#because that’s what I kinda need for myself rn
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#traumacore#traumacore edit#vent art tw#traumacore collage#trauma#sa#sa art#tw#tw sa#neglect#since you guys liked the new style….#I feel like expressing my pain#was a much needed part of my recovery#but in some ways I want to be able to write peacefully#messages of hope and healing#because that’s what I kinda need for myself rn#and that’s what this blog is about
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wizard of the sky (again!!!!)
#pokemon#swsh#champion leon#reworked the sky wizard design because I wanted to proper it up. and it turned into an entirely different design#but! I prefer this one! there's thought put into this one!#can't fault the other one it was made during a 2hr break or something#also. how come I've put out there a buncha see-thru áo tấc and nhật bình and have yet to see anything return. why is no one making these#do I have to make these myself. I would! one of these days! thats a threat!#I need to eat chips n lay down now but I had fun doing this one :]#I will draw wizard leons for as long as I still have ideas of what kinda wizard to turn him into. there are like three in queue rn#its so dang fun doing these wah!!!#have a good night lads!! use hook to bring opponent into close quarter
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It's that time of the year again where I put the fish and Amiya in the washing machine...
#normal posts#specter and skadi will be next but by themselves#fyi I do this because these fellas sleep with me and this year they built a parking right besides my room#so the dirt and dust has gotten all over my room and my plushies are literally brown... so I have to clean them whether I like it or not#normally you don't need to clean them that often but these really need it and I won't wash them by hand cause#the dust and dirt is just stuck there so :/#I'm not a dirty gal I love keeping my room clean but these mf really got the whole house trashed#and that's not even just my room everywhere in the housr has to be deep cleaned#I have to clean my room but I'm still waiting for my dad to help me put up my ikea skadis... but at this point I'll have to myself so#I guess I'll have to watch yt vids lmao#so sorry for being out of socials I'm honestly just really tired and feel like rn things are pretty chill so my presence isn't needed here#and honestly I'm not legally allowed to talk about what's been going with me because I have some respect and would rather not shame people#online for the sake of it <3#so yeah idk does anyone miss me here hsisjddi cause I miss being here but the energy is just not it#I'm tired but I wished I had more energy for things#sighs#but yeah I will post room stuff since I will be putting some arknights decorations around once I get stuff sorted out#I can't hide that stuff anymore you know#gotta face my fears and honestly? a gift isn't something that the gifter owns it's the gifted and it's okay to be sad about it but#gotta start facing shit and being proud of stuff even if my ak energy is very low because of my personal stuff#anyways sorry for the rant but I kinda just wanted to get it off my chest I know most people won't care and they just want fish but#thanks for reading and making it all the way down here I love you
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if my brain could stop telling me im not Really enjoying things and im just humoring people all the time and i don't actually care about abything thatd be great. would really like it to stop doing that
#i dunno. i dunno how to describe it properly#rare dave 'i kinda hate myself a bit' moment#like i Do kinda humor people when im notactually invested in what theyre saying#because i know they wanna talk about something ir another and its not like *i* have anything to say ever so like. kt fills the silence#but i do genuinely like listening to people talk and be excited about the things they like#but i also feel bad becaus. i dunno it feels like i dont care as much as i should or i care for the wrong reasons#and it feels bad#sometimes i feel like an empty shell of a person whi never contributes anything ever#'ahaha im bad at talking but i love listening to others talk!!' just scrapes the surface kf what feels like an actual fucking issue with me#i feel like there should be like. More thoughts in my head than there are. it feels like other people have more Thoughts than me in general#i need to get a life so badly dude i thjnk my brain is rotting#anyways this is why i always say if i had a clone we would Not get along#id hate trying to talk to myself#srry for Sudden Vent Post event i havent slept in like a full day#accidental caffeine you know how it goes. too antsy to sleep so i decided to edit my ponies on pony town. and then it was morning#im gonna sleep rn tho#and i know ill feel better then#i just get all stupid when im sleep deprived#delete later
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Sounds like you've got a right bitch of a co-worker based on those post tags lol
ajfksdljf TT0TT Oh that was like my 3rd version of a post I made. I had to talk myself down and censor myself akljsdflkfa orz
But yes he really is. I cannot stress it enough that everyone hates his guts and he's created such a hostile work environment.
#silly asks#the junpei coworker#silly answers#god i hate him so much#he's not the first jackass i've had to work with but god he is the most recent#i should've called HR last night#i literally told him “do NOT fucking finish that sentence or train of thought”#and then he kept ALLUDING to what he wanted to say and i had to keep telling him to stfu#then he hid in the bathroom for 30 min (which pissed me off mORE because it meant he got a free 30 break and was paid for it)#all while i was left alone to wrangle a circus by myself#he was watching anime fyi...cause I could hear it when I had to go to the back room to get stuff#like we had a store meeting and my boss listed a bunch of stuff that needed to be minded#and like HALF of it was directed at junpei (he didn't look at him but WE ALL KNEW)#my boss even confirmed it when everyone else left#he only confirmed it because as soon as they left I turned to him an was like 'when is that mfer getting fired?????!"#my boss wants to fire him but HIS boss says he can't until they find a replacement#the bar is in hell rn#it's so bad that me and my other coworker made a bingo of shit he likes to pull on shift (HE'S THAT CONSISTENT)#*looks at sched* oh thank god I dont need to see him today or tomorrow-#WAIT NO I HAVE TO WORK WITH HIM THE ENTIRE CLOSE FRIDAY NOOOOO FUCK save tme this is gonan suck#i'm kinda hoping he gets “sick” again I'd rather work alone TT0TT#*inhales* it'll be fine it'lle be fine it'll be fine it'll be fine#zen zen centered i am zen...I'll listen to an audio book or video i'll be ok#i'll just ignore him like i've been doing TT0TT#silly vents#vents#irl bs
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another vent in the tags ugh i should try and do something nice rn
#my pains got so bad again that i threw up again#it's tiring because. i can't even eat atp without worrying about whether it'll make me feel so nauseous i throw up#the doctors wanted to try another new medicine but its put straight in the rear and. shouldnt be shit out. and. yknow. IBD ....#so i obviously do shit it out like immediately ... bcus i cant help it#i probably have to call them on monday to let them know ive started throwing up too#couldnt even go upstairs today without taking breaks bcus of the stomach pains#and theres so much blood all the time#i need to. think about something to distract myself from this bcus i know i shouldnt be ashamed of my condition and i cant help it#but im ashamed anyway and im frustrated and hate myself because i cant do anything else but lie down rn. cant even sleep for the most part#i get like 2 hours sleep max in a day#i kinda wanna draw my apex oc but i suck at designs and idk how to design her clothes LMAOAOA#just wanna draw her interacting w people tbh#also i want more alter content but idk what to make#i just love her
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currently trying to find a balance between being close friends with people and putting my all into relationships, and keeping them at arms length and it being semi casual, so i don’t hurt myself
#i don’t wanna push people away or isolate myself#it’s just friendship is harddddd#especially right now as i’m still dealing with a lot#like i’m mostly recovered from the manic episode#i just wanna put things in place in my life so i can better deal#not just in the event i’m manic but just in general#tho honestly all i seem to do lately is fix my life and it doesn’t really happen#but i keep trying because what else can i do?#i guess i’m just trying to take things slow#but also my fatal flaw is my impatience#but honestly anybody in my situation probably would be#no one wants to sit around for things to get better#even if i’m doing it for myself i’m still waiting as i put things in place#bc nothing happens instantly#soooo 🤷🏻♀️#idk i’m kinda torn between hating small talk and also kinda needing it?#like putting everything into relationships is exhausting#just talking casually is kinda easier for me rn#and i need to find better ways to deal bc i can’t just trauma dump on my friends#even if they’re fine with it#it’s not healthy#a certain level of talking about your problems is fine but there’s a stage where it gets to be you should probably be talking to a therapist#instead of a friend#bc your friend can only help you so much and distractions only go so far#you need like actual help at some point#even if you won’t admit it to yourself#bc honestly i’ve been through this a million times#and you always have to hit rock bottom before you admit you’re in too deep#i hit my rock bottom recently#and now i’m crawling out and paving over that hole i fell through
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I cannot fathom the level of self importance some people must have to behave this way
#it’s more so selfishness lmao#idk I’m getting unnecessarily worked up about this but 6 months ago I kinda vanished off of everywhere and then I noticed she deleted some#messages#girl I would’ve responded later calm down gosh the messages aren’t going anywhere nor are they disappearing#dora daily#I think of all people who should be mad you’re the last one because tell me why you were so viscerally rude to me since the beginning and#played a massive part of the roaa situation by being complacent when oh ! I thought you’d side with your alleged best friend ME#girl you have no right to complain at all not to mention you take FOREVER when you have no excuse to reply back but when I’m struggling I#apparently have zero excuse ☠️ girl bye#not to mention the fact that when I was so frustrated with myself having these bad headaches and being so incapable of doing anything when#exams were so close all you had to say was what can I do#well bitch what could I have done when you were at hospital#I guarantee you I was the only one texting you 24:7 asking how you were#reassuring you that it’s okay to feel upset about being in the fucking hospital and you don’t need to have such toxic positivity all the tim#oh but when the other girl had freaking back pain from her period or something apparently that’s more of a concern#girl bye#not me who has chronic headaches and cannot even study and nothing sticking cause it’s that bad#oh but go ahead compare it to your chronic illnesss like yes it’s horrible and yes it impacts you a lot#but I don’t think it impacts your brain and memorisation capacity#not to mention how fucking jealous she is of everything like I can say oh god I was so stressed and girl she has not felt stress in her life#compared to what I go through yet she is jealous of the fact I can stress ? tf?#and when I say I almost passed out cause of exhaustion she doesn’t give a shit when I was being so serious#in truth I’ve come to realise nobody does seem to care at all lmao they all think I’m lying#why would I lie about that be so fucking fr rn#anyways this is why I simply don’t want to talk about my physical condition with anyone anymore because they’ll think I’m a liar anyways 🤷♀#not to mention the fact if you even knew me a little you’d understand that it’s so impossibly hard for me to feel comfortable enough to#complain to talk about me feeling sick or sad or whatever I only do it here cause no one follows me and no one will rlly see it at all#but even here I feel like my throat closes up and I can barely breathe when I do complain#so pls …#this one sided friendship thing is crazy cause girl how do I shake you off?
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#personal#i have doctors appt today with a new doctor its literally not even a real appointment i just need some stupid forms signed#but guys im so stressed im so scared ive already cried once about it today i just. i fucking hate doctors so so much#theyre all so bad. im not in the mood to be dismissed again today and its 15 goddamn degrees so everything feels bigger and worse than it is#if they dont sign the form i dont get paid any more and if i dont get paid i cant continue to try and sort out my medical#which means i continue to not get paid and im just. so scared. so so fucking scared i dont even care if we find the start if the path#to vetter my health i dont care about gettinf better right now i just need this fucking form signed but#ive already been dismissised for it once and i have new doctor jitters. what do you mean i have to tell someone new that#i have ptsd and anxiety and depression and fibro and alleged bpd but its probably autism actually and hope#hope and prey they losten to me because its other doctors that have told me this and im definitely computer illiterate i couldntve come up#with all this on my own i promise ive done zero research into my own symptoms i live with every day im a simpleton im an idiot#please believe me dr refer me to ypur colleagues for further testing but in the mwan time sign the one form i need please#im so scared. i dont know what to do. my tarot says to tryst myself and find my own authority about the situation#but like literally legally i cant i have to rely on the hope this new doctor gives her signature or i dont get fucking paid as stated#i hate this i feel so shaky and nervous and nauseous and awful 😮💨#and im supposed to do groceries today. im at the very end of my shopping like if i dont go get food today#then i dont eat tonight but its cold and rainy and im super stressed abt the appointment so idk if ill be able to go shopping after#i dont wanna die anymore but like rn i kinda do this is too much today feels like too much#help me im drowning
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this tiny mortified storyboard solas is my favorite one i've ever drawn
#how the FUCK am i going to translate this to my regular style#i don't know what this even looks like on a real face#Fucking Mortified#personal log#this comic is gonna suck because i literally cannot write solas but its funny and i need to see him embarrass himself so bad#“ohhh yeah i am so fucking efficient i am going to impress lavellan so hard rn this guy is going to be all better in 0.5 seconds im so sexy#*heals like marcille dunmeshi in front of healer lavellan*#*man experiences the worst pain in his entire life* *sound of wet bones popping* *guttural primal screaming*#“hm. i think i should go now.”#and he only ever healed unconscious people again lmao#he leaves big ole fuckin scars too. he's shit at healing#actually i take it back it's 'oh. no. he asked me to help. this is literally a no win situation for me'#instead of 'hehe im so sexy'#because he knows that the guy he's trying to impress is mr. 'huh. that kinda tingles.' specialized healer#who has only ever seen solas heal unconscious people before#SEE I CAN'T WRITE HIM FOR SHIT#no. no i was right. he's both. version 1 is revved up youngblood solas#then he fucked around and found out that people generally don't like severe pain sounds#dammit i'm an artist not a writer jim#ranting to myself in my own tags. if you're reading this: hi! it feels good to be known
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#went to bed at 4am and got up at 4pm…feel kinda :// today#I’ve been sleeping on my couch because my bedroom is a disaster and my muscles are killing me#I’m ok I guess just feel kinda slow today because I got up so late#not really sure what to do with myself rn#maybe I’ll do some cleaning🤔#need to do anything that will help my anxiety#also finished sex and the city again this morning so guess it’s time for anothe rewatch!!!#personal
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I NEEED to go back to making art that makes it ABUNDANTLY clear that theres something wrong with my brain BUT NOT in a cool or stylishly interesting way. i need to do it in a way that makes people say "hm." and walk away
#sowwy ive been kinda going through it in my fine arts major rn can u tell HJKSDHKFd#ive been feeling like. scared. and paralyzed by marketability and branding.#i cant stop thinking about how other people will see my art. but not like in a good way#when i was younger i thought about it in a good way. like hee hee hoo hoo the act of looking connected us hee hee#but rn i keep thinking about it in like this wretched like consumer product mindset? ouhhghhhhh el problema es el capitalismo#and like maybe this works for some people. to think like this. to make art like this. its what my professors push me towards#not intentionally. they dont say it out loud at least. im not sure if they know or not some of the irony#my professors are nice and pretty smart and talented and i like em. but sometimes i wonder like. the push for us as students to make like#marketable 'avant garde'? stuff thats safe but pretending to be weird and out there#i dont mean to sound pretentious. in general i play it too safe myself (spent too much time as an edgy 10 year old with my#parents freaking out over my shoulder because they think the fact that i drew an anime character frowning means something serious LOL)#but i dunno man. my least interesting art with the least amount of care thought or effort always gets so much more attention in school#nowhere else oddly. online? people like my more passionate but seemingly frivolous art (oc art etc. not frivolous to me but yknow how it is#same with irl artists and other industry people outside my school. whats going on in my school LOL#i know from experience i cant push myself into a supposedly marketable brand. if i try to make something sell it will not.#i dont know why. maybe theres an invisible essence buyers can tell when i didnt care jkfsldjdfrds#but my teachers LOOOOVE the stuff i put no passion in its so bizarre orz but i gotta relearn how to ignore half of their advice#i used to be better at it. but i also only used to ignore like a quarter of their advice. maybe i need to amp up how much im ignoring#that sounds mean. they have plenty of good advice. but also plenty of advice thats clouded by their own biases#and i gotta relearn how to sort out this stuff again. i forget every few months for some reason#you know i always think ouuhhhhh i act so neurotypical ouhhhhhhhhh im outgoing i talk to strangers all the time i seem confident#im so masked IM SO MASKED but then i go a couple weeks where every conversation i have has people looking at me like#i have two heads and neither of them are speaking their language. and then i descend into madness like this HJKLDSHJDS#i'll be fine i'll figure it out. i need to stop trying to get a good grade in being a 'cutting edge' conventional artist <3#i need to just. draw my cartoon characters in peace 😔😔😔
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#im so tired of this lalalalalalalalaa#something is Wrong lol#i really need this therapy on wednesday but guess WHAT im not going. im going to a funeral instead 🤡#and ill be singing in that stupid fucking church because have to but i dont fucking wanna i hate doing it and i hate churches#all i feel rn is the overwhelming urge to selfdestruct and like obv im not gonna kms now#but im so fucking angry that im not even *allowed* to do that anymore. like it was such a comfort all this time to know that i can just Quit#and now i cant because guess what someone has to take care of my mother 🫠 and im so fucking tired of being someone people depend on#to handle THEIR feelings and THEIR emotions and just take it all with humility and acceptance and kindness and never snap and bite back#like i dont WANNA hear about your dead husband i dont wanna hear about your stupid fucking boyfriend#i dont wanna hear about the new guy/girl who's hitting on you because you're so hot and perfect#i dont wanna be responsible for how people feel. i should just shut up and take it and be humble and never ask or expect anything back#but when is it MY turn to call at 1 am crying about how im tired and want to kms#or to start expecting shit of people and allow myself to get properly angry at them for not meeting those expectations#or to braggingly 'complain' about something the other person clearly lacks without any consideration for their feelings#or to just openly cry and say deeply personal shit without any filter not caring if that other person is clearly uncomfortable af#because *i* need it right now and i need someone to listen and let them worry about how to even respond to that stuff#im just so tired of people expecting shit of me im tired of being made responsible even tho i clearly cannot handle that responsibility#i wanna be mean i wanna snap and get angry and openly say that i dont give a shit and am tired and cant listen to this rn#but i cant because i have to be a motherfucking mother theresa and never dare to demand something for myself#and idk where that comes from. idk if it's coming from the fanatic catholicism of my childhood or my mother or just from myself and idc#i just feel so horrible and guilty and wrong for wanting anything for myself#and it once again feels like im making myself the victim and the tortured martyr here when i should just shut up and take it#i just wanna lie down and die and not care about who'll get angry or judge or blame me for it im tired and i dont know what to do#i want someone to take care of ME and reassure ME and make ME feel like i matter and that they really will help me if i ever need it#and that they'd be kinda sad if i were gone not because i had a role to fulfill that i failed at by killing myself but because i am a person#<- math calculations flying around my head as i come to the terrible realisation#of just why exactly im so deeply obsessed with my voice teacher (aside from her being literally the most beautiful woman alive lol) 🤡#like babygirl stop being so utterly overwhelmingly kind to me my knees are weak i would do anything for you queen and I MEAN IT
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After I eventually finish this Haechan fic (s2g I don’t know why it’s getting so long 😂) and after I finish the rest of unholy, I’m gonna force myself to keep to a word minimum and just write something short because I can’t keep doing these long fics 😭
#I do this to myself lmfao#NONE of these things were meant to be this long but for some reason?? they are#I’ve got 4 parts to the Haechan fic rn#and it’s 71.5k in length and I’m not done#it’s definitely slow burn by the way#and I could cut that word count by like a quarter probably except the way that I wrote it I feel like adds an additional layer to the story#so I want to keep it in but I don’t technically really need that quarter/third of the story#but it adds to it!! I still don’t know how I want to post this either#obviously not in one big chunk because that’s fucking daunting to see a one post fic that’s like almost 75k#and the order I want to post it in because I can kinda change the order up from the way that I wrote it#all I know is that this fourth part I just finished has to be fourth#but the first three are kinda sorta? interchangeable#and now I have to write the fifth part but idk exactly how I want to write it#but I’m almost positive it’s gonna be the final part#but the fourth one is 25k by itself 😂#this is what I mean tho#I need to write a nice short 5k piece#or several like 5k and under smutty things about various members#I like to think I can just squeeze these out but then damn it takes me like two or three months because I just keep adding onto them and#evolving the story as I write it smh#I gotta go I need to keep writing and also eat dinner
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arcana mc would not be me though i’d hop out of the country with asra instead of staying behind
#now i kinda wanna draw asra…#and my mc for the arcana AND my SI because i decided i need 2 indulge even MORE#my MC is so cute though 💜 main character energy fr#i created her initial design to work with julian’s well#but then it kept morphing into more purple tones + softer features#goddd and i’m so upset bc like. i got some fuckin ROCKIN designs for them.#they’re all SO good and i will praise myself on this fact.#i especially like joanna’s (mc) masquerade fit (based off a phoenix!! bc it’s fitting to the story n it’s COOL)#i rlly like my SI’s palace casual and masquerade and winter look#maybe i’ll do a little doodling. hehe.#btw i don’t support the arcana n all that shit ☹️. i’m still disappointed.#how can u have the best character ever in ur game when u r AWFUL….. disrespectful.#i will still b talking abt it tho on the rare occasions… just pretend they r my characters and my world ok ? ok.#i don’t even wanna know what the fuck they’re doing rn. they got some weird shit going on rn ig LOL#SI is similar to obm MC except they got a tan bc it’s fuckin HOT in the arcana universe. and obm mc is so fucking pale because well#it’s DARK THERE. !!! they gotta take vitamin d supplements
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as lonely as being aro can be I honestly wouldn't have it any other way because as a kid I felt like my life would be over in my 20s once I married and started having kids but the first time I realized I didn't have to do that shit was akin to a bird getting released from its cage
#like idk. i remember watching my mom growing up. no time to read or paint or sing or do anything she wanted to do#because she was always doing chores and housework and taking care of the kids#and she said she chose that life and was happy with it but it felt like a cage to me every time i thought about it#and in the ''religion'' i grew up in anyone with ovaries was supposed to get married and have lots of babies as soon as they could#so yk. 20s.#and as a kid growing up in that environment i Literally thought i would only get to live for 20/25 years#and then i'd be miserable and locked inside the house for the rest of my life#and all my friends growing up Wanted that !! they wanted marriage and a million kids and all the things we were told we needed to have#and im sure a lot of this was just the culture we grew up in. even now after leaving years ago im still struggling to unlearn things#and as kids ?? we didnt know Anything.#but idk. i remember watching brave and connecting with merida so much because i didnt want to get married either !!!#but i thought i had to !!! literally that movie made me cry so many times fr#but finding out what aromanticism was was literally so insane it was like. i dont have to do any of this bullshit actually.#it was literally the most radical thought i'd ever encountered at the time#it felt like i was defying everything i've been taught and it took me a long time to separate myself from the mindsets i grew up with#and then longer still to eventually separate myself from that environment completely#but idk. im a little lonely sometimes and my siblings and friends are all getting married and paired off#but i dont have to. my life isnt over and i can live it however i want.#idkkkkkkkk im feeling kinda emotional rn. being aro is incredible fr#winter speaks#queer#personal
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