to express when he tells Baz that he doesn't "like that feeling. That, like, feathery feeling. Like, touch me or don't—but don't, like, whisper on me." Simon takes a huge step forward when he's able to finally verbalize this to Baz—it also goes a long way to allowing them to be physically intimate.

Baz's half of the parallel passage addresses this directly: "I kiss him back, squarely. Firmly. Matter-of-factly." This is Baz consciously making an adjustment in how he treats Simon to better give him the kind of love that Simon needs, the kind of love he asked for. His thoughts here reinforce this. "You're all I want" he tells Simon in his head, and he means it.

He understands much more about Simon now. He's seen more of who Simon is. And he still loves him. Simon—all of Simon—is still the only person Baz wants. "And you can have everything you need", Baz promises Simon. He's going to give Simon the kind of love and affection that Simon has asked for. He's going to be firm. He's going to kiss him squarely on the mouth, not softly. He's going to be direct and he's not going to let himself be scared or timid or shy away. Simon needs boldness and bravery and unequivocation. Baz is up to the task, and this is his way of showing that to Simon.

And then…! "I'm not sure what he's telling me with this kiss. I pretend it's Yes and Yes and Be kind to me."—Be kind to me.—Baz has admitted that he's "more used to guessing what Simon is thinking—what he's feeling, what he wants." He's once more trying to fill in those gaps in his mind, except this time, he actually understands Simon. They've finally gotten to a place where Simon is speaking for himself and Baz doesn't have to guess. The kiss comes immediately after Simon asks Baz to be less kind, and Baz has refused on the basis that it is exactly the opposite of what Simon needs, even if Simon doesn't see it that way. While Baz is kissing Simon—firmly, squarely, not in a new way, but definitely in a way he hasn't for a while—Baz is hoping that Simon will feel differently. That he'll feel good enough and safe enough with Baz to not only accept kindness, but to ask for it. To understand and internalize his need for kindness, and then to be able to accept it from Baz. For Simon, accepting kindness is being vulnerable, and as much as he loves Baz, he's not yet at a place where he feels safe and settled. He convinced himself early on that there was no security in their relationship, and he doesn't yet trust any security in his life—it's not something he's had to count on. So for Simon to ask Baz with his kiss to "be kind" would be monumental—it would be him undoing a lifetime of programming for violence and giving himself fully into their relationship and their future together.

Of course, we know what Simon is really telling Baz with his kiss. Onward to part two!

"You're all I want," Baz says, trying to convince Simon not to be jealous of Lamb. "Fine, you fucker. Have me. Just have me" then serves as Simon's response. In fact, this whole section seems to be in conversation with Baz—but more so the reconciliation scene than their preceding conversation.

Let's take a little trip back to Chapter 16. "If we do this", Baz says then of getting back together—of Simon trying—"I want the full Simon Snow treatment…I want the locked jaw. The squinty eyes. The shoulders." (I mean, same, Baz.) "I want you to slay a dragon before you give up on me, do you understand?...I want you to try everything before you give up on us again." If we start here, then I think we can trace these threads through directly to what Simon is thinking when he kisses Baz.

Baz wants the full Simon Snow treatment? "Fine", Simon says, "Have me. Just have me." Baz wants him to fight and "try everything" before he gives up? "Do your worst" is Simon's answer. "I thought you'd go down fighting if you believed in something…" Baz says. So, Simon responds with: "Be the death of me. You'll be the death of me." The kiss in Chapter 32 then becomes a rebuttal of sorts. It's Simon's closing argument. He's opened himself up to Baz and told him what he needs. He's "Use[d his] words" and now he's using his mouth the way he's most comfortable—kissing Baz. Kissing him fiercely and telling him everything he's feeling with it. More than that, it's his way of showing Baz—not just telling him—that he's going to keep his word. He's going to try now, and this is him trying for Baz. This is him meeting every challenge, every demand that Baz issued, and slaying them like dragons. He's going to fight, he's going to give his all, he's going to risk everything to make his relationship with Baz work this time. Simon asking Baz for what he needs was a major victory in his ongoing battle with insecurity and I think he's feeling buoyed by that, a swell of confidence that comes through in the fierceness of his thoughts.

I'd like to spend a little more time with the last line: "Be the death of me. You'll be the death of me." Let's look at this in terms of what we know of Simon. He needs fierceness, passion, violence to feel comfortable.

Both Simon and Baz are all or nothing in the way they think about each other and the love they feel, but I think we're seeing something else with Simon's "Be the death of me. You'll be the death of me." The first time he tells Baz that he loves him, Baz is shocked. He truly doesn’t believe that Simon is in love with him, and when he questions it, Simon's reasoning is: "I've killed so many things for you." And when Simon is facing off with the goblin, he lets the goblin get close because "The Mage taught me that sometimes the best way to get under someone's guard is to let them close." If violence is what Simon knows and understands, if that's what's comfortable to him, then it makes sense these are the terms in which Simon views everything, including his relationship with Baz. From his earliest moments under the Mage's control, Simon learned to think of himself as expendable. He was the Chosen One, a weapon, a blade to be kept sharp. He internalized the idea that he wouldn't live through the war and the Humdrum—he said "I’ll fight until I can't anymore". He spends most of his childhood with the belief that the greatest thing he will ever do is die—fall in battle saving the world. His highest aspiration in life is to sacrifice himself for the people he loves. I think this is at the heart of what he's thinking during that kiss with Baz: the way he knows best to prove his love to Baz is to offer him his life—"Be the death of me. You'll be the death of me."

I don't think Simon’s moved passed this way of thinking about himself & the price he thinks he has to pay to prove his love. (Further underscoring this, Baz tells him to “slay a dragon” and Simon is—probably—a dragon...) But I think this is so much of who Simon is at his core, beyond the manipulation he suffered at the Mage's hands, that he'll always play the hero because it's inherent to his nature. He does put himself into harm's way & lies to Baz to protect him. The good part in all this is that living a life of peace with Baz will present far fewer chances for Simon to put his life on the line in order to prove himself, and finally, someday, he'll realize that he doesn't have anything to prove. Until then, he'll keep trying for Baz in the best way he knows how.

Thanks so much for this ask!

As ever, if anyone has thoughts to add or other questions to ask, please do send them along. 😘

[tbartss]

please tell me why u hate r*d white and r*yal blue bc it's in my to read list and i wanna know if it's worth it

bro where do i even begin. I will just paste my goodreads review because I feel like it truly encapsulated everything I felt about it when I finished it. Things I have added now are marked in italics.

"As someone who has read a lot of fanfiction, I get it. I totally get why this was so massively popular, because it’s written exactly like those massively popular, enemies to lovers, friends with benefits, 400k+ word fanfics at the top of the AO3 page, right down to one of them being racially ambiguous, the standard gay/bi pairing, and to the crack fanfic dialogue. Which is to say, I was not impressed. I get it though. The book is fun and heavy on the smut and “romance”, which is what the people want. But I’m going to be honest, I expected more. The writing style resembling the fanfiction writing style down to a T was charming at first, but ended up feeling juvenile, and at some points downright cringy and cheesy. I mean, really, no one talks like that. Especially not the First Family of the White House, by god. This works in fanfiction because no one is really taking crackfics seriously, it's just for laughs, but in this book it just came off as distateful and tone deaf (especially regarding the political aspects, omg don't even get me started on that) because, well, it's a published book that is printed and distributed into actual bookstores which people spend their money on... The characters were introduced in the standard fanfiction way (as in you’re just expected to know everything about them already), which, again, works for fanfiction but not so much in published books, and this left them unfortunately flat and shallow. They had no personality or chemistry for that matter, and there was barely any character growth, the story choosing to focus more on the drama, which also was not really that compelling. It was obvious from the get-go that the background drama was merely a plot device (one not necessarily well done) to further the romance, which again is charming in fanfiction (because hey in fanfiction we truly are there for the romance) but I expect more from published books. Not to mention the whole politics deal, oh god, I won’t even touch on that because I’m sure you don’t have to be a genius to know that that is not how politics work… The Big Conflict was… not impressive. The whole thing seemed to hinge on the fact that Henry couldn’t produce heirs with Alex (which yea would make sense) except Henry isn’t the first born and therefore not the direct heir to the throne. Which makes it not any of his problem lol. Furthermore the whole conversation with the Queen seemed so trivial and shallow that I couldn’t take it seriously. It was like the author didn't know what to do as a conflict either and just pulled something out of her ass. It feels like the conflict was blown WAY out of proportion, even though there was potential for important themes to be explored like the bigotry of the royal family and also the First Family for that matter and the implications of a cross-country gay relationship (which is another thing, I know I said I wouldn't touch upon it, but the way the author portrayed American politics or politics in general made it so clear to me that she doesn't actually know what she's talking about and she's just coming off as naive. I wish she had chosen literally any other setting than the one she chose.)

If I wanted a shitty fanfiction I would have just opened my browser and typed in AO3 where I can find this exact storyline and these exact characters for free. P.s. I’m half-convinced the author had just watched Hamilton the Musical before and/or during writing this book."

[bubmyg]

there was no particular reason i wrote all this down other than reading the translations to my universe made me cry last week because i’m just Like this. this is a mini compilation of yoongi lyrics that i hold gently in my palm and close to my heart in a he’s my artist for life kind of way. these aren’t all my favorite yoongi lyrics, i certainly have more but not ones that fit this general vibe. 

this is like extremely disorganized, i kind of just wrote it like a journal (and i’ll probably copy it to my bullet journal at some point actually). interpretations are my own, music is cool in that we can all read and hear the same thing and get different things out of it (which is why yoongi has often said he doesn’t attach specific meaning to things, giving it up to the listener instead)

so yeah. here’s me being fond of yoongi in 4k for no reason other than. idk. i wanted to. all translations are from doyoubangtan and doolsetbangtan. 

song request - lee sora ft suga

“I’ll be with you, for your birth and your end; That you’d remember that I’m with you, wherever you are; I’ll be a comfort for your life at any time, and so; please, that you’d lean on me and take a rest, every once in awhile.”

to me, this perfectly encapsulates what creating music is for yoongi in a two-fold kind of way. not only does he want his music to be a source of comfort for those who listen to it (just as the art of music is for himself), he’s also consistent in his assurance that taking a rest is okay. not being okay is okay. simply existing for the time being is okay. it’s a gentle empathy that comes from the experienced heart of someone who’s not going to tell you that it is okay, but will tell you that it won’t always be like this. friendly little moon trying to get you to smile with him on sleepless nights.

so far away - agust d ft suran

dream, will eventually be in full bloom at the end of hardships

this was on my undergrad graduation cap. it’s one of my favorite lyrics of all time. if so far away is my heart song, this is my heart lyric. this is a common motif in yoongi’s lyrics; dormancy is only temporary, you will bloom at the end of the cold winter.

dream, hope it to be there with you at your creation and at the end of your life

creation to end is another common motif n his lyrics. in this specific context, i imagine it to most closely be analogous to holding dreams close to you your entire life. dreams are dreams no matter how they manifest, even if they’re simply something you long for until your “end”.

Hope it to be there with you at your creation and at the end of your life; It will be generous to you wherever you stand; It will eventually be in full bloom at the end of hardships; The beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will the future be

the entirety of this song reads like a story and this last refrain reads like the conclusion (kind of). the slight wording change from the previous choruses means a lot in that regard, more definite and firm. you will be okay. maybe not now, maybe not next week. but you will be.

suga’s interlude - halsey ft suga

Though the dawn before sunrise is darkest; don’t forget the stars you longed for only rise in the darkness

just a really pretty but heart wrenching lyric in the context of the entire song. he’s also used this metaphor several times. i love me a good string of consistency with minor adaptations to fit the vibe. this song also made me cry the first time i read the translations lmao.

my universe - coldplay ft bts

Because the trial we face now is just for a moment anyway; All you have to do is to just keep shining bright like now; And we will follow you, embroidering this long night

this could mean so many things depending on how you wanted to contextualize it. of course the song is about love, so you could view it in that way. we’re in the midst of a global pandemic where we can’t see each other. or maybe it’s simply existence. continue to exist and one day your bright light will be followed even in the darkest of nights.

also the og title of telepathy being 잠시 (for a moment) is so...min yoongi you are so cool

people - agust d

Did someone say humans are the animals of wisdom?; The way I see it, humans are the animals of regret

Your ordinaries are my extraordinaries; Your extraordinaries are my ordinaries; Your ordinaries are my extraordinaries; Your extraordinaries are my ordinaries

super simple to understand which i think makes it more poignant. especially if you contextualize it with everything he’s said or written regarding the plight of fame and how he himself grapples with it as min yoongi.

28 - agust d ft niihwa

just this whole song. if song request encapsulates yoongi’s musical ethos, this captures a lot of his general musings.

paradise - bts

Just living like this, surviving like this, that’s my small dream; Dreaming dreams, grasping dreams, breathing breaths, it’s often too much

a more blunt take on the simply existing is a good enough dream. yoongi’s 2018 new years message was one of the things that made me go “yes. Him™” so paradise is very <3 for me

interlude: shadow - bts

Flying high scares me; I mean, nobody had told me; how lonely it is here –;how my leap could be my fall

another thing he uses frequently, even as recently as an interview regarding permission to dance. the contemplation of how a fall is far scarier than landing because getting back up is uncertain.

Yeah, I’m you and you’re me, do you finally get that now?; Yeah, you’re me and I’m you, do you finally get that now?

the entirety of this song is haunting particularly paired with the sampling and the music video as a visual but this part is just...the whole idea of competing internal voices throughout the narrative of the song or if you’d rather truly treat the lyrics like a piece of literature, you have quite the unreliable narrator, one that’s trying to grapple with his own sense of self.

140503 at dawn - agust d

Pretending that I’m not lonely, pretending that I’m not suffering; needlessly pretending that I’m okay, and pretending hard that I’m strong; I built a wall in front of me, “Don’t come inside”; I’m an island in this wide ocean, “Don’t abandon me”

the entirety of agust d just makes me ache but i mainly pulled this part because he uses the island metaphor consistently. here, it’s used like i said before; achingly.

this song also gets overlooked a lot in the larger context of agust d but anyway

eight - IU ft suga

Island, yeah this is an island; a small island that we made for each other; Yeah, mm, forever young, the word ‘forever’ is a sandcastle; A farewell is just like an emergency text warning of a disaster; A morning met together with yearning; As each of us pass this eternity, we’re sure to meet again on this island

can i be honest and say i forgot this song came out at the beginning of the pandemic. anyway, if you haven’t heard the various times that jieun has spoke about this song and it’s conveyance, i encourage you to. the music video also gives a beautiful visual.

i wrote a small analysis of this when it came out so i’ll just put it here 

burn it - agust d ft max

I hope you don’t forget that giving up decisively also counts as courage

of course this can absolutely be taken at a literal meaning especially considering he said a similar iteration of this to someone on kkul fm BUT i also like looking at it in context of the entire song because maybe this is him trying to convince himself too, especially considering the wording of the last chorus doesn’t change it so it implies in order to get past the fire u need to let it burn first? burn it = giving up on some aspect of pain?

i see why max didn’t shut up for eight months about making this song i wouldn’t either hello

outro: tear - bts

im including this one firstly because i love the song but secondly to say i knew the second u all were surprised by yoongi saying he wrote this as essentially a break up song for bts and they all cried while listening to it that y’all don’t actually read or interact w their lyrics fjdklafjsd

just bc it’s a rap song doesn’t mean it’s a diss or a flex. weirdos.

intro: never mind - bts

I hope you forget about all your mistakes and such; Never mind; It’s not easy, but engrave this in your heart; If you think you’re going to crash, accelerate more, you idiot; Never mind, never mind; Whatever thorny path it may be, go run; Never mind, never mind; There are a lot of things that you can’t control

the entire composition of nevermind is similar to first love and shadow to me where you can just hear the emotion in his voice while performing it

this is also another general idea that he mentions a few different times through different songs which as we’ve seen i am <3 for

intro: the most beautiful moment in life - bts

once again i don’t have a specific lyric to pull i just love this song so much and i feel like it isn’t talked about enough because first of all the use of the basketball throughout the instrumental, the incorporation of the origin of his stage name into an entire song regarding his general existence as a performer and coming into the beginnings of sizeable fame, and just his general way of essentially writing one giant ode to something he loves and analogizing it to something else he loves to talk through internal struggles.

aka im once again saying min yoongi you’re so cool

first love - bts

same line of awe from above this whole song is just a story, a poem, a journal entry, a beautiful confession, i don’t know. this is yoongi’s best bts solo u can argue with a wall about it also if you were able to see this live i hope u have a terrible week (im joking)

every fancam i’ve ever seen of this makes me cry. so. do with that what you will in regards to how i feel about this song.

[goldafterglow]

Head canon: MAKING JACK BLUSH. I NEED TO SEE IT. 🥺

Summary: Jack Daniels is a pretty cowboy.

Paring: Jack “Whiskey” Daniels x reader

Word Count: 1.3k+

Warnings: soft!Jack, no sins but they are for sure basking in the post-sin afterglow, a lil bit of blushing for our baby boy, this is not beta read bc i’m impatient

Author’s Note: YESDJHGJFD I LOVED EVERY SECOND OF THIS. This is also my first little like drabble, except it’s too long but ig 1.3k is a drabble for me kids this is the standard.

It’s early in the morning. 1:43 am to be exact. But you can’t bring yourself to end the night; he always make it so hard to sleep. In a good way of course; a really good way.

It’s in the afterglow that his feelings begin to melt, glaciers in his mind turning to liquid as the golden amber spills gently from his lips and over your chest so that it will encapsulate you, dry around you and encase you, keeping his words wrapped around your body forever. Embroidered into the soft chenille of your neck and whispered into the lobes of your ears. He speaks to you in a way that you can feel; it’s a pleasure of its own to feel his lips kiss the dips of your clavicles through his words, his voice low and sending wide vibrations through your sternum. It feels sinful, heavenly, like something too good to be right.

It feels nice.

You’re laid by him on your side, face buried into his bare chest as his thick fingers run along the curve of your spine, re-exploring you with a sense of focused clarity that he doesn’t often get when he’s overwhelmed with lust and passion. His fingers are careful, sensitive, picking up on every bump and blemish until he can paint the perfect picture of you under his closed eyelids, even as the meek moonlight bathes your waist and glimmers against the sheets. Perfect.

He’s resolved to a comfortable state of wordlessness, eyes trained on the top of your head as you bask. There truly is something golden about the afterglow he casts onto you; you always seem to feel like you’re floating, like not even gravity could keep you from ascending to the clouds with him. He makes you feel precious.

With an inhale of his musk, you slowly nudge your chin so that you can look up at him, fingers tracing his jaw. You love to let him shower you in his affection like a delicate hummingbird is kissed by tiny drops of rain, but you rarely take the time to take him in. The bump of his nose is highlighted by the window’s rays, his lips still a little blushed and swollen from the night. The side of your palm runs up along the side of his face before finding his hair; it’s been mussed, disheveled by your greedy fingers. Gorgeous.

“What’s going on in that big beautiful mind of yours, angel?” Jack ponders, prodding you tenderly with his words. He can tell when you’re lost in thought, lost in him. Perhaps he can’t tell when you have no desire to be found, when you want to be left to traverse the tall grass of his forest and hug the applewood in his eyes. What a way to go.

“Nothing, Jack,” you assure. It’s a weak excuse, an almost embarrassing attempt at deflecting his question, but maybe it’s because you want him to ask you again, dig a little deeper into you so he can make a home inside you. Never leave.

“Now, darlin’,” he starts, feigning a little sternness in his tone, “I think you know good and well that ol’ Jack can tell when you’re fibbin’. Ain’t no use lyin’ to me, honey. I’ll catch ya every time.” Your heart swells swells a little at his words, because he’s so honest with you. You know he knows you, sometimes better than you know yourself. He’s made you his hobby, learning you like a subject and studying you like a book. He can always read you.

And yeah; he always catches you.

You take a few diamond-adorned seconds to look at him; his mustache rests right on top of his soft smile, there to accent his words and tickle your neck when he’s feeling playful. His eyes are wide like when a two-month old baby can finally look at its mother in awe, utterly mystified and doe-y. His face is sculpted by the gods, chiseled to magnificence in his charcoal features, and yet he uses it to show you he loves you. He loves you.

“You’re so pretty, Jack,” you whisper. The words barely leave your lips as a noise, traveling to his ears as wisps of the breeze you blow onto him.

Jack Daniels is floored.

It’s not a word he’d ever use to describe himself. Cocky, sure. Sexy, absolutely. Brash, confident, competent; he wasn’t too shy to toot his own horn every once in a while. But pretty? Flowers are pretty; butterflies are pretty. When the sleepy sun yawns and breathes a peach glow onto the front-porch flower bed, that’s pretty. When you step outside to dip yourself in the golden afterglow and he walks out into the backyard to find you sitting on the quaint bench he built just for you. When he drags himself into the kitchen in the morning to find you already there, frying up bacon on his stove in nothing but his unbuttoned flannel and last night’s bra; that is fucking pretty.

But Jack Daniels -- is he pretty? He looks down at you carefully. He can tell when you’re fibbin’, after all. 

You don’t look like a dishonest woman to him.

“You’ve already got me in bed with you,” he teases, trying to deflect. He can’t handle the weight of your words, isn’t strong enough to hide what they do to him, and he needs you to take them back before he bursts into a supernova of rouge love. “You don’t need to-”

“I mean it, baby,” you interrupt, tone serious. You can tell he doesn’t want to believe you, doesn’t want to grapple with the intensity of your thoughts. But he needs to know, he has to trust you’re not deceiving him. “You’re beautiful.”

His smirk is gone, his smug, self-assured grin nowhere to be seen. The room is dark; he knows that. But the moonlight hits him just right, at just the right angle that you can see that sweet strawberry syrup tint his cheeks, giving him up. You can’t help but smile a little, like you’ve done something good. He’s good.

Jack’s breathing is a little jagged, his heartbeats a little stuttered. What was it he’d done to deserve you again? Oh right; nothing.

Your hand leaves his hand to cup his red cheek, thumb running right under his big eyes. He leans into it, face turning a little to nuzzle your palm, and the notion makes you giggle. A fierce lion reduced to a whimsical lamb, so gentle under your touch. He is vulnerable when he is with you, especially in these shared moments of solitude, and you wonder if you could look at him like this forever.

Blushing.

“C’mere, pretty boy,” you tease, but you mean it. You mean every word.

You nudge him towards you, his face finding solace in your chest. He shifts down a little, his soft body wrapping around your middle. He can hide in you, feel pretty in your arms. He’s safe in you.

“You think I’m pretty, sugar?” he asks softly. Almost a little timid. He’s embarrassed to need validation like this, ashamed that he’s practically begging you to say those words again, but you make him feel so warm, so secure, and he knows that the last person to leave him for a lapse in strength is you.

You press a kiss to the top of his scalp, his wild hair tickling your nose but you don’t care; you want him close. Closer.

“I know it,” you whisper, throat closing on itself a little because you’re so grateful that you finally get to tell him. That Jack can finally begin to grasp just how much he means to you. There’s so much more you want to say, but you don’t want to overwhelm him with it because you know he loves you with a fury and passion that drowns him without you piling on your love too.

And as Jack closes his eyes, finally ready to let the night end, he thinks he might know it too.

Tags (ik this is a drabble but idk lmao):  @gustavos @catfishingmorales @keeper0fthestars @1zashreena1 @blancatobarxoxo @honeyedspace @chaotic-noceur @opheliaelysia @adikaofmandalore @din-damn-djarin @mrsparknuts @girlwithanewplan @mrschiltoncat @buckstaposition @the-feckless-wonder @ergotautology (girl you know what to do) 

also im gonna never tag anyone in my headcanons again bc that was embarrassing yikes gjfhdjgd

[astrogations]

Giving theme songs to a bunch of Hal ships because I can and I’m in the mood but I try to keep it short.

(they all can be read as platonic too if you love gen content as much as me)

Hal x Carol - If I Can’t Have You (og by Shawn Mendes but I’m talking very specifically about the Skylar Astin cover he did on the show, Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist. It’s because the angst of not being able to be on the right time with each other comes through on that. Also because I find it more pure and more meaningful than the original version.)

Hal x Barry - Cotton Candy Skies (by Esthie. It’s a pretty short song but the repetetiveness is meaningful. It’s kind of sad for a Halbarry song, but listen to it and tell me it’s not the euphoria they feel when they’re with each other and how their superhero business keeps them apart just as much as it brings them together.)

Hal x Bruce - Michelangelo (by Alberto Rosende, performed in the TV show ‘Shadowhunters’. One thing I’ve noticed a LOT in halbruce stuff is colours, and I really think this song captures the sort of secret world these two make with each other, away from the public and everyone else. Also it has angst but somehow makes you feel high in a good way!)

Hal x Ollie - Skyway Avenue (by We The Kings. I don’t think people would think of this song as particularly matching but I really feel it fits. It has a little aspect of challenging each other and pushing each other to be better which really encapsulates Hal and Ollie especially because they come from such different backgrounds. But the song also details the joy they feel at seeing each other, how hyped they get, how they just want to run with each other till their feet get too tired to even walk. They’re both really impulsive together too.)

Hal x Diana - She’s So High (by Tal Bachman. Okay, this is kind of a one-sided perspective song but it still counts. Hal always feels like Diana can do better than him but she still keeps reaching out to him and she keeps taking the first step and he just can’t even believe it’s happening.)

Hal x Clark - Middle of Somewhere (by The Neighbourhood. This is so them, I can’t. They don’t even know how they connected, because somehow the strings of their lives just wove together and now they’re here with each other and both are thinking ‘oh, this maybe isn’t so bad’. They’re in their own galaxy but it doesn’t even matter, because all they can see is each other for the first time and the setting is only stars everywhere because they're starting to understand each other’s figurative solar systems.)

Hal x John - Hold Back The River (by James Bay. They’re so often caught up in action because of their jobs, but it helps them understand each other and they truly see each other. Those tiny moments really make them want to take a step back and just gaze at each other for a little while, and even though they may go a long time without talking, they’ll always hold a place for each other because in the end, they find their way back.)

Hal x Guy - Rock Me (by One Direction (it’s their best song btw). Not only does this song have the fiery energy they have together, but it also shows the ups and downs of their interactions. How they’ve had all these moments in the past, and they really miss those and regret things they’ve said/felt about each other in the adrenaline of some particularly angsty moments. They found each other as a temporary safe space but they maybe feel like it shouldn’t be temporary.)

Hal x Jess Cruz (is this a thing?) - Dancing Shoes (by The Score. They just never thought that they could fit together because they thought each other’s values were too different. But there was something there and they wanted to try it at least, and it wasn’t easy, they hurt each other a lot accidentally at first, but they persevered because that’s how much they care about each other.)

Hal x Sinestro (for yokes lol) - Bob Dylan (by Fall Out Boy. Idk it’s just very funny to think of this song as embodying them because at the end, the essence of them is just obsession and attention,)

[kaminohana]

the meme man full analysis

Yeehaw here we go. Analysis of Mikoto Kayano’s video and song, along with some theories about the many themes and symbols in the video. Note: If there’s any other supplemental material for him out there, I haven’t read it. This is just an analysis with the music video we were given. If I happen to miss stuff that was mentioned before, I may talk about it in another post lmao

I was SUPER invested in this video as I watched it and soon realized “Oh shit, I think Mikoto’s plural”. Cuz, you know, I’m plural too (not disclosing what kind) and it felt SO good to see some actual parallels to stuff I go through- though of course not to Mikoto’s degree.

That said, I feel I should make a disclaimer in passing: yes, portraying your only plural character as homicidal ain’t the best representation. But, you know, we’ve seen other cases like that in Milgram so I’m just gonna leave it at that. Personally, I’m not that offended because the execution is SO top-notch. Though, hey, I totally understand how this can be very frustrating to other systems to see plurality depicted in such an unhealthy light- if it’s not for you, it’s not for you.

Keep in mind the point of the Milgram series is to make you uncomfortable in so quickly incriminating someone; if you’re hesitating to determine someone as guilty, hey, that’s probably intended and good! It’s about personal decision, so I’m not going to judge you one way or the other in voting. I just find it fascinating how these videos can put us in such conflict. This is all just my own perspective, BTW, so if you disagree with some of these points, good! I’m just hoping to share my thoughts since I can make a lot of connections. I’m by no means an expert in plurality or tarot, I just have some background in both and decided to try my hand at this analysis, so I really don’t the final say on what’s going on in the video.

Now, onto the actual video analysis.

I’m sticking with the basic idea that Mikoto is split into two parts; his more loveable, gentler side, which I referred to in another post as Softboy Mikoto, and the more violent side which may be acting as a catharsis to his frustrations. I referred to this side previously as the Devil alter, as he is depicted with the Devil major arcana tarot card. I can see how this could be taken badly, so for now I’m just going to refer to him as the shadow alter. There are many themes of duality in the video, most commonly with the symbol of the half moon which appears so many times. Shadow of the moon etc etc. I’ll be bringing this up several times as I analyze the lyrics. I’ll be breaking down the lyrics as evidence to support the idea that Mikoto is plural, and to show how softboy Mikoto (and shadow alter Mikoto) view this particular relationship and how this culminates in murder. Sometimes I refer to Mikoto (as a whole), softboy Mikoto, or shadow alter Mikoto depending on what I’m trying to describe in the below.

First piece: the title. MeMe. Me x2. A dead giveaway, like Umbilical. Also, it can be a meme, which is interesting taking the definition of the word meme in this context: “an element of a culture or system of behavior passed from one individual to another by imitation or other nongenetic means” (Oxford Dictionaries).  HMMMM. I know memes are generally within the context of a community, but I think it’s interesting to actually apply this to Mikoto. What exactly is being passed on? Could we argue that Mikoto’s frustrations from one of his parts is being passed on to the other? Interesting to think about, though it may not be relevant.

Going into the lyrics:

So from here I’m guessing there was a point in Mikoto’s life where his plurality was not an issue; or, potentially, there was a time before his split. These were the good times.

Playing dead vs. being alive – representing duality. May refer to how, when one side has their way, the other is locked away in the headspace with no control, thus feeling like being dead. In the context of “if only”, perhaps he’s wishing that he just didn’t do anything if only to prevent things from getting this far.

“If” I could end- I believe Mikoto (particularly softboy Mikoto) is saying “Hey, I have no control over my other side. If I did, would things still be the same? Would I still be ‘letting’ this happen?”

“Keep it” and “hide it away” I feel like are both representative of his shadow alter and of the desires that alter represents. Many words related to destruction are tied to this alter, so it could be seen as Mikoto trying to hide those urges as well.

“’I’ will save ‘me’”- this is a very interesting line that I think very well encapsulates the shadow alter’s initial motives; he’s saying “hey, I’m going to take care of us,” I believe to try and convince softboy Mikoto to let him out. As far as if softboy Mikoto can actually “let” him out is TOTALLY up for debate.

Part of the reason I refer to the other alter as softboy Mikoto is because there are softer words I notice used by him in the song; here’s I’m seeing “snuggle”, so I think this side of him is more vulnerable and soft.

SWITCH, shake up that brain- wow couldn’t be any more obvious here

This is where the chorus starts. This I think is from softboy Mikoto’s perspective, PARTICULARLY when he’s trapped in the headspace. There are many forms of plurality IRL in which alters cannot simultaneously front, so one or more are “pushed” back into the headspace. This very act occurs several times throughout the song in the weird minimalist vaporwave shadow realm room, where the tarot cards are. During this time, we can assume that is when the shadow alter is fronting. Softboy Mikoto slowly starts to become more helpless and fearful in this space as the song goes on, and this is where he makes his celtic cross tarot spread that quite frankly defines the whole song. I discussed that in my other post.

Another facet of plurality that is applied here is amnesia, which is common, especially when alters are pushed back to the headspace. Within the headspace, there may be a lack of awareness to the outside world, which Mikoto seems to express in his confused sentiments like the above (in the video, he is also scratching his head, which as a gesture can represent being confused). “Why am I here?” can act as a double entendre, both referring to “Why have I suddenly been pushed to this headspace?” as well as the whole point of Milgram- “Why am I in prison?”. He may not be aware of exactly what he did, hence why he feels it’s a mistake. He may be experiencing amnesia of what his shadow alter is doing, so he doesn’t even know what crime he committed. However, he at least has enough awareness to tell someone else is present in his body doing things, so he begs the viewer “Hey, just watch whatever my body is doing and it’ll all eventually make sense. I don’t have access to this information, but you do.” I thought this was an interesting fourth wall break.

The truth revealing itself could also be the truth coming to light from the particular tarot reading he does in the headspace; note that the cards only seem to be appear in this place and not in the outside world. So softboy Mikoto is trying to figure out what’s going on this way. If he can’t figure it out himself, maybe the cards can give him some direction.

Another duality- “I won’t forgive you if you reveal the truth” vs. “However I know I’m right when I say I’m innocent”. Or he could be right about something else.

I’m wondering if the breaking here is just reflecting the shadow alter or is softboy Mikoto actually wishing he could end the shadow alter. He at least wants things to change; the way things are right now is not something he’s okay with. Though, it sounds like he isn’t getting help with this and has no idea if he can even arrest full control again. It seems at this point, this has been going on for a while so he’s stopped trying.

In the video, the shadow alter is doing a GREAT job hiding the evidence; while of course probably just trying to not get caught, the shadow alter may also be trying to hide his crime from softboy Mikoto so he’s none the wiser.

He’s hoping he can be rid of the shadow alter side, but I think he also is dumping all his difficult feelings onto the shadow alter. Maybe he feels its some sort of release, even if he can’t control it, so he feels a lot of guilt over the shadow alter’s existence, even though that alter is serving a purpose as a conduit for those emotions.

I really really think though that there IS some connection between softboy Mikoto and shadow alter Mikoto. Maybe they are both truly aware of each other, hence the scene where they are viewing each other through the mirror. I think here, softboy Mikoto might be admitting that it feels good to let the shadow alter out, like a hug. The “minus energy” probably refers to the shadow alter.

“Maybe it’s okay that we’re separated like this?” he wonders. There seems to be a sense of feeling alive at least that is conveyed through the shadow alter.

SPLIT IN HALF- yeah, again, pretty encompassing.

In the video, I think this is when we have a switch, as Mikoto’s expression changes in the outside world mirror.

The chorus again, softboy Mikoto is shoved into the vaporwave shadow realm headspace. He’s asking the audience to investigate him here, but I also like to joke that he’s like “uwu look at me I could never harm anybody, pwease let me out”, which may be true only so far as softboy Mikoto is out.

I wonder if in “I will NEVER forgive you if this is happening to me” is directed at the shadow alter instead of the audience? Like softboy Mikoto is saying “I swear to god if you murdered someone im gonna be so pissed, but I also already kinda know it’s happening.” Just another take.

In the video, softboy Mikoto is THROWN into the headspace, where he is gifted with just one hint of what’s going on: The Devil tarot card.

You DARE accuse Miette of murder? Oh! 1000 years jail for Milgram viewer!

Now the vaporwave space starts to turn into a bloody mess; perhaps now softboy Mikoto is starting to put two and two together.

“Hurting it, holding it down, it doesn’t change anything, does it”- I definitely understand this being plural, like if your alters are causing problems, you may try and chastise them, or you may try and lock them away deep inside, but that often doesn’t stop them from existing. It’s really cool how that idea is present here. Like YES that’s how it is quite often. So even if softboy Mikoto TRIES to smother or accuse his shadow alter, that’s not going to change anything.

It being the same anywhere he goes makes me think he’s been putting up with this for a long time, that it’s not about what environment he’s in because his shadow alter is with him everywhere he goes.

“It’s like what’s wrong isn’t wrong”- may be referring to multiple things:

-the shadow alter having a different morality (hence why murder is okay for him, his indulgence in smokes and…redbull/alcohol, etc)

-OR, how softboy Mikoto’s amnesia isn’t letting him understand the full picture so everything is okay when he’s out fronting (shadow alter cleaned the place up and stuff, perhaps hiding all evidence of murder)

-“I’m already the fake one”- a very common sentiment for plural folks, worrying if you as an alter aren’t “the original” or if you’re not actually split and it’s something you’re making up, etc. I think softboy Mikoto is having these feelings. Poor boy, wish we could get you some therapy instead :/ (all of Milgram would be very different if only most of these people could get therapy, let’s be honest)

Now, what’s special here is that BOTH alters are in the headpace, with shadow alter Mikoto looming ominously behind softboy Mikoto.

During this next instrumental, just a side note: we see what’s going on through security footage. The security cameras reflecting a third person perspective is kind of neat in context of pluralism, where someone else fronting can feel like a third person awareness to another alter. I may be thinking too much into this one, but it’s a fun connection.

Another thing many plural folk go through: DISSOCIATION FROM REALITY. Ah yes, my good friend dissociation. Especially like in Mikoto’s case, where the consequences of being split have drastic consequences, he could be running away from the truth which may always be partially concealed to him. Something’s VERY wrong, he knows this for sure, and it may be at this point he really realizes “Oh shit. I just committed murder.” But instead of taking responsibility in any way, he’s trying to imagine that it’s a fabricated reality. I’m not going to say if this makes him bad or not, but it is a known coping mechanism.

I know I mention that the bad habits of smoking and drinking may be the shadow alters habits, but they could also be softboy Mikoto’s own methods of escapism, which definitely fits with the above lyrics. “I need to wake up soon”- but he still realizes that he’s going to have to face the harsh truth of reality soon.

Now this point indicates a marked change in softboy Mikoto and shadow alter Mikoto’s relationship: I believe there may be a time when softboy Mikoto expects to come back out to the front, but now the shadow alter is starting to take over fully and keep softboy Mikoto locked inside. This is supported by the Outcome card in his celtic cross spread being The Devil. Not only does this card have its own meanings, but here it may mean that the more violent side of him takes over.

Again, don’t know if he’s talking to the audience or his shadow alter in never forgiving this outcome. I believe softboy Mikoto does have a clearer morality in that murder is NOT okay, and if he were to fully acknowledge that he as a whole was capable of that, I think he’d break down. So he’s like “it better NOT be true” because he doesn’t know how he’d be able to deal with that.

Interesting in the video is when Mikoto snaps and the headspace turns red again; I would think this is when the shadow alter is entering the scene and taking over. The snap here is symbolic of the switch.

Now presumably softboy Mikoto is like “PWEASE WET ME OUT MISTEW OBAMA”, which, again with the double meaning, can refer to letting him out of the vaporwave shadow realm headspace OR letting him out of prison. Both apply.

“That it’s a lie

That I’m right”- a nice duality here. Mikoto is having difficulty separating the truth from reality.

Also NOW he is forgiving. Forgiveness vs not forgiveness (grudge)

I think it’s gotten so bad that he’s like “okay fine. Fine if I committed murder, fine if you’re accusing me of murder, but please help me understand what’s going on. Let me out”. Maybe he’ll forgive the shadow alter if only he fesses up to the murder.

Of note for the scene however is that shadow alter Mikoto is holding up The Fool card, which represents softboy Mikoto in this case. “I’m right” may be the shadow alter’s sentiment.

-THE CARDS AT THE END-

Then, all the cards show up in more detail, all depicting weapons instead of the standard minor arcana that you might see in your standard Rider Waite tarot deck (which these are based off of). The Wands are baseball bats, the Swords are kitchen knives, the Cups are…poison cans? Acid? The Pentacles are….records but I can see these being rotary saws if you squint. The Wheel of Fortune has car wheels with a snake….GTA time baby (the snake being hidden danger, the devil’s temptation, etc). The chariot is a really weird motorcycle death machine. I was thinking how like, people would drag people along behind them while driving a vehicle as a method of torture so there is that.

Now we see some cards not in the original spread- I think this represents shadow alter Mikoto inserting himself into the headspace and changing things to fit his goals. We see a couple placed in the original spread, but some don’t and are just free-floating, but you’ll see below we have enough context to decipher their meaning.

First, it’s the Page of Pentacles, which has taken over the position of the 7 of swords as the current challenge affecting the issue. This card indicates “Manifestation, financial opportunity, skill development”. I think this means the shadow alter is finally learning to take full control.

Then we see the reverse 2 of swords, which represents “Indecision, confusion, information overload, stalemate”. This could probably represent softboy Mikoto not suddenly understanding why the shadow alter is ALSO in the headspace. Maybe his dual presence in the outside world AND the headspace is indicative of exactly when he learned to take full control. This was NOT in Mikoto’s original spread.

Wheel of Fortune again, which was in the original spread. “Bad luck, negative external forces, out of control”. Yup, that confirms it.

Next, the Five of Swords from the original spread comes up. “Conflict, tension, loss.png, defeat, win at all costs, betrayal”. Softboy Mikoto is now being completely taken over. There is a facedown card on the chair. This might be the one that reads as Death later, so it may be that softboy Mikoto is…KILLED OFF?

Cup of Ace, “Love, compassion, creativity, overwhelming emotion”. I think this one is also meant to represent softboy Mikoto, but it could be that the shadow alter sees it as an act of mercy to take full control for softboy Mikoto. Maybe he feels his alter can’t handle reality and he’s going to take over full time. Or more likely he just has ulterior motives.

Reverse King of Cups. “emotional manipulation, moodiness, volatility”. Softboy Mikoto was lead along, thinking it was okay to leave things to the shadow alter or to exist alongside him. Now we see that isn’t a viable solution.

Reverse Five of Wands. “conflict avoidance, diversity, agreeing to disagree”.  I went over this more in the other post.

Chariot is the last one, WHICH ALSO WAS NOT IN THE ORIGINAL SPREAD. “Control, willpower, success, action, determination”. The shadow alter Mikoto has taken full control. Which is very quickly followed by…

Shadow alter Mikoto drawing Death. Also not in the original spread. Perhaps effectively “killing off” softboy Mikoto and betraying him.

Concluding Thoughts.

Now, I understand I do take most of these lyrics from softboy Mikoto’s perspective, but I’m sure there’s a layer of deception added on by his shadow alter. The Challenge card of the 7 of swords did represent betrayal. So softboy Mikoto’s only context into what’s going on outside may be his headspace tarot reading. If you want to question some of the lyrics, or even think one of the alters is lying, that would add SO much to the complexity of the situation, and I wouldn’t put it past the Milgram team to add something like that.

Common Themes/Symbols:

The mirror, both in the headspace and in the outside world bathroom

The Hanged Man- in a painting in the headspace and on Mikoto’s shirt. Indicative of being wrongly accused or martyred. Softboy Mikoto is likely represented with this, as well as The Fool. The Fool painting probably is there to show that he doesn’t know any better, that he is without the knowledge of what his shadow alter is doing (or doesn’t believe he’s doing anything wrong)

The Half Moon- a light side and a dark side. Pretty self-explanatory. Symbolically, it can also represent life and death. NICE.

Sorry if the conclusions end up being kind of vague. That’s the way a lot of this video is; what’s really going on, as it usually is, is up to viewer interpretation at this stage. I was just hoping to provide a bit of context into the images in the video, plural life, and narrator interpretation. I just really love this video and after this full analysis hope others can at least appreciate the work that went into it.