#ILY Commentary

[trashlie]

FP 223

I know this is a week late, but I figured it’s better to get this up before tonight’s episode than have to do two of these lol (writing for two different episodes is SO HARD lmao). And listen, I had a lot of feelings I didn’t get to work all the way through since I read this on vacation (literally LMAO crying in public while waddling behind my friends LMAO i am a foooooool) so this post is going to be just that - me working through this lmao

I will say upfront that as much as this episode hurts, I think it went about the best it could, or rather, the most realistic way it could. While I had a lot of hope and wishes heavily stemming from ep 219, I think I knew deep in my soul that the reality is that Nol isn’t there yet, that some scars run deeper, and that it isn’t as easy to change who he is. But I’ll get on to that under the cut!

Honestly, I think the flow of events during this arc are done SO well, so masterfully. I remember everyone being SO disappointed when we reached this arc and it was Shinae’s dad on the rooftop (the BEST possibility it could have been, frankly!!!!) but this ENTIRE arc has been beautiful and I really hope there will be a day that this series will be printed in a physical form so I can buy all the volumes and just DEVOUR this entire arc. From the beginning of the Christmas party, the Bible, Nol’s jump from the balcony, Kousuke unraveling, the arrival at Minhyuk’s party, Shinae luring out Nol, the whole intimacy of secrets shared and that glimpse of who Nol really is, the fall, the Kousuke and Nol fight, the tenderness in the hospital, the sheer flirty romance and hopefulness of 219 leading right to this. It was inevitable. In retrospect it makes perfect sense - that build up cannot reach its pinnacle, not yet. Nol isn’t ready. 

And that’s what’s the most heartbreaking thing about this episode. 

Nol isn’t ready. It’s not that he doesn’t trust Shinae, it’s not that love or whatever isn’t enough. It’s that he’s not ready. When he apologizes to the space she no longer occupies, he says he doesn’t want her to see him like this. I wish he could have said it to her, but it wouldn’t have changed anything, and I imagine in her own way, she must get it. Nol’s every weakness has been used against him at every opportunity that it’s no longer he wants to hide this part of him, so as to not feel like a burden, so as to be the happy, radiant friend she’d longed for. And while WE know that Shinae doesn’t need that of him, and maybe he even realizes it, it doesn’t change how he feels. It can’t - this is so ingrained in him. 

I’ve started to think of Nol as a sort of prey animal; he’s easily skittish, it’s easy to startle him, and he clings to his security, because he needs it to feel safe. He clings to his masks, to his lies, to this bright personality to stave off the darkness that’s always surrounded him, to stave off the darkness in other peoples’ lives. His whole goal was to put some good into other peoples’ lives because even if he can’t have it, isn’t it better to put out something good (especially when we know he lives with this belief that the bad things that happen are his fault)? How can he bring them down with his darkness, his pain? It’s the entire opposite of what he wants to do. 

And think about it, too: Nol has never really had FRIENDS, these are the first real friends he’s had and they were a total accident. But where Shinae has found security in friendship and learned to push those boundaries and put more faith into others, he lacks that experience. He can’t bring himself to do it, yet. 

I think a big difference is that while Shinae wanted so badly to believe that all people suck and are awful, because it gave her comfort because if everyone was like that, then this wasn’t a one-off, then she wasn’t someone it was so easy to be awful to, and she didn’t need to be so upset when the inevitable happened, the truth was she wanted to be proven wrong, she wanted people to do for her what she expected they wouldn’t. But that’s not the case for Nol. Shinae had repressed hope buried deep down, so it was so much easier for her to change, to look at the people who DID have her back and find it in her to put faith in people she couldn’t guarantee. 

And in a way, wasn’t she burned? Nol tried to leave and though he came back and offered her an explanation, they’re still at the same place: he can’t be real with her the way she wants, and she can’t bear to watch him play a charade and wear a mask that she can see through. 

But it’s not the same for Nol. I think he’d resigned himself to this life, and maybe he did secretly hope otherwise, maybe he told himself otherwise when he made friends who accidentally became real. But maybe he meant it. Maybe he meant that he’d help these people before he peaced off to England. Would anything have been different, had the Kim formal not happened the way it did? If that was the catalyst that reminded Nol he can only bring harm to those he cares about, would he have made it to leaving for Oxford without telling anyone or not? But that doesn’t matter, because the Kim formal did happen and it reminded Nol how dangerous it is for him to care for people, and how futile it felt to fight back, to push back. Shinae was looking for that sliver of hope to grab on to, but Nol had given up on ever finding it, and even when faced with it, it’s too difficult for him to take hold of it. 

I think Shinae never hated herself, or at least not truly, but I think Nol does, and that seems to be the difference.

For Shinae, it was much easier to change her ways because it fed into a secret hope she’d been waiting for, because it was the push she needed to make a leap of faith. In Nol’s newfound friendship, she found a sense of security. After all, we saw her struggle to put up her walls towards Nol when she thought she’d hurt him after going off on him for crossing that line. It wasn’t the Kim formal events that made her see him as a friend, but they did foster that sense of security. But when you look at those events from Nol’s perspective, it’s completely different. There was no sense of security fostered, but rather one of fear. There was no comfort in their friendship - only a sense that he’d brought her into danger, that he’d made a mistake of showing interest in her and it got used against them. One of his greatest traumas must be finding out what had happened to his mom, and to actually watch something similar almost happen to Shinae? Jesus. It’s a testament to what a friend she is to him, what she came to mean to him, that he struggled to push her away after all of that. 

But I think that’s the biggest take away: Shinae has learned just how deep Nol’s scar is, and I think whenever she learns more about what happened to him, what he believes about himself, it will make even more sense to her, why Nol is unable to take off that mask, why he’s so affected by this side of him that he doesn’t want her to see it. It’s not that he can’t trust her, it’s that he can’t bear to be this person in front of her (or anyone). Even when his friends wake up, he puts the mask back on, carries on with the lies and the mask, because he doesn’t know how to let that part of himself exist, and certainly doesn’t know how to let that part of him be seen, let alone loved. 

And jesus that hurts so much. It hurts to know just how badly he’s suffered and continues to. (And it’s also a reminder to my forever mantra: he needs therapy! Shinae alone cannot fix this, love and care alone cannot undo what he has suffered and internalized.) 

But in the same way that it’s so heartbreaking, it’s also, weirdly, hopeful. 

Shinae is able to understand him, to some degree. She’s been there, she knows what it was like. It’s just that she doesn’t know how to get through to him, yet. He’s got such an impenetrable fortress around him the only way to get through is for him to lower his guard, to let her in. Or, I suppose, find a crack in the foundation, find a way to wriggle in. But that’s the thing - she acknowledges it, and decides not to give up on him. It would be so easy - and she wouldn’t be wrong for it - to decide you know what, I can’t do this, I’m wiping my hands of this. She’s just one girl! She’s not a therapist, she’s not a trained professional. And I love her for the decision to keep trying, even if it’s not easy. Because if Nol had given up on her, then would we have any story to follow? Would she have found friendship in Dieter and Soushi, learned to open up, found a way to make up with Maya, reconciled her trust in the people she cares about? 

It’s just also so sad and painful to know that it’s that much harder with Nol, that his trauma runs that deep, that it’s eaten away and left him fearful and wary and unable to be open. It was hard enough for Shinae to do it! 

I gotta say, that frame of them, where she’s stepping away from him and the sunset fading to black behind them is SO BEAUTIFUL and also SO DEVASTATINGLY SAD ;~; lmao I cannot get my mind around the FEELINGS it evoked, the way it’s so easy to understand both of them. I think Shinae did what was right. She drew a line, she made it clear that she doesn’t want to blindly play along anymore. She wants to know HIM, not this false version of him, and he can’t be that person right now. As much as I wanted her to pull off the blindfold and force him to see, I think it wouldn’t have been the right move. It might have felt violating to him, to be seen in a way he’s not ready to show yet, and would have made the wedge worse.  And she had to leave, because it was only stringing herself along to otherwise pretend he’d be the person he’s incapable of being right now. How is it fair, for her to share a moment with him so full of joy and happiness for her, while he’s hiding his pain? How is she supposed to feel about that? It negates any of the joy she feels. 

I’m sure there’s more to read into regarding Nol’s fairness than I can get my head around, but even at the surface level, it feels like Nol feels like it would be unfair to open up to her or Dieter and Soushi, even though they’ve opened up to him. “It’ll make things fair” but like she says, how is it fair at all, if she’s the only one allowed to find joy in their relationship, if she’s the only one keeping it as a good memory. Isn’t that unfair, that she alone would have remembered this dance as a pleasant time, as something to tuck away in her heart? 

I had thought that Nol’s decision to join Shinae on the rooftop was a sign that they’re on the same level, toe-to-toe, but his choice to wear the bandana negates that. He’s unable to stay on the same level as her, unable to be as open and vulnerable as she is, and that’s not fair to her. She’s shared with him a story I’m pretty sure she’s never shared with anyone else. 

How much must it hurt, to hear him say “I don’t need to see anything. I’ll be fine”? GOD. I can’t get over it ;~; The whole episode is just FULL OF PAIN. 

Because even after she leaves and makes her resolve to get through to him one day, the mask remains on. He says not one truthful thing to Dieter and Soushi, from pretending he just woke up to refusing to acknowledge his crying, to pretending to not know what happened to Shinae. And Dieter sees right through it, which hurts just as bad. No matter how long he was really awake, he knows enough to realize that Yeonggi was always a lie, that he’s a mask worn to placate others and deflect the truth, and maybe Soushi doesn’t yet know enough to see that in him. But just like with Shinae, how do you go back to being friends with someone, knowing they can’t be honest with you? Even knowing there’s a reason for it, it’s not easy. 

(Though, I guess when Nol says “When I opened my eyes she was already gone” that’s not EXACTLY a lie, but the truth of it is pretty irrelevant to Soushi in this matter.)

Dieter has always been remarkably perceptive, and while he couldn’t figure out Yeonggi before, he now knows enough to see through, and he seems to feel frustrated over the realization. It’s not that he and Soushi were bad friends and didn’t realize how bad things were with Nol - it’s that he never let them. It’s how he was always there to take care of their problems, to help them with their dilemmas, but never let them do the same for him, and instead played this role to deter them. How are you supposed to continue to be his friend when you see through it all? When you realize it’s so hollow and empty? 

I’m not saying this to make a dig at Nol, because unlike Dieter, I do understand. As readers, we get it. But Dieter knows even less than Shinae does. It just isn’t fair to them. 

I’m really curious what he’s going to talk about with Shinae, because boy is there a myriad of things, huh? ;~; Even if Dieter didn’t like Shinae, I think overhearing that would be difficult to swallow, because he essentially overheard something that feels, you know, private? Overhearing their conflict, Nol’s refusal to open up, and Shinae disappearing without a goodbye. GODDDDD that’s awkward and so painful ;~; I think Dieter is a very tactful person, so I’m not sure how he intends to approach that, because I think it would be far too, idk, rude? To be like yo overheard you and Yeonggi yowch that hurts lol and far from his style, but I have to assume that his intention is to address that - Nol’s evasiveness, his masking and lies, the persona he wears for them. 

And because Dieter is a tactful, perceptive person, I wonder where he he lands. Is he frustrated because it was something he couldn’t see through before? Does he feel more like Shinae, in understanding Nol has his reasons? Or is he more frustrated that Nol continues to hurt them (and specifically Shinae) over and over? He definitely seems lost in thought, so it’s hard to get a good read on him (and I’m sure that’s intentional, as his face is obscured from us a lot). 

And, yeah, I’m sure the frustration could be the realization that Shinae and Nol share something very different to what he and Shinae do, but I don’t think that’s THE source of his frustration. Sure it could be a part of it, but again, because he’s such a perceptive person, I think he’s already clocked this on Shinae’s end. I think still think there’s a lot to the way that Dieter told Shiane she loves Nol with his back to her, because characters seem to share some moments of honesty with their backs to each other, but also, as someone who likes her, of course it’s something he’ll pick up on. But I think most of his frustration is in that Nol continues to play pretend, that he can’t let himself take off that mask. 

But also, yes, I do feel for him in the sense of realizing that the girl you like and one of your charismatic friends you’ve envied might like each other, because of course that part also sucks. But in the grand scheme of things, I think there’s a lot of things at play that are hurtful for him. ;~; There’s something so, so bittersweet about the birthday party juxtaposed against his - Nol’s emotional “I love you guys” set against his refusal to be seen like this ;~; What can you do for someone like that? How do you encourage them when you can’t get through to them? 

GOD. I HAVE EMOTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everyone is going through it and IT HURTS and I think I knew all along the pain would be coming but GOD it hurts even more right on the back of such a tender, SWEET series of episodes, after getting to see Nol find that sense of peace, after getting to see them share a moment of friendship together again after so long ;~; 

But idk, there’s just something about the sunrise that continues to make me feel hopeful. Nol is in such a deep, dark place right now, and it’s not easy to come out of. I still think we’ll see the main trio separate leading to the timeskip, and maybe when they all reconvene in whatever way, that’s how we’ll return to them. I think Kousuke will go to Japan and we’ll probably see Yui push his isolation further from the people who care about him, I think Nol will still find a way to Oxford after serving his sentence, and I think Shinae will take Rand’s advice and opt for university. It’s hard to say where I think they’ll all be when we get through the BIG time skip, but I guess we have to get through the first one first, anyway. What will come of Yujing’s expose - and what might Nol’s friends learn about him when they learn about the family that has haunted him? 

One last thought, though. I’m glad Nana has shown up - I’ve been wondering where she was, why no one had contacted her! - but I feel like I’m the only one who felt like Nol’s expression was a little weird lol. idk, people seem to think he looks really happy to see her but his smile looks a little... off? It could just be because he’s all marked up, but his smaller pupils make him look a little... afraid to me? I don’t THINK that’s the case but I just want to throw that thought out there lmao 

[kimdokjas]

If you're not here, then how are you always with me? If I'm not here, then how am I not there with you? — One of Us, Paruyr Sevak (tr. metamorphesque)

happy belated birthday, tay ♡ @misakarose [insp.]

[doriana-gray-games]

Ch5.2 public drop aug 2nd (Friday)! ✨🥳🍾✨

I’ll also put up around then a pov Watson thing I’ve been looking at on Patreon (if you’ve ever wondered about the moment when MC and W met) ❤️

[surreal-duck]

master artist and his number one fan

guy who is being so normal about the new additions to their profiles. i think abt midoris initial infatuation with his art slowly developing into appreciating yuzuru himself as a person and idol to the point he worries about how he sees him (ex: a bit of home party and in workplace survival rules) sometimes thats a lie i think about it a lot. and yuzuru learning to enjoy art just for the sake of drawing!! seeing the lets try diy story where he doesnt even refute drawing on midoris desk and was only worried that his doodles might cover up the mascot design compared to how discouraged he usually would be in earlier ! stories. everything to me i adore their dynamic if that wasnt obvious by *gestures to basically everything*

and happy pride month 🏳‍🌈

[betsyworthingtons]

"We're mutants. We're never safe."

Well, that sounds like a skill issue, James. I've gotten really annoyed and disillusioned by the "Mutants are oppressed" narrative since I finally gave it more than 30 seconds of thought.

Many of them are very powerful, and in those cases, you can pay me to believe that they'd be oppressed by humans in real life.

[karizipan]

can anyojen hear me PLEASEEEEE

[lupato]

[ID: a digital drawing of Sudo Kirihiko and Fuuto-kun from W in a chibi style walking on a white background. Kirihiko is leading, holding Fuuto-kun's hand and smiling, and they are both looking at each other. three small hearts float around them and red text above says "[heart] Fuuto-kun!" the colours are pastel with blue lines. /END ID]

[the-incredible-auraa]

I didnt see ryusei shidou under the tree wrapped in a bow so now i will be going up to the north pole myself and pulling santas plug

[the-girl-down-the-street]

istg logan always gets his qualifying laps ruined by something

[preciouspatriots]

1-0

rhamondre ‘control it’ stevenson said “imagine your team already having a loss. couldn’t be mine”

[trashlie]

ILY FP 209

vHowdy ho guys! Yet another post where I’ve basically taken my initial write up on reddit and edited it for additional thoughts/insight/changes in my thinking! Sorry to keep doing this but I feel like it’s the easiest way to do this, rather than just trying to write something new using all the points I’ve made before lol. That said, I still want to write up a post about how I’m viewing Alyssa and her sexuality (and how it relates to her need to fit in!) but I’m still struggling to figure out how to manage my time properly lately. ;A; 

Anyway, this was SUCH an episode! Like, literally gave it 5 stars for everything that it contains, and if you guys have read my ILY Brainrot long enough, you know this was total catnip for me. Nol airing grievances, Kousuke’s insecurities being addressed, some interesting callbacks/parallels to an earlier scene that has constantly vexed me, and a whole lot of drama. This episode was worthy of a bag of popcorn, frankly! Let’s dive in!

Kousuke actually saying, out loud, that Nol would be doing everyone a favor if he was gone is SO cold. Not that he's ever really kept it a secret, but I don't think Kousuke has intentionally said that out loud in front of Nol (at least, not knowingly, unlike that time Nol called him). I had said that I had a feeling Nol would be able to muster up the ability to say nice things about Kousuke in a genuine way, but actually seeing how many things he could say he admires about him, while Kousuke couldn't even pull up one, only a condescending backwards compliment... I feel like these last two episodes really epitomize their relationships and who THEY are. Kousuke has always been driven by his growing paranoia AND his fear of disappointing Rand, and they're both full on display. The way he loathes Nol is completely different from the way Nol dislikes (or hates?) Kousuke.

For Nol, it’s a matter of how Kousuke has reduced him to nothing over the years, how he pointedly denied Nol any right to happiness (and this is something I’d like to go a little deeper into, if possible, sometime!), how he belittled him for so many years. Nol’s dislike/hatred stems from years of being attacked. But Kousuke hates Nol just for existing. Nothing Nol could do or not do would ever change Kousuke’s mind. It’s so raw and vitriolic. 

There's so much honesty coming out in this episode and I don't know how to describe how it makes me feel - sad feels like such a paltry understatement? It really re-centers what we knew from those little snippets of their pasts: once upon a time Nol tried SO HARD to be a brother to Kousuke, to curry his favor, until one day he realized it was an impossible task. Once he was made to feel like nothing he tried to BECOME nothing, and even that was still too much for Kousuke. He tried to do what Kousuke wanted but his chance to disappear was taken away by him, too, in a fit of paranoia. Nol spoke nothing but the truth and Kousuke continues to warp and distort reality EVEN AS IT PLAYS OUT. The insistence that he'll be in trouble despite the conversation with Rand, because Kousuke is incapable of believing that. But what Nol said is probably true - Kousuke likely has never truly been in trouble, but to Kousuke, disappointing Rand is the same thing (and I imagine Yui is not without some kind of manipulative quip that makes Kousuke feel like he did not exceed expectations). And all this time, Rand has been ENCOURAGING Kousuke to do exactly what Nol's telling him. Perhaps he wouldn't describe it in the same words, but Rand knows that Kousuke has been at his beck and call his entire life and he doesn't want that for him.

It's funny that Kousuke is always calling Nol selfish. As readers we know that Nol puts nearly everyone ahead of him. In order to be selfish, you have to care enough to put yourself ahead of others, to take things for yourself without consideration of others. But Nol has spent his whole life considerate of Kousuke. On the other hand, Kousuke has spent his entire life trying to impress or please his father, without once following his own whims. To him, Nol looks selfish because Kousuke truly believes his life to be indolent, because he doesn't operate in an effort to please Rand. Kousuke feels the weight of a burden that Nol doesn't share - except the only person shackling him with that burden is himself (and arguably Yui, but that's a whole other thing). We haven't ever seen Kousuke chase after something HE truly wants - something out of pleasure or joy. I assume university was the last time he ever did anything truly for himself, and we saw that he was called home and left it all behind to come to this life and never looked back. What Nol said about playing the piano - when did Kousuke stop? Has he ever played it recently? Is it something that he told himself was a childish hobby and now, as a grown man, he mustn't entertain these childish whims anymore or something?

Idk how to word it well but this chapter just feels SO raw. Nol put SO MUCH of himself out there. They're an interesting opposite of each other in this way - though Nol has kept everything to himself and swallowed everything down whole, he's the one more willing to air his grievances with Kousuke and be honest but Kousuke can't even be honest to himself. Every day he is lying to himself. Think about how he had to talk to himself about the CFO position, reminding himself he wants this, he wants that life, even if he has to uproot himself and go to Tokyo. At the end of the day, Kousuke goes through the motions. Does he enjoy his job or is it all just the pursuit of someone else's approval? No wonder he thinks Nol is childish and lazy - Kousuke was made to believe that as adults, we must sacrifice things and that there is no room in an adult life for whimsy or pointless enjoyment. In episode 27 when Nol says he’ll be cold with Shinae, Kousuke closes his eyes and says they’re ridiculous and tells them to stop acting like children. Why are his eyes closed? He’s been conditioned to think that everyone must act a certain way - that he has an image to keep and he doesn’t have the “liberty” to live freely as he thinks Nol does. To him, Nol is the selfish one for living for himself when he’s supposed to be adhering to a particular image, because isn’t that what it means to be mature, to be an adult, to impress others? 

This is also the second time someone has predicted Kousuke won't be good at his job. Yujing has noted that she thinks he's not ready, he's moving too fast. Nol isn't wrong that someone without his own convictions won't be fit to run a company. I don't doubt that Kousuke has and will continue to develop other necessary skills, but convictions are important. A CEO can't fold to everyone else's whims, and that's where Kousuke lacks the most. How do you push back against the people you are trying to maintain good relations with? 

In the same way that Nol has spent so many years now living as Yeonggi in a prison of his own making, Kousuke has been living like a dog chained up - except the chain is of his own making. Like Nol says - there's a difference between respect and blind obedience. Kousuke is in his mid 20s and he still lives like he's a 14 year old afraid to be grounded. That fear of disappointment is SO. DEEPLY. ROOTED. And I know that's a hard thing to let go of. As a 30-year-old I still avoid certain confrontation with my parents for fear of having to deal with that fall out. But what Kousuke is dealing with is something so much bigger than that. He DOES need help. He needs someone to help him unlearn and let go of those fears. His entire identity is comprised of this, and it’s why he unraveled like that when he found out Rand had heard everything he said. Without these aspects of his identity, who is Kousuke? 

But it's also so sad to see Nol lay out his feelings like that, and how Kousuke meets them so coldly. Nol was a threat from the very beginning. He was never given a chance. Even as Nol stood in front of him and sincerely complimented him, talked about things he admires even if he hates that, Kousuke still heard it as condescending, as attacks. That paranoia is beyond unhealthy. Nol's interview with Oxford University? Obviously all about Kousuke, because why else would Nol do anything if not to undermime him, right? And isn’t that interesting, that Nol had the opportunity to get away, that he could have gone far away from this family and been out of Kousuke’s hair, but he didn’t let him. What is it Kousuke wants? To get rid of Nol or not? Is it just that he believes everything Nol does is a slight against him, an attempt to make him look inferior? Or is it more subconscious - that so much of who Kousuke is was a result of ensuring that he always remained three steps ahead of Nol. Kousuke compares himself to Nol more than he’ll ever care to admit, and has used Nol as a benchmark measure for how he’s supposed to act and whether or not he’s the successful golden son. As long as Nol isn’t succeeding at anything, Kousuke remains on the throne. And how can he know how he compares to Nol if Nol isn’t here? If he goes to another country? And not only that, but it was Oxford. Their father’s alma matter. A school Kousuke didn’t think possible for Nol to get into. But JUUUUST in case he could, thanks to his connection to Rand, Kousuke saw to it that he never even had the chance, didn’t get to prove if he was the worthy adversary Kousuke worries he is. If he doesn’t know, then it can’t be true, right? 

Like Nol tells him, without his name, without Rand’s validation, without his family, Kousuke is nothing. Strip all of that away and what’s he left with? Who is he under the family name, who is he without Rand’s validation, who is he without his name? Would he amount to the same without it? I think there’s some extra nuance here that can be gleaned through earlier episodes - like Kousuke’s paranoid drunken break down, thinking everyone is calling him out on his flaws and predicting his downfall, because deep down, subconsciously, Kousuke knows what he is (or rather, isn’t) and that without any of that he is nothing. So he strips Nol of anything that can bring him warmth, of anything that can make him happy, of any opportunity to amount to anything, to ensure that at least if Kousuke is nothing, then Nol is negative. To ensure that Nol can’t benefit from the very things Kousuke has. He could have allowed himself a personality, hobbies, an identity, but instead he just decided to tear down someone else in effort to life up himself. 

But something that’s interesting about Kousuke comparing himself to Nol is: this isn’t the first time Nol has managed to goad Kousuke into doing something just to prove himself. When Nol turns to leave, after Kousuke drops to his knees in front of him, he goads Kousuke a little more and Kousuke finally takes the bait. Though far more dramatic, this is much like an earlier scene back in episode 27. Kousuke makes a fuss about having to eat a hamburger with his hands and Nol makes a comment to just leave Kousuke be and let him eat it the way he wants. “He’s always been prim and proper, he won’t do it.” And then Kousuke does it. He cannot stand to let Nol have any upperhand. If Nol says he can’t do it, then Kousuke will prove him wrong. Afterwards, Nol smiles and I used to think (or hope?) it meant that Nol thought he was getting through to Kousuke, that maybe with enough prodding he could be a tolerable person, but now I think it was more that Nol just realized what kind of advantage he possessed, and how he could use that against Kousuke. I don’t think it was ever about any warmth towards Kousuke as much as a realization that there were some ways Nol had an upperhand when it came to Kousuke. 

And here he uses that advantage, goads Kousuke in to proving him wrong. It’s funny, because Kousuke has lately been talking about Nol like he’s a vicious animal, like he’s someone violent and unstable and ready to attack at any moment. But in the end, Kousuke succumbs to that violence. In the end, he can’t resist his own sucker punch (waiting for Nol to turn his back). He was unable to let Nol leave that room with the satisfaction that he was right. Kousuke ends up doing something he condemns in order to prove Nol wrong, because it turns out that proving him wrong is more important than upholding his image. 

“I would never stoop to your level” Kousuke says, before he does exactly that. Allows himself to feel something, to relish in his vitriolic hate, and embraces that moment of violence. 

I’ve said it before that in the same way Yeonggi was a mask, Kousuke also wears a mask, except his has become so interwoven, he doesn’t know where his mask ends and he begins. He puts on his little show, acts the way he’s supposed to, maintains the intellectual and mature hobbies he’s supposed to, puts on airs, makes himself look impressive. All these things that are just a superficial face. Nol said that Kousuke’s home is pristine, everything is minimalist, no clutter, designed with purpose. Who is Kousuke? WHAT is he? He finally succumbs to his baser instinct out of bitterness and loathing, intent on yet again proving Nol wrong, and all that hatred and loathing comes out through his fist. For a moment, Kousuke lets the mask slip and lets his real self come out and do what he’s probably always wanted to do.

Actually, on this tangent, there’s a lot of power dynamics at play here. Kousuke is the eldest and the heir, sufficiently the one who holds most power. Throughout their lives, he’s exerted his power on making Nol feel small, like nothing, ensuring that he stands on his chest and keeps him down. But isn’t it funny, how Nol ends up the taller one, the one who looks most like Rand and possesses some of his expressions and mannerisms? Kousuke has spent his entire life striving to become Rand and here Nol, a nobody, a nothing, an insignificant bastard is the spitting image of him but for his hair. And though Kousuke has made Nol feel like nothing, made him feel so small, now Nol looks down upon him in disdain. He’s no longer making himself smaller for Kousuke’s convenience, no longer minimizing himself, and by letting himself take up that space, he looks down upon the man who looked down on him. The balance has shifted. Kousuke’s upperhand no longer exists. He was keeping Yeonggi in place, he was keeping that kid in place - but Nol isn’t that kid anymore. There’s so many panels that emphasize the way Nol is looking down on Kousuke - both physically and metaphorically as he calls out Kousuke on his fears, as he turns the zero around on Kousuke. 

The way Kousuke wars with what he wants is interesting. There’s that moment where he slips, where he flies over to Nol and grabs him by the collar, but as Nol jeers down at him, Kousuke can’t do it and he slumps to the ground. He literally kneels on the floor beneath Nol, as Nol looks down upon him. All these years Nol has been the pest, the cockroach that won’t leave, a crumbling mess under Kousuke’s shoe - and here the roles have reversed. Nol looks down at Kousuke. 

Idk it’s just such a fascinating, interesting episode to me, and it really reinforces the identities of Nol and Kousuke - who and what they are. Though he’s hidden so much, Nol has still lived more honestly than Kousuke, and Kousuke has kept himself chained up, unable to live that way, and his envy towards Nol’s seemingly indolent life turns into hate. He feels so threatened by Nol’s existence that he’s believed everything Nol ever did was about him. I’m willing to bet he even thought Nol was hanging out with Shine as a dig against him. And here, again, I’d love to revisit the ways that Kousuke has pointedly denied Nol any kind of happiness (such as the way he demanded that Nol cease his friendship with Shinae). Everything Nol has ever done, Kousuke has twisted to make about him, because his life is so wrapped up in  Nol, in his comparison to him, in his effort to always best him a nd beat him into the ground that he believes Nol’s life must be so about him. It’s impossible that Nol could ever want to do anything for himself or for others, could have any other personality that wasn’t about cutting him down if Kousuke can’t, right? Isn’t that wild, isn’t that sad? Kousuke’s whole life is made up of other people. His personality is fragments of others’ desires pieced together. He can’t fathom that Nol does things of his own volition because Kousuke himself does nothing of his own volition. 

I feel like there's nothing else I can say without repeating myself. It's just. It's all sad. Nol never stood a chance. Whether or not he tried, whether or not he made himself scarce, none of it matters because Kousuke will always find a way to make it about himself. No wonder Nol feels like nothing, why he feels like he's always being punished. No amount of effort could ever make his family love him* so what was the point of anything?

(* I can tell Rand loves him but he has never really shown it so I'm not going to pretend that Nol knows he does. As far as Nol knows, he's a mistake that shouldn't have happened and he's made life worse.)

I've talked a lot about my feelings that the big time jump will see the main characters going their separate was and coming back into each others' lives as adults, and I wonder if this would lead to that or not. Nol gave him his word and Kousuke gave him the reaction he was trying so hard to get. So will he go ahead and disappear like he said? I hope not, but also, can you blame him for wanting so badly to just get away from it all? God it all just makes me feel so SAD.

EDIT: follow up because everyone has pointed out the railing breaking and !!!!! aaaaaaahhhh!!!!! There's so many falls, Nol has had so many falls, and one CAUSED by Kousuke is big! Who was it who has the theory that the altercation between Nol and Kousuke involved some kind of fall for Kousuke? And now this time, it's Kousuke the one to cause something? My how the turntables! But also.... if you get injured prior to getting locked away, what do they do with you?! We don't need any more head injuries.... (I’ve been informed he would go to a hospital and then just be transported to prison once he’s released).

And it always brings up: how is Kousuke going to feel? Vindicated? Horrified? Will he just wheel it back and blame Nol because "you pushed me you made me do it"? Will he actually show some sense of care and worry that ISN'T rooted in what father will think or do? Does he care at all about Nol or is it all just pure resentment anymore? It’s true, Nol did goad Kousuke into doing it, but Kousuke succumbing to violence was still his own choice. The only thing that made him do it was his need to prove Nol wrong, to try to maintain his upperhand. With so much vitriol in his heart, would Kousuke even care that he caused harm or just be horrified that he did, horrified of what other people will think? Much to think about! 

[boygirlctommy]

my dreams have so much lore you guys have no idea

[madeimpact]

Sitting in the stands with his appy juice.

[teraluceo]

"I love BDSM:"

Gestures to all the Woopers and 'Sires.

"Big Doofy Silly Mudfish!"

[snoozebin]

slay

͏꒰  ୨୧  ꒱ @hatsuneleaf tnx bae !! 💗

[noxious-amillion]

Today I convinced my bff to go look at cars that I’m considering buying w me and it was really fun bc she’s a car nerd so she was excited even tho it was raining and like 11 at night and we were just rolling around the lot squinting at cars and occasionally jumping out to look at specs and prices. She was really helpful too and I was able to narrow down a lot which car I want! I’m only saying this here bc a lot of my friends don’t like her so I can’t talk abt her around them but she’s one of my favorite ppl ever and I just want to tell someone how fun it was to be around her tonight . Shoutout my bff