#because i thought “if they hurt others then they deserve to be hurt too”

[cressidagrey]

It's a Love Story - Chapter 4

Summary:

Azriel's shadows find their master a wife.

Azriel would just really like his heart not to get broken again.

And Sky...well, she's just really surprised that that far too handsome male is interested in her at all.

Warning:

Rhys Bashing (as usual), I classified this as Azriel x OC, even when it't technically Azriel x Sellyn Drake (but we kinda know nothing about Sellyn Drake other than that she writes books so Sky is kinda an OC), Cassian is kinda a good guy for once, Azriel has a horrible time, as usual... Stuttering, toxic families (For once I do not mean the IC), Self-Esteem Issues, Secret Identity, Body Image Issues, Fat Shaming, People being utterly horrible.

If any of this triggers you or makes you uncomfortable, please take care of your own mental health and don't read it.

In that moment, Sky’s brain didn't function. 

She just sat there, staring at the gorgeous, gorgeous male across from her. She couldn’t think. Not when he looked like that. Not when he looked better than any figment her imagination had ever come up with…

He was…the most beautiful male Skylar Alden had ever seen. 

Everything about him was perfection. From his inky black hair, to his high, chiseled cheekbones, to his...his strong broad body that looked like it was just made to be pressed right up against hers. Gods...he looked like he was made from her deepest fantasies. He was...he was…

And then he gave her a slow, soft smile and her breath caught in her throat. 

Cauldron, he was  beautiful. Like every perfect fantasy she had ever had come to life. 

And he smelled even better than he looked, the scent of cedar and mist so mouthwateringly delicious she wanted to lick it straight off his damn skin. How a male could look this sinfully gorgeous and smell just as delicious, she didn't know. And he...he was smiling at her. Smiling at...her.

And she could feel the bond.

She could feel it.

Something…just clicked into place. Something in her chest shifted and it felt right and perfect and she just knew. 

Sky just knew that nobody else would ever come close to compare to him…

This was the male for her. He...he was hers.

Hers.

Her mate. 

Sky was a hopeless romantic. Maybe she needed to be that, so that she was able to write love stories for a living.

She loved love. She loved the whole fairytale, happily ever after fantasy. And looking at the male in front of her, it was like he came straight from the pages of her books.

But things like this didn’t happen to girls like her. She knew that. She knew that so well. She… he wasn’t going to want to…

Sky wasn't attractive enough, not interesting enough. Why would he choose her? Why would this gorgeous, gorgeous thing of beauty want to be with...someone like her?

It wouldn’t make sense. She wasn't...she wasn't anything special. He could do so much better than...than her.

She was so awkward, so plain. He was just...way out of her league.

“What’s wrong?” He asked her. Even his voice was perfect. One hand reached out for her, and she weakly registered the violent scars that covered it. They looked like they must have hurt. And then he seemingly thought better about it. “You…were happy.Now…”

That was the problem. She couldn't stop her stupid thoughts. They just kept on running through her brain, making her feel...feel self-conscious. Insecure. She was...she was just a mess. Always had been.

And she opened her mouth to respond but no word left her lips, her throat closing as she tried to say even a single sounds.

Tears shot in her eyes. Why? Just for one…just for one fucking time Sky didn’t want every word that left her mouth to be a fight.

But it was. And she tried to say a single thing but her body didn’t allow her, and her heart reatcheted up because she knew that she looked like an idiot but…She couldn't move. Couldn't...couldn't do anything but just sit there and cry like the pathetic, stupid mess she was. She didn't deserve him. He was...he was perfect. And Sky was just...useless.

He was just staring at her, looking...worried, probably so confused about why she was being like this. 

Stupid. So stupid. Like she always was. The tears kept falling, and she felt pathetic. So, so pathetic.

Her eyes closed as she fought back a sob, biting her lip so hard she tasted blood. It was...it was too humiliating, being like this in front of him. She probably looked like a total freak. She...she just wished he didn't have to see her like this.

He shouldn't have to see her like this, see her being an absolute mess because she didn't know how to act like a normal person. She could feel him move, and her breath hitched. He...he was probably about to leave. She...she didn't blame him, really. She was an embarrassment.

But then a warm, broad hand was on top of her own trembling fingers, covering her with his own. Her eyes flew open from the shock, her lips parting in surpris, his gorgeous eyes fixed on hers as he gently stroked the back of her hands with his thumb.

“Take a deep breath, love. It’s alright,” he soothed her softly. “It’s alright.”

She could feel her heart flutter as his voice washed over her, warm like a balm over a burn. It just made her want to cry even more, because he...he was being so nice. So gentle with her, even though he probably thought that she was being utterly ridiculous.

“I…I….I am so….so…sorry.” Her stutter was so bad. Clearly at its worst. Worse than it even was when she didn’t have enough sleep.

She felt tears sliding down her cheeks even harder, her vision getting blurry as she tried to avoid his eyes. Her stupid, stupid stutter always got worse when she was upset. Like her brain shut down and she just...lost the ability to form basic sentences.

She tried to calm down, tried to stop crying, but it just kept going. The tears didn't stop, and god, she must've looked completely pathetic.

"I'm s-sorry." she sobbed, her voice a wretched, strangled sound as she tried to stop the shaking that wracked her entire body. She just wanted...she just wanted to be calm. To be normal.

And he had probably even heard Claire. Had probably heard every barbed word her sister had thrown in her direction.

The thought made her want to wail as the tears fell harder, her breathing growing laboured and uneven. He would never want her now. Not after she had embarrassed herself like this. Not after she just...sat here and cried and stuttered like an idiot.

She tried to pull away from his grasp, but he didn't let her, gently taking her hands in his. His fingers felt so warm on hers, and his touch was so, so gentle. It just made the tears fall even harder, an ugly, broken sound wrenching from her throat.

Sky wanted to stop, she wanted to stop crying and being so hysterical, but her stupid, worthless brain wouldn't co-operate.

And then suddenly he enveloped her against a broad chest, strong arms settling sround her. He was hugging her

It was like every fiber of her being froze, her heart nearly stopping as she felt his arms encircle her. It was like...like some kind of dream. He was hugging her, hugging her like she was precious to him, like he...he truly cared about her. After all of Sky’s awkwardness, and stupid, pathetic crying...he still was holding her like this.

“Breath,” he told her softly. “It’s alright. Whatever is wrong, we’ll fix it.”

She took a deep, trembling breath, his scent washing over her. It was like he was everywhere, his arms tight and yet gentle around her, his broad chest pressed against hers, his cedar and mist scent in her nose. It just...it just made the tears fall all the more harder, a small, broken sob wringing itself from her throat.

Of course, his scent was just as amazing as he was. And it made her feel...feel safe. Like nothing could hurt her as long as he was there, like he would protect her from everything and anything. 

She buried her head in his chest, trying to block out the rest of the world as she held onto him so tightly she was sure she was probably hurting him. But still he didn't move, still he let her cling to him as she cried so hard it made her shake.

For once in her life Sky felt delicate in his grasp. She wasn’t thin at all, but against him…she felt small. She felt so safe pressed against him.Secure. Like she could let him hold her forever as she sobbed so hard she was practically convulsing. She knew he probably thought she was being pathetic, but still...but still, he was hugging her.

It was like she couldn't breathe. Her heart was hammering so hard against her ribcage that it hurt to even draw in oxygen, her emotions completely overwhelming her. 

She could feel his fingers running through her brown curls, and the touch just made her cry even harder. She must have looked so awful, so miserable, but he just...he just held her like this. Like she mattered to him, like she wasn't a total, pathetic mess.

And finally���finally Sky managed to calm down.

It took a long while, but eventually, the sobs eased into small, shallow breaths as she curled up against his strong chest. Sky still felt...awful. Like a total idiot. But at least the tears had stopped.

“I….i am sor…sorry.” She managed to bring out.

“There is nothing you need to apologise for,” he told her gently, one hand still delicately rubbing her spine.

“I…I cri…cried all o…over you.”Her voice sounded scratchy and broken from all the crying, and she was so deeply ashamed of it. He probably thought she sounded ridiculous. But she took another deep breath and pressed on, trying to speak through her tears, her stupid stutter still making it hard for her to even form a single word.

He held out a handkerchief for her and she whiled away the tears.

She blinked a few times, staring at the piece of fabric. He...he was giving her something to dry her tears, because she was such a pathetic mess that she had completely soaked the front of his shirt. Shame made heat rise in her cheeks, but she took the handkerchief from him.

She dabbed away at her wet lashes, her voice weak and raspy as she spoke. "T-thank you," she said quietly, still not being able to meet his eyes. She still felt so humiliated, but also so, so grateful that he was still here, that he hadn't left yet.

Sy knew she probably looked completely dreadful, all red-eyed and blotchy from all the crying, her hair mess and tangled from where he had run his fingers through it. 

She wanted to curl up and die from the shame of it all. Of being such a stupid, messy, emotional wreck. She must have looked like such an idiot, but somehow, somehow he was still here. 

"Will you tell me your name?" he asked her softly.

Sky felt her heartbeat quicken as he spoke, as his voice washed over her. Of course. Of course he didn't even know her name. She had been so caught up in her little pity party that she hadn't even introduced herself yet. A fresh wave of tears filled her eyes, but she blinked them away as best as she was able.

"S---Sky," she managed to bring out. She grimaced at her stutter.  "S...Sorry." She didn't dare to try and say anything else. Didn't dare to try an ask him for his name, because otherwise she was going to stutter even more.

"There is absolutely nothing you need to apologise for," he repeated fiercely. "I am Azriel."

His words made something in her heart quicken, her stomach fluttering in a way that it shouldn't. A small, shaky breath left her lips at the sound of his name, and she couldn't help but repeat it to herself quietly in her head. Azriel. His name suited him perfectly.

She looked up at him, finally looking at him properly, only to find that he was looking right back at her, those deep, hazel eyes fixed on her in a way that made her heart stutter in her chest. She probably looked awful, a total wreck, and yet he was still looking at her like that.

She opened her mouth to try and speak, but only a tiny, broken squeak left her lips. So she tried again, forcing the words out from between her lips. "Azriel." His name felt so good on her lips, even if her voice broke on the second syllable, but still, she had managed to say it.

He smiled that beautiful smile of his once more, and the sight of it made her want to cry all over again. How was it that this perfect male was still here, was still looking at her like...like she was something precious? Like she was anything other than a total wreck?! She just...she just wanted to die from the humiliation of it all.

"Tell me what's wrong." It wasn't as much a statement as much as it was an order. "You were happy. And then you just..."

She sniffled, trying to stop herself from crying even more than she already had. It was hard, her eyes blinking as tears continued to well up and fall. "It's..." She took in a raspy, stuttering breath, her lips trembling. "It's ju…ju…st...just me being...being stu…stupid."

"Somehow I find that hard to believe," Azriel responded, his voice flat. "Take a deep breath. And then tell me what's wrong so I can fix this."

She blinked a few times, looking at him. He was so...straightforward. Direct. So commanding, but also so gentle. Like he actually cared. She felt...she felt so, so unworthy of that. She didn't deserve his kindness, not after acting like a complete lunatic. Still, she obeyed, taking a deep, shaky breath before trying to speak.

"You...You de…de…deserve bet…better than…than me," she whispered. Her voice was quiet, little more than a whisper, and she felt her throat thicken as she spoke. It was true, and she...she couldn't believe he was being so gentle with her. Not with how ridiculous she was being.

He stared at. "What."

She looked down, focusing her eyes on her hands that were clutched in her lap. His own hand was still resting gently on the nape of her neck. "I...I am..." She took a deep breath, forcing herself to try to explain. "You...You…you are…you. And I…I am…me.” He was so handsome. And she wasn’t beautiful in the slightest. 

Sky blinked a few times, trying not to start crying even more than she had already done. It was just so...hard. So hard to admit how...how unworthy she was of him. He was amazing, and she was a total mess. 

A complete emotional disaster.

And he was going to realise that one day and leave or cheat on her with her sister and that was going to crush her heart and...

She tried so hard to blink away the tears that welled up in her eyes. She knew...she knew that this was just a temporary thing. That he was only being this kind to her out of pity. He would see how awful she truly was, and he would leave, just like everyone else did.

"Cauldron, Love, they really did a number on you," he breathed.

She sniffled, wiping the tears that fell from her cheeks. She knew that. She knew that she was unloveable. That there was something fundamentally wrong with her. And she hated it. 

"You…you'll cho…ch…choose s…s…somebody el…else and…and I get it b…but it's go…going to h…hurt and..." she croaked out.

"I am not going to choose somebody else," he cut her off. "You are my mate."

She blinked, her heart stuttering in her chest at his words. It felt...it felt like a dream. It didn't feel real. There was no way, just no way in Hell that someone like him was her mate. She was...there was absolutely no universe where she deserved him.

"That means that until you tell me to disappear off the face of this earth, you are stuck with me," he told her softly. "That means, that I will always choose you. I will always be on your side. I will protect you and I will shelter you."

She just stared at him as her heart hammered so hard against her ribcage that she wanted to pass out. Was he....was...was he being serious? Even as broken and awful as she was...how she had just completely fallen apart in front of him....he was still...he was still saying that she was...was his mate? That he would...that he would always choose her? Protect her...shelter her?

Her side...nobody had ever seemingly been on her side.

"I..." She was at a total loss for words. Him...him wanting to...to protect her? To shelter her? It was everything she had ever wanted. But she was so, so terrified that it was all...temporary. That the moment he saw her for all the broken, damaged things that she really was...that he would leave. Everyone always left.

He lifted his hand and she leaned against it as he cupped her cheek, wiping away even more tears. "You are my mate," Azriel repeated softly. "And if I had dared to approach while your sister was still there, I probably would have wrung your sister’s neck for what she said to you."

Sky felt a small, trembling smile begin to curl at her lips. He...he was her mate. She still couldn't believe it, but there it was. He was her mate, and he actually wanted her. Not only did he want her, but he was willing to...to defend her. To protect her. To stand up for her, even against her own sister. It was more than she could ever have asked for, more than she had ever hoped for herself. And the thought...the thought of that nearly made her cry all over again.

"It's…It’s bet…better to just…to just let Cla…Claire get it out of her sys…system and not inter…in…interrupt her," she said weakly. "She runs out of steam eventual…eventually."

"You shouldn't let her speak to you like that," Azriel said softly, his hand still resting gently against her cheek. "You shouldn't have to endure her venom."

She swallowed thickly, her throat tight. She knew that, she knew that she shouldn't let Claire speak to her in such a horrible way, that she should defend herself. But...but it had just never happened. She had always been too caught up in her own head, too afraid of...of doing something wrong. Of making everything worse instead of better. Because it always seemed to end up worse whenever she tried to stand up for herself.

But...but hearing him say it....hearing him tell her that she didn't have to put up with Claire's horrible words...it made something flutter in her chest. Something akin to hope. The thought that maybe....maybe she didn't need to listen to Claire's vicious words, that maybe...maybe she could stand up for herself after all.

"She's the fa…fa…favourite," she said weakly. "Always…s wa..was. The pret…prettier one."

She sniffled, her stomach twisting at the thought of it. Claire had always been the preferred one, the one that everyone adored. And Skye had always been...well, the other one. The one that nobody wanted to be around, the one that everyone was constantly criticizing.

"She's bone deep ugly," Azriel snapped right back. "There is nothing attractive about her at all." She could just stare at him.

She blinked at him, almost in shock at his words. No one ever said things like that about Claire. Everyone was always so busy praising her beauty and her grace and her charm, but never a single one of them would ever say a single negative thing about her. But here was Azriel, outright saying that Claire wasn't attractive at all. It was...it was hard to even wrap her head around.

"You say tha…that now," Sky said weakly.She swallowed thickly, her heart clenching at the very thought of him ever changing his mind. She knew....she knew that it was a very real possibility. He might think her worthy of him now, but as soon as he got to know her....how pathetic and broken and damaged she was. The thought of losing this....losing him...it made her stomach twist painfully.

She sniffled again, wiping tears away from her cheeks, her voice weak and broken. "You won…won't think tha..that..." she whispered. "When you...when you know me more. You'll think I'm path…pathetic, too. Just like Claire does. Just like every…everyone does."

The words felt like acid in her throat, like a knife twisting through her heart. She knew that it was true, that he would think her pathetic, too. He was only being so kind to her now because he didn't really know her yet. Once he got to know her....once he saw all the broken pieces that made her up....he would realize just how unworthy she was of him.

"I think that you spent your whole life being talked to like that, and that no fucking accolade you ever got was something you take seriously." Azriel's words were harsh, and they made her come up short. 

Sky had always thought that maybe...maybe the next time she achieved something her parents would be proud of her. That they would finally tell her that she had done well. But it had never happened. They were never proud of her accomplishments, no matter how good they were. She was never good enough for them, never anything enough for them. They always just...just told her that she needed to do better. That she had the capacity to do better. That it was her fault she hadn't.

And when she had published her first book...she hadn't wanted them to ruin that for her. So she had kept it a secret from them. Then the 2nd. And the 3rd. Book after book after book. People liked what she wrote. People bought her books. And still it felt like...it wasn't real.

No matter how many books she sold, it never felt like it counted. It never felt like she had actually achieved something. And no matter how much money she had in the bank, no matter how well she fed herself or kept a roof over her head, it just...it all felt like it was built on a fragile foundation. Like it could all come falling down around her at any moment, leaving her alone, cold, and broken. 

Just like how this mating bond could seemingly break just at a snap of his fingers.

That feeling only got worse when she thought about the bond between her and Azriel. It was so new, so fragile, and she knew that he could break it if he wanted to. He didn't have to keep it, didn't have to stay by her side. He could just...just walk away and leave her in the dust. The thought made her stomach clench painfully, her eyes stinging with more tears.

"I don't want your sister. I want you," he told her softly. "You are my mate, Sky. Turn me down if you don't want me, but don't do it because you think that I don't want you. Because I do. I have never wanted anything in my life more."

His words made her heart sing, the warmth of them filling her chest to bursting. She...she didn't think she had ever been wanted in her entire life. Her parents had always been so quick to shove her aside, to tell her that she was worthless and a failure. But Azriel....he actually wanted her. He actually saw something worth keeping in her. It was more than she had ever dreamed of, the thought so impossibly perfect that it made her feel like she was going to burst into tears all over again.

Sky just stared at him, unsure of what to say, how to respond to such an open expression of adoration from him. She had never been good at accepting compliments or affection, her automatic response was always to push it away. But here was Azriel, telling her that he wanted her, that she was his mate. And how could she even think about pushing that away? How could she even consider rejecting the best thing that had ever happened to her? It was an impossible thought, one that left her feeling awed and speechless.

So instead of saying anything, Sky simply reached for him, wrapping her arms around him and hugging him tightly, burying her face in his neck. She felt safe here, in his arms, like nothing could hurt her as long as he was holding her close. And in that moment, she felt more than anything that this, this was where she belonged. 

In his arms, with Azriel as her mate. It was everything she had ever wanted, and she was determined to hold onto it as tightly as she possibly could.

"I won't ev..ever turn you down," she whispered. "I was waiting for you for de…decades."

"Decades? Try half a millennia," Azriel responded.

Azriel's words made her heart stutter in her chest, her stomach twisting with butterflies. He...he had waited for her for so long?

All that time, he had been waiting patiently for his mate, and that mate had been her? It was more than she could even wrap her head around. She had always thought that no one would ever want her, that she was destined to be alone, and yet here he was, telling her that he had been waiting for her for centuries.

So Sky just clung to him, her eyes stinging with a fresh wave of tears. She couldn't believe it, couldn't believe that she was actually so important to someone. That she had actually been....been wanted by someone.She felt so unbelievably lucky, and all she wanted to do was hold on to this feeling for as long as possible. This feeling of being loved and wanted and...and worthy.

She sat back, even when she wanted nothing else but to keep being held by him, managing a weak smile. Sky couldn’t help but stare at him, couldn’t help but take in the black hair and dark hazel eyes that glinted green…and then her gaze snagged at the pair of massive, ferocious wings that sprouted from his back.

“You are Il…Illyrian?” she asked, surprise colouring her voice.

She didn't know why she was so surprised. Maybe because because there weren’t a lot of illyrians that lived in Velaris…maybe because he really didn’t seem to match the picture that most books she had read about them and their culture painted about them. 

His wings were… magnificent. Azriel’s wings were so massive, so huge and powerful, and they seemed to span an impossible distance even when  he had them folded carefulyl against his back. 

“What gave it away?” He quipped, though the ere was a grimace on his face. “I am not…whatever you may have heard…”

She flinched slightly, feeling a small pang of guilt at her reaction to his wings. She knew that Illyrians had a reputation for being brutal and ruthless, but she hadn't meant to make Azriel feel uncomfortable or ashamed of his heritage. 

"I am sor…sorry," she said sheepishly. “I was…just su…surprised. There aren’t a lot of Il…Illyrians around Velaris. I've never seen wings like yours before, j…just read about them. They're beautiful."

She looked up at him, hoping that he could see the sincerity in her gaze. She didn't want him to feel like she was judging him based on his species, or that she was scared of him just because he was Illyrian or a lesser Fae. 

“I…I got some River Nymph blood some…somewhere down the line,” she told him.”It’s the family s…scandal.”

He chuckled at that, even as he mustered her.“Your eyes,” he realised aloud, and she nodded

She blushed slightly, her heart leaping at the thought of him noticing such a small detail about her. To know that he had taken the time to observe her eyes, to notice the faint turquoise hue that came from the bit of River Nymph blood flowing through her veins, regardless of how diluted it was…It made her feel like he truly saw her, not just the broken, damaged parts of her, but everything that made her who she was.

“Gre…Great grandma from my dads s..side,” she explained. “I was the only one who got the eyes…and the bendy bones.” She had always been seen as the odd one in her family. The outcast. Growing up, it had been hard to know where she fit in. Her parents had always been so focused on her brother and her sister, on their achievements and successes, and she had always felt like she was just...there. Just existing in the background, never quite good enough to be noticed or noticed for all the wrong reasons.

“Tell me more,” Azriel requested softly, reaching out to hold her hand again.

“More of what?” she wondered, blushing slightly. 

“More about you. I want to know everything.”

Her heart skipped a beat at his request. He...he wanted to know more about her? He actually wanted to listen to her, to hear what she had to say? The thought was almost enough to make her cry all over again. No one had ever asked her about herself before, no one had ever expressed an interest in her life or her thoughts. She had always been the one listening to others, never the one being listened to…especially not with her stutter. 

”I am not that interes…interesting,” Sky said weakly.She had always been self-conscious about what she liked and didn't like, always been afraid that others would judge her for her preferences. Even the thought of telling Azriel what she enjoyed doing for fun made her feel nervous and unsure. She didn't want him to think she was boring or uninteresting, and yet...and yet she also wanted to be honest with him. She wanted him to know who she really was, even if that meant showing all her quirks and flaws.

“I write boo…books for a..for a living,” Sky told him “R…Romance novels. And I have a cat named Hector that’s …that’s ador…adorable.”

Azriel grinned at her. “I can’t wait to meet him.” She blushed at that thought. 

She had always been nervous about talking to people, about opening up and letting them know who she was, but with Azriel...it felt different. It felt right.

“What…What do you do?” Sky wondered quietly.

“I work for the High Lord,” Azriel answered. “I…gather intelligence, I guess you could say.”

"Intelligence?" she asked curiously. She had never heard of anyone who did something like that before. It sounded like a dangerous job, one that required a lot of skill and training. Azriel nodded, his expression serious. 

"Yes. I gather information about...about threats to our court. About the dangers that lurk in the world around us."

She shivered slightly at the thought of some of the dangers that Azriel had to face on a regular basis. On the things that he was confronted with every single way…He was doing what was necessary to protect their people from harm. SHe knew that it must took a lot of courage and determination to do a job like that, and she couldn’t help but feel a wave of respect for him.

Sky took a deep breath, "Is it....is it danger…dangerous? Gathering all that…all that information?" She asked nervously. "I…I mean, do…do you ev…ever...get hurt?"

Azriel's expression darkened, and he hesitated for a moment before answering. "Sometimes," he admitted. "There are always risks involved in what I do. I have been injured before, but I have also been very lucky. I have survived so far."

She shivered at the thought of him being hurt, of him being in danger. Sky couldn't bear the thought of him being harmed, of him being in pain. She wanted to protect him, to keep him safe from all the horrors of the world. It was a feeling she had never experienced before, this overwhelming need to protect someone else. But with Azriel, she felt it with every fiber of her being. She would do anything to keep him safe, to make sure he never got hurt again.

Sky took his hand in hers, gripping it tightly. "Please…Please be careful," she whispered, her eyes full of fear and worry. "I…I don't want an…anything to happen to you." I don't want to lose you. The words were unspoken, but she knew that he could hear them in her voice, in the way her fingers trembled against his.

“I am careful,” he promised her seriously. “Besides, I am not exactly on my own,” he told her seriously.

She raised an eyebrow, curiosity getting the better of her. "You…You're not on…on your own?" she asked, surprised. "Who…Who do you work with then?"

A moment later…she got her answer in the form of wreathing shadows, that welled up behind him.

For a moment Sky could just blink. 

Then: “You are a shadowsinger?!” She breathed in wonder. 

She had read about it, of course…when she had a whole phase of thinking how cool it would be if she had some kind of special powers. Sadly, there never had any manifested. No shadows for her…or mind reading either. 

Azriel chuckled softly at her reaction. "Yes," he said simply. "It's a useful skill in my line of work."

She stared at him in awe. She had read stories of the fabled shadowsingers, of their ability to control shadows and use them to do their bidding. But she had never actually met one before. They were…stupidly rare.” But clearly Azriel was one. 

“Do…Do they…talk to you?” She asked him curiously.

Azriel nodded, a smile tugging at his lips. "Yes, they do," he said. "They have their own personality and quirks, and I can communicate with them in a way that no one else can. It's a unique connection, one that I…I have grown to cherish."

They were important to him.

So Sky did the only polite thing. “It’s…nice to meet you.” She greeted them, holding out a hand. 

Azriel's shadows seemed to pause for a moment, as if taken aback by her greeting. Then they swirled around her, brushing against her skin in a gesture of introduction. 

She couldn't help but smile at the sensation of the shadows brushing against her skin, their touch neither hot nor cold. They seemed almost sentient, like they had a mind of their own. It was both strange and fascinating at the same time. "Do you have…a name?" she asked curiously.

Azriel chuckled. "No, they don’t have a name. It's just...the shadows."

She nodded in understanding. They did seem…weirdly alive. And they were so responsive to Azriel's commands, so attuned to his needs and desires, that it was hard not to think of them as a separate entity in their own right.

But still…as she wiggled her fingers and the shadows wove between them, she couldn’t help but wonder…

"What...what d…do you wan..want from me?" Sky asked him softly. What did he want? What did he expect? 

Azriel's expression softened, and he reached out to cup her cheek gently in his hand. "I want...I want whatever you are willing to give me," he said quietly. "I want to be there for you, to support you and protect you. I want to make you happy, to make you feel loved and cherished. And I want...I want to be your mate, if you'll have me."

Sky bit her lip, leaning into his touch. "I…I want that t…too," she admitted quietly. "And I really want a family one day. I want kids," she told him. 

"I want that too," he said softly, his voice full of warmth and love. "I want everything with you, Sky. All of it."

She couldn't help but smile at that admission. Hearing him say that He wanted the same thing, hearing him say that He wanted to build a future with her...it was like a dream come true. And then Skylar Alden who had always overthought everything in her life, made this one decision: "Then take me home."

[aurorawritestoescape]

HIS STAR || Joel Miller x f!reader || 2,7k

Summary: Joel and you met a few years ago, being aspiring musicians, and fell in love. Now you’re a rising star while Joel is struggling with his career. One night you come to his place and share big news.

Tw: 18+ mdni, smut, ANGST, fluff, unspecified age gap, Joel’s pov, unprotected piv (wrap it up), creampie, heartbreak, alcohol consumption, swearing. Pics are only for the mood. Reader wears a dress.

A/n: this is written for @the-orange-tabby-cat ‘s writing challenge (my ask is here). I hope you all will like the story. I’m sending everyone who’s been hurting this week a warm hug and lots of love🫂❤️ Kisses to @milla-frenchy for beta-ing😘 Dividers by @saradika-graphics 💕

MASTERLIST

You waltz into his apartment late at night and Joel’s dim living room seems not that dim, his sad life not that sad. Because you are finally here.

Before you came, it was quiet here, still and dull, and now you're twirling around like a shiny twister, wearing your expensive dress, dropping glitter on his faded carpet. You turn the lights on, place the take out you brought on the coffee table and pour him a glass of his favorite whiskey.

Joel's sitting on his worn out couch, watching you with a warm smile, while you're chirping with excitement, telling him about everything at once— the people you've met, the songs you've written, the places you've visited. It seems like he has grown into his old apartment while you're taking over the city, the country, the whole world.

It’s ok. He’s happy for you. Truly.

You can’t come often, only once or twice a month if he’s lucky, your busy schedule be damned, but every time you visit, Joel’s heart overflows with happiness. More often than here he sees you on billboards, beautiful and happy, your face smiles at him from the t-shirts of teenagers, passing him by on the street. You’re always on his mind and in his heart. Always were and always will be.

You both dreamed of becoming professional singers. He met you at one of his gigs in a small bar in Texas. You were too young for him, too beautiful, too talented. But at that time, years ago, he still loved himself and foolishly thought that he deserved you. You fell for each other fast and hard and started climbing that steep mountain together.

You came into his life when he was about to quit the chase but your drive, your passion and talent gave him a second wind. You wrote songs together, lying naked in bed after mind-blowing sex, sang them at the top of your lungs on road trips to various music festivals, supported each other every step of the way. He kissed salty tears off your face after every failure, celebrated with you when you succeeded, which started happening more and more often. His demos were collecting dust on the shelves while your career skyrocketed. Joel kept holding your hand until the moment he realized that he was looking up at you while you were standing on top of the mountain you both had dreamed about, too high for him to reach.

At first envy would squeeze his heart with its freezing hand - he wished to be standing there with you. But terrified of losing you, of ruining your relationship because of that ugly feeling, he taught himself to quiet the nagging voice inside his head and to be happy for you, to feel joy, witnessing your success, even from afar.

After some time it became apparent to him that he was too average, one of many. You were different. One in a million. A star. His star.

Joel continued singing in small clubs, he still needed music like air, but hope for something bigger, brighter was slowly dying in his heart.

Now you’re in his arms, on his lap, tired and slightly cold.

“These tiny dresses of yours— fuckin’ useless— gonna get sick like that,” Joel grumbles under his breath, covering you both with a throw blanket, and you immediately melt against him. Your scent is different every time you visit, he’s enveloped in something sweet and flowery today, but the taste of your lips is the same. Always. They’re intoxicating, soft and desperate. Your hands are eager to touch him, your body pressed tightly to his.

”I miss you,“ you mumble and your tongue slides over his lower lip. His heart sings when a shiver runs over your whole body. You want him. You can have anyone you want and you still choose him every time. He doesn’t know why but he’s grateful for each moment he gets to spend with you, holding you. Fucking you.

“Joel—need you,” you whine and deepen the kiss. Hungry and long-awaited, it soon morphs into a scorching fire, burning you both. A whimper falling from your lips sounds almost pained.

“Yes, baby, yes—jus’ a second,” Joel murmurs and swiftly lifts you so you could straddle him. With trembling fingers you pull down the waistband of his sweatpants and take his cock out. Your panties pulled to the side, you sink on his hardening cock, without preparation, without foreplay. The desire is too strong. Joel is swelling bigger and harder inside your core as soon as your wet walls welcome him, so warm and tight around his manhood.

“Missed you, baby.”

“Yes—yes—missed you— so—so— much,“ you echo him, your words falling with the same rhythm as you move yourself up and down on his lap, bouncing on his length. Then you kiss every inch of his handsome face— his chapped lips, his scruffy cheeks, every wrinkle and every mole which you could draw by heart.

His hands leave your waist and slither down to take your dress off. In a moment you’re naked in his arms, you, the subject of desire of so many people is right in front of him, just a kiss away. And he kisses you, your neck, your collarbone, your bouncing breasts. He licks at your nipples, sucks each tit into his mouth and you sing only for him, your most intimate song.

Joel’s t-shirt rides up and he feels how wet you’re for him as your folds and clit are rubbing against his lower belly. You’re chasing your pleasure feverishly and he already feels how your little pussy starts pulsating around his big cock.

“Come for me, my love.”

His gruff voice in your ear sends a signal to your brain and the sound you love the most pushes you over the edge. You’re crying and shaking, coming all over his stiffness, always so sensitive to the ecstasy he gives you, and he lets you soak him, both with your tears and you cum.

“Yes—yeah, sweetheart— ride it out— c’mon.” He’s lifting you up and down with his strong hands, wishing to give you more moments of euphoria as you tremble and whimper in his arms and soon he explodes inside you with a groan that rings loudly in his quiet apartment. He presses you tight against his chest but without leaving any marks on your soft skin, skin that millions of people could see tomorrow. He’s nuzzling the crease of your neck while his cock is pumping you full of his warm seed.

You’re leaning against Joel’s chest now, still straddling him, his member slowly softening inside you. Your eyes close by themselves, lulled by his heavy breathing, but you drive the sleep away. You need to tell him something, to ask him.

You slide off his lap, feeling your thighs getting wetter, and pull him to lie down with you on the couch. Joel tucks his cock back into the sweatpants and throws the blanket over you two. You face him and your eyes lock. Your mouth opens but then closes again.

“What is it, baby? Tell me.”

He always reads you like a book. You seem anxious.

After clearing your throat you whisper,

“I’m going on a world tour.”

Joel is quiet for a few seconds until he grabs you and hugs you. His chest is rumbling with a joyous laugh and you giggle when he squeezes you too tight and kisses the crown of your head, your forehead, your mouth. You melt into him again, feeling his smile on your lips.

When he parts from you, his eyes are glossy and warm.

”Your first world tour! I’m so damn proud of you, my love!”

You can’t help but tear up, seeing him genuinely happy, and you kiss him again and then murmur a shaky “thank you.”

“Joel. I wanted to ask you—,” you’re looking at his chest now, eyes averted, your sweaty palms placed over his heart, ”I’m gonna be traveling for a whole year… and... I wanted to ask… Will you go with me?”

Joel’s eyes are darting between yours. You look sleepy, tired and gorgeous. He pulls you close to his chest and embraces you.

“Let’s talk in the mornin’, baby. You need rest.”

You look at him for a few moments, your eyes piercing and then ask with a half smile, “Could you sing for me?”

With you lying in his arms, Joel starts softly singing your favourite song, the one he wrote for you, one of dozens he wrote for you.

He keeps singing when your breath gets deep and slow and you’re purring like a little kitten, your head on his biceps, and Joel can’t stop looking at you, can’t stop singing to you until his voice breaks, his eyes sting, and he holds his breath, scared to wake you up with a sob, crawling up his throat.

Here it is. Joel always knew that the time would come. The time when something big would happen, and he would have to do the right thing. Would have to let you go.

He takes a deep breath again and again, trying to calm himself down. He blinks the tears away and feels them on his cheeks. Your face is blurry in his eyes at first but he keeps watching you sleep, memorizing your every feature, as if there’s any chance he’s ever going to forget them. Your image is carved into his heart forever.

It’s not like you two haven’t talked about it before— why you come to him only at night, why you need to be extra careful not to be seen by paparazzi.

It’s still hard to accept for the both of you that Joel is your secret. Your label doesn’t want him around you and Joel understands it. He’s been trying to make it in this business for too long not to know how things work. It hurts but it’s the reality.

And the reality is making him stomp on his heart and break yours.

In your sleep you snuggle even closer to him and with your forehead against his heart he drifts off too. As always he dreams of you.

A few hours pass before you wake him up, stirring in his embrace. Your smiling face welcomes him when he opens his eyes.

“Morning, Joel.”

The dust of mascara on your cheeks, your hair disheveled, you look angelic in the soft glow of the early morning sun peeking through the drapes. Joel’s breath hitches for a second, your beauty overwhelms him, until the pain hits him right in the chest. He has to tell you.

You get up and, after putting on his flannel, pad to the bathroom. When you return, Joel’s sitting up and you take your favorite spot, you get on his lap. Your soft kisses caress his scruffy cheeks until you search for his eyes.

“So—about the tour— what do you say?” you ask, giving him a little smile, your eyes full of hope. Joel feels his heart beating fast and loud. He knows you feel it too, your warm hand is resting on his chest. He takes it, brings it to his mouth and kisses your palm.

“I can’t, baby.”

In your gaze he sees that you knew what he was going to say. You don’t look shocked, but you look crushed.

”Wh—why not?”

Still on his lap, you start hastily telling him why he should go, that it’s going to be fun, that it’s another opportunity for his career, and he lets you tell him all that, he doesn’t interrupt you.

“I can’t do this alone, Joel. I’m scared,” you mumble at the end, looking tired after your pitch, and press your forehead to his chest. Joel hugs you and starts rubbing your flannel-covered back with his hands.

“Remember what your team told you? I’m not good for your image. An old loser like me.”

You break his embrace and sit up, your gaze fiery, your chest heaving.

“You’re not, Joel! I don’t give a fuck what they say. I love you and — ” your voice breaks as tears start flowing down your cheeks.

You slide off his lap and sit next to him, crying. Joel wants to grab you, kiss your lips, comfort you, but he knows it’ll make it harder. For the both of you. His gruff voice is a little shaky when he talks.

“I shouldn’t go. You must understand why. And it’s gonna be ok. You’re a fuckin’ star! Now go and show it to the world.”

You turn your head to him, your wet face twisted with sadness, as you mumble through sobs,

“I—I can’t spend— a whole —year without you”.

“Baby—,” Joel takes a deep breath before ripping the band aid off. ”—I’m movin’ back to Texas”.

You turn to him on the couch.

“What?! Why?!”

Because he sees your face everywhere he goes. It would hurt too much. After this. After today.

So he lies. But only partially.

“Los Angeles isn’t for me. I hate it. Everything here reminds me that I failed.” He raises his hand when you open your mouth, ready to argue. “I’ve tried, sweetheart. You know I have. But it’s not in the stars. Tommy offered me a job. Contractin’. That’s what I’m gonna do for a start, then we’ll see.”

You drop your head and sit quietly for a few moments. Joel swallows loudly, his stomach twisted with nerves. It feels like he’s going to be sick.

When you look up at him again, your brows are furrowed, eyes reddened.

“What about us?”

He takes a deep breath and shakes his head.

“I’m too old and you have a whole life ahead of you. Long, successful, happy life. I won’t hold you back. I love you too much to do it. You don’t need me.”

“Doesn’t sound like you love me,” you hiss at him, your pain turning to anger quickly.

You jump off the couch and grab your dress off the floor after almost ripping his flannel off your body.

“I can’t believe you’re breaking up with me!” you exclaim, standing in front of him, getting dressed, while he’s looking up at you with a pained expression.

“You’re telling me you love me but then you say all this shit?! You won’t even fight for us! For me!”

“But I’m doin’ it for you!” He hates to shout but it’s hard to control his emotions as they’re ripping his heart to shreds.

“Then why do I feel like you’re killing me right now?!” You take a small step towards him, your hand reaching for his. “We can see the world together—wake up together every morning and—“

Joel gets up and holds you by the shoulders, trying to make you listen.

“Stop lyin’ to yourself! Go live your life! Quit returnin’ to me! I’m your past and you still come here jus’ because you’re scared of the future! We had fun together, baby, but now it’s over!”

You shake your head in disbelief, your mouth agape, and then you angrily swat his hands away.

“Fuck you, Joel!”

These are the last words you tell him before storming out. The last words you ever tell him.

He still hears you crying in the hall when he shuts the door behind you. His forehead pressed to the wood, eyes closed, he listens and feels like everything good in his life is leaving with you. He hears the elevator ding and then nothing.

His apartment is quiet again until a loud wail shutters the silence. Joel knows that he’s done the right thing. Then why does it feel like he’s dying?

Thank you for reading! Comments and reblogs are greatly appreciated!<3

MASTERLIST || more angst - Always and Forever

Tag list: @milla-frenchy @harriedandharassed @iamasaddie @nervousmumbling @bbyanarchist @stevie75 @puduvallee @auteurdelabre @mountainsandmayhem @senoratess @flamingochick55 @theoraekenslover @schnarfer @mermaidgirl30 @staywildflowahchild @yesjazzywazzylove-blog @evolnoomym @keylimebeag @joelmillerisapunk @pascaltesfaye @fruityreads @itwasntimethatdidit40

[larry-is-my-anchor1]

He is going to not give himself what he wants. He’s not even going to admit it because he thinks he doesn’t deserve anything. He’s choosing not to look at things deeper. My heart hurts for Eddie. He’s such a good person. He stayed by Shannon figuratively by enlisting because she was the first park he thought he was in love with. I believe he very much loved her and had such remorse. But he was so going he did not know how to be a partner or a parent. He didn’t know how to be a parent he thought because of his father. He did not know how to be a part at again because of his father. But actually I very much think it’s because of both of his parents. It’s like they’re trying to do a do over with Christopher. Like look we put too much on Eddie’s shoulders and he crumbled. So now let’s make it so much worse by taking Christopher. Let’s take away his child also. Because apparently he can’t take care of anything. Which is such utter bullshit. Eddie is a stand up human being. He’s shown this repeatedly. He’s always put his son’s needs and others needs before himself. And now he’s just punishing himself. He doesn’t deserve the bad he’s been putting himself through. . He deserves good things.

have spent this ENTIRE season so far wondering WHY they didn't have eddie go back to therapy, but after that clip i have fully realized WHY. or at least part of why:

eddie diaz is punishing himself.

he KNOWS therapy would help, he's seen firsthand that it does, but he does not think he deserves that help this time. he does not think he deserves someone to empathize with him and to encourage him to be gentle with himself and to unpack what really happened and how it wasn't eddies fault and how he wasn't completely entirely in the wrong like he is so adamant about believing about himself. eddie is SO determined to make himself hurt even HALF the amount chris felt in the aftermath.

so instead of taking the logical route and getting back into therapy, he goes — months after the fact too — to church. to confession. to a place he has not believed in in YEARS, DECADES EVEN.

its S O O O. eddie diaz PLEASE.

[his-angell]

"You deserve better than that." (s.cb)

plot; Innocence and inexperience is something a man can easily take advantage of. When (y/n) starts dating a man older than her, Her brothers get protective. They see how awful he is to her, and they know they need to get her away from him. paring; fem!9th!member!reader x bestfriend!Seo Changbin genre; angst, comfort, tad fluffy if you squint word count; 2.3k warnings; reader gets her inexperience taken advantage of, shes dating a mean older guy, arguments (but nothing too serious), cursing, protective Stray Kids, 3rd pov request?; yes! request found here!

When (y/n) started dating an older man, she saw no issues in it. He was kind, caring. He bought her gifts and took care of her. Min-Jun was a good guy. In her eyes at least. Her overprotective older brothers saw straight through his lies. He was using (y/n). He only needed a pretty arm piece. He didn't actually care about her. He was just bored and needed something to do.

Recently, he had been acting a little weird.. So have her members. She saw it. She didn't like any of it. She sat in the living room, Hyunjin, Felix and Chan scattered around. Minho was cooking lunch in the kitchen, The others were in their rooms or at the dining table. (y/n) was kinda zoned out as she listened to her members laugh and talk.

But she spoke up, needing to get rid of the gnawing feeling that something was wrong. "Guys, did something happen?" She spoke up. Felix was the first to look over, confused. "What do you mean?" He hummed, sitting up more to face her better. "You guys are acting really weird recently. Especially when Min-Juns here." She took a deep breath.

Chan immediately rolled his eyes and threw his head back. He ran a hand over his face. God, he hated that guy. The dude was such a faker. He didn't understand how (y/n) didn't see it. He was tired of trying to hide his hatred for the guy. Especially since he was hurting (y/n). He couldn't let himself lie to her anymore. "(y/n).." He mumbled. Hyunjin and Felix shared a glance. They knew how much Chan despised their maknaes boyfriend. They looked down, opting to stay quiet and let Chan talk.

"He's not good for you, (y/n)." Chan finally said it. (y/n)'s blood went cold. "What?" She laughed in disbelief. What was he talking about? "I said he's not good for you! He's using you, (y/n). Why can't you see that?" Chan sat up. (y/n)'s eye twitched. She blinked at the older man before she stood up. "Don't walk away from me, (y/n).." Chan sighed. "No! I'm not gonna sit here and listen to you shit talk my boyfriend just because you don't like him!" She turned to him.

"I don't like him because he's using you! Are you not listening?" Chan backed himself up. "Bullshit." (y/n) grumbled. She turned to walk to her room, but the members were all there now. Poking into the room curiously. She made a face. "What? You guys gonna tell me he's bad too?" She snapped. "Yeah, actually-" Changbin pipped up. But before he could actually speak, the woman groaned and stormed off, slamming her bedroom door.

(y/n) laid down on her bed and huffed. She covered her face with her hands. She was starting to have doubts now.. They were just trying to get her to break up with him because they didn't like him! Min-Jun was a good guy! He took care of her! He bought her stuff! He was a good boyfriend! Well.. Was he?..

Sitting up on her bed, she wondered if maybe- Just maybe they were onto something. Maybe he wasn't as great as she thought?.. She was quick to pull out her phone. She went to her text messages with him. He did seem more dry than usual.. But he was busy! That's what he said! He said he was busy with work stuff!

(y/n) groaned in frustration. She texted him.. "Hi, my love! Do you wanna come over tonight for dinner?" She stared at the message. And stared.. And stared. It wasn't till five minutes later, when she was about ready to say never mind when he responded. "Cant. Going to the bar with some coworkers. Tomorrow night?" Oh. Again? That's fine! It's fine! They've been working on a big project, they deserve a night out. "Alright! See you tomorrow! <3!" She expected a smile emoji. Maybe a 'Can't wait to see you~' But no.. She got nothing. Read at 4:25pm.

She was a little hurt. But she didn't think anything of it. He said he was busy. So, she would brush it off like she did every other time. The poor girl was so innocent and inexperienced. She texted the group chat that Min-Jun would be there for dinner tomorrow before she decided to just go to bed. Going to bed at 4:30? Yes, because she wasn't in the mood to stay up anymore. She didn't wanna deal with Chan anymore. Or any of them for that matter.

That next day wasn't much better. The members were grumpy. For good reason though. (y/n) hadn't necessarily talked to them about Min-Jun coming over, she just assumed they'd be fine with it. But they got over it. Correction- some of them got over it. Chan, Changbin and Minho were still reasonably upset. Minho again was in the kitchen cooking, (y/n) was in there helping.

She was waiting for Min-Jun to show up. She really needed to see him. She needed to know that all the things Chan said weren't true. She needed to be held and told that he really did love her. She rushed to the door when there was a knock. She smiled as she opened it. "Hi," She smiled. "Hey." Min-Jun said flatly, flashing a smile before walking past her and slipping off his shoes. "Smells good." He said. (y/n) blinked. She pursed her lips, a little upset she didn't get a kiss.

"Ah, yeah! Me and Minho were-" She didn't even get to finish before Min-Jun shot her a bored look. She nodded softly. She had learned to shut up when he told her too. She didn't wanna make him upset. Changbin saw this. He squinted. He took a deep breath. "Min-Jun. Been a while." He hummed. "Yeah. Works been a hassle." Min-Jun answered shortly as he sat himself down at the table.

Hell, the guy didn't even try to act like he cared anymore. He knew he had (y/n) wrapped around his finger tight enough, that any change in his behavior would be brushed off. Or she just kept quiet about it, not wanting to make him angry or annoyed. The air was so thick you wouldn't even be able to get the knife in it to even cut it..

It was all small talk before dinner was set out. Everyone ate quietly. Chan and Changbin shared a look.. They members had definitely talked about something without (y/n) present. (y/n) cleared her throat. "When is your guys' next schedule? You've seemed to be slacking recently," Min-Jun spoke up, leaning back in his chair. "We aren't slacking." Seungmin huffed, almost offended by his wording. "Min, that's not what he meant." (y/n) defended. "Mm.. Debatable." Min-Jun took a bite of his food.

(y/n) blinked at the comment. "Yikes." She mumbled. Changbin finally set his utensils down. "I think you should go, Min-Jun." He said seriously. Min-Jun blinked. "Sorry?" He laughed. "I didn't do anything!" He scoffed. "Don't act stupid, I said you should go." Changbin repeated. He never acted like this. He usually had at least a little bit of patience. What the Hell was his problem? Min-Jun. Min-Jun was his problem. "Changbin, stop-" (y/n) grumbled.

"No! (y/n), i'm done with this guy!" Changbin was furious. "He's using you! We all see it!" Changbin finally said. He didn't even care about the stupid comment about them slacking. He was pissed about the fact that Min-Jun sat here and did this to their girl, thinking they wouldn't see it! Did he think they were stupid?! Min-Jun rolled his eyes. "Everyone sees it but you, (y/n)!" Changbin added. (y/n) stared. She took a deep breath. She slowly turned to look at Min-Jun who just leaned back in his chair. He rolled his eyes and sucked his teeth. "I'm not doing this." He scoffed and stood up. (y/n) was quick to follow him to the door.

This was definitely not how this was supposed to go. Not at all in fact. But then again, she couldn't just let him leave. Not now. She needed to figure out what the hell was going on? If maybe her members warnings were right. "Don't you dare open the door." She growled. "Are.. Are they right?" She asked.

Min-Jun sighed and shook his head. "I said I'm not doing this, (y/n)." He growled. "Bullshit! Are you using me or not!?" (y/n)'s voice cracked as she slapped his chest. She was frustrated. "What the hell?" Min-Jun glared down at the shorter woman. Her members stayed in the dining room.. Chan and Changbin were standing, ready to run out there and beat his ass if he laid even a finger on her.

"You've been acting really weird recently, and I'm sick of it." (y/n) said in a lower tone. "What's wrong? Please i-" She reached for his hand, but Min-Jun pulled away. "We're done, (y/n)." He spat. It felt like her whole world crumbled. "Wha-What?" She choked. "I said we're done." Min-Jun scoffed. "I never loved you. I honestly just wanted an arm piece to show off to my parents." He admitted. That was only half of it.. You could only imagine what he had been doing behind her back.

Everyone heard it. The boys' faces varied from sympathetic looks to ones of pure hatred and anger. "But.. But you- The gifts.. And the cards?" (y/n) tried to understand. "Yeah, to make you stay longer. I couldn't have you catching on too soon." Min-Jun shrugged. He patted her head. "Thanks for the time with you, doll," He pinched her chin lightly. It was more of a mocking thank you than anything else. It wasn't till the door clicked shut that (y/n) choked on a sob.

Chan went to rush to her side, but Changbin was quicker. "Hey, hey, jagi," He pulled her into his chest. His voice and expression was so much softer than it had been moments ago. (y/n) sobbed and gripped onto her best friend. She felt like she had just been ripped apart. She felt so fucking stupid! She felt humiliated! Changbin hushed her and rubbed her back.

He scooped her up and walked to her room. He gently sat on her bed, cradling her to his chest. "(y/n) breathe." He said. (y/n) whined at him, coughing from how hard she was crying. "(y/n), you're going to give yourself a panic attack, breathe." Changbin sat her up and faced her to look at him. "Yo-You guys were right i-" She sobbed. "I'm so stupid-!" She hiccupped. Changbin shook his head. "No. No you're not stupid, (y/n). You didn't know." He gently wiped her tears with his thumbs.

(y/n) shook her head. "But you guys told me! You tried so-so many times to warn me, and I ignored you!" She whined. "But that's okay! It takes a mistake to learn something, alright?" Changbin hummed. "We're not mad at you. We just want you safe and happy." He said. "Plus, he was a little weird anyways.." He made a face. That did get a little giggle out of (y/n). She sniffled and wiped her face. "Yeah.. He was a little more than weird." She huffed.

"Listen, name one good gift this guy got you!" Changbin leaned back, already in the shit talking position. "You told him your favorite flowers were tulips and lilys, this guy got you one single sunflower," He rolled his eyes. "That one time he got me a card and it was a mothers day card. He hadn't even written anything in it." (y/n) sniffled as she messed with her hands. "He wasn't good for you, jagi." Changbin tilted his head at her slightly.

"You deserve so much better than that." He said softly. "Next time you decide to date someone, me and Channie Hyung are doing a full background check on that guy." He grinned. (y/n) laughed softly and shook her head. "I think I'm done with men for a good while." She hummed. Changbin squinted. "Besides you guys, duh." She rolled her eyes.

Changbin hummed and gently pulled her back into his arms and laid down. He pet her hair. "I'll make sure nobody ever hurts you like that again, (y/n)." He whispered into her hair. "Thank you, Bin.. For looking out for me." She hushed. "I'll always look out for you, my jagi." He kissed her head. (y/n) was so emotionally exhausted.. She closed her eyes and cuddled into Changbins side.

She relished in the comfort of his arms and the sound of his heartbeat. She opened her mouth to thank him once more but a soft snore made her pause. She sat up slightly, looking at his sleeping face. Did he just...? She guessed he was tired too. He had been up a while, since he had his morning workout. He guessed being angry didn't help at all either. She hummed before she cuddled back into him. She didn't take much longer to follow him to sleep.

The next day, she would apologize to the others.. She would apologize for bringing him over without really asking. Or backing up his snarky, mean comments towards them. She felt awful for how blind she had been. But none of them were mad at her. Chan agreed with Changbin, that to learn from a mistake, you have to make one.

Felix and Hyunjin had even bought her some of her favorite snacks and such to comfort her. Hyunjin even bought her a bouquet of her favorite flowers.. Tulips and Lilys.. Not a sunflower. God, she loved them so much. She was glad to have her older brothers there to comfort and protect her. She didn't need a stupid boyfriend as long as she had her best friends.. 

...

horrayyy!! i finally got to this request! i'm so so sorry it took so long again. I did accidently slide a little out of the plot, but i hope you still like it! muah muah!! have a good day/nightt! stay safee!

all writing rights are reserved to @his-angell do not repost or translate my work without my permission. reblogs are appreciated.

[dexastres]

anchor

jude bellingham x black reader

summary : jude calls his ex in the middle of the night because he can’t sleep

warnings : angst

wc : 777

english isn't my language, so please bear with me

2:00 A.M.

Jude lay in bed, restless, unable to escape his thoughts. Just like the night outside, his mind was clouded, each thought lost in shadow and silence. Sleepless nights had become commonplace for the young man because he was afraid to close his eyes, even for a second, knowing that this nightmare would come. It was always the same. It was haunting and ruining his hours of rest with images of her, wrapped in someone else’s arms. But this nightmare reflected his reality. Whether he was awake or asleep, Jude couldn’t escape it. He was tied to this reality. They went hand in hand.

He sighed and turned to the empty side of his bed, where she used to sleep. Four months had passed since their breakup, and her scent had faded from the pillow, a painful reminder of her absence. She was gone. She was no longer his, and she was happy with another guy. She no longer needed Jude in her life. She had found something better, away from the cameras, the rumours and the lies.

The young man sat on his bed, his eyes devoid of any emotion. Jude had seen this scenario happen before, but this time, he wasn’t crying. He used to hold back his tears, but now, whenever the feeling came over him, he would let them flow freely quietly, so his mother wouldn’t hear. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispered. Jude regretted not fighting for her, for their relationship and for their friendship. The pain and hurt were unbearable, thinking about how he let her go so easily, and now he was paying the price.

“Why did I do that?”

His trembling hand reached for his phone. He scrolled through his messages. The latest were from his friends and teammates, asking if he was feeling better, since he looked tired during today’s training session.

“Yes, I’m fine.” He whispered again, rolling his eyes. The young man ignored them because he didn’t know what to say, other than to lie.

Jude sighed deeply and scrolled a little further before clicking on her contact. His heart clenched as he read their last messages before everything fell apart. He typed the words he wished he had told her back then, although he doubted she would read his messages. She had moved on and left him behind, lost in the memories of what they once shared.

“I’m sorry.”

“You deserve so much better. I regret everything.”

“I love you.” Jude took a deep breath. He knew better, but he didn’t care. Was he being selfish? Yes, but the temptation was too strong. He needed to hear her voice, even if it was from her voicemail. The young man brought the phone to his ear, feeling a knot in his stomach, and his throat dry.

“This is a terrible idea,” he thought, and just as he was about to hang up, he heard her tired voice.

“Hello?” Jude froze, holding his breath. He couldn’t believe she answered. “Hello?” she asked again. Jude opened his mouth, but no words came out. A storm of emotions rose within him.

“Hi,” he finally said in a barely audible voice.

“Jude? Why are you calling me at two in the morning?” he could sense the irritation in her voice, but he couldn’t blame her for it. She had every reason to resent him. “We haven’t talked in four months, and you’re suddenly calling me in the middle of the night. What’s wrong with you?”

“Oh, sorry, I must have called the wrong person. That wasn’t my intention.” It was a lie, but he couldn’t let her know the truth. He didn’t want her to know how lost and miserable he was without her. He didn’t want her to know that he spent his days thinking of her, wishing he could go back and undo everything.

“So, um… how are you? I saw your pictures with your boyfriend. You look good together. Congratulations.” He tried to keep his voice steady, but it didn’t seem to work. She could hear the pain.

Jude felt the tears well up, and this time, he silently let them flow down his cheeks. He was so tired of fighting when he had lost the battle long ago.

“Jude? Are you crying?” she asked softly. The young man wiped his tears before ending the call.

2:45 A.M.

Jude lay back on his bed, feeling emptier than ever, like a black hole expanding. Tears continued to flow like a torrent while his phone kept vibrating on his bedside table.

“In case you’re wondering, I’m not with him anymore.”

[jifloulette]

Hello I'd like to request something with Bachira from blue lock. Probably school au please also have a good day ＼(^^)／

-🪷

❀ — 𝗘𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴'𝘀 𝗴𝗼𝗻𝗻𝗮 𝗯𝗲 𝗼𝗸𝗮𝘆, 𝗮𝗹𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁. || b. meguru x gn! reader

genre ; fluff, comfort (tiniest smidge of angst too)

synopsis ; you were always there for Meguru when he was at his lowest. always comforting him, telling him that he was doing great and that you will never stop loving him. it isn't any different when it's you that needs his light to shine your way through the hardest of times.

word count ; 0.9k

warnings ; academic pressure, a bit of angst during y/n's rant,

author's note ; THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR REQUESTINGGGGG!!! i love meguru so much, he is so fine and he deserves so much more love and appreciation!!! i hope you enjoyed what i made, anon. i hope this is school au enough for you huhu, thought of this because exam seasons are next next week. thank you sosososo much again for requesting!!

You were Meguru's first.

His first friend, his first love, his first everything.

You were always there when he needed you most. Whenever he lost a match, failed a really important test, or if he just felt sad. You were there to motivate him to keep going, to go outside with a smile plastered on his face. You knew the words to say and the actions to do whenever he felt downhearted, maybe that's why he loved you so so much. He always kept to himself that he would return the favor to you, two times greater.

And there it was, the time when you needed him.

It was just right before exam season started, the two of you had been drowning yourselves in your studies, not even having time to spend with each other. It made you sad, it made Meguru even sadder because what do you mean you wouldn't be able to cuddle with him? To give him forehead kisses? To whisper sweet nothings in his ear? And as the good boyfriend he is, he obviously needed to check up on you.

He checked your room first, wondering if you were still studying, you weren't there. He thought, "oh, maybe they're in the kitchen, getting snacks! It wouldn't hurt to take a break!", you weren't there either. He was starting to worry, so he checked outside. "Y/n? Baby, where are you?", you weren't there either. Now he was really worried, what if something happened to you? You wouldn't leave without telling him, right? Only then did he hear your sniffles that you oh so desperately tried to hide, but he knew you better than anyone else, he knew where you were now.

He checked your guys' shared bathroom and there you were, his prized possession, his love, crying on the bathroom floor. His instincts immediately went and hugged you as tight as he thought would be comfortable for you. "Baby, oh baby, what's wrong? Why're ya crying? Did something happen?", Meguru asked. You could only nod, still having some tears flow down your eyes. He wiped off your tears and helped you up, going to the living room so that you could sit down on something comfortable. "Lemme just get some water for you, 'kay?", the boy told you before going to the kitchen.

Once he got back to give you the cup of water, you had stopped crying, but your nose was puffy, and you were sniffling. "Are ya ready to talk about what happened, love?", he questioned. "Yes Megu.", you answered. You took your time with what was going on in your head recently, Meguru didn't mind at all. "I...I've been getting stressed lately a..and I've been wondering if I'll ever be good enough to get good grades and if I'll ever study at my dream university..I-i don't know what to do anymore..", your voice broke at the last part and you couldn't help it anymore, you cried into Meguru's arms, staining his sweater but he didn't mind it at all. "I see.. baby, I know ya better than anyone, and I know for a fact that yer gonna pass those exams, hell, yer gonna ace it! You're such a hardworking and persistent person, y/n.. I know yer gonna get what you deserve!" the two-toned haired boy in front of you reminded, "I just feel like as if I have this image of myself that I have to keep up for others, and if I do something wrong, it'll ruin my future..", you replied, "Baby, you don't need to put up this image for anyone, I know you like the back of my hand, yer' gonna have such a bright future ahead of you, the two of us will. Everything's gonna be okay, alright?", Meguru stated and god, were you so glad to have him.

"Do you wanna have short break with me, ynnie..?", he asked. You nodded in response, a small smile starting to grow on your face. As the most unpredictable person you know, he picked you up bridal style all the way to the two of yours' shared bedroom and put you down gently, you were flustered with his sudden action but oh were you so relieved, studying nonstop was so draining but just by being with your boyfriend made all your worries disappear as if they never existed. "Oh, I missed your touch so so much, baby! Thank you for takin' a break from studying with me, even if it's short", Meguru remarked, giving you a kiss shortly after. "Thank Megu for being there for me just right now, I don't know what I could've done without you..", you answered back.

When the day of the most dreaded exams finally arrived, you weren't worried anymore going inside the school campus. You weren't scared that you'd fail or get a low score, instead you were confident that you were going to ace those exams, even more so now that your own significant other said so.

Getting your notebook out of your schoolbag to review just a bit more before the test actually started, there was a small post-it note peeking out of it. "Hey, sweet love honeybunch baby! Let's crush these exams together, eh? I know for sure you're going to, just dunno bout' me hehe!", the note said with a few hearts drawn around it. You cringed a bit at the nickname, but you knew he was just trying to uplift you, so you let it slide.

Whenever Meguru was down, you would always be there to motivate him and whenever you were the down one, you now knew that Meguru would always be there. You were definitely going to ace these exams, for you and for Meguru.

©🇯​​🇮​​🇫​​🇱​​🇴​​🇺​​🇱​​🇪​​🇹​​🇹​​🇪​, do not steal, translate, or repost any of my writings anywhere else.

[xtarmanderx]

I didn’t sleep last night after the episode. I stayed up, I wrote a fic, and then I just existed in my thoughts for a while. I am exhausted and feel paper thin right now.

Fun fact. I haven’t cried in over a year.

I don’t know why, but I haven’t had the full on sobbing breakdown that I’ve desperately needed this last year. It’s like my body refuses to release the tension. This morning though? I finally let some of it out in a couple of sobs. This was the breaking point after a horrible week.

I am well aware this is a fictional relationship and there was always the risk of them breaking up.

But this was the first thing that brought me unquestionable and unrelenting joy in the last 6 months. The 6 months prior to that? I tried no less than 4 times to take my own life in varying ways. I took steps to make sure that was no longer something I wanted to do, but I feel hollow right now. So yes. Today I am hurting and grieving a loss because I feel like I lost a part of myself, too. A part I had only just gotten back and intimately begun to know. I feel robbed right now the same way so many other people do.

But I’m not going to just let go of them. This pair brought me immense joy and brought so much good into my life. I fully intend to keep writing them and engaging in the community that still exists.

We all deserve so much better. Just like Lou.

[louisferrignojr]

i don't know if i have the energy to write this into a full fic but i want to write something from tommy's pov and i got this idea that could work as a prequel to the fix it fic i already wrote but basically

chimney shows up at his house with a six pack and tommy opens the door and wordlessly steps aside to let him in

of course chimney is there because he heard about the break up and he wants to offer tommy a shoulder to cry on because he knows tommy is hurting just as much as buck is, and buck has his sister and his best friend and his makeshift father figure, but tommy doesn't really have any close friends; a lot of surface-level friendships with the people he hangs out with, and he's good with his coworkers but harbor station isn't like the 118. he also knows it's only been a few days and the wound is still so fresh, and when tommy doesn't show signs of opening up, chimney does.

he wasn't going to share the news of the pregnancy, they aren't telling people yet because it's too soon, and he didn't think it was a good time to flaunt his joy so to speak, but it works as a segue to a conversation about his relationship with maddie, everything they've been through - tommy doesn't know the half of it, because while they've seen each other a lot more often in the past six months, they haven't had a chance to hang out one-on-one and dig deep. he tells tommy about all of it, from the beginning, how they met and how they started dating, the first surprise pregnancy, the separation, the engagement, all of it. and everything he's learned these past few years, all the ways he's grown as a person since tommy's transfer.

and he tells tommy about the buckleys of it all, how maddie is the one who runs and buck is the one who gets left behind. he sees the way tommy's expression shifts when he hears that, and he says, "yeah, you fucked up big time, buddy." because it's the truth, and because tommy hurt his brother, after all, and chimney's always going to have his back.

and finally tommy cracks and admits how much he's been struggling, second guessing himself, part of him knowing it was self-sabotage and part of him justifying the decision with all the logical reasons it was the right thing to do, but he never thought about how it would have affected evan, and now he's beating himself up over it, because he'd been selfish and impulsive and cowardly, and he wishes he could have stayed and talked it through instead of running.

in the end chimney tells him it's not too late, and he deserves a second chance, and he bets anything buck is willing to give him that. tommy replays their conversation in his mind the next day as he's driving to evan's loft to pick up his things. end scene.

[moonlitwitchdaisy]

i’ll tell you the truth, but never goodbye

✰ warnings: +18 Minors Do Not Interact +18 (sorcerer suguru geto x non-sorcerer fem reader, manga and anime spoilers, angst, dead bodies, blood, regrets, mentioning of depression)

✰ a little note: it was something i had written before. since i’m in an angsty mood lately, i wanted to edit and share it. i hope you like it.

September 2007

Suguru Geto’s Family House

ᯓ★ ᯓ★ ᯓ★ ᯓ★

Deciding what is right and wrong has never been easy. Some powerful people choose to kill the weak for a better life. Because, after a certain point, dealing with their incompetence is nothing but a waste of time. The weak, who can’t even help themselves, ruin not only their own lives but cause the strong to lose themselves as well.

I was not weak. I never was.

Being born lucky wasn’t my choice. My mother and father couldn’t have known either.

Until recently, I believed that Jujutsu sorcerers lived to protect regular humans. But all of that was nothing more than a fucking lie.

Monkeys should disappear. Only then could sorcerers like me live in peace. Special people like us don’t need to waste our time protecting monkeys who do nothing but create trouble.

This is my truth. I don’t give a damn what others think. I was never able to laugh in this world. At least in the world I’ll create, I want to be happy.

“Suguru… what have you done?”

Standing in front of my father’s corpse, I turned toward the only voice in the world that could calm me.

I never wanted her to see this.

“Don’t look at me like an idiot, Suguru! I’m asking what the fuck you’ve done.” She spoke to me, her eyes filling with tears, and she was visibly furious.

God, I love her face so much.

When I looked back at my father’s corpse and then at her again, I didn’t know what to say. God, I hated this. Explaining what I had done was difficult while she looked at me that way.

I never wanted her to see me like this. I didn’t want to pull her into my darkness as I drowned in it. I knew she had seen and understood everything. She hadn’t left my side, not even for a moment, while I was depressed. But she didn’t deserve this.

“What do you want me to explain?”

She furrowed her brows as if she couldn’t believe what I was saying. “GET A GRIP, SUGURU! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO… TO YOUR FAMILY?”

Because they are nothing but monkeys standing in the way of the world I want to create.

Except for you. You could never be like them.

“They are not my family.”

As if her legs couldn’t support her body anymore, she collapsed to the ground. With eyes red from crying, she looked at the lifeless bodies of my parents lying on the floor.

“How… how can you say that? They loved you so-”

“DON’T YOU DARE FINISH THAT SENTENCE!”

“WHAT? DID IT BOTHER YOU THAT THEY LOVED YOU, GETO?”

I walked over to her, grabbing her arms and pulling her up. I pushed her body against the nearest wall, looking at her with a fury I’d never shown before. She, on the other hand, watched me with disappointment.

“Of course I know.” I replied calmly, as if all my anger had vanished. “Do you think it was easy to see the love in their eyes for me while I killed them? But they aren’t like me. Love can’t surpass everything.”

“I’m not like you either.”

No, you’re not, but I don’t care. I could never hurt you.

“And I… I love you too.” She closed her eyes and continued speaking. “I’ve known you since I was ten, Suguru. You were always the person I dreamed of.”

You’re that person for me too.

“I knew you were different. Not because of your special powers. You were the person with the most beautiful heart I had ever known, Suguru. That’s what made you special.”

I wanted to die. I wanted to shatter into millions of pieces at that moment so I wouldn’t have to hear these truths spoken by the girl I loved.

“Do you remember the day I confessed to you? We were on the balcony of this house. Just the two of us. I thought it was the perfect time to tell you everything inside me.”

Yes, I remember. I still remember every detail, from the blue dress you wore to the messy bun you had in your hair.

You were beautiful. You always are.

Still with her eyes closed, as if afraid to look at my face, she continued speaking, “God, I was trembling with excitement. I was so curious about what you’d say. You were always kind and caring toward me, but I didn’t know if you wanted something more.”

I did. I do. I’ve loved you since I saw you when I was ten.

“When I clumsily told you everything I felt, I couldn’t even look at your face.” She laughed after her words. “I was so sure you’d reject me. But you didn’t. Instead, you pulled me close and hugged me. Then you whispered in my ear that you loved me.”

Yes. That’s what I did. In that moment, I was the happiest person in the world. Every time I tell you I love you, I’m the happiest person in the world.

Finally, she opened her eyes and looked at me with a genuine smile. I couldn’t stand it any longer. I wanted to destroy anything that made her sad and make her smile again. But it was me who made her cry. Damn it, I was the one who caused the person I loved most to cry. And no matter what I did, I would never be able to fix that.

“I can’t believe it’s been three years since that day. I’ve loved you since I was ten, but it took me four more years to finally tell you. But I didn’t care.”

Please, stop.

“I didn’t care about your special powers. Or the millions of girls who wanted you. I still don’t.”

Please. Enough.

“When you were depressed, I did everything I could. Even when you tried to push me away, I… I insisted on staying by your side. I knew you were struggling.”

“Please stop…”

She didn’t stop. “I told you everything would pass, that you’d smile again like before, because that’s what should happen. You would be with Satoru and Shoko. You’d protect people like me, people who have no power. And—”

“Stop—”

“You’d be with me.” She looked at me with tearful eyes again. “Damn it… we’d be happy together. We’d go to see the northern lights we always wanted to see. You’d buy me that ring you promised. We’d have a family.”

“I still want that—”

“HOW CAN YOU STILL WANT THAT?” She began shouting. “HOW CAN YOU LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND SAY YOU STILL WANT THESE THINGS, SUGURU? WHEN YOU’VE FUCKED EVERYTHING UP? WHEN YOU’VE BECOME A MERCILESS KILLER?”

“I don’t know. It’s just that the part of me that’s still good wants to live the life you described.”

“STUPID, STUPID, STUPID,” she kept hitting my chest with her fists, cursing me with every word. I deserved every blow for each moment I hurt her. I wanted to be better for her. I wanted to be the man she deserved. I should have shown up as the man she once knew and fixed everything.

But I couldn’t.

With my hands pressed against the wall on either side of her, I cupped her face and did what I had longed to do.

Her lips were still so soft. Kissing her felt like a drug. Even if I knew it would eventually kill me, I still wanted her.

I was a damn addict. I was addicted to everything about her. And I never intended to break free.

I kissed her as if I knew I’d never see her again. Her fists stopped hitting me. This time, she clutched my white shirt tightly, pulling me closer as if she wanted me even nearer.

There wasn’t a single moment when I wanted to be away from her.

Breaking the kiss, I rested my forehead against hers. I don’t know how long we stayed like that. Silently crying without saying a word.

She was the one who finally broke the silence. “Are you going to kill me too?”

She could have said anything to me. Called me a coward or someone who didn’t understand love. No words could have hurt more than what she just asked.

I let out a small laugh. “Kill you? Shit, maybe I should, but I can’t. Do you know why?”

She didn’t say anything, just looked at me with heartbroken eyes.

“Because I can’t imagine a life without you. Even if I never see you again, just knowing you’re alive is enough for me to keep going.”

“Weren’t you the one who just said love can’t surpass everything?” She spoke with a bittersweet smile.

“Yes, but you… you’re different. When it comes to you, everything stops.”

Still smiling, she wiped away my tears with her fingers, placing kisses on my cheeks.

“I know you love me, Suguru, but there’s no going back from here. You made your choice.”

Yes, I did. I wish some things could have been different.

“Do you know what’s worse? I still love the new version of you and I don’t think I could ever stop loving you.”

Please, don’t. Because no matter what, I won’t stop either.

She held the hands that caressed her cheeks, lowering them so I’d let go. I knew she was going to leave. Staying with me would only make things worse. Her soft lips, her warm body and her beautiful laugh were gone.

In truth, they’d been gone for a long time.

“I hope you find happiness in the new world you create, Suguru. All I wish is for you to smile again, like before.” She placed one final kiss on my lips and started walking toward the door of the house where I’d killed my family. When she turned back to look at me once more, she said, “Maybe we’ll meet in another life, right?”

My freshly dried tears began to roll down my cheeks again. “I’ll find you in every life, my love. I just hope that in the next one, I’ll be the man you deserve.”

She didn’t respond to my words. She only smiled, and then walked out the door.

After she left, my eyes drifted once more to my parents’ lifeless bodies, lying in a pool of blood.

There was no turning back from the path I had chosen. The only thing left to do was to try and find a way to smile once in the new world I wanted to create for sorcerers.

all rights belong to the @moonlitwitchdaisy do not copy, reproduce, or translate my work.

suguru art in the cover made by @reynisxxsimart

[timeskip]

I have Thoughts about how the idea of "calling someone's name" in chimera ant arc ties together with Killua witnessing Gon transformed, at the end of the arc. And this is especially important for my personal POV that Gon didn't actually survive because he saw Killua there, the way I've seen some people say (though I do think this POV has merit too). It was a hopeless, tragic situation, and Killua couldn't do anything to stop it because Gon went alone :')

The concept of names is SO important to all of CAA, especially with how the ants form their identities, but it appears related to Gon and Killua too!! Killua calling out to Gon when he was transformed was such an important moment, because he's trying to save him the only way he knows how!!! And the fact that Gon RECOGNIZES that Killua is there and tries to reassure him but still continues to destroy himself is important too, because while Gon is being called for, he still keeps fighting Pitou! It's all Gon thinks he can do in his current state! It's an exemplification of how tragic CAA is for both of them, that Gon can never be saved until after it's over,,

Back to calling Gon's name; first, Killua talks about the importance of calling Gon's name in chapter 294:

"That's my one condition! Let him know you're okay. He was so worried about you, up to the minute we came in here. Give him some peace of mind. Please, put his mind as ease. Only you, Palm, can do that now. Nobody else can reach him. Not me..."

Killua really does believe that just by calling his name, Palm would be able to help Gon. Palm, not him. That the act of knowing she's okay would be a relief that could help Gon in a way Killua was completely unable to, because to Gon, Killua wasn't involved in this--pushing Killua away in order to take on Pitou alone--and Palm IS, because she went missing. But this perspective that Killua has isn't true! Killua is important to Gon, and Palm tells him this!!!

But Killua is horrified at this because he doesn't know how to save Gon!!!

It's such a vital moment. Killua desperately WANTS to be needed, to be someone Gon relies on. And Gon has already pushed him away, so Killua thinks that even if Gon needs him the most, Killua wouldn't be able to do anything--not even as simple as calling Gon's name.

Either way, though--Killua thinks that calling Gon's name is important, whether or not Palm's presence would help. After all this, Gon is spiraling so hard and he goes with Pitou alone, and kills Pitou alone, which is what Killua was afraid of--he wanted to be needed, and he's being faced with Gon leaving, which makes Killua powerless to do anything for Gon's sake (unlike what Palm is telling him). Even when Pouf tells him what's going on, all he can do is try to make it in time.

And then in 307, when Killua finds Gon:

For Killua, this is him checking that it IS Gon, because... this Gon looks ENTIRELY unlike the Gon Killua knows. And in return, Gon calls Killua's name. He acknowledges Killua's presence.

Gon knows Killua is there. They've both called each other's names now, they both know each other is there, and Gon knows that Killua is watching him not just kill Pitou as Pitou's puppeted corpse goes after him again, but also expend all his power and life in order to do it. We KNOW what Gon is going through, the guilt he feels, and all the pain he's finally unleashing on Pitou, as his sole object of revenge. He'd already chosen to give up all of himself by this point, and I... don't believe there's any way to go back on a nen contract like that. He's using all of himself, one way or another.

Even though he knows this is the end, Gon is telling Killua that he's happy. That it's not hurting him. He's trying to comfort Killua, or he's just so numb he doesn't understand what he's doing to himself. Either way, he's HAPPY that he can be like Kite, losing an arm before he dies, because this is the self punishment he feels he deserves, and he doesn't realize how much pain he's causing Killua. Gon is fully aware of what he's doing and he knows that Killua is watching him, but it's impossible to stop the self destruction he's started.

In a way, I think Killua was right. He can't reach Gon now, or at least he stopped being able to after Gon made his nen contract. He wasn't able to save Gon during the palace invasion, because Gon WOULD'VE died if not for Nanika.

But at the same time, I think Palm is also right. She wouldn't have been able to do anything for Gon just by telling him that she's okay, because this is so much bigger than her, and bigger than just knowing that Palm or Killua are okay when Gon isn't; Gon needs someone like Killua, someone who's able to call his name and help him come back to himself. Gon wants Killua to live, even if he's unable to accept Killua's help.

This is a tragedy, after all :')

I'd be willing to argue that it's Killua watching Gon which allows KILLUA to choose to live, the opposite of Gon looking at Killua and deciding to live. Killua had been planning to commit suicide with Gon, to make sure Gon isn't alone, but seeing Gon like this and desperately yelling at him to STOP, because if he keeps going he's going to lose his entire life, and watching Gon turn back and look at him tearfully... Killua wasn't prepared to witness that. And I think it must have changed his mind from thinking it would be fine if he died, as long as it was useful to Gon, to him wanting Gon to apologize. Obviously it isn't healthy, but it was a change that needed to happen. Killua needed to choose to live and save Gon, instead of sacrificing himself for Gon's sake!!!

And then offscreen somewhere, Killua finds Gon barely alive. When Killua first saw transformed Gon, Gon had called KILLUA'S name, bringing Killua back to his senses and making him realize what he needed to save. After all, isn't Gon the same as Palm? He showed up, looking like that, and Killua was terrified. And Gon needed to call his name.

They're BOTH the one each other need the most, even if they couldn't save each other!!

But I do think Killua is helpless to do anything even up to the moment Gon's jajanken explodes. After all, Gon saw that Killua was there and still kept fighting Pitou's body with his full strength, not even relying on Killua, reassuring Killua that he was okay (like saying that Killua didn't need to be involved) after Killua pushed him out of the way of Pitou's attack (which Gon was fully going to take!!! He was fully going to die if Killua hadn't saved him!!!). His self punishment didn't have anything to do with Killua, but Killua watched it anyway.

And that is of course part of why Killua is so upset after the arc!! Because he's finally starting to realize that he's been putting so much of himself on the idea of being "needed" by Gon, but he can't live like that anymore. He needs Gon to apologize for running ahead without him and being someone Killua couldn't save until after it had already happened.

Anyways I love the ways that the arc builds into the tragedy throughout the whole thing, it's so good <3

[lasandra]

Super Massive End Game Veilguard Spoilers Under the Cut!

Seriously. If you haven't finished playing Veilguard, DO. NOT. READ. So I finished DA:tV and I have been really trying to sort out my thoughts... And well...

Sdlkajshdfklajhsdfklajhsdflkjahsdklfjhaskldfjhaskldfhj I CAN'T!!! My dudes I am SO conflicted!!! Solas is the only character I have ever come across that I both love to pieces and want the best for him but I also want to beat him until he is a puddle of bruised yolk and cracked shells. This dude KILLED VARRIC FOR REALSIES! I am not okay with that. My Hawke's GOING to hunt him down when she finds out. If the Tevinter Magisters can get into the Black City then dammit so can she. And when she does, I am not sure even Lavellan can save him. Amelia (My Hawke) has lost so many of her friends/family/loved ones she can't handle this anymore. He also killed God's gift to elves Felassan. It's been over a decade since I read The Masked Empire but I don't remember there being a great reason other than him being upset that Felassan failed. Dude has GOT to stop killing his friends lol. Especially the hot ones. Like. Come on. As if that wasn't enough, he manipulated Rook. I love my first Rook (Carwyn de Riva) so much that I am STRUGGLING to play another playthrough with any of the other Rooks I had planned. To see that he manipulated her with blood magic... Stopped her from being able to mourn Varric with the others properly.... AND tricked her into that prison??? He didn't think she'd be able to get out. Luckily she had plot armor because if she hadn't gotten out I would find a way into Thedas to rip him apart myself. *Aggressive breathing noises* I feel very normal about this, obviously. Seriously though, guys, I came THIIIIIIIS close to tricking him with the fake dagger even knowing that Lanaya (my Lavellan) wouldn't have gotten her happy ending. JUST so I could see the LOOK on his face when he realized ROOK outplayed him at his own game! At the SAME time however... The idea of sending him into the Black City alone... hurts me lol! I don't want him to suffer. Dude has suffered a lot and honestly, I'm not entirely sure his being a friend-murdering ass is *entirely his fault... The longer I sit with everything, the more certain I am that Solas didn't really have a choice. Seems very much like he was sort of bound to the will of Mythal. Maybe I've missed something, I'm not as lore-savvy as I once was. But in the end when Mythal tells Solas that she releases him from her service and only THEN (NOT when Lavellan BEGS him to stop) is he willing to do the right thing? I don't know. It just reminded me SO much of his personal quest in Inquisition where his Wisdom Spirit friend had been bound and twisted against its purpose. If it works anything like what we saw in Inquisition with whoever drank from the Well of Sorrows, who's to say when something was him vs the will of Mythal? It could be a bit of a stretch but, there's certainly room for that interpretation, I think. And if that's the case, then he doesn't deserve the hell that awaits him. It's also the only interpretation I can really accept Lanaya still wanting to be with him. Varric was her friend too. While forgiveness is something I give freely, I cannot imagine reconciling with a man who did what Solas did without him having been essentially forced into doing it. *Sighs deeply* I saw the different versions of his endgame images... Shit man. The only way this man gets a happy ending is with Lavellan. Dude looks so miserable and gloomy in all the other endings. Moire (Trevelyan) was Solas' friend. She wouldn't want to send him off to be alone in such a terrible place. That would seriously eat at her. (Rook wouldn't care. Her give a damn was busted after he betrayed her for the twenty-billionth time.) It can never be anything but a complete and utter rollercoaster with this man! I do think that the ending I got with him was as good as it possibly could have been though, given everything. Sorry for this really poorly written rant. I needed to get this out of my system and it's almost 3am lol.

[bougiebutchbitch]

I saw so many of your OFMD rbs today that it reignited my OFMD/izzy/steddyhands hyper fixation lol. Not that I’m upset abt it!! What r ur fav headcanons abt them?

jgfhfjf I was on a roll this morning! I like the idea that Izzy survived, but it was covered up by the crew (and Izzy!) to get Izzy away from Ed and Stede. Frenchie, Jim, Fang and Archie were still very wary of Ed, for obvious reasons. Plus, everyone was worried about their unicorn and thought he deserved better than to be the eternal third wheel!

So Stede and Ed legitimately grieve him, and bury a 'body' (actually a mop with two coconuts attached to it, though they're unaware of this skjldsdg - IF YOU KNOW THE FANART, YOU KNOW) all while Izzy is healing and happy with his family on the Revenge, under Frenchie's captainhood! Stede and Ed are repairing their relationship, coming to terms with everything that happened to them and everything they did, good and bad alike. Ditto for Izzy and his crew! It's a perfect happy ending for everyone!

But.

But.

Stede and Ed never quite feel 'whole', by themselves on a little desert island, trying to start a business, every day bogged down with routine and basic hard work that neither of them are used to.

And Izzy loves his crew so much, but he doesn't quite feel 'whole' either. He wants so desperately to see how Stede and Ed are doing. He misses them a lot, and though he holds everything together for Frenchie and the others' sake, Frenchie has caught him a dozen times sat in the crows' nest at night, looking out in the direction of Ed and Stede's island and sighing...

They pass by the island one time, and Izzy is obviously SO fucking forlorn, though he's doing his utmost to pretend otherwise. Frenchie, Jim, Archie and Fang can't bear it. They thought they were doing the right thing by giving Izzy a life away from his captains. And they were! It was what Izzy needed! He's grown in himself, and seems far more grounded and happy!

But he wants to go back to them anyway.

And Frenchie knows it would be wrong to stop him. Plus, who's to say Ed and Stede haven't done some GrowthTM of their own?

So, he wakes Izzy from his cabin and gives him a big hug, before leading him out onto the deck. The whole crew have gathered. Cue hugs all around, and they each give him a little present - a clumsy wooden sculpture from Lucius, a far better one from Pete (he's teaching his husband how to whittle!), a garlic knot necklace from Oluwande and Archie and Jim for luck, etc. etc. etc.

Izzy is gruffly trying not to cry (because he loves them so much and he'll miss them so much, but he has felt like a fucking burden lately (even though he absolutely isn't; after Zheng set off to rebuild her armada, he was in charge of teaching the crew how to Pirate Right, and he did a damn good job!) And he's in a lot of pain trying to keep up with life on the ship with all his old injuries. He knows he's not the best swordsman in the Caribbean anymore, and deep down, he feels, it's time ot pack it in.) He gives each of them a tight hug and a rough-voiced compliment (small and genuine and kinda backhanded in typical Izzy fashion; telling Lucius he's not fucking useless; telling Oluwande he's far too nice to be a quartermaster but he makes it fucking work and that's good, Izzy figures; telling Frenchie he's far from the worst captain Izzy's sailed under). Then he quietly strips his glove off, and hands it to Jim. They don't hug. They just nod at each other, one guard dog to another.

As Izzy rows to shore, to where Ed and Stede's little inn stands, a candle in the window burning like a lighthouse in the night... He hears the music blossom out from the ship, La Vie En Rose, playing him towards his retirement. And he finds himself smiling, so hard it hurts.

...Then he walks into the inn like 'sup twats. Bet you thought you'd seen the last of me.' and Ed and Stede start screaming lskdfhkjsdgf

[void-ink-studios]

Rinse and Spit - A Mouthwashing AU

I fully blame @hrhowling for infecting me with these brain worms, and @an-artist-complex for encouraging them.

So....

Here we go.

There is an intention to make this the first part of a series, but in case that doesn't happen, I at least wanted to make this first part stand alone.

Enjoy~

Word Cout: 2,100

Content Warning: Jimmy is his own content warning.

Curly had decided he hated the sun set.  At least the sunset that seemed to be the only thing displayed in the Med Bay window screen.  He hated every aspect of it.

He hated the way the reds and oranges were too bright, painfully so, constantly bathing his body in its burning light.  He hated the way it flickered and tore, as if a company like Pony Express couldn’t have afforded to spring for a screen that actually worked.

Or, in light of recent news, maybe they really couldn’t after all.

He hated how it buzzed and crackled, never offering him a single moment of silence as he sat here.

He hated it so very much.

Yet he poured every ounce of energy he had into looking at it.  Studied every pixel, every strange artifact of light.

Because what was the alternative?

The alternative was acknowledging the agony he was in, every moment, every breath, every slight shift in his body.  The alternative was to stare into the metal ceilings of the Tulpar and worry about each and every seam.  The alternative was to wiggle his limbs, and see if today was the day he had the strength and pain tolerance to sit up.

He deserved this.  He knew he deserved it.  It had become part of his regular cycle of thoughts, right alongside wishing for death, or praying that this is just some horrific dream he’d wake up from any day now.

But the longer he stared at that god damn sunset, the more he had to come to grips with reality.  And every second of that reality was earned and deserved.

He often thought back to where he went wrong. And there was a lot of time to think.

He thought about telling... Him it would all be okay. How he listened to Him talk about how there was no survivors despite the efforts of the brave Captain Curly. Curly had been so confused about what He meant at the time. He could've seen the warning it was. The threat it was. Why didn't he go to the cockpit with Him?

He thought about Her, desperately hiding the gun so that even if she couldn't reach it, He wouldn't either. When she told him she was pregnant, told him a second time what happened. Curly had been so worried about Her hurting herself that he didn't even stop to think about how he was hurting her.

He thought about that late night conversation with Her. About the dead pixel on the screen in the Lounge. He had told her how he looked at the bigger picture. How true that was. Standing too far back to acknowledge the details, the important details. Why were there no locks on the sleeping quarter's door, but they needed a code just to get some fucking sweetener?

Anya...

Maybe that's why he stared so heavily at the sunset to his left. Maybe he was looking for a dead pixel of his own. Just something that could connect him to Anya. Something that could tell her that he Understood.

He stared at the sunset because what was the alternative?

The alternative was to look at the other side of the room.

Curly didn't get many visitors. He didn't blame them. Swansea wasn't paid nearly enough to look at his traitorous captain, and Daisuke was just a kid, one who didn't need an anatomy lesson.

No, Curly didn't get visitors. Only one of two people would ever be on that side of the room. And he couldn't dare look either of them in the eye.

He decided to try and sit up today. He hadn't tried in... Jesus, how long has it been? How long has he been sitting like this?

Regardless, he had tried a few times before. He was sick of sitting in his own filth. Festering in his own blood and pus. His body protested his every movement as he tried to prop himself up on the stumps where his hands once were.

I hope this hurts.

It did...

I hope this hurts.

It so very did. He couldn't do it.

He heard the heavy doors slide open, metal grinding against metal. He didn't look. He couldn't.

Please no...

"Feeling lively today, aren't we?"

Curly still couldn't look at Him. He knew what was coming.

"Hey. If you're awake enough to squirm, you're awake enough to look at me."

He still didn't move.

"I said Look at me."

Curly felt hands on his head, forcefully turned to face Him.

A face of a friend. Or, what was once a friend. Or, maybe not even that. Whatever he was then, it didn't change what he was now. A truth Curly tried to ignore, one that he was forced to stare at every day.

Jimmy was a monster.

"...You still think you're too good for us, don't you?"

Curly stared at Jimmy. Before, Jimmy would say things he thought unnerving, but ultimately harmless. He had made dark jokes before, things Curly would laugh at uncomfortably, and they'd move on. He'd say things that were needlessly defensive or aggressive, things Curly would try to talk him down from, with mixed results, and they'd move on.

Curly couldn't do either of those things now. Even if he could speak, he couldn't speak over the look in Jimmy's eyes. Was that emptiness always there?

Jimmy grabbed him by the collar of his hospital gown, pulling a wheezing gasp from his mangled throat.

"You think you're too good for us. For this job. Even when we're keeping you alive and cleaning up your blood and shit, you still think you're too good for us."

Jimmy made a sound, one that might've been a laugh or a scoff.

"Well. So much for your greener pastures."

Jimmy dropped him back onto the bed with a rough thud, sending shocks of pain up and down his back and head.

Curly watched as Jimmy casually, oh so casually, walked towards the desk scattered with pills. The former captain couldn't look at his despised sunset anymore. Not when he knew what was coming.

"At least you have these to make you feel better. Open up."

I hope this hurts.

It does.

I hope this hurts.

Jimmy is far from gentle in opening his mouth, shoving fingers against his tongue and down his throat. Curly chokes, he does every time. He had thought he at least would stop struggling from reflex, but his body fails him again.

He flailed his arms against Jimmy's shoulders and face as his mouth is wrenched further open and the pill is dropped in.

"Stop fucking moving."

Curly wheezed as Jimmy lifted his head up by his jaw and slammed him back down. Small mercies it's only against a pillow.

Jimmy used his fingers to shove the pill down his throat, either not knowing or not caring that he can't breathe.

It's over before Curly knows it, trying his best to gather his breath back as Jimmy's fingers retract. The two pilots look at each other, a pair of empty eyes meeting a lone trembling one.

"I'm fixing things. Stop looking at me like that."

Curly flinched, but it doesn't make the incoming punch any softer. Or the next two or three.

"You're not better than me, Curly. I'm the fucking captain now. And that means-"

"Jimmy?"

Curly's breath paused, his eye flicking back to the door. Anya stood there, compressed in her body language.

"What?"

"U-Uhm, Swansea wanted to see you? Something about a problem in the Lounge?"

"Unbelievable. Can't you guys do anything without me?"

"If it's not a good time-"

"No, no, I'll go take a look. Do my job. Someone has to around here, right?"

Curly watched carefully as Anya steeled her expression. She moved out of the doorway, no longer meeting Jimmy's gaze.

"Right... I'll take over from here."

"About time."

And with that, he's gone. Curly was aware how loud his breathing is. For once, even the buzzing of the window screen seemed quiet, drowned out in comparison to his labored breaths.

Anya moved to sit next to him. Just as she always does. She's always quiet, occasionally filling him in on the goings on of the ship. Told him about their precious Cargo.

Fucking Mouthwash.

What a joke.

Today, she's silent. Mostly just staring at the pain medications on the table across from her.

He wished he could say something to her. He wished he had his own dead pixel to point out to here. One hidden right under her nose, right here in Med Bay. Then she'd smile, maybe laugh a little bit about it, like she would've before-

Take responsibility

"How are you today, cap- Curly?"

Curly looked at her. Anya. Sweet Anya...

The best he could giver her was a shrug, even as it pulled painfully on his neck and shoulders.

"Quiet day today... We ran out of Chicken Noodle Soup. Looks like it'll be clear soup for now."

Take responsibility

Anya looked at him. Her eyes were empty to, but not like Jimmy's. Hers were drained.

"...Are you okay, Curly? I um... I heard Jimmy."

He didn't know what to think about that. She's asking him if he's okay? He doesn't drop his gaze, as much as he wants to. She deserves better.

And isn't that just the thing?

Anya deserves better. She always had. She should be in medical school, not drifting in a floating cage in who knows what section of the void of space. She should have had a better captain. A better crew. Someone who could-

Take responsibility

"Now you know how it feels."

Her voice cuts through him, her words akin to dumping ice water onto his chest. Her face said she regrets saying it the second it left her mouth.

But it took all the air out from Curly's lungs.

"I-I'm sorry, that was cruel..."

No, Anya, I deserved that.

"You know something silly?"

Curly tilted his head at her. She had his attention. Undivided. Even when it didn't mean much anymore.

"...I can't bring myself to hate you. Even though you got us into this mess. Even though you didn't do anything. I can't hate you."

You should. I should've said something. Done something.

"A part of me wants to. Would make things easier. Wouldn't fix anything, but it'd make things easier. I don't know how much I can keep going, Captain."

Curly's breath hitched, his eye flicking between her and the pill bottle.

He groaned, gurgled, tried to force his useless throat to make words. He knows she'd probably want to hear from him the least but... well, she should hear from someone.

"Don't try to strain yourself, Captain. Just... try to go to sleep. Forget I said anything. I'm sorry."

No, you shouldn't be sorry, this isn't your fault, I-

The door slid open one more time, and the both of them flinched. Neither of them looked at the door. They looked at each other instead. Dreading the same phantom opening his mouth and making some remark-

"We need to talk."

Swansea...

Curly looked at the round man, a grim expression on his face.

"Swansea, I just got back here, I can't leave him alone like that. He just had his pill, he could vomit, and I need to be there to adjust him if he does."

"It won't be long. But we need to talk."

"About...?"

"Something that needs to be done. Privately."

Swansea cast a dark look at Curly, a withering one. The mechanic and captain rarely saw eye to eye, especially during those last few days before the crash. He had never visited him in the Med Bay. Not that he blamed him.

"Is it a team meeting again? Is Daisuke and-"

"Daisuke has Jim distracted for a bit. This isn't a team meeting. This is a you and me meeting. Meet me in Utility, if you want."

Anya looked between him and Curly. "I really should keep an eye on him."

"You can do whatever you want. But I have a plan. You can either be in or out of it. Just figured you might want in."

Anya wrung her hands together, looking at the sunset.

"...You'll be alright, captain?"

Curly nods. He can at least give her that much. She doesn't have to care for him, not right now. She looks hesitant. He tries to nod a little harder, but the wheeze that escapes him betrayed his efforts.

"Whenever you're ready, Anya."

"...I am."

The two turn to leave. Curly groans, trying to get his voice to wrap around the words he wants. Words he should've said a long time ago. Words he doesn't think he'll ever be able to say.

Take responsibility

I'm sorry.

[shaunashipman]

Hi. We don’t know each other, but I follow all your 911 posts, and so far you’re one of the only people I follow who is approaching this bullshit breakup storyline with the same level of anger as I am lol. Everyone else I’ve seen just seems heartbroken, which is their right (and I am too tbh), but I have not yet seen the same level of rage from anyone else that I feel like this shit deserves. Because what the fuck was that. You mean to tell me this show lovingly built up this relationship with a decent amount of care and decorum, only to ruin it in one scene with a level of cruelty I have not seen in tv in a LONG time? Probably since my House Md days when they had him drive a car through Cuddy’s house after they broke up. Talk about a slap in the face. Like not only was it bad writing, it was just plain mean. There was practically no warning. Felt like starting to fall off the edge of a cliff, seeing someone next to you, reaching your hand out to them and watching them reach back, only to have them snatch it away at the last minute. Jesus Christ.

Also. Those comments by Oliver, who had been trying to ‘do right’ by the storyline (or whatever the fuck he thought he was doing) and bisexuality as a whole, were like kicking someone when they’re already on the floor. Maybe he didn’t mean them badly or didn’t realize how they sounded. I’ve already seen people saying that he can’t be biphobic because of everything else he’s said, or that they themselves as a bisexual didn’t find them biphobic. Idgaf. As a bisexual I found them biphobic. We are not a hive mind. What is offensive to some is not offensive to all. And maybe he isn’t actually biphobic. The man is cryptic and inscrutable at best and I don’t know him, so I can’t say anything definitely. What I DO know is that while he has said nice things about bisexuals, he has not really said a single nice thing about his bisexual storyline. He has also not said a SINGLE WORD OF DEFENSE of his SCENE PARTNER IN A MAJOR STORYLINE who had been receiving DEATH THREATS (and apparently any other love interest either, but those were before I started paying attention to this show so I have no first-hand knowledge and can’t speak to them.) The lack of tact is one thing, but to also lack a spine?? Hoo boy. I can’t defend that. He has no problem talking back when he or his friends are in the line of fire. Not speaking up at all, for anyone, even to be like ‘hey. They’re just doing their job and acting in a storyline that was written for them. It’s just a tv show’ is pretty cowardly tbh. And he can take his bullshit apology-that-wasn’t that he has ALREADY DELETED and shove it up his ass. I no longer care.

I doubt they will, but I hope their ratings tank for this honestly. The general audience probably isn’t as hurt by this and there won’t be any actual repercussions for this nightmare of television writing, but GOD I vindictively hope that something happens to show them that actions have consequences. Either way I’m done.

Thanks for opening your inbox to venting. Hope you have a good weekend while also continuing to be as mad about this as I am lol ☺️

I don't know how to get sad without getting angry. that's just who I am. my sad button and my rage button are connected.

this was exceptionally shitty writing. they foreshadowed nothing. they built up nothing. this came out of nowhere, in the show itself and in the actual episode.

and oliver is on my shit list forever. I will never watch another show by tim minear and I will never watch oliver in anything ever again. he can fade into obscurity when this show hopefully dies after this season, go back to britain and work in a cafe where he can also let his co-workers be abused by customers and not say anything.

I hope he deletes his insta just like his twitter. actually I hope he throws a little fit first, I hope he has a tantrum about all of the righteous anger he's seeing, and acts like even more of a cunt before deleting. really let everyone know he's a self-centered twatwaffle who can't handle ppl not kissing his ass.

after today's work I have a whole week off to be pissed, and I'm not censoring myself. the only shit I'm not putting on my blog are the violent thoughts I'm having towards oliver and tim, because despite this I'm still a decent human being.

[shakingparadigm]

In a modern au I think the wagyein would be like one of those gaint ass crocodiles that Ivan gets away with keeping because its technically a service animal. As long as its on a leash its all good and not a threat to the public!!

Ivan being rewarded with a more expensive and unique kind pet like a whole fucking crocodile honestly seems pretty in line for him 😭 especially since it adds a new "chic" flair to his photoshoots and his general aesthetic. Imagine Ivan's new photoshoot drops and he's in a suit posing with a fucking crocodile. Insane.

I really like the imagery of this large, scaly and dangerous looking reptile being tamed as Ivan's pet, something that could help boost his image and push that luxurious, enigmatic vibe. You know, like how stereotypical evil lairs have sharks or other rare and dangerous animals guarding the entrance or simply acting as accessory. That kind of vibe. I also like the imagery of this sharp creature being forced into submission and captivity. Forced to become a good, obedient pet, holding in its urges and keeping its teeth hidden. A being taken from the ruthless, grimy darkness, cleaned and maintained to perfection, forced to perform for the cameras. Ivan can empathize, he knows what it's like.

"Technically a service animal" is fucking hysterical. Ivan going Hello, sir! Please excuse my emotional support 12ft crocodile. Don't worry, he's very well-behaved.

I actually think Ivan would get along very well with his hypothetical crocodile. Just like the wagyein, he'd feel connected to it in a very personal way. Also just like the wagyein I think Ivan would be the only person it would never harm. In my head I have the mental image of Ivan petting and cuddling it as if it were a puppy.

[noscomnias]

"even though we may take different paths, i am... still his little sister."