#because it’s what Eddie would do - think that Chris is better off with out him - that his parents were right all along and Chris should be

[stagefoureddiediaz]

Have we thought about the idea that maybe Eddie sends Chris away rather than Chris wanting to leave??

Eddie feeling like he keeps messing everything up - messing up his son’s life - that he’s destroyed his soul - and so thinks sending Chris away is what’s best for Chris??

[lover-of-mine]

I've been thinking while chilling in the they cast Ryan with a plan delusionland, but specifically what it would take to give Buck the most satisfying love story possible. Because Buck was written as the love interest. His purpose in season 1 is to give something to the main character. And ever since, he's been there to provide something to his love interests even though he's the main character now, he gave Ali a place to stay, he gave Taylor professional advancement (and this one is made worse by her book), he gave Natalia inside information on death, so he's constantly providing things without getting anything substantial in return, much like with Abby and the way that he was just a device to make her feel better about her life. And the main thing here is that Buck is being pursued in order to offer something. He's never the one to go after them, he's the one being chased in a sense, Abby calls him, Ali calls him, Taylor kisses him, Natalia asks him out, Tommy kisses him, so these people want something from him and they take it, most of the time without giving him something in return, Abby forces him to get closure by himself, Ali leaves him because she can't handle the job, where do I even begin with Taylor. So if you think about it, considering the initial way Buck was written, and the way they expanded this to the point that he was literally born to offer something to someone who provided him with nothing (in this case his parents), or the way Maddie shows up because she needs the safety he could provide (I'm not saying Maddie doesn't provide him with anything, I know she does so much for him, but she did show up because she needed a place to hide) his main love interest needs to be someone who's not asking him for stuff. And that's been Eddie since he was introduced. Under Pressure is about Buck choosing Eddie. Eddie tries, but when he realizes Buck is serious about not liking him, he validates Buck's feelings, granted in his sassy way of his, and backs off until he has a chance to give Buck the choice to let him in. You can have my back any day. The phrasing of this is great for the whole Eddie trusts Buck to take care of him, he's not saying he will take care of Buck, he's giving Buck the option of taking care of him. But the thing there is that he puts the choice in Buck's hands. Buck could've walked away. Even Buck's reactions to the way Eddie says it shows a moment where Buck is considering before offering the or you can have mine. The metaphor surrounding the rescue in this context is interesting because while Eddie is choosing Buck right there, he's not forcing Buck to step in. Much like the ambulance, Eddie is offering himself, but he's not forcing anyone to go into the ambulance and risk getting blown up with him. Buck needs to volunteer. And he does.

I know the fandom loves to say Eddie baby trapped Buck, but Buck was the one who took one look at Eddie and said I'm stepping in with you whether you like it or not. Eddie never demanded anything from Buck beyond for Buck to be himself. He never asked for help with Chris, Buck chose to talk to Bobby to clear him being at the station, Buck chose to trick Eddie to offer him help in the form of Carla. Sure, when it's convenient for the plot, Eddie will just decide on things, but like, even the lawsuit of it all, when Eddie is inserting himself into the conflict, Buck is ready to be forced to provide Eddie with something to be forgiven "so whatever it takes for you to forgive me" but Eddie is instantly "I forgive you" because he doesn't need for Buck to prove himself. Over and over again, the show puts Eddie in a position that shows that he just loves Buck. No matter what. He never asked Buck to provide him with something. I think even the will and the way Eddie hides it plays into this. He doesn't want to ask for Buck to do this. Eddie knows Buck will do it, he knows how much Buck loves Chris, but the will reveal is not really about Eddie asking Buck to do something for him, taking care of Chris if he can't because the episode already showed Buck doing that without knowing that was what Eddie wanted, but to give Buck that shock that he does have something to live for, that he matters, that someone loves him. Eddie exists as the person that allows Buck to make his own decisions. He does push back when he thinks Buck needs that push but he doesn't make the choice for him. Even if Buck ever decides to walk away from him, he'll let him if that's what Buck really wants, because ultimately it will be Buck's choice and he respects that. And ultimately, with the archetype they had in mind when they created Buck, that is what Buck needs for him to be in the most satisfying romantic relationship narratively. Buck needs someone who loved him before they were in love with him. And that is the work they have been putting towards buddie since Eddie was introduced. And that's also why Buck is the one who needs to start his endgame relationship. It's never gonna feel right until Buck chooses to do something about it because everything about him is about someone else making the choice.

[semperama]

for the kissing meme: buck/eddie, 24.

-as a reward

Buck makes it all the way back to his loft before he breaks and texts Eddie.

Don’t do it, man, he says. Don’t let them get to you.

Sure, Eddie’s been getting nothing but shit from the entire 118 since he came back from Texas sporting a mustache. And sure, Buck has joined in on the teasing—he had to, even if he felt like he needed to have his fingers crossed behind his back the entire time. But after Eddie laughed off today’s latest round of 70s porn star jokes and promised he’d come in for his next shift clean-shaven, Buck felt—something a lot like panic. Churning stomach, shaking hands. When Eddie said goodbye in the locker room, thumping Buck on the shoulder, Buck almost reached out to stop him, reached to run his thumb across his upper lip, because—no. No.

I knew you didn’t hate it, Eddie texts back a couple minutes later. And Buck groans, even though he’s not shocked something gave him away—the flush in his cheeks or the way he laughed a little too loud at everyone else’s Freddie Mercury jokes or the way he couldn’t stop looking.

Come on. You know we all have to get on your case. But you should keep it.

The time has come, Buck. You’ll live.

And sure, Buck gets it. It was a—a crisis mustache, or whatever. A temporary change, and now that Christopher’s back and everyone’s together and everything is good, why does he still need it? But Buck just—he can’t explain it, can’t examine it, but it feels like he’ll be losing something if Eddie loses the facial hair. It feels like someone scooping up the last bite of a dessert he never got to try, or learning he missed the window on a museum exhibit he really wanted to see.

Please? Buck types it out and sends it before he can think too hard about it. Please. For me?

Eddie doesn’t respond to that. Ten minutes go by, then twenty. He probably got in the shower, probably is shaving it off right now, all that dark hair swirling down the drain. Tomorrow Buck will go over for dinner and video games with Chris, and Eddie will look…normal. Everything will be back to normal. Why does that feel like something Buck can’t handle, doesn’t want?

He’s halfway through prepping dinner, forcing himself to go through the motions so he’ll stop feeling shaky and fragile inside, when someone knocks at his door. He wipes his hands off, frowning, and goes to the door, and—it’s Eddie.

It’s Eddie, with a mustache.

“’For me?’” Eddie says.

Buck should feel ashamed, hearing his frankly unhinged message parroted back to him, but he’s too busy sighing with relief and—reaching, reaching out like he wanted to before, his palm cradling Eddie’s jaw and his thumb swiping across the hair at the corner of Eddie’s mouth. It’s better than he thought it would be, a little spiky at the ends but…soft too. Soft enough he wants to rub his lips against it.

So he does.

“Buck,” Eddie says, amused, his lips brushing Buck’s, the mustache tickling his skin. It’s not quite a kiss, not yet, but—it could be. It will be, soon.

“Shut up,” Buck says, heat flooding his face. Then, “Thank you.” And then he tips his head down a little and presses his mouth to Eddie’s in earnest, tonguing his top lip and groaning at the prickle, the newness, just what he wanted, what he asked for.

Eddie wraps an arm around his waist, iron band of muscle, and walks him backward into the loft, lets the door fall shut. “For you,” he murmurs against Buck’s mouth.

Buck moves his head left to right, lets the hair rasp across his cheek, his mouth, his chin. He licks again, kisses again, wants to burrow in and stay. “Thank you,” he says again. It’s silly. Stupid. But Eddie did this for him, and now Buck wants to give him everything, anything.

“Buck,” Eddie says, all fondness and gravel. “Just kiss me.”

He doesn’t need to be asked twice.

[nqueso-emergency]

gotta confess - eddie’s lack of self awareness for certain things and the way he rarely accepts responsibility for his actions are what put me off of his character pretty quick.

even when he’s aware of how wrong he acted with shannon, he does it when his actions have driven her away (not entirely justifying this either. i dislike shannon and i don’t think fully cutting contact with chris was the solution), and this is largely the only time we see him seeking forgiveness or change. post separation and then after her death.

but we never see him feel sorry for a lot of things. and i am sorry to bring it up again, as this has been a hot topic of discussion in the fandom lately, but he never apologizes for how he’s treated buck at times. he screams at him in a grocery store and then acts almighty when he’s forgiving buck for the lawsuit, as if he’s doing him a favor. it’s frustrating, because he left buck on his own, only checked on him when he wanted free babysitting, and neglected to acknowledge that if chris was struggling after the tsunami, buck was struggling as well.

and i get he was going through it. but so was buck. i understand losing your wife is incredibly hard. but buck went through multiple incredible traumatic experiences and he lacked a lot of support, in the way eddie didn’t. so. why is so easy to offer understanding to eddie, but so hard to do the same for buck? we see them both affected by trauma and acting due to it in early season 3 (and only one caused bodily harm, might i add), but only one is treated as fully being wrong, when he isn’t. buck could’ve acted better, but he had grounds for a lawsuit. he wasn’t entirely wrong.

yet. as much as eddie tells buck to suck his trauma up (which, wtf), he lashes out at him. is downright mean at him. if a friend called me exhausting like that it would shatter me. and he never apologizes, and instead doubles down on buck being the one in the need of seeking forgiveness in that kitchen scene.

so. i’m sorry, but i can’t help but love buck finally wanting his space and to prioritize his boyfriend. it’s about time.

(and also, i don’t think eddie will be resentful of this. hopefully)

Anon I am kissing you gently on the forehead. I agree with all of this.

[kneazle]

Tommy didn't think much of it as he rushed into the hospital's emergency room barely out of his flight suit, having just hit the locker room at the end of his shift when he got the call. A nurse calling to inform him that his son was being treated after a fall. Hearing your son didn't register until he was at the desk asking about Chris– his brain automatically knew who the nurse was talking about when he heard the words.

He was fidgeting standing there waiting as the man behind the desk looked up where Chris was. Tommy knew he only got called because Eddie and Evan weren't around, having volunteered to help out a few cities over with a massive fire while Chris stayed over at a friends until his dad came back, but there were other people he could have called—any of the 118, or Carla for example—but Chris told them to call him and told the nurse Tommy was his dad.

Tommy's head was spinning.

He and Evan were together for a year now and Tommy's spent time with Chris at least once a week for the past few months and he knew he was liked, that Chris supported his relationship with his second dad and jokingly called Tommy his step-dad once, but this? Tommy had to blink back tears when he finally was directed to the right area. For years he longed to belong somewhere, secretly wanting a family but never saying a word not thinking it would ever happen for him– now thanks to Evan and in extension Eddie he had genuine friends, the 118 welcoming him back in as if he never left, and his heart filled with joy anytime he was welcomed into the Han or Diaz's homes like he was a part of them.

"Chris!" Tommy let out a sigh of relief when he saw the teenager sitting on the gurney down the hall, the doctor looked to be finishing up giving Chris fucking stitches on his arm as a woman Tommy vaguely recognized as his best friends mom, having met her only twice– once at Chris's birthday party and then another time when Tommy had to pick him up from school.

"I'm okay!" Was the first thing out of his mouth, the doctor took a step away as Tommy moved to sit beside him, grabbing his arm to inspect it and noticing the scraps before his eyes drifted to the cut open jeans that were dirty and slightly bloody.

"What happened?" Tommy asked, gaze going between Chris and the mom– Diana he thinks.

"We were at a ice cream place by the beach and there were these big rocks piled all over the boys wanted to explore and Chris said he could handle it and he's better at knowing what he can handle then I could possibly–" Diana rambled on in one breath, looking anxious as if she expected Tommy to yell at her or give a lecture. But he knew that would be Eddie's call if he wanted to, Tommy's priority was to make sure Chris was okay.

"Other than the stitches it's just scraps and bruises," Chris told him.

Tommy breathed out and wrapped an arm around Chris, kissing the side of his head in a move he'd seen Evan do before. Usually it wasn't something Chris welcomed much anymore he was told, but the teenager leaned into Tommy instead of pulling away. Strings pulled at his heart at the warm weight against his side.

When they settled in at his and Evan's house–that used to be his and was now equipped for Chris should he need it and a bedroom just for him—Tommy finally asked. Chris sitting in one of the kitchen chairs with him on the floor, first aid kit beside him as he cleaned the cuts on his knees. Chris didn't want to be in the hospital anymore than he had to and asked if Tommy could clean them at home. It didn't escape his knowledge that this house was considered home to him too.

"Hey Chris?" Tommy asked softly, only continuing when he looked at him. "Why did you tell them I was your dad? You could have said I was an uncle or something instead."

Chris smiled and put his hand on Tommy's shoulder, "Dad didn't tell you?"

"Tell me what?" Tommy said carefully, blinking up at Chris, taking his eyes off the scrap he just put a band-aid on.

"Dad put in my file that if he and Buck aren't available, you would be the next person to contact, as my other dad."

He said it so nonchalantly that it almost flew over Tommy's head. He froze and swallowed to push down the lump growing in his throat. He blinked to starve off his watering eyes. "You–"

"You and Buck aren't going anywhere," Chris shrugged. "You care for me like Buck does, dad and I love you just as we love Buck."

Tommy felt his resolve break in that moment as years of feelings and yearning shoved so far back came to the surface—and healed at Chris's words—neither of them said a word to anyone about it as the two hugged and tears fell.

Two days later when Buck and Eddie came back, the Diaz men opting to stay the night, Tommy pulled Eddie into a crushing hug that had the other man grunt before returning it. All three men and teenager made makeshift beds in the living room like they've done a few times for movie nights. Tommy found himself tucked against Evan's chest, one arm curled around holding him while the other rubbed circles along his back as if to soothe the mountain of emotions he'd been feeling– Tommy felt so much love for this man. It was obvious to him by his actions that Evan knew without Tommy having to say a word about his feelings.

Waking up in the morning Tommy was still against Evan's chest, but there was a weight that wasn't there when he fell asleep. Eddie who was beside him had turned around at some point, his arm thrown over Tommy with his hand resting over Evan's hip, Eddie's front against his back with his face buried between Tommy's neck and shoulder. He could smell food coming from the kitchen, the pre-made breakfast burritos being heated up it smelt like, which meant Chris was already up– and getting breakfast ready for all three of his dad's Tommy thought with a smile.

He let his eyes drift close for a few more minutes not wanting to move from the warmth and comfort surrounding him. Tommy curled more into Evan's chest and Eddie made a grumbling groan from behind him at the movement, pushing himself closer until Tommy was completely between the two. Amusement began to sink in at the thought of what they must look like, thankfully none of the 118—especially Howie—weren't here to take a picture or make fun. But Tommy– he didn't care if it was weird to anyone outside this house. For the first time in his life Tommy felt completely and utterly loved, by the two men holding him as they slept and the teenager who solidified Tommy's place as family by calling him dad.

[peppermintquartz]

It's the jealousy fic that has no outline so it's all bits and pieces until I figure it out.

First bit here

Second bit here

--

Buck paces around his loft - well, dusting and vacuuming, but he knows what he's actually doing - until he feels like he can't be alone with his thoughts any longer. He fires a text off to his sister and she tells him to meet her outside Jee-yun's daycare, and all three of them can go to the playground for a bit for the girl to run off a little more of her energy before they go home.

Buck is happy to see his two favorite girls and Jee-yun shrieks with joy when she sees her Uncle Buck, so this is clearly a great idea. On the way to the park, Buck lets his niece ride on top of his shoulders, while Maddie strolls next to them.

At the playground there are several other kids, most of whom Jee-yun knows - Buck winces when the little girl pulled on his curls to point out her best friend - so Maddie lets her daughter play with the other children, the two Buckleys sitting on a nearby bench to watch her tear around in some incomprehensible game that seems to be tag.

"Feel better?" Maddie asks.

"Yeah," says Buck. He squeezes his sister's hand. "Thanks."

She keeps her gaze on her girl as she asks, "What's the matter?"

"Tommy and I had a fight." Buck exhales and slouches. "And it's not... It's not a small thing this time. Not like that time we were deciding between traveling for Christmas or staying here."

Maddie glances at him, her brow furrowed. "What did you fight over?"

"Eddie. Or, well, not over him. It was about the amount of time I spent with him." Buck sits up and runs a big hand through his hair, smiling when Jee-yun runs over to demand a kiss from them both, and then she sprints back to her friends. Buck's smile fades. "Tommy claims that I've spent only five hours all week with him. And, okay, I know I haven't been able to get more than a day off together with him, but that was unfair."

Always a good listener, Maddie reaches for his hand and pets it. "How was it unfair?"

"Because Eddie is alone right now and he needs me," Buck says vehemently. He blows out his cheeks and shakes his head. "He doesn't eat much, he hardly sleeps, he won't come out of his house except for work, and he refuses to go to therapy..."

Maddie squeezes his hand. "I'm sorry, Buck. I didn't know it was that bad. Did you tell anyone else?"

"About... About Eddie? Yeah, I told Frank. Because I was worried."

"Did you tell Tommy?"

Buck looks at his sister. Her big, brown eyes gaze at him, soft and nonjudgmental. Then Buck lets go of her hand so that he can bury his face in his own. "Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit."

With a long exhale, Maddie soothes down his back. "I'm guessing, from Tommy's perspective, you're spending time with Eddie because you prefer to spend time with him."

"I was so caught up with, with trying to help Eddie that I forgot... Shit. He doesn't know. He doesn't know what really happened, he just knows Chris went to stay in Texas for summer... He knows that Eddie's upset because Chris isn't around, but not all the other stuff..." Buck sits up and rubs over his mouth with his hands. "God. No wonder he's so angry and jealous."

"So what are you gonna do now?" Maddie asks.

Buck sighs. "Will I have to grovel?"

Chuckling, Maddie shakes her head. Then she waves at her daughter, who is now at the top of the slide, and claps when Jee-yun slides down without anyone having to push her. "She's so brave. And no, Buck, I don't think you'll have to grovel. But, here's the thing, go talk with Eddie, figure out how much he's okay with Tommy knowing. Then you will need to explain the situation to your boyfriend." She sighs and a wry smile crosses her face. "That's the difficult part, really."

"It is?"

"Because you know he would feel bad that he didn't understand and empathize, and you'd feel bad for making him feel bad, for burdening him with your own feelings, all while you feel responsible for Eddie and his state of mind. Which is possibly why you didn't tell Tommy in the first place, right?"

Buck shrugs. It's complicated. "Was that how you felt? When you went back to Boston?"

"That was mostly guilt, really. And I hated that I felt so bad, and I didn't want to burden Chimney with all the weight on my shoulders." She smiles at her brother. "I'm so thankful you kept checking in with me, though. Made me remember that I wasn't alone, even when I most wanted to be."

Buck hugs her and kisses the top of her head. "Thanks, Maddie. I love you."

"I love you too." She squeezes him and then lets him go. "Go see Tommy your next day off. Have a proper talk. But text something between now and then, okay? He may not acknowledge it, but I bet he is missing you."

Buck feels something stinging his eyes and he breathes in sharply, relaxing only when the feeling passes. "Yeah, I will."

Jee-yun's on the top of the slide again, so Buck takes a photo of his niece, waving and laughing, the sky a beautiful blue behind her. Then he sends it to Tommy. "Jee conquered the slide"

About ten minutes later, when Jee-yun has come back to her mother all hot and tired, Buck hears the message notification.

Tommy has replied to the photo with a ❤️.

Buck smiles to himself, and shows Maddie the text. She gives him a knowing look and tells him to carry Jee-yun on his back while she takes her daughter's school bag. It's a nice walk back to Maddie's house, and a pleasant dinner afterwards.

[livwritesstuff]

So Steve obviously loves Valentine’s Day.

This didn’t ever come as a surprise to Eddie, and in the years between when they started dating and when their kids were born, it was something that never changed.

When Steve walked in the door fresh off the afternoon carpool route with their three daughters in tow and said, “Dude – I swear to god this has gotta be the best Valentine’s Day ever,” Eddie wasn’t exactly taken aback, more just unsure what could have happened so early in the day that had him this confident that V-Day of 2012 would be the best one ever.

“Why?” Eddie asked suspiciously.

“When I dropped off Ava, David invited me over to watch the basketball game,” he replies, still with a massive grin on his face even as their daughters dump their backpacks and jackets and shoes all over the ground instead of hanging them up like they should be doing.

Eddie made a face – David, one of their neighbors and an unfortunate addition to the elementary school carpool circuit, is notably a total fucking loser. 

He’s also obsessed with Steve (and not even in a gay way, which Eddie could at least understand – no, it’s in this weird, loser, ex-jock who peaked in high school kind of way).

“I know, right? I’m pretty sure he’s that fucking desperate for something to do tonight that isn’t his wife,” Steve continued.

“What’s wrong with his wife?”

“Ed, believe it or not, it gets even better.”

“Tell me,” Eddie demanded, finally getting that Steve’s got a whole-ass story for him.

“I’m going to, man, holy shit,” Steve shook his head as he stepped over the mess their kids left behind (because one of them would be corralling them all back downstairs to deal with their shit like they’re supposed to)

So Eddie listens as Steve launches into a retelling of the conversation he apparently had with David, who, predictably, acted like a total fucking loser about how Steve actually wanted to spend time with his family on Valentine’s Day.

“What does this have to do with his wife?” Eddie asked when Steve reached a stopping point, “Other than how incredibly sad it is for her.”

“Right – so get this. David ended up telling me that his wife is going out tonight with Chris, and I figured he meant Chris, like Christine, Liam’s mom, because I know they’re friends, but it’s not. It’s Chris, the divorced dad on the PTA, and apparently they hang out all the time.”

Eddie’s eyes widened as he pieced together what Steve was implying.

“No fucking way.”

“Right?!? And, look, you know I think cheating is wrong, but…I dunno, I really hope she has a fantastic Valentine’s Day.”

[blushweddinggowns]

His mind was such a mess, Eddie barely knew what he was thinking anymore. But he did know to be annoyed as fuck when his phone rang. He had kept the ringer on high, despite the fact that the only calls he got were from his inner circle asking what the hell was going on. He managed to ignore most of those. But on the off chance it was Chrissy stuck on her layover he didn’t want to miss it.

He didn’t bother checking who it was when he answered. He knew it wouldn’t be Steve. 

“Hello?” Eddie mumbled into the receiver, “Chris?”

“That better mean Chrissy,” Someone huffed, “If you’re seeing someone else already I think that gives me a legal right to kill you.”

Eddie jolted up at the sound of Steve’s voice, “S-Steve?”

“Yeah, it’s me,” He sighed on the other end, sounding way too casual for someone who just turned Eddie’s world upside down, “So how has Europe been? Or was it California?”

Eddie cringed, at a loss for what to say. It wasn’t helping that his heart was nearly pounding out of his chest, “Oh. I-I didn’t- I mean- I’m sorry.”

Steve snorted on the other end, “Yeah, you are. No social media my ass.”

“It’s - I don’t usually use it that much?” Eddie stammered out, “It’s uh, mostly managed by a team but I have the password and - and this is not helping me at all. Is it?”

“No,” Steve agreed, “No, it’s not.”

“Steve I- I know I can’t say anything to fix this. But I-I didn’t want things to turn out like this. I get it, I’m an asshole but you weren’t a joke Steve. I’m the joke. I’m the idiot-you- I mean- I,” he was rambling, badly. Trying and failing to get everything out. 

He had been too lost in the sauce of his own pity party to ever think about this point. Now he was blowing it.

Or so he thought.

Steve sighed again, “Okay, that’s enough of that. Come open the door. I’m outside.”

It took a second for that to compute, “Huh?”

“I’m outside of your door,” Steve said again, “Are you going to let me in or not?”

Holy shit. Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. 

Eddie rushed to stand, almost instantly eating it when the blood didn’t catch up to his brain. He might have neglected a few bodily needs during the past few days. It just wasn’t enough to stop him from rushing to the door, knocking into every other thing on the way. 

But what was a broken lamp and a few bruises compared to true love?

He wretched the door open, his phone still stupidly at his ear. 

There Steve was, waiting for him. Eddie’s mind had decided to keep the idiot routine going because all he could really do was stare at him, at a total loss for what to do next. 

Steve frowned at him, “Jesus, Eddie. You look… not good.”

“I know,” Eddie agreed, running a hand through his greasy hair. He hadn’t exactly been checking any mirrors but he could do the math. No showers, barely any sleep, constant crying. Now that he thought about it he’s pretty sure he hadn’t even changed since their fight. It was bad. Only made worse by the fact Steve was here to see it.

Steve was still frowning as he stepped inside, closing the door behind him to lean on. 

They stared at each other while Eddie’s heart threatened to beat out of his chest. Is this what a heart attack fet like?

“I don’t really know what to do now,” Steve admitted after another beat of silence, ��I kind of thought I would but… I don’t.”

“That’s okay,” Eddie tried, taking a cautious step forward. But Steve put a hand up, stopping him in his tracks.

He took a deep breathe, “Eddie, what I’m about to say isn’t to hurt you, okay? I’m not trying to make you feel bad.”

Eddie swallowed, his throat dry and his voice quiet when he answered, “Okay.”

“I think you should go take a shower,” Steve said gently, “Then we can talk.”

from the next chapter of this fic

[lenaboskow]

so last night i was sitting here trying to clear my writer's block by jumping between wips and then i had a thought: a writing experiment where i write what an "evan begins" ep would look like. and i know what you're thinking-- "we don't want that" but HEAR ME OUT (this was written while sleep deprived but i'm too lazy to rewrite it, bear with me)

"evan begins" isn't actually buck coming to terms with his given name, it's actually the beginning of him losing himself in his relationship with tommy over the course of several episodes (telling everyone that he no longer goes by buck, distancing himself from the 118, getting reckless on calls because tommy, who is as uninterested as we've seen him to be, only seems to care when he's hurt just like his parents).

and eddie. eddie hates this. he just got christopher back, and now buck is pulling away from him, from their family, from the 118, is refusing to be called buck, and won't stop risking his life for no reason. he tries, he tries so hard to get buck to listen to him. eddie never calls him evan, not once, and buck ignores him every time his name leaves his mouth. it hurts, but eddie knows that he can't give in, that he needs to fight for buck because no one else is, has time to because they're all going through their own stuff. but buck helped him get through chris being in texas, and now eddie would help buck get through whatever this is.

but buck isn't making it easy. he isn't talking to anyone, not really, but it's like he's specifically avoiding eddie. that's why it takes so long for eddie to realize what he's doing. that he's reverted back to his childhood attempts at getting attention. and the way he notices? complete accident. eddie's at the hospital, waiting for news (because buck never remembered to take eddie off of his emergency contact list, and eddie would use that power as much as possible until he realized), and tommy shows up. he and tommy aren't on the friendliest of terms anymore, mostly because of eddie's newly identified jealousy, but they make small talk. tommy makes a comment, something about how he and "evan" hadn't had the chance to go out on a date in over a week, and it clicks.

eddie shows up at the loft that night. tommy's there, he answers the door, and eddie pushes past him, heads straight to buck who's sitting on the couch that isn't even comfortable. he stands in front of him, and before buck can ask why he's at the loft, eddie says "i know what you're doing, and it needs to stop".

buck. buck just... goes quiet. the lack of a denial is enough for eddie, and he turns to tommy, telling him he needs to go. tommy puts up a fight, but eddie's more stubborn, and may or may not threaten to call athena (who is not tommy's biggest fan). is it ethical? no. does it have any legal standing? no to that as well. but eddie doesn't care, and it works, and suddenly he and buck are alone for the first time in months. and buck breaks.

he tells eddie everything, how he didn't feel like himself, and that he didn't know why he was doing what he was, but he didn't know how to stop it, how to leave this relationship that took so much from him. he tells eddie he feels like a failure, like a disappointment, and that he feels guilty for abandoning him right after chris got back. feels guilty for abandoning chris, and the rest of the 118. and eddie just holds him.

the next episode is titled "buck begins again", and we see eddie help buck pick the pieces of his life back up. there's a not so pleasant breakup, apologies are made, and eddie is right there by buck's side the entire time.

i don't think, don't want buddie to get into a relationship in this episode, but what i think would be an acceptable ending would be buck telling eddie "i know, and you know, but i'm not ready. i want to be better for you, for us, for me. will you wait for me?" and eddie just smiles, and nods his head. end episode.

[team-118]

don't wanna ruin the moment

790 words, buddie, pre-relationship/gen, 4×12 Treasure Hunt missing scene

Just Eddie, next to Buck on the freeway, windows down to let the night in. Just Eddie with a lot to smile about.

read it on ao3.

the lovely @queerweewoo and @userbuddie had tagged me for snippets in the past couple weeks and I'd had nothing to show, so this one's for y'all.

"Five hundred fifty-five thousand, five hundred fifty-five point five," Eddie says as he climbs into the jeep.

"Hm?" Buck backs out of the dark road they parked on, hand rested on the familiar spot behind the neck of the passenger seat. Eddie leans into it out of habit.

"The treasure. Five million divided by nine; it's five hundred fifty-five thousand, five hundred fifty-five point five."

Buck whistles lowly. "Well, it's not a million something-something, but it's better than nothing." He pulls the jeep into line behind Athena's car, waving at Hen and Chimney in his rearview.

"Mm. If we find it," Eddie sighs.

"We'll find it," Buck grins, confident, bordering cocky. "With the 118 on the job? Better watch out, Hollis Harcourt."

Eddie laughs. He rolls the window down, letting the cool night air rush into the car. Things have been heavy, lately - good, but heavy: getting Chris on board with Ana, Chris chartering an Uber and running off, but at least it was to Buck. This feels like home, wind against his cheeks and Buck next to him, sandwiched in the middle of the rest of the 118. Whatever else they find tonight, God, he's grateful to have this.

They drive in silence for a while, until Eddie starts fiddling with the bluetooth and Buck busts into laughter when he plays the Mission: Impossible theme. It's so stupid. Eddie's cheeks kind of ache from smiling.

"How'd you know that?" Buck asks, once he's calmed down.

"Know what?"

"That math thing."

"I know math," Eddie defends.

"Yeah, but five million divided by nine?"

"Mm. There's, like, a rule," Eddie muses. "Something like, if the number is divisible by 10, then dividing it by 9 is the first digit of that number a bunch of times, with one less place value."

Buck furrows his brows, like he’s trying to do it in his head.

"300 divided by 9 is 33.3. 400 divided by 4 is 44.4," Eddie shrugs. "I don't know, it was in Chris's math homework."

What Eddie doesn't bring up is that it was Ana who taught him that. That he'd kissed her on her couch, in between fourth grade math problems and bites of the dinner she'd made, and it had felt...nice, he guesses. Good. It's been a while since he's kissed anyone, and Shannon was only his second or third kiss, and Ana tasted so different but felt just the same. Cherry lips instead of strawberry, but still soft and warm. He still resisted the teenage urge to wipe his mouth on his hand afterwards.

But he doesn't mention it, because Buck would ask, and then his stupid lie about construction on Sunset would fall apart and Buck would know he's kissed someone and God, wouldn't that be weird? And anyway, that's not who he wants to be right now.

Not Eddie, maybe betraying Shannon's memory and maybe hurting his son and maybe not being the greatest boyfriend, after all this time. Just Eddie, next to Buck on the freeway, windows down to let the night in. Just Eddie with a lot to smile about.

"Almost there," Buck says finally, pulling Eddie out of his thoughts. "I think we beat the others by a bit. See, aren't you glad I drove?"

"I'm always glad when you drive," Eddie grins. "Saves me so much gas."

Buck reaches over the dash and flicks his temple. "Just for that, I'm taking half your cut."

"You wouldn't," Eddie gasps, mocking.

"Oh, yeah, freeloader," Buck teases. "And I'll use it to bribe Chris into teaching me your secret, mathematical ways."

"They're really not a secret. I could teach you, if you really wanted."

"Ah, but if my calculations are correct, your numbers are wrong," Buck says, swinging the Jeep through a sharp left into Harcourt's quiet neighborhood. He taps his nose knowingly, looks at Eddie, and smirks. "Five and above, you gotta round up. It should be point six."

Eddie rolls his eyes. "Semantics."

"Details! They're important," Buck insists as they pull into the driveway. "Math teachers can't tell you everything, you know. You'll still need me around."

Buck doesn’t know about that night, but he knows about Ana. Of course he does.

"I'll always need you around," Eddie tells him, probably a little more honestly than warranted. But then Buck is smiling over the parking brake, and that makes it worth it. Eddie holds eye contact until Hen's headlights appear in the rearview, and then he hops out.

"I mean," he says, grinning over the hood. "Who else is gonna drive me to the treasure?"

Then Eddie's own laughter is drowning out Buck's groan, and he grabs his best friend’s hand and pulls him to Hollis Harcourt's gate.

[typicalopposite]

🍓 Fruit picking for bucktommy if it inspires you 💙

Welp! I was very inspired 😂🫶 hope you like it!!

<3<3<3

Evan loves kids. 

It’s nothing new. Tommy has known from the very beginning. How he brought up how cool Chris would think Tommy’s job was during the tour. How he absolutely adores his favorite girl (Jee). How he deserts Tommy with Hen and Karen to go see what Denny and Mara are up to. 

The kids love Evan, too. 

There’s very little—if any—doubt he is the favorite. He is the first person they ask about when they come around. He is the one Jee requests her bedtime stories from when she spends the night. He is the one Chris comes too with his issues he doesn’t want to tell Eddie about. He’s their Buck, and he means the world to them… and them to him. 

Tommy loves this for Evan.

Mostly because with both of them being firefighters, the topic of kids of their own feels either very far off (and some days not even in the realm of possibility). One day, he hopes, and he knows Evan hopes so too… but for now, he gets to be wrangled into the role of fun uncle with Evan, while he just tries to keep up. And if he’s being honest, he loves that for himself. 

***

It’s Evan’s birthday… and in true fun uncle fashion he was going to rent a water slide for the kids (himself too, but mostly them) to come over and spend his day off having a blast. Instead… he wakes up with a fever and a sore throat and a cough. He’s devastated… his pout pulling down so far it’s almost comical. 

“Got you some medicine,” Tommy says, sitting down next to Evan’s warm body. He gives him a little cup of NyQuil and a bottle of water. 

Evan sighs and takes the medicine, wincing as he swallows it. “Thanks…” he sighs, the pout immediately coming back. “Just gonna… go back to sleep now. Sleep my whole birthday away knowing I disappointed all the kids.” 

“Baby… you can rent the slide, and invite them back over, as soon as you feel better. They understand.” Evan buries himself in the covers mumbling something about it not being the same. Tommy tries to not smile, he’d hate for that pout to get aimed directly at him for teasing. He sits with Evan until he falls asleep, then slips out of the room so he doesn’t disturb him. 

His phone vibrates in his pocket; it’s Maddie. “Hey,” Tommy says quietly, moving across the house to the front door and going outside. 

“How is he?” 

“His feelings, or his health?” Tommy snorts. “Because both have been greatly impacted by this cold.” 

“Poor thing,” Maddie says, and Tommy can just picture her face pulling a similar Buckley pout to Evan’s. He walks out to the mailbox, grabs the mail, and the paper from the sidewalk. “Well tell him Jee sends her love and she hopes he gets better soon,” Maddie says… but Tommy is sidetracked. On the front page of the newspaper is an article about a strawberry field… Pick Your Own Berries! FUN For Everyone! The gears in Tommy’s head are starting to turn. 

“Hmm…” he hums out loud. 

“What?” Maddie asks, confused. 

“Hey, do you mind if I take Jee out for a bit… I think I thought of a way to cheer Evan up.”

***

He gathers all the kids, loads them into his truck and heads off to the strawberry field. 

Each kid gets a little basket, and Tommy sends them off. “Pick the best looking ones,” he tells them, taking Jee’s hand and letting her pull him down the row in front of them. She picks the strawberries and holds them up for Tommy to inspect before dropping them into the basket. 

When they are through, all the kids show off what they got. Their mouths red from the ones they ate along the way. 

“Now, we have to be quick, and very quiet!” Tommy says when they arrive back at the house. He goes in first to see if Evan is up wandering; he’s not so he sends the kids into the kitchen with their baskets. Tommy goes to their room, cracks the door and sees Evan still curled up under the covers. Then he goes to the kitchen and helps the kids wash their berries. He gets to work on slicing them, while Christopher and Denny go around the kitchen hunting down the rest of the ingredients Tommy says they need to bake a cake. 

An hour later the timer dings off and as soon as it’s cooled he quickly tops it with some whipped cream, more chopped strawberries, and a single candle they have been reusing as opposed to hurting themselves with buying the number candles. 

They just get it perfect when they hear movement from the bedroom and Tommy puts a finger up to his lips, and the kids all mimic him. Jee giving a little “Shh,” for good measure. The door opens and Evan comes trudging out towards the kitchen. Tommy can hear him sniffing the air. “Babe… what’s that—”

“Happy birthday!” They all scream as he rounds the corner, and Evan nearly topples over jumping from it.

“What the…” 

“Keep your distance,” Tommy instructs. “I don’t wanna return any of them sick… on top of being hyped up on cake.” 

“Cake?” Buck repeats, looking from Tommy to the cake on the counter. “When did you…”

“We made it!” Mara says proudly.

“From scratch!” Denny adds. 

“We picked strawberries!” Jee holds up the one she is currently eating. 

“Do you like it?” Christopher asks. 

Tommy smiles over at Evan, who is already a little misty eyed. “You didn’t have to…” he says. 

“I’m sure that’s not the answer he was looking for, baby…” Tommy teases. 

“I love it!” 

Tommy has to give it to the kids, and himself, the cake is pretty good. They only find a couple pieces of eggshell, and a single strawberry stem, as they devour the majority of the cake. “You feel better?” Jee asks around a mouthful. 

“Much!” Evan smiles at her, then up and Tommy… mouthing a thank you to him.

[bibuckaroo]

sooo… BI! BUCK!

i got to THE episode of all the controversial takes and i honestly think it was a well thought out episode. i’ve heard that this episode is from buck’s point of view and i felt like this episode was purposefully misleading and confusing, so i’m attributing that to the fact that buck himself is confused about what’s going on.

we get his scene with tommy in the beginning of the episode, showing that yeah, he might be interested in him, because why else would he go down to where he works to get a tour? (and i do believe he was attracted to him, 100%, but i also think that what may make him attracted to tommy is the similarities he sees with eddie, since he can’t even go an entire conversation without mentioning him) and then eddie arrives there and there’s a shift in the atmosphere immediately. also important to note, that buck talks about how he’s only dated people he’s met on calls and even mentions the whole first meeting with taylor and the helicopter and tommy himself says that never ends well because they’re always grateful at first, and like, correct me if i’m wrong but buck and tommy met on a call, and the gratefulness can come into play too, since tommy helped rescuing bobby and athena (yk, buck’s pseudo parents) and it’s not far off to say this since buck himself at the end of the episode refers to that and tommy helping them and whatever.

at first, watching the episode some scenes could be explained away with getting to be closer to tommy, him asking eddie incessantly about the vegas trip and wanting every last detail and even with chris, but by the scene in the gym is already pretty clear who he’s jealous of. he’s trying to get eddie’s attention so bad it makes him look stupid, he even orders a basketball to believe delivered to the fire station, for the sole purpose of getting a reaction and when he talks to maddie about this whole thing, he admits that he did all of this to get eddie’s attention and maddie scolds him, because this is not healthy for buck, his insecurities made him hurt someone he loves.

also, tommy was definitely interested in eddie, saw that wasn’t going to pay off, switched gears to buck, because saw how desperate he was (an adjective used on the show itself) and saw he was the easier one to score and even so, he expected buck to realize he was trying to get eddie’s attention.

now onto my boy eddie, he did not deserve this at all!! he said so himself he invited buck multiple times and buck always turned him down!! and then he made a new friend and got hurt in the process, honestly, i would be pissed actually!

finally, about tommy… bringing him back was a decision and i’m not saying that it was a good one, i do not like him, he left with a sour taste in my mouth and this episode did not put him in a better light for me. he was probably interested in eddie and probably knew he had a girlfriend and was trying to woo him anyway. then his whole talk with buck? about him wishing he was part of the 118 like that when he was one of the co-conspirators to make it a living hell before? nah, miss me with that! and nobody talks about it! pisses me off!! also, him saying “evan” was getting on my nerves, heard this was a deliberate choice and that the actor was not allowed to say “buck” which makes me think about the fact that only the people who truly know him call him “buck” and eddie and maddie only called him “evan” in moments they needed to get his attention.

i’m glad about bi!buck, don’t get me wrong, but i wish it was with someone who we liked from the start and would be good for him, i mean him and josh had more development than that!! but anyway, i’ll take my wins with my losses ig.

[tripleaxeldiaz]

I haven't had real free time to write in like 10 months, but now i almost do, and i forgot i was writing this in february and idk if i'll ever finish it so here's what i have of it so far secondary title is "eddie pines harder than a douglas fir"

It happens quickly. That’s what scares Eddie the most.

One minute he’s in his truck, Chris in the backseat, all their worldly possessions secured in the bed, whizzing past a “Welcome to California!” sign in search of something better than what they left in the rearview mirror.

He blinks, and he’s in the locker room of Station 118, fresh out of the academy, being greeted by smiling faces and one blonde haired, blue eyed sneer. 

He blinks again, the sneer has softened into an easy grin, and he and Buck work together like they were built for it, like their lives were always going to bring them to a place where they would be running into smoldering, crumbling buildings side by side. Buck drives him and Chris home after the earthquake, and Eddie struggles to remember the last time anything felt this easy.

Blink

Shannon is back. Any ease he found evaporates, and the walls he built around his feelings for her come crumbling down in her wake.

Blink

He’s in the back of an ambulance feeling her pulse stop under his fingertips.

Blink

He’s off probation, surrounded by friends and family applauding his accomplishment. He’s grinning on the outside, but inside he’s still a mess of grief and guilt. He wants to be as proud of himself as his parents claim they are, wants to stop seeing Shannon on the gurney every time he closes his eyes, wants to be happy, wants peace, wants, wants, wants —

Buck’s laugh erupts from across the room, still loud and free flowing despite the month he’s had, and Eddie wants so hard it almost takes him out at the knees. It’s like time stops, the flurry of actions and emotions constantly trying to engulf him comes to a brief standstill, and as the sound of Buck’s joy washes over him, he feels like he can breathe for the first time in months. Everything seems clearer, Buck’s smile is making the room even brighter, and Eddie thinks he might—

No. It’s too soon. Way too soon.

Isn’t it?

It took him over a year to feel it with Shannon, even though he said he did much earlier. Danny Miller was his best friend for five years before he started feeling that swoop in his stomach that was decidedly beyond friendship. And he and Buck are just friends — best friends, he’d argue, but just friends all the same. Buck has a girlfriend, Eddie just became a widower, and there’s so much going on in his head that everything’s getting shuffled and confused and firing off in all the wrong directions.

Because there’s no way. There’s just no way.

And even if there is a way (which there isn’t), Eddie would rather go through basic training in the sticky heat at Fort Benning all over again than ruin his friendship with Buck. That is something they can build to last, that is what the two of them need the most from each other.

That is something that Eddie cannot screw up.

The other thing, which Eddie refuses to name because there’s just no way, has already shattered his and Chris’s world once. He won’t let those pieces break again.

So he does what he does best — he takes every unnerving, premature feeling he has, squashes it into a box in his head labeled Do No Open Ever for Any Reason and shoves it as far away as he possibly can. Just in time, too, because he blinks one last time and Buck is in front of him, backlit by sunshine like a goddamn angel, whole and safe and alive. His smile is even brighter up close, and Eddie feels himself pulled toward him like second nature, like he really is the sun and Eddie’s helpless to do anything but fall into his orbit until they’re both taken out in a supernova. 

He worries that that box may not be sturdy enough to contain all that light and energy.

He lets himself sink a little further into the hug anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey Dad?”

Chris is squished against his side, the lights from the TV flashing across his face and reflecting in his glasses. Eddie had been a mess of emotions all day, but he’d just about cracked completely when Chris voluntarily left the pinball machine to join Eddie in an armchair and watch The Year Without a Santa Claus like they do every Christmas. It used to be easy — Chris cocooned in his lap, tucked safely under his chin — but this year feels like the first year Eddie’s really noticed how big Chris is, all lanky limbs and hardly any space to put them in an armchair meant for one, not a grown man and a constantly growing boy.

It’s a tight fit now, and Eddie can feel pins and needles start to creep up his arm, but he couldn’t care less. He’ll let every part of his body go numb if it means his kid will want to keep sitting with him.

He shifts a bit, looking down at Chris “Yeah bud?”

“Can we do Christmas here again next year?”

Eddie wraps his arm around Chris a little tighter. “I think we’ll probably be at home next year, but I’m sure we can pop by and visit.”

“Okay,” Chris says, content for barely a minute before he asks, “Will Buck be at home with us too?”

It’s shocking, really, that Chris doesn’t feel how hard Eddie’s heart lurches where his head is laid on his chest. 

And of course, because the universe loves making his life harder, Buck looks up at them from across the loft at that exact moment, a crooked grin to match his crooked Santa hat, and waves before taking his turn at the pool table. Pair that with the wave of gratitude that hits him as Chris waves back, and he feels like he’s in his own damn Christmas movie, mistletoe and twinkle lights and everything.

He is grateful to Buck, though. So grateful he’s worried he’ll never be able to express it properly no matter how hard he tries. And not just for keeping Chris safe, or for wading through water and blood to find him, but for everything he did after too. Dinners brought over or made in their kitchen. Hours of board games and video games. Movie nights with buttery popcorn and every blanket they owned piled up on the couch. It was hard at first — there were days when Chris didn’t want to talk to either of them, where Buck’s smile wouldn’t quite reach his eyes, where all Eddie could hear when he looked at Buck was the crack in his voice when he swore that he tried. 

Eddie knows he tried. He knows he ran himself into the ground trying to bring Chris back to him, and he knows he would do it again with no hesitation if he needed to. 

It all makes Eddie—

—appreciate—

—Buck, more than he ever thought he could—

—appreciate—

—another person. 

And it’s enough to make staticky fear prickle in his chest when he remembers that one day — potentially any day now — Buck will find someone who appreciates him in every way he deserves, and Eddie will get another harsh reminder from the universe that somethings are just not meant for him.

But it’s Christmas, and as both Chris and the Grinch like to remind him, there are no sad faces on Christmas. So for today, he can let himself watch Buck play pool and…appreciate. Appreciate Buck’s biceps that can hit cue balls dead on and wrap Chris in a hug on a particularly bad day, the lean lines of his back carry the weight of so much more than Eddie wants them to, the blush settled high on his cheekbones that looks good enough to—

“Dad. Are you listening to me?”

Eddie does not jump at Chris’ voice.

At least not very high. 

“Sorry, what did you say?”

Chris rolls his eyes so dramatically it makes Eddie want to laugh and cry all at the same time. “I said will Buck be at home with us on Christmas next year?”

The universe once again laughs in his face as Buck bounds towards them, cutting through the loft to greet Maddie and Chim at the top of the stairs. As he passes behind their chair, he squeezes Eddie’s shoulder, fingers brushing along the back of his neck before ruffling Chris’s hair. It’s small and easy, but it turns Eddie to jelly as he pictures a lifetime of warm touches and warmer smiles and a life full of—

Chris waves his hand in front of his face, still waiting for his answer.

Eddie has got to reel in his…appreciation-struck imagination.

“I hope he is, bud,” he says finally, resting his chin on top of Chris’s head and not staring longingly at Buck’s back. “I really hope he is.”

~~~~~~~~~~

It never gets easier, getting shot. It’s not a sensation your body can get used to that will eventually filter to the back of your mind. It’s a miracle that the human body can come out on the other side — if it comes out on the other side — and forget the excruciating, all-consuming pain that is lead ripping through flesh and muscle and bone at 1,700 miles per hour.

Eddie’s already lived through that pain once — he thought he left the chances of it happening again 7,000 miles and a lifetime away.

But here he is, on a sunny L.A. boulevard, his shoulder burning white hot in a way that is somehow familiar and brand new all at the same time.

He hits the ground, and it’s asphalt instead of sand. He looks ahead of him and sees Buck in his civvies instead of Mills in her fatigues.

Nothing makes sense.

Everything hurts.

(to be continued maybe idk)

[chronicowboy]

Natalia texts him four days after Kameron interrupts their date. He has to admit its a shock. He'd kind of just assumed that whatever thing that may have been blooming between them had shrivelled and died. He hadn't been as distraught as he thought he might be, in fact he'd been a little lighter since she walked out.

(Until Eddie had told them about bumping into Marisol at the hardware store, but he doesn't really want to think about that too closely.)

They meet up at a coffee shop because Buck isn't quite sure what to expect, but somehow inviting her back to his apartment feels like a step over the line.

"I'm really sorry," she says as soon as she sits down. "I reacted poorly and I just wanted to get my head on straight before I got back to you again."

"I get it," Buck shrugs, smiles. "I dropped a hell of a lot on you that night. Like all at once. Guess its easier when its just words and not a very pregnant woman on your doorstep."

"Yeah." Natalia laughs, ducking her head. Buck knows she's beautiful, stunning even, but he doesn't feel it. "It was a bit of a shock to say the least." She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and looks up at him. "I was blindsided, I reacted badly, I'm sorry."

Buck bites back the instinctual dismissal on his tongue, hears an echo of Eddie's you don't have to be anything for anyone.

"Thank you for saying that." Its an awkward thing to say, but Buck is getting better at not cutting parts of himself off to fit into other's perception of him.

"Did I blow this?" She grimaces at him, an apologetic thing that makes Buck huff a small laugh. "I feel like I blew it." She bites her lip. "Its just... You know, you spend so much of your life confronting death that you forget to be afraid of it. But the act of creating life," she releases a long exhale, "that's terrifying to me."

"And I get that." Buck nods, but he doesn't. Not really. His job is filled with so much death, life is a luxury, a privilege. Every time they get to help a mother give birth to her child, Buck feels an old wound from a loss on the job heal. The circle of life, Chim would call it.

"I just." Natalia sighs. "This isn't really something you say on like a third date, but I also feel like the whole sperm donor thing wasn't a second date topic, so I'm just gonna say it anyway." She glances over at a couple in the corner, the man wiping foam off their toddler's chin. "I'm not ready for the whole life thing." Buck blinks. "Like kids. I just don't see it happening for me. That's why I reacted the way I did."

"Because Kameron was pregnant?" Buck frowns, heart stuck on her words.

"Because you're a father," she says plainly.

"But I'm not." Buck huffs, scrubs his hands over his trousers. "I'm the donor, not the dad. I'm not really involved. I just gave them my DNA. Sure, I might see the kid from time to time but that's because Connor and Kameron are my friends. Its not because I'm actually that kid's father."

"But..."

"No, Natalia. I am nothing to that child apart from a family friend. That's it." Buck says it and something inside him settles.

"You're sure?"

"Positive." Buck nods. "You want to get a coffee? Try again?"

"Yeah, that'd be nice." She smiles at him, and Buck reaches for his phone just as it buzzes.

christopher: i need your help

christopher: dad's hopeless

Buck snorts down at the texts and shoots an apologetic look up at Natalia as he types out a response.

tell him not to touch anything and i'll come over to help around dinner

"Everything okay?" Natalia quirks an eyebrow at him.

"Oh, yeah, sorry." Buck stuffs his wallet into his pocket as they stand up. "Eddie, um, firefighter Diaz," she nods in recognition, "he's trying to help his son with this big project he has. And Christopher is asking me for help, so I can only assume he's doing an embarrassingly bad job."

christopher: you better hurry, i don't want to fail because dad glued his sliders to the floor

Buck sends a line of emojis he know Chris will get a kick out of decoding before looking up at a silent Natalia. There's something calculating to the slight furrow between her brows that makes his hackles rise.

"And..." She purses her lips. Buck finds himself swallowing in anticipation of whatever she's about to say. "Do you help your co-worker's son with his homework a lot?"

"Eddie's my best friend," Buck clarifies. "Well, no. Christopher is my best friend. But Eddie's a close second. I help out whenever I can." He cuts himself off before he can say anything else, already feeling like he's revealed too much. "Um, w-why?"

"Do you have a picture of him?" she asks. Buck flashes his lockscreen at her, and Natalia smiles sweetly but it looks like she's just figured something out. "He's cute."

"The cutest," Buck murmurs, stealing a quick look at the picture of Chris squirming away from one of Eddie's hugs. "Although he'd probably disown me as a best friend for calling him that now. He's getting too old."

"Buck," Natalia says softly, "I don't think this is going to work out."

"What?" He frowns, figures it would be rude to check his texts when he's being broken up with - if it can even be called a break-up at this point.

"Just the concept of you bringing life into this world was enough to terrify me." She shrugs. "But there's an actual, real life you're shaping and helping to do his homework and looking at like he's the reason you came back from the dead. What am I supposed to do with that?"

"Christopher's not my kid, though." It feels like a lie as he says it, tastes like ash in his mouth the moment he thinks it.

"Isn't he?" Natalia taps his phone screen so that it lights up on that same picture of Christopher. She smiles at him weakly. "It was nice meeting you, Buck. Thanks for giving me some answers about death, I hope you can find the answers in your life."

Natalia leaves him in the coffee shop with a sweep of her hand down his arm, and Buck fumbles with a thousand desires all rising to the surface at once. None of which are a desire to run after her. But there's one, there's one stronger, louder, bigger than all the rest. One that makes him want to run all the way to homework club.

on my way, bud

[buddiesmutslut]

Okay, so I want Buddie to get together before Chris comes home, right? So, they get Chris, spend a few days getting everyone settled back into the swing of things, and then either 1) they don't get a chance to tell him, or 2) they do, and it doesn't go great (which I feel like is something that's going to happen regardless, I need Christopher to be an angsty teen with abandonment issues in 4k)

BUT

Before they can sit down again and figure everything out, they get a call for another wildfire or a crossover or whatever that requires them to leave town for a little bit.

Obviously, Eddie can't go, because he just got Christopher back home and he really doesn't want to leave him again, even temporarily, but Buck has to go because people need help.

Cue Buck & Eddie spending time apart for the first time since they got together, sleeping in different beds hundreds of miles away from the other, and both spiraling a little bit. Eddie because he's worried that Buck is finally getting some time away from him and the mess that he was in Chris' absence and is worried that he doesn't want to keep wading through Eddie's problems,

And Buck because Chris is back now, and what if Eddie doesn't need him anymore? What if he was just a stand-in or a placeholder for Chris, but now his son is back and Eddie is on his own two feet again and what if he doesn't need Buck anymore, and if he doesn't need him, then why would he keep him around?

Extra points if telling Chris doesn't go well so they're trying to figure that out and cell service is spotty and they don't know what the other is thinking because they're so far away and if they were closer, they would just be together and solve the problem, but they're not so they're relying on delayed messages and downed phone lines and a game of phone tag.

And then, obviously, Buck gets home, and they realize they were spiraling over nothing because they've been building a life together for far longer than the few months they've been kissing, and Buck sits and talks with Christopher, and everything is fine.

AND THEN I NEED TIM TO LEAVE THEIR RELATIONSHIP ALONE. No breakups like in a lot of other main couples (Chenford, Booth & Brennan, I'm looking at you guys.) no! None of that! They've suffered enough, give them plot lines without breaking them up.

Give them better arcs with their parents, BRING US EDDIE'S GODDAMN SISTERS and the drama I K N O W is hiding there. Give us Buck focusing on his career (and also maybe slip in an official ADHD diagnosis, what, who said that?) Give us them talking about raising another kid, kill off an obscure family member and a stroll down memory lane (I absolutely do not mean Isabel Diaz, you keep your filthy paws OFF Eddie's abuela, bitches. I love her so so so so much lol).

Give them character arcs that have nothing to do with them possibly breaking up. They deserve storyline's that are more than just about their love interest. Literally, Buck's coming out wasn't even about him, it was all about Tommy and I'm so sick of it. Buck and Eddie are interesting characters! They are M A I N characters, give them better storylines. (Esp Eddie bc genuinely, wtf have you all done to my boy??)

[eddiewithcat]

losing my mind a bit, and need to try and get my thoughts in order BUT!

there is just.. something to be said with this season, and how they constantly like to reaffirm for us buck’s place in christopher’s life.

literally starting off the season with eddie opening up to buck about chris and him dating multiple girls at once, asking buck to talk to him (instead of simply asking him for advice to handle the situation, or even asking his girlfriend who- is a girl and would probably be better in that department! but anyway!).

and then showing us buck’s jealousy of chris thinking tommy is “so cool” (we all know now where that stemmed from, but i am still convinced he was confusing a bunch of feelings at once- and even oliver has said buck had no idea what / who he was jealous about!), and when tommy goes over to talk to buck about the basketball court incident- tommy tells him just how much christopher “can’t shut up” about him. and not to forget buck’s face when he says that and how it lasted a few seconds longer than it probably should have

…. and now; whatever the fuck is going on with helen and ramon coming to visit. my money is on abuela getting / feeling sick after the wedding (hence why eddie is still in the same shirt he wore to the hospital wedding in that still of him and chris that we got- also looks like he possibly could’ve been crying)

i am not super sure what the heck is going on there but i have a silly theory that my friend and i kind of came up with! we do not have strong evidence supporting it btw- this simply just based on what we have seen thus far and how the season has been playing out!

but since eddie will most likely be busy being by his abuela’s side- he would want someone to watch after chris for him. our best guess? buck, of course! it would also explain why he seems to be filming the same time as everyone else involved- and plus it could be the perfect opportunity to bring the ‘will of it all’ into play.

i could see two things going on with this; helena says something in a spur of a moment out burst along the lines of like, “you cannot keep leaving your son with a stranger” and eddie can say something like “he’s not a stranger, he’s family” and that can somehow lead into the will reveal! (because i do see helena being the problem here- people have pointed out many times now that ramon is the only one it seems to be putting in any effort into having a relationship with his son, where as it’s crickets from helena! also she was the first one to be defensive about shannon but anyway!)

OR!

and just a heads up: this is not me bashing tommy at all, i actually do enjoy his character and love what he has done / is doing for buck! this is simply speculation and also just a bit of fun!! no harm in silly theorizing!

i could see tommy perhaps noticing how often buck is watching after chris, and maybe he just brings up something about like, oh hey i thought eddie’s parents were in town… are they not able to watch after him? (in a nice way!! idk how the hell to word things but i do not think he would be a dick about it 😭 like he would just genuinely be asking!) and then somehow that conversation leads to the will and how eddie trusts buck more than anyone etc …

needless to say i just think there is. Something. There. and i have sooooo much hope in the will being brought up. based on how many times they brought it up in interviews, and sort of alluded to in the show as well (“you don’t seem to have trouble committing to certain things” you all know where your mind went!)

anyway that is all. thanks for reading this mess if ya did <3